HOWTOHAVECONFIDENCEANDPOWERIN

DEALINGWITHPEOPLE

LesGiblin

PRENTICEHALLPRESS

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Giblin,Les.Howtohaveconfidenceandpowerindealingwithpeople/

LesGiblin.ISBN:978-1-101-65924-3I.Title.

1956 56-10381 CIP

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TomywifeGretchenandmymotherElizabeth

whoseinspiration,guidance,andhelpmadethisbookpossible

CONTENTS

WHATTHISBOOKCANDOFORYOU

PARTONEMAKINGHUMANNATUREWORKFORYOU

1.YOURKEYTOSUCCESSANDHAPPINESSMerelygettingalongisn’ttheanswerThereason90percentofpeoplefailinlifeWheresuccessandhappinesscomefromYourpersonalityproblemsareyourproblemswithotherpeopleHorse-and-buggymethodswon’tworkinanatomicageDavyCrockett’sworldisnomoreHumanengineeringismoreimportantthantechnicalknowledgePeopleareheretostay

TestedMethodsforGettingWhatYouWantSkilldependsonmasteringcertainbasicprinciples

Chapter1inanutshell

2.HOWTOUSETHEBASICSECRETFORINFLUENCINGOTHERSLet’slookattheothersideofegotismWeareallegotists:fourfactsoflifeWhatmakespeopleself-centeredandconceited?HowtouseLS/MFTHowtoturnalionintoalambThesameprincipleworksonchildrenorkingsGivetheotherfellowapersonalreasontohelpyou

TheEssenceofChapter2

3.HOWTOCASHINONYOURHIDDENASSETSTrygivingawayyourwealthEveryoneishungryforthisfood

Youmust“recognize”theotherperson

ThreeWaystoMakePeopleFeelImportant1.Thinkotherpeopleareimportant2.Noticeotherpeople3.Don’tlorditoverpeople

PointstoRememberinChapter3

PARTTWOHOWTOCONTROLTHEACTIONSANDATTITUDESOFOTHERS

4.HOWYOUCANCONTROLTHEACTIONSANDATTITUDESOFOTHERSHowtoadopttheattitudeandactionyouwanttheotherfellowtoexpressWhenyou’reshoutedat,youmustshoutbackHowtocontrolangerinothersEnthusiasmiscatchingConfidencebreedsconfidence:howtomakethemostofitMoneyinthebankforsalesmenHowtoputmagnetisminyourpersonality

LittleThingsGiveYouAway1.Watchyourwalk2.Yourtattle-talehandshake3.Yourtoneofvoice

HowtoUsetheOnlyWaytoMakePeopleDoBetter

Chapter4inBrief

5.HOWYOUCANCREATEAGOODIMPRESSIONONOTHERPEOPLEKnowwhatyouwant,thensoundoffaccordingly

HowtoCreateaGoodFirstImpressionOtherpeopleacceptyouatyourownappraisalHowmanypeopleunwittinglycreateabadimpressionGettingpeopletosay“yes”toyouAssumethattheotherpersonwilldowhatyouwant

Chapter5inaFewWords

PARTTHREETECHNIQUESFORMAKINGANDKEEPINGFRIENDS

6.HOWTOUSETHREEBIGSECRETSFORATTRACTINGPEOPLE

TheTriple-AFormulaforAttractingPeople1.AcceptanceHowtomakeyourmarriagevowscometrueAcceptanceisatwo-edgedswordHowtomakeyourhusband/wifesuccessful

2.ApprovalAcureforincorrigiblechildrenGooutofthewaytoapprove

3.AppreciationismagicOtherpeoplearevaluabletoyouDon’ttalkstation-to-station,butperson-to-personWeliketobesingledout,notconsideredoneofthemobTakealessonfromMotherNature

AQuickRundownonChapter6

7.HOWTOMAKETHEOTHERFELLOWFEELFRIENDLY—INSTANTLYHowtousethemagicswitchthatturnsonfriendlyfeelingsHowIlearnedmyroommate’ssecretFearofpeopledrivesthemawayTakeachancehe’sfriendly;theoddsareinyourfavorDon’tbeaneager-beaverRelax—andtakeitforgrantedthatyou’llbeliked

WorkMiracleswithaSmileWhatasmilesaysSmilefromwaydowndeepLetgoandsmile!Howtousemirror-magicHowtodevelopagenuinesmileYoucantestthepowerofasmileUseyourmillion-dollarassetWhatelsehasthemagicofasmile?

Chapter7inSummary

PARTFOURHOWEFFECTIVESPEAKINGTECHNIQUESCANHELPYOU

SUCCEED

8.HOWYOUCANDEVELOPSKILLINUSINGWORDSTheonethingsuccessfulpeoplehaveincommonHappinessdependsontalkHowto“strikeup”aconversationU-turnsandgreenlightskeepconversationgoingAdeadlysininhumanrelationsandhowtoavoiditWhentotalkaboutyourselfThemagicofagreementUse“HappyTalk”SitrightdownandwriteyourselfaletterWhatyourbestfriendwon’ttellyou

AShortRefresheronChapter8

9.HOWTOUSETHETECHNIQUETHATASUPREMECOURTJUSTICECALLED“WHITEMAGIC”Listeningmakesyou“clever”Peoplewilltellyouwhattheywantfromyou,ifyou’lllistenToomuchtalkgivesyouawayListeninghelpsovercomeself-consciousnessHowlisteningcanmakeyourich

SevenWaystoPracticeListening

10.HOWTOGETOTHERSTOSEETHINGSYOURWAY…QUICKLY!

Whythe“NaturalWay”IsWrongSciencediscoversawaytowinargumentsLowpressureisthesecretTheamazingfactthatascientificanalysisof10,000actualargumentsproduced

HowtopersuadebyworkingwithhumannatureHowtoreachtheotherperson’ssubconsciousmind

SixTestedRulesforWinningArguments1.Lethimstatehiscase2.Pausebeforeyouanswer

3.Don’tinsistonwinning100percent4.Stateyourcasemoderatelyandaccurately5.Speakthroughthirdpersons6.Lettheotherpersonsaveface

Chapter10inaNutshell

PARTFIVEHOWTOMANAGEPEOPLESUCCESSFULLY

11.HOWTOGET100PERCENTCOOPERATIONANDINCREASEYOURBRAINPOWERHowtogettheotherfellowtogoalloutMakethemfeelit’stheirproblem,tooHowtouseparticipativemanagementinthehomeWhynotmultiplyyourownbrainpower10or100times?Howthe“powerofpeople”multipliedMcCormick’ssales1,500percentHowtogetotherstosupportyourideasSetupyourownbraintrust

TheMagicSecretofAskingforAdvice

TheMeatintheCoconutforChapter11

12.HOWTOUSEYOURMIRACLEPOWERINHUMANRELATIONSHowpraisereleasesenergyHowtoapplypraisetohumanrelationsTheonethingpeoplewantmostHowtoperformasmallmiracleeverydayBegenerouswithkindstatementsSixrulesforsaying“thankyou”Asimpleformulatoboostyourownhappiness

TwoRulesforAdministeringPraise1.Itmustbesincere2.Praisetheactortheattribute,ratherthantheperson

Chapter12SummedUp

13.HOWTOCRITICIZEOTHERSWITHOUTOFFENDINGTHEMLet’slookatcriticisminanewlightHowtokeeptheotherfellowonthebeam

TheSevenMustsforSuccessfulCriticism1.Criticismmustbemadeinabsoluteprivacy2.Prefacecriticismwithakindwordorcompliment3.Makethecriticismimpersonal;criticizetheact,nottheperson4.Supplytheanswer5.Askforcooperation;don’tdemandit6.Onecriticismtoanoffense7.Finishinafriendlyfashion

MemoryJoggersforChapter13

PARTSIXYOURHUMANRELATIONSWORKBOOK

14.ASIMPLE,EFFECTIVEPLANOFACTIONTHATWILLBRINGYOUSUCCESSANDHAPPINESSThepositiveattitudewillbringsuccessWritedownyourobjectives

MyHumanRelationsPrograminMyWork

MyHumanRelationsPrograminMyHome

MyHumanRelationsPrograminMySocialLife

YourSelf-ImprovementProgramAself-analysischecklist

YOUMustWritetheEndtoThisBook

WHATTHISBOOKCANDOFORYOU

Let’sbehonestaboutit:wedowantthingsfromotherpeople.Wewantotherpeople’sgoodwillandfriendship.Wewanttheiracceptanceandrecognition.

Abusinessmanwantsbusinessfromotherpeople.Ahusbandandwifewantloveandaffectionfromeachother.Aparentwantsobedience.Achildwantssecurityandlove.Asalesmanwantsotherpeopletosigntheirnamesonadottedline.Abosswantsloyalty,production,cooperation.Anemployeewantsrecognitionandcreditforwhathedoes.

Everynormalhumanbeingwantssuccessandhappiness.Haveyoueverthoughtaboutthefactthatotherpeopleplayanimportantpartinanyrealsuccessorhappinessthatweenjoy?Itislargelythroughourdealingswithotherpeoplethatwebecomesuccessful.Andregardlessofwhatyourdefinitionofhappinessmaybe,alittlethoughtwillconvinceyouthatyourownhappinessislargelydependentuponthesortofrelationshipsyouhavewithotherpeople.

Whynotgoafterwhatyouwant?Let’snotapologizeforthefactthatweneedwhatotherpeoplehavetooffer.Let’snotapologizeforthefactthatwewanttobesuccessfulinourdealingswithothers.

Instead,let’sgettogetherinthisbookandhaveaheart-to-hearttalkabouthowyoucangoaboutgettingwhatyouwantfromotherpeople.

IhavenoPollyannatheoriesabouthowpeopleoughttoact,andnogimmicksorgizmoesforgettingalongwithothersbykeepingdownyourowndesires.

Instead,IwanttotellyouinthisbooksomethingsIhavediscoveredabouthowhumanbeingsdoactandreact,andhowyoucanusethesethingstogetwhatyouwant,whetheritisaraisefromyourboss,anorderfromaprospect,orgoodwillfromanewneighbor.

Ithasbeensaidthat“Knowledgeispower.”Knowledgeabouthumannatureasitis—notastheoristssayitoughttobe—canhelpyougetwhatyouwantfromotherpeople.

Themethodspresentedinthisbookdonotrepresentanyhigh-flungtheories

thatIdreamedup,butrepresenttestedmethodsandtechniquesthatgrewoutofmanyyears’workinmyhumanrelationsclinics.Theyhaveprovedthemselvesinthelivesofthousandsofpeople.

Thesemethodsmayupsetsomepopularideas.Buttheydohaveoneadvantage:Theywork!

Everybodywins;nobodylosesThousandsofpeopleknowthattheywantthingsfromotherpeople.Buttheyaretimidingoingafterwhattheywantinthefearthatsatisfyingtheirowndesireswouldbeselfish.Theyinstinctivelyfeelthatsecuringsuccessandhappinessforthemselveswouldnecessarilymeandeprivingsomeotherhumanbeingofsomesuccessorhappiness.

Let’sgetonethingstraight:successfulhumanrelationsmeansgivingtheotherfellowsomethinghewantsinreturnforsomethingyouwant.Anyothermethodofdealingwithpeoplesimplydoesn’twork.Thereaderwhohasnoscruplesabouttakingwhathewantsfromotherpeoplewithoutgivingsomethinginreturndoesnotneedabookonhumanrelations.

Thisbookiswrittenforthosethousandsofpeoplewhowouldliketomastertheartofgettingwhattheywantfromtheotherfellow—andmakingtheotherfellowhappyaboutit.

ThethreebasicmethodsofdealingwithpeopleNohumanbeingisself-sufficient.Eachofusneedsthingsthatotherpeoplehavetooffer.Youhavethingsthatotherpeopleneed.Allourdealingswithotherpeoplearebasedupontheseneeds.Thereareonlythreebasicwaysinwhichwedealwithotherpeople:

1.Youcantakewhatyouneedfromtheotherfellowbyforce,threats,intimidation,orbyoutsmartinghim.Althoughcriminalsnaturallyfallinthiscategory,manyrespectablepeopleemploythismethodinmoresubtleways.

2.Youcanbecomeahumanrelationsbeggar,andbegotherpeopletogiveyouthethingsyouwant.Thissubmissivetypeofpersonalitymakesadealwithotherpeople:“Iwon’tassertmyselfinanywayorcauseyouanytrouble,andinreturnyoubenicetome.”

3.Youcanoperateuponabasisoffairexchange,orgive-and-take.You

makeityourbusinesstogiveotherpeoplethingstheywantandneed,andinvariablytheywillturnaroundandgiveyouthethingsyouneed.

HowtotapyourunusedassetsYouwon’tfindanythinginthisbookaboutthefirsttwomethodsmentionedabove.Instead,youwilllearntestedmethodsforgettingwhatyouwantbygivingotherpeoplewhattheywant.

Rightnowyouhaveinabundancemanythingsthatotherpeoplewant.Offerthesethingstootherpeopleandtheywillgladlygiveyousuccessandhappinessinreturn.Maybeyouhaveneverfullyrealizedthatyoupossessvaluableassetsthatotherpeoplearehungryfor.Iwanttotellyouabouttheseassetsinthisbook.

YoucangetwhatyouwantandhelpothersatthesametimeFormanyyears,wehaveassumedthatifweattemptedtosatisfyourowndesiresforsuccessandhappiness,wewouldofnecessitydeprivesomeotherpersonofsatisfyinghisownwants.Buttheevidenceallpointsintheotherdirection.

Ahappyhumanbeingismorelikelytospreadhappinessthananunhappyhumanbeing.Aprosperoushumanbeingismorelikelytobenefitthosewithwhomhedealsthanisachronicfailure.Apersonwhohasreasonablysatisfiedhisowndesiresismuchmoregenerousandconsiderateintakingintoaccountthedesiresofothersthanisapersonwhoseeverydesirehasbeenfrustrated.

Psychologists,criminologists,ministers,andnowevendoctorstellusthatmostofthetroubleandmiseryinthisworldiscausedbyunhappypeople.Theytellusthatbymakingyourselfmiserableandfrustrated,youaredoingotherpeoplethegreatestdisserviceyoucouldpossiblydevise.

ThekeytosuccessfulhumanrelationsTherealkeytosuccessfulhumanrelationsislearningasmuchaswecanabouthumannatureasitis,notaswethinkitoughttobe.Onlywhenweunderstandjustwhatwearedealingwithareweinapositiontodealwithitsuccessfully.

Solet’stakealookathumannature.Let’sseejustwhatitisthatotherpeoplereallywant.Let’sgettogetherandworkoutsomemethodsforsupplyingtheseneedsandwants.Let’slearnhowtoworkwithhumannature,ratherthanagainstit.

Maybewe’lllearnthatthebigtroublewiththeworldisn’tthatpeoplearemadethewaytheyare,butthatwetoooftenignorethehungersofthepeoplewithwhomwedeal.Youmaybeagreeablysurprisedtofindthathumannaturereallyneedsnoglossingover,noidealizing,butthatthegoodLordreallydidknowwhatHewasdoingwhenHemadeusthewayHedid.

WheneverIhearsomebodyknockinghumannature,andblaminghistroublesonthefactthatthehumanraceissocussed,IamremindedofsomethingthatHarryMatelski,directorofpersonnelforWolf&Dessauer,FortWayne,Indiana,oncesaid:

“Les,”heremarked,“haveyouevernoticedthatamediocretypistisverylikelytoexpressdissatisfactionwiththetypewriter?Andthatapoorgolferisalwaysblamingapoorshotonhissorrygolfclubs?You’llalsofindthatpeoplewithlittleskillinhumanrelationsaretheoneswhoarealwayscussinghumannature—andblamingalltheirtroublesonthefactthatotherpeoplearesoornery.”

HowyoucanhaveconfidenceandpowerindealingwithothersTherealobjectofthisbookistoteachyouhowtohaveconfidenceandpowerindealingwithpeople.

Oneofthebigreasonssomanypeoplelackconfidenceindealingwithothersisthattheydonotunderstandwhattheyaredealingwith.Wearealwaysunsureofourselvesandlackconfidencewhenwearedealingwiththeunknown.Watchamechanictrytorepairtheengineofastrangeautomobilethathedoesnotunderstand.Hehesitates.Hiseverymovementshowslackofconfidence.Thenwatchamastermechanic,whounderstandstheengineheisworkingwith.Hiseverymovementexudesconfidence.Itisthesameforanythingwearedealingwith.Themoreweknowaboutit—themoreconfidencewewillhaveindealingwithit.

Memorizingafew“rules”onhumanrelations,whichyouapplyasiftheyweregimmicks,won’tgiveyouconfidenceindealingwithpeople.Butanunderstandingofhumannatureandanunderstandingofthebasicprinciplesbehindhumanbehaviorwill.Onceyouunderstandwhypeopleactastheydo,you’llautomaticallyfindyourselffeelingmoreconfidentindealingwiththem.

Alongwithanunderstandingofhumannature,thisbookwillalsogiveyoudefinitepracticalmethodstoapply.Youwillbegiventestedtechniquesforputtingintopracticeyourknowledgeofhumannature.Thesetestedtechniqueshaveworkedforthousandsofothers,andtheywillworkforyou.Onceyoubegintoputintopracticeyourknowledgeaboutpeople,youwillfindinyourself

anewpowerindealingwiththem.

…Nowlet’sgetontoChapter1.

PARTONE

MAKINGHUMANNATUREWORKFORYOU

1.YourKeytoSuccessandHappiness

2.HowtoUsetheBasicSecretforInfluencingOthers

3.HowtoCashInonYourHiddenAssets

1YOURKEYTOSUCCESSAND

HAPPINESS

Allofuswanttwothingsoutoflife:SuccessandHappiness.Allofusaredifferent.Yourideaofsuccessmaybedifferentfrommine.But

thereisoneBigFactorwhichallofusmustlearntodealwithifwearetobesuccessfulorhappy.TheBigFactoristhesamewhetheryouarealawyer,doctor,businessman,salesman,parent,salesclerk,housewife,orwhat-not.

Theonecommondenominatortoallsuccessandhappinessisotherpeople.Variousscientificstudieshaveproventhatifyoulearnhowtodealwith

otherpeople,youwillhavegoneabout85percentofthewaydowntheroadtosuccessinanybusiness,occupation,orprofession,andabout99percentofthewaydowntheroadtopersonalhappiness.

Merelygettingalongisn’ttheanswerMerelylearninghowtogetalongwithpeopleisnoguaranteeofeithersuccessorhappiness.TheCasparMilquetoastsinlifehavelearnedawaytogetalongwithpeopletoavoidtrouble.Thetimid,retiring,doormattypeofpersonhaslearnedonewayto“getalongwithpeople,”i.e.,tosimplyletthemwalkoverhim.

Ontheotherextreme,thetyrannical,dictator-liketypeofpersonalsohasworkedoutawayto“getalongwithpeople”:hesimplybeatsdownallopposition,makesadoormatofthem,andproceedstowalkoverthem.

Wedon’tneedanymorebooksonhowtogetalongwithpeople,foreachofusalreadyhashisprivatesystemallworkedout.Eventheneurotichashisownspecialwayofdoingthis,andpsychologiststellusthatneurosisitselfcanbedefinedasapatternofresponseswhichtheneurotichasworkedoutforgettingalongwithpeople.

Whatcountsisawaytogetalongwithpeople,ordealwithpeople,thatwillbringuspersonalsatisfactionandatthesametimenottrampleontheegosofthosewedealwith.Humanrelationsisthescienceofdealingwithpeopleinsuchawaythatouregosandtheiregosremainintact.Andthisistheonlymethodofgettingalongwithpeoplethateverbringsanyrealsuccessoranyrealsatisfaction.

Thereason90percentofpeoplefailinlifeTheCarnegieInstituteofTechnologyanalyzedtherecordsof10,000persons,andarrivedattheconclusionthat15percentofsuccessisduetotechnicaltraining,tobrainsandskillonthejob,and85percentofsuccessisduetopersonalityfactors,totheabilitytodealwithpeoplesuccessfully!

WhentheBureauofVocationalGuidanceatHarvardUniversitymadeastudyofthousandsofmenandwomenwhohadbeenfired,theyfoundthatforeveryonepersonwholosthisjobforfailuretodothework,twopersonslosttheirjobsforfailuretodealsuccessfullywithpeople.

ThepercentageranevenhigherinastudyreportedbyDr.AlbertEdwardWiggam,inhissyndicatedcolumn,“Let’sExploreYourMind.”Outof4,000personswholosttheirjobsinoneyear,only10percentor400lostoutbecausetheycouldnotdothework.Ninetypercent,or3,600ofthem,lostoutbecausetheyhadnotdevelopedthepersonalityforsuccessfullydealingwithotherpeople!

WheresuccessandhappinesscomefromLookaroundyou.Arethemostsuccessfulpeopleyouknowthosewiththemostbrains,themostskill?Arethepeoplewhoarethehappiestandgetthemostfunoutoflifesomuchsmarterthantheotherpeopleyouknow?Ifyouwillstopandthinkaminute,thechancesarethatyouwillsaythatthepeopleyouknowwhoarethemostsuccessful,andenjoylifethemost,arethosewho“haveaway”withotherpeople.

YourpersonalityproblemsareyourproblemswithotherpeopleTherearemillionsofpeopletodaywhoareself-conscious,shy,timid,ill-at-easeinsocialsituations,whofeelinferiorandneverrealizethattheirrealproblemisahumanrelationsproblem.Itneverseemstogetacrosstothemthattheirfailure

asapersonalityisreallyafailureinlearningtodealsuccessfullywithotherpeople.

Therearealmostasmanywho,atleastonthesurface,seemtobetheveryoppositeoftheshy,retiringtype.Theyappeartobeself-assured.Theyare“bossy”anddominateanysocialgrouptheyarein,whetheritisthehome,theoffice,ortheclub.Yettheytoorealizethatsomethingismissing.Theywonderwhytheiremployeesortheirfamiliesdonotappreciatethem.Theywonderwhyotherpeopledon’tcooperatemorewillingly,whyitisnecessarytocontinuallyforcepeopleintoline.Andmostofall,theyrealizeintheirmorecandidmomentsthatthepeopletheyaremostanxioustoimpressneverreallygivethemtheapprovalandacceptancethattheycrave.Theyattempttoforcecooperation,toforceloyaltyandfriendship,toforcepeopletoproduceforthem,buttheonethingtheycannotforceisthethingtheywantthemost.Theycannotforceotherpeopletolikethem,andtheyneverreallygetwhattheywantbecausetheyhavenevermasteredtheartofdealingwithotherpeople.

BonaroOverstreet,inherbookUnderstandingFearinOurselvesandOthers,*saysthatdisruptiveemotionalproblemsalwayshavetheirrootinourrelationswithotherpeople.“Thehumanbeingexperiencesfearwhenhiscarskidsonanicyhighway;butsuchfeardoesnotdistorthispersonality.Heexperiencespainwhenhedropsahammeronhisfoot;butsuchpaindoesnotfosterabroodinghostility….Theonelosshecannottolerateandremaininemotionalhealthislossofgoodwillbetweenhimselfandhisfellowhumans.”

Horse-and-buggymethodswon’tworkinanatomicageTheremighthavebeenatimeinpasthistorywhenaprominentindustrialistcouldsay“Thepeoplebedamned”andgetawaywithit.EvenasrecentlyasWorldWarII,whenconsumergoodswerescarce,salesmen,salesclerks,andbusinessmencouldgetbywithasimilarattitude.

Backbeforethe“emancipationofwomen,”humanrelationsinthehomewerealsoasimplematter.Thehusbandandfathersimplyplayedtheroleoflordandmaster;ifhebroughtitoff,therewaslittletrouble,atleastonthesurface.

Buttimeshavechanged,andpeoplewhoarelivinginthepastandtryingtomakehorse-and-buggymethodsworkinanatomicagearebeingleftbythewayside,farbehindsomejet-poweredexpertinmodern-dayhumanrelations.

Ascivilizationprogresses,asnewinventionsshrinkourworldsmallerandsmaller,asoureconomiclifebecomesmorespecializedandcomplicated,otherpeoplebecomemoreandmoreimportanttous.

DavyCrockett’sworldisnomoreDavyCrockettwasaruggedindividualist,andcouldaffordtobe.Inhisdayhumanbeingswerenotasdependentuponeachotheraswearetoday.Whetherhehadabearsteakorwarmed-overrabbitstewforsupperdependedlargelyuponhisowninclinationandthesharpnessofhisshootingeye.ButwhetherMrs.GiblinenjoysachoicecutofGradeAsteakornotmayverywelldependuponherhumanrelationswiththecornerbutcher,andwhetherornotherhusbandhashadanysuccessindealingwithpeopleduringthepastweek.

DavyCrockett’sskillinhandling“OldBetsy”wasalmostallthatheneeded.Buteventechnicalskillinourmodernworldtakesabackseattoskillindealingwithpeople.Letmegiveyouacoupleofexamples.

HumanengineeringismoreimportantthantechnicalknowledgeIfthereisoneprofessiontodaythatwouldseemtobeentirelyamatteroftechnicalskill,itissurelyengineering.YetPurdueUniversitykeptcarefulrecordsofitsengineeringgraduatesoveraperiodofslightlymorethanfiveyears.Theearningsofthosewhomadetheveryhighestmarksinschool—thosewhoappearedtohavereallymasteredallthetechnicaldetailsandtohavehadthebrainstomastertheirprofession,werecomparedwiththeearningsofthosewhomadethelowestmarks.Therewasbarely$200peryeardifference.

Butwhentheearningsofthosegraduateswhohaddemonstratedamarkedabilitytodealwithothersinsocialsituationswerecompared,itwasfoundthattheyaveragedabout15percentmorethanofthoseinthe“smart”group,andabout33percentmorethanofthosewithlowpersonalityratings.

Itisironicthattodaymanypeopleareverymuchinterestedinimprovingtheirpersonalities,butshowlittleornointerestinhumanrelationstechniques.Yet,asDr.AlbertEdwardWiggam,theeminentpsychologist,haspointedout,whenyouboilpersonalitydowntoitsbasicingredients,itisnothingmorethantheabilitytointerestandserveotherpeople.

PeopleareheretostayWhetherwelikeitornot,peopleareheretostay.Inourmodernworldwesimplycannotachieveanysuccessorhappinesswithouttakingotherpeopleintoaccount.

Thedoctor,thelawyer,thesalesmanwhoenjoysthemostsuccessisnotnecessarilythemanwhoisthemostintelligent,orthemostskillfulinthe

mechanicsofhisjob.Thesalesgirlwhosellsthemostgoodsandhasmorefundoingitisnotnecessarilythemostbeautifulorthebrainiest.

Thehusbandandwifewhoarethehappiestarenottheoneswiththeprettiestfacesorthemosthe-manphysiques.

Lookforasuccessinanylineandyouwillfindamanorwomanwhohasmasteredtheknackofdealingwithpeople—apersonwhohasa“way”withothers.

TestedMethodsforGettingWhatYouWantTome,thisbusinessofhowtodealwithpeoplesuccessfullyhasalwaysbeenoftremendousinterest.ForyearsIstudiedthesuccessfulmenandwomenIknewtotrytoseewhatmadethemtick.Ialsostudiedmenandwomenwhohadfailed,forthesamereason.IreadeverythingIcouldfindonthesubject,butIfoundthatmostofthebookson“gettingalongwithothers”werenotbasedonanyaccuratestudiesofhowpeoplebehaveandwhatpeoplereallywant.Insteadtheyconsistedofsomeone’spetideasofhowpeopleshouldact,andwhatthey“oughtto”want.TheywereeitherPollyanna-typeessaysonhowtoplacateothersbygivingupeverysatisfactionyouwantedforyourself,orelseadviceonhowtodominateothersbya“forcefulpersonality.”

Overaperiodofyears,however,Ifoundthatthereweremenandwomenwhowerequietlyusingtechniquesandmethodsthatworked,notonlyingettingalongwithotherpeople,butingettingwhattheywantedaswell.

Strangelyenough,manyofthemethodsandtechniquesusedbythesepeoplewerethesameoldtechniquesthathadbeenwrittenaboutforyears,butwithonebigdifference.Theywereapplied,notsuperficially,oras“gimmicks,”butwithanunderstandingofhumannature.Theywereusedasprinciplesratherthanplatitudes.

SkilldependsonmasteringcertainbasicprinciplesSkillinhumanrelationsissimilartoskillinanyotherfield,inthatsuccessdependsuponunderstandingandmasteringcertainbasicgeneralprinciples.Youmustnotonlyknowwhattodo,butwhyyou’redoingit.

Don’tbeaJohnny-One-Note.Asfarasbasicprinciplesareconcerned,peopleareallthesame.Yeteachindividualpersonyoumeetisdifferent.Ifyouattemptedtolearnsomegimmicktodealsuccessfullywitheachseparateindividualyoumet,youwouldbefacedwithahopelesstask,justasapianist

wouldbeupagainstanimpossibletaskifhehadtolearneachindividualcompositionassomethingentirelynewandunique.

Whatthepianistdoesistomastercertainprinciples.Helearnscertainbasicthingsaboutmusic.Hepracticescertainexercisesuntilhedevelopsskillatthekeyboard.Whenhehasmasteredthesebasicthings,hecanthenplayanypieceofmusicthatisputbeforehim,withsomepracticeandadditionallearning.Foralthougheachindividualpieceofmusicisdifferentfromeveryother—thereareonly88keysonthepiano,andonlyeightnotesinthescale.

Whetheryouareapianistornot,youcanquicklylearntostrikea“prettychord”onthepiano.Withalittlemorepatienceyoucanlearntostrikeseparatelyalltheseparatechordsthattheconcertpianistuses.Butthisdoesnotmakeyouapianist.Ifyoutriedtogiveaconcertyouwouldbeaflop.

Influencingpeopleisanart,notagimmick.Inmuchthesameway,thisiswhathappenswhenyoutrytolearnafewgimmicksof“influencingpeople”andapplytheminasuperficial,mechanicalway.Yougothroughthesamemotionsasthemanorwomanwho“hasaway”withpeople,butsomehowtheydon’tseemtoworkforyou.Youhitthesamenotesbutnomusiccomesout.

Thepurposeofthisbookisnottoteachyouafew“chords,”buttohelpyoumasterthekeyboard—nottoteachyouafewgimmicksofdealingwithpeoplebuttogiveyou“know-how”baseduponanunderstandingofhumannatureandwhypeopleactthewaytheydo.

Themethodsthatarepresentedinthisbookhavebeentestedonthousandsofpeoplewhohaveattendedmyhumanrelationsclinic.Theyarenotjustmypetideasofhowyou“oughtto”dealwithpeople,butideasthathavestoodthetestofhowyoumustdealwithpeopleifyouwanttogetalongwiththem,andgetwhatyouwantatthesametime.

Yes,allofuswantsuccessandhappiness.Butthedayislongpast,ifiteverexisted,whenyoucouldgetthesetwoprizesbyforcingpeopletogiveyouwhatyouwant.Beggingforwhatyouwantisnobetter,fornoonehasanyrespectfor,oranydesiretohelp,thepersonwhoconstantlykowtowsandliterallygoesaroundwithhishandout,beggingotherpeopletolikehim.

Theonesuccessfulwaytogetthethingsyouwantfromlifeistoacquireskillindealingwithpeople.

CHAPTER1INANUTSHELL1.Itisaprovenfactthatfrom66to90percentofallfailuresinthebusinessworldarefailuresinhumanrelations.

2.So-calledpersonalityproblems,suchastimidity,shyness,andself-consciousness,arebasicallyproblemsindealingwithpeople.

3.Learnskillsindealingwithpeoplewithconfidenceandyouwillautomaticallyimproveyourownsuccessandhappiness.

4.Learntheunderlyingprinciplesinvolvedindealingwithpeopleandyouwon’tneedgimmicks.

*NewYork:HarperandBrothers,1951.

2HOWTOUSETHEBASICSECRETFOR

INFLUENCINGOTHERS

AsIwritethis,thenewspaperscarrytwostories,seeminglyunrelated.Onehastodowithamanwhostrangledawomanbecauseshewenttosleepwhilehewastalkingtoher.Theotherhastodowitha17-year-oldboywho,withtwoothercompanions,robbedaservicestation.The17-year-oldwasafflictedwithbuck-teeth,andadmittedthathehadnotwantedtorob,butthatallhislifeotherboyshadpokedfunathim,andhemerelywantedprovetothemthathewasa“man.”

Boththesestoriespointouttheextremestowhichpeoplewillgotodefendawoundedego.Youcaninjureamanphysically,youcanstealhisgoods,youcandamagehiminallsortsofways,andgetbywithit.Buttheoneunforgivablesin,asfarashumanrelationsareconcerned,istotrampleonanotherperson’sego.Theminuteyoudetractfromanother’sdignityasahumanbeing,youareinfortrouble.

Becausethehumanegoissuchapreciousthingtoitspossessor,andbecauseapersonwillgotosuchextremestodefendwhathethinksarethreatstohisego,thewordegotismhasbecomeabadword.

Let’slookattheothersideofegotismIfegotismcanadmittedlycausepeopletodosillyandirrationalanddestructivethings,itcanalsocausethemtoactnoblyandheroically.

Whatisegotism,anyway?EdwardBok,famouseditorandhumanitarian,saidthatwhattheworldcalls

egoandconceitisreallya“divinespark”plantedinman,andthatonlythosemenandwomenwhohad“lightedthedivinesparkwithinthem”everdidgreatthings.

Whatevernameyouwanttogiveit—“humandignity,”“personality,”or

what-not—thereissomethingdeepintheheartofeverymanandwomanthatisimportantanddemandsrespect.Everyhumanbeingisaunique,individualpersonality,andthemostpowerfuldriveinanypersonistomaintainthisindividuality,todefendthisimportantsomethingagainstallenemies.

Thisiswhyyoucannottreatpeopleasmachines,asnumbersonaregister,oras“masses,”andgetbywithit.Everyeffortthathasbeenmadetodeprivehumanbeingsofthisindividualworthhasfailed.Itismorepowerfulthanarmiesandprisoncamps.Itprovedmorepowerfulthanthefeudallordswhotriedtoturnpeopleintoserfs.ItprovedmorepowerfulthanHitler’sarmies.Anditsetthestageforourown“landofthefree”;fortheDeclarationofIndependence,ifyoureaditcarefully,isreallyadeclarationofindependencefortheindividual.Itderivesitspowernotbecauseitsetsoutcertainrightsforacertaingroupofmen,butfromthefactthatitproclaimscertaininalienablerightsfor“allmen.”

ItisalsowelltonotethatourDeclarationofIndependenceplacestherealworthofanindividualasagiftofGod,ratherthanasanythingtheindividualhasmadeofhimself.“Weholdthesetruthstobeself-evident,thatallmen…areendowedbytheirCreatorwithcertainunalienableRights…”

Thisisnotabookonreligion.But,inthefinalanalysisyoucannotseparatereligionandhumanrelations.UnlessyoubelievethatthereisaCreatorwhohasendowedmenwithunalienablerights,withaninnateworth,youcannotverywellbelieveinpeople.CommunistsclaimthatthereisnoCreator;hence,peoplearenotveryimportanttothemeither.Theindividualdoesn’tcounttotheCommunist.

HenryKaiseroncesaidthatyouwouldautomaticallypracticegoodhumanrelationsifyouwouldrememberthateveryindividualisimportant,becauseeveryindividualisachildofGod.

Thisisalsotheonlytruebasisforself-esteem.Themanorwomanwhorealizesthatheis“something”notbecauseofwhathehasdoneorhowgoodhehasbeen,butbythegraceofGodinendowinghimwithacertaininnateworth,developsahealthyself-esteem.Themanorwomanwhodoesn’trealizethistriestogivehimselfsignificancebymakingmoney,gainingpower,gettinghisnameinthepaper,orinahundredotherways.Notonlyishewhatwecallan“egotist,”whenweusethatwordinitsworstsense,buthiscontinualunsatisfiedhungerforself-esteemiswhatcausesmostofthetroubleinthisworld.

Weareallegotists:fourfactsoflifeIfyouaregoingtodealwithpeople,whethertheyarechildren,wives,husbands,neighbors,bosses,workers,orconvicts,youwoulddowelltoimprintthe

followingindeliblyonyourmind,andactaccordingly:

1.Weareallegotists.

2.Weareallmoreinterestedinourselvesthaninanythingelseintheworld.

3.Everypersonyoumeetwantstofeelimportant,andto“amounttosomething.”

4.Thereisacravingineveryhumanbeingfortheapprovalofothers,sothathecanapproveofhimself.

Weareallego-hungry.Anditisonlywhenthishungerisatleastpartiallysatisfiedthatwecan“forgetourselves,”takeourattentionoffourselvesandgiveittosomethingelse.Itisonlyhewhohaslearnedtolikehimselfwhocanbegenerousandfriendlywithotherpersons.

Whatmakespeopleself-centeredandconceited?Weusedtothinkthatthetroublewiththeegotistwasthathethoughttoohighlyofhimself,thathehadtoomuchself-esteem,thatifapersonwereself-centered,heshouldsomehowgiveuphisdesiretothinkwellofhimselfandhewouldbe“cured.”Eventheoldtheoreticalpsychologistsusedtothinkthattheegotisthadtoohighanopinionofhimselfandthatthewaytodealwithhimwasto“showhimup,”or“beathimdown”and“knocksomeofhisself-importanceoutofhim.”Hundredsofyearsago,societytriedthesemethodsindealingwithcriminals.Eventothepresenttime,manyindividualsattempttousethesemethodsindealingwithcontrary,hard-to-get-along-withpeople.However,suchtacticshaveneverworked.Alltheyhaveeversucceededindoingwastomaketheotherpersonevenmorehostile,andtomakehisegoevenmoresensitive.

Thereasonthesemethodsdonotworkisasimpleone.Thankstotheworkofclinicalpsychologistswhohavestudiedcasehistoriesofrealpeople(nottheoreticalones),wenowknow,withoutadoubt,thattheself-centered,egotisticalpersonisnotsufferingfromtoomuchself-esteem,buttoolittle.

Ifyou’reongoodtermswithyourselfyou’reongoodtermswithothers.BonaroOverstreethasevengonesofarastosaythateverysingleinstancewhereanindividualisatoddswithhimselfandatoddswithotherpeoplehasprovedtobeaprobleminlackoftrueself-esteem,andthatthecure,ineverycase,consistsinrestoringself-esteem.Onceapersonbeginstolikehimselfa

littlebetter,thenheisabletolikeotherpeoplealittlebetter.Oncehegetsoverhispainfuldissatisfactionwithhimself,heislesscriticalandmoretolerantofothers.

Clinicalandexperimentalpsychologists,afterstudyingthousandsofcasesofactualpeoplewithallkindsofproblems,cametotheconclusionthatego-hungerisasuniversalandnaturalasthehungerforfood.Andfoodfortheegoservesthesamepurposeasfoodforthebody—self-preservation.Thebodyneedsfoodtosurvive.Theego,oruniqueindividualityofeachperson,needsrespectandapprovalandasenseofaccomplishment.

Astarvedegoisameanego.Comparingtheegotothestomachgoesalongwaytowardexplainingwhypeopleactastheydo.Amanwhoeatsthreegoodmealsadaygiveslittlethoughttohisstomach.Butletthatmandowithoutfoodforadayortwoandbecomereallyhungryandhiswholepersonalityseemstochange.Fromagenerous,jolly,good-naturedfellow,heisapttobecomecantankerousanddownrightornery.Hebecomesmorecritical.Nothingpleaseshim.Hesnapsatpeople.Itwilldonogoodforwell-wishingfriendstodroparoundandtellhimthatallhistroubleisonlythatheis“stomach-conscious”andthathemustgethismindoffhisstomach.Norwillitdoanygoodtotellhimthatheshouldthinklessofhimselfandthinkmoreofothers.Thereisbutonewaythathecangetoverhis“stomach-centeredness”andthatistoaccedetonature’sdemandforsurvival.Naturehasplacedaninstinctineachcreaturethatsays,“YOUandyourbasicneedscomefirst.”Inshort,hemusteat,andtakecareofhisownprimaryneeds,beforeheisevencapableofgivinghisattentiontoanythingelse.

Itisverymuchthesamewiththeself-centeredperson.Forahealthy,wholesome,normalpersonality,naturedemandsacertainamountofself-acceptanceandself-approval.Anditdoesnogoodtoscoldaself-centeredpersonandtellhimtogethismindoffhimself.Hecannotgethismindoffhis“self”untilhisego-hungerhasbeensatisfied.Then,hewillindeedtakehisattentionoffhisself,andgiveittohiswork,andtootherpeopleandtheirneeds.

HowtouseLS/MFTWithapologiestotheAmericanTobaccoCompany,let’sconsiderhowyoucanimproveyourrelationswithotherpeoplelikemagic,ifyouwillrememberthemagicletters:LS/MFT.Inthiscase,theystandfor:

LowSelf-EsteemMeansFrictionandTrouble.

Whenself-esteemisatahighlevel,peopleareeasytogetalongwith.Theyarecheerful,generous,tolerant,willingtolistentoothers’ideas.Theyhavetakencareoftheirownprimaryneeds—andareabletothinkabouttheneedsofothers.Theirownpersonalitiesaresostrongandsecurethattheycanaffordtotakeafewrisks.Theycanaffordtobewrong,occasionally.Theycanadmittothemselvesthattheyhavemadeamistake.Theycanevenbecriticizedandslighted,andtakeitintheirstride—forsuchthingsonlymakeasmalldentintheirself-esteem,andtheyhaveplentymoreleft.

Itisawell-knownfactthattheman-at-the-topiseasiertodealwiththansmall-fry.ThestoryistoldofaprivateinWorldWarIwhoshouted“Putoutthatdamnmatch,”onlytofindtohischagrinthattheoffenderhadbeenGeneral“BlackJack”Pershing.Whenhetriedtostammerouthisapology,GeneralPershingpattedhimonthebackandsaid,“That’sallrightson;justbegladI’mnotasecondlieutenant.”

Thestatusofageneralwasnotthreatenedbytheremarkofaprivate.Youhavetoloweryourselftobepetty.Whenself-esteemisatalowebb,

troubleandfrictioncomeeasily.Andwhenself-esteembecomeslowenough,almostanythingcanbecomeathreat.Thisiswhathappenswhenamanstranglesawomanbecauseshewenttosleepwhilehewastalking.Hadhisself-esteembeenhighenough,theaffrontwouldnothaveassumedsuchimportantproportionstohim.Hadthe17-year-oldboyhadenoughself-esteem,hewouldnothavehadtorobaservicestationtoprovetohisbuddiesthat“hewasaman.”

Tothepersonwithlowself-esteem,evenacriticallookoroneharshwordcanseemlikeacalamity.Theso-called“sensativesouls”whoseesome“dig”ordouble-meaningineventhemostinnocentremarkaresufferingfromlowself-esteem.Thebraggart,theshow-off,andtheblustererarealsosufferingfromlowself-esteem.

Howtounderstandthebully.Eventhearrogantperson,whoattemptsto“putyouinyourplace”ormakeyoufeelinferior,isreallysufferingfromalowopinionofhimself.Youcanunderstandhisbehaviorifyoukeepinmindtwothings:first,heneedsdesperatelytoincreasehisownself-importanceandisattemptingtodosobybeatingyoudownandsecond,heisafraid.Hisself-esteemisatsuchalowebbthatherealizesthatjustaboutonegood“take-down”byyouwouldbesufficienttodestroyitaltogether.Andalthoughhedoesn’tknowforafactthatyouwouldtakeapokeathisself-importance,hecannotaffordtotakethatchance.Hecan’tapproachyouman-to-man,onanequalbasis,withhisdefensesdown,becausetheriskinvolvedwouldbetoogreat.Theonlysafestrategyhecanuseistoputyouinyourplace,beforeyouputhiminhis—whichheimaginestobeprettylowonthetotempole.

Ifyouwillrememberthoseletters:LS/MFT,itwillhelpyoudealwithallthesepeoplewhosufferfromlowself-esteem.Understandingwhytheyactthewaytheydowillhelpyoudevelopastrategyforhandlingthem.

Realizingthatitislowself-esteemthatcausesfrictionandtrouble,youwillnotaddtothetroublebytryingtobeatthesepeopledownevenmore.Youwillavoidsarcastic,cuttingremarks.Youwon’ttrytoarguethemdown,forifyou“win”thearguments,youwillonlyfurtherdecreasetheirebbingsupplyofself-esteemandmakethemhardertodealwiththanbefore.Thisisthepsychologybehindthewell-knownremark:“Wintheargumentandlosethesale.”

HowtoturnalionintoalambThereisonlyoneeffectivewaytodealwithtrouble-makers:

HelptheOtherFellowLikeHimselfBetter.

Feedhishungryego—andhewillstopgrowlingandsnappingatyou.Rememberthatahungrydogisameandog.Well-feddogsseldomwantto

fight,andintheolddaysofpitfightingdogswerestarvedforadayortwobeforeamatchtomakethemmean.Thissecretofsuccessfulhumanrelationsworksnotonlyontroublemakers,butalsoonnormalfolks.Anyoneismoreagreeable,moreunderstanding,morecooperative—ifyoufeedhisego…notwithinsincereflattery,butwithgenuinecomplimentsandrealpraise.

Trylookingforlittlethingsyoucancomplimentotherson.Lookforgoodpointsinthoseyoudealwith—pointsthatyoucanpraisethemabout.Formthehabitofpayingatleastfivesincerecomplimentseachday—andwatchhowmuchsmootheryourrelationswithothersbecome.

InPartTwoofthisbook,wearegoingtogetdowntospecificcasesofjusthowyoucanapplythisknowledgeofhumannaturetoeverydaysituations.Butdon’twaitforthedetails.BeginrightnowtothinkupyourownwayssincerelytoHELPTHEOTHERFELLOWLIKEHIMSELFBETTER.Anddonotattempttoapplythisknowledgewithasuperior,patronizingmanner.Ifyoudo,youwillbeseenthrough,andyourpresumptionofsuperioritywillonlyantagonize.

Rememberthisfirstlawofhumanrelations,asyoureadtheremainderofthisbook.Youwillseeitrunningthroughmanyofthecasehistoriestobepresentedlater,anditwillenableyoutounderstandwhythevariousmethodspresenteddowork.

TheFirstLawofHumanRelationsmightbesummarized:“Peopleact—or

failtoact—largelytoenhancetheirownegos.”Whenyouaretryingtopersuadeanotherpersontoactinacertainway,andlogicandreasonseemtofail,trygivinghima“reason”thatwillenhancehisego.Weareoftentoldto“appealtoreason”andto“reasonwithchildren.”Butwhenitcomestogettingpeopletoactinacertainway—thewordreasonmeansa“reasonthatwillenhancetheego.”

ThesameprincipleworksonchildrenorkingsItworkswithwives.Itworkswithhusbands,children,waitresses,hoteldeskclerks—evenwithkings.

WhenGeneralOglethorpewantedpermissionfromtheKingofEnglandtofoundacolonyintheNewWorld,hetried,formanyweeks,allsortsof“logicalarguments”ontheKing.TheKingwasn’tinterested.Oglethorpeappealedtohishumanity,andmadeallsortsofappealswithwhatheconsideredgood“reasons.”ButtheKingwasnotmovedbythem.Finally,Oglethorpedecidedtochangehisstrategy.AthisnextaudiencewiththeKing,OglethorpestartedouttryingtoselltheideaofwhatafinethingitwouldbeforEnglandtohaveacolonyintheNewWorld—whatagloriousthingitwouldbetoplanttheEnglishflaginnewterritory.

“ButwealreadyhavecoloniesintheNewWorld,”saidtheKing.“True,Sire,”saidOglethorpe,“butnoneofthemisnamedforyou.”TheKingsatupandtooknotice.Henotonlygavepermissiontosettlethe

newcolonynamedGeorgia,hefinancedthewholethingandevenhelpedtopopulateitbysettingscot-freedebtorswhoowedmoneytotheCrown.

GivetheotherfellowapersonalreasontohelpyouNotlongagoIwasinasoutherncitywheretherewasanationalconventiongoingon,andunexpectedbusinessdevelopmentsrequiredthatIstopovernight.IwentaroundtoahotelwhereIhadpreviouslystayed,andfinallyworkedmywaythroughthecrowdthatwasstandingaroundthedesktryingtogetrooms.

“Gosh,Les,”thedeskclerkapologized.“Youshouldhaveletusknowyouwerecoming.I’mafraidthereisn’tanythingIcandoforyouunderthecircumstances.”

“Itsurelookslikewe’vegotaproblem,”Iresponded,“butIknowthatifthere’sanyhotelmanintownwhocanlickit—it’syou.Andthere’snoneedinmylookinganyfurther,becauseifyoucan’tgetmearoomImightaswellplantosleepinthepark.”

“Well,”hesaid,“Idon’tknow.Butstickaroundabout30minutesandletmeseewhetherIcanthinkofanythingorworksomethingout.”

Theupshotwasthatherememberedtherewasasmalllivingroom,luxuriouslyfurnishedandusuallyusedforinformalconferences,thatcouldeasilybeturnedintoabedroom,completewithbath,bysimplymovinginasparebed.Igottheroom,andhegotasenseofaccomplishmentandenhancedhisegobyprovingtobothofusthat“Ifanybodycandoit,Icandoit.”

THEESSENCEOFCHAPTER21.Weareallegotists.

2.Weareallmoreinterestedinourselvesthaninanythingelseintheworld.

3.Everypersonyoumeetwantstofeelimportant,andtoamounttosomething.

4.Thereisahungerineveryhumanbeingforapproval.

5.Ahungryegoisameanego.

6.Satisfytheotherperson’shungerforself-esteemandheautomaticallybecomesmorefriendlyandlikeable.

7.Jesussaid,“Lovethyneighborasthyself.”Psychologistsnowtellusthatunlessyoudoloveyourselfinthesenseofhavingsomefeelingofself-esteemandself-regard,itisimpossibleforyoutofeelfriendlytowardotherpeople.

8.RememberLS/MFT.LowSelf-esteemMeansTroubleandFriction.

9.Helptheotherfellowlikehimselfbetterandyoumakehimeasiertogetalongwith.

10.Peopleact,orfailtoact,largelytoenhancetheirownegos.

3HOWTOCASHINONYOURHIDDEN

ASSETS

Everyhumanbeingisamillionaireinhumanrelations.Thegreattragedyisthattoomanyofushoardthiswealth,ordoleitoutstingily.Orworsestill,don’tevenrealizewepossessit.

DuringWorldWarII,whenpeoplewerehungryformeat,andmeatwasscarce,thebutcherbecamethemostpopularmaninthecommunity.

Yet,everydayofyourlifethepeoplewithwhomyoucomeintocontactarehungryandthirstyforfoodthatyoucouldgivethem.

Oneofthemostuniversalhungersisthehungertofeelimportant,tohaveyourpersonalworthasahumanbeingconfirmedbyothers,tobeappreciated,tobenoticed.

Itiswithinyourpowertoaddtothefeelingofpersonalworthoftheotherperson.Itiswithinyourpowertomakehimlikehimselfalittlebetter.Itiswithinyourpowertomakehimfeelappreciatedandaccepted.

Inshort,youhavethebreadtofeedthishumanhunger.

TrygivingawayyourwealthThequickestwaytoimproveyourhumanrelationsistobegingivingawaythiswealththatyoupossess.Don’tbestingywithit.Don’tdoleitout.Don’tplayanyfavorites.Itdoesn’tcostyouanything,andyouneednotfearyou’lleveruseitallup.Don’ttrytobarterorbargainwithit.Don’ttrytouseittobribepeopleintogivingyouwhatyouwant.Giveitawayindiscriminately;indoingso,youneednotworryaboutgettingwhatyouwantfromothers.Butwhenyoucastthisbreaduponthewaters,sotospeak,italwayscomesbacktoyoumultipliedmanyfold.

EveryoneishungryforthisfoodDonotmakethemistakeofsupposingthatjustbecauseamanissuccessfulorfamous,hehasnoneedforafeelingofimportance.

Courtesy,politeness,andwhatwecall“manners,”areallbaseduponthisuniversalhungerofpeopletofeelthattheyhavesomepersonalworth.

Courtesyandpolitenessaremerelywaysinwhichweacknowledgetheimportanceoftheotherperson.

RemembertheheadlineswhenapremierofaforeigncountrycalledtokeepanappointmentwithacabinetofficerinWashington,hadtofindhisownwaytotheoffice,wasrequiredtogivehisnametothecabinetofficer’ssecretary,andwasthenkeptwaitingfiveminutespastthetimeoftheappointment?Rememberwhatastiritcausedindiplomaticcircleswhenthepremierquietlyleftattheendoffiveminutes,saying,“Wewillseehimlater”?

Washistimesovaluablethathecouldnotaffordtowaitfiveminutes?Probablynot.Wasitpossiblethatmonthsofhardworktowardestablishinggoodrelationswiththisforeigncountrycouldallbecancelledbysuchasmallthing.Apparentlytheexpertsthoughtso,consideringthewaytheyscurriedaroundtostraightenthingsout.

Aqualityyouhaveincommonwitheveryoneelseintheworld.Everypersonreadingthisbookisdifferentfromthenextpersonreadingit.Youlivedifferently,eatdifferently,dressdifferently,likedifferentthings—youaredifferent.Butthereisonethingweallhaveincommon.

Allofusnotonlyneedtofeelthatweareimportant:Weneedtofeelthatotherpeoplerecognizeandacknowledgeourimportance.Actually,whatweneedisforotherpeopletohelpusfeelimportant—helpusconfirmoursenseofpersonalworth.Forourownfeelingsaboutourselvesaretoalargeextentthereflectionsofthefeelingsotherpeoplehave,orseemtohave,aboutus.Notonemaninamillioncanlongmaintainhisfeelingofdignityandworth,sonecessarytohiswell-being,ifeveryonehemeetstreatshimasifhewerea“nobody”andworthless.

Thisexplainswhyso-calledlittlethings—little,apparentlyunimportantactions—canhavesuchtremendousconsequencesinthefieldofhumanrelations.

Afterall,youmaysay,whatisfiveminutes?Actually,thefiveminutestime—astime—wasnotimportantatall.Whatwasimportantwaswhatthefiveminutessaid—underthecircumstances.Tobekeptwaitingfiveminutessaid,orseemedtosay—“Thismeetingisnotveryimportanttome.Iconsidermeetingwithyoumoreorlessaroutineaffair.Idonotplacemuchvalueonseeingyou.”

Haveyoueverreadtheso-calledreasonspeoplegiveforaskingfordivorce?Someofthemseemalmostfunny.

“Healwaysogledprettywomeneverytimehetookmeout.”“HegotabigkickoutoftellingeveryonehowstupidIwasaboutmoney.”“Shedeliberatelyburnedmytoasteverymorning,justbecausesheknewI

hatedburnedtoast.”“Shewouldmakeanissueoffeedingthecatbeforeshefedme.”Theyseemlikesmallthings.Butwhentheyareendlesslyrepeated,andkeep

sayingtotheotherperson,“ThisprovesIdon’tthinkyouareveryimportant”—thentheybecometruly“tremendoustrifles.”

Remember,ittakesonlyonesmallsparktosetoffatremendousexplosion.Andthelittlethingsyoudoorsaycancauseachainreactionthatbecomesatomic.

Youmust“recognize”theotherpersonIntheirdiplomaticdealingswithothercountries,governmentsspeakof“recognizing”anothercountry,or“accordingthemrecognition.”“Recognition”meansthattheothercountryisconsideredtobeabonafide,“real”government.

Wemightwelltakealessonfromthisinourdiplomaticrelationswithotherhumanbeings.Fortobesuccessfulindealingwithothers,wetoomust“recognize”themasabonafide,“real”humanbeings.

J.C.Staehle,afteranalyzingmanysurveys,foundthattheprincipalcausesofunrestamongworkerswerethefollowing,listedintheorderoftheirimportance:

1.Failuretogivecreditforsuggestions

2.Failuretocorrectgrievances

3.Failuretoencourage

4.Criticizingemployeesinfrontofotherpeople

5.Failuretoaskemployeestheiropinions

6.Failuretoinformemployeesoftheirprogress

7.Favoritism

Noticethateverysingleitemhastodowithfailuretorecognizetheimportanceoftheemployee.Failuretogivecreditforworksays,“Yourwork

isn’tveryimportant.”Failuretocorrectgrievancessays,“Youaresounimportantthatyourgrievancesdon’tamounttoanything,”andsoon.

ThreeWaystoMakePeopleFeelImportant

1.ThinkotherpeopleareimportantThefirstruleofall—andtheeasiesttoapply—issimplytoconvinceyourselfonceandforallthatotherpeopleareimportant.Dothis,andyourownattitudegetsacrosstotheotherfellow—evenwhenyouarenot“trying.”Moreover,ittakesawaytheneedfor“gimmicks”andputsyourhumanrelationsonasincerebasis.Youcantryrulesandgimmicksuntilyouareblueintheface,andtheywon’tworkforyou,ifyoudothemwithyourtongueinyourcheek.Youcan’tmaketheotherfellowfeelimportantinyourpresenceifyousecretlyfeelthatheisanobody.

Afterall,whatelseonearthisasimportantaspeople?Whatisasinteresting?

Onebigreasonwhyeverybodyisimportant.EarlierinthisbookwementionedwhatHenryKaisercallsthenumberoneruleforgettingalongharmoniouslywithotherpeople:simplyrecognizingthateverysinglepersonyoumeetisachildofGod,andthatmakeshimimportant.

Dr.J.B.RhineofDukeUniversityhassaidprettymuchthesamethinginmorescientificlanguage.Dr.Rhineandhisassociates,overaperiodofmorethan20years,madescientificexperimentswhichprovethatthereissomething“extra-physical”aboutman.Inotherwords,thescientistsaretellingusthattheyhaveprovedbycontrolledexperimentsthatmanismorethanaflesh-and-bloodmachine,thatheismorethanjustaphysical“animal.”

Dr.Rhinesaysthatwhenthesefindingsaregenerallyrecognizedandacceptedtheywillchangeourdealingswitheachotherforthebetter.Inhisbook,TheReachoftheMind,*hesays:

“Ourtreatmentofpeopleobviouslydependsonwhatwethinktheyare,asdoesourtreatmentofeverythingelse.Nootherwaywouldbeintelligent.Ourfeelingsformendependonourideas,ourknowledgeaboutthem.Themoreweareledontheonehandtothinkofourfellowmenasdeterministicphysicalsystems—robots,machines,brains—themoreheartlesslyandselfishlywecanallowourselvestodealwiththem.

“Ontheotherhand,themoreweappreciatetheirmentallifeassomething

uniqueinnature,somethingmoreoriginalandcreativethanthemerespace-time-massrelationsofmatter,themoreweareinterestedinthemasindividuals,andthemorewetendtorespectthemandconsidertheirviewpointsandfeelings.Ourinterpersonaldealingsareelevatedtoalevelofmutualinterest,ofunderstanding,offellowship.”

Menandwomenwhohavethemostinfluencewithotherpeoplearemenandwomenwhobelieveotherpeopleareimportant.

2.NoticeotherpeopleHereagainisasimplebutbasicrule.

Haveyoueverthoughtaboutthefactthatyou“notice”onlythosethingsthatareimportanttoyou?Actuallyyouneverseeahundrethpartofwhatisaroundyou—youselectforattentiononlythosethingsthatareimportant.FivepeopletakingaSundayafternoonstrolldownthesamestreetwillprobably“see”ornoticefivedifferentthings,simplybecausetheyareinterestedindifferentthings.Avisitingmerchantnoticestheshopsandmentallycalculatestherenteachmustpay.Apavingcontractornoticestheconditionofthepavementandseesthatitisinasadstateofrepair.Hiswifenoticesthenewfrocksintheshopwindows.Hiseight-year-oldboyseesthepigeonsandwisheshehadbroughthisslingshot,andsoon.

Howtomakepeopleworkharder.Subconsciously,weallknowthatwenoticeonlywhatisimportanttous.

Therefore,whensomeone“notices”us,hepaysusabigcompliment.Heissayingthatherecognizesourimportance.Hegivesabigboosttoourmorale.Webecomemorefriendly,morecooperative,andactuallyworkharder.

PsychologistsattheUniversityofMichigan’sSurveyResearchCenterinAnnArbor,Michigan,beganascientificstudyin1949whichisstillgoingon.Theywantedtofindwhatmakespeopleworkharder,whatmakesthemproducemoreanddobetterwork.Theyhavefoundthattheforemanwhoisinterestedinthepeopleworkingunderhimgetsmoreworkfromthemthanthebossytypewhotriestoforcethemtoworkharder.

“ScienceNewsletter,”inreportingonthefindingsofthesescientists,*said,“Pressuringforproductionmayworktosomedegree.Butthebestresultsareachievedwhenaworker’sinternalmotivationsaretapped—hisself-expression,self-determination,andsenseofpersonalworth.Apersonworksbetterwhenheistreatedasapersonality,givensomedegreeoffreedominthewayhedoeshiswork,andallowedtomakehisowndecisions.”

Howtoholdpeople.DuringWorldWarII,laborturnoverattheHarwood

ManufacturingCorporationplantatMarion,Virginiawashigh.Gettingpeopletostickonthejobwasaproblem.Tosolveitthepresidentcalledinapsychologist.Thepsychologist,wiseinthewaysofhumannature,setupaprogramtogiveindividualattentiontonewemployeesandmakethemfeelthattheirsignificancewasrecognizedbythecompany.

First,thenewemployeewasinterviewedbyapersonnelmanwhoexplainedtohimthegeneraloverallpictureofplantproductionandhowhisownjobfittedintothatpicture.Next,hewasgivenovertoa“man-on-the-job”counselorwhoactedasthenewworker’sbuddy.Heexplainedhisjobtohim,introducedhimtothe“fellows”andtaughthimthe“ropes.”Underthisplanlaborturnoverdroppedalmosttozero!

Onesecretforgettingalongwithchildren.Littlechildrencravetobenoticed.“Look,Mama,look!”and,“Daddy,comewatchme,”arefamiliarphrasestoallparents.LittleJohnnyisn’thappyjustgoingforaswim.HewantsDaddyto“comewatchmeswim.”Thesecriesfornoticearedirect.

Butoftenchildrenaskfornoticeinmoresubtleways.LittleSusiemayfindthattheonesurewaytogethermothertonoticeherandpayindividualattentiontoheristorefusetoeatwhenshecomestothetable.Andif,inspiteofallefforts,Johnny’smamaanddaddyrefuseto“look,”hemaygotoneedlessextremes—suchasknockingoveralamp,ortwistinghissister’sarm.

Howtocurenaughtinessinchildren.Dr.RuthBarbee,well-knownfamily-relationsexpert,tellsmethatabout90percentofso-called“naughtiness”insmallchildrenissimplytheirwayofgetting“noticed,”whentheycannotgettheattentiontheywantinanyotherway.And,shesays,mostnaughtiness,andagreatmanyso-calledbadhabitssuchasthumb-suckingandenuresis,canbecuredquicklyandsimplybygivingmoretimeandattentiontothechild.

Criminologistssaythatmanycrimes,especiallysensationalones,areperformedbypeoplewhoneverhadsatisfiedtheircravingforbeingnoticed.Thecriminalgoesoutanddoessomethingspectacularwhichwillmakefront-pageheadlinesandsaystohimself,“Now,Iguesstheworldwillsitupandtakenoticeofme.”

Themostcommoncomplaintofwivesandhusbands.Everynowandthensomeonetakesapollofhusbandsandwivestoseewhatarethemostcommoncomplaintsthatspouseshaveagainsteachother.

Invariably,“notbeingnoticed,”inoneformoranother,headsthelist.Manyhusbandscannotunderstandwhyawifewillhaveherfeelingshurtbecausehedoesnotnoticehernewhatornewhairdo.Butthewifeknowsthathisfailuretonoticethenewhatmeansthathehasnotreallylookedather—thathehasnotreallypaidanyspecialattentiontoher.This,inturn,meansthathedoesnot

considerherimportantenoughtonoticeclosely.Howtomakeyourcustomerslikeyou.Oneofthemostsuccessfulsales-

clerksIknowneverasksawoman“Whatsizedoyouwear?”Instead,shelooksatthecustomercloselyandsays,“Let’ssee—youmust

takeaboutasize14.”Thecustomerfeelsgoodbecausesheisbeingnoticed,butdoesn’tquiteknowwhy.Ifthecustomerisafatladywhowouldtakeasize46,thesalesclerk,always“guesses”abouttwosizestoosmall.Whenthecustomersays,“No,Itakea46,”theclerksayswithsurprise,“Well,Iwouldneverhaveguessedit.”

Here,sheusesthesameruleinreverse,bynotnoticingsomethingthatwilldetractfromthefeelingofimportanceoftheotherperson.

Turnthespotlightoneveryone.Whenyouaredealingwithagroup,trytopayattentiontoeverybodyinthegroup,insofarasitispractical.Ifyouaredealingwithamanwhoisaccompaniedbyhiswife,paysomeattentiontothewife.Don’toverdoitanddirectallyourremarkstoher,forthatwouldmakeherhusbandfeelsmall.Butdon’tignorehereither.Showthatyourecognizeherpresence.Shewillthenhelpyousellyourideastoherhusband.

Ifyouaredealingwithacommitteeorothergroupofpersons,rememberatleasttoacknowledgetheirpresenceasindividuals.Lookatthemwhentheyaretalkingandwhenyouaretalking.Again,don’toverdoit.Ifyoudoyouwilldetractfromtheimportanceofthechairmanorleaderofthegroup.Addtohisself-importancebylettinghimknowyourecognizehimasleader.Butthechancesarethatyouwillneedthesupportandgoodwillofamajorityoftheentiregroup,notjusttheleader.Itissurprisingwhatasmallamountofattentiontoeachindividualisrequiredinordertomakehimfeelthatyouconsiderhimimportant.

3.Don’tlorditoverpeopleThethirdbasicruleforlettingtheotherfellowknowthatyourecognizehisimportanceisonethatrequiressomecare.Becauseyouareahumanbeingandyouhavethesameneedtofeelimportantthateveryoneelsedoes,youmustwatchyourselftoseethatyoudonotusethisbasicfactabouthumannaturetoyourowndisadvantage.

Thebasicfactofhumannaturewithwhichwearedealingissimply,“Everybodyneedstofeelimportantandfeelthatotherpeoplerecognizehisimportance.”Thistraitofhumannatureinitselfisneutral.Youcanuseitforyourownadvantageordisadvantage—justasyoucanuseaknifetobutteryourbreadortocutyourownthroat.

Thetemptationisalwayspresent,whenwearedealingwithothers,toimpressuponthemourownimportance.Consciouslyorunconsciously,wewanttomakeagoodimpression,too!Ifsomeonetellsofsomegreatfeatheperformed,weatoncethinkofsomethingwedidthatwasevengreater.Ifsomeonetellsagoodstory,rightaway,wethinkofonethatcouldtopit.Often,wearesoanxioustoimpresstheotherfellowwithourownimportancethatwesetouttomakehimfeelsmall,sothatitwillmakeusappearbigger.“Mydaddycanlickyourdaddy,”sayslittleJimmySmith.AndJimmy’sdaddyisapttomakethesamemistake,butinotherwords,intalkingtotheneighbordownthestreet.

Thereisonesimplerulethatwillhelpyougetoverthishandicap.Justrememberthistriedandprovenfact:

YouWanttoMakeaGoodImpressionontheOtherFellow.ButtheMostEffectiveWayEverDiscoveredforImpressingtheOtherFellowIstoLetHimKnowThatYouAreImpressedbyHim.

Lethimknowthatheimpressesyouandhewilljudgeyouoneofthesmartest,mostpersonableindividualsheevermet.Trytolorditoverhim—answerhimwithan“Ohyeah,”or“Youdon’texpectmetobelievethat,doyou?”andhewillbefirmlyconvincedthatyouareafoolwhodoesn’tknowhiswayaround.

YoungJoeDoakesisdatingtwogirls.Oneofthemsitsandlistenstohimtellabouthisjob,hisambitions,whathehasdoneandwantstodo,andisterriblyinterested.Shesitsalmostopen-mouthed,andsays,“Howwonderful,”or“Howintheworlddidyoudoit?”Thesecondgirlsays,“Oh,thatisn’tsogreat.Icoulddobetterthanthatmyself.”

Whichgirlisgoingtomakethebetterimpression?WhichoneisJoegoingtothinkisthesmarterofthetwo?

Givingtheotherpersonafeelingofimportance—lettinghimknowyouareimpressed—doesn’tmeanthatanythingwillbetakenawayfromyou.Itdoesn’tmeaneither,thatyoushouldfawnonhim,kowtowtohim,orbecomeservile.Itsimplymeansthatyoushouldrespecthim,makehimfeelthathebelongs.

Howtoknowwhentocorrectanother.Usuallywhenwecontradictorcorrectanotherperson,itisnotforthepurposeofsettlinganyrealproblems—butonlytoincreaseourfeelingofimportanceattheexpenseofsomeoneelse.

Anothergoodruletoemployistoaskyourself,beforeyoucontradictsomeone,thisquestion:“Doesitmakeanyrealdifferencewhetherheisrightorwrong?”

Ifhesaysthegunisn’tloaded,andyouknowitis,contradicthim.

Ifhesaysthebottlecontainsnailpolishandyouknowitcontainsnitroglycerin,correcthim.

Butifhesaysitis83millionmilestothesun,whatrealdifferencedoesitmakeifthefigureisincorrectunlessyouareanastronomerormathematicianandtheexactfigurewillmakeadifferenceinyourproblem.

Don’ttrytowinallthelittlebattles.NotlongagoIhaddinnerwiththeownerofasmallrestaurantandaprominentaccountant.Duringtheconversationtherestaurantmansaid,“Idon’ttrytomaketoomuchmoney,becauseifyoumake$100,000youareinthe90percentbracketandthegovernmentwillonlyletyoukeep$10,000,whileifyoumakeonly$30,000yougettokeep$15,000.”

Ilookedattheaccountant.Hedidn’tbataneyelash.Afterward,Isaidtohim,“Whydidn’tyousethimstraight?”“I’msurprisedIhavetotellyouthat,Les,”hesaid.“Ididn’tsethimstraight

simplybecauseitwouldhaveservedhopurposeexcepttomakehimfeelsmall.Whatdifferencedoesitreallymakewhetherheissetstraightornot.Hewantstobelievethat.Ifhemade$100,000ayearandIwaspreparinghisincometaxreturnsIwouldsethimstraight,butsincehedoesn’tmake$100,000andnothingisinvolvedexcepthisownego—whybother?”

POINTSTOREMEMBERINCHAPTER31.Don’tbestingyinfeedingthehungerforafeelingofimportance.

2.Don’tunderestimate“smallcourtesies”suchasbeingontimeforanappointment.Itisbysuchsmallthingsthatweacknowledgetheimportanceoftheotherperson.Unfortunately,weareoftenmorecourteoustostrangersthantohomefolks.Trytreatingyourfamilyandfriendswiththesamecourtesyyoushowstrangers.

3.Remindyourselfthatotherpeopleareimportant,andyourattitudewillgetacrosstotheotherperson.

4.Startingtoday,begintonoticeotherpeoplemore.Payattentiontoamanorachild,andyoumakehimfeelimportant.

5.Don’tlorditoverotherpeople,orattempttoincreaseyourownfeelingofself-importancebymakingotherpeoplefeelsmall.

*NewYork:WilliamSloaneAssociates,Inc.,1947.

*“ScienceNewsletter,”April16,1949.

PARTTWO

HOWTOCONTROLTHEACTIONSANDATTITUDESOF

OTHERS

4.HowYouCanControltheActionsandAttitudesofOthers

5.HowYouCanCreateaGoodFirstImpressiononOtherPeople

4HOWYOUCANCONTROLTHE

ACTIONSANDATTITUDESOFOTHERS

RememberthestoryofSvengali,themesmeristwhocontrolledtheactionsandbehaviorofothersbyamysteriouspower?

Itmaysurpriseyoutolearnthateachofus,inhisway,issomethingofaSvengali…notthatwehaveanysuchmysteriouspowerasmesmerismoverpeople.Buteachofusalreadyexercisescontrolovertheactionsandattitudesofotherpeople.Theonlytroubleiswedonotknowweareexercisingthispower,andweoftenuseitagainstourselvesratherthanforourselves.

Somepeoplemayobjecttotheideaof“controlling”theactionsofothers.ButwhenyouunderstandthelawofpsychologyIwanttotellyouaboutinthischapter,youwillseethatwereallyhavenochoice.Eachofusisconstantlyinfluencingandcontrollingtheactionsofthosewithwhomwecomeintocontact.Theonlychoicewehaveisthis:shallweuseitforgoodorevil,forourbenefitorourdisadvantage?

Forexample,itmaysurpriseyoutolearnthatinabout95percentofthecasesinwhichyouaretreateddiscourteously,snubbed,wheresomeoneelseacts“unreasonably,”you,yourselfliterally“askedforit.”Youwerecontrollingtheactionsoftheotherpersonandinfact,askinghimtotreatyoudiscourteously.

HowtoadopttheattitudeandactionyouwanttheotherfellowtoexpressThereisapsychologicallawthatmakeshumanbeingsreactandrespondtotheattitudeandactionexpressedbytheotherfellow,inlikemanner.Thereisnothingmysteriousaboutit,excepttheamazingresultsthatcomewhenyoubegintoputthislawintoeffect.Itmakessense.Everyonewantstodotheappropriatething.Everyonewantsto“risetotheoccasion.”Weactoutourparts

inlifeinaccordancewiththestagethatwefindsetbeforeus.Thereisanunconsciousurgeto“liveupto”theopinionsothersseemtohaveofus,orto“livedown”tothem.

Ifyoudecidebeforehandthatacertainpersonisgoingtobedifficulttodealwith,chancesareyouwillapproachhiminamoreorlesshostilemanner,withyourfistsmentallyclenchedreadytofight.Whenyoudothis,youliterallysetthestageforhimtoactupon.Herisestotheoccasion.Heactsthepartthatyouhavesetforhimtoact,andyoucomeawayconvincedthathereallyisa“toughcustomer,”withouteverrealizingthatyourownactionsandattitudesmadehimone.

Indealingwithotherpeople,weseeourownattitudesreflectedbacktousintheirbehavior.Itisalmostasifyoustoodbeforeamirror.Whenyousmile,themaninthemirrorsmiles.Whenyoufrown,themaninthemirrorfrowns.Whenyoushout,themaninthemirrorshoutsback.Fewpeoplerealizejusthowimportantandhowpredictablethislawofpsychologyis.Itisnotjustsweettalkabouthowpeopleoughttoact.Itcanbetakenintoapsychologicallaboratoryandstudieddispassionatelyandcold-bloodedly,justasanyothernaturallaw.

Whenyou’reshoutedat,youmustshoutbackInconjunctionwiththeU.S.Navy,theSpeechResearchUnitofKenyonCollegeprovedthatwhenapersonisshoutedathesimplycannothelpbutshoutback,evenwhenhecannotseethespeaker.

Testsweremadeovertelephonesandintercomstodeterminethebestdegreeofloudnessforgivinginstructionsandcommands.Thespeakeraskedsimplequestions,eachinadifferentdegreeofloudness.Invariablytheanswerscamebackinthesamedegreeofloudness.Whenthequestionwassoft,theanswerthatcamebackwassoft.Whenthequestionwasloud,theanswerwasloud.

Theamazingfactthatcameoutofthetests,however,wasthediscoverythatthepeopleonthereceivingendsimplycouldnothelpbeinginfluencedbythetonesofthespeaker.Nomatterhowhardtheytried,theirowntonesbecamelouderorsofterinexactproportiontotheloudnessorsoftnessofthespeaker’s.

HowtocontrolangerinothersYouactuallycanusethisscientificknowledgetokeepanotherpersonfrombecomingangry,ifyoustartintime.Thetechniqueisbasedontwowell-knownfactsofpsychology.Oneistheexperimentwehavejustdescribed:Youcontrol

theotherperson’stoneofvoicebyyourowntoneofvoice.Theotheristhis:Whetheryoutalkloudlybecauseyoubecomeangry,orwhetheryoubecomeangrybecauseyoutalkloudly,islikeasking“Whichcamefirst,thechickenortheegg?”Itcanhappeneitherway.Onethingiscertain.Thelouderyoutalk,theangrieryoubecome.Psychologyhasprovedthatifyoukeepyourvoicesoftyouwillnotbecomeangry.PsychologyhasacceptedasscientifictheoldBiblicalinjunction,“Asoftanswerturnsawaywrath.”

Knowingthesetwofacts,youcancontroltheotherperson’semotionstoanamazingdegree.Whenyoufindyourselfinanexplosivesituation—oneofthose“tensesituations”thatseemslikelytogetoutofhandatalmostanyminute—deliberatlylowerthetoneofyourvoiceandkeepitsoft.Thiswillliterallyforcetheotherfellowtokeephisownvoicesoft.Andhecan’tbecomeangryandemotionalaslongashekeepshisvoicepitchedinasofttone.Ifyouwaituntiltheotherpersonbecomesangry,itwon’twork—butyoucanturnangerawaybeforeitarrivesbyusingthistechnique.

EnthusiasmiscatchingDoyouwantotherstobecomeenthusiasticoveryourideas,thegoodsyouareselling,yourplans?Thenrememberthepsychologicallawthatsays:

AdopttheAttitudeandActionyouWanttheOtherFellowtoExpress.

Enthusiasmismorecatchingthanthemeasles.Soareindifferenceandlackofenthusiasm.Haveyoueverwalkedintoastorewheretheclerksweredrapedlazilyoverthecounterswithalookofboredindifferenceontheirfaces?Haveyoueveraskedasalesclerkaquestionaboutmerchandiseandhavehimansweryouwithabored,“Idon’tknow,”whichcarriedanimplied“andfurthermoreIdon’tcare”?

Chancesarethatyoudidn’tlikeit,andleftwithoutbuyinganything—withoutquiteknowingwhy.Analyzeit,however,andyou’llseethattheclerkactuallymadeyouindifferentandtookawaywhateverinterestyoumighthavehad.Subconsciouslyyouweresayingtoyourself,“Well,ifthepersonwhosellsthismerchandiseisn’tanymoreenthusiasticaboutitthanthis,itmustnotbeworthmyenthusiasmeither.”

Howtocommitsalesmurder.RecentlyIwentintothesportinggoodsdepartmentofalargedepartmentstorewiththeintentionofbuyingaspinningreelandrod.I’mnotmuchofafisherman,butreadingaboutthenewspinning

reelsandhearingafewthingsaboutthem,Ibecameinterested.Myinterestwasquicklykilled,however,bythelackofinterestdisplayedbytheclerk.

“Arethesespinningoutfitsreallyalltheyarecrackeduptobe?”Iasked.“Oh,Iguessso,”hesaid.“Everybodytotheirownopinion.”“Don’tyoulikethem?”“Idon’tknowanythingaboutthem.”“Aretheyverypopular?”“Somepeoplebuythem.Ijustdon’tknow.Iunderstandthey’regoodforan

amateurbecausetheywon’tbacklash.”TheendresultwasthatIleftwithoutbuyinganything.“Mustbehaving

sometroublewiththem,”Isaidtomyself,“orhewouldhavetriedtosellmeone.”

AfewweekslaterIhappenedtobeinFloridaandhadanopportunitytodoalittlefishingoveraweekend.Iwentaroundtoasmalltackleshopandaskedtobefixedupwitharig.

“Wantaspinningoutfit,Iguess,”saidtheoldfellowbehindthecounter.“Well,Idon’tknow,”Isaid.“Spinningismostlyforamateurs,isn’tit?”Hefixedanunflinchingeyeonmeandasked,“Mister,don’tyoulikespin

fishing?”asifheweresurprisedtodeath.“Well,”Ireplied,“I’veneverdoneany.”“Anybodythatdoesn’tlikespinfishingmusthaverocksinthehead,”he

answered.Now,thatoldmanwouldneverwinanymedalsfordiplomacy.Buthisutter

andsincereenthusiasmforspinfishingcompletelycancelledtheabruptnessofhiswords.Hewassocompletely“sold”himselfthathesoldme.AllIcoulddowaslaughandsay,“Well,fixmeupaspinningoutfit.”

Thisbringsupanotherphaseofcontrollingtheactionsofotherpeople.Youneversellanythingtoanyoneelseuntilyouyourselfaresoldonit.Whenyouaresold,andtheotherfellowknowsyouaresold,he’llwantit.Goonestepfurtherandsellyourselfontheideathatheisgoingtobuy,andheisalmostforcedintobuyingwhatyouareselling.

ThebesttestimonyIhaveeverrunacrosstoprovethatyoucancontroltheenthusiasmofothersisFrankBettger’sbook,HowIRaisedMyselffromFailuretoSuccessinSelling.*Bettgerwasafailureuntiltheageof29.Healmoststarvedtodeathwhenhefirsttriedtomakealivingselling.Thenhesetoutdeliberatelytomakehimselfenthusiastic.Hestoppedtryingtomakeothers

enthusiasticabouthisproductbyadirectfrontalattack.Instead,heconcentratedonbeingenthusiastic.Andashebecameenthusiastic—hefoundthatothersalsobecamesoandboughtfromhim.Hewentontobecomeoneofthemostsuccessfulsalesmenthiscountryhaseverproduced.

Confidencebreedsconfidence:howtomakethemostofitJustasyoucanmakeothersenthusiasticbybeingenthusiastic,youcanmakeothershaveconfidenceinyouandinyourproposition—byactingconfidently.

Itisasadbuttruefactthatmanymenofmediocreabilitygetfurtherthanotherswhohaveoutstandingtalents,merelybecausetheyknowhowtoactconfidently.

Allthegreatleadersofmenhaveknowntheimportanceofactinginaconfidentway.Napoleon,althoughperhapsnotagoodexampleofgoodhumanrelationsinmanyotherways,didknowthemagicoftheconfidentmannerandusedittoanendlessdegree.Afterhisfirstexile,whentheFrenchArmywassentouttogethim,hedidn’trunorhide.Instead,hewentoutboldlytomeetthem.Onemanagainstanarmy.Yet,hissupremeconfidencethathewasmasterofthesituationworkedmagic.Heactedasifheexpectedthearmytotakecommandsfromhim,andthesoldiersmarchedbackbehindhim.

TheHiltonstory.Inhisearlyyears,ConradHiltonhadmoreconfidencethanmoney.Infact,aboutallhehadinthewayofassetswasareputationforkeepinghisword,andtheabilitytoinspireinothersthesameconfidenceinhisplansthathefelthimself.Nomatterwhattheoddsorobstacles,Hiltonalwaysactedasifitwereimpossibletofail,andhisverymanner,likemagic,inspiredotherstobelievethathecouldnotfail.Thefirstreallyfirst-classhotelHiltoneverownedwasbegunwithlessthan$50,000ofhisownmoney.Whenhismothercameuponhimdrawingplansandaskedwhathewasdoing,hetoldherhewasplanningareallybighotel.“Wherewillthemoneycomefrom,”sheasked.

“Inhere,”saidHilton,tappinghishead.Byexhaustingeverypossiblesource,hesucceededinraisingabouthalf-a-milliondollarsincapital.Butwhenarchitectsgavehimanestimateforthehotelhewantedbuilt,theysaiditwouldcostatleastonemilliondollars.Withouthesitation,hesaid“Drawuptheplans.”

Hiltonthenactuallybeganbuildingthehotel,withouthavingtheslightestideawherethemoneywasgoingtocomefromtofinishit.Butbecausehehimselfnotonlytalkedofbuildingamilliondollarhotel—butactuallyactedasifhemeanttodoit—otherpeoplebecameconvincedthat“Conniecandoit”andinvestedtheirmoney.

HenryFordfinancedhiscompanyinitsearlydayslargelythroughusinga

confidentmanner.Hekeptasmuchcashonhandaspossible.Wheninvestorsandcreditorswouldcomearoundhewouldletthemknowinonewayoranother,theamountofcashhehad.Hedidn’tbothertotellthemthatpracticallyallhisassetswereincash.Hehadhisbacktothewallmorethanonce,butbyactingasifhecouldnotfail—andasifhemeanttobeasuccess—heinspiredotherswithhissameconfidence.

JohnD.Rockefellerusedthesametechnique.Whenacreditorcamecallingandsubtlysuggestedhewouldliketohavehisbillpaid,Rockefellerwouldreachforhischeckbookwithaflourish.“Whichwouldyouratherhave,”hewouldask,“cashorStandardOilstock?”Heappearedsocalmandconfidentthatnearlyalldecidedtotakestockinhiscompany,andnoneeverlivedtoregretit.

MoneyinthebankforsalesmenBobWhitney,presidentofNationalSalesExecutives,NewYorkCity,toldmerecently,“Les,aconfidentmannerinasalesmanislikehavingmoneyinthebank.Actconfident.Lookconfident.Andyou’llfindthatyoubegintofeelmoreconfident.Moreimportant,yourprospectswillbegintohavemoreconfidenceinyou.I’veseenmediocresalesmenmakeagoodrecordbecausetheyknewhowtoactandtalkinaconfidentmanner.AndI’veseenmenwhoapparentlyknewalltheanswersabouttheoreticalsalesmanshipfailmiserablybecausetheydidnothavethisknackofdisplayingtheconfidentmanner.”

HowtoputmagnetisminyourpersonalityBobBale,founderofthefamousBobBalePersonalityInstitute,tellsmethatthissamefeelingofconfidenceandtheadoptionofaconfidentmannerisoneofthemostimportantthingsyoucandotomakeyourselfamoreinteresting,dynamicpersonality.

“Noonelikesawishy-washy,namby-pambysortofpersonwhoactsasifhedidn’tquiteknowwhathewastalkingaboutorwhathewants,”saysBob.

“Weinstinctivelylikethepersonwhoknowswhathewants,andactsasifheexpectstogetit.Peopledon’tlikedoubtersorfailures.Ifyouwantpeopletolikeyouletthemknowthatyouexpecttowin.Holdupyourhead.Looktheotherpersonintheeye.Walkasifyouhadsomewheretogoandmeanttogetthere.Ihaveseenmenandwomencompletelychangetheirpersonalitiesbyadeliberateadoptionoftheconfidentmanner.”

Remember,ifyoubelieveinyourselfandactasifyoubelieveinyourself,

otherswillbelieveinyou.

LittleThingsGiveYouAwayYoucan’tlookinsideaman’sskullandseehowmuchconfidenceisinsideit.Butconfidencehasawayofshowingitselfinlittlesubtleways.Andwhilewemayneverhaveanalyzedjustwhywehaveconfidenceinanotherperson,subconsciouslywealljudgeothersbytheselittle“signs”or“clues”thatgivethemaway.

1.WatchyourwalkOurphysicalactionsexpressourmentalattitudes.Ifyouseeamanwalkingalongwithshouldersbentanddrooped,youcanknowthathisburdensarealmosttooheavyforhimtobear.Heactsasifhewerecarryingaheavyweightaroundwithhim.(Heprobablyis,intheformofdiscouragementanddespair.)Whensomethingisweightingdownaman’sspirit,itinvariablyweightsdownhisbody.Hedroops.

Seeamanwalkingalongwithheaddownandeyesdowncastandyouknowheisfeelingpessimistic.

Atimidpersonwalkswithunsure,hesitantsteps,asifhewereafraidtoletgoandreallystepoutconfidently.

Themanwithafeelingofconfidencestepsoutboldly.Hisshouldersareback,andhiseyesarelookingoutanduptosomegoalhefeelshecanattain.

2.Yourtattle-talehandshakeWritingforYourLifemagazine,JohnD.Murphy,inanarticlecalled“YourTattle-taleHandshake,”saysthatthewayyoushakehandstellstheotherpersonfarmorethanyoususpectaboutthewayyoufeelaboutyourself.Thelimp,dish-ragtypehandshakerislowonself-confidence.Ifhetriestoactarrogantandpowerful,asmanypeopledowhoarelowonself-confidence,youknowheisbluffing.Thebone-crusherisapttobecompensatingforalackofself-confidence.Hegoestotoogreatanextremetoimpressyouthathereallyisconfident.Thefirm,butnotcrushinghandshake,withjustalittlesqueezeinitthatsays,“I’malive.I’vegotafirmgraspofthings,”isthehandshakethatdenotesself-confidence.

3.YourtoneofvoiceActuallyweexpressourselvesthroughourvoicesmorethaninanyotherway.Thevoiceisthemosthighlydevelopedmeansofcommunicationbetweenhumanbeings.Butyourvoicecommunicatesmorethanideas.Italsocommunicatesyourfeelingsaboutyourself.Begintolistentoyourownvoice.Doesitexpresshopelessnessorcourage?Haveyou,withoutrealizingit,gottenintothehabitoftalkinginawhiningway?Doyouspeakupconfidently—ormumble?

HowtoUsetheOnlyWaytoMakePeopleDoBetterManypeopletrytomakeothersdobetterbyscolding,shaming,threatening,orgivingadviceonwhatthey“ought”todo.Thetroubleisthatthesemethodsjustdonotwork.Mostoftentheymakemattersworse.Obeyingabasiclawofhumannatureto“liveupto”theopinionsofothersandtoactoutappropriatelythepartheisgiven,theaccusedandblamedpersonwilldowhatseemstobeexpectedofhim,willtrytofulfillyourviewofhim.Yourscoldinganddisapprovalonlyconvincetheotherpersonthatyouaredisappointedinhim,thatyouhavealowopinionofhim,andagainyouwillseeyourownopinionsreflectedbacktoyouintheotherperson’sactions.

WinstonChurchill,whoistrulyamasterintheartofdealingwithpeople,oncesaid,“Ihavefoundthatthebestwaytogetanothertoacquireavirtue,istoimputeittohim.”

Lettheotherfellowknowyouthinkhecanbetrustedandhewillprovehimselftrustworthy.

InthelittletownofSunset,Louisiana,thereisabankerbythenameofRobertJ.Castile,headoftheBankofSunsetandTrustCompany,whohasmadehundredsofloanswithoutcollateralorco-signers.Heevenloansmoneytohighschoolgraduates,whoareminors,withoutthesignatureoftheirparents.Hehasfinancedmorethan300collegeeducationsforneedystudents.

Outofmorethanhalf-a-milliondollarssoloanedduringthepast15years,thebankhasnotlostonecent.Themagicissimplythattheborrowersaremadetoknowthattheyaregettingthemoneyforonereasonandonereasononly:thebankexpectsthemtorepay,andthebankhasfaithinthemtorepay.In1945,thebankloaned$2,000toanunemployedmanwhohadnoassetswhatever,notevenaplacetoliveforhisfamily.Everypennywaspaidbackwithinfouryears.

Atruthserumthatreallyworks.Alawenforcementofficertoldmerecently

thatthebestwayhehadeverfoundtogetinformationfromshadycharacterswassimplytotellthem,“Well,peopletellmethatyouhavequiteareputationasatoughguyandthatyou’vebeeninlotsoftrouble,butthatthereisjustonethingyouwon’tdoandthatistolie.Theysaythatifyoutellmeanythingatallitwillbethetruth,andthat’sthereasonI’mhere.”

Byimputingthevirtueoftruthfulnesstoahoodlum,thiscopliterallymakeshimtellthetruth.

WhenHerbertHooverwasheadofpriceregulationduringWorldWarI,wordreachedhimthatacertainMidwesternmerchantwasviolatingpriceregulationsflagrantlyandopenly.Hooverdecidedtotryabitofstrategy.Hesentthemerchantatelegramthatsaidineffect:“YouhavebeenappointedChairmanofaCommitteeonComplianceinyourcity.”Thetelegramwentontoadvisethatthismerchant’scooperationinseeingthatthemerchantsofhiscityabidedbytheregulationsonavoluntarybasiswouldbegreatlyappreciated.Thetelegramworkedlikemagic.Notonlydidthemerchantabidestrictlybytheregulationsfromthattimeon,buthespentalotoftimeandeffortconvincingothermerchantstocomply.Hooverhadusedanoldtrickthatschoolteachersfrequentlyemploywhentheypickoutthemostrowdyboyintheclassandsay,“Jimmy,IamgoingtohavetoleavetheroomforafewminutesandIwantyoutoactasmonitorandkeeporderuntilIreturn.”

LongagoEmersonsaid,“Trustmenandtheywillbetruetoyou.”Tryit.You’llfindthatitisnotjustaplatitude,butthatitworks.Wearenotthesamepersontoeverypersonwemeet.Noman,woman,or

childiswhollygoodorwhollybad.Weallhavedifferentsidestoourpersonality.Nearlyalways,thesidethatwepresent,isthesidethattheotherfellowbringsoutinus.Itdoesn’tpaytopre-judgepeopleanddecidethatso-and-soisacrotchetyoldskinflint,justbecausesomeoneyouknowhadthatexperiencewithhim.Yourfriendmighthavebroughtoutthecrotchetysideoftheotherfellow.Byusingcommonsenseandpsychologyyoumaybeabletobringoutagoodandgenerousside.Anyway,it’sworthatry.

CHAPTER4INBRIEF1.Whetheryourealizeitornot,youcontroltheactionsandattitudesofothersbyyourownactionsandattitudes.

2.Yourownattitudesarereflectedbacktoyoufromtheotherpersonalmostasifyoustoodbeforeamirror.

3.Actorfeelhostileandtheotherfellowreflectsthishostilitybacktoyou.Shoutathim,andheisalmostcompelledtoshoutback.Actcalmlyandunemotionally,andyouturnawayhisangerbeforeitgetsstarted.

4.Actenthusiasticandyouarousetheenthusiasmoftheotherperson.

5.Actconfidentlyandtheotherpersonhasconfidenceinyou.

6.Begintodaydeliberatelytocultivateanenthusiasticattitude.TakeatipfromFrankBettgerandactasifyouwereenthusiastic.Soonyou’llfeelenthusiastic.

7.Rightnow,begindeliberatelytocultivateaconfidentmanner.Don’tmumbleyourwordsasifyouwereafraidtoexpressthem.Speakout.Watchyourposture.Aslumpedfiguresignifiesthatyoufindtheburdensoflifetooheavyforyoutobear.Adroopingheadsignifiesthatyouaredefeatedbylife.Holdyourheadup.Straightenupyourshoulders.Walkwithaconfidentstep,asifyouhadsomewhereimportanttogo.

*NewYork:Prentice-Hall,Inc.,1949.

5HOWYOUCANCREATEAGOODFIRST

IMPRESSIONONOTHERPEOPLE

Amusiciancanoftenlistentotheveryfirstnoteofapieceofmusicandtellyouinwhatkeythecompositioniswritten.Inmostcasesacompositionwillbeginonthesamenoteasthekey.IfthepieceiswritteninBflat,forexample,thefirstmainchordwillbeBflat.Youwillalsofindthatmostmusicalcompositionsendonthesamekeynote.

Whathasallthistodowithhumanrelations?Quitealot.Themannerinwhichweapproachtheotherfellow,ourveryfirstwordsand

actions,nearlyalwayssoundthe“keynote”fortheentireinterview.Ifyoubeginbyclowningaroundwithaperson,itisverydifficulttomovetheinterviewintoadifferentkey.Hejustwon’ttakeyouseriously.

Everybodyintheworldisliterallywaitingforyoutotellthemwhattodo.Youcancontroltheactionsandattitudesoftheotherpersontoaremarkableextentifyouwillremembertostarttheconversationwithhimonthesamekeynotethatyouwantittoendon.Ifyouwanthimtotakeyouseriously,soundthatkeynoteinyourveryfirstwords.Ifyouwantittobebusinesslike,startoffinabusiness-liketone.Ifyouwantittobeinformal,startoffinaninformaltone.

Remember,theotherpersonwill“risetotheoccasion.”Hewillactouthisroleonthestagesettingthatyouprovide.Unlessyouwanttobeonthedefensiveduringtheentireinterview—donotbeginwithanapologeticattitude.Adoor-to-doorsalesmanknocksonadoorandwhenthehousewifeanswers,says,“Ihatetobotheryou,ma’am,”or“Iwon’ttakeupmuchofyourtime,”andwithoutrealizingitheiscontrollingtheattitudeofthehousewife.Heissettingastagewhereshecanonlyactouttheroleofapersonwhoisbeingbotheredandwhosetimeisbeingtakenup.

CasparMilquetoastgoestoaswankyrestaurantandsaysapologeticallytotheheadwaiter,“I’msorry,butIdon’thavereservations.Idon’tsupposeIcould

haveaplacenearthefloorshow.”Withoutrealizingit,heissettingthestagefortheheadwaitertoactupon.“Youcertainlycan’texpecttohaveacentertableifyoudon’tbothertogetreservations,”saystheheadwaiter,andputshimoffinacorner.

Youhaveheardontheradioortelevisionorinthemoviesthewords“lights,camera,action.”Whenthesewordsarespoken,actionbegins.Camerasstartturning,theactorsstartacting.Buttheactorsaren’tjustactingwilly-nilly.Theyareactingoutrolesthathavebeenassignedthem.Theyareactinginaccordancewithapre-arrangedmood.Andthe“scene”theyactoutisthescenethatfitsthestagesetting.

Whetheryourealizeitornot,everytimeyouhavedealingswithanotherperson,youaresettingastage.Ifyousetthestageforcomedy,youshouldn’texpecthimtoactoutseriousdrama.Ifyousetthestagefortragedy,don’texpecttheotherpersontobegayaboutit.

Rememberthatyourveryfirstwords,actions,andattitudesinvariablysoundthekeynote.Haveyoueverheardsomeonesay,“Wejustcouldn’tseemtogettogether.Somehowwejustgotoffonthewrongfoot”?“Itjustdidn’tcomeoff,”wesayofameetingorinterviewthatdidn’tgoaswewouldhaveliked.Nearlyalways,whenthishappens,itisbecausewegotoffinthewrongkey.Wesoundedaminoropeningchord,andthenwonderedwhythemusicthatfollowedwassosad.

Knowwhatyouwant,thensoundoffaccordinglyDr.RuthBarbee,directoroftheFamilyRelationsInstitute,Atlanta,Georgia,hashelpedmanyhusbandsandwivespatchuptheirdifferences.Buttheonebigdifficulty,shetellsme,isgettingthemtogetherinherofficeonakeynoteofreconciliation.

“I’llgobacktohim,”saysthewife,“ifheshowsheissincere.”“I’dbehappytohavehercomehome,”saysthehusband,“onlyshe’sgotto

makethefirstmove.”Gettingthemtogetherwhileinthismoodisuseless,saysDr.Barbee,forone

ortheotherwillsoundoffinakeynoteofhostility,andthemeetingwillinvariablyendinjustanotherargument.Butifoneortheother,orbetter,both,willbeginwithakeynotethatsays,“Iwantyouback,”almostanydifficultycanbeovercome.

Beforeyougointoanykindofdiscussion,itiswelltoaskyourselfthequestion:“WhatdoIreallywantfromthis?HowdoIwantthistogo?WhatmooddoIwanttoprevail?”Thensoundoffakeynotethatwillsetthestagefor

that.

HowtoCreateaGoodFirstImpressionAnotherwaywecancontroltheactionsandattitudesofothersistorememberthattheveryfirstimpressionwegivethemisapttobethelastingimpressiontheyhaveofus.Thatfirstmeetingusuallysoundsthekeynote.Fromthenon,itismightyhardtogettheotherfellowtochangehisopinionofyou.

TheotherdayIwastalkingwithafriendaboutacertainmerchantwebothknew.“Idon’tlikehim,”shesaid.“Heismeanandill-temperedandtreatshiswifeterribly.”

Iwasflabbergasted.“Idon’tunderstand,”Isaid.“Tomeheisoneofthemostpleasant,good-

naturedfellowsintown.AndIhappentoknowthatheandhiswifeareveryhappytogether.”

“Well,”respondedmyfriend,“allIknowisthatthefirsttimeIeversawhimIwalkedintohisstoreandhewastalkingjustawfultohiswife.Hewasangryandshoutingandjustactingterribly.”

“Perhapshedidlosehistemperonetime,”Ireplied.“Butthatiscertainlynottypicalofhim.Allofusloseourtempersoccasionally,butI’msureinhiscasethatwastheexceptionratherthantherule.”

“Ican’thelpit,”shesaid.“Idon’tlikemenwhotalktotheirwivesthatway,andnomatterhowniceheisfortherestofhislife,Icouldneverlikehim.”

Actually,themerchantinquestionisoneofthemostdevotedhusbandsIhaveeverknown.Infact,Idon’tbelieveI’veeverknownamanwhowasanymorethoughtfulofhiswife—orwhosewifewasanyhappier.But,unfortunately,thefirsttimemyfriendsawhim,hesetthekeynoteasamean,overbearinghusband,andthatiswhathewillalwaysbetoher.

OtherpeopleacceptyouatyourownappraisalYouyourselfaremoreresponsibleforhowyouareacceptedthananyoneelse.Manypeopleworryaboutwhatotherpeoplewillthinkofthem.Butfewrealizethattheworldformsitsopinionofus,largelyfromtheopinionwehaveofourselves.Thistoo,isbasedonalawofpsychologythatisascertainasthelawofgravitation.

Emersononcesaid,“Itisamaximworthyofallacceptationthatamanmayhavethatallowancehetakes.Taketheplaceandattitudewhichbelongtoyou,

andallmenacquiesce.Theworldmustbejust.Itleavestoeveryman,withprofoundunconcern,tosethisownrate.Heroordriveller,itmeddlesnotinthematter.Itwillcertainlyacceptyourownmeasureofyourdoingandbeing,whetheryousneakaboutanddenyyourownname,orwhetheryouseeyourworkproducedtotheconcavesphereoftheheavens,onewiththerevolutionofthestars.”

Ifyouaren’tacceptedasyouwouldliketobe,maybeyoushouldblameyourself.Actasifyouwereanobody,andtheworldwilltakeyouatyourownvalue.Actasifyouwereasomebody,andtheworldhasnochoicebuttotreatyouassomebody.

Onewordofwarningisneededhere.Manypeoplethinktheyareshowingtheworldwhatahighopiniontheyhaveofthemselveswhentheyarearrogant,overbearing,rudeand“stuck-up.”Actually,theyareshowingjusttheopposite.

Remember,themanwhoreallyhasagoodopinionofhimselfdoesnotgotoridiculouslengthstoconvincehimselfheissomebody.Peoplewhoputonairsandtrytoactwhatthey(wrongly)thinkisabig-shotroledosobecausetheyfeelaneedtoactbig.Andthereasontheyfeelaneedtoactbigisbecausetheyreallyfeelsmallandinsignificant.Theyareconstantlytryingtoprovetothemselvesthattheyarereallybiggerthantheyfeel.

Really“big”peopleneveractlikethis.Rather,theyarenaturalandhomey.Subconsciously,weareallsmarterthanwerealize.Ourconsciousmindmaynotbesmartenoughtoanalyzeandseethroughthedisguisespeoplewear.Butoursubconsciousdoes.Andoursubconscioustellsusthatthepersonputtingonabigactdoesn’treallythinkwellofhimselfatallbutisjustaphoney.

Forexample,Iknowacertainmanwhogoestogreatlengthstogethispictureinthenewspapers.Andwhenhedoes,hehashundredsofcopiesmadeandsendsthemtoeveryoneheknows.TheotherdayafriendandIweretalkingaboutthisfellow,whohadjustsentmyfriendanothercutofhimselffromsomeMidwesternnewspaper.

“Youknow,”hesaid,“I’mbeginningtowonder.Ishetryingtoconvincemeheisabig-shot,orishereallytryingtoconvincehimself?”

HowmanypeopleunwittinglycreateabadimpressionPeoplejudgeyounotonlybythevalueyouputonyourself…theyjudgeyoubythevalueyouputonotherthings:yourjob,yourwork,evenyourcompetition.

ThereisaverseintheBiblethatsays,“Judgenotthatyebenotjudged.”Itisagoodtextforhumanrelations.Foreverytimewejudgesomething,wegiveotherpeopleacluetojudgingus.

Anattorneywhohandlesmanydivorcecasessaidtome,“Oftenwhenahusbandorwifebeginstotellmeallthemean,unpleasantthingstheotherpartnerhasdone,IlearnmoreaboutthepersonwhoisdoingthetalkingthanIlearnaboutthepersonbeingtalkedabout.”

Negativetalkandnegativeopinionsgiveabadimpression.WalterLowen,headoftheWalterA.LowenPlacementAgency,NewYork

City,hasanimpressiverecordforfindingmenandwomenjobsintheupperbrackets.ItiseverydaybusinessforLowentoplaceamaninajobpaying$50,000ormoreperyear,andhehasbeendoingthisformorethan30years.

Oneofthethingsthathetellseachapplicantisnevertoexpressresentmentagainsthispresentemployer,whenbeinginterviewedbyanewone.Thetemptationistoingratiateyourselfwiththenewmanbyrunningdownyourpresentboss.Thereisalsoatemptationtotellhowunjustlyyouhavebeentreated.Don’tdoit,saysLowen.“Remember,nobodywantstohireasorehead.”

Evernoticehowrestlessyougetwhenyouareforcedintothecompanyofachroniccomplainer?Evernoticehowunpopularthefellowiswhois“agin”everything?

Whatvaluedoyouplaceonyourjob,onthecompanyyouworkfor?Whensomeoneasksyouwhereyouwork,doyouanswerhalf-apologetically,“Oh,Iworkatthe————bank,”asifyouwereashamedofthefact,ordoyousayproudly,“Iworkatthebestbankinthispartofthecountry.”Theotherpersonwillthinkmoreofyouifyougivethesecondanswer.

Whensomeoneaskswhereyou’refrom,doyousay,self-consciously—“Oh,it’sjustalittlewideplaceintheroad,”ordoyousay,“I’mfromPleasantville,thegreatestlittletownintheworld”?

Ifyougivetheimpressionthatyouremployerisn’tmuch,oranythingelseyouaredoingisn’tmuch,thenthelistenerwillthinkthatyoucan’tbemuchyourselforyouwouldn’tbeassociatedwithsuchaplaceordoingwhatyou’redoing.

Don’tknockthecompetition.Itissurprisinghowmanysalesmenhaveneverlearnedthatpeopledonotlikeknockers—evenpeoplewhoknockcompetition.Neverknocktheotherfellowortheotherfellow’sproductifyouwanttomakeagoodimpression.Instead,boostyourownproduct.Notonlydopeopledislikenegativetalk—andknockingiscertainlynegative—butalso,yousetanegativestage.Yousetthestageforanegativemood—andthenwonderwhyyoucan’tgettheprospecttosayyes.Besidesthis,thesubconsciousmindoftheotherfellowissmartenoughtoreasonout,“Thecompetitionmustreallybesomething,orthisfellowwouldn’tbesoafraidofitandgotosuchlengthstoknockit.”

Gettingpeopletosay“yes”toyouDon’texpecta“yes”responsefromtheotherfellow,ifyousetanegativestage.Thewell-knownpsychologist,HarryOverstreet,inhisbookInfluencingHumanBehavior,*saysthatthebestwayeverdiscoveredbypsychologytogeta“yes”responseistoputtheotherfellowina“yes”mood.Youdothisbycreatingapositiveandaffirmativeatmosphere,ratherthananegativeone.

Onegoodruleistogettheotherfellowtosay“yes”toanumberofpreliminaryquestions.“Isn’tthisabeautifulcolor?”or“Don’tyouagreethisisfineworkmanship?”Aftertheotherpersonhasanswered“yes”fiveorsixtimestothesepreliminaryquestions,itismucheasierforhimtosay“yes”toyourbigquestion.

“Yes”cansometimesbenegative.Don’t,however,makethemistakeofonefellowIknow,intryingtocarryoutthisadvice.Hewassuchapessimistic,negativethinker,thateventhoughheaskedquestionswhichgota“yes”answer,theywereallpitchedtocreateanegativeratherthananaffirmativemood.

“Isn’ttheheatterribletoday?”hewouldaskaprospect,andtheprospectwouldsay“yes.”“Theworldissureinamess,isn’tit?”he’dask,andagaingeta“yes”answer.“Withworldconditionswhattheyareyouneverknowwhattodependon,”he’dsay.

“Yes,that’sright,”theprospectwouldanswer.Althoughhegot“yes”answers,hecreatedanegativemood.Theprospectwassogloomyanddepressedandinsuchanegativeframeofmindthathewasinnomoodtobuyanything.

Pessimistic,gloomy,negativepeopledon’tbuygoods,andtheydon’tbuyideas.Theybecomecautiousandhesitant.Cheerful,optimistic,positive-thinkingpeoplearetheoneswhobuygoodsorideas.Theyaremoregenerous,morewillingtoexpand,morewillingtotakeachance.

Yourquestionoftensetsthestagefortheanswer.Anotherruletoemployingettinga“yes”answeristoaskaquestionwheretheanswerisimpliedinthequestion.Insteadofsaying,“Doyoulikethis?”say,“Ibelieveyoulikethisone,don’tyou?”Insteadofsaying,“Doyoulikethiscolor?”say,“Thiscertainlyisabeautifulcolor,isn’tit?”or“Isn’tthisabeautifulcolor?”

Thethirdruleforhelpingpeoplesay“yes”istonodyourheadaffirmativelyasyouaskthequestion.Remember,youractionsinfluencetheactionsoftheotherperson.

AssumethattheotherpersonwilldowhatyouwantDr.AlbertEdwardWiggam,whomwehavequotedearlier,says,“Hardly

anythingisstrongerinsuggestionthanthecalmassumptionthattheotherfellowisgoingtodowhatyouwanthimtodo.”

OneofthemostsuccessfulmenIknowofingettingpeopletodothings—anddothemgladly—isDr.PierceP.Brooks,presidentofNationalBanker’sLifeInsuranceCompany,Dallas,Texas.

WhenDr.BrookswasChairmanoftheBoardofStewardsofTylerStreetMethodistChurchinDallas,SundaySchoolattendanceincreasedtosuchanextentthatitsetnewrecordsforMethodistchurchesallovertheworld.Suchanachievementrequirestheeffortsandcooperationofmanypeopleworkingtogether.WhenhewaspresidentoftheTexasSafetyCouncil,DallassetnewsafetyrecordsandbecameknownasthesafestcityintheU.S.WhenheorganizedtheCrippledChildren’sFoundationofAmerica,henotonlygavemuchofhisownmoney,butsucceededingettingmanyotherbusinessmentogive—oneofwhomdonatedtheentireprofitsofoneofhiscompaniestothecause.Hisabilitytoorganizeandgetpeopletodothingshasnotonlymadehimasuccess,buthasmadehimmuchindemandasaleaderofcivicandfraternalcauses.

WhenIaskedDr.Brooksthesecretofgettingpeopletodothings,hesaid,“Iseldom,ifever,askanyoneifhewilldosomething.Ialwaystrytofindsomepersonalreasonwhytheotherfellowwouldwanttodo,thenjustassumethathedoeswanttodoit,andisgoingtodoit.IletthemknowthatIbelievetheycandoit,thatIhaveconfidenceintheirability,thatItrustthemtodoagoodjob—thenleavethemaloneandletthemdoit.Constantlylookingoveraman’sshoulderimpliesthatyoudonotquitetrusthimtodoagoodjob.Iassumethatheisgoingtodoagoodjob,andI’mveryseldomdisappointed.”

Inhisbook,HowPowerSellingBroughtMeSuccessinSixHours,*Dr.Brooksgoesontotellhowheusesthistechniqueofcalmlyassumingthattheotherpersonisgoingtobuy,asoneofthebestmethodsofclosingsales.

Hereagain,wehavethestrongurgeofahumanbeingto“liveupto”whatisexpectedofhim.

Ifyou’renotlookingfortrouble,whyaskforit?Tryusingthistechniqueonyourchildren.Stopusingwordsthatshowthatyouexpecttobedisobeyed,ortogetanargument.

Forexample,ifyouwantyourchildrentogotobedwithoutalotofresistance,don’tsay,“Jimmy,dear,it’sgettinglate,andMommywishesyouwouldgoonandgetreadyforbed.”Ifyouwanthimtocomeintothehouseandrest,don’tsay,“Oh,IwishIcouldgetyoutocomeinandrestalittle.Idon’tseewhyyouwanttokeeprunningaroundinthehotsun.”ThesestatementsassumethatyouexpectJimmytoputupanargument.Theyassumethathedoesn’twant

togotobed—orcomeinthehouseandrest.Instead,trythis:goturndownhiscovers.Gethispajamasandbringthemto

him.Kisshimgoodnightandsay,“Okay,Jimmy,timetogotobednow.”Ifyouwanthimtorestfor30minutesaday,trysettinganalarmclocktogooffwhentherestperiodistobegin.Whentheclocksoundsoff,gotothedoor,openitforhim,andsaysimply,“Okay,Jimmy,youcanfinishthatlater—it’stimeforrestperiodnow.”

Don’texpectthesemethodstoworkperfectly,especiallyifyouhaveeducatedJimmyforalongtimetotheideathatyouexpecthimtoargueandshowresistance.Butthesemethodswillworkbetterthanpleadingorscolding,andaremucheasieronyournerves.

WhenafamousnewspaperreportercalledattheeditorialofficesoftheChristianScienceMonitor,helookedaroundanddidnotseeany“NoSmoking”signs.Soheasked,“Istherearuleagainstsmokinginhere?”

“No,”saidtheeditor.“Thereisnorule.Butnobodyeverhas.”Althoughthereporterwasachain-smoker,andhewastoldtherewasnorule

againstit—hefoundhesimplycouldnotsmoke,sostrongwastheinfluenceofknowinghewasnotexpectedtosmoke.

CHAPTER5INAFEWWORDS1.Indealingwithotherpeople,youyourselfsoundthekeynotefortheentiretheme,whenyoubegintheinterview.

2.Ifyoustartoffonanoteofformality,themeetingwillbeformal.Startoffonanoteoffriendlinessandthemeetingwillbefriendly.Setthestageforabusiness-likediscussion,anditwillbebusiness-like.Startonanoteofapologyandtheotherpersonwillforceyoutoplaythatthemeallthewaythrough.

3.Whenyoumeetsomeoneforthefirsttime,theimpressionyoumakethenisverylikelytobethekeynotethatwilldeterminehowheregardsyoufortherestofyourlife.

4.Otherpeopletendtoacceptyouatyourownevaluation.Ifyouthinkyouareanobody,youarepracticallyaskingotherpeopletosnubyou.

5.Oneofthebestmeanseverdiscoveredforimpressingtheotherfellowfavorablyisnottostrivetoohardtomakeanimpression,

buttolethimknowthatheismakingagoodimpressiononyou.

6.Peoplejudgeyounotonlybytheopinionyouholdofyourself,butalsobytheopinionsyouholdonotherthings:yourjob,yourcompany,evenyourcompetition.

7.Negativeopinionscreateanegativeatmosphere.Don’tbeaknocker.Anddon’tbeasorehead.

8.Theway,itself,inwhichyouaskthings,setsthestageorsoundsthekeynotefortheotherperson’sanswer.Don’task“no”questionsifyouwant“yes”answers.Don’taskquestionsorissueinstructionsthatimplyyouexpecttrouble.Whyaskfortrouble?

*NewYork:W.W.NortonandCo.,1925.

*EnglewoodCliffs,N.J.:Prentice-Hall,Inc.,1955.

PARTTHREE

TECHNIQUESFORMAKINGAND

KEEPINGFRIENDS

6.HowtoUseThreeBigSecretsforAttractingPeople

7.HowtoMaketheOtherFellowFeelFriendly—Instantly

6HOWTOUSETHREEBIGSECRETSFOR

ATTRACTINGPEOPLE

Whatisthesecretofanattractivepersonality?Wehaveallknownthem,thosepeoplewhojustseemtoattractcustomersandfriends.Wesaythatpeoplearedrawntosuchapersonality,or“hejustdrawspeopletohim.”Suchphrasesareverydescriptive,foryoucan’tforcepeopletolikeyou,butyoucandrawthemtoyouifyousupplyfoodtofeedthreebasichumanhungers.

PutoutaT-bonesteakonyourbackdoorstepandyoudon’thavetorideherdonthedogsinyourneighborhoodtogetthemtocome.They’llbethere.AndwhenwordgetsaroundthatyouhaveinstockthethreebasicfoodsthatIwanttotellyouaboutinthischapter,peoplewillbeattractedtoyouinthesameway.

Thegenuinely“niceguy”whomeverybodyavoids.Friendshipdoesn’tjusthappen.Wechooseourfriends.Andeitherconsciouslyorunconsciously,wechoosethemonthebasisofneedandhunger.SamSweettalkmaybethenicest,sweetest,mostconsideratemanyouhaveevermetinyourwholelife,yetyoumaynotchooseSamforapersonalfriendforthesimplereasonthatSamdoesnotofferanyfoodtofeedyourhungers.Infact,youmayfindyourselfuncomfortableinSam’spresence.Allthegoodnessthatisoozingoutofhimallthetimemayonlymakeyoufeelguiltyandinferior.SoalthoughSamisaniceguy,youavoidhimliketheplague.

TheTriple-AFormulaforAttractingPeopleHerearethreebasichungersthatallnormalhumanbeingshave.Youmightcallthisthe“Triple-A”Techniqueforwinningfriends.Forwhenyouusethesethree“A’s,”withanunderstandingofwhatisbehindthem,you’llfindmoreandmore

peopleautomaticallywarminguptoyou.

1.AcceptanceAcceptanceisavitamin.Weallhungertobeacceptedasweare.Wewantsomeonewecanrelaxwith.Someonewecanletourhairdownandtakeourshoesoffwith.Veryfewofusarebraveenoughto“beourselves”completelywhendealingwiththeworldingeneral.Butweliketohavesomebodythatwecanbeourselveswith,someonewecanaffordtobeourselveswith,becauseweknowwewillbeaccepted.

Thecritical,fault-findingtypeofperson,whoalwaysseeswhereothersfallshortandcanusuallyalsosuggestaremedy,isnevergoingtobestampededbycrowdsrushingtobehisclosefriends.

Don’tsetuprigidpersonalstandardsofhowyouthinkotherpeopleoughttoact.Givetheotherpersontherighttobehimself.Ifhe’salittlepeculiar,lethimbe.Don’tinsistthathedoeverythingyoudoandlikeeverythingyoulike.Lethimrelaxwhenheisaroundyou.

Strangelyenough,thepeoplewhoacceptpeople,andlikethemjustastheyare,havethemostinfluenceinchangingtheotherperson’sbehaviorforthebetter.Manyamarriedmanwhohaschangedfromawildandwoolycharacterintoasolidcitizenwilltellyou(ifyoucangethimtotalkaboutit)thattheonethingwhichenabledhimtochangewas“Thefaithmywifehadinme,”orthat,“Mywifejustbelievedinme.Shenevercriticizedornagged,butjustkeptonbelievinginme.SomehowIjusthadtochange.”

Asonepsychologistexpressedit,“Noonehasthepowertoreformanotherperson,butbylikingtheotherpersonasheis,yougivehimthepowertochangehimself.”

Manygoodpeoplehavelittleornoinfluenceonotherswhomightbeinfluencedbythemforthebetter,simplybecausetheycannotaccordtheotherpersonanyacceptanceasheis,butgivetheotherpersontheideathathemustchangesomewayinordertoearntheiracceptance.

ThereisnorecordthatanyPhariseeeverchangedtheconductofanysinner.ThePhariseesweregoodpeople.Buttheirverygoodnessseparatedthemfromothermen.TheywerehorrifiedwhenJesusatewith“PublicansandSinners.”Theywereaghastwhenhetoldthewomantakeninadultery,“NeitherdoIcondemnthee.”ButthefactremainsthatJesus“hadawaywithpeople”thatnoonehadequalledbeforeorhassince.

Howpsychoanalystshelppeopledobetter.Haveyoueverconsideredwhatreallyhappenswhenapersonispsychoanalyzed?I’mnottalkingaboutthe

movieversions,butareal-lifecase,whereapersonwithallsortsoffearsandproblems—apersonwhocan’tgetalongwithhimself,andcan’tgetalongwithothers—gets“cured,”merelybygoingtwiceaweektoadoctor’sofficeandtalkingtothedoctor.

Recently,Imetaprominentpsychoanalystatadinnerpartyandthetalkgotaroundtothismatterofacceptanceinhumanrelations.

“Ifpeoplereallypracticedacceptance,we’dsoonbeoutofbusiness,”hetoldme.“Fortheveryheartofpsychoanalysisisthatthepatientfindsoneperson,thedoctor,whowillaccepthim.Forthefirsttimeinhislife,heletshishairdown—hebringsouthisfears,thethingsheisashamedof,andthedoctorlistenswithoutsurpriseorhorrorormoraljudgment.Becausehehasfoundonehumanbeingwhoshowsacceptanceinspiteofallhis‘shameful’traitsandfaults,heisabletoaccepthimselfandthenheisontheroadtobetterliving.”

HowtomakeyourmarriagevowscometrueDr.RuthBarbeesaysthatmuchmaritalunhappinesscouldbeavoidedifyoungcoupleswouldtaketoheartthosewordsofthemarriageceremony,“Itakethisman(orwoman)…forbetterorforworse…”Youmustaccepttheotherpersonasheis,shesays.

“Emotionalacceptancedoesnotmeanloweringyourideals,”shecontinues.“Itisthewayyoufeelaboutaperson,notthewayyouthinkabouthim.Itisanaffirmationofhimasaperson.Itisarecognitionthatbasicallyandfundamentallyheissomethingyoucanaccept.Ithastodowiththestuffheismadeof,ratherthanwhathedoesordoesn’tdo.”

Everyoneneedsthisfeelingofacceptance.Nomanisacceptedbyeverybodyanditisfoolishtoattempttobe.Buteachofusmustbeacceptedbythepeoplewhocounttous.Thepunishmentthat“TheManWithoutaCountry”sufferedwasthepunishmentofbeingacceptedbynooneatall.Eventhemostruthlessofmen,whohavesetthemselvesagainstthewholeworld,feeltheneedofthisacceptance.Hitler,forinstance,surroundedhimselfwithasmallgroupofadmirersandtookthemwithhimeverywherehewent.

Acceptanceisatwo-edgedswordOneofthetragediesofoursocietyisthatthisneedforacceptanceworksagainstsocietyaswellasforit.Themanyteenagegangsthatarespringinguparoundthecountry,forexample,arenodoubtdueinlargeparttothefactthatthese

boys,whoarenotacceptedinotherplacesinsociety,doattainsomepersonalsignificance,somesenseofbelonging,throughtheacceptanceofthemembersofthegang.

Anothertragedyisthatveryoftenwhenamangetsoutofprison,hemayhavelearnedhislessonandhaveonlythebestofintentions.Buthesoonfindsthatanex-jailbirdisnotacceptedamong“nicepeople.”Abouttheonlyplacewherehecangetafeelingofacceptanceisamongcriminalsandotherex-criminals.

Howtomakeyourhusband/wifesuccessfulManybigbusinessmentellmethatbeforetheypromoteamantheyliketofindoutsomethingabouthiswife.Theyareinterestednotsomuchinwhethersheisgood-lookingandcharming,oragoodcook,etc.,butprimarilyinwhethershegivesherhusbandafeelingofconfidence.

Thepresidentofonecorporationexpresseditthisway,“Whenawifeacceptsherhusbandandgiveshimthefeelingthatsheispleasedwithhim,asis,itislikegettingashotofself-confidenceinthearmeverytimethehusbandgoeshome.Hesaystohimself,‘ifshelikesme,maybeI’mnotsuchabadguyafterall.’Ifsheseemstolikehimandbelieveinhim,hesays,‘maybeIcandoitafterall,’andhegoesouttomeettheworldthenextmorningbrimmingoverwithself-confidenceandwiththefeelingthatwhatevercomesalong,hecanlickit.

“Butwhenamangoeshometoanagging,complaining,scoldingwife,it’slikehavingallthefighttakenoutofhim.Hercontinualdissatisfactionwithhimcomesacrosstohimandaddstohisgermofself-doubt.Hebeginstodoubthimself.”

Hemighthaveaddedthatawifewhogivesherhusbandacceptancenotonlygiveshimadoseofself-confidence,butalsogiveshimagooddoseofhuman-kindness,andthateasy-to-get-along-withquality.For,byheracceptance,shehelpshimtolikehimselfbetter.Whenhelikeshimselfbetter,heisgoingtobeeasiertogetalongwith.Heisgoingtobemorethoughtfulandconsiderate.Thewifewhoiscontinuallynagging,ontheotherhand,getsjusttheoppositeofwhatshewants.Shehelpsherhusbandlikehimselfless.Andthelowerhisself-esteemsinks,themoreirritableandfault-findingheisgoingtobewithher.Perhapsitispoeticjustice,afterall.

Ofcourse,everythingI’vesaidaboutwivesappliesjustasmuch,ifnotmoreso,tohusbands.Mencanbegreaternaggersthanwomen,andthesarcastic,fault-finding,ego-deflatinghusbandalsogetswhatheasksfor.

2.ApprovalThesecondmagic“A”thateveryonehungersforisapproval.

Approvalgoesalittlefurtherthanacceptance.Acceptanceismostlynegativeincomparison.Weaccepttheotherpersonwithhisfaultsandshortcomingsandstillaccordhimourfriendship.Butapprovalmeanssomethingmorepositive.Itgoesbeyondjusttoleratinganother’sfaults,andfindssomethingpositivethatwecanlike.

Youcanalwaysfindsomethingtoapproveofintheotherperson—andyoucanalwaysfindsomethingtodisapproveof.Itdependsuponwhatyou’relookingfor.Ifyouareanegativetypepersonalityyouarealwayslookingforflaws,alwaysonthelookoutforthingsyoucandisapproveof.Ifyou’reapositivetypepersonality,you’reonthelookoutforthingsyoucanapproveof.

Negativepersonalitiesliterallybringouttheworstinus,fortheyhighlightallthethingsthatarewrongwithus.Positivepersonalitiesbringoutthegoodinus,byhighlightingsomethingtheycanapproveof.Webaskinthesunlightoftheirapproval,andthefeelingissogoodthatwestarttryingtodevelopothertraitsandcharacteristicstodrawapprovalandgiveusthatgoodfeelingalloveragain.

AcureforincorrigiblechildrenAchildpsychologisttoldmenotlongagoaboutaboywhowasbroughttohimlabeled“incorrigible.”Thechildwassupposedtobe“uncontrollable.”Hewasmoody,andatfirstwouldn’teventalktothepsychologist.Theresimplyseemedtobeno“handle”withwhichtotakeholdofhim.Thepsychologistgothiscluefromaremarkmadebytheboy’sfather,whosaid,“ThisistheonlychildI’veeverseenwhodoesn’thaveasinglelikeabletrait,notasingleone.”

Thepsychologiststartedlookingforsomeonethinghecouldapprove.Hefoundseveral.Theboylikedtocarveandhediditwell.Athomehehadcarvedupthefurnitureandbeenpunishedforit.Thepsychologistboughthimacarvingset,asetofcarvingknives,andsomesoftwood.Healsogavehimsomesuggestionsabouthowtousethem,anddidn’tholdbackhisapproval.“Youknow,Jimmy,”hesaid,“youcancarveoutthingsbetterthananyboyIeverknew.”

Well,tomakealongstoryshort,hesoonfoundotherthingstoapprove,andonedayJimmysurprisedeveryonebycleaninguphisownroomwithoutbeingasked.Whenthepsychologistaskedhimwhyhedid,hesaid,“Ithoughtyouwouldlikethat.”

GooutofthewaytoapproveWeareallhungryforapproval.Anditdoesn’thavetobeabigthinginordertosatisfyourhunger.Praiseastockbrokerabouthisabilitytobuyandsellstocksandithaslittleeffectonhim.Heisapttothinkyouaremerelyflatteringhim,becausehissuccessasastockbrokeristooobvious.Butifyouwilllethimknowthatyouapproveofthewayhebroilsasteakovercharcoal,hewillcallyournameblessed.

Agoodruletorememberincomplimentingpeopleisthis:peoplearemorepleasedatacomplimentifyoupraisethemforsomevirtuethatisnotglaringlyobvious.IfamanhasthephysiqueofaGreekGodthechancesarethatheknowsthisalready,andthereislittledoubtinhismindaboutit.Hedoesn’tneedanyconfirmation.Buthemaybegoodatotherthings,whicharenotsoobvious.Seektheseoutandpraisehimforthem,andwatchhimglow!

3.AppreciationismagicAnotherbasichungeristhehungerforappreciation.

Thewordappreciatereallymeanstoraiseinvalue,ortheoppositeofdepreciate,whichmeanstolowerinvalue.Wearealwayslookingforpeoplewhowillraiseusinvalue,ratherthanlowerusinvalue.

Dr.PierceP.Brookstoldmerecentlythatthesuccessofhisinsurancecompaniesisdueinlargeparttothemotto:“Weappreciateouragents.”WhenIaskedhowsuchasimplemottocouldworksuchamiracle(aleadinginsurancemagazinerecentlydescribedthegrowthofhiscompaniesas“miraculous”)hepointedoutthefactthatappreciateisjusttheoppositeofdepreciate.

“Wevalueouragentshighly,”hesaid,“andweletthemknowwevaluethemhighly.Weknowthatthesuccessofanycompanydependsuponthesuccessofitsagents.Theyareimportanttous.Wethinktheyarethebestinthebusiness—andallourdealingswiththemareonthatbasis.Whenyouappreciateaperson,youactuallymakehimmorevaluableandmoresuccessful.”

OtherpeoplearevaluabletoyouStopandconsiderjusthowvaluableotherpeoplearetoyou—yourwife,husband,children,yourboss,youremployees,yourcustomers.Emphasizetheirvalueinyourownmind.Thenfigureoutlittlewaystolettheotherpersonknowyouvaluehimhighly.Andalwaysrememberthatpeoplearethemostimportant,themostvaluablethingsonearth.Hereareafewwaystoshowappreciation.

Giveitalittlethoughtandyoucanthinkofmanymore:

1.Don’tkeeppeoplewaiting,ifyoucanhelpit.

2.Ifyouhaveacallerwhomyoucannotseeimmediately—acknowledgehispresenceandlethimknowyouwillseehimassoonaspossible.

3.Thankpeople.

4.Treatpeopleas“special.”

No.4isworthalittleadditionalcomment.Oneofthemostdeflating,depreciatingthingsintheworldtoahumanbeingistobegiven“theroutinetreatment.”Weallwanttobetreated“special,”asanindividual—recognizedforourownuniqueworth.IfMaryfindsoutthatJohn“tellsthattoallthegirls,”shefeelsthatJohnhasdepreciatedher.Shewouldmuchpreferthathisthemesongbe“foryoualone.”

Dr.PierceP.Brookstellsmethatheoncesentoutformletterstoprospectsinconnectionwithanewsubdivisionhewasopeningup.Theletterbegan“Dearfriend,”andtheresponsewasalmostzero.Bychangingthosetwowords,andtypingintheaddressee’sownname,i.e.,“DearMr.Smith,”thereturnonthemailingwasverysuccessful.

Don’ttalkstation-to-station,butperson-to-personPeopledon’tliketobeclassifiedandpigeon-holedintobroadgeneralcategoriessuchas“customers,”“people,”“children,”“marriedcouples.”Theywanttobeacknowledgedasoneparticularandunique“customer”orperson.

Theskepticwhosays,“Allcustomersarejustalike”isheadeddowntheroadtobankruptcywhetherheknowsitornot.Thewomanwhosays“Allmenarejustalike”isapttoliveouttherestofherdaysinspinsterhood.Itiseasytofallintothehabitoftreatingpeopleas“customers,”butitdoesn’tpay.Remember,whateveryou’redoing—youneverdealwith“customers”intheabstract.Youarealwaysdealingwithoneindividualperson.Youneverlearntogetalongwith“people.”Youlearntogetalongwiththispersonandthatperson.Thereisnosuchanimalas“people.”Theworldispopulatedwithindividualpersons.Peopleisjustanabstractterm.

Weliketobesingledout,notconsideredoneofthemob

Weliketogotothoserestaurantswherewearegivenindividualtreatment.Itdoesn’thavetobemuch.Perhapstheheadwaiteronlycallsyoubyname,andsays,“Mr.Jones,you’llbehappytoknowwehaveshish-kebabtonight.”

“Wedon’tusuallydothis,butinyourcaseI’mgoingtomakeanexception,”someonesaystous.Weglowallover.

“Mrs.Smith,Iampersonallygoingtotakecareofthismatterandseethatyougetwhatyouwant.”

“Justanybodycouldn’twearthisdress,butyoucangetawaywithit.”Evenchildrenrespondtothismagic.Theydon’tliketobetreatedas

“children,”butasJimmyJones,individual.Don’tcomparehimwiththekiddownthestreet.Thisonlydepreciateshim.Manyaman,whenintroducinghisfamily,willsingleouthiswifeasanindividualperson—“ThisisMrs.Jones”—anddismisswithawaveofthehandhisthreechildren—“andthesearethechildren.”Whydepersonalizethem?Whynotintroducethemthesameasyouwouldanyotherindividualperson?

Bythesametoken,whenyou’reintroducedtoateen-ager,acknowledgetheintroductionthesameasifyouwerebeingintroducedtothepresidentofabank.Insteadofjustwavingyourhandandsaying,“Hi,”whynotshakehandsandsay,“Hello,Dick,I’mveryhappytomeetyou”?

TakealessonfromMotherNatureTakealessonfromtheflowers.Theyknowhowtoattractbees.Theywantthebeetopollinatethem.Theyneedthebee.Butinsteadofpleadingorscoldingorcoercing,theflowerjustputsoutafewdropsofnectar.Theflowerknowsthatthebeeishungryfornectar.Itprovidesfoodtofeedthathunger.

Ifyouwillanalyzethepersonwiththeattractivepersonality,youwillfindthathe,too,offersfoodtofeedthesebasichungersofhumanbeings.

Thereisanoldsaying,ineffect,that“honeyattractsmorefliesthanvinegar.”Itisofteninterpretedtomeanthatyoushould“sweet-talk”yourwaytowhatyouwant.Acloserlook,however,willshowthathoneyattractsflies,simplybecausehoneyisfoodthattheflywantsandneeds.Putoutabowlofhoneyandyoudon’thavetogoupanddownthestreetwithasoundtrucktellingthefliesaboutit.Youdon’thavetoorganizecommitteestoconvincethefliestheyshouldcome.They’llbethere.

Andwhenyoubegintoputoutthesethreebasicfoods,youcancountonpeopletoflocktoyouindroves.

AQUICKRUNDOWNONCHAPTER61.Therealsecretofanattractivepersonalityistoofferotherpeoplethefoodtheyarehungryfor.Peopleareashungryforcertainthingsasfliesareforhoney.

2.UsetheTriple-AFormulaforattractingpeople:

Acceptance.Acceptpeopleastheyare.Allowthemtobethemselves.Don’tinsistonanyonebeingperfectbeforeyoucanlikehim.Don’tfashionamoralstraitjacketandexpectotherstowearitinordertogainyouracceptance.Abovealldon’tbargainforacceptance.Don’tsay,insubstance,“I’llacceptyouifyou’lldothisorthat,orchangeyourwaystosuitme.”

Approval.Lookforsomethingtoapproveintheotherperson.Itmaybesomethingsmallorinsignificant.Butlettheotherpersonknowyouapproveofthat,andthenumberofthingsyoucansincerelyapproveofwillbegintogrow.Whentheotherpersongetsatasteofyourgenuineapproval,hewillbegintochangehisbehaviorsothathewillbeapprovedforotherthings.

Appreciation.Toappreciatemeanstoraiseinvalue,asopposedtodepreciate,whichmeanstolowerinvalue.Letotherpeopleknowthatyouvaluethem.Treatotherpeopleasiftheywerevaluabletoyou.Don’tkeepthemwaiting.Thankthem.Givethem“special,”individualtreatment.

7HOWTOMAKETHEOTHERFELLOW

FEELFRIENDLY—INSTANTLY

Haveyoueverknownoneofthosefellowswho“nevermetastranger”?Heseemstomakefriendsinstantly.Hesitsdownnexttosomeoneonabusandrightawaytheyaretalkingawayasiftheywereoldfriends.Hecallsuponaprospect,andtheprospectstartsrightoffdealingwithhimasiftheyhadbeenoldfriendsalltheirlives.

Ontheotherhandwehaveallknownpeoplewhoare“nice”—onceyougettoknowthem—butarehardtogettoknow.Thefirstclassseemtohavesomemagic—almostasiftheycan“turnon”afriendlyfeelingintheotherfellow,whilethesecond,“hard-to-get-to-know”typearehandicappedingettingalongintheworld.Whiletheyare“warmingup”totheotherfellow—some“easy-to-know”fellowhasalreadytakenthebusinessandgone.

HowtousethemagicswitchthatturnsonfriendlyfeelingsIlearnedaboutthese“easy-to-know”typeswhenIwasincollege.Iwasalittleontheshysideasfarasgirlswereconcerned.IfIsawagood-lookinggirl,Iwouldwanttoaskherforadate,butinsteadwouldtellmyself,“Shewouldn’tlikeitifIjustwentupandaskedherforadate.ShewouldprobablythinkIwasbeingtoofresh.Sheprobablyhasadateanyway—probablygoingsteadywiththebest-lookingboyinschoolandwouldn’tevenconsidergoingoutwithme.”

SoI’dsitbackandthinkaboutwaysthatIcouldgetintroducedtoher,andwhatIwasgoingtosaytoher.Sometimes,I’dgetupenoughnervetostartaconversationwithagirlIdidn’tknow,andI’dwalkuptoherandmumbleoutmylittlepreparedspeech,andninetimesoutoftenthegirlwouldreactjustasIhadpicturedinmyimaginationthatshewouldreact.She’deitherputonashowofindignationandsay,“Idon’tbelieveIknowyou,”orshewouldappeartobe

amusedbymyawkwardmanner.Nowwithmyroommateallthiswasdifferent.Hewasoneofthose“easy-to-

know”types.He’dwalkuptoagirlhe’dneverseenbeforeinhislife,startaconversation,andintwominutesthey’dbelaughingandtalkinglikeoldfriends.Nooneevercalledhim“fresh.”Theyactuallyseemedtolikehisboldapproach.

HowIlearnedmyroommate’ssecretFinally,onedayIgothimtotellmehissecret.“You’vegottobelievetheotherfellowisgoingtolikeyou,”hesaid.Well,withthatclue,Igottowatchingmyroommatemoreclosely.Hewasaspopularwiththeboysonthecampusashewaswiththegirls.Everyoneseemedtolikehim.Heevenworkedhismagicontheprofessors.HecouldgetbywiththingsinclassthatIwouldhavebeenthrownoutfor.Yet,theprofessorswouldjustlaugh,andseemedtothinkhewasafinefellow.AndasIwatchedhimoperate,Inoticedthathealwaysactedjustasiftheotherfellow’sfriendlyresponsewasaforegoneconclusion.Becausehebelievedotherpeoplewouldlikehim,heactedasiftheywouldlikehim.Inshort,

HeAssumedtheAttitudeHeExpectedtheOtherPersontoTake.

AnotherthingInoticedwasthis:becausehewasthoroughlyconvincedthattheotherpersonwouldbefriendly,hewasnotafraidofpeople.Hewasnotonthedefensive.

FearofpeopledrivesthemawayFearisoneofthegreatesthandicapstogettingtoknowpeoplequicklyandgettingoffonafriendlyfooting.Youareafraidthattheotherfellowwillnotlikeyou—soyouholeupinyourshell,likeasnailthatthinksitisabouttobeattacked.Peoplecan’tgetclosetoyoubecauseyou’resofarbackinyourdefensiveshell.Andbecauseourownattitudesarecatching,andhaveaninfluenceontheotherfellow,hebeginstowithdrawalso.

Nothingistruerinthefieldofhumanrelationsthanthis:Ifyourbasicattitudeisthatotherpeoplewillbeunfriendly—orthat“peoplejustdon’tlikeme”—yourexperiencewillproveittobeso.Butifyouhavethebasicattitudethat“Mostpeoplearefriendly,andwanttobefriendlytowardme”—againyourexperiencewillproveitso.

Takeachancehe’sfriendly;theoddsareinyourfavorGetoveryourfearthattheotherpersonwill“snubyou.”Taketherisk.Betonhisbeingfriendly.Youwon’twineverytime,buttheoddsareheavilyinyourfavor.Rememberthatmostpeopledocravefriendship,justasyoudo.Itisauniversalcraving.Thereasontheotherfellowdoesnotalwaysappearfriendlymaybethatheisafraidofyou,afraidthatyouwillrejecthim.

Taketheinitiative.Don’twaitforsometokenoffriendshipfromtheotherfellow.Makethefirstmove.Andchancesareyou’llseehimbegintowarmup.

Don’tbeaneager-beaverWeallknowpeoplewhoareeager-beaverstowintheotherfellow’sapproval.Theyarethefolkswho“trytoohard”tobecharming,whoknockthemselvesouttoarousefriendlyfeelingsintheotherperson.

Mostofusalsoknowthattheeager-beaverisseldom,ifever,popular.Allofusknowgirlswhotrysohardtogetmarriedthattheyscareallthe

menaway.Manyofthesegirlshavelooks,charm,beauty,allthedesirabletraits—andwouldhavenotroubleatalldoingtheverythingtheywantsomuchtodo,iftheyjustdidn’ttrysohard.

Manytimes,thefellowwhowantsacertainjobsobadlythat“itshows”doesn’tgetit.NotlongagoIwashavinglunchwithtwofriendsandtheybroughtupthenameofsomefellowtheybothknew,named“Bill.”

“DidBillevergetthatpromotion?”saidone.“No,thelastreportIhad,hestillhadn’tgottenit,”saidtheother.“Whatintheworldiswrong?Heiscertainlyinlineforit.Hehastheability

andeverythingelsetogetit.”“Idon’tknowwhatthetroubleis,”wastheanswer,“unlessheisjusttoo

anxiousforit.”

Relax—andtakeitforgrantedthatyou’llbelikedInanyhumanrelationssituation,itdoesnotpaytobeoverly-anxious,tolettheotherpersonknowyouarepracticallydroolingtogetwhatyouwant.

Theotherpersonhasastrongnaturaltendencytobalkatanyactionhefeelsyouare“red-hot”forhisdoing.Hisinstinctwillbetodriveaharderbargainorhemaybecomesuspiciousthatthingsarenotastheyseem.Whenyougivetheimpressionthatyouwanttheactionverymuch,whenyoushowanxiety—youalsostarthimwonderingwhyyouaretryingsohard,anddoubtscreepin.

Whenapersoncomesbeggingforfriendship—thetendencyistobackawayfromhim.Thisisduenottosomeperversetraitofhumannature—buttothesamelawofpsychologywehavebeentalkingabout.Theeager-beaverisafraid—deathlyafraid—theotherpersonwillnotlikehim,orwillnotdowhathewants.Insteadofsayingtohimself,“Iknowtheotherfellowisgoingtolikeme,”hesaystohimself,“Iamterriblyafraidhewon’tlikeme.”Thisgetsacrosstotheotherperson.Theeager-beaverisn’tshowinganyfaithinhimself.

Thetrickisnottoknockyourselfouttryingtomaketheotherfellowcomethrough.Justrelax,andknowthathewillbefriendlyandreasonable.Thenyou’llberelaxedandcalmandcollectedindealingwiththeotherfellow.Onethingtheeager-beavercandoissmile.It’salmostimpossibletobeworriedandanxiouswhileyou’resmiling.Asmileisrelaxing.Asmileshowsconfidence.Asmileshowsthatyou“justknow”theotherfellowisgoingtocomethroughasexpected.

WorkMiracleswithaSmileAnotherthingInoticedaboutmycollegeroommate:hewasalwayssmiling.Hewasthesmilin’estfellowIevermet.Ifyouthinkoftheeasy-to-knowpeoplethatyouknow,youwillfindthatwithoutexceptiontheyaregreatsmilers.Theyarecheerfulandlaughalot.Areal,sinceresmileworksalmostlikea“magicswitch”thatturnsonafriendlyfeelingintheotherfellowinstantly.

WhatasmilesaysAgoodsinceresmilesaysseveralthingstotheotherfellow.Itsaysnotonly“Ilikeyou—Icomeasafriend,”butitalsosays“Iassumethatyouaregoingtolikeme.”Whenalittlepuppydogcomesuptoyouwaggingitstail,itissaying,“I’mconfidentyou’reagoodguyandthatyoulikeme.”

Anotherimportantthingasmilesaysis,“Youareworthsmilingat.”Inherbook,UnderstandingFearinOurselvesandOthers,*BonaroOverstreetsays,“Thepersonatwhomwesmile,smilesback.Inonesense,hesmilesatus.Inadeepersense,hissmilereportsthesuddenwell-beingwehaveenabledhimtoexperience.Hesmilesbecauseoursmilehasmadehimfeelsmile-deserving.Wehave,sotospeak,pickedhimoutofthecrowd.Wehavedifferentiatedhimandgivenhimindividualstatus.”

SmilefromwaydowndeepVoiceteachersarealwaystellingtheirpupilsto“breathedeep”andlettheirvoicescomefrom“waydowndeep.”

Ifyouwantyoursmiletobeafriend-maker,it,too,mustcomefromwaydowndeep.Inthiscase,notfromthediaphragm—butfromtheheart.Asmilethatgoesnofurtherthanthelipsisnogood.Remember,itisnotgimmickswhichinfluencetheotherperson,butyourtruefeelingsaboutthem.

ThebestadviceIhaveeverrunacrossonhowtosmileisgivenbyJosephA.Kennedyinhisbooklet,“RelaxandSell.”“Learntosmileontheinside,”hesays.“ItisyourFEELINGthatgetsacrosstothecustomer’ssubconscious—notyourfacialexpression.Consciouslytryingtosmilebymechanicallymanipulatingthemusclesofyourmouthdoesmoreharmthangood.Instead,forgetaboutyourmouthandsmilementally.Imaginethatyoufeel‘smiley’inside.Whenyoudothisyouarerelaxed,foritsisimpossibletofeelfriendlyandbetense,ortofeelhostileandberelaxed.”

Letgoandsmile!Onesimplereasonmanyofusdonotsmilemoreoften—ormoresincerely—isthehabitwehaveofalwaysholdinginourtruefeelings.Wehavebeentaughtthatitisn’tquitenicetoshowtheworldourfeelings.Wetrynottowearourheartsonoursleeves,orshowourfeelingsonourfaces.Maybeyouthinkyouhaven’tgota“goodsmile”andcouldneverlearntosmileattractively.

However,myexperiencehasbeenthateveryoneisblessedwithagoodsmile.Thisissomethingeveryonehasinhim.It’sjustaquestionoflettingitout.Itisjustamatterofgettingoverthefearofshowingyourtruefeelings,lettinggo—andthesmilewillcomeoutbyitself.Forwhenyoufeelfriendly,andfeelgoodabouttheworld,youhaveto“holdin”asmile.

Allthatisrequiredisalittlepracticeinexpressingyourfeelings.You’llfindthatthemoreyoupractice,thelessinhibitedyouare.Ihaveseenfolkswhowereregularoldsourpussesandpoker-facesdevelopanattractivesmile,justbydailypracticeinlettinggo.Whenyoufeelfriendly,just“letyourselfgo.”Don’tbeashamedorself-consciousaboutlettingyourfacesay,“Boy,amIgladtoseeyou!”

Howtousemirror-magicTrypracticingeverymorningbeforeyourbathroommirror.Remember

somethingpleasant—somethingyoureallylikedandgotakickoutof.Then—justletgoandletthisfeelingbreakoutoveryourface.Thinkofallthewonderfulthingsthatcouldhappentoyoutoday—seeyourselfsellingeveryoneyoucallon,dealingsuccessfullywitheverypersonyoumeet.Conjureup“goodfeelings”—thenletthemout.

Thinkthat’sasillythingtodo?Youdon’tbelievethatsuchasimplethingcanmakeanydifferenceinthewaypeoplereacttoyou?FrankBettger,writinginYourLifemagazine,tellshowheusedadailymorningsmile-practicesessionvirtuallytoremakehispersonalitywithinaveryshorttime.Soon,hefoundpeoplewarminguptohimquicker—receivinghimonmorefriendlyterms.Hissalesskyrocketed.

HowtodevelopagenuinesmileIfyouhavetroubleconjuringupa“smiley”feelingatfirst,don’tworryaboutit.Goaheadandgothroughthemotionsanyway.Saytheword“cheese”toyourselfinthemirror.Getyoursmilemuscleswarmedup,andyou’llbegintofeelmoreoptimistic.Ouractionsdetermineourfeelingsjustasmuchasourfeelingsdetermineouractions.WilliamJamesoncesaidthatitisimpossibletofeelpessimisticwhenyouhavethecornersofyourmouthturnedup—andimpossibletofeeloptimisticwhenyouhavethecornersofyourmouthturneddown.

CharlesDarwin,thediscovererofevolution,wrotealittle-knownscientificbook,ExpressionofEmotionsinManandAnimals,inwhichhetracedallthescientificreasonswhywehavecertainbodilyexpressionstogowithcertainemotions.He,too,cametotheconclusionthatemotionandexpressionaresotiedtogetherinourhabitsystemthatyousimplycannotreallyfeelanemotioncompletelyunlessyouexpressit.

Theveryactofsmilinghelpsyoufeelmorefriendly.Mirrorpracticeinsmilinghelpsyoudevelopagood,genuinesmile,becauseitforcesyoutousetherightsmilemusclesandgothroughtheactionsofarealsmile,insteadofaphoneyone.Peoplewhogiveyouaphoney,superficialsmilereallyaren’tsmilingatall.Theyaren’tevenusingtherightsmilemuscles.Andiftheycouldseethemselvesinamirrortheywouldrealizethattheyarenotsmilingatall.Thisisthereasonthatthepeoplewithaphoneysmiledonotgetagenuinefeelingoffriendlinessbygoingthroughthemotionsofsmiling.Theyaregoingthroughthemotionsofaphoneysmile,andtheonlyfeelingtheygetisafeelingofbeingaphoney.

Everyonecanrecognizearealsmilewhenheseesone.Practicebeforeyourmirroruntilyouseearealsmile.Manypeoplehaveneverlearnedwhatareal

smilefeelslike.

YoucantestthepowerofasmileRecentlyIgaveatalktothepersonnelofanoutstandingchainofdairystoresthroughoutOhioandneighboringstates.Mytalkincludedsomehintsonsmilingandwhatmagicitcouldaccomplishwhenrightlyused.

SomeweekslaterIhadoccasiontomeetoneofthesecretariesofthisconcern.Shewasquiteenthusedandanxioustotellmeaboutsomeofherwonderfuldiscoveries.Afterhearingmytalkshedecidedtotestmytheoryonsmiling.Sheselectedashertesttheshoppingtourshewasgoingtomakethenextdayduringherlunchhour.Thenextdayturnedouttobeaveryhumidday,raininghardandgenerallydisagreeableanddepressing.Thestoreswerecrowdednevertheless,andshedespairedofbeingabletobuythefiveitemssheneededbecausetheywereeachindifferentdepartmentsinthreedifferentstores.

Sherememberedmysuggestiontogivetheotherfellowabigsmile,beforesayingaword.Shewasabletocompleteallfivetransactionsinlessthanthe30minutes.Neverbeforehadsheaccomplishedsomuchshoppinginsoshortatime.Shewasreallythrilledbecauseshehadreceivedthebestserviceandhadgottenthefinesttreatmentatallstores.Onecounterwassurroundedbyalargegroupofwomen,anxioustobewaitedon.Mostofthemwerescowlingandimpatient.Theyoungladycaughttheeyeofthesalesclerkandgaveherabigsmile,andgotwaitedonfirst!

Useyourmillion-dollarassetIfyou’renotusingyoursmile,you’relikeamanwithamilliondollarsinthebankandnocheckbook.Asmileisthemillion-dollarassetinyourhumanrelationsinventory.Fromlongexperienceindealingwithpeople,andinteachingpeoplehowtodeveloptheirsmilesinmyHumanRelationsandSalesClinics,I’vecometotheconclusionthateveryonehasamillion-dollarsmilelockedupinsidehim.

Whatelsehasthemagicofasmile?Whatelsecanperformthemagicofasmile?

Paysomeoneacompliment—andsmile—anditmultipliesthecomplimentmanytimes.

Asksomeoneafavor—andsmile—andhefeelsalmostcompelledtograntit.Acceptafavorfromsomeoneelse—andsmile—andyouaddtothe

appreciationtheotherfellowfeels.Evenwhenyouhavetousesomewhat“plaintalk”—asmiletakesthesting

out.“Smilewhenyousaythat,”wesaytoafriend—andifhesmiles,almostanythinghesaysisallright.

Meetsomeoneforthefirsttime—andsmile—andhefeelslikehe’sknownyouallhislife.

Youcouldn’tbuyamagicelixirlikethatifyouhadallthemoneyintheworld.YettheGoodLordgaveyoujustsuchmagic.Allyouhavetodoisbringitoutofhiding,dustitoff,andputittouse.

CHAPTER7INSUMMARY1.Humanrelationsoftenbecomedeadlockedbecauseeachpartyisafraidtomakethefirstmove.

2.Don’twaitforasignfromtheotherfellow.Assumethatheisgoingtobefriendly,andactaccordingly.

3.Assumetheattitudethatyouwishtheotherpersontotake.Actasifyouexpectedhimtolikeyou.

4.Takeachancethattheotherfellowwillbefriendly.Itisalwaysagamble,butyou’llwin99timesforeverytimeyoulose,ifyou’lljustbetonhisbeingfriendly.Refusetotakethechance,andyou’llloseeverytime.

5.Don’tbeaneager-beaver.Don’tbeoverlyanxious.Don’tknockyourselfouttryingtomaketheotherfellowlikeyou.Remember,thereissuchathingasbeingtoocharmingandtryingtoohard.

6.Justrelaxandtakeforgrantedthatotherpeopledolikeyou.

7.Usethemagicofyoursmiletowarmuptheotherfellow.

8.Startingtoday,begintodevelopagenuinesmilebypracticingbeforeyourbathroommirror.Youknowwhatarealsmilelookslikewhenyouseeone.Yourmirrorwilltellyouwhetheryoursmileisrealorphoney.Also,goingthroughthemotionsofsmilingwillgetyouinthehabit,andactuallymakeyoufeelmorelikesmiling.

*NewYork:Harper&Brothers,1951.

PARTFOUR

HOWEFFECTIVESPEAKING

TECHNIQUESCANHELPYOU

SUCCEED

8.HowYouCanDevelopSkillinUsingWords

9.HowtoUsetheTechniqueThataSupremeCourtJusticeCalled“WhiteMagic”

10.HowtoGetOtherstoSeeThingsYourWay…Quickly!

8HOWYOUCANDEVELOPSKILLIN

USINGWORDS

Iftalkingtoothersisoneofyourweakpointsinhumanrelations,IstronglyurgeyoutoreadHarrySimmons’interestingandhelpfulbook,HowtoTalkYourWaytoSuccess.*

Aftermorethan25yearsinbusinessmanagementandhumanrelationswork,Mr.Simmonssaysthathehasfoundthatsuccessoftendependsasmuchuponyourabilityorinabilitytotalkasuponyourabilitytodoyourjob.

WhenIfirstheardthetitleofSimmons’book,itseemedtomesomewhatofanexaggeration.ButthenIgottothinkingaboutthesuccessfulmenandwomenIknow.AsIwentondownthelist,itturnedoutthateverysingleonewasagoodtalker.

TheonethingsuccessfulpeoplehaveincommonWilfredFunk,editorialdirectorofYourLifemagazine,madeastudyofthousandsofsuccessfulmenandwomen,lookingforsomeonecommondenominator.Hefoundthattheonethingthatallthesepeoplehadincommonwasskillinusingwords.Hefoundearningpowerandwordskillsocloselytiedtogetherthatyoucansafelyexpecttoincreaseyourearningssimplybyincreasingyourwordpower.

HappinessdependsontalkOurhappiness,too,dependstoagreatextentuponourabilitytoexpressourideas,desires,hopes,ambitions,ordisappointmentstootherpeoplebytheuseoftalk.Explorerswhoreturnfromlonelyexpeditionswilltellyouthatwhattheymissmostisthe“smalltalk”withotherhumanbeings.Psychiatristshavefound

thatmanypeopleareunhappybecause,foronereasonoranother,theyareunabletoexpressthemselves,andcarrytheirideasandemotionsaroundbottledupinsidethem.

Howto“strikeup”aconversationManypeoplearehandicappedbecausetheydonotknowhowtostartaconversation,especiallywithastranger.Theyhaveawealthofinterestingideasontap,iftheyonlyknewhowtoturnthemon.Buttheyholdbackbecauseitwouldseeminanetostartoffabruptlywithsomeprofoundobservationonthenatureofmanortheuniverse,andtheyareafraidtheywillbethoughtdullorobviousiftheycomeoutwithsomethingastriteas,“Well,itlooksasifitmightrain.”

WilliamJameshitthenailontheheadwhenhesaidthatthereasonsomanypeoplefinditdifficulttobegoodconversationalistsisthattheyare“afraidofeithersayingsomethingtootrivialandobvious,orsomethinginsincere,orsomethingunworthyofone’sinterlocutor,orinsomewayorothernotadequatetotheoccasion.”

Hisremedywag,“Conversationdoesflourishandsocietyisrefreshing…wheneverpeopletakethebrakesofftheirhearts,andlettheirtongueswagasautomaticallyandirresponsiblyastheywill.”

Stoptryingtobeperfect.JohnD.Murphy,writinginYourLifemagazineinanarticlecalled,“StopTryingtoBePerfect,”said:

“Noonecanscintillateeveryminute.Wedonotsqueezebonmotsandliterarygemsoutofthebrainbytakingthought.Theycomeoutunexpectedlyandspontaneously,whenwerelaxandstopbeingafraidtobeourselves….Ruskinoncesaidthathewrotewellonlywhenhewasnottryingtowritewell.HenryJamestheElderoncewroteafriend,‘Peopleoftenaskme“whatdoyouthink?”HowdoIknowwhatIthinkuntilIopenmymouthandspeakit?’

“Mostofushaveanentirelyfalsementalpictureofwhatisexpectedofus.Shakespearewasnotafraidtobetrite.Chooseanyclassic…andyouwilldiscoverlongpassagesofoutrightdullness….

“LaskweekImadesomenotesofconversationalanswersgivenbythreeofthemostpopularemceesontelevision.Hereareafewactualsamples:‘No,really?’‘Youdon’tsay.’‘Well,now!Thatissomething.’‘Well,whatdoyouknowaboutthat.’

“Ineventhemoststimulatingconversationsfully50percentofwhatissaidisnotonlytritebutabsolutelymeaningless…atleastintheearlystages.Aftera‘warm-up’periodwhenthementalwheelsareturningeasily,theentire

conversationcanbecomeoriginal—providedtheparticipantsarenottoomuchconcernedwithmakingitso.Itissomewhatlikeminingforgold.Noprospectorinhisrightmindwouldrejectore—orfeelashamedofit—thatdidnotassay24-caratgold.Unlessyouarewillingtotakealotofworthlessrockandearth,alongwithasmallamountofgoldatthebeginning,youwillneverdigdownwheretheveinisricher.”

Smalltalkisn’tsupposedtobebrilliant.Everyoneistrite.Everyoneengagesin“smalltalk”thatdoesn’tsayanythingcleverorsignificant.Thissortofsmalltalkisnecessarytogetthewheelsturning.Onceyourealizethis,andstopbeingafraidofbeingdull,youwillfindthatyoutoocanstartaconversation,evenwithaperfectstranger,andyoumaybesurprisedtofindthatinmanycases,youaresayingcleverandinterestingthings—onlybecauseyouaren’ttryingto.

Howtowarmuptoyoursubject.Bewillingtogothrougha“warm-up”periodinstartingconversation.Don’texpecttobe“hot”attheverybeginning.Listentotheexpertsontelevision.Theyknowthatsmalltalknotonlycanstartaconversationforthem,butthatitcanbeusedtowarmupandunlimbertheotherperson.Theydon’ttrytodrawoutanyinterestingideasfromtheotherpersonuntiltheyhavehimwarmedup:“Well,andwhatisyourname?Whereareyoufrom?Whatdoesyourhusbanddo?Howmanychildrenhaveyou?Howlongareyougoingtobehere?WhatbringsyoutoNewYork?”

Whocares?youmayask.Certainlythereisnothingbrilliantorcleverinthesequestions.Yettheydogettheconversationrolling,andtheytendtodrawouttheotherperson.

Howtobringoutinterestingtalkfromothers.Listentotheanswerstheseexpertsgive.WhentheguestsayssheisfromSiouxCity,hesays,“FromSiouxCity!”Whenshesayssheismarriedandhasfivechildren,hesays,“Fivechildren!Well,whatdoyouknow.”

Thesemenarenotdullordumb.Buttheygooninthisvein,givingperfectlyinaneandtriteanswersandcommentswhileboththeyandtheotherpersonwarmuptoeachother.Soontheyarebringingoutinterestingfacts,cleverremarks,funnyincidents.

Now,iftheseexperts,whoarepaidthousandsofdollarsaweekbecauseoftheirabilityasconversationalists,cannotstartrightinwithabang,whatmakesyouthinkyoucan?Iftheyarenotafraidtobetriteandobvious,whyshouldyoube?

Gethimtalkingabouthimself.Thenexttimeyouareintroducedtosomeoneand“cannotthinkofathingtosay,”takealessonfromtheseTVandradioexperts.Trywarminguptheotherfellowwithsuchquestionsasthese:

“Whereareyoufrom,Mr.Jones?”

“Howlongdoyouplanonbeinginourcity?”“Whatdoyouthinkofourweather?”“Doyouhaveafamily?”“Whatbusinessareyouin?”Therearesurefirewarmer-uppersbecausetheygettheotherfellowtalking

abouthimself.Theybreaktheiceandthawouttheotherfellow,becausetheyshowthatyouareinterestedinhim.Youdonothavetolookforatopichecantalkabout.Youstarthimrightoffontheonetopicthatheisanexperton—himself.

Thewordsstrikeupaconversationaresignificant.You“strikeup”aconversationjustasyou“strikeup”abonfire.Youdonotexpecttostartrightoffwitharagingfire.Youstrikeonlyonelittlematch,tobeginwith.Thefactthatwespeakof“breakingtheice,”“thawingout”theotherfellow,andsoon,showsthatwealreadysubconsciouslyrecognizethefactthatgoodconversationsrequirea“warm-up”period.

Howtobreaktheicewithstrangers.You’llfindyoucanusethissamemethodtostartconversationswithstrangersonplanes,busses,andtrains.You’llmakeyourtripmorepleasantandmayverywellmeetsomeonewho’llturnintoapermanentfriend.Don’ttrytothinkupsomethingprofoundorclevertosay.Justmakesomeobservation,orasksomequestion.Commentonwhatishappeningaroundyou.

“Well,itlookslikeweareabouttogetunderwayatlast.”“Boy,it’shotinhere;wishthosepeopleupfrontwouldopenthewindows.”Anothergoodmethodistoaskquestions.Askinghimforinformationnot

onlywarmstheotherfellowupandgiveshimanopening,butmakestheotherfellowfeelgoodbecauseheisinapositiontodoyouasmallfavor.

“Canyoutellmewhattimeitis?”“WhattimedoesthisplanegettoKansasCity?”“DoestheRiversidebuscomebyhere?”Simple?Easy?Sureitis.Thisisthewaythatconversationsgetstarted.The

reasonmostpeoplecannotgetstartedtalkingisthattheytrytoohard,andtrytomakesomethingdifficultoutofit.

U-turnsandgreenlightskeepconversationgoingTheartofbeingagoodconversationalistconsistsnotsomuchinthinkingupalotofcleverthingstosay,orheroicexperiencesyoucanrelate,butinopeninguptheotherfellowandgettinghimtotalk.

Ifyoucanstimulateotherpeopletotalk—youwillacquireareputationasa

goodconversationalist.Moreover,ifyoucangettheotherfellowtalking,andkeephimtalking,nothingwillworkbettertogethimtowarmuptoyou,andbemoreinterestedinandreceptivetoyourideas,whenyouaretalking.

Afriendtoldmerecentlyoftryingseveraltimes,unsuccessfully,togetoutonafishingpierinordertogetagoodviewofboatracesthatwerebeingheldinthebay.Eachtimeacitypolicemanstoppedhim.“Therearetoomanypeopleouttherealready,”thecopwouldsay,“andIcan’tletanyoneelseonthepieruntilsomeofthosepeopleleave.”

“Therewerefourofusinmyparty,”myfriendsaid,“includingawomanwhohadquiteareputationasatalker.WhenIwasturneddownthethirdtime,shesaid,‘letmetry.’Shewentoutandtalkedwiththecopforaboutfiveminutes,thenmotionedforustocomeonoutandheletusgoby.WhenIaskedherwhatintheworldshesaidtohim,shetoldme,‘Oh,Ididn’taskhimifwecouldgooutonthepier—Ijustgottotalkingtohim.Iaskedhimwhetherhedidn’tgetterriblyhothavingtostandoutthereinthesun,andsaidthathemusthavequiteatryingjobpolicingsuchamobofpeople.Hetoldmeabouthowhelikedtofishandsoforth,andthenIjustsaidthatweweredownhereandespeciallywantedtoseetheraces,butwereverydisappointedbecausewecouldn’tseeanythingbackthereontheseawall.Thenhespokeupandsaid,“Whydon’tyougoonoutonthepier,youcanseegoodfromthere.””

Youisamagicword.Thisstoryillustratesverywelloneofthesecretsofmakingconversationserveyou.Itcanbeexpressedthus:“GiveyourconversationaU-turn,andtheotherfellowwillgiveyouaGreenLight.”

Makinga“U-turn”maynotbethethingtodointraffic,butinconversationitisamust.Youisamagicwordifyouuseitcorrectly.MostofustendtoturntheconversationaroundtoIandMe.Whenwedothistheotherpersonisapttogiveusaredlight.Thisiswhathappenedtomyfriendwhotriedtogetpastthecoponthepier.Hejustwalkedoutandtalkedabout“I”and“me.”“Iwouldliketogooutonthepier.”“Willyouletmegetoutthere?”

Thecopgavehimaredlightandstoppedhiminhistracks.Itisdoubtfulthatthecopevenheardeverythinghesaid;heprobablyturnedonaredlightinhismindandshuthimout.

Ontheotherhand,whentheladywentoutandbegantotalkaboutthepoliceman—emphasizing“you”intheconversation—shegothimwarmedupandfriendly,andhenotonlygaveheragreenlight,butactuallyinvitedhertogoonoutonthepier.

Rememberwhathasbeensaidinearlierchaptersinthisbookabouthumanbeingsbeinginterestedfirst,last,andalwaysinthemselves.Applythisknowledge,byrealizingthat“U”isago-aheadsignalinconversation,while“I”

isastopsign.Howtoaskquestionstointerestothers.Keeptheconversationsteeredtothe

otherfellow’sinterestbyaskingquestions:Why?Where?How?Whenhesays,“I’vegotalittle25-acreplacebackhomeinIndiana,”don’t

rushinandsay,“Well,Iown500acresinTexasandhave50oilwellsonit.”Instead,say,“WhereaboutsinIndiana?Whatdoyouhavethere?”

Ifhesayshehasafishingboat,don’tsay,“Letmetellyouaboutmyprivateplane.”Instead,ask,“Howlongisit?Isitinboardoroutboard.Howlonghaveyouhadit?”

“Whydidyoudothat?”“Howdidyoumanagethat?”“Whatdidyousaythen?”These,andsimilarquestions,willgetyouareputationasoneofthemost

interestingtalkersthatyourcompanionhasevermet.

AdeadlysininhumanrelationsandhowtoavoiditRemember,humanbeingsareinnatelyselfishbeings.Theyarefirst,lastandalwaysinterestedinthemselves,intheirjob,theirfamily,theirhometown,theirideas.Evenaquestionlike,“Whereareyoufrom?”showsthatyouareinterestedintheotherperson,andconsequentlygetshiminterestedinyou.

Don’tbeliketheyoungplaywrightwho,aftertalkingabouthimselfandhisplaysfortwohours,saidtohisgirlfriend,“Butthat’senoughoftalkingaboutme.Let’stalkaboutyou.Whatdoyouthinkofmyplays?”

Remember,youareahumanbeing,too.Anditisnaturalforyoutobetemptedtostartrightintalkingaboutyourself.Youwanttoshine,youwanttoimpresstheotherfellow.Butthetruthofthematteristhatyouwillratemuchhigherintheotherperson’sestimationifyouturntheconversationtohimthanifyouturnittoyourself.Hewillhaveamuchhigheropinionofyou—andwillconsideryouamuchmoreintelligentperson.

Onegoodruletofollowisjusttoaskyourselfmentallythisquestion:“WhatdoIreallywantinthissituation?”Doyouwanttoshineandswellyourownego—ordoyouwanttheotherperson’sbusiness,hisnameonadottedline,hispermissiontodosomething,hisgoodwill?Ifallyouwantistoinflateyourownego,goaheadandtalkexclusivelyaboutyourselfbutdon’texpecttogetanythingelseoutoftheconversation.

Whentotalkaboutyourself

Publicspeakerstalkaboutthemselves.Theytellabouttheirexperiences,theirtravels,theirexploits,theirideas.Butrememberonething:thesemenareinvitedtotalkaboutthemselves.Theyareaskedtotalkaboutthemselves,andtheaudienceknowswhatitisinfor.Theydonothaveacaptiveaudience,butavoluntaryone.ThefolkswhoattendknowinadvancethattheyaregoingtohearJoeHairychestspeakon“MyAdventuresintheWildsofAfrica.”

Unlessyouhavehiredahall,andadvertisedinadvance,yourlistenershavenowayofknowingthatwhentheytalktoyoutheyaregoingtobeheldcaptiveandforcedtolistentoyourexploits.

Thetimetotalkaboutyourselfiswhenyouareinvitedandaskedtotellaboutyourself.Youcancountonitthatiftheotherpersonisinterested,hewillaskyou.Whenhedoesofferyouaninvitationtotalkaboutyourself,don’tclamupandbrushhimoff.Tellhimalittleaboutyourself.He’llbeflatteredthatyouareonfriendlyenoughtermswithhimtolethimknowalittleaboutyourself.Butdon’toverdoit.Answerhisquestions—thenturnthespotlightbackonhim.

Usethe“me-too”technique.Anothertimewhenitispsychologicallyrighttobringyourselfintotheconversationiswhenyoucantelltheotherpersonsomethingaboutyourselfthatwilltieintosomethinghehassaid,orformabondbetweenyou.

Ifhesays,“Iwasraisedonafarm”andyousay,“SowasI,”andtellalittleaboutyourfarmexperiences,itmakeshimfeelmoreimportant.

Ifhementionsthatheeatsicecreamforbreakfast,andithappensthatyoudotoo—byallmeanstellhim.IfhesayshewasborninthelittletownofSwampwater,andithappensthatyouusedtospendallyoursummervacationsthere—tellhimaboutit.

ThemagicofagreementThereasonthatbringingyourselfintotheconversationinawaythatformsacommonbondbetweenyouisflatteringtotheotherpersonisthis:Bysodoing,youareineffectsaying,“Iagreewithyou.”“Iamthatway,too.”“Ilikethat,too.”“Ibelievethatwaymyself.”“Iamsomewhatlikeyou.”Anythingaboutyouoryourpastexperiencethatshowsyouareliketheotherpersonwillhelphimtolikeyouautomatically.

Welikepeoplewhoagreewithus.Andwedislikepeoplewhodisagreewithus.Everypersonwhoagreeswithusconfirmsourownworthandourownself-esteem.Everypersonwhodisagreeswithusisapotentialthreattoourself-esteem.Inshort,whenyouagreewiththeotherperson,youhelphimtolikehimselfbetter.

Eveniftherearepointsonwhichyouknowyoumustdisagreewiththeotherperson—alwaysseekoutsomepointsonwhichyoucanagree.Whenyouhaveestablishedsomeground,howeversmall,onwhichyoucanagree,youwillfinditmucheasiertogettogetheronthoseissuesonwhichyoudisagree.

Use“HappyTalk”Anothersecretofbeingagoodconversationalist,andmakingpeoplewanttotalktoyou,istotakeatipfromthesongfromSouthPacificanduse“HappyTalk”asmuchaspossible.

NobodylikesaGloomyGus.Nobodylikestositandlistentoaprophetofdoom.Peopledon’tliketohearbadnews.

Thepersonwhofallsintothehabitofalwaystalkingpessimistically,ofpointingoutthattheworldisgoingtothedogs,orofrelatingallhispersonaltroubles,isn’tgoingtowinanypopularitycontests.

Ifyouhavepersonaltroublesthatyouneedtotalkoverwithsomeone,gotoyourpastor,yourpsychologist,ortosometrustedandsympatheticfriend.Butdon’tairyourtroublesinpublic.Don’tgoonendlesslyaboutyouroperation,anddescribeeverytwingeyouhadfromthetimeyouenteredthehospitaluntilyouwentbacktowork.Tellingabouthowmuchyousufferedwon’tmakeyouahero.Itwillonlymakeyouabore.

SitrightdownandwriteyourselfaletterIfyouhavesomethingonyourchest,andyoufeelasifyoumusttellsomeoneallaboutyourtroublesorhowunjustlyyouhavebeentreated,trythis:

Writeyourselfaletter.Putdownexactlyhowyoufeel.Don’tholdbackanything.Gointogreatdetailabouthowotherpeoplehavewrongedyouandhowunfairitis.Reallymakeabigdealoutofit.

Then,whenyou’reallthrough,don’tmailthelettertoanyone.Burnit.Ithasserveditspurposeingivingyouanoutlet,andyou’llfindthatyouexperienceagreatfeelingofrelief.Moreimportantforyourhumanrelations,itwilldrainoffyouremotions,andyou’llnolongerfeelcompelledtotellsomeoneaboutthem.Sometimes,it’snecessarytowritethewholethingdowntwice,ormaybethreetimes.Butafterthat,you’llfindthatyoudon’tevenwanttothinkaboutitanymore,muchlesstelleveryoneyoumeet.

Whatyourbestfriendwon’ttellyouIfyouwanttobepopularthroughyourconversation,trytoovercomethetemptationtokid,totease,ortobesarcastic.

Mostofuskidotherpeoplebecausewethinktheywilllikeit.Husbandsteasetheirwivesinpublicoutofthemistakennotionthatitisacutewaytoshowaffection.Wemakesarcasticremarks,hopingthattheotherfellowwillrecognizeourcleverness,seethehumorinthesarcasm,andnottakepersonaloffense.

However,teasingandkiddingarebothaimedattheself-esteemoftheotherperson.Andanythingthatthreatensself-esteemisdangerousbusiness,evenwhenit’sdoneinfun.Sarcasmalwayshasacruelelementaboutit,andisalwayscalculatedtomaketheotherpersonfeelsmall.

Researchpollshaveshownthatpeopledonotliketobekidded,evenbytheirclosefriends.However,wedonotlikeourfriendstoknowwedislikekidding,forfeartheywillthinkusapoorsport.Soevenyourbestfriendwon’ttellyouthathedoesn’tlikeit.

Onlyinveryrareinstances,andbetweenveryclosefriends,iskiddingevertakeningoodgrace,andthenonlyifitisonsomeminormatter,andnotpursuedtoolong.Iftheotherpersonhasknownyoulongenough,likesyouwellenough,andyoudonotoverdoit,youmaygetbywithkidding.Buttheoddsaresogreatagainstitthatitismuchsafernottotry.

ASHORTREFRESHERONCHAPTER81.Bothsuccessandhappinessdependinlargemeasureonourabilitytoexpressourselves.Therefore,starttodaytostudywaystoimproveyourtalk.Keepatitdayafterday.

2.Practicestartingconversationswithstrangersbyusingthewarm-uptechniqueofaskingsimplequestions,ormakingobviousobservations.

3.Tobeagoodconversationalist,stoptryingtobeperfect,anddon’tbeafraidtobetrite.Nuggetsandgemsinconversationcomeonlyafteryouhavedugalotoflow-gradeore.

4.Askquestionstobringoutinterestingtalkfromothers.

5.Encouragetheotherpersontotalkabouthimself.Talkabouttheotherperson’sinterests.

6.Usethe“me-too”techniquetoidentifyyourselfwiththespeakerandhisinterests.

7.Talkaboutyourselfonlywhenyouareinvitedtodosobytheotherperson.Ifhewantstoknowaboutyou,he’llask.

8.Use“HappyTalk.”Remember,nobodylikesaGloomyGusoraprophetofdoom.Keepyourtroublestoyourself.

9.Eliminatekidding,teasing,andsarcasmfromyourconversation.

*EnglewoodCliffs,N.J.:Prentice-Hall,Inc.,1954

9HOWTOUSETHETECHNIQUETHATASUPREMECOURTJUSTICECALLED

“WHITEMAGIC”

Whenawould-bepoliticianaskedJusticeOliverWendellHolmesforadviceonhowtogetelectedtooffice,JusticeHolmeswrotehim:

Tobeabletolistentoothersinasympatheticandunderstandingmannerisperhapsthemosteffectivemechanismintheworldforgettingalongwithpeopleandtyinguptheirfriendshipforgood.Toofewpeoplepracticethe“whitemagic”ofbeinggoodlisteners.

Inaway,eachofusis“runningforoffice”everydayofourlives.Thepeoplewemeetandtalkwithareconstantlysizingusup,analyzingus,appraisingus.Intheirownmindsthey“vote”eitherforusoragainstus.Theygiveusavoteofconfidenceoravoteofdistrust.Theydecideinfavorofdoingbusinesswithus,ornot,asthecasemaybe.Moretimesthanyourealize,theonedecidingfactoris—“Howwelldidyoulisten?”

Youmeetacertainperson,andafterleavinghimyoufeelthateverythingdidnotgojustasyouwouldhaveliked.Youhaveasneakingsuspicionthathevotedagainstyou.“WhatdidIsaythatturnedhimagainstme?”youaskyourself.Or,“WhatelsecouldIhavesaidthatwouldhavemadehimmorefriendly,moreamenabletomyideas?”

Surprisinglyenough,theanswermayverywellbe“Nothing.”Youflopped,notbecauseofanythingyousaid,orfailedtosay,butbecause

youfailedtolistenproperly.

Listeningmakesyou“clever”

Mostofuswanttheotherfellowtothinkweareclever,intelligent,“smart.”Butthepersonwhogoesaroundalwaysmaking“smartremarks,”always

knockinghimselfouttobe“clever,”isnotvotedinbytheotherfellowasa“cleverperson.”Insteadhegetselectedtotheclassificationof“smart-aleck,”“blow-hard,”or“egotist.”

Thereisonesureway,however,toconvincetheotherfellowthatyouareoneofthewisest,mostintelligentpersonshehasevermet.Listen,andpayattentiontowhathehastosay.Thefactthatyouattachenoughimportancetowhatheissaying—thatyoulistenattentively,soasnottomissasingleword—provestohimthatyouareaverysmartperson.Adopewouldn’thavesenseenoughtorealizehowvaluableandimportanttheotherperson’swordsare,andconsequentlywouldn’tneedtopaycloseattention.

WaltWhitmanandafriendwereoncewalkingdownthestreet,whenWhitmanstoppedandengagedastrangerinconversation.For15or20minutes,Whitmanmonopolizedtheconversation,andtheotherfellowhardlyopenedhismouth.Whentheyleft,Whitmanturnedtohisfriendandsaid,“Therewasanintelligentman.”

“Howdoyouknowhe’sintelligent?”askedhisfriendinsurprise,“Hehardlysaidaword.”

“Helistenedtome,didn’the?”askedWhitman.“Thatprovesheisanintelligentman.”

Stoptothinkforamomentofyourfriendsandacquaintances.Whohasthereputationforbeingintelligentandwise?Howdoyouyourselfvoteonthis?Doyouvoteforthefellowwhoisalwaysshootingoffhismouth?Isitthefellowwhoisalwaysreadywithananswertoeverything,evenbeforeheknowswhatthequestionis?Isitthefellowwhointerruptstogivehisanswerbeforetheotherfellowgetsthroughtalking.Orisitthefellowwhodoesalotoflistening?

Afriendofmineexpressesitthisway:“TheLordgaveustwoearsandonlyonemouth.EvidentlyHeintendedustodotwiceasmuchlisteningastalking.”

Peoplewilltellyouwhattheywantfromyou,ifyou’lllistenOneofthenation’sforemostautomobiledesignerstellsmethatinordertobesuccessfulintheautomobilemanufacturingbusinessyouhavetokeepyourfingeronthepublic’spulseandkeepyourearsopenastowhatthepublicwants.“Wedon’treallydesignourcars,”hesays.“Thepublicdoes.Whatwedoislisten.Andwhenthepublicwantssomething,wehastentotrytosupplyit.”

Youcan’tmakeahitinthedark.Everybodywantstomakea“hit”withtheotherperson.

Youmakeahitinhumanrelationsprettymuchlikeyoumakeahitonabaseballdiamond,byrespondingproperlytotheballthat’sthrownyou.Youmustcontinuallymakeappropriateresponsestowhattheotherfellowthrowsyou.

Goodhumanrelationsconsistsoftwo-waycommunication.It’sgiveandtake,actionandresponse.Ifyoudon’tknowwhattheotherfellowwants,howhereallyfeelsaboutasituation,whathisownpeculiarneedsare,youareoutoftouchwithhim.Andifyoucan’ttouchhim,youcan’tmovehim.Unlessyouknowwhathewants,andhowhefeels,youarecompletelyinthedarkconcerninghisposition.

Youcan’tmakeahitinthegameofhumanrelations,anymorethanyoucouldmakeahitonabasballdiamond,whileyou’reinpitch-blackdarkness.

Howtouseyourownradartolocatetheotherperson’sposition.Whattheotherfellowwantsandhowhefeelsneednotbeamystery.“IfonlyIknewwhathispositionis,I’dknowmorewhattodo,”weoftenthink.Yet,itisnottoodifficulttofindoutwhattheotherperson’spositionis.

AlN.Sears,vicepresidentofRemington-RandandchairmanoftheboardofNationalSalesExecutives,saysthateverysalesmanhashisownbuilt-inradarforlocatingthepositionofprospect.“Allyouhavetodoislisten,”saysAl,“andhe’lltellyou.Mostpeoplewantustoknowwhattheirpositionisandtrytotellus.Thetroubleisthatweshutoffour‘receiver’andstartbroadcasting.”

ToomuchtalkgivesyouawaySometimestherearesituationsindealingwithotherswhereitisimportantthatwenotshowourownhandprematurely,whereweneedtofeelouttheotherfellow.Thestrategyusedinmanybigbusinessdealsistofirstfindoutwhattheotherfellowwants,whathewillsettlefor,beforeshowingyourownhand.Itiswelltorememberthatjustaswecanlocateanotherperson’spositionbylisteningtohimtalk,toomuchtalkonourpartgivesourownpositionaway.

Manysuccessfulbusinessmen,whohaveareputationforbeinggood“horsetraders”andbeingableto“makethebestbargain,”havebeenthoughttobe“psychic,”ormindreaders.

Actually,theirsecretisnothingsomysterious.Theysimplyencouragetheotherpersontotalk—andtokeepontalking—

whiletheymanagetokeeptheirownmouthsshut.TheyknowbyinstinctandexperienceatruthwhichSigmundFreud,thefatherofpsychoanalysis,firststatedscientifically.Ifyoucangettheotherfellowtotalkenough,hesimplycannotdisguisehisrealfeelingsorhisrealmotives.Hemaytryashardashe

wishes,butinvariablyhewill“givehimselfaway.”Freudwrotealengthypaperonunconsciousslipsofthetongue,showinghowtheunconsciousalwaysmanagestomaketherealfeelingsandthoughtsknown,ifyoulistencloselyenoughandremainalerttoalltheimplicationsofwhattheotherfellowsays.

Bythesametoken,ifyoudon’twanttheotherpersontoknowwhat’sreallyonyourmind—ifyoudon’twantto“showyourcards”—keepyourmouthshutandlisten.For,nomatterhowyoumaytrytodisguiseit,theotherpersonwill“findyouout”ifyoujustkeeptalkinglongenough.

Listeninghelpsovercomeself-consciousnessAnotherbitof“whitemagic”thatlisteningcanperformistohelpyouovercomeself-consciousnessandself-centeredness.Althoughpsychologytodayhasthedifferentslantof“self-interest”and“self-esteem,”theoldattitudesofself-centerednessandself-consciousnessareasmuchindisfavorastheyeverwere.Botharedistincthandicaps.Listeningcarefullytoeverythingtheotherpersonsays—payingstrictattentiontohistoneofvoiceandtheinflectionofhiswords—getsyourownfocusofattentionoffyourself.

Andifallyourattentionisontheotherfellow—whatheissaying,whathewants,whathisneedsare—youcan’tbeself-conscious,shutofffromtheotherfellow.Whenyou’reshutofffromhim,youcan’tdealwithhimeffectively.Whenyourfocusisallonyourself,youcannotdealwiththeworldaroundyou.Youarelikeamandrivingdownthehighway,wholooksonlyatthewindshieldofhiscarinsteadofthroughthewindshieldtotheroadaheadofhim.Ittakesnoswamitopredictthatheisheadedforasmash-up.Manyhead-oncollisionsbetweentwopeopleareduetothefactthatoneortheotherhadhisattentiononhisownselfratherthanontheotherfellow.

Astronghealthyselfisnecessaryindealingwithotherpeople,justasastronghealthypairoflegsandfeetarerequiredofadancer.Anygooddancingteacher,however,willtellyouto“getyourattentionoffyourfeet”whiledancing.Letadancerbecomefoot-consciousandthinktoomuchabouthisfeet,lethimbegintowonderwhetherhisfeetarereallygoingtodowhathewantsthemtodo,andheisapttostumble,oratleastappearawkwardandmechanical.Dancingteachersdonottellyouto“cutoffyourfeet”or“amputateyourlegs”justbecausetheyhavediscoveredthatpayingtoomuchattentiontothefeetandlegscanbeahandicap.Infact,theyencouragetheirstudentstostrengthentheirlegsbycertainexercises.Whenadancerknowsthathislegsarestrong,andthathecandependuponthem,heismorelikelytobeabletoforgetthemwhiledancingthanifhesecretlyfearshislegsaretooweaktoseehimthrough.

Inmuchthesameway,modernpsychologistsdonottellusanymoretodeprecatetheself,orovercometheself,oreventodoawaywithallselfishinstincts.Whattheydotellusistogetourattentionoffourselves—tostopbeingself-centeredandselfishinapetty,stupidway.

Mostoftheadviceinthepastonhowtogetoverself-consciousnesshasbeenwrong.Wehavebeenledtobelievethatitisbadtocareanythingabouttheselfandthatweshouldbeashamedtoadmitthatwehaveanyself-regard.Sinceallofusdohaveayearningforself-regard,thiskindofadviceonlymakesusmoreconcernedwithselfthanever—andkeepsourattentiongluedonourselfandourownpettyselfishdesires.Thewaytogetoverself-consciousnessisnottotellyourselfthatit’sbadtowanttothinkhighlyofyourself—butthatitjustdoesn’tworktokeepallyourattentiononyourself.

Agooddancermust“listentothemusic.”Thesecretofdancing,onceyoulearnthebasicsteps,isnotconsciouslytosaytoyourself,“NowImustbesurethatmyrightfootgoesrightoverhere—andthenIwantmyleftfoottotakeoneshortstep.”Ifyoudothis,youcan’tlistentothemusic,andifyoudon’tlistentothemusic,youcan’tkeepintimeorinstep.Agooddancerkeepshisattentionfocusedonthemusictheorchestraisplayingandletshisfeetdotherightthing.

Listentotheotherfellow’smusic.Indealingwithotherpeople,weneedtouseasimilartechnique.Youmust“listentothemusic”theotherfellowisplaying,ifyouwanttorespondtoitinawaythatwillcreateharmonyinsteadofdiscords.Stoplisteningtohismusic,andbegintothinktoyourself,“NowwhatcanIsaythatwilltopthat?”or“HowcanIgetinmytwo-centsworthtoimpressthisfellow?”—andyouget“outofstep”withtheotherfellow.

Ifyou’lljustlistentothemusicandletyourselfrespond,youmaydiscoversomethingverysurprising—thatyourownbrainwillworkbetterbyitselfifyouleaveitalone,justasyoufeetwill.

Youmayfindthatyouarebeingmorespontaneousandnatural,andthereallycleverandappropriatethingsthatjustseemtopopoutofyourmouthmaysurpriseyou.

Don’ttrytoohard.WilliamJamessaidthatthereasonmostconversationisdullisthateachpartyistryingtoohard.Wheneachpartymakesconsciouseffortto“thinkofsomethingimportant”tosay,heisafraidthatwhathehastosaywillnotmerittheapprovaloftheotherfellow.Iftheywouldbutrelax,saidJames,opentheirmouthsandletitcomeout,theirchancesofsayingsomethingreallyappropriatewouldbeincreasedtremendously.

AccordingtoanarticleintheSaturdayEveningPost,thisisthesecretofBenThornton,famousbankerandMayorofDallas,Texas.Thornton,saysthearticle,hastheknackofalwayssayingtherightthingattherighttime.Yet,heseldom

worriesaboutwhatheisgoingtosay,evengoesintoimportantmeetingsseeminglyunprepared.

Thorntondoesn’tmakedetailedword-for-wordspeeches.Hejustprepareshimselfasfullyaspossiblebygatheringalltheinformationandfactshecanaboutthesubjecttobediscussed.Dr.PierceP.Brooks,whoisafriendofThornton,tellsme,“Hehasaworldofinformationontap.Helistenscarefullytowhatothershavetosay.Hefeelsouttheotherfellow.Heisnotsatisfiedtoknowinageneralwaywhattheotherfellowwants—orwhatisonhismind.Hewantstoknowexactly.Afterhehaslistenedtotheotherfellow,heisapttoaskhimtorepeatsomeofhisideasasecondtime.Then,hejustopenshismouth,andtherightthingtofittheoccasionjustseemstocomeoutautomatically.”

HowlisteningcanmakeyourichIthasbeensaidthatlisteningmadeBenThorntonrich.Peopleineverywalkofliferegardhimasanunderstandingman.Heunderstandspeoplebecausehelistenstothem.

Youcanneverreallyunderstandanotherhumanbeingunlessyouarewillingtolisten,carefully,sympathetically,andpatiently.

Thiskindoflisteningcanmakeyourich,too…richindollars,richinfriends,richinthesatisfactionofaccomplishmentandhappiness.

Oneofthehighestcomplimentsyoucanpayanotherpersonissimplytolistentohim.Byyourpatientlisteningyousaytohim,“Youareworthlisteningto.”Youincreasehisself-esteem,foreveryhumanbeinglikestothinkhe“hassomethingtosay”thatisworthsaying.

Ontheotherhand,oneofthemostdeflatingthingsyoucandototheotherfellow’segoistobrushhimoffbeforehearingwhathehastosay.Remember,peopleliketobe“paidattentionto.”

Everhearawifesayofherhusband,“HeneverhearsawordIsay.Icouldsaytohim,‘Thehotwatertankjustblewup’andallhe’dsaywouldbe,‘Isthatright?’andgorightonreadinghispaper.”Maybeyouhaven’theardthis,butmaritalcounselorsheariteveryday.

Everhearanemployeesay,“Iwouldlikemybossfine,excepthejustwon’tlisten.IgotohimtotellhimaboutaproblemandaskhisadviceandbeforeIgethalf-waythroughheinterruptsandgivesmeapatanswerbeforeheevenknowswhatI’mtalkingabout.He’snotabadguy,ifhewouldjustlisten.”

Maybeyouhaven’theardthosewords,butgrievancecommitteesinindustryhearthemoverandover.

Everhearayoungpersonsay,“Myparentsdon’treallyunderstandmeatall.

ItrytotellthemhowIreallyfeelaboutthings,whatmyproblemsare,buttheyjustwon’tlisten.Theyeithertreatmelikeachildandbrushoffmyproblemsashavingnoimportance—orelsetheyaresoanxioustotellmehowIoughttofeelaboutthings,theyneverknowhowIreallyfeel.”Juvenilecourtjudgeshearthatsametheme,withvariations,everyday.

Alotoftrouble,misery,andfailurehappensinourworldjustbecausesomeonewouldn’tlisten.

Keepthisbitofadvicepasteduponthewallofyourmind,whereyoucanseeitatalltimes:

You’veGottoKnowWhatPeopleWant,WhatTheyNeed,andWhatTheyAre.

—ifyouaregoingtodealwiththemeffectively.Thisappliestoenemiesaswellastofriends.Itappliestochildren,grown-ups,bigshots,andsmall-fry.Andthewaytoknowwhatpeoplewant,need,andareissimplyLISTENTOTHEM.

SevenWaystoPracticeListeningThisartoflisteningissoimportant,don’tpassitoverwithoutputtingitintopractice.Perhapsyoureadsomethingthatsoundsgood,areconvincedit’strue,thenresolvetoputitintopractice.Butifyoudon’tcheckyourself,youforgetallaboutitinadayortwo.Onewaytoovercomethisistolistsomedefinitethingstodoandstartdoingthem.

So“nail-down”theknowledgeyougainedinthischapter,anddon’tletitgetaway.Startingrightnow,practicethefollowing:

1.Lookatthepersonwhoistalking.Anybodyworthlisteningtoisworthlookingat.It’llalsohelpyouconcentrateonwhathe’ssaying.

2.Appeardeeplyinterestedinwhatheissaying.Ifyouagree,nodyourhead.Ifhetellsastory,smile.Respondtohiscue.Workwithhim.

3.Leantowardthepersonwhoistalking.Evernoticeyouhaveatendencytoleantowardaninterestingtalker,andleanawayfromadullone?

4.Askquestions.Thisletsthepersonwhoistalkingknowthatyouarestilllistening.

5.Don’tinterrupt;instead,askhimtotellmore.Mostpeoplearehighlycomplimentedifyoudon’tinterruptthemuntilthey’rethrough.Butthey’redoublycomplimentedifyoudrawthemout.“Wouldyoumindgoingintothatlastpointalittlemorefully?”or“I’dliketoknowalittlemoreaboutwhatyouweresayingconcerningsuchandsuch.”

6.Sticktothespeaker’ssubject.Don’tchangesubjectsonapersonuntilheisfinished,nomatterhowanxiousyouaretogetstartedonanewone.

7.Usethespeaker’swordstogetyourownpointacross.Whentheotherfellowhasfinishedtalking—repeatbacktohimsomeofthethingshehassaid.Thisnotonlyprovesyou’vebeenlistening,butisagoodwaytointroduceyourownideaswithoutopposition.

Prefacesomeofyourownremarkswith,“Asyoupointedout—.”Or“It’sjustlikeyousaid—.”

10HOWTOGETOTHERSTOSEETHINGS

YOURWAY…QUICKLY!

Everyday,somesituationariseswhereinweneedtopersuadeanotherpersontoacceptourownviewpoint.Somepointofdisagreementcomesupwithwife,husband,child,boss,neighbor,customer,employee,friend,orenemy.

“IfonlyIcouldgethimtoseethingsmyway,”wesay.Taketheseinstances:

1.Supposeyouareaclerkinaretailstoreandacustomercomesinanddemandsthathebegivenanewrefrigeratorfortheonehepurchased,twomonthsaftertheguaranteeperiodhasexpired.Youtrytoexplainthatthecompanywillrepairtheoldrefrigerator,butcannotgiveabrandnewone.Thecustomercannotseethis.Howdoyousettlethisdifferenceofopinion?

2.Youareinaconferenceandyourbosscomesupwithanideaforsalespromotionthatseemsgoodonthesurface.However,youseeseveralseriousflawsintheidea,andrealizethatitmaywellcostthecompanytoomuchmoneyandlosemorecustomersthanitgains.Howdoyougoaboutconvincingyourbossthathisideawon’twork?

3.Yourwifewantstosendyoursontoaprivateschool.Therearemanyreasonsthatleadyoutobelievehewillbebetteroffinpublicschool.Howdoyougoaboutgettingtheseideasacross?

4.Youfeelthatyoudeservearaiseandthatthecompanycanwellaffordtopayyoumore.Youmentiontheidea,andyourbosssays“Wecan’tafforditnow;seemelater.”Whatdoyousay?

Whythe“NaturalWay”IsWrongThenaturalthingtodowhenwerunupagainstacontraryideaoropinionistoargue.Itmaybeonlyaquestionofwhichbaseballteamisthebest—oritmaybeaquestiondebatedbystatesmenintheUnitedNations.Unfortunately,thenaturalthingisstilltoattempttoarguedownouropponent.

Someonehassaidthatgolfisdifficultbecausethegolfswingisunnatural.Itgoesagainsteverynaturalimpuseofhowtoswingaclub.Wemustlearnascientific,butunnaturalswing.

Thesamethingmightbesaidfortheartofpersuasion.Itisnaturaltoregardsomeonewhoopposesourideasasanopponenttobeovercomeinonewayoranother.Yet,whatwereallywanttodoisconvincetheotherfellow,inducehimtochangehismindratherthantoconquerhimorbeathimdown.

Whensomeoneopposesourideas,itisnaturalforustotakeitasathreatandaslaptoourownego.Andsoitisnaturaltohitbackathisownego,tobecomeemotionalandhostile,toshout,threaten,shame,ridicule,andtrytoramourideasdownhisthroatbyintimidationorforce.Weexaggerateeveryoneofourownso-calledreasonsorclaims,andmakelightofeveryoneofouropponent’spoints.

Butthisnaturalwaydoesnotwin.Becausetheonlywayyoucaneverreallywinanargumentistogettheotherfellowtochangehismind.

SciencediscoversawaytowinargumentsTheoldsaying,“Nobodyeverwonanargument”istrueifyoumeanbyargumenttheshoutingsession,ortheegobattle.However,therearewaysthatyoucaninducetheotherfellowtoseethingsyourway.

Thewaytowinanargumentscientifically,however,isjusttheoppositemethodthatmostofusnaturallyuse.EvenorganizationsthatwanttogetthegeneralpublictochangeitsideasusuallymakethesamemistakesthatyouandImakewhenwearearguingaboutbaseballorpolitics.

“Why,”asksScienceDigest(March,1954)“istheAmericanpublicsoreluctanttosupportanadequatecivildefenseprograminviewoftherepeateddemonstrationsofthedangersofunpreparedness?Andwhydosomanycancerpatientsavoidtreatmentuntilitistoolate,despiteallthedramaticwarningsissuedabouttheneedforearlycare?Oneimportantfactormaybethatappealswhicharouseintensefears,orwhichconstitutethreats,arenoteffectiveinpersuadingpeopletochangetheiropinionsorbehavior.Thiswasrevealedina

seriesof25experimentsconductedbythreeYalepsychologists.”

LowpressureisthesecretThesethreeYalepsychologists,CarlI.Hovland,IrvingL.Janis,andHaroldH.Kelly,foundthatthebestwaytogetideasacceptedistousealow-pressuretechnique,oneofcalmlypresentingfacts,andleavingoutthreatsorattemptsatusingforce.

Inoneexperiment,anillustrated15-minutelectureondentalhygienewasgiventothreedifferentgroupsofstudents.Thefirstgroupgota“strong”appeal,pointingupthedangersofdentalneglect:toothdecay,diseasedgums,cancer,andthelike.

Thesecondgroupreceiveda“moderate”appeal,inwhichthedangerswerepresented,butinamilderandmorefactualway.

Thethirdgroupreceivedalecturepresentingstraightinformationthathardlytouchedatallonthedangersofneglect.

Aweekafterthetalksweregiven,thestudentswerecheckedtoseewhichoneshadmodifiedtheirbehaviormostandwerefollowingthepracticesrecommendedinthetalks.Surprisinglyenough,thestudentswhoheardthe“soft”appeal,withnoscaretactics,weremorecloselyfollowingthepracticesoutlinedinthelecturesthanthosewhohadheardthe“scareappeal.”

Othertestswithcollegestudentshaveshownsimilarresultsinpoliticalarguments.Itwasfoundthatstudentsweremorelikelytochangetheirpoliticalopinionsifthe“otherside”presentedunemotionalfactsthaniftheymadewildharangues.

Theamazingfactthatascientificanalysisof10,000actualargumentsproducedPerhapsthemostexhaustiveresearchworkthathaseverbeendoneonargumentswasperformedbyProfessorsAlvinC.BusseandRichardC.Borden,formerlywithNewYorkUniversity’sSpeechDepartment.

Theseprofessorslistenedto10,000actualargumentsoveraseven-yearperiod.Theylistenedtohasslesbetweentaxi-drivers,betweenhusbandsandwives.Macy’s,Westinghouse,andotherbusinessfirmscooperatedandallowedthemtoeavesdroponsalesmenandcounterclerks.TheylistenedtodebatesintheU.N.Theymadenotesofwhowontheargument,andwhy.

Theycametotheinterestingconclusionthatprofessionaldebaters—

politicians,U.N.delegates—werelesssuccessfulthandoor-to-doorsalesmeningettingtheirideasaccepted.

Theonebigreasonturnedouttobethattheprofessionaldebatersseemedtobeintentuponbeatingdowntheopposition,or“showingup”theopposingargument,whereasthesalesmanwastryingtoinducetheprospecttowanttochangehisownmind.

Theyfoundthattheonebigmistakemostofusmakeintryingtowinanargumentisinattackingtheegooftheotherperson.

HowtopersuadebyworkingwithhumannatureItallboilsdowntothethemeofthisbook:youmustlearntoworkwithhumannature,ratherthanagainstit,ifyouwanttohavepowerwithpeople.

Tellamanthathisideasarestupid,andhewilldefendthemallthemore.Ridiculehisposition,andhehastodefendittosaveface.Usethreats,orscaretactics,andhesimplycloseshismindagainstyourideas,regardlessofhowgoodtheymaybe.

Oneofthestrongesturgesinhumannatureisself-survival,andthismeanssurvivaloftheegoaswellasthebody.Forourownprotection,wehavetobecarefuloftheideasthatweacceptandactupon.Welearntoimmunizeourselvesagainstanyideathatisseenasanenemy.Friendsdon’tusuallycomeatushammer-and-tongs,andsotobesafewejustcloseourearstoideasthatcometousdresseduplikeenemies.

Howtoreachtheotherperson’ssubsconsciousmindWhenweattempttosellideas,wearereallytryingtoreachtheotherperson’ssubconscious,becausenoideaisreallyacceptedandacteduponuntilthesubconsciousmindacceptsit.“Amanconvincedagainsthiswillisofthesameopinionstill”describesthemanorwomanwhohasacceptedanideawiththeconsciousmind—butnotwiththesubconscious.Suchapersonmaygivelipservicetotheideaandappeartoagreewithyou,butheisstillunconvincedandwillnotactontheidea.

Thereisjustonewaytogetanideaacceptedbythesubconsciousmind,psychologistsknow,andthatisbysuggestion.Numerousexperimentshaveshownthattheharderyoutrytoforceanideaintothesubconscious—themoreresistancethatideameets.Itistheoldinstinctofself-preservationatworkagain.Thetechniqueusedbypsychologistsisto“slip”theideaintothesubconscious

mind—moreorlessunnoticed.Evernoticethatwhensomeonetellsyou,“Youcan’tdothat,”youhavean

irresistibleimpulsetodoitanyway?Evernoticethatwhensomeonetellsyou,“Youhavegottodosoandso,”youalmostautomaticallyreactbysayingtoyourself,“I’llbedarnedifIdo!”

SixTestedRulesforWinningArgumentsYouwillbesuccessfulinwinningargumentstothedegreethatyouaresuccessfulinslippingyourideaspasttheegooftheotherperson.Hisegoislikeaguardthatstandsattheentranceofhissubconsciousmind.Ifyouwakeuphisego,orarouseittoomuch,hisegosimplywillnotletyourideaspast.Thisistheall-importantpoint.Keepitinmindasyoustudythefollowingpoints:

1.LethimstatehiscaseDon’tinterrupt.Lethimstatehiscase.Rememberthemagicoflistening.Itnotonlywoundstheotherperson’segotobeinterruptedandbrushedoff;werunintowhatthepsychologistscallmentalset.Thepersonwithsomethingonhischesthashismentalsetallgearedfortalking.Anduntilhehassaidhispiece,hismentalsetisnottunedforlisteningtoyourideas.Ifyouwantyourownideastobeheard,learntolistenfirsttotheotherfellow.

JohnGraham,directorofpersonnelofF.&R.Lazarus&Company,Columbus,Ohio,isoneofthemostskillfulpersuadersIhaveevermet.Whenhisideasmeetopposition,orwhensomeonehasacomplainttomake,healwayshearstheotherfellowout.Hethengoesonestepfurtherbyaskingtheotherpersontorepeatsomeofhispoints,andbyaskingwhetherthereisanythingelsehewouldliketosay.Thisshowstheotherpersonthatheisinterestedinhispointofview.

Askingtheotherpersontorepeathiskeypointsisalsovaluablewhentheotherpersoncomestoyouhotunderthecollar.Merelylettinghimgetitoffhischestgoesalongwaytoreducehisfeelingofhostility.Ifyoucangethimto“playback”hiscomplainttwoorthreetimes,itdrainsoffvirtuallyallhisemotionorsteam.

2.Pausebeforeyouanswer

Thisruleworksequallywellinconversationwherethereisnoapparentdifferenceofopinion.Whensomeoneasksyouaquestion,lookathimandpauseslightlybeforeanswering.Thiswilllettheotherpersonknowthatyouconsiderwhathehassaidofsufficientimportanceto“thinkaboutit,”or“considerit.”

Aslightpauseisallthatisneeded.Pausetoolong,andyougivetheimpressionthatyouarehemmingandhawing,ortryingtoevadegivingadefiniteanswer.Ifyoumustdisagreewithaperson,however,theslightpauseisimportant.Comeoutwithafast“no,”andtheotherfellowfeelsthatyouarenotinterestedenoughtotaketimewithhisproblems.

3.Don’tinsistonwinning100percentMostofus,whenwegetintoanargument,attempttoprovethatwearetotallyandcompletelyright,andtheotherfellowiswrongonallpoints.Skillfulpersuaders,however,alwaysconcedesomethingandfindsomepointofagreement.

Iftheotherpersonhasapointinhisfavor,acknowledgeit.Andifyougiveinonminorandunimportantpoints,theotherfellowwillbemuchmorelikelytogiveinwhenyoucometothebigquestion.

DavidBabcock,vicepresidentanddirectorofpersonneloftheDaytonCompany,Minneapolis,oneofthelargeststoresinAmerica,usesthisruletoperfection.Ifhecannotgrantarequestofanemployee,healwaysexplains“why.”Ifhemustshiftanemployeefromonedepartmenttoanotherhedoesn’tjustsay,“MissSmith,Iamtransferringyoutoanotherdepartmentasoftomorrowmorning.”HetellsMissSmithwhysheisbeingtransferred.

Dr.PierceP.Brooks,presidentofNationalBanker’sLifeInsuranceCompany,Dallas,Texas,andauthorofHowPowerSellingBroughtMeSuccessinSixHours,recommendswhathecallsthe“yes—but”technique.

“Yes,Icanseeyouhaveagoodpointthere,buthaveyouconsideredthis…”“Yes,Icanunderstandwhyitmightappearthatway,but…”“Yes,youarecertainlyrightaboutthatallright,butontheotherhand…”

4.StateyourcasemoderatelyandaccuratelyThetendencythatwehavetowatchintryingtogetourideasaccepted,whentheyareopposed,istoexaggerateandmaketooforcefulanappeal.Rememberthatscientificallyprovedtestsshowthatcalmlystatedfactsaremoreeffectiveingettingpeopletochangetheirmindsthanarethreatsandforce.

Onereasonwestillusetheoldforcefulmethodsisthattheysometimesseemtowork.Youbeattheotherfellowdown.Youshowhimup.Yougethimtothepointwhere“hecan’tsayathing.”Youraudienceapplauds,andyouthinkyouhavewontheargument.Buttheotherfellowstillhasn’tacceptedyourviewpoint,andhewillnotactuponyourideas.

BenjaminFranklinisgenerallyconcededtohavebeenoneofthebestideasalesmenofalltime.Indealingwithforeignnations,healwayscameoutontop,andgotwhathewanted.Heiscreditedwithhavingputacross,againstmuchopposition,theConstitutionoftheUnitedStates.

“Thewaytoconvinceanother,”saidFranklin,“istostateyourcasemoderatelyandaccurately.Thensaythatofcourseyoumaybemistakenaboutit;whichcausesyourlistenertoreceivewhatyouhavetosay,and,likeasnot,turnaboutandconvinceyouofit,sinceyouareindoubt.Butifyougoathiminatoneofpositivenessandarroganceyouonlymakeanopponentofhim.”

Thesamepsychologyworks—whetheryouaretryingtogetanassemblytoadoptyourviewsonsomethingasimportantassigningtheConstitutionoftheUnitedStates,orwhetheryouwouldlikeyourhusbandorwifetoacceptyourviewsonhowtodecoratethehouse.

5.SpeakthroughthirdpersonsThelawyerwhowantstowincasesroundsupwitnesseswhowilltestifytothepointshewantstoputovertothejury.Herealizesthattheargumentismoreconvincingifdisinterestedthirdpersonssaythatsuch-and-suchhappened,ratherthanifhesaysit.

Thestarsalesmanusestestimonialsofsatisfiedusers.Thecandidateforpublicofficegetswell-knownorganizationsandindividualstoendorsehim.Ifhesays,“I’mthemosthonest,mostintelligent,andbestqualifiedcandidateinthisrace,”votersmayhavetheirdoubts.ButiftheLeagueofUprightCitizenssaysthesamething,itislikelytocarryalotofweight.

Applicantsforpositionscarry“recommendations”fromthirdpartiesthatarealotmoreconvincingtotheprospectiveemployerthananythingtheapplicantcouldsayinhisownbehalf.

Speakingthroughthirdpersonsisespeciallyvaluablewhenyouhaveadifferenceofopinionandwanttheotherfellowtoseethingsyourway.Foronething,peoplearenaturallyskepticalofyouwhenyouaresayingthingstoyourownadvantage.Equallyimportantisthefactthatwhatthirdpersonssayismuchlesslikelytoarousetheegooftheotherpersonthanwhatyousay.Records,statistics,history,aquotationfromsomewell-knownperson,canallbecitedas

thirdpersons.Let’ssayyourwifewantsthenewhousedrapestobeallthesamecolor,

whereasyouwouldlikethemtobedifferent.Ifyousay,“Ithinkitisold-fashionedandbehindthetimestohavedrapesallthesamecolor,”youaregoingtostartanargument.“Oh.SonowI’mold-fashionedandbehindthetimes,”she’llsay.

Butifyousay,“IwaslisteningtoPeterLindHayesontheradiotheotherdayandhewastellingabouthowheandMaryhadfurnishedtheirplacewithdifferentcoloreddrapes.Hesaiditwasgettingtobeold-fashionedtohaveallthedrapesthesamecolor,”youdonotarouseanyantagonism,andyouciteanendorsementatthesametime.

NotlongagoIpurchasedanautomobileliabilityinsurancepolicy.WhenIsawthatthesalesmanhadquotedmepricesona$100,000policy,Iwasalittleirritated.Ithoughthewastryingtosliponeoveronme.

“Ididn’tsayanythingabout$100,000,”Iprotested.“Ijustwantthecustomary$25,000policy.”

“Butthe$100,000policyisthecustomarypolicy,now,”hesaid.“About90percentofournewpolicy-holdersgetthe$100,000policy.Civilcourtjuriesareawardingmuchhigherjudgmentsthantheyusedto.And$50,000and$100,000judgmentsarenowgettingtobeordinary.”

Hesavedanargumentandchangedmymindbylettingthirdpersonsspeakforhim.Icouldn’tverywellarguewith90percentofhisnewpolicy-holdersandcivilcourtjuries.

Whenyouaskthebossforaraiseitwillcarrymoreweightifyousay,“IbelievemyrecordherewillshowthatIhaveearnedaraise,”ratherthan,“IbelieveIdeservearaise.”

6.LettheotherpersonsavefaceManytimestheotherfellowwouldgladlychangehismindandagreewithyou,exceptforonething.Hehasalreadymadeadefinitecommitment—comeoutwithastrongstand,andhecannotchangehispositioningoodgrace.Toagreewithyouwouldbetoadmithewaswrong.Andifhehasalreadymadedefinitestrongstatementsopposingyourview,hewouldalmosthavetoadmitthathehadlied.

Skillfulpersuadersknowhowtoleavethedooropensothattheotherfellowcanescapefromhispreviouspositionwithoutlosingface.Theyleavealoopholethattheotherfellowcangothrough.Otherwise,hemayfindhimselfaprisonerofhisownlogic.Hecannotescapefromhisownpreviousstand.Ifyouwould

persuadeanother,youmustnotonlyconvincehim.Youmustalsoknowhowtorescuehimfromhisownargument.

Herearetwoways:

MethodNo.1.Assumethattheotherpersondidnothaveallthefactstobeginwith.“Ofcourse,Icanwellunderstandhowyoumighthavethoughtso-and-so,sinceyoudidnotknowaboutsuch-and-suchatthetime.”

Iftheotherfellowwaswrong,findsomeexcuseforhisbeingwrong.“Anybodywouldhavethoughtthesamethingunderthecircumstances.”“Ifeltthesamewayaboutitatfirst,butthenIranacrossthisinformation

whichchangesthewholepicture.”

MethodNo.2.Suggestsomewaythathecanpassthebucktosomeotherperson.Acustomerofadepartmentstorereturnsadress.Shetookithomeandherhusbanddidnotlikeit.“Ithasneverbeenworn,”shesays.

Thesalesclerkexaminesthedressandseesthatitshowsdefinitesignsofhavingbeendry-cleaned.Now,thesalesclerkcanshowthecustomertheevidenceandprovesheiswrong,butshewillneveradmitit,becauseshehasalreadygoneonrecordassaying,“Ithasneverbeenworn.”SothesmartsalesclerkgivesMrs.Customeraloopholethroughwhichshecanescape.

Thesalesclerksays,“Mrs.Customer,Iwonderifsomememberofyourfamilycouldhavesentthisdresstothecleanersbymistake.Iknowthesamethinghappenedtomenotlongago.Iwasoutwhenthecleaningmancameandmyhusbandsentabrandnewdressoutandhaditcleaned,alongwithsomeotherdressesIhadinthesamecloset.Iwonderifthiscouldhavehappenedtoyou—becausethisdressdoesshowdefinitesignsofhavingbeencleaned.”

Mrs.Customerseestheevidence—sheknowssheiswrong—andshehasaready-madeexcuseforbeingwrong.Thereisanopendoorthroughwhichshecanescape.

CHAPTER10INANUTSHELLWhenyouhaveadifferenceofopinionwithsomeone,yourobjectshouldnotbeto“winanargument,”buttogettheotherpersontochangehisownmindandseethingsyourway.Thus,youmustavoidbringinghisegointoplay.Youmustslipyour“logicalreasons”pasthisego,thenclinchitbyleavinghimaloopholethroughwhichhecanescapefromhispreviousposition.

Thefollowingsixruleswillhelpyouaccomplishthis:

1.Lethimstatehiscase.

2.Pausemomentarilybeforeyouanswer.

3.Don’tinsistonwinning100percent.

4.Stateyourcasemoderatelyandaccurately.

5.Speakthroughthirdpersons.

6.Lettheotherfellowsaveface.

PARTFIVE

HOWTOMANAGEPEOPLE

SUCCESSFULLY

11.HowtoGet100PercentCooperationandIncreaseYourBrainPower

12.HowtoUseYourMiraclePowerinHumanRelations

13.HowtoCriticizeOthersWithoutOffendingThem

11HOWTOGET100PERCENT

COOPERATIONANDINCREASEYOURBRAINPOWER

Willyoutryasimpletwo-stepexperimentthenexttimeyouwantsomeonetohelpyoudosomething?Itdoesn’tmatterwhetherthejobismowingyourlawn,tyingupapackage,ormakingyourbusinesssuccessful.

Step1.First,simplyasksomeoneto,“Helpmedothis.”Tellthemwhattheyareexpectedtodo.Offertopaythemtohelp,ifyouwant,butmakeitplaintheyaretobepaidonlytocarryoutyourownideas.Makeanoteofthecooperationyouget,andthesuccessofyourjointefforts.

Step2.Next,approachsomebodyelseandaskforhelp.Onlythistimedon’tjustasktheotherfellowtohelpyou“do”thejob,butalsoaskhimtohelpyou“think”aboutthejob.Askforhisideasaswellashisbrawn.

Say,“I’vegotaproblemhereandIneedyourhelp.HereiswhatIwanttoaccomplish.Whatdoyouthinkaboutit?DoyouhaveanyideasIcoulduse?WhatisyouropinionofthewayIamgoingaboutthis?”

Again,judgetheresults.Invariably,youwillfindthatalthoughyoumaygetsomecooperationand

helpbyusingthefirstmethod,youget100percentcooperationandmuchmoreactualphysicalworkfromtheotherperson,byusingthesecondmethod.

HowtogettheotherfellowtogoalloutWhyisitthatifyouareoutspadingyourlawnandyousaytoyourneighbor,“Joe,howabouthelpingmespadethislawn?”hewilltellyoutogojumpinthelake?

Butifyousay,“Joe,I’vegotaproblemhere.IwishIknewwhatI’mdoing

wrong.Ican’tseemtogettheknackofpreparingthisgroundproperlysograsswillgrowonit.Doyouhaveanyideasofanythingthatwouldhelp.”Joeisverylikelytocomeover,takethespadeoutofyourhands,andsay,“Here,letmeshowyouhowtospadealawn.”

Thereasonissimple.Byusingthesecondapproachyouareworkinginharmonywithabasiclawofhumannature.IndustrialpsychologistshavediscoveredthatitisnotsomuchaquestionthatJoewon’thelpyou,hecan’tgoalloutinhelpingyou,unlesshegetshisbrainandhisbrawnbothworkingonthejob.

Itispsychologicallyimpossibleforahumanbeingtogiveus100percentofhisbrawn,unlessheisalsoallowedtogiveushisideas.

Itisasifthebrainandthebodyhavedecidedtoworktogetherasateam.And,astheysaidinvaudeville,neitherwill“breakuptheact,anddoasingle.”

Thishasbeenprovedbeyonddoubtbyrecordskeptonindustrialworkers.Workerswhohavenovoicewhatsoeverinmanagement,whocannotmakesuggestions,whoarenotallowedtocontributetheirideas,simplydonotdoasmuchworkasworkerswhoareencouragedtomakesuggestions.

Makethemfeelit’stheirproblem,tooAllofusareinterestedinourownproblemsmorethantheotherfellow’sproblems.WhenyousimplyaskJoetohelpyouspadeyourlawn,hisfeelingis,“That’syourproblem.”ButwhenyouaskJoe’sadviceandsuggestions,youhavechallengedhim—youhaveineffectgivenhimaproblemtosolve,andhebecomesinterested.Thisprincipleworksingettingyourlawnspaded.Itworksinrunningyourbusiness.

Forexample,oneofthetoughestproblemsmanagementhasinbusinessisgettingdepartmentheadstocutcosts.It’sabigprobleminanybusiness.Somebusinessestrypreachments;sometryappealingtoduty.Butkeepingdownexpensesiscommonlyregardedasoneofthebiggestproblems,andonethatbusinessmengettheleastamountofcooperationon.

When35-year-oldRobertC.Hood,headofAnsulChemicalCompany,Marinette,Wisconsin,wasfacedwiththisproblem,hedidn’tpreachorscold.Hedidn’tjusttellworkerstheyhadto“cutcosts.”Hismanagementphilosophyis:“Peoplesupportwhattheyhelpcreate.”Sowhenhewantedtocutcosts,heformedacommitteeofallthetopoperationspeopleinhiscompany.Hedidn’ttellthemtheyhadtocutdownonanyspecificitemhereorthere.Instead,hetold

themitwastheirproblemtoworkoutideasoftheirown.Thecommitteemembersgottheirheadstogetherandbegantocomeupwith

ideasforsavingmoneyontravel,useoftelephoneandtelegraph,supplies,andevenpostage.AshorttimeagoMr.HoodreportedtotheAmericanManagementAssociation,theresultsofthisprogram,which“enabledustoreducecoststosuchanextentthatprofitsaftertaxesincreasedby40percenteveninaperiodwhensaleswereshowinga9percentincrease.”

Hoodusesthissameprincipletosolvemanyotherbusinessproblems.Hecallsitparticipativemanagement.

HowtouseparticipativemanagementinthehomeHowmanywiveshaveyouheardcomplainthattheirhusbandsnevertellthemanythingabouttheirbusinessortheirplans?Nevergivethemachancetomakesuggestions.Yet,youhearhusbandssaythattheirwiveswillnotcooperateinsavingmoney,andsoon.Manyparentsbelievethattheirchildrenwon’tcooperateinsomethingtheparentwantsdone,yettheyneveraskthechildtoparticipate,butonlytellhimto“dosoandso.”Theyneveraskthechildtocontributeanyideas,onlyhisphysicalactions.

Maritalcounselorshaveadoptedatechniqueforgettingcooperationinthehomethatisverysimilartoparticipativemanagementinindustry.Itiscalled“FamilyPlanningSessions.”

Thewife,husband,andchildrengettogetherforafamilyconferenceonceaweek,oronceamonth.Theimportantthingisthattheentirefamilyholdsregularmeetingsduringwhichproblemsarediscussed,commongoalsaresetout,andeachmemberofthefamilyisaskedtocontributeideas.

Dr.RuthBarbeesaidtomerecently,“Itisamazingwhatcanbeaccomplishedwhentheentirefamilyparticipatesinmanagingthefamily.‘Impossiblesituations’becomeironedoutsatisfactorily,thefamilygetsalongbettertogether,andeveryoneishappier,wheneachmemberisnotjusttoldto‘dothisorthat’butisaskedtomaketheproblemhisownproblemandfigureoutsomeideahowwecandothisorthat.NootheronemethodthatIknowofhaseverhadthesuccessthatFamilyPlanningSessionshasachieved.”

Shegoesontopointoutthatthefamily,justasabusinessconcern,musthaveonechiefexecutivewhosejobitistoweighthemanysuggestionsthatcomeinandmakefinaldecisions.

“However,”shesays,“itissurprisinghowwillinglyachildwillacceptthefinalauthorityofthe[parent],evenifthedecisiongoesagainsthim,providedhehashadachancetovoicehisopinionsandmakehissuggestions,beforethefinal

decisionisreached.”Businessexecutiveshavefoundthesametobetrue.

Whynotmultiplyyourownbrainpower10or100times?Itusedtobethoughtthatthejobofmanagementwastofurnishalltheideasandallthebrains.Managementwasthebrainsoftheoutfit,andemployeesweremerelyhands.However,thebestmanagementmentodayrealizethatthebestbrainsarenotconcentratedexclusivelyinthefrontoffice.Menandwomenintheplanthaveideas,orcouldhaveiftheyweregivenincentivetohavethem.Thebestexecutivestodayarenotafraidtoaskaworkerforanideaorasuggestion,outoffearthatsomeonewillgettheideathatheisnotsmartenoughtorunthebusiness.Heknowsthatheisnotsmartenoughtocomeupwithallthegoodideasthat100ofhisworkerscouldthinkup—ifencouragedtodoso.Soheisconstantlyaskinghisworkers,“Whatisyouropinion?”or“Howcouldwedothisbetter?”andpaysthemextrafortheirideas.

Theidealbusinessexecutivetodayisnotamanwhoisagenius,notamanwhoissosmartthathehasalltheideasthatarepossible.Heisamansmartenoughtoavailhimselfofthecountlessideasofthemenworkingunderhim,andwiththeadministrativeabilitytomakefinaldecisionsandseethemputintoaction.Heisageniusallright,butinhumanrelationsratherthanincreativeideas.Heknowshowtomultiplyhisownideasbytheideasofothers.Heknowstomanagepeople,getthemtoabidebyhisdecisions,andputhisdecisionsintooperationwholeheartedly.

How“thepowerofpeople”multipliedMcCormick’ssales1,500percentInitsSeptember,1951issue,Investor’sReaderrananarticlecalled“Management:ThePowerofPeople.”Itillustratesthedifferencebetweentheold-stylemanagementmethodsandthenew.Ittellsaboutacompanythatusedboth,andtheamazingresultsthatfollowedwhenthenewmethodswereused.

In1931,ChristmasatBaltimore’sMcCormick&Companywasthesadaffairithadbeenforyears.Noticesweregivenofalayoff“untilaboutFebruary1”alongwiththeironicwish“MerryChristmasandaHappyNewYear”!

In1950theemployeesofMcCormick&Company’sBaltimoreplant

workedpell-mellrightuptothedaybeforeChristmas,thenleftforhomewithawhoopandaholler.Andnowonder:intheirpocketswastwoweeksextracashbonusandaheadofthemafull-paidwintervacationuntilJanuary2.Thebonuswasanadditiontothreeweeksextraalreadypaidthatyear;thevacationwasinadditiontotheregularsummervacationandsevenpaidholidays.

Thecontrastbetweenthesetwosituationsisthedegreeofsuccessachievedinlessthan20yearsbyonemanandoneidea.Themanisperspicacious,55-year-oldCharlesPerryMcCormick,chairmanandpresidentof“theworld’slargestspiceandextractbusiness.”Theideais“multiplemanagement,”anoperatingsystemdesignedtoinsuremaximumworkerparticipationandmoraletosaynothingofprovidingmanagementwithaseedbedofyouthfulandambitiousexecutivetalent.

Thestoryactuallystartswaybackin1889,whenCharlie’suncle,WilloughbyMcCormick,startedhisspicebusinessinadingyroomwithtwoemployees.‘UncleWill’wasahardworkerandahardboss.Salesreached$3,500,000in1932butemployeswerelistlessanddispirited.Laborturnoverwasanexpensive30percentayear.

NephewCharlie(“TheOldMan”hadnochildren)startedworkingattheplantinsummersin1912,cameonfull-timein1919.Heworkedasstockboy,runner,anexecutiveassistantinfactoryandoffice,andforovertenyearsassalesmanandexportsalesexecutive.HealsotriedtosellUncleWillsomenewmanagementideasbutwasfiredseventimesforhistrouble(hewasalsorehired).CametheGreatDepressionandbiglossesforMcCormick.Aswasthetenorofthetimes,theOldManslashedwages25percentandhadanother10percentaxinhandwhenhesuddenlydiedonabusinesstripin1932.

Sinceitdidnotseemtomakemuchdifferencewhoheadedthehard-pressedconcern,thedirectorselectedyoungCharlie.Thepracticalprophetdecidedtousesomeofhisideas.Hecalledameetingofallemployeesandannounceda10percentraiseinsteadofacutandaworkweekshortenedfrom56to46hours.Healsotoldtheworkerstheyhadtoraiseproductionandcutcostsorthewholekitandcaboodlemightcollapse.Tohelpthemalonghetoldhisastonishedemployeestheywouldhenceforthshareintheprofitsofthecompanyandtakeanactivepartinmanagement.

Theactivepartconsistedofajuniorboardofdirectorsandthebeginningsofmultiplemanagement.Thefirstboardhad17members(creditclerks,costaccountants,assistantdepartmentheads).Their

assignmentwastofindwaysandmeanstoimproveanythingtheythoughtneededit.Inaddition:“Writeyourownconstitutionandbylaws,electyourownofficersandgovernyourselfasyouwish.Thecompanybooksareopentoyouandaskallthequestionsyoulike.”

Tokeepthingsundercontrol,Charliesaidallsuggestionsmustbeunanimousandsubjecttoapprovaloftheseniorboard(thestockholderboardelectedannually).

Theideaclicked.Withinafewyearsthejuniorboardhadredesignedandmodernizedthecompany’spackageswitharesultantsharpriseinsales;theydevisednewwaystoteststenographers;theyintroducedfasterandbetterbillingmachines;theysuggestednewproductlinesfrompumpkinpiespicetotherecentlyintroducedfast-sellingcinnamonsugar.

Asagoodspiceman,Charlielikestosay“theproofofthepuddingisintheeating.”Onthatbasisthejuniorboardhasquitearecord:of5,000suggestionsmade,over99percenthavebeenadoptedbytheseniorboard.SaysCharlie:“Icannotestimatehowmuchthesesuggestionshavemeanttothiscompanyinincreasedsalesandprofitsbutcertainlythebenefitsfarexceedthecost.”Moreimportant,thejuniorboardhasbolsteredmoraleandgivenallambitiousyoungmenachancetobeacompanyofficeranddirector.Thegoalisattainablesincenolessthan13ofthepresent17-manseniorboardwereformerlyjuniororfactoryboardmembers.

Howhasthis“multiplemanagement”workedoutatMcCormick?Underoldmethodsofmanagement,“UncleWill”—thebosswhoruledwithanironhand,managedtogetsalesupto3.5milliondollars.Whichsoundslikeaprettygoodendorsementoftheoldmethods,untilyourealizethatbyenlistingthebrainsaswellasthebrawnoftheworkers,CharlieMcCormickincreasedsalesvolumeabout15timestoaround50milliondollarsayear.“Whenwestarted,”saysCharlieMcCormick,“wehadasmallsalesvolume,noprofits,nodividends,noemployeemorale,norestperiods,novacations,noprofitsharingandnoretirementfund.”

HowtogetotherstosupportyourideasVeryoftenweneedthe“yes,”“OK,”orendorsementofanotherpersontogetsomeideaofourownadopted.Thebestwayintheworldtogetthissupportistogettheotherfellowtoparticipateinyouridea.

Insteadofsaying,“Iwishyouwouldapprovethis,”or,“Iwishyouwould

decideinmyfavor,”trysayingthis:“Ifyouwereme,howwouldyougoaboutgettingthisideaacross?”

Iknowanarmycoloneltoday,WestPoint,Classof1933,whohasthistechniquetothankforhiswholecareer.

AllhislifehehaddreamedofgoingtoWestPoint.Hewasgraduatedfromhighschooljustasthedepressionof1929hit.ManyparentswhonormallycouldhaveaffordedtosendtheirsonstocollegecouldnolongerdosoandmanyofthesesonswerecompetingforthefreeeducationatWestPointandAnnapolis.

Myfriendhadnoconnectionswhatsoever.Sohewenttoseveralofthemostprominentfiguresinhisstateandaskedthemasimplequestion.“Mr.————,ifyouwereinmypositionandyouwantedtogotoWestPointandwerethoroughlyqualifiedforit,whatwouldyoudo?”

That“Whatwouldyoudo?”wasaskingfortheirideas.Itaskedfortheirparticipationintheproblem.Andessentiallyitmadehisproblemtheirproblem.Hegotnotonlytheirrecommendations,buttheiractivehelp,andhegottheappointment.

Hadthisyoungmangonetothesemenandmerelyaskedfortheirendorsementsthechanceswouldhavebeensmall,forhewasanobody,anonentity.Byaskingfortheiradviceinstead,hegottheirendorsement.

SetupyourownbraintrustOneofthewealthiestmenIhaveeverknownoncetoldmethatheowedhissuccesstothefactthathehadlearnedsomethingfromalmosteveryonehehadevercomeincontactwith.Oneofhisfirstbusinessventureswastheoperationofasawmill.

“Myemployeeswereilliterates,”hetoldme.“Someofthemcouldnotevensigntheirownnames.ButIknewthattheyhadworkedatthisgameforalongtimeandmusthavetheirownideas.Imadeitapointtolearnwhattheyknew,andaskfortheirideas.”

Lateron,thismanappliedthissameprincipleintheoperationofabank,adepartmentstore,andseveralotherbusinesses.

“IfI’vemademoney,”hesaid,“it’snotbecauseofmyownbrains,butbecauseofmy‘braintrust’:theideasIgotfromotherpeople.NotonlyhaveIgottenmanygoodideasinthisway,butitcomplimentstheotherperson.Italwaysflatterstheotherpersontoaskhisadviceandtoseekhisideas.”

Trythistechniqueonyourfriends,family,associates,andco-workers.Seehowtheotherfellowbrightensupwhenyouaskforhisadvice.Seehowhewarmsuptoyouwhenyousay,“Whatisyouropinionaboutthismatter?”or

“Howwouldyougoaboutdoingthis?”Trythistechniqueasadoor-opener.Thenexttimeyouwanttogetintosee

someonedifficulttosee,sendinwordthatyouwanttoconsultwithhimandgethisopinionaboutacertainmatter!

Amagazinewriterwhowritesarticlesfortheslickstellsmethatheoftenusesavariationofthistechniquetogetaninterviewwithabigshotwhohasthereputationofbeinghardtosee.

Hemerelycallsonthephoneandsays,“Mr.X,you’vebeenreferredtomeasanauthorityonthesubjectof————.I’mtryingtoprepareanarticleonthismatterandeveryoneItalkwithtellsmethatifIwanttogettherealfactsaboutthismatter,Ishouldseeyouandgetyourideas.”

TheMagicSecretofAskingforAdviceAsyoureadthis,youmaybethinkingofsomeindividualwhoisalwaysaskingotherpeopleforadvice,alwaystellinghistroublesandproblemstoothers,andsucceedingonlyinmakinganuisanceofhimself.Maybeyou’rewonderinghowatechniquethatcanmakeonemanwealthyandprosperouscanmakeanothermanafailure.

Themagicsecretofusingthistechniqueisthis:Itdependsonwhyyouask.Thereisacertaintypeofpersonwhoisalwaystellingothershistroubles,

andconstantlyaskingforadvice.Hedoesn’tsolvehisproblems.Hemakesanuisanceofhimself.Insteadofbecomingpopularbyusingthistechnique,heissomeoneavoidedbyothers.

Suchapersonisnotactuallyseekingadvice.Hewantssympathyorpity.Whenheasksyou“WhatintheworldamIgoingtodo?”hedoesn’texpectyoutotellhim.Hewouldbeinsultedifyoudid.Heexpectsonlythatyoufeelsorryforhimandtellhimheisintheworstplightofanyhumanbeingyouhaveeverheardof.Hewantsyoutoagreethathehasbeentreatedunjustly.Butthelastthinghewantsisananswertohisproblem.Andifyoudoubtthis,nexttimeaskhim,“Whydon’tyoutrysoandso?”andwatchhisreaction.

Thereisalsotheindividualwhocomesapparentlyaskingforadviceandopinion,butwhoreallywantsapatontheback.Apopularsongwritertellsmethatpeopleheknowsoftensaytohim,“HereisasongIhavewritten.Iwishyouwouldlookitoverandtellmewhatyouthinkofit,orifitneedsanyimprovement.”

“Ilosttwoorthreegoodfriends,”hetoldme,“beforeIdiscoveredthatthesepeopledon’treallywantmyopinion,andtheywouldn’ttakemyadviceifIgave

it.Whattheywantisapatontheback.Theythinktheyhavewrittenaprettygoodsong,andtheywantmyassurancethatitisasgoodastheywouldliketothinkitis.”

Sorememberthis:Asktheotherfellowforadvice,ideas,suggestions,andreallymeanit.Younotonlywillgetsomegoodsuggestionstohelpyousolveyourproblem,butyoucomplimenttheotherfellowaswell.

Don’taskforadvicewhenallyouwantisassurancethatyouareright.Don’taskforadviceoropinionswhenallyouwantissympathy.Ifyoudo,younotonlywillfailtogetanywheresolvingyourproblems—you’llmakeanuisanceofyourselfaswell.

THEMEATINTHECOCONUTFORCHAPTER111.Ifyouwantotherpeopletohelpyou,andgoallout,youmustaskfortheirideasaswellasfortheirbrawn.

2.Maketheotherfellowfeelthatyourproblemishisproblem.

3.Usetheprincipleofmultiplemanagement,givingeachmemberoftheteamavoiceinhowtheteamistooperate.

4.Whenyouwantsomeonetodoyouafavor,makehimamemberofyourteam.Don’tjustsay,“Howaboutputtinginagoodwordforme.”Say,“Ifyouwereinmyshoesandwantedtogetfavorableattention,howwouldyougoaboutit?”

5.Setupyourownbraintrust,andmakeuseoftheideas,suggestions,andadviceofotherpeople.

6.Besurewhenyouaskforadviceyouactuallywantadvice.Don’taskforadviceifallyouwantissympathyorapatontheback.

Suggestion:Makeitapointtoapplythesesixrulesforoneweekinyourhome,youroffice,yourclub,andkeeparecordoftheresultsyouobtain.

12HOWTOUSEYOURMIRACLEPOWER

INHUMANRELATIONS

Doyoubelieveinmiracles?ifnot,youmaybesurprisedtolearnthatmanymedicaldoctorsandscientiststodaybelieveinmiracles,eveniftheycannotunderstandthem.

Dr.JohnR.Brobeck,professorofphysiologyattheUniversityofPennsylvania,recentlyreadapaperonmiraclesandsciencebeforetheBritishandCanadianMedicalAssociations.Hesaidinsubstancethattheonefactortodaythatsciencecannotunderstandaboutmiraclesis:Whatisthesourceofenergyformiracles?

Dr.AlexisCarrel,thefamousscientist,alsowroteascientificpaperonmiracles,andcommentedonthefactthatordinary“natural”healingprocessesappearedtobetremendouslyspeededupthroughsomesuddenandtremendousinrushofenergy,notknowntonaturalscience.Dr.Carrelbelievedthatthisenergywasaspiritualpower.

HowpraisereleasesenergyAllthroughtheages,manypeoplehavebelievedthatpraisehassomesortofmiracle-workingpower.CharlesFillmore,cofounderofUnitySchoolofChristianity,wrote,“Wordsofpraise,gratitude,orthanksgivingexpand,setfree,andineverywayradiateenergy….Youcanpraiseaweakbodyintostrength,afearfulheartintopeaceandtrust;shatterednervesintopoiseandpower;afailingbusinessintoprosperityandsuccess;wantandinsufficiencyintosupplyandsupport.”

DidyouevernoticeintheBiblehowoftenpraiseandthanksgivingareassociatedwithmiracles?BeforeElishamiraculouslyincreasedthewidow’soil,heblesseditandgavethanks.BeforeJesusmultipliedtheloavesandfisheshe

blessedthem,liftedhiseyestoHeavenandgavethanks.“Thereisaninherentlawofmindthatweincreasewhateverwepraise,”

CharlesFillmoresaid.“Thewholeofcreationrespondstopraiseandisglad.Animaltrainerspetandrewardtheirchargeswithdelicaciesforactsofobedience;childrenglowwithjoyandgladnesswhentheyarepraised.Evenvegetationgrowsbetterforthosewholoveit.”

Justhowpraisereleasesenergy,nooneseemstoknow.Butthefactthatitdoesiscommonexperience.Evernoticehow,whensomeonepaysyouasincerecompliment,orthanksyouforajobwelldone,yourspiritsseemtogetashotinthearm?

Iusedtoknowagrandoldladywhowouldsay,everytimesomeonecomplimentedheronhowfineshelooked,“Thankyou,Icanliveanotheryearonthat.”Shemightnothavebeenfarwrong.Forpraisedoesgiveusnewenergy,andnewlife.

Theliftthatyougetfrompraiseisnotanillusion.Neitherisitjustyourimagination.Insomeway,unknowntoscience,actualphysicalenergyisreleased.

Dr.HenryH.Goddard,whenhewaspsychologistatVinelandTrainingSchoolinNewJersey,usedaninstrumenthecalledthe“ergograph”tomeasurefatigue.Whentiredchildrenweregivenawordofpraiseorcommendation,theergographshowedanimmediateupwardsurgeofnewenergy.Whenthechildrenwerecriticizedanddiscouraged,theergographshowedthattheirphysicalenergytookasuddennosedive.So,eventhoughsciencecannotexplainthepowerofpraise,sciencecanmeasureit!

HowtoapplypraisetohumanrelationsAtthispointyoumayverywellsay,“Well,thatiscertainlyinterestingabouthowpraisereleasesenergy,andgivestheotherfellowalift,insomemiraculouswaythatsciencecannotunderstand,butwhathasthatgottodowithgettingalongwithpeople?”

Theansweris,“Everything.”Rememberourmotto—“LS/MFT”(LowSelf-EsteemMeansFrictionand

Trouble)?Well,hereisanalmostmagicalwaytoovercomefrictionandtroubleby

literallygivingtheotherperson’sself-esteemaspiritualshotinthearm.SeveralyearsagoCharlesG.Nichols,presidentofG.M.McKelveyCo.,

Youngstown,Ohioandtheauthorweretalkingaboutthefactthatcantankerousandhard-to-get-along-withpeopleareusuallysufferingfromalackofself-

esteem.“Wouldn’titbeawonderfulthing,”Isaid,“ifsomeonewoulddiscovera

wonderdrugforthehumanspirit—asortofegotonicthatyoucouldcarryaroundinyourpocket?Wheneveryoumetsomeonewhowasdiscouraged,hadachiponhisshoulder,orwantedtogiveyouahardtime,youcouldjustgivehimadosefromyourbottle.Hewouldbegintothinkmorehighlyofhimself—hisself-esteemwouldperkup—andpresto!hewouldbecomefriendlyandcooperative.”

“Thereissuchatonic,Les,”hetoldme.“Andbelievemeitiseverybitasamazinginitsresultsasanywonderdrug.Thiswonderdrugispraise—givingtheotherfellowcredit—lettinghimknowhiseffortsareappreciated.”

TheonethingpeoplewantmostRemember,too,anotheraxiomofthisbook:“Findoutwhatpeoplereallywant,andgiveittothem.”

Intellingmeaboutthepowerofpraiseinbusiness,CharlesG.Nichols,toldofanationwidepollconductedbytheNationalRetailDryGoodsAssociation,ofwhichheisaformerpresident.Thousandsofworkersandbosseswereaskedtolist,inorderoftheirimportance,thefactorsthattheyfeltwereofmostimportancetoworkers.“Creditforwork”wastheitemthattheworkersthemselvesoverwhelminglyratednumberone.Thebossesratedthesameitemseventh.

Evidently,fewofusrecognizejusthowveryimportantitistoaworkertobegivencreditfortheworkhehasdone,tobeaccordedrecognitionandpraisedforajobwelldone.

Peopleeverywhere—inthehome,school,office,plant—arehungryforpraiseandappreciation.Whenwegivethemwhattheyarehungryfor,theyaremuchmorelikelytobegenerousingivinguswhatwewantfromthem,whetheritistheirskill,manualwork,ideas,cooperation,orwhat-not.

HowtoperformasmallmiracleeverydayLifeitselfistherealmiracle.Andeverytimeyoucangiveanotherpersonmorelife—or“putmorelifeintohim,”asthecommonsayinggoes—youareperformingasmallmiracle.Anytimeyoucangiveanotherperson’sspiritsalift,orimbuehimwithmorelifeandenergy,youareperformingasmallmiracle.It’sverysimple.Allyoudoismakeitapracticetogivegenuinesincerepraiseto

someoneeveryday.Tryitonyourwife,husband,child,boss,customer,oremployee,andwatch

theotherfellowimmediately“perkup.”Alsonoticehowtheotherpersonautomaticallybecomesmorefriendlyandcooperative.

Alsonoticehowyour“smallmiracle”actuallyenablestheotherpersontodobetter.RememberhowpsychologistDr.HenryH.Goddardmeasuredscientificallytheincreaseinenergyinschoolchildrenwhentheywerepraised?Ithasalsobeenprovedthatpraiseactuallyenablesstudentstomakebettergrades.Whenstudentsweretoldjustbeforeanexamination,“Youwillhavelittletroublewiththistest.Itiswellwithinyourabilitiesandintelligence,”theymadebettermarksthanwhentheirintelligenceandabilitywererundownjustpriortothetest.Praisingtheirabilityseemedtoincreasetheirability.

Americanindustryhasalsoprovedthathonestpraise,andgivingcreditwherecreditisdue,notonlymakesworkersfeelbetter,butactuallyturnoutmorework.“Bonussystems”thatjusthandoutmoneytoemployees,asa“gift”fromtheboss,invariablyfail.Butwherebonusesandprofit-sharingarebasedonmerit,andasameansofrecognizingaman’sworthtothecompany,productionalwaysshootsup.RememberthestoryabouttheworkersatLincolnElectric,inCleveland,whoproduceupto12timesasmuchasworkersincomparableplants?JamesF.Lincolnsaysthatonebigreasonisthatworkersarerecognizedandgivencreditforwhattheydo.

BegenerouswithkindstatementsDon’twaituntilsomeonedoessomethingbigorunusualtopraisehim.Begenerouswithyourpraise.Ifyourmorningcupofcoffeeisgood,tellyourwifeaboutit.You’llnotonlyraiseherspirits,butthechancesareshe’lltrytobrewthecoffeeevenbettertomorrowmorning.

Ifyourstenographergetsoutyourletterfasterthanyouhadexpected,tellherso.She’llworkevenhardertopleaseyou.

Ifsomeonedoesyousomesmallfavor,showyourappreciationandgivehimcreditforhavingdonesomethingbysaying“Thankyou.”

Lookforthingsyoucanthankpeoplefor.Everytimeyousaythewords“Thankyou,”andmeanit,youaregivingtheotherpersoncredit—praisinghimforhavingdonesomethingyouappreciate.

Saythosekindwords.Letpeopleknowhowyoufeel.Don’ttakeitforgrantedthattheyknowyouappreciatethem:tellthem.Whenyouletpeopleknowyouappreciatewhattheyhavedone,itmakesthemwanttodostillmoreforyou.

Sixrulesforsaying“thankyou”Thosetwolittlewords,“Thankyou,”canbemagicwordsinhumanrelationsiftheyareusedcorrectly.Memorizethesesixrules.Theyhavebeentestedandproved.

1.Thanksshouldbesincere.Sayitasifyoumeanit.Putsomefeelingandlifeintoit.Don’tletitsoundroutine,but“special.”

2.Sayit—don’tmumbleit.Comerightoutwithit.Don’tactasifyouwerehalfwayashamedfortheotherpersontoknowyouwanttothankhim.

3.Thankpeoplebyname.Personalizeyourthanksbynamingthepersonthanked.Ifthereareseveralpeopleinagrouptobethanked,don’tjustsay“thankseverybody,”butnamethem.

4.Lookatthepersonyouarethanking.Ifheisworthbeingthanked,heisworthbeinglookedatandnoticed.

5.Workatthankingpeople.Consciouslyanddeliberatelybegintolookforthingstothankotherpeoplefor.Don’tjustwaituntilitoccurstoyou.Doitdeliberatelyuntilitbecomesahabit.Gratitudedoesnotseemtobeanaturaltraitofhumannature.WhenJesushealedtenlepers,onlyonethankedhim.Butareweverydifferent?

6.Thankpeoplewhentheyleastexpectit.A“thankyou”isevenmorepowerfulwhentheotherpersondoesnotexpectit,ornecessarilyfeelthathedeservesit.Thinkbacktosometimewhenyougotanice“thankyou”fromsomeonewhereitneveroccurredtoyouthatany“thanks”wereinorderandyou’llseewhatImean.

NotlongagoasmallboycameuptomeonthestreetinKansasCityandaskedmetobuyapencil.WhenIshookmyheadinthenegative,hetookmebysurprisebysaying(asifhereallymeantit)“Well,thankyouverymuch,anyway,sir.”Ofcourse,Idugdowninmypocketforanickel.Watchinghimworkhiswayupthestreet,Isawhimsellhalfadozenpencilsbeforehegottotheendoftheblock.

AsimpleformulatoboostyourownhappinessIfyoustillhaveanylingeringdoubtsthatpraiseandgratitudehavesomethingakintomiraculouspowerinthem,letmeaskyouthis.IfItoldyouaboutsomemanwhopossessedcertaingoods,andexplainedthatthemorehegaveawaythemorehealwayshadleft…wouldyouagreeitwasamiracle?

Well,thatiswhathappenswhenyoustartgivingawayhappinessandwell-beingtootherpeoplebypraisingthemandthankingthem.Themorehappinessyougiveaway,themoreyouyourselfhaveleft.

Again,thoughsciencecannotexplainit,psychologistsandpsychiatristsknowitistrue.

“Themeasureofmentalhealthisthedispositiontofindgoodeverywhere,”saidRalphWaldoEmerson.

Ifyouwanttoincreaseyourownpeaceofmindandpersonalhappinessthereisnomorecertainformulathantostartlookingforgoodthingsinotherpeoplethatyoucanpraise.Startlookingforgoodthingsinyourlifeyoucanbetrulythankfulfor.

Dr.GeorgeW.Crane,whoseinterestingsyndicatedcolumn,“TheWorryClinic,”appearsinmanynewspapers,hasshownthousandsofpeoplehowtofindhappinessbyjoiningwhathecalls“TheComplimentClub.”

TheClubhasnoofficers,clubrooms,orformalmeetings.Membersmerelyagreetopaythreesincerecomplimentstosomepersoneachday.Theyarenottowaituntilsomepersondoessomethingoutstanding,oruntiltheyrunuponsomeperfectperson,butdeliberatelytogooutandsearchforgoodthingsinotherpeoplethattheycancompliment.

Thisdeliberatelookingforthegoodthingsinothershasamiraculouseffectuponourselves.Ittakesourmindsoffourselves.Makesuslessself-conscious.Lessself-righteous.Moretolerantandunderstanding.Dr.Cranesaysthatthissimpletechniquehasliterallyworkedmiraclesincuringhisreadersofallsortsofworry,fears,depression.

Severalyearsago,anumberofpsychologistsgottogethertoseewhethertheycouldcomeupwithsomeonesimplerulethatwouldhelppeopleleadhappierlives,withmorepeaceofmind.TheycameupwithaformulacalledSFF,whichseemedtoworkmiracles.Thelettersstandfor“StopFindingFault.”

Oneofthesureearmarksofvirtuallyallneurotic,unhappypeople,theyfound,wasthattheywereoverlycritical.Theydeliberatelylookedforthingstofindfaultwith.Yet,whentheychangedtheirattitude,andbeganlookingforgoodthingsinpeoplearoundthemandgoodthingsintheircircumstances,theirownhappinessgreatlyincreased.

Nooneisperfect.Andithasbeensaidthatthereissomegoodineveryone.Tryanexperiment.Ifthereissomepersonwhoirritatesyou,orgetsyourgoat,orkeepsyouupset,beginlookingforsomethingyoucancomplimenthimfor.Evenifhefigurativelybitesyourheadoff—maybehehasniceteeth.Ifso,complimenthimonhisteeth.Keeponlookingforthingsyoucanpraisehimabout.Notonlywillheseemtochangeforthebetter;you’llfindthatyourownopinionabouthimischanging.

TwoRulesforAdministeringPraise

1.ItmustbesincereMereflatteryiseasilyseenthrough,anddoesnothingforeitheryouortheotherperson.Rememberthereisalwayssomethinggoodthatdeservespraise,ifyou’lllookforit.Itismuchbettertopraiseapersonforsomelittlesomething—andmeanit,thantopickoutsomethingbig,andbeinsincere.

It’smuchbetter,forexample,tosaytoawoman,“YouhavethemostbeautifulhandsI’veeverseen,”andmeaneverywordofit,thantosay,“Youarethemostbeautifulwomanintheworld,”ifsheisn’t.

2.Praisetheactortheattribute,ratherthanthepersonPraiseapersonforwhathedoes,notforwhatheis.Complimenthimonwhathehas,notonwhatheis.

RIGHT:MissSmith,yourtypinglatelyhasbeentrulyexcellent.WRONG:MissSmith,youareagoodworker.RIGHT:Jones,yoursalesledourentiredistrictlastweekWRONG:Jones,you’rethebestsalesmanwehave.RIGHT:Youcertainlyhavebeautifulhair.WRONG:You’reaprettyperson.RIGHT:Thisiscertainlyalovelyhouseyouhavehere.WRONG:Youmustbearealbigshottolivelikethis.

Whenyoupraiseanactorattribute,yourpraiseisspecificandsoundsmoresincere.Also,bestresultsareobtainediftheotherpersonknowsexactlywhatheisbeingpraisedfor.Praisingtheactratherthanthepersonavoidschargesof

favoritismorprejudice.Italsoavoidsembarrassment.Mostpeoplefeelillatease(oratleastfeelyouarehandingthemaline)if

youjustwalkupandsay,“You’reagreatguy.”Butifyoupickoutsomethingspecifichehasdone,hefeelsgoodaboutit.Praisingtheactcreatesanincentiveforthepersonbeingpraisedtodomore

ofthesame.Rememberpraisehasatendencytomultiplyandincreasewhateveritisaimedat.Praiseapersonforhisworkandhewilldomorework.Praisehimforhisbehavior,andhisbehaviorwillimprove.Butpraisehimmerelyasapersonandyouonlyincreasehisegotismandconceit.Manyaboyhasbeenruinedforlifebyhismotherconstantlytellinghim,“You’rethemostwonderfulpersonintheworld.”Infact,onereasonmostofusaresostingywithpraiseandcomplimentsisthefearthatwewillgivetheotherfellowaswelledhead.

Praisingaperson’sactandattributesincreaseshisfeelingofself-esteem,whichisafarcryfromegotismandconceit.

Praisingtheotherperson,merelyasaperson,mayverywellmakehimconceited.

CHAPTER12SUMMEDUP

1.Sincerepraisemiraculuouslyreleasesenergyintheotherperson,perkshimupphysically,aswellasgivinghisspiritsalift.

2.Thepersonwhoisdiscouraged,doingsloppywork,orjusthardtogetalongwithisprobablysufferingfromlowself-esteem.Praisecanactasawonderdrugtogivehisself-esteemahealthyshotinthearm,changehisbehaviorforthebetter.

3.Giveotherscreditforwhattheydo.Showyourappreciationofwhattheyhavedonebysaying“thankyou.”

4.Begenerouswithkindstatements.Gratitudeisnotacommonthing.Bybeinggenerouswithgratitude,youmakeyourselfastand-out.

5.Increaseyourownhappinessandpeaceofmindbypayingthreesincerecomplimentseachday.

13HOWTOCRITICIZEOTHERSWITHOUT

OFFENDINGTHEM

About95percentofthetimewhenwetellanotherperson,“I’mtellingyouthisforyourowngood,”we’renot.We’retellinghimtobolsterupourownegobypointingoutsomefaultinhim.

Oneofthemostcommonfailingsinhumanrelationsisthewaythatwe(sometimesunconsciously)attempttoincreaseourownfeelingofself-esteembyloweringtheself-esteemofanotherperson.Chronicfault-finding,belittlingtheotherfellow,nagging,rippingtheotherfellowuptheback,areallsymptomsoflowself-esteem.

AsJohnD.MurphyexpresseditinanarticleinYourLifemagazine,“Youhavetobelittle,tobelittle.”

However,therearegoingtobetimeswhenthesuccessfulleadermustpointouterrorsand“correct”thoseworkingwithhim.Thisistrulyanart,andonethatmostwould-beleadersfalldownon.

Let’slookatcriticisminanewlightBecausetheartofcriticismissolittleknown,andbecause99percentofthepeoplearesoineptatit,theverywordcriticismleavesabadtasteinourmouths.Whenwethinkoftheword,wethinkofthosemenandwomenwhohavecriticizedbadly.Weareapttothinkofsomeone“jumpingdownourthroat,”“showingusup,”humiliatingus,beatingusdown.

However,therealpurposeofcriticismisnottobeattheotherfellowdown,buttobuildhimup.Nottohurthisfeelings,buttohelphimdoajobbetter.

NotlongagoIwasdiscussingthesevenrulesforsuccessfulcriticism(whichyouwillbegivenshortly)withWalterJohnson,vice-presidentofAmericanAirlines.Wewerediscussingtherealneedforcriticism,andhowitcouldbea

realhelp.“Youknow,Les,”hesaid,“apilotcominginforalandingisagoodexample

ofsuccessfulcriticism.Frequently,hisflyingmustbecriticizedorcorrectedbythetower.Ifhe’soffcourse,thetowerdoesn’thesitatetotellhimso.Ifhe’scomingintoolow,he’stoldaboutit.Ifheisgoingtoovershootthefield,heiscorrected.YetI’veneverheardofoneofourpilotsgettingoffendedbythiscriticism.I’veneverheardonesay,‘Aw,he’salwaysfindingfaultwithmyflying.Whycan’thesaysomethinggoodforachange.’”

HowtokeeptheotherfellowonthebeamThenexttimeyoumustgetsomeonebackonthebeam,rememberhowtheairlines“correct”theirpilots.Keepinmindthattheircriticismisnotforthepurposeofegosatisfaction,buttoachieveagoodendresultforboththeairlineandthepilot.Themaninthetowerdoesn’tdealinpersonalities.Hedoesn’tuserecriminations.Hiscriticismisnotblaredoutoverloudspeakersbutinstrictprivacytothepilot’searphones.Hecriticizestheact,nottheperson.

Hedoesn’tsay,“Well,ifthatisn’tadumbwaytocomeinforalanding.”Hejustsays,“You’recomingintoolow.”

Thepilotisn’taskedtodosomethingmerelytopleasetheboss.Hehasaselfishincentiveofhisowntotakethecriticismandbenefitbyit.Heisnotoffended;heactuallyappreciatesit.Heismorelikelytobuythemaninthetowerasteakdinnerthantocusshim.

Andthereallyimportantthingisthatboththepilotandhisbossachievesomeusefulendresult.Thecriticismaccomplishessomething.

Allcriticismcouldbegiveninthesamespirit;ifitwere,equallygoodresultswouldbeachieved.

TheSevenMustsforSuccessfulCriticism

1.CriticismmustbemadeinabsoluteprivacyIfyouwantyourcriticismtotakeeffect,youmustnotengagetheotherperson’segoagainstyou.Rememberyourgoal—toachievesomegoodendresult—orgethimbackonthebeam,nottodeflatehisego.Evenifyourmotivesareofthehighest,andyouhavetherightspiritaboutcriticizingtheotherfellow,rememberit’showhefeelsthatcounts.Themildestformofcriticismmadeinthepresence

ofothersisverylikelytoberesentedbytheotherperson.Justifiedornot,hefeelshehaslostfacebeforehisco-workersorassociates.

Whetheryouobservethisruleornotisalsoagoodindicationofyourrealmotivesforcriticizing.Doyoucriticizeanemployeeonlywhenyouhaveanaudience?Doyou“correct”yourhusband’stablemannersinthepresenceofcompany?Ifso,thechancesareverygoodthatyourrealpurposeincriticizingisnottohelptheotherperson,buttoderiveegosatisfactionoutofhumiliatinghim.Childrenarepeople,too.Insofarasitispossible,don’tcorrectJuniorinthepresenceofhisplaymates.Aboveall,don’tpreachhimasermonwithotherspresent.

2.PrefacecriticismwithakindwordorcomplimentKindwords,compliments,praise,havetheeffectofsettingthestageinafriendlyatmosphere.Itservesnoticeontheotherfellowthatyouarenotattackinghisego,andputshimmoreathisease.Thenaturalreactionofaperson“calledinonthecarpet”istogetsettodefendhisego.Apersonwiththisdefensiveframeofmindisnotreceptivetoyourideas.

ClarenceFrancis,oneofthefoundersofGeneralFoodsCorporation,said,“Bypraisingapersonyoubringoutthebestinhim,andhewillunderstandyoubetterwhencriticismisnecessary.”

Praiseandcomplimentsopentheotherperson’smind:

“Bill,thatwasaswellreportyouturnedin.Youcertainlycoveredalltheimportantfactors.However,therewasonething…”

“Mary,youhavedoneexcellentworkeversinceyoujoinedourcompany.Weappreciateyoureffortsalongthisline.ThereisonethoughtforimprovementIknowyouwouldappreciate….”

“Joe,youhavealwayscooperatedsowellinthepast.Isthereanyreasonwhy…”“John,youcertainlyhavebeenagoodneighboralltheseyears.Doyouknow…”“Iknowfrompastexperiencethatyouarealwayslookingforlittlewaystoconstantlyimprove

yourwork.Itoccurredtomethat…”

3.Makethecriticismimpersonal;criticizetheact,notthepersonHereagain,youcansidesteptheotherperson’sego,bycriticismofhisactionsorbehavior,nothisperson.Afterall,it’shisactionsthatyouareinterestedinanyway.Bypinpointingyourcriticismtohisacts,youcanactuallypayhimacompliment,andbuilduphisegoatthesametime:

“John,Iknowfrompastexperiencethatthiserrorisnottypicalofyourusualperformance.”“George,theonlyreasonImentionthisisthatIknowyoucaneasilydobetter.Itisnotupto

yourusualhighstandard.”

Thiswayyouactuallybuildhimupwhilepointingouthismistakes.Insteadoftellinghim,“You’renogood,”yousayinsubstance,“Ithinkyou’remuchbetterthanthisperformancewouldindicate.”

Youlethimknowyouthinkheisbetterthantheerror;thatyouexpecthimtodobetter.Thisinitselfisapowerfulincentiveto“liveupto”yourexpectation.

RIGHT:“Thiswordismisspelled.”WRONG:“MissJones,youareaterribletypist.”RIGHT:“Bettercheckyouradditiononthesefigures.”WRONG:“Ofallthestupidmistakes.”RIGHT:“Johnny,youmuststudyharderandbringupthisgrade.”WRONG:“Whydoyouhavetobesodumb?”

Theremayarisesituationswhereitwouldbemorediplomatictopointoutthethingconnectedwithaperson,ratherthantheactofthepersonhimself.Forexample:

“Fred,somehoworothertheweeklyreportdidnotfinditswayuptotheaccountingoffice.(ItisFred’sresponsibilitytosenditup.)Doyouknowwhathappenedtothatreport,Fred?”Thisratherthan:“Fred,youdidn’tgetthereportuptotheaccountingofficeintime.”

4.SupplytheanswerWhenyoutelltheotherpersonwhathedidwrong—alsotellhimhowtodoitright.Theemphasisshouldnotbeonthemistake,butthemeansandwaystocorrectthemistakeandavoidarepetitionorrecurrence.

Oneofthebiggestcomplaintsofworkersis,“Idon’tknowwhatisexpectedofme.NothingIdoseemstopleasetheboss,butyetIamneversurewhathewants.”

Nothingcanlowermoraleinanoffice,plant,orhome,quitesomuchasanatmosphereofgeneraldissatisfactionwithouttherebeinganycleardefiningofjustwhatisexpected.Mostpeopleareanxiousto“doright”ifyoutellthemwhat“right”is.

Asoneworkerexpressedittome,“Mybossisalwaysfindingfault,criticizingmywork.AllIknowismywayofdoingitis‘wrong.’Yethenevertellsmewhat‘right’is.Thereisnostandardtoaimat.It’slikeshootingata

targetinthedark,withnoideawherethebull’s-eyeis.AllIknowisthatregardlessofthedirectionIaim,Ialwaysseemtomiss.”

5.Askforcooperation;don’tdemanditAskingalwaysbringsmorecooperationthandemanding.“Willyoumakethesecorrections?”arousesmuchlessresentmentthan,“Dothisover,andforHeaven’ssake,thistimeseethatyougetitright!”

Whenyoudemand,youplacetheotherfellowintheroleofslaveandyourselfintheroleofslave-driver.Whenyouask,youplacehimintheroleofamemberofyourteam.Teamfeeling,thefeelingofparticipation,remember,getsmuchmorecooperationthanforce.

Italsomakesagreatdealofdifferencewhetheryouputyourcriticismonthebasisof“I’mtheboss,andyou’lldoitthiswaybecauseIsayso,”orwhetheryouputitonthebasisof,“Here’swhatwe’reshootingfor,andhere’showyoucanhelpachievethatgoal.”

You’llgetmuchfurtherifyougivetheotherpersonaselfishincentiveforwantingtochangehisactions,thanifyoumerelyissueanorderthathedoso.

ItisgenerallyconcededthatNationalCashRegisterCompany,Dayton,Ohio,hasoneofthefinestsalesforcesinthecountry.RalphNegri,salestrainingdirectorforNationalCashRegister,tellsmethatthesecretofkeepingsalesmenonthebeamisnottopreachtothemaboutwhatthecompanywants,buttogivethemanincentivetowanttosellbetter.

Ralphneversays,“You’vegottodoplentyoflegworkifyouwanttoworkhere.”Instead,heismorelikelytosaysomethinglike,“Ifyouforceyourselftogooutandmakeafewmorecalls,youcanincreaseyourincometremendously.”

6.OnecriticismtoanoffenseTocallattentiontoagivenerroronetimeisjustified.Twiceisunnecessary.Andthreetimesisnagging.Rememberyourgoalincriticism:togetajobdone,nottowinanegofight.

Whenyou’retemptedtodragupthepast,orrehashamistakethatisoveranddonewith,remembertheillustrationofhowthemaninthetowercriticizesthepilottobringhiminsafely.Hetellshimwhatheisdoingwrongnowandoncethatiscorrectedandsettled,itisforgotten.Neitherdoesthemaninthetower“holditagainst”thepilotbecauseheonceactuallymadeabadlanding.

Itisjustassillyandineffectiveforyoutokeepdragginguppastmistakes

andharpingonthem.Employersarenottheonlyoneswhomakethismistake.Husbandsand

wivesdragupmistakesanderrorsfromthepastthatshouldbedeadandburied.Parentsdigupdeadissuesindealingwithchildren.Thisneverhelpstheotherpersontodobetterinthepresent;infact,itismorelikelytohavejusttheoppositeeffect.

7.FinishinafriendlyfashionUntilanissuehasbeenresolvedonafriendlynote,itreallyhasn’tbeenfinished.Don’tleavethingshanginginair,tobebroughtuplater.Getitsettled.Getitfinished.Buryit.

Givetheotherfellowapatonthebackattheendoftheinterview.Lethislastmemoryofthemeetingbethepatontheback,insteadofakickinthepants.

RIGHT(smiling):“IknowIcancountonyou.”WRONG:“Nowthatyou’vebeentold,don’tletithappenagain.”RIGHT:“Iknowyou’llgettheknackofit—justkeeptrying.”WRONG:“You’veeithergottoshowimprovementsoon—orelse!”

MEMORYJOGGERSFORCHAPTER13Rememberthatcriticism,tobesuccessful,mustbeforthepurposeofaccomplishingsomeworthwhilegoalforbothyourselfandthepersonyou’recriticizing.Don’tcriticizejusttobolsteryourownego.Andsteerclearoftheotherfellow’segowhenyoumustcorrecthim.

Memorizethesesevenmustsandbegintoputthemintopractice:

1.Criticismmustbemadeinabsoluteprivacy.

2.Prefacecriticismwithakindwordorcompliment.

3.Makethecriticismimpersonal;criticizetheact,nottheperson.

4.Supplytheanswer.

5.Askforcooperation;don’tdemandit.

6.Onecriticismtoanoffense.

7.Finishinafriendlyfashion.

PARTSIX

YOURHUMANRELATIONSWORKBOOK

14.ASimple,EffectivePlanofActionThatWillBringYouSuccessandHappiness

14ASIMPLE,EFFECTIVEPLANOFACTIONTHATWILLBRINGYOU

SUCCESSANDHAPPINESS

Mostsuccessfulbusinessestodayhaveactivehumanrelationsprograms—notjustlibrarieswithbooksabouthumanrelations,butactive,dynamicprograms.Theymapdefiniteplanstoreachcertainreal-lifegoals.Thentheystarttoworktoreachthosegoals.

Inthisfinalchapter,let’sgettogetherandworkoutapersonal“humanrelationsprogram.”Insteadofjustsaying,“Well,I’lltrytoremembertheadviceinthisbookandseeifIcangetalongbetter,”let’ssetupsomerealgoalstoreach,andstartoffworkingtowardthem.

Whetheryougetanythingoutofthisbook,now,dependsuponyou.Ihavegivenyoutestedmethodsthathaveprovedthemselvesinthousandsofcases.Ihavegivenyouknowledgeabouthumannaturethathasproveditselftimeandtimeagain.Butknowledgeabouthumanrelationsisonlyoneingredientintheformulaforyoursuccessandhappiness.Theformulagoeslikethis:

KNOWLEDGE+APPLICATION=SUCCESS

Youmustsupplytheapplication.

ThepositiveattitudewillbringsuccessFirstofall,alotdependsuponyourreasonforwantingtogetalongbetterwithotherpeople.Ifyoutrytoapplythetechniquesinthisbookprimarilyasameansofavoidingtrouble,orevadingfriction,youarelookingathumanrelationsfromanegativeviewpoint.Notonlyareyoukeepingforemostinyourmindtheideasoftroubleandfriction,andemphasizingtoyourselfhowhardpeoplearetoget

alongwith…justasimportantisthefactthatsuchanegativeattitudetakesaboutallthezestandchallengeoutofimprovingyourhumanrelations.

Yourcan’tgetveryenthusiasticoversuchanegativeprogram.Youcan’treallyputyourheartintoitifyoufeelthathumanrelationsisjustawayofkeepingyourowndesiresandegoincheck,sootherpeoplewon’tobject,orifyouthinkof“gettingalongwithothers”intermsofknucklingundertoeveryone,andlettingeveryoneelsehavehiswayabouteverything.

Humanrelationscanbringyoubothsuccessandhappiness.Youshouldregarditasaskillthatyouaregoingtolearn—averyrewardingskill.Youshouldlookforwardtogettingarealsenseofsatisfactionandasenseofaccomplishmentbyimprovingyourhumanrelations.Thispositiveoutlookgivesyouanincentivetoreachdefinitegoals.

WritedownyourobjectivesOnereasonwedon’tsecureanymoreimprovementthanwedofromreadingabookisthatwenevergetrightdowntobrasstacksandevenconsiderhowtechniquesandmethodswereadaboutcanbeappliedtodefinitesituationsinourlives.

Theknowledgecontainedinthisbookwilldoyoulittlegoodunlessyouthinkofitintermsofyourownexperience,andyourownproblems.Writingdownyourobjectivesandgoalshasbeenfoundtobeoneoftheverybestmethodseverdiscoveredforimpressingyourgoalonyourmind,andhelpingyourselfchangeyourbehavior.

Solet’snotlettheknowledgeyouhavelearnedfromreadingthisbookevaporate.Let’snailitdown,bywritingdownyourgoalsandobjectives,andbeginningtodosomethingaboutthem.

Ihavenowayofknowingwhatyourownproblemsorobjectivesmightbe.Idoknow,however,thatmostofuswouldliketoimproveourhumanrelationsinatleastthreeareasofourlives:Ourwork,ourhomelife,oursociallife.

Soinkeepingwiththeknowledgethatapersonbecomesmoreenthusiasticandmorewillingtocooperatetoachievesomegoalifheisaskedtoparticipate,Iamgoingtoaskyoutoparticipateinthewritingofthisbook.ThegoalIwanttoreachinwritingthisbookistohelpyouimproveyourownhumanrelations.ButIneedyourhelp.Ican’twriteinyourobjectivesforyou.IfIcould,Istillcouldn’ttellyouhowtoreachthemaswellasyoucan.Sohowabouthelpingmeout,andfillintheblankspacesonthepagestofollow.

MYHUMANRELATIONSPROGRAMINMYWORK

Mynumberoneproblemis:__________________________________

Pagenumbersinthisbookwhereinformationisgiventhatwillthrowsomelightonthisproblemare:___________________________________________________

Techniquesandmethodsusedbyothersinsolvingsimilarproblemsarefoundonthefollowingpagesinthisbook:________________________________________

DefinitestepsthatIwillputintopracticeimmediatelyare:

Check-update[oneweeklater]:______________________

Evaluationofprogressmade:[]Satisfactory,needmoretime.[]Unsatisfactory,needtochangemethods.

Inviewoftheresultsobtainedduringthepastweek,InowfeelIshoulddothefollowing:

Mynumbertwoproblemis:_______________________________________

Pagenumbersinthisbookwhereinformationisgiventhatwillthrowsomelightonthisproblemare:________________________________________________________

Techniquesandmethodsusedbyothersinsolvingsimilarproblemsarefoundonthefollowingpagesinthisbook:_____________________________________________DefinitestepsthatIwillputintopracticeimmediatelyare:

Check-update[oneweeklater]:___________________________

Evaluationofprogressmade:

[]Satisfactory,needmoretime.[]Unsatisfactory,needtochangemethods.

Inviewoftheresultsobtainedduringthepastweek,InowfeelIshoulddothefollowing:

Mynumberthreeproblemis:________________________________________

Pagenumbersinthisbookwhereinformationisgiventhatwillthrowsomelightonthisproblemare:____________________________________________________________

Techniquesandmethodsusedbyothersinsolvingsimilarproblemsarefoundonthefollowingpagesinthisbook:_______________________________________________

DefinitestepsthatIwillputintopracticeimmediatelyare:

Check-update[oneweeklater]:__________________________

Evaluationofprogressmade:[]Satisfactory,needmoretime.[]Unsatisfactory,needtochangemethods.

Inviewoftheresultsobtainedduringthepastweek,InowfeelIshoulddothefollowing:

MYHUMANRELATIONSPROGRAMINMYHOME

Mynumberoneproblemis:___________________________________________

Pagenumbersinthisbookwhereinformationisgiventhatwillthrowsomelightonthisproblemare:_________________________________________

Techniquesandmethodsusedbyothersinsolvingsimilarproblemsarefoundonthefollowingpagesinthisbook:________________________________________________DefinitestepsthatIwillputintopracticeimmediatelyare:

Check-update[oneweeklater]:________________________________

Evaluationofprogressmade:[]Satisfactory,needmoretime.[]Unsatisfactory,needtochangemethods.

Inviewoftheresultsobtainedduringthepastweek,InowfeelIshoulddothefollowing:

Mynumbertwoproblemis:__________________________________________________

Pagenumbersinthisbookwhereinformationisgiventhatwillthrowsomelightonthisproblemare:_____________________________________________________________

Techniquesandmethodsusedbyothersinsolvingsimilarproblemsarefoundonthefollowingpagesinthisbook:__________________________________________________

DefinitestepsthatIwillputintopracticeimmediatelyare:

Check-update[oneweeklater]:____________________________________________

Evaluationofprogressmade:[]Satisfactory,needmoretime.[]Unsatisfactory,needtochangemethodsInviewoftheresultsobtainedduringthepastweek,InowfeelIshoulddothefollowing:

Mynumberthreeproblemis:________________________________________________________

Pagenumbersinthisbookwhereinformationisgiventhatwillthrowlightonthisproblemare:_____________________________________________________________

Techniquesandmethodsusedbyothersinsolvingsimilarproblemsarefoundonthefollowingpagesinthisbook:_______________________________________________________

DefinitestepsthatIwillputintopracticeimmediatelyare:

Check-update[oneweeklater]:____________________________________Evaluationofprogressmade:[]Satisfactory,needmoretime.[]Unsatisfactory,needtochangemethods

Inviewoftheresultsobtainedduringthepastweek,InowfeelIshoulddothefollowing:

MYHUMANRELATIONSPROGRAMINMYSOCIALLIFE

Mynumberoneproblemis:________________________________________________

Pagenumbersinthisbookwhereinformationisgiventhatwillthrowsomelightonthisproblemare:____________________________________________________

Techniquesandmethodsusedbyothersinsolvingsimilarproblemsarefoundonthefollowingpagesinthisbook:_____

DefinitestepsthatIwillputintopracticeimmediatelyare:

Check-update[oneweeklater]:___________________________________________

Evaluationofprogressmade:[]Satisfactory,needmoretime.[]Unsatisfactory,needtochangemethods.

Inviewoftheresultsobtainedduringthefirstweek,InowfeelIshoulddothefollowing:

Mynumbertwoproblemis:_______________________________________________

Pagenumbersinthisbookwhereinformationisgiventhatmightthrowsomelightonthisproblemare:

_________________________________________________________

Techniquesandmethodsusedbyothersinsolvingsimilarproblemsarefoundonthefollowingpagesinthisbook:_______________________________________________

DefinitestepsthatIwillputintopracticeimmediatelyare:

Check-update[oneweeklater]:_____________________________________________

Evaluationofprogressmade:[]Satisfactory,needmoretime.[]Unsatisfactory,needtochangemethods.

Inviewoftheresultsobtainedduringthefirstweek,InowfeelIshoulddothefollowing:

Mynumberthreeproblemis:_______________________________________

Pagenumbersinthisbookwhereinformationisgiventhatmightthrowsomelightonthisproblemare:______________________________________________________

Techniquesandmethodsusedbyothersinsolvingsimilarproblemsarefoundonthefollowingpagesinthisbook:_______________________________________________

DefinitestepsthatIwillputintopracticeimmediatelyare:

Check-update[oneweeklater]:__________________________________________

Evaluationofprogressmade:[]Satisfactory,needmoretime.[]Unsatisfactory,needtochangemethods.

Inviewoftheresultsobtainedduringthefirstweek,InowfeelIshoulddothefollowing:

YourSelf-ImprovementProgramBenjaminFranklintellsinanautobiographyhowhetriedforyears,withnosuccess,toimprovehimselfandridhimselfofcertainhabits.Thenonedayhesatdownandwroteoutalistofwhatheconsideredtobehisshortcomings,suchasbadtemper,impatience,lackofconsiderationforothers,andthelike,andhepickedoutwhatheconsideredtobehisnumberoneproblem.Insteadofjustmakingaresolutionto“improvehimself,”Franklinmadeanefforttoworkonhisnumberoneweakspot.Hetookuphisshortcomingsoneatatime,andworkedonthemoneatatime.Theendresultwasthatwithintheperiodofaboutayearhehadovercomeagreatmanybadhabitsthathadbeenholdinghimback.

NowIdon’tknowwhatyourfaultsare.AndIwouldn’tpointthemouttoyouifIdid.But,ifyou’rereadingthisbookthatmeansyou’rehuman.Andifyou’rehuman,youhavesome“bad”habits.WhenIusethewords“badhabits,”it’snotinamoralsense.It’snotmyjobtotrytomakeyou“good.”ButIspeakofhabitsthatarebadbecausetheyworkagainstwhatyoureallywant.Iamtalkingabouthabitsthathandicapyouunnecessarilyingettingwhatyouwantfromlife.

Iaskyoutogetridofthem,notfromethicalormoralreasons,butbecausethey’relikedeadweightsholdingyoubackinthegameoflife.Getridofthem,you’llfindyourprogresstowardsuccessandhappinessmucheasier.

ASELF-ANALYSISCHECKLIST YES NO1.AmItoocriticalofhumannature?DoIexpectotherpeopletoalwaysbecompletely“selfless,”yetexpectthemtogivemewhatIwant?

2.DoIexpecteveryoneIdealwithtobeperfect,ordoImake

allowancesandtendtogivetheotherfellowthebenefitofthedoubt?

3.AmIwillingtogivetheotherfellowsomethinghewantsinreturnforsomethingIwant?

4.Everyonewantstoincreasehisself-esteem.DoIsatisfymyownself-esteembylegitimateaccomplishment,orbytryingtocutotherpeopledowntomysize?

5.AmIgenuinelyinterestedintheotherpersonandhisproblems?

6.DoInoticeotherpeopleenough?

7.DoIacceptotherpeopleasequals,oristhereaslighttendencytowardsself-righteousnessorcondescension?

8.DoItrytohelptheotherfellowlikehimselfbetter,ordoItrytodeflatehim?

9.DoIhaverespectfortheotherperson’spersonalityandindividuality?

10.DoIacknowledgerespectforhimandactinawaythatwillmakehimfeelimportant?

11.DoIassumethattheotherfellowwillbefriendly,andtaketheinitiativeinmeetinghimmorethanhalfway?

12.AmIcarefulenoughinmyappearance?Shoesshined?Heelsnotrundown?Haircut?Clothesneatlypressed?Nailsclean?

13.DoImyselfshowtheattitudetowardtheotherpersonthatIwanthimtoshowtowardme?

14.AmIagoodtalker?An“easy-to-get-to-know”typeofperson?

15.DoIlistenattentivelytootherpeople?DoIlistenenough?

16.AmIskillfulingettingmyideasacrosstoothers?

17.AmIsuccessfulingettingotherstocooperatewithme?

18.WhenIaskotherstohelp,doIallowthemtoparticipate?DoIgivethemashareintheprofitsiftheydoparticipate?

19.DoImakethemostofthetalentsofthoseworkingwithmebyemployingtheirbrainsaswellastheirbrawn?

20.DoIknowhowtousethemiraclepowerofpraise?HowlongsinceIpraisedsomeoneforsomething?

21.DoIalwaysgiveotherpeoplecreditforwhattheydo?

22.HowlonghasitbeensinceIshowedmyappreciationbysaying“thankyou?”

23.CanIcriticizeotherpeoplewithoutmakingthemangryorhurtingtheirfeelings?

24.AmIsincereinmydealingswithothers?

25.AmItooimpatientindealingwithpeople?

26.DoIalwaysgivetheotherpersonsomeincentive—somepersonalreasonfordoingwhatIwantdone,orgrantingmeafavor?

27.DoItendtoholdgrievancesorgrudges?

28.Doesmytempergetmeintroublewithothers?

29.DoIeverbragandbluster,orputonabig-shotact,inordertohidemyfears?

30.AmIeverguiltyofarroganceorsnobbery?

ItemslistedintheforegoingthatIneedtoworkonnoware:

Otheritemsthatneedimprovementare:

Referencesinthisbookthatwillhelpmeimproveonthesepointsarefoundonthefollowingpages:__________________________________________________

ThefirstitemIwillworkonwillbe:

DefinitestepsIintendtotaketoimprovethisitemare:

YOUMustWritetheEndtoThisBook

WhenIsetouttowritethisbookIhadonepurposeinmind.TohelpYOU,theindividualreader,improvehisownhumanrelationsandtherebygetmorehappinessandsuccessoutoflife.AndasfarasIamconcernedthebookwon’tbefinisheduntilthatpurposeisachieved.

Soagain,Ineedyourhelp.Foronlyyoucanfinishthisbook.Whenyouhaveworkedoutyourownhumanrelationsprograms…whenyou

haveputthemintopractice,andprovedthem,andcanwriteatthebottomofthispage,“Missionaccomplished,”thenthisbookwillbeended.

Iurgeyou,asapersonalfavortome:don’tleavemybookunfinished.Idon’tliketobeafailure,andI’llhavefailedinwritingthisbookunlessyoustepinandputtheseprinciplestowork.

Restingonyourlibraryshelftheycanaccomplishnothing.Putintopracticeinyourdailylife,theseprinciplescandoforyouwhattheyhavedoneformanythousandsofothers:bringsuccessandhappiness.

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