failing and fainting

7/28/2019 Failing and Fainting

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Failing and

Fainting

Prologue

24th September

Netherfield had remarkable ceilings. Mr. Darcy was quitepositive on the subject, since he had spent two days watching

them. The gentleman had no obsession with ceilings in general,

nor was he usually disposed to such idle occupations. However,

since he had entered Netherfield again, his mind and body

refused to do anything other than stare at the voidand think of

Elizabeth Bennet. So much so, that even Mr. Bingley, who

usually was much idler than he, began to wonder and complain.

Should we not go for hunting, my friend? Charles asked a

little impatiently on the second day. Mr. Darcys stare only

slightly moved from the ceiling of the dining room.

Do you feel like hunting?

No, Charles answered promptly, but that is why we came

here, is it not? We should, you know, just go and do it.

Should we do something we are not inclined to only because


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we used it as an excuse to come here?

An excuse? Darcy, I have no idea what you are talking about.

You were so enthusiastic about the hunting season. You praised

the woods of Hertfordshire so much

I was talking toyour sister, Charles! I was trying to be

convincing.

You were trying to deceive her? Bingley was dumbfounded.

I thought you abhorred disguise and deceit.

I did I do But I am still very good at it.

Bingley gave up trying to decipher his friends enigmatic

responses. So, if we did not come for hunting, why did we

come here?

Darcy finally looked him directly in the eye and smiled. Do

you really not know, Bingley? Toyou, are Hertfordshires

woods the most delightful sight in the area?

Well, hmm, I.er I supposeYes.

I saidIam good at deceit, notyou. You are quite despairing at

it.

All right, then, I admit that I am not averse at the prospect of

seeing Miss Bennet again. I know what you said about her

feelings, Darce, but

What was it that I said about her feelings?

That she is not in love with me, as I am with her. Upon

realizing what he said, he quickly added, while he blushed

furiously, I meant, I was.

Were you or are you?


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Oh, Darcy, what does it matter? Miss Bennet is not likely to

have fallen in love with me during my absence.

Quite true. But I may have been wrong, you know. Darcy was

not in the mood to make a full confession. That would take quitea long time and would jeopardize his stay at Netherfield. He

could not leave Hertfordshire before he had seen Elizabeth,

loyalty to his friend be damned!

Wrong? But you Bingleys face suddenly turned pale.

I am human. I make mistakes, my friend. Quite dreadful at

times, too. However, even if I was not wrong, and you are inlove with Miss Bennet, why not try to win her heart?

I beg your pardon? But, last winter you said

Forget what I said last winter. My judgment was not at its best

then. Thinking a little more, he added, Bear that in mind, for

future reference.

So, what are we going to do? Bingley said, genuinely excited.

What do you want to do?

Visit the Bennets.

Do you see now why I have spent so much time looking at

your ceilings?

What have the ceilings to do with the Bennets? Let us go,

now!

We only arrived in the area yesterday, Charles. We cannot

slight everyone else and visit them today. Our intentionsyour

intentions, I mean, he corrected hastily, may be entirely

honorable, but arising rumors is always unpleasant, both for us

and the ladies.


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Ladies?

Lady, Charles, lady.

May we go tomorrow then?

Bingley, propriety demands that Darcy began, but then

Elizabeths image came before his eyes. He recalled their last

meeting when she was teary, so sad and vulnerable. He

remembered the moment he touched her hand, back at the Inn of

Lambton and what irrational joy he felt, despite the overall

distress.

Hang propriety!

Yes, Charles, tomorrow will be a fine day to go.

Just as he said those words, the skies opened and a fierce rain

started.

~)~)~)~(~(~(~

Wednesday, 24th September 1812

It has been a bad day! According to my Aunt Phillips reports,

Mr. Bingley returned at Netherfield yesterday. Mama and Papa

are arguing whenever they happen upon each other in the

house. Fortunately, thanks to my fathers conniving, they meet

only at dinner, and we all try to eat as quickly as possible!

Poor Jane! This is hard for her. Though, to be honest, I think

that she had a rather hopeful look on her face when Mother

pleaded to Father for the upteempth time to visit Mr. Bingley

now that he has returned. Yes, Jane still loves him, she cant

fool me.

It is sad, though, to watch my sister trying to hide her truefeelings from me. We used to share everything that was in our


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hearts, but I cannot be so presumptuous as to complain, since

for a very long time, I have been hiding my desires from dearest

Jane. And I am proud to saywith much more success! No one

in the house would ever suspect that my disturbingly frequent

dreamy looks stem from my imagining myself being at

Pemberley as Mr. Darcys wife.

I was in the middle of such a rewarding reverie today when my

mother stormed into the drawing room, announcing that she had

it on the best authority that Sir William Lucas had every

intention of visiting Mr. Bingley. Unable to bear another recital

of the reasons why my father should call upon Mr. Bingley

which only served to make me think of Mr. Darcy even more, Iran out of the house, hoping that I would find peace in the

serenity of our park.

To own the truth, I did not find it because recollections of my

time at Pemberley intruded, followed, unfortunately, by the

memory of the last time I saw him at the Inn in Lambton. His

eyes were so serious, so cold, and foolishly, only then did I

realize that I wanted his eyes on me with warmth and tendernessfor the rest of my life.

Dearest diary, I am afraid my condition is serious. I am trying

to narrate what happened to me this morning, and all I do is

talk about Mr. Darcy. How do I manage to associate everything

that happens in relation to him? If I thought that the situation

was bad when we returned from Lambton, what am I to say

now? After receiving my aunts letter of explanationwhich,quite by chance, is right here on the tablehardly an hour

passes without my thinking of him. But no more delays. I will

say only what happened, without any more references to Mr.

Darcy. I will try to eliminate them, at least. I shall conquer this!

I walked in the park, rather more absent-mindedly than usual,

and I did not notice that I had made quite a distance until I felt

the first drops of the rain. I should have tried to find refugesomewhere in the park. That is what my normal, practical self


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would have done. However, I am afraid that Ann Radcliffs

influences on me chose to make their presence known. I vow I

have not touched any novel of hers since I was fourteen; still, I

felt an incomprehensible urgency to walk my way back home in

the rain, thus washing my sins and liberating my soul. I still can

not explain what possessed me, but I remember that at the

moment, it seemed very poetic, the kind of thing any heroine

would do. As you can see, I behaved worse than a little girl.

When I reached the house, completely soaked, water dripping

from every part of my clothing, I had changed my mind about

what was romantic, but it was too late by then. The storm was

getting worse and worse outside, and I prayed with all my heartthat my absence had passed unnoticed. As I stood at the base of

the stairs, uncertain of what to do, Hill appeared and saved me.

She informed me that my mother had suddenly felt indisposed

after a private conversation with my father (at least I was

spared that!) and that Jane had been attending her, while my

father had retired to his study. Even though my mother had

asked for me, she had not insisted, so all I had to do was

formulate a good excuse.

I was too numb to invent a good excuse, but I was able to devise

a believable one. After Sarah helped me to change clothes, I ran

like a thief into Marys room, grabbed the first book I found and

ran to my mother to apologize profusely that I was so absorbed

in my reading that I misunderstood Hill when she came to

summon me.

My mother scolded me only for a few minutes, and I thought I

had a narrow escape, but I am afraid that is not the case. Right

now I have a headache, and I feel very cold, although everyone

declares it to be a warm evening. My throat feels as if hundreds

of pins are attacking it, and my body is not really under my

command.

I hate being sick. I will not fall sick.


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I will retire to my bed now, as my shivers are worsening. I will

sleep, and everything will be well in the morning. I might even

not dream of Mr. Darcy. I might even not think of Mr. Darcy.

Yes, tomorrow I will have a day free from thoughts of Mr.

Darcy. (Oh dear, how many times have I mentioned his name?)

I just looked at the book I took from Marys roomthe one that

supposedly had me so absorbed this morning. It is Ann

Radcliffs A Sicilian Romance.

It serves me right.

~)~)~)~(~(~(~

Failing and

Fainting

Part 1

25th SeptemberElizabeth shifted in her chair uneasily, blinking in yet anotherdesperate attempt to make something of the needlework that was


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lying in her lap. She couldnt believe the irony of her situation.

Just before going to sleep the previous night, she had promised

herself not to think of Mr. Darcy today yet Mr. Darcy was now

sitting not ten feet from her.

She might have been overjoyed and more amenable to him if her

mind had been working properly, but the truth was that a good

nights sleep had done nothing to erase the symptoms that had

rendered her worried the previous evening. Her headache was

worse than ever, and she could do nothing to warm herself. She

did not want to be ill. That was the reason she had not stayed in

bed and pretended to ignore Sarahs doubtful looks when the

maid inquired if she felt quite all right.

The truth was that Elizabeth felt ill, very ill. She could hardly

walk, and a paralyzing pain soon spread over her every joint.

Her hands were frozen, while her face felt ever so hot. She

decided to accept the fact and retire to her room where she could

indulge in self-pity, but then Mrs. Bennet spotted Mr. Bingley

from the window. Elizabeth sat up, still determined to leave,

although her concern for Jane was already giving her pangs ofguilt, but as she moved close to her mother to inform her of her

intentions and bear her wrath, she saw Mr. Darcy riding next to

Mr. Bingley. She returned to her seat without uttering another

word.

When she witnessed her mothers civility towards Mr. Bingley

and rudeness towards Mr. Darcy, she started questioning the

wisdom of her decision. By the time Mrs. Bennet started talkingabout Lydias wedding, Elizabeth had grown completely

miserable. She tried not to listen to her mothers words when

she lamented Wickhams lack of fortune, but her traitorous ears

caught the bitter remarks.

Thank heaven! He has some friends, though perhaps not so

many as he deserves.

Change the subject, change the subject! Elizabeths mind was


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screaming, but she could not summon the strength to do it. Cold

sweat ran down her cheeks, and she felt her limbs growing

weaker and weaker. She could not concentrate on her work. The

mere sight of needles rather deteriorated her dizziness. Another

effort to resume her needlework only succeeded in wounding

her thumb. The pain was trifling, but it added to her discomfort.

Was it possible that the room was getting darker and darker?

She lifted her eyes, scarcely allowing herself to steal a quick

glimpse of Mr. Darcy, whose face was still solemn and

expressionless.

How long do youdo you Every pair of eyes in the room

turned towards her, and even Mr. Darcy seemed surprised by herstammering and faint voice. Good, make yourself even more

ridiculous in his eyes, Elizabeth Bennet!

How long do you plan to stay at Netherfield, Mr. Bingley?

Elizabeth finally asked, with a steady voice.

At least no one is paying attention to me any longer, she sighed

with relief, as everyone focused on Bingley and awaited hisanswer.

A few weeks, I believe.

Elizabeth wanted to see his friends reaction to the statement,

but suddenly her head felt too heavy for her to move in any

direction. The room grew even darker. She prayed that she could

manage to remain in company until the end of the visit.

When you have killed all your own birds, Mr. Bingley, I beg

you will come here, and shoot as many as you please on Mr.

Bennets manor. I am sure he will be vastly happy to oblige you

and will save all the best of the covies for you.

Stop her, someone stop her!

But no one could stop her mother, and Elizabeth had long


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reconciled herself to the fact. Still, she did not want this torture

to continue any longer. She reminded herself that as a

gentlemans daughter, she should cling to propriety and

patiently wait for the gentlemen to take their leave. Oh, but she

wanted her bedher soft, wonderful bed to lie in and sleep and

get rest Her head was ready to burst.

Hang propriety!

I beg you to excuse me, she said, rising abruptly, and before

taking notice of the shocked expressions on every face as she

attempted to leave the room, everything went black.

~)~)~)~(~(~(~

Darcy ran instinctively to her, even before Jane, who needed a

moment to recover from the shock. Mrs. Bennet instantly went

into hysterics, because this event went against her plans of

inviting Mr. Bingley for dinner rather than from any real

concern for her daughtergirls constantly faint, after all! Kittyattended her mother while Mary went near to her fainted sister

and watched with curiosity as Mr. Darcy and Jane tried to bring

her back to consciousness. Mr. Bingley had retracted to the wall

at the opposite side of the room, wearing a rather horrified

expression on his suddenly pale face.

Miss Elizabeth, open your eyes. Please open your eyes,

Elizabeth, Mr. Darcy was heard pleading, but the use ofElizabeths Christian name went unnoticed by anyone but Jane.

She was too preoccupied to give it a second thought.

She is feverish, Jane declared, becoming more and more

worried.

Elizabeth, please open your eyes. Please.

She is doing it on purpose. She is doing it on purpose, Mrs.


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Bennet said, to ruin everything!

Mrs. Bennet, are you serious? Darcys tone would have

intimidated an intelligent person, but had no effect at all on

Elizabeths mother. Have you no heart at all? Your daughterlies unconscious!

And why shouldyou care, Mr. Darcy? You were the one who

said she was only tolerable. Why should you care if she dies or

not?

Darcy was ready to form an answer that would do nothing to

improve his relationships with the awful mother whenElizabeths meek voice was heard. Mama

Immediately Darcys eyes locked with hers, showing nothing

but the utmost tenderness. He wanted to speak, but he didnt

trust himself to use his voice. His relief was so great, and the

fear of losing her had made him so much more aware of his

feelings for her that he doubted he would not propose there and

then, if he were to open his mouth.

We should move her to sit on the couch, Mary said with a

look that showed how well-read she was on the subject. She

will recover more quickly that way.

Elizabeth wanted to tell them that she felt just fine lying on the

floor with Mr. Darcy hovering over her, but she decided against

it, as he lifted her in his arms and carried her to the couch.

Unfortunately, as soon as she sat, she felt all the blood draining

from her head again, and she soon surrendered to the blackness.

Darcy cried, A doctor!

No one moved. He examined the room, and upon observing

Bingley and his horrified expression, he shouted, What the

devil are you doing against the wall, Bingley?


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Bingley answered something, but it was unintelligible.

Bingley, come here and repeat that again. Louder, please! His

tone was so commanding that even Mrs. Bennet was impressed.

His friend finally obeyed him, and getting closer, he stammered

almost inaudibly, Shshe is blbleeding.

Darcys eyes were instantly upon Elizabeth form, mad with

worry, but he could detect no blood.

There, on the right thumb. Blood makes me dizzy. I want to

leave.

Darcy would have said something very offensive to his friend,

after realizing that he was making all that fuss over a mere

scratch, but he decided against it, as he saw Jane standing a few

yards away. Although she seemed very absorbed with concern

for Elizabeth, he was certain she was trying to listen to them,

but judging from her expression, she had not heard anything.

Bingley, please go and bring a doctor. You would help a great

deal if you did.

Mr. Bingley is not going anywhere! Mrs. Bennet shouted,

irritated that Mr. Darcy was taking his friend away from them.

No, no, he goes, Bingley said hastily. I mean, I go. I would

be pleased to go, to be of service. And before Mrs. Bennet

could ask one of the servants to go instead of him, he was out ofthe door, heaving a huge sigh of relief. Staying behind, Jane

decided to attribute his sudden departure to gallantry and be

pleasedagainst her better judgment.

In the meantime, Elizabeth had opened her eyes again, and

Darcy was paying her his undivided attention. Jane left her side

and was trying to calm her mother, as Kitty could not handle her

on her own.


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Miss Elizabeth, do you feel any better?

I feel a little dizzy, Mr. Darcy. What happened? You seem to

have fainted. Twice. And you are feverish. And I waswe

were, he corrected, very concerned. Mr. Bingley has gone tofetch the doctor.

There is no need. I am quite well, Elizabeth answered,

although she thought the whole room was swirling around her,

and she was very tempted to close her eyes again.

Miss Elizabeth, look at me! I mean, please keep your eyes

open. Do not give in

She simply nodded, wishing she could get back her ability to

think clearly and decide if he actually was as concerned as he

seemed to her.

Miss Elizabeth, clearly, you are not well, he continued. What

may I do to help you? Please, tell me to do

somethinganything to be the means of assisting you. Please,he whispered into her ear.

Despite everything, he could not help relishing the intimacy of

their closeness, and for one moment, he was grateful to Mrs.

Bennet who created a great deal of fuss at the other corner of the

room, allowing him some moments of privacy with Elizabeth.

If Elizabeth were well, she would not have said what she did.

But she was not wellnot well at all.

I I felt better when I was lying down.

Darcy was not certain if he had heard well.

On the floor?

Yes, she whispered.


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You want me to put you back to the floor? He was not sure he

wanted to witness Mrs. Bennets reaction if he did something of

the kind.

No I would like to lieanywhere. Darcy swallowed hardand reminded himself that Elizabeths words were innocent.

Innocent. Innocent. Unfortunately, his thoughts were far from

innocent at the moment. Think, Darcy, think!

Then I will take you to your room, Miss Elizabeth.

No, sir My maid could help me

You cannot walk at all. Your maid cannot carry you, he said

very decidedly.

A servant could

No servant will take you to his arms as long as I live, Elizabeth.

Miss Elizabeth, I insist. With that, he lifted her in his arms

and walked towards the stairs.

It was at that moment that Mrs. Bennet decided to turn around.

Where do you think you are going with my daughter in your

arms, sir?

Not her again! I was offensive at Hunsford, Elizabeth, and

arrogant and conceited, but regarding your mother, I was right!

To her room. She needs restAway from you.

He took a few more steps.

No, sir, you cannot! You have no right to put your hands upon

her!

Mama, please. Janes voice was pleading, although she was as


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astonished at Mr. Darcys impropriety as her mother. However,

she believed his concern for Elizabeths welfare was genuine,

and since Elizabeth was not opposed to the idea, she could see

no reason to deprive him of the pleasure of being of help.

No, Jane, do not try to stop me. You, sir, may not compromise

my girl just because you are tall and handsome and have ten

thousand a year. These liberties are acceptable only between

husband and

Mr. Darcy turned and cast Mrs. Bennet a venomous look and

then disappeared upstairs carrying Elizabeth, but that was not

why Mrs. Bennet suddenly gasped and covered her mouth withher hand. She had simply recalled two of the words she had

used: compromise and husband.

Hill! she cried, ignoring Janes pleas to calm down. Tell Mr.

Bennet to come here at once. He must make Mr. Darcy marry

Lizzy immediately! She clapped her hands and then embraced

Jane, who had turned white and Kitty, who was giggling.

A ladys honor Mary began.

With a special license, of course! Mrs. Bennet cut her short.

~)~)~)~(~(~(~

The faces of the four occupants of the drawing room later that

day betrayed very different moods. Mr. Bingley wondered howmuch he had managed to humiliate himself in the eyes of Jane

Bennet with his ridiculous fears that morning. Mr. Bennet was

simply worried about what the apothecary would find wrong

with his favorite child. Mrs. Bennet had an expression that could

have easily been called sullen, but actually, it was conniving, for

though her husband refused to even consider her ranting until he

was certain that their daughter was out of danger, she was by no

means discouraged. Mr. Darcy appeared to be staring at the


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carpet very intensely, but in truth, he was meditating of the very

great pleasure Elizabeths imagine lying on her bed could

bestow. His mind took another path, transferring her

breathtaking form to his own bed at Pemberley. These were not

gentlemanlike thoughts at all, and he was acutely aware of the

fact. Still, after touching her so intimately, after pressing her

whole body against his as he carried her to her room, he was

rendered incapable of having gentlemanlike thoughts.

The more he thought about it, the more he realized that he had

indeed compromised Elizabeth. At the time, he thought he was

doing nothing more than what was necessary for his beloveds

safety. Still, if he could judge by the desires awakened in him,he had not done the right thing. Mrs. Bennet had been correct

much more so than he had been. He shuddered at the thought

and heard Mrs. Bennet ask a servant to add a log to the fire

Had she been watching him?

Not that the prospect of marrying Elizabeth was a displeasing

one. In fact, it would be the fulfillment of dreams, hopes and

wishes that had haunted him for the past year. Still, to be forcedto marry her would simply not do No, that was not the worst.

The worst would be to have her accept him simply because she

was compelled to do so. In all his fantasies, she forgave him,

and she fell as madly in love with him as he was with her. His

pride would not bear a marriage based on obligation. It was true

that loving Elizabeth had taught him to forsake his pride, but he

was not willing to go so far. He had to talk to Mr. Bennet that

very day, and he had to stop showing such an open interest inElizabeth, at least for the time being.

He let out an inaudible sigh, but Mrs. Bennets watchful eyes

caught it, and she was about to ask him about it, but he was

spared as Mr. Jones entered the room, followed by Miss Bennet.

Mr. Darcy stood up before everyone else, and forgetting his

resolutions of a moment ago, he started his inquiries before

anyone else had the chance to speak.


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Is she out of danger?

Mr. Jones smiled encouragingly. My dear sir, Miss Elizabeth

never was in danger. She is one of the healthiest girls I know.

This is one of the very few times she has needed my services.

But then, why did she collapse so suddenly? Surely, this cannot

be considered a sign of good health! Mr. Darcy was already

contemplating sending for his own physician in London and

missed Mr. Bennets annoyed grunt. Mr. Jones, however, did

not lose his good humor.

It was not an alarmingly sudden incident, sir. Miss Elizabethcaught a cold yesterday, and she admitted to having overexerted

herself. If she had kept to her bed this morning, she would have

been considerably better now.

Do you think that her recovery will take long? Mr. Bennet

finally managed to speak before Darcy.

She is feverish right now, but that is not alarming. I think thatshe will improve considerably within the next two days. In any

case, I will return tomorrow morning. You may call upon me if

you witness anything of an alarming nature during the night.

I will stay with her, Mrs. Bennet said. Darcy gritted his teeth,

but fortunately, Jane intervened.

I will spend the night with her, Mama. I will be repaying the

services she bestowed on me, she said with a small smile and aglimpse in Mr. Bingleys direction that considerably improved

his mood and self-esteem.

How is Miss Elizabeth now? Darcy was again the one to

speak first.

She has fallen asleep. I am sure rest will benefit her.

Mr. Darcy did not seem satisfied, but Mr. Bennet extended his


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hand to the apothecary.

Thank you, John.

Will you stay for dinner, Mr. Jones? Mrs. Bennet inquiredpolitely but half-heartedly. Bingley and Darcy had agreed to

dine with them, and she didnt want a stranger in her table.

Luckily for her, Mr. Jones expressed his wish to return to his

wife as soon as possible. Mrs. Bennet sent Kitty and Mary to

escort him. She then declared that Mr. Bingley was pale and

would be extremely benefited from a walk in the garden. Jane

was subsequently encouraged to join him, and perhaps to take

him as far as the Oakham Mount. She, as a conscious mother,replaced her daughter in Elizabeths room.

Thus, her cunning bore fruit. Mr. Bennet and Mr. Darcy were

left all alone.

~)~)~)~(~(~(~Mr. Bennet had no intention of promoting a marriage between

his daughter and Mr. Darcy, no matter how persistent his wife

was about Elizabeths having been compromised. However, the

young mans behavior had puzzled him exceedingly, and he

meant to have a serious talk with him.

Mr. Darcy, he began, clearing his throat, I heard that you

were most attentive to my daughter this morning. Although he

expected nothing more than a contemptuous look from his

companion, he witnessed him stiffen, while a look of self-

consciousness appeared briefly on his face.

Mr. Bennet, I am not sure what you have been told

Merely that you carried my daughter in the presence of her

mother, her sisters, your friend and two members of the staff

and that you entered her bedroom, as her maid kindly informed


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me.

In that light, my behavior seems unforgivable indeed, Mr.

Bennet, Darcy replied coldly. However, Miss Elizabeth was in

evident distress and appearances were not my utmost concern atthat moment.

You admit, then, that you surpassed the limits of propriety?

Mr. Bennet was somewhat alarmed.

I only spoke of appearances. My behavior towards your

daughter was entirely honorable, as are my intentions.

I beg your pardon? Mr. Bennet was certain that Darcy could

not mean what he thought that he meant.

Mr. Bennet, although my actions were motivated purely by my

concern for your daughters situation, I understand that I have

conducted myself in a way that might lead to scandal. Since you

think that marriage is the most appropriate solution

Indeed, Mr. Darcy, I said no such thing! he exclaimed and

gained a genuinely surprised look from Darcy, who did not

expect to be interrupted.

But you do think that I have compromised Miss Elizabeth.

In truth, all that Mr. Bennet wanted to do was to punish the

arrogant man for his superior airs by telling him that he was not

allowed to do whatever he pleased in his house. He had notexpected the conversation to take this turn.

No, Mr. Darcy I again he cleared his throat, I simply

wanted to know your opinion about the whole affair.

Are you asking me if I think that I have compromised your

daughter?

In a way, yes.


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Darcy was taken aback. He had expected a scene with Mr.

Bennet ranting and storming and threatening that he would kill

him if he did not agree to take Elizabeth as his wife, but the

gentleman in question would not come to the point. What was

he up to? Why did he not ask what he meant to ask directly?

When I acted this morning, I thought that I was doing nothing

that an honorable man would not do. However, on second

thought

Second thought?

Yes, on second thought, Mr. Darcy confirmed, even morepuzzled, I think that my conduct could be misinterpreted. I

esteem Miss Elizabeth too much to have her subjected to

But you had justification. Mr. Bennets voice betrayed

anguish.

Hardly, sir.

Elizabeth could not move by herself.

But I had not her mothers consent

Her mother was too upset to give consent.

A servant could have carried her Darcy tried to be neutral

as he said the last phrase, although the thought still made him

shiver.

No male servant was in the room, Mr. Bennet said quickly.

And as you said, two servants witnessed

Mrs. Hill and Sarah are very discreet.

Darcy did not wish to argue any longer. Mr. Bennet, are you

trying to make excuses for me?


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The older man cast his eyes down and replied in a low voice. I

am trying to be reasonable.

Do you Is it possible that you do not wish a marriage

between myself and your daughter?

I would rather not place you both in a disagreeable situation.

Disagreeable situation? Darcy cried with agitation, and

suddenly Mr. Bennet remembered that he was speaking with a

man to whom he would never dare deny anything that he

condescended to ask.

Do not take offense at my words, Mr. Darcy. I merely meant

that that I am assured that your conduct this morning has been

beyond reproach and that a marriage is not necessary.

Would you oppose to such a marriage?

I implore you, do not take this as an affront. I would not wish a

marriage of dutyof conveniencefor Elizabeth. She

deserves She is too special to be happy or to make her

husband happy in a union forced upon her. Mr. Darcys

features relaxed a little at the evident tenderness with which Mr.

Bennet referred to his daughter. A small smile curved his lips as

he asked the next question.

But, suppose it was not a forced marriage out of duty?

Mr. Bennet was certain he had not heard well. Nota marriageout of duty? What kind of marriage could it be?

A marriage of love, Mr. Darcy said with such firmness and

determination that however shocked Elizabeths father might

have been, at least he was certain that he had not misunderstood

him.

Do you love my daughter?


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Darcy breathed deeply. I had hoped to inform you under

different circumstances, Mr. Bennet, but yes, I do.

This cannot be. You had proclaimed her to be only tolerable!

Mr. Darcy wondered if there was anyone in Hertfordshire who

had not heard about the stupidest remark he had made in his

whole life.

Mr. Bennet, you know your daughter well enough to

understand why, upon further acquaintance, I came to regret my

foolish and ill-judged remark most acutely. Surely you cannot

doubt that Miss Elizabeth can inspire the tenderest of feelings?

The older man thought that he was constantly losing ground.

But you despised her! She despised you!

Darcy nodded sadly. I am only too aware of her former

feelings, Mr. Bennet. I have done everything in my power these

past few months to change to become worthy of her

affection.

Mr. Bennet was absolutely certain that he had been propelled

into a different universe and was talking with a different Mr.

Darcy, because the Mr. Darcy that he knew would never have

such a look of contrition on his face nor would he make such

humble confessions. He would not have fallen in love with his

Elizabeth in the first place! All that he could think to say was,

And have you?

I am afraid I dont understand your question.

Have you become worthy of my daughters affection?

I cannot answer that, sir.

Has my daughter bestowed her affection on you? Mr. Bennet

demanded in a raised voice.


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No. No, she hasnt.

Mr. Bennet was not certain if he was relieved. He was at a loss

to know how he should proceed.

Mr. Bennet, to resume our talk

There is nothing to talk about. There is no need for a

marriage.

But sir, there is a wish for a marriage.

On your part.

Not on yours?

Mr. Bennet stood up and paced to the window in frustration. For

a few minutes, unbearable silence dominated the room. Mr.

Bennet fixed his gaze outside, but he felt the younger mans

eyes watching him intensely. Finally, he turned and faced him

again.

I only wish my daughter to be happy.

I will do anything to make your daughter happy, sir, Darcy

stated and continued formally. I ask for your permission to

court your daughter, Elizabeth, Mr. Bennet. He was not used to

begging, he was not used to trying to make a good impression

on others, especially on such an eccentric individual as

Elizabeths father, but something reflected on the countenanceof his companion stirred a sensitive chord deep within him. Mr.

Bennet seemed suddenly old, tired and vulnerable, and his eyes,

big and black, that suddenly struck him as much like

Elizabeths, were now full of sorrow. So, he stood up, paced

towards Mr. Bennet and offered him his hand.

And while I court your daughter, we can be further acquainted,

sir. I fear we hardly ever talked, and I am sure we share manyinterests.


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Share interests?

Books, for example.

Mr. Bennet took the offered hand and shook it.

~)~)~)~(~(~(~

In short, I have no idea what to make of the whole day. My

traitorous head, which will not stop pounding, will not make my

efforts easier. Jane is watching me as I write, and I struggle to

keep from gesturing in pain, because she will insist that I shouldgo to bed. However, I am not sure if sleep is the sage thing to

do, since whenever I close my eyes, his image comes before me,

and his hands tighten around my waist, and his eyes bestow

that that burning look on my face. Rest, under these

circumstances, is naturally out of the question.

As for reading a book until I feel tired and fall asleep, it is out of

the question as well. I feel an unreasonable amount of hatredtowards A Sicilian Romance, which I consider, quite

irrationally, as the cause of all my misfortunes. As for

alternative reading, I have to say that my father left me

speechless by sending me this evening The Taming of the Shrew.

He knows that of all Shakespeares works it is my least favorite,

yet he chose it for such a moment.

I think that everything conspires against me. Maybe I will close

my eyes and find that nothing of this day has actually

transpired.

Disturbingly, I realize that I do not want some parts of the day

to be just a dreamalthough they were like a dream.

I am not certain if I should be overjoyed, or hopeful, or patient.

Somehow I feel light-hearted, but I know that I should not trust

my judgment today. I wish I could have seen what transpired


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during the rest of the gentlemens visit at Longbourn. Jane tells

me they stayed until supper and that they kept asking after my

progress, but she does not dwell on details or their exact words,

as I would wish. I am not sure if I am relieved or disappointed

by her discretion, but it is an aspect of her character that I have

always admired.

I can only have faith in tomorrow and listen to my sweet sister

who implores me to go to sleep.

~)~)~)~(~(~(~

Failing andFainting

Part 2

26th SeptemberMrs. Bennet was delighted to see Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley

visiting them very early the next dayeven before Mr. Jones

came to see how Elizabeth was faring. Her enthusiasm grew

even greater as she noticed the anguished manner in which Mr.

Darcy inquired after her second daughter, and she was anxious


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to reassure him that there was no cause to worryfor certainly,

such an important man would like a healthy woman for a wife,

not someone who made a fuss over a trifling cold.

Absorbed in her marriage plans for Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth,Mrs. Bennet failed to notice what struck Mr. Bennet as soon as

he joined them a few minutes later: The two friends were not

speaking to each other. Moreover, Bingley seemed to be trying

to make his anger felt by everyone. He looked positively sullen

and in Mr. Bennets opinion, childishly stubborn. The elder man

wondered what could possibly cause such a display and resolved

to find out as soon as possible.

Mr. Jones came before the mystery could be fully explained, but

at least he contributed in making the atmosphere lighter. He said

that Elizabeths fever was gone, and she appeared rested and

strong enough to leave her room in the afternoon, if she felt

inclined. The last was said with a sly smile directed to Darcy.

Mr. Bennet saw the younger man startle, and he could hardly

suppress a smile and marvel at his wifes talent for spreading

news. However, he had no opportunity to make sports of thelover of his favorite daughter. Mr. Bingley seemed to be

demanding everyones attention by his behavior.

Yes, yes, excellent news indeed, he cried, though his

countenance did not reveal someone pleased with what he had

just heard. Miss Elizabeth is fortunate that her own nature

betrayed her, and she became illone can recover of these

things, however, when ones closestfriendfails him, he can costhim much more than a day or two in bed.

For heavens sake, Bingley! Darcy exclaimed. He could bear

his friends ill humor as long as he was the only one to suffer

the remarks, but he had no patience whenever Elizabeths name

was mentioned. If you want to make everyone acquainted with

my act of treachery as a friend, tell the story directly.

Mrs. Bennet was speechless, for she had finally realized that


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something was amiss between the gentlemen, and she wondered

how this would interfere with her well-laid plans. Her husband

was more than intrigued, but he did not want to ask for

particulars, lest he offend one of the two men. Mr. Bingley,

however, was in no mood for subtlety on that particular day.

Do not provoke me, Darcy! Since you are the cause that these

good people must have formed a very poor opinion of me, I will

not hesitate to expose you!

Mr. Bingley, I assure you, we have the highest opinion of you

and your Mrs. Bennets voice was full of anguish, but no one

was paying attention to her.

I am not afraid of you, Bingley, Darcy said in a very

intimidating tone, but Bingley was not affected in the least by it.

You should be afraid of the truth, if it is revealed!

Darcy was ready to form a reply, when footsteps were heard,

and Jane appeared, short of breath and with flushed cheeks.

Gentlemen, I am so sorry to interrupt, but please, would you

lower your voices? I do not mean any offence, but my sister

heard you andshe will not rest. She insists on coming down to

find out what is the matter I beg of you She should not

overexert herself.

Gentlemen, in my study.Now, Mr. Bennet instructed sharply

and soon no voice could reach the drawing room or thebedrooms upstairs, much to Janes relief and to Mrs. Bennets

despair.

~)~)~)~(~(~(~

Can you tell me what they can possibly be talking about in

there? They have been in the study for over an hour! Mrs.


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Bennet did not expect Kitty to give her any answer, but she had

to make someone acquainted with the frustration she felt. Mary

was in the room as well, but she was too absorbed in the book

she was reading to offer one of her sermon-like replies.

Kitty only shrugged, but Jane appeared at the door, peering in

the drawing room questioningly. Her mother cast her an its-all-

your-fault-look and ignored her, but Jane could not return to her

sisters bedroom without news again. She was afraid of

Elizabeths reaction if she told her once more, They are still

with Papa in the study. So, she remained there, leaning on the

doorframe, pale and apprehensive. Fortunately, five minutes

later, the door of Mr. Bennets sanctuary opened and revealed apositively astonished Mr. Bennet, a drained Mr. Darcy and an

embarrassed Mr. Bingley.

I believe I only now fully realize the merits of secrecy. Truth

can be dangerous for ones constitution, Mr. Bennet exclaimed.

Before his wife could start questioning him, he declared that he

needed some air and left the rest to entertain themselves.

Jane was the first to recover and made an attempt to flee the

room. I am sorry, but I must return to my sisterShe must be

wondering what has become of me.

Miss Bennet, I Bingley cleared his throat. Mrs. Bennet,

my behavior today was inexcusable. I can only claim deep

feeling as my excuse. Since I reached an understanding with my

true friend here, he pointed gratefully at Darcy, and Mr.Bennet does not think the worse of me for my outburst, may I

request may I have a private talk with Miss Bennet, please?

Mrs. Bennet, who had risen to her feet while Bingley was

speaking, almost pushed Jane to his direction.

Of course, of course! she cried and recommended the park as

the best place to have their conversation undisturbed. She then

sent a reluctant Mary to take care of Elizabeth, while she


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wondered what she could do to show Mr. Darcy her deference

for his opinions while they were alone with Kitty.

She neednt have been troubled about it, though, for hardly had

Jane and Bingley gotten out of the house than Elizabethdescended the stairs with a very determined look on her face.

~)~)~)~(~(~(~

Lizzy? What are you doing here? Mrs. Bennet could hide

neither her astonishment nor her displeasure at her daughters

sudden presence.

Miss Bennet, are you well? Mr. Darcy was as alarmed as he

had been on the previous day.

I am fine, thank you. I must apologize for my sudden, and

hideous, she thought, appearance, but I feel much improved,

she added with evident impatience that did not help her words

look believable.

But, Lizzy, you are anobedientdaughter, Mrs. Bennet said

desperately.

Obedient? Elizabeth would have never considered herself as

such.

Yes, a very obedient daughter who will make someone, one

day, an extremely obedient wife.

Mr. Darcy realized what this exchange was about and, despite

himself, was amused. He decided to speak though, for

Elizabeths sake.

I am very glad to see you, Miss Bennet. It is a relief to find that

you have recovered so soon.

Elizabeth blushed very properly and becomingly, but before she


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could make any response, her mother spoke again.

Yes, yes, healthy as they come, my Lizzy. No chance that she

will die in childbirth

Mother! Elizabeths cheeks grew hot, and she thought that

healthy though she was, she would die of mortification at any

moment.

Miss Bennet, Darcy said hurriedly, now that you are so much

better, would you like to take a stroll in the garden? You must

have missed being outdoors.

Elizabeth nodded and took his offered hand, while Mrs. Bennet

almost clapped her hands in enthusiasm.

What a wonderful idea, Mr. Darcy. Indeed, you always have

the best ideas, dear sir. I always thought that

They exited the house before they could hear more.

~)~)~)~(~(~(~

As soon as they were out, Mr. Darcy looked anxiously for a

bench and guided Elizabeth there immediately.

I am so sorry, Miss Bennet, for proposing this. I know it is too

soon for you to overexert yourself, but He stopped short and

wondered how he could continue without insulting Mrs. Bennetand offending Elizabeth. An idea came to him, and he

continued, but you looked as if you were ready to faint again,

and I thought that some fresh air, perhaps, would

You were right, Mr. Darcy, Elizabeth said quietly with a hint

of sadness.

You were about to faint? Maybe we should return to the house.I apologize, Miss Bennet, it was very poor judgment on my part.


31/124

I only wanted to take you away from, he stammered again,

from that room where you seem to have developed a propensity

for fainting, he added with a smile.

Away from my embarrassing mother, Elizabeth said with asigh.

No! I would never say such a thing. Please believe that I

You would be right if you said it, though.

Darcy, in the utmost frustration, paced back and forth for a few

seconds then knelt before Elizabeth and took her hands into his.She had not worn her gloves, as she had left her room so hastily,

and the contact of skin against skin reminded them of the

wonderful sensations of the day before. The agony of those

hours was gone, yet their hearts were now pounding even faster

than they had the first time he embraced her. She felt protected

and safe, as if he could keep all the worlds malice away from

her. He was so full of hope and love that he did not care to

check his mirth. His palms were warm while her hands werecold, and they bonded so well together, giving and taking.

Lightly he caressed her fingers, as though they were a rare,

fragile treasure. He lifted his head to find her eyes intense on

him. Their gazes locked, and they forgot everything but each

other. It was a few minutes before either was able to speak.

Miss Bennet, tell me, please, what I can do I can not bear to

see you so distressed, so sad. Please tell me what I may offer foryour relief. I will do anything you ask of me.

You have already done too much, Mr. Darcy. You have

overlooked my despicable behavior and unjust accusations at

Hunsford, you

Please, do not

No, please allow me to finish. I might never find the courage to


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speak about this again. Her eyes, which never left his face, and

her hands, always entwined with his, persuaded him to relent.

You were so kind to us at Pemberley and amiable and discreet

and I can hardly praise you enough, Mr. Darcy. Now I

understand the difficulties my aunt had in her letter. And then,

regarding my sisters elopement...

Darcy suddenly averted his eyes and withdrew his hand, while

his face took a pained expression. Do not speak of this, I beg

you, he whispered.

Now it was her hand that caressed hislovingly, reassuringly.

He was so surprised by the gesture that his eyes returned to herface immediately, and his expression was a mixture of surprise

and longing.

But I must. I am a very selfish creature, Mr. Darcy, and for the

sake of giving relief to my own feelings, I care not how much I

may be wounding yours. I can no longer refrain from thanking

you for your unexampled kindness to my poor sister. Ever since

I have known it

You have known it? Mr. Darcy whispered with a tenderness

that brought tears to Elizabeth eyes. Words came out of her

mouth, quick, confused, but their meaning was clearer than ever.

Yes! Lydia mentioned you were at her wedding and I

wondered how you happened to be there. I wrote to my aunt,

and she answered me, and she thought that you and I wereBy that time, Elizabeth was sobbing. And you came here and

everyone has been so ungracious to you and I could not talk

to you. You were as before angry. How you must have

despised us all! My mother was so unfair to you yesterday I

tried to stop her, Mr. Darcy, I truly did, but then I fainted, and I

could do nothing at all. I only gave you more trouble. Today, I

heard voices and knew that you were surely having an argument

with someone. I knew I had to stop it, to tell you that we are not

all that bad. I am so sorry, Mr. Darcy, for everything. So very


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sorry.

Elizabeth was so absorbed in her weeping that she did not

realize that Darcy had moved to sit next to her on the bench, nor

that he had taken her into his arms and was now embracing hertightly. Her head rested on his comforting chest, and he spoke

soothing.

Shhhhhh, Elizabeth, do not cry. All will be well, please do not

cry.

The sound of her name coming from his lips was sufficient

shock for her to startle. She pulled back gently, and although shefelt a sense of loss as their embrace broke, she tried to compose

herself. With the pretense of dignity but with a voice that was

shaking very much after her sobbing, she said, I wanted to

thank you on behalf of all my family. Had they known

They do know, Elizabeth.

I beg your pardon?

Darcy stood up and started pacing again, then resuming a more

formal address, he spoke.

Miss Bennet, you have asked for my forgiveness, but I am

afraid it is I who must beg for your forgiveness once you know

everything that has passed between your father and me.

I am afraid I do not understand you at all.

You have called me an arrogant man, and you were right. No,

no, please, there is no point in arguing that. I have always

looked down on the world, judging even those who were close

to my heart as unworthy to know my thoughts, my feelings, and

my private actions. I was content and very proud of myself for

following my familys tradition of secretiveness. However, after

what transpired in Kent


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He looked at her so intensely that she felt her limbs tremble, and

she could only mutter, Please, Mr. Darcy

After my disastrous proposal in Kent, I found that my feelings

were so strong that I feared I would bend under their force.

Your hatred? Elizabeth asked in a stony voice.

He smiled sadly. Perhaps it was in some part hatred, Elizabeth

heard him say and she felt that her sobs would start again. But

he continued immediately, Hatred for what my behavior to you

had been. But mostly, his eyes were ever locked with hers, it

was love.

Love?

Yes, Elizabeth. The use of her Christian name once again did

not go unnoticed by her. It warmed a heart that was still afraid to

begin to hope, despite the softness of his voice, the tenderness of

his tone and the look of promise in his eyes. Rejected, doubted,

desperate, but eternal and stronger than ever love.

She was certain she had lost her capacity to talk, so she let him

continue.

At first, of course, I thought it was only anger and wounded

pride. Yes, perhaps I had hopes that I would come to hate you in

the end. He saw her shiver and added quickly, What a fool I

was! And then I wrote you the letter.

She simply nodded.

It was the epitome of bitterness, Elizabeth. I was rude and

abrupt in what I wrote. I knew it would give you pain. Still, it

was the first time I shared any thoughts, the first time I tried to

justify my thoughts, to justify my actions. I did not know it then,

but it was something I had never done before.

Please forgive me, I had no idea.


35/124

Still, it hurt. I did not know what to do with the ache that

burned my chest. I did not know how to fight the despair. I

refused to talk to anyone. I am afraid I caused my dearest sister

great distress, and I got deeper and deeper into a vicious circle

of misery and loneliness. He noticed the tears that now freely

ran on her cheeks and allowed his hand sweep them away. His

fingers lingered on her cheek, bestowing the gentlest of

caresses, as he said, No tears for me, I beg you. I deserved

thatI was benefited by that. It taught me humility.

Mr. Darcy Her voice was clearly shaking.

Please, let me finish. It was thanks to you that I managed toextricate myself from that state. You appeared at Pemberley, so

delightfully unexpected that you made me believe in miracles. I

saw that you were not disgusted by my presence anymore, and

my faith in my ability to change was built. You introduced me

to your uncle and auntand I could talk.

He had sat on the bench again, so close to her that their bodies

touched with the smallest movement they would make.Elizabeth was still crying. She felt that every tear she had

proudly suppressed in all her life chose that exact moment to

take revenge. Darcy understood and made no attempt to stop

her, but he took her hands into his again. More confidently this

time, his fingers entwined with hers as he resumed his speech.

Yesterday, your father and I had a talk regarding what

happened after you fainted, and I carried you to your room. Shewaited with trepidation to see a look of disapproval on his face,

but instead, he gave her the brightest smile she had ever

witnessed on him. It appears as if I compromised you

yesterday, Miss Bennet.

Elizabeth almost jumped away from him and tried to keep a safe

distance from the bench on which he now sat alone. My father

did not ask you to you are not forced to she could not find

the proper word.


36/124

To her dismay, he looked almost amused at the recollection of

his talk with Mr. Bennet. Your father is an excellent man who

is determined to make certain you are always happy. And he, as

well as I, know that nothing forcedcould ever make you happy.

But then what?

Yesterday, while talking to your father, I voiced my feelings. I

hardly know him, and at that point, he was not looking at me

favorably, yet I told him what was in my heart. It was as if I

were free all at once.

Free of your feelings?

He smiled genuinely again. I would never wish to be free from

my feelings, even if that were possible. I was free of the fear, of

the doubt, of the last remnants of my deplorable pride and

conceit. Suddenly, the smile died on his face, and he averted

his eyes. But I am afraid that today I took advantage of this

freedom. I dread what you will think of me

She had walked towards him as he spoke. Her eyes were red and

her lips swollen. Her voice came hoarse after all this crying, but

her cheeks were dry and her eyes determined. Darcy thought she

had never looked more beautiful as she sat on the bench and

took his face in her hands boldly.

You need not be afraid of me, she whispered softly.

But I am, he answered as quietly. Yesterday I made my long-overdue confession to Bingley. I kept procrastinating until the

talk with your father gave me all the courage I needed to admit

my blunders and deceit. Unfortunately, Darcy sighed, Bingley

did not take it very well.

It cannot be so very bad

The voices you heard today that caused you such concern were


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mine and Bingleys. I deserve his anger, and the right thing for

me to do would be to depart immediately for London, but I

could not bear to leave.

Elizabeth had to remind herself to breathe.

Naturally, your father called us into his study and demanded an

explanation for our conduct. And then He looked away, but

felt her hand take his. He looked at her, expecting at least a look

of disapproval, but saw only warmth and encouragement in her

eyes. Then, I told your father everything. What happened after

the Netherfield Ball, how I kept Bingley away from your sister,

how we met at Kent He hesitated and finally she knew thereason for his distress.

You told him about your proposal at Kent?

I did.

And about what you did for Lydia?

He nodded.

And about your history with Mr. Wickham?

Everything.

Even the most confidential parts?

Yes.

And Mr. Bingley was present?

He was.

Elizabeth looked at her hands and spoke more to herself than to

him. My poor father. He must have been shocked.

He seemed very surprised.


38/124

He had no idea. I never told him I

I am sorry, Miss Bennet. Darcys formality did not escape her

nor did it please her in the least. He stood up and Elizabeth

noticed that his form seemed tense and rigid. His voice had lostevery trace of softness and seemed despairingly neutral. I have

exposed interactions that you wished to remain unknownand

rightly so. I did not consider your feelings when I did. I fear that

my selfish disdain of the others has prevailed once again.

I do not think so, Elizabeth said quietly.

Miss Bennet, I wish to know your honest opinion on thesubjectno civilities are required. His voice sounded

desperate.

You risked my fathers good opinion and your friends, as

well. You talked about events it pained me even to think of, yet

you did what was right and just. Perhaps you were indiscrete,

she admitted, smiling and blushing, but a man who is arrogant

and conceited would have just turned his back to the problemsand accused someone else. You are not like that, she sighed.

You never were.

I was wrong, Elizabeth. Utterly and completely.

You are not responsible for everyones actions, Mr. Darcy.

But my conduct was unpardonable. I am the cause that Bingley

suffered.

I am sorry for Mr. Bingley, and the deceit on your part was

unfortunate, but then, Mr. Darcy, he did not return to

Hertfordshire.He did not make any attempts to win his hearts

desire. And he is responsible for his happiness and his

misfortunes.

Despite himself, Darcy smiled. You and your father are more


39/124

alike than I had realized.

Indeed, sir?

Yes. He told my friend exactly the same opinion.

Elizabeth did not try to hide her satisfaction. And what did my

father tellyou, sir?

That I am good man, albeit incapable of reading peoples

feelings. That rare and very becoming bright smile of his

returned to his face.

I think my father likes you. He must have appreciated that you

opened your heart to him, she said a bit pointedly.

Yes, and I consider myself most fortunate. But my agony is not

over, since my greatest wish is that his daughter appreciates it

when I open my heart to her.

Elizabeths heart was beating very fast, and she was glad that

she was sitting on the bench, as she was not certain her limbs

would have supported her. She wanted to be free of every

restraint, to give him all the encouragement he needed, and to

tell him that she loved him. Despite the fact that they had passed

the limits of propriety many times during the last two days, she

could not find the courage to be more open at that moment.

Dreading yet another misunderstanding, she forced herself to

speak, although her eyes, which had been locked with his so

often, could not now leave the ground.

I I would be honored to listen to everything you would

like to tell me.

He did not reply immediately and, unable to bear the suspense,

she lifted her eyes to his face to find him watching her as if he

were trying to see inside her, into her thoughts. Her cheeks grew

hot, but it was as if he had cast a spell on her. She could not stop


40/124

looking at him, nor could she suppress a sigh as he leaned closer

to take her hands into his.

Elizabeth! Mr. Darcy! How wonderful to find you here!

Darcy and Elizabeth instantly moved apart and each one tried to

hide their hands from the view of Jane and Mr. Bingley, as if

they bore marks from their recent contact. The other couple,

however, seemed too absorbed in their bliss to notice anything

peculiar about the situation. In fact, Jane and Bingley were

holding hands and their faces were almost as flushed as theirs.

Darcy and Elizabeth concealed their frustration as well as they

could and listened to the announcement their friends wished tomake.

~)~)~)~(~(~(~

Much later that evening, Mrs. Bennet bid goodbye to her guests

with a most cordial smile, but as the door shut behind them, she

shot an angry look at Elizabeth.

Are you sure that you are not engaged? she asked with the

subtlety that only she possessed.

Yes, Mother, I am positively certain.

But why did Mr. Darcy not propose? He had all the time and

all the privacy to do it. And he should do it, because he has

compromised you forever, Lizzy, and if he does not marry you,who

My dear Mrs. Bennet, her husband interjected, I think you

are doing our eldest daughter a great injustice. She has fulfilled

the sweetest dream of yours, by accepting Mr. Bingley today. I

think we should feel compelled to speak only of Jane tonight.

But Mr. Darcy Mrs. Bennet, though softened, was still


41/124

unwilling to drop the subject.

Jane darling, will you buy your wedding clothes at Meryton?

Mr. Bennet asked in a last desperate attempt, winking at his

daughter.

Eh. She seemed lost for a moment, but when she noticed

her fathers nod, she comprehended his meaning. I believe so,

Father. Mrs. Fowler is an excellent dressmaker, she could very

well

WHAT? Mrs. Bennet yelled, her attention now fully turned to

her eldest daughter, as if she had suddenly forgotten thatElizabeth existed. Meryton? Mrs. Fowler? Jane dear, have you

lost your senses? You must go to London! We will write to your

aunt tomorrow. No, better yet, tonight! She will let us know all

about the new fashions.

As Mrs. Bennet continued talking, Jane gently led her to the

drawing room, leaving Mr. Bennet and Elizabeth alone in the

hall.

And when they have run out of talk of wedding clothes, they

can always have a conversation about the specific amount of

Mr. Bingleys income, he observed.

I do not believe Mama will ever run out of conversation about

fashion, Father, Elizabeth said wearily and then she added,

Thank you.

Her father looked at her thoughtfully. Are you happy, Lizzy?

She gazed at him and saw his concern and all the love with

which he had enwrapped her since she was a child. She saw the

tenderness in his eyes, and she remembered the happiness she

had felt at Longbourn. She recalled the time they spent together

reading, talking, laughing, and sharing an understanding. He had

been the man she loved the most. But now, a very different kind


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of love towards another man prevailed in her heart, lit it and

filled it with a joy she had never experienced before. As she

watched her father, she became more confident of her feelings,

of Mr. Darcys feelings, of their future togetherand that

confidence made her happy. Elizabeth saw the fear of the

unknown, of abrupt change in her fathers eyes, and it touched

her to the core, but she was not afraid of anything anymore.

I am, Father.

~)~)~)~(~(~(~You seem very deep in thought, Darcy, Bingley commented

after a few minutes of riding in complete silence.

Yes, I am. A full day, was it not?

It was. Bingley could not refrain from grinning, before

adding, The happiest of my life.

Though it certainly did not begin so.

We had a stormy morning, did we not, Darcy? Upon receiving

no answer, he said seriously, I was unreasonable and my

behavior, before Mr. Bennet put some sense into my mind, was

unpardonable.

My behavior during the entire past winter was unpardonable,

Bingley, but we decided to leave it behind us. You haveforgiven me too easily; you cannot expect me to be angry for a

justified outburst of yours.

Yes, I whole-heartedly forgave you, my friend. Although I

must say, that I do not feel as bad as I ought for my revenge on

you today.

Your anger was not something you could control, Bingley. Icould hardly call that revenge.


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I do not mean my offending you.

Then what is your meaning?

I mean the fact that we interrupted your private talk with MissElizabeth. I am ashamed to admit that I had noticed you from

afar. Had I but gently directed Jane to another path, you would

have concluded your conversation which, judging by your

countenance, you most certainly did not!

Bingley! Darcy was astonished, but he could not be angry at

his friendnot when he was looking so happy.

Yes, it was a treachery on my part, but to make amends for it, I

will offer to chaperone you when you are engaged. And I

promise I will lose you each and every time we go on a walk!

~)~)~)~(~(~(~

Consequently, I spent the whole afternoon meditating on what

would have happened if Jane and Mr. Bingley had not

interrupted us. I so wish that Mr. Bingley had made a longer

speech when proposing! Should he not have talked about his

ardent love in more detail? Certainly, I am no expert in such

things, but I am quite positive that Mr. Darcy would have been

more eloquent on the subject if the rest of my family but gave

us time!

Quite unnervingly, my only relative who seems to understandmy agony is my mother. When we returned to the house and my

father demanded that I should go to my room and rest until

dinner, only she defended me in my request to be allowed

downstairs. Naturally, my alliance with my mother was not a

successful one, so I only saw Mr. Darcy several hours later

and in full company. There was no chance for a private talk

whatsoever. At least, my beloved mother placed us next to each

other, and we could spend our time exchanging civilities and


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admiring my excellent constitution that had allowed me to

recover so quickly, to the utter relief of the people who care for

me, as he said, and I blushed so much that he must have

thought I had a fever again.

Oh, I so wish everyone could disappear and leave us together so

I could bury my head in his chest and feel once more the

exquisite safety and strength I did this very morning! I want to

feel his presence when I know he is away at Netherfield, I want

to talk to him whenever we are at the same room, I want his eyes

never to leave mine. What happened to the simple girl I used to

be? Have I become so selfish? But is it really selfishness when

my entire happiness seems to depend on a simple look of his?

My mother tried to help me find some time with Mr. Darcy alone

after dinner, but then the men went away and when they

returned, Mr. Bingley declared that they had taken advantage of

our hospitality for far too long. My mother, looking only at Mr.

Darcy, declared that she would be most happy to see them at

Longbourn any time they wished to call. It was fortunate that

Mr. Bingley prolonged his goodbyes to his fianc if only hehad prolonged his proposal too! because my parents and

other sisters saw it fitting to disappear, leaving us at last alone

with Mr. Darcy. Indeed, Jane and Mr. Bingley were looking and

whispering at each other so adoringly that even if we threw

ourselves in a passionate embrace, they would have not noticed.

These are no proper thoughts for a lady, but I have been in love

for some time, and now I am given hope. I find that I cannot but

be sincere with myself and admit how much I long to unite mylife with Mr. Darcy.

As we were parting, he smiled that small, private, wonderful

smile of his, and I vow that he looked even more handsome than

I remembered and anticipated. He took my hand in his. His lips

barely touched my fingers, and instantly my lips felt envious of

my hands, wanting to taste his kiss as well. There was hardly a

part of my body and soul that did not feel affected by his lightcaress.


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Never breaking eye-contact with me, he asked in a formal voice

but with hidden amusement, Miss Bennet, would you be so kind

to satisfy my curiosity? Very surprised, I told him I would be

very pleased to answer any question he wished to make. Smiling

even more openly, he continued, I have been wondering how

you managed to escape your sisters, who were ordered to keep

you safe in your room this morning. It shows great

resourcefulness and an admirable degree of determination.

Hardly any resourcefulness at all, sir, I answered, smiling as

well. It was very easy to bribe my sister, Mary. And upon his

wishing to know how I had achieved that, I continued, I

recently discovered, to my cost, that she takes delight inromantic novels. I volunteered to give her, as a present, the

entire works of Mrs. Radcliff.

I should not dwell so much on the appearance of such an

excellent man with so many other gifts, but the truth is that he

has the most adorable incredulous look. Not to mention how

wonderful he is when he laughs.

~)~)~)~(~(~(~

Failing andFainting


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Part 3

27th SeptemberElizabeth rose from her bed as soon as she awakened and ran

towards the window. She had a peculiar feeling that she would

see Mr. Darcy coming up to the house on his horse looking

imposing, dignified and simply breathtaking. However, when

she cast a look outside, she had to suppress a sigh of frustration.

She could see nothing at all, not even the tree that stood only a

few yards away from her window, nor the path, nor the park

nothing at all. Thick fog covered everything in a white,

impenetrable, merciless cloud. A romantic heart would have

seen the dreamy quality of the hour, a desperate soul could not.

Very unladylike thoughts regarding the English weather crossed

Elizabeths mind, and she had not even the courage to be

ashamed of herself. As for hopes of seeing Mr. Darcy before the

sun sent the mist away, she had none. That kind of thinga

knight emerging from the mist in quest of the fairy lady could

be met only in Mrs. Radcliffs works. She suddenly felt the urge

to tearA Sicilian Romance to pieces, but she remembered that

she should be returning it to her sister, Mary, so she contented

herself by casting angry looks at the book.

She paced absent-mindedly in her room. She did not want toring for her maid, not just yet. Somehow, she was in no mood to

dress and have her hair arranged if Mr. Darcy was not there to

see her.

Elizabeth Bennet, what on earth has come over you?

She could not understand it. She never cared for the worlds

opinion, especially regarding her appearance. She wanted todress and behave in a way that would make her feel at ease and


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comfortable and not with the purpose of being appreciated by

someone else. Yet, now all comfort and independence were

ready to be sacrificed in order to gain one mans good opinion.

So be it.

Elizabeth Bennet realized that she was fully in love, and there

was nothing she could do about it. But this realization seemed to

affect the whole of her, calming her body, spreading a smile on

her face and illuminated her countenance in a glow that

surpassed even Janes angelic radiance after the announcement

of her engagement. Winking mischievously at her reflection at

the mirror, she rang for her maid.

~)~)~)~(~(~(~

Mrs. Bennet was completely distraught at breakfast. She could

not take her eyes from the window, nor could she stop

lamenting over the unfortunate weather. Her eldest daughters,

quite surprisingly, found her cause for distress quite sound.Kitty was annoyed by the necessary restriction at home, as well,

and Mary could not find something witty to say about mist, for

fear she would betray her preference for romantic fiction. In

short, everyone was sullen at the tableeveryone but Mr.

Bennet.

It seems that the young men will be detained today, does it not,

girls? he said as soon as his wife paused to regain breath.

It would not be wise to travel on horseback in such thick mist,

Jane answered quietly.

True, true. If they do come, fulfilling your hearts desire, you

will be forced to consider them irresponsible. It would not do.

My dear Mr. Bennet, how can you be talking like this? his

wife cried. No one is more responsible or wise than Mr. Darcy.


48/124

If he chooses to visit us, it would mean that it is the right thing

to do.

Yet, he did notchoose to visit us.

Elizabeth thought that her father was an excellent man, but

completely lacking insight into womens feelings and decided to

seclude herself in the drawing room. She needed to relax, and

though the best way to achieve that was to pour her heart out to

her diary, she decided against it. After all, she could not bear her

fathers teasing if she disappeared for a while. He would, in all

probability, point out how Missish she had become, and she was

afraid that she would not be able to suppress her reply: I do notwish to beMissish. I want to becomeMrs.

She realized that she had come to expect Mr. Darcys proposal

so much that she could not escape disappointment when it did

take not place. She had dreamt about it so often, and had been

ready to receive it the day before, especially after their

formidable discussion. However, the day was filled with

everything but an engagement. There had been intimacyhowwonderful her name had sounded in his lips! There had been

momentary misunderstandingquite a frequent occurrence,

unfortunately. There had been allusion to precious feelings,

quick beating hearts, wonderful contact, unavoidable blushes,

but there had been no proposal. Elizabeth sighed and moved to

sit by the fire, when she heard her mothers scream.

MR. DARCY!

She hurried to the breakfast room, where everyone was still

assembled, to find her mother welcoming Mr. Darcy more

profusely than ever. She thought she heard her father whispering

to himself, My, the man is determined, but Janes anxious

inquiry about how Mr. Bingley was faring barely registered in

her mind. Her whole attention was directed to Mr. Darcy, her

eyes silently asking him why he had come so suddenly, fearing

and hoping at the same time.


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Mr. Bingley is well, Miss Bennet, do not worry. I am afraid his

horse had a little more trouble finding the way. I was lucky that

my horse seems to have an excellent sense of orientation.

You are such an excellent horseman, Mr. Darcy. I always toldmy daughters that

Mr. Darcy, I hope you did not risk your well-being to come

here, Elizabeth told him in slightly shaking voice, as images of

him thrown from his horse and lying on the ground while the

rest of them were unable to locate him filled her mind and gave

her cold shivers.

I assure you, Miss Elizabeth, that I was thinking of my well-

being when I mounted my horse to come here this morning.

Mr. Bennet knew that his presence was unnecessary. He

murmured an excuse and hurried to the study, while Mrs.

Bennet practically grabbed Kitty and Mary and led them out of

the room, insisting that they had all neglected their

correspondence far too long. Jane, still anxious about Mr.Bingleys arrival, ventured outside to await him. Elizabeth and

Mr. Darcy were left in the breakfast room all alone in the work

of a moment. Elizabeth had time only to blink and to note the

impropriety of the situation which resulted in a becoming blush.

I was about to say that I wished a private talk with you, but

your family seems to have understood my wishes before I

voiced them.

Elizabeth honestly wished that she died of mortification at that

precise moment. Why was it that neither her family nor she

could act in a normal way in the presence of Mr. Darcy? Why

was it that each time she became assured of his affections, some

disaster or other happened and agony returned? Maybe they

were notmeant to be?

Miss Bennet, since we have a propensity to misunderstand each


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other, I feel compelled to make clear that my statement was

meant as a compliment to your family and not as an insulting

remark.

Elizabeth looked at him in astonishment, unable to saysomething, especially when she realized that he was smiling

which rendered him quite irresistible.

I am afraid that my poor sense of humor does not recommend

myself to you, Elizabeth, he said softly, walking closer and

stopping right before her, next to the window. And if it does

not, how am I ever to win your heart?

Without knowing what she was doing, she reached for his hand.

When it was safely enclosed in hers, she answered, I am sure

you have other virtues to recommend you, Mr. Darcy.

Yes. Such as vanity and pride.

Elizabeth smiled at the remembrance of a conversation they had

made so long ago. It seemed that two different people hadspoken then, or at least two people with very different feelings.

And let us not forget your implacable resentment. She had no

idea why she was teasing him, but she felt safe now. She felt

that she could say anything she had in mind, whether it was a

confession of her feelings or an impertinent remark. She knew

he would hear and understandand accept.

Very true, Miss Bennet. My feelings tend to last much longerthan usual. Some of them, in fact, are bound to last forever.

They were inches apart, and she could feel the air that was

separating them. It was light, full of his scent, and yet it felt like

a barrier.

Steadfastness and commitmentthese are virtues worthy of

praise. It is a pity that Miss Bingley is not here to admire them


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as eloquently as possible.

Darcys hands cupped her face and brought it so close to his that

Elizabeth could see every perfect detail of his freshly-shaven

face, every little variation in the color of his eyes.Unfortunately, she was unable to appreciate anything, since she

was trying to save her heart from bursting.

I do not care for Miss Bingleys opinion. I do not care for

anyones opinion. I care only for you, Elizabeth. I love you.

He had said it! Elizabeth felt suddenly very light. She could fly,

she was certain of that! She needed something strong, an anchor,and she found it in his arms which opened for her and closed

tightly around her.

I love you, he repeated, if only you knew how much I love

you! I cannot find peace unless I know you are happy. I thought

I would die if anything had happened to you the day you fainted.

Neither name, nor familynothing matters without you,

Elizabeth.

I made that mistake when I proposed in Kent. I had no idea

how much I loved you then, had no idea how your refusal would

make my existence seem pointless. I askedyou to become a part

ofmy life, to adjust and fit in it, when the truth is that you are

my whole life. I give everything to you, dearest, loveliest

Elizabethvirtues and vices, name, family and property.

Everything is yours to judge, yours to take. Even if you refusethem, they can belong to no one else, because I am yours and

will remain so forever.

Elizabeth could not look at him while he spoke. She was buried

in his embrace and was only aware of the warmth of his voice,

his head that rested softly on top of hers and the gentle stroke of

his hand on her back. She would not cry. She would not let the

tears come out and blur her vision, depriving her of the chance

to devour with her eyes the happiest scene of her whole life. She


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wanted smiling eyes to greet his as he pulled back to look into

her face.

A slow smile spread on his face. Before he could say anything,

Elizabeth spoke. We must add your ability to make the mostwonderful speeches to your list of virtues, Mr. Darcy. Speeches

that can make a woman who is totally besotted with you love

you even moremore than she had ever thought possible. How

you can achieve that, sir, is quite beyond my comprehension.

My Elizabeth.My most precious love, was all that he could

say as she buried herself in his arms, so that she could take some

of his strength and make certain that this dream was real.

A few minutes passed silently, as they tried to comprehend the

bliss that had suddenly taken complete possession of their

hearts. Finally, Darcy pulled away again.

My love, I have to ask you the question, he whispered,

looking deeply into her eyes, as his hand stroked her hair. I

have hoped for this day for so long that now I cannot believethat my fondest wish has come true. I am afraid that at any

moment I will open my eyes and find that you are not standing

here before me, in my embrace, accepting my love.

Elizabeth had never expected to find such a vulnerable aspect in

him, but then she remembered the changes her feelings had

brought to her and smiled understandingly. Her chest was full of

the strongest emotion for the man, and she had every intentionof showing him that, giving him all the assurance that he

needed.

I love you, Mr. Darcy. Open and close your eyes as many times

as you like, you will still find me here, repeating it for as long as

you wish to hear it.

Forever, he answered and his voice was more animated,

betraying more passion and confidence than ever before. I wish


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you to stay by my side, loving me,forever. I want you to be my

constant companion in life, my dearest friend, the mother of my

sons and daughters, the keeper of my heart and soul,forever.

Elizabeth Bennet, will you do me the honor of becoming my

wife?

This time, hard as she may have tried, Elizabeth could not stop

her tears from running down her cheek as she gave her most

heartfelt answer.

Yes, Mr. Darcy. I will marry you. I will love you and take good

care of you,forever. I will always be by your side.

Call me by my

failing and fainting

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