communication and body language

By : Moustafa El-hadidi – MIM

www.vita-ct.com

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Course Objectives Body language.

Basic idea about communication process.

Improving communication skills.

The Five Techniques To Master Communication.

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1.Body Language During our life we all use body language

all the time without knowing or realizing it.

Example : When a child has had enough to eat, he turns his head from side to side, to stop his parents from feeding him.

Example: “Shoulder Shrug” is something we do when we don’t know or understand what the person is talking about.

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Shoulder Shrug Gesture

1.1 Palm Gesture An open palm is associated with “truth”.

People use two basic palm positions:1-Palm facing upwards.2-Palm facing down.

Examples:

1-When a child is lying or counseling something his palms are hidden behind his back.

2-When a husband is concealing his whereabouts from his wife, he hides his palms in his pockets or in an arm folder position when explaining where he was.

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Palm facing upwards

One of the most irritating palm gestures one can use when speaking is “Pointed Finger”.

If you are a habitual finger pointer, try practicing the palm up and palm down position where it will create a more relaxed attitude and have more positive effect on other people.

Another huge mistake we make when arguing or having a conversation is waving our hands or waving it fanatically.

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Pointed Finger Gesture

1.1 Palm Gesture

1.2 Hand and Arm gestures We use all the time hand and arm gestures, to express our

feelings of happiness, frustration..etc

Hands Clenched Together Reflects :-Confidence.-Frustration.

This gesture has 3 main positions:1-Hands clenched in front of the face. 2-Hands resting on the desk. 3-Hands resting on lap or placed in front of the crotch when standing.

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Hands clenched in front of the face

Hands resting on the desk

Hands in front of the crotch

1.2 Hand and Arm gestures

Steeping hands: reflects positive / negative according to the circumstances.

This gesture has two versions :

1-The raised steeple : is normally taken when the steepler is giving his opinion or idea and is doing all the talk.

2-Lowerd steeple position: used when the steepler is listening rather than speaking.

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Raised Steeple lowered steeple


When the raised steeple position is used and the head is tilted back, the person is assumed to be arrogant.

The following is an example of how the steeple hands can be used in positive & negative way.

A salesman shows the buyer the solution to his problem, the sales man has been given a cue to close the sales, asks for the order and expect to get it.On the other hand if the steeple gesture is followed by a series of negative gestures such as arm folding, looking away, and the buyer takes the steeple position towards the closure of the presentation he may be confidant that eh will not buy or he can get rid of the salesman.

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Gripping Hands, Arms and Wrists: Shows confidence/superiority which allows the person to be relaxed .

That can be achieved by holding “palm-in-palm”.

That gesture should not be confused with the “hand-gripping-wrist” gesture which reflects frustration and an attempt to self-control.

The further the hand moves to the back the angrier the person is.

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holding palm-in-palm hand-gripping-wristhand-gripping-elbow


1.3 Hand-To-Face Gesture. The human face is the most part of the body that reflects our

feelings, emotions and can tell if we are lying or telling the truth.

There are many types of “Hand-To-Face” gestures such as :-The Mouth Guard.-Nose Touching.-The Eye Rub.-The Ear Rub.-The Neck Scratch.-The Collar Pull.

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When someone uses that gesture it dose not mean that he is lying, it also means that the person may be deceiving and further observation of his gestures is required and will confirm is he lying or deceiving.

We will now look at some “Hand-To-Face” gestures that we use almost all the time.1-The Mouth Guard : If a speaker is using this gesture it indicates that he is lying, and if someone is listing to a speaker and he uses the mouth guard than the listener is feeling that the speaker is lying.

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The Mouth Guard

1.3 Hand-To-Face Gesture.

2-Nose Touching: It is the same as the “Mouth Guard” gesture,where the speaker is lying and the listener is feeling the speakerlie.

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Nose Touching


3-The Ear Rub: The person rubs his ear from the back or rubbinghis ear loop, This indicates that the person has heard enoughand whish’s to speak.

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The Ear Rub


4-The Neck Scratch : In the case of the neck scratcher, The person scratches below the ear loop or the side of his neck.

It is a signal of doubt or uncertainty.

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The Neck Scratch


5-The Collar Pull: This gesture has two meanings:

A-Person is telling a lie and he is afraid that he got caught.

B-Person is angry or frustrated .

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The Collar Pull


1.4 Arm Barriers When a person folds his arms together

across his chest it’s merely an attempt to hide from an unfavorable situation.

There are many types of “Arm Barriers” but we will talk about a few that most men and women tend to use.

1-Arm Cross Gesture: The standard “Arm Cross” gesture is a universal gesture signifying defensive or negative attitude. Is commonly used when we are with strangers in public or the bus stop.

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Arm Cross Gesture

When having a face-to-face debit or argument or discussing point of view and the listener uses the arm cross gesture, its logical to assume that you have said something that he disagrees with and its pointless to continue your talk.

However you must try to think why did that person use that gesture and try to change the way you are debating or discussing your point so the other person can stop using the arm gesture and start listing to you once again.

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1.4 Arm Barriers

2-Reinforced Arm Cross: If the person has clenched his fists and then folds his arms across his chest this indicates that the person has become hostile and defensive, this is often followed by clenched teeth and the face starts to show anger sings.

-When this gesture is assumed caution is advised, person is filled with anger and rage. And a verbal or physical attack is highly possible.

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Reinforced Arm Cross

1.4 Arm Barriers

3-Partial Arm Cross:

-The partial arm cross gesture is commonly seen at meetings or gatherings where the person is a stranger, this shows lack of self-confidence.

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Partial Arm Cross

1.4 Arm Barriers

1.5 Leg Barriers

Same as the “Arm Barriers” there is also “Leg Barriers” that we tend to use when we are nervous, angry or even defensive. Lets take a look at some examples of “Leg Barriers”.

When in a meeting or a course you will notice that the people are standing far from each other with their legs crossed, This is common when people don’t know each other.

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Leg Barriers

When you look at another group you will notice that they are standing normal with arms open and at a close distance to each other.

Those group members know each other or have previously met each other.

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Group Members knowing each other.

1.5 Leg Barriers

When we stand with our arms crossed or legs crossed we are shutting out other people without knowing, because we assume a defensive pose which builds a wall between us and others which leads to less communication.

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Shutting our others

1.5 Leg Barriers

1.6 Other Popular Gestures and Actions

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Dominant Gesture

Dominant gesture and will try to take control of other people or make themselves the center of attention or keynote person when they are board with a conversation.

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Neutral Head Position

Neutral head position; this gesture a person will assume it in the beginning of a conversation, argument, debate.

It shows that the person is neither interested nor dislikes the conversation at hand and has not yet made his opinion about it.


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Interested position: the head is either tilted to the left or the right which shows that the person is interested in the current conversation or situation.

Interested Position


1.7 Eye Signals

As we all know that the eyes are the window to the soul.

We can tell allot from the “Eye Language” if the person is angry, sad, happy…etc

There are 2 type of eye contact that we use in our social life and in business life or during work.

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1-The Business Glaze :

-When we are having a discussion on a business level, Imagine that there a “triangle” on the other persons forehead.

-By keeping your glaze directed at this area, you create a serious atmosphere and the other person senses that you mean business.

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The Business Glaze

1.7 Eye Signals

2-The Social Glaze:

When the gaze drops below the other Person’s eye level, a social atmosphere Develops. In this case its between the eye and the mouth.

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The Social Glaze

1.7 Eye Signals

2.Communication

3111/07/2010

The past examples demonstrate “Communication Failure”.

The reason for the above mistakes or communication failure can be summarized to :

A-Something was not said that should have been said.

B-Something was assumed that should not have been assumed.

C-Something was unclear that should have been made clear.

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1.1 Recognize The Benefits Of Boosting Communication Skills.

1.1 Recognize The Benefits Of Boosting Communication Skills. Communication skills are the most important skill that we all

must have, not only dose it effect our working life, but also our social life.

Lets look at the below examples and see if we have heard them or even said them.

Example 1: I didn’t know that you wanted me to send the massages after the closure of the check-in counter.

Example 2: I didn’t know that I was the one to fill out the general declaration.

Example 3: I didn’t know that the shift time has changed.

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The consequences of “Communication Failure” can result in :

A-Loss of time.

B-Loss of money.

C-Loss of credibility.

D-Loss of trust.

E-Loss of a client.

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On the other hand, when there is no “Communication Failure” :

-People feel good & Motivated.

-People do their job well.

-People work together & You encourage teamwork.

-People save time.

-People assume responsibility.

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2.1 Communication Process

It is vital to understand what you are doing when you communicate. That way you can anticipate possible breakdowns. So lets look at the seven steps of communication.

Lets begin with referring to three terms: message; sender and receiver.

-The message is the idea.

-The sender is the person who is communicating the message.

-The receiver is the person reviving the message.

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Step 1: Have a message.Messages range from simple greetings like “Hello” to complex ones like feasibility studies or political speeches. Example of simple message might be you wanting ahmed to phone you.

Step 2: Communicate the message.You have decided what message you want to convey. Next you must decide the best way to send ahmed the message.

Step 3: Receiving & Responding to the message.Now that ahmed has received your message, he will then interoperate the message and decide to answer it or not.

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Have a message

Communicate the message.

Receiving & Respond

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2.3 Organizing your thoughts There are three main points that must be considered for the

message:

1-Establish the Context: The context must be established and informed to the listener(s).To help them prepare mentally for what you are about to talk or discuss.

2-Include only the essentials: You must only include the basic idea or the important points there is no need to add extra items or ideas that are out of the context or the subject of the meeting or discussion.

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3-Create a basic structure: The structure of anything must include:

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2.3 Organizing your thoughts

The Beginning

The Middle

The End

Lets take a look at the below meeting example and try to find out what went wrong in it.

Meeting Subject: Visa types.

While the speaker is explaining the types someone asks the following question,

-The other day on the check-in counter a passenger was using a

wheelchair and when I asked her if she needs help to go up the

steps of the aircraft she said No, would I place a comment on the

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system that she is a WCHR, the speaker answers her.

Then another question is asked, The other day a passenger

had 2 Kg extra weight and refused to pay, what should I do?

Another person will say something like: The other my colleague

gave a passenger the wrong boarding pass. And so on.

At the end of the 2 hour meeting not much was talked about the

visa types, instead other matters were discussed not related to the

visa types.

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2.4 Selecting Words, Actions and Images with care Choosing the right words can enhance your communication with

others, the following suggestions will help you within choosing the right words.

1-Avoide Qualifiers:

Qualifiers are little words and phrases like “sort of”, “kind of” or “rather”. We tend to use them when we can’t find the right word. We might find ourselves in a sticky situation and say that we have “sort of a problem” or “bit of a problem”. The audience might ask or think, “What sort of problem?” It might be a catastrophe, a mishap, a concern, a dilemma, or a disaster.

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2-Keep it Simple:

-Avoid sentences that go on for paragraphs; avoid paragraphs that

go on to pages and avoid using complex or unusual words when

simple or familiar ones will do.

-Keeping it simple also means avoiding jargons and technical

Language.

-If you are sure all members of the audience know the meaning of

the term or phrase or can translate what you are communicating. If

they don’t or cant, they will not understand your message.

-If you must use technical language, define your term if even one

member of your audience may not be able to follow.

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2.4 Selecting Words, Actions and Images with care

3-Be Consistent:

Consistency means using the same term again rather

than trying to come up with a synonym, Where

Consistency makes it easier to follow.

4-Be Specific:

Being specific means being precise.

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2.4 Selecting Words, Actions and Images with care

2.5 Seeking feedback: Negative and Positive. Feedback can be formal or informal.

After a major presentation or submitting a major study you can ask for formal feedback.

But much communication is short and informal, and written feedback may be disproportionately time-consuming.

Therefore, on a day-to-day basis you need to seek feedback less formally.

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Suggestions for getting informal feedback :

-Step 1, Listen:

What you want to know is :A-Whether or not your audience received the message.B-How people interpreted what you communicated.C-Why the audience did or did not understand what you communicated.

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2.5 Seeking feedback: Negative and Positive.

-Step 2, Concentrate:

You attempt to capture the essence of what is being said by

listening harder to the remaining part of the communication, or

you ask to have something repeated.

-Step 3, Ask Questions:

Asking questions is the most assertive way of getting the

information that you want. A question like, “What do you think of

the meeting?” may result only in a vague response: Ìt was fine'; Ìt

was comprehensive'; Ìt was persuasive'. Those are nice

compliments, of course, but you want to know specifically why it

was fine, comprehensive or persuasive. You want to know what you

did right.

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2.5 Seeking feedback: Negative and Positive.

2.6 How to make your point so what you say is what they hear. Allot of us deal with the issue that when we say something or

explain something they don’t do as we say, for Example in a meeting the manager informs the staff about the new strategies and what will be done to improve the work flow. Weeks later the manager notices that the problem is still there and non of the staff is doing or following that was spoken in the meeting.

The staff have suffered from confusion and misunderstanding.

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Common examples of what you say, and what they hear:

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What You Say What They Hear

We have an exciting new

opportunity.

We have a lot more work.

This new initiative focuses on our

quality efforts.

This new initiative focuses on blah,

blah,blah.

This is urgent; it is our top priority. Everything is urgent.

I need to see harder work, more

effort, and better results.

Forget all about your normal life,

you’ll are my slaves.

There will be some organizational

change

Start looking for another job.

There have been too many

mistakes; from now on we will use

zero tolerance policy.

Any one makes the smallest

mistake will be hung from the

ceiling.

2.6 How to make your point so what you say is what they hear.

When you speak to people you are not speaking to one mind, instead two minds:-The conscious mind.-The unconscious mind.

The conscious mind wants structure and order whereas the unconscious mind remembers feelings and subjective experiences.

the conscious mind has limited storage capacity, which explains why people can easily forget information especially when there is a lot of it.

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People have their own unique filters for interpreting what they

hear and supply what’s missing.

They filter what you say through colored lenses based on the past,

their personal history, preferences and many others. People also fill

in the blanks to suite their believes.

Let’s look at the following example so we can have a further

understanding.

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There was a well-liked farmer who was accused of stealing a pig from a rancher who was disliked by everyone. They went to court over the pig, and the jurors rendered the following verdict: “The farmer is not guilty, but he must return the pig.” The judge was perplexed by this verdict. He instructed the jurors to leave and not return until they had a verdict that made sense. The jurors left the room, and their loud voices could be heard down the hall. Shortly they returned and the judge asked, “Have you reached a new verdict?” “We have, your honor,” answered the foreman. “The farmer is not guilty, and he can keep the pig.”

The moral to the story is clear: People will find evidence or distort information and reality to fit their beliefs. Or said another way, meanings are in people, not in words.

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The table below which will help us in communicating with the two minds.

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Give the Conscious MindSTRUCTURE AND ORDER

Give the Unconscious Mind POSITIVE EXPERIENCES

Say what you want: Be clear and concise. Keep it simple and straightforward.

Focus on positive outcomes: State your outcome in positive language. Be specific.

Emphasize what is important: Highlight critical messages and key points. Focus on only one or two. Keep it bite-size.

Talk in positive language: Reinforce what you want (e.g., “improve productivity” versus “avoid inefficiency”).

Be specific about expectations: Clearly communicate what you want and include a “by when” time frame.

Create positive feelings: Express how you value the person and the relationship.

Why it works: When you provide order and structure for the conscious mind, people listen to what you are saying, rather than search for your agenda.

Why it works: When you provide an encouraging focus and leave people with positive feelings, it raises spirits and morale. People want to feel good.


Here also are some points that will help you when communicating with others:

-When Priorities Are Unclear: Speaking That Details.Example: “This needs to be done by Friday along with everything else.”

-Giving Others Responsibility: Speaking Accountably.Example: “This is a priority assignment. How and when can you accomplish this? Think about it and advise me early next week.

-Checking for Clarity: Speaking Accountably.Example: “Let’s pause for a second and see if we both agree on. .”

-Checking Assumptions: Speaking Accountably.Example: “I assumed that meant . . . Is this true for you?”

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3. The Five Techniques To Master Communication

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The following steps that when followed it will allow us to improve our communication process:

1-Manage your Ethos.

2-Speak to Motivate.

3-Frame.

4-Validate.

5-Add Color.

Lets now look at each one in more details.

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3. The Five Techniques To Master Communication

3.1 Manage your Ethos The Greek term “ethos” translates loosely into English as “ethics”.

However, in communication at work, it is the idea that the credibility of who you are persuades people.

Your ethos is your credibility. In addition to what you’ve done and the positions you’ve held, it’s what the people you work with believe you to be, and it changes.

For example at a company where everyone wears a uniform, the worker who walks around in jeans and sneakers may still be the best, and his dress adds to his ethos as a creative, But when that same worker begins to make mistakes, his appearance only increases the perception that he is sloppy.

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There are four simple techniques you can use your ethos to help you :

1-Discern your ethos with the people and in the environments you want to affect.

2- Figure out what your ethos needs to be if you are to achieve your goals.

3- Write a list of behaviors that demonstrate that ethos.

4- Practice those behaviors until they become natural.

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3.1 Manage your Ethos

Knowing your Ethos in simple steps:

1- Your culture: Culture has two elements: where you are from and what your organization expects. If you make a mistake in the basic cultural rules of the people with whom you are working, it can have a negative impact on your ethos.

2- How you think: Whether you are inductive or deductive matters. If the person or group with whom you’re speaking needs the details first (inductive), match that tendency. If the people you’re speaking to are like most executives (deductive), match that tendency. Matching the way other people think will make it easier for them to receive your message and have a positive impact on your ethos.

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3- How you listen and speak: Some people think out loud, while others think internally. Some people can’t help thinking out loud—it’s their nature. If you notice how much time someone pauses before responding to a question, you can tell whether he is an internal or an external thinker. Measure the silence. Internal thinkers need time to respond to an idea, while external thinkers speak right away.

4- Your expertise and knowledge: The areas where you are a specialist, where you have unique value, raise your ethos, but if you keep that knowledge to yourself or walk around bragging, your ethos is weakened.

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5- Your relationships: When people trust you, you can borrow their ethos. They will speak highly of you, introduce you to the right people, and support your work.

6- Your appearance: Every office in the world has an expected way of dressing. If you dress too well or too poorly, you will be judged. The key is to figure out what is usual for the culture. It’s not wrong to dress differently, but do so intentionally, knowing that it will affect your credibility.

7- The results you produce: When you produce, people have faith in your decisions. When you do what you say you’re going to do, people trust you.

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3.2 Speak to Motivate

Motivation is the method that leaders and managers use to maximize employee engagement. Not everyone is motivated by the same things, and the same person might even be motivated differently based on the topic.

Every human being is motivated “by” things and “for” things. We are motivated by ethos, emotion, or logic. We’re motivated for achievement, recognition, or power.

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The common questions that you must ask yourself are:

1-What are they motivated by? What pushes them? If they’re

motivated by ethos, the question is which authority asked for the

work to be done? If they’re motivated by emotion, it’s, is the

project exciting, dangerous, or urgent? Or if they’re motivated by

logic, it’s, is this the practical, reasonable, right thing to do?

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2-What are they motivated for? What pulls them? If they are

looking for achievement, they want an honest day’s pay for an

honest day’s work. If they’re looking for recognition, they want pats

on the back in front of the team. Or if they want power, they want

authority, control, and the ability to make decisions.

3-Speak to their motivation by crafting language that pushes and

pulls their drivers, not yours.

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3.3 Frame The best frames work because they keep your listeners focused

on the conversation you want to have right now or prepare them for the conversations you are going to have. The secret is to know what language will convey the message you intend so that your meaning is obvious and unforgettable.

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understand your

listeners’ attitudes

intentional word choice

your listeners

focused on your

message

The following are the techniques used for the Frame:

1-Identify the point.

2-Think about issues, ideas, or language that will distract the listener.

3-Choose vocabulary and imagery that will focus conversations and thinking.

4-Prepare the frames ahead of time.

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3.3 Frame

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3.4 Validate Validation is acknowledging that you have heard and

appreciated another person’s participation. If you’re leading or managing and you don’t validate, your teammates will disengage because they don’t feel that their contributions matter, and validation is rarely as simple, or as clichéd, as saying, “Good job.”

Validation is much more than a pat on the back. Whether you are talking with your bosses or with the people who work for you, they need to know that what they do matters.

Validation = affirming the other person’s value.

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Different kinds of validation:

1-Offering stock phrases: When you say something like

“Good job” or “Great question,” if your tone says the

same thing, it can be enough to value someone’s work.

2-Paraphrasing the message: Paraphrasing is evidence that

you heard the person’s words. Paraphrase not only the words

but also the tone.

3-Asking a meaningful question: Your interest in digging

deeper demonstrates that the person said something that has

enough merit that you want to know more.

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3.4 Validate

4-Telling a story about the person’s success: Check his

motivation. You may not want to tell the story in public, but

even in a one on-one meeting, mentioning his past

achievement affirms his work and clarifies what you want

him to do again and again.

5-Using body language: A head nod, a smile, or a wink can be

dangerous if it’s misinterpreted, but if it’s done well, it can be

all the other person needs in a meeting to let him know that

he is doing the right things.

6-Listening: We really mean it. If you can’t, won’t, or don’t listen,

the other kinds of validation don’t matter, and you should perhaps

begin exploring jobs where you’re not working with people.

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3.4 Validate

2.5 Add Color The science of speech communication has two physical

dimensions: voice and speech.

Voice is the sound that you are able to produce when air travels through your vocal chords.

Speech is what you do with your voice. There is not a lot you can do to change your voice: it takes an immense amount of specific exercise.

Adding color is about making the words you choose stand out and express what you mean more clearly. You have to choose how you’re going to emphasize a word or point.

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The easiest ways to add color are:

-Change the speed. Speak faster or slower to create

energy and allow your listeners to follow along.

-Change the volume. Speak louder or softer to gain their

attention.

-Change the stress. Lengthen or shorten a word to

emphasize its meaning.

-Change the inflection. Raise or lower your pitch to ask a question

or assert authority.

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2.5 Add Color

communication and body language

Education

steeple hands

palm gesture1

palm gesturean open

steeple gesture

arm gesturesgripping

irritating palm gestures

basic palm positions

raised steeple position