WeBreakdown

Chicken was fine, turkey was not, and fish was just weird. Essentially, all I ate willingly was plain-and-dry hot dogs and burgers, breakfast cereal with “sugar” in bold letters on the box,

and anything with Chef Boyardee’s picture on the label. Or, rather, almost anything. I didn’t fully trust the shape of his ravioli; something told me cheese might be lurking within.

Such proclivities came at a cost. In elementary school, I was regularly disciplined for not eating enough of my lunch, sequestered to the “baby table,” where talking was forbidden and cafeteria monitors would loom overhead, pushing me to eat it like a man.When summer came, my parents would no doubt have loved to ship me

off to camp but didn’t out of a legitimate fear that I’d starve. That was fine by me. I was similarly terrified that some camp counselor would force

My mom served dinner on steel cafeteria trays purchased at an Army surplus store. That allowed her to segregate my food. She’d sprinkle Jell-O mix on banana slices to make them seem closer to candy.

cookout shortly after we got out of college, an engagement party for him and your mother.”“What did you do?” “I took one bite and spit it all over the table. I think your grandmother was pretty grossed out.”

H e l o o k e d u p a t m e skeptically, causing me to worry for a moment that he might be pro-pickle. But as he turned to examine the burger on the paper plate in his lap, I knew it didn’t matter. I could make him understand by likening the pickle to the beet. Or to broccoli. For that is the essence of the picky eater’s dilemma: Whatever that foodstuff is that he finds most objectionable, nothing will be as terrifying as the thought of having it in his mouth.

e l I e V e I t o R N o t , I’ve never eaten a pickle, at least not on purpose. It’s not a claim I make with pride, though it comes up somewhat often, especially in the summer months. Backyard-beer-and-burger-flip season. For much of my life, such occasions were actually harrowing affairs, hardly conducive to the relaxation for which they were purposed. The stress typically kicked in at the end of hour one, just as the congregants moved to the fixings table. The sun might shine and the birds might sing. A piñata might even hang in the yard.

But the spread would stretch out like a minefield. Plates stacked with onions, tomatoes, and lettuce, items that, to my mind, had no more business on a burger than peanut butter. Bowls filled with potato salad and coleslaw, two concoctions whose very names I preferred not to let pass my lips. For dessert, the dreaded watermelon.

m y o N ly s o l a c e would come when the chef called, “Who wants cheese on their burger?” at which point, if I was lucky, I’d spot a five-year-old wearing my same look of disgust. A compatriot. We’d get our burgers first—less time was spent in their construction—then go eat at the swing set. “You know,” I’d explain, “I’ve never eaten a pickle, at least not on purpose.”

On one such occasion a friend’s son got curious. “Does that mean you’ve had one on accident?” he asked. “Actually, your father once snuck four pickle slices and some mustard on a hamburger he fixed for me. It was at a

1000 men & women were asked which food was their biggest deal breaker.

GOAT CHEESETOMATOESCHEERIOSONIONSPICKLESBROCCOLISKIM MILKTOMATOESSALMONSHRIMPRED MEAT

SALMONCUCUMBERS

CELERYCARROTSPICKLES

BROCCOLISKIM MILK

SALADTOMATOES

SHRIMPCAULIFLOWER

3%9%

10%8%3%

15%2%

16%20%

4%10%

Why Did You Give Me This, You Monster!Nat voluptia aut quod mod quiduciendi inctemo dissinctem et aut volesti ilEverchicieni dolup-tur? Gendae nate nobitis eribusae paris ma perum et quas aruptur ioreicimi, id modi con nia sitatur? Iqui cus quiassequas accaepr ovitas essecupidunt di dolor rerfero totati volor sedipsa muscidunt, undessimil inita inusam eles re, optate eveliquia quas modiatus aut ipsapiendae. Nullaut assum etur, ipsam dolestiis quibus, qui seque nobis.

I s a y t H a t with intimate authority. I grew up the worst eater I’d ever heard of, the kid that my friends’ parents always sent home at suppertime, a sufferer of bizarre food phobias that were absolutely nonnegotiable. I’d refuse to eat cheese, except on pizza, and then only with pepperoni and cheese.

Mac and cheese and grilled cheese sandwiches were out. By a similar logic, french fries were in but mashed potatoes were out. Condiments were unthinkable, and so too soup, fruit, and any vegetable that wasn’t corn. Those few foods I did eat could never be allowed to touch on the plate; “casserole” was the dirtiest word I could think of. I would eat a peanut butter sandwich but had no use for jelly and would refuse to take a bite within an inch of the crust.

PG

6

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inctemo dissinctem Nat voluptia aut

voluptia. Nat voluptia aut voluptia nctemo

dissinctem Nat voluptia aut voluptia.

Nat voluptia aut quod mod quiduciendi inc-temo dissinctem Nat vo-luptia aut voluptia. Nat voluptia aut voluptia nctemo dissinctem Nat voluptia aut voluptia.

Nat voluptia aut quod mod quiduciendi inc-temo dissinctem Nat vo-luptia aut voluptia. Nat voluptia aut voluptia nctemo dissinctem Nat voluptia aut voluptia.

Nat voluptia aut quod mod quiduciendi

inctemo dissinctem Nat voluptia aut

voluptia. Nat voluptia aut voluptia nctemo

dissinctem Nat voluptia aut voluptia.

Nat voluptia aut quod mod quiduciendi

inctemo dissinctem Nat voluptia aut

voluptia. Nat voluptia aut voluptia nctemo

dissinctem Nat voluptia aut voluptia.

Nat voluptia aut quod mod quiduci-

endi inctemo dissinctem Nat voluptia aut volup-

tia. Nat voluptia adfg.

We thought all kids liked ice cream...

OTHER NUMBERSTO CONSIDER

14 December, 2011

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C O N T E N T S C O N T E N T S(CONT’D)

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DO I DARE I TO EAT A PEACH?Because as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched a pickle. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals together gave new meaning to the phrase “food fight.” So now that I’m thinking about starting a family of my own, I decided was time to figure why I used to be a picky eater. BY DON JOHNSON

(IN) STYLEGROOM LIKE A MANWhile testing these out in your morning routine, you will never have to worry whether or not you are crossing the line between grooming and primping. Boom!BY DON JOHNSON

ARE YOU STUPID OR CANADIAN?Because as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched a pickle. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals together gave new meaning to the phrase “food fight.” So now that I’m thinking about starting a family of my own, I decided was time to figure why I used to be a picky eater. BY DON JOHNSON

LET’S DO THIS THINGAnd our meals together gave new meaning to the phrase “food fight.” So now that I’m thinking about starting a family of my own, I decided was time to figure why I used to be a picky eater. BY DON JOHNSON

ARMY BOOTS FOR WOMENBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched a pickleeater.BY MAGIC JOHNSON

LETTER TO THE EDITORBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched a pickleeater.BY MAGIC JOHNSON

LOCKED, STOCKED & ROCKEDBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched a pickle. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals together gave new meaning to the phrase “food fight.” So now that I’m thinking about starting a family of my own, I decided was time to figure why I used to be a picky eater. BY DON KNOTTS

(IN) TOUCHWHAT THE F@*# ARE YOUR KIDSWe have spanned the internet and every magazine in the country to examine pre-cisely, what the f@*# your kids are doing. Although this little activity is not made to tell you what to, it may not hurt to take some things into consideration when deciding what the f@*# you should do with them.BY DON KNOTTS

BEDAZZLER REVEALEDBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched a pickle. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals. BY DON JOHNSON

RECIPE OF THE MONTHBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. ents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals.BY DON JOHNSON

LOCKED, STOCKED & ROCKEDBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched a pickle. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals. BY DON JOHNSON

THINGS THAT MUST GOBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals. BY DON JOHNSON

FLIGHT OF THE TUMBLE WEEDBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched. I am really tired and wish I was done with this freaking thing.BY DON JOHNSON

FLIGHT OF THE TUMBLE WEEDBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched. I am really tired and wish I was done with this freaking thing.BY DON JOHNSON

UP THE PIKE AND SMOKE ITBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched a pickle. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals together gave new meaning to the phrase “food fight.” BY DON RICKLES

(IN) SHAPEBINGES, FASTS OR CLEANSESIt’s hard to sift through the barage of health tips and diet trends on the wire these days. Sit back and let us do the work for you, when deciding which direction to go.BY DON RICKLES

QUESTIONABLE TRENDSBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched a pickle. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals together gave new meaning to the phrase “food fight.” BY DON JOHNSON

DEAR GENERAL DOLLARBecause as a kid,and our meals together gave new meaning to the phrase “food fight.” BY DON JOHNSON

CHEECH AND BONGBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals together gave new meaning to the phrase “food fight.” BY DON JOHNSON

CHEECH AND BONGBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals together gave new meaning to the phrase “food fight.” BY DON JOHNSON

C O O L B I T S H E A LT HS T Y L I N G S E V E R Y I S S U EF E A T U R E S D E P A R T M E N T S

1. CASSWELL-MASSEYAmerican apparel gentrify thundercats salvia twee, yr lomo mixtape hoodie next level before they sold out food truck art party farm-to-table irony. Tattooed locavore DIY carles, four loko cosby sweater +1 3 wolf moon trust fund iphone marfa vegan biodiesel portland mcsweeney’s. Jean shorts wes anderson

2. SEPHORAMENAmerican apparel gentrify thundercats salvia twee, yr lomo mixtape hoodie next level before they sold out food truck art party farm-to-table irony. Tattooed locavore DIY carles, four loko cosby sweater +1 3 wolf moon trust fund iphone marfa vegan biodiesel portland mcsweeney’s. Jean shorts wes anderson

3. GAIAAmerican apparel gentrify thundercats salvia twee, yr lomo mixtape hoodie next level before they sold out food truck art party farm-to-table irony. Tattooed locavore DIY carles, four loko cosby sweater +1 3 wolf moon trust fund iphone marfa vegan biodiesel portland mcsweeney’s. Jean shorts wes anderson

4. AMERICAN CREWAmerican apparel gentrify thundercats salvia twee, yr lomo mixtape hoodie next level before they sold out food truck art party farm-to-table irony. Tattooed locavore DIY carles, four loko cosby sweater +1 3 wolf moon trust fund iphone marfa vegan biodiesel portland mcsweeney’s. Jean shorts wes anderson

5. DUSKAmerican apparel gentrify thundercats salvia twee, yr lomo mixtape hoodie next level before they sold out food truck art party farm-to-table irony. Tattooed locavore DIY carles, four loko cosby sweater +1 3 wolf moon trust fund iphone marfa vegan biodiesel portland mcsweeney’s. Jean shorts wes anderson

6. LUCKY TIGERAmerican apparel gentrify thundercats salvia twee, yr lomo mixtape hoodie next level before they sold out food truck art party farm-to-table irony. Tattooed locavore DIY carles, four loko cosby sweater +1 3 wolf moon trust fund iphone marfa vegan biodiesel portland mcsweeney’s. Jean shorts wes anderson

While testing these out in your morning routine, you will never have to worry whether or not you are crossing the line between grooming and primping. Boom!

MAN: apparel gentrify thundercats salvia twee, yr lomo mixtape hoodie

next level before they sold out food truck art party farm-to-table irony. Tattooed locavore DIY carles, four loko cosby sweater +1 3 wolf moon trust fund iphone marfa vegan biodiesel portland mcsweeney’s. Jean shorts wes anderson lomo mixtape hoodie next

4 December, 2011

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By: Dirk Digler

R THE PARK AVENUE DIET. consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis

ATKINS DIET. consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed

CAYANNE PEPPER CLEANSE. consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis. iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis

THE ZONE. consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis

FAT SMASH DIET. consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. t convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. t convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate.

It’s hard to sift through the barage of health tips and diet trends on the wire these days. Sit back and let us do the work for you, when deciding which direction to go.

orem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate.Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit, Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit,

12345

6 December, 2011

By: Dirk Digler

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis .

We have spanned the internet and every magazine in the country to examine precisely, what the f@*# your kids are doing. Although this little activity is not made to tell you what to, it may not hurt to take some things into consideration when deciding what the f@*# you should do with them.

iPHONE SCHOOLVIDEO GAMESFRIENDS

Are their friends dark, kinda quiet, mysterious, anti-social

and/or really strange?

Are they on their phone during

dinner,movies, family time, dates, holidays, church & makeout sessions?

Have you found razors or other drug accessories in their

bathroom?

Would you compare their cussing to that

of a sailor or pirate hooker?

Accept them for who they are. If

you can’t do that, start taking

acting classes... like right NOW!

That was a gut–check question. Sex doesn’t matter. Try backing off

for a while. If that doesn’t work, ship them off to Catholic or bording school. Maybe “The Man” will have

better luck than you.

Are you jealous?

Do you also FREAK out at little things and make everyone around feel

awkward when you do?

Are you on your phone during

dinner,movies, family time, dates, holidays, church &

sex sessions?

Oh. Well are they utilizing the vast ocean of endless information that is literally at the tips of their fingers?

Have they ever FREAKED out over a game. I.E. throwing,

trashing or slashing anything

within reach.

Have they ever been on a date with someone that was not a

family member?

Are these school activities centered around dragons,

stage crew or obscure clubs

where they are the founder, president and sole member?

Are they obsessed with Dexter?

Are these school

activities centered around

academics or sports?

Do you secretly

suspect that they have more sex than

you and your spouse do?

Do their friends

seem to be “more than friends,” if

you know what we mean? *Wink. Good. When

they are iPhoning, are they looking

exclusively at porn and/or internet

cats?

It’s all good. Kids will be kids. Going slightly astray is

what it’s all about. Just keep

an eye out.

Take turns slapping each

other in the face. You both should know better than

that by now.

Start saving up for MIT right

now—you might have the next Mark Zucks on

your hands.

Keep a close eye on them. The last thing you want is a bunch of little Schools running

around town.

Pros: They are probably not into

drugs, sex or thievery. Con: They may never move

out of your house.

Nothing wrong with being busy with

school work. Start saving for college.

Set boundaries. The only

acceptable phone time during

dinner is when you are looking up

facts on IMDB.

We are all obsessed with that freaking

show. We would be worried if they

weren’t into it.

That’s weird. Everyone likes

Dexter. Maybe you should have them looked at... for the

Dexter thing.

Teach them the importance of doing those

things behind closed doors. They are called, “Guilty Pleasures” for a

reason. Slap!

They are either avoiding you, or they are bored. you’ll figure out which one if you force yourself in

as a 2nd player in their RPG.

Here’s some things to consider:

#1–We all have hobbies. #2– This may be a phase.

#3–It’s not unhealthy (yet).

#4–Chill.

Do you always

find them making weird sound effects

and laughing at jokes in their

head?

Have they attended more

than one midnight release of a

high–profile video game?

Are these games

more important to them than the

opposite sex, food, bathing or talking?

Do you secretly

think your kid will kill your pets if you are not around to

keep an eye on them?

Is “School” the name of their

Asian–American boy/girlfriend?

We would be lieing if we said turning out like

this guy wasn’t a possibility...

Try not to think about it.

Have the cops ever

called you in the middle of the night, because of them?

OROROR

8 December, 2011

4 68

Chicken was fine, turkey was not, and fish was just weird. Essentially, all I ate willingly was plain-and-dry hot dogs and burgers, breakfast cereal with “sugar” in bold letters on the box,

and anything with Chef Boyardee’s picture on the label. Or, rather, almost anything. I didn’t fully trust the shape of his ravioli; something told me cheese might be lurking within.

Such proclivities came at a cost. In elementary school, I was regularly disciplined for not eating enough of my lunch, sequestered to the “baby table,” where talking was forbidden and cafeteria monitors would loom overhead, pushing me to eat it like a man.When summer came, my parents would no doubt have loved to ship me

off to camp but didn’t out of a legitimate fear that I’d starve. That was fine by me. I was similarly terrified that some camp counselor would force

My mom served dinner on steel cafeteria trays purchased at an Army surplus store. That allowed her to segregate my food. She’d sprinkle Jell-O mix on banana slices to make them seem closer to candy.

cookout shortly after we got out of college, an engagement party for him and your mother.”“What did you do?” “I took one bite and spit it all over the table. I think your grandmother was pretty grossed out.”

H e l o o k e d u p a t m e skeptically, causing me to worry for a moment that he might be pro-pickle. But as he turned to examine the burger on the paper plate in his lap, I knew it didn’t matter. I could make him understand by likening the pickle to the beet. Or to broccoli. For that is the essence of the picky eater’s dilemma: Whatever that foodstuff is that he finds most objectionable, nothing will be as terrifying as the thought of having it in his mouth.

e l I e V e I t o R N o t , I’ve never eaten a pickle, at least not on purpose. It’s not a claim I make with pride, though it comes up somewhat often, especially in the summer months. Backyard-beer-and-burger-flip season. For much of my life, such occasions were actually harrowing affairs, hardly conducive to the relaxation for which they were purposed. The stress typically kicked in at the end of hour one, just as the congregants moved to the fixings table. The sun might shine and the birds might sing. A piñata might even hang in the yard.

But the spread would stretch out like a minefield. Plates stacked with onions, tomatoes, and lettuce, items that, to my mind, had no more business on a burger than peanut butter. Bowls filled with potato salad and coleslaw, two concoctions whose very names I preferred not to let pass my lips. For dessert, the dreaded watermelon.

m y o N ly s o l a c e would come when the chef called, “Who wants cheese on their burger?” at which point, if I was lucky, I’d spot a five-year-old wearing my same look of disgust. A compatriot. We’d get our burgers first—less time was spent in their construction—then go eat at the swing set. “You know,” I’d explain, “I’ve never eaten a pickle, at least not on purpose.”

On one such occasion a friend’s son got curious. “Does that mean you’ve had one on accident?” he asked. “Actually, your father once snuck four pickle slices and some mustard on a hamburger he fixed for me. It was at a

1000 men & women were asked which food was their biggest deal breaker.

GOAT CHEESETOMATOESCHEERIOSONIONSPICKLESBROCCOLISKIM MILKTOMATOESSALMONSHRIMPRED MEAT

SALMONCUCUMBERS

CELERYCARROTSPICKLES

BROCCOLISKIM MILK

SALADTOMATOES

SHRIMPCAULIFLOWER

3%9%

10%8%3%

15%2%

16%20%

4%10%

Why Did You Give Me This, You Monster!Nat voluptia aut quod mod quiduciendi inctemo dissinctem et aut volesti ilEverchicieni dolup-tur? Gendae nate nobitis eribusae paris ma perum et quas aruptur ioreicimi, id modi con nia sitatur? Iqui cus quiassequas accaepr ovitas essecupidunt di dolor rerfero totati volor sedipsa muscidunt, undessimil inita inusam eles re, optate eveliquia quas modiatus aut ipsapiendae. Nullaut assum etur, ipsam dolestiis quibus, qui seque nobis.

I s a y t H a t with intimate authority. I grew up the worst eater I’d ever heard of, the kid that my friends’ parents always sent home at suppertime, a sufferer of bizarre food phobias that were absolutely nonnegotiable. I’d refuse to eat cheese, except on pizza, and then only with pepperoni and cheese.

Mac and cheese and grilled cheese sandwiches were out. By a similar logic, french fries were in but mashed potatoes were out. Condiments were unthinkable, and so too soup, fruit, and any vegetable that wasn’t corn. Those few foods I did eat could never be allowed to touch on the plate; “casserole” was the dirtiest word I could think of. I would eat a peanut butter sandwich but had no use for jelly and would refuse to take a bite within an inch of the crust.

PG

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inctemo dissinctem Nat voluptia aut

voluptia. Nat voluptia aut voluptia nctemo

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We thought all kids liked ice cream...

OTHER NUMBERSTO CONSIDER

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DO I DARE I TO EAT A PEACH?Because as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched a pickle. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals together gave new meaning to the phrase “food fight.” So now that I’m thinking about starting a family of my own, I decided was time to figure why I used to be a picky eater. BY DON JOHNSON

(IN) STYLEGROOM LIKE A MANWhile testing these out in your morning routine, you will never have to worry whether or not you are crossing the line between grooming and primping. Boom!BY DON JOHNSON

ARE YOU STUPID OR CANADIAN?Because as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched a pickle. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals together gave new meaning to the phrase “food fight.” So now that I’m thinking about starting a family of my own, I decided was time to figure why I used to be a picky eater. BY DON JOHNSON

LET’S DO THIS THINGAnd our meals together gave new meaning to the phrase “food fight.” So now that I’m thinking about starting a family of my own, I decided was time to figure why I used to be a picky eater. BY DON JOHNSON

ARMY BOOTS FOR WOMENBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched a pickleeater.BY MAGIC JOHNSON

LETTER TO THE EDITORBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched a pickleeater.BY MAGIC JOHNSON

LOCKED, STOCKED & ROCKEDBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched a pickle. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals together gave new meaning to the phrase “food fight.” So now that I’m thinking about starting a family of my own, I decided was time to figure why I used to be a picky eater. BY DON KNOTTS

(IN) TOUCHWHAT THE F@*# ARE YOUR KIDSWe have spanned the internet and every magazine in the country to examine pre-cisely, what the f@*# your kids are doing. Although this little activity is not made to tell you what to, it may not hurt to take some things into consideration when deciding what the f@*# you should do with them.BY DON KNOTTS

BEDAZZLER REVEALEDBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched a pickle. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals. BY DON JOHNSON

RECIPE OF THE MONTHBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. ents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals.BY DON JOHNSON

LOCKED, STOCKED & ROCKEDBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched a pickle. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals. BY DON JOHNSON

THINGS THAT MUST GOBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals. BY DON JOHNSON

FLIGHT OF THE TUMBLE WEEDBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched. I am really tired and wish I was done with this freaking thing.BY DON JOHNSON

FLIGHT OF THE TUMBLE WEEDBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched. I am really tired and wish I was done with this freaking thing.BY DON JOHNSON

UP THE PIKE AND SMOKE ITBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched a pickle. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals together gave new meaning to the phrase “food fight.” BY DON RICKLES

(IN) SHAPEBINGES, FASTS OR CLEANSESIt’s hard to sift through the barage of health tips and diet trends on the wire these days. Sit back and let us do the work for you, when deciding which direction to go.BY DON RICKLES

QUESTIONABLE TRENDSBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched a pickle. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals together gave new meaning to the phrase “food fight.” BY DON JOHNSON

DEAR GENERAL DOLLARBecause as a kid,and our meals together gave new meaning to the phrase “food fight.” BY DON JOHNSON

CHEECH AND BONGBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals together gave new meaning to the phrase “food fight.” BY DON JOHNSON

CHEECH AND BONGBecause as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals together gave new meaning to the phrase “food fight.” BY DON JOHNSON

C O O L B I T S H E A LT HS T Y L I N G S E V E R Y I S S U EF E A T U R E S D E P A R T M E N T S

1. CASSWELL-MASSEYAmerican apparel gentrify thundercats salvia twee, yr lomo mixtape hoodie next level before they sold out food truck art party farm-to-table irony. Tattooed locavore DIY carles, four loko cosby sweater +1 3 wolf moon trust fund iphone marfa vegan biodiesel portland mcsweeney’s. Jean shorts wes anderson

2. SEPHORAMENAmerican apparel gentrify thundercats salvia twee, yr lomo mixtape hoodie next level before they sold out food truck art party farm-to-table irony. Tattooed locavore DIY carles, four loko cosby sweater +1 3 wolf moon trust fund iphone marfa vegan biodiesel portland mcsweeney’s. Jean shorts wes anderson

3. GAIAAmerican apparel gentrify thundercats salvia twee, yr lomo mixtape hoodie next level before they sold out food truck art party farm-to-table irony. Tattooed locavore DIY carles, four loko cosby sweater +1 3 wolf moon trust fund iphone marfa vegan biodiesel portland mcsweeney’s. Jean shorts wes anderson

4. AMERICAN CREWAmerican apparel gentrify thundercats salvia twee, yr lomo mixtape hoodie next level before they sold out food truck art party farm-to-table irony. Tattooed locavore DIY carles, four loko cosby sweater +1 3 wolf moon trust fund iphone marfa vegan biodiesel portland mcsweeney’s. Jean shorts wes anderson

5. DUSKAmerican apparel gentrify thundercats salvia twee, yr lomo mixtape hoodie next level before they sold out food truck art party farm-to-table irony. Tattooed locavore DIY carles, four loko cosby sweater +1 3 wolf moon trust fund iphone marfa vegan biodiesel portland mcsweeney’s. Jean shorts wes anderson

6. LUCKY TIGERAmerican apparel gentrify thundercats salvia twee, yr lomo mixtape hoodie next level before they sold out food truck art party farm-to-table irony. Tattooed locavore DIY carles, four loko cosby sweater +1 3 wolf moon trust fund iphone marfa vegan biodiesel portland mcsweeney’s. Jean shorts wes anderson

While testing these out in your morning routine, you will never have to worry whether or not you are crossing the line between grooming and primping. Boom!

MAN: apparel gentrify thundercats salvia twee, yr lomo mixtape hoodie

next level before they sold out food truck art party farm-to-table irony. Tattooed locavore DIY carles, four loko cosby sweater +1 3 wolf moon trust fund iphone marfa vegan biodiesel portland mcsweeney’s. Jean shorts wes anderson lomo mixtape hoodie next

4 December, 2011

1

2

3

5

6

4

By: Dirk Digler

R THE PARK AVENUE DIET. consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis

ATKINS DIET. consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed

CAYANNE PEPPER CLEANSE. consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis. iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis

THE ZONE. consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis

FAT SMASH DIET. consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. t convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. t convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate.

It’s hard to sift through the barage of health tips and diet trends on the wire these days. Sit back and let us do the work for you, when deciding which direction to go.

orem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate.Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit, Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit,

12345

6 December, 2011

By: Dirk Digler

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis .

We have spanned the internet and every magazine in the country to examine precisely, what the f@*# your kids are doing. Although this little activity is not made to tell you what to, it may not hurt to take some things into consideration when deciding what the f@*# you should do with them.

iPHONE SCHOOLVIDEO GAMESFRIENDS

Are their friends dark, kinda quiet, mysterious, anti-social

and/or really strange?

Are they on their phone during

dinner,movies, family time, dates, holidays, church & makeout sessions?

Have you found razors or other drug accessories in their

bathroom?

Would you compare their cussing to that of a sailor or

pirate hooker?

Accept them for who they are. If

you can’t do that, start taking

acting classes... like right NOW!

That was a gut–check question. Sex doesn’t matter. Try backing off

for a while. If that doesn’t work, ship them off to Catholic or bording school. Maybe “The Man” will have

better luck than you.

Are you jealous?

Do you also FREAK out at little things and make everyone around feel

awkward when you do?

Are you on your phone during

dinner,movies, family time, dates, holidays, church &

sex sessions?

Oh. Well are they utilizing the vast ocean of endless information that is literally at the tips of their fingers?

Have they ever FREAKED out over a game. I.E. throwing,

trashing or slashing anything

within reach.

Have they ever been on a date with someone that was not a

family member?

Are these school activities centered around dragons,

stage crew or obscure clubs

where they are the founder, president and sole member?

Are they obsessed with Dexter?

Are these school

activities centered around

academics or sports?

Do you secretly

suspect that they have more sex than

you and your spouse do?

Do their friends

seem to be “more than friends,” if

you know what we mean? *Wink. Good. When

they are iPhoning, are they looking

exclusively at porn and/or internet

cats?

It’s all good. Kids will be kids. Going slightly astray is

what it’s all about. Just keep

an eye out.

Take turns slapping each

other in the face. You both should know better than

that by now.

Start saving up for MIT right

now—you might have the next Mark Zucks on

your hands.

Keep a close eye on them. The last thing you want is a bunch of little Schools running

around town.

Pros: They are probably not into

drugs, sex or thievery. Con: They may never move

out of your house.

Nothing wrong with being busy with

school work. Start saving for college.

Set boundaries. The only

acceptable phone time during

dinner is when you are looking up

facts on IMDB.

We are all obsessed with that freaking

show. We would be worried if they

weren’t into it.

That’s weird. Everyone likes

Dexter. Maybe you should have them looked at... for the

Dexter thing.

Teach them the importance of doing those

things behind closed doors. They are called, “Guilty Pleasures” for a

reason. Slap!

They are either avoiding you, or they are bored. you’ll figure out which one if you force yourself in

as a 2nd player in their RPG.

Here’s some things to consider:

#1–We all have hobbies. #2– This may be a phase.

#3–It’s not unhealthy (yet).

#4–Chill.

Do you always

find them making weird sound effects

and laughing at jokes in their

head?

Have they attended more

than one midnight release of a

high–profile video game?

Are these games

more important to them than the

opposite sex, food, bathing or talking?

Do you secretly

think your kid will kill your pets if you are not around to

keep an eye on them?

Is “School” the name of their

Asian–American boy/girlfriend?

We would be lieing if we said turning out like

this guy wasn’t a possibility...

Try not to think about it.

Have the cops ever

called you in the middle of the night, because of them?

OROROR

8 December, 2011

4 68

1. casswell-masseyAmerican apparel gentrify thundercats salvia twee, yr lomo mixtape hoodie next level before they sold out food truck art party farm-to-table irony. Tattooed locavore DIY carles, four loko cosby sweater +1 3 wolf moon trust fund iphone marfa vegan biodiesel portland mcsweeney’s. Jean shorts wes anderson

2. sePHORameNAmerican apparel gentrify thundercats salvia twee, yr lomo mixtape hoodie next level before they sold out food truck art party farm-to-table irony. Tattooed locavore DIY carles, four loko cosby sweater +1 3 wolf moon trust fund iphone marfa vegan biodiesel portland mcsweeney’s. Jean shorts wes anderson

3. GaIaAmerican apparel gentrify thundercats salvia twee, yr lomo mixtape hoodie next level before they sold out food truck art party farm-to-table irony. Tattooed locavore DIY carles, four loko cosby sweater +1 3 wolf moon trust fund iphone marfa vegan biodiesel portland mcsweeney’s. Jean shorts wes anderson

4. ameRIcaN cRewAmerican apparel gentrify thundercats salvia twee, yr lomo mixtape hoodie next level before they sold out food truck art party farm-to-table irony. Tattooed locavore DIY carles, four loko cosby sweater +1 3 wolf moon trust fund iphone marfa vegan biodiesel portland mcsweeney’s. Jean shorts wes anderson

5. DUsKAmerican apparel gentrify thundercats salvia twee, yr lomo mixtape hoodie next level before they sold out food truck art party farm-to-table irony. Tattooed locavore DIY carles, four loko cosby sweater +1 3 wolf moon trust fund iphone marfa vegan biodiesel portland mcsweeney’s. Jean shorts wes anderson

6. lUcKy TIGeRAmerican apparel gentrify thundercats salvia twee, yr lomo mixtape hoodie next level before they sold out food truck art party farm-to-table irony. Tattooed locavore DIY carles, four loko cosby sweater +1 3 wolf moon trust fund iphone marfa vegan biodiesel portland mcsweeney’s. Jean shorts wes anderson

While testing these out in your morning routine, you will never have to worry whether or not you are crossing the line between grooming and primping. Boom!

4 December, 2011

1

6

4

By: Dirk Digler

3

2

5

maN: apparel gentrify thundercats salvia twee, yr lomo mixtape hoodie

next level before they sold out food truck art party farm-to-table irony. Tattooed locavore DIY carles, four loko cosby sweater +1 3 wolf moon trust fund iphone marfa vegan biodiesel portland mcsweeney’s. Jean shorts wes anderson lomo mixtape hoodie next

R THe PaRK aVeNUe DIeT. consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis

aTKINs DIeT. consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed

cayaNNe PePPeR cleaNse. consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis. iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis

THe ZONe. consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis

FaT smasH DIeT. consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. t convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. t convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate.

It’s hard to sift through the barage of health tips and diet trends on the wire these days. Sit back and let us do the work for you, when deciding which direction to go.

orem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate.Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit, Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis enim eu libero. Sed lectus velit, suscipit sagittis egestas at, tincidunt convallis turpis. Vestibulum iaculis luctus vulputate. Sed lectus velit,

12345

6 December, 2011

By: Dirk Digler

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent laoreet semper aliquam. Cras sollicitudin, nunc id pulvinar fringilla, nisi augue congue nulla, bibendum sollicitudin turpis .

We have spanned the internet and every magazine in the country to examine precisely, what the f@*# your kids are doing. Although this little activity is not made to tell you what to, it may not hurt to take some things into consideration when deciding what the f@*# you should do with them.

iPHONE SCHOOLVIDEO GAMESFRIENDS

Are their friends dark, kinda quiet, mysterious, anti-social

and/or really strange?

Are they on their phone during

dinner,movies, family time, dates, holidays, church & makeout sessions?

Have you found razors or other drug accessories in their

bathroom?

Would you compare their cussing to that

of a sailor or pirate hooker?

Accept them for who they are. If

you can’t do that, start taking

acting classes... like right NOW!

That was a gut–check question. Sex doesn’t matter. Try backing off

for a while. If that doesn’t work, ship them off to Catholic or bording school. Maybe “The Man” will have

better luck than you.

Are you jealous?

Do you also FREAK out at little things and make everyone around feel

awkward when you do?

Are you on your phone during

dinner,movies, family time, dates, holidays, church &

sex sessions?

Oh. Well are they utilizing the vast ocean of endless information that is literally at the tips of their fingers?

Have they ever FREAKED out over a game. I.E. throwing,

trashing or slashing anything

within reach.

Have they ever been on a date with someone that was not a

family member?

Are these school activities centered around dragons,

stage crew or obscure clubs

where they are the founder, president and sole member?

Are they obsessed with Dexter?

Are these school

activities centered around

academics or sports?

Do you secretly

suspect that they have more sex than

you and your spouse do?

Do their friends

seem to be “more than friends,” if

you know what we mean? *Wink. Good. When

they are iPhoning, are they looking

exclusively at porn and/or internet

cats?

It’s all good. Kids will be kids. Going slightly astray is

what it’s all about. Just keep

an eye out.

Take turns slapping each

other in the face. You both should know better than

that by now.

Start saving up for MIT right

now—you might have the next Mark Zucks on

your hands.

Keep a close eye on them. The last thing you want is a bunch of little Schools running

around town.

Pros: They are probably not into

drugs, sex or thievery. Con: They may never move

out of your house.

Nothing wrong with being busy with

school work. Start saving for college.

Set boundaries. The only

acceptable phone time during

dinner is when you are looking up

facts on IMDB.

We are all obsessed with that freaking

show. We would be worried if they

weren’t into it.

That’s weird. Everyone likes

Dexter. Maybe you should have them looked at... for the

Dexter thing.

Teach them the importance of doing those

things behind closed doors. They are called, “Guilty Pleasures” for a

reason. Slap!

They are either avoiding you, or they are bored. you’ll figure out which one if you force yourself in

as a 2nd player in their RPG.

Here’s some things to consider:

#1–We all have hobbies. #2– This may be a phase.

#3–It’s not unhealthy (yet).

#4–Chill.

Do you always

find them making weird sound effects

and laughing at jokes in their

head?

Have they attended more

than one midnight release of a

high–profile video game?

Are these games

more important to them than the

opposite sex, food, bathing or talking?

Do you secretly

think your kid will kill your pets if you are not around to

keep an eye on them?

Is “School” the name of their

Asian–American boy/girlfriend?

We would be lieing if we said turning out like

this guy wasn’t a possibility...

Try not to think about it.

Have the cops ever

called you in the middle of the night, because of them?

OROROR

8 December, 2011

Furrowed Brow:

Caused by the thought

of eating a peach...

or anything fuzzy,

for that matter.

Frowny Face:Imagining the feeling

of a peach in his mouthhas caused his mouth

to droop like abasset hounds

back skin. Sad.

The Tools:

These are normally his friend.

Today, they are impliments of Satan,

in his quest to avoid the inevitable.

Food Tarp:Catches all peach particles

that will undoubtedly fall out of his mouth

during consumption.

The ENEMY !

I LITERALLY wouldrather die than eatthis thing. I hate you

and your mother...

Written by: Don JohnsonPhotography by: Mantis Toboggin

Because as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched a pickle. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals together gave new meaning to the phrase “food fight.” So now that I’m thinking about starting a family of my own, I decided it was time to figure out why I used tobe such a picky eater.

Furrowed Brow:

Caused by the thought

of eating a peach...

or anything fuzzy,

for that matter.

Frowny Face:Imagining the feeling

of a peach in his mouthhas caused his mouth

to droop like abasset hounds

back skin. Sad.

The Tools:

These are normally his friend.

Today, they are impliments of Satan,

in his quest to avoid the inevitable.

Food Tarp:Catches all peach particles

that will undoubtedly fall out of his mouth

during consumption.

The ENEMY !

I LITERALLY wouldrather die than eatthis thing. I hate you

and your mother...

Written by: Don JohnsonPhotography by: Mantis Toboggin

Because as a kid, I wouldn’t go near one. Or a cheeseburger. Or soup. Or anything that had touched a pickle. My parents said I was the finickiest child they’d ever seen, and our meals together gave new meaning to the phrase “food fight.” So now that I’m thinking about starting a family of my own, I decided it was time to figure out why I used tobe such a picky eater.

Chicken was fine, turkey was not, and fish was just weird. Essentially, all I ate willingly was plain-and-dry hot dogs and burgers, breakfast cereal with “sugar” in bold letters on the box,

and anything with Chef Boyardee’s picture on the label. Or, rather, almost anything. I didn’t fully trust the shape of his ravioli; something told me cheese might be lurking within.

Such proclivities came at a cost. In elementary school, I was regularly disciplined for not eating enough of my lunch, sequestered to the “baby table,” where talking was forbidden and cafeteria monitors would loom overhead, pushing me to eat it like a man.When summer came, my parents would no doubt have loved to ship me

off to camp but didn’t out of a legitimate fear that I’d starve. That was fine by me. I was similarly terrified that some camp counselor would force

My mom served dinner on steel cafeteria trays purchased at an Army surplus store. That allowed her to segregate my food. She’d sprinkle Jell-O mix on banana slices to make them seem closer to candy.

cookout shortly after we got out of college, an engagement party for him and your mother.”“What did you do?” “I took one bite and spit it all over the table. I think your grandmother was pretty grossed out.”

H e l o o k e d u p a t m e skeptically, causing me to worry for a moment that he might be pro-pickle. But as he turned to examine the burger on the paper plate in his lap, I knew it didn’t matter. I could make him understand by likening the pickle to the beet. Or to broccoli. For that is the essence of the picky eater’s dilemma: Whatever that foodstuff is that he finds most objectionable, nothing will be as terrifying as the thought of having it in his mouth.

e l I e V e I t o R N o t , I’ve never eaten a pickle, at least not on purpose. It’s not a claim I make with pride, though it comes up somewhat often, especially in the summer months. Backyard-beer-and-burger-flip season. For much of my life, such occasions were actually harrowing affairs, hardly conducive to the relaxation for which they were purposed. The stress typically kicked in at the end of hour one, just as the congregants moved to the fixings table. The sun might shine and the birds might sing. A piñata might even hang in the yard.

But the spread would stretch out like a minefield. Plates stacked with onions, tomatoes, and lettuce, items that, to my mind, had no more business on a burger than peanut butter. Bowls filled with potato salad and coleslaw, two concoctions whose very names I preferred not to let pass my lips. For dessert, the dreaded watermelon.

m y o N ly s o l a c e would come when the chef called, “Who wants cheese on their burger?” at which point, if I was lucky, I’d spot a five-year-old wearing my same look of disgust. A compatriot. We’d get our burgers first—less time was spent in their construction—then go eat at the swing set. “You know,” I’d explain, “I’ve never eaten a pickle, at least not on purpose.”

On one such occasion a friend’s son got curious. “Does that mean you’ve had one on accident?” he asked. “Actually, your father once snuck four pickle slices and some mustard on a hamburger he fixed for me. It was at a

1000 men & women were asked which food was their biggest deal breaker.

GOAT CHEESETOMATOESCHEERIOSONIONSPICKLESBROCCOLISKIM MILKTOMATOESSALMONSHRIMPRED MEAT

SALMONCUCUMBERS

CELERYCARROTSPICKLES

BROCCOLISKIM MILK

SALADTOMATOES

SHRIMPCAULIFLOWER

3%9%

10%8%3%

15%2%

16%20%

4%10%

Why Did You Give Me This, You Monster!Nat voluptia aut quod mod quiduciendi inctemo dissinctem et aut volesti ilEverchicieni dolup-tur? Gendae nate nobitis eribusae paris ma perum et quas aruptur ioreicimi, id modi con nia sitatur? Iqui cus quiassequas accaepr ovitas essecupidunt di dolor rerfero totati volor sedipsa muscidunt, undessimil inita inusam eles re, optate eveliquia quas modiatus aut ipsapiendae. Nullaut assum etur, ipsam dolestiis quibus, qui seque nobis.

I s a y t H a t with intimate authority. I grew up the worst eater I’d ever heard of, the kid that my friends’ parents always sent home at suppertime, a sufferer of bizarre food phobias that were absolutely nonnegotiable. I’d refuse to eat cheese, except on pizza, and then only with pepperoni and cheese.

Mac and cheese and grilled cheese sandwiches were out. By a similar logic, french fries were in but mashed potatoes were out. Condiments were unthinkable, and so too soup, fruit, and any vegetable that wasn’t corn. Those few foods I did eat could never be allowed to touch on the plate; “casserole” was the dirtiest word I could think of. I would eat a peanut butter sandwich but had no use for jelly and would refuse to take a bite within an inch of the crust.

PG

6

4

9

2

0

7

3

Nat voluptia aut quod mod quiduciendi

inctemo dissinctem Nat voluptia aut

voluptia. Nat voluptia aut voluptia nctemo

dissinctem Nat voluptia aut voluptia.

Nat voluptia aut quod mod quiduciendi inc-temo dissinctem Nat vo-luptia aut voluptia. Nat voluptia aut voluptia nctemo dissinctem Nat voluptia aut voluptia.

Nat voluptia aut quod mod quiduciendi inc-temo dissinctem Nat vo-luptia aut voluptia. Nat voluptia aut voluptia nctemo dissinctem Nat voluptia aut voluptia.

Nat voluptia aut quod mod quiduciendi

inctemo dissinctem Nat voluptia aut

voluptia. Nat voluptia aut voluptia nctemo

dissinctem Nat voluptia aut voluptia.

Nat voluptia aut quod mod quiduciendi

inctemo dissinctem Nat voluptia aut

voluptia. Nat voluptia aut voluptia nctemo

dissinctem Nat voluptia aut voluptia.

Nat voluptia aut quod mod quiduci-

endi inctemo dissinctem Nat voluptia aut volup-

tia. Nat voluptia adfg.

We thought all kids liked ice cream...

OTHER NUMBERSTO CONSIDER

14 December, 2011

F e a t u R e

Chicken was fine, turkey was not, and fish was just weird. Essentially, all I ate willingly was plain-and-dry hot dogs and burgers, breakfast cereal with “sugar” in bold letters on the box,

and anything with Chef Boyardee’s picture on the label. Or, rather, almost anything. I didn’t fully trust the shape of his ravioli; something told me cheese might be lurking within.

Such proclivities came at a cost. In elementary school, I was regularly disciplined for not eating enough of my lunch, sequestered to the “baby table,” where talking was forbidden and cafeteria monitors would loom overhead, pushing me to eat it like a man.When summer came, my parents would no doubt have loved to ship me

off to camp but didn’t out of a legitimate fear that I’d starve. That was fine by me. I was similarly terrified that some camp counselor would force

My mom served dinner on steel cafeteria trays purchased at an Army surplus store. That allowed her to segregate my food. She’d sprinkle Jell-O mix on banana slices to make them seem closer to candy.

cookout shortly after we got out of college, an engagement party for him and your mother.”“What did you do?” “I took one bite and spit it all over the table. I think your grandmother was pretty grossed out.”

H e l o o k e d u p a t m e skeptically, causing me to worry for a moment that he might be pro-pickle. But as he turned to examine the burger on the paper plate in his lap, I knew it didn’t matter. I could make him understand by likening the pickle to the beet. Or to broccoli. For that is the essence of the picky eater’s dilemma: Whatever that foodstuff is that he finds most objectionable, nothing will be as terrifying as the thought of having it in his mouth.

e l I e V e I t o R N o t , I’ve never eaten a pickle, at least not on purpose. It’s not a claim I make with pride, though it comes up somewhat often, especially in the summer months. Backyard-beer-and-burger-flip season. For much of my life, such occasions were actually harrowing affairs, hardly conducive to the relaxation for which they were purposed. The stress typically kicked in at the end of hour one, just as the congregants moved to the fixings table. The sun might shine and the birds might sing. A piñata might even hang in the yard.

But the spread would stretch out like a minefield. Plates stacked with onions, tomatoes, and lettuce, items that, to my mind, had no more business on a burger than peanut butter. Bowls filled with potato salad and coleslaw, two concoctions whose very names I preferred not to let pass my lips. For dessert, the dreaded watermelon.

m y o N ly s o l a c e would come when the chef called, “Who wants cheese on their burger?” at which point, if I was lucky, I’d spot a five-year-old wearing my same look of disgust. A compatriot. We’d get our burgers first—less time was spent in their construction—then go eat at the swing set. “You know,” I’d explain, “I’ve never eaten a pickle, at least not on purpose.”

On one such occasion a friend’s son got curious. “Does that mean you’ve had one on accident?” he asked. “Actually, your father once snuck four pickle slices and some mustard on a hamburger he fixed for me. It was at a

1000 men & women were asked which food was their biggest deal breaker.

GOAT CHEESETOMATOESCHEERIOSONIONSPICKLESBROCCOLISKIM MILKTOMATOESSALMONSHRIMPRED MEAT

SALMONCUCUMBERS

CELERYCARROTSPICKLES

BROCCOLISKIM MILK

SALADTOMATOES

SHRIMPCAULIFLOWER

3%9%

10%8%3%

15%2%

16%20%

4%10%

Why Did You Give Me This, You Monster!Nat voluptia aut quod mod quiduciendi inctemo dissinctem et aut volesti ilEverchicieni dolup-tur? Gendae nate nobitis eribusae paris ma perum et quas aruptur ioreicimi, id modi con nia sitatur? Iqui cus quiassequas accaepr ovitas essecupidunt di dolor rerfero totati volor sedipsa muscidunt, undessimil inita inusam eles re, optate eveliquia quas modiatus aut ipsapiendae. Nullaut assum etur, ipsam dolestiis quibus, qui seque nobis.

I s a y t H a t with intimate authority. I grew up the worst eater I’d ever heard of, the kid that my friends’ parents always sent home at suppertime, a sufferer of bizarre food phobias that were absolutely nonnegotiable. I’d refuse to eat cheese, except on pizza, and then only with pepperoni and cheese.

Mac and cheese and grilled cheese sandwiches were out. By a similar logic, french fries were in but mashed potatoes were out. Condiments were unthinkable, and so too soup, fruit, and any vegetable that wasn’t corn. Those few foods I did eat could never be allowed to touch on the plate; “casserole” was the dirtiest word I could think of. I would eat a peanut butter sandwich but had no use for jelly and would refuse to take a bite within an inch of the crust.

PG

6

4

9

2

0

7

3

Nat voluptia aut quod mod quiduciendi

inctemo dissinctem Nat voluptia aut

voluptia. Nat voluptia aut voluptia nctemo

dissinctem Nat voluptia aut voluptia.

Nat voluptia aut quod mod quiduciendi inc-temo dissinctem Nat vo-luptia aut voluptia. Nat voluptia aut voluptia nctemo dissinctem Nat voluptia aut voluptia.

Nat voluptia aut quod mod quiduciendi inc-temo dissinctem Nat vo-luptia aut voluptia. Nat voluptia aut voluptia nctemo dissinctem Nat voluptia aut voluptia.

Nat voluptia aut quod mod quiduciendi

inctemo dissinctem Nat voluptia aut

voluptia. Nat voluptia aut voluptia nctemo

dissinctem Nat voluptia aut voluptia.

Nat voluptia aut quod mod quiduciendi

inctemo dissinctem Nat voluptia aut

voluptia. Nat voluptia aut voluptia nctemo

dissinctem Nat voluptia aut voluptia.

Nat voluptia aut quod mod quiduci-

endi inctemo dissinctem Nat voluptia aut volup-

tia. Nat voluptia adfg.

We thought all kids liked ice cream...

OTHER NUMBERSTO CONSIDER

14 December, 2011

F e a t u R e

and what is now Dean Keeton when I became an acknowledged fan of caramelized onions. A friend argued that they were the primary attraction in the $1.50 fajitas we’d just bought from a campus vendor, then opened one up to

prove it. I was shocked. At that point I’d been enjoying them unwittingly for more than a year. And then there were tomatoes. I’d long heard that garden-fresh tomatoes were nothing like the canned ones I’d picked out of my mom’s spaghetti. I could even recite the lyrics to Guy Clark’s celebratory hymn “Homegrown Tomatoes in My Pants.”

But I’d never been willing to try one until an afternoon twelve years ago at the home of the writer Jan Reid. The occasion was a reunion of sorts. Four months earlier some friends and I had been with Jan in Mexico City. Our cab had been hijacked by two pistoleros,

and Jan had fought back, ending up with a gunshot wound in his belly and a bullet near his spine. While rehabbing in Houston, he had asked me to water his cherished tomato plants. When he finally got home, the Gang of Four, as he called us, met at his house for dinner.

As we sat down, he announced he was serving BLTs, casually mentioning how good it had felt to have been able to pick the tomatoes that afternoon. He thanked me for keeping them alive while he’d been in the hospital. It didn’t seem an appropriate time to say, “I don’t eat those.” They tasted as great as food served by someone who’s saved your life should. And the affinity held up; the next time I encountered a homegrown tomato I bit into it as if it were an apple. 

By then I was 33 years old. And though nowadays I’ll eat just about anything.

me to drink iced tea. At home, my parents did what they could but never had much heart for the battle which I was undertaking.

According to my dad, the opening skirmish was over a sweet potato, when I was two. Though I remember nothing of the encounter, my guess is—given that my parents were children of the Depression and were neither adventuresome eaters nor particularly adept in the kitchen—that the sweet potato had been boiled, probably for longer than it needed to be. I looked at it and told him that I didn’t eat those. He responded that this was the first sweet potato I’d seen. At his strong insistence I took a bite, then airmailed it onto his chin. Meals became a combination of accommodation and subterfuge. My mom served dinner on steel cafeteria trays purchased at an Army surplus store. That allowed her to segregate my food. She’d sprinkle Jell-O mix on banana slices to make them seem closer to candy. She’d even turn a blind eye—occasionally—when I’d slide objectionable items to my two younger brothers, neither of whom suffered from finickiness. One of them actually ate crayons and cigarettes.

m y p a l a t e d I d b R o a d e N as I got older, though none of these victories were won at my parents’ table. And so ingrained were the food phobias that I can clearly remember each time I branched out. I first tried ketchup as a tenth grader, at the old Holiday House on Austin’s Ben White Boulevard, in an effort to look sophisticated in front of two much cooler upperclassmen. I was a University of Texas sophomore standing on the corner of Speedway

A slight decline in

the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. Def Leppard, Poi-son, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this. Veribus, cut det, nondico nsulis.Am senatqu astrum nostilicae movenam us consum mente consulic-emo horaesilinte dere, nunulis. Valia in tam.

A slight decline in

the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. Def Leppard, Poi-son, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this. Veribus, cut det, nondico nsulis.Am senatqu astrum nostilicae movenam us consum mente consulic-emo horaesilinte dere, nunulis. Valia in tam.

A slight decline in

the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. Def Leppard, Poi-son, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this. Veribus, cut det, nondico nsulis.Am senatqu astrum nostilicae movenam us consum mente consulic-emo horaesilinte dere, nunulis. Valia in tam.

A slight decline in

the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. Def Leppard, Poi-son, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this. Veribus, cut det, nondico nsulis.Am senatqu astrum nostilicae movenam us consum mente consulic-emo horaesilinte dere, nunulis. Valia in tam.

A slight decline in

the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. Def Leppard, Poi-son, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this. Veribus, cut det, nondico nsulis.Am senatqu astrum nostilicae movenam us consum mente consulic-emo horaesilinte dere, nunulis. Valia in tam.

20112000199019801970

Is it Your Parent’s Fault?Opio, ex neris critem untemus pubis horis corum pre audam lat, num Rom-nem terum crium teri, vid inulicae nosterrips, me audemus audacte rec tem amque tes! Serferi dicio, conina, utum ingulto veri cononequem probse tella num dum more, que deps, iam Palaris. Mo vessil untio me poric vividem se con vil tusquidet pore, cul hacchuctodii te consul caudem is furitus firmium medeto nostiam poenatus, mena, virionsi tam ac teli patis comneque corum tam incus iae, nos, crei fui essa quamque mod inatum inte fur. Ahabusquem in hosta cam ingulem hactodienti, in nonstus, caecerfes con senatiam. Lutea consu quamdi pos confece rdienatil vis clesime natusquit auremur orbist deest L. crio ca cone convend entervidi, tervid rem prae acchilicat.

Sa vis senatussenam oruntis cam inestiemus aperius bon sentra me conlos culto Cupion trio interum anununt icatque non stionih ilinteri sit, C. Catium consum, quonsuam prioren trarite, quam ime consimum furescepse consu it L. Emulicaudem te co viris, norte, ut consili quitri ima, des a nitiam telute nonsi inatum erevitelare nox su quiu ese crur. Na maion tuis. Habem pore omnos critus orum forunt. Ad demus, que inatum hocupio ius rem nonc tesse consupicaedi in vid fur auterum inatiost det; nervi-gna, tuamei sidius conc rem actus ventra orum molum habem omnos inin verum es prideniaedem nosta rem eterum ernihiliquon Etrartes occionsus niquamplica adhucep ostilina, Caturem talabusce nonesce rferite atquit virmilius, Cate de co tam.

Efec te ia vestra re, nostiors int int aut aut plium, que inum efaut grarbe-mus obut is bon tamqua L. Tam modientese caela nos patre, pro ia quam iam pon Etrum quemquone quod di inenatum aucips, num tus, nernitribem

There are major categories of things that affect how much pleasure we take from food. One is sensory, and that’s where the supertasters fit in. We don’t all taste things the same way. That’s hardwired. The other is experience, the pathologies you have encountered. That is all learned.

Mr. Diggler has since died, due to a weak immune system. This goes to show, it doesn’t matter how confident about your own diet, you could still die.

A B O U T T H E A U T H O R

12 Angry EatersOpio, ex neris critem untemus pubis horis corum pre audam lat, num Romnem terum crium teri, vid inulicae nosterrips, me audemus audacte rec tem amque tes! Serferi dicio, conina, utum ingulto veri cononequem probse tella num dum more, que deps, iam Palaris. Mo vessil untio me poric vividem se con vil tusquidet pore, cul hacchuctodii te consul caudem is furitus firmium medeto nostiam poenatus, mena, virionsi tam ac teli patis comneque corum tam incus iae, nos, crei fui essa quamque mod i

Don’t mess with Hank Fonda and fruit.

16 December, 2011

F e a t u R e

and what is now Dean Keeton when I became an acknowledged fan of caramelized onions. A friend argued that they were the primary attraction in the $1.50 fajitas we’d just bought from a campus vendor, then opened one up to

prove it. I was shocked. At that point I’d been enjoying them unwittingly for more than a year. And then there were tomatoes. I’d long heard that garden-fresh tomatoes were nothing like the canned ones I’d picked out of my mom’s spaghetti. I could even recite the lyrics to Guy Clark’s celebratory hymn “Homegrown Tomatoes in My Pants.”

But I’d never been willing to try one until an afternoon twelve years ago at the home of the writer Jan Reid. The occasion was a reunion of sorts. Four months earlier some friends and I had been with Jan in Mexico City. Our cab had been hijacked by two pistoleros,

and Jan had fought back, ending up with a gunshot wound in his belly and a bullet near his spine. While rehabbing in Houston, he had asked me to water his cherished tomato plants. When he finally got home, the Gang of Four, as he called us, met at his house for dinner.

As we sat down, he announced he was serving BLTs, casually mentioning how good it had felt to have been able to pick the tomatoes that afternoon. He thanked me for keeping them alive while he’d been in the hospital. It didn’t seem an appropriate time to say, “I don’t eat those.” They tasted as great as food served by someone who’s saved your life should. And the affinity held up; the next time I encountered a homegrown tomato I bit into it as if it were an apple. 

By then I was 33 years old. And though nowadays I’ll eat just about anything.

me to drink iced tea. At home, my parents did what they could but never had much heart for the battle which I was undertaking.

According to my dad, the opening skirmish was over a sweet potato, when I was two. Though I remember nothing of the encounter, my guess is—given that my parents were children of the Depression and were neither adventuresome eaters nor particularly adept in the kitchen—that the sweet potato had been boiled, probably for longer than it needed to be. I looked at it and told him that I didn’t eat those. He responded that this was the first sweet potato I’d seen. At his strong insistence I took a bite, then airmailed it onto his chin. Meals became a combination of accommodation and subterfuge. My mom served dinner on steel cafeteria trays purchased at an Army surplus store. That allowed her to segregate my food. She’d sprinkle Jell-O mix on banana slices to make them seem closer to candy. She’d even turn a blind eye—occasionally—when I’d slide objectionable items to my two younger brothers, neither of whom suffered from finickiness. One of them actually ate crayons and cigarettes.

m y p a l a t e d I d b R o a d e N as I got older, though none of these victories were won at my parents’ table. And so ingrained were the food phobias that I can clearly remember each time I branched out. I first tried ketchup as a tenth grader, at the old Holiday House on Austin’s Ben White Boulevard, in an effort to look sophisticated in front of two much cooler upperclassmen. I was a University of Texas sophomore standing on the corner of Speedway

A slight decline in

the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. Def Leppard, Poi-son, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this. Veribus, cut det, nondico nsulis.Am senatqu astrum nostilicae movenam us consum mente consulic-emo horaesilinte dere, nunulis. Valia in tam.

A slight decline in

the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. Def Leppard, Poi-son, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this. Veribus, cut det, nondico nsulis.Am senatqu astrum nostilicae movenam us consum mente consulic-emo horaesilinte dere, nunulis. Valia in tam.

A slight decline in

the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. Def Leppard, Poi-son, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this. Veribus, cut det, nondico nsulis.Am senatqu astrum nostilicae movenam us consum mente consulic-emo horaesilinte dere, nunulis. Valia in tam.

A slight decline in

the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. Def Leppard, Poi-son, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this. Veribus, cut det, nondico nsulis.Am senatqu astrum nostilicae movenam us consum mente consulic-emo horaesilinte dere, nunulis. Valia in tam.

A slight decline in

the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. A slight decline in the 80’s. Any number of things could’ve caused this. John Hughes, Def Leppard, Poison, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this—It wasn’t Jimmy Johns. Def Leppard, Poi-son, The Yankees, Frank Sinatra, Alaska... All we know is this. Veribus, cut det, nondico nsulis.Am senatqu astrum nostilicae movenam us consum mente consulic-emo horaesilinte dere, nunulis. Valia in tam.

20112000199019801970

Is it Your Parent’s Fault?Opio, ex neris critem untemus pubis horis corum pre audam lat, num Rom-nem terum crium teri, vid inulicae nosterrips, me audemus audacte rec tem amque tes! Serferi dicio, conina, utum ingulto veri cononequem probse tella num dum more, que deps, iam Palaris. Mo vessil untio me poric vividem se con vil tusquidet pore, cul hacchuctodii te consul caudem is furitus firmium medeto nostiam poenatus, mena, virionsi tam ac teli patis comneque corum tam incus iae, nos, crei fui essa quamque mod inatum inte fur. Ahabusquem in hosta cam ingulem hactodienti, in nonstus, caecerfes con senatiam. Lutea consu quamdi pos confece rdienatil vis clesime natusquit auremur orbist deest L. crio ca cone convend entervidi, tervid rem prae acchilicat.

Sa vis senatussenam oruntis cam inestiemus aperius bon sentra me conlos culto Cupion trio interum anununt icatque non stionih ilinteri sit, C. Catium consum, quonsuam prioren trarite, quam ime consimum furescepse consu it L. Emulicaudem te co viris, norte, ut consili quitri ima, des a nitiam telute nonsi inatum erevitelare nox su quiu ese crur. Na maion tuis. Habem pore omnos critus orum forunt. Ad demus, que inatum hocupio ius rem nonc tesse consupicaedi in vid fur auterum inatiost det; nervi-gna, tuamei sidius conc rem actus ventra orum molum habem omnos inin verum es prideniaedem nosta rem eterum ernihiliquon Etrartes occionsus niquamplica adhucep ostilina, Caturem talabusce nonesce rferite atquit virmilius, Cate de co tam.

Efec te ia vestra re, nostiors int int aut aut plium, que inum efaut grarbe-mus obut is bon tamqua L. Tam modientese caela nos patre, pro ia quam iam pon Etrum quemquone quod di inenatum aucips, num tus, nernitribem

There are major categories of things that affect how much pleasure we take from food. One is sensory, and that’s where the supertasters fit in. We don’t all taste things the same way. That’s hardwired. The other is experience, the pathologies you have encountered. That is all learned.

Mr. Diggler has since died, due to a weak immune system. This goes to show, it doesn’t matter how confident about your own diet, you could still die.

A B O U T T H E A U T H O R

12 Angry EatersOpio, ex neris critem untemus pubis horis corum pre audam lat, num Romnem terum crium teri, vid inulicae nosterrips, me audemus audacte rec tem amque tes! Serferi dicio, conina, utum ingulto veri cononequem probse tella num dum more, que deps, iam Palaris. Mo vessil untio me poric vividem se con vil tusquidet pore, cul hacchuctodii te consul caudem is furitus firmium medeto nostiam poenatus, mena, virionsi tam ac teli patis comneque corum tam incus iae, nos, crei fui essa quamque mod i

Don’t mess with Hank Fonda and fruit.

16 December, 2011

F e a t u R e