EMOTIONALRESILIENCE AND THE EXPAT CHILD

PRACTICAL TIPS AND STORYTELLING

TECHNIQUES THAT WILL STRENGTHEN

THE GLOBAL FAMILY

FOREWORD BY DOUG OTA

To Jacqueline and Grant,

You have taught me every day how to launch a child towards a

wonderful life. You educate me. I love you more than you will ever

know.

May your lives be full of emotions and overloaded with joy, peace,

love and laughter.

First Published Great Britain 2011

by Summertime Publishing

© Copyright Julia Simens

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,

stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in

any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying

recording or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the

publisher.

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of

trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated

without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or

cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar

condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent

purchaser.

ISBN 978-1-904881-34-6

Designed by creationbooth.com

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments ............................................................Page 11

About the author ...............................................................Page 13

Foreword ...........................................................................Page 15

Introduction .....................................................Page 19

Developing the emotions every child needs .....................Page 19

My family ........................................................................Page 19

Emotions are formed in the family unit ............................Page 21

Understanding the classification of emotions ...................Page 22

Primary emotions ..............................................................Page 23

Emotional dyads ................................................................Page 23

How children reach their potential ....................................Page 25

Language ...........................................................................Page 25

The importance of attachment ..........................................Page 27

The six stages of attachment .............................................Page 27

Naming emotions ..............................................................Page 29

STORY - We have reached our cruising altitude now ......Page 29

Benefits of reading our emotion stories ............................Page 32

Share your stories ..............................................................Page 33

Chapter 1Working with emotions and understanding them .................................Page 37

Identifying the language of emotions ...............................Page 38

So many emotions .............................................................Page 40

Understanding emotional intelligence (EQ) .....................Page 43

A dictionary label for emotions .........................................Page 45

General principles for working with emotions .................Page 46

STORY – Rough landing ..................................................Page 46

Strategies for expatriate families ......................................Page 50

Chapter 2Attaching to parents (and carers) .............Page 55

Proximity - first stage to a strong connection ...................Page 55

Bond of an adult to a child ................................................Page 56

Concept of opposites .........................................................Page 57

Families adapt and change ................................................Page 58

Emotion language and culture ..........................................Page 58

STORY – Debbie! .............................................................Page 60

Facial expressions and reactions .......................................Page 63

The how did you feel game ...............................................Page 63

Four universal emotions ....................................................Page 64

Seven universal facial expressions ...................................Page 65

Bodily expressions of emotions ........................................Page 66

Chapter 3Eight primary emotion stories .....................Page 71

Sameness - second stage to a strong connection ...............Page 72

The locations of the primary emotion stories ...................Page 72

Joy at Monkey Mia, Australia ...........................................Page 74

Surprise at Aitutaki, Cook Islands ....................................Page 78

Anticipation in Luxor, Egypt ............................................Page 82

Fear in Port Elizabeth, South Africa .................................Page 86

Anger in the Chiang Mai Province, Thailand ...................Page 90

Disgust in Jakarta, Indonesia ............................................Page 94

Trust on Koh Ra, Thailand ................................................Page 98

Sadness when friends leave school, worldwide ................Page 102

Chapter 4Ten dyads ....................................................................Page 109

Belonging - third stage to a strong connection .................Page 110

Common language of emotions ........................................Page 111

Questions to ask your child about feelings .......................Page 112

Dyad stories and their locations ........................................Page 113

Acceptance/submission in Lagos, Nigeria ........................Page 114

Grief at Lake Tahoe, U.S.A. ..............................................Page 118

Optimism in Duri, Indonesia .............................................Page 122

Disapproval at an international school ..............................Page 126

Awe at Angkor Wat, Cambodia .........................................Page 130

Contempt at any location ..................................................Page 134

Aggressive in Leysin, Switzerland ...................................Page 138

Serenity in Russell Springs, U.S.A. ..................................Page 142

Apprehension on Roatan, Honduras .................................Page 146

Love anywhere you call home ..........................................Page 150

Chapter 5Explaining the importance of emotions to your child ..............................Page 157

Significance - fourth stage to a strong connection ..................Page 158

Creating an easy way to share ...........................................Page 158

Giving your child an emotion model ................................Page 159

Embarrassed, that’s me! ....................................................Page 160

Emotions start earlier than most parents believe .................Page 162

Families have conflict .......................................................Page 163

Point of view .....................................................................Page 163

Triggers need to be identified ............................................Page 164

Rituals are important .........................................................Page 169

STORY – At last a family ritual ........................................Page 170

Family rituals create closeness ..........................................Page 173

Story – Out of ashes come smiles .....................................Page 174

Family rituals can change and evolve over time ...............Page 176

Do the Twain .....................................................................Page 177

Extension activities to try ..................................................Page 178

Understanding the ups and downs ....................................Page 183

Chapter 6Taking action ! activities for your family"s stories ...............................Page 191

Supporting your child’s understanding .............................Page 192

Getting started ...................................................................Page 193

Best reasons for telling and sharing stories .......................Page 195

Things to avoid when working together ...........................Page 196

Joy .....................................................................................Page 199

Surprise .............................................................................Page 204

Anticipation .......................................................................Page 208

Fear ...................................................................................Page 212

Anger .................................................................................Page 216

Disgust ..............................................................................Page 220

Trust ..................................................................................Page 224

Sadness ..............................................................................Page 228

Acceptance ........................................................................Page 232

Grief ..................................................................................Page 236

Optimism...........................................................................Page 240

Disapproval .......................................................................Page 244

Awe ...................................................................................Page 248

Contempt ...........................................................................Page 252

Aggression ........................................................................Page 256

Serenity .............................................................................Page 260

Apprehension ....................................................................Page 264

Love ..................................................................................Page 268

What do your actions teach your children? .......................Page 321

Show me what to do ..........................................................Page 322

The importance of building emotion stories .....................Page 323

Dilemmas and debates on moral development .................Page 324

Chapter 9Conclusion ! when in doubt connect ........Page 329

Attachment and expat children .........................................Page 329

For grandparents ...............................................................Page 330

Risk factors for expat children ..........................................Page 332

Reflections on moving ......................................................Page 333

The ability to repair ...........................................................Page 335

Love - fifth stage to a strong connection ...........................Page 337

Chapter 10Closing comments .............................................Page 339

Being known - sixth stage to a strong connection .................Page 339

Emotion quotes to ponder .................................................Page 341

Useful resources ................................................................Page 344

Must reads if you are raising an expat ..............................Page 344

Julia’s list for children ....................................................... Page 347

Excellent web sites ............................................................Page 348

Selected bibliography ........................................................Page 349

Chapter 7Tying it all together ! developing your family plan ....................Page 275

How to get everyone in the family involved .....................Page 275

Write emotion stories in your own language ....................Page 276

Human behavioral measurement .......................................Page 278

Worldwide study on how people of all ages feel ..................Page 279

STORY – Mommy are you listening? ...............................Page 280

Understanding your child ..................................................Page 283

Conflict between crackers and broccoli ............................Page 284

Recognizing visual cues from your parent ........................Page 285

Do we benefit from screen time? ......................................Page 287

Caretakers and screen time ...............................................Page 288

Emotion knowledge adds protection .................................Page 289

Your child’s narratives hold keys to support him .................Page 290

What this means for older children ...................................Page 292

STORY – Run boy run!.....................................................Page 293

Three unique family plans ................................................Page 294

Chapter 8Dealing with hard emotions with your own children ...............................Page 309

Why anger is a hot topic ...................................................Page 309

STORY – I’m not angry, I’m mad ....................................Page 311

Body and impulse control is important .............................Page 315

STORY – Count, Blow, Count, Blow ...............................Page 316

Recognize the target of your anger ...................................Page 318

What things change ...........................................................Page 319

Depression is an alarming topic ........................................Page 320

10 11

Acknowledgments

The writing of this book has been a wonderful experience and would

not have come to fruition without the help of some exceptional

people in my life.

I want to thank Jo Parfitt for guiding me through the whole process

from helping me see my vision to completion of this book.

I also want to acknowledge all the educators and parents with whom

I have worked over the past 20 years. I have learned so much from

each one of you and have tried to share some of our experiences

in this book. Thank you for loving and protecting all children and

helping them grow into their unique potential. You are guardians for

our children’s innate emotional well-being. I always describe the

feeling parents and teachers have about wanting the best for their

children as ‘passionate’. If we really want to build on the passionate

feelings of love we have for our children, we need to think of how

we want them to most successfully live the rest of their lives.

I want to thank my extended family and friends for all the support

and ‘grounding’ back to the U.S.A. they have given me over

the years.

Last, I want to thank Kevin Simens, who is responsible for giving

our family a global perspective. Relocating and intercultural living

involves many issues regarding our identity, communication,

parenting decisions, and adjustments to new environments. We

learned to live passionately and love our children wholeheartedly.

12 13

About the author

Julia Simens is an educator, consultant, and presenter with a

focus on international relocation. This has kept Julia coming and

going from the U.S.A. for over 20 years. She has worked on five

continents with families who are relocating all over the world. With

a focus on family therapy and early childhood education, she has

helped many children and families adjust to their global lifestyle.

She has worked with many embassies, multi national companies,

and youth groups. She is a member of the American Psychological

Association. Julia connects with children of all ages. Parents look

for her for guidance because she has survived seven international

moves and has raised her own two children overseas. She offers

parents in cyberspace on-going support. She is a frequent speaker at

educational and business conferences and has been cited in various

family publications including The Street !etwork, AOL Travel and

Family Goes Strong. Julia works in international schools where she

offers children and parents individual sessions and the opportunity

to grow and she conducts parent seminars as well.

14 15

Foreword

You might deserve a compliment.

But there’s a problem: the person or persons who might pay you that

compliment one day are simply too young to do so now.

So let me try to do so on their behalf.

The fact that you are reading—or are considering reading—this

book launches you into a different category of parent. You may be

about to embark on a practical journey that is likely to change your

child’s or children’s future development in a potentially profound

way. Why?

Because you might be about to equip yourself with the skills to do

a better job with that most important of human tasks: the raising

of children who understand themselves. The ability to understand

one’s self resides at the foundation of being able to truly understand

anybody else—including one’s own children. And this can only

mean that you are about to unpack a gift that your child or children

will benefit from. And their children. And so on.

I am fully aware that these are large claims. But think about it: how

many hours did you go to school to earn your high school diploma?

Or to earn your first college degree? Or to study to become an

engineer, or an artist, or a lawyer, doctor, or diplomat?

And yet how many hours do most parents spend getting trained to

become “parents”?

16 17

This, then, is a book that can contribute to the climate in families’

living rooms, as well as that between nations.

Few parenting books that I have ever encountered have ever broken

the skill of understanding feelings into such easily digestible and

imminently practical steps that any parent can apply. No book

has ever done so with the special issues of an expatriate or mobile

population in mind.

Julia’s book does both, and does so beautifully.

Julia has taken her own expatriate experiences as a mother of her

two children, Jacqueline and Grant, and woven them together into

a story about emotions that tours the world and leaves the reader

feeling whole. Her soothing, maternal voice massages the reader,

page after page, bedside after bedside, linking new homes in new

countries into a coherent whole that feels quintessentially centered.

The reader is placed in a most privileged and intimate position:

being able to listen to the bedside stories of a mother to her child.

And in the repetition of those stories, month after month, in new

bedroom after new bedroom, Julia shows the reader—rather than

merely “telling” us—what safe human attachment sounds like. Her

voice becomes her children’s portable home.

And so it is perhaps only fitting that I, as a man, get an opportunity

to compliment that voice and to make an appeal to the other half of

Julia’s potential readers, i.e. the fathers of the world. Gentlemen,

this is not only a book for mothers. Every human born into this world

has the same emotional “equipment”, instilled through millions of

years of evolution and refinement. Men, too, must find their voice

in modeling for their children how they understand that equipment

and their resultant feelings. This is not only a woman’s work. A

home, after all, has more than one entrance.

Around the world, in every presentation after presentation that I

have given and in parenting group after parenting group that I have

led, the answer is usually simple: none. Apart from the way their

own parents raised them, the vast majority of parents never get any

specific training for a job that is arguably as challenging—if not

at times far more challenging—than engineering, law, medicine, or

diplomacy. In fact, kids are expert at finding exactly those areas of

their parents’ “training” that were somehow left undone, generally

because of issues of their own upbringing. And kids hone in on those

areas like hawks. (The theory I often share in my own consulting

room on why kids do this is simple: kids want “whole” parents, and

they push on these unfinished areas in an existential quest to push

their parents to get “completed”.)

So reading any good book on parenting places the reader, in my

definition at least, in the elite. Your choice of Julia Simens’ book

places you in a special category of that elite.

Why? Because Julia takes you to the heart of what this most

important of human tasks, namely parenting, is all about: emotions.

This is no “soft” or “emotional” claim. Nor is this is a “soft” book.

Consider it the “basic training” that most parents skip. If a child is

ever going to understand him or herself, he or she is going to have

to master the signals that his or her own body transmits, signals that

warn him or her that “something is up”. This sounds easy, but it is

not. In fact, in addition to the compliment I paid you on your child

or children’s behalf, let me also issue a warning: “understanding

ourselves” is a skill that verges on art, and one that only a minority

of the human population ever truly masters. Not understanding

ourselves lies at the root of not being able to understand the other,

and not being able to understand the other resides at the root of all

human conflict.

18 19

Introduction

Developing the emotions every child needs

The only thing you can be sure you can move around the world is

your child’s ability to thrive. In order to do this you need to help your

children build up their interpersonal skills. Emotions are common in

all languages and all cultures. As a parent, you can help your child

build his or her emotional and basic social skills and you can do this

in any location of the world. Using a wide range of emotions and

the ability to understand when and why to use them are important

for all children.

By the age of five children should be able to identify and relate to

a wide variety of emotions. To illustrate this I have taken stories

from our own travels and connected an emotion to each event that I

will share with you in this book. My goal is to allow you to use this

book as a tool that will help you to connect with your own child or

children and to use it to build on their vocabulary of emotions.

My family

We are a family of four that hold U.S.A. passports but have not

lived in the U.S.A. for most of our lives. I first went overseas as an

elementary teacher then returned home for more education. I met

Kevin who had also worked overseas but was back in the U.S.A.

with his company. We married and started a life overseas again

as soon as we could. In 1991, Jackie, our daughter, was born in

Perth, Australia and three years later Grant was born. In our life of

moving around it was amazing to have the same doctor for both of

our children’s births. This might have been the only consistent thing

they have ever shared in their lives.

Enjoy the journey of reading Julia’s book. Someday your children

will thank you.

Drs. Douglas W. Ota

NIP Child Psychologist

March, 2011

The Hague, Netherlands

34 35

Children of the World

All !emotion photos! in Emotional Resilience and the Expat Child were taken by their peers when they were exploring a unit of Inquiry on

"How we express ourselves"#

Plutchik’s Three-Dimensional Model of Emotions

70 71

Chapter Three

Eight primary emotion stories

This chapter contains short stories that take place in a variety of

locations. The emotions are described in these short stories. Then

it covers why the location is so unique. Some of these stories were

from Jackie’s experiences around the world and some were from

Grant’s. In order to make it more predictable for young children to

read or understand, I have made each story be about a boy called

Jack. How you choose to read this book to your child depends on

your child’s age.

If you are reading to a two or three-year-old, sit with them in your

lap or lie down next to each other. Let them hear your voice acting

out Jack’s words and his mother’s words with two different voices.

Let him see the pattern in the stories.

If you are reading to a four or five-year-old, you can ask them if they

know what is coming next. You can take turns being Jack and repeat

his words after they are read. You can also do as suggested above.

If you are reading with an older child, ask him what he would like

to do. How would he like the story to be read? Would he like you

to read the dictionary and location page and he could read the story

page?

See if your child can take some of their own experiences and place

them into our emotion stories. Most children can relate to other

children. Ask your child, “When did you feel like Jack?”

72 73

Sameness – Second Stage to a Strong Connection

When you and your child have something in common,

whether it is a fondness for a food, a sports team, or working

on this memory book, you’re strengthening your attachment

through ‘sameness’.

The locations of the primary emotion stories

The expatriate lifestyle usually allows families to live or travel to unique

locations! Talking to your child about his experiences will help expand his

emotional vocabulary!

Our initial eight stories take place around the world. I will be

taking you to Australia, the Cook Islands, and Egypt, where you

will experience joy, surprise, and anticipation. Then you are off to

South Africa, Thailand, and Indonesia to experience fear, anger and

disgust. Since many of our emotion stories revolve around the stories

of children in international schools, please note that international

schools can be in any location in the world. You will experience

sadness at one international school. The expatriate lifestyle usually

allows families to go to live in unique locations and it builds on

geographical skills due to the ability to travel on relocation and

during vacation time.

74 75

Joy

Oxford English Dictionary

A vivid emotion of pleasure arising from a sense of well-1.

being or satisfaction; the feeling or state of being highly

pleased or delighted; exultation of spirit; gladness, delight.

The expression of 2. glad feeling; outward rejoicing; mirth;

jubilant festivity.

A source or object of 3. joy; that which causes joy, or in which

delight is taken; a delight.

For a young child: Your face is really, really happy.

You feel wonderful. You might even want to dance.

This is joy.

Geography

You can experience joy while swimming with the dolphins at

Monkey Mia. Monkey Mia is a remote spot geographically; it lies

on a long, thin peninsula within Shark Bay in Western Australia.

The water is warm and absolutely beautiful. As you stand in knee-

deep water, wild dolphins come right up to the white shell beach and

swim around you. Wild dolphins have been coming to Monkey Mia

for over 50 years. It is the only place where dolphins visit daily, not

seasonally, and it is free. It is a World Heritage landmark. If you are

lucky you might get to swim with a mother dolphin and her calf.

76 77

“More than you will ever know,” she says as she smiles and kisses

him good night.

He just smiles and snuggles down in bed pulling the covers up

towards his chin.

“Mommy, I love mommy and baby dolphins.

Good night, Mom.”

“Good night, Jack.”

Joy

The evening ritual begins. The sun starts to set and Jack rubs his

eyes. As Jack and his mom start the short walk across the beach to

their beachfront villa, she asks him, “What was your day like?”

“Let me think about it,” Jack grabs her hand, looks up with a smile

and continues the walk.

“How was your day?” she leans over and asks again as he snuggles

into his bed.

“Mommy, I had a good day today. What should I dream about

tonight?”

“Dream about what you experienced today,” she softly says as she

leans closer and smoothes his pillow.

“Mommy, I am thinking about all the joy I saw today. I am going

to dream about that baby dolphin and how he stayed so close to his

mother. I am going to remember the smiles on everyone’s faces as

the mommy dolphin swam right up so close to you. I will remember

their joy when they realized that the dolphin picked you to swim with

because both of you were having a baby. I am going to remember my

joy when I saw you with the mommy dolphin and how you laughed

and played with her. I am going to remember how much joy I had

when I got to touch a baby dolphin. Mommy, that is what I am going

to dream about.”

“Do you know how much I love you?”

“You love me a lot.”

78 79

To travel to Aitutaki, you have to fly from New Zealand to Rarotanga

and then take a small plane or boat to this unique island. Its nearest

neighbors are Tahiti to the east and American Samoa to the west.

Surprise

Oxford English Dictionary

The (or an) act of assailing or attacking 1. unexpectedly

or without warning, or of taking by this means; sudden

attack or capture of a fort, a body of troops, etc. that is

unprepared.

The (or an) act of coming upon one unexpectedly, or of 2.

taking unawares; a sudden attack.

Something that takes one by 3. surprise; an unexpected

occurrence or event; anything unexpected or astonishing.

For a young child: You didn’t know! It made you laugh. Your body

feels excited. You are surprised.

Geography

You can experience surprise when a Picasso fish nibbles your finger

at Aitutaki. Aitutaki is one of the fifteen islands in the heart of the

South Pacific that make up the Cook Islands. It is a magnificent

and remote island that consists of three volcanoes and twelve

coral islets. Not only is Aitutaki an interesting place, the fish are

interesting. The Picasso triggerfish have one of the longest names

in the world. They are called Hu-mu-hu-mu nu-ku nu-ku-a pu-a-a.

This is a Hawaiian name that means ‘fish with a pig-nosed face’.

These fish enjoy the shallower waters inside the reef where there are

lots of rocks and crevices to hide in and search for food. They can

be very aggressive.