great catherine, by george bernard shaw

7/31/2019 Great Catherine, By George Bernard Shaw

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Title:GreatCatherine

Author:GeorgeBernardShaw

ReleaseDate:February1,2009[EBook#3488]

Language:English

Charactersetencoding:ASCII

***STARTOFTHISPROJECTGUTENBERGEBOOKGREATCATHERINE***

ProducedbyEveSobol,andDavidWidger

GREATCATHERINE(WHOMGLORYSTILLADORES)

ByGeorgeBernardShaw

"InCatherine'sreign,whomGlorystilladores"BYRON

ContentsTHEAUTHOR'SAPOLOGYFORGREATCATHERINE

GREATCATHERINETHEFIRSTSCENE



THESECONDSCENETHETHIRDSCENETHEFOURTHSCENE

THEAUTHOR'SAPOLOGYFORGREATCATHERINEExceptionhasbeentakentothetitleofthisseemingtomfooleryonthegroundthattheCatherineitrepresentsisnotGreatCatherine,buttheCatherinewhosegallantriesprovidesomeofthelightestpagesofmodernhistory.GreatCatherine,itissaid,wastheCatherinewhosediplomacy,whosecampaignsandconquests,whoseplansofLiberalreform,whosecorrespondencewithGrimmandVoltaireenabledhertocutsuchamagnificentfigureintheeighteenthcentury.Inreply,IcanonlyconfessthatCatherine'sdiplomacyandherconquestsdonotinterestme.Itiscleartomethatneithershenorthestatesmenwithwhomsheplayedthismischievouskindofpoliticalchesshadanynotionofthereal

historyoftheirowntimes,oroftherealforcesthatweremouldingEurope.TheFrenchRevolution,whichmadesuchshortworkofCatherine'sVoltaireanprinciples,surprisedandscandalizedherasmuchasitsurprisedandscandalizedanyprovincialgovernessintheFrenchchateaux.ThemaindifferencebetweenherandourmodernLiberalGovernmentswasthatwhereasshetalkedandwrotequiteintelligentlyaboutLiberalprinciplesbeforeshewasfrightenedintomakingsuchtalkingandwritingafloggingmatter,ourLiberalministerstakethenameofLiberalisminvainwithoutknowingorcaringenoughaboutitsmeaningeventotalkandscribbleaboutit,andpasstheirfloggingBills,andinstitutetheirprosecutionsforseditionandblasphemyandsoforth,withoutthefaintestsuspicionthatsuchproceedingsneedanyapology

fromtheLiberalpointofview.ItwasquiteeasyforPatiomkintohumbugCatherineastotheconditionofRussiabyconductingherthroughshamcitiesrunupfortheoccasionbyscenicartists;butinthelittleworldofEuropeancourtintrigueanddynasticdiplomacywhichwastheonlyworldsheknewshewasmorethanamatchforhimandforalltherestofhercontemporaries.Insuchintrigueanddiplomacy,however,therewasnoromance,noscientificpoliticalinterest,nothingthatasanemindcannowretainevenifitcanbepersuadedtowastetimeinreadingitup.ButCatherineasawomanwithplentyofcharacterand(asweshouldsay)nomorals,stillfascinatesandamusesusasshefascinatedandamusedhercontemporaries.Theyweregreatsentimentalcomedians,thesePeters,Elizabeths,

andCatherineswhoplayedtheirTsarshipsaseccentriccharacterparts,andproducedsceneaftersceneoffuriousharlequinadewiththemonarchasclown,andoftragicreliefinthetorturechamberwiththemonarchaspantomimedemoncommittingrealatrocities,notforgettingtheindispensableloveinterestonanenormousandutterlyindecorousscale.CatherinekeptthisvastGuignolTheatreopenfornearlyhalfacentury,notasaRussian,butasahighlydomesticatedGermanladywhosehouseholdroutinewasnotatallsounlikethatofQueenVictoriaasmightbeexpectedfromthedifferenceintheirnotionsofproprietyinsexualrelations.



Inshort,ifByronleavesyouwithanimpressionthathesaidverylittleaboutCatherine,andthatlittlenotwhatwasbestworthsaying,IbegtocorrectyourimpressionbyassuringyouthatwhatByronsaidwasalltherereallyistosaythatisworthsaying.HisCatherineismyCatherineandeverybody'sCatherine.TheyoungmanwhogainsherfavorisaSpanishnoblemaninhisversion.IhavemadehimanEnglishcountrygentleman,whogetsoutofhisratherdangerousscrape,bysimplicity,sincerity,andthecourageofthesequalities.BythisIhavegivensomeoffencetothemanyBritonswhoseethemselvesasheroes:whattheymeanbyheroesbeingtheatricalsnobsofsuperhumanpretensionswhich,thoughquitegroundless,areadmittedwithawebytherestofthehumanrace.TheysayIthinkanEnglishmanafool.WhenIdo,theyhavethemselvestothank.

Imustnot,however,pretendthathistoricalportraiturewasthemotiveofaplaythatwillleavethereaderasignorantofRussianhistoryashemaybenowbeforehehasturnedthepage.NoristhesketchofCatherinecompleteevenidiosyncratically,leavingherpoliticsoutofthequestion.Forexample,shewrotebushelsofplays.IconfessIhavenotyetreadanyofthem.Thetruthis,thisplaygrewoutoftherelationswhichinevitablyexistinthetheatrebetweenauthorsandactors.Iftheactorshavesometimestousetheirskillastheauthor'spuppetsratherthaninfullself-expression,theauthorhassometimestousehisskillastheactors'tailor,fittingthemwithparts

writtentodisplaythevirtuosityoftheperformerratherthantosolveproblemsoflife,character,orhistory.Featsofthiskindmaytickleanauthor'stechnicalvanity;butheisboundonsuchoccasionstoadmitthattheperformerforwhomhewritesis"theonliebegetter"ofhiswork,whichmustberegardedcriticallyasanadditiontothedebtdramaticliteratureowestotheartofactinganditsexponents.ThosewhohaveseenMissGertrudeKingstonplaythepartofCatherinewillhavenodifficultyinbelievingthatitwashertalentratherthanminethatbroughttheplayintoexistence.IoncerecommendedMissKingstonprofessionallytoplayqueens.Nowinthemoderndramatherewerenoqueensforhertoplay;andastotheolderliteratureofourstage:diditnotprovoketheveteranactressinSirArthurPinero'sTrelawnyoftheWellstodeclarethat,asparts,queensarenotworthatinker'soath?MissKingston's

commentonmysuggestion,thoughmoreelegantlyworded,wastothesameeffect;anditendedinmyhavingtomakegoodmyadvicebywritingGreatCatherine.Historyprovidednootherqueencapableofstandinguptoourjointtalents.Incomposingsuchbravurapieces,theauthorlimitshimselfonlybytherangeofthevirtuoso,whichbydefinitionfartranscendsthemodestyofnature.IfmyRussiansseemmoreMuscovitethananyRussian,andmyEnglishpeoplemoreinsularthananyBriton,Iwillnotplead,asIhonestlymight,thatthefictionhasyettobewrittenthatcanexaggeratetherealityofsuchsubjects;thattheapparentlyoutrageousPatiomkinisbutatimidlybowdlerizedghostoftheoriginal;andthatCaptainEdstastonisnomorethanaminiaturethatmighthang

appropriatelyonthewallsofnineteenoutoftwentyEnglishcountryhousestothisday.Anartisticpresentmentmustnotcondescendtojustifyitselfbyacomparisonwithcrudenature;andIprefertoadmitthatinthiskindmydramaticpersonaeare,astheyshouldbe,ofthestagestagey,challengingtheactortoactuptothemorbeyondthem,ifhecan.Themoreheroictheovercharging,thebetterfortheperformance.Indraggingthereaderthusforamomentbehindthescenes,IamdepartingfromarulewhichIhavehithertoimposedonmyselfsorigidlythatIneverpermitmyself,eveninastagedirection,toletslipawordthatcouldbludgeonthe



imaginationofthereaderbyremindinghimoftheboardsandthefootlightsandtheskybordersandtherestofthetheatricalscaffolding,forwhichneverthelessIhavetoplanascarefullyasifIweretheheadcarpenteraswellastheauthor.Butevenattheriskoftalkingshop,anhonestplaywrightshouldtakeatleastoneopportunityofacknowledgingthathisartisnotonlylimitedbytheartoftheactor,butoftenstimulatedanddevelopedbyit.Nosaneandskilledauthorwritesplaysthatpresentimpossibilitiestotheactorortothestageengineer.If,asoccasionallyhappens,heasksthemtodothingsthattheyhaveneverdonebeforeandcannotconceiveaspresentableorpossible(asWagnerandThomasHardyhavedone,forexample),itisalwaysfoundthatthedifficultiesarenotreallyinsuperable,theauthorhavingforeseenunsuspectedpossibilitiesbothintheactorandintheaudience,whosewill-to-make-believecanperformthequaintestmiracles.Thusmayauthorsadvancetheartsofactingandofstagingplays.Buttheactoralsomayenlargethescopeofthedramabydisplayingpowersnotpreviouslydiscoveredbytheauthor.IfthebestavailableactorsareonlyHoratios,theauthorswillhavetoleaveHamletout,andbecontentwithHoratiosforheroes.SomeofthedifferencebetweenShakespeare'sOrlandosandBassaniosandBertramsandhisHamletsandMacbethsmusthavebeenduenotonlytohisdevelopmentasadramaticpoet,buttothedevelopmentof

Burbageasanactor.Playwrightsdonotwriteforidealactorswhentheirlivelihoodisatstake:iftheydid,theywouldwritepartsforheroeswithtwentyarmslikeanIndiangod.Indeedtheactorofteninfluencestheauthortoomuch;forIcanrememberatime(Iamnotimplyingthatitisyetwhollypast)whentheartofwritingafashionableplayhadbecomeverylargelytheartofwritingit"round"thepersonalitiesofagroupoffashionableperformersofwhomBurbagewouldcertainlyhavesaidthattheirpartsneedednoacting.Everythinghasitsabuseaswellasitsuse.Itisalsotobeconsideredthatgreatplayslivelongerthangreatactors,thoughlittleplaysdonotlivenearlysolongastheworstoftheirexponents.Theconsequenceisthatthegreatactor,insteadofputtingpressureoncontemporaryauthorstosupplyhimwithheroicparts,fallsbackonthe

Shakespeareanrepertory,andtakeswhatheneedsfromadeadhand.Inthenineteenthcentury,thecareersofKean,Macready,BarrySullivan,andIrving,oughttohaveproducedagroupofheroicplayscomparableinintensitytothoseofAeschylus,Sophocles,andEuripides;butnothingofthekindhappened:theseactorsplayedtheworksofdeadauthors,or,veryoccasionally,oflivepoetswhowerehardlyregularprofessionalplaywrights.SheridanKnowles,BulwerLytton,Wills,andTennysonproducedafewglaringlyartificialhighhorsesforthegreatactorsoftheirtime;buttheplaywrightsproper,whoreallykeptthetheatregoing,andwerekeptgoingbythetheatre,didnotcaterforthegreatactors:theycouldnotaffordtocompetewithabardwhowasnotforanagebutforalltime,andwhohad,moreover,theoverwhelmingattractionfortheactor-managersofnotchargingauthor'sfees.Theresultwasthattheplaywrightsandthegreatactorsceasedtothinkofthemselvesashavingany

concernwithoneanother:TomRobertson,Ibsen,Pinero,andBarriemightaswellhavebelongedtoadifferentsolarsystemasfarasIrvingwasconcerned;andthesamewastrueoftheirrespectivepredecessors.Thuswasestablishedaneviltradition;butIatleastcanpleadthatitdoesnotalwaysholdgood.IfForbesRobertsonhadnotbeentheretoplayCaesar,IshouldnothavewrittenCaesarandCleopatra.IfEllenTerryhadneverbeenborn,CaptainBrassbound'sConversionwouldneverhavebeeneffected.TheDevil'sDisciple,withwhichIwonmycordonbleuinAmericaasapotboiler,wouldhavehadadifferentsortofheroifRichardMansfieldhadbeena



differentsortofactor,thoughtheactualcommissiontowriteitcamefromanEnglishactor,WilliamTerriss,whowasassassinatedbeforeherecoveredfromthedismayintowhichtheresultofhisrashproposalthrewhim.ForitmustbesaidthattheactororactresswhoinspiresorcommissionsaplayasoftenasnotregardsitasaFrankenstein'smonster,andwillhavenoneofit.Thatdoesnotmakehimorheranythelessparentalinthefecundityoftheplaywright.Toanauthorwhohasanyfeelingofhisbusinessthereisakeenandwhimsicaljoyindiviningandrevealingasideofanactor'sgeniusoverlookedbefore,andunsuspectedevenbytheactorhimself.WhenIsnatchedMrLouisCalvertfromShakespeare,andmadehimwearafrockcoatandsilkhatonthestageforperhapsthefirsttimeinhislife,IdonotthinkheexpectedintheleastthathisperformancewouldenablemetoboastofhisTomBroadbentasagenuinestageclassic.MrsPatrickCampbellwasfamousbeforeIwroteforher,butnotforplayingilliteratecockneyflower-maidens.Andinthecasewhichisprovokingmetoalltheseimpertinences,IamquitesurethatMissGertrudeKingston,whofirstmadeherreputationasanimpersonatorofthemostdelightfullyfeather-headedandinconsequentingenues,thoughtmemorethanusuallymadwhenIpersuadedhertoplaytheHelenofEuripides,andthenlaunchedheronaqueenlycareerasCatherineofRussia.Itisnotthewholetruththatifwetakecareoftheactorstheplayswilltake

careofthemselves;norisitanytruerthatifwetakecareoftheplaystheactorswilltakecareofthemselves.Thereisbothgiveandtakeinthebusiness.Ihaveseenplayswrittenforactorsthatmademeexclaim,"Howoftthesightofmeanstodoilldeedsmakesdeedsilldone!"ButBurbagemayhaveflourishedthepromptcopyofHamletunderShakespeare'snoseatthetenthrehearsalandcried,"Howoftthesightofmeanstodogreatdeedsmakesplaywrightsgreat!"IsaythetenthbecauseIamconvincedthatatthefirsthedenouncedhispartasarottenone;thoughttheghost'sspeechridiculouslylong;andwantedtoplaytheking.Anyhow,whetherhehadthewittoutteritornot,theboastwouldhavebeenavalidone.Thebestconclusionisthateveryactorshouldsay,"IfIcreatetheheroinmyself,Godwillsendanauthorto

writehispart."Forinthelongruntheactorswillgettheauthors,andtheauthorstheactors,theydeserve.GreatCatherinewasperformedforthefirsttimeattheVaudevilleTheatreinLondononthe18thNovember1913,withGertrudeKingstonasCatherine,MiriamLewesasYarinka,DorothyMassinghamasClaire,NormanMcKinnellasPatiomkin,EdmondBreonasEdstaston,AnnieHillasthePrincessDashkoff,andEugeneMayeurandF.CookeBeresfordasNaryshkinandtheSergeant.

GREATCATHERINE

THEFIRSTSCENE1776.PatiomkininhisbureauintheWinterPalace,St.Petersburgh.Hugepalatialapartment:style,RussiaintheeighteenthcenturyimitatingtheVersaillesduRoiSoleil.Extravagantluxury.Alsodirtanddisorder.Patiomkin,giganticinstatureandbuild,hisfacemarredbythelossofoneeye



andamarkedsquintintheother,sitsattheendofatablelitteredwithpapersandtheremainsofthreeorfoursuccessivebreakfasts.Hehassuppliesofcoffeeandbrandyathandsufficientforapartyoften.Hiscoat,encrustedwithdiamonds,isonthefloor.Ithasfallenoffachairplacedneartheotherendofthetablefortheconvenienceofvisitors.Hiscourtsword,withitsattachments,isonthechair.Histhree-corneredhat,alsobejewelled,isonthetable.Hehimselfishalfdressedinanunfastenedshirtandanimmensedressing-gown,oncegorgeous,nowfood-splashedanddirty,asitserveshimfortowel,handkerchief,duster,andeveryotherusetowhichatextilefabriccanbeputbyaslovenlyman.Itdoesnotconcealhishugehairychest,norhishalf-buttonedkneebreeches,norhislegs.Thesearepartlycladinsilkstockings,whichheoccasionallyhitchesuptohisknees,andpresentlyshakesdowntohisshins,byhisrestlessmovement.Hisfeetarethrustintoenormousslippers,worth,withtheircrustofjewels,severalthousandroublesapiece.SuperficiallyPatiomkinisaviolent,brutalbarbarian,anupstartdespotofthemostintolerableanddangeroustype,ugly,lazy,anddisgustinginhispersonalhabits.YetambassadorsreporthimtheablestmaninRussia,andtheonewhocandomostwiththestillablerEmpressCatherineII,whoisnotaRussianbutaGerman,bynomeansbarbarousorintemperateinherpersonalhabits.ShenotonlydisputeswithFredericktheGreatthereputationofbeingthecleverest

monarchinEurope,butmayevenputinaveryplausibleclaimtobethecleverestandmostattractiveindividualalive.NowshenotonlytoleratesPatiomkinlongaftershehasgotoverherfirstromanticattachmenttohim,butesteemshimhighlyasacounsellorandagoodfriend.Hislovelettersareamongthebestonrecord.Hehasawildsenseofhumor,whichenableshimtolaughathimselfaswellasateverybodyelse.IntheeyesoftheEnglishvisitornowabouttobeadmittedtohispresencehemaybeanoutrageousruffian.Infactheactuallyisanoutrageousruffian,innomatterwhoseeyes;butthevisitorwillfindout,aseveryoneelsesoonerorlaterfendsout,thatheisamantobereckonedwithevenbythosewhoarenotintimidatedbyhistemper,bodily

strength,andexaltedrank.Aprettyyounglady,Yarinka,hisfavoriteniece,isloungingonanottomanbetweenhisendofthetableandthedoor,verysulkyanddissatisfied,perhapsbecauseheispreoccupiedwithhispapersandhisbrandybottle,andshecanseenothingofhimbuthisbroadback.Thereisascreenbehindtheottoman.Anoldsoldier,aCossacksergeant,enters.THESERGEANT[softlytothelady,holdingthedoorhandle].Littledarlinghoney,ishisHighnesstheprinceverybusy?VARINKA.HisHighnesstheprinceisverybusy.Heissingingoutoftune;heisbitinghisnails;heisscratchinghishead;heishitchinguphisuntidystockings;heismakinghimselfdisgustingandodioustoeverybody;andheis

pretendingtoreadstatepapersthathedoesnotunderstandbecauseheistoolazyandselfishtotalkandbecompanionable.PATIOMKIN[growls;thenwipeshisnosewithhisdressing-gown]!!VARINKA.Pig.Ugh![Shecurlsherselfupwithashiverofdisgustandretiresfromtheconversation.]THESERGEANT[stealingacrosstothecoat,andpickingituptoreplaceitonthebackofthechair].LittleFather,theEnglishcaptain,sohighlyrecommendedtoyoubyoldFritzofPrussia,bytheEnglishambassador,andbyMonsieurVoltaire(whom[crossinghimself]mayGodinhisinfinitemercydamneternally!),isintheantechamberanddesiresaudience.



PATIOMKIN[deliberately].TohellwiththeEnglishcaptain;andtohellwitholdFritzofPrussia;andtohellwiththeEnglishambassador;andtohellwithMonsieurVoltaire;andtohellwithyoutoo!THESERGEANT.Havemercyonme,LittleFather.Yourheadisbadthismorning.YoudrinktoomuchFrenchbrandyandtoolittlegoodRussiankvass.PATIOMKIN[withsuddenfury].Whyarevisitorsofconsequenceannouncedbyasergeant?[Springingathimandseizinghimbythethroat.]Whatdoyoumeanbythis,youhound?Doyouwantfivethousandblowsofthestick?WhereisGeneralVolkonsky?THESERGEANT[onhisknees].LittleFather,youkickedhisHighnessdownstairs.PATIOMKIN[flinginghimdawnandkickinghim].Youlie,youdog.Youlie.THESERGEANT.LittleFather,lifeishardforthepoor.Ifyousayitisalie,itisalie.HeFELLdownstairs.Ipickedhimup;andhekickedme.Theyallkickmewhenyoukickthem.Godknowsthatisnotjust,LittleFather!PATIOMKIN[laughsogreishly;thenreturnstohisplaceatthetable,chuckling]!!!VARINKA.Savage!Boot!Itisadisgrace.NowondertheFrenchsneeratusasbarbarians.THESERGEANT[whohascreptroundthetabletothescreen,andinsinuatedhimselfbetweenPatiomkin'sbackandVarinka].DoyouthinkthePrincewillseethecaptain,littledarling?PATIOMKIN.Hewillnotseeanycaptain.Gotothedevil!THESERGEANT.Bemerciful,LittleFather.Godknowsitisyourdutytoseehim!

[ToVarinka.]Intercedeforhimandforme,beautifullittledarling.Hehasgivenmearouble.PATIOMKIN.Oh,sendhimin,sendhimin;andstoppesteringme.AmInevertohaveamoment'speace?TheSergeantsalutesjoyfullyandhurriesout,diviningthatPatiomkinhasintendedtoseetheEnglishcaptainallalong,andhasplayedthiscomedyoffuryandexhaustedimpatiencetoconcealhisinterestinthevisitor.VARINKA.Haveyounoshame?Yourefusetoseethemostexaltedpersons.Youkickprincesandgeneralsdownstairs.AndthenyouseeanEnglishcaptainmerelybecausehehasgivenaroubletothatcommonsoldier.Itisscandalous.PATIOMKIN.Darlingbeloved,Iamdrunk;butIknowwhatIamdoing.IwishtostandwellwiththeEnglish.

VARINKA.AndyouthinkyouwillimpressanEnglishmanbyreceivinghimasyouarenow,halfdrunk?PATIOMKIN[gravely].Itistrue:theEnglishdespisemenwhocannotdrink.Imustmakemyselfwhollydrunk[hetakesahugedraughtofbrandy.]VARINKA.Sot!TheSergeantreturnsusheringahandsomestronglybuiltyoungEnglishofficerintheuniformofaLightDragoon.Heisevidentlyonfairlygoodtermswithhimself,andverysureofhissocialposition.HecrossestheroomtotheendofthetableoppositePatiomkin's,andawaitsthecivilitiesofthatstatesmanwithconfidence.TheSergeantremainsprudentlyatthedoor.

THESERGEANT[paternally].LittleFather,thisistheEnglishcaptain,sowellrecommendedtohersacredMajestytheEmpress.Godknows,heneedsyourcountenanceandprotec[hevanishesprecipitately,seeingthatPatiomkinisabouttothrowabottleathim.TheCaptaincontemplatesthesepreliminarieswithastonishment,andwithsomedispleasure,whichisnotallayedwhen,Patiomkin,hardlycondescendingtolookathisvisitor,ofwhomheneverthelesstakesstockwiththecornerofhisoneeye,saysgruffly].Well?EDSTASTON.MynameisEdstaston:CaptainEdstastonoftheLightDragoons.IhavethehonortopresenttoyourHighnessthisletterfromtheBritishambassador,



whichwillgiveyouallnecessaryparticulars.[HehandsPatiomkintheletter.]PATIOMKIN[tearingitopenandglancingatitforaboutasecond].Whatdoyouwant?EDSTASTON.TheletterwillexplaintoyourHighnesswhoIam.PATIOMKIN.Idon'twanttoknowwhoyouare.Whatdoyouwant?EDSTASTON.AnaudienceoftheEmpress.[Patiomkincontemptuouslythrowstheletteraside.Edstastonaddshotly.]Alsosomecivility,ifyouplease.PATIOMKIN[withderision].Ho!VARINKA.Myuncleisreceivingyouwithunusualcivility,Captain.Hehasjustkickedageneraldownstairs.EDSTASTON.ARussiangeneral,madam?VARINKA.Ofcourse.EDSTASTON.Imustallowmyselftosay,madam,thatyourunclehadbetternotattempttokickanEnglishofficerdownstairs.PATIOMKIN.Youwantmetokickyouupstairs,eh?YouwantanaudienceoftheEmpress.EDSTASTON.Ihavesaidnothingaboutkicking,sir.Ifitcomestothat,mybootsshallspeakforme.HerMajestyhassignifiedadesiretohavenewsoftherebellioninAmerica.Ihaveservedagainsttherebels;andIaminstructedtoplacemyselfatthedisposalofherMajesty,andtodescribetheeventsofthewartoherasaneye-witness,inadiscreetandagreeablemanner.PATIOMKIN.Psha!Iknow.Youthinkifsheoncesetseyesonyourfaceandyouruniformyourfortuneismade.Youthinkthatifshecouldstandamanlikeme,

withonlyoneeye,andacrosseyeatthat,shemustfalldownatyourfeetatfirstsight,eh?EDSTASTON[shockedandindignant].Ithinknothingofthesort;andI'lltroubleyounottorepeatit.IfIwereaRussiansubjectandyoumadesuchaboastaboutmyqueen,I'dstrikeyouacrossthefacewithmysword.[Patiomkin,withayelloffury,rushesathim.]Handsoff,youswine![AsPatiomkin,toweringoverhim,attemptstoseizehimbythethroat,Edstaston,whoisabitofawrestler,adroitlybackheelshim.Hefalls,amazed,onhisback.]VARINKA[rushingout].Help!Calltheguard!TheEnglishmanismurderingmy

uncle!Help!Help!TheguardandtheSergeantrushin.Edstastondrawsapairofsmallpistolsfromhisboots,andpointsoneattheSergeantandtheotheratPatiomkin,whoissittingonthefloor,somewhatsobered.Thesoldiersstandirresolute.EDSTASTON.Standoff.[ToPatiomkin.]Orderthemoff,ifyoudon'twantabulletthroughyoursillyhead.THESERGEANT.LittleFather,telluswhattodo.Ourlivesareyours;butGodknowsyouarenotfittodie.PATIOMKIN[absurdlyself-possessed].Getout.THESERGEANT.LittleFatherPATIOMKIN[roaring].Getout.Getout,allofyou.[Theywithdraw,muchrelieved

attheirescapefromthepistol.Patiomkinattemptstorise,androllsover.]Here!helpmeup,willyou?Don'tyouseethatI'mdrunkandcan'tgetup?EDSTASTON[suspiciously].Youwanttogetholdofme.PATIOMKIN[squattingresignedlyagainstthechaironwhichhisclotheshang].Verywell,then:IshallstaywhereIam,becauseI'mdrunkandyou'reafraidofme.EDSTASTON.I'mnotafraidofyou,damnyou!PATIOMKIN[ecstatically].Darling,yourlipsarethegatesoftruth.Nowlisten



tome.[Hemarksofftheitemsofhisstatementwithridiculousstiffgesturesofhisheadandarms,imitatingapuppet.]YouareCaptainWhatshisname;andyouruncleistheEarlofWhatdyecallum;andyourfatherisBishopofThingummybob;andyouareayoungmanofthehighestsprpromise(ItoldyouIwasdrunk),educatedatCambridge,andgotyourstepascaptaininthefieldattheGLORIOUSbattleofBunker'sHill.InvalidedhomefromAmericaattherequestofAuntFanny,Lady-in-WaitingtotheQueen.Allright,eh?EDSTASTON.Howdoyouknowallthis?PATIOMKIN[crowingfantastically].Inerlerrer,darling,darling,darling,darling.Lerreryoushowedme.EDSTASTON.Butyoudidn'treadit.PATIOMKIN[flappinghisfingersathimgrotesquely].Onlyoneeye,darling.Crosseye.Seeseverything.Readlerrerinceinceistastaneously.Kindlygivemevinegarborle.Greenborle.On'ytosoberme.Toodrunktospeakporply.Ifyouwouldbesokind,darling.Greenborle.[Edstaston,stillsuspicious,shakeshisheadandkeepshispistolsready.]Reachitmyself.[Hereachesbehindhimuptothetable,andsnatchesatthegreenbottle,fromwhichhetakesacopiousdraught.Itseffectisappalling.HiswryfacesandagonizedbelchingsaresoheartrendingthattheyalmostupsetEdstaston.Whenthevictimatlaststaggerstohisfeet,heisapalefragilenobleman,agedandquitesober,extremelydignifiedinmannerandaddress,thoughshakenbyhisrecentconvulsions.]Young

man,itisnotbettertobedrunkthansober;butitishappier.Goodnessisnothappiness.Thatisanepigram.ButIhaveoverdonethis.Iamtoosobertobegoodcompany.Letmeredressthebalance.[Hetakesagenerousdraughtofbrandy,andrecovershisgeniality.]Aha!That'sbetter.Andnowlisten,darling.YoumustnotcometoCourtwithpistolsinyourboots.EDSTASTON.Ihavefoundthemuseful.PATIOMKIN.Nonsense.I'myourfriend.YoumistookmyintentionbecauseIwasdrunk.NowthatIamsoberinmoderationIwillprovethatIamyourfriend.Havesomediamonds.[Roaring.]Hullothere!Dogs,pigs:hullo!TheSergeantcomesin.THESERGEANT.Godbepraised,LittleFather:youarestillsparedtous.

PATIOMKIN.Tellthemtobringsomediamonds.Plentyofdiamonds.Andrubies.Getout.[HeaimsakickattheSergeant,whoflees.]Putupyourpistols,darling.I'llgiveyouapairwithgoldhandgrips.Iamyourfriend.EDSTASTON[replacingthepistolsinhisbootsratherunwillingly].YourHighnessunderstandsthatifIammissing,orifanythinghappenstome,therewillbetrouble.PATIOMKIN[enthusiastically].Callmedarling.EDSTASTON.ItisnottheEnglishcustom.PATIOMKIN.Youhavenohearts,youEnglish![Slappinghisrightbreast.]Heart!Heart!EDSTASTON.Pardon,yourHighness:yourheartisontheotherside.

PATIOMKIN[surprisedandimpressed].Isit?Youarelearned!Youareadoctor!YouEnglisharewonderful!Wearebarbarians,drunkenpigs.Catherinedoesnotknowit;butweare.Catherine'saGerman.ButIhavegivenheraRussianheart[heisabouttoslaphimselfagain.]EDSTASTON[delicately].Theotherside,yourHighness.PATIOMKIN[maudlin].Darling,atrueRussianhasaheartonbothsides.TheSergeantenterscarryingagobletfilledwithpreciousstones.PATIOMKIN.Getout.[HesnatchesthegobletandkickstheSergeantout,notmaliciouslybutfromhabit,indeednotnoticingthathedoesit.]Darling,havesomediamonds.Haveafistful.[Hetakesupahandfulandletsthemslipback



throughhisfingersintothegoblet,whichhethenofferstoEdstaston.]EDSTASTON.Thankyou,Idon'ttakepresents.PATIOMKIN[amazed].Yourefuse!EDSTASTON.IthankyourHighness;butitisnotthecustomforEnglishgentlementotakepresentsofthatkind.PATIOMKIN.AreyoureallyanEnglishman?EDSTASTON[bows]!PATIOMKIN.YouarethefirstEnglishmanIeversawrefuseanythinghecouldget.[Heputsthegobletonthetable;thenturnsagaintoEdstaston.]Listen,darling.Youareawrestler:asplendidwrestler.Youthrewmeonmybacklikemagic,thoughIcouldliftyouwithonehand.Darling,youareagiant,apaladin.EDSTASTON[complacently].WewrestleratherwellinmypartofEngland.PATIOMKIN.IhaveaTurkwhoisawrestler:aprisonerofwar.Youshallwrestlewithhimforme.I'llstakeamillionroublesonyou.EDSTASTON[incensed].Damnyou!doyoutakemeforaprize-fighter?Howdareyoumakemesuchaproposal?PATIOMKIN[withwoundedfeeling].Darling,thereisnopleasingyou.Don'tyoulikeme?EDSTASTON[mollified].Well,inasortofwayIdo;thoughIdon'tknowwhyI

should.ButmyinstructionsarethatIamtoseetheEmpress;andPATIOMKIN.Darling,youshallseetheEmpress.Agloriouswoman,thegreatestwomanintheworld.Butlemmegiveyoupiece'vicepah!stilldrunk.Theywatermyvinegar.[Heshakeshimself;clearshisthroat;andresumessoberly.]IfCatherinetakesafancytoyou,youmayaskforroubles,diamonds,palaces,titles,orders,anything!andyoumayaspiretoeverything:field-marshal,admiral,minister,whatyoupleaseexceptTsar.EDSTASTON.ItellyouIdon'twanttoaskforanything.DoyousupposeIamanadventurerandabeggar?PATIOMKIN[plaintively].Whynot,darling?Iwasanadventurer.Iwasabeggar.EDSTASTON.Oh,you!PATIOMKIN.Well:what'swrongwithme?EDSTASTON.YouareaRussian.That'sdifferent.

PATIOMKIN[effusively].Darling,Iamaman;andyouareaman;andCatherineisawoman.Womanreducesusalltothecommondenominator.[Chuckling.]Againanepigram![Gravely.]Youunderstandit,Ihope.Haveyouhadacollegeeducation,darling?Ihave.EDSTASTON.Certainly.IamaBachelorofArts.PATIOMKIN.Itisenoughthatyouareabachelor,darling:Catherinewillsupplythearts.Aha!Anotherepigram!Iamintheveintoday.EDSTASTON[embarrassedandalittleoffended].ImustaskyourHighnesstochangethesubject.AsavisitorinRussia,IamtheguestoftheEmpress;andImusttellyouplainlythatIhaveneithertherightnorthedispositiontospeak

lightlyofherMajesty.PATIOMKIN.Youhaveconscientiousscruples?EDSTASTON.Ihavethescruplesofagentleman.PATIOMKIN.InRussiaagentlemanhasnoscruples.InRussiawefacefacts.EDSTASTON.InEngland,sir,agentlemanneverfacesanyfactsiftheyareunpleasantfacts.PATIOMKIN.Inreallife,darling,allfactsareunpleasant.[Greatlypleasedwithhimself.]Anotherepigram!Whereismyaccursedchancellor?thesegemsshouldbewrittendownandrecordedforposterity.[Herushestothetable:sits



down:andsnatchesupapen.Then,recollectinghimself.]ButIhavenotaskedyoutositdown.[Herisesandgoestotheotherchair.]Iamasavage:abarbarian.[Hethrowstheshirtandcoatoverthetableontothefloorandputshisswordonthetable.]Beseated,Captain.EDSTASTONThankyou.Theybowtooneanotherceremoniously.Patiomkin'stendencytogrotesqueexaggerationcostshimhisbalance;henearlyfallsoverEdstaston,whorescueshimandtakestheprofferedchair.PATIOMKIN[resuminghisseat].Bytheway,whatwasthepieceofadviceIwasgoingtogiveyou?EDSTASTON.Asyoudidnotgiveit,Idon'tknow.AllowmetoaddthatIhavenotaskedforyouradvice.PATIOMKIN.Igiveittoyouunasked,delightfulEnglishman.Irememberitnow.Itwasthis.Don'ttrytobecomeTsarofRussia.EDSTASTON[inastonishment].Ihaven'ttheslightestintentionPATIOMKIN.Notnow;butyouwillhave:takemywordsforit.ItwillstrikeyouasasplendidideatohaveconscientiousscruplestodesiretheblessingoftheChurchonyourunionwithCatherine.EDSTASTON[racinginutteramazement].MyunionwithCatherine!You'remad.PATIOMKIN[unmoved].Thedayyouhintatsuchathingwillbethedayofyourdownfall.Besides,itisnotluckytobeCatherine'shusband.Youknowwhat

happenedtoPeter?EDSTASTON[shortly;sittingdownagain].Idonotwishtodiscussit.PATIOMKIN.Youthinkshemurderedhim?EDSTASTON.Iknowthatpeoplehavesaidso.PATIOMKIN[thunderously;springingtohisfeet].Itisalie:Orloffmurderedhim.[Subsidingalittle.]Healsoknockedmyeyeout;but[sittingdownplacidly]Isucceededhimforallthat.And[pattingEdstaston'shandveryaffectionately]I'msorrytosay,darling,thatifyoubecomeTsar,Ishallmurderyou.EDSTASTON[ironicallyreturningthecaress].Thankyou.Theoccasionwillnotarise.[Rising.]IhavethehonortowishyourHighnessgoodmorning.PATIOMKIN[jumpingupandstoppinghimonhiswaytothedoor].Tuttut!I'mgoingtotakeyoutotheEmpressnow,thisveryinstant.

EDSTASTON.Intheseboots?Impossible!Imustchange.PATIOMKIN.Nonsense!Youshallcomejustasyouare.Youshallshowheryourcalveslateron.EDSTASTON.ButitwilltakemeonlyhalfanhourtoPATIOMKIN.Inhalfanhouritwillbetoolateforthepetitlever.Comealong.Damnit,man,ImustobligetheBritishambassador,andtheFrenchambassador,andoldFritz,andMonsieurVoltaireandtherestofthem.[Heshoutsrudelytothedoor.]Varinka![ToEdstaston,withtearsinhisvoice.]Varinkashallpersuadeyou:nobodycanrefuseVarinkaanything.Myniece.Atreasure,Iassureyou.Beautiful!devoted!fascinating![Shoutingagain.]Varinka,wherethedevilareyou?

VARINKA[returning].I'llnotbeshoutedfor.Youhavethevoiceofabear,andthemannersofatinker.PATIOMKIN.Tsh-sh-sh.LittleangelMother:youmustbehaveyourselfbeforetheEnglishcaptain.[Hetakesoffhisdressing-gownandthrowsitoverthepapersandthebreakfasts:picksuphiscoat:anddisappearsbehindthescreentocompletehistoilette.]EDSTASTON.Madam![Hebows.]VARINKA[courtseying].MonsieurleCapitaine!EDSTASTON.ImustapologizeforthedisturbanceImade,madam.PATIOMKIN[behindthescreen].Youmustnotcallhermadam.Youmustcallher



LittleMother,andbeautifuldarling.EDSTASTON.Myrespectfortheladywillnotpermitit.VARINKA.Respect!Howcanyourespectthenieceofasavage?EDSTASTON[deprecatingly].Oh,madam!VARINKA.Heavenismywitness,LittleEnglishFather,weneedsomeonewhoisnotafraidofhim.Heissostrong!Ihopeyouwillthrowhimdownonthefloormany,many,manytimes.PATIOMKIN[behindthescreen].Varinka!VARINKA.Yes?PATIOMKIN.GoandlookthroughthekeyholeoftheImperialbed-chamber;andbringmewordwhethertheEmpressisawakeyet.VARINKA.Fidonc!Idonotlookthroughkeyholes.PATIOMKIN[emerging,havingarrangedhisshirtandputonhisdiamondedcoat].Youhavebeenbadlybroughtup,littledarling.Wouldanyladyorgentlemanwalkunannouncedintoaroomwithoutfirstlookingthroughthekeyhole?[Takinghisswordfromthetableandputtingiton.]Thegreatthinginlifeistobesimple;andtheperfectlysimplethingistolookthroughkeyholes.Anotherepigram:thefifththismorning!Whereismyfoolofachancellor?WhereisPopof?EDSTASTON[chokingwithsuppressedlaughter]!!!!PATIOMKIN[gratified].Darling,youappreciatemyepigram.EDSTASTON.Excuseme.Popoff!Ha!ha!Ican'thelplaughing:What'shisreal

name,bytheway,incaseImeethim?VARINKA[surprised].Hisrealname?Popof,ofcourse.Whydoyoulaugh,LittleFather?EDSTASTON.Howcananyonewithasenseofhumorhelplaughing?Popoff![Heisconvulsed.]VARINKA[lookingatheruncle,tapsherforeheadsignificantly]!!PATIOMKIN[asidetoVarinka].No:onlyEnglish.HewillamuseCatherine.[ToEdstaston.]Come,youshalltellthejoketotheEmpress:sheisbywayofbeingahumorist[hetakeshimbythearm,andleadshimtowardsthedoor].EDSTASTON[resisting].No,really.IamnotfitPATIOMKIN.Persuadehim,LittleangelMother.VARINKA[takinghisotherarm].Yes,yes,yes.LittleEnglishFather:Godknows

itisyourdutytobebraveandwaitontheEmpress.Come.EDSTASTON.No.IhadratherPATIOMKIN[haulinghimalong].Come.VARINKA[pullinghimandcoaxinghim].Come,littlelove:youcan'trefuseme.EDSTASTON.ButhowcanI?PATIOMKIN.Whynot?Shewon'teatyou.VARINKA.Shewill;butyoumustcome.EDSTASTON.IassureyouitisquiteoutofthequestionmyclothesVARINKA.Youlookperfect.PATIOMKIN.Comealong,darling.EDSTASTON[struggling].ImpossibleVARINKA.Come,come,come.EDSTASTON.No.BelievemeIdon'twishI

VARINKA.Carryhim,uncle.PATIOMKIN[liftinghiminhisarmslikeafathercarryingalittleboy].Yes:I'llcarryyou.EDSTASTON.Dashitall,thisisridiculous!VARINKA[seizinghisanklesanddancingasheiscarriedout].Youmustcome.Ifyoukickyouwillblackenmyeyes.PATIOMKIN.Come,baby,come.Bythistimetheyhavemadetheirwaythroughthedoorandareoutofhearing.



THESECONDSCENETheEmpress'spetitlever.Thecentraldoorsareclosed.Thosewhoenterthroughthemfindontheirleft,onadaisoftwobroadsteps,amagnificentcurtainedbed.BeyonditadoorinthepanellingleadstotheEmpress'scabinet.Nearthefootofthebed,inthemiddleoftheroom,standsagiltchair,withtheImperialarmscarvedandtheImperialmonogramembroidered.TheCourtisinattendance,standingintwomelancholyrowsdownthesideoftheroomoppositetothebed,solemn,bored,waitingfortheEmpresstoawaken.ThePrincessDashkoff,withtwoladies,standsalittleinfrontofthelineofcourtiers,bytheImperialchair.Silence,brokenonlybytheyawnsandwhispersofthecourtiers.Naryshkin,theChamberlain,standsbytheheadofthebed.Aloudyawnisheardfrombehindthecurtains.NARYSHKIN[holdingupawarninghand].Ssh!Thecourtiershastilyceasewhispering:dressuptheirlines:andstiffen.Deadsilence.Abelltinkleswithinthecurtains.NaryshkinandthePrincesssolemnlydrawthemandrevealtheEmpress.

Catherineturnsoveronherback,andstretchesherself.CATHERINE[yawning].Heighoahyahahowwhato'clockisit?[HeraccentisGerman.]NARYSHKIN[formally].HerImperialMajestyisawake.[TheCourtfallsonitsknees.]ALL.GoodmorningtoyourMajesty.NARYSHKIN.Half-pastten,LittleMother.CATHERINE[sittingupabruptly].Potztausend![Contemplatingthekneelingcourtiers.]Oh,getup,getup.[Allrise.]Youretiquetteboresme.Iamhardlyawakeinthemorningbeforeitbegins.[Yawningagain,andrelapsingsleepilyagainstherpillows.]Whydotheydoit,Naryshkin?NARYSHKIN.Godknowsitisnotforyoursake,LittleMother.Butyouseeifyou

werenotagreatqueentheywouldallbenobodies.CATHERINE[sittingup].Theymakemedoittokeepuptheirownlittledignities?So?NARYSHKIN.Exactly.Alsobecauseiftheydidn'tyoumighthavethemflogged,dearLittleMother.CATHERINE[springingenergeticallyoutofbedandseatingherselfontheedgeofit].Flogged!I!ALiberalEmpress!Aphilosopher!Youareabarbarian,Naryshkin.[Sherisesandturnstothecourtiers.]Andthen,asifIcared![SheturnsagaintoNaryshkin.]YoushouldknowbythistimethatIamfrankandoriginalincharacter,likeanEnglishman.[Shewalksaboutrestlessly.]No:whatmaddensmeaboutallthisceremonyisthatIamtheonlypersoninRussia

whogetsnofunoutofmybeingEmpress.Youallgloryinme:youbaskinmysmiles:yougettitlesandhonorsandfavorsfromme:youaredazzledbymycrownandmyrobes:youfeelsplendidwhenyouhavebeenadmittedtomypresence;andwhenIsayagraciouswordtoyou,youtalkaboutittoeveryoneyoumeetforaweekafterwards.ButwhatdoIgetoutofit?Nothing.[Shethrowsherselfintothechair.Naryshkindeprecateswithagesture;shehurlsanemphaticrepetitionathim.]Nothing!!Iwearacrownuntilmyneckaches:IstandlookingmajesticuntilIamreadytodrop:Ihavetosmileatuglyoldambassadorsandfrownandturnmybackonyoungandhandsomeones.Nobodygives



meanything.WhenIwasonlyanArchduchess,theEnglishambassadorusedtogivememoneywheneverIwanteditorratherwheneverhewantedtogetanythingoutofmysacredpredecessorElizabeth[theCourtbowstotheground];butnowthatIamEmpresshenevergivesmeakopek.WhenIhaveheadachesandcolicsIenvythescullerymaids.Andyouarenotabitgratefultomeforallmycareofyou,mywork,mythought,myfatigue,mysufferings.THEPRINCESSDASHKOFF.Godknows,LittleMother,weallimploreyoutogiveyourwonderfulbrainarest.Thatiswhyyougetheadaches.MonsieurVoltairealsohasheadaches.Hisbrainisjustlikeyours.CATHERINE.Dashkoff,whataliaryouare![Dashkoffcurtsieswithimpressivedignity.]Andyouthinkyouareflatteringme!LetmetellyouIwouldnotgivearoubletohavethebrainsofallthephilosophersinFrance.Whatisourbusinessfortoday?NARYSHKIN.Thenewmuseum,LittleMother.Butthemodelwillnotbereadyuntiltonight.CATHERINE[risingeagerly].Yes,themuseum.Anenlightenedcapitalshouldhaveamuseum.[Shepacesthechamberwithadeepsenseoftheimportanceofthemuseum.]Itshallbeoneofthewondersoftheworld.Imusthavespecimens:specimens,specimens,specimens.NARYSHKIN.Youareinhighspiritsthismorning,LittleMother.CATHERINE[withsuddenlevity.]Iamalwaysinhighspirits,evenwhenpeopledo

notbringmemyslippers.[Sherunstothechairandsitsdown,thrustingherfeetout.]Thetwoladiesrushtoherfeet,eachcarryingaslipper.Catherine,abouttoputherfeetintothem,ischeckedbyadisturbanceintheantechamber.PATIOMKIN[carryingEdstastonthroughtheantechamber].Uselesstostruggle.Comealong,beautifulbabydarling.CometoLittleMother.[Hesings.]Marchhimbaby,Baby,baby,Lit-tleba-bybumpkins.VARINKA[joiningintothesamedoggerelincanon,athirdabove].Marchhim,baby,etc.,etc.EDSTASTON[tryingtomakehimselfheard].No,no.Thisiscarryingajoketoofar.Imustinsist.Letmedown!Hangit,willyouletmedown!Confoundit!No,no.Stopplayingthefool,willyou?Wedon'tunderstandthissortofthingin

England.Ishallbedisgraced.Letmedown.CATHERINE[meanwhile].Whatahorriblenoise!Naryshkin,seewhatitis.Naryshkingoestothedoor.CATHERINE[listening].ThatisPrincePatiomkin.NARYSHKIN[callingfromthedoor].LittleMother,astranger.Catherineplungesintobedagainandcoversherselfup.Patiomkin,followedbyVarinka,carriesEdstastonin:dumpshimdownonthefootofthebed:andstaggerspastittothecabinetdoor.Varinkajoinsthecourtiersattheoppositesideoftheroom.Catherine,blazingwithwrath,pushesEdstastonoffherbedontothefloor:getsoutofbed:andturnsonPatiomkinwithsoterribleanexpressionthatallkneeldownhastilyexceptEdstaston,whoissprawlingonthecarpetinangryconfusion.CATHERINE.Patiomkin,howdareyou?[LookingatEdstaston.]Whatisthis?

PATIOMKIN[onhisknees,tearfully].Idon'tknow.Iamdrunk.Whatisthis,Varinka?EDSTASTON[scramblingtohisfeet].Madam,thisdrunkenruffianPATIOMKIN.Thastrue.Drungnruffian.Tookdvantageofmybeingdrunk.Said:takemetoLilangelMother.TakemetobeauflEmpress.Takemetothegrea'stwomanonearth.Thaswhashehesaid.Itookhim.Iwaswrong.Iamnotsober.CATHERINE.MenhavegrownsoberinSiberiaforless,Prince.PATIOMKIN.Serveemright!Sgustinghabit.AskVarinka.CatherineturnsherfacefromhimtotheCourt.Thecourtiersseethatsheistryingnottolaugh,andknowbyexperiencethatshewillnotsucceed.They



rise,relievedandgrinning.VARINKA.Itistrue.Hedrinkslikeapig.PATIOMKIN[plaintively].No:notlikepig.Likeprince.LilMothermadepoorPatiomkinprince.WhasusebeingprinceifImayn'tdrink?CATHERINE[bitingherlips].Go.Iamoffended.PATIOMKIN.Don'tscold,LilMother.CATHERINE[imperiously].Go.PATIOMKIN[risingunsteadily].Yes:go.Gobyebye.Verysleepy.BerrgobyebyethangoSiberia.GobyebyeinLilMother'sbed[hepretendstomakeanattempttogetintothebed].CATHERINE[energeticallypullinghimback].No,no!Patiomkin!Whatareyouthinkingof?[Hefallslikealogonthefloor,apparentlydeaddrunk.]THEPRINCESSDASHKOFF.Scandalous!AninsulttoyourImperialMajesty!CATHERINE.Dashkoff:youhavenosenseofhumor.[ShestepsdowntothedoorlevelandlooksindulgentlyatPatiomkin.Hegurglesbrutishly.Shehasanimpulseofdisgust.]Hog.[Shekickshimashardasshecan.]Oh!Youhavebrokenmytoe.Brute.Beast.Dashkoffisquiteright.Doyouhear?PATIOMKIN.Ifyouaskmypi-pinionofDashkoff,mypipinionisthatDashkoffisdrunk.Scanlous.PoorPatiomkingobyebye.[Herelapsesintodrunkenslumbers.]

Someofthecourtiersmovetocarryhimaway.CATHERINE[stoppingthem].Lethimlie.Lethimsleepitoff.Ifhegoesoutit

willbetoatavernandlowcompanyfortherestoftheday.[Indulgently.]There![Shetakesapillowfromthebedandputsitunderhishead:thenturnstoEdstaston:surveyshimwithperfectdignity:andasks,inherqueenliestmanner.]Varinka,whoisthisgentleman?VARINKA.Aforeigncaptain:Icannotpronouncehisname.Ithinkheismad.HecametothePrinceandsaidhemustseeyourMajesty.Hecantalkofnothingelse.Wecouldnotpreventhim.EDSTASTON[overwhelmedbythisapparentbetrayal].Oh!Madam:Iamperfectlysane:IamactuallyanEnglishman.IshouldneverhavedreamtofapproachingyourMajestywithoutthefullestcredentials.IhavelettersfromtheEnglishambassador,fromthePrussianambassador.[Naively.]ButeverybodyassuredmethatPrincePatiomkmisall-powerfulwithyourMajesty;soInaturallyappliedtohim.

PATIOMKIN[interruptstheconversationbyanagonizedwheezinggroanasofadonkeybeginningtobray]!!!CATHERINE[likeafishfag].Schweig,duHund.[Resumingherimpressiveroyalmanner.]Haveyouneverbeentaught,sir,howagentlemanshouldenterthepresenceofasovereign?EDSTASTON.Yes,Madam;butIdidnotenteryourpresence:Iwascarried.CATHERINE.ButyousayyouaskedthePrincetocarryyou.EDSTASTON.Certainlynot,Madam.Iprotestedagainstitwithallmymight.Iappealtothisladytoconfirmme.VARINKA[pretendingtobeindignant].Yes,youprotested.But,allthesame,youwereveryveryveryanxioustoseeherImperialMajesty.YoublushedwhenthePrincespokeofher.Youthreatenedtostrikehimacrossthefacewithyour

swordbecauseyouthoughthedidnotspeakenthusiasticallyenoughofher.[ToCatherine.]Trustme:hehasseenyourImperialMajestybefore.CATHERINE[toEdstaston].Youhaveseenusbefore?EDSTASTON.Atthereview,Madam.VARINKA[triumphantly].Aha!Iknewit.YourMajestyworethehussaruniform.Hesawhowradiant!howsplendid!yourMajestylooked.Oh!hehasdaredtoadmireyourMajesty.Suchinsolenceisnottobeendured.EDSTASTON.AllEuropeisapartytothatinsolence,Madam.THEPRINCESSDASHKOFF.AllEuropeiscontenttodosoatarespectfuldistance.



ItispossibletoadmireherMajesty'spolicyandhereminenceinliteratureandphilosophywithoutperformingacrobaticfeatsintheImperialbed.EDSTASTON.IknownothingaboutherMajesty'seminenceinpolicyorphilosophy:Idon'tpretendtounderstandsuchthings.Ispeakasapracticalman.AndIneverknewthatforeignershadanypolicy:IalwaysthoughtthatpolicywasMr.Pitt'sbusiness.CATHERINE[liftinghereyebrows].So?VARINKA.WhatelsedidyoupresumetoadmireherMajestyfor,pray?EDSTASTON[addled].Well,IIIthatis,I[Hestammershimselfdumb.]CATHERINE[afterapitilesssilence].Wearewaitingforyouranswer.EDSTASTON.ButIneversaidIadmiredyourMajesty.Theladyhastwistedmywords.VARINKA.Youdon'tadmireher,then?EDSTASTON.Well,Inaturallyofcourse,Ican'tdenythattheuniformwasverybecomingperhapsalittleunfemininestillDeadsilence.CatherineandtheCourtwatchhimstonily.Heiswretchedlyembarrassed.CATHERINE[withcoldmajesty].Well,sir:isthatallyouhavetosay?EDSTASTON.Surelythereisnoharminnoticingthaterthater[Hestopsagain.]

CATHERINE.Noticingthater?[Hegazesather,speechless,likeafascinatedrabbit.Sherepeatsfiercely.]Thater?EDSTASTON[startledintospeech].Well,thatyourMajestywaswas[soothingly]Well,letmeputitthisway:thatitwasrathernaturalforamantoadmire

yourMajestywithoutbeingaphilosopher.CATHERINE[suddenlysmilingandextendingherhandtohimtobekissed].Courtier!EDSTASTON[kissingit].Notatall.YourMajestyisverygood.Ihavebeenveryawkward;butIdidnotintendit.Iamratherstupid,Iamafraid.CATHERINE.Stupid!Bynomeans.Courage,Captain:wearepleased.[Hefallsonhisknee.Shetakeshischeeksinherhands:turnsuphisface:andadds]Wearegreatlypleased.[Sheslapshischeekcoquettishly:hebowsalmosttohisknee.]Thepetitleverisover.[Sheturnstogointothecabinet,andstumblesagainstthesupinePatiomkin.]Ach![Edstastonspringstoherassistance,seizing

Patiomkin'sheelsandshiftinghimoutoftheEmpress'spath.]Wethankyou,Captain.Hebowsgallantlyandisrewardedbyaverygracioussmile.ThenCatherinegoesintohercabinet,followedbytheprincessDashkoff,whoturnsatthedoortomakeadeepcourtseytoEdstaston.VARINKA.HappyLittleFather!Remember:Ididthisforyou.[SherunsoutaftertheEmpress.]Edstaston,somewhatdazed,crossestheroomtothecourtiers,andisreceivedwithmarkeddeference,eachcourtiermakinghimaprofoundboworcurtseybeforewithdrawingthroughthecentraldoors.Hereturnseachobeisancewithanervousjerk,andturnsawayfromit,onlytofindanothercourtierbowingattheotherside.Theprocessfinallyreducedhimtodistraction,ashebumpsintoonein

theactofbowingtoanotherandthenhastobowhisapologies.ButatlasttheyareallgoneexceptNaryshkin.EDSTASTON.Ouf!PATIOMKIN[jumpingupvigorously].Youhavedoneit,darling.Superbly!Beautifully!EDSTASTON[astonished].Doyoumeantosayyouarenotdrunk?PATIOMKIN.Notdeaddrunk,darling.Onlydiplomaticallydrunk.Asadrunkenhog,IhavedoneforyouinfiveminuteswhatIcouldnothavedoneinfivemonthsas



asoberman.Yourfortuneismade.Shelikesyou.EDSTASTON.Thedevilshedoes!PATIOMKIN.Why?Aren'tyoudelighted?EDSTASTON.Delighted!Graciousheavens,man,Iamengagedtobemarried.PATIOMKIN.Whatmatter?SheisinEngland,isn'tshe?EDSTASTON.No.ShehasjustarrivedinSt.Petersburg.THEPRINCESSDASHKOFF[returning].CaptainEdstaston,theEmpressisrobed,andcommandsyourpresence.EDSTASTON.SayIwasgonebeforeyouarrivedwiththemessage.[Hehurriesout.Theotherthree,tootakenabacktostophim,stareafterhimintheutmostastonishment.]NARYSHKIN[turningfromthedoor].Shewillhavehimknouted.Heisadeadman.THEPRINCESSDASHKOFF.ButwhatamItodo?IcannottakesuchananswertotheEmpress.PATIOMKIN.P-P-P-P-P-P-W-W-W-W-W-rrrrrr[alongpuff,turningintoagrowl]![Hespits.]Imustkicksomebody.NARYSHKIN[flyingprecipitatelythroughthecentraldoors].No,no.Please.THEPRINCESSDASHKOFF[throwingherselfrecklesslyinfrontofPatiomkinashestartsinpursuitoftheChamberlain].Kickme.Disableme.Itwillbeanexcusefornotgoingbacktoher.Kickmehard.PATIOMKIN.Yah![HeflingsheronthebedanddashesafterNaryshkin.]

THETHIRDSCENEInaterracegardenoverlookingtheNeva.Claire,arobustyoungEnglishlady,isleaningontheriverwall.Sheturnsexpectantlyonhearingthegardengateopenedandclosed.Edstastonhurriesin.Withacryofdelightshethrowsherarmsroundhisneck.CLAIRE.Darling!EDSTASTON[makingawryface].Don'tcallmedarling.CLAIRE[amazedandchilled].Why?

EDSTASTON.Ihavebeencalleddarlingallthemorning.CLAIRE[withaflashofjealousy].Bywhom?EDSTASTON.Byeverybody.Bythemostunutterableswine.Andifwedonotleavethisabominablecitynow:doyouhear?now;IshallbecalleddarlingbytheEmpress.CLAIRE[withmagnificentsnobbery].Shewouldnotdare.Didyoutellheryouwereengagedtome?EDSTASTON.Ofcoursenot.CLAIRE.Why?EDSTASTON.BecauseIdidn'tparticularlywanttohaveyouknouted,andtobehangedorsenttoSiberiamyself.CLAIRE.Whatonearthdoyoumean?EDSTASTON.Well,thelongandshortofitisdon'tthinkmeacoxcomb,Claire:

itistooserioustomincemattersIhaveseentheEmpress;andCLAIRE.Well,youwantedtoseeher.EDSTASTON.Yes;buttheEmpresshasseenme.CLAIRE.Shehasfalleninlovewithyou!EDSTASTON.Howdidyouknow?CLAIRE.Dearest:asifanyonecouldhelpit.EDSTASTON.Oh,don'tmakemefeellikeafool.But,thoughitdoessoundconceitedtosayit,IflattermyselfI'mbetterlookingthanPatiomkinandtheotherhogssheisaccustomedto.Anyhow,Idaren'triskstaying.CLAIRE.Whatanuisance!Mammawillbefuriousathavingtopack,andatmissing



theCourtballthisevening.EDSTASTON.Ican'thelpthat.Wehaven'tamomenttolose.CLAIRE.MayItellhershewillbeknoutedifwestay?EDSTASTON.Do,dearest.Hekissesherandletshergo,expectinghertorunintothehouse.CLAIRE[pausingthoughtfully].Issheisshegood-lookingwhenyouseeherclose?EDSTASTON.Notapatchonyou,dearest.CLAIRE[jealous].Thenyoudidseeherclose?EDSTASTON.Fairlyclose.CLAIRE.Indeed!Howclose?No:that'ssillyofme:Iwilltellmamma.[SheisgoingoutwhenNaryshkinenterswiththeSergeantandasquadofsoldiers.]Whatdoyouwanthere?TheSergeantgoestoEdstaston:plumpsdownonhisknees:andtakesoutamagnificentpairofpistolswithgoldgrips.HeproffersthemtoEdstaston,holdingthembythebarrels.NARYSHKIN.CaptainEdstaston:hisHighnessPrincePatiomkinsendsyouthepistolshepromisedyou.THESERGEANT.Takethem,LittleFather;anddonotforgetuspoorsoldierswhohavebroughtthemtoyou;forGodknowswegetbutlittletodrink.EDSTASTON[irresolutely].ButIcan'ttakethesevaluablethings.ByJiminy,though,they'rebeautiful!Lookatthem,Claire.

AsheistakingthepistolsthekneelingSergeantsuddenlydropsthem;flingshimselfforward;andembracesEdstaston'shipstopreventhimfromdrawinghisownpistolsfromhisboots.THESERGEANT.Layholdofhimthere.Pinhisarms.Ihavehispistols.[ThesoldiersseizeEdstaston.]EDSTASTON.Ah,wouldyou,damnyou![HedriveshiskneeintotheSergeant'sepigastrium,andstrugglesfuriouslywithhiscaptors.]THESERGEANT[rollingontheground,gaspingandgroaning].Owgh!Murder!HolyNicholas!Owwwgh!CLAIRE.Help!help!TheyarekillingCharles.Help!NARYSHKIN[seizingherandclappinghishandoverhermouth].Tiehimneckandcrop.Tenthousandblowsofthestickifyoulethimgo.[Clairetwistsherselfloose:turnsonhim:andcuffshimfuriously.]Yowow!Havemercy,Little

Mother.CLAIRE.Youwretch!Help!Help!Police!Wearebeingmurdered.Help!TheSergeant,whohasrisen,comestoNaryshkin'srescue,andgraspsClaire'shands,enablingNaryshkintogagheragain.BythistimeEdstastonandhiscaptorsareallrollingonthegroundtogether.TheygetEdstastononhisbackandfastenhiswriststogetherbehindhisknees.Nexttheyputabroadstraproundhisribs.Finallytheypassapolethroughthisbreaststrapandthroughthewaiststrapandlifthimbyit,helplesslytrussedup,tocarryhimof.Meanwhileheisbynomeanssufferinginsilence.EDSTASTON[gasping].Youshallhearmoreofthis.Damnyou,willyouuntieme?Iwillcomplaintotheambassador.IwillwritetotheGazette.Englandwillblowyourtrumperylittlefleetoutofthewaterandsweepyourtinpotarmyinto

Siberiaforthis.Willyouletmego?Damnyou!Curseyou!Whatthedevildoyoumeanbyit?I'llI'llI'll[heiscarriedoutofhearing].NARYSHKIN[snatchinghishandsfromClaire'sfacewithascream,andshakinghisfingerfrantically].Agh![TheSergeant,amazed,letsgoherhands.]Shehasbittenme,thelittlevixen.CLAIRE[spittingandwipinghermouthdisgustedly].Howdareyouputyourdirtypawsonmymouth?Ugh!Psha!THESERGEANT.Bemerciful,LittleangelMother.



whatwomanwouldforgivetheslightyouputuponher?EDSTASTON.AsIsaidbefore:Damnyoureyes!NARYSHKIN[almostintears].Well,itisn'tmyfault.[Tothesoldiers,insolently.]Youknowyourorders?YourememberwhatyouhavetodowhentheEmpressgivesyoutheword?[Thesoldierssaluteinassent.]Naryshkinpassesthroughthecurtains,admittingablareofmusicandastripofthebrilliantwhitecandlelightfromthechandeliersintheballroomashedoesso.Thewhitelightvanishesandthemusicismuffledasthecurtainsfalltogetherbehindhim.Presentlythebandstopsabruptly:andNaryshkincomesbackthroughthecurtains.Hemakesawarninggesturetothesoldiers,whostandatattention.ThenhemovesthecurtaintoallowCatherinetoenter.SheisinfullImperialregalia,andstopssternlyjustwhereshehasentered.Thesoldiersfallontheirknees.CATHERINE.Obeyyourorders.ThesoldiersseizeEdstaston,andthrowhimroughlyatthefeetoftheEmpress.CATHERINE[lookingdowncoldlyonhim].Also[theGermanword],youhaveputmetothetroubleofsendingforyoutwice.Youhadbetterhavecomethefirsttime.EDSTASTON[exsufflicate,andpettishlyangry].Ihaven'tcomeeithertime.I'vebeencarried.Icallitinfernalimpudence.CATHERINE.Takecarewhatyousay.

EDSTASTON.Nouse.Idaresayyoulookverymajesticandveryhandsome;butIcan'tseeyou;andIamnotintimidated.IamanEnglishman;andyoucankidnapme;butyoucan'tbullyme.NARYSHKIN.Remembertowhomyouarespeaking.CATHERINE[violently,furiousathisintrusion].Rememberthatdogsshouldbedumb.[Heshrivels.]Anddoyou,Captain,rememberthatfamousasIamformyclemency,therearelimitstothepatienceevenofanEmpress.EDSTASTON.Howisamantorememberanythingwhenheistrussedupinthisridiculousfashion?Icanhardlybreathe.[Hemakesafutilestruggletofreehimself.]Here:don'tbeunkind,yourMajesty:tellthesefellowstounstrapme.Youknowyoureallyowemeanapology.CATHERINE.Youthinkyoucanescapebyappealing,likePrincePatiomkin,tomy

senseofhumor?EDSTASTON.Senseofhumor!Ho!Ha,ha!Ilikethat.Wouldanybodywithasenseofhumormakeaguyofamanlikethis,andthenexpecthimtotakeitseriously?Isay:dotellthemtoloosenthesestraps.CATHERINE[seatingherself].WhyshouldI,pray?EDSTASTON.Why!Why!Why,becausethey'rehurtingme.CATHERINE.Peoplesometimeslearnthroughsuffering.Manners,forinstance.EDSTASTON.Oh,well,ofcourse,ifyou'reanill-naturedwoman,hurtingmeonpurpose,Ihavenothingmoretosay.CATHERINE.Amonarch,sir,hassometimestoemployanecessary,andsalutaryseverityEDSTASTON[Interruptingherpetulantly].Quack!quack!quack!CATHERINE.Donnerwetter!

EDSTASTON[continuingrecklessly].Thisisn'tseverity:it'stomfoolery.Andifyouthinkit'sreformingmycharacterorteachingmeanything,you'remistaken.Itmaybeasatisfactiontoyou;butifitis,allIcansayisthatit'snotanamiablesatisfaction.CATHERINE[turningsuddenlyandbalefullyonNaryshkin].Whatareyougrinningat?NARYSHKIN[fallingonhiskneesinterror].Bemerciful,LittleMother.Myheartisinmymouth.



willyouletmeup?Andlookhere!Icanseeyourankleswhenyoutickleme:it'snotladylike.CATHERINE[stickingouthertoeandadmiringitcritically].Isthespectaclesodisagreeable?EDSTASTON.It'sagreeableenough;only[withintenseexpression]forheaven'ssakedon'ttouchmeintheribs.CATHERINE[puttingasidethepamphlet].CaptainEdstaston,whydidyourefusetocomewhenIsentforyou?EDSTASTON.Madam,Icannottalktieduplikethis.CATHERINE.Doyoustilladmiremeasmuchasyoudidthismorning?EDSTASTON.HowcanIpossiblytellwhenIcan'tseeyou?Letmegetupandlook.Ican'tseeanythingnowexceptmytoesandyours.CATHERINE.DoyoustillintendtowritetotheLondonGazetteaboutme?EDSTASTON.Notifyouwillloosenthesestraps.Quick:loosenme.I'mfainting.CATHERINE.Idon'tthinkyouare[ticklinghim].EDSTASTON.Agh!Cat!CATHERINE.What[shetickleshimagain].EDSTASTON[withashriek].No:angel,angel!CATHERINE[tenderly].Geliebter!EDSTASTON.Idon'tknowawordofGerman;butthatsoundedkind.[Becominghysterical.]LittleMother,beautifullittledarlingangelmother:don'tbe

cruel:untieme.Oh,Ibegandimploreyou.Don'tbeunkind.Ishallgomad.CATHERINE.YouareexpectedtogomadwithlovewhenanEmpressdeignstointerestherselfinyou.WhenanEmpressallowsyoutoseeherfootyoushouldkissit.CaptainEdstaston,youareabooby.EDSTASTON[indignantly].Iamnothingofthekind.Ihavebeenmentionedindispatchesasahighlyintelligentofficer.AndletmewarnyourMajestythatIamnotsohelplessasyouthink.TheEnglishAmbassadorisinthatballroom.Ashoutfrommewillbringhimtomyside;andthenwherewillyourMajestybe?CATHERINE.IshouldliketoseetheEnglishAmbassadororanyoneelsepassthroughthatcurtainagainstmyorders.Itmightbeastonewalltenfeetthick.Shoutyourloudest.Sob.Curse.Scream.Yell[shetickleshimunmercifully].EDSTASTON[frantically].Ahowyou!!!!Agh!oh!Stop!OhLord!Ya-a-a-ah![A

tumultintheballroomrespondstohiscries].VOICESFROMTHEBALLROOM.Standback.Youcannotpass.Holdherbackthere.TheEmpress'sorders.Itisoutofthequestion.No,littledarling,notinthere.Nobodyisallowedinthere.YouwillbesenttoSiberia.Don'tletherthroughthere,onyourlife.Dragherback.Youwillbeknouted.Itishopeless,Mademoiselle:youmustobeyorders.Guardthere!Sendsomementoholdher.CLAIRE'SVOICE.Letmego.TheyaretorturingCharlesinthere.IWILLgo.Howcanyoualldanceasifnothingwashappening?Letmego,Itellyou.Letmego.[Shedashesthroughthecurtain,noonedaresfollowher.]CATHERINE[risinginwrath].Howdareyou?CLAIRE[recklessly].Oh,dareyourgrandmother!WhereismyCharles?Whataretheydoingtohim?EDSTASTON[shouting].Claire,loosenthesestraps,inHeaven'sname.Quick.

CLAIRE[seeinghimandthrowingherselfonherkneesathisside].Oh,howdaretheytieyouuplikethat![ToCatherine.]Youwickedwretch!YouRussiansavage![Shepouncesonthestraps,andbeginsunbucklingthem.]CATHERINE[conqueringherselfwithamightyeffort].Nowself-control.Self-control,Catherine.Philosophy.Europeislookingon.[Sheforcesherselftositdown.]EDSTASTON.Steady,dearest:itistheEmpress.CallheryourImperialMajesty.CallherStaroftheNorth,LittleMother,LittleDarling:that'swhatshelikes;butgetthestrapsoff.CLAIRE.Keepquiet,dear:Icannotgetthemoffifyoumove.



CATHERINE[calmly].Keepquitestill,Captain[shetickleshim.]EDSTASTON.Ow!Agh!Ahowyow!CLAIRE[stoppingdeadintheactofunbucklingthestrapsandturningsickwithjealousyasshegraspsthesituation].WasTHATwhatIthoughtwasyourbeingtortured?CATHERINE[urbanely].ThatisthefavoritetortureofCatherinetheSecond,Mademoiselle.IthinktheCaptainenjoysitverymuch.CLAIRE.Thenhecanhaveasmuchmoreofitashewants.IamsorryIintruded.[Sherisestogo.]EDSTASTON[catchinghertraininhisteethandholdingonlikeabull-dog].Don'tgo.Don'tleavemeinthishorriblestate.Loosenme.[Thisiswhatheissaying:butashesaysitwiththetraininhismouthitisnotveryintelligible.]CLAIRE.Letgo.Youareundignifiedandridiculousenoughyourselfwithoutmakingmeridiculous.[Shesnatcheshertrainaway.]EDSTASTON.Ow!You'venearlypulledmyteethout:you'reworsethantheStaroftheNorth.[ToCatherine.]DarlingLittleMother:youhaveakindheart,thekindestinEurope.Havepity.Havemercy.Iloveyou.[Claireburstsintotears.]Releaseme.CATHERINE.Well,justtoshowyouhowmuchkinderaRussiansavagecanbethananEnglishone(thoughIamsorrytosayIamaGerman)heregoes![Shestoopstoloosenthestraps.]CLAIRE[jealously].Youneedn'ttrouble,thankyou.[Shepouncesonthestraps:andthetwosetEdstastonfreebetweenthem.]Nowgetup,please;andconduct

yourselfwithsomedignityifyouarenotutterlydemoralized.EDSTASTON.Dignity!Ow!Ican't.I'mstiffallover.Ishallneverbeabletostandupagain.OhLord!howithurts![Theyseizehimbytheshouldersanddraghimup.]Yah!Agh!Wow!Oh!Mmmmmm!Oh,LittleAngelMother,don'teverdothistoamanagain.Knouthim;killhim;roasthim;bastehim;head,hang,andquarterhim;butdon'ttiehimuplikethatandticklehim.CATHERINE.Youryoungladystillseemstothinkthatyouenjoyedit.CLAIRE.IknowwhatIthink.Iwillneverspeaktohimagain.YourMajestycankeephim,asfarasIamconcerned.CATHERINE.Iwouldnotdepriveyouofhimforworlds;thoughreallyIthinkhe'sratheradarling[shepatshischeek].

CLAIRE[snorting].SoIsee,indeed.EDSTASTON.Don'tbeangry,dearest:inthiscountryeverybody'sadarling.I'llproveittoyou.[ToCatherine.]WillyourMajestybegoodenoughtocallPrincePatiomkin?CATHERINE[surprisedintohaughtiness].Why?EDSTASTON.Toobligeme.Catherinelaughsgood-humoredlyandgoestothecurtainsandopensthem.ThebandstrikesupaRedowa.CATHERINE[callingimperiously].Patiomkin![Themusicstopssuddenly.]Here!Tome!Goonwithyourmusicthere,youfools.[TheRedowaisresumed.]ThesergeantrushesfromtheballroomtorelievetheEmpressofthecurtain.

PatiomkincomesindancingwithYarinka.CATHERINE[toPatiomkin].TheEnglishcaptainwantsyou,littledarling.CatherineresumesherseatasPatiomkinintimatesbyagrotesquebowthatheisatEdstaston'sservice.YarinkapassesbehindEdstastonandClaire,andpostsherselfonClaire'sright.EDSTASTON.Precisely.[ToClaire.]Youobserve,mylove:"littledarling."Well,ifherMajestycallshimadarling,isitmyfaultthatshecallsmeonetoo?CLAIRE.Idon'tcare:Idon'tthinkyououghttohavedoneit.Iamveryangryandoffended.



EDSTASTON.Theytiedmeup,dear.Icouldn'thelpit.IfoughtforallIwasworth.THESERGEANT[atthecurtains].Hefoughtwiththestrengthoflionsandbears.GodknowsIshallcarryabrokensweetbreadtomygrave.EDSTASTON.Youcan'tmeantothrowmeover,Claire.[Urgently.]Claire.Claire.VARINKA[inatransportofsympatheticemotion,pleadingwithclaspedhandstoClaire].Oh,sweetlittleangellamb,helovesyou:itshinesinhisdarlingeyes.Pardonhim,pardonhim.PATIOMKIN[rushingfromtheEmpress'ssidetoClaireandfallingonhiskneestoher].Pardonhim,pardonhim,littlecherub!littlewildduck!littlestar!littleglory!littlejewelinthecrownofheaven!CLAIRE.Thisisperfectlyridiculous.VARINKA[kneelingtoher].Pardonhim,pardonhim,littledelight,littlesleeperinarosycradle.CLAIRE.I'lldoanythingifyou'llonlyletmealone.THESERGEANT[kneelingtoher].Pardonhim,pardonhim,lestthemightymanbringhiswhiptoyou.Godknowsweallneedpardon!CLAIRE[atthetopofhervoice].Ipardonhim!Ipardonhim!PATIOMKIN[springingupjoyfullyandgoingbehindClaire,whomheraisesinhisarms].Embraceher,victorofBunker'sHill.Kisshertillsheswoons.THESERGEANT.ReceiveherinthenameoftheholyNicholas.VARINKA.Shebegsyouforathousanddearlittlekissesalloverherbody.CLAIRE[vehemently].Idonot.[PatiomkinthrowsherintoEdstaston'sarms.]Oh!

[Thepair,awkwardandshamefaced,recoilfromoneanother,andremainutterlyinexpressive.]CATHERINE[pushingEdstastontowardsClaire].Thereisnohelpforit,Captain.ThisisRussia,notEngland.EDSTASTON[pluckingupsomegeniality,andkissingClaireceremoniouslyonthebrow].Ihavenoobjection.VARINKA[disgusted].Onlyonekiss!andontheforehead!Fish.SeehowIkiss,thoughitisonlymyhorriblyuglyolduncle[shethrowsherarmsroundPatiomkin'sneckandcovershisfacewithkisses].THESERGEANT[movedtotears].SaintedNicholas:blessyourlambs!CATHERINE.DoyouwondernowthatIloveRussiaasIlovenootherplaceonearth?

NARYSHKIN[appearingatthedoor].Majesty:themodelforthenewmuseumhasarrived.CATHERINE[risingeagerlyandmakingforthecurtains].Letusgo.Icanthinkofnothingbutmymuseum.[InthearchwayshestopsandturnstoEdstaston,whohashurriedtoliftthecurtainforher.]Captain,Iwishyoueveryhappinessthatyourlittleangelcanbringyou.[Forhisearalone.]Icouldhavebroughtyoumore;butyoudidnotthinkso.Farewell.EDSTASTON[kissingherhand,which,insteadofreleasing,heholdscaressinglyandratherpatronizinglyinhisown].IfeelyourMajesty'skindnesssomuchthatIreallycannotleaveyouwithoutawordofplainwholesomeEnglishadvice.

CATHERINE[snatchingherhandawayandboundingforwardasifhehadtouchedher

withaspur].Advice!!!PATIOMKIN.Madman:takecare!NARYSHKIN.AdvisetheEmpress!!THESERGEANT.SaintedNicholas!VARINKA.Hoohoo![astifledsplutteroflaughter].EDSTASTON[followingtheEmpressandresumingkindlybutjudicially].Afterall,thoughyourMajestyisofcourseagreatqueen,yetwhenallissaid,Iamaman;andyourMajestyisonlyawoman.



CATHERINE.Onlyawo[shechokes].EDSTASTON[continuing].Believeme,thisRussianextravagancewillnotdo.Iappreciateasmuchasanymanthewarmthofheartthatpromptsit;butitisoverdone:itishardlyinthebesttaste:itisreallyImustsayititisnotproper.CATHERINE[ironically,inGerman].So!EDSTASTON.NotthatIcannotmakeallowances.YourMajestyhas,Iknow,beenunfortunateinyourexperienceasamarriedwomanCATHERINE[furious].AlleWetter!!!EDSTASTON[sentimentally].Don'tsaythat.Don'tthinkofhiminthatway.Afterall,hewasyourhusband;andwhateverhisfaultsmayhavebeen,itisnotforyoutothinkunkindlyofhim.CATHERINE[almostbursting].Ishallforgetmyself.EDSTASTON.Come!Iamsurehereallylovedyou;andyoutrulylovedhim.CATHERINE[controllingherselfwithasupremeeffort].No,Catherine.WhatwouldVoltairesay?EDSTASTON.Oh,nevermindthatvilescoffer.SetanexampletoEurope,Madam,bydoingwhatIamgoingtodo.Marryagain.Marrysomegoodmanwhowillbeastrengthandsupporttoyouroldage.CATHERINE.Myold[sheagainbecomesspeechless].EDSTASTON.Yes:wemustallgrowold,eventhehandsomestofus.

CATHERINE[sinkingintoherchairwithagasp].Thankyou.EDSTASTON.Youwillthankmemorewhenyouseeyourlittleonesroundyourknee,andyourmantherebythefiresideinthewintereveningsbytheway,Iforgotthatyouhavenofiresidehereinspiteofthecoldnessoftheclimate;soshallIsaybythestove?CATHERINE.Certainly,ifyouwish.Thestovebyallmeans.EDSTASTON[impulsively].Ah,Madam,abolishthestove:believeme,thereisnothinglikethegoodoldopengrate.Home!duty!happiness!theyallmeanthesamething;andtheyallflourishbestonthedrawing-roomhearthrug.[TurningtoClaire.]Andnow,mylove,wemustnotdetaintheQueen:sheisanxioustoinspectthemodelofhermuseum,towhichIamsurewewisheverysuccess.

CLAIRE[coldly].Iamnotdetainingher.EDSTASTON.Well,goodbye[wringingPatiomkin'shand]goo-oo-oodbye,Prince:comeandseeusifeveryouvisitEngland.SpireView,Deepdene,LittleMugford,Devon,willalwaysfindme.[ToYarinka,kissingherhand.]Goodbye,Mademoiselle:goodbye,LittleMother,ifImaycallyouthatjustonce.[Varinkaputsupherfacetobekissed.]Eh?No,no,no,no:youdon'tmeanthat,youknow.Naughty![TotheSergeant.]Goodbye,myfriend.Youwilldrinkourhealthswiththis[tippinghim].THESERGEANT.TheblessedNicholaswillmultiplyyourfruits,LittleFather.EDSTASTON.Goodbye,goodbye,goodbye,goodbye,goodbye,goodbye.

Hegoesoutbackwards,bowing,withClairecurtseying,havingbeenlistenedtoinutterdumbfoundednessbyPatiomkinandNaryshkin,inchildlikeawebyYarinka,andwithquiteinexpressiblefeelingsbyCatherine.WhenheisoutofsightsheriseswithclinchedfistsandraisesherarmsandherclosedeyestoHeaven.Patiomkin:rousinghimselffromhisstuporofamazement,springstoherlikeatiger,andthrowshimselfatherfeet.PATIOMKIN.WhatshallIdotohimforyou?Skinhimalive?Cutoffhiseyelidsandstandhiminthesun?Tearhistongueout?Whatshallitbe?CATHERINE[openinghereyes].Nothing.Butoh,ifIcouldonlyhavehadhimformyformyformy



PATIOMKIN[inagrowlofjealousy].Foryourlover?CATHERINE[withanineffablesmile].No:formymuseum.

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