Quote of the Week

Speech is but the shadow of action

Democriticus of Adbarra, a pre-Socratic philosopher

99

•

European Flooding Linkedto Hollywood!

Wave of controversy surrounds PR 'blunder 'Kevin Phillips Bong _ a million people, were part ofRoving Correspondent

a massive publicity campaign

NEW YORK (UPI)

to promote the upcoming

In a statement read at a

action release Waterworld .

press conference earlier today, Exhaustive scrutiny of Alpine

United Nations officials

snow levels, local geological

revealed the cause of the dev- data and Paramount financial

astating floodwaters that

statements confirmed the

swept through the Lower

findings .

Rhine Valley earlier this The fiasco is the latest in a

month. After considers-b- sci= string of misfortunes to befal l

entific research and investiga-tion, the UN Disaster ControlTeam confirmed that the mas-sive flooding was in fact thedirect result of "gross misjudg-ment" on the part ofAmerican movie gian tParamount Pictures .

The team concluded thatthe high waters, which rav-aged large regions of north -western Europe and forcedthe evacuation of nearly half

ence, Paramount studio chiefJeffrey Katzenberg offered a nexplanation for the debacle.

"It seemed like a great ideaat the time," he said . "TheEuropean audience has alwaysbeen a hard sell for the USstudios relative to other over-seas markets . The fiimgoingpublic in Europe is more cyni-cal than most, and fancifulsci-fi epics like Waterworlddon't always fly, even thoughthey may be rooted in scien-tific plausibility . So we knewwe needed something new topromote this film - somethingthat would really make animpression on the public andallow them to relate to whatgoes on in the film. That wa swhere putting their entirecountry underwater came in . "

According to the

areas, including a crypticpledge to "build dikes biggerthan Oprah. "

Following the press confer-ence, the FederationInternationale du Ski, down-hill skiing's governing body ,announced it would be seek-ing legal action againstParamount to recover lost rev -

mean temperature Is much enues from World Cup racesmore sensitive to that kind of cancelled due to lack of snow .input. We correctly deducedthat by holding a simplethree-hour board meeting inZurich, we'd melt every dropof snow above 3,000 feet .Instant flood . "

Katzenberg also expressedhis "sincere regret and apolo-gies to the German and Dutchpeople," and went on to out -line Paramount's plans toassist relief efforts in stricken

Kevin Costner's would-beblockbuster film, scheduledfor release in August . Reportsof problems on the set and arunaway budget (already esti-mated at nearly $200 million)have damaged advance pub-licity for the film, andParamount had apparentlybeen trying to bolster themovie's public profile whenthe disaster occurred.

Following the press confer -

Katzenberg, the floods weretriggered when the entireParamount board of director sand publicity managementdepartment met in Zurich,Switzerland.

"In Hollywood, we're usedto having that many peoplespout that much hot air all atonce . But up in the Alps, the

In related news, scientistsare at a loss to explain the dis-appearance of the El Ninowarming current, normallyrotating off the Californiacoast, which seemed to coin-cide precisely with the depar-ture of the Paramount execu-tives from the Los Angele sarea . Officials are investigat-ing .

Lenin on Tour!

"Look, it's not that we don't appreciate it and all ,but when we told the owners that we wanted t o

'get rid of the cap' . . . "

Cord van McOlundsky Corresponden t

MOSCOW (Reuters)

RUSSIAN officials todaynnounced the departure

of Lenin, leader of the Russia nRevolution, on a whirlwindtour of the world's majorcities to promote Russian cul-ture and raise some much -needed cash.

Russian museum officialsresponsible for Lenin's preser-vation are delighted .

Vladimir Konstanov madethe following statement toreporters.

"Ve're looking forvard toLenin's tour . Thank you."

Lenin will travel by charterjet to New York, and tourmajor North American cities

before returning to theContinent.

Dr. Svend Raggarsen, direc-tor of the New YorkMetropolitan Museum, onpreparations for Lenin' sarrival .

"We're planning a gala cele-bration to honour Mr. Lenin.All the famous citizens of thi sfair city will be on hand towelcome him. We'll standhim in the corner, and servedrinks.

"We'll have to make sur eeveryone gets good andpissed. We wouldn't wantLenin to feel out of place,what with his greenish pallorand everything. We'll justhave to serve lots of ouzo.That's guaranteed to turn

everyone a nice shade ofgreen . "

Next, Lenin will travel bytrain to Hollywood to markthe placing of his name in theBoulevard of Stars . Fromthere, he will travel toLondon, to celebrate the highsales of the Beatles - Live atthe BBC album . PressSecretary, Josef Gruzinov:

"Music lovers the worldaround vill love the com-memorative plaque, signed byboth Lenin and PaulMcCartney. It vill be a collek-tor's item."

Lenin's final stop beforereturning home will be Paris,where his presence is expect-ed to increase ticket sales atEurodisney.

2

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Monday, February 27, 199 5

Volume 8 Number 11Monday, February 27, 199 5

It's a lousy world. Going postal.

CON'IRUBUTORS OTIIER POSSIBLE LSFS FOR TRLS PAPER

Jay Garcia, John Hallett, Graeme

Parachute material. Wallpaper. StartingKennedy, Blair McDonald, Doug Sewell,

a mid-sized fire. Constructing a bullet-Roger Watts, and Matt Wiggin

proof vest. Blotting up the blood from amultiple slaying. Controlling the minds o f

um snFF the masses . Mattress stuffing. DrawerThe 432 is printed every two weeks by

filler. Stopping a herd of charging ele -» the Science Undergrad Society from our phants . Maybe not the elephants, butCollege Printers of Vancouver, BC

offices in CHEM 160. All rights reserved.

how 'bout a herd o' charging lemmings ?

FDIOOR

Blair McDonald

ASSISTANT EDITORS

Graeme Kennedy, Roger Watts, Joh nHallett

If there's anything I've learned overthe last few years, it's that you can' t

please everyone.I guess that's to be expected, since at

least 5000 people pick up thispaper, and everyone likes dif-ferent things.

Some people out there fond-ly remember the Campu sWars Saga. Dik Miller .Cartoons by Ken Otter.

BlairNowadays, people pick up McDonald

the paper for the sole purposeof reading Roger Watts, Graem eKennedy, and Leona Adams.

I think people will do the same forthe up and coming writers like Ja yGarcia, John Hallett, and Matt Wiggin .

Maybe you picked up this paper toread my words . Maybe you lovewatching me write well-intentionedsarcasm about my girlfriend (who' sgot the patience of a saint) and distrib-ute it all over campus .

By the way, my girlfriend isit0who

always seems to There . Imanaged to get that off my chest, bu tsaved my relationship too . Phew !

Incredibly enough, there's a fewpeople who read the paper for ourcommentaries on life, student politics ,and the meaning of cheese .

There's some people out there, whothought The 432 provided a great per-spective on the general elections andthe Ubyssey Referendum.. In fact, it hasbeen argued that this paper is the onlyone which takes on the role of the"official opposition", and shouldexpand in that direction.

I disagree. Papers are not the officialopposition to governments, althoughthe Globe and Mail, the Vancouver Sun ,and the old Ubyssey would have youthink differently.

Journalists are supposed to write sto-ries filled with balanced opinions fromknowledgeable sources. They are notsupposed to camouflage their opin-ions as psuedo-analysis . They are not

the official opposition to anything.

Since The 432 wrote those pieces o nthe Ubyssey and the elections, we'vebeen accused by some for doing justthat - hiding our personal opinionswith a coating of news .

Now I've got other people encourag -ing me to print more material on stu-dent politics . Where's the proper bal-ance, anyways?

What I'll do is this: still print theopinions of individual writers aboutt o p i c s of their choice. If a s t u d e n t p o l i -

tics is what they choose to poke funof, then that's OK by me.

But I'm not going to let this paperstoop to personal attacks on individu-

als . Sure, I'll make fun of theUnderground, but I'm notgoing to make personal jokeabout the editor. I'll writecover stories about the poli-cies of student politicians ,poke fun at student politi-cians as a group, but I don' tthink it's approriate to single

out anyone in particular . At least notuntil I develop the same sort of work-ing relationships with the ne wExecutive as I enjoyed with the oldExecutive.

You see, Bill knew it was all in fun ,and didn't mind when I put quotes inhis mouth. But the new Executivemight not share that opinion .

But enough about all this politicalcrap, anyways. There's got to be somebetter things in the news to make funof. Let's see . . .

Massive flooding in Europe . Hmm .Country's credit rating under review .Now, that's funny. Just kidding. Whatelse? Murders, rapes, kidnappings .Great material in that, folks . Highschool violence . The war in Bosnia .Tuition increases . . . aaahhhh!

There's nothing funny in thepapers . It's all gloom and doom, theworld's about to end . Why can't news-papers ever write a witty, humourou sstory? Dave Barry just doesn't cut i twith his stories about PopTarts TM andmen's underwear anymore .

Bloody hell . Somebody's got tomake you laugh . Hey! Maybe that' swhy you picked up this paper in thefirst place! Well, lemme tell ya da jok eabout the Pope, the Holy RomanEmpire (neither Holy nor Roman) andthe Polish firefighter . . .here goes. . .

THERE ARE TIMES in your lifewhen you become absolutely

angry. Flamingly torqued. Extremel yenraged . Even just plain old pissed off.Sometimes this state of utterunhappiness can be linked tosomething you did (likewhen you spend severa lhours working late into thenight on your integratio nhomework for Math 101 ,only to discover that you'vebeen referring to the wrongchapter . Or that it's not even due) .More often, though, this is broughtabout by outside agencies and forcesbeyond your control .

One notable example are those inef-fably chipper people who try to chee ryou up when you're down and ou tand just want to be left alone. Youknow who I'm talking about. They'reusually the ones upon whose faceshave been permanently plastered asmile so saccharine that a diabeticcould go into insulin shock with just acasual glance, will come to your aid bytrying to raise your spirits . They meanwell but aren't they immensely irritat -ing? (An aside: where do these peopl ecome from? They're either aliens mas-querading as humans, on proscribe dmedication, or ex-employees fro mDisney World. Or any combination ofthe three).

Or how about when you find outthat, even after spending a night inthe freezing cold camping out in frontof Ticketmaster in the hopes of gettinga halfway decent seat for the R .E.M .concert in May, there are no floorseats left, and no, there aren't evenany in the nosebleeds, as some scalpe rhas already bought the first thirtythousand tickets l. No, this did nothappen to me as I, personally, wasahead of the scalper, but a friend o fmine, some nine people back, did

explain to me, with the use of somevery creative invective, her preciseemotions at that time .

Now, at times like these, it is veryimportant that you vent anystress that you have accumu-lated. Now, this is very impor-tant, as stress is a rather nastything. Too much stress inyour system can make you rhead explode. Or a reasonabl efacsimile thereof.

One good way to getting ri dof stress is yoga, or meditation . Bothof them do wonders for your hear trate and blood pressure, but unfortu-nately, it takes years to master them tothe point wherein you can instantlyrelease yourself of all stress.

Another good, more immediatemethod of venting stress, as ratheraptly demonstrated by my friend, is toswear richly at the object of your irri-tation . This is a time-honoured tradi-tion, probably as old as human societyit is the suspicion of many anthropoi =ogists that the cave paintings inLascaux are actually primitive graffiti ,along the lines of 111101off") .

The most, ah, highly inadvisabl emethod involves grabbing a high-cali -bre rifle, walking up to the roof of atall building, and taking a couple ofpotshots at the source of your irrita-tion. Or any random passer-by, fo rthat matter. This seems to me to be anexcellent method of venting excessstress. It works perfectly well for USpostal workers. I mean, look how wel ladjusted they are . Granted, their co -workers might be feeling a wee bit,urn, airier afterwards, but what's aventilated office-mate in light of risingpersonal stress?

However, many people have point-ed out to me that the maxim of "peacethrough superior firepower" tends tohave rather unfortunate consequencesas whipping out a submachine gu nand firing several bursts into a crow dat the local 7-11 tends to attract thepolice, who tend to have even mor esuperior firepower .

Still, I think that a long stay in apadded cell could be very stress-reliev -ing. . .

1Bonus points if you can identifythe episode of the Simpsons that thi sis taken from .

Jay is currently under psychiatric evalu-

ation . Doctors are considering increasing

his daily dosage of mind-altering sub-stances. We'd like to suggest he simply

cutback on his coffee intake.

SportsRebatesMar 20

JayGarcia

Monday, February 27,1995

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Grok Kennedy: John on Love.Plagiarist

"Now, Dik, you will tell us wher eyou have hidden the film, no?"

"I'm tellin' ya. It's Grok. GrokKennedy. Look, no hat, here bits?" Ithrew them across the room, and theyscampered across to get them"

I grabbed the conveniently locatedwithin arm's reach - artistic licence -guitar and made a deafening, brutalchord.

Wprogress.RESUME our story, already in

Grok Kennedy ha sbeen kidnapped by the notoriou sAggressive Clan of the Timeles sInnovative Obelisk-makers, th eNotorious NOW's, in a bizarre case ofmistaken identity . Let's tunein and see how he's gettin galong

"At last we have the grea tDik Miller! "

"But Dik is dead! Youknow, bus . Big . Bang . Dead .He sort of evaporated . Wehad to identify him by gas-chromatog-raphy."

"Silence !Paaaaay!"

"Look," I stammered, digging twoquarters out of my pocket "How's fourbits?" I threw them across the room ,and they scampered across the floo rlike children . "Shiny! Shiny! Pretty! "

I tried to make a break for it, but myCoke-bottle glasses reflected the dul llight from that standard torture-cham-ber 40-Watt bulb . "Shiny! Pretty! "They had me in seconds.

"Now, can't we talk about this ?There's a whole -er- half Deep Distil,"chocolate cake in it for you if . . .

"Never. We cannot be bribed. 'Sides,we just came from the Colonel's. Now,we will extract the information. Ivan! "

Ivan was about five feet tall, and waswearing sequins . "Ah-one for themoney"

I resisted the first set, but when thesad songs began I folded like my souf-fles. "I'll talk, I'll talk. Do it to Julia! Iused to play with barbies! I have anoutey! Just don't do Love Me Tender! "My un-request was heard.

They huddled in the corner fo rabout five minutes, and then turnedto face me .

"If you are Grok Kennedy, then weknow it is preposterous for you to

have left it with your girl -friend. Ha. Hahahahaa. Wah-hahaha . Girlfriend!Wahahaha! Right! "

Mocking my bachelor statu sseemed to have distracted an dweakened them for the time

Graeme being, so I planned a secondKennedy escape . Leaping to my feet, I

bolted for the only vible exit : the bot-tomless pit, located in the middle o fthe chamber . I lept in, certain that nopit could truly be bottomless . I wasright.

"What are you doing in th eplanter?" asked the head torturer .

"Um, just checking to see if you'reusing 7-0-0 . It gets mossy this time ofyear . "

"With your chest? "Knowing their fondness for ba d

entertainers, I tried yet another des-perate ruse: "Yes, I have very sensitivenip- hey! Is that Li Minelli?" Theyweren't fooled .

"Seize him!" commanded the leader.Several henchmen produced ropes .No, wait a minute : are those tape mea-sures?

"Twenty-eight leg!" shouted one ."Forty waist! "

"Seize him, you idiots! Don't siz ehim. And get his Dik Miller garlic-press/cyclotron/wiffle bat while yer atit. It's in his fanny-pack "

"I'm not wearing a fanny-pack. Areyou saying I have a big butt ?" Idemanded of the leader. .

"Ya, biiig butt . We will find wher eyou hid the pictures of my escapade atthe frat party or you will die! "

Well I just lose it. I snapped. Big butt,eh? When the dust settled, I apolo-gized for the hissy-fit, and cleaned upthe garlic, leaving the unconsciou sbeaurocrats to consider their mistake .

Now I had a mission . A plan. A pur-pose: Dik. I must find Dik! Oh, and

"No musical talent whatsoever! I'm the one-eared man . I must prove myGrok, I tell ya! Not Dik!"

innocence"All right, Grok . What have you

Next week: Grok 'hells' Hitler with adone with the film?"

two-by-four. Derek Miller sues for copy-"Um, I left it with my girlfriend ."

right infringement, and wins a $12 mil-lion settlement out of court .

You will pay. Pay!

The problem of the -universe .

Solution : Get a crane . Turn house right side up.

THIS, ISSUE I WILL write about love .(I know I'm late, but I hate to b e

part of a crowd.)Love is a very strange thing . Every

time you feel it, it's different. In fact,sometimes it's so differentthat it's hard to distinguishfrom a bad case of indiges-tion or, for that matter, amild case of The Plague.

So, what is love? Is it aunique experience that tran-scends our existence as meremortals? Is it a finite set ofchemical reactions in yourhead? Or is it somethin gthat can be bought for $50 onEast Hastings?

It is all of the above. It is everything.Everything is love in some minute wayand love is part of everything . (Prettyabstract, eh? I got that from a bath -room wall on BC Ferries . )

So what is it about this state of mindthat turns mighty giants into blobs ofpliable goo? I think it has somethingto do with the depletion of the ozon ecombined with regular visits by th eGray Aliens from Regulus V. (Don' tacted surprised, we all know they'r ehere .)

Well, it either that or it's women .Both are forces to be contended with.I, myself, am completely clueless whe nit comes to wooing members of th eopposite sex .

Valentine's Day is a sham. On mymost recent Valentine's Day (I'm no ttelling you which one it was cuz timeisn't exactly linear for me .), a goodfriend of mine convinced me to act ona flicker of an emotion I had. Veryquickly I had gathered up the standar dpoem and flower and arranged to hav eit delivered anonymously on th esacred day .

All fine and dandy. .. unless the tar-

get person lives long, long ago in agalaxy far, far away and can't make itto UBC on V-Day because of snow.

"No problem," I thought, "She'll getit Wednesday ." Unless, of course ,

school is closed Wednesdaydue to even more snow.

Now Thursday is only twodays late and would make a nideal date for receiving unemessage de 1'amour . Unless, ofcourse, mid-term break startson that day and continue suntil Sunday.

Now we come to Monday .For sure, the gift will be deliv-

ered although the emotion ha slong been lost . One problem: th eflower is quite unpleasantly andinconveniently dead . So I got my net -work of operatives to replace the damnthing, (Do you sense a little annoy-ance on my part? )

Last Monday the whole thing wa sover and done with, the poem an dflower received and me thinking"Why, exactly, did I do this? "

I have since figured out that myideals are not shared by_my vict. . . er,betrothed one, so the whole exercisewas utterly futile.

What's the moral of John's story ?Don't bother . You'll wind up puttingway too much effort into somethin gthat'll more than likely blow up inyour face and cause you no end o fembarrassment .

A fandango like this is absolutelyunbearable (embarrassment-wise) ,unless you happen to live outside cit ybounds. And thus John falls to hi sever-present back-up plan : Leave th ecity for six months.

The secondary moral of the story:Always have a Plan B. 1 have decidedto pursue my life-long love Dana. I'mcoming for you . You can't hide.

John

Hallett

Bzzr Garden

Friday, Mar 3 @ 4:32pm

Hebb 1 2

Bring your own mug !

"Atomic Friday "

•

Storm the Wall Challeng e

to all Science Clubs

Ideas for prizes, e-mai l

ph yss oc@ph ysics. ubc ca

let's start some friendly

rivalry!

I've turned my house upside down tofind <insert your lost item here>

4

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Monday, February 27, 1995

Election information blurbs . . .All Behmard for Internal Vice President

Jay Garcia for Internal Vice Presiden t

Michelle McLeod for Internal Vice Presiden t

There once was a Rep named Michell eWho thought SUS council so swel l

She ran for Interna lVice Prez, as y'all know,

So vote, or I'll see you in . . .Chem 160 ,right?? ?

Dianna Kyles for Executive Secretory

SUS E

X-I 've got the experience -- I 've got the credentials- I'M committed to be a Science representative

to the AMS Council- I know how to type

SO VOTE FOR THE ONE WHO'LL GET THE JOBDONE!

SUS IDCECIJTIVEGARY= DIANNA KYLES

Orin Del Vecchio for Internal Vice Presiden t

James Li for Internal Vice Presiden t

JAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAME SJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAME SJAMES

JAMESJAMES

VOTE FOR

JAMESJAMES

JAMES LI

JAMESJAMES

INTERNAL VP

JAMESJAMES JAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMES

Fahreen Dossa for Executive Secretory

Tessa Moon for Executive Secretary

nothing submitted for this candidat e

IAJst O‘erbele Yeah yea. Inthebedc fmtaangtoyu .Yotilewtirgfr r

jay GarciaInfernal Vice President

Whymel.knowmywayaaoundSUS,andI einthec ficeanyvwty Besides,Icangaammeethattheneponsfiomthe

'in$be432wiprobeblybefinuierIxxt)es

VOTE ORINInternal V.P.

This space traditionally filled with slogans, promises, credientials an dfeeble attempts at sucking up to get votes . Not this time . Just a brief

public service announcement: Vote Orin, you'll be glad you did .I promise .

The name's Fahreen and the game's you guessed it.I'm a rennin' for secretary.

Experienced? You betcha . Qualified? Undoubtedly. Butbest of all, I've got tons of ideas for tons of fun! ! I have t oadmit, I'm enthusiastic, hardworking, LOVE to party, andyou should defmitely vote for me! So remember, Fahree n

for secretary, and I"LL MAKE SURE you won't regretit. . .

Vote Fahreen !SUS Secretary

Monday, February 27,1995

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. . . or blatant sucks for votes.Bella Carvalho for External Vice Presiden t

Hi!My name is Bella Carvalho, and I'm running for External VP. I 'vebeen given this space to give a spiel about myself, but for lack of cre-ativity, I'll just list my qualifications :

.

I've been involved in SUS since my 1st year, last year as anexecutive

• I am involved with the AMS council, and have attende dnumerous meetings (both as a proxy and voluntarily! )

• I have developed good relations with other undergrad societie s• I have helped put on science week for the past 2 years .• I am dedicated to making next year one of the best ever for

SUS!

So make sure you get out and vote . . .for me!! !

Selina Billesberger for Director of Finance

Guy Davis for Public Relations Officer

Howdy folks . The name is Guy Davis and I'm running ,no. . . more like speed walking for the position of Publi cRelations Officer. ][ never was much for running and thatspeed walking thing looks so silly it just has to be fun . OkayBoys and Girls . . . here's the info: I'm a first year science stu-dent with experience on SUS as Science One Rep . I like mycoffee shaken, not stirred. I love to sail, enjoy procrastina-tion, and believe that studying on a friday night is a cardina lsin. (Unless you're in Honours) Now that you know al labout me, get out there and vote Guy. Gracias Amigos.

Donatella Ciampi for Social Coordinator

All Sadeghi for External Vice President

Deanna Braaksma for Director of Finance

nothing submitted for this candidat e

Anna Carvalho for Public Relations Officer

Matt Wiggin for Social Coordinator

"Matthew has always been such a nice boy; the drugs really did seem tohelp, when he remembered to take them . He was always so very help-ful, taking me to the shops when I needed to pick up a few things, an dhe did make such a wonderful cup of tea . I believe that one of his mostendearing qualities was his perseverance . Matt was rather mediocre atwhatever he pursued, but he never seemed to be phased . He alwayspushed on, refusing to acknowledge his deficiencies . I'll miss MatthewWiggin dearly. If there's a heaven, I hope they bend the rules, and le thim in."

Reprinted from a Eulogy by the Queen Mother .Matthew Wiggin for Social Coordinator. No, really.

"If you don't like someone, the way he holds hisspoon makes you furious; if you like him, he canturn his plate over into your lap and you won't mind."

Just a little something from me to you .

P.S. I have the necessary experience and insight tomake next year the most profitable ever. (for morepersonal info see the Valentine's issue of the 432 .)

ena Billesberfor i

' : FINANCE

DONATELLACIAMPI

for SO CMCO- ORDINATDONATELLA is my name,PARTYING is my game !Vote for meCause I'll make you seeThat life at UBC is more than just adegree!!!

•SUS Council Member 94-9•Finance Committee Membe• Social Committee Member• Familiar with AMS Counci l

S Council Munber 94-95Committee Member 94-9 5

al Committee Member 94-95vious Expetimce in the

:$

Managment Sector

6

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Monday, February 27, 1995

Sucks for non- Favourite Drink .votes.

Tracy MocKinnon for President, acclaimed

No one's running against me! So, barring a large "no"vote, I will be your Science President next year . But rest

assured, I do have some qualifications — I'm currentl ySUS Public Relations Officer and have previously been

SUS 2nd Year Rep and SUS 1st Year Rep . So if youfind yourself at a poll, VOTE YES! And if you want to

get involved in SUS, come by Chem 160 and we'll getyou shackled to the wonderful institution of SUS as

well .

Vote Yes — Tracy MacKinnon for Presiden t

Blair McDonald for Director of Publications, acclaimed

Nareeta Col for Director of Sports, acclaimed

IF I HAVE A staple food, Kool-Aid is posed to . If it were, you 'd think thatit; it comes in a wide variety of they'd at least use some sort of fruit in

flavours, it's cheap (pennies a glass,) making it besides the odd lemon andand I can control the sugar (which, lime used as models for the packaging.coincidentally, is something my par- Kool-Aid tastes like colour . Red tastes

red, regardless of whether it' sRockadile Red, Cherry, or Strawberry.All three of these flavours taste identi-

cal to me, and I'm as close to aKool-Aid connoisseur as i tgets . If, you place a glass ofgreen Kool-Aid to your lipsexpecting to taste green, well,you're now tasting it in theway it's intended to be tasted .Not only will you get findwhat you're looking for, bu tchances are you'll love it (pro-

viding it was mixed with an adequateamount of sugar .) Think of it this way:if you pick up a bzzr or cyder whenyou want a gingerale, you'll be disap-pointed. It's not that these thingsaren't good too, it's just that you'reusing them in the wrong place . Bearthis in mind the next time you're get-ting a drink from the fridge, and you'llbe a whole lot happier.

If you buy everything that I sai dabove, but still don't think Kool-Aid i sa substance worthy of your respect ,give this some thought . The mixing oftaste with colour could be use dexplaining colour to blind people .Most people who are born blind allhave a desire to know what colours ar elike, and rightly so. What better wa yto introduce them to the rainbowthan through Kool-Aid therapy? Feedthem a glass of green, and tell them"that's what green is like ." I know it'snot quite giving them sight or any-thing, but at leas they'd be able toappreciate descriptions involvin gcolour . . .

Give the stuff a chance . It only costsabout forty cents to mix up two litres,and if nothing else, it makes city watertaste better. Finally, I've thrown in acouple of drink recipes involving Kool-Aid. They aren't all original, but theyare good-

Huh?Whadda mean, again?

ents often use to describe my behaviorwhen introducing me to their Mends .)But most of all, I like the colour . Nowa lot of people my age seem

.

to harbour a prejudice againstit, and this really hurts myfeelings, especially since theyhaven't really given it a fairchance . So, I've decided toraise awareness; reducingignorance is the first step inmaking a change .

Most of my friends refuseto drink the stuff, because they're sureit must be toxic, so I feel that I have aresponsibility to defend my favourit efood in this respect. I called up thepeople at Kraft (they make Kool-Aid, )and they assured me that they've donelots of Ld-50 tests on bunnies withthe stuff, and the only way you cankill a mammal with it is to force feedthem the raw powder, shocks them todeath, because it's so sour (if you don' tbelieve me, try eating a package of theunsweetened variety . It probablywon't hurt you . . .) But as far as thetoxicity of the stuff, the . fact is thatonly one or two of the chemicals canactually get into your bloodstream ,and the dye certainly can't . (If i tcould, I'd be green.) Even if it could,how bad could something that gree nreally be for you? Everything else inthe world, with the possible exceptionof chlorine gas is either harmles s(grass) or good for you (spinach.) Whyshould Kool-Aid be any different?

A lot of people don't like Kool-Aidbecause of the way it tastes. . Now thisis a problem of perspective . Granted, ifyou pick up a glass of green Kool-Aidexpecting the taste of freshly squeezedlimes, you're bound to be surprisednot necessarily disappointed, but .cer-

tainly surprised.) See, Kool-aid doesn'ttaste like fruit at all. It's not even sup -

MattWiggin

SUPPLEMENTAL EXAMINATION POLIC Y

Effective now, for the 1994/95 Winte rSession and thereafter, supplemental

examination will no longer be availableany course in the Faculty of Science

(page 250 in the 1994/95 uac Calendar)

Monday, February 27,1995

T H E

F O U R

T H I R T Y - T W O

health sciences nursing family & nutritiona lstudent association= undergrad society sciences undergrad

office$3 000.- for a computer, $2 200.- for a swimsuitmodem, software, and dryer in the ubc aquatic $3 000.- for a coin -internet registration . centre . operated photocopier..we believe that a computer locatedin the woodward library with a mode mand connected to the intemet wouldbe an exciting and useful addition tothe services provided in the woodwardlibrary . this computer would b eavailable for the use of all healthscience students on a sign-up byappointment basis . .

ubc library$3 000.- for a cd-romworkstation in thehumanities and socia lsciences division..cd-rom or online indexes areparticularly useful for student sbecause they permit more powerfu land precise searching. presently thereare five cd-rom workstations inridington room . even with a bookingsystem, students are not always abl eto consult cd-rom sources in a timelyway. an additional workstation will b eof tremendous benefit to studentsensuring timely access to these cd-romwreference tools . .

-the ubcac's faciltiy enhancemen tcommittee has been working hard totry to improve the building's facilitie sand services . this purchase woul dgive many students the opportunit yto dry their swimsuits after use sothat the suit can be carried or storedmore conveniently. •

bachelor of medica llab science class/9 5$3 000.- for the purchaseof a pentium compute rsystem with a colou rmonitor.at present, fifty students are sharing

a 386 system to produce lab reports,assignments, papers, an dpresentation materials . high utilizatio nof this system and the requirementfor an upgrade to take advantage ofcurrent and future communication stechnologies has produced the needfor a second system . the presentsystem is inadequate to accomodateboth winter and summer students ..

'due to the lack of a publicphotocopier in the fnsc building ,making copies is a terribleinconvenience . this would be a giftthat the graduating class could givethat would benefit the upcomin gundergraduates using the fns cbuilding .•

engineeringundergrad society$3 000.- to assist i nfunding the landscaping infront of the newly -renovated cheeze factory.

the cheeze factory is truly a uniqu ebuilding with a very long history fo rengineering students of the past . ourefforts to landscape the area are partof a plan to help keep this campuslandmark a centre for engineerin gactivities for many years to come . .

every member of the

class of 95 is eligible

to vote for four of

these graduating clas s

gift proposals, and t o

one free bzzr .

all students welcome .

theatre student sassociatio n$3 000.- for renovation sto the freddy wood theatregreen room .

artsundergrad society/dean of arts office$3 000.- for a photocopierand a card reader syste m

'the green room at freddy wood

similar to those employedtheatre is used by the many actors

in the libraries . , 'and students in the department as apreparation and design area for the

' buchanan is withpdt a publicall ytheatre's productions. its state of

accesible photocopier, causing a rea lrepair has deteriorated over the years inconvenience-for the many student sand has never received any

in the faculi)/and the other student srenovations work. the tsa proposes

who attend classes in the building .a gift that will give the green room a

the addition of a photocopier coul dfacelift and make it into a usable

be accomodated in c block buchanan,space again .

-as part of the arts computing centre . .

grad class counci l

genera lmeeting

ALMA MATER SOCIETYUBC STUDENT GOVERNMEN T

Guide to Articus.

UPCOMIN G

u a I

1 march 1995

12.00—18 .30

sub ballroom

Doug Sewell Columnis t

IN RECOGNITION of the upcomin gArts Week we thought it might b e

nice to include in The 432 a taxonom-ic identification system for some ofthe Articus species' you may notice oncampus.

Articus englishicusThese common animals can be

viewed in there natural habitat inmany locations . Juvenile specimen sare often seen making espresso a talmost any Starbucks while mor emature specimens can be seen teach-ing English in schools all around theworld. Older specimens are often seenlicking stamps at local postal outlets .Care must be taken with these crea-tures as they have the ability to lea ptall prose with asingle metaphor .Articus finearticus

This species can be identified by

their horned rimmed glasses, ValueVillage clothing, and furry legs . Therenatural habitat includes mostMcDonald's restaurants and extendin gto occasional Burger King locations . I tis suspected that the large number offast food restaurants is in fact a federa lconservation program for these beasts .More intelligent members of thi sspecies are suitable for Pavlovianexperiments. Members of this specie shave a hard time dealing with life andare thus often seen consuming specificwild herbs and fungi in an attempt t oescape from reality.Articus flnearticus emmcarr

This subspecies is known to inhabitGranville Island as well as parts of thedowntown core where they can beviewed busking on street corners.They are also known for their holierthan thou attitude, possibly due to al lthe paint fumes they have inhaled .

Articus philisoficus

This very elusive creature is able t ofree itself from any trap by invokinglarge words first spoken by unknownancestors . Due to social habitat pollu-tion these beasts have been on asteady decline since the 18th centuryand have recently been placed on theendangered species list . Wild pre-serves are presently being developed .A captive breading program has beensuggested but is unknown if such apopulation would be viable .Articus poliscicus

As seen by their species name, thes ecreatures are the chameleons of th eArticus family. They were often beenmiss classified into the scicus familyuntil, on closer inspection, it wasproven that they are as full of hot ai ras any average member of the Articusfamily. The largest BC population isseen in Victoria, where the olde rmembers of a tribe often participate ina ritual called "pork barreling" i nwhich the dominant male gives awaylarge quantities of money in a nattempt to gain loyalty . Currently theWildlife Branch is drafting proposal sto reopen hunting on A . potiscicus dueto large numbers seen at the La wBuilding. Do not closely approachthese animals as they are able to hurldeadly insults vast distances .

SUS Annua lGenera lMeeting

March 9, T:30SUB Partyroo m

•PSA BzzrGarden

Buchanan A2005:00 - later

Friday, March 3•

Pre-Opt AG MMonday, Mar 1 35:30pm WOOD

TBA•

Glasses for the3rd WorldDrop off at

Speakeasy o rSUB 125 D

MondayMarch 64:32pm

T H B

F O U R

T H I R T Y - T W O

Monday, February 27, 1995

Beep. . . "Hi, you've reached Rog. . . "A

NYONE who knows me will tell youthat I am a tough guy to get a hold

of.,that

not exactly sure why this is; it'snot like I spend exorbitant amounts oftime, money or other resources makingsure any attempt at remote contacteludes me. It just happens. Some peopleare to phone conversation what 747s areto airplanes - they canaccommodate 500 people atonce, log as much as thir-teen hours of airtime with -out refuelling, and be foundjust about anywhere . Myaccessibility, on the othe rhand, tends to equate some-what more aptly to that of aStealth bomber. Impossibleto track down and gone before yo uknow it . Some people even deny that Iexist.

In this light, I am often counselled bymy peers on the inherent advantages instepping into the twentieth century andputting the current communication stechnology to good use . Apparently,voice-mail's just not good enough any -more. That, and the fact that mos tsmoke signals tend to violate , newmunicipal clean-air ordinances . At anyrate, it seems that the outside world' ssuccess in establishing a stable link withme rests solely on my acquiring some-thing a little more, shall we say, immedi-ate in the way of getting my attention.

I must admit, I am feeling a littlebehind the times. And not just in themessaging department, either ; I wasmost chagrined to find that NHL '95,while working marvelously on m yfriend's Genesis, performed relativel ypoorly on my Atari . But then again, Pong

ain't no screamin' hell on a Genesiseither, so I guess it averages out . But Idigress .

As I was saying . . . it seems I'm one ofthe last people I know that does no thave a Little Beeping Black Thing hang -ing from my belt . Most of my friends

have at least one sort of LittleBeeping Black Thing on thei rperson at all times. They seemto be divided in to three types :

1) Pagers . These are small ,lightweight, inexpensivedevices designed to inform yo uwhen someone is calling you .Well, okay, that's the theoretica lrationale behind them; they are

in fact intended to look snappyhanging off your belt and make you fee lall decked out and well-equipped likeBatman (mercifully, the rest of the cos-tume is optional) . I actually knew a guyin my biochem lab who told me that h ewore a pager - and I am not making thi sup - "mostly just for cosmetic reasons. "

It tooka while for me to realize that htwas wearing this thing not because h eactually needed to hear from people, butbecause he thought it was cool. Whatshould have given it away was the factthat he was wearing the thing rightsmack front-and-center over his crotchlike a membership badge from the MostImportant Guy In The World Club . But,after thinking about it a bit, I decidedthat it was there most likely because i twas one of those new pagers thatvibrates instead of beeping .

2) Cellular Phones. These little devilsare generally bigger than pagers, an dwith good reason - they're far mor einteresting. As I said, with a pager, you

generally get the Batmanesque feeling o futility-belted readiness to dash off to thenearest phone. But with a c-phone, youget more of a James Bond kind of feel -with a flip of the fingers, plans can bemade and messages relayed withou teven setting down the Martini and get-ting up from the blackjack table, all thewhile secure in the knowledge that allthis wonderful technology is fantastical -ly expensive to use .

The Bond thing also gets carried ove rin the sense that, just by talking on th ephone in the middle of a crowde drestaurant, nearby patrons you've neve rseen before occasionally jump out oftheir chairs without warning andattempt to kill you (or at least preventthe fateful message's successful transmis-sion by shoving the phone up you rnose) .

3) Official Star Trek Tricorder -Generally, anyone who walks aroundwith one of these things on their belt al lday should probably be avoided alto-gether. If you ever happen to see some -one actually talking into one (much lessappearing to hear an answer), grab thefirst guy with a c-phone you see and call .the police .

I'm happy to say that the people Iknow who own one of the above ar egenerally justified in doing so. Of course,now that they've all got one, they al lhave to remember each other's numbers .And I gotta tell ya, they do it in the mostbizarre way imaginable .

Generally, remembering a phon enumber is facilitated by using the letter scorresponding to the numbers on th ephone keypad and spelling out familiarwords with them; for instance, by friend

Frank's office number at the AMS wa sUBC-LIMO (822-5466) . And you're notgonna believe this, but my home phon enumber this summer was - get this -SEX-ITEM . No kidding. You shouldaseen the look on my roommate's fac ewhen he figured it out .

Sadly, we were required to relinquishthis listing when we moved, and weresubsequently relegated to 264-WANK .Doesn't quite have the same ring to it ,does it?

Anyway, the problem with my friendsis that when their numbers don't spel lanything logical, they make up fictionalwords for them, somehow believing tha tthis will make them easier to recall .Things like 266-SNAW . What the hell issnow? And that's one of the easier ones;some of the other ones spell words that,when pronounced, sound more like abad gastrointestinal illness than any -thing else. The first time I heard one ofthem, I wanted to hand the guy a bottleof Maalox .

Don't get me wrong; they're nice peo-ple and all, but they're just not the folkswith which you'd want to, say, playTeam Scrabble for a dollar a point .However, it makes everyday phone dial -ing an adventure in itself, so who's com -plaining?

So I don't know. Maybe I should getone of these things . I have to admit,there's a certain calm serenity in know-ing that I can simply not be found fro mtime to time, but then again, I wouldn' twant to miss anything. So I appeal tothe public - got any advice? Feel free t —call and let me know if you have an ysuggestions .

And don't forget to wait for the beep.

RogerWatts

SCIENCE ELECTION SElections fo r

Internal Vice Presiden tExternal Vice President

Director . of FinanceExecutive Secretary

Public Relations Office rSocial Coordinator

YES/NO for

Presiden tDirector of Publication s

Director of Sports

March 1- 3Poll Booths located in CHEM,

WESB, HENN, SUB, HERB(Mon/Wed), COMPSC► (Tues)

Bring your AMS card to vote

scawcals LECTIONONLY YOU CAN MAKE THE DIFFERENCE