Lecture 9 Social Skills and Communication

Skills

Dr. Paul Wong D.Psyc.(Clinical)

E-mail: paulw@hku.hk

Centre for Suicide Research and Prevention (CSRP)

What is SOCIAL SOCIAL SUPPORT?SUPPORT?

Structure

• Size – the number of people with whom we have regular contact;

• Frequency of Contact – how often we see these people;

• Composition - who they are;

• Intimacy – the closeness of individual relationships and mutual willingness to confide in each other

Functions

• Instrumental support – e.g., finances

• Informational support – e.g., giving advice, directions, suggestions

• Emotional support – e.g., expression of empathy, caring, and concern towards the person

• Appraisal support – e.g., letting you know what is right or wrong

Who don’t gets social support?

Recipients:

• Unsociable

• Don’t help others

• Don’t let others know that they need help

• Not assertive enough to ask for help

• Feel that they should be independent or not burden others

• Don’t know whom to ask

Providers:

• May not have the resources needed;

• Under severe stress

• In need of help themselves

• Insensitive to the needs of others

Does social support always help? Social support does not always reduce stress and benefit health

because:

• Although support may be offered or available to us, we may not perceive it as supportive (it’s about perception, again);

• The type of support we receive may not match the needs that the stressors has produced ( I need money, not warmth and care).

• Bad influences e.g., smoking and drug use, overprotective

Types of Relationship

There are different types of relationships Self-love

Non-love relationships

Platonic relationships

Adult-child parent relationship

Romantic Love relationships

Self-love to have a successful relationship with others, you MUST have a

successful relationship with yourself

If you don’t respect yourself, you won’t expect others to

If you don’t love yourself, in the sense of seeing yourself as lovable, you won’t believe it when someone says “I love You”

My advice – to find out whether you love yourself or not:

Watch your self-talk when someone says “I love you” to you.

Non-love relationship Likely to be your working relationships with many of the people in

your day-to-day life, people with whom you share no significant intimacy. For whom you feel no passion, and have no great commitment.

BUT, you may still feel respect for and you still need to be able to conduct a successful relationship with

To have a successful non-love relationships, you may need to practice assertiveness skills or conflict resolution skills.

This is an important relationship because it is a rich potential source of new love relationships

Platonic relationships Your friendships with other older adults

Adult-child parent relationship Probably the most rewarding one

Love relationships A love relationship includes:

• Passion – is the motivational component of love, including physiological arousal and an intense desire to be united with your beloved.

• Intimacy - including closeness, sharing, communication, support, and the behaviours through which the two people express their emotional interdependence.

• Commitment - is the cognitive or thinking component of love, which involves the initial choice to become involved with this person, and then the repeated choice to develop and maintain that love relationship by behaving in appropriate ways.

Robert Sternberg proposes that the 3 components singly or in various combinations produce seven different kinds of love:

Liking has only one component--intimacy. Intimate liking characterizes true friendships, where we feel bonded, warmth and closeness but not passion or long term commitment

Infatuated love has only one component - passion and is often what we feel as love at first sight - without intimacy and commitment infatuated love may disappear suddenly

Empty love consists of the commitment component without intimacy or passion. sometimes a stronger love deteriorates into empty love-the commitment remains, but the intimacy and passion have died. In cultures where marriage is arranged, relationships often begin as empty love

Romantic love is a combination of intimacy and passion. Romantic lovers are bonded emotionally (as in liking) and physically through passionate arousal

Robert Sternberg proposes that the 3 components singly or in various combinations produce seven different kinds of love (cont):

Fatuous love has the passion and commitment components but not the intimacy. This type of love is often found in whirlwind courtship and marriage where commitment is motivated by passion without the stabilizing influence of intimacy

Companionate love consists of intimacy and commitment. This type of love is often found in marriages in which the passion has gone out of the marriage but a deep affection and commitment remains

Consummate love is the only type that has all three components -intimacy, commitment an passion. Consummate love is the most complete form of love and it represents the ideal love relationship for which many people strive but few achieve. Sternberg cautions that maintaining a consummate love may be even harder than achieving it

Social Skills and Communication Skills

To begin a relationship, you need these two skills – Social Skills and

Communication Skills

Social Skills are used to mix successfully with people in social situations, and through which you meet people, and make and build friendships.

Communication is the basic process through which you share feelings and information, reach an understanding of each other, and solve the problems facing the relationship.

THESE skills are important and essential in human relationships, but most of us have not been taught about that. More, they are difficult to teach and takes time to be good at them!!

Verbal and Non-verbal Communication Verbal (10-40%) Non-verbal (60-90%): ROLES

• Relax

• Open postures

• Lean forward

• Eye contacts

• Square face

Social Skills Initiating conversations – use more open-ended questions

Giving compliments – people like to be liked and are then more likely to like you back

Receiving compliments – ignoring or belittling compliments punishes the other person for trying to be friendly towards you

Accept silences – people often go silence because they are thinking about something or thinking about what to say next. Don’t jump to conclusion that the person doesn’t like talking to you

The Ultimate Gesture “Ultimate gesture" is known everywhere in the world.

It is rarely, if ever, misunderstood.

Scientists believe this particular gesture actually releases chemicals called endorphins into the system that create a feeling of mild euphoria.

This gesture may help you slip out of the prickliest of difficult situations.

What gesture is that?

Communication Skills Common obstacles

• Judging - 總是論斷別人 (e.g., 標籤 診斷 批評 )

• Sending solutions too quickly – 急於告訴別人解決方法• Dogging the other’s concerns - 偏離對方關心的事• I’ve seen that! - 「我見得多呢！」

Words of cautions

This way of communication is used when situations induce strong

feelings for you

The three components of communication skills 1. Levelling – telling the other person clearly and non-defensively how

you feel, or how you think about a particular issue• “When you did X (an observable behaviour), the effect on me was Y (a

behaviour/thought), and I felt Z (a feeling).”

• E.g., “When you keep ringing me this afternoon, I couldn’t concentrate at work, and I felt frustrated.”

2. Listening – actively trying to hear what the other person really says. Remember: Don’t assume what you guess is what people are saying. • If you are not sure, ask.

• Try reflecting what you have heard.

3. Validating – accepts as true what the other person tells you about her feelings, rather than denying her feelings, or insisting that she feels as you would, or as you think she should.

What to do ?

Practice the social skills and pretend that the tutorial is a place where you don’t know anyone, AND you must talk to

someone!

Enjoy and have fun!!!

References Sternberg, R. J.  (1998).  Cupid’s arrow: The course of love through time.  New

York:  Cambridge University Press. Sternberg, R. J.  (1998)  Love is a story.  New York:  Oxford University Press. Cohen S. Psychological models of social support in the etiology of physical

disease. Health Psychology. 7:269-97, 1988. Cohen S. Social supports and physical health: symptoms, health behaviors and

infectious disease. (Greene A L, Cummings M & Karraker K H, eds.) Life-span developmental psychology: perspectives on stress and coping. Hillsdale, N J: Erlbaum. 1991.p.213-34.

Cohen S. Stress, social support and disorder. (Veiel H & Baumann U, eds.) The meaning and measurement of social support. New York: Hemisphere Press. 1992. p. 109-24.

Wills T A. Social support and interpersonal relationships. (Clark M S. ed.) Review of personality and social psychology. Newbury Park. CA: Sage, 1991. Vol. 12. p. 265-89.