how can i live with my loss - accounseling.org...enemy” that will not be denied. death is the...

How Can I LiveHow Can I LiveWWith My Loss?ith My Loss?

by Tim Jackson

IIf we were to take a poll of the readers of this booklet,we would find that each has a specific purpose forreading about loss. You may have recently lost

someone you dearly loved. It may have been a spouse ofmany years, a child of only a few months, a loving father,or a trusted friend. No matter what the relationship, theseparation has been painfully agonizing. Perhaps youhave just learned that the cancer is back and nothingmore can be done. Or you may be facing the loss of a job, a career, a home, or a business.

Each person’s loss and suffering has its own uniquequality. No outsider can ever fully enter into it. I don’tclaim to know or understand the full depth of the lossthat you personally are struggling with. But I do knowthis: Everyone will suffer with some form of loss. No oneis exempt. And no matter what the loss, it feels like ahole has been torn in your soul that cannot be mended.

© RBC Ministries. All rights reserved.

The difficult but necessaryprocess of dealing with anyloss is called grief.

What Is TheScope Of Loss?

MMost of us think ofgrieving over losswhen we consider

dealing with the death ofsomeone we love. But if wethink of loss only in termsof death, we rob ourselvesof the opportunity to deal with the lesser losses, which will build up our confidence in God’sfaithfulness during difficulttimes. If we do learn togrieve appropriately overthe lesser losses in life,then when the emotionaltidal wave of grief overdeath does come (and if it hasn’t already, it will),there will be an innerstrength that will enable us to weather the storm.

Losses come in a varietyof shapes, forms, and sizes,

and with differing degreesof intensity. You may bestruggling with the loss of:

• your parent• your spouse• your child • your marriage• your fertility• your job• your financial security• your reputation • your youthful vigor• your usefulness since

retirementAs we move through

this sea called life, we leavebehind familiar waters thatwe’ll never sail again: thecarefree days of childhood,the feel of a favorite doll,the thrill of hitting a firsthome run, the excitementof a first kiss, the sound ofa first car, the pet we grewup with, the joy of bringingchildren into the world,and much more. As weleave these things behind,we grieve over their loss.It hurts to say goodbye.

We are all dealing with

2© RBC Ministries. All rights reserved.

loss. Sooner or later,the things we hold dear are taken out of our hands. Sometimes gently.Sometimes harshly. Butalways painfully. It is myprayer that the followingpages will help to make this journey moreunderstandable, bearable,and even hopeful for you.

How Does LossAffect Us?

IIf you start aconversation aboutgrief with some of your

friends, you will most likelybe accused of being morbid,of not looking at the brightside of life. But loss oftenbrings a pain that cannotbe ignored. It often brings us face to face with ourselves, with ourenemy, and with our Lord.

Loss exposes ourvulnerability. We like tothink that we are really incontrol of our lives. Death,

or any other loss, shattersthat illusion as violently as a bullet shatters abottle. It forces us to facethe mortality andvulnerability that wedespise. If we seem to besuccessful in denying theimpact of lesser losses inlife, then death is the “finalenemy” that will not bedenied. Death is the “fatherof all losses” that will notbe hushed. It demands tobe reckoned with.

Personal, painful lossforces a door open into thedeep parts of our soul,exposing that which we’djust as soon not admitexists, let alone face.No one willingly wants to deal with the loneliness,vulnerability, insecurity,and unmet longings thatloss causes us to face.

We believe the pain istoo big a price to pay forthe joy and peace thatmight follow. So, many of ustry to avoid facing loss with


the hope of controlling ourpain. Proverbs 14:12 says,“There is a way that seemsright to a man, but its endis the way of death.” Itseems so right to avoidpain in our lives, but byfailing to face the pain we lose the opportunity toexperience the joy that canbe ours.

It reminds me of a manwho came to see me forcounseling. His wife andchildren had complainedabout how distant andemotionally disconnectedhe was. As we talked, itsoon became apparent thatnothing, no matter howpainful or joyous, ever had any effect on him.He didn’t feel passionateabout anything in his life—not his wife, his kids, hisjob, nor his God. As Iprobed a little deeper andasked about any significantdisappointments in his life,he told me that when hewas only 8 years old, his

father had committedsuicide. He didn’t shed atear. When I asked himhow he handled the news,he dispassionately said,“That’s life. You can’tchange it. You gut it outand get on with it.” Asignificant part of ourconversation focused onhelping him grieve over hisdad who had died, and hisfeelings of abandonment.Instead of fighting it, hebegan to work through hisgrief and pain. And hispassion for life returned.

Loss eventuallymakes us better orbitter. We spend massiveamounts of personal energytrying to avoid facing head-on the dreaded agony oflosing something orsomeone we deeply cherishand richly enjoy. We try tobuffer ourselves from thepain of loss in a multitudeof ways, but often to noavail. The result of suchunsuccessful avoidance


is often deep anger andbitterness.

The husband I referredto earlier was angry at hisdad for leaving him and hismother behind. He was alsoangry at God for allowinghis dad totake hisown life.Not only did he feelemotionallyabandoned,but he andhis momwere leftfinancially destitute. It isn’tsurprising that this man’sanger was the driving forcethat motivated him to besuccessful in his professionat all costs. It was his wayof pushing away the pain ofa devastating loss that hedidn’t know how to handle.

There is a better way,however, to deal withinevitable loss. We mustlearn to put our pain towork for us. When the force

and momentum of a painfulloss is used to drive us tothe God who can be with us in our most lonelymoments, we will discoverthat there is a safe havenof rest in the midst of a

painfulworld.People whocan hearGod say, “Iwill neverleave younor forsakeyou,” arethose who

can then say, “The Lord ismy helper; I will not fear.What can man do to me?”(Heb. 13:5-6). When welearn the meaning of thistruth, we discover thateven if others abandon us,betray us, or die, we willnot only survive but we will also prosper.

Learning to have such faith in God will notexempt us from the sting ofloss, but it will provide us


with the resources we need to deal effectivelywith grief. It will free us to love again from ourheart. While knowing themeaning of sadness anddisappointment, we willstill be able to remainjoyfully alive.

What Is Grief?

GGrief is a universal,complex, andpainful process of

dealing with and adjustingto loss. Even animals havebeen known to grieve theloss of a mate or master.It is a normal andunavoidable part of life. InGod’s invitation to live andenjoy relationships withothers, we are also invitedto grieve their loss.

Again, it is important forus to realize that grief isnot reserved for those wholose a loved one in death.We grieve the loss of such

unsettling things as adivorce, the failure to get a desired job promotion,turning 30, an empty nest,or getting winded climbingthe stairs and realizingwe’re not as young as we used to be.

We especially grieve the loss of cherishedrelationships. The more we have invested in therelationship, whether it is with a person,organization, ideology, oreven a pet, the greater willbe the distress and pain ofthe separation. Thus, thedepth of our grief is directlylinked to the quality of the relationship with theindividual or desired objectwe have lost.

Early in my life, the lossof my grandfather was verypainful for me. For somepeople, the loss of agrandfather is not nearlyas traumatic. I have talkedwith individuals who feltvery little loss at all when


their grandfather died.But because of my closerelationship with mygrandfather and theemotional bond that weshared, his loss wasespecially disturbing. Hewas the man who taughtme how to fish, who tookcare of me when I was ill as a child, who gave mesummer jobs to help methrough college, who foundmy first car for me, whotalked me through abreakup and return to thewoman who would one daybecome my wife. In hispassing, I lost someone of irreplaceable value. Hisdeath left me with a reasonto grieve.

All losses have a way ofpushing us to take personalinventory of what we arereally hanging on to for asense of personal security.Is it God? Or is it ourability to control thecircumstances of our lives to make ourselves

comfortable? Losses forceus to look inside and seeways we handle our pain.It hurts to look inside andtry to understand why wemust grieve in the firstplace.

Why Do WeGrieve?

WWe grieve becausewe are living in a

world plagued bysin and death. We grievebecause we were neverbuilt to handle loss. Thatmay sound simplistic, butthink about it. When Godinitially designed Adamand Eve, He created them in His own image tofinitely mirror His infinitecapacities of personhood(Gen. 1:26-27). One of thosedivine reflections is man’sinnate capacity for enjoyinga relationship with Godand with other humanbeings. God saw that it wasnot good for Adam to live


alone (Gen. 2:18). Hecreated Eve so that the twocould enjoy a relationshipwith each other. In thatperfect garden environmentthere was no grief becausedeath and loss werenonexistent. Sin had notyet polluted the world.

Another reflection of thedivine image in Adam andEve, however, was thecapacity of choice. It wasAdam’s misuse of hisdecision-making capacitythat resulted in his choiceto sin and disobey God(Gen. 2:17; 3:1-11). Thebitter consequence wasdeath: separation and loss of the cherishedrelationship with hisCreator, who was his onlyvalid source of security. Forthe first time in history,Adam and Eve hid fromGod and from each otherbecause of their fear ofbeing seen: “I was afraidbecause I was naked; and Ihid myself” (Gen. 3:10). The

relationship between Godand man had been severed.Security was shattered.Life became threatening.

Paul referred to thatfirst sin when he wrote,“Therefore, just as throughone man sin entered theworld, and death throughsin, and thus death spreadto all men, because allsinned” (Rom. 5:12).

The entrance of sin into the world produced a groaning in grief. Thatgroaning is not only in manbut in all of creation. Paulwrote, “For we know thatthe whole creation groansand labors with birth pangstogether until now. Not onlythat, but we also who havethe firstfruits of the Spirit,even we ourselves groanwithin ourselves, eagerlywaiting for the adoption,the redemption of our body.For we were saved in thishope” (Rom. 8:22-24).

The innate longing for restoration with our


Creator, and the awarenessthat it has not yet beenfully realized, is at theheart of the grief we bear.This raw nerve of ouruniversal condition istouched every time wesuffer some kind of loss.All experiences with griefput us in touch with thiscore grief. It’s a constantreminder of our fallenness,that we don’t have thingsunder control the way wewould like them to be.

Christians are notexempt from this grief. Paulwrote that we who have theHoly Spirit residing within

are groaning internally(Rom. 8:23). The termgroaning speaks of deepanguish and mourning.Now, this is not a constantstate of morbid pain, but it is a conscious internalacknowledgment thatsalvation does not alleviatenor diminish the diabolicaleffects of sin in this life. Itis a groaning that pushesus to anticipate and long for the day when sin’seffects will be abolishedpermanently in heaven.But meanwhile, here onearth, we still struggle.

The image that Paulreferred to in Romans 8:22 is that of the agony of amother in childbirth. Oneof the aspects of the curseon Eve in the garden wasthat childbirth would be a very painful experience(Gen. 3:16). Anyone who has witnessed orparticipated in a birth can clearly attest to that!However, the pain of

9

mGrief is a constant

reminder . . . thatwe don’t havethings under

control the waywe would likethem to be.n


childbirth produces anoverwhelming joy whenthat mother holds hernewborn in her arms forthe first time.

It is the function ofpainful loss to remind usthat this earth shouldnever be the focus of ourhopes. We are sojourners in a foreign land and weare not yet home.

Can AnythingGood ComeFrom Loss?

OOn a hill in Galilee,Jesus taught Hisdisciples, “Blessed

are those who mourn, forthey shall be comforted”(Mt. 5:4). Blessing? Really?What can possibly be goodabout mourning? Jesus was primarily referring to a grief that is inresponse to exposure to one’s sinfulness. In 2 Corinthians 7:10, Paulalso wrote about grieving

over personal sin: “Godlysorrow produces repentanceleading to salvation, not tobe regretted.”

While Jesus’ words in theSermon on the Mount havedirect application for griefover our sinful commitmentto rule our own lives apartfrom God, I believe thereare implications for thosewho grieve over other lossesas well.

The principle is this:Grief over any loss canhave a healthy effect if itbrings us to the feet of theSavior. Our sense of losscan be good for us if it putsus among the multitude ofpoor people who came toJesus out of a need forcomfort, rescue, andblessing (Mt. 4:23–5:1).

In Romans 5:2-5, Paulunderscored the positiveeffects that suffering canhave on us: “We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our


sufferings, because weknow that sufferingproduces perseverance;perseverance, character;and character, hope. Andhope does not disappointus, because God has pouredout His love into our heartsby the Holy Spirit, whomHe has given us” (NIV). Weare to rejoice in suffering,not because we are gluttonsfor punishment, butbecause it is in the midst of struggle and pain thatcharacter develops andmatures. Grief over a loss,because it is profoundlycomplicated, calls on us tomake fundamental changesin our lives—changes thatwill either enrich orimpoverish us.

When we are confrontedwith a loss, many times wefeel unnerved and paralyzedby the pain. It’s pretty hardfor us to view a painful loss as an opportunityfor positive change. But it is. We need to face the

unsettling reality thatchange and loss areinevitably linked, and thatthey are unavoidable.

Much of the struggle we face in dealing with aloss centers in the choice to change. Loss and painwill make us either bitteror better. Character isforged in the crucible ofgrief and loss. God calls onus to use even the painfulcircumstances of our livesto deepen our reliance on Him. It is against thebackdrop of the darkness of painful losses that thegoodness of our great Godis revealed and experiencedin ways we otherwisewould never know.

It is important for us tounderstand the process wewill go through (or aregoing through) when we experience loss. Byunderstanding where wewill be going, we will bebetter prepared to handle it when it does come.


What Is TheProcess OfDealing WithLoss?

WWe must all learnfor ourselves that grieving is a

confusing and disorientingprocess that takes time.It is not something we get over, but rather it issomething we get through.Noted author C. S. Lewiswrote about his experiencewith the process of griefafter the death of his wifeto cancer: “For in grief,nothing ‘stays put.’ Onekeeps on emerging from a phase, but it alwaysrecurs. Round and round.Everything repeats”(A Grief Observed, p.67).

The Bible tells us that there is a pathwaythrough difficult times in our lives that leads to higher ground. Theexperience may indeed belife-threatening, or at least

it feels that way. It is theperilous path of the valleyof the shadow of death thatDavid spoke of in Psalm23:4, “Yea, though I walkthrough the valley of theshadow of death, I will fearno evil; for You are withme; Your rod and Your staff,they comfort me.” David

was talking about the times when God walks with us through our darkvalley experiences. Grief is one of those formidablevalley experiences.


In the valley of grief, where the way istreacherous and we are so unsure of ourselves,we learn to trust God.After all, what better option is there? Trustenables us to maintainperspective by walking “byfaith, not by sight” (2 Cor.5:7) as we go through thevalley. Otherwise we will lose our way and gethopelessly lost in despair.

We need a trusted guide to lead us whenwe’ve lost sight of wherewe’re headed. Only oneGuide is reliable enough to lead us. That Guide isJesus Christ. He really is“the way, the truth, and the life” (Jn. 14:6).

I grew up in themountains of centralPennsylvania, where I developed a deepappreciation for theoutdoors. I spent a lot of time in the mountainshiking, camping, hunting,

and fishing. Many times Iwent alone because I likedthe solitude. During thoseexcursions, I always carrieda compass with me “just in case.” But I really never used it. I used thetopography of the land to give me my bearings.I knew where I was inrelationship to themountain ridges andvalleys that I could see.

When I moved toMichigan, however, Iencountered somethingquite alarming. On my firsthunting trip into the wilds,I got lost in a swamp. I wasscared for a few hours,until I found my way out.Unlike my Pennsylvaniahome, southern Michiganhas no mountains. I hadalways oriented myself bythe mountains before, butnow I was at the mercy ofmy compass. I have sincelearned to rely on mycompass and maps. They gowith me every time I’m out.


They keep me headed inthe right direction, evenwhen I can’t see where I’m going.

In the valley of grief, theonly way to keep moving inthe right direction is totrust the compass and mapthat God has given us tofollow. At times it mayseem that the Bible, a2,000-year-old map, is tooantiquated to be of muchvalue. But the compass ofGod’s indwelling Spirit andthe map of the Bible alwayspoint us in the rightdirection. If we will butfollow them and keepmoving persistently andpatiently, we will getthrough the valley.

For most people, theprocess of mourning means going through aseries of stages. If we are to work through our grief,we must be willing to walkthrough the stages thatusually mark the pathway.However, there is a caution

to be noted. It is incorrectto think of the stages asparticular behaviors thatoccur for a period of timeand then disappear as ifresolved. Nor is one stagemore valuable thananother. The process ofgrieving is far from orderly.There will be much overlapin the stages of grief. Don’tbe alarmed. Expect it.

Some form of thefollowing stages of grief are to be expected:

• shock• denial• anger• bargaining• depression

14

mThe process of grieving is far

from orderly.There will bemuch overlap.

Don’t be alarmed.Expect it.n


• submission• reinvestmentNot everyone progresses

through these stages ofgrief in the same order norat the same speed. But weall move through stages ofdealing with our loss, andas we do we follow a well-traveled path. Many havepreceded us and many willfollow.

To undertake this trek,we must rely on God’sability to help us. We don’thave to make this journeyalone. He is with us, andHe wants to give us thehelp we need to face thepain and loneliness that lie ahead.

All grief is uniquebecause each life is unique.It usually takes 1 to 2 years for a person to workthrough a significant loss ofa child or spouse. The sameis true for a divorce. Theloss of one’s home, job, orhealth, or even menopauseor a midlife crisis—all of

these require a significantamount of time. So we mustnot be surprised at a slowerrecovery from loss than wemight have anticipated.

Don’t rush the process.God is committed tocompleting His good workin you in His time: “Beingconfident of this very thing,that He who has begun agood work in you willcomplete it until the day of Jesus Christ” (Phil. 1:6).Be patient with the processin yourself and in others.Deep wounds of the souloften require more time to heal than wounds to the body. But healing willcome. We don’t control theprocess, and that leaves usfeeling very dependent. Butthat dependence is on agood God whose love willnever let us go.

Let’s look at four stages of grief that we must go through ifwe are to live successfullywith our loss.


STAGE 1: Accept The Reality Of The Loss

What has been lost.It is critically important for the grieving person to begin by fullyacknowledging the reality of who or what has been lost. This initialstage of shock may lastseveral days or weeks after one suffers a loss.

A young wife hears the disappointing newsthat she will never be able to conceive a child.She will deeply mourn the loss of her potential forchildbearing every time shesees a pregnant woman ora newborn baby. This isespecially true during thefirst days and weeks afterbeing informed of her loss.Part of her process ofhealing will be for her to accept these feelings as normal and realize thesource of her sadness.

In dealing with death,

we must face the truth that the person we loved isgone. Even when the deathis expected, as during anextended illness, there isalways a sense that “thisreally isn’t happening; it’s

all a bad dream.” The loss of a loved one is atraumatic assault againstthe human soul, just asbeing severely wounded isa traumatic assault againstthe human body.

Shock is to be expectedat the news of a loss. It isthe initial defense that God


provides to enable us tocarry on under unbelievablecircumstances. It cushionsus, protects us, and helps us survive when it wouldotherwise be impossible forus to function under theemotional overload of grief.It should not be grabbedaway by well-meaningfriends or eased by drugs.It should be allowed to take its course.

Loss must be facedhead-on. Viewing the bodyof a loved one helps usaccept the loss. As difficultas that is, it keeps us fromdenying the fact of our loss. It becomes a painfulstarting point for us,even in our grief, to beginrebuilding our shatteredworld.

Denial is the opposite of accepting the loss. It isthe refusal to believe that a loss has been suffered.When a loved one dies, wepowerfully resist facing the“never-again-ness” of the

loss. Some parents deny by keeping the child’s room as it was when he or she died. A wife leavesher husband’s clotheshanging in the closet andhis toothbrush on the sink.These behaviors are notunusual. But they becomedenial if they persist forseveral years.

What cannot be lost.In the initial stages ofmourning, rationalexplanations are usuallyworthless. The soul is in too much pain to thinkrationally. As believers inChrist face their loss, ithelps them to rememberwhat they cannot lose:

God’s Understanding.The honest cries for helpand strength from ourhurting souls are heard bya God who understands ourhurt. Yes, He is touchedwith our grief. He knowsthe loss of relationshipcaused by sin. He felt thesting of death as He was


separated from His SonJesus while He hung on thecross (Mt. 27:46). He feelsthe pain of separation froma mankind He created toenjoy.

God’s Love. During ourwalk through the valley ofgrief, we can cling to thissimple yet profoundlysecure truth—“Jesus lovesme, this I know, for theBible tells me so.” It keepsus going when nothing elsecan. Scripture passages wememorized earlier becomethe bulwark against thetotal collapse of our world.

The tangible expressionof the depth of God’s lovefor mankind is seen in the incarnation andsacrifice of His Son: “Goddemonstrates His own lovetoward us, in that while wewere still sinners, Christdied for us” (Rom. 5:8).Whatever we encounter in the valley of our grief,we will be able to handlebecause nothing we can

even imagine can separateus from His unfailing love(Ps. 46; Rom. 8:35-39).When it seems that wehave lost everything else,we can know that we havenot lost God’s love.

God’s Presence. Comfortalso comes from knowingthat even when we can’tfeel Him, we know He’sthere with us in the darkvalley of our pain. The rodand staff of Psalm 23:4symbolize the Lord’s lovingpresence and protectionwhile we negotiate thetreacherous valley of grief.God won’t necessarilyexplain our suffering andgrief to our satisfaction.Rather, He shares oursuffering through Hissuffering Son.

Our Lord is a faithfuland merciful High Priest(Heb. 2:17) who has tasteddeath for everyone (2:9). Heis the One who said, “I willnever leave you nor forsakeyou” (13:5). His faithfulness


to His promise to be therefor us is the bedrock of oursecurity in an unstableworld shattered by grief.“If God is for us, who [orwhat] can be against us?”(Rom. 8:31).

Ask the Lord to help you accept the reality ofyour loss and to rejoice inwhat you cannot lose. Heunderstands and sharesyour grief. His love and Hispresence are with you asyou walk through the valley.

STAGE 2: Let Yourself Feel The LossChristians sometimes havethe idea that grieving overloss shows a lack of faith.That simply isn’t true. Paulexpected us to grieve overthe loss of loved ones. Thedifference between us andthose who don’t knowChrist, however, is that we do not “sorrow as others who have no hope”(1 Th. 4:13). What makes

grieving with hope anydifferent than grievingwithout hope? Hope givesus a glimpse into theeternal perspective of God and reminds us thatsomething better is yet tocome. But one thing is sure,hope does not lessen theemotional upheaval nor theintensity of our pain.

Grief is universal.All who grieve will feelsadness, anger, guilt,anxiety, loneliness, fatigue,helplessness, shock, andnumbness. Thinking will be confused and may bepreoccupied with death.Sleeplessness may occur,

19

mHope does notlessen theemotional

upheaval nor the intensity of our pain.n


along with loss of appetite,social withdrawal, absent-mindedness, looking for thedeceased, crying, carryingobjects that remind theperson of the deceased,and staying away fromplaces that are remindersof the loss. Do not bealarmed if some of these things happen. It’s ahealthy part of the grievingprocess because it helps usexpress our emotions.

It’s okay to cry.Some Christians feel they must maintain a stiffupper lip while traversingthe valley of grief. Theythink that somehow thepain of a loss has to be lessfor a believer. Otherwise,what advantage is there to being a Christian? “After all,” they say, “God’sreputation is at stake. Wemust uphold His name bynot showing our pain.” Sothey deny their pain andrefuse to cry.

There are many

advantages to being aChristian, but absence ofpain is not one of them.

Believers are called to bepeople of godly integritywho honestly face therealities of living in a sin-stained world, in sin-infected bodies, and in sin-marred relationships.Experiencing pain is one of those harsh realities. Ifanything, the Christian’spain is intensified becausehe knows better thananyone else how differentthings might have been if itwere not for sin. He alsoknows how different thingssomeday will be. It is that

20

mThere are many advantages

to being aChristian, but the absence ofpain is not one

of them.n


hope of a better day thatmakes the bitter tears oftoday bearable.

Jesus experiencedgrief too. Our LordHimself was known as “a Man of sorrows andacquainted with grief”(Isa. 53:3). He wept at the tomb of Lazarus (Jn.11:35). Those observingHim were not seeing an act of weakness but anappropriate expression ofintense grief over the lossof a friend He deeply loved(v.36). He was willing toenter into the pain of Hisfriends—even though Heknew that He wouldrestore Lazarus to them in a few moments.

Jesus also grieved overthe resistance of His peopleto His calls for repentance(Mt. 23:37). He experiencedthe intense anguish ofanticipated loss ofrelationship with HisFather as He agonized inprayer in Gethsemane

(Lk. 22:44). He describedHis grief this way: “My soulis exceedingly sorrowful,even to death” (Mt. 26:38).Grief indicates a person’saliveness and involvement,not his immaturity andweakness. It is the livingwho grieve, not the dead.

Expect a variety of feelings. Denial,distraction, and numbnesswill probably occur in theinitial hours and days ofmourning. Normally, theworst is over in 2 to 3months. If these feelingscontinue for an extendedperiod of time and inhibitnormal functioning in life,they indicate that theperson is stuck in one ofthe unfinished stages ofgrief. That person mayneed professional help to begin moving again.

If there are no outwardsigns of grieving, however,and the person keeps allthe emotions inside, that isequally unhealthy. Sooner


or later the person’sdefenses will collapse,usually resulting in someform of depression.

Feelings of anger andguilt often torment themourner: “Why me? Life isunfair. I don’t deserve this.Is God punishing me? Ifonly I had not gone thatnight, the accident wouldhave never occurred.”God’s love and His power are doubted.

Doubts, confusion, andambivalence are all naturalreactions to difficult timesof struggle. Job expressed

his anger at God (Job 10:1-22). Asaph described hisfeelings of grief and angerwith God when he sawinjustices between theprosperity of the wickedand the struggles of therighteous: “Thus my heartwas grieved, and I wasvexed in my mind. I was so foolish and ignorant;I was like a beast beforeYou” (Ps. 73:21-22). Even in this turmoil that was so unsettling, Asaph wascomforted by the fact thatGod was for him and couldhandle his anger anddoubts: “Nevertheless I amcontinually with You; Youhold me by my right hand.You will guide me with Yourcounsel, and afterwardreceive me to glory. Whomhave I in heaven but You?And there is none uponearth that I desire besidesYou. My flesh and my heartfail; but God is the strengthof my heart and my portionforever. . . . But it is good for


me to draw near to God;I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I maydeclare all Your works”(Ps. 73:23-26,28).

Don’t be afraid toexpress your grief honestlyto God. It’s okay to cry. Heunderstands. Jesus weptand experienced grief. Hewill walk with you throughyour jumble of feelings.Trust Him for the comfortthat only He can give.

STAGE 3: Learn To Live With The LossFacing a loss, whether it is a death or some othertraumatic event, bringsmaturity. Grief provides the opportunity for aperson to discover what his character is really likeand to reconsider what’sreally important in life.No one is ever the sameafter experiencing asignificant loss.

Richard Dershimer,

in his helpful bookCounseling The Bereaved,describes this stage as atime of “gaining perspectiveon the loss, the time whenthe pain is softened andreplaced by a sweetsadness. . . . The acutesense of loss changes at this time from a moment-to-moment preoccupation . . . toan episodic sadness evokedby special circumstances”(p.22).

Entering the valley of adjustment usually puts us in touch with ourdeep longing for securityand permanence inrelationships. We don’t everwant anyone to leave us.Abandonment is our numberone fear. Separation and loss through death, divorce,children leaving home, or job relocation calls on us toadjust. Three primary taskswill be necessary.

Accept your newsituation. We demonstrateour acceptance of the new,


though unsolicited, changein life by our willingness to move on without theother person’s help orcompanionship. Settingsome short-term goals is an important part ofadjustment. Returning towork, attending socialevents, starting a hobby are examples. It’s also goodto get back into the routinetasks of daily living such as cleaning the house,doing the dishes, mowingthe lawn, caring for thechildren. If necessary, askothers for help.

God’s promise of Hiscontinuous presence toJoshua prior to enteringthe treacherous land ofCanaan has been a comfortto many who grieve: “Bestrong and of good courage;do not be afraid, nor bedismayed, for the Lord your God is with youwherever you go” (Josh.1:9). Acceptance meansmaking decisions and

moving on. Life is not over.It will always be different,but it still can be goodbecause of the goodness of the God we serve (Ps. 118:1,5-8).

Actively participate in life again. The virtueof perseverance is bestlearned in the crucible ofsuffering and grief (Rom.5:2-5). Perseverance is the commitment to keepmoving in the direction ourdivine compass indicates,even when we can’t seewhere we’re heading.What we really believe isdemonstrated in the toughtimes. Those who perseverebear the scars of pastwounds. Yet they emergeintact, with a clearerperspective on trusting God when all else fails.They can say with Job,“Though He slay me, yetwill I trust Him” (Job13:15).

Maintain yourfriendships. Feelings


of alienation, aloneness,and abandonment areprevalent during thisperiod of adjustment. Thenew widow or widowerrealizes for the first timehow lonely it is to attend

a church that is focused on married couples andfamilies. No parent planson parenting solo. Butwhen death claims a mate,the financial, emotional,physical, and spiritual well-being of the familysuddenly falls on theshoulders of the surviving

spouse, who is struggling to stay afloat, let alone care for a family.

The best antidote foralienation is to begin toreinvest in relationshipswith other hurting people.The qualities of empathyand compassion are bornout of our own painfulencounters with loss.Those who look at othersthrough tears of grief havea perspective the dry-eyedcannot see, and they are uniquely qualified tominister to others in pain.

STAGE 4: Reinvest In Love The return of the desire to love again is the bestindicator that the stages ofgrief have been completedwell. Refusal to love againis an indication that we’reafraid of losing someoneelse. No one enjoys the painof loss. But a deepeningfaith in the One who willnever abandon us will

25

mPerseverance isthe commitment

to keep moving inthe direction ourdivine compassindicates, evenwhen we can’t see where we’re

heading.n


enable us to risk loving again.

Trusting in God’senduring love is the onlything that will sustain usin the tough times of grief.John Brantner writes,“Only people who avoidlove can avoid grief. Thepoint is to learn from it andremain vulnerable to love.”

It is inthis finalstage ofgrief thatmournersare able toregard theirloss as agrowth-promotingexperience that has madethem better people in theprocess. It changes theirwhole outlook on life. Thisdeepening awareness of the fragility of life andtheir place in it gives birthto a richer appreciation forthe beauty and importanceof life.

Share your comfortwith others. One purposeof dealing with grief is toinvest in the lives of otherswho need the same comfortthat comforted us in ourgrief (2 Cor. 1:3-7; Gal. 6:2).That is true to our callingas people who are createdin the image of God: to loveGod and to love others (Jn.

13:34-35;15:11-13;Gal. 5:13-14; 1 Jn.4:7-21).Griefreminds us that thisworld is notour home;

that we are just passingthrough.

Nicholas Wolterstorffwrites, “To believe inChrist’s rising and death’s dying is also to live with the power and thechallenge to rise up nowfrom all our dark graves ofsuffering love. If sympathy


for the world’s wounds is not enlarged by ouranguish, if love for thosearound us is not expanded,if gratitude for what is good does not flame up,if insight is not deepened,if commitment to what is important is notstrengthened, if aching for a new day is notintensified, if hope isweakened, and faithdiminished, if from theexperience of death comesnothing good, then deathhas won” (Lament For ASon, p.92).

But death does not have the final say. A greatday is coming when Godwill forever vanquish allloss. Revelation 21:4 says,“God will wipe away everytear from their eyes; thereshall be no more death,nor sorrow, nor crying.There shall be no morepain, for the former thingshave passed away.” Thatwill be a glorious day of

restoration when ourrelationship with God and our relationships withothers who have died inChrist will be perfectlyrestored. Never again willwe have to say goodbye.That is the hope of everybeliever who grieves overloss.

Enjoy living today.Until that great day ofrenewal arrives, allowyourself the freedom toenjoy life again. You are notbetraying your loved one ifyou laugh. Not all is gloomand doom. The joy of theLord is not something wecontrol or manufacture. It

27

mGrief remindsus that this

world is not ourhome; that we

are just passingthrough.n


is the byproduct of thepursuit of God throughobedient living and isproduced by the Spirit (Gal.5:22-25). Although life maybe in a minor key for awhile, joy will catch us bysurprise. When it does,

enjoy it. Begin filling yourspiritual photo album withsnapshots of joyful times.The Spirit gives you theseto keep you going when thedays are bleak.

Remembering what orwhom you have lost willalways cause a twinge ofpain. It will at times even

move you to tears again.But that won’t be all. It willalso increase yourappreciation for life andyour zeal for Christ’sreturn that would not havebeen possible had you notwalked through the life-changing valley of grief.

How To HelpThe Grieving

SSometimes well-meaning Christiansunwittingly trample

on a mourner’s pain byglibly quoting Romans 8:28, or by saying thingslike, “Well, he’s much betteroff now that he’s with theLord” or “We know thatGod has all things undercontrol.” These kinds ofresponses cut off thegrieving person’s feelingsand encourage denial of thepain he is feeling. They caneven be viewed by the onegrieving as being veryinsensitive attempts to


minimize the value of his or her loss.

Most of us areuncomfortable with themourner’s feelings. Wespend most of our lifeinsulating ourselves frompain. When confronted withsomeone’s raw grief, we tryto keep our own pain to a minimum. We oftenattempt to distract themourner from grief to avoid our own discomfort.But anything that allowsan individual to avoid orsuppress the legitimatepain of his loss will prolongthe process of mourning.This kind of “comfort” doesmore harm than good.

The church seems justas uncomfortable with griefas the rest of society. Butthe church should bedifferent because of thehope of restoration we allshare in Christ. The churchshould encourage its peopleto deal with grief in a waythat accepts the painful

reality of loss andencourages deeperdependence on Christ.Tears are an indication of one’s humanness, not an indication of weaknessor a lack of faith.

How we negotiate the steep and sometimesperilous terrain of our owngrief will greatly impactour ability to help otherswho are grieving. In

29

mThe churchshould encourageits people to deal

with grief in a way thataccepts the

painful reality of loss andencourages

deeperdependence on Christ.n


2 Corinthians 1:3-4, theapostle Paul identifiedthose who have beencomforted by God as theones who are qualified tocomfort others.

The principle Paultalked about in Romans12:15, “weep with thosewho weep,” was exemplifiedby Jesus when He visitedMary and Martha after the death of their brotherLazarus. When He sawMary’s anguish and pain,“He groaned in the spirit

and was troubled”(Jn. 11:33). He wasoverwhelmed with theirgrief. He felt the sting ofboth His own loss andtheirs. It was not only Hispower to raise Lazarusfrom the dead that deeplytouched the mourners, butit was the power of Hispresence with them andHis love for them. Imagineit! God weeping with youover the loss of a loved one.

As emissaries of thegospel of reconciliation (2 Cor. 5:18-20), we havebeen entrusted with theprivileged opportunity ofbeing the presence ofChrist with those who are grieving. Words areinadequate to express what the individual grieverneeds. It is the shoulder tocry on, the willingness tolisten, and the commitmentto sit in silence thatcommunicate the most.

We all feeluncomfortable with

30

mThe apostlePaul identified

those who have been

comforted by God as the

ones who arequalified to comfortothers.n


situations where we can do nothing. Those who aregrieving know that youcan’t change what hashappened. What they wantto know is, “Will you walkwith me along this painfulpath that I must travel?”

They feel abandonedover the loss of their lovedone. The last thing theyneed is to feel abandonedby others around them.They need true friends who will listen not onlywith their ears but withtheir hearts—those whowill reach out with the loveand comfort of Christ.

Practical support inlittle things is also needed.Things like taking in ameal, changing oil in thecar, cleaning the house,or providing a night out to dinner, babysitting,financial management, andcontinued prayer supportare essential for recoveryfrom a devastating loss.

Remembering

II went trout fishing withmy dad and youngerbrother this past year.

We fished in a streamwhere my grandfather andI first fished together 30years ago. He’s buried in a little country cemeteryon a hill overlooking thatstream. I had never been to the grave. Dad asked if I wanted to stop. I said yes.My tears surprised me.I didn’t expect them. Afterall, it had been 14 years.I should have been over mygrief. Yet, that day I came to realize that we are neververy far from the pain ofthose we have lost. It alsomade me aware of howmuch God in His infinitewisdom had chosen to usemy grandfather to touch my life with his life inprofoundly enriching ways,instilling in me a hungerfor his God. I have neverbeen the same. I’ll never getover that. I never should.


ADDITIONALRESOURCES

Lament For A Sonby Nicholas Wolterstorff(Eerdmans, 1987) exploresthe author’s experience ofgrieving over the loss of his son.

Living Through The Loss Of Someone YouLove by Sandra Aldrich(Regal Books, 1990) dealswith the author’s strugglewith losing her husband to cancer at 40 and thegrieving process sheexperienced.

Instantly A Widowby Ruth Sissom (DiscoveryHouse, 1990) is the author’sjourney through grief afterthe unexpected loss of herhusband.

A Grief Observedby C. S. Lewis (BantamBooks, 1961) is the author’sresponse to the loss of hiswife.

OTHER RBCBOOKLETS ONRELATED TOPICS

When Hope Is Lost—dealing with depression(CB973).

When The Pain Won’tGo Away—dealing withthe aftereffects of abortion(CB981).

When Help IsNeeded—a biblical view of counseling (CB931).

Why Would A GoodGod Allow Suffering?—keeping our pain inperspective (Q0106).

The complete text of all theRBC booklets is available atwww.discoveryseries.org

32

Author Tim Jackson is alicensed counselor in Michiganand works in the RBC biblicalcorrespondence department.Managing Editor: David Sper

Cover Design: Terry Bidgood

Inside Illustrations: Stan Myers

Scripture quotations are from the NewKing James Version. Copyright ©1982 byThomas Nelson Inc. Used by permission.All rights reserved.

© 1992, 2003 RBC Ministries,Grand Rapids, MI. Printed in USA.


Our mission is to make the life-changing wisdom of the Bible understandable and accessible to all.

Discovery Series presents the truth of Jesus Christ to the world in balanced, engaging, and accessible resources that show the relevance of Scripture for all areas of life. All Discovery Series booklets are available at no cost and can be used in personal study, small groups, or ministry outreach.

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