INTIMACY &COMMITMENT

The Canadian Family Dynamic

Instructor: Gail McCabe PhD RSSWThursday, June 5, 2008

Intimacy & Commitment

Intimacy: closely acquainted or associated; very familiar on a fundamental or essential level

Commitment: dedication to a long-term course of action; engagement; involvement

Establishing Intimacy

Homogamy (likeness or similarities of individuals) Endogamy (within groups) Exogamy (outside groups)

Establishing Intimacy Social or Structural Characteristics Social Status (123) Arranged Marriage vs. Free Choice Individualistic Explanations Sociocultural Explanations Sexualization and Sexual Scripts

Social Status

Class endogamy Occupational endogamy Educational endogamy Mesalliance: marriage with a person of a lower social

position Hypergamy: female marries into a higher social class Hypogamy: female marries into a lower social class

The “Marriage Squeeze”

Imbalance in the sex ratio (# of males and females available for marriage) if there is a shortage

1950s; men faced a shortage of women

1980s-90s, shortage of men and is predicted that there will be a shortage of women

Race and Ethnicity

Inter-racial marriage restricted in US until 1967

Women tend to marry within their group

Immigrants from China, India and Japan have higher tendency to marry people from native country than those from Greece, Italy, Africa or France

Arranged Marriage vs. Free Choice

Arranged marriages preserve family property, furthers political linkages, protects economic and status concerns, continuity and stability

Based on dowry or size of bride’s price, reputation of potential spouse’s kin group

Social Construction of Love

At first sight? Fell in it? Made it? Have it? Would like to find it?

What is it? Dictionary: “intense affection for another based on shared experiences or interests, and an intense attraction to another person based largely on sexual desire”

Individualistic Explanations of Partnering

1. Instinctive and Biological Theory

2. Parental Image Theory-Freud

3. Complimentary Needs Theory- Winch

1. Instinct and Biological Theory

What guides people to each other is instinct

Based on genetic similarities

Parental Image Theory-Freud

Tend to fall in love with a person similar to opposite sex parent (so unconscious?)

Oedipus Complex: mother is object of love

Electra Complex See p. 133

Complimentary Needs TheoryRobert Winch

Mate selection complimentary rather than homogamous

Psychological needs and individual motivation

Sociocultural Explanations of Partnering Influenced by age, race, religion, class,

proximity Value Theory Role Theory Exchange Theory Sequential Theories

Value Theory

Sharing similar values: what is good, worthwhile, moral When people share similar values, they validate each

other promoting emotional satisfaction and enhances the means of communication

If couples do not hold the same values or are attacked, resentment may result

P. 135

Role Theory

Expectations of their own behaviour and that of their mates

Would you marry someone who you expect to do _________ rather than someone who does not?

Exchange Theory Bargaining and transactions in mate selection Behaviour is purposive and goal oriented Goal is to get something positive out of it Presented with alternative to current relationship that is

perceived as superior/better may see termination of current relationship in pursuit of the better one

Sequential Theories Murstein’s Stimulus-Value-Role

1. Stimulus drawn to another (attractiveness, intellect, voice), if mutual

2. Value comparison value compatibility thru verbal interaction ( i.e attitudes towards life) if couple believes they share values, they will be attracted to each other (an attractive choice)

3. Role stage must share role definitions as well as values (lover, parent)

Sequential Theories Bert Adams

Mate selection priorities:1. Conditions or barriers, proximity2. Early attractions: physical qualities, similar interest3. Deeper attractions: personality similarity4. Defining the other as “the one” or the “best I can get”

Dating Dating came about because marriage became based

on love and sexual attraction Dating is opportunity to know what is expected of self

and others Computer match-ups, videotape selections, singles

clubs and groups, newspaper ads, singles bars

Dating cont.

Dating came about because marriage became based on love and sexual attraction

Dating is opportunity to know what is expected of self and others

Computer match-ups, videotape selections, singles clubs and groups, newspaper ads, singles bars

Engagement Exists in some form in all societies Marriage is seldom taken lightly, societies

provide social structure or instill awareness in the couple and community that the relationship is to be taken seriously

Sexuality and Intimacy Sexual expression is regulated and controlled through

social norms, roles Expectations differ for males and females, in public and

private places, for married and singles etc Laws punish the prostitute, distributor of child

pornography or the rapist All societies control sexuality

Sexualization and Sexual Scripts Sexualization – sexual socialization

• process by which people learn and internalize their sexual self-concepts, values, attitudes, behaviors

• Symbolic interaction theory claims that people become sexual beings trough social interaction

Sexual Scripts/Cultural Scripts• Blueprint of what sexuality is and how it is practiced:

who, what when, where, why of sexuality• Scripts are the plans that we have in our heads• An script is a cognitive scheme that affects his or hers

actual conduct

According to Simon and Gagnon sexual scripting occurs on three levels:

Cultural scenarios Interpersonal scripts Intrapsychic Sexual life cycles tend to be subsumed

under headings of premarital, marital, extra-marital and post marital experiences

Statistics 1970: 57% of Canadians surveyed thought pre-marital sex was

wrong 1991: 22% felt this way 1980s: AIDs and awareness raising appears; High risk behaviors Sexual permissiveness, incidence and prevalence Sexual revolution was real but restricted to premarital and

heterosexual behavior

Establishing Commitment Marriage as a social institution Canadian Marriage and Cohabitation Trends

• Non-marital cohabitation• Cohabitation and marital stability• Variations in marriage rates

Power in Conjugal Relationships• Characteristics of conjugal power• Conjugal power and decision making in intimate relationships• Theory of resources• Egalitarian ethic

Marital Quality• Dimensions of marital or relationship quality• Marital conflict• Marital quality between generations• Marital quality over the lifecourse

Marital Status and Well Being

Married men and women are: • happier and less stressed • less emotional and health problems than

unmarried men and women• more likely to abstain from smoking, drink

moderately, avoid risk-taking behaviour• live longer

Marital Status and Well Being Married women have more economic

resources “safety net” Men receive more emotional support in

marriage

Canadian Marriage & Cohabitation Trends

Fewer the # of women to men, higher the # who marry and at a younger age

Marriage rates dropped during the Great Depression, rose during and after the WWII and declined again over the last two decades

Factors Contributing to Decline and Delays in Marriage

Increase in nonmarital sexual activity Increase in the independence of young people A reduction in fertility Temporary shortage of males Increase in divorce Increase in nonmarital cohabitation

Cohabitation More common in Quebec Among older couples with children (unlike rest of

Canada) See p. 158 figure 6.1 Couples who cohabited before marriage reported lower

quality marriages, lower commitment to the institution of marriage

More individualistic views of marriage and greater likelihood of divorce

Egalitarian Ethic Husbands who were more progressive (less traditional)

were found to show increases in marital quality

Wives who held non traditional gender role attitudes reported increases in negative aspects of the marriage (less happiness, more disagreements )

Marital Quality Social attachment is more important and a better predictor of

well-being than legal status of being married Catherine Ross- 4 levels of marital status: no partner, partner

outside of the household, living with a partner and married partner

Marital quality is essentially a relative agreement by partners on what issues are important, sharing similar tasks and activities and demonstration of affection

Newlyweds study: happiness, equity, competence and control Conflict is natural and inevitable therefore the quality of

marriage is not based on whether the conflict exists, but on how the conflict is measured

Evaluating Marital Quality Begins in the 1920s Dyadic Adjustment Scale by Graham Spanier (32 items) Satisfaction: Do you confide in your mate? Are you happy? Cohesion: Exchange ideas and do things together? Consensus: Agreement on finances, religion, friends, household

tasks Showing love and affection Susan Hendriks developed a seven-item relationship assessment

scale

Marital Alternatives Jessie Bernard: Marriage can be successful to the

extent that it provides the highest satisfaction possible, not imaginable

Costs and rewards How much better or worse they would be without their

present spouse and how easily that spouse could be replaced

7% of intact marriages are stable but unhappy

Marital Quality Over the Life Course U shaped pattern Marital satisfaction high at beginning Declines when children born Marital satisfaction increases when children

leave home and remains high through retirement

What Keeps Long Term Marriages Going?

Survey of 100 couples married 45+years• Mate is best friend• Like mate as a person• See marriage as a long term (sacred) commitment• Agree on aims and goals• Laugh together frequently

Survey Findings (1992) 94% faithfulness is most important factor for a

successful marriage 63% happy sexual relationship 53% sharing chores 46% living away from in-lawsMarital quality, regardless of how it’s measured, is

remarkably stable phenomenon, unaffected by gender or marital duration