Strategies for Managing Shame in Female Sex and Love Addicts

M. Deborah Corley, PhDSante Center for Healing

www.santecenter.com1-800-258-4250

Objectives

Review theoretical framework for shameIdentify maladaptive patterns utilized by FSLA to combat shameReview results of Women’s Sexual Survey on items related to shame and guiltDiscuss strategies for helping FSLA understand and manage guilt and shame in healthy ways

Affect is innate

Affect is innate – exists prior to and is primary over cognition or languageAffects have evolved to guide & direct our behavior toward adaptive ends

to cry when sadto assess limits when intruded onto smile/laugh when happyto seek out what is interestingto withdraw from what is threatening, to feel calmness & joy when all goes well.

Adaptive & Maladaptive Responses

Until feelings are made conscious, there is an ever-present want or need that physically feels bad or painful & confusing.Part of the labeling process for emotions is connected to what we learn to associate that emotion with. This learning happens within the attachment process and is adaptive. If we label it incorrectly or the original adaptive process no longer works, we respond maladaptively.

Shame is innate

Shame is not the same as nor simply the product of negative self-appraisalsShame is one affect, often paired with other affects and it is adaptive

Observable from birth throughout life cycleInitially arises from ordinary experiences, partially responsible for interrupting interest, excitement & enjoymentCentral to self-esteem, intimacy, & humilityOther factors influencing shame include attachment style (need intensity), temperament, sexual orientation, cultural/environmental

Facial signs – eyes down, head down, blushing

Nathanson, 1992; Wallin, 2007; Kaufman, 2010

Shame

Sources of shame are varied Shame is experienced developmentally before guiltBoth shame & guilt can be comprised of several other emotions directed at self connected to scripts

Shame, anger, fear, distress, disgust, contempt

Toxic or magnified shame progressively captures and dominates the self

Product of abuse, neglect, abandonmentContributes to psychological dysfunctionMay have body shame, relationship shame, and/or competence shame

Nathanson, 1992; Wallin, 2007; Kaufman, 2010

More about shameShame is the one way that we control others without killing them, but shaming can be deadly. Shame carries the greatest potential to damage the sense of self and is potentially the most important emotion to examine for addicts and co-addicts.Shame is ubiquitous in problems FSLAs present in therapyShame keeps the FSLA bound to her pain; it seems to be associated with every schema used to inform her behaviors

FSLA Shame Women’s Sexuality Survey

Of the 144 questions, went through inter-rater face validity process – identified 37 questions “experts” thought were related to shameDuquesne (David Delmonico) ran freq on subscale and re-ran sorted by non-SLA (200+) and SLA (108) to compare; created grouping based on mean, SD, of the non-SLA; anyone scoring 18+ (2 SD above mean) were grouped as high shame groupRan freq on demographics and subscale of affirmations

FLSA Women’s Sexuality Survey

Non-Shame Group13% feel bad abt sexual behaviors6.5 % ID’d as SLA22% TX for sex problm4% cybersex problm62% made <60K66% had BA or above24% other than hetero69% com. Relationship11% high need for affirmations

Shame Group59% feel bad abt sexual behaviors35% ID’d as SLA48% TX for sex problm27% cybersex problm75% made <60K46.5% had BA or above49% other than hetero44% in com. relatnshp75% high need for affirmation

Female SLAs through attachment lens

FSLA experience shame about sex (59%)Strong correlation between FSLA and abuse, neglect, or other trauma/attachment injuries

58% sexual abuse as child (31% non-SLAs)46% sexual abuse as adult (35% non-SLAs)

FSLAs have insecure attachment stylesEach attachment style utilizes one or more maladaptive strategy (withdraw, avoid, attack self or attack other) for dealing with shame.

FSLA have insecure attachment styles

Anxious: Feels unworthy, too willing to please, fearful of asserting self.

Overwhelmed by own feelings; hyper-vigilant about avoiding distance from others; fear abandonment – continuously scan for internal and external cues to amply their distressTrouble relying on others but filled w/self-doubt High functioning but often are enabling/over functioning in relationships or on-the-job (or in group); are seeking approval of others to verify they are worthy; get resentful if don’t get attention

FSLA have insecure attachment styles 2

Dismissing: Feels worthy of love with negative disposition towards others.

Learned how to be strong, self sufficient, best is never enough; Disavows own emotional needs; reports can’t feel or doesn’t know how feels; need to shut down or over-regulate the system; deny feel shame.To cope, focus on work; often misuse powerPush others away to avoid rejection or vulnerability and need to shut down emotions; uses patterns of

Devaluing: finds fault in all others – is expertIdealizing: had to falsely idealize parent to meet their needs so hopes to have mutual admiration club with therapist excluding group or partnerControl: selective inattention; anger to rage; shaming criticism to control others

FSLA have insecure attachment styles 3

Disorganized: Feels unworthy, expects others to be untrustworthy and rejecting.

Developed multiple incompatible working models of self, self as victim & reason for out-of-control parent – results in adult who becomes fearful of that which is supposed to give soothing and comfortFearful preoccupation with traumatic events, has reoccurring traumas and loss that remains unresolved; experiences life as on-going crisisEmotions are painful and intense – cannot process the fearCan be seductively cooperative early in relationship then is triggered and cannot tolerate the fear and distressIntense troubling feelings intrude, so communication is tangential, vague, incomplete, hard to followCan use both anxious/preoccupied and dismissing/avoidant attachment strategies – moves from intense emotional distress, to anger and chaos, to dissociation

Maladaptive Strategies to Cope w/ Shame

Withdrawal (Anxious; Disorganized)Aware of shaming event as negative and accept the shaming message as true; want to minimize exposure to shame so withdraw from attachment opportunitiesDisappear from social or intimate situations

Passivity, underachievement

Attachment style does not allow for seeking support or advice to help deal with the negative emotional state

Become more isolated and depressed (then have to “use” to cope with the depression and shame)

Maladaptive Strategies to Cope w/ Shame

“Do unto yourself what you fear others may do to you!”

Attack Self (Anxious; Disorganized)Self-talk about event is critical, FSLA experiences anger and contempt toward selfExternalize self-criticism

“Nobody likes me, every body hates me, I deserve this bad thing.”

Often results in reassuring comments by others but it is never enough

Thus pushing others away, FLSA experiences more shame, reinforcing belief “I am flawed”

Identifying with the perpetrator/domestic violence

Maladaptive Strategies to Cope w/ Shame

Attack Other (Avoidant; Disorganized)Use arrogance, demeaning, anger and blaming in attempt to project shame onto others to lessen emotional pain associated with negative message of shaming eventUse aggression, out-of-control raging, physical abuse, and critical verbal assaults used to take focus off self

Carrying a grudge or staying stuck in resentment for past transgressions giving self permission to engage in behaviors that would otherwise cause shame; carrying grudge

Justify actions with righteous sense of anger

Maladaptive Strategies to Cope w/ Shame

Avoidance (Avoidant/ Dismissing; Disorganized)

Denies the shaming event as legitimateUses humor, indifference, distractions (more acting out sometimes with cross addiction), dissociation to disconnect from the shaming event or block out emotional painMinimizes impact of shaming event on self or othersBecomes super-achiever in hopes others will forgive or forget the shaming event

Nathanson, 1992; Adams & Robinson, 2001; Elison, et al, 2006

In recent study of male sex addicts, compared with Non-SAs, only withdrawal, attack self and attack other were significant coping strategies.

Reid, et al, 2009

Strategies for TX Shame

Increase emotional competence skills;Educate - adaptive and maladaptive behaviorsID where feel/experience/project shame (or co-occurring emotions/i.e. confusion) in past and presentSafe place & black box exercise

Reprocess and reframe shame eventsRepair attachment injuries associated with shame (EMDR, somatic/body work, art, brain spotting) Reframe events of life story or time line

Using Safe Place

Everybody invite the client to use to technique when distressed

Establish eye contactInvite to remind you or self of where their safe place is and who is there to help themAsk the coach/resource to help them now “What would Jesus/your Grandmother/Rex The Wonder Dog advise you to do to calm yourself, to get a clear head about the healthiest thing to do here?”

Once calmer, ask how they managed to come down from difficult situationGood job – I am proud of how you handled that. You are making progress.

What happens in the black box (BB)? What keeps you stuck? Who pulls you back in?What would it take

to get out? Who could help? What skills do you need?

Who is the authentic you? What are the values you want to guide you? Who can help you stay authentic? Goals – Skills – Self Talk

Strategies for TX Shame

Define what earned secure attachment isDefining what earned secure attachment is

Secure: Feels worthy plus has expectation that others are generally accepting and responsiveHealing work in safe environment (relationships with therapist, group, sponsor, spiritual advisor)Who is safe to do work with? How do you know? Body work, Fierce conversations, Repair when disconnection happens (what inner-child needs/needed) Practice skill work within therapy, group, others

Authentic self exerciseRegaining equal power in other relationships

Assessment tools in handouts

Emotional Intelligence

Emotional IQ - ability to manage emotional distressEmotional skills include:

Identifying, expressing, and managing feelingsImpulse control and delay gratification

Know difference between feelings and actionsLearning to control impulse to act, ID alternative actions & consequences before acting

Reading body language, other social & emotional cues, listening, resisting negative influences, considering other’s perspective, understanding what is acceptable in a situationHandle stress & anxiety

Self sooth in healthy ways

Helping Client Understand Emotions 1

Regulatory Emotions Distress—anguish (sadness, sorrow, grief) Anger—rage (can lead to constructive self-

assertion) Emotions associated with attachment

(interest, excitement, enjoyment leading to attraction, tenderness, devotion.)

Fear—terror (flight, fight, freeze response) Contempt-disgust (when appropriately

directed at unacceptable behavior of others)

Helping Client Understand Emotions 2

Pleasure-Giving Emotions Interest-excitement (curiosity, enthusiasm) Enjoyment-joy (serenity, tranquility, peace) Emotions associated with sexual desire

(excitement, secure) Inhibitory or Aversive Emotions

Fear-terror (anxiety, frozen - paralysis of response)

Shame-guilt-humiliation (shyness, embarrassment, cue for changing behavior)

Pain (a blend of many affects including intense levels of fear, shame and anguish)

Contempt-disgust (directed at one’s own unacceptable behavior)

What blocks processing of trauma information?

Excessive arousal (fear and distress) blocks information processing when it overwhelms the developmentally available response organizing capacity of the person.The combination of fear and distress with shame blocks the information processing system creating massive intrusive associations, dissociation and instabilities in the central nervous system. (Either brake or gas is out of balance.)

Understanding Emotions - Anger

Defensive Anger (Aggression) Unreflective venting of angry feelings Loud tone, swearing, bluster to cover pain Anger split from positive feelings Little or no forethought of action Relationships often damaged

Adaptive Anger (Assertion) Conscious containment of angry feelings Quiet, firm, clear statements of impact of

behavior on self and others, clear statement of wishes (boundaries)

Anger integrated with positive feelings Planning of best course of action Relationships often improved

Understanding Emotions – Fear

Defensive Fear (Traumatic Anxiety) Attacking, thwarting of the self Blocked desire to run, unable to cry out or

get voice; paralysis of action tendencies Inappropriate to fear stimulus, exaggerated Continuing anxiety impairs general

functioning Adaptive Fear (Signal Anxiety)

Protective of self Able to run, cry/ask for help/set boundary,

or freeze (when necessary, but not forced) Appropriate to fear stimulus Allows general functioning to continue – can

use self talk to help self “nothing bad happened”, “this is a response to too much adrenaline in my body”

Understanding Emotions – Shame

Defensive Shame and Guilt Loudly expressed Experienced in the external relationship Leads to excessive self-recrimination or

blaming other Higher probability of maladaptive response

Adaptive Shame and Guilt Quietly expressed Experienced deeply within Leads to genuine regret or remorse Lower probability of repetition of act

Experiencing Affect 1

Verbally label emotion (TFJ homework)Describe the physiological experience when emotion is happening Measure level of disturbance, negative belief about self, what would like to believe and measure Describe how related to shame, addiction & attachment style; discuss alternatives to maladaptive response or acting out

Experiencing Affect 2

Guided imagery or EMDR to access emotion in previous or made up experienceDesensitize – graded exposure to feeling in guided imagery or most disturbing image in EMDRFuture template of experiencing the feeling in triggering situation with healthy responsePractice, discuss with peers, re-check levels of disturbance and self talk; support and guide changes according to attachment needs

Antidotes for Shame

Self-compassion and capacity for regretShame is internal form of punishment, when impulses are strongly in conflict, self punishing is only a temporary suppressor of the behavior. Patient must take responsibility for her actions (step work) and impact it had on others and self, experience the desire that it could have been done differently Grieve the past circumstance that caused it. Self-empathy leads to empathy for others.

Antidotes for Shame

Develop strategies for dealing with critical or shaming people; Distinguish between projected judgment and real judgmentBecome consistently authentic – accept and integrate all parts of self; resist the need to be dependent on external praiseBe clear about values and base mindful choices on values; practice humilityGrieve the past circumstance that caused it. ID lessons and practice forgiveness. Self-empathy leads to empathy for others.

Healing Sexual Shame

Keep identifying the shame and talking about itCultural norms and family rules, trauma impactThe partner’s feelings of betrayal and fear of not being good enough; impact of shame – keeping her bound to pain

Create more equity between partnersSaying no to sex – Sexual abstinence contractingSexual moratoriums

Replace having sex with learning about attachment & intimacyLearn more about own and partner sexual desire (Katehakis, Erotic Intelligence, pg 57)Exploring history of abuse, lovemap crosswiring & arousal damage, and impact of shame on sexuality

Beginning to explore sexual behavior againSacred space and time (Spiritual connections)Keep talking (both shame and celebration)