KalayaanReviewThree SIDE Bprose, poetry and art byKLC and LOKal

PUBLISHED BYKALAYAAN LITERARY CIRCLE

FIirst published as Kalayaan Review Three: Side B 2015

COVER DESIGN: JAKE DELA CRUZLAYOUT: DOMINIQUE GRANADOS

Special thanks go to Lorena Balina

INSTAGRATIFICATIONMarion Theodore Guayco

I remember the sunrise.I remember scratching off the morning from my eyesand stretching up my arms to the skies.Id get lost in the window of my room and get blinded by the beauty of the sunrise,so warm and vibrant -- like the sweet embrace of family anyone would surely re-prise.

But now the window has gone dark.Instead of scraping off the morning and rekindling that spark, instead of reaching for the skies to stretch my slumbering bones,I would scramble to the sides of my bed to reach for my phone.

Lift my phone to the dawn,and open the camera. Adjust the focus -- Snap. Appreciation here has gone.I am now in the artificial nirvana.I wait here now for the likes to arrive like a swarm of lotus --this is the beginning of our societal gap.

Let me first adjust and change and alterthe eternally natural beauty of the sun and skies, it makes me wonderwhat kind of filter should I use: Willow, Hudson, Valencia or X Pro II?But I also dont want to forget to decrease the contrast, tweak its brightness,Increase the warmth and let me slightly sharpen it and remove the darknessBecause Im sure with these modifications I can reinvent the outdated view.Let me post it. Hope people like it. Hope people double-tab and admire it.

And now let me stare into this dark light I have in my hand. Ill just get lost a bit into other peoples experiences, small or grand: breakfast, walking the dog, reading a book, eating ice cream or sky diving,or maybe even gun shot, tequila shots, a shot of your face -- this is now what you call living. We upload and upload all our moments and expensive experiences, slowly but surely getting consumed by this digital doom just to put up this facade of neatness.

I am lost. I do not want to be found. I want to keep liking what I see and keep scroll-ing downIm fine with this window in my hands with a window to everyone. This is my world now. I can communicate through anyone here. As long as I get enough likes on my uploaded photo, I have nothing to fear. Thank you Instagram for being my divine intervention. If only I could upload my soul for Instagratification.

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ADVICE FROM FEBRUARYZach Pagkalinawan

For every year that goes byYou grow older and wiserYet as time slowly passesWe tend to forget some thingsThat have happened in the pastAnd what was done to us back thenMay no longer be altered

So kindly remember thisYou are still my greatest friendAn audacious stalwartWho has sacrificed so muchFor that which matters mostKeep believing in yourselfLet not bygones chain your heart

Love is power beyond usShaking mountains of memoryThat desire to change thingsBe it for ones benefitOr ones maledictionIs not what makes us humanBut defines humanity

From dreams we carve destinyThe fate of all that existsHas always been determined By the individualThough should you opt to share thisAnd leash your being to meI will accept...no regrets Neo Maestro

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OBLIGADOhandog ni Marion Guayco

Namimilipit ang bawat dalirisa bawat hampas ng orassa inasam mong trabaho na ngayoy silbi ay purgatoryoat nais mo lamang tumiwalag at lumangoy sa liwanag.

Ang iyong imahinasyon ngayoy nasasapot ng mga korporasyon:dinidikta, pinipilipit, pinupunat minamaliit.nalilinlang din ang karamihan sa kanilang mga tinitingalaan: mga pating na napaka-terno, nakasuot pang ngiting galing impyerno.

unti-unting linalamon ng responsbilidad ang inyong abilidadmabuhay, mangarap, malasing sa tawat lumanghapng bawat pagkakataon...kaya halinat tumiwalag sa ating mistulang bilanggot bumangon.mula sa libingan ng ating bukas -- halinat tayoy tumuklas

at kupkupin natin ang bawat bituin.luwagan na natin ang ating mga korbata at buksan ang ating mga talata,basagin ang mga kadena ng pagdududaat tuklasin natin na hindi lahat ng saya ay nasa kinang ng pera

dahil oras na para sagutin natin ang tanong nabalot sa takotat isugal natin ang bukas para sa isang karapat-dapat na pag-aklasmula sa kinauukulan karaniwan para tayoy lumisanmula sa tawag ng panahon, dahil obligado tayo mabuhay, bumangon.

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AVOIDING EARTHLY SINSKatrina Beatrice Viola

Do not interest me with richesSimple food, fresh air and imagination will do Just good time and good food with the zestRiches provide a fake oath,It can provide everything. From companionships, jobs or dignity Yet volatile once they lose value or lostAs Time and Fate play tricks to foolish humans

Do not interest me with powerToo much disturbing paths aheadBlood supports the foundations, Stories of betrayal abound, Machinations to keep in control Nothing can satisfy this hungerNot a verdant land, rice nor water Nor harem, nor anything, nor positionBurning desires demand more responsibilities A sword on dangling their heads

Do not interest me with gossip Word passes from mouth to mouth From his family or her real storySeeks prey on the different, the famous and anyoneMalice convulsed stories into hideous beastsWith words as their vehicle, Jumping from mouth to mouthUntil the gossip will be treated as truth

Three earthly sins, Fused together can flick morality outStrangling Reason and poisoning passion, One must avoid these.

LOOK ME IN THE EYESamantha Lim

She talks with great passionEvery word she speaks is full of lifeEvery sentence an experience!Full of love, truth, and fearOne problem though;She never looks me in the eye

As her words caress my mind,her eyes focus on lipsAs she talks about lost loveher eyes focus on the windAs she fills me with great energy her gaze wanders

Is it me? Is it she?Why cant she look at me?It bothers me that she cant seeThat I can give her every bit of me

And is start to noticeEvery conversation is about loveLove that was meant to beNut never will beSomething is always wrong says she

And I begin to understandWhy she never looks me in the eyeFor in every truth there is a lieShe never told all her fearsAll the reason her nights are dark

For it was no them that saidIt was not meant to beIt was she who ended itJust when things got serious

I asked, and asked herWhat made you run away?

She pushed and pushed meBut I never did sway

Then she spoke of the truthOn why she was afraidCommitment, she says is a rockThat weighed her downShe fears how they can break her

I couldnt understandThis need to be freeSo I ask her to let me inAnd fix her broken wingMaybe I could help

Then she screamed get away!You cant fix meFor you cannot fix what is not brokenI am not broken

She ran away, did not look backBut I chased her and shoutedBut I never reached herFor she had flown awayAway from the world and me

Then I never heard her laugh againNever felt her energy vibrateI guess like the rest of themWe were never meant to bBecause I am the rock that weigh her down

But now I know that she neededTo be free; because no matter what I doOr anybody else at thatShe will always fly awayBecause she fears commitment

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Jeff Reyes

WHAT DO YOU LIVE FORAnezka Maria Verano

I first encountered this question almost a year ago. A few days before that, I al-most made an attempt on my life. Afterwards, I consulted my therapist. It was a Thursday. I told her how I didnt want to live anymore and how I arrived at that decision. She nodded and kept eye contact with me like what her books and pro-fessors told her before she became a therapist. Honestly, it felt more awkward just watching her stare at me. When I finished telling her about how I was going to depart from this world, she cleared her throat and asked me

What do you live for?

I was stunned like those words just came crashing in and knocked me over. I didnt have any smart-ass comment or reply to that and she knew that. She told me that todays session ended then and told me to think about it and write down the things that I live for, as homework.

Its been a couple of months since I was given the homework and still dont know what I live for. Though, if I think about it, its not that hard to answer, is it? If I asked my family, they would say that theres nothing wrong with me and that Im living in the name of God. If I asked my boyfriend, he would say that Im living for us, for love, and for our future.

Still, I sadly admit, that I attempted to take my own life by jumping in front of the train yesterday. Im still in search of what it is Im living for. There must be a reason why Im still here and writing this.

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NOTES FROM MY PASTEL ROOMAndrea Manda

I was online the whole day today. Well, everyone is these days but let me put it in perspective. I was online the whole day today and took a break an hour past midnight. Bathroom breaks and meals dont count. This was one of those rare moments where I proverbially throw the shiny pebble that once caught my attention. I felt nau-seated the whole night, and that was a blessing in disguise. I needed a break from all the distractions. I cant help but notice the serendipity in that. But let me reserve the backstory for my bad habits some other time.

I told myself I was going out for a walk tonight, but it became much too late for that. So I let my little dog roam around the lot while I looked on. He did much more exciting things than I did than with the whole day I spent glued on my laptop. You see, every night, we hear some poor little neighborhood dog cry. My dogs ears perked up as soon as he heard them again tonight, and he almost looked appalled. I wonder what thoughts run in his little mind. I sat on the foot of the door, calling him back every few minutes and trying to coerce him to tell me what was going on. He grazed along my shins and ran back to the gate to listen to the dog neighbors. Im talking to a dog at this ungodly hour... Bark. Bark. Woof.

I looked up and the skies were clear. There were less clouds to obscure the stars tonight, but the bright, blinking red light caught my eye. There was a tall satel-lite dish behind the house which was directly across us and it had this red light that blinked. It blinked at four-second intervals, but that depends how far you were. From the view of your house, it blinked at an almost 5-second interval.

I was amused how you could also see the same satellite from where you lived. I remembered one of our conversations one night. I told you to say blink when the red light went out. We synchronized each blink, pause, and blink. I had the sneaking suspicion you timed it so we synchronized perfectly, but it doesnt matter now. That was more than three years ago.

You always got your life together. So it came as no surprise that you still got it together after I left. People were almost scared of you for how much you had planned out your life. But I was this huge, puzzling puzzle piece that didnt seem to fit perfectly in your plans. I had to change my whole shape, size, dimension, and color just so I can fit in that tiny little jigsaw gap. I would look so broken, misshapen, unrecognizable and strange even if I tried, but for you that did not matter. So with that logic, I was the wrong one on all accounts and youre absolutely right, but boy that didnt stop you from trying to fit this huge block of lego into your jigsaw puzzle. I had to put an end to it. I was not part of your put-together life.

But since I last saw you write, it gave me an odd sense of satisfaction to know youve been calling me names behind my back, because that just means Im that hard to forget, huh? The what ifs? What it could have been a lifetime with me? Hahaha! I remembered you didnt have a good sense of humor about these things. At least you finally have a decent haircut now, so go get yourself that perfect puzzle piece.

Id call these moments bittersweet. But I never would have thought of them again, and I wouldnt have if it wasnt for me watching all the successful people on my facebook feed. Its been happening in disturbing frequency that I would torture myself like this. I know exactly what to expect yet, again and again I fall for this trick.

These dark beings come in through the cracks of my ceiling, and I invite them with my self-paralyzing fears. Youre better off than me, and Im just this pathetic little nobody. I wish I could live in the snowiest, most expensive regions of Norway just to show them I could! Thats how I know theyre here. They pick up mental garbage from the past and leave it in places I dont care to look. While those cracks never seem to disappear, all they need is permission to get in. It seems they left a mess since they last came in. But I clean up well after myself, so Ill have to keep at it.

It takes a while before Im back to myself and I remember how patiently you waited. Im really, actually happy for you. Im thankful for the moments we had to-gether, the good and the bad. I hope to wake up every day knowing Im in charge of my life and have all the opportunities to be successful if I put my heart and soul into it. Im proud that youve found success in your life, even if others just expect it from you. I know its not that easy, stop trying to hide it. And besides, I cant stand cold weather, Id freeze to death in Norway... the January breeze already gave me a fever that hasnt disappeared since last week.

Its absurd how easily I can bring myself down. I lock myself up in a pastel yellow-painted room all day and beat myself up for not being amazing yesterday. I dread the day the yellow paint peels off my room and I lose myself running around in the shadows, but that day is far away from today. Ive yet to become one of the trapped women in these walls creeping over you every time, John.

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I came from a long commute today and took note of the sunset. The commute makes you forget the visual garbage outside so you can just get home. I didnt realize I lumped in the sunset, that was inconsiderate. But now that I think about it, the city has its way of making nature a mere backdrop. Rows of buildings with trees and bushes wedged crudely in the spaces, birds flying overhead blocking the view from the win-dow. The abnormality of this order struck me profoundly.

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And so I really looked at the sunset on my way home this time. The rust orange sky battled the familiar deepening blues of day. It was as if the bright sun drained itself before my eyes, and I was the only one who witnessed its death. A mixture of fear and awe developed as I attempted to recall the fables of old attempting to de-scribe this mundane phenomenon. I settled on the belief that it was the eternal chase between gods that caused this shift.

Beside me were people checking their phones, the backlight framed their fac-es. The rays of the sun itself now a burnt color haphazardly smudged on the horizon. And just as the traffic hit the green light, it was night. I begin to notice the stars about to make their entrance, but the city wont have that. The city has its own time, and the dullness of the streets were drowned out by the flooding of fluorescent lights and tacky neon signs. Im telling you, you should still be awake.

The streetlamps flickered by, their amber color the only light I could grasp reminiscent of the dramatic sky. I could not stop thinking about it as I lay in bed. The bright orange light of my lamp made a mockery of it. I turned it off and felt at ease. The room immediately became pitch black. I closed my eyes and buried my face un-der the sheets. I hadnt slept in the dark for years. I wondered if they were still there, waiting to feed on me again.

But as I slowly opened my eyes, they quickly adjusted to the darkness. I looked around and there was nobody there. My room looked calm and peaceful as the moon cast a strange glow on my pastel walls. The heavy weight has been lifted once and for all.

Photograph of a painting* (taken at KC in 2014) Denise Atienza-Cabrera

*Art

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Jean Castano

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CONTRIBUTORSDENISE ATIENZA-CABRERA (p.25)

JEAN CASTANO (p.28)ALDO CUERVO (p.26)

POCHOLO DELA TORRE (p.8)MARION THEODORE GUAYCO (p.4,15)

SAMANTHA LIM (p.19)NEO MAESTRO (p.7,16)ANDREA MANDA (p.22)

ZACH PAGKALINAWAN (p.6)JEFF REYES (p.20,27)

MIGUEL ROBLEZA (p.3,30)MATTHEW SALAZAR (p.29)ANEZKA VERANO (p.21)

KATRINA BEATRICE VIOLA (p.18)