F ind ing sus ta inab i l i t y i n mothe rhood

Faith, Hope & Love

Faith, Hope & LoveF ind ing sus ta inab i l i t y i n mothe rhood

photos & interviews by Brandy Kiger

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To all the wonderful women that I have

been blessed to call “Mom.”

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Contents

Preface 6

Carla 10

Seva 28

Kylie 42

MaryRose 58

Felicia 74

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PrefaceSpending the better part of my youth at my

grandmother’s house, who I was fortunate

enough to live next door to, I learned to cook

well, to sew, and to entertain. I was trained early

on, like many young girls in the South I would

presume, on how to be mother. I began learning

how to care for children when I was still a small

child myself, first practicing on babydolls and

stuffed animals and then moving to babysitting

when I was old enough to stay alone.

I spent nearly every weekend of my high school

career caring for other people’s children. And,

when I was at home, I would “mother” my own

sister and my friends, feeling like it was my job

to make sure they were well-taken care of. It

was second nature to me, and I welcomed the

task since there was never any doubt in my mind

that I would be a mother one day. I took every

opportunity to learn everything I could to make

sure that I would be the best mom possible.

When I moved away to college, I thought that I

would get married right away and start a family,

fulfilling the requisite goal of motherhood. But,

as I progressed through school, I found other

pursuits put that plan on hold. I discovered a

love for traveling, for exploring new places,

and for learning everything possible about

the world around me. I soon began to realize

that it would be difficult to have both a

dynamic lifestyle and a family of my own.

Now 25, I’m at an age where I get what my

dear friend Ken calls “the look” every time I see

a baby. I think they are precious and adorable,

but I’m not yet ready for that part of my life yet.

It’s too much of a commitment at this point.

But, I know I still have time, and so I choose to

follow career rather than family, and choose to

carry a camera bag rather than a diaper bag.

When I began this project, it was out of an

interest to see exactly what it takes to be a

mother, and what different women of different

cultures, ages and faiths rely on to get them

through the day. I wanted to get at the heart

of motherhood, and expected some answers

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like faith, hope and love to come more readily

than others. But, some of the anwers I did not

expect at all. I had not considered that work

would be a resource that some women would

rely on to cope with their children’s growing up,

nor did I expect to find such stories of heartache

and loss as I have found through this process.

What I found was that these women were

strong, and From multiples to single babies,

and from grown children to start-over babies,

each woman’ s story is different, yet beautiful.

The women featured here each graciously

allowed me into their lives, and gave me a

glimpse of what motherhood means to them.

Some I knew before I started the project,

others I found by happenstance: shopping at

the bookstore, answering an ad for housing,

and working as a tutor. But, regardless of our

relationship, each kindly welcomed me into their

home and allowed me to participate in their lives.

I attended their children’s birthday parties,

went to the doctor with them, sat through nights

at the hospital and joined them at the family

dinner table. I played with their children while they

prepared meals for their families, and rocked their

babies to sleep. And through it all, I found that

mothers can’t help but mother, regardless of who

the child (or young adult, in my case) belongs to.

In truth, I think it is that natural instinct to care

for others that sustains them all. As Carla says

in her interview, “When things got hard, I focused

on others whose lives were harder.” It is that

innate need to give of themselves and to provide

comfort to others that is the common thread,

and the reason that mothers are so important,

and so worthy of having their stories told.

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I didn’t expect to have this many kids. I

expected to have two kids, but I have five

children, five wonderful children. Tristan is 11,

Cade is 8, Isaiah is 4 and the twins, Jada and

Sophie, are eight months old. And I do believe

in birth control, I’m just not very good at it.

People ask me all the time “Are you Mormon?,”

“Are you Catholic?,” “Do you believe in birth

control?” The twins were a big surprise.

The kids, getting to have them, is the best

part of my life. It’s a wonderful feeling. Being

a mom is that connection that you have to

other people that you don’t just have with

anyone else. There’s that love that you have

the minute you see their sweet little faces.

I always wanted to be a mom, but I don’t

really know if I thought of how it would be

to be a mom. I had ideas of what I wanted

to do and how I wanted to do things and

the places that we would go, but I didn’t

have any idea what it would be like.

[Being a mom] means that I get to train and

equip my children for successful adulthood,

and I’m responsible for that. I’m responsible

for training and equipping them spiritually.

I hope that I can help them to grow up and

know what their gifts are and their talents are

and help them to go in the way they should

go as adults. So that they don’t maybe make

some of the mistakes that I made. Although I

know that mistakes aren’t the worst things in

the world because we all learn from mistakes.

I just hope that they can grow up to be

loving, kind, responsible adults who give. Who

aren’t takers, but givers. That’s what we work

Carla

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on with our kids because people are selfish

by nature. We have to learn how to share and

give and think of others before ourselves.

When things get hard I pretty much fall on my

face and cry out to the Lord. That’s how I do

it. I feel like I’m a strong person and I have the

ability to endure a lot. I would stop and think,

“Right now, what’s important? It’s important that

I get dinner ready and focus on what’s important

and kinda let go of the things that weren’t

important.“ I would have to do that for sure.

My hardest time as a mother was being a

single mother after my first husband [Frank] was

killed in a car wreck, and feeling responsible to

be the two people that kids need. I think that

kids really need two parents and I just felt like

I had twice the responsibility, the responsibility

to play the male role and the female role in their

life. We had been married six years, and had

dated for five before that. We dated all through

high school. I was a wreck. I probably should

have been on anti-depressants, but I wasn’t.

What sustained me was faith. Just having faith

in God, having faith that he’s good no matter

“ I wou ld s top and th in k , ‘ R igh t now, what ’ s impor tant? ’ ”

what the circumstances. Having faith that He

is in control of my life and just knowing that I

could do it, and knowing that there are people

in this world who have far harder circumstances

than I ever did. When I would feel sorry for

myself I would think of others or try to give to

others that had harder situations than I had.

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Seva

My name is Seva Encheva. I am 51, but always

I would like to introduce myself that I am 41

because it sounds better. I am from Bulgaria, and

my nationality is Turkish. I was born in Bulgaria

and grew up there. I have two daughters, Emel,

she is 29 years old, and Elif is 22. Both of them are

college students, and the older one she graduated

just four months ago in December 2009. The

younger one, she’s going to graduate in May 2010.

They have to continue their education in different

states. But I am happy that I am helping them out.

I moved from my country to United States

because my older one when she graduated high

school she took the TOEFL exam. She wanted to

get an education in the USA. She took this exam,

and was successful and she moved after high

school. The first year we were able to support her,

but especially for a foreign student it costs a lot

of money. So we moved here to help her out.

I am happy that they are graduating, because the

main reason for me to move to the United States

was to get them a better education. I moved,

even though in my country I had such a good life.

I had a business, I had everything I needed and I

was established when I was 44 years old. I was

44 when I moved to the United States., and the

main reason was to get them better education. It

makes me happy as their mother that I am able

to help them out and that they are graduating.

I am happy for that. But at the same time I am

not so happy that they are going to go away.

I am a certified nurse’s assistant at St. Patrick

Hospital and an in-home companion. I keep myself

maximum business. I am working six days of the

week. Because I have this quality that I love people

helps me keep myself busy and enjoy what I am

doing for now. I am close to my patients and to

the people around me. It’s my personality. I love

people so much, and I enjoy what I am doing.

With my mother, I had such a good relationship.

Unfortunately she was so busy, a lady, and didn’t

have that much time to deal with us, because

she worked in another place. We were with our

grandparents for a while, and after that we got

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used to being by ourselves. We did what we were

supposed to do, like going to school or taking care

of daily needs. We had a good relationship, but

unfortunately she was so busy, she didn’t have

that much time to give to us. That I missed a lot.

I like being over my family, gathering them,

being with them and I want to protect them from

everything, like most mothers do. I want them

to be happy, to find the right person for them, to

have a family and to some day be a grandmother.

I have such a good relationship with my

daughters; that’s why I miss them a lot. Especially

the older one, because she moved away. Still

I have the younger one. Everyday they are so

cheerful, happy girls. They try to find ways to

fix the empty place in my heart. When I come

home from work, they say “Let’s go mom, let’s

go to YMCA,” or “Let’s go hiking,” or “Let’s go

out for sushi,” or something else. They are so

cheerful and so helpful. We have such a good

relationship, like friends, not like mother and

daughters. Usually mothers try to keep their

control all the time. I give them freedom to

decide what they are doing. To choose right

way for them, what is the best for them. If they

want my opinion I am always open for that.

“ We have such a good re la t ionsh ip, l i ke f r iends, not l i ke mothe r and daughte r s. ”

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It’s so hard for immigrants; it’s different

than normal Americans. In our culture, we

are used to being together. We live with

our parents, grandparents, grandkids, all

in one house, but different rooms. We are

so close, and so helpful to each other.

In America, most kids after they are 17 or 18

years old, they are so independent. They don’t

make good decisions. Maybe that’s why they

make a lot of mistakes. I was surprised when I

first moved here that people in their 40s and 50s

start education and go to school. Because for

some reason they got married at an early age or

they have four kids, five kids and weren’t able to

study or go to college and they were supposed

to take care of their family, that’s the main

reason to not go to school or take education.

It’s opposite in our culture. Parents are so helpful

and they try to give education to their children in

early age, most of them when they are 26, 27, or

28 they are done with school and start normal life.

I am so happy that I am together with my family,

and all of us because they are so valuable to

me. I have a cheerful husband and nice kids

to help me to go on [when things are hard].

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Kylie

I have two children, their names are Asher

David Barnes, and he’s 3.5 and I have a daughter,

Cora Barnes, and she is almost 11 months.

A typical day for me as a mom would look

like, getting up at around 9. Nine o’ clock is

usually when they wake up. We snuggle and

hang out and watch a little something on PBS

and then we make beds and get dressed

and head downstairs and have breakfast.

Each day is so different after that, it just depends

on what we have on the agenda. Sometimes its

playgroup, sometimes it’s the park, sometimes it’s

a dance class, sometimes its errands, sometimes

we go to a bible study or hang out with friends. It’s

so different, it varies every day, and that’s one of

the things that I try to do is make things different

every day because I think its more fun for the kids.

My husband gets home around six, and we

have a family dinner every night except for when

we go to someone else’s house for dinner. or on

Wednesday when he’s working and we go to a

church. But every other night, we have family

dinner. We hang out as a family and do lots of night

time activities too. We do bedtime around 9:30 or

10:00, depending on how much fun we’re having.

I nannied a lot in college; the Hartzell’s they

had six children and they lived next door, and

I lived and breathed being with families, it was

what I loved to do. I would hang out and go on

vacations with them and help with their children.

People said that I would be the most un-paranoid

first time parent because I had been around kids

so much and it’s really true. I think being around

that so much, and then my background working

at a home for teen moms for seven years before

I had kids, really helped give me a really good

perspective of what parenting would be like and

what it would be like. I was prepared for it.

My favorite thing about being a mom is, in

the most simplest form, the hugs and the “I

love you’s.” Asher will tell me that I’m the best

mommy in the whole world. Just those sweet

little moments of connecting with him. And even

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Cora, she’s starting to see me and reach in for

a kiss, and she’ll put her head down to snuggle.

Just that affection, right now. Who knows as they

get older if something will change? The most

simplest form right now, though, would be that

connection with them and the “I love you’s.”

Family dinners are really important to me because

I grew up with that. It was something that we did

as a family. I knew that every night I would sit down

with my mom, my dad, and my brother. My mom is

a great cook and she totally passed that down to

me and I love to cook and my kids and my husband

love what I cook. But more than anything, I love just

having that time to connect and to sit down and be

together and enjoy food and talk about our days or

tell stories. It’s just central to our family purpose.

We just know that we have that time every single

night to connect, so it’s really important to me.

I live in Missoula still, with my mom, and

the relationship that I have with her is always

changing. My mom lets me parent the way

that I parent. There are probably things that I

do that she doesn’t like or that I do differently

than she does, but she lets me do it my way.

“ I love ju s t hav ing that t ime to connect and to s i t down and be togethe r and en joy food and ta l k about ou r days

o r te l l s to r ies. ”

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I hope my kids will get from me as their mother

is an ultimate knowing of unconditional love.

That they can make mistakes, that they can live

differently than maybe I would want them to live

or make poor choices or make good choices or

blow it with friendships or blow it in dating, or blow

it playing sports or being awesome at sports.

Whatever they do, there is an unconditional

love that no matter how great or how weak or

how maybe bad or naughty that they act or

how awesome they can be, that there’s that

unconditional love. That no matter what they do,

its not based on works, its not based on if they

do it the way that I would want them to do it, but

that no matter what they do, that they’re loved,

it’s okay to make mistakes and its okay to learn

in life. [I just want them to know] that their mom

and their dad just ultimately love them no matter

what. That would be the thing I hope they know.

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MaryRose

I grew up with my mom working two jobs to

support us five kids. My dad was around, but

was doing his own thing. I was his little girl

and had him on a pedestal. I got whatever I

wanted from my dad, and being the youngest,

my brothers were good to me, too. But,

my mom was the provider, the disciplinary,

and the warm arms I curled into at night.

I thought when I had my kids things were

going to be different. I thought I would have

a perfect little life with the white picket fence

and all; that is what I envisioned anyways. My

ex promised me that he was going to build a

castle around me, and we were going to have

it all. But, life took a different turn; he got into

some trouble and was taken away. I tried hard

to stand beside him and did for about 13 years.

Then I lost my dad and a brother to cancer. I

let grief spin my life out of control, and one

day decided life was to short to be waiting

for empty promises. I had told myself at the

time that I was standing beside him for my

boys, because having a dad in their life, even

from afar, was better than no dad at all.

I met Ed, Carla’s dad, and we instantly fell for

each other. By this time, my boys were 13 and 11

years old and their dad was nowhere near coming

home. Getting pregnant with Carla I believe saved

my life from spinning too far out of control.

Being a mom to a baby girl is a new experience.

Raising a girl is different than raising a boy. She is

more stubborn, and so sweet at the same time.

She is a charmer and already at such a young age

knows how to give you those eyes to get her way.

My oldest boy Shadow had a way of doing that.

My younger son, Stormy is so good with her, and

is so helpful with her. He plays with her and can

pull her out of a bad mood; he has her laughing in

no time and she forgets what she is mad about.

With my two boys, I was a single mom. My mom

helped me out quite a bit with them, while I worked.

This time around I have Ed’s help with Carla, but

it is still a struggle sometimes to find the balance

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between a split family, having a partner and being

a new mom. I was always used to doing everything

on my own and my way, so even though it has

been almost five years [since Ed came into my life],

I struggle with finding that balance and keeping it. I

went a long time doing everything on my own and

not worrying about anyone but my kids and myself.

My kids are not perfect, but they are mine. They

don’t get into trouble, and they are respectful

gentlemen. I think I did good, and I can only keep

working to make things right for them all. I wanted

to be that super mom that attended all their

school functions, helped them with homework,

cooked for them every night, and read to them

before they went to bed, and I have for the most

part, just my house doesn’t look like the perfect

family’s home. I have made housework the

bottom of my list and my kids needs the top.

Seeing my kid’s happy faces at the end of the

day sustains me. I have three beautiful children:

My oldest is Shadow, he just turned 18, my

other son, Stormy just turned 16 and my baby

girl just turned 3 last month. [I love] watching

them grow into gentleman, and a little lady, and

knowing we are close and would do anything

for each other. Having my family together and

“ See ing my k id ’ s happy faces at the end o f the

day sus ta ins me. ”

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safe is what keeps me going. Keeping my family,

immediate and extended, close keeps me going.

I believe my culture has influenced me in many

ways. In our ways, you never turn your back

on anyone needing help. Our door is open to

everyone, not just family. We respect our elders,

children, and always lend a hand. I believe I have

tried to instill this into my kids. I try to take my

kids to cultural events. They have been around the

elders and been influenced by them as well. They

have learned to sit there and take an ear beating

and learn from the lesson at hand. I had a great

compliment on Facebook not too long ago, when

someone said they appreciated my boy helping

out at the wake (funeral) and that he was very

respectful. That just made me beam, because

hearing that, I know they have listened somewhere

along the way, that they have learned something

I pray that my kids have learned to be

respectful, kind, and hard workers.

I hope they have learned to love life, love

the mountains as much as I do, and to laugh

at themselves and life. I want them to learn

to love people and life to the fullest and love

themselves just as much, and to be proud of

who they are and where they came from

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Felicia

I am originally from Ghana. I came here

initially for schooling and I started raising a

family here. I have two kids, who are five and

four. They’re names are Aaron and Arnie.

My favorite part about being a mom is just being

responsible for another life and looking at that life

growing up. Looking at them sometimes when

they sleep, even though sometimes it’s hard, you

see that you’re doing a good job. If you’re doing

a good job, you know it. That’s my favorite part.

Just looking at them sleeping and learning to talk.

Every part of raising kids is interesting.

You see your kid learning how to talk, and

saying things funny. Then at a point in time

they’ll say to you, “You’re not saying it right,”

and at some point they try to become the

teachers. It’s so interesting to watch that.

Sometimes [I find it hard to be a student and

a mom], but I think it depends on how you set

your priorities. There are so many priorities in this

world, and if you’re a student and a mom, not just

a mother of one, but of two, you just can’t achieve

everything at the same time. Sometimes you learn

to let go of so many things, and you learn to be

content of whatever you can get. In addition to

that, you have to sacrifice lots of your social life for

that. I don’t have a real social life, but you know

it’s not going to be forever. It’s going to be for two

years, or three years. I’ve learned to sacrifice my

social life. So my social life is my school, my kids.

I think the way I raise my kids is influenced

by the way I was raised. I was raised in a

culture that used to accept punitive measures,

like canes and things. I was caned in school,

but my family never did that to me.

When I was growing up, I never hid anything

from my mom. Whatever I did outside, even if

I had killed someone, I knew that when I came

home, my mom would accept me no matter what.

And that’s how I’m raising my kids: I’m their first

confidant, before any friends, before anyone

outside. I’m letting them no matter what, [even if]

what you did was wrong, I accept you. So that’s

how I’m raising my kids. You tell me and mommy

will accept you. If you don’t want to go to school

today, that’s fine, but tell me why, and be ready to

take the consequences. But, you know you have

my love 100 percent. Just tell me everything.

With my kids, I think the hardest part is when

they go to preschool and school. They make them

sleep from 1 to maybe 3. So when you’ve gone

to school and you’ve gone to work and you come

home and want to put them to bed, sometimes

you can’t get your kid to go to bed at 10 because

he’s been sleeping at school. So, sometimes they

would like to go to bed at 12, and you can’t get

them to settle down because they aren’t tired.

That’s one aspect that I struggle with a lot, and

making them go to sleep, which is very hard,

because I study mostly in the night. So I would

like them to go to sleep so I can also have some

rest and wake up and study and be able to wake

up in the morning and get them ready for school.

Before I came into this country, I used to

be a Jehovah’s Witness, but after coming

into this country and studying and going on

with my degrees and learning about how the

Bible is used to manipulate a lot of things,

I reexamined my belief in Christianity.

“ Bu t, you know you have my love 100 percent. J u s t

te l l me eve r y th ing. ”

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I believe in God, obviously, I can never say I

don’t believe in God, but I reexamined my view

of Christianity, which changed the way I value

people. My values changed. Now when I’m

asking somebody something, I ask them what

are your values? Values mean a lot more to me

right now than Christianity. Before then I used

to believe in Christianity, I believe in God, but

through the Christian way of believing in God,

through prayers and whatever that is, those

things sustained me, and reading the Bible.

But after my second master’s in all those things

I dropped the Bible and don’t remember the last

time I [read it]. I have an inner strength that keeps

me going. I don’t know where I got that from,

maybe my mom, but I never know how to stop.

When I set a goal for my self, until I meet that goal,

I never stop, and that’s how I’m raising my kids.

They still want me to take them to church. They

call me at work every Sunday and say, “Are we

not going to church, Mom?” and it’s so hard

to tell little boys that we’re not going to church

anymore because mommy doesn’t believe really

in church-ism (that’s what I call it) anymore.

I’m trying to encode hard work in them: that if you

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believe in something, you just have to get it done.

So, I think that’s what is moving me. Once I believe

in something I think that I should get it done.

It takes determination to be a mom. You have

to determine that you are ready for it. If you’re a

mom you have to be responsible for the life you’ve

brought into this world. I think that’s what being

a mom looks like. You have to be responsible for

everything about the kids you brought into the

world. Raising kids involves a lot, it’s everything

you are doing, not just giving them food or

clothing, it involves even their spiritual life.

I don’t see being a mom as something

that should keep women from advancing; it

just takes sacrifices. I don’t see it keeping

me from doing what I want to do.

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