qmunicate special freshers week issue 5 • 14/09/12 • www.qmunicate.wordpress.com

REV

IEW

S&PR

EVIE

WS FRESHERS’ BALL

The classiest event of the year.

‘Thank you for the music’ sang ABBA. Today we will test how thankful you really are by seeing how much you’ve really remembered. At 4pm in Jim’s bar, this noble contest will be taking place.

For Freshers’ Week we’ve decided to go the extra mile; as well as Paul twinkling the ivories, the Kelvin Ensemble will be providing orchestral overtones to the event. Guessing what advert a jingle is from, or working out the song from the intro, are some of the challenges given to the participants. Points will be given for right answers, and also particularly good patter and team names.

As the name suggests, this quiz will test how much attention you’ve been paying to what’s in the charts, on TV and generally on the not-so-serious news. All through the quiz the lovably bearded and be-spectacled Bateman will be providing the banter onstage, asking those all important questions and generally keeping the quiz awesome. As for prizes, various miscellaneous items rounded up from Glasgow’s charity shops, plus the coveted crate of beer, are all up for grabs. It sounds random but it’s all stuff you never knew you needed until you hold it in your arms.

[Theo Wheatley]

POP CULTURE & A PIANOor an ensemble...

Never let it be said that Glasgow University students can’t scrub up good. Thursdaynight’s glamorous Freshers’ Ball proved conclusively that, when we want to, westudents can look bloody marvellous. Having treaded across thered carpet outside the entrance our esteemed guests waltzed in to find a freeglass of bubbly waiting for them in the Food Factory. For those who can keep theirglasses steady ceilidh dancing allowed all true kilted Scotsmen and their female counterparts a chance to show their ability to whirl and twirl. For those less good at drinking and moving at the same time the Food Factory sold burgers and chips, just in case all the class was getting tiring.

In Champions croupiers dealt out the cards in high class casino style, no moneywas at stake, which made it ok to risk all your chips on one desperate roulette roll (which I may have done).

Meanwhile a trumpet section heralded the crowd down the main stairs, leading us all to Qudos, where a ten piece ska band (Victorian Trout Conspiracy) blasted off, pumping out such infectious tunes that the crowd couldn’t help but get down. All that booty shaking pushed the heat right up, and pretty soon it was taps aff time for the band.

In Jim’s, Stirling’s finest Miniature Dinosaurs played their indie rock to a up-marketcrowd, dressed to the nines for a good time. Candles flickered by the flowers on eachtable, and freshers truly felt that they were a swanky, sophisticated student experiencing the height of what this great historic institution has to offer in real style.

[Theo Wheatley]

PREVIEW

S&FUN

STUFFALAN BATES, HYPNOTIST

CHEESY POP AT THE BEACH

Mysterious good times.

Let’s all admit it; the streets of Glasgow are getting chillier. The nights are drawing in and despite this Freshers’ Week’s reasonably decent weather, summer is well and truly done with. That does not, however, mean that the beach is not an option. I’m not talking about heading out to the likes of the west coast beaches for a bracing autumn swim and a campfire. No, I’m talking about getting decked out in your finest floral swim shorts, eye watering Hawaiian shirts, slickest of sunglasses and floppiest of flip flops; for tonight, dear freshers, QMU’s Friday night Cheesy Pop is going to the beach!

Now I can’t promise that you’ll be able to build sandcastles or light barbecues in Qudos this evening, and it’s unconfirmed as to whether the sea will be making an appearance, but then the real beach doesn’t have the most bangin’ tunes on campus, or such readily accessible cheap booze. T4 presenter and Radio DJ Georgie Okell will be hosting the evening’s fun, but she won’t be manning the decks alone, Cheesy’s own resident DJ Toast will also be spinning the classic hits to keep your grass skirts swirling and your leis (flowery Hawaiian garland things) flying all night long.

Also gracing the stage will be Maybe Gaga, the UK’s leading Lady Gaga tribute act. Let’s be honest, she’s probably pretty much the same as the real thing: she certainly looks the part anyway, and when the beach fever hits you can be fairly sure that you won’t notice the difference.

Cheesy is always the best place to be on a Friday, but between the bouncing beach balls, the bangin’ DJs, the sheer madness that accompanies the phrase ‘Lady Gaga tribute act’ and the sexy beach vibes you would be mad to miss it!

[Ali Begg]

Magical mystery man Alan Bates performs here at the QMU’s Freshers’ Week every year, and each time he arrives in a veil of mystery. Who knows who this man really is, and the true extent of his powers. His powers of hypnosis have made him famous, and with this great power comes great responsibility. But who can really be sure that he doesn’t abuse his powers for evil? Perhaps, like a malevolent mist he roams the dark streets, secretly manipulating those around him to fulfil his own evil ends.

This is only speculation, but what is for sure is that Alan puts on a great show of hypnotic majesty each year, and this year is bound to be no different. Alan is known worldwide for his powers, which he has been flexing for over 20 years. He even has his own TV show in Malta. For his legendary QMU Freshers’ Week show Alan will first hypnotise the audience as a whole. Then a select few are invited onto the stage to partake properly in some real hardcore hypnosis. In previous years freshers have been convinced that a giant bear with unnatural designs was waiting for them in the bathroom, or spilt their deepest secrets with misty eyed honesty. Don’t worry, Alan keeps the situation under control at all times, and is ready to step in if people get a little too personal. But he also makes sure it’s as hilarious as possible.

Don’t worry, if you don’t fancy having Alan work his magic on you personally you can just watch the fun in the audience. If you are particulary hoping to go on the stage it’s best not to get too drunk beforehand, as his powers don’t work on the intoxicated, apparently. The setting for this reality flipping madness will be Qudos, and the magic will commence at 7.30. To see it is to believe it, so free your mind and your ass will follow!

[Theo Wheatley]

Fridays are Cheesy Pop.

YOUR

HA

LLS WOLFSON

The final stop on our tour of GU halls.

As it is the last proper day of Freshers’ Week, today’s article is going to focus more on looking forward to your year ahead and how you can try to prevent yourself from joining the rest of us in the depths of student debt. Budgeting is always easier said than done and is so very easy to forget about when your student loan/SAAS payments come through. I know (all too well) that it’s tempting to go out on a spending spree, be it going out every night of the week or just treating yourself to something lavish, but always remember that money has to last ‘til your next instalment. That’s not to say you can’t spend your money on yourself/having a good time, but try to work these expenses into a budget.

Working out how much your basic costs (such as rent & weekly meals) will set you back gives you a good estimate on what you have left to play with for the rest of the month/semester. One way to save on spending is to share meals with flatmates; this way you can make good food while spreading the costs across a few people. If, perchance, you hate your flatmates this same logic can be applied to friends.

Even if you are not limiting yourself to exact amounts it is always useful to keep an estimate of how much essentials will cost you in the coming month(s) so you don’t need to join the rest of us down the bank begging for an extension to your overdrafts. There will always be unexpected costs or a reason to break budget but try and assess how necessary it is and don’t be afraid to ask for advice; there’s a huge chance that a hundred others have gone through the same. First year is a learning experience and if you do end up begging at the bank, don’t feel like you’ve failed; just try to improve your spending for next time.

Campaigns and Charities committee runs every Monday at 5 o’clock. We run free condoms & fundraising and welcome new ideas and involvement; we’re not as dull as this article.

[Robin Callaghan]

FRESHERS BUDGETINGRobin Callaghan gives you some cheat codes to surviving the year with your bank balance intact.

Welcome to Wolfson, the only catered halls of Glasgow University. Set inside the West of Scotland Science Park, Wolfson is fortunate to have a lot of decent views.

Wolfson’s communal areas are expansive, and are the best of the communal spaces of any Glasgow University halls of residence. They also get used a lot more as a result of the distance between Wolfson and campus, which means they are great places to meet people. Hardly anyone leaves Wolfson without becoming proficient at foosball and many a Queen Margaret Halls boy has been grannied by their more seasoned Wolfson counterparts in Champ’s Bar.

Wolfsoners tend to have a stronger sense of brotherhood; as they are not closed off into flats, just floors and buildings. They also eat together at every meal and you’d be surprised at how good some of the food is. The cooked breakfasts after a night out are truly something of a godsend for the hungover. These things lead residents to interact more, which means more opportunities to make long lasting and meaningful friends who will stay with you throughout your time at university.

If you get used to the SRC bus timetable you’ll be able to get around fairly easily, which will be especially important when classes begin. Sure it’s an annoying journey to take, but the SRC bus does evenings too, so you can get to Cheesy Pop no problem. Just make sure you go out with people who can share a taxi back with you!

Finally, be thankful of your ensuite, your facilities and try to get to the gym to avoid all that delicious food going to your waist.

[Tom Kelly]

CHEESY’S DJ TOASTIN

TERVIEW

SThe legendary founder of Cheesy Pop sits down for a chat with Ali Begg.You’ve been here from the deepest, darkest beginnings of Cheesy. Tell us a bit about how the night got started.

DJ Toast: We were doing a few different nights back then, lots of alternative music, Nirvana was a big thing and we just wanted something for people to get away from always going to heavy rock nights; we thought ‘let’s just do something silly’. I think we’d had a few beers at the meeting that day, it was just an idea to have some fun. It was originally called Snap Crackle and Pop, but everyone began calling it Cheesy Pop and it just stuck.

Cheesy is Scotland’s longest running student club night, why do you think it’s so popular?

I think because we’ve never gone away from trying to be fun. It’s easy when going down that route to become a bit crass or a bit crap. There’s a difference between a terrible wedding DJ playing bad music and someone playing retro music that’s fun, and not everybody gets that being fun or silly doesn’t have to mean being terrible, it can just be fun. You can have serious clubbing and that’s good, but I think a lot of people realise that there’s also scope in the world for just letting your hair down on a Friday night, having some beers and fooling around.

What other music are you listening to at the moment?

When I’m not at work I mostly listen to things that don’t remind me of being at work; classical music mostly, playing lots of Bach and stuff. I also love anything with guitars in it. I grew up listening to indie music and I started DJing with pretty heavy guitar music so I listen to quite a lot of that because it’s a bit different from what I play at work now as well.

Obviously Cheesy is a night about embracing musical guilty pleasures. What’s your opinion on ‘hipster culture’ and the selective musical taste that goes along with it?

We like to think of music as an artistic pursuit but actually it’s not, it’s a social pursuit for most of us really. It’s about finding ways to identify with the people around us, so I think if music has a particular slant, whether it’s a political one or an aesthetic one, it isn’t really about the art so much as it’s about going to bars where like minded people will all enjoy the same types of music. It’s a cultural thing and a social thing, so I think people tend to be suspicious of those outside their own little circle of reference. We fear things that are different from what we know and like, and I think hipsters are fun to lampoon in internet comic strips but I’m sure they have opinions of people outside their little sphere too. I think people identifying with one particular type of music miss out on a lot of good stuff, and that applies to cheesy music as well.

Finally, what do you like to eat on toast, if you do eat toast?

I do eat toast, not often. Em... Jam? Strawberry jam. I’m very partial to Fortnum and Mason’s jam; I have to bring it home every time I visit my folks.

[Ali Begg]

WE SAW YOUAt the QMU!

CHILLI CON CARNAGEMethod [Madness]:Your kitchen is a complete state. It looks like Lindsay Lohan’s had a birthday party in here and invited a sociopathic lion. You can barely see the floor for bottles and debris, and a passed out Freshers’ Helper is coming to in the corner. To ease your sense of shame, disgust and hangover you decide to, er, knock up some chilli. Couldn’t be easier, right?

You peer reluctantly through the broken door of your cupboard in search of those extra fine chopped tomatoes your well-meaning mother bought you. Along with all the rest, she’s given you enough food to survive three world wars and a zombie apocalypse. Which is why it’s so worrying that the juicy red bastards are nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, an empty vodka bottle near your feet reminds you of the most ill-advised Bloody Mary of your life last night. Classy.

What about the extra virgin olive oil that she insisted would ‘soften your onions’ in what was hopefully not a disgusting, euphemistic piece of parental sex advice? You remember this, at least, and it also explains your greasy door handles and extra slidey kitchen floor. The title of Flat Oil-Wrestling Champion certainly did seem important at the time. You have no idea who won.

Mince. One of the main sources of student nutrition, surely they can’t have taken that away from you? Ahh, now you remember. You threw it at that dude wearing a dinosaur costume. Wait; was it a dinosaur or a guy with a mohawk? In any case, the mince is gone and you never got to join that biker gang.

Tabasco should also be a staple in any student kitchen, concealing all sorts of rancid flavours. So where the hell is it? As you try to recall, a hazy memory emerges of that guy in the next room hammering on your door last night. He can’t find his eye drops and it’s an emergency. You haven’t fucking seen them. You send him off again; you need to sleep off this booze. He returns within five minutes, clutching your bottle of Tabasco and gleefully exclaiming that he has found the drops. Fuck it. You don’t think to correct him. Now that you come to think of it, you haven’t seen him today.

But hey, what’s that where the fire extinguisher’s supposed to be? YES, kidney beans! No one has ever been this excited about the little purple fucks. Now just to… oh, shit. You’ve forgotten to bring a tin opener. A quick search of the flat turns up nothing. After an hour of bashing/burning/biting/pleading with the tin you realise this metal bitch isn’t going to open.

The list ends with rice, which is not actually essential. This pisses you off, as it’s the only fucker on there that hasn’t met some gruesome demise. Boil a portion up and cover it with whatever sauces/seasonings survived the night. A decent beer is always the perfect companion to chili, but that’s long gone. Choke your rice down with the four-pack of urine-ish value cider that you bought for a laugh, and sit weeping at the memory of your mother’s Sunday roasts.

[Andy Mac and Ali Begg]

Ali Begg and Andy Mac get spicy.

CREDITSEditors Theo ‘The Power’ Wheatley, Tom Kelly, Andy Mac, Jake ‘Online Stuff’ Casson, Sean ‘Pretty Boy’ Iles, Ali ‘Def-initely Not A Hipster ‘ Begg, Emma Jewson

Writers Theo ‘The Power’ Wheatley, Tom Kelly, Andy Mac, Jake ‘Online Stuff’ Casson, Sean ‘Pretty Boy’ Iles, Ali ‘Def-initely Not A Hipster ‘ Begg, Robin ‘Glowsticks’ Callaghan

Driver/Delivery Boy/QMU HeroRyan ‘Wunderkind’ McFarlane

I SAW YOUIt’s time to say goodbye. We had great times seeing you.

We hope to see you again sometime soon. Don’t forget to read regular qmunicate, every three weeks in term time.

I saw you handbooks and wallplanners I saw you fresher Haley hugging Joss Whedon I saw you Amy Milligan absolutely wasted and whiteying all over Uni avenue I saw you twinge awareness becoming

a thing I saw you BL having a fucking smashing time at the headphone disco I saw you team tech changing your name to Team Samuel L Jackson I saw you Crumb fucking having an amazing time at freshers I saw you Claire yelling TAKE IT OFF at everyone I saw you Oliver Sharp with your tongue in

Harrys ear I saw you random SRC helper actually taking it off I saw you Anna Falconer getting thrown out I saw you rub-a-dub-dub don’t fuck with team pubs I saw you triple Narwhaling in the smoking

area, causing a commotion cause you are so awesome!! I saw you Lauren having sex with Spongebob I saw you Sean ‘slip of the tongue’ McFadden I saw you Grant wearing only green I saw you Sean, for the last time I saw you Alison doing the walk of shame I saw you karin and nathin, pulling on the balcony is naughty I saw you Bobby calling bitches sexy I saw you Swedish flat party <3 I saw you Scott buying us all drinks and dinner I saw you Chrises making changeover as inconvenient

as humanly possible I saw you Tom with a smile on your face I saw you Taylor spilling all of Tom’s magic I saw you headphone discoers being fucking boss I saw you Dave dancing to Madonna at the headphone disco with me while all the heteroes lumped for pendulum I saw you climbing out the

window last night Diometer I saw you Ryan being an awesome helper and friend

BRIAN BRISTLETWAT: ADVICE FOR DEAR YOUNG FRESHERS