communication, conflict and change
TRANSCRIPT
The 3 C’s of Positive Human Interaction:
Managing Communication, Conflict & Change
This Module was a originated by:
Molly B AmesCornell Cooperative Extension Farm Business Management Educator315-788-8450 Ext. [email protected]
Ruth MaltzNY FarmNet Personal [email protected]
Trish WestenbrookNYCAHM
The 3 C’s of Positive Human Interaction:
Learning Objectives:•Explore decision making and the role of communication and conflict in a family owned business•Discuss family business tensions and conflict resolution methods •Understand individual response to change
Length of Time Needed: •25 minutes with 5 minutes for activities are needed at a bare minimum. It is recommended to use an abbreviated version if you plan to later have more time to work on each of the sections about communication, conflict and change. •A long version with activities should be given 45 minutes with 15 minutes for activities.
AV Equipment:•Laptop•LCD Projector/Screen•Flipchart and markers
Presenter: Into Slide
Move quickly to introduce yourself and describe how many families lack the skills of communication which leads to conflict particularly when change is in the making
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The 3 C’s of Positive Human Interaction:
Managing Communication,
Conflict & Change
Molly B. Ames - [email protected]
Ruth A. Maltz - [email protected]
Northeast Center for Risk Management Education
Northeast Center for Risk Management Education
Presenter: DMAIC
While we use 3'C's in the Improve phase, obviously communication is critical in all phases. Change is required in this phase for obvious reasons. It is hard to improve by staying the same. Conflict often arises as a result of change
Define
define
Analyze
ImproveCombine alternative generation,
decision making and tactical planning
ControlDMAIC*
Approach
*adapted from Six Sigma
Measure
You are Here
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Presenter: Attributes of Farm Family Business
Farming involves: People we care about & our life’s work Involves how we live & how we work
Talk about the fact that in farm businesses we tend to be with the same people 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Our roles may change, but it is hard to move between those roles and learn to communicate effectively.Shared history cause us to know more about each other than typical co workers do
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Attributes of Farm Family Businesses
Dynamic integration of the:
Family Business
Living and working together
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Presenter: Good Communicator
Ask the group to list what they thinks makes someone a good communicator (listed below are some common skills a good communicator may have) and record their responses on the flipchart.
active listener friendly open, honest, Makes I statements (I think we should talk about
this…) Stay on one topic don’t bring up ancient history- Reminding people
of past problems does not focus on the problem at hand
chose calm time and place to talkQTIP- Quit Taking It Personally = a memory aid to
stay objective
You will follow up with this list on the next slide
This is the list that the audience will have in their notebooks the presenter slide is more abbreviated. Go over these in a little more detail
Start with an open mind Actively listen to viewpoints & feelings Verify what you think you heard Make “I statements” Starting with YOU (You always walk away when
there is a problem)-- Cuts communication because it sounds accusatory and puts the other person on the defensive
Keep to one topic Don’t talk when upset or rushed Don’t raise your voice Avoid ultimatums Avoid pitfalls (sarcasm, criticism, blame, name calling, and over
generalization) Remain objective QTIP (quit taking it personally) Listen & Understand others concerns Include all parties in the discussion Seek or create common ground Ask Questions- what is really going on? Respect individual differences
Presenter notes: Tools for Communication
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Tools for Communication
Be positive and respectful Active listening Be inclusive Seek common ground
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Presenter notes: Conflict Issues in Farm Family BusinessConflict can arise in Family farm businesses particularly because we expect everyone to have the same values, goals, and understand their roles when quite frequently it is unspoken and no one knows the “rules) Go over these items that cause conflict and why:
• Values/Personalities - what is important? This varies among family members and some habits of others can be annoying/frustrating
• goals- long & short term – Ideas for the future can be different
• Siblings and different generations in same family have different personalities- shy, assertive, aggressive, doormat, open, guarded, friendly, hostile, bossy
• what is each job? Who is responsible for what?
• Organization about who reports to who- do all family members rank above staff? What about in- laws, step children, etc
• Struggle between farm and family for resources -Does new tractor come before home repairs?
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Conflict Issues in Farm Family Business
Differences Personality/values/goals
Who is in Charge? Role clarity
Unequal ownership Purse strings/ management
Family and business compete for resources A new piece of equipment or a
home repair?
Talk about how our reaction to conflict is often influenced by our family & life experiences. So family members may share typical reactions to conflict. Read the slide and then talk about some things that can change such a reaction:
Avoid ultimatums- be assertive not aggressive
Anger, sarcasm, criticism & blame are control mechanisms and they interrupt communication & problem solving
Don’t bring up the past
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Presenter notes: Many Farms are Family Businesses
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Many Farms are Family Businesses
Conflict beliefs shaped by history
If they shout and insist things be done “Their way!”
The result looks like this:
Presenter notes: Many farm families are businesses continuedAsk “Have you ever walked into a room
and felt the chill between people who are fighting?”
Do you know people who, when angry, go for days with out speaking? “the silent treatment” Anger eats away at the person who
holds on to it. Try saying, “This really needs to be
done correctly, let’s review the steps.” Not “that’s the 5th time you’ve done it
wrong!” Holding onto anger and resentment is
a bit like burning down the house to get rid of the mice. It hurts us more than the mice.
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Many Farms are Family Businesses continued..
Conflict beliefs shaped by history
If they stop talking and withdraw in angry silence
The result looks like this:
Presenter notes: I to I
Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation-Behavior™
The FIRO model is helpful in understanding what is required for optimal success in a family business that needs to move forward with implementation of change as well as what might have gone wrong when team work and decision making breaks down.
We have simplified this model to make it less “academic” for public consumption, but to be informed it would be best to become familiar (See the FIRO resource material).
We have retitled this to I to I (Inclusion to Integration). Take some time explaining about each of these stages. Simplify what is given on the next couple of presenter slides.
The presenter notes are continued on the next presenter slide
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I to I: Phases in building interpersonal relationships
Inclusion Control Integration
Who is in and who is out
Influence and power exertion
Make a whole
from the sum of the
parts
Adapted from the Fundamental Interpersonal Relationship Orientation
Inclusion is about who is in and who is out of the decision making circle. Inclusion deals with structure, connectedness and shared meaning. There is an emotional interdependence that evolves when two or more decision makers share in the same decision. If there are differing perceptions of inclusion and therefore differing perceptions of role, there will likely be conflict. Feelings of unfairness come when individuals feel excluded from the circle. This may be unintentional and can be corrected or clarified by taking the time to gather everyone at the table for some open communication. It is important to be clear about who needs to be at the table. If an individuals’ input, labor, support, permission, or even just their cooperation is needed, they need to be at the table. If they are not, it will likely come back to haunt at some point.
Control – The interpersonal need to establish and maintain satisfactory relations with people in respect to power and control. This theory suggests there are different styles of control. Some of us tend toward a more dominating than a collaborative style of control. A collaborative style is generally considered more constructive in times of change or decision making. In a situation where there are competing needs, conflict often arises over control.
Finally integration is about individual and collective creativity used to solve problems and get things done. Integration is when a whole is made from the sum of the parts. It is when individuals all have a willingness to take a risk in an environment of trust, creativity, and openness.
Presenter materials continued on the next presenter slide:
Presenter Notes: I to I continued
Presenter notes: I to I continuedRegardless of the decision, certain fundamental realities dictate how individuals react to the decision making process. Every single one of us has experienced the knot in our stomach when we are presented with an ultimatum, or a “done-deal.” “We decided this is what you need to do.” This kind of decision making does not usually sit well. A decision that “we” never had the chance to have input on is not really “our” decision. It does not feel right. Even if it is the only logical decision given the circumstances, it does not feel good when those impacted have not had the chance to be included in the process.
When families get into a situation where they need to make a decision to change, conflict can arise that has nothing to do with the decision at hand but is more about the process and the dynamics driving it. If the family did not define who is in and who is out in such a way that the decision makers at the table now were included from the beginning, then conflict arises. If the control mechanisms, how influence and power is exerted, tend towards dominating and reactive versus collaborative, then conflict arises.
This conflict must be worked through before integration can occur and a decision can be made
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Presenter notes: Conflict
People pulling in opposite directions doesn’t have to equal hostility &/or fighting
Conflict is inevitable Conflict can be negative or positive
depending on how feelings are expressed
We tend to think that conflict is negative….
Things that increase negative conflict: name calling, over generalizing, thinking we are mind readers, bringing up ancient history
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Presenter notes: Benefits of Conflict
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Ask “What’s good about conflict?”Give audience a chance to think and
respond then go over what is beneficial as listed on the slide
Working through a conflict can give us a better perspective and open us up to new ideas
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Benefits of Conflict
Signal change is needed See problem in a new light Understand another person better Find new and better ways to do
things Improve a situation People learn & grow through
conflict Provide energy for change
Presenter notes: Downside of Conflict
“Just as there are 2 sides to every story, lets look at the negative side of conflict.”
When conflict is elevated it can leave us feeling Unrelenting stress and a feeling of lack
of control over your job results in illness Negative impact on morale (why bother
nothing will change) The stress/aggression takes us off track
and we end up not aiming for that compelling vision
This continues on the next slide
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Downside of Conflict continued
Prolonged conflict injures physical & mental health
Diverts time, money & energy from important goals
Can put individual interest over the organization
Presenter notes: Downside of Conflict continued
Family Members know each other’s Hot Buttons & How to Push Them then it just escalates. It can lead us to distort the truth to get people on our side. It keeps us from doing what we should. Then more distance is created and the old stuff starts resurfacing.
Intense conflict can result in lies & distortion
Recurrent conflict decreases productivity
Creates distance between people Brings up old history
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Downside of Conflict continued..
Intense conflict can result in lies & distortion
Recurrent conflict decreases productivity
Creates distance between people Brings up old history
Presenter notes – Family Business Case discussion
Patricia Frishkoff talked about Family or business focus,
This activity gets people involved in a case family situation and think about how conflict should be handled.
FamilyFamily Focus or BusinessBusiness Focus
Peace at any cost Impact on Business
Family first Employee expectations
Read the case to them or give them time to read it and ask them what the problem(s) are and how this should be dealt with. Point out how a small conflict can affect a business and keep growing.
This should take 2 or 3 minutes
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Family Dairy Business Case
Mom, Son and 2 daughters run the family business
Recently brother-in-law (BIL) started working as herdsman
BIL is increasingly difficult to work with: He acts like a “Know It All” He gets combative, bossy or defensive when
criticized He holds his position over the other employees.
“If he wasn’t part of the family he wouldn’t be working in this capacity.” Resigning employee said.
“I don’t want to hurt my family but, BIL’s refusal to listen has caused good employees to leave.” the sister’s said
1. Identify the problem(s)2. Steps to improve
Workshop
Activity
Presenter: Types of Negotiation
Now we are going to spend some time talking about how to be assertive without so much aggression to make conflict beneficial.
We will look at two forms of negotiation, competitive and mutual
Remember we have already talked about differences in values and personalities that motivate us.
Presenter notes continued on the next presenter slide
Conflict Resolution Basics
If feelings are strong, schedule a time to talk after a brief cooling off period.
Both people need time to focus on the situation without interruptions.
Set ground rules - Take turns (one talks- other listens) Stay on ONE TOPIC, Be respectful of each other.
4. Share information in the form of I see, I feel, I think, I want, I need
5. Negotiate creatively for a win-win strategy
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Presenter notes: Types of Negotiation
Competitive negotiation example: Two partners deciding what to plant this year One may pull rank and say “ I’ve more
experience” One may dig up the past /we lost $ on your
last ideaHow to negotiate the situation: “If you can’t
control the wind, Move the sails!”1. Divide field in half each plant what they want2. Agree to objective criteria – using a CCE
Educator3. Agree to find out what the current market is
Presenter notes continued on the next slide
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Competitive•Win – Lose•Competitive Negotiation•Demand & Claim All•Suspicious & Closed•Tug of War
Types of Negotiation
Mutual Gains
•Seek Win - Win•Agreements•Find Mutual Interests
•Trusting & Open•Cooperative
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Presenter notes: Types of NegotiationNegotiating Mutual Gains•Helps parties realize that they have common interests.•Look for Creative solutions- increased flexibility.•Interests Define the problem Look for compatible interests behind conflicting positions – ask Why?Example- Farmer needs to buy tractor in spring for planting NOW– funds are lowNeighbor’s price to sell tractor high – needs $ for son’s tuition in FallUnderstanding needs of each- Down payment now and gain use of tractor Big payment after harvest in time for neighbor to pay tuition •The most powerful interests are basic human needs•When talking about interests: Be specific but flexible; Acknowledge both sides interests• Look forward, not back
•Segue into Change as a part of life• Excerpted from GETTING TO YES by ROGER FISHER & WILLIAM URY
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Presenter notes: Change is a part of Life
We can approach change with a negative attitude and it let it occur to us. However, businesses can’t survive without change and if you view it negatively you will:
• View change as a loss • Delay decisions to put off the
inevitable• Respond reactively to things as
they happen• You will need luck just to
survive
This topic continues with another slide.
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Change is Part of Life
Businesses can’t survive without change
View change as a loss Delay decisions Respond reactively You need luck to
survive
For Sale by Owner
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Presenter notes: Change is a part of Life continued.
You can choose to approach change with a proactive attitude and see change as an opportunity.
How can you be proactive? (discuss some ways).
• Be open to new ways of doing things• There can by multiple ways that
work• Learn about technology & people.• What does the market want?• What is my competition?• Have International Market Laws
changed?
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Change is Part of Life continued..
View change as an opportunity Watch for new trends Respond proactively Business thrives
Presenter: Another look at change
Reactive or proactive responses to change are really not two separate responses to change but rather two ends of a continuum. People can have an overall orientation toward change that means that a person most often responds in a certain way. But it is also true that, depending upon the intensity of meaning a specific change has, a person could react differently than usual. For example, a person may usually respond to change in a fairly positive and proactive way. But, that same person could have a huge sense of loss if they lost a job or business that they felt frames who they are.
Presenter Note: Additional thoughts for tying change and segue to resilience
Change is everywhere today. Major change is occurring in almost every aspect of people's personal and work lives. That change is not just technological either. Change has affected how people interact with each other. It has affected the policies and regulations that guide their work. Many industries, including agriculture, have experienced structural changes that are now impacting how business is done. There are many value and ethical questions that these changes are creating. In the midst of all this change, many people are asking themselves, "What are we to do?" They often feel overwhelmed because they feel that what they always depended upon to be true, no longer is.
What is Resilience?
The ability to bounce back and try again when things don’t turn out as we’ve planned
Presenter: Resilience
Say that Maya Angelou said, “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, Change your attitude. Don’t complain.”
Now lead into the topic of resilience because “We increase our ability to overcome adversity by coping with life’s challenges”
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Building Resilience
We increase our ability to overcome adversity by
coping with life’s challenges
Presenter notes: Building Resilience
Talk about resilience by the following points and then refer to the slide and the things farmers do in their lives Our ability to cope, is based on an
interaction of nature & nurture. Our personality Our attitude toward life (negative or
positive) Our expectations of how things
should be impact our resilience What we think “should be”and “what
they are” can be very different
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Building Resilience continued
Farmer’s do superhuman things
Work 24/7
Meet tight deadlines(planting, harvest, breeding)
Cope with weather, diseases, & other uncertainties
Presenter notes: Building Resilience Continued
Like a vaccine prevents us from illness with a a micro dose of the disease … previous difficulties strengthen us
for the next situation We learn through our experiences
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Building Resilience continued..
Farmers’ experiences of coping with many crises help them:
develop a sense of personal mastery have a positive outlook have a social network of friends and family
Presenter notes: Ways to Increase Resiliency
We all need to make time to unwind Listen to music – try deep breathing Count to10 – imagine a soothing
scene Yoga- stretching exercise (bad
backs) Meditation – prayer You’re not superman! Learn to say NO! Eat a healthy diet
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Ways to Increase Resilience
1. Make time for yourself2. Develop calming method3. Recognize pros and cons of the job4. Settle for less than perfect5. Take care of yourself; set limits6. Cultivate a support network7. Explore options & be open to new
ideas
Presenter: Maintaining Resilience
Positive people develop the ability to view life as challenging, dynamic, and filled with opportunities. They appreciate the dangers and threats in change, but are not overwhelmed by them. They "compartmentalize" the stress caused by disruptions to prevent it from affecting other areas of their lives.
Focused people determine where they are headed and stick to that goal so that barriers along the way do not become insurmountable. Blocks or obstacles are given the appropriate attention.
When Do You Need a Mediator?
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• Large gap between positions•Too many issues • Power imbalance between parties.• Trouble finding common interests.• Need help to consider how the other sees the problem• Need help to find common ground.• Need ideas not previously considered
Presenter notes: Putting 3Cs to UseSuggest that families try some of these new skills in their businesses and families. They can start with family/business meetings.Regular family and business meetings improve morale and communication.Really get to know the people you work with (take a personality test)Roles should be discussed and the best candidate assigned to each task. There are no male or female jobs just skills matched with tasks
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Putting 3 Cs Skills to Use
At Family/business Meetings Create organization chart & job
descriptions Take a personality test (True
Colors, Personality IQ, etc) Design a compelling vision Use planning process to address
upcoming change proactively Share information openly &
respectfully
Resources
Fisher, R, Ury, W.,& Patton, B.( 1991) Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving in ( 2nd Ed.), Penguin Books, and Deetz, S.A., & Stevenson, S.L. (1986)
Heitler,Ph. D., S.M (1990). From Conflict to Resolution, W.W. Norton & Company
Covey, S. (1989) Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, NY: Simon & Schuster
Danes, Sharon M. (1999) Change: Loss, Opportunity and Resilience, University of Minnesota, FO-07421
Billikoph, G., Conflict Management Skills, UC Berkeley, URL http://www.cnr.berkeley.edu/ucce50/ag-labor/7labor/13.htm &http://www.cnr.berkeley.edu/ucce50/ag-labor/7labor/13.pdf
Hutt, G., Milligan, R., Kauffman., Claypoole,E,(1988) Managing For Success Work Group, Farm Management Resource Notebook, Pro Dairy & CCE
Managing Conflict, Purdue Univ., URL http://www2.ctic.purdue.edu/KYW/Brochures/ManangConflict.html
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