Friendships

Think back to your childhood. What did you do with friends?Boys generally plays games with lots of

rules and hierarchy/competitionGirls played games centered around

relationships

These early friendships set the stage for how friendships were developed later.

Male Deficit ModelWomen are the relationship experts and

feminine ways of forming and maintaining relationships the right way to intimacy

This model views personal, emotional, self-disclosure as the key to close relationships

Men are either less interested in using or unable to engage in emotional self-disclosure in relationships.

Some theorists have suggested men need to be re-socialized to be more in touch with their feelings and to communicate more expressively

Alternate Paths ModelAsserts there are different routes to

creating and sustaining close relationships, routes that are valid for bringing closeness between individuals

Rather than presume that men lack emotional depth or the ability to interact closely with others, the alternate paths model holds that masculine socialization does not encourage masculine individuals to express their feelings verbally

Masculine individuals, further, do express closeness in ways they understand and value, but through different ways than have been traditionally recognized

Instrumental displays of affection are more typically engaged in and appreciated by masculine individuals; there appears to be a closeness that occurs in doing things with and for other individuals with whom one is connected

Thus doing things with and for others becomes a form of disclosure for men

Values and Limitations Male definition of closeness Female definition of closeness Doing things being and talking Activities communication Topics impersonal topics personal Cognitive information Affective information Seldom discuss relationships Talk about relationships Narrower in scope Broader in scope Instrumental focus Relationship focus Covert intimacy Overt Intimacy Shared humor, friendly Free discussions about emotions

Competition and comfortable and feelingscompanionship

Is there a feminine ruler than measures closeness?

Self-DisclosureMen and women have different reasons to

avoid self-disclosureWomen want to avoid hurting the

relationshipMen to maintain control and power

Studies show that attractiveness has something to do with self disclosure:Men who perceive themselves as attractive disclose

more than do men who perceive themselves as unattractive

The opposite is true of women--women who are attractive have an advantage over women who are not, so they have more opportunities to interact, don’t need to self-disclose as much

Men self-disclose to strangers more than women do

Women who self-disclose are liked more than women who do not

This does not matter for men

ListeningMen sometimes see listening as one downWomen see it as a way to empower othersWomen listen to reflect understanding and

supportMen tune out things they can’t solve right away

or wonder why they should listen there isn’t a problem

Women listen to become connected with the speaker

These differences in the way we listen can lead to frustration with the opposite sex

Female-Female RelationshipsTaboo against displays of angerCompetition for malesHomophobiaWomen accept the negative view society

has of themWomen are gossipyUntrustworthyUninteresting

Times Are ChangingWomen’s friendships are being portrayed

more positivelyThis will lead to changes in how women

perceive each other

Male-MaleMale bonding is the butt of jokesIntimacy means doing things with each

otherFriends with a wider network of other

males to meet different needsWork friends, sports friends, drinking

buddies

ObstaclesCompetitiveness: hard to be supportive

toward persons with whom one is competing--need to exhibit toughness, financial success, heterosexuality or dominance, one-upmanshipMen exaggerate strengthsWomen exaggerate weaknesses

Need to suppress feelings--keep a stiff upper lip, take it like a man--people become vulnerable by sharing feelings Men disclose less than females about

feelings of love, sadness and happiness--especially to other males

Begin to cover up feelings by age 4Men prefer to disclose to females, if they

disclose at all

Homophobia--fear of being thought a homosexual Imagine one man asking another to come over an

talk, not to watch TV, go to a bar, or play basketball

Stigma attached to anything vaguely feminineMust get rid of homophobia so males can get

closer

Lack of role modelsLack of affection between fathers and sonsLack of warmth and affection by fathers is

major compliant, but sons tend to repeat the process

Male-Female Friendship Barriers

Gender segregation of activitiesSexualization of male/female relationships

Many people have difficulty believing in platonic relationships

Stereotypical personality traits, behaviors and ideology

Androgynous people have more opposite sex friends than sex-typed people