ignacio darnaude, sony - wikileaks research... · ignacio darnaude, sony pirate captain (bellowing)...

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The PIRATES! in an Adventure with Scientists (May 2011)

INT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE - DINING ROOM - DAY(5) (5)

MUSIC: LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY

Caption: London, 1836. A view of the citys skyline through a window, then we pan down onto a long dining room. There is a huge table covered in food. At the near end, on a throne, sits a mysterious figure - eating.

Doors open and a figure steps in.

BEEFEATER (O.S.)ADMIRAL COLLINGWOOD!

He salutes. The camera flies to the end of the table to crash into QUEEN VICTORIA. She looks up.

QUEEN VICTORIAWell Admiral?

ADMIRALGreat news, your Majesty...

Behind him, two flunkies have brought in a map.

ADMIRAL (CONTD)...The French are defeated at last!

He points to the map, which is covered in boats with union jack sails. He continues pointing swiftly.

ADMIRAL (CONTD)Also the Russians, the Portuguese, the Chinese and the Welsh.

QUEEN VICTORIAThen our Navy rules the Ocean!

ADMIRAL(sweating profusely)

Almost entirely, your Majesty --

QUEEN VICTORIAAlmost?

The Admiral gestures weakly. British flags cover the globe, except in one tiny corner of the Caribbean.

ADMIRALUnfortunately - just here were still having a little trouble with (gulps) p-p-pirates.

She looks up. Very scary.

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QUEEN VICTORIA(contained fury)

What does it say on my Royal Crest, Admiral?

The Admiral looks up sheepishly to the Royal Coat of Arms.

ADMIRALI hate Pirates, Maam.

QUEEN VICTORIAExactly. Hate them. With their idiotic shanties and their ridiculous hats and their endless blasted roaring! I want them sunk, Admiral. Scuppered. Smashed. Fed to the sharks! Do you hear me? I HATE PIRATES!

In a fury she snatches up a lethal carving knife and smashes it into the table.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. GALLEY OF THE PIRATE BOAT - NIGHT(12) (12)

This is the main room of the boat, with a big table, cannons, hammocks and stacks of barrels, all the usual nautical paraphernalia.

CU on a hand stabbing a knife into a table. Pull out to reveal The PIRATE WITH GOUT and THE BURLY PIRATE - who are about to come to blows.

BURLY PIRATEIts the looting!

PIRATE WITH GOUTIts the cutlasses!

BURLY PIRATEIts the looting!

PIRATE WITH GOUTIts the cutlasses!

BURLY PIRATELOOTING!

PIRATE WITH GOUTCUTLASSES!

A massive fight breaks out with all the PIRATE CREW. Then - crash! The door bangs open. We see the silhouette of the PIRATE CAPTAIN - eyes glittering, magnificently bearded, a face like thunder. Behind him, also stern, the PIRATE WITH A SCARF.

The Pirates! Draft 20 WIP Script 18_05_11 2.

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PIRATE CAPTAIN(bellowing)

WHATS GOING ON, YOU SCURVY SWABS?

The crew freeze, mid-brawl, and look sheepish.

BURLY PIRATESorry Captain...

PIRATE WITH GOUTWe were just discussing whats the best bit about being a pirate.

PIRATE CAPTAIN(dangerous)

Oh you were, were you?

BURLY PIRATEI suggested it might be the looting.

PIRATE WITH GOUTWhereas I contend that its the shiny cutlasses.

ALBINO PIRATE(in the background)

And I thought it was the chance to catch exotic diseases.

The Captain exchanges a look with Pirate with a Scarf, then stalks to the head of the table, glowering.

PIRATE CAPTAINWELL YOURE ALL OF YOU WRONG! The best bit about being a pirate isnt the looting or the cutlasses. Its not the grog or the scurvy or the scantily clad mermaids. The best bit about being a pirate...

The crew give a gasp of anticipation.

He grins and theres a complete change of mood. With a swish of his cutlass, the Captain unfurls a banner reading Ham Night!.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)...is Ham Night!

INT. GALLEY OF THE PIRATE BOAT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS(20) (20)

The crew scramble into action, clearing up the galley, puttin g things straight and setting the table in record time, then they all jump into their seats and sit expectantly.

PIRATE CREWYaaaay! Ham Night! etc.


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The Pirate with a Scarf enters with a huge platter. The Captain whips off the cover to reveal a succulent HAM.

The Burly Pirate slams his fist onto the table, sending the ham flying into the air. The Pirate with a Scarf throws the Captain a cutlass, and theres a blur of steel. The ham falls into bits, landing neatly onto the empty plates/mouths of the watching crew, until the Captain spears the last morsel on the tip of his cutlass.

He spins, bows and moon-walks back to his place.

ALBINO PIRATEIts like a meat ballet!

PIRATE WITH GOUTTo ham night! And to the Pirate Captain!

The CREW cheers for the Captain.

PIRATE CAPTAINHow was that, Number Two?

Scarf peels a slice of ham from his face.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFYouve still got it Captain!

SURPRISINGLY CURVACEOUS PIRATEId take a jellyfish in the face for that man.

Tankards are bashed on the table and toasts are toasted.

PIRATE CAPTAINNo, no, no, ssh, settle down lads. No. No. Ssh. Its not all about me - No, no - Because behind every Captain with glittering eyes and a luxuriant beard...

The CREW cheer

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Thank you! Theres a crew of briny rogues.

The CREW cheer in good-natured agreement.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Oh sure, some of you are as ugly as a sea-cucumber...

PIRATE WITH GOUTAh, get away with ya!

PIRATE CAPTAIN...some of you are closer to being a chair or coat-rack than a pirate...


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The Pirate with Prosthetics waggles his limbs.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)...and some of you are just fish Ive dressed up in a hat...

The CREW turn to look at a large gasping MARLIN dressed in a pirate hat.

ALBINO PIRATE (O.S.)Good old Finny.

PIRATE CAPTAIN...but youre still the best crew a Captain could wish for!

The CREW cheer.

BURLY PIRATEOooh, dont forget Polly.

The Burly Pirate bends down.

PIRATE CAPTAINAargh, and not forgetting, never forgetting - Polly! The finest parrot to sail the Seven Seas!

ALBINO PIRATEI love her beady eyes!

Burly lifts Polly onto the table. Shes a DODO. She waddles up the table to the Pirate Captain.

PIRATE CAPTAINCome on girl! Whos the feathery heart and soul of our boat? (baby-talk voice) Is it you? Is it you? Yes it is! Yesh-it-is! Its definitely you isnt it? Yes it! Yes it is! ....

(realising hes got a bit mushy)

Right lads, where was I? Important announcement.

The Pirate Captain places Polly on the table and the Albino Pirate gives her an affectionate hug.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)By order of the Pirate King himself -

The CREW gasp.

He pauses for a drum-roll, and then whips out a copy of the Blood Island Bugle which he sails down the table: headline: 59th ANNUAL PIRATE OF THE YEAR AWARDS!.


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BURLY PIRATEThe pirate of the year awards!

Theres a general gasp. Scarf looks a little anxious.

SURPRISINGLY CURVACEOUS PIRATE(very excited)

Are you going to...(Lowers voice)

Are you going to enter again?

PIRATE CAPTAINThat I am, Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate. Oh, I know it hasnt worked out perfectly for the last...

PIRATE WITH GOUT(helpfully)

Twenty years.

PIRATE CAPTAINExactly Pirate with Gout, twenty years.

PIRATE WITH GOUT... or it might be a bit more, twenty one, twenty two ....

PIRATE CAPTAINYes, thank you!, Thank you!

(pulls himself together and rolls his eyes)

The point is, every time Ive entered Ive failed to win - - So by the sheer law of maths.

ALBINO PIRATEOoooh! Maths.

The PIRATE CAPTAIN enthusiastically points to a home-made graph, held up by The PIRATE WITH A SCARF which shows fifteen years of failure ending in I WIN!

PIRATE CAPTAIN... I must have a really good chance of nailing it this time!

The CREW are delighted.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Are you with me lads?

The CREW all cheer.

ALBINO PIRATE(delighted)

This can only end brilliantly!


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PIRATE CAPTAINThen lets go plundering!

TITLE SEQUENCE(21) (21)

We see the Pirate Ship in all its glory, (its a ramshackle affair - the halves of two different boats roughly joined together) and the crew as they get ready for another adventure. The Pirate with Accordion begins a rollicking shanty and they all sing with piratey gusto. We then zoom in on the map, which becomes animated, showing the pirates having assorted bizarre (but ultimately unsuccessful) adventures trying to plunder treasure - credits over.

THE PIRATES! IN AN ADVENTURE WITH SCIENTISTS!

We then see the pirate ship heading to Blood Island, a bustling, brightly coloured pirate enclave with a sprawling jumble of taverns, market stalls and Crazy Golf courses

CUT TO:

EXT. DECK OF PIRATE SHIP - DAY(22) (22)

BURLY PIRATELAND HO!

PIRATE CAPTAINAaaaar! Blood Island! So called because its the exact shape of some blood.

The Pirate Captain take the wheel from Pirate with a Scarf and reverse parks the ship, crushing a small row boat in the process, a distressed pirate jump into the water.

EXT - DECK - THE PIRATE BOAT- LATER

The Pirates all march ashore.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE BARNACLES FACE TAVERN - MOMENTS LATER (40) (40)

A line of Pirates are queuing out the door. They each have a bag of coins.

INT. THE BARNACLES FACE TAVERN - CONTINUOUS

We see at the front of the queue is a desk, a sign above it reads Pirate of the Year. Register here.

PIRATE CAPTAIN...Excuse me, mind out, Captain coming through - thank you very much - thank you


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He pushes confidently to the front of the queue.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)One Pirate of the Year entry form, if you please, thank you.

The pirate clerk hands him a form. The Captain joins his crew at a table and starts ticking boxes.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)(under his breath)

Lets see - Booty - oh yes.

He proudly pats the small bag of coins.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONT'D)Roaring. Check. Shanties - I shall put rousing. - - Beard? Luxuriant, obviously... der!

He sits back, satisfied.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Do you think I should sign it in blood? Make it more dramatic?

PIRATE WITH A SCARFMight be a bit on the showy side.

PIRATE CAPTAINBit too much, you might be right!

He signs extravagantly.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Pi - - rate - - Cap - - tain!

ALBINO PIRATEYou cant lose Captain! Id bet my face.

PIRATE CAPTAINWell thank you, Albino Pirate.

PIRATE WITH GOUTYoure a shoe-in sir. Theres not a pirate on the seven seas can match you...

SMASH!! A huge and extravagantly-dressed PIRATE, crashes through the window and strikes a macho pose.

PEG LEG HASTINGSLock up your daughters! Its me! Peg Leg Hastings! Back from plundering the Spanish Main!


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PIRATE CAPTAIN(muttering)

Oh good grief!

PEG LEG HASTINGSAnd I reckon THIS, will make me Pirate of the Year!

The Captain watches in dismay as Peg-Leg dumps a huge bag of gold onto the bar. The Pirate Captain looks down at his small bag of coins.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFDont worry sir. Hes all flash and no bang.

Suddenly the whole front of the tavern explodes in a shower of rubble. A cannonball flies through Peg Legs hat.

The smoke clears to reveal CUTLASS LIZ, framed in the hole. Shes holding a still-smoking cannon in one hand as if it was a pistol, and in the other shes got an enormous jewel.

ALBINO PIRATECutlass Liz!

PIRATE WITH GOUTThe butcher of Barbados!

The Pirate Captain looks up at Cutlass Liz, slightly smitten.

CUTLASS LIZHello boys! Youre probably all wondering if Im still as deadly as I am beautiful.

In one fluid movement takes a cutlass from her thigh-high boot and runs through a random nearby pirate.

CUTLASS LIZ (CONTD)Well, I am.

PEG LEG HASTINGSHello Cutlass, you trollop!

CUTLASS LIZPeg leg! You pile of squid bait! And check it out lubbers: the worlds BIGGEST diamond. That babys got my name on it.

The Captain looks even more forlorn. Pirate with a Scarf labours on in his attempts to buck him up, clutching at straws now.


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PIRATE WITH A SCARFShe doesnt even have a beard.

Suddenly the whole tavern starts to shake. Everyone reacts in alarm. Scarf and the Captain look at each other, puzzled, then approach the hole Cutlass Liz has left to see whats going on.

To their astonishment, a huge SPERM WHALE leaps out of the sea, eclipsing the setting sun.

It lands - SLAP! - on the cobbles in front of the tavern, crushing a few stalls in the process and smashes into the side of the tavern.

A muffled SHOW-TUNE can be heard drifting from the whale.

The whale starts to open its massive jaws - the music swells. Abruptly a giant tongue rolls out and slaps wetly on the cobbles.

A figure emerges from the whales maw. Tall, well-built, dressed all in black, its BLACK BELLAMY.

A GASP of recognition from the watching crowd inside the tavern. The Captains face falls further.

PIRATE CAPTAINOh, sweet Neptunes briny pants... Black Bellamy.

BLACK BELLAMY Raaagh! Read it and weep, you coves! Thats right, Black Bellamy is gonna be Pirate of the Year .... again! How are you? (to Cutlass Liz)Good to see you.

(to the tavern)Grog for everybody

BLACK BELLAMY fires his pistol into the whale, which churns out a huge stream of treasure, like a slot-machine. He surfs the treasure to join PEG LEG HASTINGS and CUTLASS LIZ at the bar.

ALBINO PIRATEWow. We are rubbish compared to them arent we?

Loud cheers and swilling of grog. The Captain looks at the three Captains ridiculous treasures, then at his own paltry loot, and then at his application form. Regretfully, he scrunches the application form and tosses it over his shoulder - where Polly catches and swallows it.


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PIRATE WITH A SCARFPerhaps we should be off sir?

PIRATE CAPTAINYes. Yes. Good point. I just remembered, actually I have some important - - bits of rope I need to untangle.

(quietly)Come on lads.

They tip-toe towards the door, crunching through the piles of gold. But Bellamy spots him.

BLACK BELLAMYWell, if it isnt the Pirate Captain!

PIRATE CAPTAIN(rabbit in headlights)

Oh, hello Bellamy. Cutlass. Peg Leg. Didnt notice you come in.

BLACK BELLAMYAaaar! The beards looking great my man, and I see youre more wanted than ever!

He indicated to a wanted poster on the wall, the price on the Pirate Captains head is twelve doubloons and a free pen.

The other captains laugh.

BLACK BELLAMY (CONTD)No, come on everybody be nice, give him a break, bring it down a little bit. Alright, seriously Captain, hows the pirating business treating you?

PIRATE CAPTAINAh, brilliantly. Thanks for asking. Treasure coming out of my eyeballs. Ive taken to washing my hair in fifty pound notes.

CUTLASS LIZOh really, if youve got so much booty, then how come youre still sailing that old wreck?

She points - through the hole where the wall used to be - to where the Captains dilapidated boat is parked. A bit of mast falls off. Peg-Leg and Bellamy chuckle. The Captain decides its time to leave.

PIRATE CAPTAINAnyway Id love to stay and chat, but you know - places to pillage, people to...you know...skewer


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The Captain firmly takes Polly from Albino and places her under his arm. As he does so, she starts to wheeze and heave. Everybody pauses to watch her. Suddenly she pukes up the crumpled application form.

BLACK BELLAMYOh, come on!

PEG LEG HASTINGSThat is disgusting!

PIRATE CAPTAINAre you alright girl? There there. There there

He pats her on the back as if she were a baby.

BLACK BELLAMYWait a minute Captain.

The captain looks up.

BLACK BELLAMY (CONTD)Whats this?

He unfurls the application form.

PIRATE CAPTAINWhat?

BLACK BELLAMYCaptain...

PIRATE CAPTAINOh - nothing! Give that back!

The Pirate Captain tries to grab it back but its too late.

BLACK BELLAMYPirate of the year? You were going to enter Pirate of the Year?

PIRATE CAPTAINNo, no, no, no - - Yes.

BLACK BELLAMYAgain?

PIRATE CAPTAIN(Angry now)

YES!

The watching pirates make that annoying ooooh sound.

BLACK BELLAMYCome on, listen; have they changed the rules?


(MORE)

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I mean, I always thought they gave it to the pirate with the most booty? Does they now just give it to the guy with the fattest parrot?

PIRATE CAPTAINShes not fat, shes just big boned.

BLACK BELLAMYShes fat dude!

The other Captains and the onlookers all laugh heartily. The Captain defiantly places Polly on his shoulder - knocking his hat sideways. Gales of laughter.

PIRATE CAPTAINYeah, go on, laugh! Everyone laugh!

They do just that - for a very, very long time.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFIgnore them Captain. Its not worth it. The trophy would just clash with your wallpaper anyway.

But theres no stopping the Captain. He grabs the entry-form back from Bellamy...

PIRATE CAPTAINYoull see! Youll see! I WILL be pirate of the year! On yes ....

... and slaps it down on the desk in front of the clerk, effectively entering the competition.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)And then youll be laughing on the other side of your faces! And believe me, that is a very painful thing to do! Come on, lads!

He storms out with his indignant crew, leaving the three Captains and other onlookers in pant-wetting hysterics.

CUT TO:

EXT. DECK OF PIRATE SHIP - AT SEA - LATER(50) (50)

The Captain throws an empty treasure chest onto the deck with a bang.

PIRATE CAPTAINAll right, now listen up, you coves! Well show those swabs a thing or two about piracy. Theres still time to fill these chests with sparkling booty! I can practically taste THAT TROPHY.


BLACK BELLAMY (CONT'D)

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The crew cheer. Pirate with a Scarf bites his lip anxiously.

PIRATE CREW(chanting)

Tro-phee! Tro-phee!

EXT. DECK OF PIRATE SHIP - AT SEA - LATER

TELESCOPE VIEW a distant ship.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFCaptain! Sail off the port bow!

PIRATE CAPTAIN (O.S.)Ha HAAAA! Lets get after her Number Two!

PIRATE WITH A SCARFAye aye, Sir! CLAP ON ALL SAIL! - - ROYALS AND TOPGALLANTS!!

We see the pirate crew getting ready to attack, raising the flag, loading the cannons etc.

PIRATE CAPTAINFire those long things that go bang!

PIRATE WITH A SCARFFIRE CANONS FOUR AND SIX ....

Below decks the Pirate with Prosthetics changes his hand attachment and fires two of the canons.

PIRATE CAPTAINHa haa! Eat cannonball, lubbers!

The CAPTAIN puts down his telescope, leaps onto a cannon, strikes a pose, and turns to his crew, who are eagerly waiting, cutlasses drawn.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONT'D)Here we go lads! Look and learn - Yee ha!

ALBINO PIRATEGo get em, Pirate Captain!

The CAPTAIN puts his cutlass between his teeth, winks, climbs the rigging, grabs a rope and swings across to another boat.

EXT. DECK OF A LEPER BOAT - CONTINUOUS

PIRATE CAPTAIN Avast! Im the Pirate Captain and Im here for your gold!


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A SICKLY MAN shrugs apologetically.

SICKLY MANGold?! Afraid we dont have any gold old man, this is a leper boat.

His arm falls off.

SICKLY MAN (CONTD)Ooh! See?

EXT. DECK OF THE PIRATE BOAT - CONTINUOUS

As before, we track across another boat through a telescope.

The CAPTAIN again strikes a pose.

PIRATE CAPTAINRight lads, minor hiccup, that last one. This time - - its PAY-DAY!

He launches himself off the side of the boat.

EXT. DECK OF A SCHOOL BOAT - MOMENTS LATER

PIRATE CAPTAIN(slightly weary)

A- ha! Im the Pirate Captain and Im here for your gold!

He faces a line of small children.

TINY CHILD(apologetic)

Geography field trip.

EXT. DECK OF A NUDIST BOAT - MOMENTS LATER

PIRATE CAPTAIN(weary)

Ha haaaa! Im the Pirate Captain and...

He faces a line of nudists, their body parts hidden by bits of rigging.

NUDISTSNaturists.

EXT. DECK OF A GHOST SHIP - MOMENTS LATER

PIRATE CAPTAIN(defeated)

Pirate Captain .... blah, blah, blah, blah .... gold

He faces a row of deathly pale men.


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PALE MAN(apologetic)

Ghost ship. Whooo ha ha ha!

The Pirate Captain looks down and the deck below him is also a ghost, he drops like a stone.

EXT. DECK OF THE PIRATE BOAT - CONTINUOUS

The CAPTAIN stalks past Pirate with Scarf stood next to the empty treasure chest and into his cabin, slamming the door behind him. SCARF looks anxiously after him.

CUT TO:

INT. CAPTAINS CABIN - DAY - LATER(55) (55)

The cabin is part junk-shop, part kids bedroom, and generally a mess.

The CAPTAIN is stood by the window, dipping a biscuit into a WORLDS BEST PIRATE CAPTAIN mug. Theres a knock at his door. Pirate with a Scarf enters.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFCaptain? Weve - um - sighted another ship sir - -

PIRATE CAPTAINHmmm. Thats nice.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFDo you want to give the order to attack?

PIRATE CAPTAINNo, not really, Number Two. I think Ive had enough of piracy. Im hanging up my cutlass.

PIRATE WITH A SCARF(aghast)

Captain, no!

PIRATE CAPTAINYeah, Ive been thinking I might go into baby clothes actually. I hear theres a fortune to be made in baby clothes. Because babies grow so fast.

The Pirate Captain picks up Polly from her perch.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFBut you cant ... I mean...the crew, theyd be lost without you.


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PIRATE CAPTAINWhat was I thinking of Number Two? Pirate of the Year? Me? - - Look at the trophy cabinet!

He walks to the cabinet and picks up the only thing in it, a rosette. The Pirate with a Scarf comes a step nearer.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Best anecdote about a squid. Thats all Ive got to show for my entire career.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFBut Pirate of the year... its just commercialised nonsense. Real piracy isnt about trophies! Its about fighting up staircases backwards! Its about sliding down sails with a knife in your teeth! - - Beard glossiness!

The Pirate Captain strokes his beard, still in a funk.

PIRATE WITH A SCARF (CONTD)And think about all the adventures weve had!

He points to a set of pictures on the wall showing the Captain in various previous adventures.

PIRATE WITH A SCARF (CONTD)Our adventure with Aztecs ... Our adventure with that pig .....

In flashback, the Captain fires a cannon, the ball of which crashes through a Library wall.

PIRATE WITH A SCARF (CONTD)... Our adventure with...

LIBRARIANSsssssh!

PIRATE WITH A SCARF...Librarians!

Scarf looks at a framed SILENCE sign.

PIRATE WITH A SCARF (CONTD)Maybe not the Librarians. But the fun weve had! - And what about the shanties?

PIRATE CAPTAINMmmm, well I mean people would miss my shanties.


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PIRATE WITH A SCARFAnd the running people through?

PIRATE CAPTAINWell I do enjoy running people through...

PIRATE WITH A SCARFEnjoy it? Youre brilliant at it! Youre a brine-soaked terror of the high seas!

PIRATE CAPTAINDo you think so Number Two?

PIRATE WITH A SCARFEveryone does!

(beat)Youre more of a pirate than Black Bellamy, or any of them. Youre a real pirate. Thats why the crew - - they think youre the best thing since boil-in-the-bag ham! Why do you think they all got that tattoo?

We whip pan to a shot of the crew all showing their arms with tattoos of the Pirate Captain.

A beat as the Captain takes this on board.

PIRATE WITH A SCARF (CONTD)Come on. What do you say?

PIRATE CAPTAINAaarrr, by Neptune! Wheres that ship?

He leaps to his feet and draws his cutlass dramatically - forgetting that hes inside the cabin. The blade slices straight up through the roof.

PIRATE WITH AN ACCORDION (O.S.)(muffled)

OW!

The Captain bounds out of the cabin. Scarf looks delighted.

EXT. DECK OF PIRATE SHIP - DAY - CONTINUOUS

We see the Pirate with an Accordion rubbing his bottom! The crew all look up expectantly.

PIRATE CAPTAINThis is the one, lads! Ninth time lucky, I can feel it in my beard! Dont just sit there like lemons! Hoist the flag!

PIRATE WITH GOUTStandard sir?


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ALBINO PIRATEOr extra gruesome?

PIRATE CAPTAINExtra gruesome. Lets make their gizzards shake.

ENTHUSIASTIC CHEERS from the CREW.

CUT TO:

INT. DARWINS CABIN - DAY(60) (60)

Opening on a tadpole, we track along a line-up of species that seems to indicate a theory of evolution: a newt is followed by an iguana, then a rat-like creature, a possum, a chimpanzee and, as if in conclusion, by CHARLES DARWIN himself. He is a geeky young man, with bad posture, and cuts a very un-piratical figure.

DARWIN(V.O)Journal of Charles Darwin. Day ninety three aboard the Beagle. I have today discovered a new kind of barnacle, which I have categorised in the order of pygophora.

He pauses for a moment, stares at a portrait of Queen Victoria on the wall, sighs deeply, then goes on writing.

DARWIN (V.O) (CONTD)Ill never get a girlfriend. Im so unhappy.

We hear the swooping scream of a fast-approaching object - then a cannonball smashes through the wall and embeds itself in the portrait of Queen Victoria.

DARWIN (CONTD)...And now Im being attacked by pirates.

From the grate overhead we hear fight noises and see shadows moving about. Suddenly theres a crack and a figure falls through ......

PIRATE CAPTAIN (O.S.)Yeee-haa!

The Pirate Captain jumps to his feet and pins Darwin against a wall, a cutlass at his throat.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Avast! Im the Pirate Captain, and Im here for your gold!


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DARWIN(terrified)

I havent got any gold!

The Pirate Captain tips over boxes and upends jars and then plucks something triumphantly out of a jar.

PIRATE CAPTAINNo gold, eh? Then what might I ask is this?!

DARWINIts a baboons kidney.

The Captain scoops the contents from another jar.

PIRATE CAPTAINIs it? Oh. And what about this then?

DARWINIts another baboons kidney.

PIRATE CAPTAINUgh!

The Pirate with A Scarf and the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate run in.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFWe searched the hold, Captain.

PIRATE CAPTAIN(near the edge)

And?

PIRATE WITH A SCARFJust creatures, bits of creatures in jars...

SURPRISINGLY CURVACEOUS PIRATE ...and an unhappy looking baboon.

PIRATE CAPTAIN(apoplectic)

WHAT KIND OF SHIP IS THIS?

DARWINWere a - - well, we WERE - a Scientific Expedition. Charles Darwin, at your service.

The Captain, eye twitching, looks at the scientist, still held by the scruff of his neck, pleadingly. He starts waving his cutlass around utterly frustrated.

PIRATE CAPTAINAah! For pitys sake. Is it so much to ask? Is it?


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I just want one TINY bit of success? One teensy-weensy bit of respect from my peers? Just ONCE in my life? Is that such a crime? IS IT?

DARWIN(utterly baffled and ever more terrified)

No...?

PIRATE CAPTAINNO!

DARWINNo!

PIRATE CAPTAINOh but you try telling that to the Universe!

(very sorry for himself)Just once, just once things to go right, just once...

Scarf and Curvaceous look at each other. DARWIN hangs there awkwardly.

DARWIN So, um, are we done here?

EXT. DECK OF THE PIRATE BOAT - MINUTES LATER(70) (70)

Darwin is perched on a plank, his legs strapped together and wrists tied in front of him. Awkwardly he tries to write in his diary, holding his pen in his mouth.

DARWIN (V.O.)Dear Diary. About to meet a watery grave.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFIts nothing personal you understand, but its been a tough week and a good plank-walk usually cheers him up.

He nods across to the Captain, sitting huffily on a deck-chair, arms folded.

DARWIN (V.O.).... will die without reaching second base with a lady.

PIRATE CAPTAINOh get on with it.

DARWINTodays weather - inclement


PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONT'D)

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The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate prods Darwin with a cutlass, making him hop to the edge of the plank.

Darwin turns back to the Pirate Captain as he hops...

DARWINS POV: The Captain smiles, bends down and straightens up, in romantic SLOW MOTION he places Polly on his knee and strokes her feathers. A shaft of golden sunlight falls on her. Heavenly Hosannas ring out.

DARWIN (CONT'D)Stop!

PIRATE CAPTAINOh now what? Last request is it?

(tetchy, to Scarf)Do we have to grant those? Is there some sort of human rights convention were signed up to?

DARWIN(disbelief)

That bird!

PIRATE CAPTAINMy parrot?

(anticipating an insult)SHES JUST BIG-BONED!

DARWINNo, shes not! I mean - shes not a parrot!

The Captain looks at Polly, puzzled.

PIRATE CAPTAINNot a parrot? Whats he on about, old girl?

DARWIN ...Shes the scientific discovery of our age!

The Captain lifts Polly up to look into her face.

DARWIN (O.S.) (CONTD)...Shes a...

A splashing sound. The Captain looks quickly back at Darwin. He is no longer on the gangplank.

SURPRISINGLY CURVACEOUS PIRATESorry. Its just

(mimes jabbing)- thats my favourite bit.


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EXT. DECK OF THE PIRATE BOAT - MINUTES LATER

Close on Polly. The Captain is staring at her, amazed.

PIRATE CAPTAINMmm. A dodo you say?

DARWIN (O.S.)Theyve been extinct for a hundred and fifty years! To find one alive today is quite incredible.

As he speaks, he is lowered on to the deck in a net, dripping wet.

PIRATE CAPTAINClever old girl, not going extinct!

DARWINIf I might be so bold I would be prepared to pay you ten pounds for your Polly!

General laughter from the crew - an absurd notion.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFPollys not for sale.

PIRATE WITH GOUTTen pounds! Shes one of the family.

DARWIN looks blank.

ALBINO PIRATE...Shes like a aunty with a beak.

PIRATE CAPTAINYeah, Im afraid theyre right Charles; Polly here is the feathery heart and soul of the boat.

(to Polly)Come on little dodo.

He turns his back on Darwin and enters his cabin. Darwin follows him into the cabin.

INT. PIRATE CAPTAINS CABIN - CONTINUOUS

The Captain walks into the cabin, places Polly on the globe and feeds her a biscuit. Darwin scuttles in.

DARWINOh, its such a missed opportunity! If I could have presented her in London to the Royal Society at their annual science show...


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PIRATE CAPTAINNo question of that Im afraid.

DARWINShed have been an absolute sensation...

PIRATE CAPTAINYeah well, cant be helped.

DARWIN...and of course a shoo-in for the top prize...

The Captains brain starts whirring.

PIRATE CAPTAINPrize?

DARWINFor best scientific discovery, yes.

PIRATE CAPTAINThis prize - valuable is it?

Darwin hesitates, then sees his opportunity!

DARWINValuable? It's priceless! (dreamy) untold riches!

Cash register moment. The Captain looks up eagerly. The Pirate with a Scarf looks alarmed.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFCaptain ....!

PIRATE CAPTAINNo. Perhaps I was being a touch hasty.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFBut Captain, London? The home of Queen Victoria? Mortal enemy of pirates everywhere? Well end up hanged at execution dock!

Standing in the doorway, Albino, Curvaceous and Gout react, aghast.

PIRATE CAPTAINOh pah! We laugh in the face of danger, remember?

The Albino Pirate raises a hand.

PIRATE WITH GOUTUm - I dont.


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ALBINO PIRATEI dont really like danger at all.

The Captain closes the door on them. Scarf intercepts.

PIRATE WITH A SCARF(confidentially)

Captain - do you remember the little talk we had?

PIRATE CAPTAINThe one about whether pigs are actually a type of fruit?

PIRATE WITH A SCARFNo. No. The one about us trying to avoid hare-brained schemes that end in us facing certain death.

PIRATE CAPTAINYou heard the man Number Two. Untold riches! Heres the plan:

(counting on his fingers)We go to London, Polly wins this science show thingy, we take the prize money, I enter Pirate of the Year. I win. Bingo!

PIRATE WITH A SCARFBut Captain, Im not sure....

PIRATE CAPTAINIt cant fail. And besides, look at her little face.

He waggles Pollys beak and puts on a Polly voice.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)I so want to win that science prize. Squawk!

DARWINBravo Captain! I see youre a man of vision.

Scarf looks appalled.

PIRATE CAPTAINRight then Charles, when is this science show of yours?

DARWINA week tomorrow.

The Captain unfurls a nautical chart and studies it with a furrowed brow.


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PIRATE CAPTAINAah, confound it! We could have made that with a good wind behind us, but unfortunately theres this dirty great sea monster in the way.

DARWIN(peering at the chart)

Um, I think they just add those onto maps for decoration, Captain.

Theres a terrible silence.

PIRATE CAPTAINIs that a fact? Well blow me down. You could learn something from this fine fellow, Number Two.

Scarf is left speechless.

EXT. OPEN SEA(75) (75)

MUSIC SWELLS. The Albino Pirate throws a tarpaulin off a stack of BIG RED DOTS and begins throwing them off the back of the ship into the sea ... 2D map sequence to London.

CUT TO:

... into the Thames. The captain looks through his telescope.

PIRATE CAPTAINAh, London town, the most romantic city in the world!

EXT. RIVER THAMES EVENING(80) (80)

The ships sails into a gloomy pea-soup fog. The river banks are lined with wharves and cranes. The Pirate Captain is on deck with Darwin and the crew, who are TERRIFIED.

They pass a sign saying, QUEEN VICTORIA WELCOMES YOU TO LONDON which incorporates a grim portrait of Queen Victoria with an automated waving arm that clunks back and forth alarmingly.

ALBINO PIRATE(quivering - reading)

Queen Victoria welcomes you to London, oh, perhaps shes not so bad after all...

As if to answer them they see another sign of Queen Victoria. This time shes holding a severed Pirate head: UNLESS YOURE A PIRATE!


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PIRATE CAPTAINDont look so worried Number Two! Pirates are always visiting London.

Their attention is drawn by unearthly wailing.

SCARLET MORGAN (O.S.)TURN BACK! TURN BAAAAACK! THIS IS THE FATE OF PIRATES HERE!

The crew shrink in terror as a grim figure looms out of the mist - a ragged PIRATE, dangling in chains. Thin and filthy, he is still alive. The Captain peers closely.

PIRATE CAPTAINScarlet Morgan?

Scarlet Morgan stops wailing. The conversation is suddenly very relaxed and chatty.

SCARLET MORGANPirate Captain! Goodness me. Havent seen you since that business in Madagascar.

Cutaway to a postcard on the wall, Scarlet Morgan and the Pirate Captain in a bar, sharing drinks with some surprised-looking ring-tailed lemurs.

PIRATE CAPTAIN(apologetic shrug)

Aaarrr, I could have sworn they were girls! Youre looking well Morgan.

SCARLET MORGANYes, lost a bit of weight. What are you up to these days?

PIRATE CAPTAINOh this and that, you know. Just going to enter a science competition, actually.

SCARLET MORGANOoh! Good luck with that.

PIRATE CAPTAINThanks.

The Captain makes a telephone shape with his hand and mouths call me. The boat drifts past, and as Scarlet Morgan begins to recede into the fog he resumes his crazed demeanour.

SCARLET MORGAN (O.S.)NO! WAIT! TURN BACK! TURN BAAAAACK!


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EXT. DECK OF THE BOAT - RIVERSIDE - NIGHT

Theres a smash as the Pirate Boat moors at the quayside, crushing another row boat.

PIRATE CAPTAINSorry! Sorry!

POT BELLY PETEOh no! Look what you done to me boat. Look at the state of it. I hope you got some insurance cause I havent...

BURLY PIRATE throws the anchor overboard which knocks out POT BELLY PETE

DARWIN grabs Polly, and starts to head down the gangplank.

DARWINRight then! Well be off. Ill bring her back tomorrow, straight after the show.

The Pirate Captain snatches Polly back.

PIRATE CAPTAINDont be daft, Charles! Ill be presenting Polly.

DARWINYou...?

PIRATE CAPTAINYes! Always fancied trying my hand at a spot of science.

DARWIN thinks furiously.

DARWINBut... but... you cant.... I mean, the streets of London are no place for pirates.

He gestures towards the quayside, where we see pirates and parrots being rounded up by the police.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (O.S.)Pirates? What pirates?

Darwin turns back and gapes in astonishment. The pirates have all miraculously changed into Girl Guide disguises.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)...Nobody here but us girl guides.

ALBINO PIRATE(proudly to Gout)

Ive got a badge for looting.


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PIRATE CAPTAINWere not really girl guides, its us, the pirates! Were masters of disguise!

DARWIN(thinking furiously)

How - - ingenious. But all the same Captain, best we lie low for the night. Perhaps at my house...

PIRATE WITH A SCARFCaptain, I really think we should stay with the ...

PIRATE CAPTAINGood plan Chuck. Itll be fun to see how you boffin types live.

He marches ashore.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Well come on .... TAXI!

Uneasily the crew follow. Darwin shoots Scarf a triumphant look. At the bottom of the gangplank are two PEELERS.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)...Evening officer.

PEELERMind how you go ladies.

The Peeler tips his hat, revealing a sandwich.

EXT. DARWINS HOUSE - DUSK(85) (85)

The cab drives off, leaving Darwin and the pirates outside a sinister Victorian townhouse.

ALBINO PIRATELondon smells like Grandma.

DARWINHere we are, home sweet home.

As they approach the door, the Captain looks warily at a gloomy scene of gas-lamps, gargoyles and cobwebs.

PIRATE CAPTAINYou dont get many women back here do you Charles?

The crew climb out of the taxi.


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PIRATE WITH GOUT(whispered to Albino)

People who live alone are always serial killers.

INT. DARWINS HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

The door to the house opens and we pan down to reveal Mister Bobo, a chimpanzee wearing a monocle and tiny suit. The Captain jumps back in alarm.

PIRATE CAPTAINSweet Neptune on a bike!

MISTER BOBO (VIA FLASHCARDS)Good. Evening. Girls.

DARWINDont mind Mister Bobo. Just an old project of mine.

PIRATE CAPTAINProject?

MISTER BOBO(correcting his card choice) Pirates.

DARWINI had this theory. I thought that if you took a monkey, gave him a monocle and covered up his gigantic unsightly arse, then he would cease to be a monkey and become more of a...a Man-panzee, if you will.

PIRATE CAPTAINBold theory.

ALBINO PIRATE(stage whisper)

I dont like the monkey

DARWINBut to be honest, monkeys are ten a penny. Hes not a patch on Polly here.

He eyes Polly hungrily. Then he suddenly snaps out of it.

DARWIN (CONTD)Anyhow - big day tomorrow. We all need our rest. Let me show you to your room, Captain.

Darwin flings his coat on Bobo and heads upstairs.

PIRATE CAPTAINRight behind you, Chuck.


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The Captain flings his coat onto Scarf and follows him.

INT. DARWINS HOUSE - LANDING - CONTINUOUS

Scarf closes a door and walks along a dark passage. Something attracts his attention, and he sees, at the bottom of the stairs, Darwin and Bobo in the middle of a secret and sinister conversation.

DARWIN(whispering)

Now you know what to do: wait until the bearded idiot is asleep then sneak into his room...

MISTER BOBO (VIA FLASHCARDS)BUT

DARWINShhhh!

MISTER BOBO (VIA FLASHCARDS)(he holds up another flashcard, but much smaller) BUT

INT. DARWINS HOUSE - CAPTAINS BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

The Pirate Captain is tucked into a hammock. Polly sits on his belly. Scarf enters urgently.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFCaptain! Its Mister Darwin, sir. Im sure hes up to no good...

PIRATE CAPTAINOh honestly Number Two, whats got into you? Thanks to Charles were about to win lavish untold riches, and here you are trying to find fault with the poor fellow!

PIRATE WITH A SCARFYes, but ...

PIRATE CAPTAINNot another word! A future Pirate of the Year needs his beauty sleep. Do you think you could make nautical noises until we drop off?

PIRATE WITH A SCARFBut Captain weve only...

PIRATE CAPTAIN(snapping on an eye mask)

Sssh, Number Two. Pollys pooped.


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The Pirate with a Scarf sighs resignedly and starts the noises...

PIRATE WITH A SCARF(sigh)Shhhheeeeuuuushhhhheeuuuu!

PIRATE CAPTAINLovely. Now shiver a timber....

The Captain puts on his eye mask and settles back into his hammock.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFCrrrrrrrreeeeaaakkkk!

PIRATE CAPTAINChuck in a few gulls, would you?

PIRATE WITH A SCARFCaw! Caw! Caw!

The Pirate Captain snores. Polly snores super-loud, like a hammer drill, an octave higher.

The Pirate with a Scarf draws his cutlass and sits in an armchair. His eyelids start to droop. He slaps his face.


The Pirate with A Scarf is asleep in the armchair. Big Ben strikes three. The Captain murmurs contentedly as he dreams.

PIRATE CAPTAIN(still asleep)

Mmmm? Me? No I couldnt (laughs) Oh no - - well if you insist. Hmmmmmph. No - -

DISSOLVE TO:

INT/EXT - FANTASY DREAM SEQUENCE

The scene swims into focus, with the Captain climbing up a vague blurry staircase, under a big spotlight. People are cheering, happy music plays.

BOOMING GAMESHOW VOICE OVER (O.S.)Ladies and gentlemen! Our winner! Give it up for the Pirate Captain!

CUTLASS LIZ appears, holding a huge outsized solid gold SCIENCE TROPHY.

CUTLASS LIZCongratulations Pirate Captain! Nobody deserves it more than you!


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PIRATE CAPTAINThank you Cutlass.

She hands him the trophy.

CUTLASS LIZ(sultry)

And that beard of yours - it drives me crazy.

They move into a romantic clinch. But Cutlass transforms into Bellamy and grabs the trophy. A tug-of-war breaks out.

PIRATE CAPTAINUgh! Bellamy! Hey! Get off!

A SHADOWY FIGURE pulls Polly from the Pirate Captains grasp. The Captain pulls her back, still asleep.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)(still asleep)

Its mine - No! Give it back Bellamy its mine! No. No!

PIRATE CAPTAIN - ALT(surprised)

Bellamy!?! Get your hands off! Get off!"

Theres a brief tug-of war with the shadowy figure, then the Captain wakes up with a start.


The shadowy figure grabs Polly

PIRATE CAPTAINUrg! Neptunes navel!

He tries to jump to the rescue, but becomes tangled in his hammock. The shadowy figure simply dashes up the chimney. Scarf opens the window and climbs out while the Captain continues to struggle.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFStop! Thief!

EXT. DARWINS HOUSE - ROOFTOPS(86) (86)

The shadowy figure - covered in soot - climbs the highest chimney-stack, shortly followed by Scarf who scrambles up onto the roof-tiles. Scarf has him cornered on the chimney stack. No escape.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFIll take that.


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But the Captain pops out of the chimney, causing Scarf and Bobo to jump back in alarm.

PIRATE CAPTAINNot so fast my friend!

Scarf loses his balance, falls backwards and slides down the roof.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Number two!

Scarf slides down and just manages to cling on to the gutter.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Number two, are you alright?

Bobo jumps to safety and ducks through a skylight into a bathroom.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Unhand that dodo!

The chimney gives way. The Captain and chimney crash through the roof into the bath where the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate is having a bath. She screams and grabs her beard in a ladylike way. Beat.

SURPRISINGLY CURVACEOUS PIRATEUgh... evening Captain

The floor gives way. The bath with Captain and the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate in it slide down and crash through onto a staircase.

PIRATE CAPTAINOh, oh, oh!

The bath shoots down the stairs like a bobsleigh knocking things aside and wreaking havoc. Scarf falls from the guttering through the window into the bath.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Number Two!

An Easter Island statue cascade downstairs, wrecking the house. The shadowy figure and Polly are just in the lead.

Hearing the racket, the CREW wake up.

PIRATE WITH GOUTWere under attack, abandon ship

The bath catches up with the crew and scopps them up.

PIRATE WITH GOUT (CONTD)Hello Pirate Captain!


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PIRATE CAPTAINGot you!

The Captain and crew shoot through the house in a great panic!

ALBINO PIRATEPolly!

The Easter Island statue fast approaches the bath and Bobo, pulling the carpet taut as it falls

Bobo runs down the stairs, along the hall, passing Darwin. The Captain, bath and the statue follow just behind. Darwin shuts the door.

The statue flies over head and lands in front of the bath which is levered up through the ceiling

EXT. DARWINS HOUSE - NIGHT

Bobo races away from the house carrying Polly and followed by Darwin. The bath lands behind them. The house shakes and they stop and look back. As Darwin smiles and reaches for Polly, the bath falls flattening Mister Bobo. Pirate Captain catches Polly

PIRATE CAPTAINGot you! Are you alright girl?

DARWINCaptain? Whats going on?

PIRATE WITH A SCARFDon't play the innocent! You and your hench-monkey tried to steal Polly!

DARWINSteal Polly? Oh dear me no! Youre mistaken

PIRATE WITH A SCARFThen how do you explain this!

Triumphantly he yanks the shadowy figure from beneath the tub - or at least thinks he does - he is actually just left holding his EMPTY CAPE.

BOBO, battered and dusty, appears in the doorway. He avoids Pirate with a Scarfs glare, and holds up his cards.

MISTER BOBO (VIA FLASHCARDS) Tea. Gentlemen?


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DARWIN(composing himself)

Well, I think it's obvious what's happened, isn't it?

Pirate Captain steps out of the bath

PIRATE CAPTAIN(baffled now)

Is it?

Mister. Bobo joins Darwin

DARWIN(making a show of looking about nervously)

Some jealous rival scientist must have tried to make off with the dodo!

PIRATE CAPTAINWell that explains everything!

PIRATE WITH A SCARFCaptain, please, lets go, Pollys not safe in London.

ALBINO PIRATEI couldnt bear it if something happened to Polly!

The crew look at him, worried.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (impatient)

Nothing is going to happen to Polly. Shell be perfectly safe. Leave everything to me.

Scarf looks terribly worried.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Now come on. We cant keep that prize waiting.

They all walk back towards the house leaving Curvaceous in the bath.

SURPRISINGLY CURVACEOUS PIRATEEr...anyone got a towel?

EXT. ROYAL SOCIETY(100) (100)

They pull up outside the Royal Society.

DARWIN(cuffing Bobo)

Nice going, banana butt.


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Now this briny buffoon is going to grab all the glory! It's a disaster! Its-

Darwins eyes light up as he spots something off screen. He appears at the cab window.

DARWIN (CONTD)Bad news Im afraid Captain - you cant go in.

PIRATE CAPTAINEh?

Darwin points to the door where scientists are filing in past a policeman and a sign reading Scientists Only

DARWINIts strictly scientists only you see. Ill just have to present Polly...

Turning round, he is now faced with the pirates in full scientist disguise. His face falls.

DARWIN (CONTD)...myself.

PIRATE CAPTAINWere not really scientists, its us, the pirates - - see?

(he removes his glasses)Were masters of disguise

DARWINBut - - but - - wheres Polly?

PIRATE CAPTAINThats on a need to know basis from here on in Charles.

DARWINPardon?

PIRATE CAPTAINI am keeping her hidden, - that shadowy figure could be anywhere. Luckily Im not only a master of disguises, Im also a master of hiding things

Pirate Captain waves the crew on.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Right lads, lets show these boffins whats what.

The Captain bounds up the steps, followed by the crew. Darwin tags on hopelessly behind.


DARWIN (CONT'D)

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DARWINBut Captain - really - I - -

INT. ROYAL SOCIETY LECTURE HALL DAY

The hall is full of scientists. The pirate crew inch their way along a row and find their seats.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFExcuse me, er sorry excuse me. May I... Thank you.

On stage GLAISHER points to a diagram of a gas-filled balloon with a gondola and propellers.

GLAISHER....The balloon of my air ship contains twenty thousand cubic feet of hydrogen gas. Just here you will notice the open log fire to ensure a comfortably temperature at higher altitudes...

INT. ROYAL SOCIETY BACKSTAGE DAY

Pirate Captain followed by Darwin and Mister. Bobo walk towards the dressing rooms

DARWINCaptain! Captain please! You cant possibly appear on stage without Polly.

PIRATE CAPTAINPatience Charles, all in good time.

The Pirate Captain, trailed by Darwin, tries various dressing rooms. Each contains a scientist and his unlikely creation: a jar with a pulsing brain, a mechanical hen, a Rubiks cube.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Excuse me, sorry, sorry

The Pirate Captain finds an empty room.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Just a tick.

DARWINOh but Captain ...... !

He goes in and shuts the door in Darwins face. He reappears, seconds later, with Polly on his arm.

DARWIN (CONTD)How on earth ..... ?

The Captain rushes off. Darwin follows.


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INT. ROYAL SOCIETY LECTURE HALL DAY

On stage GLAISHER points to a diagram of a gas-filled balloon with a gondola and propellers.

GLAISHERMy air ship will revolutionise the fields of meteorology and cartography. But mostly its for looking down ladies tops.

The audience applaud warmly.

INT. ROYAL SOCIETY - THE WINGS - MOMENTS LATER

GLAISHER walks off stage as the audience applaud.

PIRATE CAPTAIN stands at the front of the line warming up vocally

PIRATE CAPTAINMe, me, me, mo, mo, mo, mo

DARWINCaptain! I really, really think it would be best if I take over from here... theres a certain manner in which these things are conducted.

PIRATE CAPTAINNonsense Chuck! What this science stuff needs, is a bit of showmanship!

He bounds towards the stage. DARWIN is left in the wings, all out of ideas. He thumps a SCIENTIFIC DEVICE being carried by another SCIENTIST in frustration, and gets a nasty shock as a result.

INT. ROYAL SOCIETY LECTURE HALL DAY(110) (110)

The crew wait expectantly, eating popcorn etc. As the Captain emerges onto the stage carrying Polly, hidden under a sheet, they clap wildly.

PIRATE WITH GOUTLook, its the Captain! Captain!! Captain!!!

Scarf tries to quieten him down.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFSssshhh!

PIRATE CAPTAINFellow scientists, poindexters, geeks! Prepare to be confounded. Prepare to be amazed. Prepare to oh-ho, wait a second, what is this?


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The Pirate Captain looks to the wings. Nothing happens. He frowns, and coughs.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONT'D)(louder)

Whats this?

The ALBINO PIRATE hurries on stage, jostling past the astonished DARWIN. Hes wearing glasses and a stethoscope, and is extremely awkward and unconvincing.

ALBINO PIRATE(from a script)

Stop! I am the worlds leading doctor, and I declare that the science you are doing is too shocking by half.

PIRATE CAPTAINDoctor Albino, are you saying that those of a nervous disposition should leave immediately in case the sheer unexpected remarkableness of my discovery should cause their hearts to explode?

In the wings DARWIN groans, and buries his face in his hands.

ALBINO PIRATE (checking his script)

Er, I am!

PIRATE CAPTAINWell, science lovers, you have been warned.

INT. ROYAL SOCIETY LECTURE HALL CONTINUOUS

The crowd murmur anxiously as the lights unexpectedly dim. In the wings the Pirate with an Accordion has got out his accordion and starts to play the opening of Also Sprach Zarathustra (the theme to 2001).

PIRATE WITH GOUT(whispered to Scarf)

This is our most educational adventure ever.

The Pirate Captain suddenly starts to do all sorts of cheesy David Copperfield-esque magician gestures, as he circles the table.

PIRATE CAPTAINBack from the dead! Back from beyond the grave! Back to astound you all! The ninth wonder of the world! Shes travelled halfway across the globe to be here tonight! Heeeeeeres


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Suddenly all the lights come on full, and he whips away the sheet.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONT'D) Polly!

Gunpowder flashes fill the stage. The crowd are silent. Albino looks very anxious. Then, after a nerve-jangling moment applause breaks out. We pan up across the crowd to a boxed-in area where we can see a pair of white gloves also applauding.

SCIENTIST - REMMINGTONBy jove its a Dodo!

SCIENTIST - RICHARDAn actual dodo!

SCIENTIST - REMMINGTONMakes electricity look like a pile of crap!

INT. THE WINGS - CONTINUOUS

The applause still ringing through the room, DARWIN slumps.

INT. ROYAL SOCIETY - AFTERSHOW PARTY - MOMENTS LATER(120) (120)

CU on the beaming Pirate Captain, stood on an Olympic style podium in the gold position, flanked by the second and third placed scientists. A FUSTY OLD SCIENTIST and a DOUR LADY SCIENTIST approach. The Captain rubs his hands in anticipation.

FUSTY SCIENTISTThe Royal Societys prize for best scientific discovery...

PIRATE CAPTAIN(to GLAISHER next to him)

Hope its not a cheque...

FUSTY SCIENTIST...is awarded to...

PIRATE CAPTAINHave you any idea what the sterling doubloon exchange rate is these days?

FUSTY SCIENTIST...the Scientist Captain!

PIRATE CAPTAINThank you, thank you! Youre too kind! Thank you. Please stop! Enough. Thank you. Thank you.


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He hands the Captain a TINY trophy. The Captain looks at it, unimpressed. Theres a pause.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Is that IT?

FUSTY SCIENTISTOh no!

PIRATE CAPTAINAh, good...

FUSTY SCIENTISTYou also get this leather-bound set of encyclopaedias.

PIRATE CAPTAINExcuse me just one moment...

He clambers off the podium, and marches furiously up to Darwin, who is already knocking back the drinks.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)OK, Chuck; now I like encyclopaedias as much as the next man, but theyre not going to help me win Pirate of the year, are they? Wheres the booty?

DARWIN(mock innocent)

Booty? What booty?

PIRATE CAPTAINThe prize! The untold riches! Remember?

DARWIN(bitter)

Oh, perhaps I didnt explain. Its not all about money. No, the real prize is...

Hes cut off by a TRUMPET FANFARE.

BEEFEATERHer Royal Majesty, the Empress of India, ruler of the Kingdom of Java, Defender of the Faith - - - - Queen Victoria!

DARWIN(just about sneering now)

A personal audience with Queen Victoria ... herself

All the guests bow low. Queen Victoria enters the room, on a Shetland Pony.


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She trots right up to the Captain, who is frozen to the spot.

QUEEN VICTORIAScientist Captain. Congratulations. What a tremendous discovery.

PIRATE CAPTAINYour..Mm...ajesty...

QUEEN VICTORIA(of the other pirates)

And who are these charming fellows?

She gestures to the Crew who are scoffing the buffet. They freeze guiltily.

PIRATE CAPTAIN This is my crew.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFBy which he means lab assistant crew.

PIRATE CAPTAINYes, yes, Im using crew in the street sense. Yo.

The Captain throws a couple of hip-hop shapes. Darwin steps forward, bowing and scraping obsequiously.

DARWINAnd Im Charles Darwin, your Majesty, I helped find the dodo -

QUEEN VICTORIA(ignoring him totally)

Yes, whatever.(to the Pirate Captain)

But... where has your delightful creature disappeared to?

PIRATE CAPTAINResting, Maam. Hidden away. Only let her out for the big performance, Im afraid. In case sinister forces should try to make off with her you see ...

QUEEN VICTORIASinister forces - - oh dear! Well, we have a wonderful petting zoo at the Palace where Polly would be quite safe. Perhaps we could - - take her off your hands?

PIRATE CAPTAINIm sorry Maam, but that is out of the question.


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QUEEN VICTORIABut shed have a lovely time... There are guinea pigs. And a donkey.

PIRATE CAPTAINI couldnt, Maam...

QUEEN VICTORIA(batting eyes)

Not even for little old me?

The Captain is by now lapping up the Queens flirtation.

PIRATE CAPTAINNo, no Im afraid not Maam. You see theres nothing more important to a pirate than his trusty dodo. Shes the feathery heart and soul of the boat.

The entire room falls silent. Monocles plink into champagne glasses. ACCORDION plays an uh-oh chord. Scarf slaps his forehead.

QUEEN VICTORIADid you say pirate?

The Captain tries to make good by fiddling with some nearby scientific apparatus.

PIRATE CAPTAIN Pirate? No no, no, no, no - - Scientist! Good old science! Cant get enough of it: mixing things together, test tube-tubing, Bunsen burning, see... ouch!

He accidentally turns on a Bunsen burner and his lab coat goes up in flames, revealing the girl guide outfit underneath. The audience gasp.

SCIENTIST - REMMINGTONHes no scientist! Hes a girl guide!

That goes up in a puff of smoke revealing the Captain in all his piratical finery.

SCIENTIST - RICHARDHes no girl guide! Hes a pirate!

The Beefeaters form a ring around the Captain.

PIRATE CAPTAINHang on, theres been some kind of mistake

(nervous laughter)Some silly mistake. Whoa! Stop. Stop! I can explain...


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The crew freeze, Scarf is restrained. In a moment, someone produces a handy chopping-block and the Captain is forced to his knees. A Beefeater raises an axe to behead him. Darwin timidly approaches Victoria.

DARWINYour majesty... He's hidden the dodo! If you chop his head off now, we might never find out where!

Her eyes flash as she understands the message. Just as the axe is about to fall...

QUEEN VICTORIAWait a mo.

The axe pauses in mid air. She circles the Captain.

QUEEN VICTORIA (CONT'D)One doesnt know why. Perhaps its his luxuriant beard. Or his gleaming teeth. Or the way he smells faintly of coconuts. But we have taken a shine to this pirate. Do you have a name Pirate Captain?

PIRATE CAPTAINThey call me the Pirate Captain.

QUEEN VICTORIAWell, Pirate Captain. We hereby pardon you of your piratical crimes!

The crowd are baffled, then politely applaud. The pirate crew look confused.

QUEEN VICTORIA (CONTD)You will stay in London, and entertain us with your stories, and your wit, and especially...your dear little dodo.

She turns on her heel as scientists crowd fawningly round the Pirate Captain who gingerly feels his neck.

PIRATE CAPTAINHells barnacles!

PIRATE WITH A SCARFCan we please get out of here now.

PIRATE CAPTAINOof! That was a bit close for comfort, number two.

Darwin scuttles up to the Queen.

DARWINIll get you that bird, your Majesty!


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QUEEN VICTORIASee that you do, Mister Darwin!

She slips him a card, and exits. DARWIN watches her go with a lovesick look. He turns to see the room is empty.

DARWINOh! Captain! Captain?? CAPTAIN ...

EXT. LONDON DOCKSIDE - MOMENTS LATER(125) (125)

The Pirate Captain shoos the crew up the gang plank.

PIRATE CAPTAINHurry up lads. Chop chop. Lets get back to sea where we belong!

CREW(enthusiastically)

Aye aye Sir!

The Captain watches as they happily hurry to work

PIRATE CAPTAINI told you coming to London was a bad idea. The sooner I get the smell of brine in my...

DARWIN (O.S.)CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN!

Darwin appears, driving a carriage at full tilt. The Captain watches as he skids to a halt.

DARWIN (CONTD)Whoooooaaa!

He hurries across.

DARWIN (CONTD)Youre not leaving surely!

PIRATE CAPTAINHa! I certainly am. Youve let me down badly Charles. Also, to be frank, your nose is too small for your face.

DARWINBut look! Youre the toast of London town!

He throws a newspaper up. The headline reads PARDONED! Above a picture of the Captain holding the science prize.

PIRATE CAPTAINOoh. I say, look at that - theyve really captured my eyes.


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DARWINWe were hoping you might come out for a little - - celebration before you go.

He indicates a group of well-wishers including some YOUNG LADIES who wave.

PIRATE WITH A SCARF(quietly)

We dont want to miss the tide Captain.

PIRATE CAPTAIN(distracted)

No, quite right.

YOUNG VICTORIAN LADYOh Captain, do join us, please!

PIRATE CAPTAINIll just stop for a quick one. Rude to refuse.

Hes clearly about to go ashore.

PIRATE WITH GOUTBut its ham night!

PIRATE CAPTAINIll be twenty minutes. Half an hour tops. Get her warmed up without me.

He starts to walk down the plank. Behind him, Albino pipes up.

ALBINO PIRATE(confused - to gout)

Arent we going yet?

PIRATE WITH GOUTSsshhh!

The Pirate with Gout shssses him, but the Captain has obviously heard and freezes mid-stride.

ALBINO PIRATE(loud whisper) )

But what about winning the Pirate of the Year and showing all those other captains that hes not a loser?

The rest of the crew look awkward. The Captains face clouds over, but he says nothing, and keeps on going.

YOUNG VICTORIAN LADY (O.S.)Yoo hoo!

PIRATE WITH A SCARFCaptain! Captain...?


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Burly drops anchor

INT. VICTORIAN TAVERN - NIGHT(160) (160)

The Captain is sitting at the bar, alongside DICKENS, JANE AUSTEN, BOBO and DARWIN. Hes obviously slightly drunk.

PIRATE CAPTAIN...ha, ha and that, in many ways, is why in a straight fight, a shark would probably beat a dracula. Feel free to use it in one of your books, Miss Austen.

Everybody claps. He downs his grog and Darwin smoothly slips another towards him.

JANE AUSTENOh Pirate Captain! Youre such a raconteur! So much better than that last chap we went doolally over.

We pan across to see the ELEPHANT MAN sat further down the bar.

ELEPHANT MANYouve all been terribly kind.

An empty bottle hits him on the head.

JANE AUSTENOh do run along.

DARWINAnother drink Captain?

PIRATE CAPTAINCheers Chuck, I say youre not related in some way are you?

DARWINPardon?

PIRATE CAPTAINNothing. Nothing. Cheers

EXT. HORRIBLE NOISY VICTORIAN PUB LATER

The Captain, Darwin and Bobo stagger out of the door.

PIRATE CAPTAINYou know what Ive discovered Charles? The friends you make after youve become famous are better, truer friends than the ones youve had for years beforehand!


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DARWINOh so very wise!

The Captain slumps against Darwin, he turns maudlin.

PIRATE CAPTAINBut the lads all think Im a fool.

DARWINNo! A fool? You? Youre an intellectual giant! Just look at how youve managed to keep Polly safe from those sinister forces.

PIRATE CAPTAINYes! I did do that, didnt I?

DARWINYou did! And wherever shes hidden, I bet its somewhere really ingenious.

PIRATE CAPTAINIt is rather!

(beckoning him close)Youll never guess where!

DARWINNope. Youre too smart for me, Captain.

The Captain reaches into his beard and triumphantly pulls out Polly.

PIRATE CAPTAINRight under everyones noses! Or right under my noses, anyhow. Ta-da!

DARWIN (GASPS)Youve been keeping Polly in your beard?

PIRATE CAPTAINActually, I keep all sorts in here.

To demonstrate he pulls a couple of items from his beard. But Darwin isnt looking at the Captain, he cant keep his eyes off Polly.

DARWINIm sorry about this, Captain.

PIRATE CAPTAINAbout what?

Mister Bobo suddenly whips out a pistol.

MISTER BOBO (VIA FLASHCARDS)Stick. Em. Up.


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PIRATE CAPTAINWhats the monkeyman playing at?

He grabs the pistol from Mister Bobo...

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)This patently isnt even a real-

...And promptly shoots a hole in his own hat.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Graaa!

The Pirate Captain falls backwards, sending Polly flying into the air. Darwin catches her and she bites his nose.

DARWINEeeek!

He hares away down the cobbled street with Mister Bobo. The Pirate Captain gives chase.

PIRATE CAPTAINCome back here you lubbers!

The Captain spots a Bishop who happens to be riding past on his penny farthing, he knocks him off.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Sorry your reverence

Darwin and Bobo race away towards a market-place. Pirate Captain chases after them through the streets to a door at the foot of a tower. Darwin and Bobo hurry inside, trying to shut the door behind them, but the Captain forces it open.

INT. TOWER OF LONDON - ELEVATOR(180) (180)

The Captain corners Darwin and grabs Polly while Bobo punches a button.

PIRATE CAPTAINA-Ha! Got you, you rogue!

Suddenly the door slides shut and the room starts to rise - because its actually an elevator. A Muzak version of land of hope and glory starts to play. The Captain reacts in alarm and surprise.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Neptunes lips! What are you up to?

DARWINIm sorry, Im sorry! Its not my fault!


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PIRATE CAPTAINWhat dyou mean, not your fault? You steal Polly, you shoot my best hat full of holes...

INT. TOWER OF LONDON

PING. The elevator stops and the door glides open. The Captain steps forward, in wonder, into a STONE CHAMBER - clearly an evil lair of some description.

He glares at them then back to Darwin.

PIRATE CAPTAINGo on then. Explain yourself!

Darwin starts to sob.

DARWINTheres this girl! Im hopelessly smitten with her.

PIRATE CAPTAINIm listening.

DARWINI know how partial she is to exotic animals, and I thought if I could get her the dodo, then she might like me. Oh, Im so ashamed...

PIRATE CAPTAINWell, why didnt you say so? Weve all done stupid things to impress girls.

He becomes quite fatherly.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)You should act aloof. They love it when you act aloof. Still, must be quite a girl, for you to go to all that trouble.

QUEEN VICTORIA (O.S.)She is quite a girl.

A chair behind a large desk whirls round, Bond villain style, revealing Queen Victoria.

PIRATE CAPTAINKrakens biscuits!

The Pirate Captain looks at from Victoria to Darwin, incredulous. Darwin giggles foolishly.

QUEEN VICTORIAMister Darwin ....


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PIRATE CAPTAINHonestly Charles?!

DARWIN(apologetic)

Its the bun. The bun really does it for me.

QUEEN VICTORIAAnd I see youve brought a friend. How delightful.

DARWIN(sniffing)

Im sorry... I didnt mean to...

QUEEN VICTORIAOh get a grip, man. You couldnt manage one tiny task, could you? Its pathetic.

She hits a button and the flower pot next to the Captain disappears through a trapdoor in the floor, frustrated she hits 2 buttons and DARWIN and BOBO plummet through a trapdoor. A single card of Bobos is left briefly hanging in mid-air.

DARWIN (O.S.)WAAAAAaaaaaaaaa.........!

MISTER BOBO (VIA FLASHCARDS)?!

INT. TOWER OF LONDON - GARBAGE CELLAR - CONTINUOUS

Darwin and Bobo come flying out of a chute into the garbage. Darwin finds himself staring at a piece of bent cardboard. He reacts.

INT. TOWER OF LONDON - CONTINUOUS

QUEEN VICTORIAListen Captain, I can see Ive gone about this all wrong.

She beckons the Captain forward.

QUEEN VICTORIA (CONTD)You see I might have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and soul of a person who really, really wants that dodo.

PIRATE CAPTAINSorry Vicky, no dice. You see, Pollys the...


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QUEEN VICTORIAFeathery heart and soul of the boat. Yes, yes. Yadda yadda yaddda. I realise shes terribly important to you, but perhaps theres something else... just as important no?

She pushes a button and the platform shes sitting on starts to rotate.

INT. TOWER OF LONDON - JEWEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Theres a blinding light and Queen Victoria hands the Pirate Captain a pair of sunglasses.

The Captain looks around, and we sees hes in a room filled with gold and jewels.

QUEEN VICTORIAI seem to recall that you piratical types have a bit of a soft spot for shiny things.

The Captain struggles with his conscience.

QUEEN VICTORIA (CONTD)Or am I getting you muddled up with magpies?

PIRATE CAPTAIN(stunned)

I...I couldnt...I mean Polly... Shes the... shes the feathery...

The Queen tosses him a ruby..

QUEEN VICTORIACome now Captain its so simple! Polly here would live like a Queen at my petting zoo. And you - -

She runs her hand along a pile of treasure.

QUEEN VICTORIA (CONTD)- - Well with treasure like this, you could be famed across the Seven Seas.

He looks and Polly then at the jewel. He stares into the facets of the jewel and sees a succession of faces swimming in its depths.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFCaptain, Pollys not for sale!

BLACK BELLAMYYou? Win Pirate of the Year?


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PIRATE WITH GOUTYoure a shoe-in sir, theres not a pirate on the seven seas to match you!

ALBINO PIRATEBut what about winning Pirate of the Year and showing all those other captains that youre not a loser - - - Wheee! Im a floating head!

QUEEN VICTORIASo Captain? Are you going to do the right thing?

He looks at the jewel, then at Polly. She blinks back, uncomprehending.

CUT TO:

INT. PIRATE BOAT - GALLEY - LATER(185) (185)

The crew are sitting at the table, looking glum and chewing listlessly. Despite the Ham Night banner and plates of food the mood is bleak. Scarf tries in vain to cheer them up.

PIRATE WITH GOUT20 minutes, didnt he say 20 minutes?

PIRATE WITH A SCARFDont worry lads. He probably just got caught up ... you know, battling a giant squid or something.

A sad beat. Then a noise off camera.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (O.S.)Well, come on, you lubbers!

The crew leap up, delighted.

ALBINO PIRATEIts him!

PIRATE WITH GOUTI told you! I told you he wouldnt let us down.

They rush onto deck...

EXT. DECK OF THE PIRATE BOAT - MOMENTS LATER

Where they freeze, gobsmacked. Theres a collective GASP.

We see what they're looking at: the PIRATE CAPTAIN, stood triumphantly on the dockside, in front of a huge mountain of treasure chests.


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PIRATE CAPTAINHello boys! Miss me?

ALBINO PIRATEIm having a mirage!

PIRATE WITH A SCARFBut... but... HOW?

PIRATE CAPTAINGood question, number two! - (dramatic pause) - I stole it all in a daring raid on the Tower Of London!

He mimes his fight.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFYou - stole all this? From the Tower of London?

PIRATE CAPTAINThat's right! Then I burnt it to the ground, wrestled a bear, and I kissed a princess for good measure.

The crew go on looking gobsmacked.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Well, what are you waiting for? Don't just stand there like porpoises! There's a trophy with our names on it!

Nobody moves.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Set a course for Blood Island!

PIRATE CREWCHEER!

EXT - BLOOD ISLAND - NIGHT(190) (190)

CAMERA SWOOPS DOWN on Blood Island, which has been transformed into a mini Vegas for the Pirate of the Year Awards

INT. ANNE BONNY MEMORIAL THEATRE - MINUTES LATER

The stage is dressed lavishly but tastelessly, with strings of pearls the size of tennis balls, fake-looking cannons, papier-mch seahorse statues, animatronic dolphins and other nautical tat. In the middle is a big gold podium.

BIG VOICE (V.O.)Avast, me hearties, and welcome, to the fifty-ninth annual Pirate of the Year Awards.


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We see the Pirate Captain now ridiculously pimped out in all sorts of tasteless bling. He looks over and winks at BLACK BELLAMY, sat a table. He has a face like thunder

PIRATE CAPTAINThis is the ticket, eh Number Two?

Scarf looks anxious and disgruntled.

ALBINO PIRATEPlease, please, please cant Polly come out now?

PIRATE CAPTAINBest not, shes still very tired.

He parts his beard, and we briefly see what looks like Polly hiding in there.

BIG VOICE (V.O.)And heres your host of the evening, the Pirate King

The PIRATE KING leaps out a giant clam-shell thats just been lowered onto the stage. Hes a huge and extravagant figure.

PIRATE KING(booming)

HELLO, PIRATES!

PIRATE CREWHELLO, PIRATE KING!

He tears a telephone directory in half, blows into a hot water bottle to make it explode, and punches the lights out of a pirate dressed as Queen Victoria. The audience cheers.

PIRATE KINGAny lubbers in tonight?

AUDIENCENO!

PIRATE CAPTAIN(to Scarf)

Well come on, cheer up.

PIRATE KINGSettle down you swabs! This is the Big One! The nominees for Pirate of the Year are as follows: Black Bellamy...

As Bellamy attempts a sickly smile, a sneaky-looking crew-member approaches and hands him a newspaper.


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PIRATE KING (CONTD)Cutlass Liz...

Zoom in on Cutlass Liz, as beautiful as she is deadly.

PIRATE KING (CONTD)...Peg Leg Hastings - - and a surprise late entry - - the Pirate Captain.

The Pirate Captain smirks with pleasure. His crew just look anxious.

PIRATE KING (CONTD)The panel of independent judges have counted each pirates booty and declared that this years winner is -

He slashes the golden envelope open with his cutlass.

PIRATE KING (CONTD) THE PIRATE CAPTAIN!

The Pirate Captain pulls a who me? face and heads to the stage to tumultuous applause. He passes Black Bellamy whos reading the newspaper.

The Pirate Captain is overcome with joy and validation as he makes his way to the stage. In slow motion he reaches for the trophy, we then see Black Bellamy stand in the audience.

BLACK BELLAMYExcuse me! Excuse me! This is all very moving, Im welling up here, but...

PIRATE KINGBellamy, this is most irregular!

BLACK BELLAMYSO IS THIS!

Black Bellamy holds up a Magazine. On the front, a picture of the Pirate Captain and Queen Victoria and the caption: NOT WANTED!. The Captain looks alarmed.

BLACK BELLAMY (CONT'D)It seems Queen Victoria has pardoned The Pirate Captain!

Consternation from the audience and the Pirate King. Scarf exchanges anxious looks with the crew.

PIRATE CAPTAINSo what if she did?

BLACK BELLAMYIf youve been pardoned... then technically...


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youre no longer a pirate. And if youre no longer a pirate, you cant really be Pirate of the Year, now can you?

PIRATE KING(thundering and aghast)

Is this true?

PIRATE CAPTAINThats one, frankly rather negative, way of looking at it...

PIRATE KINGOh villainous treachery! Treacherous villainy!

He wrenches the award from the Pirate Captains hands and gives it to Black Bellamy. The crew look on, aghast.

PIRATE KING (CONT'D)You have betrayed the pirating fraternity!

PIRATE CAPTAINBut Pirate King...

PIRATE KINGYour pirate hat and coat!

Reluctantly, the Pirate Captain hands them over.

PIRATE KING (CONT'D)Your pirate badge with googly eyes...

The Pirate Captain hands over a pirate-face badge.

PIRATE KING (CONT'D)...and your World of Hooks discount card.

A small card is handed over. The Pirate King clicks his fingers at some underlings.

PIRATE KING (CONT'D)Confiscate his treasure every last bit of it!

(to the Captain)Begone! May your lubber shame bear down upon you! You are hereby banished from Blood Island! You are a pirate no more!

The crowd erupt in hoots and jeers. Bellamy stands to one side, grinning - hes holding the Pirate of the Year award.


BLACK BELLAMY (CONT'D)

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EXT. BLOOD ISLAND STREET NIGHT

Its raining. The Pirate Captain staggers out into the street, followed by his despondent crew. The theatre doors are slammed and bolted behind them.

PIRATE CAPTAINYes, well, not a total success..

The crew cant bear to see him upset.

PIRATE WITH GOUTWe dont need them and their stupid awards...

ALBINO PIRATEThe best thing about being a pirate isnt the treasure ....

PIRATE WITH GOUTIts the cutlasses ....

SURPRISINGLY CURVACEOUS PIRATEIts Ham Night ....

ALBINO PIRATEIts Polly!

The Captain looks very guilty. Scarf puts a hand on his shoulder and looks at him pleadingly.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFWhere is Polly, Captain?

PIRATE CAPTAINWhat do you mean? You know where she is! Shes been upset enough!

PIRATE WITH A SCARFCaptain!

Everybodys looking at him, and the Captain cant pretend any longer.

PIRATE CAPTAINOH OK OK.

Shamefacedly, the Captain reaches into his beard and pulls out a fake Polly, made out of seaweed and old bits of coconut. The crew look stunned. The Pirate Captain flings out his arms, past caring.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)I sold her to Queen Victoria for a boatload of treasure. There, Ive said it.

The crew look devastated.


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PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)Oh come on, she was just a parrot! She wasnt even a parrot!

The crew cant believe what theyre hearing.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONT'D)Always weeing on the boats carpet, biting everyone, she gave half of us tetanus for goodness sake!

ALBINO PIRATEBut... she was our Polly!

PIRATE CAPTAIN You should be happy for her! Shell be living the high life! Eating gold bricks wrapped up in, you know, swans!

The Pirate with Gout puts his arm round the upset Albino Pirate and the crew turn their backs on the Captain. Only the Pirate with a Scarf remains.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)(shouting after them)

Where are you swabs going? Come on! Well have an adventure somewhere tropical! With those native ladies whose outfits dont leave much to the imagination!

He turns to his ever-loyal deputy, trying to sound upbeat.

PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONT'D)Ha! Looks like its just you and me now, Number Two. Good old inseparable you and me. Us two against the world, eh? Like Serrano ham and that other kind of ham. Arrrr!

The Pirate with a Scarf shakes his head.

PIRATE WITH A SCARFYou cant always just say aarrr at the end of a sentence and think that makes everything alright.

He turns and leaves.

PIRATE CAPTAINFine! Go on then! Go! Its not like I need any of you anyway!

He stands on the dock side, alone and sodden.


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PIRATE CAPTAIN (CONTD)(quiet)

See if I care.(defeated)

See if I care ....

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. BANK OF THE THAMES - DAY(200) (200)

The Pirate Captain, in tatty civilian clothes stands at the stern of a boat sailing up the Thames. A dreary wharf in London docks. A rain-streaked sign: WELCOME TO LONDON.

INT. CAPTAINS CABIN

Scarf sits at the Captains desk, and sadly traces his finger across a picture of him, the Captain and Polly.

EXT. LONDON STREET.

The Captain sits on the ground, at a stall selling baby clothes. He looks extremely sad.

EXT. DECK OF THE PIRATE BOAT

The crew sit about looking miserable. Gout has carved a picture of Polly into the decking. Albino is sitting next to a fake Captain made out of a barrel and bits of seaweed.

EXT. ROYAL SOCIETY

We see The Pirate Captain walking up to the steps where he sees a tatty poster of himself and Polly

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. ROYAL PETTING ZOO - DAY (210) (210)

We see the Pirate Captain climbing over a wall and into the Royal petting zoo, with a pair of bolt cutters he cuts off a padlock, and looks into the cage, its empty.

PIRATE CAPTAINPolly?

A hollow voice breaks in.

DARWIN (O.S.)Youre too late. Shes gone.

He spins round to see a TRAMP swigging from a bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag.

The Captain starts as if hes seen a ghost. Its DARWIN.


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PIRATE CAPTAINCharles? Is that you? What are you doing here?

He passes a bag with a banana in it to another tramp seated nearby. Its Mister Bobo. The Captain jumps again.

DARWINWere tramps now. Its not unlike being a scientist, but with less experiments and more drinking your own sweat.

PIRATE CAPTAINBut wheres Polly? Why isnt she in her cage?

DARWINOh, its too horrible.

He hands The Captain a menu in the shape of a ship.

PIRATE CAPTAIN(reading)

Banquet For World Leaders?

DARWINIve been a fool for love. Victoria never wanted Polly for her petting zoo.

PIRATE CAPTAIN(reading)

Terrine of Tiger?...Black Rhino Ragout...Panda Face Fritters...?

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. QV1 BALLROOM - FLASH-FORWARD

DARWIN (V.O.)Ive discovered the Queen is a member of a terrible, secret dining society. Kings, queens, emperors from around the world, they meet on her flagship, the QV1 - -to eat - the rarest and most endangered creatures they can find. This year the highlight is...

Over his speech we see, as in a dream: A banner: RARE CREATURES DINING CLUB Pan off, along a long table where Victoria

ignacio darnaude, sony - wikileaks research... · ignacio darnaude, sony pirate captain (bellowing)...

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