eating and drinking for a living: how to be a travel show foodie host

8/14/2019 EATING AND DRINKING FOR A LIVING: HOW TO BE A TRAVEL SHOW FOODIE HOST

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A CAREER GUIDE IN BEING A TRAVEL FOOD HOST:

(Or how I missed bein ! "r!#e$ %ood hos"&

b': ohn H!m)"on



This is satire,and the story is both fiction and non-fiction. The story should helpthose pondering a career in being a FOOD ACTOR!



Who ould hae thought that there ould be a career in T" about eating eird food#

$ a% illing to bet your high school guidance counselor neer adised you this& 'Well, $ ould adise you that your future( your career is in eating bugs, eird %eatsor traeling around the orld deouring hat eer the naties gae you.) (Ironically, sponging food off natives is not unknown by most of my relatives.

I just never knew that it could be a career.)

As a baby-boo%er $ thought of *obs in trael as being a pilot+no a *ob that lost itscache or trael agent, hotel orer, chef, cabbie all these *obs didnt hae %uch gla%or.During the /012s there ere no celebrity chefs, or T" channels deoted to food.

With the e3ception for 4ulia Child, $ had neer seen or heard of a fa%ous chef.5y %other or grand%other atched 4ulias sho in a%a6e%ent, as 4ulie de-boned aduc. Of course 5o% and 7ranny ent right bac to open a can of Ca%bells soup, a

pacage of fro6en egetables, along ith a fro6en pacage of so%e sort of %eat. Theseite%s ere du%ped into a casserole dish and heated for an undisclosed a%ount of ti%e

in the oen. 8or%ally, until the food as blac. $t as horrid and truly A%erican.

9efore $ een traeled to :urope, $ reali6ed that A%erica has strange foods andstrange people. We are i%%igrants, and the ;<A is full of eirdos a plenty ithoutgoing global. Without bothering to get on that *et plane, $ saed %oney and *ust %et %yrelaties in the good ole ;<A to encounter strange people. 5y relaties spoe in strangetongues and ate unusual foods ith the sa%e gusto as any foreigner.

8o that $ a% %iddle age, $ no longer hae a burning desire to %eet foreigners,since

$ can be insulted close to ho%e, right on %y bloc een. $f an urge of trael hits %e, $ *ust thin of %y relaties fro% Te3as, and %y feelings of loe of foreigners goes aay=uicly.



Anthony +snary 9ourdain sponges off-people for food and drins, then eeps ondrining and so%eho gets paid for this.

Tony as an e3-short-order coo ho as a *unie, hich so%eho turned out greaton his resu%e, but for others, ho hae the sa%e things on their resu%e they end up

bac at 9un on the Run Fast-food Franchise. 9e arned *ob seeers that drug abuse andgetting fired doesnt alays lead to a *ob on the Trael channel.

9asically, 9ourdain as *ust your aerage astrel( until he rote boo shocing people that it as a poor dontrodden ?ispanic-@atino, ho cooed their food. ?oly

Ta%ales, hat rich idiots didnt reali6e that it as a %igrant cooing their food. + All youhave to do is peek into the kitchen. When you go to pee, just peek in that little window,

and you will see a lot of brown people cooking your meal.)

+@isted here is hat is the prototype for replacing Tony or any other foodie. *ids+ %or "his "')e o% ,!reer 'o- h!#e "o be )ho"oeni,+ wi"h ! "ine o% .-n/ie

s/inn'+ ! ,o-)$e o% T!"s+ "ih" .e!ns !nd some sor" o% immi,/0 Are 'o- %-nn'+

r-m)'+ bo$d+ idio"i, !$$ "hose wor/ on ,!b$e TV1

Tonys shtic is being %ean to fat people especially aula +butter Deen. $ronically,nobody points outs that Tonys thoughts about health adice is suspect. <o%eho, Tonyho spent %ost of his adult life shooting up drugs and snorting cocaine %ay not be agood *udge of healthy liing.

$s this %ethod of health care really so%ething the A5A is going to fight for#$ could be rong, and see it no the 9ourdain late night info%ercial&

He' ,h-bb'2Tr' "he Bo-rd!in die" )$!n+ ! )o-nd o% Co,!ine !nd some boo3e wi$$ e" in"o "hose

s/inn' .e!ns in no "ime0

While ti%e and age curdles 9ourdains career his panic no boiling fro% the%oney needs of a young ife and baby nipping at his allet. Tony certainly %ay sell outfaster than aula Deen %elts a stic of butter. 9ourdain %ay hae to pioneer in a neinfo%ercial, as he no has co%petition. $n life ho nos hat happens ne3t. The



5edia is a ficle bitch. >ids if you are trying to tae Tonys *ob re%e%ber not to recycleyour or so %uch that the public turns aay. Also re%e%ber to be nice to people asyou %ay need the% on the ay up or don the fa%e ladder.

Well, Tony you hae turned into the co%%ercial crap %aster you reiled inyour boos. To su% up, his lifes nasty bits, loo in the %irror, 9roudain. ?ey Tony!Bour sho is no lie atching any other 7uy Ferri sho. ?o %any ti%es can you trael to the sa%e country and eat the sa%e locals noodles ordrin their boo6e# ersonally, $ bet the naties are sic of seeing you, Tony. Thin

about it. Tony %ust be as unelco%e as the cousin ho %oes into your base%ent andneer leaes

9ehind the scenes of the Tony Trael sho ould be %uch %ore interesting. 8oi%agine the scene set in the hot tropics& The natie dru%s are pounding out the %essagethat the A%erican 9oo6e-hound and %ooch is bac. Deep in the *ungles of so%e hellhole of 8e 7uinea for his third ti%e, Tony is shooting his ne hipster sho for C88.When the 8e 7uinea natie sees Tony strolling don his street, he locs up the goodfood, and the high-priced boo6e. 8e3t the 8atie brings out a bol of cricets and

shaing lotion for Tonys faorite coctail.

The Father then says to his fa%ily, ' that sinny A%erican ahole is bac tosponge off us again. 8o ids spit and pee on his cricets.)

$n the end his ne sho cant help but be an unintentional rerun,so Tonys career%ay be as short-lied as the health of his lier. @as "egas odd %aers are betting on hisrial aula Deen %ost liely getting to piss on Tonys grae hile eating a bag ofdonuts in to years.

(4e$$ *ids+ ,om)e"i"ion is %ier,e in "he C!b$e TV %oodie ,!reer+ so I wi$$ ,o#erone more %!mo-s %oodie0&

Weirdly as if space Aliens ere progra%%ing cable T", e hae %ore than one Foodieeirdo. <ee belo that a chubby guy taes foodie trends to a ?$7?:R leel ofstrange eating along ith daredeil sto%ach churning e3ploits.

Another trael food ACTOR! $< T?$< 7;B&



Andre i%%ern, e3-chef, e3-drun is no a star for eating bugs. This guy is not asnary bully, but *ust so%eone hose *ob see%s to part frea sho and part double dogdares you to eat that. ?e see%s nice, al%ost cuddly, but ho the hell did he decide to getthis eird *ob# $ do re%e%ber here %y eird food adenture started in the /012sith %y 7ranny in the good old ;<A.

56 FIRST OURNE6 INTO 4EIRD FOOD2 6-,/2

@ittle did $ no during %y childhood( $ ould see the future of Cable T" genre.

5y little %ind neer could predict that there is this %ind-bloing obsession ith

eating anything that si%s, crals, %oos, or farts.

$ronically, if $ had e%braced that %i3ture of fat, and assorted ani%al parts, $could hae beat that eird fat guy, Andre i%%ern to punch. Da%n it, $ ould hae

been earning the big bucs for eating horrid things. +That bald, chuny eird foodie,earns E,222.22 per episode and is orth fie %illion bucs, not really bad for eating



bugs, huh#

<adly, $ didnt predict these trends of getting paid on cable T" for these odd pursuitsor using gluttony as a career. $f $ had only non, but $ did see these odd foods early

on in life. $t neer hit %e that these foods could proide %e ith a career in the G/

st

century. 5y food *ourney taes place in %y 7rand-parents house.

8o it as both a place of great ho%e-cooing and torture co%bined lie one ofthose tureens.

5y earliest %e%ory as %oing into the house in 4efferson ar and %eeting thatcra6y, neurotic, cheap,and looney people ith a %ean strea& 5y 7randparents.

The house itself looed deceitfully pleasant on the outside. $t as a Chicagostyle bungalo on 7unnison <treet, that 7ranny Diet6 had piced out. <he alreadystarted her ersion of o%ans liberation. <olid bric construction, beige brics and ell

built, solid and s=uat, it sort of rese%bled 7ranny Diet6, ho as also built solid ands=uat. As e entered the liing roo%, the s%ells of grilled %eat, por fat and baed

bread filled the air. 9oy, the old lady could coo, than god.

$t as oddly a house here $ learned the cultural roots of food. 5y 7randparents

ere both "olga Russians hich is eird co%bination of 7er%an and Russiantraditions. The food %elting pot %elded so%e A%erican dishes ith the "olga culturehich together for%ed heay dishes that could guarantee a nap. These ere %eat and

potato dishes, ho%e%ade baed breads and so%e egetables lie sauerraut. 7rannyas great coo, but sadly this as her only redee%ing =uality.7ranny neer really heard of sprouts or een a salad hich should ould hae fed to a

rabbit and then %ade %e ill the rabbit. 7ranny did loe ani%als,but she could coo up%eat up lie the best carniore coo anyhere.

@ie 9ourdain, 7ranny as a %isanthropic %eanie. Other then her loe of pets, she as a %ean bitter o%an ho played faorites.<adly, her faorites ere nobody in %y fa%ily. Weirdly, she didnt een treat her son, %yFather ith respect or loe. <he only see%ed to loe her pets, and her daughter.



This as strange Dr. Doolitle %o%ent co%bined ith a touch of ?i%%ler as theay she ran the house. 7ranny had her ani%als trained to be %elded ith her eil %ind.$t as really spooy, ho she controlled the%.

@ie that poor Anne Fran, e are placed in the house as in the attic, hidden fro%ie. 5y Father as trying to sae %oney for buying his first house, so e ere forcedto lie ith this odd couple. ops looed around and sa that the Attic as barely finished, ith *ust enoughspace for the three of us. $ronically it had a %ae shift itchen ith a little stoe hooedup to gas line that see%ed shay at best, but $ asnHt looing forard to eating one of5o%Hs feeble atte%pts at cooing anyay.

The %aeshift itchen had a indo facing the neighborsH indo ith no shade orshutters. 5o% started sobbing,'This is 8OT hat $ had planned.)

'DonHt orry Cory, e *ust hae to sae up for our house in the burbs.)

he neighbor happened to like to run around naked with his wife! this was much better

than was on "!until my #other caught me viewing their normal routine.

$ did learn about patterns, of peoples behaior, hich caused the household todeelop las of a surialist and aoidance. Once a day she ould pic a fight ith5o%, 7randpa, or %y Dad *ust to proe she could %ae you ince or cry.$ also learned that fa%ilies hae faorites and this sucs for the unlucy ones, theoutcasts.

We had to listen to 7rand%a and 7randpa ent on bragging about Dads sister inTe3as, till the day they ca%e slining bac to $llinois&

'$f only you could be successful lie your sister and her husband.)

'Did you see the picture of your sisterHs big house and ne caddie#)



ops bit his tongue, as he had receied a phone call fro% his sister telling hi% thetruth about her aradise, as $ oerheard the conersation that DadHs sister 5arian already

as considering diorcing her husband, because he got another o%an pregnant inTe3as. As for their fancy house, it as about to be foreclosed on.

T?:R: T?:B <TOOD! ?illbillies! +This ere not the nice ?illbillies lie on DucDynasty, but pure %ean selfish hill fols lie the ?atfields.

5y cousins fro% Te3as arried into our oercroded hell hole called the7randparents house. <o, $ finally %et %y cousins as they droe in fro% Te3as, in a beatup old station agon, that as coered in red dust, along ith Fast Food rappers, dirtydiapers,beer cans and grouchy ids,toddlers and ugly adults, passed out inside the

agon.

7ranny and 7randpa as in *oyous %ood to see Dads sister, but her husband looedtired, gru%py, ith a tinge of a hangoer. As he opened door to the station agon, beercans, pop cans and fast food rappers fle out the door.

Along ith the *un ca%e the ids ho had attained a second ind of energy co%binedith chaos.

'Well, %eat-nose are you glad to be bac in $llinois#)

5y father said this ith glee, as he had suffered under not being the faorite child.

'<hut up, fatso. $ guess the nor%al retort co%ing fro% Dads bulbous sister.

' We ca%e bac since 7ene, is setting up his business, you du%%y.)

The interaction beteen ops and his sister %ade %e glad $ as an only child.

7ranny addled oer to e%brace her daughter and %ae oer her part ?illbillygrand-ids ho ere on the loo out for candy or any type of sustenance.The hill fols no dined ith us and started %oing into the only liing =uarters left,the dreaded but spotless base%ent.

8o, 7ranny Diet6 as hinting on hy e should %oe out. ?er %ethod to get rid ofus as ith little bits of torture of haing 9iff the eil onder dog %ade his surpriseattacs on us. $t as incredible as the dog did not bite or een snap at %y cousins.



5y cousins ere girls @ou 4ean age eight and "icy age seen ere dressed up innice dresses, but spoiled by dirt and sticy candy. The boy ho as %y age fie, na%edRicy, as attired in coboy boots, ith oeralls lie a far%er.

When e all piled bac into the house, lunch as sered to the hungry crod of staring%asses. $t could only described by saying that %y cousins had all the table %anners ofthe Three <tooges. As soon as 7ranny put don the tray of sausages, rolls,colesla,potato salad, a feeding fren6y ensued. $t as a 6oo.

5y father looed on ith dis%ay at his sister, and her half-breed ids attaced foodlie oles. ops glared at his sister and spoe up hen her brood shoeled in potatosalad in their %ouths by taing handfuls in their little hands.

' 4esus, <is hy dont you teach your ids to use a for and nife.)

'<hut up, Fred %y ids hae been on the road for days no, and they are hungry.)

7ranny Diet6 stares at %y Dad and responds ith her usual eno%.'Fred, it is not your place to critici6e your sister after her long trip.)

7randpa shoo his head in disgust, but said nothing. :en though 7randpa needed arefresher course by :%ily ost, he *ust tried to grab as %uch food before it ran out.

Da%n the %anners use the full grab,grunt and che %ethod of food retrieal. $n beteen cho%ping there as ery little conersation,until 7ra%ps =uestioned the

%issing ite%s on the lunch buffet&

'?ey, here is %y picled pigs feet and head cheese#)

The ids stopped eating for that %o%ent and all gae a shout&

'$c...Oh... icled pigs feet# Whats head cheese#)



'Buc, ho ould eat that#)

' 7randpa... eats pigs feet! 7RA8DA :AT< $7< F::T.)

'?ey, you little nu%bsulls its great.) 'Bou dont no hat you are %issing.)

7randpa inter*ected his culinary opinions. 'Alright, settle don, hile $ get 7randpas faorites.) 7ranny no said this and ent

bac to the itchen.

Dads sister and her husband 7ene, the guy fro% Te3as said nothing the entire %eal,they ate their food, but Dads sister hispered to things to her 5other. ;ncle 7ene as

%ore focused on his beer and see%ed longing for %ore beer, then being stuc in $llinois.

7ranny no entered ith a 4ar of icled igs feet, and a eird plate coered inso%e sort of lunch %eat that looed lie it as %ade of leftoer scraps of baloney,spiced ha% co%bined ith 4ello. 5y cousins the ?illbilly ids started s=uealing andshouting.

;ncle 7ene finally said his first ords.

'7o outside, and git the stin blon off you.) 'And eep it don.)

8o %y little id %ind hirled ith choices of going outside and taing %y chancesith %y ?illbilly relaties or be forced to atch 7randpa deour eird food ite%s.

'Can, $ go to#) As $ really didnt ant to itness picled pig parts.

7ranny, no had a iced s%ile. This frightened %e to %y little core.

'8o, you hae to stay as e are haing a fa%ily %eeting inoling your parents.)

'What this about, 5o%#)ops ne that his 5other up to so%e sort of eil trics.

7ranny Det6, paused then said& 'We thin you ill hae to %oe out at the end of the %onth, so that your



<ister gets your roo%s for all her ids.)

$ could see ops as %ad, as he had %ade the deal to stay until e had enough %oneysaed for a house.

' 5o%, you %ade the deal ith us first.

'Bou bragged that they had the big house in Te3as( they should be able to rent so%e place else, if they hae to.)

7randpa is no getting pissed that e hae disturbed his lunch.

'For the god sae, let %e finish %y lunch.)

'7ranny gie eeryone a piece of ?ead Cheese and thin about a ti%e fra%e later#)

With a nife, 7ranny sliced a big piece of that aful looing lunch %eat and headedstraight for %y %outh. $ leaned bac in %y chair. As the *ello *iggly %eat approached, $tighten %y lips shut.

<he ept on co%ing ith the lunch %eat, and %ade the %istae of opening %y %outh

to protest this %eans of torture.

'7ranny, $ really donHt ant any of that.) $ said this as this is the strangest piece oflunch %eat $ eer sa.

8o 7ranny, beca%e the dictator and shouted&

'BO; DO8HT >8OW, $F BO; DO8HT @$>: T$@@ BO; TRB $T!)

'8OW, O:8 BO;R 5O;T? A8D TRB $T, OR :@<:.)

$f $ hadnHt been sacred of 7ranny Diet6, $ ould hae ept %y %outh tightlyshut,until $ %ade a brea for it. '9;T 7RA88BI)As $ said this, she shoed the head cheese into %y %outh, and she said, che it. The first%o%ent the eird %eat hit %y %outh. $ anted to gag and spit it out. $ as about to do

*ust that, hen $ looed at 7ranny stared at %e ith a %alicious %anner.

7E!" i"08



5y %ind forced %e to che. The 4ello %eat, as aful ith a *elly type of te3ture, andthen you ould hit the %eat part, hich as a little better than the *ello part, but not%uch. 7ranny is torturing %e ith lunch %eat.

BELO4 IS AN ACTUAL 9ICTURE OF HEADCHEESE0

STRANGE LOO*ING UFO ST6LE LUNCH5EAT FOR THE FOODIE2



At that %o%ent, $ reali6ed that granny anted us gone. <he had started the assault

on our %inds ith deious %ethods that included her deil dogs snea attacs, and hererbal insults. ?orribly, e endured this torture for %onths until her da%n angry broe

oer one of 7rannies pets.

5aybe, if $ had e%braced the picled pigs feet and the headcheese, ho nos, $%ight hae a career in being a foodie on the Trael 8etor. <adly, $ ent into the dar,grunge orld of 5ainfra%e co%puters, hich of course is not so%ething that ends up asentertain%ent T".

For 'o- /ids "r'in "o e" in"o bein ! Food Ne"wor/ s"!r+ m' !d#i,e is o "o !

De$i !nd )-r,h!se some he!d,heese+ )i,/$ed )is %ee" !nd ! %i%"h o% Vod/!0

6o- now m!' be on o-r w!' "o be ! Foodie s"!r+ i% 'o- ,!n ,ons-me !$$ "h!"wi"ho-" -),h-,/in1

GOOD LUC* *IDS2

FUTURE FOOD STARS OF CABLE STATIONS UN*NO4N0

5A6 6OUR STO5ACH AND LIVER HOLD OUT FOR 5AN6 TV SEASONS0

eating and drinking for a living: how to be a travel show foodie host

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