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Dreaded Lawyer/Esquire JokesCompounded

Compliments of Barry J. Lipson, Esq.

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Dreaded Lawyer/Esquire JokesCompounded

Compliments of Barry J. Lipson, Esq.

See, see what should I see.A horses head where his tail should be?

And who would this displacement be blamed on?Why, the Esquire/Squire who traditionally is charged with:

Taking care of the knight's horses, andReplacing the knight's horse with a new horse

or the squire's should the horse be injured or killed,or presumably displaced (Wikipedia).

And the Esteemed Squire, the Esquire(or perhaps here today the eSquire),

is the Abogado, the Attorney, the Lawyer!

So in this little couplet lies a tale Here we hear the displaced tall tail tale,

The horses head replaced with tail tall tale,The benighted knights squires tall tail tale.

Placing, displacing, replacing unwarrantedbelittling blame (a shame!) on the Esquire/Lawyer.

For in the dreaded dead of night,the horsing around, the horseplay of the horse,

in turning around to expose his base, his rear, his ass,to the donkeys, the squires clients.

Thus, giving birth there in their belittling benighted minds,the basis for these baseless, these base Lawyer Jokes,

that hear ye we herein compound for you today!

Now For The Horse Play!Read On & Enjoy!!!

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Dreaded Lawyer/Esquire Jokes

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"The housewife replies: "Four!".The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through myspreadsheet one more time."The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much doyou want it to be?"

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on thequality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:"How much for Engineer brain?""3 dollars an ounce.""How much for brain?""4 dollars an ounce.""How much for lawyer brain?""100 dollars an ounce.""Why is lawyer brain so much more?""Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, yoube first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor.""That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman.""Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day,she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacherexplained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to aseven-year-old?"

Heard Alan King tell this on an Ed Sullivan retrospective:The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kindof coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrongkind. Should be fire OR theft."

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands ofpeople ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at thegate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him upto the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, andby my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a smallquantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Petershows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps,halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight

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from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn of a huge palatial estate withall sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spendingeternity, (at least until the end of time..)"Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly waitto see my digs!".They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appearmore and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses.Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave,wishing the pontiff all his best.The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out, "Hey Pete! What's the deal here?You put that lawyer in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, endup with this dive?"Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies, "Look here old fellow, this street ispractically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're puttingyou here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets anestate, because he's the first lawyer to make it up here!!"

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.3) Overcharging fees to many clients.4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversialcase.And the list goes on for quite awhile.The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues,"Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandlerand once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him togo to hell."

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub- scribed to a fund forhis funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only ashilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go andbury 20 more of them."

At the funeral of a lady was her doctor, a friend and her lawyer. Each had promised herthat at her funeral they would toss $1000 into her grave. The doctor and friend eachtossed in their $1000 cash, after which the lawyer removed the cash and placed a checkfor $3000.

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes,who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executionerfollow."

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solvedher legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoeniciansinvented money, there has been only one answer to that question."

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Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the juryacquitted him. Later that day, Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at thehearing."Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.""Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrestedfor?""Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he wentand took the car I stole."

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of yourbackground," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'dreturn the compliment," replied the witness.

Definition of a lawyer: a man who helps you get what's coming to him.

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not toobad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. Ontheir way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do theyever bury two people in the same grave?""Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?""The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will beno problem with fee-splitting.

These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the AtlanticOcean. After 37 hours in the air, George says, "Harry, we better lose some altitude so wecan see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloondescends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets askthat guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, could you tell us wherewe are?". And the man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in theair". George turns to Harry and says, "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says,"How can you tell?". George says, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, andtotally useless". That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried aboutGeorge and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New YorkTimes: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".

Product Liability SuitIn The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No.B19293, Judge Joan Kujava, PresidingWile E. Coyote, Plaintiff vs. Acme Company, DefendantOpening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hearbybring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor ofassorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state,district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss ofbusiness income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or grossnegligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code Chapter 47, section2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.

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Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions, he has purchased of the AcmeCompany (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail order department,certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture orimproper cautionary labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchaseare at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustainedby Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in the profession ofpredator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen'sCompensation.Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th, he received of Defendant via parcel post oneAcme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket sled to aid him inpursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled, Mr. Coyote removed it from itswooden shipping crate and sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr.Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden andprecipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifteen feet.Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causingsevere strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled.Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along itspath, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment, theanimal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted tofollow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poor design and engineering on theRocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent steering system. Shortly thereafter, the uncheckedprogress of the Rocket Sled led it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. ErnstGrosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damagesuffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a fullbandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on allfour legs. Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to supporthimself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair ofAcme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he becameinvolved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled.Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attachedpowerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provisionfor passenger safety.Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon afterstrapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole inthe shape of his full silhouette.Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has sufferedmishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker,the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail OrderExplosives Catalog and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, itis safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyoteperformed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much timeand personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a woodentrough beginning at the top of the butte and spiralling downward around it to some fewfeet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a waythat a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftlydown to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile ofbirdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalog #78)climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, andMr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem,causing the bomb to detonate.

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In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to naught, the prematuredetonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr.Coyote:Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.Sooty discoloration.Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with acreaking noise.Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashydisintegration.Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.

We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of thesepurchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments havebeen shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at SantaBarbara for analysis, but to date, no explanation has been found for this product's suddenand extreme malfunction.As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and- metalsandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in atightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believedthat this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of thechase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by theirbottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr.Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyardrelease. Within a short time, Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path comingtoward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of thesprings at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pullthe lanyard release. At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyoteforward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked onunharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in the air. Then the twin springs recoiled,bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight ofhis head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote wasthrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, whichwas roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling andrecoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came intocontact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both cameinto contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued forsome time. The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr.Coyote, viz, flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction oflength of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head.Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds inMr. Coyote's body tissues, a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote toexpand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an offkey,accordion-like wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of thissymptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture andsale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has usedits market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as

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itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-longrubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has noother domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our tradingpartners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giantcompany is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful mannerover and over again.Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implicationsand assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr.Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost fromprofessional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering,injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred andfifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censureDefendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the onlylanguage they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equalprotection under the law.

Lawyers are the only profession where the more there are, the more are needed! - RobertLucky, IEEE Spectrum

Lawyers in JapanCopied from the Sunday Daily Breeze -Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's well-oiledeconomic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful engine of productivitybegins to sputter and fail.What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increasedunemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economicallydebilitating - and permanent.Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice lawin Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!The decline has begun.Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of oneattorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for thefirst time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers haveapplied for permission to open practices in Japan.If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American attorneys.What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surpluscommodity?

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Lookingforward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, thenstopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I wouldhave rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!""Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin'and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. WhenSatan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find alawyer?"

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A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection,the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it."Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer."Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law tobury two people in the same grave. However, I could put "here lies an honest lawyer.""But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer."Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That'sstrange!"

It has been discovered that lawyers are the larval stage of politicians.

There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.

No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. - Jean Giradoux

A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.

There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.

I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so let's discuss his absence ofcharacter! - Michael Lara

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income taxreturn last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.' - Michael Lara

Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did youknow that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?""Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?""Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, thelab assistants don't get so attached to them. Third, lawyers multiply faster in numbers,Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to their torture. And fifth, there are somethings even a rat won't do. There is a drawback however; sometimes it's very hard toextrapolate the test results to human beings"Why do behavioral scientists prefer lawyers to rats for their experiments? There are moreof the lawyers to work with, lab assistants are less likely to feel sympathy for them, theymultiply faster, animal rights groups will not object to their torture, and there are somethings even a rat won't do.

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which heretreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a differentfriend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in abackwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakianfriend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.Well, they had a splendid time in the country, rising early and living in the greatoutdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out topick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gatheringblueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears, a male

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and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend,though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Thelawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the localbackwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patchwith the lawyer.Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in *that* one!" cried the lawyer,pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in hishead. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without battingan eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female."Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!""Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would _you_ believe a lawyer who told you that theCzech was in the male?"

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottleof the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR,we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good asthe one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw itaway..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. Allthe others are quite impressed.The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke itsaying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the worldthere is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throwthem away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas through the window. One moretime, everybody is quite impressed.At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyerthrough it...

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece ofmeat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog'sowner?"The lawyer answers, "Absolutely.""Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 (attorneys don't carrycash; it's too plebeian).Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20due for a consultation.

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their carexpired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at thedoor, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep inthe barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Tenminutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi enteredexclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion tosleep in the same room with a pig!"The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs.However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying,"There's a cow in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against myreligion!"

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The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problemsleeping with animals.Two minutes later, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...

The Lawyer's Motto:"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concernedparties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretoforementioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenanceprocedures."In Other Words: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer go out hunting in the woods one day. Each of thembrings along his hunting dog, and they spend most of the morning arguing about which ofthe dogs is the smartest. Early in the afternoon, they discover a clearing in the forest. Inthe middle of the clearing is a large pile of animal bones.Seeing the bones, the doctor turns to the others and says, "I'm going to prove to you twothat my dog is the smartest. Watch this!" He then calls his dog over and says, "Bones!See the bones? Go get 'em!" The dog rushes over to the pile, rummages around for a bit,and then proceeds to build a replica of the human skeleton, perfect down to the last detail.The doctor grins smugly; after all, his dog has just build a *human* skeleton from*animal* bones.The engineer, however, is totally unimpressed. "That's nothing," he says. "Watch this."He calls his dog over, and points out the pile. "Bones! Get the bones!" The dog rushesover, tears down the skeleton, and in its place builds a perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower.It even has a little French flag waving at the top. The doctor is forced to agree that theengineer's dog is, in fact, smarter than his own.The lawyer, however, is still not impressed. "My dog is smarter," he says. "Watch." Hethen calls his dog over, points to the pile, and says simply "Bones." The dog rushes overto the pile, tears down the tower, eats half the bones, buries the other half, and takes therest of the afternoon off.

Two lawyers made a date to have lunch together. The first person showed up on time, butthe second person didn't show until 1-1/2 hours after they were supposed to meet...1st lawyer: "How come you're so late?"2nd lawyer: "Oh, I ran over a milk bottle and got a flat tire.."1st lawyer: "A milk bottle? Didn't you see it in the road?"2nd lawyer: "No - the kid had it under his coat..."

Washington State Attorney Season And Bag Limits1300.01 GeneralAny person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait isprohibited.Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove deadattorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, oraircraft.It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose oftrapping attorneys.It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

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It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicleaccidents to attract attorneys.It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries,whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possessit.Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS,rabies, and vermin.It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, femalelegal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of huntingattorneys.Bag Limits

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 22. Two-faced Tort Feasor 13. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 44. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 25. Honest Attorney EXTINCT6. Cut-throat 27. Back-stabbing Whiner 28. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 29. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY

10. Hairy Civil Libertarian 7

Legal business card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe - Attorneys at Law

When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that afterhe bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you servelawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer,and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cowby the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator, it would be a goodidea to just leave them there.

There was a young man shipwrecked on an island. He found a magic lamp on the shoreone day, picked it up and rubbed it. A Genie appeared. However, he was not a typicalGenie, he was an attorney Genie. When the Genie told the man he was also an attorney,the man laughed and said, "Oh come on, Genies can't be attorneys too!"The Genie said he would prove it. He told the man to make his three wishes, but on onecondition, for every wish he made, all attorneys were granted double of what the manwished for. The man pondered the offer and decided that something was better thannothing and decided his three wishes."My first wish is for 1 million dollars."

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The Genie reminded the man that he would grant the wish, but all attorneys would getdouble that amount. The man agreed and then made his second wish. "My second wish isfor a beautiful blonde with blue eyes."Once again, the Genie granted the wish and also granted all attorneys with two of theblonde eyed babes.The Genie announced that the man had one more wish and to consider his choicecarefully. The man thought for a moment. Suddenly, he drew the Genie's attention to apiece of driftwood lying on the beach. He told the Genie: "For my next wish, please pickup that piece of driftwood and beat me _half_ to death!!!"

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of therobbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers,up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going onlawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down,lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?", to which lawyer number one replies, "it'sthat $50 I owe you."

A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away withouta will. "Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the lawyer. "You mean *right*before he died?" sobbed the widow. "Yes," replied the lawyer. "They might be helpful ifit's not too painful for you to recall." "Well," she began, "he said "Don't try to scare me!You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that gun."

A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind ofanimal they are, so they decide to feel each other. The rabbit says, "You feel me first."The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit. He says, "Well, you have fur allover, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..."The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!"Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over,and there's a little forked tongue..."The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."

Man goes goes to lawyer for help.Man: What is your least expensive fee?Lawyer: $50 for three questions.Man: That's pretty expensive isn't it?Lawyer: Yes. So what's your third question?

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them upand everything inside is numbered."The second one said, "I think librarians are easiest to operate on. You open them up andeverything inside is in alphabetical order."The third one said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everythinginside is color-coded."The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless,and their head and their tail are interchangeable."

The scene is heaven, with three men standing at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter says to thefirst man, "Let's see, you're Mr. Jones, the engineer. We've been expecting you. Pleasefollow me." Saint Peter leads him down a hall to a door marked #101.

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"This is where you'll be staying Mr. Jones," says Saint Peter as he opens the door. Insideis a dark, dank, cold, musty room. Water is dripping from the rocklike walls wheretorture equipment is hanging. Chained to the center of the floor is a growling, fierce-looking dog.Mr. Jones steps in and a loud voice cries out from above, "Mr.Jones! You have sinned!"Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the remaining two men waiting at the entrancegate."And you are Mr. Smith, the doctor", Saint Peters addresses the second man. "You are inroom 102. Please follow me." Once again when the door is opened this room is dark anddank, water dripping down the walls with horrible torture equipment hangingeverywhere, and a growling, snarling dog chained to the center of the floor.As Mr. Smith steps in, a voice from above cries, "Mr. Smith! You have sinned!"Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the last man waiting at the entrance gate."And you must be Mr. Brown, the lawyer. We have been waiting for you. You are inroom number 103. Please follow me." When they get to room #103, Saint Peter opens thedoor to reveal another dark, musty, gloomy room with torture equipment hanging fromthe water dripping walls.But in the center of the room stands Bo Derek. As the lawyer steps in the room the voicecries out, "Bo Derek! You have sinned!"

Malborn sat in his attorney's office."Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said."Give me the bad news first.""Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.""That's the bad news?" aslked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terriblenews.""The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handedeach of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise thatafter his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin.He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week laterthe man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed anenvelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these threemet several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confessionsaying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, ratherthan waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked fortheir forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed thathe too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, headmitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste themoney so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyerwas seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in thefelonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one whokept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed inthe coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelop contained my personal checkfor the entire $25,000.

A great line by Danny de Vito in Other People's Money:Of course I've got lawyers. They are like nuclear weapons: I've got em coz everyone elsehas. But as soon as you use them they mess everything up.

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"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent."And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.Banging his gavel sharply, His Honor interrupted: "All right, now that both attorneyshave been identified, let's get on with this case."

A lawyer is driving his new, red, convertible BMW when he runs a red light and is broad-sided by a Ford. He stumbles out in shock, all the while whining "My Beamer. My poorBeamer". A cop arrives on the scene and points out "Sir, your arm has been torn off". Thelawyer looks at where his left arm used to be and screams "My Rolex!!!"

Harry Bender: Imagine the appeals, dissents and remandments, if lawyers had written'The Ten Commandments'

Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over thewhite line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done,although neither is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident on eitherhowever.They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the policeon his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes.It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The laywer offers the doctor a drink ofbrandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, whoputs it away."Aren't you also going to have a drink?" the doctor says."After the police get here." replies the lawyer.

The October 8, 1990 issue of Fortune has picked up on a small story which appeared inthe Los Angeles Times.As best as I remember, there was a lawyer who got caught three times in an alleged speedtrap. He sued the city under RICO (Racketeering Influence and Corruption) statutes. Partof the allegation is that the city set the speed limit without reviewing the traffic patternsevery 5 years.A judge ruled that the city could be sued under RICO.I doubt that this is what they had in mind when Congress passed the RICO statutes.

From the "Around New York" column of the New York Times, April 3, 1991:Court Says Legal Aid Lawyers Had Right To Wear ButtonsA state appeals court ruled yesterday that Legal Aid Society lawyers had a constitutionalright to wear "Ready to Strike" buttons in October, when they argued their cases in court.The lawyers were wearing the buttons to signify their support of a threatened strike. ButJustice George Roberts of State Supreme Court ordered them to remove their buttons inhis Manhattan courtroom on the ground they could prejudice the court and upset theirclients.The Apellate division of the State Supreme Court said "the mere act of wearing a button"was protected by the Constitution's guarantee of free speech.Justice Richard W. Wallach pointed out in a concurring opinion that Justice Roberts hadsaid he would have allowed non-political buttons such as those that said "Save theWhales". But Justice Wallach issued a caution to all lawyers:

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"If the choice had to be made between saving the lives of lawyers or saving whales, thereis little doubt that the overwhelming majority of Americans would come down on theside of the whales"

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walkingdown the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, hewould swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerveback on the road. This pasttime was immensely enjoyable to the truck driver.One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he thoughthe would do a good turn by offering the priest a lift. He pulled the truck over and askedthe priest, "Where are you going, Father?""I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!" replied the priest."No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."With that, the happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the truck driver continueddown the road.Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and instinctively heswerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, soat the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However,even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and when hedidn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit thatlawyer.""That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeingthe two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind, "Do I tellmy partner?"

About 1900, a very respectable Western lawyer was filing some insurance papers whenhe came to the question: "If your father is dead, state the cause." Unwilling to reveal thathis father had been hanged for cattle rustling, the lawyer evaded the problem byanswering this way: "He died while taking part in a public ceremony when the platformgave way."After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sittingidle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him."Show him right in!" our lawyer replied.As Mr. Jones was being ushered in, our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up thephone and shouts into it "And you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousanddollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!"Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning, Mr.Jones, what can I do for you?""I'm from the phone company" Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your phone."

Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go along learningmore and more about less and less until they know practically everything about nothing.Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about many things and keeplearning less and less about more and more until they know practically nothing abouteverything.

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Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything but end upknowing nothing about anything because of their constant association with experts andlawyers.

A very good man dies, and as a reward for a life well-spent, goes to heaven. When hearrives, St. Peter meets him at the gate."Welcome," says St. Peter, "since you were such a good person in life, you may enterheaven.""Thank you," said the man. "But before I come in, could you tell me what kind of otherpeople are here?""Well, all kinds," replied St. Peter."Are there any convicted criminals in heaven?" asked the man."Yes, some," said St. Peter."Are there any communists in heaven?" asked the man."Yes, there are," replied St. Peter."Are there any Nazis in heaven? Asked the man."Just a few," said St. Peter."Well, are there any lawyers in heaven?" asked the man.St. Peter replied "What, and ruin it for everyone else?"

A mobster was on trial, facing a possible life sentence, but his lawyer bribed a juror tohold out for a lesser charge. After hours of deliberation, the jury returned a verdictcarrying a maximum of ten years in prison.Afterward, the lawyer approached the juror. "You had me so worried! When the jury wasout so long, I was afraid you couldn't pull it off.""I was worried too!" answered the juror. "The others all wanted to acquit him!"

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years."Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days."George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???"Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."

A redundancy in wording: Criminal Lawyers

The temperature control in Hell went haywire and the heat started to make even thecondition in Heaven uncomfortable. St. Peter got Satan on the horn and yelled, "You'dbetter fix that immediately or I'll sue."On hearing that, Satan chuckled, "Oh yeah, how? I have all the lawyers down here. Andbesides, how can I fix it when you have all the good engineers?"

Dr. McCoy was involved in a shuttle craft accident and he was left trapped inside thedamaged ship. While Captain Kirk was waiting for the emergency crews to free hiscomrade he pounded on the ship and shouted, "Bones, Bones! Do you think you'realright? Are you badly hurt?" To which Dr. McCoy replied, "Damn it, Jim! How should Iknow? I'm a doctor, I'm not a lawyer!"

A Farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.The Attorney asked "May I help you?".The Farmer said "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."The Attorney said "Do you have any grounds?"

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The Farmer said "Yea, I got about 140 acres."The Attorney said "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"The Farmer said "No, I got a John Deere."The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"The Farmer said, "Yeh, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."The Attorney said "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?"The Farmer said, "Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to Church ever' Sunday."The Attorney said, "Well Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"The Farmer said, "No Sir, we both get up at 4:30 A.M. together."The Attorney then said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?"The Farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last kid was a nagger and that's whyI want this Dayvorce!"

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

Augustine's LawsBulls do not win bull fights; people do.People do not win people fights; lawyers do.

The exact date that professional attorneys came into existence is unknown, although thefirst complaints about them were recorded in the twelfth century.

Two thirds of the world's lawyers are located right here in the United States. This has led,in some quarters, to occasional suggestions for a new export product.

Why are there more flies in Cairo than lawyers in Washington?Answer: Cairo got first choice.

Almost 37 percent of the U. S. House of Representatives and 53 percent of the U. S.Senate are comprised of lawyers. It's like buying chicken wire from the fox - a FullEmployment Act for lawyers.

Forbes magazine recently reported an incident whereby a man attempted to kill himselfby jumping in front of a subway car in New York; however, having failed, he won a$650,000 judgement from New York City because the train hit him.

The Denver Post may have been on to more than it realized when it reported, "... theformer Deputy Attorney General said the bar has never been so successful in serving thepoor.

Marlene T. Sipes, a Columbia S.C. lawyer, was suspended for a year in March by thestate supreme court on charges that she pocketed $1,819 in 1986 from her daughter's GirlScout troop cookie fund.

Talk is cheap...until lawyers get involved.

I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyerthinks he can get me five.

If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers? - CalvinTrillin

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4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers,they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accidentended their lives.When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married,saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. Hethought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married ina simple ceremony.So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternitywas best not spent together.They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but nowwe believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can getdivorced?""Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here tomarry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"

On CNN: The outlook for the economy is so bad that the mob in New Jersey just laid off3 judges.

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having awife or a mistress.The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, itcauses all sorts of legal problems.The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers yourstress and is good for your health.The mathematician says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wifethinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can dosome mathematics.

"My daddy is a movie actor, and sometimes he plays the good guy, and sometimes heplays the lawyer." - Malcolm Ford, to his preschool classmates on what his father, actorHarrison Ford, does for a living.

Tax Laws Caught In A Time Warp"The provisions of the preceding sentence shall not be applicable with respect to thetaxable year beginning January 1, 1975, or any succeeding taxable year which beginsbefore January 1, 1980; and, for purposes of such sentence, January 1, 1980, shall bedeemed to be the first January 1 occurring after January 1, 1974, and consecutive taxableyears in the period commencing January 1, 1980, shall be determined as if the taxableyear which begins on January 1, 1980, were the taxable year immediately succeeding thetaxable year which began on January 1, 1974." - Internal Revenue Code 3302(c)(2)(C)

Sesquipedality Award For Most Splendiferous Display Of Highfalutin' Vocabulary"The evidentiary record consisting of a four (4) day trial is gargantuan, elephantine, andBrobdingnagian... It would be hebetudinous and obtuse to fail to be cognizant of theadverse consequences of a ruling in this case. However, a decision by the court shouldnot be infected with pusillanimity and timidity. The karma of this case must not bealeatory or adventitious, but a pellucid and transpicuous analysis of the law and facts...

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With certitude and intrepidity and hopefully, with some degree of sagacity, sapience, andperspicaciousness, this court disposes of the relevant and germane issues.Autochthonously, this court bifurcates the issues for decisional purposes. The primigenialissue is whether a new trial should be granted. The court comes to this infrangible,ineluctable, and adamantine conclusion that defendant's motion for a new trial absolutelymust be denied. The French phrase 'pas du tout' is applied in rejecting the defendant'sargument... I find defendant's degree of culpability to be magnitudinous andmegatherine." - Circuit Judge Ralph Anderson, of South Carolina.

From "The Exploits of the Incomparable Mullah Nasrudin" by Indries Shah, The OctagonPress Ltd., London, 1983 as quoted in "Qualitative Evaluation and Research Methods" byMichael Quinn Patton, Sage Publications, 1990. Reprinted without permission.A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding aroundtrying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting. "Give meyour hand!" but the man would not reach up. Mulla Nasrudin elbowed his way throughthe crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "what is your profession?""I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man."In that case," said Nasrudin, "take my hand!"The man immediately grasped the Mulla's hand and was hauled to safety. Nasrudinturned to the amazed bystanders. "Never ask a tax man to give you anything, you fools."

When I worked for the Infernal Revenue (Dis)Service (about 15 years ago), a bunch of uspooled our paychecks (after withholding) and bought a money order for $1.49. Then wewrote up an *obviously* phony AMENDED return in the name of "Hu Flung Dung, #2Cresent Moon Drive, Pottyville, NY" and submitted it with a letter saying that the"taxpayer" had found an error in his calculations and was making amends. As if thatweren't funny enough, when the IRS receives an amended return *with money*, they arerequired, by their own rules, to continue searching *until they find the original*. Forever.Across the entire country. (They're probably still looking.)

This was printed in the San Francisco Examiner, April 16, 1989. The poet is anonymousbecause, to quote the IRS spokesman, "anything that's sent to the IRS is classified asconfidential".

I think that I shall never seea tax form plain e-nough for me.A form that I can understandwithout a lawyer near at handto guide this poor benighted meso I won't owe a pen-al-ty.

A form that I will not detestor take as more than awful jest.A form with pages I can readand fill out ea-si-ly with speed.Such forms weren't made for fools like meNor even God, who made a tree.

An in-house IRS study revealed in February that the agency loses two million tax returnsand related documents annually. One employee said that when preparing for audits, he

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routinely requests taxpayers' files from the state agencies because they are more likely tohave the documents.

A recent addition to the IRS employee manual makes clear that the agency wouldcontinue to operate and to collect taxes immediately after any national emergency -"especially resulting from nuclear attack."

From the Miami Herald:Depending on your profession, it appears that breasts can qualify as business assets - anddepreciable ones at that.Indiana exotic dancer Cynthia S. Hess, aka "Chesty Love", claimed a $2,088 deduction in1988 for depreciation on the surgical implants that enlarged her bust to size 56FF.Special Trial Judge Joan Seitz Pate of U.S. Tax Court has allowed the deduction, rulingthat the implants did indeed increase Hess' income and that the breasts are so large andcumbersome, about 10 pounds each, that they make her appear "freakish" and shecouldn't derive personal benefit from them.

From the television show "Frasier," a dialogue between Frasier and Niles, brothers andfellow psychiatrists:Frasier: I hate lawyers.Niles: I do too, but they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insuranceand they never get better.

My accountant recently sent me a thick wad of photocopied pages about the IRS'sposition on home offices, in which I (really, truly) found the following startling bit.From _Federal Tax Coordinator_ 2d, 2/18/93-73, pp. 34,052B - 34,053,Section L-1311, "Residence Used for Business" [footnotes omitted]:Even though a taxpayer may have to do part of her work at home, if another location washer principal place of business, a deduction will be denied. Thus, where taxpayer who rana hot dog stand had to prepare meats, stews, and soups at home because the stand wasn'tbig enough, the Tax Court denied a deduction because sales, which produced her income,and final packaging for consumption, took place at the hot dog stand.A pharmacist whose rented premises couldn't be expanded to include an office couldn'tget a deduction for his home office.A nurse-anesthetist who rendered service to patients only at hospitals couldn't get adeduction, even though he had to do his record keeping, billing, and professional readingat home.An emergency room doctor who treated patient at a hospital 35 hours a week was denieddeductions for a home office where he performed related tasks 5 hours a week.[In the next 8 paragraphs, home office deductions are denied to a housing court judge, aprofessional actor, a contractor, someone with muffler repair and airplane leasingbusinesses, an office worker whose employer supplied her with home office equipment,airline pilots, an engineer, and a licensed real estate person. We finally come to our lonesuccess...]A drug dealer was entitled to a home office deduction with respect to a portion of hisapartment where it was his only place of business and he made substantial use of it in hisdealings in amphetamines, cocaine, and marijuana.Perhaps I'm in the wrong business? - Lauren Ruth Wiener, writer

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Courthouse officials in Durham, N.C., suspect that in February 1994, a disgruntledlawyer or lawyers stole a big stack of brochures that explained how battered womencould obtain court orders against their husbands without resorting to a lawyer.

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended thetrial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyerand his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading: "Justice hastriumphed!" The client wired back: "Appeal at once!"

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment,he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman. "What a ripoff," the manmuttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautifulwoman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting Satan snarled, "Who are youto question that woman's punishment?"

A lawyer was asked if hed like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn'tseen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the case.

The lawyer wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset, telling him, "You'relate! You said you'd be home by 11:45!" The lawyer replied, "I'm right on time. I said I'dbe home by a quarter of twelve."