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Emotional problems in school

As Goleman explained …’Students who are anxious, angry, or depressed don’t

learn; people who are caught in these states do not take in information efficiently or

deal with it well … When emotions overwhelm concentration, what is being swamped

is the mental capacity cognitive scientists call ‘working memory’, the ability to hold in

mind all information relevant to the task at hand.’ (Goleman D, Emotional

Intelligence, pp. 78-79).

Jesus was emotionally healthy; he managed anger and rejection, treachery,

disappointment and all the positive emotions. He was a peacemaker and had a

supernatural ability to perceive, assess, and manage emotions. Under relenting

pressure, from family, friends and critics, he stood tall. Jesus provides our central

model or right responses based on right attitudes and beliefs.

In a Christian school we aim to promote students’ mental health and prevent

difficulties. We can address Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) in our classes,

lessons, chapels, curriculum, and reinforce SEL in all aspects of schools life.

Teaching social and emotional skills has positive benefits for teachers and parents

too. When children are taught specific strategies for recognising and responding to

emotions, thinking through challenging situations and communicating effectively,

they are less likely to act out in frustrations in the classroom or at home.

Social and Emotional Learning skills are practical life skills

When teaching SEL, the emphasis needs to be not just on teaching about emotions and relationships, but on teaching practical skills that children can apply across a range of situations at school, at home and in the broader community. Although our

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genes influence about 50% of the variation in our personal happiness, our circumstances,(like income and environment), affect only about 10%. Our emotions affect our long term well-being. Research shows that experiencing positive emotions in a 3-to-1 ratio with negative ones leads to a tipping point beyond which we naturally become more resilient to adversity and better able to achieve things. As much as 40% is accounted for by our daily activities and the conscious choices we make. So the good news is that our actions really can make a difference.

Helping our students 1 What is in your toolkit already? A good place to start is to take stock of the tools and techniques you feel you make use of regularly and which ones work well for you.

You might not ever have thought of them as coping strategies, as such, but we all have them: a song that we listen to on the way to work to motivate us; going for a run when we are feeling down; meeting up with a friend we know always makes us laugh or who gives us the most balanced and considered advice.

It is equally important to consider what you might need work on - where are the gaps in your armoury? You might be an excellent problem solver but find it difficult when your mood is low but there is nothing to rationalise easily or obvious to 'fix'. Or you might know that you are skilled at working through difficult emotions and moods, but that you need to work at having goals and following through with plans of action. Having a range of tools is the key so that you have flexibility to better deal with what comes along.

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1. Giving - Focusing on helping other people shifts our attention away from our own worries. It can often provide perspective when we realise that other people are struggling with things as well. And being able to be a source of support for our loved ones or for people in need has a positive impact on our own wellbeing as well as theirs. 2. Relating - Having support from people around us is extremely important for happiness and especially so when times are tough. So building our relationships is vital. It helps build happier and more resilient communities too! 3. Exercise - Be active or get outside, get into nature. Each of these has been shown to be good tactics to boost feeling good and reduce feeling down. 4. Appreciate - Mindfulness is a powerful tool to help tune into how we are feeling and to calm and focus our mind. 5. Be emotionally positive - Knowing a few different ways to increase our experience of positive emotions can be really helpful to draw on when the going gets tough. For example, the habit of gratitude is also a great one to get into and sometimes laughter really is the best medicine! 6. Acceptance - Sometimes our troubles are caused by us giving ourselves an unnecessarily bad time. So we can build resilience by seeing ourselves as God sees us – knowing our knowing our strengths and weaknesses, and understanding that God made us and loves us for who we are. 7. Meaning - Having a relationship with Jesus gives meaning to life and gives us strength to weather the tough times, knowing that He has a purpose for our lives. 8. Writing - Emotionally difficult times can have detrimental effects on our physical and emotional health. We can tell God about our troubles in our journals, and write our expressions of thanks to Him when we see answered prayer. 9. Meditating on scripture – Use the scripture keys tool box on pp 22-25 to lift you up when you are down.

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In the face of adverse circumstances (rejection, failure, hostility, very difficult/boring tasks), students with a strong emotional EQ (emotional quotient) can: • Control how anxious, down and angry they become • Inhibit/self-control behavioural “impulses” when very upset

• Calm down relatively quickly when overly upset

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An important point to stress is that Emotional Resilience/Toughness does not mean one simply accepts a bad situation at school as a means for coping with it, as might a fatalist. Rather, with emotional control, one has the calmness to make rational behavioural decisions that are in one’s best interest. This means reading other people’s emotions by tone of voice, facial expression or body language, and not necessarily words. Students who can understand their own and the emotions of other people are in a stronger position to solve social conflicts than children who have not developed an understanding of their own / other’s emotions. They are also in a more fortunate position when it comes to maintaining social relationships with others. Our students need to develop an emotional vocabulary, identify emotion- eliciting situations, recognize their emotions and what their emotions mean, understand that they can feel one way and act in a different way, and that they can change their emotions by changing their thinking, and changing the way they speak and act. Students need to let their emotions drive them but not take control of them. Unexpressed emotions get stored up, causing hurt, anger, depression, anxiety, and poor self-image. Children often lash out at others when they feel sad, upset, frustrated, embarrassed, humiliated, or excluded. Angry outbursts and overreacting are often the result of not expressing underlying emotions.

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The relationship between Autistic Spectrum Disorder, emotion management and behaviour development and management Children on the autistic spectrum, to a greater or lesser degree, have subtle or significant difficulties in communication, socialization and imagination. Communication difficulties may be the result of misunderstanding the meaning of words and the speaker’s intentions, intonation patterns, facial expressions and body language. Socialization complications may result from difficulties relating to people in meaningful ways, developing friendships, and empathy. Imagination difficulties may include rigidity in thinking, ritualistic behaviours and obsessional behaviours. Consequently children on the autistic spectrum may be oblivious to, overwhelmed with, or bemused by social nuances. As a result they may not accurately decode and interpret the social cues of their environment. Behaviours including unruliness, aggression, detachment, isolation, disorientation, frustration and stress may be some of the coping mechanisms children with autism adopt as they attempt to survive this complex terrain of the social world at our school. Our challenge with emotion management is to teach children appropriate ways of behaving and adapting to their environment. Instruction in the use of the emotion management tools for us should be direct and specific. Give instruction in a manner that appeals to children’s learning styles. Never be vague or ambiguous in your language. Make sure you choose instructional strategies that cater for these eight intelligences: Read it, tell it, write it, talk it, listen (word smart) and think critically about it. Use evaluations, sequencing, itemizing, problem solving, logic games (number smart), visualize it, puzzles, 3-D modelling, drawing it, murals (picture smart), hands on activities, dancing, manipulation, role playing, relaxation (body smart), singing, chants and jingles (music smart). Interact, collaborate and converse. Use conferencing (people smart), personal reflections, solo projects, diaries, and journaling (self-smart). Connect to living things; engage in nature encounters, nature field trips, stories about natural objects, plants and animals (nature smart).

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When a student is resilient they are also more prepared to seek new experiences and opportunities and take reasonable risks to achieve their goals. Risk-taking may mean some setbacks and rejections but it also creates more opportunities for successes and greater self-confidence. Boys are more likely than girls to rely on social support, (They often want to talk to someone about their problem.) Girls are more likely than boys to focus on their internal, emotional sensations and try to make the negative feelings go away (e.g., actively trying to forget about painful emotion). Finally, boys are more likely than girls to use physical exercise to manage stress. Strategies for the classroom

Teachers can help students to develop:

Self-control, and all the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) Elasticity Ability to bounce back Courage: finding courage in both everyday life and difficult circumstances Ability to look on the bright side Positive emotions and management of negative emotions Ability to label / identify emotions and their strengths Relationships: skills for building and maintaining friendships Humour A ‘no bullying’ ethic and skills for countering bullying Motivation: I can do it and I will do it, with God all things are possible. Conflict resolution: restorative practise Stress Management: staying calm, strategies for dealing with stressors Mentors: critical friends at church, and in home circle Ideas for the classroom: Here are some ‘hands on’ ideas to use with children to get them talking and thinking about their emotions:

• Make a fruit tree and write the names of the fruit of the Spirit on the fruit, (Galatians 5:22-23). Discuss the emotions the fruit of the Spirit create in us.

• Create a ‘Feelings’ work bank – happy, glad, friendly, kind, thoughtful, caring,

sad, worried, mad.

• Suggest words that children can use to express their feelings and describe

actions.

• Create emotion face masks.

• List scriptures to refer to in times of anxiety and which can be memorised and

recalled in times of pressure

• Play positive Christian uplifting mood music and invite children to move to the

music. Compare and contrast the emotion mood music.

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• Draw or paint emotion stick figures and make up social stories with the stick

figures as the central characters.

• Write an emotion cartoon strip sequence stories.

• Create a feelings book – camera shots of child expressing that feeling; a

magazine cut out of someone expressing that feeling.

• Make up an emotions dictionary.

• Create puppet shows presenting hypothetical social situations to encourage

range of possible solutions to social conflict.

• Have group discussion about friends and friendships.

• Use felt board faces to depict different emotions. Discuss self-talk

accompanying these emotions.

• Invite children to journal their head and heart version of events.

• Pass the sentence – ‘This is how I felt when … ‘

• Take photographs of children demonstrating staying calm behaviours. Display

these photographs on a bulletin board and invite the children to add thinking

and talking bubbles.

• Create emotion faces mobiles - angry: frowning, squinting, pouting, open-

mouth; worried: eyes open widely or clenched tightly, lips pressed together,

hands on face or forehead.

• Write a poem/jingle/rap/chant about different emotions / characters. Include

the head and the heart part to the character adventures. Look at the moods of

David in the psalms in scripture.

Christian school teachers should use their daily interactions with students to support

the development of student’s SEL skills, in and out of the classroom, and students

are provided with regular opportunities to practise and adapt their social and

emotional skills to new situations in the classroom, school and wider community

Students with really pressing needs can be referred to a special counsellor after

school, or an in-school clinic for the training of anger management, conflict resolution

strategies, and techniques for dealing with strong emotions other than outbursts or

withdrawal.

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STUDENT BOOKLET

Emotional Resilience means being able to stop yourself from getting extremely angry, down or worried when something “bad” happens. It means being able to calm down and feel better when you get overly upset, and bounce back from adversity. Emotional Resilience also means being able to control your behaviour when you are very upset. Examples of Emotional Resilience • Not getting overly upset from mistakes in your work or when you have not been as successful as you would like to be. • Not getting overly frustrated and angry with yourself when you do not understand something. • Not getting down when your friends seem to understand their schoolwork and do better on tests than you. • Avoiding getting extremely worried before an important test or event in which you have to perform in public. • Avoiding excessive worry concerning your popularity with peers. • Not getting overly angry when peers are mean to you. • Remaining calm and in control when an adult treats you unfairly or disrespectfully. • Not getting too down when being teased or ignored by friends. • When meeting someone new, not getting extremely nervous and being calm. • Stopping yourself from getting extremely worked up when you want to stand up and say “No” to someone who is putting pressure on you to do the wrong thing. • Not losing your cool when you have lots of homework to do. • Staying in control when your parents say “No” and the parents of your friends seem to be saying “Yes.” Negative Habits of the Mind to Eliminate to Help Build Emotional Resilience • Self-Downing – thinking that you are useless or a total failure when you have been rejected or have not achieved a good result. (Replace with Accepting Myself). • Needing to Be Perfect –thinking that you have to be successful or perfect in everything important that you do and that it’s horrible when you are not. (Replace with Taking Risks). • Needing Approval –thinking that you need people (peers, parents, teachers) to approve of what you do and that when they do not, it’s the worst thing in the world. (Replace with Being Independent). • I Can’t Do It – thinking that when you have not been successful at something important, you are no good at anything and that you never will be. (Replace with I Can Do It-God is my enabler). • I Can’t Be Bothered – thinking that life should always be fun and exciting and that you can’t stand it when things are frustrating or boring. (Replace with Working Tough). • Being Intolerant of Others –thinking that people should always treat you fairly, considerately and the way you want and when they do not, they are rotten people and you have a right to get back at them. (Replace with Being Tolerant of Others).

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Teaching Notes: T

Teaching Emotional Resilience/Toughness

I. Things to Say to Encourage Emotional Resilience When you catch a young person being emotionally resilient, say: “That was great. You didn’t let yourself get too angry.” “When I raised my voice with you earlier today, I noticed that while you were upset, you weren’t furious. Knowing how to control your temper is a great skill to have.” “You seem to really have learned how not to get too nervous and to relax before exams. That will help you be successful.” “You really controlled your nerves when you gave that speech.” “You see, talking with someone about the problem can help you feel less upset.” “You didn’t let that setback stop you from trying. Great!” “You seem not to have blown that event out of proportion. That helps you to be in control.” “You really seem to know the meaning of ‘resilience.’” “Even though you haven’t made the team yet, you seem to have a really positive outlook.”

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II. Ways to Eliminate Different Types of Negative Thinking that Lead to Poor Emotional Resilience To Eliminate “Self-Downing”: Explain to the child that s/he is made up of many characteristics –some good, some that are not so good. You should have the child come up with five good things about the child’s skills, talents and personality and five things that could be improved on. Read Psalm 139 to the child and explain that God made us and loves us and has a special purpose for each of us. Teachers and parents should: • try to see the child in a positive way • show interest and excitement about non-curricular areas of child’s skills, interests and personal strengths • expose the child to a variety of co- curricular activities where s/he is likely to be successful • keep a record with the child of all of his/her positive characteristics • acknowledge the child when s/he does not appear to be getting overly down when something adverse does happen • explain your own disappointments - (e.g., “I wasn’t elected to be on the SRC committee. While this is disappointing, I will not put myself down by thinking ‘I’m hopeless.’ After all, I’m still me – a capable and likeable person.”

To Eliminate “Needing to Be Perfect”: Explain to the child that one of the greatest mistakes s/he can make is being afraid to make mistakes. Mistakes are a natural part of learning and while it is good to do the best you can in your work, it is not helpful to insist that everything important is done perfectly. Explain that even the greatest scientists and inventors bumble and stumble their way to success. For older children, it can also be explained that demanding perfection of oneself leads one to be so worried that it lessens one’s ability to perform well. Instead, the child should be encouraged to develop the positive Habit of the Mind called “Risk Taking.” In Risk Taking, the child prefers to do his/her best but accepts that mistakes are inevitable and frequently good as one is learning something new. Other suggestions for eliminating a child’s need to be perfect include the following. Teacher and parents should:

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• help the child become more aware of his/her perfectionism and its negative effects on his/her anxiety. • have the child make a list of the things s/he always wanted to do but was afraid of not doing perfectly. Encourage the child to agree to try one of these activities. • encourage the child to identify areas of weakness. Have him/her agree to try activities in these areas. When the child has attempted such an activity, point out that the child now has evidence that s/he can tolerate doing things imperfectly. • encourage the child to stop ruminating about grades and, instead, encourage him/her to get involved in activities unrelated to school. • teach the child that there is a continuum of achievement and that achievement is not an all (perfection) or nothing (complete failure) outcome. Encourage the child to set goals at a place on the achievement continuum where s/he does not have to be the best in order to learn something and have fun. • acknowledge and praise the child for attempting things and not doing them perfectly. To Eliminate “Needing Approval”: In order to help a child who is overly concerned with what others think of him/her, teachers and parents should find an opportunity to explain to the child that while it is nice to be liked and approved of, s/he does not need the approval of teachers or friends all the time. The following should be communicated to the child: “You know that there are only a very few things we do need in life, and these include food, shelter and clothing. While it may feel like we cannot stand it when we do something that someone disapproves of or that it is the worst thing in the world to be teased or criticised, it is important to know that while it is not pleasant to be thought badly of or criticised, it is something that you can put up with and survive.” It should be emphasised that while it is preferable to try to be accepted and approved of, it is equally important to have a “Be Independent” Way of Thinking. That means that it is important to try new things even if others think you are silly or stupid. Teachers and parents should try to eliminate extreme something bad happens. The child should be encouraged to think: “When a bad thing happens, I do not lose my good points. I am still me – capable and likeable.” Other suggestions for eliminating a child’s tendency to down him/herself when something bad happens include the following. Teacher and parents should: • try to see the child in a positive way • show interest and excitement about non-curricular areas of child’s skills, interests and personal strengths • expose the child to a variety of co- curricular activities where s/he is likely to be successful • keep a record with the child of all of his/her positive characteristics • acknowledge the child when s/he does not appear to be getting overly down when something adverse does happen • model for the child by thinking out loud how the teacher/parent does not put him/herself down and is self-accepting when something bad happens eg I wasn’t elected to be on the SRC committee. While this is disappointing, I will not put myself down by thinking ‘I’m hopeless.’ After all, I’m still me – a capable and likeable person. Point out that the child now has evidence that s/he can tolerate doing things imperfectly.

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• encourage the child to stop ruminating about grades and, instead, encourage him/her to get involved in activities unrelated to school. • teach the child that there is a continuum of achievement and that achievement is not an all (perfection) or nothing (complete failure) outcome. Encourage the child to set goals at a place on the achievement continuum where s/he does not have to be the best in order to learn something and have fun. • acknowledge and praise the child for attempting things and not doing them perfectly. It should be emphasised that while it is preferable to try to be accepted and approved of, it is equally important to have a “Be Independent” Way of Thinking. That means that it is important to try new things even if others think you are silly or stupid. Teachers and parents should try to eliminate extreme dependency f a child concerning schoolwork and his/her fears of being criticised for not having done it well enough. Other suggestions for eliminating a child’s need for approval include the following. Teacher and parents should: • encourage the child to complete his/her schoolwork independently. If the child does have a question about what to do concerning schoolwork, teachers/ parents should use the Praise, Prompt and Leave procedure (e.g., say something positive about what the child knows/has done, provide a brief prompt about the next step, and then walk away). • provide recognition to the child for completing work independently. • teach the child not to judge or evaluate his/her work until after a certain period of time. • not give the child too much attention when s/he expresses negative feelings about work. • encourage the child to participate in rather than avoid social activities. • acknowledge the child when s/he has “survived” being in social situations s/he experienced as stressful. Say: “See, you are strong enough to put up with unpleasantness.” • when the child has gone through an unpleasant situation (e.g., being teased, not being invited to a party) say: “See, you can stand it when people are not nice to you.” • encourage the child to act confidently when s/he is starting to worry. • model the “Being Independent” Way of Thinking by doing things that are silly or fun even though others might think the teacher or parent is weird.

To Eliminate “I Can’t Do It”: In order to combat this form of negative, pessimistic thinking, teachers and parents should explain to the child that s/he has a choice in

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how to think about things that have happened and about things in the future. It should be explained that when something bad happens to the child such as getting a bad grade or being rejected or teased by a classmate, the child can think negative thoughts or positive thoughts. Examples of Negative “I Can’t Do It” thoughts: “I can’t do this. No one likes me. I’m not good at anything. It’s my entire fault. Things will never change; I’ll always be hopeless with friends/in my work.” Examples of Positive “I Can Do It” Thoughts: “Next time things will be different. Maybe I did not try hard enough or behaved stupidly. I know that if I do things differently including trying harder, the next time I am more likely to be successful than to fail.” Teachers and parents should explain to the child that an “I Can’t Do It” Way of Thinking leads them to feel very down when bad things happen and can cause him/her to stop trying and withdraw. Other suggestions for eliminating a child’s negative Way of Thinking called “I Can’t Do It” include the following.

Teacher and parents can encourage the child when the child is faced with difficult

work to think of the last time s/he was successful at doing something s/he did not

think s/he could do. Then, encourage the child to think: “I did it before, I can do it

again.”

• allow the child to stretch, struggle and succeed. A child who has a pessimistic style

of thinking will begin to modify the tendency as a result of persevering on tasks and

succeeding without being helped to do so. In shared prayer confess success and

tenacity over the student.

• evaluate the child’s progress based on the amount s/he has learned rather than comparisons with other children. • Praise the child at those times when s/he continues working towards achieving goals/finishing work after experiencing difficulty or setbacks. • Remind the child before commencing a difficult task of eliminating from his/her thinking the “I can’t do this” Way of Thinking and developing the mindset that “I will probably be successful.” • Model for the child the two different ways of thinking about doing something difficult. For example, a teacher could say “Now, I have to learn more about how to use a computer. I can think, “I’m hopeless at doing these things. I’ll probably never learn it.” or “If I try my best, I’ll probably be successful.” The teacher should discuss the different impact these two ways of thinking will have on the teacher’s feelings and motivation to learn about computers. To Eliminate “I Can’t Be Bothered”: The key explanation that teachers and parents should offer to a child who holds this negative way of thinking is that while it may seem that things in life, including schoolwork, should be fun and exciting, the

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reality is that life consists of things to do that differ in terms of degree of excitement and fun. Teachers and parents should indicate that while it is preferable that the child’s life be filled with only fun and exciting things and not things to do that are boring, life on earth as we know it contains both excitement and drudgery. The child needs to know that while it is natural to try to avoid the drudgery of homework/chores and other activities, the more s/he avoids those things that may be boring or uninteresting, the greater chance the child has of not achieving his/her potential. Other suggestions for eliminating a child’s negative Way of Thinking called “I Can’t Be Bothered” include the following. Teachers and parents should: • explain the meaning of the expression “No pain, no gain.” (In order to get ahead in life, one has to do things that are “painful” to do.) • point to the experience of others in the life of the child and show how their success has come in part from doing things that are not pleasant to do. • provide examples from their own lives of times when they avoided doing unpleasant work and how it led them to fail to achieve their goals. • alert the child ahead of time of aspects of upcoming work s/he is likely to find to be boring or tedious. Remind him/her that to be successful, the work cannot be avoided. • catch the child avoiding work s/he finds tedious and provide feedback: “By not doing this work, you are making the choice not to be successful.” • catch the child doing work s/he finds tedious and offer feedback: “See, you can stand doing boring stuff. And by doing it, you are choosing to be successful.” • show the child concrete evidence that in doing tedious work, s/he is more successful. • teach the child the 5-Minute Plan. Have the child ahead of time identify aspects of schoolwork that s/he finds to be boring or tedious (e.g., vocabulary, maths problems.) Have the child agree to work no more than five minutes on this work. Then, after five minutes have transpired (set a timer), encourage the child to work for no more than another five minutes. In this way, the child obtains evidence to challenge his/her belief that s/he cannot be bothered (and put up with) things that are not exciting and fun.

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To Eliminate “Being Intolerant of Others”: There are several points that teachers and parents will want to communicate to help a child who has a tendency to blame, condemn and put down people who s/he perceives as having done the wrong thing. The first point to be made is that all people from time to time will act unfairly and inconsiderately to others, including friends and family – it is human nature. A second point to be reinforced is that while it is undesirable for them to behave this way, it is important not to view the person who is doing the wrong thing as totally bad. When we view people who do the wrong thing as totally hopeless, we tend to get overly angry with them. This is especially the case if we believe that people who do the wrong thing deserve retaliation and “pay back.” A third and related point is that in life, we will meet people who are different from us (come from different cultures) and share different beliefs, values and customs. In order for us to live in a safe and secure world without violence, it is important that when we notice people who seem different from us and who may demonstrate values, ways of relating and even dress that we do not like, that we do not judge their overall value as people (e.g., “They’re hopeless, inferior”) on the basis of aspects of their behaviour or appearance we do not like. Other suggestions for eliminating a child’s negative Way of Thinking called “Intolerance of Others” include the following. Teachers and parents should: • help a child to draw up a list of positive characteristics of a person or group of people whom the child appears to condemn. Once the list is drawn up (the teacher/parent may have to assist the child to come up with positive characteristics), ask the child whether it makes sense to think that someone is totally bad if s/he behaves poorly. The point that should be made is that people who have bad points always have good points, and that while it is understandable when one dislikes their behaviour, it never makes sense to rate their overall character or worth as a person on just their bad points. • provide the child with first-hand experiences to learn about the positive qualities of an individual or group whom the child tends to hold a grudge against. Examine and discuss how Jesus dealt with prejudice, racism, sexism, ageism, and bigotry. • be on the lookout for those times when a child is condemning of another person who might be acting in a way that the child perceives as mean, disrespectful or unfair. At these times, remind the child that it is OK to dislike the behaviour but that s/he should not think of the person as totally bad. • model for the child out loud the difference between holding an Intolerance of Others and Tolerance of Others Way of Thinking in the face of adversity. For example, a teacher could say, “You know, the other day the grocer overcharged me for what I bought. So, I started to get extremely angry with him by thinking ‘He shouldn’t act so unfairly. He’s a total jerk.’ When I realized I was losing my temper, I changed my way of thinking to: ‘He did the wrong thing. He made a mistake. Humans make mistakes. I’ll bring the mistake to his attention.’ I then calmed down.”

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• constantly encourage the child not to make overall judgments of people who do the wrong thing or who are different. Explain that when we are intolerant and make overall judgments, we only lose our temper. III. Other Things to Do to Teach a Young Person Emotional Resilience • Accept that it is normal and healthy for young people to experience negative emotions. (It is good to show and talk about different negative feelings you have as long as they are not too extreme.) • Explain to the young person that it is normal to have negative feelings and that there is nothing wrong with him/her if s/he goes through periods of time or reacts to events with high amounts of anger, anxiety or of feeling down. • Provide the young person with words to describe his/her own feelings (e.g. “You are feeling angry, worried or have hurt feelings / feeling down.”) Also add your own feelings, (e.g., “I am worried about you staying out late.”). • Help the young person become aware that when something bad happens to him/her (e.g., teasing, bad mark in school, no one to play with), he/she has options in how upset he/she gets (extremely upset, medium upset, a “bit” upset). • Help the young person put together a list of negative things that can happen to them at school, at home or with their friends and discuss with him/her the common negative feelings they can have when these things occur. • Discuss with the young person how getting extremely upset (furious, panicked, very down) when negative events have occurred or are about to occur is not so good and that it is better to try to be only medium upset. (The exception to this is when children experience life threatening or catastrophic events.) • Teach the young person that one way to control how upset he/she gets when something bad happens is to learn not to blow the “badness” of what happened out of proportion. Help the young person see that while some events are truly the worst things that could happen (e.g., death of a loved one, natural disasters), other things (e.g., difficult/boring homework; being teased) are bad but not the worst things that could happen. Help children to discriminate among things that are terrible/horrible/awful, things that are bad, and things that are “a bit” bad. • Teach children that one way not to get overly down is not to think negatively about himself/herself when he/she is not as successful in his/her schoolwork as he/she would like or someone is mean to him/her. Help the child to identify all his/her positive qualities (e.g., good athlete, good friend, good reader) and help them see that doing something wrong, failing at something or rejection doesn’t take away their good qualities and doesn’t show they are totally hopeless (see previous discussion on eliminating Self-Downing) . • Help the young person understand that he/she will not always be treated fairly and considerately by others and when that happens, he/she can handle it.

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• For a young person who gets very uptight in anticipation of tests or social gatherings, relaxation skills such as the 5-3-5 Relaxation Technique can be taught. In using this deep breathing technique, young people can be taught to use the following instructions: “To begin with, rapidly exhale all the air from your lungs. Next, slowly to a count of five…inhale … one … two … three … four …five. Hold your breath of air for a slow count of three … one …two … three. Now slowly, very slowly, exhale the air to a slow count of five … one … two … three … four … five. You have just completed one repetition. To continue to relax, breathe in slowly to a count of five, hold for a count of three, and again exhale to a slow count of five. • Model for the young person the kinds of positive thinking he/she can use when he/she is having a bad day to help brighten his/her mood (e.g., “This won’t last forever. I still have friends. I’m still good at playing chess.”). Explain to the young person the power of praising God in all situations. (In everything give thanks – 1 Thess 5:18) • Discuss with the young person the importance of finding someone to talk to when they have very strong feelings. This could be the parent himself or herself, another family relative, a member from church, school counsellor, teacher or trusted friend.

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Negative Ways of Thinking Checklist Purpose: Place a mark to indicate how often a child tends to think in a particular negative way. Rarely Sometimes Often 1. Self-Downing – Does the child think that s/he is totally useless or a failure when s/he is has been rejected or has not achieved a good result? 2. Needing to Be Perfect – Does the child think that s/he must be successful or perfect in everything important that I do and that it’s horrible when s/he is not? 3. Needing Approval –Does the child think that that s/he needs people (peers, parents, teachers) to approve of him/her and that when they do not, it’s the worst thing in the world? 4. I Can’t Do It –Does the child think when s/he has not been successful at something that s/he is no good at anything and never will be? 5. I Can’t Be Bothered – Does the child think that life should always be fun and exciting and that she/he can’t stand it when things are frustrating or boring? 6. Being Intolerant of Others – Does the child think that people should always treat him/her fairly, considerately and the way s/he wants? Does s/he has a right to get back at them?

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Scripture keys toolbox

Asking God to supply your needs:

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer. (Matthew 21:22)

And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the

Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it. (John 14:13-14)

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be

opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him

who knocks, the door will be opened. (Matthew 7:7-8)

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and is will

be given you. (John 15:7)

Nothing is impossible with God. (Luke 1:37)

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything

according to His will, He hears us. (1 John 5:15)

Life’s Problems:

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not

fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the sea, though its waters

roar and foam and the mountains quake. (Psalm 46:1-3)

For I the Lord, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, “Do not fear; I will

help you.” (Isaiah 41:13)

Cast all your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the

righteous fall. (Psalm 55:22)

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their

troubles. (Psalm 34:17)

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7)

Disappointments:

The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

(Psalm 34:18)

As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you. (Isaiah 66:13a)

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion

and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can

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comfort those is any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

(2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)

Come unto me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.

(Matthew 11:28)

Healing:

Praise the Lord O my soul, and forget not all His benefits – who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases. (Psalm 103:2-3)

He (Jesus) was pierced for our transgression, He was crushed for our iniquities; the

punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed.

(Isaiah 53:5)

Guidance:

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and

watch over you. (Psalm 32:8)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all

your ways acknowledge him and He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid…for the Lord your God goes with you;

He will never leave you or forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

Protection:

The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, and He delivers them.

(Psalm 34:7)

The Lord is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear? The Lord is the

stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1)

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil,

For you are with me; your rod and staff comfort me. (Psalm 23:1-4)

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Guilt:

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we

confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from

all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:8,9)

Create in me a pure heart, O god, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. (Psalm

51:10)

You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you. (Psalm

86:5)

Praise the Lord O my soul and forget not all His benefits – who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases. (Psalm 103:2-3)

Forgiving others:

“Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to

seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.” (Matthew

18:21-22)

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ((Romans 12:14)

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so

that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. (Mark 11:25-26)

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ,

God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32)

God’s love:

I have loved you with an everlasting love. I have drawn you with loving-kindness.

(Jeremiah 31:3)

How great is the love the father has lavished on us, that we should be called children

of God! (1 John 3:1)

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever

believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16)

We love Him because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19)

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.

Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth

more than many sparrows. (Luke 12:6-7)

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Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or

persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? For I am convinced that

neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future,

nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be

able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans

8:35,37,38)

God’s greatness:

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. (Genesis 1:1)

God made the earth by His power; He founded the world by His wisdom and

stretched out the heavens by His understanding. (Jeremiah 10:12)

He determines the number of stars and calls them each by name. Great is our Lord

and mighty in power. (Psalm 147:4-5)

O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! When I consider your

heavens, the works of your fingers, the moon and stars which you have set in place,

what is man that you are mindful of him? (Psalm 8:1,3)

My own hands laid the foundations of the earth, and my right hand spread out the

heavens. (Isaiah 48:13)

How great are your works O Lord! (Psalm 92:5)

The Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and

awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. (Deuteronomy 10:17)

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