TRAVISTY

Travisty dates Clare college

Trinity goes to christ church

Issue 54 - March 2014

May

B

all

Travisty meets the may ball

committee

Here we are again. Week five has passed, our May Ball tickets have been bought and we are just one week from the end of term... how time flies. !

And when time is flying, there is nothing better to slow it down than putting away your work (or if you’re me, avoiding picking it up in the first place), grabbing a

cup of coffee (for the caffeine you will need to make up for the aforementioned putting away of work), and settling down with this week’s

issue of Travisty. !Expect an exclusive interview with our May Ball ents officer Charlie Peacock, where Travisty takes a hard ‘all or nothing’ line on finding

out about the upcoming party. !Also, due to popular demand and our deep-ridden

dedication to equality, we are following up last issue with a look at the college’s ‘Most Eligible Bachelorettes’. Look

out men of Trinity. !Speaking of romance, we thought we’d venture

into the world of love without ‘Trinity goggles’ and so have sent our very own Mary Harvey on a date with a writer from Clare’s college

magazine. Thanks to everyone at ‘Clarification’ for making it happen. !

Other highlights include sexy procrastination, the fashionable tourist of the week and of course

some salient life advice from Georgina Summer herself. So all that’s left to say is,

enjoy! !Lots of Trinity love, !

Talia xxx

May ball!Travisty reveals all

(or nothing) P.4

Weekly Rant!

Feasts vs. hall P.10

Trinity goes to Christchurch!

For a day of sporty fun P.12

If I Were on the Committee!By James Taylor

P.5

Travisty Dates Clarification!

We sent Mary Harvey on a date P.6

Bachelorettes!This week it’s the ladies turn

P.14

Letter from the editor

!Editor: Talia Zybutz Features Editor: James Taylor Design: Thomas Hughes-Mclure

Contributors: Mary Harvey, Leo Sands, Elissa Foord, James Taylor, Jack Harding, Caitlin de Jode, Harriet Cartledge, Rose Lander, Becca Coyle, George Morris, Catriona Chaplin, Jessie Barnett-Cox, Amy George

Special bumper issue!!16 pages

Dear Will,

I must confess that this term has been somewhat of a disappointment for me. I spent the latter part of the holidays boasting to my friends about our inevitable meeting as we both reach for the last pack of pitta bread underneath the fluorescent lights of Sainsbury’s.

I even endured the John’s swap (your connection to this college, though regrettable, is something that I am prepared to look past in pursuit of your friendship) in the futile hope that you would appear and rescue me from the ‘lads’.

And as I lie awake at night, flicking through Tinder, praying that your face will pop up followed by those triumphant little words, “It’s a match!” I start to wonder whether this bespoke 10-week course may have been a conspiracy, a ruse, a publicity stunt. But if it is true, and it is also true that you were recently seen helping to build flood defences in Datchet, Berkshire, then I sincerely hope you got an Exeat.

I will be awfully embarrassed to disclose to my friends on my return home that I have failed to meet you. Actually… you have failed to meet me. In the words of my grandparents (who incidentally think I look a lot like Kate Middleton), I’m “a catch” so it’s your loss.

Love,

Rose Lander xoxo

ACCIDENTAL HIPSTER TOURIST WE SEE THEM ON OUR WAY TO HALL, WE

BUMP INTO THEM ON OUR WAY TO LECTURES, AND OCCASIONALLY WE WATCH WITH

HORROR AS WE THINK WE SEE THEM ABOUT TO WALK ON THE GRASS. FLEETINGLY, WE

MAKE EYE CONTACT. OUR LOOKS OF BEWILDERED AMUSEMENT ONLY

RECIPROCATED WITH GLANCES OF SIMILAR CONFUSION. BUT WHO ARE THESE TOURISTS WILLING TO PART WITH £1 TO WALK ALONG

THE PATH TO THE OTHER END OF GREAT COURT? TRAVISTY SET OUT TO CONQUER THE

CULTURAL GULF ON BEHALF OF COLLEGE, AND MAYBE EVEN LEARN SOME FASHION

TRICKS.

Names: Ivan and Ken !Native Country: Malaysia!Favourite thing about the UK: Bangers and mash, oh and Prince Harry!Favourite thing about the bubble: the architecture and atmosphere!If you could study here, what would you study: Physics or Business Studies!If you could be an animal what would you be: Cat and dragon!- Leo Sands

AN OPEN LETTER TO PRINCE WILLIAM

Page �3TRAVISTYV

The

May Ball

So I’ve heard we have Beyonce for May Ball? !No comment!!So where is Blue Ivy going to stay, I don’t mind babysitting her?!No comment!!Okay FINE. Beyonce isn’t coming. Can you tell us who is?!No comment!!Not giving me a lot to work with here are you Charlie?!Unfortunately not!!So you must have gotten pretty good at keeping secrets, not being able to tell any of your friends about the headliners. What are your top secret keeping tips? !Keep a straight face, and don’t nervous laugh (I’m getting quite good at this). Also don’t get too drunk…No scratch that, just go on a drinking ban. !!What have you enjoyed most about being may ball ents officer? Have you been able to rub shoulders with any famous people? !No, well only via e-mail. By the way Mary, May Ball should be written with capital letters… Erm what have I enjoyed most? Having the power. You can hashtag something here if you like. That would be funny. What fits here? #THATPOWER? No then people might think we have Will.I.Am. Which we don’t, well we might, no

comment remember. What about #betterthanjohns. Which of course it will be. Oh, and of course the cocktail tasting, that was fun. !!What’s the worst thing about being on may ball committee in general?!The e-mails. I don’t do spam. *Giggles nervously*. Will I get in trouble for saying that? !!If you could have anyone headline may ball, regardless of price, who would you pick? !Probably Beyonce. And JayZ, with Blue Ivy as a back up dancer. !!I heard that last year Boyzone wanted over £150k to play May Ball. Considering one of them is dead this is pretty steep. Was there anyone outrageously expensive this year? !I don’t think I’m allowed to tell you that? Hmmm… Well you’d be surprised about how much Chico is asking for.!!Who is Chico?!Everyone knows who Chico is Mary. !!Some have called you our most successful TCSU ents officer EVER, how do you feel about that?!Humbled *giggles but not nervously this time*!!What’s been your favourite college Ent that you’ve thrown and why?!Ooh, I don’t know. TCSU garden party probably. Simply for the size of the bulldog. Does that sound a bit weird? For the copious amount of Pimms and M&S sandwiches. They were good. And scones, and victoria sponge, and Bakewell tarts… and sausage rolls, and scotch eggs… and jelly and ice cream. !!I heard along the grapevine that you got quite merry at Trinstock, what was your favourite thing about that night?!HAH. Looking through the photobooth photos the day after. !!If you could give Cat, our new Ents officer, one piece of advice what would it be? !Don’t get too drunk, or go on a drinking ban. !!- Mary Harvey

#C.PEACOCK (READ FAST FOR AMUSEMENT)

CHARLIE PEACOCK IS THE CROWNING GLORY OF ENTS. SHE ENTERTAINS US UNTIL THE SUN COMES UP. SHE THROWS THE BEST PARTIES, WHERE THERE ARE USUALLY FREE SHOTS AND FREE HATS AND FREE SWEETS (AND IF YOU STAY TO TIDY UP AFTERWARDS, FREE POSTERS FOR YOU ROOM). HAVING JUST HANDED OVER THE ROLE OF TCSU ENTS OFFICER TO CATRIONA CHAPLIN, AND WORKING HARD AS MAY BALL ENTS OFFICER, THIS BUSY BEE IS HARD TO TRACK DOWN. FORTUNATELY WE HAPPEN TO BE FRIENDS (YES SHE’S MY BEST FRIEND NOT YOURS), AND I WAS ABLE TO CORNER HER IN-BETWEEN MAY BALL MEETINGS AND E-MAILING BEYONCE ARRANGING FOR HER TO BE HEADLINER.

The

May Ball

The Trinity May Ball committee might not be giving anything away, but that doesn’t limit our freedom to imagine. Given the college’s wealth, I’ve been pushing all limits of what could reasonably be expected with some ambitious predictions of how things are going to play out.!

First of all, I have high hopes for the role of the porters. Day in, day out, their formal and regimental manner is unwavering, but I see the May Ball as a chance to break with mundane routine and convention. Walking through Great Court every day, you can’t fail to notice their poise and graceful movement, so surely a big ensemble act would really play to their strength - an all-porter rendition of the can-can springs to mind. !

Alternatively, I feel that gladiatorial one on one porter fights in Great Court would really give this year’s May Ball the edge

against John’s. I heard one of them took a crazy thief down in Great Court once, so we can safely assume it wouldn’t be a dull event.!

Speaking of John’s, I’m sure that the canon in the fellows’ garden (the one positioned facing John’s) could be put to better use. Having heard that their fireworks have a tendency to steal the show, it seems to me only fair that we level the playing field by stepping up the fire power a bit. I’m not inciting full scale college war here (I am) but, as far as I can see, a few volleys at the Cripps building would surely be in our common interest! !

Here’s hoping it’s not too late for the committee to incorporate my ideas – roll on June!

IF I WERE ON THE MAY BALL COMMITTEE… JAMES TAYLOR DISHES ON HIS HOPES FOR THIS YEARS MAY BALL

TRAVISTY DATES CLARIFICATION

THAT’S RIGHT, CLARE COLLEGE HAS A MAGAZINE TOO. SO WE TOOK THE NATURAL NEXT STEP AND SENT OUR VERY OWN MARY HARVEY ON A DATE WITH

THE CLARIFICATION WRITER GEORGE MORRIS. LET’S SEE HOW SHE FARED...

Preconceptions? !The last date I had was in year five when a boy took me to the park, ate three daisies in front of me, and proceeded to ask me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. Needless to say, George had big shoes to fill.!!After sel f -declar ing himself to have “impressive social awkwardness and near-complete lack of dating experience”, expectations were not particularly high. Unless of course he turned out to be a maniacal herbivore and stuffed his face with daisies or maybe even something more romantic like roses, in which case he’d have me in the bag. Unfortunately, he ordered a steak within about thirty seconds of looking at the menu. !!First impressions? !I decided to arrive fashionably late, four minutes to be precise. He arrived five minutes late, so I was not impressed. I pretended to be answering important messages, and he seemed to be doing the same as he crossed the road a minute later, so at least we were both on the same page. !The first thing he said when we sat down? “This is going to be horrible, harrowing.” Jesus Christ someone get me a glass of wine, I actually put a bra on for this. !!What did you talk about?!F o r t u n a t e l y c o n v e r s a t i o n w a s n o t horrendously awkward. First we bonded over being from the midlands, feeling like a lost soul who’s not considered a northerner, but is certainly not from north London. The mundane college/course/Cambridge chat

quickly dribbled away however when we both realised how superior we were to this, and instead spilled our hearts out about poverty, society, feminism ETC. Does he want gender equality? CHECK. Does he hate private schools? CHECK. Does he hate rowers? CHECK. I’m hearing wedding bells. Actually turns out he is a private school boy himself, but just fucking loves equality. !!Best thing about the date? !Well it was a date and I was on it so that was probably the best thing.!!Worst thing about the date?!The dessert was pretty shit. Could be likened to a thimble-sized pot of melted nutella. !!Trajectory?!The date was fun but he said he hasn’t been to Life all term which is suspicious, and doesn’t do sport because he doesn’t like wearing shorts, w h i c h i s a l s o suspicious. !!C o u l d h e m e e t your parents? !Why would I put anybody through that?!!W i l l y o u m e e t again?!I don’t kiss and tell!

Page �6 TRAVISTYV

CLARIFICATION DATES TRAVISTY GEORGE MORRIS SUMS UP HIS DATING EXPERIENCE

Preconceptions?!I don’t do dates. Not just because they’re not regularly on offered to me, but also because I don’t like them.!So when our esteemed editor asked whether I would participate in a cheap rip-off of the Tab blind date column for this paper, my obvious instinct was to say no.!But he wanted someone who’d hate it, someone who’d have the worst evening imaginable; the hardest demographic to talk into going on a blind date. I thought about his weekly struggle with the photocopier, his constant fear that he wouldn’t be able to fill enough pages and that he’d ruin brunch for everyone, and I pitied him more than I’ve ever pitied the starving beneficiaries of RAG, and said I’d do it.!!First impressions?!While this is being ‘marketed’ as a blind date, it was more partially-sighted. In other words, I was able to conduct a very thorough Facebook stalk. Mary Harvey appears, to all intents and purposes, to be a very nice person on Facebook. She seems cool (she has a nose piercing), a good laugh (she licks things of people’s chests- BANTER), attractive (photographs). I couldn’t help but feel pity for the poor woman who, used to this life of effortless self-confidence, would be greeted at the doors of the restaurant by me.!!Were you on form?!Naturally I was nervous. One glass of wine, I thought, would settle the nerves. But it is a truth universally acknowledged that there is no such thing as ‘one glass of wine’. ‘One glass of wine’ is a widely recognised euphemism for ‘quite a lot of

wine’. And so, five m i n u t e s l a t e , I staggered towards t h e r e s t a u r a n t , thoroughly infused with alcohol, and reassuring myself that many people had told me many times that I disguise drunkenness well.!!

What did you talk about?!Maybe it was the bottle of wine, but things didn’t go quite as awkwardly as I expected. Pleasantly, the conversation did not immediately begin with inquiries into year, college, subject etc., though it naturally, unavoidably, came to that. She was nice, and talked a lot, which was a relief. So the only awkwardness I felt, in a cruel twist of fate, was the effort to conceal the pre-drinking I had undergone to disguise my nervousness. Every word was a potential slur, every movement a potential stumble. Every glass of wine I had with my meal might be the straw to break the alcoholic’s back.!!Best thing about your date?!It wasn’t the unmitigated fuck-up I expected.!!Worst thing about your date?!As a result of the drinking, when we finished eating, I was far too dangerously close to being too drunk to ask her to go for a further drink; possibly the only time in my life that I’ve been more scared to ask someone to go for a drink because I might want to, rather than that they might not. So, thinking it was much later than it was, rather pleased that I had just had an evening which had not quite lived up to the terrifying horror I had predicted.!!Would you introduce him to your friends?!Yeah, she’d probably like them more than she liked me.!!Could she meet your parents?!My parents would be immensely relieved if I brought home any date, so that’s not much of a question.!!If you could change one thing about the evening, what would it be?!I probably wouldn’t have pre-drinked so much.!!Will you meet again?!We’re friends on Facebook, so we’ll probably acknowledge one another in Sainsbury’s occasionally.

Page �7TRAVISTYV

DAME GEORGINA SUMMER and her salient* life advice

Dear GS,!Last night I slept with an attractive older man. He was tall, dark and handsome - it was a night of frantic passion. Imagine my horror when I walked into my 9am today and found out that he's my new supervisor! What should I do?!Worried MML student!!Dear linguist,!You say he's hot. You imply that you had a great night. Well then, the answer's staring you in the face: seduce him. A supervision is the perfect setting for an affair. Dress like it's 9pm. Drop anything you can find and pick it up as slowly as your core will allow. Speak French, even if that's not t h e s u b j e c t y o u d o . Yo u r persistence will pay off, if only in better grades.!GS!!Dear GS,!I checked my bank account yesterday - I have £3.40 for the remainder of the term. Have you got any tips for surviving in cambridge on such a low budget?!!Dear pauper,!Scrounging is easy in Cambridge, particularly Trinity. Two ways to make money: (1) Charge the great c o u r t t o u r i s t s f o r p h o t o opportunities and short tours (2) Tell trinity you're engaging in a cultural voyage of self-discovery, and they'll pay you (they don't need to know that your destination is Cindie's). Alternatively, just sneak into Life, everyone else does.!GS!!Dear GS,!I think I’m having a problem with drink. I can't speak to women without 2 and a half pints, I look

forward to going out for jäger bombs, Cindies is no longer fun sober... What should I do?!!Dear drinker,!Yes, you definitely have a problem, but that's nothing to get concerned about. It's always been my belief that being scared of your alcohol consumption level is like hitting the wall in a marathon - if you push yourself a tiny bit you won't regret it. So don't drink less, drink more. Livers are like muscles, they need constant exercise and they ache occasional ly. And i f anyone questions you on it... launch into an intellectual rant about the drinking culture at Oxbridge.!GS!!Dear GS,!I'm just starting my second term of cambridge, and I've realised I hate pretty much all of my friends. They all have personality disorders and only talk about maths - I mean, they play complex number drinking games!!Help,!Disillusioned arts student!!Dear victim of fresher friends,!We've all been where you are. The awkward smiles across great hall, t h e c a l c u l a t e d e v a s i v e manoeuvres in the library... I know what you're going through. You've just got to tell them in terms they'll understand that you're subtracting yourself from their friendship group, in order to differentiate yourself from them and integrate s o c i a l l y. Yo u ' r e n o l o n g e r associative with them, you've gained an identity and you're telling them so they can have closure.!GS!!*actually very un-salient. Follow at own peril.

Page �8 TRAVISTYV

Going

UP

Rescheduled Burrels ent

Varsity hype

Lacrosse, hockey and let’s not forget Trinity’s

game against our sister college Christchurch.

Bills This is just permanently up, that makes us love

it all the more

Nosy bedder and marmite - you either love it or you hate it. Whatever your view, we (Travisty) love YOU and want our readers to be the happiest in the world. If you’d like to opt-out of nosy bedder (i.e. not be included in next issue’s column) just email your name to travistytrinity@gmail.com.

Tinder is marketed as a dating app, but it offers an easy in-out-sorry strategy for those looking.!

Given wasted time, effort and fuel costs, maybe the emphasis should be on the ‘sorry’ for the disappointing

experience one fresher had to endure…. But, there are always silver linings. It’s lucky this fresher is a fan of

dogs…!

One pour soul has been hit hard this week, with not one but two unfortunate events involving the ladies. We’ve all had one too many regrets arising from beer goggles but we usually err on the side of politeness and accept the error of our ways. Yet for some chivalry is dead. Rather than following through, a somewhat disappointed girl found herself on the lonely walk back from Trinity and I don’t mean the morning after. Let’s just say don’t turn on the lights. But, don’t worry - our man of the moment got more than he bargained for eventually…though I’m not sure one can count it as compensation. Some girls are happy to leave their number, others something more lasting…something that marks their territory. I doubt our man was best pleased in the morning to see he had been claimed in this way. !

Guys have bromance, girls have a sisterhood, but when exactly does hoes before bros go too far? It seems that at times there are no bounds. One lucky lady was met with shock and surprise upon returning from a night out. Despite hoping for a tall, dark-haired and pale suitor, she found a not-so-single girl curled up in bed, strangely suited up for her birthday. The story goes that they snuggled and had a peaceful night, but how do we know that neither of them flipped to the other side? Going

DOWN

THE NOSY BEDDER

!TRINITARIANS, I FEEL YOU HAVE BECOME MORE STEALTHY IN YOUR STRATEGIES TO KEEP YOUR DIRTY LAUNDRY HIDDEN FROM COLLEGE, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, MY WATCHFUL EYE. YET, SOME OF YOU HAVE FAILED TO RAISE YOUR GAME WHICH IS OF COURSE TO MY DELIGHT.

Everyone’s bank

balance by £310

Page �9TRAVISTYV

A naked Churchilian

running around Wolfson.

Lecture attendance

T H E W E E K L Y RANT CAITLIN DE JODE IS UNHAPPY ABOUT RICE DINNER... Three weeks on from the Rice Dinner and I’m still having dreams about artichoke and truffle soup and braised beef cheek… Lucky enough to wangle an invite as a measly fresher, I was pretty bloody impressed by the food (AND WINE! NO CASA ROCA FOR US!) that was served at this legendary feast. After two terms of polenta, duck leg and curry Mondays (admittedly the only three dishes I don’t actually like on the menu, but the point stands), I was stunned by the culinary magic of the Trin kitchens. !

Either everyone’s favourite vermin Rataouille showed up last Wednesday to wow us all with his skills, or normal undergrad grub isn’t considered worth quite the same amount of effort as this major yearly feast. Which, I guess is fair enough, considering how many times I’ve sat down for lunch on a Monday or a Thursday, still pretty much drunk, with a tray entirely covered in bread rolls and plates of chips. !

So I suppose it does makes sense not to spend all the time, effort and money that goes into the Rice dinner extravaganza on every day food, and we are actually very lucky, when you consider the wide range and good quality of mains that we get to choose from at lunch and dinner every day.!

It’s just that… well. I went to formal the day after Rice

Dinner. And what was on the menu but eve ryone ’s f ave s ta r te r, smoked salmon. Now. I love smoked salmon as much as the next person. Give it to

me with a wee bit of c ream cheese on

some lovely wheaten (that’s brown Irish soda

bread for all you English twats folk), and I’ll happily munch away. But I haven’t

been to that many formal halls in my admittedly short time at Trin, and smoked salmon with those rings of red onion we all know and love has been on the menu for more than half of my trips, as well as for Matric dinner. Obviously, as a growing gal with a night in Life and a hard week of procrastination in the library ahead of me, I polished it off. But I think I speak for a significant proportion of the undergrad population when I say that we would love to see a bit more range in the food at formal – after all, it is supposed to be a special occasion, and people often bring guests: family, friends from home or people from other colleges, and it would be great to have formal food that reflects how amazing a place Trinity is to live, work and eat in every day. !

Or maybe I’m just ranting because I’m bitter, wallowing miserably in the fact that I won’t get to go to Rice Dinner EVER AGAIN.!

Unless I become a fellow. Lol. !

Page �10 TRAVISTYV

This isn’t representative of Travisty’s view, but is it

yours?!Contribute to Travisty by e-

mailing travistytrinity@gmail.com

Are you stuck in a dead-end life? Are you convinced that if you jus t s topped be ing so scared, you could live the life you dream about? Do you sometimes get so d i s t r a c t e d b y y o u r dreams that you forget to m a i n t a i n b a s i c homeostasis? Well, stop it (not the homeostasis though, obv).!!We often talk about the ‘real’ wor ld, what is going to happen in ‘real’ life once we graduate. The fleeting years here are some hazy dream-world; this is a waiting period before we wake up and get going on getting a job, a life, a cat. I mean, this is fun and all, but it isn’t real life, is it? Nothing has really…happened. No wonder we turn to dreams of exciting travel and parties and love and saving the world; this here is all a bit underwhelming.!!

Well, I got some news for you, Trinitarian. This is real life. Yes, every time you forget to do your laundry or you eat s o m e t h i n g y o u ’ v e

dropped on the floor or you somehow bite the

inside of your mouth, you are out there, doing some real-life

living. Turns out ‘life’ is just really boring. Books and films make life seem so exciting, but they never manage to show their characters unloading a dishwasher. There’s no a w e s o m e m o n t a g e sequence in real life; you just have to do stuff over

and over again, and that you cannot escape. You still

have to brush your teeth if you save the world whilst partying

with the love of your life in Brazil (dentures are also an option).!!So yeah, living isn’t all thrill; the life we live is one that we build slowly, day by day, in every tiny act of drudgery we perform. But maybe it’s this endless sea of grey that makes the rare colour shine all the brighter.

Page �11

Watch out for the next Magpie &

Stump event on the 8th of March.

V

M A G P I E A N D S T U M P ’ S

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY IT DOES NOT DO TO DWELL ON DREAMS AND

FORGET TO LIVE ALBUS DUMBLEDORE

TRAVISTY

WRITE FOR TRAVISTY EMAIL: TRAVISTYTRINITY@GMAIL.COM !We’d love to hear your ideas or print your articles.

T R I N I T Y G O E S T O

CHRIST CHURCHOXFORD NIGHTLIFE

WHILST NEITHER IS KNOWN FOR ITS BUZZING NIGHTLIFE, IT IS OFTEN RUMOURED THAT OXFORD HAS THE UPPER HAND ON THE CLUBBING SCENE. !Sadly though, any expectations of high quality establishments were soon diminished upon walking into the first club, Purple Turtle. The only words that sprung to mind for most of us on entering the supposed ‘indie’ club of Oxford were ‘dungeon’ and ‘prison’. Not exactly a step up from Fez. !For those who weren’t braving the bus back to Cambridge, our second clubbing experience of

the night was Camera. One of the most infamous clubs in Oxford, this club has similar vibe to Life or Cindies. On the plus side it provides more personal space than having your face crushed in someone’s armpit, however, don’t expect to hear anything that’s not in the top forty. It’s safe to say that in both Oxford and Cambridge it is difficult to escape cheesy music and sweaty dance floors on a night out. Oxford only has the upper hand in that it provides a greater range of sweaty dance floors to choose from. Having said this, with the majority of my clubbing experiences having been in both of these cities, I can vouch that a good time can always be had... provided there is enough alcohol involved.!- Catriona Chaplin

FORMAL REVIEW THE LONG DAY OF MATCHES WAS OVER AND WE WERE ON OUR WAY TO CHRISTCHURCH FORMAL. WE KNEW WE WERE GOING TO THE SITE WHERE PARTS OF HARRY POTTER HAD BEEN FILMED.. “Just wait ‘til you see the stairs” somebody said. We were excited, but playing it cool. We’d just beaten Christchurch. Nothing was going to faze us... !!…Until we stepped inside the hallway and saw the stairs. I mean THE stairs. The stairs where Professor McGonagall addresses the first years before they are sorted. The stairs where Hermione sits and cries after the Yule Ball. We’d only just trained ourselves to refer to gowns not robes and to stop thinking of Hall at Trinity as the Great Hall, and here we were in actual Hogwarts.!!It was too much. We couldn’t contain our inner Harry Potter geeks any longer. Out came the cameras, as we re-enacted scenes from the film. Our very own Caitlin ‘Watson’ de Jode did a

spectacular sobbing Hermione, while Rose was a superb Neville.!!We’d made it to Hogwarts – only about eight years too late.!!But entering Christchurch’s Hall, our dreams of enchanted ceilings and floating candles were dashed. We were brought back down to reality, and most importantly, our growling stomachs. The scene was set by glowing candlelight and a looming portrait of Henry VIII, a familiar sight to us Trinitarians. With Trinity and Christchurch seated at separate tables, there was a subtle undertone of Gryffindor vs. Slytherin rivalry as formal commenced.!!Supper was comprised of a starter of salmon fishcakes, a welcome relief to Trinity’s smoked salmon special. Although the main of duck leg (there was no overcooked steak to be seen) followed by rocky road for desert was pleasant, the absence of house elves and butter beers left a bitter aftertaste. Re-fuelled, the Trinity rabble set out in search of the JCR and that elusive fire-whiskey…!- Amy George and Jessie Barnett-Cox

VS.

INTERVIEW WITH THE FIELD CLUB CAPTAIN

HAVING ALL ENJOYED OUR CHRISTCHURCH SPORTS DAY, AND WINNING BASICALLY EVERYTHING WE THOUGHT WE’D INTERVIEW THE MAN-BEHIND-THE-SCENES. You’ve seen him in the Top Twenty, you’ve seen him in the christchurch-trinity rugby game, you may even have spotted him in mixed lacrosse - so we thought we’d take the time to actually meet him. Henry Ashcroft... !!As field club captain, is it true that you can walk on all the fields? All of them. Its great. Unless its raining. In which case Darren says no.!!It's the first time that Trinity Rugby have beaten ChristChurch, do you think you'll be able to retain the title next year given the departure of third year stars like yourself, man-mountain Theo Coll ier, and our infamous and illustrious rugby captain Wilf Bagnall?Absolutely they’ll do it. It will be tricky though - how do you solve a problem like Collier? Man-mountain he might be, but did you see him sh i f t ing down the w ing on Saturday? Unbelievable scenes. Even if he looks like a baby when the beard is gone. And there are big shoes to fill for next year’s captain following the Wilf. The team will be left in safe hands though. !!

Nightlife wise, is purple turtle really the best that The Other Place have to offer?Thankfully no. Grim isn’t it - but also oddly brilliant. I grew up in Oxford so walking into purple turtle to the soundtrack of ACDC’s hells bells was a serious throwback.!!Sticking with the nightlife theme, Life or Cindies?Cindies. Always Cindies. There’s just something about Life.!!Also, I still have a dozen college lacrosse sticks, what shall I do with them? We are looking for a captain for the budding college mixed lacrosse team, what do you reckon?!!Failing mixed lacrosse, any field club activities planned for the end of term? Yep, we have a 5-a-side football tournament planned for Saturday, 11 30-1 30pm at Old Fields (or hopefully the Backs – watch this space). All the big teams will be there; Bayer Neverlusen, Yolo Toure’s All Star V, abcde FC, Fiorentina Turner, and How I Met your Mata (all credit to Karim Ahmed for those). So drop me or Marjan an email to sign up or turn up on Saturday. See you then! Afterwards you can watch the annual Rugby boys vs Netball girls netball match… no promises on the level of the rugby team’s skill, but the kit will be very bright and very tight.!!- Cailtin de Jode and Talia Zybutz

The oxbridge/who is better/blah blah debate seems to just go on - so we thought we’d publish some statistics:

SPORT ! ! ! TRINITY ! ! CHRIST CHURCH ! ! WINNER Men’s football 5 2 TRINITY Women’s football 1 1 DRAW Netball 12 7 TRINITY Mixed lacrosse 0 2 CHRISTCHURCH Rugby 31 7 TRINITY Tug-of-War some tugs some more tugs TRINITY

When asked to interview Trinity’s most eligible bachelorettes I was not struck by an immediate (yet, misplaced?) sense of narcissism to interview myself, unlike my Travisty counterpart Jonny Dillon in the last issue (that’s not to say the thought didn’t cross my mind, of course). !!I was, however, conscious of the fact that the ladies of Trinity are greatly outnumbered by their male equivalent, but what the female population may lack in quantity is more than compensated for in their quality – one only needs to enter the lower library as evidence. !!It is with this is mind that I let you meet four of Trinity’s most eligible bachelorettes and let you decide for yourselves the lady most deserving of the title of Trinity’s most sought-after.!!More than likely to be heard before seen, this small (but perfectly formed) Australian is known to be a fan of the older men, but don’t let this put you off when meeting Lucy Harris.!!Me: You've had a crush on a certain, much older, supervisor for what seems like a lifetime, but as yet your seductive glances across the table have gone unnoticed, what's the next move?!!Lucy: Unrequited love sucks. But I’m not one to give up. I’ve really been struggling with work lately, so I think I’m going to have to ask for some remedial one-on-one supervisions. !!Me: What three characteristics would you ideal man have?!!Lucy: (1) He will watch the bachelor with me every week without making stupid snarky comments, (2) He’ll look as great as George Clooney in 30 years (He could just be George Clooney, I don’t mind). (3) Absolutely no beard!!!

Renowned for her Beyoncé-esque behind (it has also been described, I kid you not, as a ‘table’) you’ll find Sarah Lusack owning the dance-floor at Wednesday Cindies on a regular basis. She’s a serious catch despite having been pretty unlucky in love (drug-dealer, ex sex-industry worker, need I say more) go get her boys. !!Me: Describe your worst dating experience:!!Sarah. I recently discovered the joys of Tinder dating (apparently Tinder isn’t just to swipe left and charm the ladies with sweet nothings like ‘if I were a watermelon, would you spit or swallow my seeds?’). Things looked promising…chatting turned into a friend request on Facebook and culminated in the Big Date at which point things nosedived. After waiting for an hour in the queue to see Little Comets, by myself, surrounded by try-hard 17 year olds, Fred turned up. Why was he late? This pretentious indie kid ‘doesn’t do queuing’ and for the hour I waited he decided to go to Subway and meet his friend. Even the promise of his employee discount at McDonalds wasn’t enough for me to stick around so, at the end of this 4 hour ordeal (in which we barely spoke and god forbid danced) we parted ways. I guess things can only get better…! ! !!Me: I'm aware you have a wall of "hotness" in your room but you have one hour of one night and one choice, who?!!Sarah: I would have to choose the wonderful Mr. Justin Timberlake. I’d be his señorita any day. If you’ve seen the photo, you’d know - those eyes. As I sit at my desk, pouring over the pages of the Communist Manifesto, I know I can look into those piercing eyes that will make everything okay. And who can say no to his falsetto sweet nothings? He just wants to rock your body - need I say more?

TRAVISTY MEETS: TRINITY’S MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELORETTES

BY BECCA COYLE

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!Caitlin de Jode has been known to impress with her net-ball skills ever since joining Trinity. Caitlin’s only love at the moment are the Jaeger bombs at Sunday Life, but could she ever love you as much as she loves the Jaeger? Probably not. But you never know, it’s definitely worth a try… !!Me: You're at life on Sunday night and, (with beer goggles firmly attached), you set your eyes on your ideal man. What's your next move?!!!!!

Caitlin: I'd whip my hair back and forth, probably buy him a jaeger bomb or seven, and then try to wow him with my sultry Celtic lilt by shouting in his ear over the romantic sounds of talk dirty to me...!!Me: You wake up to find that, much to your dismay, the beer goggles truly were on and your ideal man is but a distant memory, who would be the worst-case scenario? !!Caitlin: I have pretty low standards, so there's not that I couldn't deal with, although waking up in the morning and seeing a very hairy back would even put me off brunch.!!!This multi-talented Mexican Señorita is not only a blues swimmer but wowed Trinity with

her duet performance at last term’s open mic night. When not in the pool you are

likely to find Alex Wiseman VK-in-hand gracing Cindies with her

presence.!!Me: You're on a first date with a guy - what would be a definite deal-breaker for you?!!

Alex: Hmm if he were to (hypothetically of course)

strip down to speedos and there was a lack of a swimmer's body (i.e. six pack) - definite deal breaker. My standards

are high now I'm constantly in the presence of

half naked swimmers.!!Me: Worst chat up line you've

heard?!!Alex: Funny you ask this, we had chats

about this at training the other day. "Are you a racing suit, because you take my breath away" was pretty dire, but at least it was a slight improvement on "You flipturn me on". !!So there you have it, I’ve done my job in providing you with four of the most eligible bachelorettes, whoever your favourite I’m sure you’ll not disagree with the high standard of Trinity Talent on display.

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A guide to getting yourself banned from the library. But, with all this on offer, perhaps it might not be the procrastination-free zone you thought it was anyway…

Your go-to guide

Guaranteed to spice up any visit to the far reaches of the Lower Library

The abridged, more colourful screen-adaptation of E.L. James’ well-loved classic

The physics department takes a typically practical approach

As good as it gets for the mathematicians among us

40% have tried it – a statistic supported by the well-thumbed pages of this tome

What, after all, would Cambridge be without its traditions?

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SEXY TEXTS TRAVISTY SEARCHES THE L I B R A RY F O R Y O U R P R O C R A S T I N AT O R Y ENJOYMENT

We’ve all heard of sexting, but who knew that such sexy texts

existed in our very own Trin library. No need for buzzfeed or

iwastesomuchtime.com, it seems there’s enough on the

bookshelves for hours of procrastination enjoyment.!