2

How To Have Your Better Life

Copyright © 2015 Bob Brown

The moral right of the author has been asserted. Apart from

any fair dealing for the purposes of research or private study, or criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright, Design,

and Patents Act 1988, this publication may only be reproduced,

stored or transmitted, in any form or by any means, with the prior permission of the publishers, and the author, or in the case

of reprographic reproduction in accordance with the terms of

licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency.

This e-book is published for personal use only and no part can

be edited, copied, reproduced or distributed, without the permission of the author. You may not distribute this e-book in

any way. You may not sell it, or reprint any part of it without

the written consent of the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review.

Enquiries concerning reproduction outside these terms should

be sent to the author Bob Brown at Bob.brown6@btopenworld.com

3

How To Have Your Better Life

PART 1 -HOW IS YOUR LIFE NOW?

1. How Do You Feel Right Now?

2. How Would You Like Your Life To Change?

3. So What Do We Mean By Being Happier Exactly?

4. You make Your Life-Your Life Does NOT Make YOU

PART 2- MY INVITATION TO YOU

5. Let's Open The Door To Your Personal Path

6. About The Author

7. Testimonials

PART 3- YOUR PERSONAL STEP BY STEP CHANGE

PROGRAMME

8. Loving And Accepting Yourself

9. Choosing Your Thoughts

10. Accepting The World As It Is

11. Waking Up

12. Your Energy Bank Account

13. Do Your Best But Let Go Of Outcomes

14. Pride and Ego

4

15. Grasping, Craving And Sensual Desire

16. Money And Wealth

17. Anger

18. Worry

19. Feeling Guilty

20. Choosing Your Mood

21. Do Not Let Your Resolve Be Hijacked By Other People

22. Attracting The Life That You Want

23. How The Law Of Attraction Works

24. Visualisation Is Good But take Care With Goals

25. Changing Your World

26. Simplify Your Life And Declutter

27. Take Time Out To Meditate

28. Living In The Moment- Now Is The Only Time We Have

29. Loving And Accepting Your Body

30. Loving And Accepting Others

31. Letting Go And Letting Be

32. Feeling Lucky and Being Lucky

33. Enjoying Your Better Life To The Full

5

6

PART 1 -HOW IS YOUR LIFE NOW?

1. How Do You Feel Right Now?

Does your life feel like a battle or an uphill

struggle most of the time?

Do you feel that a lot of the time your life is

frustrating and just hard work with little reward?

Do things always seem to go wrong?

Things have not turned out how you would have

wanted them to?

You don‘t have the life you would have wished for

by now?

You don‘t feel particularly happy?

This is not the life you planned for yourself when

you were growing up?

You don't seem to have much luck?

You often feel angry and resentful or jealous?

You always seem to be worrying.

You often feel guilty .

You frequently seem to be having disagreements

and arguments?

You don‘t get on with a number of people in your

life?

You feel that life is just not fair?

You sometimes feel that there must be more to

this life than this?

In fact overall your life is pretty much a

disappointment?

7

How many of those statements describe how you feel now?

Well you've got to trust me when I say it really does not have to

be this way. There really is a better life waiting for you. It is already there and you can start living it. You just need the key

to know how to unlock it. This book can give you that key.

You just need to approach your life differently. You need to

change how you think, and what you think, and everything else

will follow. You may have heard and read stuff before about how we ‗attract‘ our lives and maybe dismissed it as mumbo jumbo.

You maybe think you would have to be from another planet to

believe such notions. But, you know, we really do attract our lives and make our own lives and it is not for any supernatural

or mystical reasons that are hard to believe. The reasons why

this is so are much closer to home and in this book I will give you rational and perfectly simple explanations as to why and

how - all the time - that we are attracting the life that unfolds for us.

And don‘t think you can just opt out. ―No thanks. None of that

‗attracting your life‘ stuff for me.‖ You don‘t have any choice. Everyone is attracting their lives all the time and always have

been; they just do not necessarily know how and why they are

doing it. You are already attracting your life so don‘t think this is something you‘re not interested in starting to do. Maybe now

is the time to learn how to control what you attract in your life?

Many people naively believe that their life is being dealt to them

like playing cards and they have no control over it. But I tell you

now this is absolutely not the case. I will show you how, with your particular thoughts and attitudes you are attracting your

current life. Most importantly I will also show you how by

changing your thoughts, you can attract the life you wish for. "BOLD CLAIMS", I hear you say. But as you read this book you

will start to understand how life works and see how and why

there are so many reasons why we attract the lives we have.

Think about this: You can work towards a time when you will

8

feel able to skip and dance through life feeling happy and

content and that your life is wonderful, and that it is fun to be

you, and that you are a lucky person. How does that sound? These are not just wild promises. This book can show you how.

9

2. How Would You Like Your Life To Change?

I really do understand how you may currently be feeling unhappy, discontented and disappointed and believe me you are

not alone. The negative influences of modern Western culture is

leading vast numbers of people into the unhappiness trap.

So what are you seeking?

What are you looking to change?

How would you like things to be different?

Here are some of the ways that people express what they would

wish for. People say to me:

They would simply like to feel that their life was

OK.

They would like to live a life where they feel they

are good enough.

They would like to live a life where they do not

feel burdened by guilt and / or worry.

They would like to live a life that was fun and

joyful.

They would like to feel their life was good.

They would like to feel content with their life.

They would just like their life to be better.

They would like better relationships with some of

the important people in their life.

They would just like to be happier.

Many people enjoy their lives moment by moment and are

happy. You can be one of them. You can join them. There is

10

absolutely no reason why you too cannot feel this way. It is up to

you. There is a better life that is yours to have. It has your name

on it. You just need to unlock it. The title of this book is deliberately not 'How To Have A Better Life' It is 'How To Have

Your Better life' for a reason. This is because there already is a better life waiting for you that only you can inhabit. You just

need to start living it. It is like wanting extra space in your

house and discovering a hidden door to an annexe of rooms you did not know you had. They were there all along-you just did not

know it. As I say your better life awaits you and has your name

on it.

To give you another analogy you already have your life but you

are living it in monochrome. Black and white to us oldies. But

your life can be lived in full Technicolor and Dolby sound. It will still be you living it but it will feel very different . And going

forward it will get better and better as your new behaviour starts to attract the changes you wish for.

Now I am not saying that it will be easy for you to change; I am

not offering a quick fix and it will not be a quick job. You will have to truly and honestly want these changes for yourself, and

you will have to accept and believe what this book tells you, and

be prepared to work at it and expect some setbacks. Overnight change is not possible. You are going to need to change some of

your ways of thinking and attitudes that you have held for a very long time, but if you really commit to it you can do it. And

let me assure you the prize is huge; you really can have that

better life you desire.

And what I can guarantee is right from the outset you will start

to experience at least small improvements in your fortunes and

feelings about your life. Your life will start to feel a little better right from the outset, and will continue to improve day- by- day.

It is a great feeling when you know you have finally taken a step

in the right direction. A step towards your better life.

11

3. So What Do We Mean By Being Happier

Exactly?

We need to spend a little time on this because understanding

this is essential for understanding what you will be aiming to achieve in changing your life. There is a lot of misunderstanding

surrounding this and the terms are often misused.

Happy and happiness are extremely overworked words nowadays and occasionally the way they are used and abused

makes me cringe. I read a book last year about finding

happiness written by a Psychology Professor, who should have known better, who asserted that 'happiness' should be reserved

for a class of emotional experiences that are pleasurable and

enjoyable. He went on to pose the question as to whether the happiness one gets from eating banana cream pie is different

from the happiness one gets from eating coconut cream pie.

Let me explain why this is so missing the point. First of all

obviously eating different foods may give you temporary

pleasure but there is no food on earth that can make you happy.

More fundamentally if happiness is worth fighting for, if

happiness is worth anything at all then it must give you more

than a passing nice taste in your mouth! Happiness would not be worth much if it was so short lived and transitory. No this is

all nonsense I am afraid and the reason is you must distinguish between Pleasure and Happiness.

Pleasure is the pleasant but transient short term experience

that you experience from agreeable 'nice' external events for example from food, drink, music, art, and beauty. But

Happiness is a much more permanent state that comes from

deep inside yourself of contentment, peace, fulfilment and serenity regardless of what is occurring on the outside in your

life. In fact it is this very foundation of inner happiness which

enables you to see and notice the pleasures of your external life, but equally to accept and deal calmly with the potential

12

frustrations and disappointments. We will, of course, be

discussing in some depth how to attain this inner happiness but

very briefly it has at its roots self love and self acceptance, loving and wanting the best for the people in your life, living in

the moment, and really seeing and believing and understanding what a rich and precious gift life itself is.

Please consider the following definitions which explain the

difference between pleasure and happiness.

___________________________________________________________

Pleasure

A series of short term pleasant and agreeable experiences that

give rise to transient feelings of joy and elation and gladness

that occur as the result of external events and stimuli. Most (although not all) pleasurable experiences involve our physical

senses and thus can be described as sensual pleasures. Some examples of sensual pleasure are eating and drinking, listening

to music, reading a good book or article, looking at a beautiful

view or image, and sex. Some examples of non- sensual pleasures might be receiving a compliment or having an

interesting conversation. None of these external pleasures can

make you happy as happiness always comes from within you.

___________________________________________________________

Happiness

A semi- permanent enduring state of well- being that comes

from within and is not based on responses to external events or stimuli. It defines your mood and how you feel and act and can

be accessed when life presents challenges and disappointments

in your path. It is characterised by feelings of contentment, inner peace, serenity, fulfilment, compassion, and loving

kindness. Happiness comes from within you and is the foundation that this book will help you build.

__________________________________________________________

13

In summary Happiness is a state of inner fulfilment, a deep

state of well being, not the gratification of inexhaustible desires

for external things. In fact happiness can only ever come from within and does NOT depend on outward conditions. It depends

only on inner conditions.

I would like to close this chapter with some quotes about

Happiness for you to ponder. You will find that across

thousands of years often wiser people than me have come to the same view – that happiness depends on our mind and how we

think about the world.

‗Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.‘ Abraham Lincoln

‗Happiness does not depend on what you have or who you are; It solely relies on what you think.‘ Buddha

‗Happiness is not a possession to be prized, it is a quality of thought, a state of mind.‘ Daphne du Maurier

‗Everybody in the world is seeking happiness—and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn‘t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions. It isn‘t what you have or who you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.‘ Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People

‗Nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so.‘ Shakespeare

‗Very little is needed to make a happy life, it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.‘ Marcus Aurelius

14

4. You make Your Life-Your Life Does NOT Make

YOU

Most people believe that their life is dealt to them like a hand in

cards. It is all just luck what cards you get. The life that is imposed on you is set in stone. But this is just not true.

I want to give you an analogy that I have seen so many times in

business. It is often said that it is the person who makes the job and not the job that makes the person. Whenever the person

doing a job changes then suddenly the job changes. You look at

one incumbent and they may be for example permanently stressed, taking work home, always tense and working in the

evenings disrupting their home life. They never seem to have

the time to talk to their team and co workers or customers. Alternatively they may find the work unrewarding and maybe

even boring. They count off the days until they can get away from this job. And then suddenly that person moves on and is

replaced by someone new. And when you change the person

who does a job, you also change the job. From day one the new incumbent seems to be relaxed and enjoying the job. The job

immediately looks different. They seem to have set different

priorities. They have time to network with co-workers and talk to customers. They seem to have control over the demands of the

job but at the same time give an air of confidence that they have the important things covered. They actually seem to be enjoying

it and walk around with a smile on their face!

The previous incumbent may still be around in another capacity and would look on at their replacement in wonderment. How on

earth can they appear to be enjoying their old job so much? Why

could they not be so fulfilled and content in that job?

And so it is with life. You put someone else in your life in your

place, if you can imagine that for a moment, and hey presto you

get a different life. Your life, that you believe to be so set in stone, would suddenly look very different. Many of the things

you may not like about your current life they do not notice or are

15

not an issue to them. But many other things about your life that

you never noticed they think are great and are grateful for

them. And so it goes on. They are seeing positives that you never did or could.

16

PART 2- MY INVITATION TO YOU

5. Let's Open The Door To Your Personal Path

So we have now reached a watershed moment. A point beyond

which nothing needs to be the same as before. Are you going to accept the Key and unlock the door to your better life, or are you

going to just muddle along as you have before? This book which

has landed in your hands or on your e-reader at this precise moment for whatever reason contains the answers to how you

can have that better life so I implore you not to turn down this

opportunity.

What will be on the other side of this door? There will be a path

for you to follow which will be exciting and rewarding and

satisfying and from the very beginning you will start to feel some benefits. It will be a long journey but your life will feel

better and better as you progress and you will reach levels of happiness that you never believed could happen to you. I am

going to take you somewhere very special that is in all of us.

What have you got to lose really? What is there not to like? You can proceed as fast or slow as you like. Why not give it a try?

You owe it to yourself.

The rest of this book will be your map and contains all the guidance you need about everything you need to do to be happy

and have your better life. You will not need to read any other books unless you wish to. This guidance consists of a list of

behaviours and practices which you will need to adopt to

transform your life. There will be also be further help and support available to you through the contacts provided in the

final chapter.

There is a little repetition in this book and this is deliberate so that each chapter can be read in isolation if you choose to skip

ahead as some readers like to do to focus on a particular topic.

Occasionally the same point may apply to two different chapters and where this is the case you may find some repetition. In fact

17

you will find that this book contains a number of consistent

themes running throughout and after a while you will hopefully

start to be able to predict for yourself the way to behave in different situations , and how to see and deal with different

issues and problems.

I recommend that you do not read more than one chapter in a

day, but instead spend some time pondering and thinking about

each chapter and what it means for you to implement the guidance.

I am not a great fan of jargon but we need a term going forward

that collectively describes in one word all of these practices and behaviours, and the term that is often applied to them is being

spiritual or spiritual behaviour. I hasten to add that this has

nothing to do with spirits and spiritualism which is something quite different. Neither does being spiritual have anything to do

with any religion. I implore you to approach this with an open mind and not allow this term to put you off.

The term spiritual behaviour and being spiritual is usually

understood to cover a group of practices and behaviours which include loving yourself, feeling love and compassion for others,

practising loving kindness, living in the moment, practising

meditation and cultivating inner peace and serenity. I would therefore like us also to adopt this term spiritual as meaning all

of the practices and behaviours that will be covered in the remainder of this book.

On your side you are going to need to really commit to and

believe in this spiritual journey. Trust me the practices described in this book WORK. But you now are going to have to

take my word on that. You are going to have to have faith in

what this book is telling you. But I can assure you that everyone who has embarked on this spiritual journey, without exception,

has seen results. The next chapter contains a few testimonials

from readers of earlier versions of this book. I do not want you to take just my word for how powerful this approach to changing

18

your life will be , but to also read see some reviews and

experiences of others who have gone before you.

I now sincerely invite you to make the commitment to read the

remainder of this book and put the guidance into practice in your life. I really hope you will do this as I am confident it will

change your life for the better.

19

6. About The Author

So who is Bob Brown?

Before I can persuade you to do something as drastic as changing your life you are probably wondering who am I? What

qualifies me to write such a book? How do I know so much about

it! I do not blame you and it is absolutely legitimate for you to question this.

So let me tell you a little about myself. I live in England and am now retired but originally was an engineering graduate and

worked my professional life in IT computer systems design and

operations. I graduated with a Masters degree in Electronics from the University of Southampton. I have during my life

evolved from someone who was perhaps very logical and

scientific to someone who is also aware of the spiritual dimensions to life.

For the past 20 years I have been avidly searching and seeking

and read a great many so called 'self help' or ' self development' books. I have studied Buddhism, emotional and spiritual

intelligence, and the so called 'Law Of Attraction' and given a lot of thought to comparing different views, philosophies and

approaches. I have researched these topics in depth and

discussed them widely with a network of kindred spirits and followers to whom I am grateful.

But more importantly I have personally been very lucky to live

a very full and happy life. For many years I have been putting into practice the advice contained in this book and have proven

what works. I have tried to 'practice what I preach' and written this book from personal experience. I am also very lucky

to be happily married and my wife Liz is a kindred spirit who

also has the same beliefs as myself and puts them into practice and has been very helpful and inspirational to me in developing

20

my own beliefs.

I have been lucky enough to find a moment by moment joyous

love of live and my motivation is to try to help others find this same happiness. I have many hobbies (too many!) and have an

overwhelming enthusiasm for life and would love to spread some of my enthusiasm around. Life can and should be fun and

every moment can be a joy.

I practise meditation and mindfulness and similar methods, and believe in the importance of regular exercise, to expand

consciousness and generate feelings of well being.

I wrote my first book 'How To Be Happy' in 2012 which has been very successful around the world , and my second 'The

Key-Unlock Your Better life' in 2014 which is on worldwide sale

through most major e-book sellers. So I guess I would describe myself as a self-development book author. I have a Facebook

page called 'How To Be Happy' which is aimed at supporting my books and also delivers daily inspirational messages of

wisdom which encourage like minded kindred spirits who are

trying to follow these spiritual practices and beliefs in their daily lives. I am delighted that this Facebook page now has over

22,000 followers from all around the world. I run a popular

website Life-Howtobehappy.com from where you can download my books.

But rather than me telling you about myself I would rather share with you what other readers and followers have said

about previous editions of this book.

21

7. Testimonials

I am sharing with you just a few of the many testimonials I have received from followers of this book. These are included not

for my own glorification but to help convince you to trust and

follow the approach yourself. I do not want you to take just my word for how powerful this approach to changing your life will

be , but to also read see some reviews and experiences of others

who have gone before you.

_______________________________

This is an essential read for everyone in the western world - regardless of age , gender or class this is a gem of a read - insightful , motivating , clear , sincere and simple to understand - Bob has clearly taken the time to study and research this complex subject and then added his own wisdom and heart to ensure this is a helpful guide to something we all seek but rarely find. So take the time and read it at least twice and follow the ideas and try the structure and approach - it works - as simple as that. AR

_______________________________

After ―How to be happy‖, Bob Brown has produced another fantastic book. The 30 chapters are easy to read and provide effective advice on how to evolve our old thinking and behaving patterns into new ones that are more conducive to happiness. Bob's work takes elements from many schools of thought, philosophies and religions and catalyses them into pragmatic and agnostic advice that can be practiced by any one, regardless of their convictions. The 30 chapters give the reader enough material to learn and practice while structuring the content so one does not feel overwhelmed by the wealth of knowledge and sound advice. I enjoyed reading the book and putting its advice into practice. This is certainly a must read for ―searchers and seekers‖ and, in general, anyone looking for new perspectives in life.

22

Thank you, Bob! TRM

___________________________________ This is a fantastic book! It takes the best from many schools of thought of self-improvement and puts them all together in one package. Overriding it all is acceptance and mindfulness; two 'therapies' with exceptional results against depression, over-eating, addictions and anxiety. There is also a focus on letting go of the ego and self-obsession and seeing the bigger picture. The Law of Attraction is de-mystified and is sensibly presented. The book is well-written and easy to read. It is very well structured as you are to only read a chapter at a time until you grasp its contents and apply them. My only problem with the book is that although it gives you the advice it is not always easy to apply and the author seems to assume that because he has told you to do it, you should, you will and, most importantly, you will be able to which unfortunately is not always the case with deep rooted conditions such as negative thinking and low self-esteem. I will read this book again and take my time and practise the chapters contents as I really believe it is a life-changer as it is the crème de la crème of all the self-help strategies out there. I thoroughly recommend this book. AM (Reviewer for Love Reading)

______________________________________

Well... I didn't mean to read How To Have A Better Life in one go. I started it last night and just could not put it down. It felt like stepping stones in a river...I got to the middle and wanted to get to the other side so had to read on. I shall now reread it as recommended, one chapter a day.

I think it is a little gem- clear, concise yet with just enough illustrative examples to show how the principles can be applied to all situations experienced by us all and as such it has universal appeal. We have all been in the restaurant with the guy happy in his own skin and the guy who isn't and have all

23

probably been both at some point in our lives.

Prisoner of thought is a powerful perception - and as so often with any addictive behaviour the first steps to 'cure' involve recognising the problem accepting it and deciding you really want to change that behaviour to enable you to be receptive to putting in place strategies to do that. As you rightly say, what's not to like? The way you write - as if you are talking to someone face to face and on a personal level - makes these skills of managing thought, attracting the life you want, visualisation etc. feel attainable to all.

The book made me think of thought as an interface between the individual and the world. Change the interface and you change your and others' world. The more defensive the thought, the more aggressive the individual appears to the world; the calmer, more serene, open, generous, and accepting approach inspires and begets those reflections from the world.

What struck me was not only your observation of thought (inward) but also of the world, life and the interdependence between the two. I loved this book. Thank you for the gift of the book and the even greater gift of its lifelong message . LR

24

PART 3- YOUR PERSONAL STEP BY STEP

CHANGE PROGRAMME

8. Loving And Accepting Yourself

‗Self -worth is so vital to your happiness. If you don't feel good about you, it's hard to feel good about anything else.‘ Mandy Hale.

This chapter may unsettle you a bit and make you feel uncomfortable but if it does, then it is a sign that you have

taken the first step in your personal transformation towards happiness. I assert that there is no other path or route towards

happiness than this first step. I do not want you to read beyond

this chapter until you understand it, believe it, and have started making the affirmations at the end. Indeed there would be no

point to skip further ahead until you have assimilated the

concepts in this chapter.

The foundation to developing happiness is to love and accept

yourself. You cannot make progress if you have issues about your own self worth and lack self approval and self confidence.

You will be stuck in the starting blocks unless you really accept

this assertion and act on it to change how you think about yourself.

People look at others who they mistakenly believe are more

fortunate and say, ―Well I would be happy if I was them!‖ People say, ―I could be happy if I was you. Try being me for a

day and see how that feels!‖ Well if that sounds like you then

that stops here and now.

I want you to make a new best friend now and that is you. You

cannot make progress until you understand and really believe that you are the best friend that you have. I know at first that is

going to sound weird but trust me for now and try it. Take you

new best friend out with you for the next day or so and feel immediately how much nicer life is.

25

Now I want you consider what it would mean to love yourself. I

do not mean loving ourselves in a narcissistic and vain way but

in the sense of treating ourselves and having a relationship with ourselves that is just like the one we would have with another

person who was ‗the love of our life‘.

Self care and self love are fundamental; not in an arrogant and

egotistical sense but in the sense of self approval and

acceptance. You are good enough.

Listen to how you talk to yourself-is it kind? - and ask yourself

would you talk to a friend that way? Extend the same care and

love to yourself as you would to others. When you make an effort and do something worthy e.g. maybe an early morning run

before work, or perhaps spending a morning visiting an elderly

relative, then take a moment to congratulate yourself and acknowledge your achievement or generosity.

Value yourself rather than trying to find validation through others.

Get to know yourself. Enjoy your own company. Many people‘s

lives are lived in such a whirlwind of social interaction and social networking, always searching for approval and

endorsement from others, that they never spend any time alone

or just being themselves. People become almost afraid of being on their own as if it indicates they are a social failure or reject.

Time spent on your own just ‗being‘ is more than just desirable, it is vital to maintaining who you are, and maintaining your

confidence and knowing yourself. It also gives you the time and

opportunity away from the constant bombardment of life to review your personal choices that are shaping your life. You

must enjoy your own company for other people to enjoy your

company. You must enjoy spending time with yourself for other people to enjoy spending time with you.

You should feel that it is fun being you, and that you are lucky to be you, and that there is no one else you would rather be. You

26

are doing an important job that no one else can do – being you!

You know that we are all different and what a good thing that

is. How boring would it be if we were all the same. So celebrate who you are and never think for a second that you should be

more like someone else. Never try to be 'normal'-there is no normal. Never try to be like 'everybody else'.

This step is so crucial and imperative because we must love

ourselves before we can unconditionally love anyone else. We have to love ourselves for others to love us. Others will treat you

the way you treat yourself. You should not find identity in love

from someone else. If we measure ourselves by how much someone else loves us then we give away our self worth.

Part of loving ourselves is accepting ourselves. You must learn

to accept yourself. Like yourself. Approve of yourself. You are good enough. Cut yourself some slack. Take a healthy pride in

your talents and cultivate a realistic appreciation of your good qualities. Know and believe that you are 'as good as everyone

else'. A strong sense of self worth and self esteem is the basis of

an anxiety free life. Self- liking is the foundation for happiness.

When you build up your self esteem you become less ‗needy‘ of

others. Do not obsess about what other people think about you.

When people contact me at How To Be Happy who are desperately unhappy, perhaps due to problems with an

unfaithful partner, or maybe because they are experiencing constant anxiety or anger, it is noticeable that these emotions

are always accompanied by low self esteem. People literally give

up taking care of themselves and it is as if their self esteem is so low they no longer think they are worth taking care of.

If you are the sort of person who is very hard on yourself, then

be prepared to let yourself make mistakes and to encourage yourself when you do. That does not mean excusing yourself, but

remember we are all ‗works in progress‘ and you can be open to

yourself and others that this is the case. Everyone has worries and concerns, and suffers from lack of confidence. Many people

27

worry about their popularity and being liked. Almost everyone

worries about their appearance. You are not alone with any of

these traits.

Don‘t take yourself too seriously. Practice humility. This means

having the ability to face ourselves honestly and examine our own behaviour and when we are wrong, to admit it to ourselves

and others. In our relationships, being open and honest about

our own failings where this is appropriate marks us out as someone who is confident, honest and free of their ego.

I would like to take this up a gear now. I would like you to

consider a new way of thinking about this topic. We hear so much about looking for love, and finding love in this life. But

you know when you do find love with someone else; it is because

that person is awakening the love that is inside you. And when you start to learn to truly love yourself you are going to discover

that the greatest love of all is inside you. There is a love song by Whitney Houston with the title 'The Greatest Love Of All'

which is about searching for love that actually celebrates this

very point.

It is from this unbounded reservoir of love that is within you

that, when you discover it, you will be able to draw from to be

able to give out love to others.

Before we leave this topic I need to add that you must be careful

not to confuse self indulgence and other undesirable emotions driven by your ego, with loving yourself.

(The term ego here refers to the part of the conscious mind that

tends to defend and align with the ‗self‘ and can give rise to an exaggerated sense of self importance or conceit, or excessive

pride.)

None of the following list of emotions are healthy and conducive to being happy. These emotions are the result of lack of

confidence or driven by the ego. Loving and accepting yourself

IS NOT ABOUT:

28

Vanity.

Narcissism.

Ego.

Trying to Impress others.

Showing off.

Trying to impress others.

Boasting.

Arrogance.

Thinking you are better than everyone else.

Thinking you are superior.

*********************************

From now onwards I would like you to make these

affirmations every day.

Affirmations

From now onwards I will love myself a little

more each day.

I love and accept myself completely.

I am good enough.

My best friend is me and that is how I will

treat myself.

I take care of myself.

I would like to close this chapter with a quote:

'You wait a lifetime to meet someone who understands you, accepts you as you are. At the end , you find that someone, all along, has been you.' Richard Bach.

29

9. Choosing Your Thoughts

You may have heard the expression that you are what you eat.

Well actually that was wrong; you are what you think.

The next step on the path to happiness is to understand and

really believe that it is possible and necessary to manage your

thoughts rather than letting them control you.

In modern life we are subjected to constant bombardment from

all directions of 'noise' from media in all its forms trying to get your attention. On top of this our own sub-conscious minds

generate a constant chatter of conditioned and habitual

thoughts that unchallenged will prevent you from ever having the chance to be there for and to experience the moment. You

need to start to see that this is happening, and start to learn

how to control your thoughts for yourself i.e. with your conscious mind. You will need to be able to turn off the constant chatter

so that you can start to apply fresh conscious thoughts to every moment and start to really see what the real situations are for

yourself; a process that is sometimes called seeing reality. One

practice that is universally acknowledged to be helpful in training the mind in this way is meditation and I will cover this

later in Chapter 27.

You need to start to be able to observe your mind using your pure consciousness, and see how it constantly offers up

interpretations of external events which are often negative, or

conditioned views and habitual reactions.

Do not believe everything you think.

Just because you have a thought – which is often a conditioned

reaction anyway- IT DOES NOT MAKE IT TRUE.

I really urge you to start to NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING THAT YOU THINK.

Let me say it again; just because you think something does not

30

make it true.

Choose your thoughts with care

You can and should choose your thoughts with care because

what you think controls how you feel, and how you feel controls how you see the world, both overall and moment by moment.

People look for and want peace and harmony in their world. But

you have to understand that you need to look inside yourself to find it. If you are at peace and relaxed on the inside then you

will find that the outside world that you see will be more at

peace.

You may not fully understand this yet but you really do create

your life with your thoughts. Further what you are thinking

now is creating your future life. Happiness does not come from events and what happens but from within. You really can

decide in advance whether you are going to have a good or bad day and through your own thoughts and actions attract the

commensurate result. Later when I cover the so called Law of

Attraction I will show you how and why you attract your life with your thoughts, and how you can attract the life you wish

for.

Your thoughts and how you see the world.

When you are able to observe your mind‘s behaviour, rather than being run by it and blindly accepting it, you will see that it

constantly offers up thoughts which rise to the surface and

which can be allowed simply to dissolve away again. Once we have understood this we have taken an important step towards

inner peace as our thoughts have lost their power to unsettle

and control us.

Much of what we think and how we initially see a situation

comes from negative motivations especially anger, craving / greed, aversion / prejudice and our ego. Try to understand that

these are just thoughts and are transitional and have no

substance in reality. Taking anger as an example, when you

31

experience an angry reaction to an external event, you can

choose to ignore it and allow it to gently dissolve away again. In

reality, anger has no substance of its own, and does not have to be allowed to sweep us away and cause us to lose control. Once

you develop this skill anger has lost its potential power over you. Filter it out and replace it with a positive thought about the

situation.

I would like you to think about the following everyday example which illustrates how the way we initially and instinctively

think about a situation is not necessarily the truth or the

reality.

The phone rings at home. Immediately your mind will tell you

who it wants it to be for its own selfish reasons and its belief

that it can control events in your life. But when you answer it you find instead that it is an elderly person, perhaps even a

close relative, who wants some information or help. Your mind goes into overdrive. It immediately casts a black cloud over your

consciousness. You are too busy. You do not have the time. Why

me? Why now of all times?

The harder you try to dig deep and do the nice thing and give

this person some quality time, the more your mind will be

frantically tipping sack loads of negative thoughts over you about how you need to bring this to a rapid conclusion as it is a

complete waste of your time.

But what is the reality? In truth you probably can afford a few

minutes-what were you doing before that was so precious? See

that your mind does not really know how valuable this conversation will be or not be to you or the elderly person. Just

because you have such a strong response from your mind it does

not mean that it is true or reality. You are in control - not your mind. Don‘t tolerate that old selfish and predictable reaction.

Here is an alternative way of thinking about this situation which is much closer to the reality:

32

―I am going to give this person some time and really listen to

them because I have learned that if I give people time and truly,

actively listen, I will nearly always find out something that is interesting, stimulating and possibly pleasurable and of

benefit.‖ Say to yourself, ―I now live in the moment. I know that I am lucky to be here at all to have this conversation and by the

end of it even if it was not that valuable to me I can almost

guarantee that it will have been useful to the caller and in all probability the highlight of their day. And the positive energy

that was created during the call will enhance my own well being

and self esteem for the remainder of my day.‖

Be careful how you hold your opinions

Be careful how strongly you hold your opinions and how sure you are that your view of the world and how things should be is

the ‗right‘ one especially as you get older. Develop the wisdom to know that issues are rarely ‗black and white‘ and that ‗things

change‘ and that there are different ways of seeing things none

of which are necessarily ‗right‘ or ‗wrong‘. Have the wisdom to know that there are always two sides to everything. And really

try to understand the other point of view and how that point of

view might arise regardless of whether you agree with it.

When making a case or expressing a view do not become

personally aligned with the view. A view or opinion is just that –a view. You are not that view or defined by it. There are two

sides to everything and very little is black and white. Some say

there is no right or wrong - just different ways of looking at things. Obviously you can conjure up an extreme example where

the moral position appears cut and dried but in general it is true

that most issues and debates are a complicated moral maze.

So do not make winning a debate or argument a matter of pride

and ego. Just calmly state your view without emotion and

mentally shrug your shoulders and think that you hold your view, they are entitled to theirs, and there is no reason why

someone else‘s view should cause anger to you. Under different

33

circumstances you could just as easily be putting the case for

the opposite view!

Be Humble

Understand that if you are successful and a high achiever it is because you are merely standing on the shoulders of those that

gone before you in your field or business. You personally have

invented very little of the knowledge and skills that you have and apply. The river of human knowledge and human ingenuity

is merely flowing through you. If you are for example a great

musician you owe so much to the people before you who have created the music, to the people who have educated and

encouraged you, and to the people who have made your

instruments, and to your audience or customers who finance your lifestyle and enable you to follow your chosen field. You

owe everything to the people who have worked in your field before, and in all probability to your parents who have given you

the example, role models, love and encouragement to learn and

facilitated and provided your education. A spiritual high achieving person does not feel the need to bully or belittle others

below them; they do not feel smug and elite, rather they use

their position of power or privilege to inspire and encourage others and to give something back.

34

10. Accepting The World As It Is

‗Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.‘ Wayne Dyer

The world is as it is – not how you think it should be or how you would like it to be. It is as it is. Accept it and be grateful you are

here to see it at all. Do not look for or expect any natural justice

in the universe. There isn‘t any - and neither is there a referee.

There that was short and sweet wasn‘t it? But this is also so

fundamental that until you accept, understand and believe this basic truth you cannot make any further progress. If you do not

accept this basic truth rather than learning ‗How life works‘,

you will instead spend your life struggling with and fighting life‘s events and be at odds with the people in your life and will

be constantly irritated and disappointed that your life is not as

your mind wishes it to be, or thinks it should be. I want to help you understand how the world works so that you can work with

it, as it is, rather than fighting it and being constantly

disappointed and frustrated.

I appeal to you to realise and understand that this is what you

are doing - fighting life and the world. Your emotional and mental energy and resources are being consumed and wasted by

this fighting moment by moment. You cannot be happy and

have inner peace if you are always fighting this battle.

If you spend your time and energy hoping for things to be other

than they are, or wondering why or how something has

happened then you are lost. I ask you to really understand that it is absolutely futile and irrational to fight something that

already is. It means that you are opposing life itself. Start living and embracing your real life, not the fictional version that it is

in your head and see how things start working for you rather

than against you.

Do not struggle with life - accept life is as it is and not as you

35

would wish it to be. Enjoy the ride and go with the flow.

Nowadays we are lucky to live long lives living in rich nations

surrounded by comforts, safety, technology, and abundance and are extremely fortunate on a scale that few appreciate and

absolutely not typical or representative of the lives experienced by our predecessors, nor probably by those who will succeed us.

Actually you can change the world-or at least the version of it

that you see and experience i.e. your world and I will show you how in Chapter 25.

36

11. Waking Up

OK remembering what I said about not believing everything

that you think, and understanding the need to choose your

thoughts carefully we are now going to take this concept up a gear. Sadly many people today are instead living in a brain

washed trance and they don't know it. We describe this mode of

thinking, or rather not thinking, as conditioned thought. They are blindly obeying what society tells them to do, how to speak,

how to behave, and what to think. They are obediently following society‘s unrelenting conditioning through parental example,

television, magazines, education, peer pressure, and cultural

norms. They desperately want to be the same, be ‗normal‘, be ‗cool‘, to 'conform' and be accepted. The result is that they see a

false reality and believe it to be authentic. For example they

actually start to believe that it really matters that their bodies conform to a society ‗norm‘, or worse conform to a media

promoted mythical standard of beauty and thinness that is

anything but ‗normal‘ or widely attainable. They actually start to believe that they must dress in a certain way, talk in a

certain way, have enough friends on their social networking sites etc . The list is endless.

They accept without question many values and assertions of our

society such as wealth and money make you happy, that life is not fair, that you need to drink alcohol to enjoy yourself and

have a good time, that you should always have company or be in

touch with as many people as possible at all times through social networking and so on. That you must always be being

entertained or amused by something, or else life is 'boring'. Again the list is endless.

Even more damaging society teaches them that they should be

driven by the ‗Self, Me, I‘ agenda, and be a slave to their ego, and thereby be unhappy most of the time believing what their

ego‘s perspective tells them. They are indoctrinated to see

37

themselves as the centre of the universe and the need to ' look

after number one' rather than seeing that we are all joined, and

interdependent and linked in so many ways .

We are encouraged to find problems in situations where really

there aren't any - not in the greater scheme of things. We get into the habit of allowing our mood to be hijacked several times

a day or worse by what our minds interpret as undesirable

experiences for example the slightly critical remark we receive, the slight joke at our expense, getting wet in a rain shower, the

small scratch on our car and so on. But who says these are

things that we should allow to upset us? What if we were able to just shrug them all off? Would there really be any problem with

that?

We are encouraged to believe that it is normal to spend most of our lives remembering and analysing and perhaps regretting

the past, or imagining, planning and worrying about the future rather than living in and enjoying the present and we do not

ever question this.

This is all a false reality, and there is no easy way to say this but in order to attain that happiness that you are seeking you

have got to stop running on autopilot. You have to start

thinking for yourself and really start to try to see reality for yourself rather than just blindly repeating conditioned thought.

Of course this is not easy because you are fighting a lifetime of conditioning but once the light bulb in your mind lights up and

sees that there are other ways -exciting new and fresh ways of

seeing things then the worst is over.

Of course we are not born with this false reality. Arguably

children are born with the ability for free independent thought

and are born feeling unconditional love, have no ego, and living in the moment. As children grow, we observe them being

contaminated and brainwashed. Our challenge is to undo this

conditioning in ourselves.

It is sad that so many younger people nowadays feel that they

38

need mind changing or mind numbing drugs for life to feel good

and be enjoyable. Others are bored or depressed or lethargic and

unmotivated. This wonderful gift of life seems lost on them. What a tragedy. They say that youth is wasted on the young and

sometimes it does seem like it. When you are old it is common to realise that life is just so precious and miraculous and the older

you get the more precious it becomes. Wake up now and don't

wait until you are old or losing your health before you see the reality that every second of consciousness and life is just the

most magical and wonderful gift.

Yet another problem with never turning off the chatter and living your life of conditioned thought on auto pilot is that there

is no chance to listen to your intuition. Intuition is our 6th sense

and is an essential part of steering the course of a happy life. Part of living a happy life is following your heart and intuition.

You must recognise the power of your intuition to guide you. There is a voice inside all of us that knows what is best for us

more than anybody else. But you have to wake up and start

thinking for yourself before you can hear it. Follow it. We all know deep down whether something is right and good. This may

well be because a moral code is our genetic inheritance. An

intuitive sense of what is good for the general benefit of the community or group has conveyed survival advantage in our

evolution. Many people have become deaf to their instincts. Following your instincts and intuition is far more likely than

using reasoning and logic to lead to making the right decisions

for you and your happiness. Pay attention to your 'gut feelings'. If something does not feel right , walk away..

39

12. Your Energy Bank Account

So what or who are we really? Arguably merely a continuum of consciousness and the cumulative product of what we have

previously thought. Yes that is right; that is quite a concept isn‘t

it? You are the product of everything that you have previously thought. Even private thoughts that no one else knows about.

Maybe especially private thoughts. So all that negative emotion

takes its toll on you. Just like excessive drinking or smoking gradually leaves their mark on you so do negative thoughts.

Your conscious mind may well forget your lapses into negative emotions but your sub-conscious mind does not. Gradually

negative thoughts and negative emotion will change your

personality and disposition i.e. the prevailing tendency of your spirits and emotional outlook and mood. Since we are the

cumulative product of what we have thought every incident of,

for example aggression, jealousy or anger is a setback in the quest for serenity and happiness.

The reason for this is that all thoughts are habit forming. So the

more negative thinking you do the more this will become your habit and your automatic response to situations. The more this

will be the way you see and interpret future situations. But the good news is that it is possible to redress the balance

particularly because your more recent thoughts will be more

relevant and have more of an impact than older ways of thinking that you may have once had.

So I want you to imagine two energy bank accounts in your

mind. Every time you are have negative thoughts then you will be making deposits in the negative energy account and every

time you are having positive thoughts you are making deposits in the positive energy account.

Positive Energy Account:

Causing your feelings of happiness

So first here is a list of type of thoughts and emotions that are

40

being deposited in your positive energy account.

Acceptance

Accepting Yourself

Amusement And Laughter

Appreciating Beauty

Awakeness

Awareness

Compassion

Confidence

Empathy

Enthusiasm

Excitement

Fun

Generosity

Gladness

Gratefulness

Hope

Humble

Humility

Joy

Kindness

Love

Loving Yourself

Peaceful

Savouring Each Moment

41

Self Esteem

Serenity

Tranquillity

Wanting The Best For Others

Grand Total Positive Energy =Pos

Negative Energy account :

Causing your feelings of unhappiness

And now here is a list of type of thoughts and emotions that are

being deposited in your negative energy account.

Anger

Boredom

Bragging

Craving

Defeatism

Desire

Envy

Fear

Frustration

Guilt

Hopelessness

Inadequacy

Inferiority

Insecurity

Jealousy

42

Lack of Confidence

Lying & Deceiving

Lusting

Pessimism

Pride

Regret

Resentment

Self Pity

Showing off

Sorrow

Unappreciative

Ungratefulness

Worry

Grand Total Negative Energy= Neg

Clearly the account that you feed the most will be the larger and will become your predominant disposition. Now ask yourself

honestly if you were to add up the total thinking that you do in

each account and then subtract the Neg from the Pos what would your balance be?

Pos minus Neg = Your Energy Net Balance.

Now all ways of thinking are habit forming and thereby attract

more of the same i.e. they attract more situations that you will

see and interpret in the same way. So your life will seem and feel that way. If your overall Energy Net Balance is itself

negative i.e. you spend more time thinking negative thoughts than positive ones then this will attract and shape your life in

that direction. Put another way the more we practise negative

43

thinking the better we become at it! But the good news is that

you can start to redress the balance and start making big

deposits in the Positive account and that, if you like, is what this book is about.

Of course we are only human and from time to time we will have lapses and regress. But gradually you will learn to intersect

these negative emotions when they occur and nip them in the

bud and replace them with positive thoughts about the situation.

44

13. Do Your Best But Let Go Of Outcomes

I want to show you a different way to think about effort. A fundamental ingredient to being a happy and contented person

is that with every human activity you must LET GO OF THE

OUTCOME. It is always the positive energy, the good mental attitude, the effort, the good karma if you like that you put into

a job that is also the result of the job, and NOT the physical

outcome. This is because it is what you personally put into a job that will be the lasting effect of the job in terms of contributing

to how you feel afterwards-not the physical outcome. By all means derive satisfaction from a completed quality job but

always know that it is the effort that counts, i.e. do your best

and let go of the outcome.

You will know how sometimes when you finish a substantial job

for example it might have been decorating a room or (for the

more ambitious) installing a new bathroom, that finishing can often seem like an anticlimax. It can often be that you realise

that you actually enjoyed doing the project more than the

pleasure you get from the end result. And this is why I assert that it is what you put into a job that will contribute to how you

feel afterwards. It is also the positive energy that you have put into the job, and thereby deposited in your positive energy

account, that will have contributed to shaping your personality

and enduring overall happiness. To give you an example in my life I have done lot of DIY and moved around a lot and I no

longer even own or have access to the vast majority of the DIY

projects that I have completed so I cannot derive long term satisfaction and well being from the physical outcome of my

work, only from the positive energy that I put into those projects.

Importantly I am freeing you here and now from all results that

you would previously have viewed as failures or unsuccessful. These are delusions of the mind. If you have done your best and

put positive energy into a job then with respect to your

happiness and well being it is a success regardless of the

45

physical outcome.

Let me give you an example: Your car needs repairing. You have

never done this particular job before but you read about how to do it on the Internet and assess that you have the requisite

experience and competence to tackle the job. You maybe also talk to a more experienced friend. You gather up what you think

will be the necessary tools. You put on appropriate old clothes.

You agree with those around you that you are going to concentrate on this job for the period of time that you estimate

that it will take. You then settle down and attempt the work in

a relaxed and positive frame of mind in a methodical and organised manner. When you get the affected area stripped

down you find that the problem is not quite as you expected.

You know that this sort of situation is common in life and it has no power to annoy you or disturb your inner peace. You maybe

are going to need another specialist tool that you are going to need to borrow or rent. You maybe need some additional

replacement components. It becomes clear that you are not

going to be able to finish the job today. Or maybe you realise that for various reasons you will never be able to finish the job

yourself and must put it all back together and take the car to a

garage. All the time you were enjoying the challenge, interested in the engineering, enjoying the privilege of living and breathing

and accumulating more experience and learning.

Now was that a failure or a success? It is absolutely a success

because at the end of it the positive attitude that you invested

for the duration has made you a happier person. You smile and shrug your shoulders with the wisdom that sometimes you

achieve your objective and sometimes you don't and that is all

part of the endless fascination of life. The physical result is not the result of the job because although you did your best YOU

CANNOT CONTROL OUTCOMES. Physical outcomes are life

and you know by now that you must accept life as it is –not as you wish it to be. Of course you would have wanted to get that

job finished but you accept that does not always happen.

46

All you have to do in life is get up each day and do your best.

Try to operate with skill and to the best of your ability applying

your knowledge and experience but you must LET GO OF THE OUTCOMES. You cannot control them and that is about

accepting the world as it is. Understand that if at the time you always try to do your best, and to want the best for those around

you, then there is no such thing as failure. All there is - is LIFE

and experiences.

You need to be mentally and physically active to be happy and

content. You get out of life what you put in more or less on a

daily basis. There is very little inertia. You must keep interested in, and stimulated by, a variety of projects and activities

whatever they are. You also must maintain the vitality of each

of your activities by continuing to be consciously aware of where you are going next in the development of each.

You should pit your wits and talents against the job or game, to the best of your abilities and to your full potential, and enjoy the

mental challenge. Ultimately there is little difference between

playing an intellectual game, or playing a sport to the best of your ability to doing a job to the best of your ability. Be

passionate about what you get involved in and do.

As with any living thing, plant or animal, there is no option of stagnation. You must keep exploring and learning, and

growing; the alternative is atrophy, decay and withering.

You have heard the saying ‗Seize the Day‘ and this is a good

adage. Do not fritter the day away-set some objectives and form

a plan of what you hope to do. It does not matter if unexpected things occur which divert you from your plan. The important

thing is to approach the day with healthy intent and positive

energy.

47

14. Pride and Ego

The delusion of self is one of the most powerful of human instincts and one of the most potent sources of feeling wounded,

becoming defensive and of retaliation. Selfishness or rather the

feeling that we are the centre of the universe i.e. self centeredness is the root of most of our undesirable and

destructive thoughts. The manifestation of this massive

overemphasis on the self is excessive pride and in being driven by our ego. In our day-to-day lives we experience the ego

through its vulnerability and it is always there ready and almost waiting to be wounded. Similarly, the self is always

seeking to be gratified. An exaggerated sense of self importance

is guaranteed to cause you pain several times a day when that pride is hurt – as it is bound to be.

I deliberately referred to the self as a delusion because that is

exactly what it is. The truth is that we are fundamentally interdependent and connected with other people and our

environment. Our mind arrogantly tries to delude us that

because we are conscious beings, that very consciousness is proof that we are separate, distinct and autonomous – the

famous idea that we are all ‗islands‘. Just the opposite is true. The problem comes because with the belief in ‗separateness‘

follows the demand and expectation that we are special and our

wants must be satisfied at all costs. And the next logical consequence of reinforcing the separate identity of the self is

that we fall out of synch with reality. Think of a massive shoal

of fish or flock of birds-and you will see the true perspective of the individual. That I am afraid is all we are as humans- one of

a large community of human beings living and working together and supporting each other in an almost infinite number of ways,

and fundamentally dependent on the universe, all other live

forms and the environment for our very existence.

You must eliminate the pride, ego, and self- importance that

place oneself at the centre of the universe. The ego tries to

create the illusion of being separate from the world in order to

48

protect and isolate itself. We imagine that by living in a sort of

bubble we will avoid pain and being hurt. But it does not work

and in fact the opposite is true and allowing ourselves to be driven by the ego perspective and feeling self important will

cause us a great deal of wounding and feeling hurt. Living trapped in an isolated bubble of the ego also causes loneliness

and depression even when surrounded by company. Conversely,

being open to and genuine with others, sharing your true self with courage can lead you to wonderful relationships and

pleasure.

You should guard against and be on the alert for negative knee jerk negative emotional responses fired out by your ego. An

exaggerated sense of self-importance causes and enables us to

be hurt by past and current events, or words. Your ego leads you to feeling resentment for those who may try to belittle you or are

jealous of you due to their own lack of confidence. It is common for people to feel that they are being humiliated but you should

ponder the fact that without ego humiliation could not and

would not arise.

You should avoid negative mindreading-that perceives neutral

comments as criticism or an attack. Check what is meant before

becoming defensive.

Do not be seduced by short term highs of petty conversations

which belittle others and gossip which amuse your ego. Rise above this behaviour; you are better than this.

Paradoxically a person who appears to have a big ego often lacks

confidence underneath and their behaviour is a cover for this underlying lack of confidence. This is because the ego will often

generate such nonsense as feelings of: Inferiority, for example,

‗I am not good enough‘; Insecurity, for example, ‗I am not popular, I lack friends, I am socially inept, I lack social

skills‘; or Inadequacy. Try to be relaxed, confident and

comfortable with who and what you are and act naturally. Ignore any such undermining thoughts from your ego.

49

We get so accustomed to attaching the label of ‗I‘ to the mental

flow that we develop an attachment to the self and the notions

of mine, my mind, my possessions, my friends. This erroneous sense of separateness forms the basis of many of the negative

emotions that we discussed in your ‗energy bank account‘. It is the cause of believing that when anything adverse happens to

you, however trivial, it is personal and an attack on you - the

self. It nearly always is not personal and nobody has even thought about you. If tragic events befall us, for example war,

terrorism or accident we have not personally been selected - we

are just caught up at random by chance. However, the ego interprets such events as a personal attack and as such are ‗bad

luck‘, or being cheated or punished.

It is ironic that most of the time when the ego feels the need to defend a view, or knowledge, the very thing that the ego wants

to defend was not your thought in the first place but originally came from someone else.

People who free themselves from their ego think and act with

genuine , honest and true motivations. It sets them free and allows them to approach every situation with natural ease,

benevolence, and serenity.

There is another benefit too; as we progressively drop the ‗Self, Me, I‘ perspective then we start to see others more clearly.

Through this increasing insight we will naturally become more compassionate towards others, and feelings of compassion for

others drives away egoism. When the self ceases to be the most

important thing in our world we find it easier to focus our attention on others and we have the resolve to work and act on

their behalf.

50

15. Grasping, Craving And Sensual Desire

As I have already explained the servicing of sensual desire gives temporary pleasure but not inner happiness. Pleasure has its

place but do not confuse it with happiness-they are not the

same. There is nothing wrong in taking pleasure from enjoyable experiences big or small - the danger lies in the wanting. We

must understand that the mind constantly craves pleasure and

is insatiable.

The way to view it is to group all sensual desires together as a

bundle-including sex, food, drinks, music, beauty, art, warmth, scents, pleasant touch sensations and entertainment, etc and

also include the craving for feeling good from the company of

your loved ones or friends. Being sexually demanding and having frequent sexual expectation and desire is a common form

of craving. Another example is being over demanding of time

with the one you love because it makes you feel good.

A large part of the mind is an insatiable fire which craves to be

fed with continual sensual pleasure. As soon as one sensual

desire is satisfied, the mind immediately moves onto the next. The truth is that all searches for happiness which are lead by

the senses are doomed to failure. This is because all sensual pleasure is temporary and worse still, we get used to it over

time, which means that any sensual experience which is

continued for too long, or to excess, will lose its attraction and ultimately become an irritation or boring. It is frustrating that

even after the best possible meal, or sex, or whatever, the mind

very quickly starts to seek a new stimulation to amuse it or even worse, seeks a repeat of the very same experience that it has

just enjoyed. Sensual desire arises again and again but the more pleasure you get the more you want and need. The mind is

insatiable and our senses can get more and more dulled.

So don‘t confuse the pleasure of sensual satisfaction with true happiness. And if you look around you at people who are truly

happy, I can guarantee that they will not be drinking greedily

51

from the cup of sensual desire; they will embrace it, but with an

awareness and moderation that retains its value.

A development of craving is the urge to try to hold onto sensual pleasures (rather than just repeat them). When we see beautiful

sights, or experience a wonderful taste, we ache to be able to preserve it, or permanently capture it but, of course, we cannot

as everything is momentary and impermanent. What is more,

the way our senses work is to respond to change and if any sensual input remains unchanged we quickly become numb

(habituated) to it.

All the time that we are preoccupied with the desire for temporary sensual pleasure, and the possibility of its

gratification, we are by definition not investing in more worthy

and virtuous thoughts and behaviours that would enhance our enduring happiness. Remember you cannot be living in the

moment all the while you are beset with desire. If we allow ourselves to be like leaves in the wind, blown about hither and

thither by our desires then we are missing out on much deeper

fulfilment. That means we have to ‗manage‘ our desires – and practising moderation is a good way to start. For example how

about trying, for starters, moderation in eating. The thinking is

that if we are able to put a fence around one of our desires, it gives us a chance of addressing some of our others because it

frees up our mind and energy

Craving will always end in disappointment and dissatisfaction.

Always believing that you want and need whatever material

thing is fastest, biggest, best or newest leads to feeling dissatisfied and never feeling you have enough. When we are

obsessed by a person or thing they / it takes on the illusion that

they are 100% desirable and ignores the reality of their faults and disadvantages. The possession of what we desire is

precarious, momentary and constantly threatened. It is illusory

as ultimately we have very little control over what we think we possess. This is not to say that you should not enjoy material

things-that is absolutely fine-just keep them in perspective and

52

do not become dependent on them.

Thinking about the future excessively and imagining all the

changes that you want that will supposedly make your life ‗happier‘ is also craving. You know by now that happiness comes

from inside you and is not dependent on external things. When the future arrives and you have perhaps attained greater

wealth, success, power or responsibility that future is often an

anti-climax and a disappointment because you still do not feel any happier and can‘t understand why. This is because you are

looking in the wrong place for happiness. Wealth, success,

power, and greatness usually turn out to feel quite different from how we imagine they will feel.

53

16. Money And Wealth

This subject is so often high on the wish list of most people who are seeking to change and improve their lives that it merits its

own chapter. People who want a better life frequently believe

that a key ingredient of their better life would be greater wealth and more money. In other words more money would make them

happier. They can be excused for having this belief because it is

part of modern culture for us to be constantly bombarded with advertising suggestions about how desirable all these goodies

are that we simply must have. In this chapter I want to give you some alternative ways to think about money and wealth.

You will have heard many times that money does not make you

happy, but do you really believe it? You think, ‗Well of course it does; it cannot fail, and it would certainly make me happier‘.

But there are plenty of unhappy wealthy people around so why

is that? The reason is that in the West, we already have more than enough wealth and possessions that our level of wealth is

not an issue in determining whether we are happy or not.

It is true that money can help to make your life happier but only up to the point of the basics like enough food to avoid hunger,

and shelter, and enough space to sleep comfortably in the warm and dry. Studies have shown that beyond these basic necessities

increasing affluence does not automatically enhance happiness.

Money is a commodity but has no value in and of itself to bring you happiness.

If you travel to the Far East you will find vast swathes of Asia,

for example countries such as Myanmar, Vietnam, Cambodia, India, and Sri Lanka, where many and possibly most people are

living on between 1 and 5 dollars a day which is less than almost everyone in countries like the US and the UK. Societies

in these countries are characterised by living in extended

families in communities where everyone is contributing, where there is almost no waste, everything is recycled, and

expectations are modest. Despite this it is humbling to see how

54

happy and content most such people appear and how openly

they treat affluent tourists with no jealousy or envy. In vast

swathes of Africa people spend large parts of their day walking to bore holes just to get water in a container. Many school

children have to just listen in class because their parents cannot afford to buy them a pencil or a pad of paper. Children make

footballs out of polythene bags filled with leaves. Most people

live without electricity or a water supply in their homes. And yet these people are happy and laugh and smile and accept their

situation as the norm.

If you visit these countries and talk to the local people you will marvel at how content and serene they are despite their

apparently extremely poor living standards and you have to

conclude that the levels of unhappiness and dissatisfaction in the West are in reality being caused by something other than

real poverty simply because in truth very few people in the West are actually poor in comparison. In fact when I travel it

sometimes seems to me that the people with the least are the

happiest. It suggests that in the West it is the envy, and jealousy and resentment about the unfairness of the distribution

of wealth that are actually the cause of the dissatisfaction and

unhappiness. Added to this is the fact that we are constantly bombarded with images in the media that we must have this or

that material possession that will make us happy. In Western culture it is the obsession with possessions and money which

actually causes dissatisfaction and discontent with our lot in

life.

People can construct a full life filled with loved ones, friends,

and hobbies and pastimes such as listening to music, reading,

walking, cycling, playing games and sports etc within the limits of very modest wealth. If you are of modest means you can still

have some of the best and most memorable holidays of your life

in the most beautiful locations merely by going camping or hostelling. The old adage that ‗ the best things in life are free‘ is

so true! It is also absolutely true that the most precious and

55

valuable gift you can give your children or your elderly relations

is your time.

Whilst money cannot bring you happiness, money can certainly make you very unhappy if you allow yourself to feel envy and

jealousy when others have more than you, or if you spend your time worrying about what others have.

It is fine to enjoy and derive pleasure from material possessions

without guilt but beware real attachment. In other words make sure you are not dependent on them. Try to learn how to be

satisfied and to avoid craving and the cycle of chronic

discontent. It is all about whether your motives and emotions are positive or negative.

I would like to close this topic with an example of positive and

negative ways of thinking about a prized possession. Suppose that you want to own a classic car. It really does not matter how

much or how little the car is worth. What matters is how you think about it. There is nothing intrinsically ‗wrong‘ about

enjoying a material possession but being materialistic can make

you very unhappy indeed. Here are some positive and negative ways of thinking about your possession:

Positive Emotion, Positive Energy, Route to Happiness

I like having my car, but am not dependent on it, and if

and when I no longer have it, I could walk away from it with no regrets or attachment.

My car does not define or change me in any way.

I love my car because I see in it the positive energy, ingenuity and skill that engineers over the years have

contributed to its design and development.

I love my car because I see it as a beautiful thing and am glad that I am able to derive pleasure through my

appreciation of it.

I know that we never truly ‗own‘ any material possession

56

and are merely temporary custodians whilst we are

passing through this life.

I feel warmth and connection with those people who have ‗owned‘ this car before me and with those who will ‗own‘

it after me.

Negative Emotion, Negative Energy, Route to

Unhappiness

My car will be the envy of my friends and neighbours.

Everyone will be jealous of my car.

Everyone will think I am prosperous and important

when they see me in my car.

I would hate it if for some reason I no longer could afford

to keep my car.

I like my car but deep down wish I had got a newer model, or one with a higher specification and then I

would have really loved it.

I would not like it if one of my friends or neighbours now buys the same car, or a better one than mine.

I resent the fact that my friends and neighbours seem to

ignore my car and will not acknowledge how smart and great it is.

I don‘t care that someone else will be made envious or uncomfortable by me having this car –in fact I will relish

the fact.

In summary being happy is not dependent on having every

material thing that you want all the time. It is about loving and

appreciating what you have and being grateful for it.

57

17. Anger

No good can ever come from allowing anger to take over your mind. Remember that this distorted and one-sided view of a

situation has only arisen in the mind, and our angry reaction

has no substance in reality. Put simply‘ anger is the result of our inability to control our minds and manage our thoughts.

Anger and rage seriously affect your ability to deal with a

situation and certainly prevent you from seeing both sides and why the other party perceives it differently. Not only is anger

bad for your health, when I see an angry person I know that he or she is not a happy person. They may be angry because they

are unhappy, or unhappy because they allow themselves to get

angry!

You should try to develop what I think of as an ‗early warning

system‘ – self awareness about how your thoughts develop and

emerge so that you can immediately identify an angry thought as it arises, and stop it in its tracks. Observe and notice your

thoughts one at a time, watching how they emerge and evolve

and learn to allow them to be released and dissolve away rather than allowing them to grow and take over your mind. Try to see

issues in perspective. Watch closely for conditioned and repetitive aversions which become more prevalent as you get

older and are a source of anger. A prime example is inbuilt

prejudice towards those who are different especially from different races and cultures.

When someone or a group of people are making you angry ask

yourself why it bothers you so much. What is it that is really annoying you?

Blaming others and holding them responsible for things we do not like about our own life is a sure way to an unhappy life.

Often when you have got angry you will remember that you got

angry, or perhaps that you had an argument, but will not remember what it was that you were angry about. The negative

energy that you banked and damage caused by anger lives on

58

long after the issue ceases to matter. So ask yourself will the

issue that is making you angry matter in a year‘s time or

possibly even next week? Will you even remember the detail of why you were angry?

People who carry a lot of anger tend to give off negative energy which arouses and attracts anger in others, and find that others

are frequently angry with them in their day to day lives.

59

18. Worry

Worry really is a pointless emotion. Yet constantly worrying about what might go wrong has become a very common

affliction. Many people feel anxious even when there is nothing

specific or tangible to feel anxious about. People say to me that they feel ‗sick‘ all the time with worry. The inability to manage

our thoughts is the principal cause of worry. You must learn to

stop, or at least ignore, the ceaseless chatter of disturbing thoughts through the wisdom of knowing that although you can

make efforts to manage and affect your future you cannot ultimately control that future.

What a tragedy it is that people‘s quality of life and equilibrium

are ruined by this pointless but potentially obsessive emotion. And remember that all the time you are worrying you are

making deposits in your negative energy account.

You must learn to do your best to plan for your future, manage risk, but let go of the outcomes. You must know and understand

that usually in life the adverse things that happen are not the

things that we foresee and worry about but instead tend to be unexpected and unforeseen events that occur at random. So

worrying about what may happen is entirely pointless and arguably may cause illness and self fulfilling prophecies due to

our own behaviour attracting the very things that we dread.

Living is like climbing a ladder – don‘t look down as this can cause fear and freezing. A healthy and confident acceptance of

yourself and the outside world, really knowing that things are

as they are, is the way to achieve a positive optimistic outlook.

After socialising with a friend or relative we can sometimes

spend time worrying whether we have said the wrong thing. Well don‘t! If you have tried your best to be pleasant, loving,

and friendly then leave it at that. Nobody is able to express

themselves perfectly all the time and it is inevitable that after any bout of socialising there will be one or two things that you

may wish you had put differently or perhaps not mentioned at

60

all. It‘s life. The most likely situation is that the other person

will not have noticed or remember.

Why does the mind left unchecked have such a strong predisposition to worry? Human beings have evolved to be

worriers, and to look for the worst case scenarios and interpretations as this has conveyed survival advantage. The

people who survived were the ones who attended the most to

potential dangers of hostile invaders, predators or adverse weather and made the best provisions to protect against these

risks. Our default mode tends to be to look for possible threats

and concentrate on what is wrong rather than what is right. The problem is that this has evolved in the modern world to

carrying worry in our minds that is no longer necessary and

constantly compromises our peace of mind.

Affirmation

I will no longer worry excessively.

I know that no amount of worry can change the future.

61

19. Feeling Guilty

I would like you to think back to what I said in Chapter 13 about doing your best but letting go of outcomes. Many people

tell me that they often feel guilty, or even worse feel guilty most

of the time. The cause is almost always guilt about how we have treated , or handled a friend or family member but obviously

could also be guilt over some immoral or illegal act(s) that you

have performed. A certain amount of guilt is good and healthy and is the incentive of us to improve and not repeat acts which

are 'wrong' or hurt others.

But I hope by now that you are starting to see the patterns and

the common threads in this e-book. If you have done your best

and tried to do the right thing then you really do have to shut the door on it and let go of the outcomes. Clearly something is

wrong if you are going through life always feeling guilty about

other people.

You have to be realistic. Life is not easy, and it is complicated.

Life is messy. Families and family relationships are not easy.

But you are united by much more than you are divided. And remember that family relationships are with people who you

would not necessarily have chosen as friends. It is common with family members that although you are bonded by love you may

not always like them or admire them.

You can often feel responsible for all the people that you are closest to and love in your life. When things go wrong for them it

must for some reason be your fault. As a parent it is very

common to feel responsible for your children for their whole lives. But you know when children are grown up and have

become adults they are responsible for their own lives. They cannot blame you and their upbringing forever . It is common

for separated or divorced parents to feel guilty about children

from their first relationships. But you need to be realistic and not beat yourself up forever. Marriages fail. It is a fact of life. It

is sad but it happens. No one gets married and has children

62

thinking that this is going to happen. But if you are trying to

balance a complicated life and do your best for children from

previous and current relationships, and for previous and current partners then that is the best you can do. There is only

so much money and time to go around. Life and particularly family life is rarely perfect.

Neither is it your job to spend unlimited time with and amuse

everybody close to you. Time is very limited and you are entitled to use some of it to do things that you want to do that may not

necessarily involve them. And you need to fit in time for

relaxation and meditation. You are entitled to e.g. watch a film, or read a book or go to the gym without feeling guilty that you

should always be spending time with family or friends. If some

of the people you love have few friends of their own that is not something that is your fault.

Some people you love will do less well than others. Maybe they are less able, less hard working, or less ambitious. If they are

adults then that is not your problem or responsibility. By all

means help them from time to time but then shut the door on it.

Similarly if you have had and recovered from addictions in your

life e.g . excessive drinking, drugs or gambling then if you have

recovered then you should no longer feel guilty about it. You cannot change the past and you will never be happy if you

continually feel guilty about addictions that you once succumbed to but have now escaped. As a further example

suppose that you have been unfaithful to your partner and now

regret it, or maybe have stolen money then if you have made a resolution to be better and never repeat the act then again no

good will come from continuing to feel guilty about it.

Affirmation.

I will no longer feel guilty about my love ones when I

have done my best.

63

I know that no amount of guilt can change the past or

the future.

64

20. Choosing Your Mood

Now that we have discussed the more specific and common problems of how to address pride, envy, craving, wanting,

grasping, jealousy, anger, worry, and feeling guilty, all of which

hijack your mind, we are can now move on to how to control and choose our mood.

Believe me when I say you always have the choice to be in a

good mood or a bad mood. You can control how you feel and behave.

We often focus on a few circumstances that are not going well

instead of all those that are. Instead focus on all the good things in your life rather than dwelling disproportionately on the

things you wish you could change.

For example, we leave our comfortable homes and family in the

morning to enjoy a full and blessed day in our life, be it work or

play. We set off full of optimism and good spirits and then our peace of mind can be spoiled by being caught in a rain shower or

discovering a scratch on our car. Look at the broad picture and

see we have so many positive things in our life, and many if not most other people on the planet especially in the third world

have far worse problems. We are as happy about our lot in life as we choose to be. It is morally wrong to take all the good

things in our life for granted.

In the same vein, do not keep telling others about what is ‗wrong‘ with your life. You are the sum total of what you have

thought so you are the one who will keep hearing all this

negative energy about your life!

We should not expect our lives to be perfect. But try to

understand that what we see as imperfections are usually small

and insignificant and meaningless in the context of the totality

65

of our lives. In any case these imperfections for example the

broken off car wing mirror, your wallet or purse being stolen,

the snappy negative comment from our friend, the inconvenient rain shower- these were always how it was going to be, and your

mind cannot control that- as much as it might like to. When you see your life in perspective you will start to see that overall it is

in fact ‗pretty much perfect‘. And when you start to develop

enduring inner happiness you will definitely start to feel that ‗life is perfect‘. Being happy does not depend on everything

being perfect. It means that you have made the conscious

decision to see beyond the imperfections.

Really start to feel the excitement of living and life and its

richness of opportunity. In the brief time that we are here you

cannot scratch the surface of what there is to do. Wake up to each new day with the excitement of a child in your heart and

make a plan to fill it with worthwhile and affirming work and play. Live your life with total enthusiasm as if you were rushing

along beside a beautiful river or canal where you cannot wait to

see what is around the next bend.

If it works for you use your favourite music to lift your spirits.

Never underestimate the power of music to induce mood change.

How does it work? How can some music instantly lift your spirits into the Heavens such that you are full of love for life and

everybody? It's actually very simple. Uplifting music suppresses negative thought and emotion and frees you to live in the

moment and see reality i.e. just how wonderful it is to be alive.

However always remember to make listening to music or the news or watching TV etc a conscious and positive choice with a

beginning and an end and not merely a mindless habit. You will

not be able to have a successful relationship with yourself and be aware of your thoughts if you fall into the trap that so many

people do nowadays of never turning the TV or iPod off and so it

is always in the background bombarding and distracting your senses. More and more people, who underneath are not happy,

are unable to just ‗be‘ and feel restless and uneasy when they

66

are unoccupied or not being bombarded by media. This is a

symptom of the underlying problem that when such people are

free to think they are swept away by negative emotions and so seek to block out their thoughts.

If you like reading newspapers and listening to or watching the news a particular issue to watch out for is media - induced

downward spirals of depressing perceptions of how ‗bad

everything has become‘, 'how everything has gone mad', what a ‗mess everything is ' etc when such attacks on your peace of

mind are designed to push your buttons for their own ends i.e.

circulation or numbers of listeners / viewers. Little good comes from such sessions of depressed thoughts about political and

social matters when you usually cannot do anything about

them, and the story is being simplistically misrepresented to you anyway for maximum impact. And trust me everybody feels

disillusioned, angry and disappointed by the behaviour of the banks and bankers who have caused the global financial crisis

but you can do little about it and no good comes from letting it

get to you.

Be able to manage your emotions and not be hijacked by them

for example paralysed by depression or swept away by anger.

Similarly avoid being driven by uncontrolled negative emotions such as anger, irritation, worry, excessive pride, hatred and

jealousy. Envy and jealousy derive from the inability to rejoice in someone else‘s achievements or success. The truth is that

envy and jealousy are absurd since someone else‘s happiness

cannot deprive us of anything. This is just another example of the ego being wounded.

Do not be affected by minor irritations. Do not believe that

when these occur you have been personally singled out! Have the wisdom to know that for example when you are in a traffic

jam, you are not really in a jam, you are the jam just as much as

everybody else who is in it. Most of the time, 99% of our situation and circumstances are wonderful. We are deluding

ourselves when we concentrate only on what we perceive to be

67

bad. When your mind is trying to tell you that something is a

‗problem‘ and that we should be unhappy about it, for example

unwelcome noise, boisterous children, rain, heat, etc, say to yourself, ―What if everything was OK? What if this were

alright? What if nothing around you holds any power to make you unhappy?‖

I invite you now to start to realise that the basis of inner peace

and happiness is the very absence of all negative emotions.

From now onwards I would like you to make these

affirmations every day.

Affirmations

I will strive to be:

mentally and physically active.

someone who feels strong positive emotions –joy,

excitement, thrills, sadness.

someone who feels that it is fun to be me.

relaxed and calm.

upbeat, positive, witty and funny in my social

contacts. I will be fun and spread positive energy.

People like others who make them feel better.

someone who is not always a taker from other

people.

irrepressible.

impervious.

indomitable.

I will start each day with a positive thought to set the tone.

68

21. Do Not Let Your Resolve Be Hijacked By

Other People

This topic has been included because your day-to-day dealings

with the other people in your life present a testing ground of your new resolve to change yourself. These relationships with

other people will be bound to test your resolve to maintain your

positive emotions and positive thinking in the face of situations and events that previously could have caused negative feelings

of disappointment, annoyance, jealousy and so on. Learn to

identify and not to trust conditioned responses that tell you that you should respond to events by feeling sadness that people or

life are not as they should be.

Not only is the world as it is, people are who they are. What do I mean by that?

People are the people that, for whatever reason - that they want to be, or think is right to be, or do not know of another way to

be. We should expect other people to think and act differently

from us. When people behave differently that should not disappoint us- it should be our expectation. When they do

behave the same as us or as we would wish them to then see

that as a bonus. We can sometimes be pleasantly surprised by how similar we all are and how others, on occasions, think and

act the same way as ourselves but that should not be your expectation.

Therefore have absolutely no expectations of anyone and then

you will not be vulnerable to feeling disappointed. Instead turn it around to a positive and take the view that all pleasing,

enjoyable and nice experiences with friends and family are a

bonus and a pleasant surprise and not an expectation or right. From time to time friends or family members will unexpectedly

turn against you and find fault with you. Look for the message

that may be contained as a learning opportunity. Is there something you are not giving? But always remember that the

events and happenings side of life is not where your inner

69

happiness comes from and therefore you should not be

emotionally vulnerable to such outcomes.

People blow hot and cold. They have their own lives to lead. They may be in a hurry, stressed, tired, depressed, or unable to

cope or perhaps jealous and resentful. Accept that that is how people are. Accept that people are the way they are, and they

behave in that way not to offend us, but simply because that is

the way they feel and think. We cannot make other people behave in ways that we would like. The only person we have the

power to change is ourselves. If we do not accept them as they

are then we are saying that they should behave in a certain way according to criteria that we believe to be correct. In other

words ‗I am right and they are wrong‘.

Exercise diversity in your appreciation of other people especially those from different races, cultures and age groups. Genuinely

know and believe that all people are fascinating and everybody has a story to tell, or has a talent, and may surprise you if do

not approach chance meetings with bias, prejudice, and fixed

preconceptions.

In particular do not allow the knee jerk reaction of

disappointment or deflation when you experience what you

interpret as selfish and inconsiderate behaviour by others for example when driving. Try to cultivate being impervious to the

selfish and aggressive actions of other drivers.

Do not allow your inner happiness / mood to be hijacked by a

knee jerk reaction to the negative moods of people close to you

around you. Just because they are morose or picky or stressed that does not mean you have to rise to it or react to it. Instead

when family members or close friends around you are stressed

rise above it and take it in your stride. Do not feel irritated or frustrated by it. If they cannot cope they cannot cope. Do not

believe that you can change the people around you. The more

stressed, depressed, tense and / or uptight someone else is the more they will believe that you are the one who is stressed and

70

not them. However frustrating that may be, it is a fact.

Do not ever expect to rationalise with a tense and stressed

person and absolutely do not attempt to convince them that they are the one who is stressed. You cannot expect others to not be

stressed just because you are not. They may be stressed for any number of reasons but for females this is especially likely to be

hormonal, and for everyone overload, pressure and tiredness.

You may be frustrated and disappointed that they are stressed and thereby ‗spoiling the day‘ but what will be received and

perceived is that ‗you are getting at them‘, and that ‘nothing is

ever good enough‘. This is a perception gap that cannot be bridged and no good ever comes of trying. Refrain from judging,

and definitely refrain from passing comment, and divert your

own thoughts and attention onto something independent. Just offer unconditional love.

It is not enough to simply concentrate on maintaining your own mood when close ones around you are uptight, tired, or stressed.

In fact to maintain your own mood you need to positively apply

yourself to meeting their needs. This is a time to give them unconditional love, consideration, and support. In a relationship

try to predict when these situations will arise. It is a golden rule

that you do not look for any emotional energy and support from then during these times.

Above all just listen and ask open questions and do not be in a hurry to offer solutions. Just because you may believe you have

a better perspective, this is not the time to thrust your beliefs on

another.

Friendships

Our relations with our friends are a particularly important area where your new attitudes and resolve will be tested.

Do not look for or expect perfect friendships. You get back from

them what you get back from them. Life is as it is- not how you want it to be. You should expect to put regular effort into

71

relationships because they need a lot of maintenance. Do not

allow yourself to be hurt and wounded when friends do not

speak or act in accordance with preconceived notions of how you think they should. It probably isn‘t personal. They are just

different from you.

Your success or otherwise with friendships and perceived

popularity has nothing to do with your worth or adequacy as a

person. Do not give house room to feelings of social ineptness, and poor interpersonal skills. You are who you are.

Day-to-day relationships are vital so maintain a sufficiently

wide group of friendships and do not overly rely on any one of them. Apart from your primary relationship with your partner

(if you have one) absolutely do not put all your for eggs in one

basket since over reliance on a single friendship has a high risk of ending in tears. Watch out for this and avoid. This is a very

important element of a happy life. I am not saying don‘t have deep and meaningful friendships. However you will never be

happy if you spend your life obsessing about what one particular

friend has said or not said or has done or not done. Maintaining a wide set of friends protects you from this source of anxiety.

You should also always remember that when a friend does not

say or do what you want, it probably has nothing to do with you, and there can be a thousand reasons most of which you could

never know or guess.

Do not carry on with friendships which have run their course,

and are worn out, and no longer mutually good or rewarding for

you. Time is limited and you should periodically choose and review your friends. It is a waste to keep investing time and

energy in the same friendship out of habit where you no longer

get anything positive out of it. If there are people in your life who are 'black hats' i.e. they are nearly always negative and

moaning and are a drain on your spirits then you should

minimise your contact with them. They may no longer be good for you and may jeopardise your progress on your spiritual

72

journey.

If you discover that a friend actually does not want for or wish

for the best for you then sometimes you need to do the difficult thing and stop spending time on them. You may for example

discover that in truth they are jealous of you, or resent you in some way, or are threatened by you and as a result critical.

When you really value yourself you will not want to spend time

with people who do not value you.

Regrettably, many people are threatened by or jealous of people

who are more financially ‗successful‘ than themselves however

superficial, or deluded you understand this to be. Thus it will always be more difficult to attract and maintain friendships

with many people as you become wealthier even though you

know this to be absolutely irrelevant. However people who show themselves to be shallow in this way would be unlikely to

be able to provide any valuable connection of depth.

I would like to close this chapter with a quote:

‗Nothing in the world can bother you as much as your own mind, I tell you. In fact, others seem to be bothering you, but it is not others, it is your own mind.‘ Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

73

22. Attracting The Life That You Want

You now know and understand that how you think controls how you feel, and how you feel affects how you see the world both

moment by moment and overall. You know that you create your

life with your thoughts. As this book is hopefully demonstrating the causes of unhappiness arise in the mind and the solutions

are also to be found in the mind. You now understand that

happiness and unhappiness are due to your own thoughts and the way you think about situations and events. You are able to

change your thoughts to a positive attitude about all the many good aspects of living and your life. If life‘s situations are not

the way you want them, you can work to change them without

frustration, without anger, and without letting them disturb your peace of mind. Your new attitude is to work steadily to

change things which are not the way you would like them to be

but with a calm and peaceful mind.

Life can and should be fun, every moment can be a joy, and it

really does depend on you because only you and you alone can

allow thoughts to live in your mind. And how you think determines how you feel. And how you feel influences the world

around you and the life that you experience. You now have the resolve and ability to choose your thoughts with awareness of

their power. You can choose to allow only positive, beneficial

and helpful thoughts to be in your mind. I hope that by now you understand how important it is to choose every thought with

care because the thoughts you feed your mind with, the

attitudes, views and beliefs you accept, inevitably become your own living reality. How you choose to think today influences

your tomorrows. When you e.g. forgive people for what has happened in the past, or when you stop regretting events in

your past, you don't change the past-you change your future.

Once your conscious mind has resolved to stop dwelling on what you were perceiving to be problems, and instead made the

positive decision about the direction you want your life to go in,

then your subconscious mind can arrange for you to achieve the

74

life that you desire.

The way to attract the things you desire is to adopt the feelings

that you would have when you have already attained them. For example the way to have the friendships in your life that you

desire is to think and feel like you already have those friendships rather than feeling unpopular, lonely and unloved.

The way to have the wealth that you desire is to think and feel

like you already have enough money and possessions rather than feeling life is unfair, and that you are denied and poor. You

can see from these two examples that the solution is always the

opposite to dwelling on the problem.

In contrast by allowing yourself to be focussed on your perceived

problems – the things in your life that you think are not as they

should be, or as you wish them to be- you drag your problems into the future with you where they automatically attract more

of the same feelings about other situations and events. It is these negative thoughts which provide the negative energy that

feeds your problems and keeps them alive.

You should here and now resolve to just relax and switch to seeing the good things in each situation, event and moment.

Focus your energy on how you want things to be rather than

how you do not want them to be. Once you withdraw all your negative thought energy from the problems it clears the way to

attracting the solutions and the life that you want. Your subconscious mind can then move forward free from the self

limiting influences of your past.

75

23. How The Law Of Attraction Works

You will no doubt have heard a lot about the so called ‗Law of Attraction‘, much of it very fanciful, so this is my attempt to

explain what it is really about. This is a very popular belief

nowadays and is a modern way of expressing the old adage that you ‗reap as you sow‘. The Law of Attraction simply put says

that we attract to our lives what we focus on the most. If we

focus on what we want and radiate good feelings and positive energy and positive emotion then good things will be reflected

back. If on the other hand we for example hold grudges and blame others for our situation then we attract more of the same.

Our lives are a reflection of ourselves.

You may have heard and read stuff before about how we attract our lives and maybe dismissed it as mumbo jumbo. You maybe

think you would have to be mad to believe such notions. But,

you know, we really do attract our lives and make our own lives and this is not for any supernatural or mystical reasons that are

hard to accept.

I believe The Law Of Attraction was first expounded in the bestselling book ‗The Secret‘ by Rhonda Byrne and so I give full

acknowledgement to that important work. My position is that I believe there is no doubt that the Law Of Attraction exists but

for me the explanation for how it works may not be as

postulated in The Secret. The explanations in that book are magical, mystical

and supernatural and based on vibrations of the universe and

theoretical phenomena like that. But it is my belief that the explanations for how this works are much closer to home and in

this chapter I will give you rational and perfectly simple explanations as to why and how it works that all the time we

are attracting the life that unfolds for us. But of course if I am

wrong and the more supernatural explanations involving the energy of the universe etc are true then no matter - the

important thing is that however it works that you accept it and

76

start using it to your advantage.

People who do good generally experience good things as a result.

We do not always fully understand why this is so but it is. The most likely explanation for this may simply be because it is a

small world and there is a very high degree of interconnection between the people you meet and know and how people behave

in respect of looking after others they know and like or dislike.

Much of what happens to you is controlled by other people many of whom you do not know, but there will nearly always be

hidden connections to almost everybody initially through people

who do directly know you. You are dependent on the goodwill and support of a great many people in the community and

family in which you live and work many of whom you may not

know directly. Your reputation really does go before you in this world.

You may think sometimes you are anonymous and can behave however you like but this is rarely the case. When you behave

badly, selfishly or rudely then people will always notice and

remember this. Your actions come back to you in ways you can never predict or even be aware of much of the time. If you have

behaved in such a way that unseen people have reason to favour

someone else over you for an opportunity, or gift, or social occasion etc you are unlikely to ever find out about this. Often

when people complain that they perceive life to be 'unfair' they are choosing to ignore the intense networking and

communication that goes on all the time that includes the

unending brief positive and negative comments that so many people pass on about others. It is part of human nature. And

everybody knows that really because they do it themselves. So

maybe perhaps their own behaviour in the past is attracting the life they are experiencing now when others seem to get more

breaks than they do.

Another phenomenon at work in the Law Of Attraction is that you yourself are different and thereby attract different things.

You really do ignore this at your peril! If you think in the way

77

that this book advocates you will feel different and thereby you

will behave differently. So you will gradually become and be

perceived as a different person. Now positive energy is highly contagious and extremely inspirational. So by being different

yourself you will also change to some degree the people you meet and come in contact with. The people you meet will to

some extent feel different whilst they are with you. So what

actually happens in your meetings is changed from how it would have been if you had been your negative and disgruntled self. If

you do not believe me then try it for yourself. Try a few days

where you walk around with a smile on your face taking the time to speak and be pleasant with everyone you come in

contact with and taking an interest in them. Try a few days

where you only spread positive thoughts and offer unconditional compassion and love. You will, I guarantee, be amazed at what

happens. And trust me we are all so dependent on other people (family, friends, colleagues, and co-workers) for the help,

support and breaks that we seek that will make our own lives

better. You will find after a time that those breaks come from the most unexpected sources and places; from places and in

ways you would never have predicted.

Do as you would be done by is also a truism because our positive or negative energy is reflected back to us and what we

experience is a mirror of the energy that we give off. Buddhists refer to this as our karma. In fact the reflections can be

immediate as you find if you go around radiating goodwill and

altruistic love and everyone you come in contact with will seem to enjoy their contact with you. It takes courage to be yourself

and spiritual in front of others, but when you demonstrate this

behaviour it allows others to behave in the same way. This applies with friends, in business, and with strangers.

It is also true that good and bad things that you say and / or do

come back to you in ways that you can never predict but they do come back – and this is demonstrable and we all experience it.

You Attract What and How You Are.

78

You don't attract what you want. You attract what you are. Dr Wayne Dyer

There is some awful misinterpretation of the Law Of attraction out there some of which borders on the laughable. I observe on

the internet people promoting the Law like it is a tool for online shopping or an alternative Father Christmas! They encourage

people to believe that all they have to do is think about being

hugely rich and huge riches will be delivered to their door the next day! They even complain as to why the Law does not seem

to be working for them and what are they doing wrong? It is

self evident that the 'universe' cannot make everyone hugely rich for all the obvious reasons. But the Law can make you feel like you are rich, or indeed help you awake to the realisation

that you already are rich and already have a blessed life of abundance. And if the family, friends, customers and co-workers

in your network like you and do not perceive you as a greedy, materialistic person who is never satisfied then they are much

more likely to help and assist you financially when the

opportunities arise.

What you attract is more of the same of what you truly are

inside. Please suspend your reactions to this while I attempt to

explain this concept.

So with anything that you want, you need to genuinely start to

think and feel as you would if you already had it. So if you want to be more loved and cherished by others, then you start by

visualising yourself as someone who is already well loved and so

needing to be loved more is simply not an issue. This visualisation and the consequent living as if you are already

enjoying the situation you wish for will lead you to assume the

positive thoughts and feelings associated with this state and as a direct result, you will attract more of the very thing you are

seeking. Whereas if you are a person who for example feels an

unloved victim, angry or hard done by, unlovable and jealous and envious of others, then you will merely attract more of the

same. Once you think that way you act that way.

79

Similarly, if you are a complainer, then you will find that you

attract more and more situations into your life to complain

about. And if you spend your time listening to, and whipping up someone else complaining, and agreeing with them, then you

also will attract more situations to yourself to complain about.

To illustrate how the Law of Attraction works here are some

examples. As a general principle if you obsess about wanting

something it will have the opposite effect to what you want. To attract changes you need to adopt the feelings as if you already

have the thing that you desire.

Your Desire: Give up smoking and / or alcohol

Negative thoughts which will attract more of the same: Life would be boring and no fun without them and I would not be able to enjoy myself. Without these pleasures I would feel

denied.

Positive thoughts which will attract the change you seek: I am lucky to have a full, happy and wonderful life of abundance,

and would not be giving anything up to cease these unwanted habits.

Your Desire: More money

Negative thoughts which will attract more of the same: I feel poor, deprived and that life is unfair. There are many

material things that others have that I want and which would make me happy.

Positive thoughts which will attract the change you seek: I love my life, and am happy, and have all the things in life that

matter in abundance. I certainly have enough money and do not want for anything.

80

Your Desire: More friends

Negative thoughts which will attract more of the same: I feel lonely, and unpopular and awkward in social situations, and people seem to exclude me

Positive thoughts which will attract the change you seek: I am comfortable in my own skin, and am my own best friend. I

do my best with making friends but when it doesn't seem to

happen then I chuckle and shrug my shoulders and am very happy with my own company.

Your Desire: I want to meet a partner to love me

Negative thoughts which will attract more of the same: No

one will ever love me as I am unlovable and unattractive. It is just not fair. Everyone else has a partner.

Positive thoughts which will attract the change you seek: I am happy at the moment on my own and am busy making some

great new friends and exploring new interests and hobbies. My life is so much fun, and so full it is hard to see how I would fit a

partner into it if I should meet someone. I know you cannot force

your own agenda and need to let life unfold in its mysterious way. I am meeting lots of nice new people, so who knows what

will happen, but I let go of the outcomes. If I meet someone special but they do not love me in return then it‘s not meant to

be.

Your Desire: I want to lose weight

Negative thoughts which will attract more of the same: I am overweight, fat and ugly. However hard I try I never seem to

be able to lose weight. I think I am doomed to always be fat.

Everybody else eats more than I do and seem to be able to eat what they want. It is just not fair. Eating is one of the few

81

pleasures I get.

Positive thoughts which will attract the change you seek: I know that at the moment I am carrying a few extra pounds but I

am now resolved to lose it over a period of time. I still have the love of friends and family, and have lots of fun and being

overweight does not affect my relationships with the people that

matter in my life. I love and respect myself and am not defined by my body or weight. I have a lot more about me than that. I

have already embarked on a fitness and diet regime that over

time will get the extra weight off and in the mean time I am not worrying about it because I am confident that over time I will

get there. It is exciting seeing the losses that I have already

achieved although I accept I have a way to go yet.

So now follows a short summary of what the Law Of Attraction

says:

The Law of Attraction

We attract into our lives what we focus on.

Whatever is going on in our mind we are

attracting.

We become and attract what we think.

What we focus on grows.

We create our life with our thoughts and feelings.

When we dwell on what we do not want or like we attract more of the same.

What we think controls how we act.

I want to finish this chapter with a short story about two friends of mine who visited the same recently opened restaurant on

consecutive nights which illustrates the Law of Attraction in

82

action.

On the first night my friend, let us call him Mr Cloud, went with his partner

and was immediately frustrated and irritated that he had to wait in line to

speak to the receptionist and to be allocated a table. He had had a long and

difficult day at work and wanted to just go straight in and eat. Mr Cloud felt

that his town was becoming over populated and also that the restaurant

was inefficient. When he did eventually get a table it was not b y the window

as the restaurant was very busy and he had to settle for a table in the

middle without a view.

Mr Cloud soon became even more irritated because the group on the

adjacent table were enjoying themselves too much and laughing and joking

too loudly. He felt this was selfish and inconsiderate behaviour and after a

while asked them if they could quieten down a bit which they did. Although

Mr Cloud did not know it at the time by coincidence one of the group on the

next table did recognise Mr Cloud by sight because he is the boss of the

company that Mr Cloud’s son works for. From then on the group at the

adjacent table were more subdued; they were not able to have so much fun

and there was an atmosphere and tension between the two tables.

Anyway when the waiter came to take the order, Mr Cloud was a little

annoyed by the young waiter’s accent as he was an immigrant and his

English was not that clear and Mr Cloud found him diff icult to understand.

He turned to his partner in the waiter’s hearing and said that he would

have thought they could have hired someone who spoke English. The waiter

who was fairly new and inexperienced became increasingly nervous and

flustered by Mr Cloud’s attitude and bluntness.

Mr Cloud became even more cross when he was told that the dish of the day

that he chose had run out so he had to make a second choice of something

that the waiter recommended. The restaurant was very busy and the food

was a little slow to arrive. Mr Cloud is a busy man, so while he was waiting

(and getting progressively impatient) he took to catching up on his emails

and texts on his phone. Because the restaurant was busy, the WIFI

performance was also very slow and Mr Cloud became further irritated by

how long it was taking for his emails to load. When the waiter finally did

83

arrive with the food he was anxious not to upset Mr Cloud further but in his

nervousness he knocked his glass of water over and some went onto Mr

Cloud’s trousers. His partner reassured him that is was only water and

would dry out but Mr Cloud was nearing the end of his patience and

snapped angrily at the waiter. Meanwhile, the group on the next table were

watching with great interest and smirking.

Mr Cloud did not like the alternative dish that he had been persuaded to

choose. He kept telling his partner, quite loudly and impatiently that he had

been really looking forward to his original selection and was annoyed and

disappointed that that was not available. His partner was not enjoying the

evening either because of Mr Cloud’s moaning and negativity.

Mr Cloud then started to package all his complaints together in a long

litany of issues – the restaurant was too crowded and noisy and the food

overpriced, without adequate choice for customers. His partner picked up on

his mood, and became increasingly disenchanted with the evening,

embarrassed at being looked at by others, and ultimately, tired of Mr

Cloud’s company.

The waiter too picked up on his animosity and attitude and became

increasingly curt and tight lipped in his responses. When Mr Cloud came to

pay the bill, he demanded a reduction due to the poor service he had

received; the waiter was not able to deal with this, and the manager was

called. Mr Cloud argued volubly with the manager and took another 20

minutes during which time Mr Cloud became more angry, loud and

animated, and his partner more and more embarrassed.

When he left of course Mr Cloud did not leave a tip but was further irritated

when he got back to the car park because he had spent so long arguing with

the manager that he had incurred a hefty parking surcharge as he had

exceeded the maximum stay. On the drive home he moaned further to his

partner, swear ing that he would never go back to the restaurant and that

this always seems to happen to him – in his view, the standard of service

everywhere is in serious decline as he never gets good service (any more).

Over the next few days Mr Cloud took every opportunity to tell friends and

acquaintances, which of course included me, all about his experience, how

angry it made him and how this is symptomatic of a wider decline in

84

society.

By complete coincidence, another friend, let’s call him Mr Bright, went to the

very same restaurant the following evening. When he arrived with his

partner, Mr Bright was not surprised to be met by a queue because he knew

that the reputation of the restaurant was growing, particularly given some

recent positive press reviews. This made him even more excited about the

prospect of the food to come that evening, and he reinforced this to his

partner by saying how lucky he felt to have secured a reservation and what

a good addition the restaurant was to the town.

When Mr Bright finally got to the front desk and the hostess apologised for

the wait, Mr Bright said, with a smile and enthusiasm, that he was glad

business was so good for them and was delighted to be able to come as he

had wanted to for some time and had heard so many good things. He also

noticed and complemented the decor of the restaurant and its fresh modern

design. The restaurant was just as busy as the previous night and Mr Bright

similarly found himself on a table in the middle. He commented to his

partner that this table gave them a good view of the chefs frenetically

cooking the food out in the open at the back of the restaurant which is

always interesting and amusing, and also it was warmer away from the

entrance and the windows.

Coincidentally they were served by the same waiter and Mr Bright enquired

of the young man where he came from as he had such a ‘melodic accent’.

When the waiter explained he was an overseas student doing a summer job,

Mr Bright engaged in a short discussion on the course the young man was

following , and where he came from and found out that he had visited that

same city in Europe. The two men exchanged some friendly small talk about

the historic nature of the city and how well it had been preserved and what

a terrific visit Mr Bright had had a couple of years previously.

It was now time for Mr Bright to order; he asked the waiter for his

recommendations, saying that he was always up for trying new things, and

had had some great recommendations in the past from waiting staff. Mr

Bright followed the waiter’s tips and thanked him for his suggestion. While

they were waiting for their food, Mr Bright and his partner could not help

notic ing that the table next to them was engaged in a rather noisy

85

celebration. They seemed to be really enjoying themselves and Mr Bright

and his partner exchanged smiles, commenting to each other that this was

definitely the fun place to be. They both felt uplifted by the laughter and

enjoyment around them and excited to be part of such a buzzing venue.

The food was again slow to turn up – but Mr Bright was content as this gave

him and his partner the chance to catch up on the day, savour the wine, and

indulge in a little light romancing.

When the food finally arrived, the inexperienced waiter again accidentally

knocked over the water and Mr Bright was quick to reassure him not to

worry, saying, with a smile that ‘we’ve all done it’ and that it was only water.

Mr Bright was glad to have tried a new dish, but felt he probably wouldn’t

choose it again. He was however delighted his partner really enjoyed their

meal and made a joke of stealing a couple of mouthfuls.

Towards the end of the evening, the manager toured all the tables to check

with customers how they had found their dining experience. Stopping at

their table, Mr Bright and his partner replied enthusiastically that they were

so glad to have got in, that the place had a real buzz and that they had had

a lot of fun – and would definitely be back. The manager thanked them and

offered them a liqueur on the house and a loyalty card which would give

them a discount for this and future mid week meals.

Mr Bright’s evening ended positively, with both parties feeling that they had

had an enjoyable experience – one that they would want to repeat, and that

it was always fun trying somewhere new. They told 5 other couples within

the week about the new restaurant. Mr Bright reflected on how up and

coming the area was and how great it was that the service and quality of all

the restaurants in that area was so consistently good and that he felt lucky

to live here and be able to experience it.

24. Visualisation Is Good But take Care With

Goals

The practice of visualisation goes hand in hand with the Law of

Attraction. Visualisation is the practice of creating pictures in your mind seeing yourself in the situations that you desire. This

86

can be anything from for example being in a successful primary

relationship, being slimmer or having a different job or home.

And most importantly it can and should be seeing yourself as a happy person. Visualisation is a very powerful practice and is

now widely used, for the very good reason that it works, for instance by professional sports people.

It works because when you are visualising how you want life to

be then you have taken the first step to thinking and behaving in the very way that will attract the life that you want. Put

another way you treat yourself as if you already are what you

would like to become. But you have to be sincere and honest about it because that is how attraction works. If you are

underneath still at the mercy of negative energy and negative

emotion then that is the type of life you will attract and for example visualising being happily married in a new home is not

going to work. The law of attraction cannot be fooled or tricked! The good news is that deciding what you want to happen, with a

positive and genuine heart, is enough to begin making it

happen. Now that both your conscious and subconscious minds know what you desire, they can unite and arrange it for you to

achieve your objectives.

Let me illustrate visualisation with the example of losing weight remembering that it works in exactly the same for everything.

You need to visualise yourself having lost the weight that you want to lose. You need to see yourself as that person who has

already lost the weight and the reason for this is that you are

generating the thoughts and feelings of having it now. This is a very important principle of the Law Of Attraction. You attract

the thing you want by assuming the thoughts and feelings

already to allow the thing you want to come to you. Put another way, once you think like that you act like that. If on the other

hand you still have issues of self confidence and self esteem

and do not love yourself because of your current weight then clearly all you will do is attract the same and you will continue

to over eat for comfort.

87

This is such an important concept and it applies to everything so

let me run through it again still using this example of losing

weight. You have to feel good about yourself and love yourself and that includes your body and physical appearance. If you feel

bad about your body, or even more extreme you actually hate your body, then you will continue attracting more ‗feeling bad‘

about your body. This will manifest itself in lack of willpower to

gain control of your diet due to negative feelings such as, ‗it is all hopeless, I am not worth it, I will always be overweight,

eating to combat depression, eating is the only pleasure I get ‘,

and so on. You have to feel that you are already beautiful, you have to already love yourself and your body, and feel good about

all your other qualities such as your personality and character,

your eyes and smile, and then you will attract the good things you want regarding your weight. Funnily enough long before I

understood these things many years ago back in the 1980s I bought an audio cassette tape aimed at weight reduction by

hypnosis. But the hypnotist was saying exactly the same things

that you cannot lose weight if you do not love yourself, and he used a lovely expression that ‗you‘ve got to love the weight off!‘

I would like to make a quick point about wealth. Contrary to

what some self enlightenment books on this subject say, and in particular, The Secret, I don‘t believe you can attract great

wealth into your life. This is because firstly and self evidently, there is not enough money for everyone to be a millionaire. But

more importantly because wishing for great wealth and

affluence is grasping and therefore negative emotion and so you will merely attract more of feeling that you do not have enough

and jealousy that others have more. Instead you should

visualise being content with your wealth, however modest it is. Visualise feeling that you have everything you need, that you

have enough, or even that your cup is overflowing and you have

an abundance of what you really need and what matters in life. What happens then is very interesting. Because you are no

longer seen as, and no longer behave as, a jealous and envious person who feels ungrateful, you become the opposite- a positive

88

person whom other people like and want to help and look after.

You then find that more and more people are generous towards

you, and help you, and your luck changes with respect to money. It sounds unbelievable but try it and you will find that it is true.

Take care with goals.

You need to understand the role of goals as this is something about which there is widespread misunderstanding. Setting

goals to drive direction, effort and timeframe has a place but

they have their limitations as it is not the ultimate achievement of a goal that will make you happy. I read many self help books

where goal setting is seen as the be-all and end-all of self

improvement. They even dangerously assert that happiness is the successful achievement of goals. But this is absolutely not

true and I will explain why.

People often achieve a goal but they then find that they do not

feel any different and are still not happy and they cannot

understand why. For example they had believed that once they had lost those 30 pounds or got that promotion that from then

onwards they would be happy. Instead they feel exactly the

same as before they started and they cannot believe it.

But being spiritual is about understanding that there is no ‗end

of the rainbow‘ where happiness is to be found. Spiritual behaviour is about realising that life is a miraculous, wondrous,

and magical privilege and that you were always already at the

end of the rainbow but you just could not see it. There is only the present moment and so the role of goals is the positive

attitude, positive energy and emotion that working towards a

goal generates moment by moment. The outcome or result of a goal is not about the achievement of the goal but the cumulative

effect of the positive thinking along the way, moment by

moment. Returning to the example of losing weight this could translate into the feeling that your weight is no longer out of

control, and that instead you are now in control of it and your

89

feelings about it. In fact it probably does not matter if you

achieve most goals; what endures and shapes you is the

cumulative positive emotion and positive energy that is engendered by feeling that you are now in control of your

thoughts and behaviours.

So in summary having goals is fine but you need the wisdom to

really understand that it is the change in your thoughts-

cultivating loving yourself , self esteem, being in control of your thoughts- that is engendered by pursuing a goal- which is the

source of happiness. Happiness is not a place that you arrive

when you have achieved a goal, it is what you experience on the way.

90

25. Changing Your World

‗Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world.‘ Wayne Dyer.

OK of course you cannot change the world but if you practise

spiritual behaviour you really can change your world. A very bold claim I hear you say. But the way it is done is by

transforming our minds such that the world that we see and

experience is reality.

What you notice governs what you see and pay attention to and

thereby is what you get. We see things and people not as they are but as we are. Much of what we experience is created in our

minds. We shape the reality around us by what we choose to

notice and see. Here are some examples. Whatever you pay attention to in families will start to grow and increase. Every

partner is potentially both beautiful and ugly depending on how

you look at them. Notice and attend to what you would like to see more of, and watch it manifest. The world that you see and

experience is very largely a reflection of yourself.

We change our world by changing the person that we present to the world moment by moment. There are so many ways that

each of us does this but usually unconsciously. For example if you give out and radiate love and positive energy you will

receive it back faster than you would ever think. Conversely if

you are miserable, negative and self pitying then you will instead find that reflected back to you pretty quickly in your

daily experiences. Positive and negative energy is highly

contagious to the people you come into contact with.

Another everyday example is that without realising it you

change the people you meet. If you are the type of person who tries to dominate every conversation, never really listening to

anyone else, always desperate for the other person to finish so

you can expound your opinion, then you will miss out on so much of the richness of other people. Try to understand that

people who do this are changing the people that they meet in

91

the way that they interact with them. People they meet will be

different with them than they would otherwise be, and will close

down such that they appear passive, quiet and uninspiring. In fact the opposite may be true- given a chance they may have lots

of wisdom, and information that would have been pleasurable and helpful. Their domineering, overbearing approach

suppresses the people they meet so that they miss out on their

potential interest.

It is always surprising to me that when you start to talk to

anybody, whatever their initial impression and appearance,

they have an interesting story and there will be something surprising and insightful about them. But many people dismiss

the people they meet as irrelevant and shut them out and never

get to enjoy them. And away from them the people they meet will regard them as an overbearing know-all so they damage the

potential relationship / friendship that they might have had with them. What is their point? Have they become so arrogant

that they believe that they already know everything and their

job is to prove that to everyone they meet? Are they being controlled by their ego? If any of this behaviour sounds at all

like you try and relax, stop being overbearing, and instead of

stifling it start to watch the richness of people being revealed in front of your very eyes. You can change the people you meet

simply by wearing a smile and listening to them, asking open questions and genuinely being interested in them. Go and try it-

you will be amazed!

Let me remind you again that the world that you see and experience is very largely a mirror of yourself.

92

26. Simplify Your Life And Declutter

This is the point where you need to start taking stock of your life and making some hard choices. The reason is that unless we

do this from time to time our lives can be frittered away dealing

with things that are superfluous habits, left in our lives by the tide of living. It‘s important that, occasionally and regularly you

take positive action to simplify and then simplify again and rid

yourself of the superfluous. Simplifying your activities does not mean sinking into laziness - on the contrary it means acquiring

a growing freedom. This is because you recognise that this ‗clutter‘ causes you to be permanently busy and harassed and so

you cannot savour anything nor do anything properly without

the need to rush it. It‘s not just about decluttering what you do, and how you spend your time, you should also think about your

material possessions and get rid of those that you do not

particularly need or have time to do justice to. You have nothing to prove and no appearances to keep up. It is a vital ingredient

of building a happy life that you have the time to enjoy it.

Recognise that it is hard to feel happy when you are always rushing around and you never have enough time.

We all feel excitement when we acquire something that we have wanted for a while. This is natural. It can be the acquisition of

something material whether big, like a new home, or smaller

like a new phone or item of clothing. Taking up a new hobby, or on a bigger scale maybe starting a new job or business can

similarly give us a thrill of excited pleasure. Whatever causes

that adrenalin rush, it‘s true that initially this change or acquisition will be a welcome addition to your life.

Unfortunately though this doesn‘t last; gaining pleasure from things outside of ourselves has a habit not only of fading with

time as we get used to them but also bringing with it more

clutter, more things that have to be looked after or paid attention to. More time spent ‗servicing‘ our life – and less spent

remembering that happiness does not come from any of these

pleasures but from within. A truly happy person can be

93

blissfully happy just sitting on a park bench armed with no toys

or gadgets at all!

The reason that an over-complicated life is counterproductive is this. All material possessions need maintenance and eventually

go wrong, so the more of them you have the more of your time will be taken up with these demands and frustrations. All

properties (flats, houses, cars, motor bikes, boats etc) require

maintenance, cleaning, and come with bureaucracy and administration which will reduce the amount of free time that

you have. These may sound like nice problems to have but

whilst wealthier life styles may look glamorous, the reality is they are characterised by having to deal with the overheads,

maintenance and administration. This is as well as the obvious

possible additional stress from the increasing financial demands of your ever expanding portfolio of ‗things‘. and the greater

pressure on your time to actually use and do justice to enjoying all your goodies.

I am absolutely not advocating that you should not enjoy and

take pleasure in material things or pastimes in your life. Quite the opposite. Hobbies and possessions have their place.

However, I advise you to make your choices thoughtfully, and do

not have too many; have the amount that is right for you, and allows you not to feel overwhelmed or pressured and over

stretched. Boat owners joke that the pleasure of acquiring a new boat is only matched by the pleasure of finally disposing of it

and the relief of getting rid of the responsibility and overheads

of ownership. Well actually most major material acquisitions can be like this so be wary that they can trap and seduce you in

the short term but can never bring you long term happiness.

In a similar theme running a business and making money can at the outset be rewarding, and satisfying, but as the years roll

by you may find that the demands become increasingly

intrusive, and start to feel trapped unable to control and turn off these demands. Similarly fame may at first glance seem

glamorous but as we all know is always accompanied by a lack

94

of freedom, security issues, and the plague of unwelcome

attention. Eventually most famous people start to resent their

lack of anonymity and freedom. No wonder it is a fact that happy and contented people usually have simpler and less

complicated lives. Be warned!

When I talk about simplifying and decluttering, I also want you

to be able to relax and take time to reflect. Do not believe that

you always have to be working, busy, or physically active. There is nothing wrong with sitting and reading or just thinking –

indeed there is a lot right in being able to be quiet and

thoughtful and not always ‗transmitting‘ to other people . So, work on curtailing the endless stream of pointless talk that we

may engage in; welcome some quiet time and get rid of the

delusion that we need to be talking and active all the time.

A practical technique that is very effective in helping to simplify

your activities is what I call ‗setting out your stall‘. What this means is being up front and clear with those around you about

what you want to do and what you do not want to do. I don‘t

mean this in an aggressive or selfish way. But when you really do not want to do something then be polite but clear about it;

don't say maybe when you mean no. Remember that other

people are not mind readers and you need to communicate your own wishes and particularly the exact nature and limits of the

contribution you wish to make to any shared project, work, or other human activity. If you do not then you can end up

involved in activities (both work and play) that you are not

genuinely and wholeheartedly committed to. Generally people around you in your life will want to live in harmony with you

and will fit in with your wishes and choices. If your wishes do

not work for them, and they still want you to undertake different tasks, make a greater or smaller contribution, or have

different priorities they will tell you and this will be an

invitation for you to consider their views. If you use this technique with openness and respectfulness to both yourself and

others, you will find it prevents resentment building in your

95

relationships.

96

27. Take Time Out To Meditate

Meditation is a fundamental ingredient of practising spiritual behaviour and will help you to train your mind to be able to turn

off the continuous chatter. Through meditation you will be able

to take time to listen quietly to your thoughts, observe your mind and look inside yourself to find inner peace and calmness.

In this chapter I will give you some guidance on how to begin

practising meditation.

Meditating regularly is essential for cultivating and

maintaining inner peace, tranquillity, calmness and serenity. Further if you can start to cultivate some inner peace, you can

gradually grow this into permanent inner peace (when you are

not meditating), and even become a source of inner peace for others. Meditation is recommended as part of most personal

transformation approaches. Don‘t be put off. Meditation is not a

religious practice, and neither is it prayer or hypnosis. People often meditate in groups but essentially meditation is a personal

and individual experience and can be done anywhere, anytime.

It is also a great aid for developing what is often referred to as mindfulness which can be defined as living in the moment,

awareness, and calmness. Without a calm mind, such insight cannot occur. Do not think that mindfulness sounds like some

new age alternative quack therapy. You would be wrong.

Mindfulness has gone mainstream now and is promoted everywhere for the very good reason that it works.

Meditation is a secure refuge just for you and belongs to you. It

is a private place, an oasis, where you can just be you away from the world and refuel with new calmness and resolve to continue

your spiritual journey. Don‘t think of meditation as another job or chore to be fitted into your busy schedule! On the contrary,

meditation- once you get the hang of it- is pleasurable. It can be

like having your head stroked by a loving parent as a child, or the mental equivalent of having a massage or relaxing in a hot

tub! And the great news is that if you do it on your own it is

97

absolutely free! You will definitely find it makes you feel better

and has an enduring positive effect. The inner peace that you

develop through meditation makes you less dependent on external pleasures, and when external things go wrong the

impact on you is much less as you have this inner peace to draw upon. Regular meditation makes you happier. These are all bold

claims but meditation is not an ancient and worldwide practice

for nothing.

You may like to consider looking for a local meditation class for

which it usual for there to be a small charge. Many people find

both the discipline of a regular weekly commitment, and meditating with like minded others in a group where the

subject of the meditation is directed by a leader, to be helpful. A

weekly meditation class is a bit like a ‗pit stop‘ where you can recharge your positive energy batteries and are restored to go

out into the world and face the challenges and trials of life better equipped to take them in your stride.

What exactly is meditation? It‘s taking time out on a regular

basis to listen to your thoughts, not to pursue them but rather the opposite-to observe them-and not pursue them. It's about

learning the skill to be able to just let these thoughts go,

without following them or worrying about them and thereby learning how to not be a slave to the endless chatter of thoughts

that invade the mind. You come to understand that thoughts form and can dissolve away like wavelets on the sea and you do

not have to seize each one and process it. Meditation is

essential training for developing your ability to live in the moment, and to be able to accept or reject your thoughts.

As you gain experience with meditation you will begin to be able

to cease the endless desire and anxiety that can pervade normal life. Also the thought process that endlessly generates the ego

comes to a stop and at this point there is a window where is no

thought-creating self, and no self concern and deeper insight arises.

98

If you have not meditated before here is a brief guide to get you

started:

Start by relaxing your physical body. Try to get comfortable sitting in an upright position perhaps with your hands on your

lap. Concentrate on relaxing your neck, legs, arms, in turn but then try to let them go. Be aware of background noise in the

room or wherever you are but try to let that go too and not be

distracted by it. It is important that you do not drift off to sleep when you are meditating so the perceived wisdom is that you

should keep your eyes slightly open but personally I prefer to

close mine. If you find ritual such as having a Buddha figure in the room or burning incense conducive to creating conditions

that assist your meditation then there is nothing wrong with

using such aids.

Now, as your meditation begins, quietly and calmly observe your

thoughts but then let them go. Instead try to just concentrate on your breathing, and specifically the in breath and then the out

breath and so on. Breathing is widely chosen as the object of

meditation to focus on because it is available to everyone, anywhere, anytime. Each time a thought comes in to your mind,

try to let it go calmly and practise returning your concentration

to just the in breath and the out breath. When your mind wanders try to bring it back. You are trying to just concentrate

on being aware of your very existence and just being alive and breathing. You are also trying, through meditation, to get to

know and make friends with your inner self! After a while the

predictability of your mundane thoughts may even start to amuse you! Learn through meditation that you can accept or

reject your thoughts; they are only thoughts and they have no

power over you. It is believed that simply concentrating on your breathing is a good discipline because if you can train your mind

to do this, then you are on the way to being able to control your

mind and thoughts during normal life when you are not meditating.

Being able to meditate takes a bit of practice and is a skill but

99

you will quickly acquire it so please do not be put off if

mundane thoughts and worries keep invading your mind; this is

the very reason you need to keep going because you absolutely will get better at it. And I can assure you that the inner peace,

and serenity that meditation bestows will equip and empower you to start to change how you see the world.

Do meditate regularly as this is essential for developing and

maintaining your new tranquillity and serenity.

100

28. Living In The Moment- Now Is The Only Time

We Have

We have all heard this expression so many times that we say

‗Yeah, yeah. I know all about that.‘ But most people have little idea what it really means to be here for the now.

It is a key ingredient of spiritual behaviour to try as much as

possible to live in the moment and handle each new moment with skill and freshness. Living in the moment is fundamental

to happiness. Living in the moment is alternatively referred to

as awareness, or aliveness, or being awake and in Buddhism it is called mindfulness.

Increasingly people are unable to give the here and now their

attention preferring instead to be thinking about the past or the future or distracted for example by their smart phones or other

similar gadgets. It is becoming increasingly rare nowadays to see someone who is not staring at their smart phone regardless

of whether for example they are also walking along the road,

eating a meal, watching TV, or even worse while with a friend or partner. Nowadays many people are never really ‗present‘,

just taking a momentary glance every so often at their actual

surroundings, or situation, preferring to immediately re-immerse themselves into diversionary distractions. We do not

need time travel to enable people to visit the past or the future; they are very good at doing that for themselves. We need time

travel to enable people to visit the present!

During your whole life there has only ever been Now. And for the rest of your life there will only ever be Now. The time on

your watch is always Now. The past no longer exists and the

future does not exist yet. Nothing ever happens in the past or the future. Everything only happens Now. And yet how much of

all that Now did you notice or do you remember? For how much

of all that Now were you present? How much of that Now have you spent thinking about the past or the future? For how much

of that Now have you just allowed your mind to endlessly hijack

101

your attention with its own agenda, worries, irritations,

concerns and desires?

Before I embarked on my own journey of spiritual learning and searching I thought that living in the moment just meant being

alive to and noticing and savouring for example a particularly beautiful natural landscape or sunset or beautiful music etc.

But I have learnt that spiritual behaviour takes living in the

moment to a whole new level that most people never know about or experience. It means connecting with and synchronising with

the moment and consciously choosing your actions and

responses with care. Living in the moment is one of the most important manifestations of spiritual behaviour and therefore

this is an inevitably lengthy chapter in which I will give you

several examples to illustrate what it means.

Consciousness is a mystery and a miracle that should not be

taken for granted and it is a travesty that people squander their thoughts in so many ways instead of using them to be here for

the present and now. What does it take for people to see that 1

second of consciousness is the greatest most exquisite and precious possession of all in the entire universe?

Some examples of what it means to really live in the moment

are:

(i) Tune in and wake up!

You can always tell if you are on autopilot by whether you are

noticing and observing your thoughts. If you are just

daydreaming or sleep walking and allowing your mind to just go wherever it wishes then it will always have your attention and

never allow you to be in the Now. I want you to conduct a little

experiment right this minute. I want you to get up and if you can go for a short walk on your own preferably outside if

possible. Just a few minutes will do. A garden, or any outside

space would be great but even a balcony is fine. I want you to try as hard as you can to notice everything you can, every

second. I want you to put all your senses on alert and notice all

102

the sounds, voices, laughter, music, smells, colours, lights, the

temperature, and the wind or breeze on your face. While you are

there I would like you take off your foot wear and walk barefoot if that is feasible and also if possible touch some trees, or plants,

or grass, or even dip your hands in water if there is any available. Notice the natural beauty of the world in all its forms

which surrounds you. Pay attention to the work and ingenuity

of your fellow humans who have invented, designed and built so much in your life upon which you rely and enjoy and which

again surrounds you. Take some really deep breaths, and fill

your lungs, and just celebrate feeling and being alive. If it is dark, look up at the night sky and savour its wonder – even if

there is light pollution! I want you to see how much you can

notice in just these few minutes. I want you to take everything in and look around you at the wonder and magic of it all. If you

falter and think of something mundane from the life you are going back to after this time out, just reject the thought and

return your attention to this explosion of the senses. Your

normal life can do without you for a few minutes. This can be quite an emotional and disturbing experience. If there is so

much to take in and experience in these few minutes, how much

of Now have you missed along the way?

(ii) Avoid conditioned thoughts

This is about monitoring and observing your own thoughts and

reactions and not believing and accepting everything you think and instead applying your own fresh intelligence to each

moment. The conditioned responses presented by the mind will

mostly be from the orientation of your ego or desire (craving) and as such are raw or basic emotions. By monitoring your

thoughts you are seeking to block conditioned responses of for

example defensiveness, aversion, attachment, and other negative emotions.

Sadly many people live their entire lives ‗asleep‘, completely

103

unable ever to realise that every behaviour, every thought,

every response, that they have has been learnt from someone

else. They never have a single thought that is truly their own. The free choices that they believe they exercise are in reality

from a menu that they have been brainwashed with by their parents, the media, and the relentless consumer marketing that

characterises our society. Unless we are ‗awake‘ we think we

are free but there is probably not a gesture, a thought, an attitude, a belief, or an expression that is not coming from

someone else. We are in many ways conditioned clones of each

other.

You must live in the moment because the consequences of not

doing so are that your autopilot will merely respond to

situations with conditioned responses so you will always be constrained by your past and childhood and you will never be

free to grow and improve.

(iii) Avoid addiction and aversion

Whenever you are wanting or craving for something bigger,

better or different you are by definition not in the moment appreciating life just as it is. You will be familiar with the idea

that the brain is composed of two parts; the conscious and sub-

conscious. The majority of the brain is the sub-conscious part where memories and experiences are filed and stored. This sub-

conscious offers up to the conscious part suggestions that it believes to be ‗helpful‘ based on past repeated experience. This is

how addiction works. The sub-conscious brain offers up

suggestions of thoughts about learned habits that have provided temporary pleasure in the past such as having an alcoholic

drink or cigarette. It is the same process when your sub

conscious feeds you negative thoughts such as ‗you don‘t like people from different cultures, or maybe noisy children or cats!‘

These reactions to all the things ‗that you don‘t like‘ are called aversion.

If you are applying your own fresh thinking in the moment you

104

will not just be repeating learned behaviour and operating out of

habit.

(iv) Really listen to people

People who do not live in the moment dismiss and ignore

opportunities for connection with other people. They do not really listen to what people are saying to them and are instead

eagerly waiting to respond with some prepared, well worn and

frequently transmitted package of opinion or advice.

Remember that the moment may not always require you to be

transmitting, and a spiritual person feels for the rhythm of the

moment, and recognises when it simply requires you truly to listen. Is someone reaching out to you? Are they trying to say

something more deep and meaningful to you and looking for empathy and an encouraging signal that you are genuinely

there for them in that particular moment. Most people blunder

on, desperate to be dominating the conversation, and thereby missing and obliterating potential opportunities for genuine and

meaningful connection. Try not to be always wanting to offer

your own views or anecdotes. Really try to respond to what people are telling you and not always be trying to steer the

conversation to what you want to be telling them about. You

should be concentrating on what they are saying and genuinely trying to build on it rather than trying to switch to a ‗bigger and

better‘ subject or story of your own.

I find it frustrating when I listen to, or am part of, conversations

which just leap all over the place where no participant is trying

to listen and build on what anyone else is saying. It is as if people are together physically but in reality are all still locked

in their private bubbles with their egos fighting each other for

air time.

(v) Really be present to appreciate sublime beauty

If you do not live in the moment you will miss so much that there is to enjoy; you will not see the beauty that is all around

105

you. When I am stuck in traffic I play a game and look for

something through the windscreen that I find pleasing or

beautiful outside. There is always something to appreciate if you look for it instead of just becoming frustrated by the delay. It

does not matter what it is –there is no right and wrong in taste or interests.

Often when you go with people to a beautiful place they can be

competitively obsessed with spending the entire time telling you about another beautiful place they have been to in the past.

One wonders whether they paid attention to that one either!

Similarly I meet people who, while having a wonderful meal at one restaurant feel compelled to spend the entire time telling

you about another wonderful meal they have had somewhere

else. It is as if some people really are unable or frightened of actually living and experiencing the now.

So when you are in a beautiful place or having a wonderful meal or any other exquisite or sublime experience please be there for

it and not somewhere else in your head. Be sensitive to the real

needs of enjoying the moment which may be for quiet contemplation and not always be transmitting regardless.

The modern day curse of the anecdote has become so prolific and

destructive that it deserves special mention. Telling long and rambling anecdotes has become such a widespread and prolific

custom because people believe that it marks them out as a witty, funny or entertaining person. The problem is when these

anecdotes are increasing rolled out, one competing with another,

when they have little relevance to the here and now and thereby obliterate the real opportunity for an exquisite moment to be

enjoyed. I have been in beautiful restaurants with wonderful

food and views with people who just transmit the same repertoire of stories and anecdotes regardless of their

surroundings and the company. It is as if they are trying to

block out the here and now.

I have been with people in what could be a perfect shared

106

moment for example looking over a mirror calm sea looking at a

perfect and spectacular sunset; when all that was needed was

some quiet contemplation to savour the moment in the quiet companionship of good friendship. But sadly so often someone

would feel the need to block out the experience by filling the space with a long and tiresome anecdote the relevance of which

is only in the mind of the expounder. The group are then

dragged away from the present to another time and place and most will merely shut down or switch off and chuckle politely at

the end.

Similarly I see friends and couples out together perhaps having a meal in lovely surroundings where the moment absolutely

calls for them to be concentrating on each other and engaging

and connecting with each other, but where instead they are just staring at and playing with their smart phones. They might

just as well have stayed at home in a small city flat as they are making no effort whatsoever to enjoy and be there for the real

moment and life that is in front of them. Instead they are falling

back into a habit of aimless playing with texts, social networking, and apps which are a comfort zone that dull the

senses and do not require any effort to face the present with

freshness and enthusiasm.

(vi) Be there for other people- not somewhere else.

Be present for the people that you meet and interact with

during the day. Increasingly people do not even concentrate on

conversations with their friends or partner. Often people are just nodding while actually thinking about something else, or

glancing at their mobile phones or the TV. You might think

that the other person does not notice, but trust me they do and they feel devalued, isolated and disappointed that you treat

them in that way.

(vii) Do not always be planning the future

You will have heard the saying ‗Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans‘ usually attributed to

107

John Lennon.

Many people spend their working week looking forward to the

weekend and their weekend looking forward to their holidays. But until you learn to live in and enjoy the present and the Now

your weekends and holidays, when they finally arrive, will almost always be a disappointment.

So do not spend your life looking forward to things. In any case

the things you look forward to the most often do not live up to expectations whereas those times that you have little

expectations about can often turn out to be unexpectedly

enjoyable. Learn that you cannot predict or control how life is going to feel. Spending your time looking forward to things does

not make them more enjoyable and is just another way of

ignoring the present.

Some people spend their lives preparing for the future and

sacrificing the present as something that they have to get through in order to build their dream life. But this is doomed to

failure because preparing to live rather than living now becomes

a mindset. Always thinking that at some mythical point you will allow yourself to start enjoying the present is a delusion because

sacrificing the present becomes a habit that is very hard to

break. Don‘t get me wrong, you can be saving for a deposit, or working for a qualification and still enjoying the present. So by

all means invest in a better future for you and your family; just make sure that you savour and enjoy life along the way.

(viii) Do not always be thinking that the present is ‗not good enough‘.

It is the case that for many people life is what happens to them whilst they are busy believing that for one reason or another

they are being prevented from spending their time on what they planned or wanted to be doing. Instead they feel frustrated

that they are for example spending it on finishing some other

job that is taking longer than it ‗should‘, dealing with some unexpected problem or accident, or having to talk to a stranger

108

who wants to be sociable and thereby ‗waste‘ their time. They

are searching continuously for something ‗more‘, believing that

everything would be fine ‗if only‘. The reality is that your life is the time you spend stuck in traffic, is the time you spend

mopping up the drink you have just knocked over, is the unplanned and unscheduled conversation with a stranger in the

supermarket. It is the picking up of a book or newspaper and

getting engrossed in something interesting, is investigating why the heating has suddenly stopped working. Life is as it is and is

happening perfectly. Enjoy the ride and stop struggling. There

can be magic and fun in every moment if you turn off that part of the mind that chatters on telling you ‗if only‘ you were

somewhere else with somebody else, doing something different!

It is in the very ordinariness of mundane life that the extraordinary reveals itself.

(ix) Be Flexible

Living in the moment requires that you do not stick rigidly to a

pre-conceived plan for how your day should be. When someone in your life is suggesting that you do something different from

what you had originally planned, then listen with an open mind.

Living in the moment is about being flexible and light on your feet. Sticking rigidly to your own plan is a form of trying to

prevent life unfolding as it is. When someone else wants you do something different, of course, they may be ‗wrong‘ but they may

also be ‗right‘ so be open minded. When someone persuades you

to change your plan or schedule it can often turn out that this was a better decision. It also has the benefit that the other

person feels better because they have succeeded in influencing

you. When you do change your plan to accommodate someone else‘s suggestions buy into it whole heartedly and give it your

full commitment. Living in the moment means not being

stubborn and inflexible, and clinging to a preconceived plan that is in your head. Life is a lot more fun if you are open

spontaneously to enjoy unplanned events and unexpected opportunities that come your way.

109

What it means to live in the moment

Paying attention to the wonder of it all.

Connection with the beauty of the universe- really see!

Enjoying the moment.

Knowing and believing that you can be as happy and

enjoy your time as much on your own as when with your

friends or loved ones.

Feeling your life is so much fun you almost feel guilty

about it!

Feeing love for yourself and those around you.

Feeling inner peace, serenity and contentment.

Tasting every second of life like you are sampling a fine wine.

Being aware of all of your senses.

Really feeling the magic of physical contact with your

loved ones.

Genuinely wondering how can it ever be for some people that now is not enough?

110

29. Loving And Accepting Your Body

This topic looms large and is so high on most people‘s agenda that it merits its own chapter. A large proportion of people,

particularly women, have issues with their body image and this

has a profound influence on their inner peace and self esteem. But I have left dealing with it until now because it is vital that

you first understood the material on loving yourself, the Law of

Attraction, and visualisation before I covered it. Hopefully, by now you will have seen a pattern in my advice and be able to

work some of this out for yourself.

In my experience, nearly everyone would like to change things

about their body so you can be forgiven for succumbing to this

yourself from time to time. But the advice given in the previous chapters pertains. It is paramount that you accept yourself and

love yourself as you are. There is someone for everyone and the

important things are to be loving, positive, authentic and fun to be with. If you are like this then nothing about your body will

hold you back in life or preclude you from being loved.

Most people need to feel that they are ‗fit for life‘ and be ‗comfortable‘ with their general weight and fitness to have the

energy and motivation to strive to follow a journey of spiritual development. You need to strive for a level of health and

wellness that is right for you to provide the platform for you to

develop your spirituality. But you need to be realistic about what is sensible and achievable for you.

There is so much written on keeping fit and eating and drinking

sensibly and healthily that I would simply encourage you to choose and define your own practices, diet and exercise

programme. You should consider what are the key ingredients for you and construct something that is relevant and

challenging while at the same time achievable. I suggest you

write your plan down; it does not need to be long. In fact, I would suggest keeping it simple and to one page. I would also

encourage you to accept gracefully the general deterioration of

111

advancing years and be realistic about striving for levels of

fitness that are commensurate with your age.

I want to remind you about visualisation and goals in the context of getting fit and losing weight. If you visualise the body

and level of fitness that you desire, then you have taken the first step to thinking and behaving in the very way that will attract

the body that you want. But you have to be sincere and honest

about it because, as you now know, that is how attraction works. If underneath, you are still at the mercy of negative energy and

negative emotion then that will control the type of body you will

attract. The good news is that deciding what you want to change, with a positive and genuine heart, is enough to begin

making it happen.

You have to feel good about yourself and love yourself and that includes your body and physical appearance. If you feel bad

about your body or, even more extreme, you actually hate your body, then you will continue attracting more ‗feeling bad‘ about

your body. This will manifest itself in lack of willpower to gain

control of your diet and fitness due to negative feelings such as, ‗it is all hopeless, I am not worth it, I will always be overweight,

eating to combat depression, eating is the only pleasure I get‘,

and so on. You have to feel that you are already beautiful, you have to already love yourself and your body, and feel good about

all your other qualities such as your personality and character, your eyes and smile, and then you will attract the good things

you want regarding your weight and fitness.

It is all about how you think about yourself and how you think about food. You can reprogram how you think about your body,

weight and food. One way of doing this is through

hypnotherapy. If you can afford to see a professional hypnotherapy practitioner then fine but if not do not worry as

you can achieve this for yourself by down loading weight loss /

dieting tracks from e.g. Itunes. You can use these to reprogram your sub-conscious mind to eat only what you really need, and to

eat only healthy foods and to be satisfied by smaller proportions.

112

But it can only be successful if you love and respect your body

and treat it with kindness. When I was much younger , before I

understood these things , when I went on a diet I used to declare war on my body and consider it the enemy! How wrong I was. It

is absolutely not your enemy. Your body has served you faithfully so far and you should in your mind thank it and be

grateful to it. If you do not have this attitude then any weight

loss programme is doomed to failure.

By all means set some goals for improving your fitness and

weight loss. But remember as we have already covered, there is

only the present moment and the role of these goals is the positive attitude, positive energy and emotion that working

towards a goal generates moment by moment. So, the outcome

or result of a goal is not about the achievement of the goal but the cumulative effect of the positive thinking along the way,

moment by moment. Returning to the example of losing weight this could translate into the feeling that your weight is no longer

out of control, and that instead you are now in control of it and

your feelings about it. What endures and shapes you is the cumulative positive emotion and positive energy that is

engendered by feeling that you are now in control of your

thoughts and behaviours. So if you adopt a fitness and weight loss program you will start to feel better about yourself right

from the outset on day 1. It is not something that you have to wait for until you have achieved a goal.

So in summary having goals about your body‘s appearance is

fine but you need the wisdom to truly understand that it is the change in your thoughts - cultivating loving yourself , self

esteem, being in control of your thoughts - that is engendered by

pursuing the goal- which is the source of happiness. And loving your body as it is, is part of being happy in the moment and

loving yourself unconditionally.

113

30. Loving And Accepting Others

The Beatles sang ‗all you need is love, love is all you need‘ and

they were right. It is fundamental to being spiritual to truly love and cherish those around you in your life.

Love is the ultimate emotion to which man can aspire. In

‗normal‘ life this is unquestionably true but even in the most hopeless, awful and desperate situation you can still know bliss

and contentment through the contemplation of loved ones.

Practising loving kindness is also fundamental to spiritual behaviour and could be defined as having a strong wish for the

welfare, well being, and happiness of others. This may take the

form of things like consideration, compassion, empathy, sympathy, wanting the best for others, or support for others all

motivated by warm hearted affection.

On a day-to-day basis consider what practical steps can you take

to put your love for those around you into practice?

Practical steps to expressing love:

Practise interest in others.

Look for ways in which you see that we are all the same

and in the same boat.

Look for the good / best in people.

Treat each and every person respectfully regardless of

your perception or assumption about their social or

economic or any other supposed status.

Be open and accepting so that people can feel comfortable

around you.

Find ways to connect personally with others at an honest

human level. Ask sensitive questions and identify

common areas of interest,

114

Practice tolerance.

Wear a smile. A smile contains so much information from

within and makes others feel better.

Show compassion for others.

Practice loving kindness.

Your primary relationship with your partner

It is important to remember that how we feel comes from

within. We are reminded of this because the feelings of love and

joy that we experience when we are ‗in love‘ exist in us already and the object of our love is simply the catalyst who awakens

these feelings in ourselves. However we must not be reliant or

completely dependent on others for our happiness. To be happy you must firstly love yourself, and then you must have some sort

of interior life - your own interests, hobbies and indeed other

friends. I have seen this expressed as ‗we must have a relationship with ourselves before we can be in a true

relationship with another.‘ It is a heavy burden to make another human being feel responsible for our happiness. Furthermore in

the long run life partners need to feel proud of and respect each

other, and for this to happen you must have more to offer each other than simply loving the other person.

Building on this you have a lot of control about the relationship

you have with your partner. It is often true that you get the partner that you deserve as your partner will take their lead

from you. Think about being a good partner yourself rather than constantly questioning whether your partner is one. It is

largely true that if you are loving, loyal, kind and considerate to

them then you will receive this in return. Your primary relationship will largely be a mirror of your true self.

Unconditional love for someone else is not however about what

love you get back. When we feel unconditional love it is reflecting the love that is in ourselves and our spirit soars. The

115

love that we feel does not come from the other person but is

awakened in us.

Being with the right partner is about how you are when you are with them and what they awaken in you, and secondly and

equally importantly whether you feel unconditional and unselfish love for them and their well being.

It is fundamental that you cherish your partner and encourage

them to be themselves. It is by allowing them to be free and to follow their ambitions and explore their talents that you

‗possess‘ them. You must recognise your partner‘s individuality

and give each other space rather than making them account for everything and seeking to control them. Your partner should

feel that you are totally on their side wanting the best for them

and similarly you too should feel that, more than any other person, your partner is totally on your side. This mutual

‗supportiveness‘ is one of the most crucial factors to a successful primary relationship.

The person that you believe your partner to be is a projection of

your mind. It is likely that you glorify and idealise them but in practice they have faults and have traits that are not always

nice just like you do. Similarly, just as you do, they will have

secrets and thoughts that they will not wish to share with you. So be realistic with regards to your expectations of your partner.

When you argue and your partner is not as you wish them to be take the wider view and remember all the things that unite you.

It is likely that you are far more alike than different.

And what if you are unattached and looking for love? In our culture today many people see love as the solution to

unhappiness and by love in this context I mean a new primary

relationship. You frequently see people advertising for a ‗soul mate‘ in dating columns like they were ordering a pizza. But

until you have become a happy person in yourself and cultivated

inner peace a new primary relationship will never be the solution to unhappiness. The best advice to people in this

116

situation is to concentrate for now on developing the spiritual

behaviours discussed here, and secondly stop trying to force

their imagined agenda and instead concentrate on broadening their social circle by taking up new activities rather than

chasing romantic liaisons. You need to be open, loving and flexible and allow life to unfold in its mysterious way. If you do

this I guarantee that, when you are ready, love will find you.

You also need to ask yourself honestly if you are ready to be ‗in love‘. To be in love you must be ‗in love‘ material; this is just the

same as to have a best friend you must be ‗best friend‘ material.

Maybe you are not ready yet and maybe that is why it has not happened yet. You must be capable of giving unconditional

selfless love to another human being and to genuinely want the

best for another person. For it to be possible for another person to awaken these qualities of generosity of spirit in you, they

must be present in you already. Maybe, if you are honest, you like your freedom too much to really want the day-to-day

negotiation that being in a relationship demands. Remember

that your emotional life is largely a reflection of your inner self. It is far from being just dependent on meeting the ‗right‘ person

or finding your ‗soul mate‘. In truth most people who have

successful relationships would admit that there may be other potential partners out there with whom they could be happy and

make a life. The truth is it is much more about you being the right person than you not finding the right person. The potential

to be ‗in love‘ must be inside you but the good news is that

everybody can, if they really want to, become a worthy candidate.

117

31. Letting Go And Letting Be

In your life do your best to be the best person you can and live by the principles in this book but you must let go of the outcomes. Think to yourself that things are as they are and life is as it is which is not always how you want it to be. Letting go is letting be. Roll with the punches, and go with the flow.

Alternatively if your mind becomes accustomed to dwelling

solely on the pain and wounding that events or people can inflict, you can reach a point where everything, however trivial,

annoys you. Eventually everything that happens will assume a hostile status in your mind and you will be constantly

bemoaning your luck to others around you.

Let other people around you be who they are and settle into the relationships with them on this basis. Others around you are

not perfect but then neither are you. Making demands on others

around you that they must behave in the way you think is right can destroy relationships. It is particularly important that you

practice letting be in your relationships with your friends and

family. You cannot control other people and after gently trying to influence them, if you are unable to let go and let be, you are

surely in for an unhappy life.

From time to time in life, unless you are very lucky, you will

have to face seriously challenging events and situations. How

we cope with tragedy, disaster and bereavement depends a great deal on our attitude. Suffering can be intense without

destroying our outlook on life. Once we have acquired inner

peace and serenity it is easier to maintain our fortitude, and recover our strength quicker when confronted by difficult

external circumstances. If we allow ourselves be overwhelmed and paralysed by our personal problems, however tragic, we

only increase our difficulties and become a burden on those

around us. In time you will start to live again. Accepting tragedy involves giving up old plans and dreams, and not

spending the remainder of your life mourning what might have

118

been. In time you can begin living a new life- albeit a life forever

changed by the tragic event, believing that there is always a life

worth having and living, and that despite tragedy, life does indeed go on.

119

32. Feeling Lucky and Being Lucky

If there is no pre destiny and no life referee, then logically, there is no such thing as luck. But there is more to it than that. We

all know that some people seem ‗lucky‘ and also we know that at

times we can feel ‗lucky‘.

Of course the randomness of events means that a statistically

unlikely bad thing can happen to you for example an accident or

illness and if you define that as ‗bad luck‘ then nobody is immune from that.

The question is how can we raise the odds of feeling and enjoying generally ‗good luck‘ ?

Firstly you can feel lucky by truly appreciating and feeling

grateful for all the good in your life and not dwelling on the elements you would like to change i.e. thinking positive.

Conversely if you are feeling ungrateful then this negative

emotion and negative energy will attract more of everything you do not like or are dissatisfied with.

Secondly you can definitely make your own luck by

unconditionally giving out love and positive energy, and building a network of friends, supporters and allies who will

look after you when they get the choice and chance. You make your own luck in this life everyday and this is largely through

how you treat and deal with other people. All human

interactions can lead to other things for you, often in the future, in ways you can never predict or imagine. But people need to

like you and feel you are someone they could work or play with

and can trust. For a successful life work on the principle that you are never in an anonymous situation and behave

accordingly, and that it is a small world and everyone knows everybody else directly or indirectly. Clearly they do not but

there are far more unknown connections that are invisible to

you than you would ever imagine.

Thirdly, the saying that ‗the more I practise the luckier I get‘ is

120

absolutely true. Another way this is expressed is that ‗Luck is

preparation meeting opportunity‘. If you decide what you want

in life and work and prepare for it, when events occur that can potentially be a step towards that goal you are ready to seize

that chance. People who have already thought about what they want and studied their options can recognise a good tactical

card when it is dealt to them and act decisively. Sadly some

people are not clear about what they want, and are fearful of making decisions and as a result allow good cards to slip

through their fingers. Almost everybody can think of an

example of an opportunity that they passed up and subsequently regret.

As you get older you will find that you regret what you do not

do, and very rarely what you do. You regret the decisions that you did not make, not those that you did.

You must always of course have no expectations and having done the work and preparation let go of the outcome. Remember

it was always the preparation (the effort) that was the result,

and not the outcome. So when the planned for ‗break‘ does not come, you can still feel lucky, and so often in life something else

good happens instead if you are open and flexible and not rigid.

Life is as it is and is not following a plan that is in your mind.

121

33. Enjoying Your Better Life To The Full

Life without limits

You are now free from the self limiting influences of your past

and your old ways of thinking. At the start of this book I promised you a better life. But I have an admission to make. I

did not tell you the whole story. Your life does not have to stop

at just being better. It can just get better and better as you feel more and more happy. This is no pipe dream. This is something

that large numbers of people who have chosen to follow a spiritual path of personal transformation towards peace,

serenity and happiness are experiencing. After a while when

you truly have regained control of your mind, are thinking for yourself and seeing reality you will find that it is perfectly

normal to feel indescribable bliss and euphoria in quite ordinary

situations. You will be able to just sit and be on your own and feel that your life is just marvellous. You will really start to see

the magic and wonder in everything around you.

Spiritual people can and do reach great heights of happiness

and serenity that they genuinely find it difficult to cope with

how truly delightful life can feel. A nice problem to have I hear you say but you really can be one of them. You can find that

things just feel wonderful, and life miraculous, You can find, as

you really learn to live in the moment and accept life as it is and savour the ride, that life just becomes pleasurable and exciting

all the time. And this may be coupled with an overwhelming

and bursting love for your family and those around you. Add to this really seeing the beauty that surrounds us all and for

example the stunning majestic beauty of dawn and sunset and natural landscapes. But when these moments arise they are

absolutely not something to feel guilty or selfish about. What

you are experiencing is reality and how life can and should feel.

Sublime moments of enlightenment when you experience

complete peace and serenity can be overwhelming and even

intimidating. You may feel that somehow you should be

122

capturing it and bottling it, but that is your mind up to its old

tricks. You know now that you cannot capture it and that being

open to fully experiencing life in the moment is how and why these sublime moments arise in the first place.

So now you do everything to the best of your ability, and with good intent, knowing you are relaxed and in a perfect frame of

mind; calm, relaxed, confident and positive. This will become a

virtuous circle. With these resources you know that you are directing your life now, and are confident your life will bring

good things to you. What you desire or even something better

will present itself if you simply allow your life to unfold naturally without trying to force it or grasping. Through this

you are happier, and with each day that passes, if you anticipate

happiness, then happiness will be yours. And of course you feel better because you are happier, and you are happier because

you feel better!!

The older I get the more exciting and miraculous and

unbounded I realise that life is. Unfortunately you often do not

fully appreciate how magical and wonderful life is until you get older and when they say that ‗youth is wasted on the young‘

there is some truth to it. And the irony is that when you truly

wake up, you see that happiness was there all along, and you just could not see it. You just could not feel it because your mind

was making too much noise. Please do not wait until you are old, or no longer in perfect health before you wake up to just

how wonderful, magical and miraculous your life is. There will

probably come a time when you will give anything for just one more day or even an hour. Life is precious. Don‘t take it for

granted. See the reality that in a cold inert dead universe our

lives and every second of this wondrous and magical experience called consciousness and the ability to think are just the most

precious, amazing and miraculous gifts.

Now please go, be happy and fully savour this most amazing

123

and wondrous gift of life to the full.

Thank you for reading this book and I so sincerely hope that it

has helped you and touched you, and will change your life.

With love from Bob Our Community

You can obtain ongoing support from us and other kindred

spirits from around the world who are followers and supporters in a variety of ways none of which involve any fees of any kind.

We love to receive comments and feedback from you especially

the experiences of people who are following the guidance and the path.

Our email address

You are welcome to contact us by email to discuss any questions

you have and to ask for advice at Bob.brown@btopenworld.com.

Our Website

If you would like to contact us with comments or for any advice or support we can also be contacted via the email address on

our website www.Life-howtobehappy.com

Our website also features other How To Be Happy related material, and lists the sites where our guides are published and

can be downloaded.

Our Facebook page

If you are a Facebook user we would encourage you visit our Facebook page which has the name

Life-HowToBehappy.com and LIKE it. You can also access it

via www.facebook.com/howtobehappypages

This will help us build visibility and momentum for the How To

124

Be Happy project and attract others to read the publications.

Also our intention with this Facebook page is that progressively

people will leave uplifting messages of their own about moments of happiness that they experience during their everyday lives

which will inspire and encourage other followers. In this way our Facebook page will genuinely become a HAPPY page.

Our Other Publication

Our first popular publication How To Be Happy has now had

over 5000 downloads and is helping followers and supporters around the world. You can download this book for free from

Free-eBooks.net or our Facebook page or website.

125

This book was distributed courtesy of:

For your own Unlimited Reading and FREE eBooks today, visit:http://www.Free-eBooks.net

Share this eBook with anyone and everyone automatically by selecting any of the options below:

To show your appreciation to the author and help others have wonderful reading experiences and find helpful information too,

we'd be very grateful if you'd kindlypost your comments for this book here.

COPYRIGHT INFORMATION

Free-eBooks.net respects the intellectual property of others. When a book's copyright owner submits their work to Free-eBooks.net, they are granting us permission to distribute such material. Unless otherwise stated in this book, this permission is not passed onto others. As such, redistributing this book without the copyright owner's permission can constitute copyright infringement. If you

believe that your work has been used in a manner that constitutes copyright infringement, please follow our Notice and Procedure for Making Claims of Copyright Infringement as seen in our Terms of Service here:

http://www.free-ebooks.net/tos.html

http://www.foboko.com