how to survive a garden gnome attack by chuck sambuchino - excerpt

8/9/2019 How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack by Chuck Sambuchino - Excerpt

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How to Survive agardengnome

attack
http://www.randomhouse.com/crown


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CHUCK SAMBUCHINO

Photography by Andrew Parsons

Defend YourselfWhen the Lawn Warriors Strike

(and They Will)

How to Survive a

garden

gnomeattack

TEN SPEED PRESS

Berkeley


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This guide is dedicated to Janosh The Gnome Hunter Onderdonk, Captain Bjorn

Presthus, Millie Palmer, and the 126 souls on board National Airways Flight 4663.

All were brave individuals whose lives were cut short. Rest in peace, freedom fighters.

Copyright 2010 by Chuck Sambuchino

Photography 2010 by Andrew Parsons

Photograph on page 14 2010 by Sara Guren

Left photograph on page 97 iStockphoto.com/fpm

Right photograph on page 97 iStockphoto.com/logoHY

Left photograph on page 98 iStockphoto.com/MogensTrolle

Right photograph on page 98 iStockphoto.com/Pgiam

Left photograph on page 99 iStockphoto.com/-M-I-S-H-A-

Right photograph on page 99 iStockphoto.com/apz01

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Ten Speed Press, an imprint of

the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

www.crownpublishing.com

www.tenspeed.com

Ten Speed Press and the Ten Speed Press colophon are registered trademarks of

Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Sambuchino, Chuck.

How to survive a garden gnome attack : defend yourself when the lawn warriors

strike (and they will) / Chuck Sambuchino. 1st ed.

p. cm.

1. American wit and humor. I. Title.

PN6165.S26 2010

818.602dc22

2010008806

ISBN 978-1-58008-463-5

Printed in China

Cover and interior design by Betsy Stromberg

Cover photography by Betsy Stromberg

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

First Edition


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Contents

Introduction . . . . . 1

PART 1ASSESS 1 Are You at Risk?. . . . . 7 2 Suspicious Activity. . . . . 11

3 Recognizing Communication. . . . . 21

PART 2PROTECT 4 Passive FortificationArea Denial. . . . . 31

5 Gnomeproofing Your ExteriorAccess Denial. . . . . 39

6 Gnomeproofing Your InteriorInternal Defense. . . . . 47

PART 3DEFEND 7 Ten Tips That Could Save Your Life. . . . . 59

8 Their Arsenal. . . . . 67

9 Your Arsenal. . . . . 73

PART 4APPLY10 Mortal Combat. . . . . 87

11 Gnome Roam No More. . . . . 95

Acknowledgments . . . . . 106


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1

Introduction

Keep reading if you want to live.

Call them what you want. Garden gnomes. Lawn orna-

ments. Little evil outdoor statuary hell-bent on world domi-

nation. It doesnt matter. What does matter is that, right now,

theyre hiding in plain sight, pretending to be symbols of

merriment and good will. But secretly, quietly, while pushing

diminutive wheelbarrows and brandishing miniature flower-

pots, theyre planning home invasions all over the world. Per-

haps theyre in your backyard right nowand youre staring

at one while reading this. (Wait a minutedoes that gnome

look a little closer to the patio door than yesterday?)

Fear not. Now that you know theyre planning to strike,

youre much safer than you were sixty seconds ago. The next

thing to do is learn everything you can about how to protect

yourself, your loved ones, and your residence from thesemalicious garden dwellers. Do you know how to stop a gnome

from tunneling under the house? What is the best (really the


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2 How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack

only) way to combat several gnomes at once in close quarters?

How to interpret their communication? Would you recognize

the signs of a gathering hoard or an impending infiltration?

If you answered no to any of these questions, its a good thing

youre reading this handbook.

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attackis the only sur-

vival guide that instructs you on how to prevent and ward

off a home invasion and eradicate them from your prop-

erty for good. In the unfortunate event of an actual attack,

it will prepare you for battle, outlining dozens of possible

encounter scenarios and defense strategies. It is important

to read the book in its entirety for a thorough understand-

ing of what you and millions like you are dealing with. And

after youve finished reading, youll be ready to face the

pointy-capped little men waiting outside and save your own

life in the process.

If you think you have time to waste, rest assured you do

not. Right this very minute, garden gnomes are conspiring

and mobilizing in your neighborhood. This problem is not

going to go awayand never forget that gnomes cannot be

domesticated. This is war. They want you dead, and they may

succeedunless youre ready. And if you think it could never

happen to you because of who you are or where you live or

what you look like, trust me when I tell you that they have

you in their sights. It doesnt matter where you were born or

whether youre sixteen or eighty. These wily warriors are out

to exterminate humanity, one gnomeowner at a time.
http://www.randomhouse.com/crownhttp://www.randomhouse.com/crown


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Introduction

3

So before you continue, take a moment to make sure

all your doors and windows are securedthat includes pet

doors. Background or white noise in the room (a small fan

works well) is advisable to disrupt any possible enchant-

ments. Do that and then come back. Well wait. They wont.


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PART

1


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ASSESS


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7

1

Are You at Risk?

If youre reading this book, chances are youre in proximity

to garden gnomes (Gnomus hortus) and have made the most

important decision of your life: to educate yourself and take

a stand against these suburban subversives. As gnomes con-

tinue to populate the planet at an alarming rate, we are all

at risksome more than others. Some of us will have years

to wait before we have to fight a lawn gnome to the death in

single combat. Scarily, some of us have days at most before

forces clash. Your first step should be to assess the probabil-

ity level of an attack on your domicile:

Factors increasingyour risk of an attack:

For some insane reason, you actually own lawn

gnomes.

You live in a suburban or rural house.


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Your dwelling sits on secluded, wooded acreage.

You live alone.

You follow a strict routine, making it easy to predict

your comings and goings.

There are gnomeowners in your neighborhood.

Factors decreasingyour risk of an attack:

Youve never seen a garden gnome except in pictures

or on TV.

You live in an urban area with little green space.

You live in an apartment complex or high-rise.

You travel frequently.

You frequently move among your many residences

because youre rich.

You live with a large, extended family, whose

members all watch over one another.

If you possess three or more factors that increase the

likelihood of a lawn ornament onslaught, you are no doubt a

high-risk target. Stop everything youre doing and carve out

an afternoon to finish reading this book. (Even slow-witted

readers can manage thisits only 106 pages.) When youre

done, go out and buy supplies to protect yourselfthen come

back, start fortifying your home, and read this guide again.


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Are You at Risk? 9


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11

2

Suspicious Activity

According to garden gnome defense expert David Lamay,

every household assault is preceded by deep reconnaissance

and probing (DRAP). Such scrutiny increases a gnomes

chances of success as well as the chances of your burial.

Similar to thieves casing a store before a robbery, gnomes

will try and find out as much as they can about you, your

home, and your habits before mounting an offensive. Prior

to a strike, gnomes perform months or even years of recon-

naissance workscoping out every detail of your day-to-day

routine and any vulnerabilities in your residential defenses.

This pre-attack investigation is called probing, and a con-

scious gnomeowner will begin to notice unusual and disturb-

ing signs in and around the house, garden, and outbuildings

(detached garage, garden shed, pool house, etc.).

Start to think about probing in terms of location. When

they enter and explore your territorythe housetheyre

probing you. But at the same time, you can probe them right


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back. The backyard is their territory. When youre outside,

take the initiative and start assessing them. A note of caution:

Although youre fairly safe in open spaces, it is never recom-

mended to follow a gnome into the woods should you see one

leave the lawn and head for the trees. Consider this to be

crossing the Gnome Rubicon; youre on their turfin their

world. If you step out of the familiarity of your backyard and

into the black hole that is the forest, your chances of survival

decrease by 60 percent, while your odds of getting bludgeoned

to death at the thickets edge increase by 200,000 percent.

So why havent you been attacked yet? Thats a good

questiona question by someone who wants to stay alive.

The answer is theyre still evaluating the situation and

weighing the pros and cons of an attack. Perhaps you alreadyhave solid home defenses in place and didnt realize it. Per-

haps the gnomes decided to assault your neighbors first. Or

perhaps your life is on the agenda for tomorrow.

Sightings and Strange Phenomena

Things to watch for outside the house include the following:

Footprints in dirt or mud:Gnomes will try to cover

their tracks with trickery, but sometimes they will

let their guard down. If you see small shoeprints in

wet earth, you know a gnome has been prowling.


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Suspicious Activity 13

Misplaced wheelbarrow:If theyre moving tools or

stones, theyll need to use a wheelbarrow. Look for

indentations in the grass and watch for wheelbarrows

where they shouldnt be (right outside the front door

or in the middle of the driveway). Give your wheel-

barrow a quick hose blast. If you find residue on your

next inspection, thats a clue that danger is afoot.

Unexplained movement:Youre weeding a flower bed

or cutting the grass when you suddenly stop and just

stare at a lawn gnome. Your pulse quickens because

something isnt . . . quite . . . right. (Was the gnome in

the red cap sitting to the rightof the birdbath yester-

day? Was the gnome in the blue tunic always on the

bottom stepof the stairs to the deck?) What youre

feeling is a combination of adrenaline and intuition.

Pay attention.


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Sensation of being watched: Psychiatrists will say that

we cannot actually feel eyes boring into the back

of our heads, but they also insist that lawn gnomes

pose no threat to humanity whatsoeverproving

they obviously know nothing.

Homegrown produce stunted/discolored:First of all,

stop eating from your gardenimmediately. Its too

easy for a gnome to taint your homegrown tomatoes

and strawberries, and keep in mind that most gnome

potions wont wash off with a quick rinse under the

kitchen tap. Look for unusual size and coloring, dis-

turbing outgrowths, or premature rotting.

Inexplicable animal behavior: Youre not looking for

specific behaviors, but rather for baffling deviations


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from the norm. Are birds no longer coming to the

feeder? Are local nocturnal mammals (raccoons,

possums) venturing out in daylight? Is your dog bark-

ing at nothing or urinating on himself? All of these

are telltale signs of looming doom.

Possibly worse than suspecting strange goings on are

afoot outside your house is noticing alarming occurrences

happening inside your dwelling. Things to watch out for

indoors include the following:

Pipe smoke: Gnomes should know better than to

smoke inside a house, but a rare, undisciplined war-

rior may light up and give you a precious clue thatintruders have breached the perimeter.

Sawdust: Wood shavings indicate theyve entered

through a baseboard, kitchen cupboard, or bathroom

vanity, or theyre tunneling up through the floor or

down through a ceiling beam. Its time to start check-

ing attics, basements, and crawlspaces for gnome

passageways.

Toolbox missing/emptied:Your toolbox is the Holy

Grail to a gnome. Think about it. The average tool-

box contains devices perfectly designed for stabbing

and puncturing (screwdrivers, drills), bludgeoning


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(hammers, wrenches), dismembering (pliers, hand-

saws), and crushing (mallets, crowbars). Toolboxes

are rarely removed altogether because of their weight

and location (on a shelf or workbench in the garage),

but if it does turn up missingor is significantly

lighterits not the annoying neighbors kid. . . .


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Cameras/video camcorders missing/manipulated:A

gnomes greatest allies are human ignorance and

disbelief. Either we dont know theyre a threat, or

we just cant believetheyre a threat. If only we could

catch them moving on camera, we could educate the

world. Gnomes understand the potential danger, so

one of their first acts of probing will be to find and

disable any recording devices you haveincluding

video apps on your cell phoneso that, whatever

happens, you have no proof of life apart from your

injuries.

Utensils/appliances missing/moved: Have you ever

opened your utensil or cutlery drawer and wonderedwhere all the knives went? Well, now you know.

Silverware will be among the first things gnomes nab.

In addition, any small appliance with a detachable

blade (vegetable peeler, coffee grinder, blender, food

processor) must be kept under lock and key. Other

household items to keep a close watch on include

nail files, ballpoint pens, and scissors (all sizes).

House drafts: You cant understand it. You keep inching

up the thermostat yet the house remains chilly. Whats

wrong? Then you start to notice some parts of the

house are verydraftya sign that gnomes are finding

their way in. If you feel a draft or chilly gust, do your


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best to follow it to its source and try to identify the

weak point in your defenses. If youre having trouble

doing this yourself, enlist the help of your local power

company. Request an energy audit and let a profes-

sional locate the breach.

Logbook of Strange Phenomena

Keep a logbook on hand to chronicle any and all unusual

happenings inside and outside the house. As the frequency

of unusual phenomena increases, so does the likelihood of

an attack. Details to note include the following:

What was the nature of the strange event?

Where did you see this unusual occurrence?

What was the date?

What time of day was it?

Were you alone?

Were you indoors or outdoors?

If indoors, in which room or area of your house did

the sighting occur?

If outside, was the sun out? Was it raining? Describe

the temperature.

Have you seen this sign before? Is this a recurring

phenomenon?


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Although the notations may seem pointless now, if an

attack were to commence and you live to tell the tale (and

you willthink positive!), such a journal will prove invaluable

to researchers. Other gnomeowners will be able to pinpoint

a pending attack within days or even hours of the actual

eventall thanks to your thorough record keeping.


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To purchase a copy of

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack

visit one of these online retailers:
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