ConversationallySpeaking:WHATtoSay,WHENtoSayIt,and

HOWtoNeverRunOutofThingstoSay

ByPatrickKingDatingandSocialSkillsCoachwww.PatrickKingConsulting.com

Asashowofappreciationtomyreaders,I’veputtogetheraFREETRAININGVIDEO(justenteryouremailaddress)describingtheBESTexerciseforimmediatesocialandromanticconfidence.Clickovertowatchitnow!

TableofContents

CONVERSATIONALLYSPEAKING:WHATTOSAY,WHENTOSAYIT,ANDHOWTONEVERRUNOUTOFTHINGSTOSAY

TABLEOFCONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

1.MASTERCONVERSATION;RELATIONSHIPS.

2.EVERYONELIKESAVERBALMIRROR.

3.ICEBREAKING,MELTINGGLACIERS,ANDSTARTINGACONVERSATION.

4.COMMONQUESTIONSANDUNCOMMON,BETTERANSWERS.

5.EFFECTIVELISTENINGINTHREESTEPS.

6.BUILDINGABULLETPROOFFIRSTIMPRESSION.

7.TELLSTORIESLIKEHOMERANDAESOPCOMBINED.

8.MAKINGSAFETOPICSINTOFAILSAFECONVERSATIONS.

9.AVOIDAWKWARDANDUNCOMFORTABLESILENCES.

10.BODILYSPEAKING.

11.SOCIALCUESSAYMORETHANYOURWORDS.

12.EXITINGCONVERSATIONSWITHGRACE.

13.CONVERSATIONKILLERS.

14.IT’SANINTROVERT’SPARTYTOO.

15.CONFRONTINGWITHOUTCONFRONTATION.

16.LISTENTOOPENTHEMUP.

17.DIGITALLYSPEAKING.

18.A21-DAYCONVERSATIONBOOTCAMPPLAN.

19.HUMOR101.

CONCLUSION

CHEATSHEET

IntroductionI’vebeenfortunatetohavebeenexposedtoawiderangeofpeoplethatIwouldconsiderrolemodels.Ihavemanyofthetypicalonesthatotherentrepreneursandauthorsdo,buthere’sanunconventionalonethatmightthrowyouforacurve.HenryKissinger.First,somebackground.HenryKissingerisprimarilyknownasanAmericandiplomatwhoservedunderPresidentsRichardNixonandGeraldFord.HewenttoHarvard,andcurrentlyrunsKissingerAssociates,aconsultingfirmthatbrokersinternationalnegotiationsanddealings.SobesidestoanaspiringSenator,whyexactlyisherolemodel-worthy?Well,hislistofaccomplishmentshasliterallychangedthecourseofhistory.Let’stakealook.IntroduceapolicycalleddétentebetweentheUnitedStatesandtheformerSovietUnionattheheightoftheColdWar,whichmanyhistoriansconsiderthebeginningoftheendoftheColdWarandmutualrisingnuclearthreat?Check.InstitutetalksbetweentheUnitedStatesandcommunistChinawhicheventuallyledtotherecognitionandformalizationofrelationsbetweentwonations,ending23yearsofpoorrelations?Check.Oh,andnegotiatetheParisPeaceAccordstoestablishpeaceandenddirectUnitedStatesmilitaryinvolvementinVietnam?Check.Hisbodyofworkspeaksforitself,butit’sreallythemannerandmethodthroughwhichheaccomplishedthesefeatsthatmakeshimahugerolemodelforme.

Athismostbasiclevel,HenryKissingerwasamastercommunicator,negotiator,andpeopleperson.Thisishowhewasabletobringquarrelingcountriestogethernolessthanthreeseparatetimesinhistory,andsaveliterallymillionsoflives.Hewasabletotalkinwaysthatpeoplewouldlistenandseethebenefitofhiswords.Heknewjusthowtoappealtopeople’sdifferingmotivationsandintentionstoworkoutanunderstandingthatnevercouldhavedevelopedotherwise.Hebrokepoliticalstandstillsandbridgedideologicalandphilosophicaldifferencesinwaysthatbothsparedandendedgreatconflicts.Hedeeplyunderstoodhowtobendpeople’spositionstoembracerealityandcompromise.Finally,hejustmadethingshappenthroughsheerskillandwill.Canyouimaginehavingthatmuchsocialgracethatyoucanliterallybendthefateofnationswithyourconversations?Meneither,butthatdoesn’tmeanit’snotaworthygoaltostrivefor.It’sclearwhatthepowerofsimpleconversationcando–ifitcanshapehistory,justimaginehowmuchmoreenrichingitcanhelpourpersonallivesbe?Conversationisthebedrockofanyrelationship,andit’sexactlyhowandwhyyouhavebondedwitheverypersoninyourclosestsocialcircles.Theremayhavebeensomecircumstantialluckinvolvedfromtimetotime,butmyhopeisthatthroughtheprinciplesinthisbook,youwillbeabletostrikeupaconversationwithanyoneatanytime,withnothingcircumstantialrequiredatall.You’llunderstandhowandwhyaconversationplaysoutthewayitdoes,andseeitforthescienceofpatternrecognitionthatitreallyis.Icoverallphasesofatypicalconversationfromicebreakingtoleavingonahighnote,andnearlyeverypartinbetween–notjustWHATtosay,WHENtosayit,andHOWtoneverrunoutofthingstosay…butWHYeverythingworksthewayitdoes.You’lluncoveradeepunderstandingofsocialmechanicsthatwillmakeyou,conversationallyspeaking,preparedforanything.WemightnotbeabletoreunitetheKoreas,butwecandefinitelymakeadifferenceinhowfulfilledweareonadailybasis.

1.Masterconversation;relationships.Whatareyourgoalsinlife?Tooheavytostartwith?Okay,sowhatareyourgoalsforthenextweek?Isitwork-related,hobby-related,orjustsocialinnature?Whateveryouendupansweringisnottheimportantpart–theimportantpartistherealizationthatconversationandsmalltalkisgoingtobeintegraltoaccomplishingit.Ourworldisnotruledbystrictrequirementsandobjectivity,despitewhatwemightliketobelieve.Wedon’tliveinanythingremotelyresemblingameritocracy,andtherelationshipsyouareabletocultivatearereallywhatpropelyouforwardinthislife.Thus,there’salogicalthreadherethatIfeelobligatedtospellout.Successrequiresasmanystrongrelationshipsasyoucancreate,andrelationshipsaremadestrongbyconversationthatdelvesdeepandallowstwopeopletoactuallyconnect.Atitsbest,itallowspeopletodropallpretense,becomevulnerable,andrelatetoeachotherinwaystheyneverthoughtpossible.Thisengenderslove,friends,business,andaccomplishments.Beyondthebenefitsthatbecomingastrongconversationalistwillgiveyou,it’sjustanecessity.Youjustcan’tavoidsocialandinterpersonalinteractionunlessyoudecidetobecomeashut-in…buteventhen,youhavetooccasionallyorderfoodoropenthedoorforthedeliveryman.Unsurprisingly,mostpeoplearenotnaturalsatconversationandsocialskillsingeneral.Whenyouwalkawayfromaninteractionthinkingsomeonewasawkwardormadeyouuncomfortable,that’stheexactindicator.We’reneverexplicitlytrainedinthesethingsthewayweareingeometry,geography,andthecapitalsofeverystateinthecountry.

Gee,Iwonderwhichoneisactuallymoreusefulintherealworld?Peoplealsohavevariousinternalanxietiesandmentalblocksthatmightpreventthemfromsuccessfullyengagingpeopleinconversationonaregularbasis.Regardlessofthepaththatledyoutothispointofwantinghelpandimprovement,restassuredandcomfortedthatitwillbeaneasierclimbthanyouthink.Likeanythingthatisnecessary,youmightinvolveabitofkickingandscreamingasyouleaveyourcomfortzones,buttherearesomecompellingreasonstodoso.First,conversationskillsopentrust.Thefirstmeetingbetweentwopeoplecanbecautiousandtense.Ifyouhavenotbeenintroducedbyfriendsandvalidatedbythenetworkeffect,yousimplydon’tknowsomeoneandwhetherornotyoucantrustthem.Ifthey’llbetrayyouorbenicetoyou.Ifyou’llgetalongorhateeachother.Thefirstfewmomentsareaquickhazeofattemptingtocollectbasicinformationwithwhichtomakeaninformeddecisionabouttrust,openingup,whotobuildrelationshipswith,andwhotoignore.Initialconversationisaneffectivewayofdetectingeachother'sinterestandmostimportantly,figuringoutwhetherwecouldbecomfortablewitheachother.Smalltalkmayseemverysuperficialandratherinnocentbutintermsofinterpersonalrelationships,it'sactuallyaveryimportantfilteringmechanism.Itcangivepeopletheinformationtheyneedwhethertheyplantoletthispersonindeeperintotheirlivesorholdthematacertaindistance.Smalltalkandconversationisreallykindofasociallyacceptedgatewayforyoutoletotherpeopleknowwhatyou'reinterestedin,what'simportanttoyou,whatyourpersonalityislike,andyourpersonaltwistorspinoncommonknowledgeorcurrentevents.Withrustyornon-existentconversationskills,youruntheriskofbeingperceivedassomeonethatisuntrustworthy,notworthspendingtimewith,orjustawkward.Second,conversationskillsmakepeoplefeelsafe.Conversationcanbeasshallowasyouwant.Butdonecorrectly,itmakespeoplefeelcomfortableandsafewithyou,andultimatelytrustyou.

Initialsmalltalkandconversationistypicallyneutralinnature,andaboutharmlesstopicsthatmostpeoplecanagreeon.Anythingelseandit’snotreallysmalltalk,it’sjustabrasiveandoff-puttinginnature.Yetstill,thereistheopportunitytoprovidecontextandinformationaboutwhoyouare,whatyourvaluesare,andhowyouconductyourselfsopeoplecanbecomecomfortableandtrustyou.Thissmalltalkisthegatewaytofriendships,opportunities,andrelationships.Whenpeoplefeelsafe,theyreciprocateandattempttodrawyouintotheirsphereofpersonalspace.They’llsharewithyou,andwhenyouhavetwopeoplesharinginformation,thatisthefoundationoftrustandintimacy.Ourtruefriendsarewhowefeellikewillbethereforusthickandthin.Youdon’tgettothatpositionjustbystandingnexttoeachothersilently,nomatterhowlongyouhavestood.Friendshipsandrelationshipsareaseriesofsharedmomentsandconnections,drivenbyconversation.Ergo,upgradeyourconversationquotientandcapacity,andfindyourselfatthecuspofmanymoredeeprelationshipsandfriendships.

2.Everyonelikesaverbalmirror.There’sasayingthatessentiallystatesthatthebestwaytoengagepeopleistoletthemtalkaboutthemselves.Givethemthespacetoexplaintheirmotivationsandintents,andnoonecanresistthetemptationoftalkingabouttheirowncleverness.Comingfromadatecoachingbackground,Icantellyouthatthesameadviceholdstruebecauseithasthesamegoal.Onadate,it’snotabadruleofthumbtodotheminorityofthetalking,andallowyourdatetotalkaboutthemselvesandtheirthoughts.Weinnatelyknowthatthishastheeffectofdrivingaconversationbecausepeopleliketotalkaboutthemselves.Italsogivestheappearanceofasmooth,flowingconversationbecausebothpeoplearedrivingtheconversationalongandworkingtogetherforasinglepurpose–totalkabouttheotherperson.Theendresultisthattheotherpersonwilljustlikeyoumore,becausetheyhaveperceivedagreatconversationtohavetakenplace.So…doyoufindyourselfclammingupwhenyoumeetnewpeople?Nervousandanxiouswithothers?Thenbecomeaverbalmirror.Shinetheconversationbackontotheotherpersonandseeyourinteractionsblossom.Mostpeoplehaveacertainamountofmentalblocksindealingwithpeoplethattheydon’tknoworhavejustmet.Buttheywilllovetoengageontopicsthattheyarecomfortableonorexpertson…andwhoisn’tanexpertonthemselves?Ifthereisanyonethingabouthumannatureyouneedtolearn,peoplelovetotalkaboutthemselves.Theaveragepersonnavigatestheworldwiththemselvesasthecenter.Theyprocesstheinformationtheworldgivesthemfromtheirownpersonalperspective.

Piggybackonthiscommontendencysothattheybasicallydoalltheworkwhenyou'retalkingtothem.Yourjobistoreadthesignalscarefullysothatyoucanchangethedirectionoftheconversationsothattheycankeeptalking.Andthefunnythingaboutallofthisisthatthebetteryouareatlisteningtopeople,themoretheywouldthinkyouareagreatconversationalist.Prettyparadoxical,right?Conversationstendtosufferasaresultofpeoplefeelingthattheyareinthespotlight.Liketheyareperforming,andwaitingtobejudgedforwhattheysay.Thattheyareinthecenteroftheroomandeveryone’seyesareonthemandmakingthemincrediblyself-conscious.Peopleclamupandthisistheexactphenomenonwhenyoujustcan’tthinkofanythingtosaytosomeone.Thetruthisyou'reagoodconversationalist.Youjustletthepressureofhavingtoperformgetthebestofyou.Thisiswhenanxietyaboutperformingkicksinbecauseyouhaveaveryhumanandcommonplacefear.Whatfearisthis?Thefearofrejection.Nobodylikestoberejected.Nobodylikestobemadetolooklikeafool.Buttherealityisthatyoualreadyhavethosegreatsocialskills.Oneofthebestwaystotrainyourselftodothisistomastertheartofmakingtheotherpersontalk.Sowhenyoumeetanewpersonandstructureanddirecttheconversationbasedonwhat'simportanttothem,youhaveyourselfaninstantconversation–thebestpartofitisthatthere'snoheavyworkonyourpart.Thereisnoneedforyoutofeelthatyouareperformingbecausetheconversationisallaboutthem,andtheyfeelthesamewayintalkingaboutsomethingsocomfortabletothemasthemselves.It'sveryimportantthentofocusonwhatyourjobis.Asimplemindsetshiftcanhelpyouhere.Yourjobduringconversationsisnottograbthespotlightandcomeupwithsomethingprofound,witty,intelligent,orfunny.You’renotintheconversationtoteachorpreach.Dumbitdown!Instead,yourjobistoguidetheconversation.Throwyourselfintherefromtimetotimetolurethepersondeeperintotheconversation.Theactualcontent,theactualmeatoftheconversationcanbeprovidedbytheotherperson.Thebetteryouareatguiding,thesaferyoufeelandthelessanxiousyougetabout

talkingtopeople.Eventually,asenseofmomentumkicksin,andyoucanprettymuchtalkwithanybodybecausetherealityisregardlessofwhethertheyliveontheothersideoftheplanetorasmallcorneroftheUnitedStates,everybodyisthesame.Everybodylovestotalkaboutthemselves.Themorepracticeyouhaveofluringpeopleintalkingaboutacommontopic,toluretheminandhavethembasicallytakeovertheconversationwithyouguidingthematcertainstages,themoreconfidentandateaseyouwouldfeelaroundstrangersandwithanytopic.Thiscanmeanthedifferencebetweenahigh-performingsalesperson,andsomebodywhocan'tsellanythingevenifhisorherlifedependedonit.Thiscanalsomeanthedifferencebetweenmeetingthepersonthatyou'redestinedtolivetherestofyourlifewithanddyingalone.Thestakesareprettyhigh.Greatconversationsreallyareallaboutcallandresponse–peoplecannotresistthecalloftalkingaboutthemselves.Firstfocusonthesetopicsandtransferthefeelingandpracticeyougetfromthem.Keyphrases:

1. Tellmemoreabout____.2. Oh?Howdidthataffectyou?3. Howdidyoucomeupwiththat?4. [Repeatthelastfewwordsofwhattheyjustsaidandtrailoff…]5. Whydidyouthinkofthat?6. Whatwasthebestorworstpartofthat?7. Whydoyouthinkthathappened?

3.Icebreaking,meltingglaciers,andstartingaconversation.Whenfacedwitharoomfulofpeoplewedon’tknow,it’sathreateningsituationforalmostallofus.Howdowepickonepersonout,engagethem,andbreaktheicewiththem?It’saninherentlyuncomfortablesituationthatmakesusafishoutofwater.Wedon’twanttodisruptpeoplethatmightbehavinganicetalkwithsomeoneelse,becauseweknowthatwe’vebeenannoyedwhenrandompeoplehavebutted-in.Wedon’twanttosaythewrongorawkwardthingthatwillstartaninteractionoffonthewrongfoot.Mostofallwejustdon’twanttoberejected!However,aswithallthingsthathingearoundthefearofrejection,realizingthatjudgmentisfarlessprevalentthanyouthinkcandowonders.Inotherwords,onceyoucangetoverthementalblocksofgettingrejectedfromaconversation(which,honestly,doesn’thappenmuchatall),you’llrealizethatit’sjustamatterofopeningyourmouthanddoingit.Ofcourse,thereareoptimalwaystodoitsothatyoucanstartoffaninteractionaseasilyaspossible,andthat’swhatI’lltalkabouthere.Almostall(appropriate)icebreakersarewelcome,butnotallicebreakersarecreatedequally.Talkaboutwhatyouhaveincommonatthatmoment.Evenifyou’resomewherethatyou’veneverbeenbeforewithagroupofstrangers,thereareboundtobecommonalities.Forstarters,you’reallatthesamelocation,aren’tyou?Socialeventsalwayshavethemesandcommonalitiesthatyoucandrawontoicebreakconversations.Ifit’snotabirthdaypartyorcollegereunion,whatistheonereasonthatbroughtthisseeminglyrandomgroupofstrangerstogether?Isitakickballparty?

Itcanbeasbasicasanetworkoffriendsinvitingtheirfriendsandfriendsoffriendstohangoutatsomebody'shouse.Youcantalkaboutthefriendsyouhaveincommon.Youcantalkaboutthefactthatyouareinthisinterestingnewhouse,andthatyougotinvitedacertainway.What'simportantisforyoutoclearlyidentifywhatmostpeopleinthatparticularsocialspacehaveincommon.Searchdeepandyou’llfindit.Fromthere,youcanbranchintoactualconversationandlearnaboutwhatmakespeopledifferent.Tosumitup,startwithabroadcommonality,thennarrowintotheopposite.Focusintopeople’sspecifictraitsafterbreakingtheicewithasharedreality.Keyphrases:

1. Howdoyouallknowthehost?2. It’smyfirsttimeatthisbar…isitalwaysthisrowdy?3. Checkoutthatwalldécor,it’ssofunny.4. Soeveryonehereplayskickball?Whohasthemostpowerfulleg?5. Host’shouseissonew,isn’tit?I’msojealous.6. Wheredoyouthinktheygotthenameforthisbar?7. Whydoyouthinkthatguyoverthereisn’twearingshoes?

Leadtheconversationtothemafterbreakingtheice.Recallinthepreciouschapterthateveryonelikesaverbalmirror.Theremaybenogreaterpleasurethantalkingaboutourselvesandexplainingindetailourmotivationsinourdailylives.Alsorecallthatthisopenspeopleup,andmakesthemperceiveyouasafriendevenifyoujustmet.Ifyoucanprobepeopleaboutthemselvesandfindatopicrelatingtothemselves,youcanencouragethemtostrayontothattangent.Onceyouidentifythat,keepdwellingonitsothattheycanbasicallytalkmoreandmoreaboutthatparticulartopic.Thegoalhereisasmoothtransitionfromyouricebreakerintoaconversationwithactualsubstanceandconnection.Aruleofthumbhereisthatyouwillprobablyberequiredtodo75%oftheleadingandtalkingatthebeginningofaninteraction.Youwillneedtofillthesilencesyourself.

Samplequestionchain:

1. Didyouseethatcowheadmountedonthewall?Thisplaceiscrazy!2. I’veonlyseensomethinglikethatinTexasbefore,haveyoubeen?3. Oh,wherewereyouborn?4. NewYorkdefinitelydoesn’thavecowslikethat.Whydidyoumovehere?5. I’veheardthattheagriculturejobmarketisstronghere,butIneverknew

exactlywhatthatmeant.Whatexactlydoyoudowithinit?6. Soitsoundslikeajobthatprovidesanicelevelofwork-lifebalance.Isthat

whatyouwerelookingfor?7. Great!Where’syournextvacation?IjustwenttoThailandandhighly

recommendit.Fromageneralobservationofthedécor,toaskingaboutwheresomeoneoriginatedfrom,todeepermotivationsanddesiresinashortseriesofquestions.Avoidcontroversy.WhileIdon’tgenerallytellpeopletospoutgeneralitiesliketheweather,thereisatimeandplaceforconveyingyouropinionandstandingoutabovethefold.Icebreakerswithpeoplethatyoudonotknowarehardlytheplaceforthat.Youropinionscanoftenbepolarizing,whichisnotanegativething.Butgiventhatyourgoalhereissimplytobeginaninteractionandmakethemcomfortablewithtalkingtoyou,beingtheslightestbitabrasivewon’thelpthatgoal.Mosttopicscanbetalkedaboutfreely,butwhatmakesthemcontroversialishavingtoostrongofanopiniononthem,andimmediatelyconveyingthattoothers.Keepingthegoalinmindofbeginninganinteraction–whathappenswhenyourunacrosssomeonewhoseviewsdon’tlineupwithyours?Youwillbeseenasanenemyoratleastunpleasantperson,asmostpeopleareunabletoseparateacivildisagreementwithpersonalvendetta.Itdoesn’treallymatterhowyouhandlethesituationofconflictingviews.Whenthishappenswithsomeoneyoujustmeet,it’sinstincttowritethemoffbecauseyoudon’tknowaboutthemotherthanthefactthatyoubuttheadsphilosophically.Ifyoufindyourselfhere,theconversationmightnotbesalvageable.Sostayawayfrompotentiallydangeroustopicslikereligion,politics,race,gender

politics,orotherdivisiveissues.Youcanbringthemup,butdon’tofferyouropiniononthemuntilyougaugehowtheotherpersonreacts,ifatall.Ifitappearsthatyoumightagreephilosophically,thenfeelfreetoofferyourunfilteredopinion.Butthatwouldbetheexceptionratherthantherule.Notedetailsandprovideyourown.Youmightbedetectingathemethatconversationsrequiresomeeffortandthinkingonyourfeet.Youcan’tjustcoastinaconversationandexpectthatyourautopilotresponseswillproducetheconnectionsthatyouwant.Takingnoteofdetailsthattheotherpersonprovidesyouwithisaninstanceofwhereyoucan’tcoast,andyoumustactivelybelisteningtotheotherperson.Mentallycatalogsomeimportantdetailsoraspectsofastorythatappeartoexciteyourconversationpartner,andreturntothoseintimesofdoubtorimpendingsilence.Bydetails,Imeanliketheirhometown,occupation,hobbies,andotherpersonalinformationtheyhavedivulgedtoyou–thingsthattheycanrelatetoorthatmadetheirfaceslightupwhentheywerebroughtup.Thisway,youwillalwayshavesomethingtotalkaboutandinstantlyinjectenergybackintotheconversation…aswellasavoidawkwardlullsandsilences.Youmaynotknowthatmuchaboutthem,butyoushouldbeabletodetectwhatapersonmightbeinterestedinandexcitedaboutwithinafewminutes.Maintaininterestandfocusbyfocusingonthem.Onyourside,youshouldreciprocatewithpersonaldetailsandstorieswhenappropriate.Ifyouhaveapersonalstorythatrelatestoaperson’sinterestorcontext,itwilldrawthemtoyouandmakethemviewyouasapersonwithmoreinherentvalue.Keyphrases:

1. Wait,you’refromPhiladelphia?Soyou’reabigsportsfan?2. Didyoumentionearlierthatyouhadseenthismoviebefore?3. ItoldyouthatI’malsofromPennsylvania,right?4. Iforgot,didIimaginethatyousaidyouusedtoplaybasketball?5. Canweholdonasecondandgobacktothefactthatyouusedtoplay

basketballincollege?6. Ican’tbelievethatwearefromthesametinycountryintheCaribbeans!

Thesephrasesfillanylullorsilenceeasily.

4.Commonquestionsanduncommon,betteranswers.Whatwasthelastwaythatyougreetedsomeonethatyoucameacross?Wasitsomevariationof“Hey,”“Howareyou,”or“What’sup?”Anddidyouactuallylistentoorcarewhattheresponsewasgoingtobe?No?That’sbecausethesegreetingsandcommonbeginningstoconversationsaresooverusedthattheyarebasicallyinstinct.Theyfadeintonothinganddon’tleaveanyonewithanimpressionwhatsoever.Ifyouwantaone-linerconversation,wellthat’sprettyeasytoaccomplish.Obviously,thisisnotourgoalwiththisbook.Lookatthecommonquestionsandgreetingsthatyou’llbeaskedassoftballs–bywhichImeantheyaregiftsgiventoyoubecausetheyaresoeasytoanswerinuncommonandinterestingways.Startpreparingandansweringthesequestionswithgreatstoriesandphrases,andyouwillinstantlycaptivatewhoeveryouaretalkingto.Thebestpartaboutthischapter’slessonisthatitissomethingthatyoucanprepareforbeforehand.Somuchofconversationisstressfultousbecauseitdependsonacertainamountofskillandthinkingonyourfeet–thiscanbedauntingbecauseweoftenimagineourselvesrunningoutofthingstosayandsimplystandingtheredumbfounded.Ifyoucantakesometimetoprepareanswersandstoriesforsituationsthatyouknowwillcomeupineachconversationyoutakepartin,youcaneliminatealargepartofthefear!AsItouchedonabove,themostcommonconversationstartersaresimplyvariationsof“Howareyou,”or“What’sup.”Thereisnothingspecialaboutthesequestions,andtheyaresimplywaysthatpeople(1)acknowledgeyou,and(2)showaninterestinyourlife.

Unfortunately,weroutinelyfailtotakeadvantageoftheopeningsthatwearegivenonhowtoengagepeople.Someanswerscanleadtoengagingandentertainingconversations,whilemostsimplycutconversationshort.Youaredefinitelyfamiliarwiththelatter.Theydon’taskformoreinformation.Theyrespondandblockofftheotherperson.“I’mfine,thanks!”“Great.”“Good,you?”“Great!Bye!”Nothingaboutthatexchangeiscompellingorwillleadtoanykindofconnection.Allconversationkillersbasicallyrevolvearoundgivingabroadyetvagueanswer.Easysolution–respondwithanswersthatleadtomorequestions.Ifyouwanttoengagethepersoninadeeperconversation,youcannotgiveananswerthatcutsthemoff.Whenyougivethiskindofanswer,thisopensuptheconversationinmanydifferentdirections.Theconversationcantalkabouttravelstories.Itcantalkaboutanydiscrepanciesbetweentravelbrochuresandactualtravelexperiences.Responsesthatleadtomorequestionsaremoreeffectivewhentheystartwithastory.Whensomebodyasksyouaverybroadandoftenbanalquestion,youcanchoosetosay,“I’mgreat,”andjustcutitoff,oryoucanthrowinapersonalstory.WhenyoutellthemthatyoujustgotbackfromRomeorParis,itattractstheircuriosityandyoucanstartanexchangeoftravelstories,whichcanleadtomanydifferenttangents.Youhavetostartwithyourstorybecauseitmakestheconversationmorepersonal.Thisdrawsthemin.Whenthey’redrawnin,theystartthrowingintheirstory,andthenyoucanusethattechniquethatI’vementionedearlierofputtingthespotlightonthemifyou’refeelingawkwardoranxious.Youonlyneedtoaskfollow-upquestionstodigdeeperintotheirstoryandbasicallytheconversationwilltakealifeofitsown.Theartofgreatconversationsisnotamystery.It’saboutlookingatthecommonhumanityyouhavewiththepersonyou’retalkingwithandlettingthestorytakeover.Everybodyhasastory,andhumannatureissetupinsuchawaythateverybodyisinarushtotelltheirstory.Aslongasyouknowthesefacts,youcanthenusethemtoyouradvantagetobecomeagreatconversationalist.

5.Effectivelisteninginthreesteps.Accordingtoarecentstatistic,mostmarriagesintheUnitedStatesbreakdownnotbecauseofinfidelityormoneyissues,butfailuretocommunicate.Whilethismightseemlikea“duh”moment,itstillunderscoresafewveryimportantconceptsaboutourdailylives.First,theabilitytoengagepeoplemeaningfullyinconversationandhaveitleadsomewhereoccasionally–asageneralblanketstatement,peoplearen’tgoodatit.Evenwithinthesupposedlysafeconfinesofmarriage,peoplehaveissueswithdifficultconversationsandthethingsthatneedtobesaid.Iwouldassertthatalargepartofthisaversiontomaritalconflictisbecauseofeitherpartner’sinabilitytolisteneffectively.Second,peopledon’tlistenwell,andthere’smoretolisteningthanjustsittingquietlyandwaitingforyourturntospeak.Communicationissuesarisewhenissuesaremiscommunicated…andwhenasafespaceisn’tcreatedtoallowgrievancestocometolight.Third,peoplethinktheyarecommunicatingbutaren’treally.They’resouncomfortablewithallthatgenuineandopencommunicationentailsthattheyonlydiptheirtoesintotheprocess.Thismeansthathalf-messagesaresentallthetime,andnothingiscompletelyunderstoodbecausepeoplejustwanttoendtheprocess.That’swhybeingagoodlistenerisimportant.Fortunately,therearethreeeasystepstosetyouonyourpathtobeingagreatlistenerandsubsequentlygreatconversationalist.Thisgoesbeyondthestrangersatthecocktailparty–itcanhelpsalvageyourrelationshipwithyoursignificantother.Stepone:ACTUALLYfocusontheotherspeaker.Whenyou’relistening,itmeansthatyourmouthiscompletelyshutandthereisnothingcomingoutofyourmouth.

Moreimportantarethefollowingtwoaspects:(1)youarenotsimplywaitingforyourturntospeakwithsomethingonthetipofyourtongue,and(2)youareactuallyacknowledginganddigestingwhatisbeingtoldtoyou.Manypeopleliketopridethemselvesasgoodlistenersbasedpurelyonthefactthattheyletpeoplerantabouttheirlives.Theactofsittingsilentlydoesnotmakeagoodlistener,itjustmeanstheyaregoodatnoddingandsaying“Uh-huh…”Attheendofitall,theonlypersonwhofeelsgoodaboutthatinteractionisthepersonwhothinkstheyarelisteningwell,becausethespeakerwon’tbegettinganyvaluefromit.Reallisteningisallaboutfocusingonthespeaker.Thisisveryhardformanypeopletoswallowbecausemostpeopleareegocentric.Unfortunately,ifthat'showyouhandleyourrelationships,you'renotgoingtogetfar.Ifthat'showyouconductyourselfatwork,youprobablyaren'tgoingtogetpromoted.Youhavetolearnhowtofocusonthespeaker.Insteadofthinkingaboutyourtrialsandtribulationsandwhat'shappeninginyourlife,wrapyourmindinsteadaroundthelifeofsomebodyelse.Wrapyourmindaroundwhat'simportanttothemandfocuscloselyonthecollectionofideas,emotions,andrevelationscomingfromthespeaker.Thismayseemeasy,butitisn't.Alotofpeoplethinkthatthey'regoodlistenerswhen,inreality,they'refiltering.Sothepersonistalkingbutthey’reonlylisteningtothethingstheywanttolistento.They'reonlygettingthemessagethattheywanttoget.Thisisnotreallistening.Reallisteningisarawfeed.Steptwo:followup.AsIsaidbefore,effectivelisteningisn’tjustsittingtherequietly.It’sacknowledgingandtakingwordsin,synthesizingthem,andformulatingspecificfeedbackandfollow-up.WhatisNOTarealfollow-up?“Uhhuh,”“Oh,Isee,”and“OhmyGod!”Arealfollow-upquestioniswhenyouputyourselfintheirshoesandtrytounderstandthedetailstheyhavetodealwith.Ifyou'retalkingtosomebodythatjustlosthisjob,putyourselfinthatemotionalstate.Howwouldyoubefeelingwhenyouhaveyourhomemortgageduethenextmonth,andyoulostyourjob?Howwouldyoubefeelingwhenyourkidscomehome,and

theyseethattheirdaddydoesn'thaveajobanymore,right?That'swhatyourquestionsshouldrevolvearound.Thecenterofgravitymustbeonwhatisimportanttothespeaker,andtheconversationshouldflowfromthere.Manypeoplethinkthattheyaregoodconversationalistsbecausetheybasicallythinktheyalreadyhavetheanswer.Theseconversationstendtobeone-sidedandultimately,useless.Byfocusingonthespeakerandpracticingempathy,youcanthenteaseoutinformationthatcouldactuallyhelpthembecausemostpeople'sproblemsaresolvedbyanswersthatarealreadycontainedwithinthequestion.Youaskfollow-upquestions,youhavetoplaceitfromtheirperspectiveandwhatmatterstothem.Agreatconversationisajourney,notthedestination.It'snotamadrushtowardsthisfixedanswerthatdoesn'tchange.Instead,it'sreallyjustabouttheprocessthepersonjustlettingtheiremotionsout,pickingthroughthedetails,andreallyhavinganotherpersonbetheretosharetheexperience.Stepthree:fighttheurgetotalkaboutyourself.MylastbreakuptookamentaltollonmebecauseIhadinvestedsomuchintotherelationship.Despitethatinvestment,Iknewithadtoendatsomepointandjustcouldn’tseeitculminatinginmarriage.SoItookthenewstomybestfriendandreallyjustwantedtounleasheverythingthatwasinmyheartandheadatthatpoint.Whattranspiredwasincrediblyfrustrating.Iwouldtalkabouttheaspectsoftherelationshipthatweren’tworkingforme,andmademereconsidermyentirelifecourse.Thenshestartedtalkingabouthowshedidthatwithherhusband,andthenhowherhusband’sfamilywentonatriptoIsraelthatpastsummer.Andthenhowthattripwashorrible,andledtosomefamilydiscord.Shestolemydamnthunder.NormallyI’mmorethanawillingear,butthiswasalowmomentformeandshefailedtorecognizethatsheneededtokickherlisteningmodeintogear.Sheflippedthefocusoftheconversationfrommetoherinafrustratingseriesofsidethoughtsandthinkingoutloud.

Yourjobistogivethemsafeemotionalspacewheretheycanexploreideas,behonestwithfeelings,andotherwisecomeupwithasenseofclarity.Youflushallthesedownthetoiletwhenyoutalkoverthemorswitchthefocusoftheconversationtoyourself.Thisgoesbeyondstealingthethunder,andservestomaketheotherpersonfeelmarginalizedandunimportant.Reallisteningisaboutthespeakerandnotyou.They’retheoneswhoknowtheanswersregardingtheirproblemsnotyou.Soit'sreallyimportanttofighttheurgetodominatetheconversation.Listeningdoesn'ttakeanadvanceddegree,butittakesalotofheart,empathy,andcompassion.

6.Buildingabulletprooffirstimpression.Whenmeetingsomeonenew,we’veallhadthatmomentof“No,thanks,”rightoffthebat,haven’twe?Ihave,andIdon’tthinkI’mmorejudgmentalthantheaverageperson.Thereasonthathappensisbecausethatpersonmadeanegativefirstimpression.Youjustdidn’tliketheir“vibe”ortheirpresence–andthat’sexactlywhatthefirstimpressiongoverns.Itdoesn’treallymatterwhoyouareorwhatyourgoals.Yousimplyneedtoknowhowtomakeabetterfirstimpression.Weonlygetoneshotatthisuntiltheopportunityisgone.Oncethathappens,everythingelseyoudoorsaywillbeviewedthroughthelensofthatnegativeorlukewarmimpression,andit’sapitthatisextremelydifficulttoclimboutof.Thegoodnewsisthatit’snotasdifficultasyoumaythink.Partofthereasonthatpeoplemakereallybadfirstimpressionsisthattheycomeintoasocialsituationwithalotofanxietyorfear.Ifyougointoasocialsituationlookingtoimpresspeopleorproveapoint,ninetimesoutoften,you'lldroptheball.Removethefearofjudgmentfromyourmindandseeyourfirstimpressionssoar.Ofcourse,that’seasiersaidthandone,sointheinterim,asetofbasicguidelinescancoveryourbases.Makeeyecontact.Inwesternculture,eyecontactestablishestrustandcredibility.Accordingly,thelackofeyecontactcanconveymanythings.Itcanmeanthatyou'rebeingevasive,orhavesomethingtohide.Itcanalsoconveythatyouareweakpersonandbasicallylookingtobedominated.Thereareallsortsofmeaningsthatpeoplecanreadintoyourinabilitytomakeeyecontact.

Awarenessishalfthebattlehere,aseyecontactisnottypicallyadifficultstepforpeopletointernalize.Don’tstareintotheireyeslikeyouaretryingtoreadtheirsoul.Thatjustcreepspeopleout.Thisrelatestomynextpoint.Smilewithyoureyes.Asmentionedabove,youhavetomakeeyecontact,butthereareobjectivelybetterwaystodoit.Thebestandmostcomfortablewaytodoitistosmilewithyoureyes.Youreyesarenotjustdeadpoolsorblack,blue,brown,orgreen.Inotherwords,youreyesarecommunicatingtothepersonyou'relookingatthatpersoniswelcomed.It'scommunicatingtothatpersonthatyou'reopenforanexchangeorconversation.However,ifyoudoitwrong,andyoujustlookatsomebodystraightintheeyewithoutsmilingwithyoureyes,thiscanbeviewedasachallengeorathreat.Itcanbeviewedasshowingdominance.Notagoodmoveifyou'retryingtomakeasaleormeetsomebodynew.Howdoyousmilewithyoureyes?Liftyoureyebrows(whichmakesyouappearnon-threateningandempathetic)andcrinkleyoureyesaroundtheedges.Incidentally,theeasiestwaytocrinkleyoureyesthuslyistogenuinelysmile,sothat’satwoforonetip.Useanexpressivevoice.Manypeopledon’tknowit,buttheydon’tconveyanythingclosetowhattheywanttobecausetheydon’thaveanexpressivevoice.It’sthedifferencebetweenbeinggoodatsarcasm,andcomingofflikeanassholemostofthetime.ManyforeignstudentsofEnglishembodythedifference,astheycansayphrasesandwordsfine,butwithoutproperexpressionandinflection.Themeaningfallsflatandsometimesistakentheoppositeway.

Youwanttobeseeninapositivelightimmediatelyuponfirstimpression,soexpresspositivitythroughyourvoice.Done?Nowusetentimestheamountofpositivitythatyouthinkyoujustused.Exaggerateit,becausechancesarethatwhatseemslikealottoyouisn’tmuchinreality.Don’ttakethechanceofbeingmisunderstoodormisconstruedinanegativelight.Practiceyourexpressivevoicetoconveyexactlywhatyouwant.Focusonyoursimilarities.Thereisaninherenthumanbiastopeoplewhoaresimilartous.Weopenupbettertopeoplewholooklikeus,soundlikeus,andspeakthesamelanguageasus.Sowhenyoutalktosomebodynewandwanttomakeagreatfirstimpression,alwayslookforsimilaritiesandfocusonthose.Instantly,youwillbeseeninapositivelight,asthepersonwillseethemselvesinyou–andwhodoesn’tlikethemselves?Focusingonyoursimilaritieswillmakepeoplelessapprehensiveandopenthemselvestoyouinafardeepermannerthantheywouldotherwise.It’slikeyouaretheirneighbor,andwhodoesn’twanttoendearthemselvestotheirneighbor?Reflecttheemotionalcuesofthespeaker.Wanttomakeagreatfirstimpression?Laughatsomeone’sjokesorcursethetrafficjustastheydo.Isthisfakeorinsincere?No.Here’swhy.You’renotlyingorconveyingsomethingthatyoudon’tfeel,you’rejustincreasingtheamountofsociallubricantinasituation.Here’sanotherinterpretation:isn’titcommonsensetoremainsomberwhensomeoneistellingasadstoryandexpressangerwhensomeoneelsewantstorantaboutsomething?Whenthispersongetstheimpressionthatyougetthemonanemotionallevel,theyarewillingtoletyouinfurtherintermsofemotionalintimacy.

Sendtherightbodylanguagesignals.Awarenessishalfthebattleonthisone.Youdon’thavetosendbodylanguagesignalsofattractionoraffection,butyouDOhavetoavoidsendingoutnegativeorclosedoffsignals.Guyswhoareunabletopickupwomenatsingles'barsusuallyfailbecauseofthis.They'remouthsaresayingonething,theirfaceissayinganother,andtheirbodyissayinganother.Wholecommunication–yourwords,thewayyousayyourwords,thetoneofyourvoice,yourbodylanguage,andyourfacialexpressions–mustbeconsistent.Don'tsendthewrongbodylanguagesignalsbecauseitsabotagesthekindofintimacyandtrustthatyou'retryingtobuild.Bewareofhowyoucrossyourarms,standorleanbacktoappearstandoffish,yourfacialexpressionwhilelistening,howmuchyoucoveryourface,fidget,andwhichdirectionyoupointyourtoesin.Theyallcontributetoaconsistentimageofhowengagingapersonyouappeartobe.Makingagreatfirstimpressionreallyinvolvesbothverbalandnon-verbalsignals.Tosumitallup,youreallyneedtohaveahighlevelofconsistencysowhateversignalsthatyouaresendingcanleadtohigherlevelsofintimacy,confidence,andtrustandarenotsabotagedbynon-verbalsignals.

7.TellstorieslikeHomerandAesopcombined.Isthereanyonethatsticksoutinyourmemoryasagreatconversationalist?Ninetimesoutoften,thereasonwhyyouweresoimpressedbythesepeopleisbecausetheytoldgreatstories.Conversationisreallyasetofinterestingremarksandrelatedstories,soit’snowonderthatgreatstorytellingcanmakeyourconversationskillsskyrocket.It’sacornerstoneofhowweactuallycommunicatewithothers.Focusonthecentralpointofthestory.Ifyouwanttobeabetterstoryteller,figureoutthecentralpointofthestorybeforeyoutellit.Whatisthecentralideayou'retryingtocommunicate?Theclearerthisistoyou,thebetteryouwillcommunicatethatidea.Alldetailsmustleadtothiscentralpointandbesomewhatrelated.Ifyouhavetoaskyourselfwhyyouarementioningthispersonordetail,thenitonlyservestodiluteyourstoryandmessage.Thinkofthecentralpointasthethesisofthestory–everydetailorpointmustrelatetoit,orprovidecontextforit.Poorstorytellershaveonethingincommon:theytalkonandonandreallynevergettothepoint.Thesestoriesareannoyingbecausetheytakeyourattentionandwasteit–youcanwasteminutesonsomebodythatbasicallydoesn'tknowhowtotellastory.Thekeytoeffectivestorytellingisthatthedetailsofthestorythatyou'regoingtotellmustleadtothecentralpoint.Forexample,youaretellingastoryaboutperformingatanopenmiclastweek.Focusonthedetailsofthesetting,theperformance,andtheleaduptoit.Talkaboutyourfeelings,andhowmuchyoulikeperforming.Whatisn’trelatedtothecentralpointofthestory?Whereyougotyourguitar,howmuchyourmotherlikesyoursinging,andhowbadthecommutewastogetthere.

Stayfocused.Thecentralpointmusthaveanemotionalpayload.Humanbeingsareemotionalcreatures.We'dliketopretendthatwe'rerational,orwemakeourdecisionsbasedonlogic.Butninetimesoutoften,wemakeanimpulsiveoremotionaldecisionthenwelateronjustifybycomingupwithsomesortofrationalexplanation.We'reallemotionalanimalsandthere'snothingwrongwiththat.Thismeansthatifyou'regoingtotellastory,youhavetomakesurethatthereisanemotionalpayload.Whenpeoplegettotheendofyourstory,eitherthey'relaughing,they'recrying,they'refeelingangry,oranyotheremotionalreaction.Foraneffectivestory,therehastobeanemotionalreactionattheend.Eithertheyfeelupliftedandenlightened,ortheyfeeloutragedormovedtoaction,ortheirheartshavebeenmovedtopity.Otherwise,yourstorywillsimplyengenderareactionof“Sowhat?”or“…and?”or“Isthatit?”Youhavetoensurethatthecentralpointofyourstoryhasanemotionalpayloadorotherpeoplewouldnotfindyourstoryengagingorinteresting.Paintapicture.Anyonecantelladryandboringstory.Allyouhavetodoisdescribewhathappensinsteps.Reduceyourstorydowntoaseriesofactions,includingaconclusion,andwhatdoyouhave?Astorythatisasgoodasasetofinstructionstodolaundrywith–equallyasthrillingandemotionallymoving.Greatstoriesarewhenthestorytellerletsyousmellwhatheorshesmellsinthestory.Greatstoriesarewhenthecolorsareveryvividandvibrant.Greatstoriestakeplacewhenthereisalotofsoundanddynamisminthedetailsoftheoverallnarrative.Youcantellalousystorywhenthedetailsareflat,whenmanyofthedetailsarerushedthrough,orotherwisemissing.It'sasifyouarethere.Thebetteryouarein

paintingaverypalpable,vivid,andreallyengagingstory,thehigherthelikelihoodthatthispersonwouldbeemotionallyengaged.Greatstorytellersmakegreatfirstimpressionsinsocialsettingsbecausetheyaregreatcommunicators.Theyareabletohelpustoconnectbetterwithouremotionsandintellect.Greatstorytellersarefewandfarbetween,andthisiswhyyouneedtoreallystepupyourgamesoyoucanmastertheartofconversation.

8.Makingsafetopicsintofailsafeconversations.Ifyouwanttomastertheartofconversation,youhavetoknowhowtocomeupwithconversationtopicsthatcanleadtogreatconversation.Justkidding.Thisisactuallyuntrueandadamagingmindset,becauseitwillmakeyoudependonthatmagictopicthatdoesn’treallyexist.Whatisthedefinitionofagreatconversation?Let'skeepitsimple.Agreatconversationisaconversationthatallowsbothpeopleintheconversationtofeelbetterabouteachother.Notalltopicsleadtogreatconversations.Sometopicsactuallyleadtodead-endconversationsbecausethey'resoclose-endedandsimple.Asthetitleofthischaptersays,itisperfectlypossibletotakesafetopicsandtwistthemtoyouradvantage.It’sallamatterofknowinghowtomovebeyondthematerialprovidedandcreateaconnectionregardless.Therefore,itisperfectlyharmlesstofocusonwhatmightbeotherwisecalledboringsmalltalktopics.Thebigbenefithereisthatyoucanbringthemupwithanyoneandsomeonewillhavesomethingtosayaboutthem.Aslongasyoutakeapersonalandemotion-basedangleoffsomethinguniversal,youcantwistitintoagreatopenertobranchoutintoothertopicsthatcanleadtodeepercredibilityandtrust-building.Weather.Oneofthesafesttopicstotalkaboutistheweather.Thereasonwhythisworkstimeandtimeagainisbecauseit'sasharedexperience.IfyouliveinthepartoftheUnitedStateswhereitsnowsalot,everybodycanagreethatit'ssnowing.Whatmakesthisaninterestingdiscussionpointisthateverybodyhasadifferentspinontheweatherandwhatitmeanstothem.Forexample,ifsomebody

wascaughtinasnowstormonhiswaytotheBahamas,that'sagreatgatewayforagreatconversationaboutvacations.Anotherwaythiscanleadtoconversationiswhensomebodytalksaboutthehumidityintheirhouseleadingtomildewthatleadstohomerepair.Thiscanbeagreatwaytotransitionfromtalkingabouttheweathertodo-it-yourselfconstructionprojectsaroundthehouse.Weatherisagreatstartingareaorstagingareawhereitcanbranchouttootherpersonalareasthatyouhavesimilarexperienceswith,andyoucanshareinformationon.Theworstwaytodealwithaweathertopicistojustsaytotheperson,“Yes,Iagree.It'sbadweather,”andleaveitatthat.Weatherisagreatconversationtopicbecauseit'sopen-endedandleadstomanyplaces.Don'tdestroyitspowerbyrestrictingittoadescriptiveorobjectivediscussionabouttheweatheronlyandleavingitatthat.Currentevents.Manycurrenteventstopicscanleadtointerestingsidediscussions.However,youhavetobechoosyaboutwhichcurrenteventyoubringup,becausemanyareinherentlycontroversialanddivisive.Ifyoutalkaboutcurrenteventsthatfocusonthosecategories,insteadofafreerangingconversationwherethepeopleengagedintheconversationfeelabouteachotherandfeelliketheyknoweachotheralittlebitbetter,itmightdivide.Youmighthaveanargumentoradebateandthisispreciselywhatyoudon'twant.Focusinsteadoncurrenteventslikelocalnewsoranykindofcurrenteventsthatisharmlessandshapelessenoughthatitcanleadtootherpersonaltopics.Commonpersonalexperiences.Everybodytakesvacations.Everybodyhasgonetohighschool.Everybodyhasdonecertainthingsthatmostotherpeopleshare.Focusonthesecommonpersonalexperiencesandbranchoutfromthere.

Byfocusingonwhatweallhaveincommon,youcanbranchouttheconversationtomoreintimatetopics.Thekeytoharmless,safetopicsisnottostayonthem.Youusethemtostartoutconversations.Youusethesebanaltalkingpoints,andthenyoudrawthepersonin.Youthengettheotherpersontotalkaboutsomethingmorepersonal.That'showyouuseharmlesssmalltopicstoleadtogreatconversations.

9.Avoidawkwardanduncomfortablesilences.Oneofthemostpainfulsituationsknowntomanisthesinkingfeelingofanawkwardsilenceduringconversation.Youmayhavedoneallthatyoucantocarrytheconversationandengagetheotherperson,butsometimesawkwardanduncomfortablesilencesstillpopup.Thiscangivepeopletheimpressionthatyouareabadconversationalist,eveniftheyaretheoneatfault,andevenprematurelyendconversationsaspeopleexcusethemselvestoescapetheawkwardness.Butthat’ssomeamateurstuff.WithalittlebitofpreparationandawarenessthatIwillteachyou,youshouldbeabletoavoidthevastmajorityofawkwardsilenceswithinconversations.Andsubsequently,yourconversationpartnerwillwalkawaythinkingthattheyhadanamazinginteractionwithyou.Why?It’stherealizationthatmostpeople’sconceptionofagreatconversationisnonstopbanter.Whenyouareabletominimizesilencesandlullsinaconversation,thisisexactlythefeelingthatpeoplearelookingfor–andwhenyougiveittothem,theywillimpartandassumemanypositivefeelingstoyourinteraction.Okay,sowhataresomestepstominimizesilences?Learntolead.Mostpeoplethatyouwillcomeacrosswillnotbegiftedconversationalists.Theydependonserendipitytomakegoodconversationwithnewpeople.Butthisisnotyou.Youwilltaketheleadinaconversation.Justimaginehowaninterviewertakestheleadinaninterview.Theyareinapositionofpower,butmoreimportantly,theyactlikeit.Theyaskthequestions,movetheconversationalongtodifferenttopics,andgenerallydictatetheexactdirectionoftheconversation.

Youcandothiswheneveryousenseasilencecoming.Taketheleadbypreparingandtakingnotesofquestionstoaskorbringupwheneverasilencecomes,andtakethatopportunitytodirectaconversationwhereveryouwantit.Assumetheresponsibilityoffillingeverysilencewithsomethingthatcameupearlierintheconversation,oraclarifyingquestionaboutsomethingtheysaid.Keyphrases:

1. Wait,whatdidyousayabout[polarbears]?2. Didyoumentionearlierthat[youwenttotheUniversityofArkansas]?3. Ican’tbelievethatyousaid[theUniversityofArkansashadapolarbearat

onepoint]!4. Soanyway,[wherewereyouborn]?5. Haveyouever[beentoPennsylvania]?

Digdeeper.Whenyouengageapersoninaconversation,you'rebasicallysaying“Ifindyouinteresting.”Atleast,intheory.Butthat’sthemindsetthatyoushouldbeapproachingpeoplewith.Assuch,you’reinterestedinwhattheyhavetosay,andthedeepermotivationsthatdrivethem.Soyouservethemaquestion,they’llhititbacktoyou…andthenyoushoulddigdeepertoseewhatisbehindtheiranswer.Underlyingthisaspectofconversationsisthefactthatthebestconversationsshouldn’tbemechanicalorsurface.Youshouldn'tjustbegoingthroughthemotions.Youshouldbesharinginformationthatactuallyleadstogreaterunderstandingandemotionaldepth.Thekeyistogetthatpersontofeeltheyknowyouonamoreintimatelevel.Thereisobviouslyatimeandplaceforthis,butbeingengrossedinthiskindofdiscoursewilleither(1)makethesilencesthoughtfulandmorecomfortable,or(2)killthemaltogether.Keyphrases:

1. Whatdidyoumeanby[insertphrasetheyspokeearlier]?2. Whyexactlydoyouthinkthat?3. Whydidyougothatroute?4. Whatwasyourthinkingbehindthat?5. Wasthatsomethingyoualwayswantedtodo?6. Howdidyougettothatpoint?

Sumuptheirwords.Peoplehateitwhenyouputwordsintheirmouth.Whichiswhyyoushoulddoitfromtimetotime,especiallytoavoidsilencesandlulls.Ifyousumuptheirwordsandyouarecorrectinyoursummary,theywillagreewithyouandclarifyfurther.Ifyousumuptheirwordsandareincorrectinyoursummary,theytypicallywon’ttakeoffense.They’lltaketheopportunitytoexplainindepthwhattheyactuallymeant.Thisisagreatwaytogettheotherpersontofillanypotentialsilence,bycompellingthemtoclarifysomethingaboutthemselves–thisisoftenirresistibleforpeople.Keyphrases:

1. SowhatI’mhearingis…2. Letmegetthisstraight…[repeatasentenceofwhattheysaid]?3. Wait,areyoutellingmethat[Argentinaistiny]?4. Whatdoyoumean[…]?5. Didyoumean[…]?

Startingwithtakingtheleadinyourinteractions,thiscollectionoftipsshouldkeepawkwardanduncomfortablesilencesatbay.Thekeyhereiseitheryoufillingthesilenceyourself,ormakingtheotherpersonfeelcompelledtofillit.Eitherway,itcreatesamoreflowingconversationthatmostpeopleassociatewithchemistryandfriendship.

10.Bodilyspeaking.It’seasytoreduceconversationandallcommunicationtothewordsthatarecomingoutofourmouths.Butthatwouldbeinaccurateandignorantofwhatdrivesoureverydayinteractions.Emails–whydoweusesmileyfacesandemoticons?Howcanweusesarcasmandmanytypesofhumorifyouweretodependentirelyonthewordsthatarecomingoutofourmouths?Whydoweusegesturestoemphasizeandmaximizeouremotions?Andofcourse,whataboutbodylanguageandhowmuchdoesthatcommunicateourmessages?Givenalloftheabove,itshouldn’tbesurprisingthatonlyaminorityofouroverallmessageiscommunicatedthroughourwords.Youmightbesayingsomethingwithyourmouth,butifyourbodylanguageisverydifferentfromthesignalsthatyou'resending,thiscanleadtoconfusion,mixedsignals,andmisunderstandings.Humancommunicationisallaboutconsistency.Greatconversationalistsrealizethisandmakesurethattheircumulativesignalssentareconsistentwithamessagethattheywant.Thetoneoftheirvoice,thefacialexpressions,thewaytheystand,thewaytheircrosstheirarms,allthesesignalscombinetoamplifyandstrengthentheoverallmessagethatthey'resharing.Thismakesthemamuchmoreenjoyablepersontobearoundbecausetherearen’tanylurkingfeelingsofdeceptionorconfusion.Whatyouseeiswhatyouget,andthat’sacomfortingpresence.Mixedsignalsmakeusfeellikewe’reinthepresenceofapassive-aggressiveroommatewhokeepstellingustowashthedishes,exceptthedishesaren’tyours.

Thischaptershouldbeviewedasaquickguideonhowto(1)makesurethatyouaren’tsendingmixedsignals,and(2)interpretotherpeople’sbodylanguagetoascertaintheirtruemeaning.Herearequicksmalltalkbodylanguagetipsyoushouldkeepinmindtomaximizeyourcommunicationeffectiveness.Crossedarms.Whensomebodythatyou'retalkingtohastheirarmscrossed,itcansignalavarietyofthings.Themostcommoninterpretationisthattheyareprotectingthemselvesandholdingtheirmostimportantparts–theirtorsoandorgans.Ifyoufollowalongthistrainofthought,itmeansthatyouhavemadesomeoneatleastalittlebituncomfortable,defensive,andinsecure.Theyaren’topeningthemselvesuptoyouormakingthemselvesvulnerable.Itmaynotevenhaveanythingtodowithyou.Butyoucandoacoupleofthingstoopenthemupphysicallyandconversation-wise.Whenyouactivelyaskthemwhattheirfeedbackisorwhattheirinsightsare,youmakethememotionallyinvestedintheexchange,andyouincreasethelikelihoodthattheconversationwouldbemoreofatwo-waystreet.Anotherwayyoucangetsomebodytouncrosstheirarmsiswhenyounodinagreementandgivebigreactionsofagreementtotheirwords.You'resayingtothemonasubconsciouslevelthatyou'renotanenemy.You'renottheretothreatenthemorharmthem,andyou'reontheirside.Finally,anotherwaythatyoucandealwithsomebodythathastheirarmscrossedwhenyou'retalkingtothemiswhenyouaskthemtotellastory.Whenyouaskthepersontotellapersonalstory,you'rebasicallyaskingthemtotakethecenterstageintheconversation.Thisworkswondersintermsofgettingthepersontofeelthattheyhavesomelevelofemotionalownershipovertheconversation.Theyareinvestedintheconversationtoacertainextent.Andofcourse,letthisbealessontoyouinbeingconsciousofhowmuchyousubconsciouslycrossyourarmslestyoucomeoffunapproachableandharsh.Leaninginandnodding.

Theseareseparatebodylanguagesignals,butoftenseentogether.Leaninginmeansexactlywhatyouthinkitmightmean.Whatdoyoudowhenyoucan’thearsomethingthatyouwantto?Youleanin,andpayspecialandcarefulattentiontoitbecauseyoudon’twanttomissanyofit.Sowhensomeoneleansintowardsyou,whethertheyarestandingorsitting,itcouldpossiblyindicatethattheconversationisgoingwellandtheyvalueyourinputandfurthercomments.Theyareengagedintheconversation,andactuallyinterestedinwhat’sbeingdiscussed,andyou.Muchthesamecanbesaidofanoddingperson,wheretheyareliterallyandfigurativelyagreeingwithwhatyouhavesaid.Theyareengagedandinterested.Thereforethelackofaleaninornod,orworseyetleaningbackawayfromyou,maybeconstruedasdisinterestandwantingtheleavetheconversation.Ifthisisthecase,youmaybeabletolurethembacktoengagementbyaskingthemabouttheirownpersonalstoryoropinion.Thechallengeofdealingwithsomebodywho'slearninginandnoddingisnotsomuchtogetthatpersontotalk.Theyareengagedforthetimebeing,soyoumusttakeadvantageofthatmomentaryinterestbyaskingquestionsandbranchingouttheconversationtorelatedsubtopicstokeeptheirattention.Makesurethatyourquestionsaremorepointedorthere'smorevarietyinyourquestionssothatthispersoncanbeengagedontheemotional,intellectual,spirituallevels.They’llprobablybeopentoansweringsomewhatmorepersonalandinvasivequestionsonaccountofhowinvestedandengagedtheyare!Takeadvantageofthisopenness.Bodylanguageisobviouslyavastandexpansivesubjecttocoverinthischapterfully.Infact,Ihaveanentirebookonthesubjectanditonlyoffersabroadoverviewwithspecificsignalstowatchoutfor.Inthecontextofconversation,bodylanguagecanservetocompleteaconsistentsetofsignalsthatwillultimatelymakeyouappearmorelikeableandengaged,ortheopposite.Muchofthedamagingbodylanguagewedisplayisentirelysubconscious,sotaketheawarenessthatthischapterprovidesyouandtrytoobservehowmuch

otherpeopleinyourdailylifedisplayitaswell!

11.Socialcuessaymorethanyourwords.Imaginethatyou’vejustreceivedascreenplaywithagreatplot,fantasticcharacters,andacompellingtwistattheend.There’sjustoneproblem–thereisnonarrationtosetthestageorintroducethecharacterswhatsoever.Youhavenoideawherescenesendandbegin,howthecharactersarepositioned,whattheyfeel,orwhoanyoneevenis!Thisiswhataninteractionislikewithoutsocialcues.Socialcues(alsoknownashints,clues,signs,etc.)aresmallverbalandnon-verbalhintsthatguidesocialinteractionimplicitly,andareusedbymostofusonanunconsciouslevelonadailybasis.Theytelluswhatpeoplearereallysaying.Itturnsoutthatweintuitsomuchofpeople’sintentions,motivations,andemotionsthroughimplicitmeanssuchasfacialexpressions,bodylanguage,toneofvoice,andevenhowclosepeoplestandtous.Socialcues,attheirmostbasiclevel,acttoreducetheamountofambiguityinthecommunicationswereceivefromothers.It’swhywecansaysomethingandmeancompletelytheopposite–socialcueswillindicateotherwiseandprovideusaninterpretationthatallowsforhumorandsarcasm.Giventhatmostofushavehaddecadesofpracticeinreadingsocialcuesatthispoint,ithasallowedustoformamentalmodelofpeople’sbehaviorsandintentionsthatservesuswell.Thisiswhywecansaythingslike“I’vegotabadfeelingabouther,”or“Ijustknewhewasthinkingthat!”Youjustknowitbecauseyouknowwhatsignsindicateitandalsoindicatetheopposite.It’sonlywhenwearefacedwiththeabsenceofthemdowerealizehowimportantofaroletheyplayinourlives.

Theabilitytorecognizesocialcuesandreactaccordinglyisalsopreciselywhatthepeoplewedeem“sociallyawkward”lack.Alargepartofsocialcueshingesonhowsociallyawareandobservantoneis.YouandIbothknowpeoplethatlackthosetraits.Sowhataresomecommonsocialcuesthatyoushouldbeawareof?Nodding.Nodding,asyoumightexpect,isasignofagreement.Butyoumightnotexpectisthatit’sasignofpeoplemakingthemselvesagreeabletoyou.Thedifferenceisthatwhiletheymightnotexplicitlyagreewiththewordsthatyoujustsaid,theywanttomakethemselvesnon-threateningandfriendlytoyou.Ineithercase,it’sasignofgoodvibes.Thissocialcuegivesyouthefreedomtoaskdeeperquestionsandmovetheconversationtomoreintimatetopics.Theymentionit.There’saruleinfilmmakingthatifyoushowanobjectbyitself,youmustreturntoit.Thefirsttimeitisshownessentiallyforeshadowsthedirectionofthefilmandtheimportanceoftheobject.It’sprettymuchthesamewaywithconversation.Ifyourconversationpartnermentionsaspecificperson,event,orobject,it’slikelythattheywouldliketoturntheconversationtothattopic.Youshouldn’tlettheallusionslide,asitisprobablyinreferencetosomethingthattheyhaveastoryabout–andweknowthatstoriesareagreatwayforpeopletoopenupandfeelcomfortablewithus.Thissimplesocialcuerequiresyoutopaymoreattentiontowhatpeoplearethinkinginside,andhowindirectpeoplecanbeabouttheirdesires.Mostaren’tcomfortableoutrightinterruptingyouortellingyouthattheywanttotalkaboutthemselves,soit’suptoyoutopickuponthissocialcuetoallowthemtotalkaboutthemselves.Thissocialcuemightalsosignalthatyouhavebeentalkingaboutyourselftoomuch,andtheywantsomeofthespotlight.Inanycase,itwillteachyoutopaycloserattentiontothemeaningbehindpeople’swords.

Keyphrases:

1.Ohyeah,thattotallyremindsmeofmytriptoMexicolastsummer.[atwhichpointyoushouldaskabouttheirtrip,andsoon]2.IdidthatlastsummertooinJapan![askaboutjapanortheirsummer]3.I’veneverbeenskydiving,butIdidbungeejumpafewtimes.[resisttalkingmoreaboutskydivingandaskaboutbungeejumping]4.IactuallymetTomCruiseoncetoo![askaboutthatfatefulday]5.Yeah,Iactuallymadethatapplepie![askaboutthedamnpieandtheirbakingprowess]

Similarly,theyaddanewdetailorhintatanewstory.They’renotbringingthesespecificreferencesupjustfortheirownentertainment.Rememberthatpeopleseriouslyenjoytalkingaboutthemselves.Givethemthatopportunityandtheywillenjoytheconversationthatmuchmoreandironicallyfeelliketheygotmoreoutofit.Withconversationalsocialcues,wearetryingtopickuponthesubtlehintsthatwillmakeourconversationsflowbetter.Ahallmarkofthisissimplybeingabletodeducewhatpeoplewanttotalkabout.Ifyoucandothis,youcansimplymakeaninteractionmorepleasurablefortheotherparty.One-wordanswers.Someconversationsyoujustcan’tsalvage.Ifyoufindthateveryquestionyouask,evenpiercing,intimate,andintelligentquestionsaremetwithsimpleone-wordanswersandnotmuchexcitementorvocalinflection,readthewritingonthewall.Thispersonisdonewithtalkingtoyou–don’tbethatpersonwhooverstaystheirwelcomeandpesterseveryone,requiringpeopletorescuethemfromyourpresence.Ifsomeonedoesn’tturntofaceyouwhentheyansweryou,consideryourconversationdoublyfinished.Theyareattemptingtoshowyouthattheyareengagedwithsomethingorsomeoneelse,andthatyoushouldstoptalkingtothem.

Ifyoudon’tknowpeoplewhoawkwardlyhangaroundconversationsfortoolong,despitehavingnothingtocontribute…thenyoumaybethatperson.Peopledon’tliketooutrightrejectothersortellthemtogoaway,soyoumustlookforthesubtlewayspeopledothis.

12.Exitingconversationswithgrace.I’vestudiedalotofpsychologyinmylife,andaphenomenonthatsimultaneouslysurprisesmeyetmakescompletecommonsenseistherecencyeffect.Therecencyeffecttellsusthatthemostrecentofaninteraction,activity,event,orpersonthatweareexposedtoiswhatwerememberthebest.Thismakescommonsensebecauseifweviewthebrainandmemorybanksasastack,thenitiscompletelylogicalthatwecaneasieraccessitemsatthetopofthestack,andthingsnearthebottomofthestackgetcrushedorreplaced.It’ssurprisinginasensebecauseitmeansthatsomuchofwhatwedoandsayissimplyinvalidatedasaresultofthelimitedcapacityofourmemories.Evenifwesayordothemostcharmingofthings,itisnotguaranteedthatpeoplerememberitbecauseitisn’tthelastimpressionthatpeoplehaveofyou.Let’sbringitbacktoconversationandhowtherecencyeffectshoulddictateyouractions.Youcanbeasconversationallyfluentandcharmingduringaconversation,butifyouleaveitinthewrongway,itcanseriouslyskewpeople’sperceptionofyouinanegativeway.Ifyouhadagreatdateyetfumbledthekissbylaugh-spittingontheirface–itmightnotbethebestimpressionleftofyou.Moreover,ifyouleaveaconversationinanegativeway,itdoesn’tmakepeoplewanttore-engageyouatalaterpoint.Givethemopportunitytodeveloptheirstory.Wheneveryouengagewithothers,there'salwaysanopportunitythereforpeopletotellstories.Welookatourexperiencesasaseriesofstories.Sometimesweexperiencethingsjust

forthestoryitself.Pointbeing,weenjoysharingourstorieswithotherpeople,asstoriesareinnatelysocial.Don’tbelieveme?Doyoueverpostanythingonsocialmedia?Thenyou’resharingastory.Sowhathappensifyoushareaparticularlypersonalorfunnystoryonsocialmedia,andpeoplejustdon’tseemtogetit?Isthatanexperiencethatyou’refamiliarwith?I’mbettingthatyourelishtheopportunitytosettheirmindsright.It’stheexactsameinconversation.Ifpeoplegetonlypartwaythroughastorythattheyaresharing,orifthereappeartobemisconceptionsaboutthestorythattheydon’thavethechoicetoexplain,theyaregoingtowalkawayfromaninteractionveryannoyed.Theemotionalpayloadorpunchlineissimplyruined.Givethemanopportunitytofullydevelopandfinishtheirstory,andthenyoucanbowoutofaconversation.Todosootherwiseistoshowmisunderstandingofwhotheyare,andtheywillassumethatyoumisunderstoodthem.Theirstoriesmightbelackluster,butitdoesn'tmatter.Whatmattersisthatyou'regivingthemenoughopportunitiestofullydevelopthestorytheyhavetoshare.Deliverthefeedbacktheyareseeking.Conversationsonlyserveafewpurposes,whenyoureallybreakthemdown.Weengageotherpeopleforentertainment,information,orpleasure–ifnotpresently,thenforthehopeofsuch.Wedon’talwaysseekthesethingsconsciouslyorknowingly,buttherecomesadistinctfeelingofemptinessanddissatisfactionifwewalkawayfromaninteractionwithoutfulfillingourpurpose.Ifyou’veeverbeentoanetworkingevent,youmightknowthefeeling.Howdoyoufeelifyoutalktoonepersonthewholenightversuswhenyoutalkto15peoplethroughoutthenightandcollectalloftheirbusinesscards.Ifyoudotheformer,youwillprobablygohomefeelinglikeyoudidn’taccomplishyourgoals.Sowhetheritisentertainment,information,orpleasure,trytohoneinonwhatyourconversationpartnerisseekingandgiveittothem.

Howcanyoutellwhattheywant?Let’ssimplifythis.Entertainment:Theywanttosharetheirlifeexperienceswithyou,orhearaboutyours.Listentotheirstoryandaskfollowupquestions.Information:Theyareaskingyouaboutsomethingthatyouhavespecialknowledgein.Givethemafewactionablestepsandresourcestolookuplater.Pleasure:Theyareflirtingwithyou.Ofcourse,thisisn’tsomethingthatyoushouldfeelobligatedtosatisfythemwith.Awittysummation.Oneofthemosteffectivewaystoendaconversationistouseajokeorsomesortofwittycommentthatisopen-endedenoughthatitcanbethebasisofanotherfutureconversation.Ofcourse,thisrequiresabitofthinkingonyourfeettogetitright.Herearesomeexamplesthatyoucanimaginesayingwhilewalkingaway:

1. Well,interestingconversationonthebathroomhabitsofants…I’llkeepinthemindthetipsyougaveme!

2. Ofcourse,Anna’sfriendswouldhaveaheateddiscussionaboutwhatkindofmarketingstrategyisbest.Ihavesomuchresearchtodo.

3. Wow,okay,Ineedtogolookupandverifythatfact…rightnow!4. I’mgoingtogomentionthistomyfriendoverthere,Ithinkhewillgetakick

outofthis.5. Okay,mymindisblownbythatfact.Ineedtodecompress…6. Youguysaretoocrazyforme,I’mgoingtogoseewhatthosepeopleare

talkingabout.Rememberthatthewayyouendyourconversationsreflectsofhowgoodaconversationalistyouare–evenifitdoesn’t.That’stheironyoftherecencyeffect.

13.Conversationkillers.Doyouhaveatoughtimecarryingonaconversation?Doyouoftenfeelthatyourconversationsoftenendsoonerthantheyshouldend?Doyouexperiencedifficultykeepingaconversationgoing?Youmightbecommittinganyoneofthefollowingconversationkillerswithoutevenknowingit.Yes,itmightbeyoucondemningyourconversationstoprematuredeath.WhydoIpointthefingeratyou?Becauseyou’retheonereadingthebookrightnow,activelygainingthepowertoimproveyourconversations!MostpeoplewillneverthinkabouttheirconversationsinsuchdepthasIpresenttoyou,soit’suptoyouasthebetterconversationalisttoleadandkeepconversationsinteresting.You’reright.Simplyagreeingwithsomeoneisnotsayingmuchatall.Itsaysthatyouagreewiththeperson.However,thereisreallynomeattothestatement.Whenyoufindyourselfsaying“You’reright”alot,youdon’tgivetheotherpersonreasontokeeppressingaheadwithanotherstory,oranotherinsightoranotherobservation.Youjustechothem,whichisn’tnecessarilymotivating.Eventhoughpeopleliketobeagreedwith,itcanstopaconversationcoldifthereisnoadditionalinsight.Instead,say,“IagreewithyoubecauseXandY.”Whenyoulayoutreasons,twothingshappen.First,youletthatpersonintohowyouthink.Yougivethatpersonasneakpeekintohowyourmindworks,howyourmindhandleslogicalprocesses.Thisisanopportunityforanintellectuallevelofintimacy.

Second,whenyouexplainthereasonswhyyouagreewithsomebody;youareactuallygivingtheconversationanopportunitytobranchouttothoseareas.Notsaying“You’rewrong.”Again,peoplelikebeingagreedwith.Butifthat’sallthefeedbacktheygetfromaconversationwithnofeedbackorinsight,theyquicklygetboredwithpraisealone.Peoplearelesssensitivetojudgmentthatyouthink.Ifyoudisagreewithsomeone(tactfullyandnicely)thenrarelywilltheylashoutatyou.Notethatthereisaworldofdifferencebetweenrespectfullydisagreeingwithsomeoneandtellingthemthattheyareflatoutwrong.Whenyounotetosomeonethatyoudisagreewiththem,itspursacertainlevelofrespect,andfromit,debateanddiscourse.Peoplewillalwaysrelishtheopportunitytoexplaintheirinnermotivationsandthoughts,soifyoudisagreewiththem,yougivethemopportunitytoclarifyandexplain.Don’tbeayesman/woman.Failuretoaskfollowupquestions.Oneofthemostcommonconversationkillersiswhenyounodandafterapersonhassaidtheirpieceandleaveitatthat.Youhavetoaskfollow-upquestions.Ifyoutrulyagreed,therearecertainareasthattrulyengagedyou.Youmightwanttofocusonthoseareasbyaskingquestionsregardingpointsofagreement.Thiscanincreasethelikelihoodoftheconversationbranchingoutintosubtopicsthatcanleadtomorestoriesandmoresharedinformation.Rememberthateveryoneisseekingoneofthreethingsfromaconversation–entertainment,information,orpleasure.Ifsomeonehassaidtheirpiece,withoutfeedbackitisimpossibletofeelfulfilledinaninteraction.Followupquestionsallowpeopletofindtheirpurposesatisfied.

14.It’sanintrovert’spartytoo.Introvertsgetanunfairrapinsociety.Mostofthetimetheyarelumpedtogetherwiththesociallyawkwardoranti-social.Weknowpeoplewhosevenndiagramdoesindeedintersectthere,buttheyaretheexceptiontothegeneralrule.Thetextbookdefinitionofanintrovertisonewhorechargestheirsocialbatteryfromspendingtimealoneorotherwisewiththemselves.It’sprettysimple,actually.Ifyouspendadayoutwithyourfriendsatabarbecue,whatdoyoufeelmoreinclinedtoyouwhenyoureturnhome?Crashandrelaxfortherestofthenight,orregroupandjoineveryoneelseataclub?Introvertswouldlikelyanswertheformer.Sointrovertsdon’tinherentlyhavelessofanabilitytowardsconversationthanextrovertsdo–theyjusthavealessercapacityforit.Unfortunately,lifedoesn’toftencarewhetheryouareanintrovertandhaveusedupyoursocialbatteryfortheday.Itwillrequireyoutopushthrough,regardlessofyourleveloffatigue.Herearesomeconversationskillsspecificallydesignedforintrovertswhomaybeinneedofjustpushingthroughitoccasionally.Justintroduceyourself.Justdoit.Goodconversationsareaseriesofsequences.However,yourobyourselfofthechancetostartanyofthosesequencesifyoucan’tjustbebotheredtointroduceyourself.It’sthebeginningofanyconversationwithastranger,andoftenthebiggestobstacletoovercome.

Iknowthatasanintrovertyoursocialbatterymighthavebeenexhaustedhoursago,butthisisn’tabookthatisgoingtonotpushyou.Partofsocialsuccessasanintrovertisseeingyoursocialbatteryextendedandincreased,soactivelymakingthechoicetolookaroundandthinkaboutwhoyoucanintroduceyourselfto–that’sgoingtopushyourboundariesandmakeyoumorecapableofseizingtheopportunitiesthatyoumightmissoutonotherwise.Passivelyparticipate.Soyoursocialbatteryhasrunoutandyoustillhavetoengageothers.There’sarelativelyeasywaytodothis.Justaskincrediblyopen-endedandpersonalquestionstopeople.IfIhaven’tmadeitclearalready,peoplelovetalkingaboutthemselves.Theywilltakeanyopportunityandopeningtodoso,especiallythosewhoareusuallymodestandhumbleabouttheiraccomplishments.Soifyoujustactlikeamirrortothemandaskthemquestionslikethis,youcanparticipateinaconversationinaverypassivemanner.Nod,smile,andask.Promptthemtokeeptalkingbyaskingquestionslikeaninterrogation–thisisaveryloweffortwaytointeractwithpeople.Thesweetironyisthatthisisalsoawayofinteractingthatmakespeoplethinkthatyouareinterestedinthem,andmayworkbetterinfosteringrelationshipsthanactiveconversations.Thinkoutloud.Partofthereasonthatintrovertsrechargetheirbatteriesaloneissothattheycanthinktheirthoughtsaloneandinpeaceandsilence.We(yes,Iidentifyasanintrovertaswell)liketimetonothavetoanswerotherpeopleandjustreflectontheday.Whenwe’realone,wegodeeperintointrospectionthanwewouldwithotherpeople,whereeverydaysituationswouldn’tallow.Oh,andnothavingtodealwithothersisanicetoo.Butassumingthatyoucan’tmuseonthesetopicswithotherpeoplewouldbea

fallacy.Youwillbesupremelysurprisedwhenyousimplythinkoutloudaboutwhatyouwouldusuallymuseonbyyourself.Thisisgoingtotakeyourconversationstothenextlevelintermsofintrospection,informationexchange,andpureinterest.Thealternativeisstayinginconversationsthataresafe,shallow,andboring.Theleastyoucandowhenyoursocialbatteryisexhaustedistomakethingsinterestingforyourself,andthinkingoutloudontopicsthatyouwant.Assumetheotherpersonisincrediblyinteresting.Ifyoursocialbatterywasexhausted,wouldthatmatterifyourfavoriteactorormusicianwasatthebarnextdoor?I’mprettysurethatyourreactionwouldbetoattheveryleast‘suckitup’andparticipateinwhatappearstobearareoronce-in-a-lifetimesituation.Whatifyoucouldtrickyourselfintothinkingthatinanysituation,thereissomeonewhoisgoingtoprovidethatmuchexcitementorvalueforyou?Actually,itshouldn’tbeatrickbecauseit’sjustthetruth.Everyoneisinteresting,andeveryoneisbetterthanyouatsomethingandcanteachyousomething.Sohere’sthemindset:everyoneisinsanelyinterestingintheirownway.Everyoneisunique.Thewaytheylookatandexperiencetheworldisoneofakind,anditwouldbeashameifyoudenythisreality.Letyourcuriosityandthirstforentertainmentovercomeyourexhaustedsocialbattery.Ifyouexpectthatothershavenovaluetoprovideyou,you’rebothsabotagingyourselfsocially…andcompletelywrong.NoteveryoneisaNobellaureate,butthenagainneitherareyou.Asanintrovert,Iunderstandintimatelyhowdifficultfacinglargesocialsituationscanbe.SometimesIcanfullyadmittomyselfthatIdon’tpreferlargecrowds,butdoesitmatterifthechoiceisremovedfrommyhand?It’suptometomakethebestofit,andthetipsIhaveherearedesignedtoextendandgrowyoursocialbatterysothat

nomatterhowtiredyouare,yourconversationskillsarestillfarabovepar.

15.Confrontingwithoutconfrontation.Noteveryconversationcanbeginandendwithrainbows.Sometimesconversationsdevolveintoargumentsandlouddisagreementsduetocircumstancesthatareoutofyourcontrol.Youcanavoidmostofthese.Butthat’snotwhatthischapterisabout.Thischapterisaboutthedifficultconversationsinourlivesthatwecan’tavoid–conflictswithpeopleorsituationsinourlivesthatarenecessaryandunavoidable.Welookattheworldindifferentways,andwecan'tallpossiblyagreeonallthingsallthetime.Criticismanddisagreementswillcomeuptimeandtimeagain.Confrontationisnotaconceptthatthemajorityofusarecomfortablewith,andasaresultweusuallyavoiditforaslongaswecan.Butthatjustcausesresentmentandpassive-aggressivenesstofesterinsideuntilitexplodesinamessofangerandemotion.Weallinnatelyknowthatthebestwaytoaddressanissueisactuallyconfrontation,butsinceweusuallyavoidit,wealsodon’tknowhowconfrontationworksbest.Youcanengageinameasuredwaythatleadstoaneffectiveandefficientexchangeofinformationandview,oryoucansimplyverballybrawl.Youhavetodecidewhetheryou'dratherengageinaproductiveconversationthatleadstoaresolution,orattempttoproveyourpointinsolepursuitofbeingright.Thewayyouapproachconfrontationcaneithertriggeranemotionaloutpouring,oramutuallybeneficialexchangeofideas.Likewitheverythingelseinlife,thereisanoptimalwayofproceedingthatwillmakeyourdifficultconversationsandconfrontationsleadsomewherepositive.Createasandwich.Mostconfrontationanddifficultconversationsbeginwithasimplecriticism.

However,peopledeliveritinharshwaysthatdon’tallowthecriticismtobereceivedinwithoutdefensivenessorothernegativeemotion.Oneofthebestwaystodisarmpeopleandtheirinnatedefensemechanismsistocreateacriticismsandwich.Justasasandwichhastwopiecesofbreadaroundapieceameat,soshouldyourcriticism–exceptthebreadshouldbepositivestatements,andthemeatyourcriticism.Forexample,Bread:Ireallylikehowyou’reshowinginitiativeandtakingactionwithyourdailytasks,Lisa.Meat:However,Ithinkthatsometimesyoutendtoletthisstepoverotherpeople,andyoucanbealittlepushyaroundtheminyourinterestinpushingprojectsforward.Bread:We’vedefinitelyseensomegrowthfromyourinitiative,though.It’sagoodtraitthatisveryhardtofindinpeoplethesedays.Youstartonapositivenotetomakepeoplefeelcomfortableandnotdefensiverightoffthebat.Insertyourcriticisminatactfulway,includingthepositiveaspectsofit.Thenyouendonapositivenotesohopefullytheirrespondisfirsttothepositivenote,andnotdirectlytothecriticism.Ifyoudivestraightintothecriticism,youwillintimidateandthreatentheotherpersonimmediately,andsetthetonefortherestoftheconfrontation.Focusontheconsequences.Whenyouareconfrontingsomeone,youarerarelymakingajudgmentaboutthem.Youaresimplynoticingsomethingthatyouwouldlikechangedandbringingittotheirattentionsothattheymayfixit.However,thedifferencehereisgoingtobelostonmostpeople.Thisisthereasonthatpeoplebecomedefensiveandlashbackatyouwhenconfrontedandcriticized.Theyfeelthatyouaremakingajudgmentonthemandattackingthempersonally,whichunderstandablyisquitedistressingtopeople.

That’swhyitissocriticaltomakeclearthatyouarenotcriticizingthem,hencestrikingthephrase“you’rewrong,”whichisdirectlyatthem.Thus,youalsoshouldnotdirectlycriticizeanaction.Instead,makeitclearthatyouareonlylamentingthenegativeconsequencesthatarehappeningtoyou.Itisnotanattackonthem,ratherjustpointingouthowyouarebeingnegativelyaffected.Morethanlikely,thiswillspuryourconversationpartnertoturnonthemselvesandwanttoaltertheiractionstokeepyoufromfeelingthatway.Ifthepersonyou'redealingwithisintellectuallyhonest,theycanworkfromthefaultypremisestocomeupwithalogicalconclusionthatmeansthemadjustingtheiractions.Forexample,“Ikeephavingtoparkpartiallyonthelawnasaresultofourparkingsituation,whichmeansthatmypantsandshoesgetreallymuddyeverymorning.Woulditbepossibletoshiftyourparkingupafewyardseveryday?”Insteadof,“Hey,youneedtoparkbetter.”Bysteppingthemthroughtheanalysis,theycanseehowtheymadethewrongturnandendedupwithaconclusionthathurtsyou.Usetheirintellectualprocessesforthemtocomeupwiththeirownanalysis.Inotherwords,theytakeownershipofyourcritique.Besolution-oriented.Focusonactionablesolutionsinsteadofwhatyoudisagreewith.Thereasonforthistenetistherealizationthatyousimplycannotchangemanypeople’sminds.Diplomatically,thisputsmattersatastandstill,andmanypeopleoftencannotmovepastit.Butwhatifyouweretojust‘agreetodisagree,’andfocusontreatingthesymptomsthatmakepeoplefeelbadly?Maybetheinternalintentcan’torwon’tchange,butatleastthepartiesinvolvedcanfindmorepeaceandresolutionifthereisacompromise.

Theclearansweristofocusonactionablesolutionsthatwillalleviatetheproblem.Startwithwhatresolutioneachpartywantsfromtheconfrontationorcriticism.Figureoutprimaryandsecondarymotivationsbehindtheiractionsandwants–thiswayyoucanunderstandwhichsolutionswillactuallymakethemfeelbetter.Fromthere,itispossibletocreatealistofpossiblesolutionsandresolutions,untiloneresonateswithbothpartiesasacceptable.Thisisnotaprocessthatwouldbepossibleifyouhadfocusedonanimpassebetweenyoutwo.Indeed,sometimesitisfarmoreproductivetonotevenaddresstheunderlyingissuesifyoudonotthinkeitherpartywillactuallychange,andjustseektomakethemhappierthroughsolutions.Countlessfriendshipshavebeendestroyedbyunhealthyandmisguidedconfrontation.Partofsocialsuccessisdealingwithuncomfortablesituationsinsmoothandgracefulways.Indeeditcanmeanadifferencebetweenpreservingafriendshipanddestroyingone.Muchofthisbookhasfocusedonpositiveconversations,butequallypresentarenegativesituationswecannotturnawayfrom.

16.Listentoopenthemup.Justbecauseyouareabletohearwhatsomebodyelseissayingdoesn'tnecessarilymeanyouarelisteningtothem.Listeninginvolvesmorethanjustprocessingthesoundwavesthatenteryourearcanal.Effectivelisteningshouldenableyoutoclearlyunderstandthemotivationsbehindwhatapersonissaying,andcontributeinwaysthatwillsolvetheirproblemsormakethemfeelbetteraboutthemselves.Atleast,thisistheidealgoal.Hereareafewwaysthatyoucanimproveyourlisteningskillstonotonlyincreaseyourconversationskills,buttogetpeopletoopenuptoyouliketheywouldaclosefriend.Compliment.Makesureyoucommunicateyourappreciationforthefactthatthispersontookthetime,effort,andbothertosharewhatheorshewouldliketoshare.Thisisveryimportantbecauseitsetsthelisteningprocessandinterpersonalcommunicationprocessoffontherightfoot.Whenyoufailtocomplimentthespeaker,you'rebasicallysendingoutasignalthatthismightbeaconfrontationalortensesituation.That'shardlyaningredientforeffectivelistening.Createasafespace.Oneofthebiggestreasonsthatpeoplearenotasforthcomingastheywouldbeotherwiseisbecausetheydon’tfeelsafe.It’snotafeelingofdangerlikeswimmingwithsharks,butrathertheydon’tfeelsafefromjudgment.Theyimaginethatpeoplemightthinktheyareabadpersonjustforspeakingtheirmind,orforpersonalopinionstheyhold.

Andthat’svalid,becausemostofusdojudgepeoplefullyandcompletelybeforeweevershould.Sopartofeffectivelisteningwillhingeonyourabilitytocreateasafeandjudgment-freespaceforpeopletoreallyspilltheirgutsandtellyouwhat’sontheirmind.Thisisaprocessthatmostofusarenotusedto,sohereareafewguidelinestocreatingaspacethatwillmakepeoplefeelcomfortableinopeningup.

1. Don’tshownegativeemotionswhenpeopleexpresstheirpersonalopinionsorthoughts.Atworst,keepapokerface.Thisshowsthatyoudon’tdisapproveofthemortheirchoices.

2. Revealaspectsaboutyourselfthatmightbejudgedbyotherpeople.Ifyoudothisandmakeyourselfequallyvulnerable,itwillinspireotherstosharewithyou,assumingthatyoudonotjudgeaboutsuchthings.

3. Tellthemexplicitlythatyoudonotjudge,andrealizethatpeople’schoicesaretheirownanddon’tmakethemanybetterorworseofpeople.

Determinethemainmessage.Thisisacrucialpartofeffectivelistening.Whenpeopletalk,theyaren’talwaysveryorganizedorarticulateintheirthoughts.Addthattoemotionaldistress,andpeoplearetypicallyallovertheplace.However,peoplearetalkingtoyoubecausesomethingmatterstothem.There’sareasonthattheyaresharingthatparticularpieceofinformation–determinewhatthatreasonandunderlyingmotivationis.Determinethemainmessageandyoucandigdeeperintosomethingthatmattersmoredeeplytothem.Don’tinterrupt.Anotherthingtokeepinmindwhenyou'redealingwithsomebodywhoexpressesabodylanguagethatcommunicateshighlevelofengagementistoavoidtalkingoverthem.They’rerunningdownhill,andthat’satrainthatisdifficulttostop–andwhenyoudostopit,it’sbothannoyingandleavesasourfeeling.Whenyou'retalkingoversomebody,itcanbeinterpretedasathreateninggesture.Somakesurethattheyenoughtimetofullyexplainwhatthey'resayingandtofully

communicatewhattheyhavetosay,andthenyouaskfollow-upquestionsoryoushareyourownstory.Avoidtalkingoverthembecauseyou'renotinadebate.You'renottheretodominate.You'renottheretointimidatepeople.You'retheretogetpeople'strustandconfidence.Byfollowingthestepshere,youcangoalongwayinbeingperceivedasaconscientioussincerelistener.Listeningatitsrootisanexercisewhereyoubecomeclosertosomeonebyhearingtheirnarrativeandrelatingtoityourself.However,mostpeoplehaveroadblocksinactuallysharingtheirnarrativethatyoumustfirstovercome,andthat’swhatIhopeyouhavelearnedtoovercomeinthischapter.Listeningbyitselfisaneasyact,butthepathtoeffectivenessismoredifficultthanonewouldexpect.

17.Digitallyspeaking.Ifwehaveenoughtroublecommunicatingourintentsfacetofacewhenwecanseesomeone,justhowmuchofthatoverallmessagedoyouthinkislostwhenwecommunicatebydigitalmeans?Okay,we’reinanagenowwheremostofourdailycommunicationwithfriendsisnotbyactuallyseeingthem.It’se-mail,texting,instantmessaging,andanynumberofsocialmediaavenues.Whilewecandebatebackandforththevalueofrelyingonthesekindsofcommunication,andwhetherornotiterodesouroverallabilitytocommunicateeffectively…thefactofthematterremainsthatitisheretostay,andwillonlygrowmoreprevalent.Whichmeansthatweshouldthinkaboutourconversationskillsandhowtomaximizethemwithindigitalmeans–whichformydefinitionandthepurposesofthischapter,includesphone,e-mails,chatting,andtexting.Thedynamicsaresimplydifferent,andyoucannotconfusewhatworksononemediumwithwhatworksinanother.Rememberthatmostofthemessagethatwecommunicateisn’tthroughthewordsthatwesayorspeak,soyouneedtomakeyourmessageextraclearoverdigitalmeans.Infact,thatleadsmetomyfirstpoint.Ifindoubt,makeit100%crystalclear.Withoutthebenefitofallthesignalsthatweusuallyutilizewithin-personcommunication,partofourmessageisboundtogetlostintheshuffle.Worseyetiswhenyourmessageiscompletelymisunderstood,andgetstwistedintosomethingthatyouhavesaidnothingnear.Thinkaboutit–we’vealldonethesametoothers.“Whatdidhemean‘I’llseeyoulater?’”Aretheybeingpassive-aggressive,tryingtobefunny,sarcastic,orjust

oblivious?Whatasimplesmileorgesturemightconveyiscompletelylostoverchatore-mail.Therefore,ifyouareeverindoubtofthemessageyouaresending,make100%crystalclearoftheintenttotheotherperson.Youshouldn’tfeelawkwardaboutthisatall,becausehere’sthealternative:yourbestfriendassumingthatyoudon’twanttohelpthemmove,wheninfactyouweremakingalight-heartedjokeaboutgettingpaidinpizza.Soundfamiliarorrelatable?Takingaquickasideandclarifyingyourmessageandintenttootherswillalwaysbelesspainfulandeasierthanyouthink–andofcourse,theupsideasavoidinghugemisunderstandingsispriceless.Keyphrases:

1. Wait,youknowIwasjustkidding,right?2. Okay,thatwasaweirdjoke,butIactuallymeant[______]…3. Bytheway,Iwaskiddingaboutthat.4. Boy,IneedtobemoreclearaboutwhatImean…

Smilewhenyou’reonthephone.There’sareasonthatbigbusinessmeetingsarealwaysinsistedtobeface-to-face.Whenyoumeetsomeoneinperson,yougetthewordsoutoftheirmouths,theirfacialexpressions,toneofvoice,andbodylanguage.Obviously,threeofthosearelostwithdigitalcommunication.Sowhilethingsmightlookgoodinwritingthroughdigitalmeans,theymightbesayingsomethingcompletelydifferentunknowingly.Lackingathreedimensionalviewofasimplestatementisdangerouslyincomplete,especiallywhenimportantissuesareatplay.Aconversationbyphoneisuniversallyrecognizedasthenextbestalternativetobeingabletoseesomeonetocommunicate.Thebestwaytoavoidanykindofmiscommunication,especiallyifitisadifficultsubjectmatteroryourhumorskewsmean,istospeakwithasmileinyourvoice.Thismeansthatwhenyou’reonthephonewithsomeone,toimaginethattheyare

rightthereinfrontofyouandactuallysmileandemote.Thisisgoingtodotwothings.First,whenmostofustalkonthephone,weemotelessbecausewedon’thaveanythingvisualtoreactto.Thismeansthatourvoicesalsoemoteless,andlessofthemessagewewanttoconveyshinesthrough.Smilingwhileyouspeakonthephonefixesthisproblemtoadegree.Forpractice,starttakingyourphonecallswhileyouwatchyourselfinthemirror.Noticethedifference.Second,studieshaveshowntimeandtimeagainthatourmindscanliterallyfollowwhatourbodiesdo.Thismeansthatifyousmile,youcanliterallyimproveyouroverallmood.Thisisbeneficialforyourconversationandyourdayingeneral.Exaggerateyouremotions.Intheabsenceofcommunicationsignalsotherthanourwordsatfacevalue,welatchontootherthingsthatmightindicateemotionandtoneofvoice–whatpeoplearethinking.Wecanusethisknowledgewisely,andexaggeratetheemotionswewanttoconveytomakesurethattheyareknown.Thisisthedifferencebetweenawrysmileandachuckle,andanaudiblelaughpunctuatedbya“That’shilarious!”Ifthisfeelsfaketoyou,itshouldn’t.Infact,it’stheopposite–it’sincrediblyhonest.Allyou’redoingismakingsurethatpeopleknowhowyouhonestlyfeel!Howelsecanyouexaggerateyouremotions?Asidefrommoreloudlyanddirectlyreactingtowhatpeoplesay,youcanoutrightsayhowyouarefeelingaboutsomething–thattakesalltheguessworkoutofit.Forexample,someonemakesyoumad.Inperson,youmightfrown,rollyoureyes,andsighloudly.Howmightyouexpressthesameovertextore-mail?Thereareafewways,buteachcanbemisinterpretedinanumberofways–thebestwaymightsimplybetodirectlyexpressyouremotionbysaying“Thatwasalittleoffputtingthewayyousaidthat…”Usingemoticons10%morethanyoucurrentlydocanalsohelpwithdirectexpressionandmakingsurethatnomessagesaremixedormissed.

Themainthemeofdigitallyspeakingistomakesurethatyouareconveyingwhatyouthinkyouare.Wehaveenoughtroublewhenwearestaringsomeonerightintheeye,sowemusttakeextracareandcautionwhencommunicatingoveranyothermedium.It’sworthnotingthatnothinginthischapterisadeparturefromotherconversationskillsthatIhaveimpartedtoyou–youshouldstillintegratethose,butsimplyensurethatyouarebeingcrystalclearaboutthem.

18.A21-dayconversationbootcampplan.Justincaseyouwerewondering…internalizingtheseconversationandsocialskillsisalifelongprocess.Havingthetoolsandknowledgeisundoubtedlythefirstpartoftherequiredwork,butit’slessthanhalfthebattleasopposedtoactuallyapplyingandpracticingthem.Themerepreamble,sotospeak.Unfortunateyetisthefactthatifyouweretocompareyoursocialandconversationskillswithotherpeople’s,theywillinevitablydevelopatdifferentratesasaresultofourlifeexperiencesandinnateabilities.Yetthepointisthattheywillimprovegiventimeandpractice.Forsomemorethanothers,itjustmightrequireamoreregimentedandstructuredplan–howabouta21dayconversationbootcampplan?Day1:Identifyandunderstandyourmostcommonconversationproblems.Idon'tcarelikehowsocialyouare.Everybodyhasaconversationproblemorstickingpoint.Maybeyouendconversationstooabruptly.Maybeyouhaveatoughtimestartingconversationsinthefirstplace,oryoujusthaveatoughtimemaintainingconversations.Regardlessoftheproblem,there'salwaysasolutiontoit.However,you'renotgoingtoarriveatasolutionifyoufirstdon'tidentifytheproblemthatyou'regrapplingwith.There'sareasonwhyyoukeeprunningintothesameroadblocksagainandagain.It'sagoodideaforDay1ofthis21-dayplantositdown,andhonestlyfigureoutwhatyourmostcommonconversationproblemsare.Thiswillalsobeusefulintermsofmeasuringyourimprovement.Takenoteoftheproblemsyouhave,andseehowyoufeelaboutthemonday21.

Days2to3:Notewhereconversationscanbesavedorextended.Therearecommonreasonsthatconversationsendquicklyorprematurely.Whenyouspenddays2to3observingandtakingnoteofyourinteractionswithotherpeople,youwillbegintoseeverydistinctpatterns.Nobodyisexpectingyoutobeperfect.However,youjustneedtoworkonclearlyidentifyingthegoodandbadthingsthathappeninyourconversations,otherwisewhatisthepurposeandhowcanyoulearn?Attempttofocusonwhathappensrightbeforeyousaygoodbyetosomeoneandpartways,whathappensrightbeforeanawkwardsilence,andwhathappensrightafteryougreetsomeone.Thosearethethreeaspectsofaconversationthatcanbeworkedonandimproved,becausetheyarethethreespotswhereconversationcaneasilybreakdownandwitheraway.Spotanybehavioralorconversationalpatternsyoucan,andstartworkingoncorrectingthem.Days4to7:Startingconversationssmoothly.Nowthatyouhaveaclearideaastowhyyourconversationtendstoendupworkingoutornorworkingoutacertainway;thenextstepistolearnhowtostartconversationsmoothly.Thegoodnewsisthatpeoplearelookingtotalk.Theyliketalkingaboutthemselves,andtheyaremoreopentotalkingtopeoplethanyouwouldexpect.We'reinaconstantsearchforanaudience.Youhavetomakethisfactworktoyouradvantage,andthegoodnewsisthatstartingconversationsmustfocusonsharedexperiences.Whatkindofcommonexperiencescanmostpeopleagreeon?Thiswilldependonwhatyoudoandwhoyouseeinyourdailylife.Forexample,you’reanengineerworkinginabigcity.

Youmightexpectthefollowingtypesoftopicsforhim:work,programming,commute,weather,lunchchoices,weekendplans,projects,cityevents,upcomingvacationplans,siblings,family,pets…thelistgoeson.Theseareallcommonexperiencesyouhavewiththepeoplearoundyou.Startingaconversationisaseasyasaskinginanoff-handwayaboutanyofthosetopics.“Didyouhearthatitwasgoingtobesupernicethisweekend?”“Didn’tyourbrotherjustgetmarried?”“Can’tbelievewehadtowork80hourslastweek,right?”“SoIhearthatthefestivalthisweekendisgoingtohavealotofnakedpeople…”Days8-9:Leavingsmoothly.Justasittakesskilltostartaconversationsmoothly,italsotakesskilltoendoneonagoodnote.Theworstthingyoucandoistodroptheballandjusthaveitcutoffabruptly.Thewholepointinengaginginconversationsisreallytoknoweachotherbetterandtofeelbetterabouteachother.Whenyouengageinconversationsinsuchawaythatyou'recuttingoffpeopleabruptly,thishardlyleadstoapositiveplace,especiallyiftheyhaven’tfulfilledoneofthemainpurposesofaconversation:entertainment,information,orpleasure.Solearntheskillsthatyouneedtoendconversationssmoothly.Usually,thisinvolvesopeninguptheopportunityforfuturediscussions.Itcanalsoinvolvesettingupanappointmentforafollow-upinthefuture.Days10to14:Goingdeeper.AsI'vementionedearlier,peopledon'treallyneedmuchencouragementtotalkaboutthemselves.Buttherearecertainlevelsthatpeopleareaccustomedtotalkingto,andmostoftheselevelsdon’treallybuildtherelationshipsthatyouwouldwant.Forwhatwewanttoaccomplishwitheachconversation,weneedtogodeeperinto

topicsandultimatelyintopeople’slivesandthoughts.Howdowedothis?Afewsimplestepsandmindsetstoembody.Getpersonal.Peoplearerarelyasoffendedorviolatedasyouthinktheymightbe,sothefirstlessonistoeradicatethemindsetthatyouwilloffendpeople.Ofcourse,thisissomethingthatshouldobviouslybewieldedwithcautionandcommonsense,butbeing‘safe’inaconversationwillrarelyleadanywhererevelatory.Askwhy.Ifyoukeepaskingwhy,itforcespeopletoexplaintheirthoughtsandintentionsbehindtheiractions.Ifyoudigdeepenoughonthe“whys”youwilleventuallybegintounderstandwhatdrivesapersonandwhytheyarewhotheyare.It’sasimplestep,butpowerfulwhenusedcorrectlyandrepeatedly.Finally,bebold.Thisisthefirstpointrestatedinsomewhatofadifferentlight.Ifyoucan’teasilyadoptthemindsetofaskingpersonalandmoreintimatequestionsofpeople,thenyoumuststartwithattemptingtobeboldinyourconversationtopics.Days15to18:Non-verbalfocus.It’sbeensaidatleastafewtimesinthisbookthatmostofthecommunicationsignalsweendupactuallysendingaren’tfromthewordswespeak.Therefore,itwouldmakeperfectsensetospendafewdaysfocusingonhowtoreadthem,andsubsequentlyhowtodisplayit.Here’syourtaskfordays15to18.Beamasterobserver–morethanyouwereearlierinthe21dayperiod.Thistime,justgrabacupofcoffee,andsitinabusycafé.You’regoingtochooseaspotwhereyoucaneasilyseepeoplegoinandoutandinteractwitheachother.Hopefully,youcanalsospotafewawkwardcoffeedatesalongtheway,whichwillbeperfectforourpurposes.Thenyou’regoingtosimplysipyourcoffeeandwatchpeople.Startsimple,andseeifyoucantellifaninteractionorconversationisgoingwellorpoorly.Whatlittlefacialexpressionsorgestureswouldmakeyoufeelthisway?Canyouarticulatewhy?Fromthere,seeifyoucanstarttodeducetheactualmoodsofthepeopleinvolved.

Aretheyhappy,angry,sad,annoyed,joyous,nervous,oranxious?Canyouarticulatewhy?Justmakesurepeopledon’tcatchyoustaringatthem!Days19to20:Practicebegins.You’vepreparedforthisforalmost3weeks!Thisiswhenyoucanreallybegininternalizingthelessonslearned,andputthemintopracticetosolidifythem.Thebestpeopletopracticewitharetheservicepeopleinyourlife–Imeanthebaristas,cashiers,andvaletsthatweinteractwithonadailybasis.Thesepeopleareliterallypaidtobenicetoyou,andyouhaveprobablymadetheirdayfarlessboringjustbyengagingthem.Finally,it’sazero-riskmovetopracticeonservicepeoplebecausethere’sagoodchancethatyouwon’tseethesepeopleagaininyourlife.Ifyoucrashandburn,whichisunlikelygiventheirjobs,thenyouhavestilllostnothingbecausetheywillnotimpactyourlifeinanyway.Besttopracticeonpeoplelikethat,thatwillhavenoimpactonyourlife,thantodiveinandpracticewiththeCEOofyourcompanyatabigcompanynetworkingevent.It’slow-risk,high-reward,andultimatelyasatisfyingthrill.Day21:Shootforthemoon.Isthereachallengingsocialsituationthatyouhavealwaysbeenhesitanttoface?Someonethatyouhavealwaysbeenhesitanttoengageinconversation?Nowisthetimetoseizethatfearandmakeanopportunityofit.You’vehonedyourskillsthroughsmartstudyandpracticeforthepast3weeks,sothereisliterallynopointinyourlifethatyouhavebeenmorepreparedforit.Thebaristasmaybetooeasyforyounow,soit’stimetoputyourskillstothechallengebytacklingsomethingbig.Thebaristasalsodon’tinducetheanxietyoradrenalinethatyou’llfeelonadailybasisinactualsocialsituationsthathavesomestakes,soit’stimetostartintroducingthoseintoyourcontextandgetusedtobestingthem.

Thischallengewillbeeasierthanyouthought,andrememberthoseproblemsyouwroteatthebeginningofthe21days?Takealookatthoseandseehowyoufeelaboutthemnow.Makenomistakeaboutit,greatconversationalistsaremade.Theyareneverborn.Youcanbeasocialperson,butyoustillneedskillstobuildonyournaturalabilitiestotrulybecomeagreatconversationalist.Evenifyou'reatrueintrovertandthethoughtofmeetingandtalkingtostrangersscaresyou,youcanstilldeveloptheskillsetyouneedtobeaneffectiveconversationalist.

19.Humor101.Whetherornotyouareafanofstandupcomedy,youcan’tnotacknowledgethattherearecomediansthatareclearlysuperiortoothers.ThedifferencebetweenaDaneCook(so-soinmyopinion)andaLouisC.K.(crudeandhilariousinmyopinion)isasbigastheGrandCanyon,andit’sinnosmallpartduetotheirdeliveryandtiming.WhyamItellingyouthis?It’ssimplytobringawarenesstothefactthatevenpeoplewhotelljokesforalivingsometimesaren’tgreatathumor.Now,combinethatwiththefactthathumorisprettymuchthebestsociallubricantthereis,andthatjokesareessentiallyshortstoriesthataredesignedtoproducespecificresponses.Whatdoweget?Humor,thoughsupremelydifficult,isdamnimportanttodailyconversation.Luckily,scientistshaveactuallystudiedhumorandbrokenitdownintosmallcomponentsthatwecanactuallylearntouseindailyconversation.Morespecifically,theyhaveproposedthatthevastmajorityofhumorfallsintoacertainnumberofdistinctpatternsandstructures,whichIwillintroduceyoutoshortly.Retitling.Thisiswhenyoureframeanactionunderadifferentname,usuallyinanexaggeratedmanner.“Rajiswalkinginandoutoftraffic”becomes“Wow,RajisembracinghisinnerEvilKinevil.”“Didhejustwatchthatterribleromanticcomedy?”becomes“Iguessheistryingtofindhisfeminineside,huh?”

“Hegetsthesamecoffeeeveryday”becomes“Hisbloodisprobablyhalflattethesedays.”Statingtheopposite.Thisiswhenyouansweraquestionorstatementwiththeoppositeofthetruthinajokingandoftensarcasticmanner.“Whothehellwasthat?”“I’mguessingitwasn’tBradPitt.”“Wheredoesthisroadgoto?”“Mordor,Ithink.”Underplayingimpact.Thisissimilartoaeuphemism–itiswhenyouunderplaytheimpactordamagemadebysomethinginasarcasticmanner.Somemightrecognizethisasslightlypassive-aggressive,butthekeyhereistonotactuallycareabouttheimpactandsayitwithasmile.Thismakestheotherpersonknowthattheimpactisnotabigdeal,andthatyouactuallyarejoking.“I’msorryIdidn’tmeantohityou,areyouokay?”“Totallyreadytoruna5k,ifyouexcludemycrushedfootandleg.”“Ididn’tmeanforthate-mailtogetsentout!”“Don’tworry,itjustupsettheentiremanagementteam.”“SorryIdidn’twashthedishes.”“Noproblem,I’mtotallyreadyforinvasionoftheantsparttwo.”Emphasizetheoppositeofsomethingshared.Thisiswhereyoutakesomethingthatyousharewiththeotherperson,andtalkasiftheoppositeistrue.Ifit’saverycoldday,“I’mgoingtogotothebathroom,letmeknowifIcangetanyonesomeicewaterorjusticecubes.”Ifitisaverysunnyday,“Lookslikewewon’tbegettingtanstoday,guys.”Ifsomeonespillstheirdrink,“Andyoucanseewhythisplacehaswonawardsfor

cleanliness!”Literalobservation.Thisiswhenyoubreaksomethingthatyouhaveobserveddownintoverydescriptivecomponents.Onsomeone’sbutt:“Itlooksliketwopringleshugging.”Onamessykitchenaftercookingmeat:“Thislookslikewolveshavejustfed.”Onabodybuilder’sarms:“Thatbicepisliterallythesizeofmyhead.”Anunexpectedconclusion.Thisiswhenyouaretellingastorythatseemstoleadtoacertainconclusion,buttheconclusionyouactuallyuseiscompletelydifferentfromwhattheyexpect.“Imightnotseemygrandmaagainafterthis.”“Issheokay?”“She’sfine,Ijustdon’tlikeherverymuch.”“Ireallylovewalkingtothebeach.”“Youlikethewateralot?”“No,Ilikewatchingsurferswipeout.”“Ican’tbelievemydogisstillalive.”“Becauseheissoold?”“Morebecausehekeepsstealingmychocolate.”Sowhilesomeofthesemaybehitormissforyou,ormayrequiresomepractice,thesehumorpatternsandstructuresareliterallyscientificallyproventobefunny.Effectiveconversationisoftenbookendedbyhumor,andifyoucanmakesomeonesimplylaughandenjoythemselvesduringaconversation,theywillbethatmuchmorewillingtostickaroundandcontinueit.Noteveryonehastobethelifeoftheparty,butlaughterisincrediblydisarming.Itshouldbeaformidableweaponinyourarsenal,soembracethisandtakesometimetolearnthestructuresandpatternsIhavepresented.

ConclusionConversation–it’snotalwaysthestuffofKissinger,butIhopeit’sbeenmadeclearexactlyhowmuchinfluenceitcanhaveonyourdailylife.Withoutit,howarerelationshipsbuilt?Moreimportantly,howarehumansrelatabletoeachother?Conversationcaneasilybebrokendownintobaseelementsandcomponents,butitisnotuntilyoufitthemalltogetherthatyouwilltrulybeabletomasterthem.Thisofcoursemeansthatpracticeandapplicationisintegraltogainingtheconversationskillsthatyoudesire.Someofyoumayneedtostretchmy21dayplanin42oreven63days,andthat’sokay.Justmakesureyouareabletoreflectonwhereyoustarted,anditwillbeworthitalready.Sincerely,PatrickKingDatingandSocialSkillsCoachwww.PatrickKingConsulting.comP.S.Ifyouenjoyedthisbook,pleasedon’tbeshyanddropmealine,leaveareview,orboth!Ilovereadingfeedback,andreviewsarethelifebloodofKindlebooks,sotheyarealwayswelcomeandgreatlyappreciated.OtherbooksbyPatrickKinginclude:CHATTER:SmallTalk,Charisma,andHowtoTalktoAnyonehttp://www.amazon.com/dp/B00J5HH2Y6Magnetic:HowtoImpress,Connect,andInfluence

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00ON8WJKYSocialFluency:GenuineSocialHabitstoWorkaRoom,OwnaConversation,andbeInstantlyLikeable…EvenIntroverts!http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00PJBF6JK

CheatSheet1.MASTERCONVERSATION;RELATIONSHIPS.Becominggreatatconversationwillmakepeopletrustyou,openuptoyou,andultimatelyfeelsafetoyou–threeintegralelementsofstrongfriendshipsandrelationships.2.EVERYONELIKESAVERBALMIRROR.Reflectstatementsbacktowardspeopleandmakethemthefocusoftheconversationtoopenthemupandreachconversationdepth.3.ICEBREAKING,MELTINGGLACIERS,ANDSTARTINGACONVERSATION.Toeffectivelybreaktheicewithanyone,useicebreakersthatarerelatedtosomethingyoushareatthemoment,andthenleadtheconversationbacktothemandfocusonthem.4.COMMONQUESTIONSANDUNCOMMON,BETTERANSWERS.Predictthecommonquestionsyouwillbeaskedonadaytodaybasisandpreparebeforehandforinterestinganswersandmini-storiestojumpstartinteractions.5.EFFECTIVELISTENINGINTHREESTEPS.Trulyfocusonthespeaker,followupwithspecificandpointedquestions,andresisttheurgetostealtheirthunder.6.BUILDINGABULLETPROOFFIRSTIMPRESSION.Atrulyeffectivefirstimpressionisholisticandincludesyourvoice,bodylanguage,andhowyoucarrytheconversation’sfirstsixtyseconds.7.TELLSTORIESLIKEHOMERANDAESOPCOMBINED.Astoryisultimatelyanemotionalexperience,sobeyondfulfillingthemechanicalstorytellingcomponents,makesurethatthelistenerisinvestedandthattheemotionalpayloaddelivers.8.MAKINGSAFETOPICSINTOFAILSAFECONVERSATIONS.Mostofthetimeitdoesn’tmatterwhereyoustartaconversationfrom,aslongasyoucanguideitintoapersonalandmoreintimatespace.

9.AVOIDAWKWARDANDUNCOMFORTABLESILENCES.Conversationsilencesaretypicallycausedbythelackofaleaderintheconversation,sotakethatroleandtakeresponsibilitytopre-empteachsilencewithdeeporcallbackquestions.10.BODILYSPEAKING.Humancomunicationhasverylittletodowithwhatweactuallysay,andfarmoretodowithhowwedeliverthatmessagethroughourbodyandothernon-verbalsignals.11.SOCIALCUESSAYMORETHANYOURWORDS.Socialcuesarehowpeoplesaywhattheyreallywanttosay,withouthavingtosayit.Often,thedifferencebetweenrecognizingcertaincuesisthedifferencebetweenbeingextremelylikeableandthatpersonthateveryonewantstoavoid.12.EXITINGCONVERSATIONSWITHGRACE.Conversationstypicallyservethreepurposestopeople,andaslongasyougivepeoplethechancetofeelsomewhatfulfilledinoneofthepurposes,youshouldfeelfreetowalkaway.13.CONVERSATIONKILLERS.Conversationsaretypicallycutshortwhentheyaren’tgiventhechancetodevelop,oryoudon’tletthem.14.IT’SANINTROVERT’SPARTYTOO.Introvertsareallaboutconservingandusingtheirsocialbatterieswisely,sopassiveparticipationandspecificassumptionscanhelpthemrallyforwhentheyarespent.15.CONFRONTINGWITHOUTCONFRONTATION.Confrontationhastornmanyarelationshipandfriendshipapart,soitisimportanttofigureoutwaystodelivernegativemessageswithoutinflictinginsultorinjury.16.LISTENTOOPENTHEMUP.Listeningeffectivelycaninstantlytransportyouintoclosefriendterritory,andthemainbarriertothisisthefearofjudgmentandalackofsafespacetobevulnerable.17.DIGITALLYSPEAKING.Themainissuewithmostdigitalformsofcommunicationisthelackofclarity,soexaggerationandexplicitclarificationwillhelpyouavoidmisunderstandings.19.HUMOR101.Laughteristhebestsociallubricantthatdoesn’tinvolveillicitsubstances,sofocusingonafewpatternsthathumortypicallyfollowswillmakeyoumorelikeableandengaginginstantly.