How Not To Win Friends

Never, Ever, fulfill your commitments. When asked why you missed the date, say “I thought the date was later”. When pressed say “We’ll just have to agree to disagree”

People like you are why they invented sign-off sheets

Make fun of people's names - for example if you see John Jones walking down the hall say "Hey everyone, its Toilet Jones!"

Richard works too

Whenever possible, try to take over projects when the key decision-makers are away, so you can make sure it’s “Done the right way.”

Extra points if you make the project slip because of your changes!

People like you are why they invented Gantt charts and change-review boards

Never, ever clean up after yourself - leave half-full coffee mugs everywhere.

Mold is your only friend

Make sure the customer knows that You’re smarter than they are.

Tell them “We know what you need”

Lecture on quantum physics during the breaks.

When other people show you their work sigh, and say “We really should have sat down and thought this through.”

Suggest early morning meetings to "get a head start" on something important.  Then fail to show up until several hours later

Nothing says “I’m more important than you are” like failing to show up to a meeting you called.

Always, Always, Always follow a compliment with a criticism

But you only get bonus points if you make them cry.

Be an agent for change

get all of your coworkers to change employers

When you have a problem, and someone offers to help, make sure you don’t tell them all the details. Then, when they solve the problem you can say “But that’s not the real problem!”

You had to struggle, so they should too, darn it!

You must ignore constructive criticism.

They’re just jealous ‘cause you’re so smart!

Deodorant is for suckers

Nothing says “I don’t care” like your B.O.

Tell everyone that the company is doomed and you’re just going through the motions.

And then don’t even bother to do that.