managingmanagingdifficultdifficultconversationsconversations9 questions to ask yourself9 questions to ask yourself
barbara greenebarbara greenelogos consulting grouplogos consulting group
first:first:a disclaimera disclaimer
what wewhat we’’reretalkingtalkingabout todayabout todayisnisn’’t basedt basedon this bookon this book
ii’’ve ve heard itheard it’’s good, but is good, but ihavenhaven’’t read itt read it
okay, letokay, let’’s go!s go!
consider these 3 imagesconsider these 3 images
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what do theywhat do theyhave to do withhave to do with
difficultdifficultconversationsconversations??
what do theywhat do theyhave to do withhave to do with
you?you?
back to theback to the 3 images3 images
letlet’’s start in thes start in themiddlemiddle
are you familiarare you familiarwith this brainwith this brain
teaser?teaser?
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so, now, get out yourso, now, get out yourpencilpencil
so,now get outyour pencil
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· · ·· · ·go ahead—go ahead—copy this downcopy this down
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· · ·· · ·connect all 9 dotsconnect all 9 dots
usingusing 4 straight lines4 straight lines andand dondon’’t lift yourt lift your
pencil from the pagepencil from the page
give up?give up?
already know the answer?already know the answer?
this way for the answerthis way for the answer
{ just one of the possibilities }{ just one of the possibilities }
did you try todid you try toconnect all the dots in aconnect all the dots in asquare configuration?square configuration?
free yourselffree yourself
open the boxopen the box
that puzzle wasthat puzzle wasoriginally givenoriginally givento engineers toto engineers tohelp them thinkhelp them think
beyondbeyondconstraintsconstraints
itit’’s where thats where that now annoying now annoying
phrase phrase *think outside*think outside
the box*the box* comes comes fromfrom
many of us letmany of us letdifficultdifficult
conversationsconversationsput us into aput us into a
boxbox
a box ofa box ofconflictconflict
a box of uglya box of uglyconfrontationconfrontation
many people want tomany people want toavoid a conflict oravoid a conflict or
confrontationconfrontation
conflict and confrontationconflict and confrontationdondon’’t have to be uglyt have to be ugly
conflict andconflict andcconfrontationonfrontationdondon’’t have tot have to
be uglybe ugly
yes, difficult conversations canyes, difficult conversations caninvolve bloody bits of gladiationinvolve bloody bits of gladiation
Or it can be ritualized playfighting just like in the animal kingdom
or they can be a form ofor they can be a form ofplay fightingplay fighting
just like in thejust like in theanimal kingdomanimal kingdom
Or it can be ritualized playfighting just like in the animal kingdom
difficult conversationsdifficult conversationsare both are both inevitableinevitable and andtemporarytemporary
Or it can be ritualized playfighting just like in the animal kingdom
they can provide anthey can provide anenergizing creative force,energizing creative force,
and no one has to feeland no one has to feelvanquishedvanquished
difficultdifficultconversationsconversations
conflictconflicthappenshappensas a naturalas a naturalpart of lifepart of life
drama maydrama mayensue and itensue and itmay be harshmay be harsh
we can negotiatewe can negotiatethrough thethrough thedrama and movedrama and moveonon
we can learnwe can learnsomethingsomething
conflict andconflict andcconfrontationonfrontationdondon’’t have tot have to
be uglybe ugly
true dialogue requires negotiationtrue dialogue requires negotiation
not gladiationnot gladiation
so, go ahead. so, go ahead. dive in.dive in. even if you are even if you aredangdangerously close to the edge.erously close to the edge.
keep in mind:keep in mind:opposing viewsopposing views
are nothing more thanare nothing more than dots of informationdots of information
that need to bethat need to beconnectedconnected
if you want toif you want toconnect the dotsconnect the dots
creativelycreativelyask yourselfask yourself 99
criticalcritical questionsquestions
#1#1
what are my concerns?what are my concerns?
have you written down your concerns?have you written down your concerns?
how well can you articulate them?how well can you articulate them?
#2#2
what can i do with thewhat can i do with theopportunity in front of me?opportunity in front of me?
““the quickest way to kindle athe quickest way to kindle afire is to rub two opposingfire is to rub two opposing
opinions togetheropinions together””
~ unknown~ unknown
fire is just one possibilityfire is just one possibility
handling explosive mattershandling explosive mattersis riskyis risky
you have to negotiate the delicateyou have to negotiate the delicatedivide betweendivide between
danger and creativitydanger and creativity
the important lesson:the important lesson:
beautiful resultsbeautiful resultscan occurcan occur
#3#3
what am i willing to do towhat am i willing to do tomake make ‘‘itit’’ work? work?
ask yourself:ask yourself:
what wouldwhat wouldsuccesssuccess
look like?look like?
does it mean you have to windoes it mean you have to wineverything?everything?
at all costs?at all costs?
will winning everythingwill winning everythingmake matters worsemake matters worse
in the long run?in the long run?
bridging the chasm betweenbridging the chasm betweenopposing points of view is aopposing points of view is acenturies-old endeavorcenturies-old endeavor
find a way to build a bridgefind a way to build a bridge
find a larger goalfind a larger goalyou both shareyou both share
meet the other person halfwaymeet the other person halfway
#4#4
what is my first step?what is my first step?
one suggestion:one suggestion:
accept that great minds thinkaccept that great minds thinkdifferentlydifferently
understand that peopleunderstand that peopleprocess informationprocess information
in different waysin different ways
remember this image?remember this image?
thatthat’’s the universe ofs the universe ofinformationinformation
trying to come intotrying to come intothe computerthe computer
that is your brainthat is your brain
some people need tosome people need tosort and categorizesort and categorize
informationinformationbefore they can process itbefore they can process it
andand work towardwork towarda solutiona solution
➡➡ solutionsolution
unfortunatelyunfortunately
sometimes whensometimes whenthe informationthe information
has been sorted andhas been sorted andthe solution has beenthe solution has been
put into place,put into place,itit’’s difficults difficult
for the person to undofor the person to undothe processthe process
then there arethen there areother people who haveother people who havea great big spam filtera great big spam filter
in their brainsin their brains
they focus onthey focus ona few key pointsa few key points
and the rest of the dataand the rest of the datamay not even get intomay not even get into
their analysistheir analysisof a situationof a situation
solutionsolution ☛☛
unfortunatelyunfortunately
they canthey can missmisssome important detailssome important details
the challenge is not tothe challenge is not todismiss either approachdismiss either approach
doerdoer thinkerthinker
meticulousmeticulous sloppysloppy
analystanalyst visionaryvisionary
tacticaltactical strategicstrategic
both approachesboth approachesare essential toare essential toproblemproblem solvingsolving
#5#5
how can i communicate morehow can i communicate morepersuasively?persuasively?
““in true dialogue, both sides are willing toin true dialogue, both sides are willing tochange.change.”” ~ thich nhat hanh ~ thich nhat hanh
what it takeswhat it takes
clear, positiveclear, positivelanguagelanguage
accurateaccurateperceptionsperceptions
appropriateappropriateemotionsemotions
a forward-a forward-looking focuslooking focus
influenceinfluence and and persuasionpersuasionare the human giftsare the human gifts
that separate us fromthat separate us fromthe animalsthe animals
Or it can be ritualized playfighting just like in the animal kingdom
dive in,dive in,dude!dude!
connect the connect the dots!dots!
influence comes in many formsinfluence comes in many forms
consider all the possibilitiesconsider all the possibilities
visualthesaurusvisualthesaurus.com.com
something I learnedsomething I learnedfrom living infrom living in japanjapan::
influence requiresinfluence requirespatience and couragepatience and courage
zen and the art of positivezen and the art of positivepersuasionpersuasion
catch thecatch thewave!wave!
#6#6
do i have the courage to waitdo i have the courage to waitbefore speaking?before speaking?
think before you speakthink before you speak
be reflectivebe reflective
BetterBetterQuestionQuestion
dondon’’t bet be so quickso quick
to disagreeto disagree
listen firstlisten first
dondon’’t bet be so quickso quick say say ““nono””
#7#7
do i have the courage to saydo i have the courage to say““yes, I hear you?yes, I hear you?””
for a true dialogue to occur,for a true dialogue to occur,people have to know theypeople have to know they have been heard. have been heard. llet themet them know.know.
yes, iyes, ihearhearyouyou
letting others know youletting others know you hear and understand theirhear and understand their positions doesnpositions doesn’’t mean yout mean youhave to agree with themhave to agree with them
iiunderstandunderstand
it shows you careit shows you care
tell metell memore.more. ii’’mmlisteninglistening
caring enough to find outcaring enough to find out about theabout the other personother person’’ss position helps to build aposition helps to build a bridgebridge
hang onhang onwhile I getwhile I getthetheengineersengineers
#8#8
do i have the courage todo i have the courage toinnovate rather than regulate?innovate rather than regulate?
sometimes theresometimes there’’s mores more than one correct answerthan one correct answer
offer peopleoffer people
leave the commandsleave the commands behindbehind
optionsoptions recommendationsrecommendations
proposalsproposals a portfolio of ideasa portfolio of ideas
the goal is to land safely. the goal is to land safely. it takes a team.it takes a team.
#9#9
do i have the courage todo i have the courage tomatch my actions to mymatch my actions to my
words?words?
demonstrate,demonstrate,dondon’’t explicatet explicate
““any momentary triumphany momentary triumphyou think you have gainedyou think you have gainedthrough argument is reallythrough argument is reallyaa pyrrhic victory.pyrrhic victory.
““the resentment and ill-willthe resentment and ill-willyou stir up is stronger andyou stir up is stronger andlasts longer than anylasts longer than anymomentary change ofmomentary change ofopinion.opinion.
““it is much more powerfulit is much more powerfulto get people to agreeto get people to agreethrough your actions,through your actions,without saying a word.without saying a word.””
law 9, law 9, the 48 laws ofthe 48 laws ofpowerpower
robert greenerobert greene
conflict andconflict andcconfrontationonfrontationdondon’’t have tot have to
be uglybe uglystop.the.madness.stop.the.madness.
asking theasking thecritical questionscritical questionsis just theis just thebeginningbeginning
managingmanagingconflict andconflict andconfrontationconfrontationis a processis a process
strive for masterystrive for masterytthroughhroughcontinuouscontinuousnegotiationnegotiation
experienceexperiencebrings insightbrings insightand refinementand refinement
next stepsnext steps
smooth seas do notsmooth seas do notmake skillful sailorsmake skillful sailors
~ african proverb ~ african proverb
before youbefore you gogo……
recommended readingrecommended reading
recommended readingrecommended reading
recommended readingrecommended reading
thank youthank you{{let me know what you thinklet me know what you think}}
barbara greenebarbara greenecommunications consultantcommunications consultant
executive coachexecutive coachlecturerlecturer
[email protected]@logosconsulting.net212.268.4791212.268.4791© © barbara greene barbara greene 20102010
picture creditspicture credits
Photo of artPhoto of artinstallation: installation: ““WalkingWalking
Men 99Men 99”” by artist by artistMaya Maya BarkaiBarkai
““Road toRoad toNowhereNowhere”” by by
MaldivianMaldivianDude/flickrDude/flickr
““Close-up of theClose-up of theThinkerThinker””By BrianBy BrianHillegasHillegas
Watch thisWatch thisspace forspace forproper creditproper credit
““Tigers Play-Tigers Play-fightingfighting”” by by
Michael NicholsMichael Nichols© National© National
GeographicGeographic
““Traffic LightTraffic Light(Long(LongExposure)Exposure)””by by RooRooReynolds/FlickrReynolds/Flickr
Gladiator GamesGladiator Games© © ColosseumColosseumwww.www.colosseumcolosseum.net.net
““DiveDive”” by byMertzFerdler/flickrMertzFerdler/flickr