keepin' busy (01x01) alternate pilot script by craig mara

7/30/2019 Keepin' Busy (01x01) Alternate Pilot Script by Craig Mara

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KEEPIN BUSYTHE PILOT (01x01)

BY Craig Mara & John Berger


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KEEPIN BUSYTHE PILOT (01x01)

STORY BY Craig Mara & John BergerWRITTEN BY Craig Mara

416-992-0822 or [email protected] Craig Mara, 2012, All Rights Reserved


3/56

1TEASERSCENE A

INT. CAR-TWILIGHT

A YOUNG MAN-JAKE- SLOUCHES IN THE PASSENGER SEAT, AS

HIS FRIEND RICHARD DRIVES IN A PANIC. A FASHIONABLY

DRESSED YOUNG MAN SITS IN THE BACK SEAT-GREG.

JAKE

I swear I never would have done

business with him I had heard

(EMPHASIZES) that accent.

RICHARD

Texting has really helped them

Russians snake out a lot of deals.

GREG

You need the text to voice app. It

would have seen the text was from

Sergvei and then would

automatically apply (EMPHASIZES)

that accent. You hear that accent,

and lose trust. Problem prevented.

JAKE FROWNS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.

JAKE

Greg, just find some music. This

is a memory well cherish forever,

and I dont want to have driven


4/56

2out here in a wild panic without

having a good soundtrack.

GREG FLIPS THROUGH A MILK CARTON FILLED WITH VINYL

RECORDS.

GREG

Here.

GREG HANDS JAKE A VINYL RECORD, JAKE FROWNS AND TAKES

THE RECORD OUT OF ITS CASE. JAKE LOOKS AT THE CD

PLAYER AND FROWNS.

GREG

(SARCASTIC) Umm, the glove box.

(SERIOUS) Just like where every

other record player in the world

is in every car.

JAKE

Good point.

JAKE OPENS THE GLOVE BOX; PAPERS FALL OUT. GREG SHAKES

HIS HEAD.

GREG

Maybe the next car Richard gets

will be more with the times.

RICHARD

Hey I heard that. Who still

listens to vinyl anyway?

GREG


5/56

3Who starts a bee farm? And

furthermore who makes a deal with

a Russian expecting it to end

well?

JAKE

Dont be ignorant, its a Bee

Auction House. Everyone is into

auctions in this economy and Plan

BeeBay is no plan B. Im an

entrepreneur so rest assured Ive

been busy planning this rock solid

business plan for ages.

QUICK CUT.


6/56

4ACT ONE

SCENE B

INT. COFFEE SHOP-DAY

TWO DAYS AGO IS SHOWN ON SCREEN. JAKE STANDS AT A

COFFEE BAR. A BARISTA HANDS HIM A CUP.

JAKE

Maybe starting a bee auction

business would be cool.

BARISTA

What?

JAKE SHAKES HIS HEAD.

JAKE

You know, so I can do the beard of

bees thing.

BARISTA SHAKES HIS HEAD. JAKE DRINKS FROM THE PAPER

CUP. THE BARISTA, CONFUSED WATCHES. JAKE FINISHES, AND

COUGHS.

JAKE

This is not the beverage I

ordered.

BARISTA

Thats eight peppermint and six

caramel shots.


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5JAKE

I think I know what that would

taste like. Theres clearly coffee

in here. And why would I come here

for the coffee.

BARISTA

I held the coffee! I dont know

what to tell you.

JAKE

Smell my breath and tell me that

doesnt mainly smell like caramel!

JAKE EXHALES AT THE BARISTA AND THE BARISTA TURNS

AWAY. JAKE STIRS HIS MIDDLE AND INDEX FINGER AROUND

THE CUP AND PUTS THEM IN THE BARISTAS FACE.

JAKE

I invite you to smell my fingers.

BARISTA

Easy, Ill pour you another.

JAKE

Hack. Ill be going to another

barista for my flavor shots next

time. I am way too busy for this.

QUICK CUT.


8/56

6SCENE C

INT. JAKES APARTMENT-LIVING ROOM-DAY

JAKE SITS AT A TABLE AND PUTS ON WELDERS GOGGLES.JAKE IGNITES A BLOW TORCH AND MELTS A SNICKERS

CHOCOLATE BAR OVER AN EGGO WAFFLE. JAKE COUGHS, PUTS

DOWN THE BLOW TORCH, AND WAVES AT THE AIR.

JAKE

(LOUD AND ANGRY) Ugh, peanut

fumes!

JAKES TELEPHONE RINGS. 'FREEBIRD' BY LYNYRD SKYNYRD

PLAYS AS THE RINGTONE. JAKE LOOKS AT THE SCREEN AND

SHAKES HIS HEAD AND GETS UP; QUICK CUT. JAKE SINGS

ALONG AS HE SWIFFERS HIS CARPET. QUICK CUT. THE ROOM

IS EMPTY; A TOILET FLUSHES. QUICK CUT. FREEBIRD

FINISHES, AND JAKE RETURNS THE CALL-TO HIS FRIEND

MICHELLE. JAKE OPENS HIS LAPTOP COMPUTER AS THEY TALK.

MICHELLE

(FRUSTRATED) I was hoping you had

grown out of the Freebird phase.JAKE

(SUNG IN TUNE OF FREEBIRD) And

this tone you cannot change. No-o-

o-o-o!

MICHELLE

It isnt polite to be Jakin off

in the presence of a lady. What

are you doing?


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7JAKE CONTINUES TO BURN THE SNICKERS BAR ON THE WAFFLE.

JAKE

Oh you know, Im keepin busy.MICHELLE LAUGHS.

JAKE

I bought a Swiffer to clean the

ground today.

MICHELLE

You have carpet though.

THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF, JAKE GETS UP AND WAVES AN

EGGO AROUND THE ALARM AND COUGHS.

MICHELLE

(SARCASTIC) Oh no, its the toxic

nougat fumes again! Get a fondue

set!

JAKE

This is how a real man fondues!

Its peanut fumes this time!

MICHELLE

A Hershey bar might solve things.

JAKE

Do those have more caffeine in

them? I could use a pick-me-up,

things have been hectic lately.


10/56

8THE FIRE ALARM STOPS. JAKE SITS ON THE COUCH, EXHALES

LOUDLY, AND WORKS ON A LOGO BEEBAY.

JAKE

Disaster averted.

MICHELLE

Speaking of disasters, are you

finished your Masters Thesis

presentation for tomorrow?

JAKE

Ill get to it. I still have a

good (LOOKS AT WRIST WITH NO

WATCH) eighteen hours.

MICHELLE

I thought your presentation was at

Nine oclock?

JAKE

Is it? Oh well, Im not going for

a Masters in Scheduling right?

JAKE YAWNS.

JAKE

Wow, those peanut fumes are really

hitting me.

MICHELLE


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9You have to stop forgetting about

opening windows when you fondue.

JAKE

My dementia must be flaring up

again.

MICHELLE

So after I help in your

presentation tomorrow were all

square for what happened in the

house right?

JAKE

I suppose. How about that eating

challenge I won in there? Twenty-

seven Eggo waffles! How many did

you eat?MICHELLE

(HESITANT) Ten.

JAKE

(YAWNS) Tenwaffles, thats cute.

MICHELLE


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10Make sure to email me the details

before you move onto an Oh Henry

bar.

JAKE

Good idea! Incoming text. See you

at Nine AM.

JAKE HANGS UP. JAKE LOOKS AT HIS PHONE. A TEXT IS

SHOWN FROM SERGVEI, THAT READS BEES?. JAKE ANSWERS

YES AND SMILES.

END ACT ONE


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11ACT TWO

SCENE D

INT. JAKES APARTMENT-BEDROOM-EARLY MORNING

AN ALARM CLOCK SHOWS DISPLAYS SIX AM, AND BUZZES.

JAKE, GROGGY, AWAKES AND SHUTS OFF THE BUZZ SOUND.

JAKE

(GROGGY) Not even yeast could rise

at this hour.

QUICK CUT.INT. JAKES APARTMENT-KITCHEN-EARLY MORNING

JAKE OPENS A FREEZER WHICH CONTAINS ONLY EGGO WAFFLES.JAKE

(TO SELF) Some say variety is the

spice of life, but Eggos are

easier.

JAKE GRABS A BOX, AND SHUTS THE FREEZER. QUICK CUT.INT. JAKES APARTMENT-MORNING

TWO EGGO WAFFLES POP OUT OF THE TOASTER AND JAKE GRABS

THEM. JAKE RIPS THEM INTO STRANDS AND DIPS INTO A

NUTELLA JAR. JAKE LOOKS AT TWO SIMILAR, CONSERVATIVE

SUITS. A KNOCK AT THE DOOR SOUNDS.

JAKE

(TO HIMSELF) Ugh, pants. (LOUDER)

Be right there!


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12JAKE RUNS TO HIS ROOM AND PUTS ON TEARAWAY PANTS,

FASTENS THEM WITH ZIP TIES, THEN PUTS ON A T SHIRT.

JAKEThis better not be the Mormons.

GREG

Try another religion.JAKE

Jehovahs Witness?GREG

You will love our new gym! Theres

a free Jehovahs Fitness water

bottle ifJAKE GRINS AND OPENS THE DOOR. GREG WEARS HORN RIMMED

GLASSES, A SCARF, BOLA TIE, AND SLIM FIT DRESS

CLOTHES. GREG SIPS FROM A PAPER COFFEE CUP. GREG

FROWNS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD WHEN HE SEES JAKES SUITS.

GREG

Those suits are not going to catch

anyones attention. Do you want to

fail?

JAKE LOOKS AT GREG AND MOTIONS AT WHAT HE WEARS.

JAKE

Thats the plan. Life after school

sucks. People lose their way.

Cowboys arent in right now.


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13GREG

Thats the point.

JAKE SHAKES HIS HEAD.

JAKE

I need your fashion advice.GREG

Yee haw!

INT. JAKES APARTMENT-LIVING ROOM-MORNING

GREG SETS HIS BEVERAGE CUP DOWN ON JAKES TABLE.

JAKE

(ANGRY) Youre a guest! Coaster!

JAKE WALKS OVER WAFFLE IN HAND, SETS THE WAFFLE ON THE

TABLE, AND PLACES THE CUP ON TOP. JAKE PICKS UP THE

DRINK AND INSPECTS IT.GREG

New England Clam Chaider.JAKE TAKES A SIP, AND GRIMACES. HE SPITS THE REST UP

INTO HIS WAFFLE, USING IT LIKE A NAPKIN TO WIPE HIS

FACE.JAKE

I dont taste the apple, hows

this a cider?GREG

Philistine.


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14JAKE

Whos Phllyis?

GREG

Yea. Thats about right.THUMPS THROUGH THE WALL ARE HEARD.

JULIO

(LOUD SHOUTS) Noise! Down with

sound!

GREG

Julios got his hearing aid

cranked again.

LOUD BANGS AND NOISES CONTINUE THROUGH THE WALL.

JAKE

(JAKE SHOUTS) Julio, I swear I

will fight you! (TO GREG) Oh no,

hes got the broom again.GREG

Fight fire with fire.

JAKE

Im no well at talking broken

English though.

GREG GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND GRABS A BROOM. GREG HANDS

THE BROOM TO JAKE.


17/56

15GREG

No! The broom!

JAKE HITS THE BROOM AGAINST THE WALL UNTIL JULIOS

THUMPS STOP.

JAKE

Broom goes the dynamite.

GREG

Julio would be a good vocalist for

the band 'Broken English Scene.'JAKE AND GREG EXAMINE JAKES TWO CONSERVATIVE SUITS.

JAKE

Now that the Julio is defeated,

which suit do I wear?GREG

I think the answer is obvious.THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER, AND SMIRK. THEY BOTH BEGIN

TO LAUGH. THEIR LAUGHS BUILD TO FULL BELLY LAUGHS, AND

THEN SUBSIDES.JAKE

Its not obvious. No idea what you

mean.

QUICK CUT TO A SHOT OF JAKES FACE. GREG LOOKS AT HIS

PHONE AND YAWNS.

JAKE


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16So what do you think of my

practice run?GREG LOOKS UP AND FROWNS.

GREG

What?

JAKE WEARS A POWDER BLUE SUIT, WITH BOWTIE AND POWDER

BLUE GLOVES. GREG TOSSES JAKE A BATON, JAKE CATCHES

IT, TWIRLS IT, AND HOLDS IT LIKE A WEAPON.

GREG

You look a bit off balance.

JAKE

I am. Do you have another baton?

GREG SHAKES HIS HEAD, TAKES A PICTURE OF JAKE AND

REMOVES A TOP HAT FROM A BAG.GREG

The suits 9.9 out of 10. Care to

make it a 10 point zero?JAKE SHAKES HIS HEAD, AND WALKS INFRONT OF A LARGE

MIRROR. JAKE ADJUSTS HIS SUIT. GREG COMES OVER AND

ADJUSTS JAKES BOWTIE, AND CHECKS HIS OWN APPEARANCE.JAKE

Are you sure about this suit?GREG

I would never troll you. Time for

work though. See you at 10 point

zero oclock.


19/56

17GREG WALKS AWAY.

JAKE

(INDECISIVE) I dont know man,

theres just something not right.GREG

(INTERRUPTS) Fine, I was trolling

you with the suit. Its awful.JAKE

What? No. Give me the hat!

LOUD BANGS FROM JULIO AGAIN. GREG STARTS BANGING BACK

WITH THE BROOM WHILE JAKE BANGS BACK WITH THE BATON.

QUICK CUT.


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18SCENE E

EXT. UNIVERSITY CAMPUS-DAY

JAKE HOPS OUT THE BACK OF A PICKUP TRUCK THAT ISFILLED WITH VARIOUS ANIMALS, AND HITS ON THE BACK

TRUCK. THE TRUCK DRIVES AWAY. JAKE WALKS THREE STEPS,

AND IS IMMEDIATELY PELTED WITH A SANDWICH. THE LEFT

PART OF JAKES SUIT IS STAINED AND HE GRIMACES AT THE

STAIN.

JAKE

(TO SELF, FRUSTRATED) Great ghost

of Swayze!

JAKE WIPES AWAY THE MAYONNAISE WITH HIS RIGHT HAND,

AND LICKS HIS FINGERSS.JAKE

Mmm. Mayonnaise. (SHOUTING) Jokes

on you! Its delicious!JAKES FRIEND- RICHARD-APPROACHES. RICHARD WEARS A

CHARCOAL GREY SUIT.RICHARD

An aggressive act, towards an

aggressive suit.JAKE

An open faced mayonnaise sandwich

is an odd choice for someone who

considers themselves an academic.

RICHARD


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19The hooligan could have at least

had the decency to throw the other

half though.

JAKE

(WHINING) Its true, I feel off

balance.

RICHARD TAKES A CLOSER LOOK AT JAKES SUIT, AND SMELLS

THE SUIT. HE RECOILS BACK.

RICHARD

Good God Gregs really out trolled

you this time.JAKE

Howd you know it was Greg?

RICHARD

(HOLDS UP PHONE) Hungry Hungry

Hipsters blog.

JAKE

(JAKE SHUFFLES HIS FEET) Whatever,

I got my Danson shoes on. Just

like my boy Ted.RICHARD

Is dancing part of your

presentation?


22/56

20JAKE

No. Im wearing nice shoes just

like Ted Danson does.

RICHARD

Well, Ted never would wear that

suit.

JAKE

High risk, high reward.

RICHARD

You`re somehow still the best

dressed grad student on campus.JAKE

Being a mover and shaker, I

continue to push boundaries in all

areas I choose to participate in.RICHARD AND JAKE WALK UP THE STEPS OF A BUILDING AND ENTER.

INT.CAMPUS BUILDING-DAY

JAKE AND RICHARD STOP.RICHARD

End of the line! As your best

friend, I wish I could make it.JAKE AND RICHARD SHAKE HANDS. RICHARD ENTERS A ROOM.

JAKE CONTINUES DOWN THE HALLWAY. JAKE TIES HIS SHOE,

THEN TAKES A DRINK OUT OF A WATER FOUNTAIN. JAKE


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21CONTINUES AROUND A CORNER AND ENTERS A DOOR WITH A

POSTER ON IT; THE POSTER ADVERTISES HIS THESIS

DEFENCE, JAKE MARBERG, MASTER OF FINE ARTS THESIS

DEFENCE.


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22SCENE F

INT. THESIS DEFENCE ROOM-DAY

JAKE ENTERS THE ROOM. TWO COMPUTERS ARE SETUP ATOPPOSITE SIDES OF THE ROOM. A LARGE PROJECTION SCREEN

IS AT THE FRONT OF THE ROOM. THREE MEN STAND WITH

THEIR BACKS TO HIM. PROFESSOR GUINES TURNS AROUND.JAKE

(SHAKES HAND OF PROFESSOR GUINES)

Jake. Pleasure to meet you.PROFESSOR OLDMAN TURNS AROUND. OLDMAN IS VERY OLD AND

LOOKS IN POOR HEALTH.JAKE

(SHAKES HAND OF PROFESSOR OLDMAN)

You must be Professor Oldman.

Jake. Hows she going?PROFESSOR OLDMAN

(CONFUSED) Who is she?PROFESSOR OLDMAN SNEEZES LOUDLY, PULLS A HANKY FROM

HIS POCKET, AND BLOWS HIS NOSE. OLDMAN HOLDS HIS

THROAT AND RUBS IT.

PROFESSOR OLDMAN

There is a certain musk in the

air.

JAKE

Nothing like the smell of

mayonnaise in the morning.


25/56

23PROFESSOR OLDMAN

(FROWNS) Mayonnaise?

THE LAST PROFESSOR TURNS AROUND; IT IS RICHARD.RICHARD

(SMILES) Hey you!

JAKE AND RICHARD, HUG, AND LAUGH. MICHELLE ENTERS AS

THEY AND DO AN INFORMAL HANDSHAKE, SHE SHAKES HER

HEAD. GUINES AND OLDMAN FROWN.

PROFESSOR GUINES

This is not typical of an examiner

student relationship.

RICHARD

Oh, right! We have a conflict of

interest.

JAKE

We made it clear. Thats what the

rules say.

PROFESSOR GUINES SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS.

PROFESSOR GUINES

Thats not quite how it works.

PROFESSOR OLDMAN

(ANGRY) I will see to it that

following this presentation, your


26/56

24case be investigated! What exactly

is your relationship?

MICHELLE

Well they used to play that You

show me yours, Ill show you mine

game.

JAKE

Used to?

RICHARD GROANS AND JAKE SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS.

RICHARD

(ANGRY) Thats on the record now!

PROFESSOR OLDMAN

Lets get on with it.

THE PROFESSORS SIT AT A TABLE AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM.JAKE TALKS TO MICHELLE CLOSELY.

JAKE

Here are the instructions. Thanks

for wearing that padded bra I

bought you, itll help.

MICHELLE SHAKES HER HEAD AND FROWNS AT JAKES SUIT.

MICHELLE

Greg really out trolled himself

this time. Theres something off

balance about you too.


27/56

25JAKE

I know.

MICHELLE

Im fully paid back after this!

For what happened in the house.

MICHELLE LOOKS AT PROFESSOR OLDMAN, HE SNEEZES AND

WHEEZES.

MICHELLE

We should probably start, (NODS AT

OLDMAN) that one might not have

much time.

QUICK CUT. JAKE STANDS AT THE FRONT OF THE ROOM AND

TALKS TO THE EXAMINERS AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM.

MICHELLE SITS AT THE OTHER COMPUTER.JAKE

Welcome all. I will be discussing

the project I have completed over

the last two years. The Thirty

Years War; an often ignored set

of events during European History

lessons. Most people could not

answer the most basic questions

about the event: Who was in it?

Why was it fought? How long did it

last? etc. I will answer these in


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26depth as I focus on a key battle

during the war. Thanks to state of

the art advances in technology, we

now have front row tickets to

observe some of the most epic

battles of all time. We can also

learn from these simulations, so

that the next time there is

medieval warfare, loss of life can

be minimized. This is The Battle

of Breitenfield (1631). I ask now

that you put on these 3D glasses,

as provided by my beautiful

assistant, Michelle.MICHELLE APPROACHES THE PROFESSORS AT THE BACK AND

RICHARD SMILES TO THE OTHER PROFESSORS.

RICHARD

(TO MICHELLE) Three drinks please.

RICHARD LOOKS AT GUINES AND OLDMAN FOR APPROVAL. THEY

BOTH SCOFF AND SCOWL AT RICHARD.

PROFESSOR OLDMAN

This type of behavior does not

bode well for you tenderfoot.

PROFESSOR OLDMAN SNEEZES AGAIN AND COUGHS. JAKE SHAKES

HIS HEAD AND CLEARS HIS THROAT.


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27JAKE

Before I was so rudely interrupted

by the complete lack of

professionalism displayed by

Professor Yates (RICHARD FROWNS),

I was introducing the beautiful

Michelle. If you will; please

distribute the 3D glasses.

MICHELLE HANDS EACH PROFESSOR A PAIR OF 3D GLASSES.

PROFESSOR OLDMAN

A spitting image of a young Judy

Garland!THE EXAMINERS PUT THE 3D GLASSES ON UNDER THEIR NORMAL

GLASSES AND STARE AT THE SCREEN AT THE FRONT OF THE

ROOM. JAKE SITS DOWN AT ONE COMPUTER, AND MICHELLE AT

THE OTHER. THEY BOTH PUT ON HEADSETS. JAKE LOADS UPTHE SIMULATION SOFTWARE- WHICH IS WARCRAFT 2- ON HIS

COMPUTER, WHICH IS ALSO DISPLAYED ON A LARGE SCREEN AT

THE FRONT OF THE ROOM. JAKE WALKS OVER TO MICHELLE.

THE INTRO OF THE GAME PLAYS BUT JAKE HAS MODIFIED THE

INTRO WITH A POOR VOICEOVER, TO BE RELEVANT TO HIS

BATTLE IN TERMS OF NAMES OF ARMIES AND PLACES, AS IT

PREVIOUSLY REFERENCED WARCRAFT EVENTS. JAKE AND

MICHELLE WHISPER THROUGH THEIR HEADSETS TO EACH

OTHER.JAKE

(QUIETLY) OK, you said you knew

this game.MICHELLE

My brothers were also losers.


30/56

28JAKE

Follow the directions exactly! And

don`t even think about using cheat

codes!

MICHELLE

(SARCASTIC) Yes sir!

JAKE REACHES INTO A BAG AND REMOVES A PAIR OF GAMING

GLOVES AND PUTS THEM ON. HE PULLS OUT A MEGA SIZED

BAG OF DORITOS AND A SEVERAL LARGE ENERGY DRINKS. JAKE

FIXATES ON HIS COMPUTER SCREEN.

JAKE

(OVER THE MICROPHONE) I apologize

as the gloves do not match the

suit. (SILENCE) Game on.MONTAGE STYLE SCENE; JAKE EXPLAINS THAT THE UNITS AND

GEOGRAPHY ARE REMINISCENT OF THE ACTUAL BATTLE. THE

SCREEN SHOWS THE PRESENATION AT VARIOUS POINTS ANDFANTASY UNITS IN BATTLE (EG. WIZARDS, MAGI CASTING

SPELLS, TROLLS, ORCS, AND GIANT SEA TURTLES). JAKE

DRINKS AND EATS DORITOS, THEN WIPES HIS HANDS ON HIS

SUIT. JAKE SNAPS HIS FINGERS OBNOXIOUSLY. TIME PASSES

AS SHOWN BY THE CRUMPLING OF THE DORITOS BAG LIKE A

WILTED FLOWER IN TIME LAPSE. FADE AHEAD TO A PIXELATED

SCREEN THAT SHOWS JAKES ARMY, SEVERAL MISCELLANEOUS

WARCRAFT UNITS, AS THEY SURROUND MICHELLES LAST

STRUCTURE AND ADMINISTER ATTACKS TO THE BUILDING. THE

BUILDING IS DESTROYED AND THE GAME ANNOUNCES VICTORY.

JAKE RAISES HIS HANDS IN CELEBRATION. SILENCE. THEEXAMINATION COMMITTEE APPEARS BAFFLED.

JAKE

Victory to Protestants!


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29SCENE G

EXT. CAMPUS-DAY

JAKE WALKS BRISKLY, BREATHES HEAVILY, AND SMOKES ACIGAR. JAKE TAKES SHORT BUT FREQUENT PUFFS OF THE

CIGAR AS THE CIGAR REMAINS IN HIS MOUTH. JAKE REACHES

INTO HIS INNER SUIT POCKET, GRABS A FLASK, AND TAKES A

QUICK SWIG FROM IT, CIGAR STILL IN MOUTH. JAKE HOLDS A

PHONE TO HIS EAR AND TALKS TO MATTY--LARGE,

OVERWEIGHT, AND BALDING-- WHO SITS AT HIS HOUSE,

SPRAWLED ON HIS COUCH. MATTY EATS CHOCOLATE PROTEIN

POWDER AND WATCHES ENTERTAINMENT NEWS ON THE TV.

JAKE

Matty, you beautiful, fat, twisted

goon, you are late.MATTY

I gotta watch the hellraiser.JAKE

Make the old lady do it. I just

finished, (JAKE LOOKS AT HIS

WATCH) my watch battery died and

the time is stuck on beer oclock.MATTY

The boss is working at the shop.

JAKE

Oh, hell, bring your daughter. She

probably isnt much younger than

the girls in university. The point


32/56

30is we have to close this out and I

am guessing youre rarin to go.MATTY

I guess itll just be good to get

out of the house.MATTY HANGS UP THE PHONE AND TURNS HIS HEAD.

MATTY

(LOUDLY) I bet you cant keep a

secret from Mommy. Get the saddle.CUT TO JAKE. HE REACHES INTO HIS COAT, REMOVES HIS FLASK, AND

TAKES A QUICK SWIG FROM IT AS HE PUFFS ON THE CIGAR.


33/56

31SCENE H

INT.CAMPUS BAR-DAY

JAKE SITS ON A STOOL WITH HIS TOP HAT ON THE BAR, HESIPS A MARTINI. JAKE GRINS AS HE VIEWS PICTURES OF MEN

WITH BEARDS OF BEES ON HIS PHONE. MATTY APPROACHES

WITH HIS DAUGHTER SITTING ON HIS SHOULDERS, ON A

SADDLE --BRIDGET JONES (BJ). SHE WAVES TO JAKE.

BRIDGET JONES (BJ)

Hi Uncle Jake!JAKE GIVES BJ A HIGH FIVE, WHILE MATTY MAKES A TWO

MOTION TOWARDS THE BAR.JAKE

Hi Bridget Jones!MATTY

Call her BJ! Makes the boss livid.

BJ SNIFFS HER NOSE AND SCRUNCHES HER FACE UP.BJ

Uncle Jake, you smell like Daddys

bathroom.

JAKE FROWNS AND SNIFFS HIMSELF AGAIN.

JAKE

Liquor, mayonnaise, and farm

animals litte Beej?

THE BARTENDERS HANDS THEM TWO PITCHERS OF BEER, WITH

THREE GLASSES. MATTY SHAKES HIS HEAD AND WAVES THE

GLASSES AWAY.


34/56

32MATTY

I admit my odor is farmlike. Those

are the pheromones. (TO BARTENDER)

Shirley Temple for this one.

JAKE AND MATTY DRINK STRAIGHT FROM THEIR PITCHERS.BJ

You were just drinking by yourself

at home you dont need more,

Daddy!

MATTY

(TO JAKE) Just like her mom.

JAKE LAUGHS AND SMILES.JAKE

(LOUDLY) To living the dream!

MATTY AND JAKE CHEERS THEIR PITCHERS AND START TO

CHUG. MATTY WALKS OVER TO THE JUKEBOX WITH BJ ON HIS

SHOULDERS AND PUTS ON 'BANG A GONG (GET IT ON)' BY T-

REX. MATTY STARTS TO DANCE AND BITES HIS LOWER LIP. BJ

LAUGHS. MATTY SITS DOWN AGAIN AND DRINKS WITH JAKE, BJ

SITS ON A BARSTOOL BETWEEN THEM. MATTY EATS THE FREE

JAM AND PEANUT BUTTER PACKETS EXCESSIVELY. JAKE CHUGS

A BEER OUT OF HIS TOP HAT, AND WHEN FINISHED HE PUTS

IT ON BJS HEAD.JAKE

Lets do a Manhattan Project.MATTY


35/56

33That sounds too devastating for

me.JAKE

Itll get you bombed I guess, (TO

THE BARTENDER) Launch us two

Manhattans, and two Jager shots.

BJ

(WHINING) I want one launched too!MATTY

(SHAKES HEAD) Nope, nope, nope,

nope.JAKE

Cmon Matty, no one gets exploded

(PAUSES) I mean excluded from the

Manhattan Project, young or old;

male or female.JAKE LOOKS OVER AND SMILES AT HER AND NODS. JAKE WAVES

OVER AT THE BARTENDER AND THE BARTENDER APPROACHES.JAKE

(TO THE BARTENDER) Virgin

Manhattan and a Dr. Pepper shot.THE BARTENDER SLIDES THE DRINKS DOWN AND JAKE PUTS

THEM IN FRONT OF BJ.JAKE


36/56

34Alright. Fat Man, Little Girl.

Launch your weapons.JAKE PICKS UP THE MANHATTAN WITH MATTY AND BJ FOLLOWS

HIS ACTION. JAKE PICKS UP HIS JAGER SHOT AND DROPS ITIN THE MANHATTAN. THEY CHUG, AND EVERYONE CHEERS.

MATTY

That flavor really, really caught

me off guard.

BJ

I cant wait for mommy to make me

a Manhattan Project for my lunch

at school!JAKE

(TURNS TO MATTY AND SHRUGS, LOUD

AND DRUNKENLY) I cant believe Im

done Grad School. Like really? Is

that it?


37/56

35SCENE I


MICHELLE, RICHARD, PROFESSOR GUINES, AND PROFESSOR

OLDMAN SIT IN JAKES EXAMINATION ROOM. SILENCE HANGS

OVER THE ROOM; A CLOCK TICKS EACH SECOND. PROFESSOR

OLDMAN COUGHS. ALL WEAR 3D GLASSES.PROFESSOR GUINES

Surely he doesnt think that is

it.

PROFESSOR OLDMAN

How unprofessional!

RICHARD

I know, students these days!

PROFESSOR OLDMAN

Well phone your friend!

RICHARD PULLS HIS PHONE OUT AND DIALS. RICHARD SMILES AT THE

OTHER PROFESSORS.

RICHARD

Hey there buddy.

QUICK CUT.


38/56

36SCENE J

EXT. CAMPUS-DAY

A LONG SILHOUETTE SHOT SHOWS JAKE AS WAVES HIS BATON

AND DIRECTS MATTY WITH IT. BJ SITS ON MATTYS

SHOULDERS. MATTY KNEELS DOWN, OUT OF BREATH. BJ

LAUGHS, AND JAKE STOPS AND TURNS AROUND.JAKE

(SHOUTING) You goon!BJ

(SLAPS HIS SIDE) Daddy! Go!

MATTY

(HEAVILY BREATHES AND CLUTCHES

CHEST) I think its the big one!JAKE PAUSES A FEW SECONDS, TAKES A QUICK SWIG FROM HIS

FLASK, AND THEN CONTINUES TO SPRINT.


39/56

37SCENE K


JAKE ENTERS OUT OF BREATH AND INTOXICATED. JAKE HOLDSHIS FINGER OUT AND POINTS IT IN THE DIRECTION OF THE

EXAMINATION TABLE, SLOWLY MOVING IT FROM LEFT TO

RIGHT.JAKE

I found you!

AWKWARD SILENCE. MICHELLE WAVES.MICHELLE

So nice meeting all of you nice

young men.PROFESSOR OLDMAN

What a doll!MICHELLE LEAVES THE ROOM.

RICHARD

The spitting image of a young Judy

Garland.

PROFESSOR OLDMAN FROWNS AT RICHARD.

RICHARD

Welcome back. Professor Guines

will begin with his questions.PROFESSOR GUINES


40/56

38Being an expert in this field, I

was blown away with the attention

to detail in the simulation, and

the historical accuracy.JAKE

Thank you. It was a lot of work

using a pre-existing simulation

software for a new application.

PROFESSOR GUINES LAUGHS, JAKE AND RICHARD JOINAWKWARDLY.

PROFESSOR GUINES

Very innovative, although I have

seen similar simulations using Age

of Empires 3, and Starcraft 2.

What are the reasons you chose

Warcraft 2 for your simulation?JAKE

Fantastic question. Warcraft 2 was

chosen by me for its versatility

and range of land, air, and sea

battle units. All of these units

can be correlated with real

soldiers in the battle. Secondly,

the fantasy and magical aspects of


41/56

39Warcraft 2 are not as extreme as

those other softwares. Warcraft 2

is closer to reality.PROFESSOR GUINES

That clears it up. Professor

Yates, hes all yours.RICHARD

Im going to make this brief. As a

materials engineer, I noticed you

chose not to upgrade the weaponry

or armor of your gryphon riders

during simulation, please justify

this choice.JAKE

This question is actually covered

in the written report, which you

should have read, but clearly have

not. (RICHARD FROWNS) The upgrades

were not completed as the

equipment used by my army was

relatively primitive; upgrades

would have made the technological

capabilities of my army far too


42/56

40advanced, thus making the

simulation unrealistic.RICHARD

Thanks. Professor Oldman, you can

now examine Jake.PROFESSOR OLDMAN

(ANGRY) I have never seen a

project with such little

relevance, pulled off so lazily.

This is college level at best!

JAKE

It is a real time strategy game,

used to simulate actual battles.

Emphasis on the real. (A SHOT OF

AN ORC IS SHOWN FIGHTING A WIZARD

ON THE FRONTSCREEN). OK, so some

of the soldiers and units are not

based in reality but that is just

splitting hairs. The exact

battleground was recreated and

units were metaphors for actual

battle units.PROFESSOR OLDMAN


43/56

41(ANGRY) A Masters thesis should

have an extensive amount of work

incorporated into it! This is not

the place for you to play your

video, drink your sugar, and make

plans with your friends for

playing the Ill show you yours

Ill show you mine game!

JAKE

(NODS HEAD) Hmmmm yes, very good.PROFESSOR OLDMAN

(CONFUSED) You have wasted my time

with this presentation! I see no

way of passing you! You must do

more work to pass!JAKE

(NODDING HEAD) Hmmm yes, very

interesting.

PROFESSOR OLDMAN

(CONFUSED) I do not understand

your reaction. And as for you

Professor Yates, I will make sure

the university knows of your


44/56

42corrupt behavior. This does not

bode well for your career.PROFESSOR OLDMAN COUGHS AND SNEEZES HEAVILY. RICHARD CLAPS HIM

ON THE BACK.JAKE

Bless you.

RICHARD

Its his soul trying to escape.

PROFESSOR OLDMAN LETS OUT A FINAL SNEEZE AND COLLAPSES

ONTO THE TABLE. AN AWKWARD SILENCE. JAKE AWKWARDLY

SMILES, AND QUIETLY BELCHES, COVERING HIS MOUTH WITH

HIS HAND.

JAKE

God bless your soul, for it has

tried to escape.

MATTY CRASHES THROUGH THE DOOR WITH BJ ON HIS

SHOULDERS. MATTY WHEEZES FOR AIR, GRASPS HIS CHEST AND

FALLS TO HIS KNEES. QUICK CUT.


45/56

43SCENE L

INT. CAMPUS BUILDING-DAY

GREG AND MICHELLE WALK TOWARDS THE EXAMINATION ROOM.

GREG HOLDS A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AND PACES.

GREG

He must have failed by now.MICHELLE

Soon.A PARAMEDIC TEAM EXITS THE ROOM WITH PROFESSOR OLDMAN

ON A STRETCHER. MATTY IS ALSO REMOVED ON A STRETCHER,AND CLUTCHES HIS CHEST, BJ SITS ON HIS CHEST. BJ HOPS

DOWN AND HOLDS MICHELLES HAND.MICHELLE

I guess youre used to this by

now, eh?

BJ

Daddy gets this way when he eats

too much peanut butter with

Manhattan Projects.

RICHARD AND JAKE EXIT THE ROOM, AND SHAKE THEIR HEADS

IN DISSATISFACTION. JAKES RIGHT HAND RUBS HIS CHEST

INSIDE HIS SHIRT AND HE WINCES.

GREG

Is Mattys high cholesterol

contagious?MICHELLE


46/56

44

Is the big one a-comin?JAKE MOANS, HIS ARM SHAKES. JAKE PULLS A PIECE OF

PAPER FROM INSIDE HIS SHIRT, AND BREAKS INTO ANCELEBRATORY SHOUT. RICHARD, GREG, AND BJ APPLAUD AND

CHEER. MICHELLE FROWNS.

JAKE

(STOIC AND SERIOUS) All hail

mayonnaise!GREG

(GREG SEES HIS SUIT AND HAT) Hey,

what? Mayonnaise doesnt come out!RICHARD

Turns out Professor Oldman has one

pesky mayonnaise allergy. Greg,

had you not given him this suit,

Jake would be out a degree and I

out a job.MICHELLE

Thats truly Miracle Whip.

JAKE

(JAKE INSPECTS HIS HAND) It is a

miracle. Im never washing this

baby again! Greg, your terrible

fashion sense saved me.


47/56

45GREG FROWNS.

RICHARD

Clause 14-D in the School of

Graduate Studies Guidelines states

that, Shall an examiner be unable

to sign off on a passing thesis, a

decision will be reached regarding

the candidate by the remaining

examiners.

MICHELLE

(SHOCKED) A default pass for that

presentation? You better hope he

doesnt wake up.

RICHARD

Well atleast we know the beasts

weakness.

JAKE

OK guys. (PAUSES) I feel like I

really dodged a bullet there. Best

we call her a day, sober up, and

reconvene tomorrow for a quiet

brunch.


48/56

46SCENE M

INT. JAKES APARTMENT-NIGHT

INSIDE JAKES APARTMENT THE DOOR OPENS AND MICHELLE

CARRIES AN INTOXICATED JAKE INTO THE HOUSE, HIS TOPHAT IS COMPLETELY FRAYED AND HAS A PIECE OF PEPPERONI

ON IT. JAKE WEARS A NOVELTY ABRAHAM LINCOLN MASK,

MICHELLE REMOVES IT AND FROWNS. JAKE PULLS TOWARDS

MICHELLE AS IF TO KISS HER. MICHELLE HOLDS UP THE

ABRAHAM LINCOLN MASK, AND JAKE KISSES IT. A DISGUSTED

MICHELLE LOOKS ON AS JAKE MAKES OUT WITH THE MASK.

JAKE PULLS AWAY SATISFIED. QUICK CUT, THE DOOR SLAMS

AND JAKE SLEEPS ALONE IN HIS BED.

END ACT TWO


49/56

47ACT 3

SCENE N

INT. JAKESS APARTMENT-BEDROOM-TWILIGHT

A CLOCK READS 5:30 PM. JAKES PHONE WAKES HIM, AND

PLAYS FREEBIRD.JAKE GETS OUT OF BED, PANTSLESS, ANDSEES RICHARD HAS LEFT SEVERAL MESSAGES FOR HIM. JAKE

LOOKS AT THE PHONE.

JAKE

Those damn Russians.

QUICK CUT.


50/56

48

SCENE O

INT. RICHARDS CAR-TWILIGHT

RICHARD DRIVES, JAKE SMILES IN THE SIDE SEAT, AND THE THREE OF

THEM LISTEN TO TRAFFIC NEWS. RICHARD PULLS INTO THE BEE FARM

PARKING LOT.

JAKE

I just hope Michelles house has a

wheelchair ramp after everything

we did last night.

THEY EXCHANGE HIGH FIVES. A MAN IN A BEEKEEPR SUIT RUNS TOWARDS

THE CAR. RICHARD FROWNS AND LOCKS THE DOORS.

RICHARD

(MUTTERING) Man, this bro looks

totally sketch.JAKE UNLOCKS HIS DOOR MANUALLY.

JAKE

Thats Victor!THE BEEKEEPER-VICTOR- PULLS HIS HELMET OFF KNEELS DOWN

NEAR THE CAR WINDOW. JAKE ROLLS DOWN HIS WINDOW.VICTOR

Oh, Ill tell you what boys, shes

all gone to hell! You cant trust

a Russian in this business!

GREG


51/56

49See Jake.

JAKE

Howd you know I was dealing with

a Russian?

VICTOR

The Russians deal those African

killer bees! And thats what we

have to deal with now in my

sanctuary.JAKE

We cant spray or use traps...

thatll risk killing all of the

bees. We need to do a controlled

burn.QUICK CUT.


52/56

50SCENE P

EXT. BEEKEEPERS PARKING LOT- TWILIGHT

JAKE, RICHARD, AND VICTOR EXAMINE A SCHEMATIC OF THE

BEEFARM, PLACED ON THE HOOD OF RICHARDS CAR. GREG

HOLDS UP HIS PHONE AND RECORDS IT. JUST LIKE HONEY

BY THE JESUS & MARY CHAIN PLAYS.VICTOR

(POINTS ON THE DIAGRAM) I loaded

the bees into this part. But now

theyre loose and raisin hell!JAKE

We can do a prescription burn on

the area where they are likely to

be located.

RICHARD

(POINTS ON THE DIAGRAM) Yes,

starting here. We might take out

some of the good ones but theres

no chance the fire will spread to

the rest of the sanctuary.JAKE

Richard you have some road flares

in that car?RICHARD


53/56

51Affirmative.

RICHARD RUNS TO THE TRUNK OF THE CAR.

JAKE

All we need now is some

hairspray...RICHARD COMES BACK WITH THE FLARE AND HAIRSPRAY. GREG

FROWNS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.

GREG

Hairspray but no record player.

JAKE

(CONFUSED) Thanks. Victor, what

youre going to do is spray the

can while holding the flare in

front of you. Its safer than

crossing the road for a tea.VICTOR

Ah, hell if Im doing that!

GREG

I wouldnt be caught dead in that

thing.

VICTOR

(TO JAKE) You look about my size.QUICK CUT.


54/56

52SCENE Q

INT. BEE SANCTUARY-NIGHT

JAKE RUNS INTO THE VICTORS BEE SANCTUARY WEARING THE

BEEKEEPER SUIT. THE FLARE BURNS AND HE BEGINS TORCHING

EVERYTHING IN SIGHT WITH THE HAIRSPRAY TORCH. JUST

LIKE HONEY STOPS. QUICK CUT.


55/56

53SCENE R

EXT. BEE SANCTUARY-NIGHT

THE MEN STAND IN A LINE. THE ROARS OF A FIRE AREHEARD, AND THEIR FACES ARE ILLUMINATED WITH ORANGE

LIGHT; GREG RECORDS. THE SHOT CHANGES TO SHOW THE

ENTIRE BEE SANCTUARY ON FIRE.

JAKE

The wind must have changed.RICHARD

I think we cleared out the

Africans atleast.

GREG

You know, you should watch what

you say when I am blackmailing you

like this.

VICTOR

My sanctuary...gone! Hope you have

a good lawyer.SILENCE.

JAKE

(ANNOYED) Never even got to do the

beard of bees.

END ACT THREE


56/56

54

THE END

keepin' busy (01x01) alternate pilot script by craig mara

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