LOVE, WISH, CAREER AND GODBy B.R.J

PREFACE

There are two kinds of people in the world concerning love. One who permitted to

love and the one who just kept yearning for love because they are not permitted?

The story revolves around a teenager’s life that is not permitted to love. Still, he

does believe in love stories and fairytales. Hence, he falls in love with a girl just

opposite to all his traits in life. The boy has been an intelligent student up to his

intermediate. He had been living alone for all his life till intermediate. As though,

the boy believes that Winners stands alone. Then, he comes to college and observes

that he can not survive in this atmosphere where he got stuck in if he is alone. But,

the day he realized it was too late to mess the things up. Moreover it is impossible to

adjust him in that kind of environment. He is scared to interact with new people

around him. Then, she comes across. She is super intelligent, career oriented girl

with charming personality. One can easily see the confidence in her pleasing

personality. It was love at first sight for the boy. He abruptly proposed her. But, she

said no. The boy’s heart broke up. But, the boy loved her like hell. All day night

long he used to remember her. He wanted to forget the girl. But, it was impossible.

The boy had been across many girls in his life. But, he never had been into these

kinds of feelings like love. Somehow, he gets her mailing address and started mailing

her everyday. But, never gets even a single reply from her side. This was the one

side of the story.

The story has it's another side related to God. We people believe in God and have

faith in his almighty. We know he is always listening to our prayers and wishes.

Among of which, some of them he fulfils and rest we kept demand for. "God is so

kind and merciful". That's all what we know about God. But, some of us do believe

and some of us don't.

What will happen? When he turns against you or in the other sense, you turn

against him and love to be against what he denies him to do, against his flow. It was

all against him. The story is about what we never thought of; we never talked about.

May be this story for once press you to think once that why do we believe in God

and end will answer you to these questions?

After a year long, the boy finds it difficult to love her anymore and to sooth himself

that he would never get her ever. He assumes that she has a boyfriend and he

started mailing her about him to pressurize her to speak out. Actually, the boy was

not sure if she is single. He proposed her because he saw her with a boy many times.

When he proposed her he made her clear that let him know if she had been into any

relationship before. That time the girl said NO. She did not have any boyfriend

before. But, she also did not say yes to him. She asked for the time. After 10 days,

she said NO. But, it was so long enough to make him loving her like hell.

The boy was completely in love with the girl. He pretends to be happy. But,

internally missing her every second with every heart beat. This story is about the

boy’s patience and the extent of the girl’s ruthless behavior.

The boy believes that we born in couples and all we need to do are to find your soul

mate. He was a loner.

The story is all about a student from a family of Bramhin, living life his own style.

He did believe in God. But, he came across those spheres of life where he lost his

faith in God. He used to have Monologue with him in his lonely hours. He suffered

through many hardships of his life. But, his never back down spirit led him to the

path of success.

INTRODUCTION

Pranav is a very simple person. He was born in a middle class family of Brahmins.

But, his family never was into any stuff of panditgiri. When he was born, a palm

reader told his mother "aahaahahaaha...aaahaahaha. aatti uttaam.. very

nice...very lucky boy. One day, this kid would make all of his family proud and

wealthy. You would spend a lot of money for his education. But, he will make you

wealthier even more. His future is bright for sure. More over, he is brown with a

brown fortunate dot on his palm which is a sign of a wealthy person. Jai ho jai ho.

God bless you. My child" Baba was on his full swing to get his Bhiksha.

My mother name is Asha devi, she was the secretary of the temple in our society.

She was so spiritual and superstitious too, which helped that Baba to flip the coin on

his side.

My mother was so happy to hear those words and gave five hundred rupees from

his wallet to give to the palm reader.

That time five hundred rupees were equal to five thousand which are enough to get

a multimedia phone today.

She starts providing the best education she could devote to her son. She put him to

a reputed Hindi medium school. The boy did so well in his academics. After six

years, his mother was called up in the school.

"Hello. Mrs. Sharma. It is nice meeting you here. Please sit down" principal said to

mother.

My mother was little worried about me. She wanted to know the reason of calling

her in the mid of the session like this. She knew Pranav is very descent child. He

would not do any thing that could harm some one. There fore, she was just

wondering why did she call up for?

All these questions were making her very nervous and scared too.

Progress report of Pranav placed on the desk of the principal made her more

nervous.

Mean while, the principal was on the phone talking with some one in English.

The mother did not understand English. She was all Hindi, which made her even

more embarrassed.

"Good morning. Mrs sharama. We called you here to talk about Pranav" principal

told my mother.

"Is he okay? What happened? He can't do any thing that could harm any one. I

will scold him. Just tell me what he did?" she frequently replied questioning.

"Calm down. He is absolutely fine and did not do any wrong thing." principal said

to my mother.

"Then, why did you call me?" she asked.

"We called you to tell you that your child has scored fifty marks in his Hindi.” The

principal tells my mother.

“Sir, do not worry. I will scold him. Just call him.” She was upset by my marks.

“Whoa! Mrs Sharma. First let me complete my statements. As though, he got poor

marks in Hindi but, we are happy that he scored the top marks in English Ninety.

So, it would be better if you change her medium of studying to the English medium.

We also have an English medium school. We can transfer him there in the next

Class if you wish. It would be better for him too” principal advices my mother.

My mother was little nervous about the fees in that school.

"Sir, I am so happy to hear this from you for my child. But, I will be gladder if you

could waive some fee in that school “ She hesitatingly asked the principal.

"Yes, off course. We do have the special scholarship program for our brilliant

student. He just needs to clear an examination and his fee would be waived from his

actual fee according to his performance in that examination" principal replied.

I gave the admission test and cleared it with good marks. My mom was mom was

very happy because my academics were going so well and the acceleration of

increment in the performance in my class was appreciable. More I had become one

of the intelligent students in my school.

My mother was so impressed by me and put me in a international school with more

facilities than my previous school. She still remembers the forecasting of that saint

that there would be lot of expenditure over my study but he will compensate all even

more.

I must say my mom and dad are the best parents that children wish to have.

In my high school, I scored distinction. This made my parents to expect even more

from my side.

After my intermediate, I took a different step than others that changed my life. I

stepped into the India’s most expensive college AMITY SCHOOL OF

ENGINEERING AND TECHNOLOGY.

I left my locality and moved to a different atmosphere. It was the first time I was

leaving my home for the next four years. It was my own decision to live in hostel. I

always been thinking of living like this but did not expect this would happen.

Living alone a long away from the family, fill you with thrills and excitement that I

Had too.

1. My first day of the college

“Excuse me, can you please help me out. I am a fresher. I am searching for my class

that has to be held in this block” asking one of the volunteers in white dress on the help

desk.

“Yes off course. We are here for fresher only. Just tell me your trade” he replied.

I was confused over “trade”. This was the first jargon for me. As I just heard about

trade in the social studies in the sixth standard that the British came in India for

trade, the only thing in my mind was that.

“I am not here for the trade or any other business purposes. I am here to study

only.” I said to myself.

“Sorry. Sir I am not here for the trade. I have to study only. I think you misunderstood.

I am a first year of Computer science student.” I told him.

“That’s what I asked for. There you go. Okay you in the computer science.” He

amazingly replied.

“You guys have the orientation program on the fifth floor room no. 5LA6. Just go

through these stairs.” He showed me the stairs indicating the directions.

I followed and was searching for my class in the corridor of fifth floor. I was confused

because that guy did not tell me about my class or the room no and what is this

orientation?..

Suddenly, a beautiful charming face appears. This time, a nice girl was on the same

floor.

“Focus. Focus. Don’t loose your concentration.” I said to myself.

But, she was so pretty.

“Where is your class?” she asked me.

“I don’t know. Some one told me about my orientation and 5LA6” I told her.

“Just follow me.” She replied.

“yes, why not for sure I will have to follow you in my next four years.” I murmured.

She showed me my class and went off. As I enter in the class, I saw some seniors guiding

the fresher students. They were talking in the English. Suddenly, one senior asked me

for my name. Before, I could tell anything, a other senior girl interrupted and said to

tell later.

“Leave him for now. Let him tell us in his intro.” She said.

“Intro. one more jargon to me…what the hell is this? I must know its meaning else it’s

going to be so embarrassing for me. I should get its meaning before my turn comes up”

I said to myself.

I got to know about the meaning when others were asked for their intros. They were

just telling their name, place where they belong to and where they schooled from.

“That means introduction. These people short out the things. I get it” I said to me.

The fresher students were from all over the country. Mumbai, Chennai, Kolkata,

Bengluru and many other parts of the country I was never been aware of. In fact, some

of them were from the other countries too. While giving their introductions, their

accent was so good.

I was little nervous about my introduction, I am from Haryana. As though, my accent

not at all bad but my hesitation and nervousness always dominate my actual English.

“I just wish that everything is going to be all right?” I said to myself.

Might be, one of the seniors read my mind and asked introduction in pure Hindi. I was

relaxed. But, the other students now, they all seemed nervous. They could not speak

their mother tongue. The students from south had the pathetic Hindi.

When it came to introduce myself, I gave my introduction in pure Hindi. My seniors

were little impressed by me.

After that the fun starts here, when I was called to dance.

A girl was chosen by the seniors and she was asked to choose a boy to dance in front of

the whole class.

Accidentally, she choose me and I was suppose to dance.

“Pranav. Come out and dance” a senior ordered me.

I had no idea what should have I done. Suddenly, an idea strokes my mind.

“Ok. Sir I will dance at one condition only that one of the senior girls has to dance along

with me.” I demanded.

Touchwood, they denied and I was saved. But, the real fun starts here when, a senior

taught us about athanni chavnni. I just loved that.

It was also a short of dance in which they instructed us to move our belly to right as

they say athanni and towards right if they say chavnni.

In college, students feel scared about ragging but we were actually enjoying it. They

real ragging happen in our college. I would advice the students who commit suicides.

They should have enrolled themselves in our college.

Our seniors were very much cooperative and helpful. It is shame on the people who has

changed the meaning of ragging.

After this, the session started. It was totally different environment for me. Some times, I

feel so inferior among them. But, I was trying to adjust myself in here because I must

have to spend my next precious five years of my life at this place and up to an extent, I

made it.

Slowly and steadily, I changed myself according to the people, around me and their

environment. But, I knew who I am; I was just for the studies and I was going

well. Then, an accident happened to me that changed my whole life.

2. TURNING POINT:

In the first semester I made many friends and all of us were very helpful for each other.

We had made a group of ten people and we named it freelancers. We had all boys in

our group. We used to have real fun in every space of the college. Cafeteria was our

adda where Instead of eating we used to play dare by spinning a coke bottle. I still

remember that day when I was given a dare to climb over the table and had to sit in

Indian traditional potty style. We had loads of fun in our first semester. We were all

singles in our group so we never missed a single time to tease each other if we found any

of us taking more interest in girls. But, I did not know these memories would just last

like memories only. The fun we had, just last up to six months only.

Every person has their turning point in their lives which changes the whole life. I had

that too. I was all alone in the whole college. The people to whom, I was friend with,

most of them left the college.

First Ashish Sachdeva cleared the NDA examination and became a cadet in National

Defense Academy. My best friend Anugrah from Indore, who was a homesick took

admission in an Engineering college in Indore itself, where did he belong to. He was a

son of retired army officer so waste of one year fees did not mattered him and he left

the college. Rest were leg turned to the other sections due to the shuffling system of

AMITY. All of us were from the same family as per as the financial background is

concerned.

In the second semester, I was in a new section. With new faces, it was hard for me to

make them friends.

As though, I never had been in to love kind of things. I scared of the girls because I did

know how to talk to them and make friendship.

During the roll call, I used to hear one name with no reply.

“Chitra Vatwani. Absent”

I don’t know what happens when I hear this name.

“I have heard or seen this name some where else outside AMITY” I said to myself.

Bur, I did not remember the time and place. The whole semester passed away being

mysterious about this name. I just wanted to know who was that girl?

In the next semester, a new girl came to our class. She was 5’6” fair with short hairs

and lots of mascara in her eyes and no other make ups. She was sweet and simple.

This was the time when I got answered to all my questions.

“Chitra Vatwani. Present!”

My heart start trembling and my heart beats were racing.

It was the love at first sight. I did not know if I could ever fall in love because I was not

permitted to love. But, some one has truly said that love is an accident not a plan. More

over, I got to know she had done her schooling from summer fields greater Kailash.

That was the school where I had been for once in my tenth class. I saw her name on the

notice board. Every thing recalled. I still remember that time.

Some thing was related to that place, which was pulling me to her side.

I wanted to confirm if it’s an infatuation or something else. I waited for about a months

to consider if it’s really a love or such thing.

When ever, I am in class I see her all the time. She knew that I am noticing her.

“She got me. It’s better to make an initiative” I told myself.

Some how, I got her number from one of her friends Kapil.

I was in my room roaming here and there and thinking how I should start to talk.

I had my mobile in my hand which, several times I had a look and halted to call her.

“Should I call her? No what would I talk about? Come on, it’s just about talking to a

girl. Why am I so nervous?” I said to myself.

“Hello. May I talk to Miss Chitra Vatwani?” I called and asked her.

“Yes. That’s her. Who is this speaking?” she replied and questioned.

“I am calling from administration office, AMITY UNIVERSITY. Could you please tell

me your section” I abruptly replied.

“It is CS5.” She replied in her sweet innocent voice.

“Thank you for the verification. Have a good day ahead.” I cut the phone immediately.

I was really nervous and more over, there were no one to motivate me. Talking to a girl

is not an easy task in my case. Specially when you love her and trying to talk on the

phone for the first time.

I was in the boy’s school for the five years. I did not know how to talk to girls. After two

days, I gathered my strength to talk to her.

“Come on yaar. It’s just a matter of a phone call. You are not going to ask her for a

date yet. Go on man. She is not going to eat you. Be confident, be positive” I convinced

myself.

“Hello. Is this Chitra?” I called her and asked.

“Yes. That’s her. May I know who is calling?” she replied.

“Hey, Chitra. This is Pranav. Remember me?” I said pretending nothing fishy in my

mind.

“Yes. I do remember you. But, how did you get my number?” she asked.

“I just get it from Kapil. As you know, I was absent on the last Friday. So, I needed the

notes to copy from your notebook. I know you make notes very well. It will an ease for

me to copy from your note book. Would you please bring them by tomorrow?” I

asked her.

“Yes, I will bring them by tomorrow. By the way, last Friday you were there in the class

only” she surprised me.

I was surprised by her answer because we never talked before nor we had any

conversation. She was all new in the class. She would have hardly knows my name. It

seemed me like she was also noticing me too.

“hang on, how do you know that I was absent?. I mean you are new in the class.” I

asked her.

“ahaaahhh…well I just heard someone talking about you in the class that you are

present. That’s it.” She answered me.

I thought rather than asking for a date, asking for notes could be a fair initiative and

yes, it worked. The next day, she brings the notes for me.

Her “ahaaahhh…” gave an indication of my positivistiy. Girls know that someone is

noticing them, they just wait for the person to take the initial step.

On the same day, I saw her with a boy. As I told, among them I feel so inferior in

myself. He was a smart guy with killer looks.

There won’t be a shock if I heard that the boy was her boy friend. I did not

know what should I do? I was panicking if it is so. But, what about me?

I had her notes. An idea stroke my mind and I wrote a letter to her asking if she is

single. I expressed all my feeling to her.

“Hey. This is Pranav. May be, you know that I had been noticing you from the very

first day when you entered in our class. I do not know what happens when I come

across you, my heartbeat starts racing, my breathe stops for a while, my eyes just want

to see you again and again. As though, weekend brings fun for everyone but for me this

is the hardest lime to spend because I can not see you. I never felt this ever before in my

nineteen years of my life.

Saying “I LOVE YOU” is too early.

In fact, I did not mean to write this too. But, I felt insecure when saw you with some one

else.

I just want to know who that guy was. I mean let me know if you are in any

relationship.

Then, there is no matter of moving ahead. Please tell me. I am a very simple person and

believe in simple and small things. You may consider it as a love letter unless if you

do not have any boyfriend. I want to tell you that I like you.

Pranav

I placed the letter in her notes and returned the notebook.

“What the hell I did? I gave a love letter to a girl. What would she think about me?” I

said to myself.

I never had done this kind of stupidity before. I was little nervous about this situation

because it was first time after that conversation on the phone and I wrote her a love

letter. I was really tensed about that letter.

After the college, I messaged her to know if she got my letter or not.

“Hey, as you know I am new here. I hardly know you. So, I need some time to know

more about you” she replied through a message.

I was very happy that at least, she asked for the time. Rather than hearing a NO

waiting is better. I waited for her reply for ten days. That was the stupidest and

glorious period for me. It was stupidest because meanwhile, I never called her. I did

not meet her. In stead of being in the same class, even I never talked to her.

For once, I called her for the notes and she came alone.

I was sitting on the floor waiting for her. She came. As she appeared, I turned my face

to the other side and smiled.

She knew it and with her down head kept approaching.

“Hi, here are your notes. So, should I leave?” she asked me.

“yeah. You must be getting late for your cab. I guess. You better go.” I replied.

On the same day, I went to life style and bought a Stole for her. I thought I will gift her

some day.

I kept that gift with me for several days. But, never dared to gift her.

That was a stupid mistake I did. I should have better asked her for the couple of

Minutes or a coffee. She wanted me to talk more or go some where else along. But,

being a brainless guy, I let the chance slipped from my hand. She must be thinking how

stupid I am.

It was glorious too because we were in the same class and how would you feel when,

someone you love is just sitting on bench next to you. there were a number of loving eye

contacts. Sometimes, she used to notice me using her notebooks. Just to get a glimpse of

her, I started coming late for the classes because I used to sit on the front bench from

where it was really hard to see her without being noticed.

Whenever, she came across, either I changed my path or hide somewhere. As though, I

loved her but I felt so nervous in front of her.

After waiting for ten days and did nothing.

“Hey, this is Chitra. It is hard for me to say. But, I am sorry. We are not meant for

each other. We are totally different. You deserve much better than me. Sorry” She

replied.

Might be she refused me because I was not like other guys flirting with girls, hang

out and watch movies. She was a very fun loving girl, hangs out with her friends and

group and masti all the time whereas I was little bore and idle.

More over, I never talked to her nor asked her out for a coffee or something.

“Okay. It’s fine. Why she would say yes to a simple, serious person if she herself a

complicated one? We are not for each other. She is right. She deserve much better

than me. I should forget her. More over, she is a non-vegetarian and I am a

Brahmin” I soothed myself with a little smile on my face.

That time I did not feel bad at all because somewhere I better knew her answer.

3. FRESHER’S PARTY

It had been a month. I had forgotten her. I should have better realized that I am here

for the study only. But, my heart was out of control. On the fresher’s eve, I just went to

see one face that of her only. She appeared in a white sharee with black spots. She was

looking out of the world. May be, I am over appreciating her because I love her. The

best thing I liked in her was she was not wearing any jeweler just a bracelet in her

hand. I loved her simplicity. I was with one of my friends Himanshu who kept forcing

me to dance with him but all my attention was on her every single move. She was really

enjoying it, dancing with her friends. She was better aware of my attention but that did

not bother her and she kept enjoying the party. I just wanted to talk to her for once bur

could dared to do that.

I did not know what she had been thinking of but once in a while she was also looking at

me.

I was relaxed until I saw her with a boy name Ishan. I had seen her with that same guy

many times.

When I inspected more about the scene, I got to know that Chitra came with him in a

car alone. As I talked about, that was the reason of feeling inferiority complex to these

people. Some how, I concealed all my emotions. But, at every next minute. My eyes were

on her. I was totally broke. I left the party in the middle and came back early to my

room.

I messaged her asking for that guy. She did reply and said she is not answerable to any

of my questions because that is none of my business.

I was so depressed and again called her

“For god sake just answer that have you ever been into any relationship?”

She was so freaked out by me and replied “Yes”.

It was a one more shock for me and I started abusing her like sailors.

I am a very spontaneous which some times creates mess for me. After that I cried for

the whole night that how cheap she is and I fell in love with her.

I better told her to tell me if she ever had been in to any relationship. But, she broke my

heart and left me with nothing. When she denied that could have been better, at least I

had a virtual image of her in my heart.

Those ten days were enough for me to make me realize that how much I love her?

Beside all these, my academics were getting worst affected.

I got two back papers that semester. I did not know where I was leading to?

I just kept going on a belief that God can’t be that much rude to me. I would easily get

the rid of this hard time of life. I better started concentrating on my studies. But, she

was stuck some where in me. When ever I open books, I see her face moving round in

my head. I could not study.

Some time later, I got to know that she lied that she had been into any relationship. She

never had in to that stuff. Actually, She was pissing off by me and said yes.

I regretted myself for my abusive behavior towards her. I wanted to apology for this big

mistake. I tried every possible to get her apology. She did not forgive me. I was totally

vanished from her life.

It had been two months to that incident.

My result was not good. So, my mother advised to live with some intelligent student in

my class.

Kushgra was very intelligent student of our. He was searching for a student for his PG.

Touchwood, he asked me. I thought if he could help to improve my results and being a

class representative of our class it might be a benefit for me too. I mean I need not to

worry about the notes and hope if I could a nice friend to live for the next three years of

my graduation.

I shifted to his PG. I tried to follow him. He had been very nice to me for a month.

I like him. The best thing in him I observed was that he used to go to the temple every

Tuesday. I started going along with him.

The worst thing I observed in him was his abusive language. Most of the time, he used

to abuse like sailors.

One day he asked me about chitra. He told me he is much experienced in that kind of

stuff. Might be he had been a play Boy of his time. Some days later, he started teasing

me and pointing her. I did not like his behavior and I knew that he had a girlfriend. I

also started pointing her. Then, he started abusing her.

He was her good friend. Even though, he did not valued that relation and kept abusing

her.

I could not control myself and slapped him so tightly.

As though, we were living in the same PG. He had his two other roommates of our

college only. Three of them were looking for a flat, leaving that PG. Might be there was

some financial problem.

Some days later, he moved out to another PG. It was not because I slapped her. But, he

found a better PG. He told his friends in our class that he was pissed off by me and

left the PG.

I was all alone in the class. I used to sit like a loner on the first bench. There was no one

who could trust me, who could tell her that it is not what she was thinking where as

Kushgra was much more famous in the class. He was popular among the girls. More

over, he was our class representative. So, everyone believed him only.

She got to know that. That was one more misunderstanding between us, she started

hating me even more. I was helpless. I did not want her. But, did not want her nor I

want her to think wrong about me too. So, I opted to mail her.

Mail 1

Topic: I am happy being alone

Hey, this is Pranav. Sorry to disturb you. But, it was urgent. I know you don’t love me.

I am fine with it. But, at least don’t think wrong about me though.

Kushgra left the PG because he found a better PG. This is it and what ever he told you

is a lie.

But, he must not tell you that he abused about you. That was the reason, I slapped him.

Do you want to hear what he abused about?

Do you?

Then, listen he wanted to drag you on his bed and still if he is your good friend. Then, I

don’t care.

There is nothing between us for sure but trust me I do not want to misunderstand it. I

Would not ask you that why you refused me. I am just happy for you what ever your

decision is? I respect you. That is why I slapped him. I admit that I also abused about

his girl friend but it was his fault to initiate it.

If friends are like this. Then, thank God, I am better being alone.

I don’t love you anymore.

Thank you.

Pranav

She did not believe me and why she would?

As though, I had told her that I don’t love her. But, what the heck was that teasing in

my heart.

After all, what did I mean to her?

“Get a life” this was the last message, I received from her side.

It was normal for me to hear this from her because the way I abused her was worst.

But, that was my mistake.

I apologized to her many times. But, it did not work for me. It’s has been about ten

months to that incident.

4. HER BIRTH DAY:

I had that gift that I wanted to gift her. I thought, if I could get her apology through

that way.

19TH of February.

It was the day when God also made me realize that I was truly in love with her.

fortunately or unfortunately It was her birth day and on the same day, I planned to gift

her. I came early in the college, got into the class. As expected, there was no student in

the whole campus as it was too early in morning. It was the first time I woke up at 5

O’clock in the morning. I had planned to gift her in very stupid manner because I knew

she would not accept any gift from me after that incident.

I placed the gift on her seat where did she usually sit. Then, I left the class and did not

attend the first two classes. I came to the class in the third lecture. I was nervous. After

the lecture, she came to me and threw that gift on the floor in front of the whole class. I

was badly humiliated by my other class mates. I did not picked up the gift and kept

moving on.

“She will pick that up. I know she will.” I said to myself.

But, I guess not. She did not pick up the gift and where is that gift? It is still a mystery

for me.

She thought I enquired about her birth day and gifting her. She considered that as a

show off to her.

Not having a good friend might be the one of the reasons why did not she accept my

gift.

From that day, I decided not to look back at her ever and moved on to the preparations

for my end semester examinations. But, I wanted to justify myself by mailing her.

Mail : 2

Topic: coincident

I know gifting you on your birth day may seem as a show off to you. But, trust me.

I did not know that was your birth day. I bought that gift in august to gift you. But, I

Could never dare to gift you. Your birth day was just a coincident. I did not mean to

show off or something.

I just wanted to apology for abusing you on that day.

May be you have forgotten that day but I still remember that day. I regret myself even

now after months for my mistake that I did unintentionally.

That was just a sorry gift that I bought about eight months ago when I wrote that letter

to you.

That had a stole with some white rose petals. On every single petal, I am sorry was

written. Do you still think it was a show off?

By the way, I hope you had a great day.

Happy birth day dear. I never meant or want to hurt you. I respect you always.

Sorry again.

Take care.

Good night

After that time, I never recalled her because she was happy without me and did

not seemed to be bothered. She is a fun loving girl who enjoys life to queen size. So,

I better prefer not to bother her in future but I always loved her every minute.

5. STARTING FROM THE END

It’s been so long for me to see her. It was only thing that I could have managed to

because we were in the same class. But, it is the summer break of about two months. In

between the summer breaks, on 20th June, it’s my birth date. I did not get a single wish

from any of my college mates and my so called friends on the facebook and twitter

except my family members. I was hoping if she would wish me. But, she did not. My

eyes are filled up tears crying for someone who never think of me. I am a paying guest

in Noida. No one in my pg knew that it was my birth date. So, it had been a usual day

for me. That night was my birth night. I monologue with God for her wellness.

My birth day

Mail: 3

Today is my birth day. It’s my 18th birth day. Now, I am an adult. But, life being a

juvenile was much better than this. All day long I had been waiting for your wish. I

was wondering if you wish me happy birth day. I am really getting mad over you.

It’s about 11:45 in clock and I am still hoping that you would wish me.

How can I think that you would ever wish me? When my so called friends did not

wish me.

Then, why would you wish me?

Especially, after all this mess.

Well, I hope you would be fine. I wish for your wellness and prosperity. I am

still trying to forget you and I am successful up to an extent too.

I do not know how to name this relationship. But, do not take this as a wrong sign. I

always respect you and your decisions. I did not have any wrong intention while

mailing you. In fact, I never had. Just do one thing on my birth day please forgive

me if you could.

I know it was my entire mistake and I admit that too.

Bye and take care.

Pranav

She did not reply. I did not expect too.

“Why she would reply? I had been abusive to her. She won’t reply.” I answered

myself.

6. A NEW START

It was the first day college after such a long gap of about 3 months as summer

break and a year to that period.

I had forgotten everything and now, wanted to concentrate on my studies

which were in the poor conditions. That year I hardly just made my CGPA to 6.

I had many dreams in my life as every person does have in their lives. I didn’t just

want to be better in academics. But, I wanted to do some thing different in life.

That’s why; I did not want to miss even a single opportunity that could bring me

closer to my dreams. While, roaming in the corridor in the college, I had a glance

over the notice board. There was a notice which states that there was poem writing

competition in our college. I remember when I used to write poems praising her

beautiful eyes. I was sure that I would win if I write those poems in that competition.

Someone has truly said “love makes you a good poet” and I had been a fair poet that

time.

So, I decided to talk to her via her mailing address.

Mail: 2

Topic: the poems

Yaar, I need your help. In September, I sent you a sort of poem I made by mail

sms. That was "there is some thing special in you that bring me close to you". Do

you remember that? I know that was a waste for you as I told you that I have lost

my diaries and has rebooted my sent mailbox and obviously I lost the poem too.

But, now I need that because I am participating in a poem writing competition. I am

sure if I write that poem in the competition, then, I would definitely win.

If you have then please forward that to me. I shall be very thankful to you and let

me forget everything. I hope you will understand that and will be sending that if am

not wrong about you.

Please I can not clean up the mess I made I just want to forget the things. That is it.

Please send that.

I waited for several days. But, she did not reply. Again, I sent her a mail.

In that period, I realized that I still love her and the story restarted from the

end where I left. On her silence, Again, I mailed her. If she would have forgotten the

past, she will reply. She did not reply again.

Side by side God was freaking me with his co incidents that I did not want to

encounter. Those things were again dragging me in the flashback and on the same

path from which I had diverted.

Mail: 3

Topic: Please respect yourself

I thought you will send that. But, you didn’t. Yaar, you don’t respect me, that is for

sure and I am not against you. But, for yourself if you respect yourself then, please

send that to me.

I want to forget everything. But, look I don’t know who is doing all this, wearing

most of the times the same colors in a week as if one of us is following other.

trust me I am not following you.

Direct or indirect encounters when I do not want to see you and even though try to

avoid as possible as I can. Planning to gift you something and unfortunately or

fortunately it’s your birthday and again misunderstandings like show off. I think I should have gifted you that earlier before your birth day so that you could get to

know that it was just a coincident.

Today, you got new clothes the fest and I am sure that you would be having a good

choice. I hope if you could open that gift, you threw. I wish if I could see you there.

But, I won’t because I can’t see you with someone else. I don’t have that much

strength in me. More over I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable because of me. So,

have a great night. I know these things do not bother you at all. In fact, you will not

even read this craps. For you, this is nothing. But, just garbage for you. Have a

good time and take care.

I had realized that I had not been forgiven yet. So, it would be an unintelligent

Thing if I still mail her.

further. But, I wanted to talk to her for once because I did not want her to

misunderstand me and I could not forward leaving this mess in my past.

“She doesn’t love me. Fine. But, at least don’t let the misunderstandings increase.” I

said to myself.

7. FEST NIGHT

It was the fest night. I didn’t go to the fest as I told her. But, in my room, I was

afraid of losing something.

I did not go to our college fest because I did not want to uncomfort her and me.

I never had her so, how could I loose her that thing was not striking in my mind.

what should I do? Many unfair thoughts were conquering over my mind. I just

wanted to talk to her once. My scared mind pressurized me to mail her again.

Mail: 4

Topic: I don’t want you.

997183****. This is my mobile no. when ever you will be free and having a cool

mind think and make a call or do whatever you want to.

Don’t take this as a wrong sign like you always do. But, being a good person please

contact me. I am waiting for your reply.

For God sake please reply.

My love for Chitra was on its optimum level. I was completely drawn in her love.

She never replied to me. I kept thinking of her all the time.

I was in cafeteria and I saw her with a hulk boy in green t-shirt with great muscles. I

was scared to go in front of her and ask who was that guy. As though, my love for

her is enormous. But, it is physically weak. Moreover, why do I care?

I was so confused what should I do. I was still carrying a ray of hope if she could

forgive me and we could talk.

I was confused whether I wanted to forget her or love her from one side. I was doing

both things. I was trying every possible way to forget her. But, I could not stop my

heartbeats racing for her too.

Next day, I saw her with some one. He was not from our class. I did not know why

did I get possessive?

I better found mailing her because this was the only thing I could do. I was mailing

her as if I am her boyfriend. I better knew that I would not get any reply. Even

though, I mailed her. I was feeling so jealous upon the way she was talking to that

guy. They were looking so close.

I was so helpless and I could not do anything though.

I did not know where these all things were leading me to. I did not want my studies

to get affected by this.

I wanted to change my section because the more she comes across me the more pain,

I feel.

Again, I mailed her.

Mailing her was becoming my habit.

I was mailing her as if she is in front of me and will reply to every question, I ask

her. I knew that was just my misconception.

Mail: 5

Topic: Who was that?

Sunday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Pranav" <Pran@yahoo.com>

Add sender to Contacts

To: "cta" <ctav2003@yahoo.co.in>

Well, again I saw you with a boy in green t-shirt. I don’t what should I do?

I will not ask you. Even if I ask you, You won’t answer me. In front of mine you

show as if you are not in any relationship.

But, if you have a boy friend. Then, why don’t you just show me?

Listen, my feelings and sentiments for you are not cheap as I would do some thing

that could affect your relation to him or some thing.

So, don’t worry. But, I can’t stop loving you either and that’s true. No matters you

love me or hate. I have no demand. In fact, I never had.

I love you and I can’t forget you ever in my life time because you taught me what

love is?

You were the first girl and the only girl who made me feel some thing unusual in me.

But, I would never force you. In fact, I can’t because I love you.

Hey, I have good news for you. I am changing the section. I hope this cud help me

and I won’t show my face to you further. I hope you had a good night in the fest.

I don’t know why the hell I send you mail every second or the third day. I know you

just delete these all without even reading. I always trust you and you always failed

my trust.

Even though, I want to trust you more. I don’t know if I am mad or what. There are

millions of things I do not know. I do not know when I start to write I start from me

but ends on you. I do not know when I used to write it seems as if am writing a

script for any movie. It’s also a kind of misunderstanding. When I do some thing,

you think that I am showing off to you. By the way, best of luck for the exams to you

and your boyfriend. I know I better need that and I know that you would never wish

me luck.

Take care.

One more thing, please don’t tell anyone that I am changing the section. You are the

second person after Anil, who knows this. I have one more thing that I lied to you

that I am working. Actually those days, I used to teach some students in an NGO.

So, I paid for that my first earning 500 bucks. So, I told you that in a quite weird

manner.

Sorry for that. I know it does not bother you at all because I am nobody for you.

But, this was the last thing I did not tell you. I know you feel nothing for me. But, I

do. Yaar, if you have any boy friend. I don’t have any problem.

I don’t have any harsh feeling for that why not me? But, I can’t live like this. After

all, I do have the feelings too and it pains in heart when I see you with someone. I

just want to approach you and ask you every single question I always wanted. But,

scared if I do something that could affect you and would create more complications.

The very first day I made you cleared that may be it’s not the right time to say I love

you.

Even, might be you did not notice that those days I never said that I LUV U. But, in

the December, I realized that it is love that doesn’t allows me to forget you.

I was loving this myth that I have told her everything and there is no

misunderstanding left between us and the rest about belief if she had over me.

8. SAME CLASS

My application had rejected by head of department. He called me in his office and

asked for the reason that why did me want to change my section.

“Tell me. Why do you want me to change your section?” HOD asked me.

“Sir. There are some personal reasons, I can not tell you” I replied.

“Okay. Then, we can’t change your section too because of the personal reasons that

we have” he said to me.

I came out of the office and thought about it if I tell him the reason might he could

help me somehow and entered his cabin again. I was little confused if he would have

made fun of me. But, I had no option because I did not find it comfortable to drag

this thing along with me anymore.

“Sir. There is a girl in my class. I feel something strange about her. May be if it is

love or something that I can not afford. I am from a middle class Family and do not

want to get involve in this stuff. But, I am scared if something happens. So, I want to

change my section” I replied to him.

He was a Sardar. He started telling me about his son in Canada.

“You know what? My son Jagdeep singh. He is graduated from Indian Institute of

Technology Delhi three years ago. He is working in Canada on the post of project

manager for the last two years in a multinational company. Even though, he never

had been involved into such kind of things. He is a strong will person and can

control over himself. Then, why can’t you control yourself.” he tells me.

I was murmuring to myself that it’s Canada, not Kanada. His accent was poorly

damaged. I was just trying to control my internal laugh on his accent and was

thinking that how had he been recruited on those post earning lacs of salary.

He wants to set up an example of his son for me. That was really a long story that I

did not get through. It was really a nice speech. But, it was not enough for me to let

me forget her.

He was such a freak. Rather than just changing my section he gave a speech for

Hours. He did not even bothered by the people around. So, my section did not

change.

I thought it is just a waste of time talking to that freak and found it better to leave as

soon as I could.

9. SCRIPT WRITER

It was the night. I was watching a Hindi movie BACHNA AE HASEENO. I rarely

watch any movie. I had been hearing about this movie for a long time. Many people

suggested me to watch that movie. After six months, finally it was a world TV

premiere of that movie on Sony entertainment and I was totally shocked after

watching that movie. I did not believe that it really happening to me.

“What the hell is with you God? Is there anything in the world does not relate to

her?” I asked to God like a fool.

I had been mailing her for the last one year like a fool. I better knew that I would

never get her reply. Even though, I kept mailing her and hoping if we would have

ever read them.

Then, suddenly a thought stroke in my mind and I could not just wait for the

time and mailed her at the same time.

Mail: 6

Topic: it’s really important

You know, Today I saw a Bachana ae haseeno. This was the first time I watched

that movie. Actually, I rarely watch any movie. While watching that movie, a

thought stroked in my mind.

There was a time in that movie when Deepika used to write Ranbir for six months

without knowing if he is reading them or not.

Here I want to ask you a question Do you also think that I am copying that thing?

and keep mailing you every day.

Then, let me clear you one thing that you are wrong if you think so. In fact, even I

was surprised to see that. As I told you this was the first time I watched that movie.

Hey, I could be a script writer.

umhumh... I can think of it. But, you don’t worry, I am not thinking that you would

ever come to me. I told you I never wanted you. The very first day, when I heard

from you that you were in relationship. I was broke. I can bear that you are in

relationship. But, I can’t see you with some other guy though. It pains.

I love you. You love some one else. That’s your problem. But, from my side,

I can not change it.

So, that idea just came to my heart. That’s it. That was not any copyright as it

seems.

I knew she don’t have any boyfriend. But, I was trying to get her reply at any

of my comments.

10. HER PICTURE

I was surfing on the facebook. I searched to Bhavya’s profile and found her pictures

there. She was looking too sweet in a sky blue colored suit with black round circles.

That was a long gap to see her for many days. I felt some relief after seeing her

picture then, again I mailed her. My mails to her were flawless. This was the only

way that makes me feel little better in myself.

More over, I could mail her anything I want because I was surely were not going to

have any response. I mailed her on the daily basis.

Mail: 7

Topic: jus saw you

Thanks to Bhavya for uploading your image. It had been so long to see you and

then, I see you. I can’t explain how did that feel? I just want to see that again and

again.

I don’t know if I am getting insane or what.

Mailing a person number of times, but, never getting even a single response is like

asking questions to myself and answering to myself only.

More over the person, who never trusted you and does not even think of you,

the person who does not respect you at all.

For her, you are nothing but, just a pathetic disease that is stickled to her.

I don’t want anything from you. I have already cleared this many times.

I don’t know why don’t you get this at once?

If you are testing me then carry on. I won’t be complaining anytime.

But, if you really love someone else then please do let me know not because I want to

follow any other girl. In fact, I can’t because I just loved you only even if I want to. I

don’t find any other girl more beautiful than you. I just loved you without any

reason. I want to know because if you really love someone. Then, I don’t have any

other option left except studying or studying. But, even though, I will be in touch

always that’s for sure forever and please don’t cut this my only medium to be in

touch.

I promise you I will never interrupt you in your personal life.

Take care.

11. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

That day, whole class was just discussing about only one thing. MUN (model united

Nations). It was a prototype of United Nations. It was kind of a conference and

assembly as in United Nations, which had to be held in BITS Goa.

One has to participate and fill up a form and a country would be assigned to that

person. The person was suppose to attend that assembly and has to represent their

respective countries in the conference.

I did not have any idea of that thing. But, I get to know that she had also planned to

go Goa with her group.

I was helpless as it was too late to fill up the form. It was a group. So, I did not have

any idea if there was any boy. I do not what is wrong with Goa, when ever I hear

Goa. Beware of Goa that’s what I say myself. That’s why I was so nervous about

that place.

“what if she would have gone with her boy friend. As though, it was an extra

curricular activity but Goa reminds me of beautiful beaches and bikinis and fun on

the seashore like late night parties.

It might happen that she planned to have hang out with her friends may be with her

boy friend.

There was a girl in our class who was also went Goa. Those thoughts were striking

my mind after seeing her album of Goa. she was also went for MUN only but as a

said some fun would have been also there.

I am not blaming her I am just generalizing it.

Mail: 8

Topic: I don’t want you

Okay I don’t need you. But, what do i do? It’s not finished yet.

I don’t know what kind of feeling is this. when you left after the lecture. That

seemed some thing wrong. I was just kept wondering the whole lecture thinking of

you that where did you go. Whatever I don’t know what I should write. The only

thing I can say is please as a good person. Please help me.

I know that helping me would not be having any interest for you. But, please there

are many things in life beyond interests as human being. Please help me considering

it as a social service.

This is too much now. I would not mail you any more. This is the saturation point

for me.

Enough is enough.

I can't ruin my whole life for you. You just stay with him for ever.

This one was the last mail.

12. BEING BANNED

After a long time period, I had realized that she had banned me from mailing her.

Just for my satisfaction and keeping a ray of hope if she reads it. I kept on mailing

her like fools.

I was unpredictable. Again I mailed her.

Mailing her was a myth and a mystery. It was a myth because I was hoping for the

impossible thing to happen that one day she will reply. It was a mystery because I

was confused that if the mails are not being received by her as she would have

banned me to mail her then where are these mails are going to.

Mail: 9

Topic: I am crazy

May be I am crazy. But, I can’t stop myself. I know you will never get these because

you would have banned me. After all, it’s your life and your choice.

Yesterday, I went to college to get my admit card. I thought you would be there.

But, I did not see you. I did not see you from the last month. I have tried many

times. I have concealed all my emotions. But, some how they find their way through

my eyes as tears.

It's weird. Actually, whatever it is. This thing made me weird. May be it’s not love.

But, infatuation as you seem but, infatuation does not stay for that much long.

May be I would just keep on doing my B.tech and mailing you all the time. Mailing

you is my habit and I tell you one thing. It's not infatuation. Damn it.

I love you. Tell me if you love someone else and let me move on in my life.

She was not replying at all. Her silence was a mystery to me. In classes, we avoid

each other and here I never stop mailing her. Some where I had realized that I had

been blocked by her. But, I just did not wanted to admit that and mailing her gave a

satisfaction of telling her everything and justification to her. I was happy with my

Virtual love. But, I had faith in my love if it’s true then, definitely it would trace its

own path. I just kept mailing her regularly.

Mail: 9

Topic: virtual love

As though, there is no value of apologizing even if asked for and would not be

effective to you.

Even though, SORRY for what I just did.

Somehow, I find this virtuality much better than reality. That’s why; I message you

again and again.

I love you Chitra.

You are the only person after my family valuable for me.

I wish if you could ever given me a single chance to prove. Then I would have

showed you how much I love you? Well, it can’t change. So, now I just have to earn

money for me and my family.

I am going now to study automata and one more thing. This virtual love is enough to

stand alone here all my life and see what else has been decided by the God for me. If

he could ruin it even more.

Love you.

I am really getting insane. You are not getting any of these.

But, I am happy with this.

Good night dear.

take care

13. DAMN SERVER

One day, this damn server started freaking me out. The mail were no longer shown

being sent.

I was scared if at least this thing did not work. Thank God that was just a genuine

server error but, for once that scared me.

Mail: 10

Topic: scared

I got scared when this damn server did not work. I thought you totally blocked me

and this is the end of my virtual love.

Thank god. It’s working.

Hhhhhh…

It’s been a month that I have not seen you.

After the exams, I had been searching for you everywhere. In H block, E1 cafeteria,

D block, Café Coffee Day and in Domino’s too. You were nowhere. Might be it was

my bad luck.

Now, you are not getting any of these. So, it’s the right time to tell you everything in

details.

I am not from any strong financial background. In fact, I never told any one if I am

from any rich family. This was one of the things that were misunderstood by you.

I was never expected if I will ever fall in this thing called Love. I was here for the

studies only and I also want to become something first. But, I do not know why

could not I control myself?

I don’t like people knowing about me more because that brings me closer to that

Person and it pains very much if he hurts me. You guys are from a reputed and well

grown families. I did not expect you to say yes to me because I better know what I

worth of.

I want to become something first. But, I am helpless too. It feels like I am betraying

two persons closest to my heart. First is my family and second are you. I know one

day will be mine if I just study. May be it would be too late for me to catch you then.

But, I will be happy at least I would be standing beside to my family happy and

make them proud over me.

Mail: 11

Topic: mailing God

I like your innocence pretty big eyes too scare the people.

I liked when you scolded me in that tutorial room with Aarushi and Anant. I was

totally mellowed in your beautiful eyes. How strange na?

When you were scolding me I just kept looking into your big pretty eyes. They got

enlarged I loved that moment and could not speak anything. As though, I have

many things in my heart that I would like to share with you but I do not know what

happens when you comes around. I could even fail to speak up a single word.

That time you kept speaking like a chatter box. I just wish for my one day when you

will be silent and let me speak everything that I always wanted.

Take care. Good night.

Mailing you seems like I am mailing to god who is peaceful listener.

GOD IF YOU ARE GETTING THESE.

PLEASE HELP OR TAKE ME. Whoa! Am I really getting freak? I can’t leave

family. God I love them more than anyone else even much more than her.

I named you cta because I thought it’s C-ta(sita). But, being a ruthless person you

showed the real in you. What ever, I love her.

God do what ever is written in our destinies.

Bye

Good night dear.

I knew that she had blocked me very earlier. In fact, she did not get any of my

mails. I thought, in practicality of life, I can not say a single word about her. Here, I

can better justify myself being unnoticed. I started justifying myself her through

mails and started sharing all the things I always wanted to share with her. It was

crazy. But, gave me a satisfaction of justifying myself that I could not do in

front of her. I made it my habit to mail her. As if she is reading all of these and I

am talking to her.

Mail: 12

Topic: let start it again

I don’t know how many times I need to tell you one thing.

I love you.

You know what; yaar, I did not tell anyone about us. I have no idea how did they

get to know about it.

But, you don’t trust me at all. I don’t know why do I message you daily. You don’t

even get these. Why am I justifying myself to you when it doesn’t effect you any

more. I thought you are very serious kind of girl believes in one man women and

wish to fall in love. As I still believe in my love. No matter I am with you or without

you. Many times people told me the same thing that you are not that kind of girl I

expected you were.

Is this true?

If so, I need to be punished because I loved you. Do you remember when I called you

in the library?

I thought you would come. But, you did not and let me down again.

Even though, I thought you would come.

I kept waiting for hours in the library and outside even after closing of the college.

What ever.

God please help me. Either you just vanish all her memories else take me with you.

Please,

Why are you torturing me in installments take and finish this mess up.

She is really a good girl.

She always deserved better than me. But, help me to forget as soon as possible.

I hope you are getting these all. Bye god and love you cta.

Mail: 13

Topic: crazy but heartily

I do not know where these things are leading to. I loved you and it’s clearly a big no

from your side then what drags me back at the same point. What will you do if a

person writes I love you on every single petal of a red rose,

I wrote it. In your language these kind of people a mentally retarded. You would

care even if make a second Taj Mahal for you. It was a joke you may laugh. Hehehe.

But, trust me I love you. I do not want you too then why do you hate so much.

In fact, I wrote sorry on every single petal of a white rose. I wished to gift you those

but it reminds me of that stole that I gifted you. I thought you will also throw them

on my face too. But, I still have those in my dairy dried.

May be I am crazy about you. But, I love to be that way.

May be I am mad. But, I am still happy being mad.

I wish if you could ever read all those mails by deriving a little time from your all

time busy schedule.

Goodbye and take care

I start using mails as my diary. I had lost my two diaries of about two hundred and

fifty pages each. More over, I lost them when they were about to complete. This time

I did not want to loose it once again. So, I better considered mailing her as a diary.

Mail: 14

Topic: I see you

Today was my day.

May be you won’t believe me. But, I saw you after such a long time before the exam.

That could be one of the reasons for a good exam.

I love you cta.

It’s not the time to cry more.

After all, you are the reason for my happiness not the sadness. So, cheers to life. I

wish if you could also know this.

I love you.

Hey, I have no idea what else I can talk about.

Today, I could have talked to you. But, I did not because of the two reasons.

a) Next exam. That is also for you. As though, I could have talked to you. But, I was

a little hopeless about the next exam.

b) I thought no, I should not because I don’t know what is in your heart.

Reading girl’s mind is the toughest task in the whole universe but, if I ever get to

know that you also feeling the same thing for me as i feel for you then, I can even

stand over the stage and can shout my heart out.

“Chitra I luv you”

Nothing to talk about more, I don’t know what does she wants. In front of me, she

always pretends always to be single. But, now I think she was always been in a

commitment.

But, why could not I just vanish her from my memories.

I love her and I don’t think if I would ever be able to forget her.

Bye.

God! It was never meant for sex or any wrong intentions. It is just about the love

and the feeling that I have in the core of my heart for her.

luv u cta...

Next day

It was just a fair exam. It could not see her for long time of about five days.

Hahaha.. It was a joke.

Exam breaks were the pathetic time to spare. I could wait to see her again. She has

not been seen for the last five days. On the sixth day, I saw Eeshita who was her best

friend and they used to sit at the same place. She knew everything about us. She was

staring me as if I did a murder. Chitra had told about our story to most of her

friends. They were all aware of that. Most of the class members in our class knew all

about us. Those who were in my favor came for a sympathy session and who those

who were against me kept staring me like an intruder.

Mail: 16

Topic: I saw eeshita

Today, my exam was not good. I did fair enough to pass. I wish if I could get

some good marks.

I didn’t see you. But, I saw Eeshita as she always do staring at me like

Man! What the heck? I did.

I know I did some mistakes. But, I am also a human being and it can be happen to

anyone. Humans make mistakes. None of us is born perfect.

So, did I need to be punished for a single thing for my whole life?

The only difference is that she did not want to listen to me.

What ever I did; I have already compensated for that a lot of times.

I wish if I could have talked to you yesterday itself.

But, I am afraid if i do some thing that could drive the things in worst conditions.

From my side, I can preserve this virtuality of love on my side forever.

If she will ever feel anything about me then, she has my mobile no. She can contact

me easily. By the way, I do not think so if that would ever going to happen and find

myself mailing her even after the graduation.

I should just wait if she does so but, why I can’t forget her till that day at least.

I luv you cta.

Mail: 17

Topic: must talk

Today,

I have decided to talk to you on the last exam of computer graphics.

Yes! I have to do this.

I will go and will to her and will say "I give up. I have tried a lot. But, I can’t resist

myself any more to speak out to you.

Here is the script ready for the conversation:

“Listen, if you could just talk to me for a while in private” I would say.

Then;

Please let me know what is in your heart; I know you better told me a clear No but

let me tell one more thing it is been a year to that thing. I wish if you would have

changed. That time I never talk to you and never said that I love you Chitra. Yes,

for the first time in front of you I confess it that I love you Chitra. I always been

scared but now I can not do this anymore. If you feel something for me then, please

tell me now, if you love someone else who is there in your heart. I will not talk to you

further about this. In fact, I would not even ask you the name of that person''.

This is it.

In my room, I was practicing for the dialogues that I had to say in front of her the

next day. There was one of my seniors in my PG name Subhash. I was little close to

him.

“Hello, Brij. Are you in there?” he asked knocking the door.

“Yes, I am here. Wait for a second.” I replied.

I opened the door and hide the script in the blanket.

“What were you hiding by the way and why did you talk to yourself? Are you all

right?” he questioned me.

“Nothing” I replied.

“Ok. What ever, someone is calling you downstairs” he told me.

I went downstairs but nobody was there. I came back and saw Subhash Bhaiya

reading my dialogues.

He was making fun out of it. He too had a girlfriend. More over, I had a good

relationship with him. So, I told him everything. After hearing the whole story.

Subhash bhaiya asked me if she is Sindhi and I said may be I don’t know.

Then, he asked me for her last name. I said it is vatwani. He told me she is Sindhi

and advised me to forget her.

I told him when I first saw her for the first time.

Her name was just Cheshta. I didn’t know her caste and religion. I just loved her.

May be Sindhis are so arrogant.

But, I am also a Bhramin and we say love is worship.

Sindhi Versus Bhramin..

My faith says I will surely win her heart someday.

Before that, I have to make myself better.

Let's see.

Today, I just saw Chavvi (her sister) on the facebook. She is also pretty as you are.

Bye. Take care.

Mail: 18

Distance always makes you realize the worth of the person you always want to be

with. Exactly, this was what used to happen to me several times while breaks. What

the only thing I could do was mailing her and I did like always as if she used to read

any of these. I had trust and I stopped mailing her ever.

Topic: break

Now, I really need to talk to her.

Enough is enough and this is more than enough.

What if she will say the same thing as she said before?

No, I should not. I should let her realize if she loves me or not. If she don’t have the

feelings for me. I will wait for her call. It may take years but, I would not ever force

her because if I do. Then, that will not be good. Love is free like a bird. So, let her

wings chase more skies.

Even, if she doesn’t love me. Let it be like this. I can live like this without her.

I don’t know if I would have seen her tomorrow or not.

I wish if I could see her and make my one more day as in that previous exam.

I don’t know how would I spare these three months. Why do we have these

holidays?

five days study, is not that enough? Then why these three months break for?

It was the last exam. After that, I would not see her for the next three months. I

wanted to see her for the last time before I leave for home but I failed to do so. She

had already planned to go for a movie with her friends. I could not see her for the

last time.

Mail: 20

Every time at the last examination of every semester makes me upset because after

these she will not be visible days but this thing, she never realized and every last day

of the end semester examination, she always used to had a movie plan with her

friends.

It’s may freak out some readers but I never ever had a movie in my entire

Graduation. It’s was not because I she was not with me. In fact, it was because I

could not afford and unaffordability was one more reason of not wanting her in my

life. As though, my love for her was enormous but, it was physically and financially

weak. I never find myself eligible for her.

The reason of sticking to this thing was that this thing was also bringing some

positive changes in me though.

Topic: exams over

My eyes were searching for you. But, they failed to find you.

Somebody told me you must be gone for a movie with your friends. Well I hope you

had a nice time. The exam was good was fair enough to get good marks.

I hope you have also done well.

As though, I said that you are not the reason for my sadness but for

my happiness.

But, I don’t know why these water drops are coming out of my eyes. Look like tears

I guess. I just want to see you one more time. I hope if you could ever understand

me. For the last time before the exams I could not see her.

I just came back to PG as soon as I could just to mail you. It was all my bad luck

that the inverter got down. I just wanted to mail you for the last time before I leave

for home.

I rushed to the nearest cyber café. Thank god! They have inverter working.

Bye.

It’s my last mail before the holidays.

Take care of yourself.

14. NOT AGAIN

I wanted to forget her. But, the more I tried the more she came to my mind hurting

me, killing me from inside. It was out of my control and I just mailed her once

again. I was confused and flexible. I could not decide whether I wanted to forget her

or love her. I just left all things to God and followed my heart.

It was a stormy weather. I was worried about her. It was going to be the first heavy

rain in Delhi. I had been through my television channels. They were all talking

about miss happenings in Delhi due heavy rain. It was about flood in Delhi. The

news was scaring me a lot. I just wanted to know how was she doing but I was

helpless I had her number but could not even call her.

Mail: 21

Topic: scared

Weather is so wild and I am so calm here worrying about you. Thinking of you all

night long.

Every raindrop that penetrates my heart, feels me like the chill experience I never

had till date and every news comes along with a question in my mind if you are

okay. I want to call you but my conscience never gave me permission to do so.

Are you all right? I had been listening about heavy rain in Delhi. Please Do not

come out from your house. Be safe there. Take care of yourself you living two lives.

If you want to get wet in the rain you may use your terrace. I also there feeling

proud to be under the same sky but please do not stay in rain for long. You may get

cold.

Day by day, you are turning me into a philosopher.

But, seriously worry about you and wanted to hold your hand and walk out up to a

certain distance in rain.

Feeling this rain on my body makes me believe that we are sharing a common

Shelter above our heads.

Why the people especially when they are in love loves only one season that’s

Rain and there favorite color is sky blue.

She is not like all girls. She must love some other seasons because she is directly

opposite as the way I am.

Today, I saw a small girl of about six years old. She was crying in the corridor in

college campus.

Might be any faculty's daughter.

“Why are you crying kiddo?” I asked her

“My brother took my chocolate from me and went into the boy’s toilet” she told me

in her sweet voice.

“why did not you follow him?” I smiled and asked.

“Don’t you know that’s a boy’s toilet” She said.

She was so innocent like you. I liked her. I called his brother from the toilet.

He was hiding from her and suddenly mam came and I said to myself time to go

buddy.

Chitra was so innocent. I thought so but, all these things are just waste for her.

But, what else I suppose to do when the best part in me was always belongs to her.

I still love her. It may happen if she is just trying to be hard but she is always been

soft like a feather.

Love you Chitra.

It was last attempt to call her. I said to myself everything is going to be alright and I

called her. It was not reachable. She had changed her number once again.

I knew the person who must have her new number. It was Kapil.

As though, he was good friend but when ever it comes to help, he always back out.

The next day, I called Kapil. I asked him to call her on my behalf and convince her

to meet me once or talk to me. She did not want to talk to me. I again called Kapil to

give her number but he refused. I just left with me alone. Being alone, the only thing

I could do was to mail her and I did.

Mail: 22

Topic: just for once

I called Kapil to tell her that I was asking for her mobile number but, how

disgusting people they are? He messaged her just to save his pennies. This is called

the practicality of life, I need to learn. Fuck off the feelings. If anyone ask you for

help, rather than just him search for your interest. Then I forced her and assured

him to recharge his number by fifty rupees, he called her and now I have not been

informed yet. I am still waiting for his reply but, no result. I again called him to

know what she said. She does not want to talk, Kapil told me.

I do not know why she does not want to talk to me. Am

“Am I that much bad? Doesn’t I even deserve to talk to the only girl I love the most?

Does not she have even a single second of her life to talk to me?” I asked myself.

Take care dear.

I was feeling so worthless. I needed to make myself worthy. That could be one of the

reasons why I never talked to her in class. I started feeling inferior to her also.

One day, I got to know something different about her. She did want to continue

her studies in Amity. She wanted to leave the college. That’s why she did not come

in second semester exams. She was busy preparing for AIEEE and other

engineering entrance examinations but, unfortunately, she could not clear and got

back in Amity. Here, she had to clear her all papers of the second semester too. I

really respect her. She is so hard working girl that shows how career oriented she

is.

“What am I? wasting my life on her. I love her does not I would spoil my future. It

may happen if she would not be there in my future but if really love her I should

better leave her alone and make my future that’s related to my family.” I said to

myself.

As though, I promised myself to leave her alone but my mails to her were not

bothered her anyhow, I knew it because I had been blocked by her very earlier. I

had faith in my love that some day, she would realize and wills to meet me once by

herself only.

I never stopped mailing her. Those were the evidences of that time I spent without

her but, always stayed in touch with her through my mails.

Mail: 23

Topic: nightmare

Again, I failed to see her in our computer viva. I thought she will be giving the

exams for the second semester. Chitra was really an idol for me to follow. How

daring she is? Apart from the regular examinations, she was giving all the exams of

the second semester as well and I knew it but, I was just confused and didn’t want to

make her tense anyhow because there was the mathematics exam the next day.

Now, exams are over. I wished she had devoted the best in her. Of course she does.

She is an intelligent girl unlike bimbos and I am proud of her to be in love with her.

luv u cta..

That night was little dark than usual nights. I was desperately wants to meet her.

All night long I just kept thinking of her. I had a nightmare. I was really scared

about her and in middle of the night at about 2’O clock I called Kapil to know if she

is all good and if we could meet for once. It had been for months to that time when

we met for the last time so, I requested to meet her once again. Might be he had

called her I don’t know. But, these practical people never change. So, Kapil didn’t

call me again. So, I called him and asked. He said with his so called Bhai giri style.

“Ha bhai. What happened?” he said.

“Need not to panic on these practical People who used to forget what has just

happened” I said to myself. So I remind him about the whole thing again.

“Oh! Yes. Bhai she said that was over that day itself when you got her last reply. I

don’t want to talk to him again” Kapil told me.

Here it comes the sympathy session I just disconnected the phone.

”I thought she would have changed and can agree to talk to me” I told myself. But, I

was wrong. No! She won’t change her opinion regarding me ever.

Why she would?

Just for me. Hang on! dude you are nobody for her. Why does she waste her

precious time over me?

But, God! Just tell me one thing.

Why did I fall in love with her; when I could not ever get her?

Why do I miss her all the time; when I should not miss her?

Mail: 24

Topic: five minutes

Kapil promised me to make her convince to talk to me for the last time. That was

going to be the last chance for me to speak to her. I will be having just five minutes

to say and now I would just speak out every thing I always wanted. As though, these

five minutes were not enough for me describe all things but meeting her once in

itself was a very rare chance for me.

“Hhhhmm.... I sighed. This is going to be my last and the only chance. But, I am just

worried that how would I merge the silence of about two years into five minutes” I

asked myself.

I luv u. Chitra..

Will she ever know me?

Most probably not.

She will never know me and I will be just waiting for endless period. She will never

know that how much I love her. She has no idea that how far we could have gone

with this feeling of love.

I can live this, no matter she gets to know or not. I just want to be loyal at my part

as she had been hating me with loyalty.

She is also not wrong. You can not force someone to love you. But, how can I forget

this. The person, I always loved. How can you forget the person who get stuck

somewhere in you?

How?

Again she refused to meet me.

Am I that much bad; she can’t even talk to me? Not because I want her, just to

justify myself that I am not what she has been always thinking of about me.

So, Kapil did not called again, if she never thinks of me.

Why I trust her? Even after getting betrayed over every trust, I did on her. If it’s

over, then, why is not this just getting over? What is left?

Why it’s paining? It is love and I now it is true. In love, you suffer but, always feel

so good. At least you are not like the people out there. At least, it’s not over from

your side and I can go far with this. No matters if I am going to get anything or not?

Keep moving. Nobody knows may be you get the reason for your birth. Chitra is not

my goal. She is my inspiration in every phase of my life. After getting the answer

from her side, I started weeping. I don’t know why? I really love her and I don’t

know what to do?

And you don’t need to do anything regarding this love. It’s all up to you my God.

Even after reading all those mails if she don’t want to meet me. Then, I can also live

without her.

“oh really” I said to myself. I need to learn it by now.

The only difference is she will easily get some one matching her personality. She can

easily patta(her language) any one but, here I will be just waiting for the

impossible things to happen with my endless hope.

Mail: 25

Topic: Be practical

When I again messaged to Kapil to convince her to talk to me,

the reply was “that’s the way of life dude . Be Chilled and enjoy your life bindass

with no feelings for any one. Try for someone else and have sinful life dude.”

May be that’s the practicality of life that I need to understand by time. How the one

can easily say this the way he did. Of course he can he did not fall for anyone yet. I

am sure someday he also fell in love with someone and will get to know how does

this practicality of life hurts one life.

There was a girl in our class who was very close to Kapil. Just to make him feel

something, I asked about Kamna.

Kamna was like my only sister in my class. As though, we rarely talk to each other

but some how she knew me a little better than anyone else in my class. She was also

close to Kapil.

“Hey, brother how does Kaman feel at Bed?” unwillingly I asked him.

“Do not you dare to use this language about Kamna else I will screw you up” he

warned me.

“Now, what happened? Be practical man. No feelings for anyone. These are your

words dude. Sorry for what I just said about Kamna. I just wanted you to feel and

make you realize that feelings for someone can not be changed. I know you still have

the feelings for Aarushi which will never going to vanish until you die. As though,

our stories are different that Aarushi loves Anant but, I still have the hope that she

is single. Mind my words.

Listen, I said I hate her. Does not mean I really do. I love her. Yaar, this is life. You

need to have some one to care and cry for and in my life that’s Chitra only” I told

Kapil.

That made him still for a while because I better knew that he still loves Aarushi.

Their story is quiet funny. Kapil was in a group of about six to seven girls. From the

beginning itself, Kapil and Aarushi were always been close friends. Apart from

friendship Kapil started feeling something unusual about Aarushi. When he was

little sure about what he feels for Aarushi is a sort of love. He told Anant about it,

who already was in love with Aarushi for months. Kapil did not know if Anant

could felt something for Aarushi. Kapil told Anant that he loves Aarushi asked if he

could make Aarushi to talk to him in private. Anant was in shock for a while but he

did not reacted and told him he will try.

Five days later, Aarushi agreed to talk to him. Kapil, who always been a man full of

confidence, walked in the lecture theatre with a couple of roses to give Aarushi.

What happened in that lecture theatre is:

“Hi Aarushi. How are you? I just brought some couple of roses for you.” confident

Kapil said to Aarushi.

“Kapil. I want to tell you one thing. I am so sorry but, I already love someone else

and you better know him” she told Kapil.

Kapil’s dreams terribly shaken by her words but somehow he gathered some

confidence.

“Well, who is that lucky guy?” he asked.

“That’s Anant. A day before yesterday, he called for a coffee in a Barista and

proposed me there itself. He told me he loves me a lot. I was surprised and that

moment I fell for him. I am so sorry, I never thought about you that way. You were

always been my friends and will be for ever but I do not find if this relation could

work for us. Sorry” she told Kapil and broke his heart.

He regreted himself that why did he tell Anant who took the opportunity and

proposed her before he could do?

Kapil did not come to the college for days but when he came back he doest not seem

broke. He was all again the same guy full of confidence. It was all easy for him to

forget her because he was trying to plan love forgetting that love is an accident not a

plan but touchwood Anant got success in his plan to love Aarushi. He succeed

because Aarushi herself had feelings for Anant apart from just friendship that’s

why he succeed.

Bye and take care.

Mail: 26

Topic: My dream

You won’t believe me. But, I just saw you in my dream, you were wearing a yellow

Sharee and were looking like an angel. Al though, you look more beautiful in purple

or sky blue. But, that moment you were in just mind blowing outfit. That is that

kind of girl, I can even wait for the more next two years until I graduate.

Even, if it’s not enough I can even wait for many more years and I am really

serious for her from the core of my heart. May be it’s awful to you because you are

so practical. But, it’s me not you.

Not again, wearing the same colors. Purple this time.

Miss attitude just walked through beside me and I just kept stunned. I was trying

myself not to see her. But, could not control over my eyes and I just had a glimpse of

her beautiful face. She was normal as if she knows nothing pretending herself not to

be noticed.

“Practical people” I said to myself.

But, I knew this is going to hurt me only. But, I feel so good no matter how much it

hurts me but I really feel the period when my heart starts racing.

Loving someone, crying for some one and you better know they will never

understand. Even though, you carries something somewhere a hope for the

possibilities for impossible things to happen.

I thought she won’t be there. But, she was sitting on the floor at first I did not notice

her.

Then, Himanshu was standing in front of me. So, I took the opportunity and saw

her. She was wearing a white kurta. Today, I wish if I could talk to her. But, she

don’t want to talk to me. Am I that much bad? If writing SORRY on every single

petal of a white rose still seems to be a show off to her. Then, she will never

understand and I will be just waiting for her my life time.

May be she noticed me but, why is she so still?

Is she waiting for my call? No, she never waits for anyone. Whatever I have planned

to gift her, those rose petals. But, we did not meet.

Today, I was happy and I know she noticed that and she better aware that I love

her.

Let her think.

Let her take her time.

Mail: 27

Topic: space

It‘s 2’O clock in the morning and I don’t know why did I started thinking about

her? I am in my room. I am just wondering about her. But, why am I thinking of

her or how can I think of girl who won’t be having even a single tear in her eyes

over my dead body. Even If she knows that I am dead. In fact, she will rather be

more happy getting the rid of me. I can’t stop thinking of her?

Love really makes you so weird. I just wonder if I could gather some words,

conjugate them to make sentences enough to describe my exact situation that I had

gone through that night but somehow I gathered all my strength and made that

painful night.

The next day, I was sitting with Kapil in the corridor.

Then, Eeshita came from the other side and had a look. I thought, Chitra must be

following her and she will not be comfortable if I sit with Kapil because Kapil was

sitting with Kamna, mehek, chetna and others of their group.

So, I thought it is better to stand up and let her sit with her friends. I left their

company and moved to somewhere else.

It was the last day of this semester. Examinations were about to get over.

In her viva, she was wearing suit green white combination.

She was looking so confident. I wish if I could get some bits of confident in me and

say“Hey, cta I love you, I know it's stupid and more over you don’t care.

But, I just love you from the core of my heart.

But, what if she again does the same thing.

Even, she did not read any of my mails. Let it be just up to me.

I love her and I know that.

I am not supposed to force anyone to love me.

luv u cta.

Mail : 28

Topic : Summers

Next two months were going to be very painful to me. They were May and June.

These summer break were really hard to pass. It was impossible to see at all. I knew

she would never understand me. I thought nor I should waste my time on her and I

went to my cousin’s place at Mathura. I thought if I could help myself forgetting

her but that was all opposite. In fact, that place also made realize even more that I

really need her in my life and it’s not a fake. That night was more than enough to

It’s all true about love.

Last night, it was just about to loose my virginity. I was in Muthura right then. My

cousin introduced me to his school friend Riya seth from DPS Mathura. Rahul, my

cousin knew everything about me. Three of us went to pizza hut in Mathura to hang

out at night. Rahul took his friend’s car Maruti 800. After that, the whole night

we were exploring the whole Mathura. They were drunken two bottles of Foster’s

each. I was happy with my coke. Rahul slept in the car itself. Riya and I was

standing alone in the mid way of national high way 2 which goes to Delhi. I don’t

know what the heck came into her mind and she urged me to kiss her. I was stunned

and then, she dropped herself over me. She was totally drunk and out of control.

Then, she started touching the very sensitive parts of mine. For once, I thought who

is going to know about this because we were all alone. But, thank to God. My love

for cta did not allow me to do that. I said I love you cta. Then, everything changed

and I just removed her hands from my shoulders and after

few minutes, she slept over my shoulder.

I put her on the back seat and sat on the front seat of the car. Thank god. Next day,

she asked about the last night.

I said nothing. She insisted and I told her everything.

“and you did nothing. How can I believe upon you?” she asked.

It was awkward to tell her about cta.

When I told her about cta, for a while she stared at me and asked even though, why

do I love her?

”Thank God or else cta would have killed me” she said to herself.

“I have been asking the same question for last one and half year to myself” I said.

luv u cta...

Two months down, again the same class and I told her that I am changing ma

section.

Today, they denied changing my section. They can’t change the section on the basis

of the reason, I gave. When, she will again see me after two months. She wills

definitely, think that I lied to show off and I don’t love her. But, the question is did

she ever think of me..?

Luv u Cta

Mail: 40

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

Add sender to Contacts To: "cta" <ctav2003@yahoo.co.in>

So, finally her sister has also told me that she did not even think of me. I never been

into her thought ever and me crazy for her, can’t give even a single damn second to

forget her. I don’t love her. I don’t want to love her any more.

I hate her. But, how can I hate her? She did not dump me or something. When I

love her, how can I think of hating that girl?

Nowadays, the girls never want boys to love them. They just want guys who have the

guts to get them into their beds and they don’t want boys who only love them.

Unfortunately, the girl, Cta is one of them. These girls just deserve those guys who

starts from the bed and ends there itself. But, I just want her in front of me and just

want to keep on talking to her endlessly.

Luv u cta...

That day, I did one more stupid thing.

Mail: 41

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

Add sender to Contacts To: "cta" <ctav2003@yahoo.co.in>

It is over now. Okay. It was not love. It was the damn chapter of my life that ruined

up my one year and now, I am no longer interested in dragging this further I love

her like hell and she did not even asked for a single time that how am I? when I was

hospitalized. For her, I am no longer exists. I hate girls they need just one thing a

horny guy, she will be crying sitting at corner of the bed and will think of me. That

day, I will not be there to stop her tears. I don’t want to see that day. But, I have to

hate her else, I will be suffering my whole life. I won’t change myself I love my

Aadi(my nephew). Today, I removed all the girls from my profile. May be I am

wrong. But, I did what I wanted.

No girls no tension.

This was the day which did prove present is the consequence of past only. It is not at

all different. I met the person, I never expected to meet in future after the last

meeting. I met Priya. When ever, I tried to shut down the back door. Suddenly, my

destiny kept kicking to break that. It was very hard to escape from my past.

Mail: 42

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

Add sender to Contacts To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

Everything in my routine, some how relates me to her. Today, I met Priya. She was

the first girl who made me realized that I Love cta. I was in central mall Gurgaon.

She was there to get a dress for their college’s fresher party. She asked about her

and I felt like the more I try to forget her even more she is in front of me. Whatever,

I just changed the topic and I left. She annoyed me and asked me one more time. I

told her everything. She told me again the some thing. Yes, believe me one day she

will come to you and that day you will get all your answers. Don’t worry. Then, we

had a sort of meal together. I felt better by her wordings.

But Literally, I just kept yearning of it.

Luv u cta.

I can’t forget you ever in life. I wish if I could just live that day. When you will get to

know how I loved you.

Best part of my life

I do not know how I could miss this part of life. But, shit man. I did. All thanks to

cta.

What could be the best part of one’s life? When he encounters the situation about

which he just had the rumors. That was Virginity.

I am a 19 years old virgin. In 18, I fell for her. I just had the rumors about sex. But,

never experienced myself.

In India, parents never teach their children about how did they come?

If in any case if a small child ask the same question rumors starts here.

“Papa! How did I born?” an innocent child asks his father.

Father gets little nervous about the question and his mother in kitchen smiles.

Father rumors him with his answer.

“aahh. Son, you must have heard about the angels. They just dropped you in front

of our house as gift from God” father replies.

Confused child tells his friends and the rumors shapes.

As though, I knew about sex but never had.

But, it is not a thing to be proud of because virginity is not a dignity but just a lack

of opportunities, that I let slipped from my hands because it did find that is fair.

Mail: 43

Topic: Mathura

That night was alone, wanted to write something about her. Then, two of the poem

that i used to write for her and the one that i wrote after the freshers party. As

though, there was nothing between us. But, still I had the same feelings for her.

I was reading my own diary and smiling reminding those beautiful moments.

Suddenly caught with these two poem I wrote for her, best describing my situation.

Mail: 44

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

Add sender to Contacts To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

Why you did this to me? I never expected this to see. I know we can’t go further

anymore. But, I promise I will make sweet this sour.

Hey, love it hey, love it

Leave it or leave it.

I just wanted to hold your hand and drive you away up to loveland.

Where there is only me and you,

Staring at each other you to me and me to you.

Don’t break this till your kiss.

When, you won’t be here. I will miss youFor this...

love it...

Hey, love it...Leave it

or leave it...Bt, you please Tell me what you did?.

Missing her like hell and came out this. Luv u cta..

Poem: 2

I never really knew you

you were not even my friend

But when I got to know,

I let my heart unbend.

I couldn't help past memories

that would only make me cry

may be this is the result of being a shy.

I'll let you go

I love you more than me

I just had to let you know

And if you ever wonder why

I don't know what I'll say

But I'll never stop loving you

each and every day

My feelings for you will never change

Just know my feelings are true

Just remember one thing

that I Love You!

I know it’s non sense. But, I tried.

Mail: 45

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

Add sender to Contacts

To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

Today was the holiday in the college. But, I had to go take some print out from the

P3. I am in college now. I am waiting for the electricity to come. Mean while, I saw a

girl.

“That’s her. No she is not. That’s her. No she is not” I said to myself again and

again.

My curiosity forced me to stalk her. The girl noticed me noticing her. It’s

quite obvious if some one stares a girl like this. She may feel good or bad. She

turned to me. But, she said nothing and just walked through in book store. She was

look alike her. I went to take some printouts. Again she stared at me from inside the

store. No. She was not her. I am going mad. This girl (cta) is driving me crazy and

love to be. That girl kept staring at me and I moved out to take my prints because I

did not want her misunderstand me. I love her only. The feeling of loving her is

enough to make me forget the pain. But, the feeling is so good.

Luv u cta...

Mail: 47

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

Add sender to Contacts

To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

She came into my life to teach me how to live alone. Okay….

I respect her and yes I can live alone. If she want to know how much I am missing

her just let her try to catch a drop of water and the drops she miss, is enough to

express that how much I miss her. But, it’s also true that the art of speaking is

useless till the second person don’t want to hear you. But, I just want to see her once

and I don’t have any of her photos. I just want to fall in love with her. Again she

called me a looser. I want to abuse her. But, what the heck is in heart annoying me

to say any wrong word about her. Whenever, my mind tries to say wrong about her.

My conscience makes me realize that I love her. I don’t know what she wants to

achieve in life. She has accomplished many big things. What else she want. I hope if

she is not going to marry Karan kundra, her favorite actor. But, she never knows

life is made up of small things. Life is realty not a TV serial. I wish if there is a back

space in life so that I could. Now, I have stopped dreaming because in my dreams

she is mine.

Uffff. But, in reality that’s my dream. When I close ma eyes I see her and when I

open them. I Miss her so much. So, sometimes I think of keeping them closed for

forever. The only, reason is my family and My Addi and I console myself saying

“THIS MOMENT IS NOT PERMANENT. EVERYTHING WILL BE OLRITE”.

There is always two sides of life one is pain

and sec is pleasure. It is first side and I need to wait for the second side to flip. I

don’t know why I love her. I just know one thing that loving her was the second best

thing in my life first was Addi.

Thank God. This pain could turn into pleasure if I were known that she thinks of

me. Now, I will never let her know that yes. I love her. Even, if it means me to go

without her, if it means me to hurt myself everyday, if it means me to live without

her alone.

I luv u cta...

Mail: 48

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

Add sender to Contacts

To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

Today, it had been so long to see her about a month. Naman, my friend told me she

had been seen with a guy in GIP coming out of the movie theatre. I was on the bike

that time from Noida to Faridabad on National Highway-2 when he told me.

I was on the speed of about 80kmph. Reasoning about her was killing me. All

frustration was on the bike. There was a Honda city in front of me driving.

Unexpectedly, the driver pulled the brakes and I don’t know what happened after

that. The next time when I opened my eyes I was lying on the bed in hospital. Some

stitches in leg. Bike is in its worst condition. I want to kill that driver. Why did not

he kill me?

Now, lying on bed mailing you makes me feel better.

I no it’s stupid. But, what to do she has just stuck some where in me.

Luv u cta...

Mail: 49

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

Add sender to Contacts

To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

Today, I saw her photo on the facebook after such a long time.

I luv u cta, again I messaged her. I better know she will not reply. I can’t live like

this. I love her. God. I want her to think abusive about me. So that I could start

hating her too. How can I love a girl? Who does not even aware of the accident and

who did not ask me after ask if I am alive.

How can I?

She is busy enjoying her life to the fullest. Someone told me that she will come to

college and I could not stop myself and ride it to my college. But, I did not see her

even after waiting for hours. I was disappointed and while, coming back. Caught up

in this and opened my eyes on the bed. In Fortis hospital, a good looking nurse

holding my hand and asked me “How are you feeling now?”.

I said “Better than the best”.

Just kidding I said better only.

She was so caring. But, my cta. As though, she is so tough. But, she is choo

chweet...

That’s why I love her. That is the problem. When ever, I think of her. Her innocent

face start revolving arround my head covering all worst in her. I do not know why I

love her so much.

I luv u cta..

Regret

I blamed for the acciedent that I should not be. After all, I love her. How can I be

such a selfish. She did ask me to meet. I was the fool who just followed. She is always been so innocent and loving herself.

Mail: 50

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

Add sender to Contacts

To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

Sorry, for blaming you for the accident. You were not there that time. That time it

was just me who has been ruining his life for you. I can’t blame you. Sorry again.

I got hospitalized after the accident. Nobody called me. Juss Apurv called me and

asked. luv u yaar.Some times I think no one cares of me other than my family. Am I

the only one who is alone? The girl I love, she don’t bother I die or live. I am so

confused. I don’t know where am I heading to? But, I have to live for my family. I

am not the coward. I have to pass through this phase of life too.

Luv u cta

Mail: 51

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

Add sender to Contacts

To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

I don’t know why I love her. I just happened. Love doesn’t understand reasoning.

She doesn’t bother about me. She is happy. One can’t find even a single stretch on

her head. More over, she is enjoying movies with her friends and all. Even though, I

would just say one thing to me that one day will come up with my shine. Till that

day, I have to sustain these hardships.

Till, my intermediate, I never failed in life. In graduation, I had failed. One should

fail in life for once. So, he/she could know the value of wining. If you observe your

surroundings, you will see to yourself, the failures reaching to the top and I want to

be one of those. They also went through these kinds of phases of life.

Luv u cta

I love her. But, I should not force her. Let her know if she loves me. If she is happy

without me, then, I should also be happy for her and if she never get understand my

silence. Then, how would she understand my words. I apologized to her for

messaging her.

I must wait for the right time.

Today, I blamed her for the accident. I should not have blamed her. I went for her.

She did not ask me to fall for her. That was my entire fault. I can’t blame her. I am

sorry my love.

I love her a lot.

Mail: 54

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

Add sender to Contacts

To: ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

Who says I can’t get stoned. I have to get when everything has fallen a part. Every

love story does not have the happy ending. Nothing goes okay in the end. Once, she

said our life is like movies. Fairy tales, love stories, enchantments and love. Was that

just for getting good marks?

She got good marks.

Damn you SRK

Nothing goes fine in the end and it is the end. Nothing is left.

For the last time I am feeling this love in my heart, consoling myself, and saying this

with my screaming voice whispering in my ears dominating my scream.

I luv u cta.... But, I will not. Not further.

My Birthday

Mail: 55

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

Add sender to Contacts

To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

It is my birth day. As though, I did not contact her for a long time. But, off course I

am really missing her so much. Missing the person who never thought of you is

always painful.

I thought she would have forgotten everything. But, I know she won’t like to wish

me. But, I am happy as I saw her with me last night in a dream.

I won't ever stop loving her. I wish if I could talk to her once on my birth day. Well,

I will always be there for her because my section is not changed.

May be God has planned something else for us.

I don’t know where is she now?

I really missing her.

I have her photos. This is all, I have related to her.

Mail: 56

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

Add sender to Contacts

To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

Today, I got to know that she cleared her exams of last semesters and how can She

do that? She did not attend even a single lecture of the last semester.

She wouldn’t have that much time for the preparations. My hat's off to her.

I am all yours. She is really a hard working student and I respect her. I can proudly

say to myself that I love her.

Anil told me, he broke up with her girlfriend as their parents got to know about

their relationship and now, he is like me. "No, dude. Don’t be like me. I don’t want

anyone to be like me".

At least, both of you loved each other. Not like me who has been waiting for a girl

for the last two years. The girl, who never get him and never talked to each other, I

left with nothing except ruins. As though, I did not do anything. But, even though, I

can’t even manage to have an eye contact with her. I always hide myself, when she is

around. So, don’t be like me. You will be hurting yourself only.

Mail: 58

Going to the college and seeing her smiling was a drug for me to live. I was loosing

my academics reports. But, did not mean I never tried to improve my records. In

fact some times, I did that too. My grades were little bit increased. I was kept going

on along this path with half of my heart. I could feel a ray of hope that brings me

closer to my best suitable place. That could be of a writer. I thought tears are the

solution of the problem. More over, they need to be written in the book. I was

writing on the day to day basis. I fell for her even more I captured her every single

move in the class in my blue diary. She never gets to know that I am observing.

People around me just kept wondering that do I write all the time. I did not want

them to know more about it. So, I better finds to say that I am participating in a

writing competition. They gave me a task to write a fiction. That’s I need to write all

the time.

I never stopped mailing her all the time. I better knew she would not be reading any

of them. But, I too have the hope of becoming a writer and satisfying myself and

compensating the mistakes till date. I have heard it many times that every writer

keeps his different life story. That was the thing that I feel in me. I kept writing.

Tragedy is not permanent. It comes along with a solution, encapsulated somewhere

in the tragedy itself. Some people finds it and those are the people who are on the

top today and who just keeps yearning of the solution, thinking about if there is any

escape variable.

I had the hope of that some day. I would prove everyone that one can make and

decide his future need not to follow the destiny.

Love was over now. It was the time to focus on the future. I had the little bit hope of

becoming a writer in my heart. That was very risky because if I failed then, I loose

lots of money that my parents had been spending on my studies. It was about six

lacs till that date. But, I did think about failure case and picked up my laptop and

started writing. Whatever I wrote were not just the words but it was truly I. I

had got the mirror to myself.

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

Add sender to Contacts

To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

So, the whole day I did not see her. But, I wanted to see once. It feels like something

is missing in the day. But, I could not stop the dawn and the day ended without her.

Last day, she sat with Aditya, the stud of our class. It made me feel more insecure.

“Ok, they are just good friends only. More over, she doesn’t love me then, why am I

bothering?” I said to myself.

But, please don’t show me. She knew that my eyes were on her. She started showing

it more. Might be she wanted me to make me feel jealous. God! I don’t want her.

Please don’t show me whatever she does in my back. At least, let me feel secure in

myself.

She is single as far as I am concerned and I love her. I can see her single. But, I just

can’t tolerate her flirting with other guys. She is also a human and could have the

feelings for some one. But, I don't want to encounter that person.

Today, I sent a message to her sister.

As though, every time I keep telling one thing to myself that I do not want her but, I

always failed to admit that thing.

I got the reply from her sister.

The message says "Hey, dear. I am so glad if you truly love her. I did not know

about the scene. I talked to her. She told me. Last time when you called her, you

forced her to talk to you. She could not talk to you. She was home and she did not

wanted her parents to know about it. That is why. She don't like you at all and it is

clearly no from her side. If you really love her. You would have left her alone. Please

if you love her. Then, leave her alone."

All my hope was destroyed in seconds. I did not know that I am forcing her. I

thought she didn't want to talk because I abused her. I think she is right. I would

have left her alone. Now, I will never try to do anything affecting her any how. I am

happy with my mails to her.

Mail: 6

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

Add sender to Contacts

To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

When ever, it comes to write some thing about her. I always forget to write many

things that I should have.

She was in the front class. But, I could not even think about to get in there. I think

every thing has changed. She thought about me at least bad. But, I am all fine and

happy being with jacob's theme (a blue song) and now, it's been a year and three

months and she must have forgotten everything. She has gone so far from me.

Expecting her to come would just affect me because she is always been unaffected. I

could never get her that was the only thing teasing in my heart. I wanted to know

her more than any one else. She always put obstacles in my path. So, now I have

decided that I won't be hiding myself anymore not further because it hurts more

when I don't see her.

Sometimes, I feel so lucky that finally I found the one, for whom the people just keep

yearning of and used to wait for their whole lives.

let me see you again and again. She was all over my head.

Enough is enough

Mail: 6

Topic: Complaint against God

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

Add sender to Contacts

To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

Why did not you make me emotionally strong; God?

I don't believe you anymore. Why am I hiding? I am not a girl.

Today, I have decided that I will face her at any cost. But, I failed again.

In the morning, I asked Aarushi for her notes of maths, she said she does not have.

But, she wanted to tell me a name. But, she halted. I got that.

Cta must be having. So, I messaged her after such a long span of time and asking for

her notes.

After ten months a message comes form her side

"don't have any notes cant help u"

These 7 words made me smile for a while. But, again she blocked me.

Comparatively, soar tear drops that start spilling out from my eyes were bitterer

than the sweet smile.

She must have refused me and she did have the notes. Definitely it was a rude reply

and. She just did not want to help me.

Why don't I get this? She will never understand. The girl who can't even give me

her useless notes. That kind of girl I love.

Even though, being such a mean and selfish she gets 80, 70%s.

More over, God is always with them what do i do?

Sometimes I think I should run off somewhere from my family, from her.

A long way. But, I stop when think of Addi. I can't leave him. I will make him a

playboy for these kind of girls.

She always had been a player to me. But, I don't blame her. I love her. Just because

she does not love me. I do not have any harsh feelings for her. She always said the

same thing that she hates me. In fact, she never had a think of me. Never. I am the

fool who loved her.

Mail: 6

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

Add sender to Contacts

To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

Today, I could have talked to her, as I saw her alone in corridor. My legs were

moving slowly. While, across her with every departing footstep, my heart beats were

racing higher and higher. My pulse rate was at its optimum level as if I was missing

any golden opportunity may be it was.

But, I just did not find that time comfortable to talk to her because as last times that

was a bastard's job and this could be a slap on my face.

She was looking so nice. So, what?? may be it was for her boy friend. I hate these

terminologies boyfriend and girlfriend.

According to me when you feel it is love and they are friends. Then, they are

boyfriend girlfriend. Cta must be having many boyfriends in past. Lolzz

But, what to do about this damn pain? How to relieve it?

Mail: 6

Topic: library

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

Add sender to Contacts

To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

Today, I could not see her because it was a mass bunk for the whole day. She is

going for a movie with her friends.

Last night, she refused me to give her notes. I didn't get her yet.

Whether she refused to help me or she really did not have the notes.

Some people never change like me and her in different situations we both are right.

She never loved me and I always did.

She is here in library. I can see her. Books are the best medium to stalk a girl. See

her once then suddenly, move your attention to that book in front of you. As though,

I was there to study only but as told God’s plot all these things I do not know what

he wants to prove.

It seems like he is saying to me “hahahaha…you can not escape dude. She is all

over. She will take over your mind. You can not escape from your own love. Only

thing you can do is just…Run..”

It is a really true wording no one could run from his own story.

Spam

I knew she had blocked me but some one just told me that she must be receiving those mails in her spam box. I was little scared if so because she must be thinking how crazy I am about her. I had lost all my self respect and dignity in those mails. One drawback about love is one can not think of his self respect and dignity if he is in love. There is no matter who is right or wrong; you love her make mistakes hurt her then feel sorry and appologies

Mail: 6

Topic: spam

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

Add sender to Contacts

To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

She blocked me that am for sure.

But, some one told me she must be receiving my mails in spam. I hope so. But, she

won't be reading any of them. I want to talk to her. But, I can't. This is not the right

time. In fact, the right time will never come because right time is far away from

reality and possibilities. I can talk to her. But, that won't be the way I want. What

ever she is always been happy without me. That what I want and no matter if I

always been alone or what. She is always been happy with all her friends.

We are people from two different worlds. How could we meet?

But, luv u cta as always.

Mail: 6

0Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

Add sender to Contacts

To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

I was in library. As Naman told me there are ways to hack someone's profile.

I just wanted to hack her profile. I wanted to know did she ever get any of my mails.

Naman came to library and I asked him about that content. But, that's not what i

thought of. He asked me why I need that.

After telling him every thing. He told me not to wait for her. She does not even

Bother by you. He told me she had been seen with some one in GIP.

But, I won't believe unless I see it to myself if she really does love some one she could

have told me. She won't ever think about spoiling my future.

She won't be that much heartless if she does. Then, I want to be one of the guests in

her marriage.

I can live alone without her.

My love is always been with me.

Friendship day

What I have experienced in life is before you start loving a person. You must be

his/her friend at least. But my love was totally abrupt. I just saw her with someone

and proposed her. I would advice everyone not to do that stupid mistake ever. You

must start a genuine friendship.

As though, my loving style was not at all bad. But, it was a love at first sight in

which success rate is just 25%.

Mail: 6

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

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To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

I would have done dis before my confession of love to her. It would have been better

to write on my diary first. So, she must be enjoying with her friend and all,

Specially with one, she loves. It is friendship day. Well, I am not restless. In fact, I

am always been happy with her happiness. Because she got the one she loved.

Otherwise, some people just keep yearning of love. I had sent her a friendship

greeting through my google account. She did not reply again. Might be she blocked

me.

Whatever, I wish if we could be friends and could know more about her.

But, she never talked to me. The last words, I heard from her was a bastard.

Well, happy friendship day dear.

Mail: 6

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

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To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

Today was a special day for me. It was the day when I fell in love with love with her.

It's was the day when I realized that she is the girl I had been searching for life. She

is the girl, because of which this heart near stroke for any other girl. As same as I

the Hindi movies, it was the day when I was flying in the air. She might have refused

me.

But, this heart still beats for her and every single pulse goes higher and higher when

she is around. So, In spite of crying alone, I wanted to celebrate this day my so

called friends. I treated Anil, Divya and Ankit. You know what, they did not even

asked me why are they being treated for. They were just enjoying their meals. We

had some cold coffees all day refreshers and brownies with pizzas and after that

they left me all alone.

what ever.

happy... Anniversary....dear..

Mail: 6

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

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To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

She did not come for the last last five days. I am scared if she is not okay. I made it

to Kapil and asked him if she has any problem. He told me she has viral fever. I

knew it.

There is some bond between us. I had been feeling some thing insecure in me and

this is it. I feel so helpless as I can't even get to know about her more when she

needs. I love her and I can just pray to god for her wellness. I feel so miserable, I

wish if I could know more about her health. What do I do?

Just wait for her to come.... I don't have any option.

Oh God... I wish for her health...and betterment. I know I am a sinner and my pray

won't be effective. But, if some one must has to compensate. Then, I want to

compensate for her health. Bu, please make her healthy and prosperous.

The next day, she came to class. During the lectures, she was sneezing badly and on

every sneeze making me feel so nervous about her health. Why the hell did she come

if she is not fine. She is so intelligent. She doesn't want to miss any lecture. But, what

about ther her health. I did not want her to be on the bed again. I just wanted to get

up from my seat and ask her why did she come?

But, I can't. I am so helpless. I can't care for the person I want. She kept on

sneezing. I just better find it to leave the place and moved out of the class consoling

myself "there are many of her friends to take care of her". If I would show my

caring for her. She would have considered it as show off too.

Mail: 6

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

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To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

Now, she is absolutely fine and healthy. She was having fun with her friends and all.

I am on my seat sitting idol and hearing her sweet voice that penetrates in to my

heart through the ears. she was talking of the new release of song Ibn-batu-ta. She

sang the song. She knew I was there. But, she did bother. She don't Bother and me

there was a presentation of behavioral science. I had to give a that in front of the

whole class and just because she was there I failed to give. When I faced the class.

She was there in the front row. I could not manage to have an eye contact with the

whole class. I was so nervous. I knew she would never understand my feeling for

her. In fact, she doesn't want to understand. I messaged her and as usual she just

blocked me again. I gave her my password and told her about that i never stopped

mailing her ever. I hope this she could understand that I really love her. Definitely

she had not logged in. Today, I am feeling good because in that message, for the first

time in my life. I said these words to any girl.

"I LUV U"

May be she would have been shivering reading those words. Thank God I just

released with a huge burden. Now, I won't regret myself that I could tell her that I

love her. Some one told me. If you love her. You tell her and i did it. I better know she would just block me again. But, at least I told her. Today, she did not come. She

is not well yet. I observed one thing. She called Kushgra to make attendance for her

behalf for the BSL lecture. That made lines over my head. She could have called

Kamna or Kapil or Aarushi or Anant or Mehek or her best friend Eeshita for that.

May be it's just because Kushgra is our class

representative. God knows what this girl wants?

Eyes were little wet when I heard her name from Kushgra because of what I don't

know.

God please take care of her. She worth to be cared.

Mail: 6

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

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To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

Dear,

You must not be getting any of these. But, I am happy with this. Today, I lost my

second diary again. I wanted to get that published. But, I don't know what the God

wants me to do? Loosing my diary for the second time, I have decided not to give up

and this time I will make a soft copy. But, those diaries were my two years, my lives.

I loved them more than you because those were the only things that relates me to

you. It was all about us. I had made that to a publishing house. But, I lost them.

More over, I had just finished those. Then lost. It makes me more crying. That's

true that you would never understand me.

I think God is always been against me. But, I have the tolerating power that I could

make this ship out of the cyclone. No matter, God or is with me or not. Whole world

is against me. I am also against them. I know one day, the sun would be helpless to

rise from my direction. I have not just to overcome this situation. I have to change

the situation. Till then, let me suffer more and more. I can dare to all those.

Whatever I love her that's true and I am not afraid of hardships. I welcome all them

till my day would come.

love you dear.

Mail: 6

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

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To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

It's all against me. More over, God too. This situation could have flipped up to my

favor if you were on my side and gave me your shoulder to cry. As though, I am a

man but even though I want to cry.

But, you were never been my side nor you will be.

Yesterday, we were planning to arrange a party for Kapil's birthday. I contributed

200 rupees for the party and gave to Naman. But, isn’t about the money.

It was the first time Naman asked me for. I felt so glad that he considered me to his

nearest friends and Now, I am forwarding towards a friend circle.

Immediately, i put out the money and gave to him. I just had 200 bucks in my wallet

in which 50 bucks were already spent and the rest i needed for getting back to home.

So, i did not have the breakfast nor the Lunch.

I did not bother about thinking this thing because that feeling made me to feel so

good when i was asked for the money.

I just thought, that would not pain more if i don't eat for a day. After it was Kapil's

Birth day. He is a good friend of mine, i thought so.

I came back to the class hoping that they would come here to celebrate with the

cake.

I was so happy. But, after waiting for an hour so. They did not come and celebrated

in the cafeteria itself without informing me.

As the lecture started they came with smiles on their faces and Naman asked me

where you were.

I smiled and said nothing. He did not bother too and moved to his seat. In the lecture, now the trouble started here when i just felt something in my

stomach.

It was the pain which has started because of not eating breakfast and lunch.

That started rising on and achieved the saturation point. Being helpless I was just

kept holding my stomach with hand in the first row lying my head down on the

desk.

She thought I was in the same mood and missing her so badly.

lolz..

But, that killing pain made me with those weird expressions in front of her.

Even though, she did not bother too. For once, i could have fallen on the ground and

no body was beside me.

I am not arging for too. She doesn’t love me. I am all fine.

After the class, Kapil looked at me and passed a smile. In return, I also passed a

smile too.

They planned to go for a disc. None of them asked me and went.

If they would have asked me. I would have said no too. But, they just went off.

It was me, Divya and Kamna in the class. Divya was having her lunch. she was

almost done and I just got a single bit of Bhindi which was like a drop in a sea.

It’s paining so badly and I don't have the money needed in my pocket and i better

know I would not be able to reach home before 8'O clock in the night and now, it's

just 2'O clock.

Sitting here and mailing you made me feel better.

I wish if you could understand me.

Mail: 6

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

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To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

For some yesterdays, I had been complaining about little fever. I was scared of

Dengue these days. So, I better thought to have some prescription before to avoid

any major problem could rise up. More over, I was all alone in Noida too. I went to

a doctor. He prescribed me to have blood test.

After some days, the doctor called me up and wanted me to take my reports in

Personal. I went to him but he refused me to show my reports. I was little scared if

there is any major problem. He wanted me to come along with any of my family

members. I insisted him to show my reports.

“No. we can’t show you your to you. It will be better if could please come along with

any of your elder guardians”.

I was so tensed.

“listen, doctor if there is any major problem you better tell me than my family. They

have already suffered a lot because of me and I don’t want them to repent more

because of me. Please tell me” I argued.

After requesting many times. He was convinced to tell me.

“then, listen. I am really sorry to tell you but you are HIV positive. I don’t know

how but your blood sample report clears that you are suffering from this for about

six months” doctor told me.

I was totally stunned as if the land has just slipped beneath my feet.

“Tell me. When did you have the sex for the last time?” doctor asked me.

“Sex? And me I am still a virgin doctor and I am HIV positive. You better need to

check the reports again. There is some error. How can I? I never had sex with

anyone. So, how is it possible?” I said to the doctor.

First, I thought there might be some understanding problem. But, after numbers of

Verification. He cleared that I am HIV positive.

“No, sex is not the only way to birth HIV. The people always think that sex is the

only medium to carry on this disease. Did you have any blood transaction these

days?” doctor again asked me.

“Yes, I had one when I donated my blood to a blood bank” I told the doctor.

“This might be the reason of your disease” doctor seemed to be confident and

convincing.

Mail: 6

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

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To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

She is still same as she was before. I don’t love her. But, I just want clear something.

just accidental eye contacts. Few days ago, I messaged hr that I won’t hesitate now

for looking in her eyes. But, no. I could not even dare to look at her for once. I am

missing my diary. Mostly the climax part which was a fiction because that was the

only part that can’t be real. I loved that part in reality if that could happen.

she did not even think of me. At least, it was in fiction that I could mould according

to me.

What else I am really missing her a lot.

She is really a good girl else she could have done some thing ruining my life.

That is why; I love her.

luv u cta..

I was waiting for the fresher party when she will be with that lucky person.

She doesn’t love me that is for sure and I won’t give her place to any1else ever in

this life. That is preserve for none. This is not my craziness. But ma will.

More and more I progress I will always be legging behind because she is a perfect

person. I can’t chase her.

luv u cta..

Mail: x

Dated: 18th September 2010

TOPIC: I Am really a bad person

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

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To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

Today, it was our last minor examination. She again blocked me as she always does.

I do not want to forget her because I can not. I just want to be in touch with her

without getting noticed. So, I called Kamna, she is our common friend. I thought so.

I just asked her for some time to talk. She denied in such a weird manner as if I

asked her for a date. I thought she is my friend and would be agree. But, I was

wrong. She was never been my friend. In fact, she was also among all those so called

friends. I should be ashamed of myself that not even a single girl wants to talk to me.

May be they are scared if I would propose them.

How foolish?

I loved a single girl.

I love a single girl.

I will love her for ever.

I do not want any other girl in my life. Then, what are they scared of?

Do they feel shame walking besides me?

As though, they use to walk with boy who smokes and drinks. Who used to flirt with

the girls all night long? Who used to party all night in pubs?

That’s called living to the fullest of life. That’s the status in her profile. What If she

follows all of these? What I would do?

I am leaving my hope today. But, I will always try every possible way to get any

information about her.

Luv u cta

Bye for ever.

Take Care of yourself.

Her number

One reply

It had been so long talking to her. I had her number but could not even dared to

her. I had been controlling over myself for the last two years. I never talked to

her on the phone after that incident when she called me and told me about her

relationship, due to which I abused her so badly. After that she changed her

number. How ever, I got that number too just after some months but did not call

her. She was never been in any relationship with anyone. I regretted myself and

could make a call.

From that day, I decided not to contact her but I did several times which

irritated her even more. I wanted to know about her more and more. I contacted

sister, school friends, college friends but never gets a single reply. I told al of

them that I love her and wants to know more about her.

One day, a reply came from one of her school friends name Praveen kaur who

Was in her school and they were good friends. She told me about her

“Well, she was one of my friends in our group. She never been involved in such

Such things. She was always been single and busy with her books and friends.

More over, she always been very studious and wanted to get into a high

Profession. She is really a career oriented person. I do not think if she would

involve in these things. I am not sure but she would rather prefer to become an

engineer first.”

I told her I do not want her now. I am just waiting for the right time to come and

that is the only thing that I had been doing for the last three years. So, do not

worry. I am not bothering her.

I asked her about if there could be something between Cheshta and Ishan.

“Ishan and Cheshta, both of them were in our group and were very good friends as

far as I am concerned and I am still in contact with both of my friends, Cheshta and

Ishan. They must had told me if there is anything between them else I could get to

know about this thing through my other friends in the circle. It may be possible if

they are just good friend. By the way if really love her. Then, best of luck.” she

wished me.

That day I felt so inferiority complex by her and felt so ashamed because some

How, I could be one of the obstacles in her path of success. I did not want to

halt her chasing her dream and finally decided to forget her forever. If being a

girl, she can do make her parents proud on her then, why not me;

I was little proud on her because I love her.

The wordings praising her qualities were sounding like a proud in my ears.

No place to hide

A RAY OF HOPE

I knew that I would never get her. The only thing to drag myself to see this day was

I believed that one day a talent would emerge out from me because there was so true

saying by a legacy.

“Thank you God for the tragedy. I need it for my art.”

I knew that the tragedy was my love story. But, the talent was still the mystery.

Once upon a time, one person in my old PG used to read love stories. I had

shared every thing to him and he suggested me to write about it. After that day, I

had written two diaries. But, unlucky I lost them. I did not give up and kept writing

with more experience. Now, my story had completed and I need an appropriate

publishing house who could give opportunities to youngsters to nurture the talent in

them.

Luckily, I got an email address of one of that kind of publishing house.

Mail: 6

Topic: five minutes

Thursday, 25th July, 2010

From: "Brij Mohan" <brij@yahoo.com>

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To: "cta" ctav2003@yahoo.co.in

Today, I am so happy because some how, I got the mailing address of Expressions

publications and mailed them.

Sir,

I am a B.Tech student in AMITY UNIVERSITY. Noida. Basically, I am from a

middle class family. So, it was not easy for me to adjust myself in AMITY kind of

environment. But, somehow, i adjusted myself. Here, I have been through many

spheres of life. Which, i have elaborated in a fiction. It's about of 250 pages. I know

I am not a writer. But, I am confident that you will like this. Life in AMITY for an

average class person is so hard. That's why I want to you to look upon the book

titled ''STARTING FROM THE END". I do not want fame, money or anything .

You can even change the author's name if you want. I do not mind. All I want it to

get that publish because none of the student from our college has published any

book till date. I will be glad if I could be the first one. One more reason of contacting

you first is as mentioned I am from a middle class background. So, it's a quite hard

to get any publishing house because they demand money rather than the talent. So, I

contacted you first.

Brij mohan

Climax:

It was the last day in the college. The next day we all were getting graduates. There

was the rain of wishes, goodbyes and hugs in whole college. Everyone is wishing

each other. I also said goodbyes to my so called friends. Then, I move out of the

crowd and observed her hugging Ishan (the boy first seen with her). Now, nothing

was left from last three years.

I moved to our very first class where I saw her for the first time and

spent about three years in the same class being silent. Cheshta noticed me moving

out the place and followed me with Eeshita and Kamna.

I was rewinding all my memories till date. I wanted to crab all the things that could

He was sitting on the third bench where

she always used to sit with Eeshita. Now, he is nostalgic. Sometimes, he smiles and

then a drop of tear in his eyes. His head is down on desk. Three of them are

observing all of his activities in the class. Suddenly, he hears a tap of steps

approaching him. His moved his head upward. That’s Kamna in front of him.

“What are you doing here?” Kamna asked.

“Do not you think? I should ask this question to you. Well, if you have asked me

first. Then, let me tell you. I am here because there are millions of things I do not

know” he said.

“Just stop being a philosopher. It’s been years Man. How can you be that much

patient? Well, I am just here to tell you that she wants to meet you now” she said.

He knew what she meant. But, he was pretending as if he did not understand her.

“What are you talking about? And who is she? And why she want to meet me?” he

asked Kamna.

Kamna was surprised at him.

“Who?” I said.

“Cheshta. Off course” She again asked to meet.

He wanted to meet her too. But, not this way.

“No, I do not want to meet her. And why should I meet her? Is there anything

between us?” he nodded and asked her.

“You guys should better know that” saying these lines she moved away.

He did not want to drag himself into the same situation as he had been for years.

That’s why he was trying to avoid the scene. Then, a pretty face with some attitude

came across him. This time it was miss Eeshita gupta(the girl who never talked to the

boy in whole graduation).

“What is your problem?” she asked him.

”Uhuhuh? What? My problem? Did you just say my problem? Okay. Fine. I do not

want to meet her. That’s my problem. You get it?” he replied.

“ok. If you do not want to meet her. Then, do not meet her. But, for your sake, for

your diaries. Please get them from her” she told him.

The boy was surprised as she told that she had his diaries, he had been looking for

last three years. His diaries were the only things that he loved the most after aadi

and cta. But, he pretends as he does not know about any diaries.

“Which diaries you are talking of? I do not write any diary or some thing” he

replied.

Then, abruptly. She came there.

“Here are your diaries. Just keep them with you. I do not want to keep them

anymore and my name is not cta. It Cheshta.” She shouted on him and made her

way out of the class placing diaries on the desk.

The boy was surprisingly seen her crying for the first time. There was a little smile

on his face.

“She rightly said you are such a looser. What? Ok. If leaving that kind of girl

shows that I am a looser. Then, I am happy being a looser. Where was she?

When I beg to talk to her.

When I needed her the most.

When the people used to call me Devdas.

When I used to talk to myself.

When she blocked me every time on the facebook.

When people were against me.

When I used to walk alone in the whole campus.

When I cry for her.

When I mailed her ninety mails and never get even a single reply of them.

And there are no of whens when I need her and she was not there” Brij said.

The boy’s patience was spilling out of his box and broke his silence.

“You are right. But, did you ever think why she did all this to you? Did you think

that how can be a girl that much ruthless to anyone? and why? Especially you. Why

would you think of her? You were always happy with mails. You know what? You

really do not deserve her. She should be ashamed of herself that she loved you.”

Eeshita tells him.

“Did you just say she loved me? You must be kidding me” he smiled and was

disagree with her.

“yes. She loved you. Her bad luck. Now, you would never get her. So, I have all

answers to your questions. She had been in love with you when you used to mail her

every day thinking that she is not getting any of them. She threw the gift box

because it was not given by your hands. She did not want to talk to you because she

wants you to talk to her in public place not like hides. She blocked you every time on

the facebook because she wants to ignite guts in you to dare and talk to her. But, you

never dared. She never has been into any relationship before. She had always been

half committed like you. In every fest, her eyes die to see you around. But, you

never came. She did all this because she just wanted to have guts in you and ask

her. ” Eeshita was very angry. The boy was totally surprised by her. He had got all

the answers to his questions; he always wanted to ask her.

“Where is she?” he asked.

“I have no idea” Eeshita says.

Brij moved out to the corridor. He saw her in the next class weeping with her head

down. She was weeping. He sat beside her.

“You know what? Weeping is good for health. But, your weeping is injurious to my

health. So, wipe out your tears” he advised her.

“Get out of here” she replied.

She scolded him and kept her head down on the desk. After a while, she moved up

her head and looked around.

“not again. Why do I love this looser” she said to herself.

Brij was on the desk behind her. He heard that.

“Did you just call me a looser? Huhuhuh?” the boy said.

“Where have you been?” she asked.

“Well. I never had been to any where. That was you who never get me. But, I am

not here arguing again. Eeshita has told me every thing. Why did not you ever tell

me? I loved you too” Brij said to Cheshta.

“I could have asked you the same question” Cheshta said.

“I know that. So, when everything is clear now. I would like to propose you again.

Errrr… miss Cheshta vatwani. I love you from the core of my heart. Will you be

mine for ever?” he asked her and in the next moment, he was on his knees raising

her hand to her.

“I love you too. Dear” she replied and placed her hand over his palm.

They came closer and closer. They were just about to kiss each other.

Suddenly, “who is Ishan?” he asked.

“Your Brother in law” she smilingly replied.

Then, they were tightly closed to each other and kissed lightly.

“You know what? It’s my first kiss.” Brij tells Cheshta.

“It seems” she said.

“What do you mean? It seems and how do you? Hang on, how can you judge?” he

asks her just to kid her.

“Not again” she said.

“Okay. Darling” He said and they hugged each other tightly and graduated together

lived happily ever after.