inspire his love for you’s 7-part introductory course– part 4 _ inspire his love for you

7/28/2019 Inspire His Love for You’s 7-Part Introductory Course– Part 4 _ Inspire His Love for You

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Inspire His Love for You’s 7-Part Introductory Course– Part 4

June 25, 2012 by admin

Welcome back to Reasons Men Fall In and Out of Love… And What You Can Do About It. In this lesson, we are going to talk about 3 common fighting styles that

couples exhibit.

When you can fight in a productive way (or at least not sabotage the delicate trust in the relationship when you do) your connection will deepen.

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Reasons Men Fall In and Out of Love And What You Can Do About It Introductory Course- Part 2

Common Fighting Styles Between Couples and How to Stop Playing Producer to the Show

By Kristina Marchant

Let’s first start with an overview of Part 1 where we discussed the signs of a drifting man and what you shouldn’t do if he is drifting away. These signs included men who

were irritated all the time, emotionally distracted or physically distance. And we advised you not to handle his distancing by compensating for his lack of involvement,being bitchy with him or ignoring the problem.

Sometimes men distance themselves because they are acting out one of the common fighting styles seen between couples. He may either be participating in “the silent

storm” or he may be the ice cube in “the fizzy cola and the ice cube”. Let me explain:

The 3 common fighting styles are:

The silent storm.1.

The raging bulls.2.

The fizzy cola and the ice cube.3.

If your man is clamming up emotionally and distancing himself from you, he is probably upset with you more than he is just bored with the relationship. It is very common

for men to shutdown when they feel hurt in some way by the woman.

THE SILENT STORM

In the silent storm fighting style, both the woman and the man shut down when the are upset. They feel wounded by each other and unable to make themselves vulnerable

to the other person long enough to talk out a solution.

In the silent storm, little by little, both partners slowly begin the wall off the other person. There are no real arguments, no healing conversations to end resentments; both

parties just shutdown and wait until they are less upset, and then carry on with the re lationship as if nothing happened.

However, something did happen and the more you stuff down resentments without talking them through, the more impenetrable the emotional walls become. You soon

become two ghosts living together but not in love. This fighting style is the most hopeless of all three for the relationship.

How to stop this fighting dynamic:

If you and your man are both distancing from the connection, you can break the pattern by breaking down your walls first. You have to swallow your pride and fear of

being hurt further, and you have to tell him how you feel in a calm, nonjudgmental way.

If he’s drifting, chances are that you thought he was just losing interest in you, but probably, he was actually just hurt by you—maybe more than even HE knew. Doesn’t

mean you did some huge thing wrong. It’s just that in love, little errors add up. Men are sensitive to little riffs in relationships just like we are. Enough of those (your

insecurities, your lack of tool to handle his insecurities) could have been the very thing that sent him into a storm of silent bitterness. You have to make him feel safe to

open up by opening up first, and then not judging what he says—even if it’s hard to hear.

THE RAGING BULLS

In this fighting style, both partners are at each other’s throats. He isn’t distancing himself by clamming up, but he is unable to be intimate with you because both of you are



too hot with raging smoke.

This fighting style is all about blame, outbursts of anger, hurtful bickering and tempers flailing through the roof. At first this fighting is sexy, adding to the passion of the

relationship in some way. But over time it wears away at the trust and intimacy of the relationship like a cheese grater.

This style crushes a woman even more than a man. It makes a woman unable to feel soft, vulnerable and safe to open up in the way a woman needs to in order to inspire a

man. If you are always on edge with your man–both of your waiting to start butting heads– you aren’t going to have the energy of soft-surrender to bring him closer.

The good thing about raging bulls is that both partners are still in love. If you are participating in the argument, you are invested in the other person. It’s now that you have

to stop the f ighting, because otherwise you will end up in the next fighting style and then things are harder to fix.

How to stop this fighting dynamic:

If you and your man are pushing each other away with he-said-she-saids that are nasty, cruel, belittling and hurtful in a myriad of ways, you need to be the bigger person

and throw in the towel first. Stop yourself from spewing anger and tell him that you feel hurt. Follow the “sit on your hands” advice in the later par of this lesson.

THE FIZZY COLA & THE ICE CUBE

Two raging bulls usually turn into the fizzy cola and the ice cube. In this fighting dynamic, one partner is still a bull, fizzy with rage and the other has shutdown and turn

cold.

Usually the woman is the fizzy cola and it’s not a place you want to be at, believe me, I know. My ex-husband and I were two raging bulls… until he had decided that he

was done flaring his nostrils at me.

There I was, angry and feisty and left with only a block of ice to duel it out with. He was no longer interested in arguing back, listening to my demands, finding ways to

one-up my criticisms. He was just done! And no amount of “bubbling up” was going to stop that ice cube from sinking down into the bottom of the cup and eventually

disappearing.

The biggest problem with this fighting style is that the ice cube usually just moves on, having already fallen out of love, and the fizzy cola just fizzes and fizzes with anger,

frustration and extreme hurt. She is left feeling abandoned and destroyed.

When I was fizzy and my ice-cube hubby left, it took years to calm my percolating blood temperature; “How could he just leave, doesn’t he care about me? Am I so

unlovable? How did I allow him to affect my life so much? How do I stop being so angry—it’s ruining my other relationships and my happiness?!”

If you are feeling like a fizzy cola and your man is acting cold-shouldered, here is my best advice:

Stop Trying to Produce the Show

In relationships, I personally have a hard time not managing and controlling everything. I want the relationship I want; I want him to act the way I need him to; and I want

the best for him, even if I have to nag him to death to get him to change his self-destructive ways.

In my marriage, I could not help but fight tooth-and-nail for what I wanted from my husband. I needed more attention, more understanding, more ambition from him if we

were going to be the super-couple that I had envisioned us becoming.

And these needs, these wants—they were not wrong to have. They did not make me evil or unreasonable.

The problem was that I was bulldozing his experience of the relationship. I was ignoring his needs and wants, assuming that deep down he wanted the same things as me–

he just didn’t know how to accomplish them like I did.

And that was arrogant of me. If he wanted to drink beer until he passed out every afternoon or treat me like I didn’t matter—those were his needs. Sounds crazy, but it’s

true. He’s got his agenda and you have yours, and just like you don’t want him telling you things like, “Hey, I never signed up for an over-weight wife” or “ My idea of a

marriage isn’t a prude under the sheets”, he doesn’t want to hear all the nasty versions of why he doesn’t add up either.

If you are like I was, you have to stop trying to produce the movie that’s in your head entitled, My Perf ect Relationship!

You can’t make your man into anything other than who he is. You can’t force him to stop his vices, step up and treat you bette r. No games or manipulations (tears,

ultimatums) will change him long-term.

He has to want to change, and the only thing you can do to help make that happen is to inspire him with a cocktail of love and personal boundaries.

You don’t have to take his poor treatment (never be a doormat or a Yes-man to him), but you can’t start acting like a version of one of three fighting styles mentioned above

to get what you want. Instead you have to do what I call “sitting on your hands”:

If you two are fighting (or he is silently brewing and cold with you), you have to tell him:

You care about him.1.

You are upset at him (spare him the reason—let him ask)2.

You are available to talk if he wants to.3.

Then, you have to sit on your hands: No yelling, blaming, crying to elicit sympathy, throwing remote controls, calling therapists for him, begging him to go to AA meetingsor couples counseling, writing emails to his mother…

You sit down in the same room as him and do nothing. You don’t go to him or turn away from him. You just sit there and feel.

What do you feel? Sad, betrayed, angry, scared, hopeless? Whatever it is, allow it to come up and remain sitting on your hands.

Why do this?

You need to feel. We start trying to produce the show because we want to avoid feeling out of control to our emotions. But you must feel your emotions and you must do

so in his presence but without soliciting him to help you. Only then can you be available to him

Your movie, My Perfect Relationship, is not his movie. You have to accept that and work together to come up with solutions so that you can walk two paths next to each

other… or go separate ways. If you remain stuck in your ways, stubbornly burning energy on games, you will go NOWHERE, fast.

If you feel he can’t give you what you need, leave. But don’t think you can push it out of him like he is a child you are raising or a client from work that you are squeezing

for a sale. Love is not a power struggle.

I send you my biggest support and I believe in you to break old habits and help your relationship!

My Regards,

Kristina Marchant



This course is just the tip of the iceberg with men. In Inspire His Love f or You, my co-author Sarah Jeanette and I offer an application-program you utilize, step-by-step, to

help inspire him! It’s very specific and very easy to follow (most women are like “Duh! I know this”—but they don’t do it even if they think they do!). If you work the

system, it works. We’ve seen it happen! Click the image below to read more about the program.

About the Author

Kristina has always been fascinated by human behavior. She grew up an only child with lots of lonely alone time on her hands, which made her eager to understand the

human connection she deeply craved.

When she was older, she got a BA in psychology at Barnard College at Columbia University and now has found her way into the romantic-love relationship niche, as a

relationship coach who advises women on men and healthy relationship skills.

The decision to focus on dating and relationship advice for women came when she started having problems within her own marriage. She had spent years with her nose in

academic books about the science of the human mind, and she couldn’t figure out her own husband’s head … or heart, at all.

Through the wisdom found in spirituality books and through strange life experiences, she began to see a light at the end of a painful, soul-searching tunnel. She began to

realize that love wasn’t about games and power plays but about pure motives, honesty, trust and vulnerability. She then took her new discoveries into her dating

relationships with men, and began to see amazing results.

She is now in the best relationship of her life! And… the man she’s with now, who treats her like gold and loves to service her every request, was once a self-proclaimed

“emotionally unavailable commitment phobe.” She changed everything around for herself and took a seemingly doomed dating relationship and made it into a committed,

loving, years-long relationship.

Come take a gander at Inspire His Love for You where you’ll learn common mistakes most women make in relationships.

Kristina has helped many women turn “ impossible” relationships into fairytale romances! Don’t wait precious time. Your man needs and wants the kind of relationship you

do, it’s just a matter of a little supple, sweet, feminine inspiration!

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inspire his love for you’s 7-part introductory course– part 4 _ inspire his love for you

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