- House 1-19 “ Kids” –

- Visualizing? All right. Well, you’re up, tiger. You feel all right? You look a little pale. - I’m fine.- Does your neck still hurt? - It’ll be fine. - Maybe you should do the two-and-a-half instead. - I’m gonna do the three. - Well, it’s better to nail the two-and-a-half than…- I’m gonna nail the three. - All right. Well, let’s how these senior citizens what a well-coached 12-year-old can do, huh? - Next diver, two-time National Champion, Mary Carter. - Damn it. You can do this, come on. Just… see it. See it. Big jump, pike out, rip it.- What happened? - Oh, my God.- Call 911. We need an ambulance.

- I saw the light on. - It’s daytime. - Yeah, it’s a figure of speech. Always so literal. - Got a new cane.- Yeah. Guy in the store said it was slimming. Vertical stripe.- Why are you here? - Vogler is dead. - What? What happened? - Again, with the literal translation. Vogler, the idea. Mr. Destructo. Mr. Moneybags, bow down before me. He is gone from the hospital. So things can go back to he way they were. - The way they were was kind of weird.- Weird… works for me. - What are you saying? Literally. - I want you to come back. - Why? -Please unclench. You’re not on the clock, and when you do that, I clench, and then it’s a whole thing. - Could you look at your pager? It’s no big deal. Some sort of epidemic. Not my area.- You should go, it’s important. - What I’m doing now is important. - Why do you want me back? - Because you’re a good doctor. - That’s it?- That’s not enough?

- Not for me. Go deal with your plague. - You are in a quarantined area. Please remain calm and stay in line. The doctor will see you shortly. When you see a doctor, you will receive a blue or yellow form. Patients with a blue form must immediately go into the parking lot, where you will be given… - Dr. House. Need you here. - Sorry. A lot of sick people. I might catch something. - A judge at the campus pool center collapsed. LP revealed a virulent form of bacterial meningitis. - Great. You got it diagnosed. You don’t need me. - 2500 people at the pool center were exposed. They’re being bused to all the neighboring hospitals. - That’s a problem with resources, not diagnostics. You know, I’d be completely lost, get in everyone’s way.- Joe. Dr. House doesn’t have a blue slip. No one leaves the quarantine area without a blue slip. You are a doctor at this hospital. Act like one. And… take these. - 102. You have won a trip to the second floor. Next. - All right. No fever, no rash. You’re fine. Take these two pills… and show this blue slip to security on your way out. Next. - Take these, go home, talk to your daughter. - What?- Your pants, your blouse, your scarf, are all freshly dry cleaned. Everything except your jacket. It’s got a smudge on it. Probably two days old. Which means you didn’t know the jacket had been worn. So…either your husband is a cross dresser, or your daughter’s been borrowing your clothes without telling you. Probably wants to look older to get into bars. - I don’t have a daughter. - Next.- So I have it?- Take the yellow form to the second floor. You’re gonna be fine.- I’m gonna die. - It’s treatable. As long as you go to the second floor. Next. - Yeow. - Fever. Does that mean I have it? - Do you have a rash? Come on. - It’s from my new bathing suit. I’ve had it a week. - Yeah. Does your neck hurt? If it does, you hit the trifecta. - It’s nothing. I pulled it trying to do a three-and-a-half tuck. - Where are your parents? - We live in Chicago. I’m here with my coach. I wanted to see what you were writing. - Go like this. - ow. - Go like this.

- Take those pills. The blue slip’ll get you out of here. Next. - You’re coming with me.- You’re gonna need a CT scan. Second floor. Take the elevators, follow the parade. Next. Maybe it’s something systemic. - Or maybe it’s meningitis. - She’s had the rash a week. If it was this meningitis, she’d be dead by now. - You guys figure we’re done down there? The 800 people milling around are just waiting for the bathroom? - 12-year-old female… fever, rash, neck pains, not meningitis. - It’s the definition of meningitis. - Sure. Pus in the spinal canal makes it hurt to move your head up and down, but her neck only hurts moving side to side. - Oh, side to side. - Doesn’t fit. - The three of you, lobby. Now.- Those little pills you’re passing out so efficiently aren’t going to do Miss Louganis squat. - You just don’t wanna deal with the epidemic. - That’s right. I’m subjecting a 12-year-old to a battery of dangerous and invasive tests to avoid being bored. Ok, maybe I would do that, but I’m not. If it turns out she’s got meningitis, you’re right, you win. But if we go back downstairs and she dies, your face will be so red. - You have one hour.- Get a lumbar puncture. Some brain infections can be pretty clever at hide and seek. - I’ll get on her blood work.- No, you won’t. You, sir, will research all the causes in the universe of neck pain. - The list is, like, two miles long. - Start with the letter A. And put her on Rifampin. - Rifampin is for meningitis. You just said… - In case I’m wrong. It has happened. - Brenda, I need a CBC Chem 7 in 2046. - Hold on. - Hey, hey. There’s a line here.- That’s why I said, excuse me. Brenda, I need a bed and.. - We all need stuff.- Push me again. Brenda, I need a bed and a nurse for a lumbar puncture. - No beds, no nurses, for at least four hours. - I’ve only got one. - Your patient only has an hour to live unless she gets a lumbar puncture? - Cuddy only gave us an hour to work on the patient. - Back of the line.

- This Novocain will numb you for the lumbar puncture. I’m sorry this has to be so public, Mary. - Normally, I’m in a bathing suit with 5000 people staring at my butt. I can block this out. - These kids are all very mature. Travel around the country from event to event. - ok, I want you to hold your knees and tuck your head. - Like a dive? - Exactly. Good. Great. Don’t forget to breathe.- Sorry.- Gees. Coach, help me out here. Paly a little defense before I poke the wrong thing. Ok. Here we go.- Now I feel…ow… I feel…I feel…ow. - Relax. Try to relax, Mary. Try to relax.- What letter are you up to? - A.- Torture coming through all that stuff, aint it? Real dull. Awful. - It’s no problem. -Well, thank goodness. A lot of people would resent having to do this. - Where’s the 12-year-old girl that was here?- Needed the gurney. - She just had a lumbar puncture. She’s not supposed to be moved. - Sorry, we needed the gurney. - Hey.- Hey.- You ok How’s your head feeling? - She’s got a headache, and she’s dizzy. - She shouldn’t have been removed after the procedure. I’m sorry. - I’m fine. What did the tests show? - No meningitis and no other infections. - But you’re not carrying a blue form? I have something else, don’t I? - Something’s causing your symptoms. We’re gonna keep you here overnight. I know it’s a little crazy in here, but hopefully, it’ll settle down and we’ll be able to get you a room. - I’m sorry. I’m not usually all emotional like this, I just… - You’re doing great. Your folks land in a few hours. - I just haven’t slept. I’m so tired. Oh, my God, my eye’s bleeding. What is it? What’s happening? - Oh, don’t worry. The antibiotic we gave you in case you had meningitis can turn your tears reddish. That’s not blood. But that… that’s blood. - That’s going into my stomach? - The lavage showed blood in your GI tract. We need to find where it’s coming from. You won’t feel it. I’m gonna numb the back of your throat, and Dr. Foreman is gonna

five you a sedative. Open. Swallow. Now lay on your side for me. And… here we go. Yell fire or something. - People, this area is highly contagious. Please step back. Highly contagious. - Try and relax, this won’t take long. - I don’t see any tears or lesions. - All right. I’m in the stomach. It’s not bleeding. - There’s more than a tablespoon of blood in her mouth, so it’s gotta be there. Maybe her small intestine. - 30 feet of digestive tract. It could be anywhere in there. We’re not going to see it with this. Believe it or not, this… is a camera. Swallow it, and it goes all the way through your system. The antennae pick up the signal from the pill. Then we look at the video of your intestines, See where the blood is coming from. Fix it. All right? Water. Down the hatch. - I think I’ve seen this movie. The ending’s kind of dark. You want one? How come you did the endoscopy? - He asked for help. - Her blood pressure was high, I was worried… - Foreman is not your boss. When I tell you to do something… whoa, hold it there. Back it up a couple of frames. Oh, yeah. That’s your money shot. - I don’t see anything. - Really? Gynormous thing on the right side of her intestine. It doesn’t intrigue you? - Does ginormous mean really big, or really, really small? Cause I don’t see anything. - There? The dieulafoy? - Well, we can burn off the swollen blood vessel, but it still doesn’t account for her other symptoms. - No, but it does tell us something. Though I have no idea what. - Could be a precursor to intestinal intussusception. - Precursor isn’t causing all her other symptoms. What else? - You, in the lobby, now. - I hurt my leg. I have a note. - You had your hour. Three, actually. - Dr. Chase, I told you to tell us when our time was up. She has intestinal bleeding. - She’ll wait. Two more buses just arrived. We need you downstairs. - No, you need more nurses. But you cut back on the nursing staff, so now you’ve got doctors doing what nurses should be doing. - That’s true. I wonder if that has anything to do with you costing us $100 million. - Go, be free. - It’s not the intussusception. What about stomach cancer? - Does she have any abdominal pain? - No.- Then it’s not stomach cancer. You ruled out sepsis? - The LP and blood smears showed no signs of infection. Here, take these two pills and you can go.

- Lab’s working at double their capacity. Maybe someone screwed up. - No fever, no neck pain. Take the elevator to the third floor. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wrong form. No fever, no neck pain, she’s fine. - Smell her hair. No chlorine. Which means she wasn’t in the pool. Which means she’s come to a quarantined area because she’s an idiot or she’s insane. No one is that stupid. Easy wing. Psych ward. Bye-bye. - Neck pain could be a symptom for bone cancer. - You up to the Bs? Well done. - It would account for all her meningeal symptoms…. Rash, fever.. You’re fine. Take these two pills. - Get a sample of her bone marrow. - From here?- Break time. - We need more than 15 minutes. - Use Chase’s break too. Go.- You should just fire Chase. - What, and miss out on all this fun?- So you’re gonna torture him for a while and then fire him? That’s cold.- You don’t think he has it coming? - Hey. I said fire him. - That’s cold. All he did was save his job. - What? He completely screwed you over. - Right rudder. Bank, bank, bank. - Good coffee? The rest of this hospital is busting its tail and you’re… What are you doing? - Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods. - I am working. It got hot. Stop acting like a 13-year-old.- Sorry. It’s just you don’t usually see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine. - Oh, women can’t be heads of hospitals? Or just ugly ones?- No. They can be babes. It’s just you don’t usually see their fun bags. - Your 3:00 interview for Dr. Cameron’s position is in your office. - I’m not interviewing today. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s this big-time epidemic. Many sick people. Puking in hallways. It’s crazy. - I’ll send the interview home. We can reschedule. - No, you won’t. You will interview this person, and if he can put two sentences together, you will send him to the lobby where he will do his job. Unlike the two of you.- Come on. You know I can’t do a bone marrow aspiration in the hallway. - And I can’t give you a procedure room. - I just need something at least close to a sterile environment. - I need ten more nurses. - Brenda, listen, listen. She’ll die. - At least she’ll have a bed then. Put that over there.

- Are there dead people in those cabinets? - I hope that’s who’s in there. Just be calm, relax. - Ow. Ow. Ow. - Hang on. - You know, I really admire the way you don’t care what anyone thinks. You just do what you want the way you want. - So you went to Hopkins for both undergrad and med school? - That’s right.- He’s in a band.- You’re into music? - Totally. What kind of music do you play? - Mostly blues. You know, James Cotton, some original stuff. - Oh, dude, you are so hired. - Really?- Not a chance. - Why? - Tattoo. - Wow. I thought you’d be the last person to have a problem with non-conformity. - Non-conformity, right. I can’t remember the last time I saw a 20-something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker. You wanna be a rebel? Stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does and get a haircut. Like the Asian kids that don’t leave the library for 20-hour stretches. They’re the ones who don’t care what you think. Sayonara. - So should I go through all the resumes looking for Asian names? - Actually, the Asian kids are probably just responding to parental pressure, but my point is still valid. - So when do they think you’re getting out of here? - They don’t know. - You don’t look sick. - Better hope you’re not. This equipment looks like it’s 100 years old. - Just got it out of storage. It is the previous generation, but it works just fine. Could you… could you guys give us a sec? - If it’s good news, you can tell them. - ok. We’re…we’re pretty sure it’s not cancer. - Hey, that’s great. - I’ll call your parents. - Well, we still can’t release her. We still don’t know… what exactly causing… Mary?- What’s wrong? - She’s having an absence seizure. Mary? You ok? - She looks fine. - I need some help over here. Push 2mg of Ativan, stat.- Are you sure it was an absence seizure?

- Absolutely. She was totally unresponsive and unaware of what was going on around her. - Do you mind? We’re trying to work. - We should get back out there. Cuddy’s gonna be looking for us. - Looking, but not finding. Did you do an EEG?- Seizure frequency’s increasing. They’re almost constant now. Five in the last half hour. - Which tells us… - It’s definitely in her brain. - And it’s getting worse. - And? Good Lord, are you having a bowel movement or a baby? - Could be barbiturate withdrawal. - No, it can’t be drugs. She’s tested at every meet she competes at. - A bleed in the brain could cause seizures. - Rat poison. Could also cause the neck pain. - You think she’s eating off the floor of her folk’s garage?- She doesn’t have to be. - Who would poison a 12-year-old? - Well, let’s see now, there’s the 18-year-old has-been she best out to make nationals, the has-been’s parents, jealous siblings, sociopathic swim fan, and then there’s just your plain old garden variety whack-job. Hey. You know what a hemorrhoid is? - No. - Well, Google it. And try some raisin bran instead of the donuts. We’re gonna do a CT scan. Check for intracranial bleeding. - Not a chance. Radiology’s totally swamped. - Well, if our patient’s bleeding into her brain, she’s gonna be dead in 8 hours. - She could be. But a meningitis patient will be without a CT scan. - When I was in med school, I had this old professor… - Who touched you in the naughty place? - Before the CT scan was introduced, he specialized in transcranial ultrasound. - Ancien, but if there’s enough bleeding, it might work. Ok. Do what the guy who didn’t specialize in neurology said. - It was my idea. - Nyeh nyeh nyeh You’ve still got to cover Q and Z. Sorry I’m late. I was taking a dump. - I’m guessing I’m better off interviewing right after than right before. - Dr. Petra Gilmar, Dr. Gregory House. - You actually speak four languages, or you’re just banking on never being interviewed by anyone who does? - It’s true. And I can swear in two more. - Why are you leaving Dr. Hazel? Did you fall for him and can’t handle it? Or was it the other way around?

- Yes, well, pretty much every fellowship ends that way. - No, it was nothing like that. - You Jewish? - Yes.- Is it true what they say about Jewish foreplay? - Two hours of begging? - I heard four. - Well, actually, I’m only half Jewish. Look, I know you like to play games with people. I know you like to say outrageous things and study how they react. What you should know about me, is that I grew up with four brothers. Keep your hands to yourself, I’m ok with anything that comes out of your mouth. - Well, that’s great. I think that’s all we need. Thank you for coming by. - Thank you. - That’s our Hitler.- No way. - Are you kidding? Her background’s perfect, she’s smart, she can obviously deal with your insanity. - You see her shoes?- Her shoes? What, did your Horoscope in Vogue tell you to avoid women wearing green shoes? - The eyes can mislead, a smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth. - They were Prada. Means she has good taste. - They were not Prada. You wouldn’t know Prada if one stepped on your scrotum. - ok, well they were nice, pointy. - Exactly. They were stylish. And very painful to wear. Only an incredibly shallow, insecure woman would rather be in pain all day long than wear a decent looking comfortable shoe, and that’s exactly the type I don’t need around here. - No, someone who can handle a lot of pain is exactly the type you do need. - Excuse me.- What are you doing?- I’m ultrasounding your head. You’re still having seizures. This should help us figure out what’s going on. - Blue form to the security guard.- You’re not gonna be happy with anyone. - So what, your advice is… hire someone I’m not happy with and be happy? - No, my advice is much more subtle. Stop being an ass. You always find some tiny little flaw to push people away. - Now it’s people. I thought we were talking about fellowship applicants.- You have a history of this.- Well, when I do decide to push you away, I hope there’s a small person kneeling behind you so you fall down and hurt your head. - Take these. There’s water over there. Blue forms to the guard, and you’re done. You had the perfect person… and you blew it.

- You saw the shoes. - I’m not talking about her. - You’re talking about Cameron. - I’m talking about every woman you’ve ever given a damn about. - Cameron is so not perfect. - Well, nobody’s perfect. - Mother Teresa? - Dead. - Angelina Jolie? - No medical degree. - Now who’s being picky? - You’re gonna wind up alone, House. - You were right. There’s a significant bleed in her temporal lobe. - But no poisons. Did tox screens on her blood, urine, and hair. Nothing. Did them twice. - He’s a little dehydrated. Put him on a saline drip and give him some orange juice. - I need an operating room, and a neurosurgeon. - Oh, well, given the current crisis, I’m tempted to say no, but since you’ve been so sweet to me today…- Our little mermaid is bleeding into her temporal lobe. - How fast can you have her prepped? - 20 minutes.- We’ll have a surgeon and the room in ten. - Mr. and Mrs. Carroll? - Are you Dr. House? - This is Dr. Foreman.- Is Mary all right? - The operation went well. The intracranial pressure’s been relieved and the swelling’s already going down. - Thank God.- Well, what happened? I mean, did she bang her head at a meet ,or did she… - No, nothing like that. - Then why is she bleeding? Is she gonna be all right? - We’re sorry, we still don’t know. - No toxins, no tumor, no bone cancer. - Renal failure could cause the rash, fever, and muscle pain. Maybe it’s some sort of genetic kidney disorder. - No family history. And no blood in her urine, or uremia. - Not yet.- You wanna do a differential based on symptoms that might happen? - You got a better idea?

- Stop it. Stop looking for things we don’t know and focus on what we do know. What do we actually know, besides what’s up there? Come on. How hard can it be to tell me what you already know? - She’s 12. She pends a lot of time in pools. - Exposure to chemicals. - She travels a lot. - But never out of the country. - Well, what else? Come on. We’re missing something. -What?- If I knew that, I wouldn’t be missing. - Maybe she’s adopted and we’ve got the wrong history. - No, she’s got her mom’s eyes and a red patch of hair just like Dad. - What about an allergic reaction? - It could explain the rash and muscle pain, but probably not the bleeding or seizures. - That’s a lot of balloons. - You think she’s allergic to polyester? - Not unless she’s been competing in the nude all these years. - Then…what are you thinking? What do the balloons mean? - What if the rash… isn’t a rash? - What are you talking about? - Who gave her the balloons? - Some of the girls from her team. They’ve been visiting her pretty regularly, but none of them are sick. - What about the guys? - None of them are sick either. - Which guys visited her? - Actually, none. - She’s cute, she’s nice, she’s a kick-ass diver. You would think that guys would be falling over themselves to get close to her.- She’s 12. The youngest guy on the team is 16. - ok, so maybe they’re just not interested. Or…- They’re avoiding her. - Were there any cell fragments in her blood smear? - No. Red blood cells were intact. - Check them again.- House was right. The blood looks like it’s been put through a blender now.- You done yet?- You were right. - Rash wasn’t a rash. She’s bleeding into her skin. It’s purpura.- Thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura? - Starts with T. You were so close.

- What could have set it off? She had no traces of E.coli in her cultures. She’s obviously not menopausal, so no estrogen. - There is one other possible cause. - Oh, God. - Pregnancy causes all kinds of chemical and biological changes in a woman’s body. Or a girl’s body, as the case may be. In extremely rare cases, everything goes haywire. It’s called TTP. Your blood starts clotting like crazy, clogs the vessels in your brain and kidneys. Your red blood cells end up getting shredded as they squeeze past the clot like a fat guy in a crowded bar. I’m sure you know what that’s like. I mean, you’re only 12, but you’re all grown up, right? Travel on your own, hang out in hotel rooms, getting room service with your teammates. Maybe someone sneaks in a couple of beers, start playing Spin The Bottle. Next thing you know, you’re waking up with nothing on but your socks. - It wasn’t like that. - Of course not.- You wanted to.- Yeah. I did. He turned out to be a jerk, but… - Actually, under New Jersey law, the term is felon. - I knew what I was doing. - We’re gonna have to do something called plasmapheresis. Cleans the antibodies from your blood. Or else we’re gonna have to terminate the pregnancy. - You gonna tell my parents? - Someone should. Rock, paper, scissors. - They don’t need to know. I’ll be all right. - Of course, you will. I mean, if you’re old enough to bleed out of your vagina, then obviously, you’re mature enough to handle a simple thing like an abortion without Mommy and Daddy’s help. - You’re gonna tell my parents? - Under New Jersey law, you’re the boss. Your daughter has TTP. Don’t worry, it’s curable. She’ll be fine. - Well, wait, I mean, what does TTP stand for? - Some really big words that you’ve never heard before, and when we’re done, will never hear again. Have a nice day.- Well, when can we take her home? - In a few days. She needs some minor surgery to remove the underlying cause before we can do the… another really big word. - What’s the underlying cause? - She has an abnormal growth in her abdomen. - What kind of surgery? - It’s very simple. We do it here all the time. - Could you be a little more specific? - Actually, no. I’m sorry.- You’re doing good.

- Feeling ok? - Yeah.- You should be. Your platelet count’s up. - How’s your neck? Looks good. Anything else we can get you? - No, thanks. - ok.- Yeah. Can I see my mom and dad?- Plasmapheresis is working. She’s gonna be fine.- I know. - I can’t even tell you how much I appreciate the opportunity to meet with you. The moment I heard you had another fellowship opening, I… - There is no opening. - House. You have to fire someone.- I know. The position’s been filled. - Why am I interviewing for a position that’s already been filled? - Exactly. - I called to confirm the interview this morning. - You figure if you keep arguing, I’m gonna cave, admit it’s all a lie, and hire you? - Do you need your parking validated?- I don’t wanna interview anyone else. - You’re interviewing? I thought you’d just have them send a headshot along with their CV. - Ha. That’s good. And why I need you around. To keep me in my place. - I can’t come back. I told you that. - I wasn’t listening. - Right.- You want me to listen to you more? I can do that.- Right. I already accepted a position somewhere else. - With who?- Yeuell. At Jefferson. - Un-accept it. - Why?- Because Yeuell is boring. He’s pedantic and preachy. He’s short. Because I want you to come back.- Not…good enough. - Want more money? A car allowance? Better parking space? - Dinner. And not just a meal between two colleagues. A date.- You’ll come back to work… if I go out on a date with you?- Yes.- ok. It’s a deal. - See you tomorrow morning.- Don’t be late. - I won’t.