Helping Female Partners of Sex Addicts

Aline P Zoldbrod, Ph.D.www.sexsmart.com

dralinez@sexsmart.com

SASH 2013 Aline Zoldbrod .Ph.D.

• Helping Female Partners of Sex Addicts:

• An Interactive Workshop: Sharing Our Strengths and Achilles’ Heels as Healers (Forgive me!)

• Questions, Models, Techniques, Transference

• Let’s Share Our Wisdom

• How can we best help female partners of male sex addicts?

Please Note

• One focus of this workshop is to share difficult transferential feelings toward female partners. If this is never an issue for you, you’ve been warned!• Please come prepared to be open

and share.

Introduction

• Female Partners:Who leaves? Who stays? Why?And how do we, as therapists,

feel about the decisions they make?

The Challenges. A confession.

• Working with female partners of sex addicts is an interesting, challenging undertaking.

• Personally, more is stirred up in me working with female partners than with the addicts themselves.

• If you identify with what I’m saying, I hope you’ll come to this workshop.

Self Exploration as Therapists

• Which kinds of female partners are the easiest to work with for you, and why?

• Which are the most difficult, and why?• With whom do you most identify?• With whom do you least identify?• What or who are your best resources for

handling your difficult countertransference?

Brief Framework for Working with Partners (Schneider, J, Weiss, R, Samernow, C, JSAC, 2012, p.136)

• Holding and validation of her feelings• Concrete direction regarding self care, health

issues, talking to family• Education about addiction, disclosure, family

dynamics• Disclosure and Clarity• Social support• Structure toward moving forward• Hope

Review of Different Models

• Labeling • Co dependence? Trauma?• How about “structural trauma*” and isolation? * apz’s new term• The feminist perspective: Socialization.• unequal power/finances(Is there a way to help women whose socialization

has doomed them to financial dependency?Any brilliant ideas or case info?)

Steffens and Means Life Factors that Influence Trauma Severity p 59

• Amount of time married. The longer in the marriage that secret was undisclosed and unaddressed, the greater impact on partner

• Earlier life trauma• Behavior addict engages in (when risks and

behaviors are considered extremely deviant.)• APZ WOULD ADD: The meaning of the breach

to the woman’s sense of self.

Taking a Balanced Approachfrom Schneider, Weiss, Samenow 2012 article

• “Although we agree with the need to initiate treatment of partners using the trauma model, we believe that subsequently many partners can and will benefit from therapy that addresses their own relationship history, prior trauma, and the existing dysfunctional core beliefs. We believe that it is a serious disservice to approach the treatment of partners from an either or perspective, dismissing the traditional approach that focuses on helping the partner reclaim him/herself, learn how to set boundaries, become more empowered….as “ JUST another blame the victim” or gender discrimination stance. Instead, what we are learning is that both approaches are important.” p 136

We need to Boost Internal and External Resources for Her (a)

• Whatever model you are using to think about it, boosting internal and external strengths is a major part of the treatment.

• Taking Signature Strengths test helpful for some women in identifying internal resources

clients can get free: go to http://viame.org• Onion exercise (Zoldbrod, 1993 SEE NXT SLIDE)

• Butterfly hug

Adding Internal Resources (b)

Protection exercises

• Tigress image• Sensorimotor boundary strengthening image

Script for Resource Development 1

Therapist script: “When you think about this situation, what qualities, resources or strengths are you missing? What do you need? What would you like to believe about yourself in this situation?”

Possible answers: to feel stronger, safer, more connected… to believe in myself… to tolerate and master my feelings…to have better boundaries…to feel lovable

Resource Development 2

Sources for Resources:A. Working off prior success/mastery experiencesTherapist: “Can you think of a time when you felt

(strong, safe, able to manage feelings…etc)?When you think of that time, what picture

represents that quality, feeling or experience?”

Resource Development (3)

B. Using attachment figures“Can you think of any people in your life, now or

in the past, who possess or embody this quality? Think about friends, relatives, teachers, caregivers, therapists.

Can you think of any people out in the world who embody this quality?

Also: fictional characters, pets, spiritual guides…etc.

Resource Development (4)

• Are there parts of your self that you rely on ( your wise self, professional self, warrior self)?

• Can you see an image of yourself in the future, possessing the qualities or resources that you desire? Can you describe a picture of this person?

For all the good ones, install by tapping. #30

Big Question

• Who stays in unhealthy relationships, and why?

• Or, ultimately, who gets to label something unhealthy….stay tuned…

Family of Origin Experiences ImportantN. B.:Diagram on web at SexSmart.com/solving problems

FOO and Choices

• People with early deficits in the Milestones don’t make as good choices.

• They sometimes leave partners who are working very hard on changing and who have a good prognosis for change.

• They tend to stay in relationships which are dangerous or doomed way longer than people

with more nurturing and stable FOOs.

Who Often Stays

• Wives of men who make lots of money• Women with small children or many children• Vulnerable women

Who Stays When They Probably Should?

• Partners who are in good quality couples therapy and who are married to men who are

really committed to recovery.Partners who have a lot of internal and external

resources.

Countertransference

• When does it get triggered for you?

• How do you handle it?

• Group sharing (Taping will cease for this.)• If you have a great case, and you email a brief

summary to me ahead (dralinez@sexsmart.com) we can all share it.

Resource for the Therapist?

Robert Sternberg’s Love Is A Story , Oxford, NY, 1998 has different models of relationships which I found helpful for processing my

own feelings about womens’ choices.

Sternberg:Love Is A Story

• Sternberg describes 25 stories w narrative, cases

• (potential # of stories is infinite.• Readers can become conscious of their stories• by taking the love-scale inventories• “Relationships at their core are not rational,

they are stories.”p 222.

Sternberg on Stories p. 26

• “ the current list of twenty–five stories presented here represents a wide range of conceptions of what love can be. These stories are the ones that came up over and over again in our interviews, but there are likely many more (mostly unconscious)….”

Sometimes Dr. Sternberg’s labels are obscure or confusing, so bear with me……

Most Popular Stories Sternberg, 1998 p 223

• Gardener—most popular• Cookbook• Traveler

• Sex differences in four: art, collectibles, and pornography higher in men thanwomen;

• Women rated business higher.

Ϻ’s Most Popular, Ideal Stories (2) Sternberg 1998 p 223

Art p 102-108 One of my greatest pleasures is being able to enjoy the physical beauty of my partner

Collectibles p 96-102 Partner is chosen because of the way he or she fits into some overall

collection

Pornography pp 75-82 STERNBERG’S DEFINITION, HIS LABELING:

Story of debasement and degradation. Person either sees love as debasement and finds it difficult, if not impossible, to love someone without debasing that person, “ or else the person wishes to be debased.”italics apz

Some Common Womens’ Love Stories

See which, if any, ones of these trigger you….

❶Business: More Popular, Ideal for W.

The Business Story• Believe that close relationships are

partnerships, just like business relationships.• Believe that one of the most important issues in

a close relationship is the making and spending of money

• Whenever I consider having a relationship with someone, I always consider the financial

implications of the relationship as well.

❷Fantasy Story a genre story

• Fantasy Story (Sound familiar??)Prince or knight in shining armor and the

princess in search of eachother Once they find each other, they are supposed to live happily ever after.

How to Diagnose a Fantasy Story (1)

• 1. I think fairy tales about relationships can come true.

• 2 I think people owe it to themselves to wait for the partner they have always dreamed about.

3. I think near-perfect relationships are possible, provided you find that one person who is just right for you.

Diagnose Fantasy Story (2)p. 166 Sternberg.1998 Love Is a Story

6. I think fairly tales come true for some people every day; there is no reason why mine can’t come true for me.

7 .I like my relationships to be ones in which I view my partner as something like a prince or princess of old

8. I think the best relationships truly are like fairy tales.

❸The Sacrifice Story p 55

• One individual repeatedly and consistently makes sacrifices for the other. The giving of self is part of what drives the love, and the individual is not really happy unless he or she is primarily in the role of giver, not taker.

Diagnosing the Sacrifice Story

• I often enjoy making sacrifices for the sake of my partner.• I believe that being prepared to make sacrifices for your

partner is the sign of true love• I would not hesitate to sacrifice for the sake of my partner• I often give up something that I would like to do for the sake

of my partner, yet knowing that my partner is happy makes me happy.

• I believe a close relationship is not only about love, but also about sacrifices for love.

• Etc.

❹The House and Home Story (Sternberg, p

109-115)

• The relationship serves as a means to acquire and develop a comfortable and attractive living environment.

Diagnosing the House and Home Story

• An Object Story. P.109-115

• An ideal relationship is like a well-tended home• I feel the home we keep together is an

important part of the relationship• When I do things for our home, I feel like I am

doing things for my close relationship.• People who let their homes go find the

relationship soon follows etc.

❺The Recovery Story

Diagnosing the Recovery Story (1)• An object story. p116

• In a recovery story, the relationship is used to help someone recover from a trauma or other difficult experience.

Recovery Story (2)

• PERSON IN RECOVERY• I need someone to help me recover from my

painful past• I believe a relationship can save me from a life

crumbling around me• A great relationship would be one in which my

partner and I both could devote a great deal of time and effort helping me get over my past.

The Recovery Story (3)

• CODEPENDENT• I often end up with people who face a specific

problem in their past or present life, and I find myself helping them to get their life in order.

Recovery Story: the Codependent

• I enjoy being involved in relationships in which my partner needs my help to get over some problem

• I think a truly good relationship could mean the beginning of a new life for those individuals who have had to face unfortunate circumstances in their lives.

The Addiction Story:Diagnosis

1.I cannot imagine my life without my partner2. I would be a desperate person w/o partner4. I don’t think I could live w/o my partner5. My life would be meaningless w/o my partner’s love 7. I could not survive w/o my partner 8. I am almost totally dependent on my partner

for my happiness

• -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

• END OF STORIES

Structural Difference in Resources b/t Addicts in Recovery and Partners

• Addicts in serious recovery gain resources, multiple choices of in person groups, relief, community through SA groups, while partners can become increasingly isolated, shamed and depressed.

• --what are your favorite resources for female partners?

brainstorm

What are your best techniques and examples of women learning to undo the structural

isolation so they can get on with their healing process?What is your favorite resource for a female

partner who is disregulated and unstable but who does not need hospitalization?

Helping Her Assess How/Who/Whether to Add People to Her Support System

• Very tricky….• Some partners’ groups are better than others.• Dr. Joel Ziff tells guys whose wives need

support to ask in their SA groups: if sponsor’s wife is willing to be added into partner’s support system, she is someone who has experience with a man in long term recovery.

The worse her old trauma history is, the riskier it is to reach out

• You can use the Milestones model to get her to be honest about her experience with love, empathy, trust, attachment.

• If her early experiences were good enough, then the cost/benefit of telling selected people what is going on to have support is probably worth it, since she can stand disappointment without becoming unstable.

Deciding Whether to Tell Others: Tough and Risky Decision

Is the other person a gossip?Is the person judgmental?Is the person psychologically sophisticated?Can the person negotiate?Does the person already have too much on

their plate, so they’ll be swamped?Is the person more loyal to w’s spouse?Is there some little piece of this that can be

shared, as a test?

Science of Decisionmaking

• Research on decisionmaking has shown that when making a hard decision, you should compare only negative to negative

• (not positives and negatives of choice A to positive and negatives of choice B.)

Matching Resources to Partner

• Review: what kinds of resources/readings/models will be most helpful to each partner,based on her characteristics?

Sharing Bibliotherapy Resources

• Which is your favorite book for different kinds of women, and why?

• For example, Steffens and Means book has a lot of stories of women who are emotionally and financially dependent and who are very profoundly traumatized. Which is your favorite book for women who are independent financially and emotionally?

Sharing is confidential: TAPE OFF!

•Additional sharing

Potential e-support group

• If there is enough interest in this topic,• And you would like to be part of a virtual

support group, please email me your contact information.

• I will compile all the emails and contact each of you with the full list.

•Summary and conclusions

Contact information

• Aline Zoldbrod Ph.D.• 12 Rumford Road• Lexington, Ma 02420 (Boston metro area)• 781 863 1877• www.sexsmart.com• dralinez@sexsmart.com

A Few Resources• Carnes, S, Le e, M, and Rodriguez, A. Facing Heartbreak; Steps to Recovery for Partners of

Sex Addicts. Gentle Path, 2012.• Carnes, S. (Ed) Mending a Shattered heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts. Gendle Path,• 2011.• Schneider, J and Corley, M.Deb Surviving Disclosure: A Partner’s Guide for Healing the

Betrayal of Intimate Trust. Recovery Resources Press , 2012• Schneider, J Back From Betrayal. 205. Recovery Resources Press.• Schneider, J, Weiss, R, Samenow, C. Is It Really Cheating: Understanding the Emotional

Reactions and Clinical Treatment of Spouses ande Partners Affected by Cybersex Infidelity.; 19: pp 128-139, Sexual Addiction and Compulsi8vity, 2012.

• Steffans, B and Means, M. Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal.– New Horizons,

• Zoldbrod, A. Men, Women and Infertility. 1993. MacMillan.( Grief Diagram in Slides)• Zoldbrod, A. SexSmart: How Your Childhood Shaped Your Sexual Life and What to Do About

It. New Harbinger, 1998. Now iUniverse. She can download the Milestones model for free at www.sexsmart.com/solvingproblem.htm

Extra Sternberg info (no time)

Types of Stories Sternberg, 1998

●Asymmetrical stories:Teacher/student; sacrifice/government/pornography/horror

●Object Stories Either persons or relationships become valued not for themselves, but for their functioning a objects.The science fiction story/ the collection story/ the art story/ the house & home

●Coordination Stories Love is viewed as evolving as partners work together to crate or maintain something.TRAVEL: love as journey SEWING AND KNITTING:designing the relationship together, piece by piece;

GARDEN:carefully water and nurture; BUSINESS: act as partners to create a flourishing business; ADDICTION STORY:addict and codependent feed off eachother, basing the relationship around the addict’s desperate need for the codependent, and the codependent’s need for someone to be addicted to him/her.

●Narrative Stories fantasy story. Science story. Cookbook story.

Types of Stories (2)Sternberg, 1998

Genre Stories, to wit: 1War story fighting is good

2Humor story humor is good

3Mystery story like to keep secrets; keep ‘em guessing

Types of Stories (3) Genre Stories

• Fantasy Story (Sound familiar??)Prince or knight in shining armor and the

princess in search of eachother Once they find each other, they are supposed to live happily ever after.