Healthy Relationships

2 How to Change Others by Rev. Eric ButterworthInstead of setting them right, see them rightly.

6 Putting the Five Love Languages Into Practice by Gayla CrumLearn how to “speak love” in a language your loved ones will hear.

10 How to Deal With Difficult People by Rev. Claudell Hefner CountyIt’s less about them and more about you.

14 Nonviolent Communication by Ann Scholl RinehartUse feelings and needs to resolve differences peacefully.

19 Better Me, Better Us by Rev. Ogun HolderHow a self-discovery tool called the Enneagram can open new doors to understanding yourself and your partner.

23 A Clear Mirror—The Ultimate Gift to Your Children by Annie Burnside, M.Ed.Tips for soul-to-soul parenting.

27 On Stepparenting: From a Stepchild by Paula CoppelThe tricky business of determining your step-parenting role and identity.

32 Love at First Sight by Charlotte Shelton, Ed.D.One career woman’s discovery of the profound joy of grandparenting.

INSIDE

Healthy Relationships

2

6

14

23

32

INSIDE

Healthy Relationships Introduction

Our constituents often ask how we choose the topics for these booklets. The answer is: from people like you who send in suggestions! We take to heart the topics that would be most helpful to those we serve.

This booklet, Healthy Relationships, provides tips, suggestions and real-life experiences involving relationships—personal, marital, business, family and more. As you read these articles, you’ll find a common message: Applying spiritual principles in your life can transform the way you relate to others, to yourself and to God.

Your friends in Unity

UNITY’S FIVE BASIC PRINCIPLES

God is the source and creator of all. There is no other enduring power. God is good and present everywhere.

We are spiritual beings, created in God’s image. The spirit of God lives within each person. Therefore, all people are inherently good.

We create our life experiences through our way of thinking.

4 There is power in affirmative prayer, which increases our awareness of God.

5 Knowledge of these spiritual principles is not enough. We must live them.

2

How to Change OthersBy Rev. Eric Butterworth

The attempt to change people is the greatest energy waste of all, not because people can’t change, but because change is a growth process from within. In most cases, the desire to change another person arises from the very subtle urge to make him into something he is not. This other soul can never be anything than what he is, though his potential may be seriously frustrated.

It is a perfectly natural thing to see the needs of people and want to do something about them. However, much as you want to change another person, the first step is not to set him right, but rather to see him rightly. And to see him rightly, you must get rid of some very narrow frames of reference. For instance, if you have an enemy, you must get rid of your enmity. If you are very much troubled over the crisis being faced by a loved one, you must first dissolve your troubled thoughts.

3

BE AN INFLUENCE

All the persons about whom you are concerned, no matter how much you love or hate them, exist (as far as you are concerned) in your mind, your prejudices, your concerns. Though it is certainly possible to be an influence for good in bringing about great changes, the process involves something you do within yourself.

Here are four ways in which you can be an influence through which changes may be effected in the life of someone you are concerned about.

First, pray about the person. It should be noted that much that passes as prayer for a person is little more than concentrated worry about him. Prayer for oneself is a matter of lifting one’s consciousness from one level to another. But how can you lift the consciousness of another person? You can’t. You can only lift your consciousness, no matter how concerned you are about someone else. And yet you can be a great help. The starting place is your concern. When you rise above this human perspective, you will begin to feel at peace about the person, and then you can whisper a quiet “Namaskar!” to him. This means that the divinity in you salutes and relates to the divinity in him. Feel good about the realization that, beyond the appearances, there is an allness within his illness, an all-sufficiency within his seeming insufficiency. How long should you pray for this one you want to help? As long as you feel concerned. Whenever there is a feeling of release and inner peace, the work is done.

Second, establish yourself in the conviction of the divinity of man. Practice believing in people. Instead of generalizing about the limitations of people or groups (“You just can’t trust

4

people these days”), look for the good performances of people and generalize them (“Aren’t people wonderful?”). One of the

most effective things a parent can do for a child, a teacher for a student, or an executive for an employee, is to believe in him and let him know that you do.

Third, if you really believe in people, you will find it easy to bless them, and you should

do so. When you meet and greet people, when you talk or write to them, let your faith in them flow through a “namaskar” attitude. There are many levels of consciousness in people and in ourselves. We can always make contact with any person on the level in him we choose. If someone rubs us the wrong way, we are probably reacting to him in the abrasive he-makes-my-blood-boil level of consciousness. Obviously there is a conflict. A large portion of the “good life” will open to you like a new horizon of abundant living when you really understand Jesus’ turn-the-other-cheek technique. We can’t control the actions or behavior of another person, but most certainly we can regulate what we react negatively to. When we discipline ourselves to turn quickly to a higher level of perception, we may be amazed at how rapidly other persons begin to interact with us on the higher level. All people with whom we have communication unknowingly and yet dramatically will begin to act more friendly and loving and harmonious.

Fourth, act as if the change you want to see manifest in another person has already taken place. It will give you a

5

sense of release from the pressures and pain in your relationships. Goethe said, “When we take a person as he is, we make him worse; but when we take him as if he were already what he should be, we advance him to what he can be.” Three dozen words that surpass a whole library of books on human relations. Certainly pray for people, but remember you must change your thought about them. Believe in people.

Hold to the awareness that every person is a child of God, no matter how he is acting. Salute the divinity within people, see them and deal with them in the namaskar consciousness. But most important, treat them as if they were already what you believe them to be.

IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD

Treat the alcoholic as a weak person, or the ex-convict as a criminal, or the young rebel as an outcast, and you prevent any effective communication, creating all kinds of blocks in you and in them. On the other hand, believe in the inherent goodness in the person and treat him as if it were actually there, and you will find yourself pushing all the right buttons in him.

In a very real sense, the only way you can change what another person is and does is by changing your thoughts of concern, and by committing him into the Father’s keeping.

Excerpted from Celebrate Yourself! by Eric Butterworth. For more about his teachings, visit EricButterworth.com.

6

Putting the Five Love Languages Into PracticeBy Gayla Crum

Relationships—can’t live with them, can’t live without them. We have all heard this sentiment in a variety of ways, but is it true? I believe our number one need is to love and to have a sense of belonging. We have come to this planet to express and receive love.

One of my favorite premarital counseling books from which my husband and I gained valuable insight is The 5 Love Languages®

by Gary Chapman. The author explains that each of us has a primary (and possibly a secondary) love language. It is our duty to discern our own language, let others know when our “love

7

tanks” may either be running low or abundantly overflowing and to ask for what we need. The five Love Languages are:

1. Words of affirmation: These are kind words that cheer people up by giving them a compliment, a note of appreciation or useful motivators to encourage action. Words of affirmation bring meaning and worthiness to people. By contrast, criticism tears down the esteem of those with this primary love language.

2. Quality time: This requires an individual to focus attention on listening, togetherness and the enjoyment of life. Active listening conversations, as opposed to fixing or advising ones, are ways to validate and support others in a relationship. This is an excellent spiritual learning process in which one identifies feelings, knowing they are neither good nor bad, but are just responses. Doing activities together, sharing interests, and creating memories are wonderful ways to fill the love tank. Ignoring or not making time for another can really injure a relationship and is the opposite of this love language.

3. Gift-giving is a way to express friendship through tangible symbols of love that can be purchased, found or made. They are not just for special occasions. People with this language are thoughtful—they send cards, flowers, gift certificates, cash and food. Forgetting one’s birthday or special occasion can drain their love tank instantly.

4. Acts of service: Doing for others is showing love in this language. These include pleasing

8

actions that take thought, planning, time, effort, energy and intention. The Bible reminds us that Jesus washed the disciples’ feet to show his humble love for them. Love is genuinely and freely given, not forced or manipulated. Demands are a block in this language. They may dam the flow of love and deter the goal of meeting emotional needs.

5. Physical touch is an imperative and needed language from birth. Studies have shown that touch heals and promotes growth. Tenderness is a requirement with this language. The brain recognizes pain and pleasure in the same place. Physical abuse definitely drains the love tank.

I have facilitated workshops in Unity churches and in a federal prison. A person can have lots of insights when he or she deter-mines his or her own language and the love language of his or her loved ones. It can be a fun challenge to speak a language that is foreign to you. Learning a love language is similar to learning a foreign language. By learning a new love language, relation-ships can be transformed.

Giving the right gifts is stressful for me. So I have challenged myself to be more thoughtful of others who have this language

9

and surprise them with a gift from the heart. My sons both have this as their primary love language. It is easy for me to give them a note of appreciation, but they like it when I include some snack or drink they like, or perhaps a new toy.

Acts of Service is my husband’s primary love language. He is a pro at doing for others. Whether it’s pushing a woman in a wheelchair around an obstacle, baking a treat for a gathering, or serving the homeless at Thanksgiving, his heart strives to give to others. Now my challenge is how to fill his tank with his own language of service. He loves order in his life, so I try to provide that through cleanliness in the home.

My daughter and mom share the same love language—Quality Time. I attempt to plan girls’ days with them for lunch, listening, knitting or play dates with other children. Mom fills my tank by writing and emailing me notes of gratitude and kindness. When I feel like I’m running a little low, I tell the people in my life that I need a word of encouragement or some reassurance that every-thing is going to be okay. In addition, my prayer partners remind me that Spirit is working in my life to affirm my highest good.

It’s important to know our own primary love language and to recognize how it can help us grow in our spiritual awareness. A 5 Love Languages assessment is available at 5lovelanguages.com /assessments/love. This Love Language awareness has transformed many of my relationships, including the one with myself.

Relationships—can’t live without them. That’s why I choose to make mine conscious and healthy.

Gayla Crum is a Unity ministerial candidate slated to graduate in June 2012. She is a wife and mom of three children living in Olathe, Kansas. She has a passion for family ministry and peacemaking communication in relationships.

10

How to Deal With Difficult PeopleBy Rev. Claudell Hefner County

We all have people in our lives who we may experience as difficult. They may be a boss or co-worker, a relative or spouse, a partner or an acquaintance. We may try to avoid seeing them or walk away when they are near. We may try to correct them or fix them, cajole or appease them, yet in our minds they remain difficult.

The inner distress we feel takes a toll on our bodies. Our behavior toward these people or around them may be less than desirable.

Often we wish they would just go away. But what we resist often persists; if we could just accept them and let them be, we would be fine and everyone could move on.

All of this has nothing to do with the other person. Other people may have no problem with the person with whom we are distraught. The reason we see this person as difficult may be that a part of us is triggered when they are around. A judgment button is pushed. It’s not even the person’s fault. Quite often, their behavior, visage or interaction with us reminds us of something in the past that has yet to be released and forgiven. The memory, often subconscious, activates our anxiety, uncer-tainty and powerlessness. Thus we push our own buttons.

11

Spiritually speaking, this person may be the exact spiritual teacher we need to take our next step in learning to love.

If so, what is the lesson? A friend of mine said that every behavior is either an expression of love or a call for love. We are born to love and be loved. Jesus reminded his disciples of the Hebraic teaching: “Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, your mind, and your soul, and your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:30-31, Deuteronomy 6:5, Leviticus 19:18). So loving the other seems to be our answer.

Let’s look at some practical ways to demonstrate love to anyone:

1. CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE.

There is no such thing as a difficult person. Each of us is trying to get our needs met. Every act comes from a higher desire—for self-worth, wholeness, attention, prosperity, etc. We have formed many behaviors when we were children in an attempt to get what was missing in our upbringing. As adults, these behaviors do not get us what we need or desire, yet we erroneously believe they are the only tools we have.

We need to remember that the core of our being—our essence and nature—is divine, for we are made in the image and likeness of God. When we see someone as difficult, we can cease resisting their behavior, stop judging by appearances and envision the humanity of the other person trying to remember their divinity. This change of perspective is what Jesus did when he prayed with people and healed them.

2. LISTEN DEEPLY.

In the movie Avatar, the Na’vi expressed their understanding and connection with another by saying, “I see you.” Jesus said, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.” Deep listening is the intention to be so fully present with the other so we can “hear”

12

their feelings, needs and desires. We make eye contact, and we paraphrase back what they say to check our perception and to let them know we are listening. For someone feeling alone in the world, having a person truly listen is powerful.

3. SPEAK EXPANSIVELY.

Our thoughts, breath and words often contract under stress. As we sense danger, we tense and prepare to defend or escape. We might speak in an accusatory, critical or demanding way.

When we are with someone who seems difficult, just the opposite is needed. That’s when we should take a deep breath and allow the mind and body to relax. Although we may need to set boundaries, we still engage in open sharing. Asking expansive questions invites the other person to sense our curiosity and interest, rather than feeling attacked or probed. Expansive questions would include: “How can I help you?

13

What do you need from me? How can we understand each other better? I want to hear your experience of the situation.”

Speaking expansively also invites us to share what we are experi-encing. “Coming from my perspective” … “In my observation” … “From my point of view” ... “In my experience.” In this way, we take responsibility for our own perspective and stop blaming, judging and demanding the other person to be different. This changes the synergy between us and is helpful.

4. RADIATE AND WITNESS.

Our change of perspectives and willingness to be present for others goes a long way in improving our experiences with people we find difficult. Prayer and meditation, done with willingness and faith, offer profound ways to bless others and us. One method for blessing someone I call radiating because when we go into meditation, we can send love, light and peace to others through our connection with Spirit within. The other method I call witnessing because in meditation, we can perceive from a spiritual perspective the merging of the human self and the divine nature of the person.

5. BE GRATEFUL.

There is no difficult person. The sense of difficulty is within us. When we cease judging by appearances, we create the oppor-tunity to grow in love. When we see things rightly, we set things right. Changes happen in us and in others. Guidance for further actions comes easily and clearly, and peace is restored.

In Truth we are one—made of the same divine Essence—and returning to love. Thank You, Spirit.

Claudell Hefner County has been a Unity minister for more than 27 years and currently teaches Ministry Studies and Skills at Unity Institute® and Seminary.

14

Nonviolent CommunicationBy Ann Scholl Rinehart

Lori Woodley, an avid student of Marshall Rosenberg’s non violent communication, calls it the “ping”: the “aha” moment when people become aware of the needs they are trying to fulfill when they are in conflict.

“Witnessing that moment of clarity is what I live for,” says Woodley, a Unity minister who also teaches nonviolent commu-nication, often referred to as NVC. “That’s the gift of NVC—when others connect in that way. To me, that’s God.”

In his book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion (PuddleDancer Press, 2002), Rosenberg explains: “Nonviolent communication is a way of speaking that facilitates the flow of communication needed to exchange information and resolve differences peacefully.”

15

It is based, he writes, on the premise that:

• We are all simply trying to get our needs met.

• We fare better if we know how to get these needs met through cooperation rather than aggression.

• People naturally enjoy contributing to the well-being of others when they can do so willingly.

Rosenberg uses the term “nonviolence,” as Mahatma Gandhi did, “to refer to our natural state of compassion when violence has subsided from the heart.” He writes:

“While we may not consider the way we talk to be ‘violent,’ our words often lead to hurt and pain, whether for ourselves or others.”

Nonviolent communication comprises four components: obser-vation (the actions we observe); feeling (how we feel in relation to what we’re observing); needs (values, desires, etc., that prompt our feelings); and requests (the actions we request that will enrich our lives), according to Rosenberg.

In conversation, they work together this way, as one expresses himself or herself: “When I see/hear _________, I feel ________ because I need/value _______. Would you be willing to ______?” Or, in responding to others, the flow would be: “When you hear/see ______, you feel _____ because you need/value _________. Would you like________?”

As an example of how she has used nonviolent communication in her own life, Woodley shares a story of a recent interaction with a family member who began talking about a relative who wasn’t present. Woodley could have joined in and talked about the relative or judged the behavior. Instead, she used NVC to help her family member arrive at what was behind the behavior,

16

which was a feeling of concern and a need for harmony in the family. The “aha” moment came at that point, she says.

John Kinyon, a leading trainer of the Center for Nonviolent Communication and a co-founder of the Bay Area NVC organi-zation, says when he discovered nonviolent communication, “I just remember that sense of time standing still, that sense that, ‘This is it. This is what I’ve been looking for.’” Kinyon had graduated with a master’s degree in psychology and was searching for a way to combine his education and experience with Gandhi’s work in nonviolence as a means to social change. That’s when he attended a conference where Rosenberg delivered the keynote address. Kinyon became an NVC trainer in 2000. He has mediated conflicts, from couples to families, businesses to universities. In 2002, he even did work with Afghan tribal elders along the Pakistani border.

Nonviolent communication, Kinyon says, can be used in many different ways—and it can be learned by anyone. Unity minister

17

Kelly Isola, host of the Unity Online Radio program Spiraling Consciousness (www.unity.fm/program/Consciousness), says “a light turned on” when she took a nonviolent communication class at Unity Institute. Through it, she expanded her “capacity to be a compassionate being in the world,” even coming to a place of compassion for the schoolteacher who molested her as a child.

“If I can find empathy for this person, if I can do that, anybody can do that,” she says. “There’s tremendous hope for the entire world because I’m not that special.”

J. Kendel Johnson, music director at Unity Church of Arlington, Texas, has been a student of nonviolent communication since 2002. He recalls seeing its power after encountering a former close friend years after she “did something I judged ‘unthinkable.’” When he saw her, he felt calm and delight. “I immediately felt something had changed with her,” he says. He would learn that she had just returned from training with Rosenberg. His friend’s “shift in consciousness” through the training had even impacted Johnson.

“My heart was instantly opened to compassion as well,” he says. Her shift in consciousness took them both “beyond the judgments of wrong and right and, therefore, any need to forgive.”

He says nonviolent communication is not a “magic recipe for instant connection, harmony and cooperation” but a “profound spiritual practice that supports me in embodying and living from the spiritual principles I value most dearly and deeply.”

“It’s contagious, intoxicating and habit-forming once you experience it.”

Unity Minister Raymond Nelson of Minneapolis, Minnesota, uses nonviolent communication in pastoral counseling and

18

in conflict resolution. People who are new to NVC may feel uncomfortable at first.

“It can be difficult to personalize everything to a feeling and a need,” Nelson says. It can also seem “self-indulgent” when a person realizes they are reacting to an unmet need. Making requests versus making demands also takes time to learn, he

adds. But, Nelson says, it’s worth continuing with NVC if “you really want to communicate and connect with others effectively and at an ever-deepening level.”

Adopting nonviolent communication has been “huge in my life,” says Terry Murray, who is attending both Unity Institute® and Seminary and Ottawa University. “I am passionate about it because it works,” she says. “I believe that many of us live from unexamined motives and beliefs and that NVC offers us a path to examine them while connecting more deeply with others. That’s how I use it in my life.”

Ann Scholl Rinehart is a freelance writer and photographer as well as an intuitive Reiki practitioner.

19

Better Me, Better UsBy Rev. Ogun Holder

When I proposed to my wife Jennifer, I was a 24-year-old college senior. Her response? Get a job and figure out who you are. She had a point, but I was persistent ... in a charmingly romantic way, of course. She eventually said yes, and I got the job, but as for figuring out who I was, I’m still doing that. We both are, as individuals, as a couple, and as a family. And if there’s anything we’ve learned during the past 13 years of marriage, it’s that the greatest gift we can give each other is the best of us. So many of us strive to be the best at what we do, often neglecting to discover the best of who we are. The greatest work we can do for our relationships is to work on discovering the best of ourselves and sharing that with our partners.

Perhaps the most impactful self-discovery tool that enhanced our relationship was the Enneagram. It was more than a personality assessment. It taught us how we viewed the world and ultimately each other. It gave us tremendous insights into how we developed our behaviors. It revealed aspects of ourselves that we didn’t know existed. It explained why I would retreat

Excerpt from “Who Are You Really?” by Robert Brumet, Unity Magazine®, July/August 2011.

ENNEAGRAM

The Enneagram, a nine-sided figure, is a powerful spiritual tool that can aid in the devel-opment of self-awareness, peace of mind and greater compassion for yourself and others. Its history is obscure, but it’s generally believed to have originated in the ancient Sufi traditions. Within the past century, it has been modified, refined and rediscovered in the Western world.

The unique feature of the Enneagram is that it categorizes the personality into nine basic types, thus providing a more individu-alized approach to self-discovery. By determining our person-ality type, we begin to see how we have “fallen asleep” to our true nature and how we have identified with the personality. The Enneagram is like a navigational guide that shows us where we have made a wrong turn, then guides us back on course. It shows us the most direct path to personal growth and spiritual awakening.

20

and shut down in the face of conflict rather than endeavor to stay connected. More importantly, it provided a path to balance and wholeness that allowed us to see our differences as gifts, not sources of contention. It helped us to develop a deeper appreciation for each other. It equipped us to love without conditions.

21

According to the Enneagram, there are nine types or styles that exist within us to varying degrees, and we tend to live mainly from one. It’s really more like nine paradigms through which we view the world. I am a type Nine, Jennifer is a type One. Type Nines want to make the world a more peaceful place. We have the ability to see all sides of a situation and find the common ground. We dislike conflict, and in a misguided effort to keep peace, we will sometimes make our own desires less important than anyone else’s. Type Ones want to make the world a better place. They have high standards of excellence, striving to make sure things are done with honesty and fairness. They can be impatient when others settle for mediocrity, and they tend to put more pressure on themselves to be good than anyone else.

Before our exposure to the Enneagram, we would see some of each other’s traits negatively, using them as evidence to justify our own righteousness. It doesn’t take an experienced relationship counselor to see that this was a recipe for disaster. The Enneagram taught me that, as an unhealthy Nine, my tendency to withdraw in the face of conflict was feeding my sense of dissatisfaction and driving a wedge between us. It showed me how to get in touch with my latent creative energy and inspire myself. It also empowered me to take a gentle stand for my authentic needs and not lose myself in those of others.

Working with the Enneagram got me in touch with anger issues I had previously denied. I wasn’t the explosive type and saw myself as the standard bearer of “go with the flow.” What I was doing instead was squelching my anger because peace-makers don’t create conflict, or so I erroneously believed. My anger would seep out as I quietly seethed and sulked for days, becoming a passive-aggressive monster along the way. It was slowly eroding my enthusiasm for life, my self-confidence, my calm center, and our relationship.

22

As our attention shifted to developing the healthier attributes of our Types, a profound shift began to happen in our relationship. I saw that Jen’s wish for me was to be successful and embrace the grand vision of myself that she saw in me from the day we met. She was able to connect with my desire to fully embrace the present moment and see the good in what was before us.

As we learned more about ourselves, we were able to share the better parts of ourselves with each other. Rather than just seeing ourselves as two individuals in a marriage, we were now partners on a team that supported the growth and discovery of each other. As we learned more about each other’s styles, we approached our disagreements much more compassionately. We truly under-stood why the other’s perspective was important to them beyond needing to be right. We could see the genuine motivation behind the other’s point of view and how we could bring our own style into the mutual desire to find middle ground.

I used to think Jennifer and I were from different planets when it came to being in a relationship. It seemed like we just weren’t speaking the same language. I know now it was less about the speaking and more about the way each of us was listening. We’ve learned to become aware of when we’re only listening and seeing and being from a single paradigm. We now have the tools (nine to be exact) to better place ourselves in the other’s shoes. We are now equipped to know ourselves better, and when we’re better individually, we’re better together. Better me, better us.

Rev. Ogun Holder is the senior minister and executive director of the alternative ministry, Unity For All. This article is an excerpt from his book Rants to Revelations (Unity Books, due for release in 2012). Ogun is married to Rev. Jennifer Holder, and they are the proud parents of one daughter, Joy. He is an author, radio show host, blogger and musician. Learn more at ogunholder.com and unityforall.org.

23

A Clear Mirror—The Ultimate Gift to Your ChildrenBy Annie Burnside, M.Ed.

Many of us tend to look immediately and understandably out-side ourselves for expert answers when things go awry with our children. We’re always in search of the perfect parenting strate-gies, behavioral tips and general tools to be the best head hon-chos we can be.

It has become more apparent to me with each passing year that, in actuality, the greatest gift we could ever offer our children is so simple. (Well, not exactly simple, but simply put.)

Truly, the mother of all gifts, the gem underneath the outer wrappings, is the gift of being a clear mirror for our children,

24

offering them the best possible means to succeed as a whole, self-aware and joyous human being with the capacity to ignite their highest potential. Let me explain ...

Most of us parenting today have a truckload of baggage—not so pretty, but quite useful to uncover—mounds of psychic debris hidden away within our interior. In other words, right under-neath the surface of our lovely physical masks and human suits lie some often not-so-lovely lurking beliefs, patterns, perspec-tives, wounds and general imprints that no longer serve our highest good, much less the highest good of our beloved chil-dren. Unknowingly, and therefore, unintentionally, we offer these very heavy and dense “gifts” to our children simply by being in their presence.

As we are all mirrors for one another, literally reflecting back aspects of each other’s inner landscape through our own energy field, imagine all that is occurring energetically in the parent/child relationship due to proximity and intimacy. Without our

25

10 TIPS FOR SOUL-TO-SOUL PARENTING

By Annie Burnside, M.Ed.

1. Use everyday life—such as friendships, nature, mealtimes, music, movies and much more—as the perfect curriculum and forum to teach your children powerful, universal principles —such as connectedness, self-love, presence and forgiveness.

2. Teach your children to allow multiple perspectives in all life situa-tions and relationships by “flipping” challenges into positive, learning opportunities.

3. Train your children to be more conscious of thoughts, words and deeds so they can assume greater responsibility for shaping their own realities.

4. Encourage compassion, empathy and gratitude in your children on a daily basis by making them the most-used words in your home.

5. Turn the JOY in family life way up by singing, dancing, smiling, humming, laughing and relaxing rigid perspectives as often as possible through openness and gratitude.

6. Model authenticity by speaking and living your truth, thereby giving your children permission to do the same.

7. Show your spirit daily so that your children can witness multiple aspects of you, and in turn, see multiple aspects of themselves.

8. Teach your children that they are intuitive, creative, eternal spiritual beings—much larger than simply their physical form—and filled with infinite possibility and the capacity for direct divine connection.

9. Help your children understand that an appreciation for life in the present moment, coupled with enthusiasm for their future, plants the necessary seeds for manifesting their true heart’s desires.

10. Provide the space and opportunity for your children to focus on their interior worlds as much as their exterior worlds, allowing greater intimacy with the voice of their own souls to feel what resonates as truth for them.

26

being fully conscious of what is occurring, the natural mirror that many of us lovingly offer our children is actually a blurry, grey, cracked mirror that cannot possibly reflect back to them the whole, luminous, creative and powerful being they are simply by birthright.

It has been my experience, as well as the experiences of many of my teachers and students, that working from the inside out toward our own magnificent wholeness gifts our children with more than any pedagogical method, behavior modification sys-tem, or well-meaning disciplinary action ever could. While some of these tools may be necessary at times, especially when the parent first initiates a self-healing path, all the inner work we do for ourselves we also do for our children, and even beyond that, for the world.

As we move deeper into the 21st century, our perspectives are expanding at lightning speed. Eventually, responsibility for the energy we emanate will become even more evident as we learn how this energy matters more than we ever imagined possible. We will want to be sure that we are dialed into our favorite “ra-dio” station for our children’s benefit—the energy frequency ooz-ing from us that offers the best possible reflection of their true nature right back to them at every turn …

Your own path to awakening—the inner work for creating a clear mirror—just might be the true and lasting gift for your child.

Annie Burnside, M.Ed., is an author, public speaker and teacher specializing in conscious relationships and spiritual development. Her book Soul to Soul Parenting: A Guide to Raising a Spiritually Conscious Family (Wyatt-MacKenzie, 2010) offers everyday methods and universal, life-affirming themes to those families seeking to expand spiritual awareness in the home. Annie resides in Chicago, Illinois, with her husband and three children. For more information, visit annieburnside.com.

27

On Stepparenting: From a StepchildBy Paula Coppel

One of the things I have treasured throughout my life is the one-on-one, long and heartfelt talks I’ve always had with my mom. When she remarried at age 60, I could only hope her new husband would understand the need for our mother-daughter phone calls and midnight chats on the sofa when I visited.

The fact that I’ve continued to have ample alone time with my mom—that my stepfather has known instinctively when to be around and when not to—is probably the greatest example of effective stepparenting I have seen. I love my stepdad because he makes my mother extremely happy and because he is a special friend to me. But I also love him because he respects and honors

28

the unique bond between my mother and me and doesn’t try to limit, interfere or intrude upon it.

My stepfather has shown me that stepparenting is an art. It is tricky business marrying into a ready-made family and negoti-ating all of the resulting relationships. You have to know what role to play, when to get involved, when to speak up and when not to.

Lucky for me, both my stepfather and my husband (the stepfather of my children) seem to have a knack for it. My husband loves me and he loves my grown children, but he also knows my children and I have a special bond that requires time and nurturing. And he knows that, even though he has a growing, wonderful relationship with each of my kids, he is not their father—nor should he try to be. That role is taken.

With the divorce rate so high, stepparents are everywhere. For people who have not had children, stepparenting can provide

29

a wonderful opportunity to be part of a child’s life, and their learning, growth and development. It can fill a hole in your life.

As with parenting, some people stepparent well and some do it poorly. I am not a stepparent myself, but I have stepparents and stepsiblings; my husband is a stepparent; and my children, nieces and nephews have stepparents. From my own experiences and observations, I’ve drawn a few conclusions:

First, the cardinal rule seems to be this: If you are a stepparent, you will have the best chance at an honest and mutually satisfying relationship with your stepchildren if you are secure and confident in yourself and in your relationship with your spouse. That means knowing and accepting who you are, and having faith in your relationship with your spouse. It means being a whole, healthy, mature human being who can stand on his/her own two feet while still contributing to meaningful relationships with others. When you are solid in yourself and in your marriage, you don’t need to seek validation, acceptance, power, control or a sense of identity from your relationship with your stepchild.

Here are a few other tips and observations. If you are a stepparent:

• Don’t try to take the place of the child’s natural mother or father (barring special circumstances, such as adoption following the death of a parent, etc.). As Gandhi once said (in a completely different context): “You will see there is room for us all.” Every child has the capacity to love mom and dad and many others. A stepparent can be a mentor, shining example, chief cheerleader, fun playmate, spiritual inspiration, wise counselor or valued support person.

• Do not criticize the child’s natural father or mother. Children typically feel loyal to their parents and want to think well of them, regardless of what has happened. They may like to criticize their parents, but they won’t want you to.

30

• Be generous in making sure the child has adequate one-on-one time with his or her father/mother. Yes, it is great to do things as a family and yes, you will hopefully develop a special relationship with your stepchild. But the child will always have a need to be alone with their father or mother at times, and that need should be respected. Every child also needs their own privacy and personal time and that, too, must be respected.

• Be willing to put the child’s needs above your own. This is a given in parenting, and it applies equally well to stepparenting. Children of divorce often have confused feelings and suffer from guilt, blame or anger. They need time to work through those feelings. Give them plenty of time and space, and keep affirming the highest and best in them through it all. They will feel your support even if it is unspoken.

• Don’t try too hard. Give the child plenty of time to get used to you and to accept you as part of the family. Don’t hover and don’t crowd. And most importantly, don’t guilt trip. Don’t force your needs, wishes, unfulfilled parenting desires or agenda on them. If you can let the child come to you—let the child initiate a relationship—things will go more smoothly.

• If you have children of your own, don’t expect them to be best friends with your stepchildren. Sometimes that happens and sometimes it doesn’t. Often it takes time. Let it be what it is.

• Remember your spouse has plenty of love for both you and the children. Your husband or wife needs to be able to love and give to their children without any jealousy or control from you. Be a strong enough person to step back. Ultimately, the better your spouse’s relationship with his or her children, the better their relationship with you.

• Allow and invite the child’s biological parent to give you pointers, guidance and insights into their child. You needn’t have to figure it out alone.

31

From a spiritual perspective, keep these things in mind:

• Maintaining your own spiritual practice can help you remain grounded, centered, balanced and secure regardless of what is happening with your stepchild.

• As you behold the Christ in your stepchild, you will see it manifest more and more.

• Love is the key to step-relationships and every other kind of relationship. Consider adopting as your mantra the inspiring words of 1 Corinthians 13: “Love is patient, love is kind and envies no one. Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; never selfish, not quick to take offense. Love keeps no score of wrongs; does not gloat over another’s sins, but delights in truth. There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and its endurance.”

Paula Coppel has been involved in Unity since 1980 and is currently attending Unity Institute® and Seminary to become a Unity minister.

32

Love at First SightBy Charlotte Shelton, Ed.D.

Many of my friends began longing for grandkids just as soon as their children became brides or grooms. Not me! Even though both my children married relatively late (they were both 30), I felt no midlife pull to be a grandma. I was busy growing an inter-national writing, teaching and consulting career. I had little time in my life to ponder the absence of grandkids. In 2004, when my son and daughter-in-law called to tell me they were pregnant, I was excited … but not enough so to make dramatic changes in my life … yet. I was, in fact, working in Beijing, China, when my first grandchild, Will, arrived in the world on July 22, 2004. Though I kept in touch with my son throughout the lengthy labor and delivery via phone and email, I felt no huge loss about not being present.

Things changed dramatically two weeks later. The day after I returned to the States, baby Will was rushed to the neonatal unit at Children’s Hospital in Houston, Texas. I was on the next plane. From the moment I saw him, I fell head-over-heels in love with this curly-haired baby who had electrodes plastered all over his body and wires coming out in every direction. I knew immediately that Will and I had a soul connection, and that my role in the hospital was to pray without ceasing and to hold the high watch for him.

A VIGIL OF PRAYER

For days his mother, Jenny, and I never left the hospital. We took turns taking an occasional nap in the Ronald McDonald House, which was located just down the hall (and I certainly gained a new appreciation for this incredible organization). Eventually

33

Will went home—just in time for us to attend his dad’s Ph.D. graduation ceremony. Baby Will resumed life with no seeming side effects from his scary hospital stay.

I, however, was not so unscathed. It was a life-transforming week for me, and I left Houston knowing that I had added a new responsibility to my life. I made the commitment to be deeply involved in the lives of my grandchildren and to continue to hold the high watch for Will and for future grandchildren yet to be born into this incarnation.

Even though Will lived in Houston, Texas, and I lived in Kansas City, Missouri, I was able to see him monthly for the first year of his life. Two years later his brother Jack arrived, followed by Sam in 2008. As my son’s family expanded, so did my daughter’s. I was blessed to participate in the birth of both her children—Charlie in 2008 and Clarissa in 2010. Charlie and Clarissa live in Kansas City; thus I have been able to experience their daily lives in myriad ways. I am so blessed!

34

HOLDING THE HIGH WATCH

I frequently think about the joys of grandparenting, and I am somewhat amused at the passion I feel for it. When I was a single mom/career woman, I don’t think I brought that same level of passion to my daily parenting challenges. Perhaps it’s just because we can have our grandkids at their best and then send them home to their parents when things get tough. Perhaps! However, for me I think there is more. I believe grandparenting is my primary spiritual assignment. I feel I am to continuously hold the high watch for these five precious souls, assuring that they always remember who they are and what they are capable of contributing. Helping them to know in every cell of their bodies that they are unconditionally loved and unlimited—perfect creations of the Divine!

LOVE PERSONIFIED

In many ways, I’m simply passing on the gift given to me by my beloved grandmother, Leftie Kinder. Grandma Leftie always saw the best in me. She always believed in me and supported my dreams. She never once judged or criticized me. She was always there for me during challenging times. She was love person-ified—God in action. I am who I am today because of her; and it is my intention to share this gift of unconditional love with Will, Jack, Sam, Charlie and Clarissa … every moment of my life … and beyond!

Loving unconditionally is, of course, never solely an act of selfless service. When we love unconditionally, we receive rivers of love flowing back to us. As we read in Scripture: “Give and it shall be given unto you.” Certainly this is how grandparenting works for me! If I need more laughter, joy, wisdom or fun in my life, I have only to hang out with any one of my grandkids in order to change my perspective about whatever it is that was previously bogging me down.

35

I am so grateful for the opportunity to parent and to grand-parent. The opportunity to love and influence the next generation(s) is an awesome responsibility … and privilege. It is, however, erroneous to think that wisdom is only flowing in one direction. I am certain that I have learned more from my grand-children than they might ever learn from me. In their shining faces, I see the future of the planet and the hope of heaven on earth. Watching and listening to them leaves me with no doubt in the evolutionary process. If you don’t have grandchildren, adopt some. They will open your heart and inspire your soul. They will remind you that big things can come in small packages! They will give you the greatest gift of all—the gift of unconditional love!

Charlotte Shelton is president and CEO of Unity World Headquarters at Unity Village. She is the author of Quantum Leaps: 7 Skills for Workplace Re-Creation (Butterworth-Heinemann, 1999) and co-author of The NeXt Revolution: What Gen X Women Want at Work and How Their Boomer Bosses Can Help Them Get It (Davies-Black, 2005) and Good Business: Putting Spiritual Principles Into Practice at Work (Unity House, 2010). Charlotte is shown here with her grandchildren: (left to right) Charlie, Jack, Clarissa, Sam and Will.

36

How May We Serve You?Through prayer, publishing and spiritual education, Unity is always here to support you in expressing your divine potential for a healthy, prosperous and meaningful life:

Prayer SupportCall Silent Unity® at 1-800-NOW-PRAY (669-7729) for personal prayer anytime, day or night, or visit www.silentunity.org to submit your prayer request online.

Inspirational PublicationsCall 1-800-669-0282, Monday–Friday, 7:30 a.m.–4:30 p.m. (CT), or visit www.unity.org.

• Daily Word® in regular, large type, digital or Spanish (La Palabra Diaria)

• Unity Magazine®

• Books, both in print and e-books

• CDs and DVDs

Spiritual EducationFor information, call 816-251-3535, Monday–Friday, 7:30 a.m.–4:30 p.m. (CT), or visit www.unityinstitute.org for courses offered.

Unity is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization, supported primarily by freewill offerings, including planned giving. To give a donation, please visit www.unity.org/donate. Thank you in advance for your support.

Unity Retreats and EventsCall 816-251-3540 or (toll-free) 1-866-34-UNITY (1-866-348-6489), Monday-Friday, 7:30 a.m.–4:30 p.m. (CT), or visit www.unityvillage.org to see detailed information for workshops, retreats and special events.

Online Resources

• Articles, prayers, meditation, news and information at www.unity.org.

• Spiritual online radio programming 24/7 at www.unity.fm.

• Daily Word messages and related content at www.dailyword.com.

• Spiritual information and support for parents, children and families at www.unityfamilymatters.org.

1901 NW Blue ParkwayUnity Village, MO 64065-0001 www.unity.org

G1092 Canada BN 13252 9033 RT

Printed U.S.A.