Chapter 5

Friendship, Love,and Commitment

Chapter Outline

The Importance of Love Love and American Families Friendship, Love, and Commitment The Development of Love: the

Wheel Theory

Chapter Outline

How Do I Love Thee? Approaches to the Study of Love

Unrequited Love Jealousy: the Green-eyed Monster The Transformation of Love: From

Passion to Intimacy

Research Findings: Differences Between Love and Friendship

Best friends were similar to spouse/lover relationships in levels of acceptance and confiding, trust, respect, understanding, spontaneity,and mutual acceptance.

Lovers had much more fascination and a sense of exclusiveness with their partners than did friends.

Research Findings: Differences Between Love and Friendship

Love had greater potential for distress, conflict, and mutual criticism, but it ran deeper and stronger than friendship.

Friendship appears to be the foundation for a strong love relationship.

Research Findings: Differences Between Love and Friendship

Shared interests and values, acceptance, trust, understanding, and enjoyment are at the root of friendship and form a basis for love.

Adding passion and emotional intimacy alters the nature of the friendship.

Central Attributes of Love

Trust Caring Honesty Friendship Respect Concern for the

other’s well-being

Loyalty Commitment Acceptance of

the other Supportiveness Wanting to be

with the other Interest in the

other

Central Attributes of Commitment Loyalty Responsibility Living up to your

word Faithfulness Trust Being there for

the other in good and bad times

Devotion Reliability Giving your best

effort Supportiveness Perseverance Concern about

the other’s well-being

Feelings Identifying Love

Four feelings identifying love:1. Caring for the other. Wanting to help. 2. Needing the other. Having a strong

desire to be in the other’s presence. 3. Trusting the other; mutually

exchanging confidences.4. Tolerating the other; accepting faults.

Important Factors in Commitment

1. Balance of costs to benefits: “What am I getting out of this relationship?”

2. Normative inputs: Values about love, relationships, marriage, and family.

3. Structural constraints: Depending on the type of relationship different roles and expectations are structured in.

Wheel Theory of Love

Love develops and is maintained through four processes:

1. Rapport2. Self-revelation3. Mutual dependency4. Fulfillment of intimacy needs

Reiss’s Wheel Theory of Love

Six Basic Styles of Love

1. Eros: love of beauty2. Ludus: playful love3. Storge: companionate love4. Mania: obsessive love5. Agape: altruistic love6. Pragma: practical love

Commitment, Passion, and Intimacy

Type Commitment Passion Intimacy

Liking - - +

Infatuation – + –

Empty love + – –

Romantic love – + +

Commitment, Passion, and Intimacy

Type Commitment Passion Intimacy

Companionate love

+ – +

Fatuous love + + –

Consummate love

+ + +

Triangular theory of love

Views love as consisting of three components:– Intimacy– Passion– Decision/commitment

Triangular Theory of Love

Ten Signs of Intimacy

1. Wanting to promote your partner’s welfare.

2. Feeling happiness with your partner.3. Holding your partner in high regard.4. Being able to count on your partner in

time of need.5. Being able to understand each other.

Ten Signs of Intimacy

6. Sharing yourself and your possessions with your partner.

7. Receiving emotional support from your partner.

8. Giving emotional support to your partner.

9. Being able to communicate with your partner about intimate things.

10. Valuing your partner’s presence in your life.

Triangles of Love

Attachment Theory of Love

Views love as being similar in nature to attachments we form as infants.

The attachment (love) styles of both infants and adults are:– Secure– Anxious/ambivalent– Avoidant

Styles of Unrequited Love

1. Cyrano style: Desire for a relationship regardless of how hopeless.

2. Giselle style: Misperception that a relationship is likely to develop.

3. Don Quixote style: Desire to be in love. Anxious/ambivalent adults are most

likely to be Cyranos, avoidant adults to be Don Quixotes and secure adults to be Giselles.

Jealousy

Occurs because of a partner’s real, imagined, or likely involvement with a third person.

Most likely in committed relationships because of the presumed “specialness” of the relationship.

Fear of loss, coupled with insecurity, increases the likelihood of jealousy.

Time and Romance

Time affects romantic relationships.

The rapid growth of intimacy tends to level off, and we become habituated to passion.

Commitment tends to increase, provided that the relationship is judged to be rewarding.

Romantic love

Romantic love may either end or be replaced by intimate love.

Many individuals experience the disappearance of romantic love as a crisis.

Romantic love seems to be most prominent in adolescence and in early and later stages of marriage.