john q. publik's america: a play
TRANSCRIPT
John Q. Publik’s America:A Play
John Q. Publik is a wealthy New York businessman who has a disdain for foreigners and the use of languages besides English. He is leaving his office for the day.
But John, hear me out. The people hate big business. They hate it more and more every
day thanks to that upstart Bernard or Bernie or whatever.
Thinks he’s gonna be the big man in the White House.
Meanwhile, we’re like a dog with its tail between its legs.
Our sales are plummeting, and no one wants to buy stock
anymore. Are you just gonna sit there and let them call the
shots? No!
So you make the deal with Tom and his crooks, fix up the Lower
East end, make it all nice and pretty with a big fancy ribbon to cut, and the public will love ya! And we’ll love the huge sales
and shares. Simple.
No, no, and no Stan! I will not smear my family’s good name in
that part of Manhattan. Look, we’ve known each other for
twenty years now, from when your father worked for my father.
I know you’re loyal, hell, I’d even call ya a friend. But the lion does not eat at the same table as the mouse. Publik Incorporated will
not dirty its name with immigrants. I will hear no more
of this.
Spend this weekend with your family, Stan, it’s the
last one before peak season. Oh, and have a happy Fourth of July!
You too, John, you too.
John Q. Publik is chauffeured to his
penthouse in a wealthy Long Island
neighborhood.
Chaiyya, chaiyya –
Shah Rukh! What did I tell
you about Bollywood?
There already enough problems in America
besides wannabe Indian Hollywood. But,
sir, youtube people have dubsmash of
Chaiyya Chaiyya and Michael Jackson –
I will dock you a day’s pay.
Sorry sir. Not happen again.
Happy July four.
When John arrives at his home, he pours himself a
drink and goes to bed, only to wake up to a July 4 one hundred years in the
past.
Dammit! I need a copy of those blueprints from
Stan.
John jumps out of bed, alarmed.
John picks up his phone to call Stan, but is dismayed to find
that there is no service. Well since it’s
Shah Rukh’s day off, I guess I’m just
going to have to drive myself over
to Stan’s.
John gets in his car and drives to the heart of the city,
increasingly troubled by the unfamiliar cityscape.
This doesn’t look like
New York...
When the course of a Fourth of July parade blocks any further progress, John decides to give up on the blueprints and enjoy the sight. Eventually, John sees a banner that shows the real
date: July 4, 1915.
JULY 4, 1915
JULY 4, 1915
July 4, 1915! It can’t be! You sir, what is the date?
July 4, 1915. It says so right there on that banner.
John Q. Publik backs away from the scene, dazed. He comes
across a group of Italian immigrants selling oranges.
Buongiorno signor! Would you like an
orange? Five cents! Nice and fresh!
I must be in hell!
Are you feeling well, signor?
John Q. Publik once again runs away, this time
encountering a busy street market.
Das bread for you, herr sir? Shalom! A
wood carving for your home
mentsh?
Señor! Señor! Cerveza of the
finest quality for you, for you price
3 cents!Néih hóu! Fortune calendar tell you
your future! Like to try?
John Q. Publik runs away for a third time. He comes face-to-face with a man who closely resembles himself. The man is sweeping the ground in
front of a shop whose sign reads Publik Lebensmittelgeschäft.
Intrigued, John begins to approach the man, who is revealed to be his
great-grandfather.
Publik Lebensmittelgeschäft
Guten tag! Can I help you?
Who is the owner of this
store? I am. Herr Publik. Who is asking?
A distant relative. Uh, I am Herr
Jürgen. I don’t know a Herr Jürgen and you are
no Deutscher!
Publik Lebensmittelgeschäft
Well, that’s because my grandfather left for America fifty years ago. His brother, your grandfather Johann
stayed in Germany. We tried to write but it was
impossible.
Yes, we did always wonder what happened
to that dumköpf Jochim...very well, what
is it you want Herr Jürgen?
Do you have any children?
Only one! And what would you want with Johann? ! Mein Gott, Jochim’s side of the family was always a little geistesrank.
Publik Lebensmittelgeschäft
And when was he born?
Dumköpfs, all of you! If you must know, it was
December 1, 1900.So it’s true! The lion is no
different from mouse! Thank you, great-
grandfather Johann!
What crazy schieße runs in mein family! It was nice talking to you
cousin Jürgen, but if you don’t mind, I have
work to do.Of course, of course. Auf wiedersehn! Tell the younger Johann that I will see him in
about fifty-five years!
Dumköpf with half-brain.
Everything begins to spin. John Q. Public closes his
eyes, and when he opens them, he is back in the
present day, staring at his own company’s building.
John, are you even listening? The people hate big business. They hate it more and more every day thanks to Bernie
Sanders. Our sales are plummeting, and no one wants
to buy stock anymore.
Are you just gonna sit there? You have to take the deal with Tom. Fix up the Lower East End
with a nice ribbon-cutting ceremony, and the public will
be yours! As will huge sales and shares. Simple.
You know what, Stan? I think that sounds like a great idea. And I think we should expand our
community outreach agency.
John, what’s happened to you? It almost
sounds like you have a heart!
Shah Rukh Khan arrives.
Sir?
Shah Rukh! Have you heard the dubsmash of
Michael Jackson and Chaiyya Chaiyya yet?
