I hope your child fails this year…

Failure leads to Success

By “Esteemed Speaker”Mike Russell

For Bridge House Parents’ Forum, February 2013

• Integrity• Love and compassion • Health and Vitality • Positivity (a “Can Do” attitude) • Learning for Life

Ends Values (“Values we’d want to see in Bridge House people”)

Means Values (“How we must act for this to come about”)

• Honesty in all our dealings • Demonstrate forgiveness • Knowing self • Setting others free • Openness to new ideas

I hate swimming

… and maths and science

Middle-distance running, cricket and soccer

… and languages

But love(d)

Moments, words, and the sub-conscious

Statements we don’t even know we make:

• Don’t get your hopes up…• You haven’t been here long enough yet…• Good idea, but…• Yes, but you’ll need something to fall back on• Of course you can! …But…• Let me sort this out for you/ Dad or Mom or

Uncle or Aunt so-and-so will help you…• You’re going to have to find work overseas…

Statements we could make if we paid more attention to what we say:

• I think you can…• I think you’re ready for this…• Go with what you’re passionate about…• I’m looking forward to that…• Go for it!• You can handle this.• Suck it up – own it, fix it.• …let me know how it’s going.• Do your best…• Well done!!• So what did you learn?• …and then? What will you do after that?

At the heart of all relationships…

Energy and trust

Energy required for survival

Energy available for performance

Effec

tiven

ess

Perceived organisational toneAdversarial Neutral Supportive

Covey’s Emotional Bank Account

Deposits Withdrawals

Kindness Unkindness

Keeping promises Breaking promises

Honouring expectations Violating expectations

Loyalty Duplicity

Apologies Arrogance

If you love your kids, and place value in their futures, bringing them up requires caring, nurturing, providing and selflessness

And taking risks…

But also great courage; sometimes toughness – if you place value in their futures

Butterflies

The path

Do you know who I am?

• Set high expectations and build self-esteem in others

Low

E

xp

ec

tati

on

s

H

igh

Low Self esteem High

Drop-out

Failure Smart-alec

Success story

School and parents

It’s a partnership, not a confrontation

Stewart’s Law of Crisis

“There is no issue so small that it cannot be turned into a crisis.

Only one willing party is needed.”

It’s a partnership• It’s OK for your child to get into trouble

sometimes…• It’s OK for your child to face disappointment

sometimes…• In fact, it’s vital!• Be a partner, not a prosecutor• The helicopter parent

Stimulus & Response

OW!

Freedom to choose

Self awareness Imagination Conscience Independent will

Stimulus / /Response• Breathe deeply… count to 10…• Find the facts and deal with them…• Deal with all sides of the story…• Deal with negative situations with perspective, short, medium

and long-term thinking… they are opportunities for growth• Be a PARTNER in seeking the solution…• Trust the good intentions and integrity of the other party• Don’t press “send” until another re-read later…• Tone: “Since when does Bridge House think it can…” • vs “I’ve heard that there’s been a decision to (whatever). If that’s

true, can I talk to someone about it?”• Remember: We care about your kids too…

“One should never forget the main aim in a debate… is that we should emerge from that

debate, however sharp our differences might have been, stronger, closer and more united than ever

before. The removal of differences and mutual suspicion… should always be our guiding

principle.”

Nelson MandelaConversations with Myself

In the US, new teachers last an average of 4,5 years…

They list “issues with parents” as a major reason for leaving the profession.

• … that’s shooting our kids in the foot!

C. Day Lewis

“Walking away” for Sean

It is eighteen years ago, almost to the day –A sunny day with the leaves just turning,The touch-lines new-ruled – since I watched you playYour first game of football, then, like a satelliteWrenched from its orbit, go drifting away

Behind a scatter of boys. I can seeYou walking away from me towards the schoolWith the pathos of a half-fledged thing set freeInto a wilderness, the gait of one

Who finds no path where the path should be.

That hesitant figure, eddying awayLike a winged seed loosened from its parent stem,Has something I never quite grasp to conveyAbout nature’s give-and-take – the small, the scorchingOrdeals which fire one’s irresolute clay

I have had worse partings, but none that soGnaws at my mind still. Perhaps it is roughlySaying what God alone could perfectly show –How selfhood begins with a walking away,And love is proved in the letting go.

Finally

Thanks for your time!Laugh as much as you can:

…because there’s no scientific proof that life is meant to be serious!