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SantaRosa,CAJanuary2011

Abstract

IntegralRelationships:AManualforMen

ResearchFocus:

Whyarethereanincreasingnumberofsinglesandunhappycouplesinoursociety(closeto50%oftheadultUSpopulationnowlivesalone,only15%ofcouplesexperience

maritalsatisfactionoveranextendedperiodoftime,and50%ofmarriagesendin

divorce)?

Whydomanysinglewomenexperiencethattherearenogoodavailablemenoutthere? Whydomanymensuffermoreafteraseparation/divorceandduringsinglehoodthan

womendo(thesuiciderateofdivorcedfathersistentimeshigherthanthatofdivorced

mothers),but

frequently

care

less

about

what

makes

love

relationships

work?

Whydohumanscontinuetofighteachotheranddestroytheirecosystem? Whatcanmendotoaddresstheseproblemseffectively?

ResearchMethods:

DuringhundredsofdatesIaskedandlistenedtowomenabouttheirrelationshiphistory,what

attractedthemtotheirpreviouspartners,whyandhowtheirrelationshipsended,whatthey

hadlearnedfromtheirpreviousrelationshipsandwantedtododifferentnow,whattheir

dreamsforthefutureandanewpartnerwhere,andwhyitseemedsodifficultforthemtofind

anewsuitablepartner.

SubsequentlyIfoundedsingles2couples.org,anAssociationforHealthyRelationshipsto

exploreapproachestoconsciousrelationshipwithothersinglesandcouplesinweeklygroup

meetings,oftenwithvisitingrelationshipexpertsandteachers.

Ialsostudiedalargevarietyofrelationshipbooks,fromprofanetoacademic(myresearch

librarygrewtoover200books),andattendedIntegral,spiritual,andrelationshiporiented

workshops,seminars,conferences,andgroups.

Results/findings:

Despitethefactthattherearethousandsofrelationshipbooks(ofwhich90%arereadby

women)whoofferamultitudeofapproachestohealthypartnerships,manyemotionallyand

financiallyindependentmodernandpostmodernwomenhavegottentiredoftakingthelions

shareoftheresponsibilityformakingtheirpartnershipswithmenwork.Suchwomennolonger

wanttofeelmiserable,theyblamemenfortheirrelationshipproblems,leavethemin

frustration(twothirdsofdivorcesandevenmorebreakupsbetweennonmarriedcouplesare

initiatedbywomen),andprefertoremainsingleratherthanlivewithrelationshipmorons.

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AmodifiedversionofKenWilbersIntegralmodelallowssinglesandcouplestointegrationall

thedispersingperspectivesonloverelationshipsandprovidesthemwithananswertothe

questionsaboutthemanyrelationship,andsubsequentsocioeconomicandenvironmental

problemsthatwefacetoday.

Theprimaryreasonfortheseproblemsliesinthedifferingsexualfantasiesofmalesandfemales

asillustratedbelow:

Whilethemale/femalepopulationisratherbalancedinnumbers,anevergrowingnumberof

sexuallyattractive,wellestablishedandindependentwomentrytoattractaneversmaller

number

of

successful,

good

looking,

charming

and

available

men

with

social

status

and

financialwealth.

ThesecondaryreasonisalackofIntegralunderstandingbymenaboutthedifferencesin

humangrowthandpotentialsinmenandwomen.Integrallyinformedmencanmeetwomen

withevermorepresence,curiosity,understanding,empathy,kindness,integrity,strengthand

compassionattheirlevelofconsciousness,andsoreducetheirownandthesufferingofothers

bymakingmoreresponsiblerelationshipchoices.

IntegralRelationships:AManualforMen(andcuriousevolvingwomen)providesthefirst,andsofaronlyIntegralapproachtoloverelationships.

Themanualisbasedonfourgeneralpremises:

1. Weareonlyselfawarethroughourrelationships.2. Weareheretoprocreateortosupportprocreation.3. Themeaningoflifeistogrowinconsciousnesstowardsawakeningtoourauthentic

lifepurposeandfullcapacitytoloveunconditionally.

4. Lovemaybeunconditionalbutrelationshipsarenot.

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Setintothislargercontext,IntegralRelationshipsprovidesthereaderwiththefollowingIntegralmapoftherelationshipterritory:

1. Everybodyisrightfromtheirownview,andcertainviewsaremoreviable,accurateandinclusive(loving)thanothers.

2. Oursexualselectionprocess(menwantsexobjects,womenwantsuccessobjects)drovetheevolutionofhumanity,anddeeplyimpactsoursocialbehaviorandculturalnorms

tothis

day.

3. Tounderstandthesexes,weneedtodifferentiatebetweenourhardwiredbiologicaldifferences,learned/conditionedculturalandsocialgenderroles,andthe

feminine/masculinepolaritiesthatcanbeequallyembodiedbymenandwomen.

Feminine and Masculine polarities

4. Theprimaryemotionalreactioninrelationshipsisfearofabandonmentinwomenandshamefortheinabilitytomaketheirpartnerhappyinmen.

5. Humanshavemultiplecompetencies(skills,traits,intelligences,needs,passions,valuesetc.)calledlinesofdevelopment.

6. Compatibleinterests,passions,andneedsarecrucialforcouplestogetalong.7. Developmentinthemajorlinesoccursinsequential,hierarchicalandpredictablestages.8. Similarlevelsof(1)consciousness(fromarchaictomagic,egocentric,conformist,

rational,pluralistic,integral,andtranspersonal);spiritual(fromgrosstosubtle,causal,

witness,andnondual);(3)sexuality(fromrepressedsexuality,tofucking,havingsex,

lovemaking,andtranscendental/tantricsexuality);and(4)anima/animuscomplex(in

men:womenasmother,sexobject,wife,challenger,andequalpartner;inwomen:men

asalienoutsider,fatherfigure,hero/husband,independentbeing,equalpartner)are

crucialforrelationshipstothrive.Coupleswhoareatdifferentlevelsoftheirindividual

developmentintheselinesoftenexperienceirresolvablerelationshipconflicts.

9. Loverelationshipsevolvethroughseveralphases(states),fromlusttoattraction,romance,conflict,engagement,andcommitment/marriage.

10. Individualshavedifferentpersonalities,indicatedbytypologiessuchasthenineEnneagram,sixteenMeyersBriggs,threeNLP,andFiveLoveLanguages.An

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understandingoftheirdifferenttypescreatesmoretoleranceandempathybetween

couples.

11.Thedemandsofwomentogettheirprimaryfantasymetbymenincreaseaswomendevelopinconsciousness(fromprotector,plusprovider,plussupporteroftheir

fulfillment,plusalloweroftheirfreedom/independence),whileitstaysfairlyconsistent

formen(sexualattractivenessandsupportofhismission/purpose).

12.Thefivestagesofsexual,spiritual,andanima/animuscomplexcandevelopindependentlyateachleveloftheeightverticalstagesofconsciousnessdevelopment,

creatinganextendedWilber/Combslattice.

13.Feminineandmasculinepolaritiesareshiftingdifferentlyformenandwomenduringgrowthinconsciousness(withacompleterolereversalinthepluralisticstage),and

becomebothconsciouslyaccessiblebymalesandfemalesintheIntegralandhigher

stagesofdevelopment.

14.Thecapacitytobalanceandharmonizethefeminineandmasculinepolaritiesateachlevelofdevelopmentiscrucialforahealthypartnership.

15.Humansaresimultaneouslywhole/completeinthemselvesandpartoftheirculturalandsocialenvironments.

16.Humanshavefouressentialdimensions,(1)anindividualmind(interior),(2)anindividualbody(exterior),aswellasanextensionofthesetwodimensionsthroughtheir

(3)collectiveinterior(culture),and(4)collectiveexterior(socioeconomicenvironment).

Thesefourdimensionscanbegraphedasfourquadrants:

17.Thefourfeminineandmasculinepolaritiesneedtobeplacedseparatelyintothefourquadrantstobetterunderstandthedifferencesinourinteriorthoughts/feelingsand

outwardbehavior.

18.Fiveformsoftheunconscious(includingshadows)pointtothecauseofthemagical,irresistibleandmagneticonenessthatinfatuatedloversexperiencetowardseachother

throughtheirmutuallycompatiblepathologies.

19.Loverelationshipsareformedthrough(1)intimacyinthelowerleftwequadrant,thesexualpassionthroughthelowerrightitsquadrant,anddependencethroughan

unconsciousfit.Thesethreedimensionsformametaphoricaltrianglethatindicateseight

variationsofloveinkindanddegree(nonlove,friendship,infatuation,commitment,

romance,crazylove,companionatelove,andintegrallove).

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20.Malesandfemalesgrowdifferentlyinconsciousness(femalestendtotranscendandinclude,malestendtotranscendandexclude,andmalespioneeredhigherstagesof

consciousnessinresponsetothesexualrewardsfromfemales).

21.Thegreatchainofbeingneedstobeseenasaprocessthatcontinuesfromhealthyindividualstoresponsiblecoupleswhoprovidethefoundationforfunctionalfamilies,

thrivingcommunities,diversesocieties,peacefulnations,andasustainablefutureforall

humanity(whilerecognizingthatonlyindividualholonshaveadominantmonad).

22.Byaskingspecificquestions,mencanidentifytheneeds,passions,interests,levelsofdevelopment,state,type,andperspectiveofwomenthattheyrelateto,whichdefines

theirKosmicAddress.Thisallowsmentomeetwomenwithevermorepresence,

curiosity,kindness,strength,andintegrityattheirlevelofconsciousnessandtomake

responsiblerelationshipchoices.

23.Acompatibilitymatrixprovidespointerstothepotentialconflicts,challengesandthesustainabilityofrelationshipsbetweenmenandwomenatvariousstagesof

consciousnessdevelopment.

24.Relationshipbooks(ofwhich30arereviewedinAppendixIofthemanual)addressmenand/orwomenatdifferentlevelsofconsciousnessfromvariousperspectives.These

booksprovidehelpfulsupportforvariousrelationshipchallengesiftheiradviceisseen

astruebutpartialandtakenintoalargerIntegralcontext.

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The complete Integral Relationship modelset into a larger spiritual contextwith Kosmic address, triangle of love

and compatibility matrix.

MainConclusion:

Thereisoverwhelmingevidencethatthesexualselectionprocessandthesubsequentco

creationofmalefemalepartnershipshavedefinedourevolutionarypastandwillshapeour

future.Onlyifmenlearnhowtomeetwomenattheirlevelofconsciousnesscantheysolvethe

relationshipproblemsofthe21stcenturyandalleviatetheirownsuffering.Andonlyifmore

humansenterintothetranspersonalandhigherstagesofconsciousnessdevelopmentin

whichmentranscend(notrepress)theirdesperationaroundsex,andwomentranscendtheir

desperationaroundaffirmation,andbothsexessubscribetoGenderMainstreamingwhichhonorsthedifferencesbetweenmenandwomenwhilegivingthemequalsocialandpolitical

rightsandresponsibilitiescanweeffectivelyaddresstheglobalchallengesthathumanityis

facingtoday.

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The12CoreValuesforIntegralRelationshipEvolutionariesbelowoutlinetherelationshippotentialsforintegrallyinformedmenandpostpostmodern(evolved)women. Theywereinspiredby

ElizabethDebolds10CoreValuesforEvolvingWomenwhichyoucanfindatwww.integralrelationship.com/ten_core_female_values.asp

1. Wechoosetolove(insteadofsomethingthathappenstous)andseethequalityofourrelationshipasanindicatorofourpsychologicalhealthandspiritualrealization.

2. WetranscendourprimaryfantasyandbaseourrelationshiponBeingvalues,versusmaterial,sexual,oremotionalneediness.

3. Weuseourrelationshipforongoingmutuallearning,healing,growthandawakeningtowardsthecapacitytoloveunconditionally.

4. Weholdanevolutionaryperspectiveandhavereachedorstrivetowardsanintegral,transpersonalorhigherlevelofconsciousness.

5. Wecontinuouslydevelop,balanceandharmonizeourhealthyfeminineandmasculinepolarities.

6. Wemeeteachotherasoppositesandequalstocreatesynergyatthelevelofallsevenchakras.

7. Weshareapurposeforourrelationshipthatislargerthaneitherindividualandofferedinservicetotheworldforthegreatestgoodofthelargestnumberofpeople.

8. WesubscribetoanIntegralLifePractice(ILP)withmodulesforthehealthofourbody,mind,spirit/soulaswellasourshadow,ethics,sexuality,work,emotions,and

relationships.

9.We

make

an

explicit

agreement

to

tell/listen

to

each

others

truths

without

the

need

for

validationoracceptancefromourpartner,andtoownouremotionalreactionstoour

partnersreality.

10.Wesetandrespecteachothershealthyboundaries.11.Wesharematerialresourcesandpursueanenvironmentallysustainableandsocially

responsiblelifestyle.

12.Weengageinsacred/tantricsexualityandpracticemonogamyoutofchoiceinsteadoffear.

Contact/feedback/questions/suggestions:

MartinUcik,SantaRosa,CA,martin@integralrelationship.com,

www.integralrelationship.com

skype:martinucik,

Tel:7075662106