issue 21 - august 2012
TRANSCRIPT
7/31/2019 Issue 21 - August 2012
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/issue-21-august-2012 1/3
Today, I kindly offer up a guide
for slaves as to how they
should treat their
masters/mistresses, whether
they be feline, canine, lapine
or even bovine! Everybody
knows the basics of being a
slave: offer food, give
attention, ensure the
environment is suitably safe
and hygienic e.t.c., but I
understand that slaves have
lives almost as busy as ours,
and seldom have time to get
everything done, so below is
the list I compiled of some of
the things that a pet MUST
have access to, in no particular
order:1) First and foremost is
Fud-Fud, and not just any Fud-
Fud, it must be delicious,
balanced, and frequent. I
myself adore ham (mmmmm
ham!) and IAMS crunchy
biscuits, and I thankfully am
able to enjoy both of these
things on a daily basis, as well
as wet food from thosemagical pouches of kitty
wonder. Each animal has their
preferences, but through
observing your pet’s reactions
to new Fud-Fudstuffs, you
should be able to quickly
figure out what pleases them
best, and are therefore then
obliged to supply it.
2)
Secondly arebeverages. Some cats I know
will humiliate themselves by
doing tricks to get milk, others
simply expect it, but either
way, many cats would prefer
the option of this dairy
product to drink (although I
myself have never tried it,
because my slaves think I’m
too big and fat). All animals
must also have plenty of water
in their vicinity to prevent
dehydration. Many animals
would rather have cold water
in this hot weather, so serve it
chilled. We don’t tend to mind
where the water is from, but I
would prefer my water from
the springs of the Himalayas,
rather from the tap.
3) Attention, attention,
attention. We can’t get
enough attention, and will
always be up for a snuggle and
a game of fetch (even some
cats like me enjoy fetch),although slaves must also
know when to leave us alone.
4) Sometimes we just
want a nap, so make sure we
have a comfy place to sleep.
Depending on our species,
hay, straw, a pillow, a bed, or
something else may be
required to satisfy this need.
5) Luxury. You humanshave flat-screen TVs, fine
cuisine, expensive clothing
and more, and as our inferiors,
you must ensure that we too
have equally, or perhaps more
exquisite treats. Again,
observe what your
master/mistress likes! They
will probably want toys, treats
and facilities. This coversbones for dogs, catnip for cats
(oh man I love the catnip!) and
a flushing toilet, like Mr. Jinx.
(Meet the Fockers )
6) Medicine and
preventatives could not be
more important here: nobody
likes fleas of worms, aches or
pains, so please find a vet
where inexpensive flea and
worm preventatives can be
bought, but NEVER actually
take us in there (it gives us the
creeps.)
7) Finally, give us a
tagged and labelled collar
(providing we are the sort of
animal that roams around), sothat if we lose our way, we
can be returned home to
safety. Some humans even
microchip us to be extra sure
that we never have to live
without them. However, my
mistress gave me a collar with
a bell on it, so that she can
hear where I am, although this
has the downside that when itcomes to hunting, I always
scare away the prey before I
have even pounced on them.
Thanks, slaves.
So, now that you have read
my almost comprehensive list
of what we need, I can only
hope that you will take my
advice on board, and wish you
all a happy summer!
By Womble, Translated by his Prized Slave, Ellie
7/31/2019 Issue 21 - August 2012
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/issue-21-august-2012 2/3
Your roving reporter....’The
Velvet Paw’ Reports for this
Month’s Magazine.....
’The Velvet Paw’ Investigates
yet another worrying turn of
events. Cat rights are being
infringed once again. It would
appear that the Slaves are
very concerned about rescuing
us from trees! We know that
we do not need rescuing. Why
do they bother?
Before I delve further into this
worrying trend, I would just
like to show you a couple of
pictures showing how
delightful being in a tree is.
Do either of these cats look
worried????
As in this picture you can see
that the cat is very happy
sunning herself on a branch,
and hopefully able to catch a
little bird snack to add
enjoyment to what looks like a
beautiful afternoon.
On the other hand this cat has
given up all pretence of
catching a snack and has fallen
asleep. Looks like she is very
comfortable though.
Apparently, in London, ‘Fire
Crews’ – I believe this to be
those people who sit in red
things which rush around
making ‘Neenaw’ sounds -
very unsavoury and
disquieting – have had a 60
purrcent rise in call outs for
cats up trees! An average of
one call every 14 hours. What
is going on? Why can’t we go
up trees if we want to???? It
sounds as though the Slaves
do not want us to go up
trees??? Very purrculiar. They
also mention some group
called the RSPCA, I can only
assume that this is the
Rescuing Species Perhaps Cats
Always group as I cannot see
any other necessity for them,
as apparently this is what they
feel they must do. Apparently
they arrive with a ‘basket’ –
torture chamber – and a
ladder???? They then state
that you (the Slave) can also
try :
1. Fishy smelling cat food
at the bottom of the tree. –
Why when the cat is obviously
trying to catch birds would fish
help?
2. Stick a ladder against
the trunk of the tree so that
the cat can climb down it. –
Why?? We will come down in
what so ever way we wish.
3. Too high for a ladder –
watch YouTube ‘How to get a
cat out of a tree without
shotgun’ – well I have and I
certainly do not approve of
their methods.
4. Call a friendly tree
surgeon who will climb up the
tree and grab the cat by the
scruff of the neck and put it in
a bag on a rope to get it
down???? WHAT IS THIS –
SCRUFF OF THE NECK!!! I
would like to see them try it.
It is your right to go up a tree.
Up animal rights and Up trees!
7/31/2019 Issue 21 - August 2012
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/issue-21-august-2012 3/3
Email address – [email protected] Please Visit our Facebook page! RSPCA Cruelty Hotline -
Last week a strange cat was spotted on Stoff and Catkin’s spot on
the fence looking evil, revelling in stealing the resident cats’ spots – could this be Felimort? This cat has been seen on the premises
several times recently, and is suspected of being the culprit
behind an attack on Stoff and Catkin a few weeks ago – Stoff’s fur
was matted, his meow was hoarse, there were blood drops on the
cat flap and both cats were skittish. This cat has also been spotted
in the garden and in the yard over the past few weeks, a sure sign
that Felimort is planning another full scale attack, surveying the premises to get a full idea of entrances.
The cat is quite skinny, and tortoiseshell which reveals that this cat is a girl (as a general rule all
tortoiseshell cats are female, and all ginger cats are male). This fact then leads to the shocking conclusionthat – FELIMORT IS A GIRL! At the news that Stoff has been beaten up by a girl, he has retreated into a
corner and refuses to come out. As a result the final task to the Quad-Kitty Cup has been delayed as further
security measures have had to have been taken. A spokes-kitty for Stoff has warned all Stoffragettes to be
careful – Felimort is on the prowl and is looking to cause trouble, so lock your cat-flaps and close your
windows – Felimort is armed and dangerous.
By Prized Slave to Stoff
Velvet Paw Competition
Although we’ve has a few
entries, the personage of
The Velvet Paw has not
been correctly guessed
yet so the competition is
still running! If you think
you know who The Velvet
Paw is, please email
Prized Slave at