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EMOTIONS AT WORK

Managing your emotions at work will help you succeed in any field. That’s because today’s workplaces are constantly changing — the result of mergers, reorganizations, individual job changes, and more —

and change can intensify strong emotions.

To handle change well, all of us need to understand and know how to handle our emotions, says Daniel Goleman, author of Working with Emotional Intelligence. When we manage our emotions, we’re better able to cope with job pressures such as adjusting to a new boss or co-worker, working on a team, or handling a conflict with a customer. Susan David from the Harvard faculty and her co-author Christina Congleton, writing in the Harvard Business Review, have recently popularized the term “emotional agility” to describe successful self-management of emotions. They write that all healthy human beings have an inner stream of thoughts and feelings that includes criticism, doubt, and fear. It’s how we manage them that counts.

Emotions at Work 1-4

Learning to Forgive 5-7

Learning to be More Assertive 8-10

IN THIS ISSUE:

Q1 NEWSLETTER | 2017

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SIX HARD-TO-HANDLE EMOTIONS The range of emotions we may have at work is enormous. During a five-minute presentation to your manager, you may have moments of feeling worried, proud, relieved, and happy, and your boss might have a variety of feelings as well. In fact, whether or not we are aware of it at work, we are constantly moving from one emotional state to another, and certain feelings present extra challenges.

Six hard-to-handle emotions that all of us need to know how to manage, according to research at Ohio StateUniversity, are frustration, worry or insecurity, anger, feeling “down,” dislike, and shame and embarrassment.

1. FRUSTRATION

Frustration and irritation are common in today’s workplaces, with about 75 percent of surveyed workers reporting that they feel frustrated at work. These feelings may result from:

• A lack of resources, affecting our ability to perform well

• A co-worker’s poor work that is undermining our own

• Limited opportunities for promotion, making us feel stuck in our jobs

• Cancellation of a promising project that we are leading

• A difficult manager who ignores our suggestion for a process improvement

Frustration, especially chronic frustration, needs to be dealt with early, or it can spiral into anger, a much more difficult emotion to control.

2. WORRY OR INSECURITY

Change — and the uncertainties that come with it — can make us feel nervous or insecure at work and affect our self-confidence. Changes that cause worry may include:

• Hearing a new rumor about downsizing

• Finding out a new manager is going to lead the team

• Having to adjust to challenging new technology

• Being assigned to a new project or area of responsibility

• Learning the company may merge with another company

Learning to cope with the emotions these changes inspire can help you feel more in control in uncertain times.

3. ANGER

People who don’t know how to manage anger often slam doors and yell. But anger takes many forms, and most are not physical. Workers may show their anger by:

• Being excessively critical of others

• Berating or bullying others

• Being abrupt and dismissive

• Being cynical and sarcastic

• “Getting even” or sabotaging other people’s work indirectly — for example, by being consistently late to meetings, responding late to messages, or not sharing information

Anger can be a sign of fear, insecurity, depression, or even substance abuse. Unless it is managed, it can be misdirected toward inappropriate targets. You might, for example, take your anger out on a partner or child when you’re upset about something that happened at work. And unmanaged anger has costs — in productivity, team relationships, and physical and emotional well-being. It is often a sign of a serious problem that needs to be addressed.


4. FEELING “DOWN”

Everyone feels “low” or has a bad day now and then. When we feel down, we may:

• Have low energy

• Worry more than usual

• Feel distracted or guilty about time away from family and friends

• Feel disappointed or unhappy

• Just not feel up to doing a full load of activities

Feeling down can be a response to a setback, such as not being recognized for an achievement at work, or feeling overloaded. Some people feel down after finishing a big or exciting project and returning to more ordinary tasks. Others feel low because of situations in their personal lives. Most people bounce back from these occasional “blues.” But if it persists, feeling down can interfere with your productivity and your relationships with co-workers. A prolonged period of feeling low, or having feelings of worthlessness and despair, can be a sign of depression, which requires professional help. If you have felt down for a long time, you can start getting help by contacting your employee assistance program (EAP) or the program that provided this publication.

5. DISLIKE

From time to time, all of us must work closely with, or even report to, someone we dislike. Examples could be:

• A demanding boss who rarely thanks employees for a job well done

• A co-worker who doesn’t pull her weight

• A customer who speaks rudely to you

All of us need to find ways to work effectively and productively with people we dislike, without letting our emotions affect our actions.

6. SHAME AND EMBARRASSMENT

According to researchers cited by Psychology Today, embarrassment often comes from instances of tripping and falling, spilling drinks, ripping pants, having one’s private thoughts or feelings disclosed, accidental belching, receiving undesired attention, forgetting the names of others, saying something you later think was stupid, and so on. You can probably remember an embarrassing situation, since embarrassments are so common and, unfortunately, well remembered.

Embarrassment is related to shame and can harm your self-confidence. Shame might follow a critical performance review or a public reprimand from a manager. We can also feel chronic shame, believing that we are fundementally flawed and inferior. We can feel different intensities of shame or even humiliation.

Some people repeatedly replay an embarrassing event in their minds. Learning to forgive yourself and move on is the key to managing shame and embarrassment.


WAYS TO MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONS AT WORK

You can take steps to become more aware of your emotions and to manage them more effectively.

• Recognize your emotions in their early stages, before they feel out of control. By reviewing your day’s activities and the feelings they caused, you may discover the source of difficult feelings at work. But it may take practice to recognize your real feelings. There’s a strong body of research that shows the ability to be recognize and name your feelings will protect you from having outbursts in the future and will improve your relationships. Ask trusted friends and mentors for help learning to recognize and name your feelings.

• Be aware that different cultures and ethnic groups feel and show emotions differently. One group may encourage the open show of anger, for example, while others teach members to contain their feelings. Be aware of the norms around you in your workplace.

• Learn to express your emotions in healthy ways. Have strategies for dealing with difficult feelings in ways appropriate for work. If your anger or frustration with slow office computers keeps getting the better of you, consider what you could do differently in the future. You don’t need to pretend you’re thrilled with the situation, but you do need to keep strong emotions from undermining your performance or relationships with others. Kerry Patterson’s books Crucial Conversations and Crucial Confrontations have tips on managing difficult emotions even when talking about difficult subjects.

• Consider giving appropriate feedback to clear the air. For example, if a co-worker has said something offensive in a meeting that’s bothering you, you could decide to talk with the person about it, preferably soon after the event and in private. Be matter-of-fact and focus on what was said or done and how it made you feel, without attacking the person. Remember, even though expressing your emotions can be useful, it’s never appropriate to yell at or demean others at work.

• Think about how you managed a problem in the past. If an event at work — like a conflict with a co-worker or an unusually stressful workload — is triggering an emotional challenge, consider how you overcame a similar problem in the past. What worked? What didn’t?

• Write it down. This can be especially helpful if a problem is keeping you awake at night. If you are having an ongoing conflict with a co-worker, you might write: “Every time we talk, even about unimportant things, we end up arguing. Maybe I did something to offend him once but don’t know it. Maybe ask him out for lunch and find out.” This can help you come up with strategies and keep the problem from distracting you.

• Seek support from your EAP. Talking with a professional can help you explore ways to manage your emotions more effectively.

• Build your emotional resilience. Pay attention to your physical and mental well-being. Eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise regularly. All of these will help you find the energy you need to meet emotional challenges. This will help to keep you emotionally resilient and to feel more in control of your emotions and your life.

• Use your vacation time. Taking time off helps to buffer job stress, research has found. A vacation can also allow you to pull back and gain a fresh perspective on work stress and possible ways to ease it.

• Maintain support systems outside of work. Talking about your concerns with close friends or your partner can reduce your anxiety and help you keep problems in perspective. Choose someone you trust who knows you well enough to give you honest feedback.

• Cultivate interests outside of work, including activities with good friends. Remember, not all satisfaction comes from work accomplishments.

Learning to manage challenging emotions at work takes effort, but the payoff is big. When we deal with problems before they overwhelm

us, we can contribute more to our team and gain a greater sense of control and effectiveness — both at work and outside of work.


LEARNING TO FORGIVE

Most of us have times when we need to forgive others or need them to forgive us. Being able to forgive helps us release negative feelings and improve relationships. Whether you’ve had an argument with

your partner or another family member or have experienced a rift in your relationship with a friend or co-worker, being able to forgive others, or to ask for forgiveness, isn’t always easy, especially if you’ve been hurt badly by someone’s words or actions. But forgiveness is a skill that can be learned. The process begins with forgiving yourself and showing that you are sincere about forgiving someone else or wanting that person to forgive you.

WHAT IS FORGIVENESS?Some people think of “forgiveness” as strictly a religious word. And most spiritual traditions do see forgiveness as a virtue.

But you don’t have to be religious to benefit from learning how to forgive others or to ask for their forgiveness. That’s because forgiveness is a way to avoid “getting stuck” in painful emotions after others have hurt you or you have hurt them. Forgiveness doesn’t mean saying things you don’t feel or burying any anger or resentment you do feel. Instead, it means acknowledging your feelings honestly and letting go of any negative emotions that are keeping you from making peace with yourself and others.

You don’t need to be carrying a major grudge or grievance to benefit from developing the ability to forgive others or to ask for forgiveness. Some research suggests that people can ease stress and feel more peaceful by learning to forgive even small slights or offenses, such as someone cutting in line or failing to say “thank you.”

“FORGIVENESS IS NOT AN OCCASIONAL ACT; IT IS A

CONSTANT ATTITUDE— MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.

.”


• Forgive yourself. It’s easier to forgive people if you first forgive yourself for how you may have contributed to a problem or hurt others. Forgiving yourself will help you take the focus off who’s “right” and who’s “wrong” and accept that conflicts are a two-way street. Forgiving yourself is also a good way to “practice” forgiveness.

• Be honest about your own feelings. It’s important to acknowledge all your feelings, whether you’re experiencing anger, hurt, or resentment. Give yourself time to work through these emotions before you try to forgive. Writing about how you feel in a journal may help you release these emotions.

• Identify what’s bothering you. Look beyond any surface anger you feel and define what’s really upsetting you. If you can’t forgive a friend or relative for a comment made a long time ago, ask yourself why the remark hurt so much. Did you see the comment as a sign that the person didn’t care about you? Did it come when you were under a lot of stress? Were you upset that the person didn’t apologize? Identifying what’s bothering you can help you gain perspective on the issue and explain it clearly to others who may see the situation differently.

• Talk about what happened with someone you trust. An inability to forgive may result from misunderstanding someone’s motives or actions. You may feel sure that someone meant to hurt you, when the person didn’t intend to do that at all. Try describing the situation to a neutral observer you trust and admire. Ask for honest feedback and a different point of view about what happened.

• Realize that you can forgive behavior without condoning it. You don’t have to approve of someone’s actions to forgive him or her. You may never be able to condone certain kinds of behavior. But you can stop blaming the other person for what happened or allowing it to interfere with your life. Your goal isn’t to get justice, but to move forward with a sense of peace.

• Take responsibility for your own peace of mind. Even if someone hurt you badly, you can choose how you respond to the injury. If you’re still upset about an incident that occurred years ago, it’s probably not the incident itself that’s causing your current unhappiness, but may be related to another hurtful situation. Choose to respond in a way that will help you move forward.

• Use stress-management techniques. Learning to manage stress can help you gain perspective on someone’s actions. Take a short “time out,” breathe deeply, or go for a 15-minute walk when you feel upset about what’s happened. Or take a gentle yoga or meditation class on a regular basis.

• Accept that you can’t control other people’s actions. An inability or unwillingness to forgive can result from a desire to control other people’s actions. You may feel someone won’t change if you forgive what happened. But people won’t change unless they want to change. You may need to adopt a “live and let live” policy to be able to truly forgive others or have them forgive you.

• Realize that you can forgive even if you can’t forget. You may be able to take a “forgive and forget” attitude toward small injuries, but you may never forget some actions that hurt you badly. And you don’t need to forget them to forgive them. You just need to decide that you’re not going to allow the past to affect your happiness right now.

• Be sincere. If a dispute affects others, such as relatives or co-workers, you may face a lot of pressure from those individuals to forgive the offender. But true forgiveness comes from within, and a gesture of reconciliation won’t work if someone can see that you don’t mean it. Instead of pretending to feel things that you don’t feel, think about what you can sincerely say or do. For example, even if you believe the other person was at fault, you may be able to say truthfully, “I’m sorry that we’ve been out of touch” or “I’ve missed talking with you.”

Perhaps the most important benefit of forgiveness is that it can reduce levels of anger and resentment. Learning to forgive can help you stop blaming others for the pain that you feel and start looking at your experiences in a new way.

• Less stress

• Fewer hurt feelings

• Lower blood pressure

• Less depression

• More self-confidence

• An increased sense of physical well-being

• Greater feelings of hope

STEPS THAT CAN HELP YOU FORGIVE OTHERSIf someone has hurt you badly, you may feel that you can never forgive that person or what happened. But experts believe that everyone has the ability to forgive. Even if you’ve been feeling angry or resentful for a long time, you can take many steps to set in motion the process of forgiveness.

BENEFITS OF FORGIVENESS:


Talk to a therapist or other counselor if you can’t forgive an old injury that is interfering with your work, relationships, or enjoyment of life. Exploring why it’s hard to let go of a grudge may help you see the situation differently. Your employee assistance program (EAP) may be able to help you find a therapist.

Learning to forgive others will help you avoid dwelling on old hurts and move forward with a greater sense of peace. Forgiveness can also have other physical and emotional benefits. One of the best ways to acquire the skill is to start by forgiving yourself for actions you regret and making a sincere effort to avoid them in the future.

ASKING FOR FORGIVENESSYou can make it easier for others to forgive you by taking these steps:

• Ask promptly for forgiveness. Don’t wait to apologize until you can find the perfect words. This may cause feelings of anger or resentment to fester. Make an immediate apology such as, “I’m so sorry I lost my temper. Please forgive me.”

• Follow up when it’s appropriate. If you did something you especially regret, you may want to follow up on the apology. Write a handwritten note, send flowers, or offer to take the person out to lunch after you’ve both calmed down.

• Avoid repeating the behavior you regret. You’ll make it easier for another person to forgive you if you show that you’re making a sincere effort to avoid repeating offensive behavior.

• Be persistent. Someone you hurt badly may not at first be able to forgive you. Be persistent if the relationship is important. Make regular attempts to stay in touch by sending notes or cards, offering to share an extra ticket, or inviting the person out to a social event. Someone who doesn’t feel ready for a one-on-one get-together with you might be willing to attend a casual get-together that involves others who can serve as a buffer between you.

• Think carefully about whether to say, “I forgive you.” Remember that what’s important is achieving inner peace, not using specific words. It may help to say “I forgive you” if you can see that someone is concerned about this — for example, if a sibling keeps saying, “You’ve never forgiven me for not giving you more help with taking care of our mother.” But saying “I forgive you” may make the situation worse if someone doesn’t believe she’s done anything wrong. Focus on showing forgiveness through your actions, not on finding the perfect words.

• Use holidays or other special occasions to heal wounds. Holidays and other special occasions provide built-in opportunities to heal wounds, because people think of them as times of forgiveness. Your friends and relatives may be more likely to accept gestures of reconciliation that arrive on these occasions — a note, a call, a card, or an email message

that says, “I’m thinking about you.” If you know you will see someone at a gathering, you might send the person a note beforehand. Or you might send the person a “friend” request on a social media site, like Facebook, and include a message that says, “I’ve missed you.” One advantage of doing this is that it establishes a connection between you but doesn’t require the other person to do anything more than accept you as a friend for now. And reading each other’s posts may remind you of how much you have in common and give you ideas on how to restart your conversation.

• Avoid rehashing the past. After you’ve decided to forgive someone, let go of your hurt feelings. Don’t reopen old wounds by continuing to bring them up. This may mean you haven’t really forgiven the person.


LEARNING TO BE MORE ASSERTIVE

Being assertive is a way of treating yourself as fairly as you would treat anyone else. Just as you would remind a friend that she has the right to decide what she needs, or to express herself, or to say no, you

may have to remind yourself. It’s easy to postpone — or forget — what you want when you are trying to meet the needs and demands of other people at work and at home.

Learning how to pay attention to how you feel without being inconsiderate of other people’s feelings is a skill that you can learn, practice, and use when you choose. If you notice that you feel dissatisfied or resentful after a meeting or conversation, you can learn and grow from that situation. Being honest about your expectations and your limits can help you feel better about yourself and improve your relationships with others.

THE BENEFITS OF ASSERTIVENESSThe goal of being assertive is fairness: You stand up for your rights without violating another person’s rights. You consider other people’s needs without letting their needs overwhelm yours. Finding this balance can help you to:

• Feel better about yourself, rather than frustrated or powerless

• Develop stronger relationships that can weather conflict

• Communicate clearly and honestly

• Influence outcomes

• Make your values known, and gain the respect of others

• Set a good example, especially for your children

• Avoid building up anger or resentment


Being assertive is a choice, and there will be times when you feel it’s not appropriate. You may decide to accept those situations that involve:

• Cultural norms that you do not want to change, such as honoring elders or asking a woman’s father for permission to marry her.

• Too much anxiety about changing the way you act in certain settings, such as your workplace.

• More risk than benefit, for example, when you feel that what is at issue is low on your list of values and needs, and not worth risking conflict.

ASSERTIVENESS IS NOT AGGRESSIVENESSBeing assertive does not mean hurting someone else’s feelings, making someone angry, or infringing on someone else’s rights in the process of standing up for your own. Some experts refer to those behaviors as:

• Aggressive: “You never make dinner. Make your own dinner for once.”

• Assertive: “I won’t be home in time to make dinner tonight.”

• Aggressive: “You always let me down when I’m counting on you.”

• Assertive: “I’m disappointed because I was counting on getting help with this project.”

It can be especially difficult to stay focused if you hear an aggressive response from another person. Being assertive doesn’t guarantee that you’ll receive fair treatment in return, but it can help you address issues before a conflict happens.

YOUR PERSONAL BILL OF RIGHTSIt can be hard to give yourself permission to say “no” or to tell someone you aren’t happy with something he’s done. Maybe you learned that to express such feelings is rude or selfish. Maybe you’re so used to agreeing or accepting that it’s hard to figure out what you really want and to believe that you have a right to want it.

Try to write down some of the things you’d like, allowing yourself to dream and imagine without censoring. What would you like to change? How would you like to be treated? What would you like to say? The things you write can be specific: to manage a new project, to ask my co-worker to have lunch with me, or to learn the tango. Or, you can make a more general list of your rights: to set my own priorities, to hold my own opinions, and to change my mind.

TECHNIQUES FOR GETTING STARTEDChoose something from your list, or something that’s been bothering you, and try writing down the conversation you imagine having about it, or talk to a mirror, a tape recorder, or yourself. Eventually you may feel that you can rehearse a conversation with someone you trust, with that person playing the role of your boss or your spouse, for instance. Keep these tips in mind:

• Pay attention to body language. Stand or sit so that you can speak directly to the person. Look at the person and make regular eye contact at intervals that feel comfortable to you. Try not to lean forward aggressively or pull back in retreat.

• Control the volume and tone of your voice. Speak clearly and firmly, without becoming irritated, angry, or loud.

• Listen. Let the other person speak without interrupting, and ask for the same courtesy.

• Stay focused. If the other person strays from the topic, you need to pull the conversation back to what you need or want. You may have to repeat what you want, a technique that assertiveness trainers call “broken record.”

Example:You: “I would like our family vacation to be in the mountains this year.”

Response: “But you know how I love time by the ocean.”

You: “I understand that you love the ocean, but I want our family vacation to be in the mountains this year. Let’s talk about this more and see what we can work out.”


COMMUNICATING ASSERTIVELYWhen you communicate assertively, you aren’t trying to win a battle. Your goal is to express your views without giving the impression that you are looking for a fight, trying to “defeat” another person, or dismissing another’s views. Here are some ways to communicate assertively:

• Validate the other person’s feelings in a way that fits the relationship. Examples: You might say: “I understand that you feel very strongly about this,” or “I’ve had good luck with things I’ve bought here in the past.”

• Say what you want or expect. In some cases, the person to whom you are speaking may genuinely be at a loss as to what he could have done differently. When you sense that is the case, be clear about what you want or what you expect to happen at that moment or in the future. Avoid asking questions to which the answer could be “no.” For example, “Would you be so kind as to...?” or “How about…?” Examples: “I want to finish my sentence before you start yours.” “I’d like a full refund for these boots.”

• Make “I” statements to make a point without appearing to blame or attack someone else. “I” statements focus on how you feel about something and why — on the problem, not the other person — and are less likely than “you” statements to trigger defensive responses. You don’t call the person by name or use the word “you.” This lets her know that you would have the same feeling no matter whose behavior brought about the situation. They open the door to two-way communication, and sometimes an apology.

Try using this three-part formula for “I” messages: “When ________ (provide an objective description of the behavior without referring to the person by name or pronoun), I feel________ (state your feeling), because________ (state why you feel that way about the behavior again without using names or pronouns).

Examples: “When we go to family gatherings and it gets crowded and noisy, I get tense. It feels cramped and it’s hard to have a good conversation with anyone.”

“When I’m interrupted in mid-sentence I get frustrated. I don’t have a chance to finish my thought.”

“When I wore these rain boots for the first time, I ended up with water in them and wet feet. I’m disappointed in them. I expected better quality, given what I paid for them.”

GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO CHANGE A HABITOnce you feel ready to try these techniques in real life, start where you feel most comfortable. For instance, you may want to choose an easy topic, even writing down what you want to say and then practice saying “I” messages with a trusted friend. If you decide to try being assertive with a friend, your spouse or partner, or your children, tell them what you’re doing. Explain that you are trying to say more clearly how you feel. Acknowledge that at first you may sound different, and ask them to bear with you as you learn.

This way of speaking will probably feel awkward at first, and you won’t get it right all the time. In some cases, you may want to go back to the person and try again, explaining to him or her that you weren’t happy about the outcome of the first conversation. The techniques

described here will help you get started, but you may want to learn more. Most exchanges go on for more than a few sentences, and it’s easy to get off the path that you set out to follow. Remember, too, that you can control only what you say or do — not the other person’s response. It won’t always work as planned.

As you learn this new language, you will become more accustomed to using it. You may find that under stress you revert back to your usual language or behaviors. When this happens, forgive yourself (and ask for forgiveness from the other person, if you need to) and make an effort to use your new language and behavior the next time around.

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