Keri’s Coaching Services

Top Tips on Talking to Your TeenOne of the subjects that parents want to talk to me about when they come to my parent workshops, is how they can communicate with their young person. People have attended the workshops purely to learn some strategies of how to talk to their teen.

It can be quite hard to talk to them at times, after years of working with them I know it can be tricky. I read a great saying a few months ago that

“talking to a teenager can be like trying to talk to someone through a door, you need to make the most of any chink of light.”

Young people reach an age where most parents struggle to talk to them and a gap can begin to form between them, the relationship can become a bit disconnected. Parents might find that they generally get a grunt in response to any type of question, and this puts them off trying to talk to their young person. Add into the mix some big changes that happen to the teenage brain, as well as their hormones, and likelihood to fly off the handle at things, it can make things a bit tense.

Social media and use of devices such as phones by both parents and children can have a big impact on conversations. In modern society we seem to be quite lacking in time to try and fit everything in. Parents may be working, trying to buy the latest things for their growing family, and young people have diaries full to bursting with their social lives. The way in which people tend to have a conversation has also changed with things like what’s app and texting. Face to face contact and phone calls tend to be used less often.

One thing that I saw time and again as a school nurse, is that most young people feel the same as their parents, they are unable to talk to them about the issues that concern them. They just don't know how to approach them with worries, my favourite quote from a young person was

“if they shout at me for the small stuff, why will I approach them with the big stuff?”

This means they go elsewhere or ask a friend, or google, and so it goes on. Humans are designed for connection so if they can’t get it in one place, they will go somewhere else. Google can be a dangerous place to be when you don't know what you are typing in.

It was a combination of all this that led me to write my Top Tips on Talking to Your Teen.

TIMING

This can be really important when trying to start a conversation with a young person. Just because we as a parent might come home from work or meet them from school and want to know all about their day from start to finish does not mean they want to talk to us at that time. Mis-timing is more likely to result in you receiving a grunt from your teen.

They might be a bit overwhelmed themselves by the events of the day, or maybe something has happened with their friends which they are trying to work through. Perhaps they didn't pass a test and don't know how to tell you. Don’t be disheartened by this, everyone will have experienced a time in their lives when they don’t want to talk, and young people are no different.

If they do seem a bit closed when you try to talk to them, give them some time. Perhaps approach them at a different time of day, dinner time can be a good time to start up a conversation or when you are watching something on TV with them and they are a bit more relaxed. Try to make dinner a device free time so people are more likely to talk.

Bed time can be a time when they suddenly want to talk about everything, but it can be a bit of a tricky time if they are anxious about something. Talking about it at this time might heighten their anxiety making it difficult for them to sleep..

TOPICS One question which I think most parents will have asked at some point in time, if not everyday...is "How was your day?"

A lot can happen to a young person in one day and such a broad question might be a bit tricky for a mind which may well be overloaded. They may have experienced so much in their day that they don’t know where to start or how to respond. This leads to a grunt or "fine" as a reply.

If you find a typical response to “How was your day?” is something along the lines of “Fine”, try asking them questions, such as “what went well today?” “what did you learn today?” “Was there anything bad that happened today?” “what made you smile today?”

STOP, BREATHE, APPROACHBefore you approach your young person, take a minute to think about how you are feeling at that moment and how you are approaching them. If you have had a bad day at work or are feeling a bit tense, take a minute to breathe and collect yourself. Parenting when you are “triggered” can be tricky.

If you are stressed or tense you will be more likely to over react to something they tell you. An over or bad reaction will make them less likely to tell you similar things in the future. If things are tense between you take a few minutes and come back to the situation, you don't have to respond instantly. If harsh words have been said by them, then allowing them and you time to reflect is a good thing to do. If you do happen to lose your temper with them it is important to acknowledge it and apologise for it. If they see that adults make mistakes this will reduce the pressure on them to be perfect.

We think we know our children or young people better than anyone else (as we should do), but they know us equally as well. They learn to expect a reaction from us, which will in turn influence what they share with us. Share stories from your past, connect with them.

Your initial reaction to something might be really significant for your future communication. They want to talk to their parents, they want to share their worries and the right reaction will make this more likely. They may well want to share something which you will find uncomfortable, but if they do this and get the reaction they fear then the chances of them trying again at another stage is less. I have been told some things in my time as a school nurse which have literally made me draw breath and my toes curl and despite having really clear feelings on whatever the subject might be I have managed to remain impartial and listen. This has resulted in repeat meetings with the same young person.

LOCATION How and where we talk to our young people is really important, face to face one on one can be a bit nerve wracking.

If your young person clams up on you when you try to talk to them, go for a walk with them or take them for a drive or even watch TV with them. This detracts from direct face to face conversation and can encourage a young person to talk to you.

MY TOP TIP Give your child some focussed (no screens) time each week, even if it is for 15 minutes. If you have multiple children try to do this for each child. When our children are small we often read bedtime stories to them, a few minutes of focussed time each day. Things like that can stop as they get older and more independent.

This 1:1 time will mean a lot to your young person even if they seem to be against it at first. Time is such a limited resource in the world we live in today, but time is vital, but to your young person and 1:1 time is something they may well crave.

It may take time to get conversation flowing, but Rome wasn’t built in a day. Persevere and you will reap the rewards.

Who Am I?

My name is Keri Hartwright.

I am a qualified paediatric nurse and school nurse with over 20 years experience of working with children and families.

I am now working as a coach for both parents and children. There is such an overwhelming rise in those suffering from emotional health problems, the WHO predict depression to be the biggest public health crisis by 2030 which If I find scary.

I have been lucky to have many years of experience in communicating with young people in 1:1 situations as a school nurse and I feel blessed to have had this experience. Being able to talk to a child or young person on their level is one of the favourite parts of my job and it has given me a unique insight into their world. I have been able to support young people through some of the most significant events in their life.

My aim as a coach is to help families reconnect with each other. To me, the relationship between a parent and their child is so important. We need to keep the lines of communication open at all times. It is easy for this to slip and for a distance to open up, but it is vital that this does not happen. Remaining connected to your young person will protect them from a range of risk taking behaviours such as misusing alcohol or drugs.

How Can You Work With me?

I can offer you a series of workshops to help you develop a toolkit to navigate the teenage years or 1:1 support whichever you feel is relevant

To find out more about how you can work with me, why not sign up to my mailing list? Or get in touch keri@teen-behaviour.com.

I also offer 1:1 sessions to young people using a combination of coaching and NLP to address issues such as friendship issues, bullying, anxiety, anger management, mindset, exam preparation and goal setting for example but the list goes on. My aim is to give young people the power and tools to change things for themselves. These sessions take place either via skype or face to face in my home. I am fully DBS checked and insured.