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Clark & addisonEpisodE 5 - “GonE in 60 sEConds”

A REUNION OF 20 SOMETHING CUB FANS ON THE CORNER OF CLARK AND ADDISON IN CHICAGO - IN A SMALL BAR NAMED WEAGHMAN’S PARK. THE CUBS ORIGINALLY PLAYED AT WEAGHMAN PARK IN CHICAGO BEFORE TRANSFERRING TO CUBS PARK IN 1919 - WHICH BECAME WRIGLEY FIELD IN 1926. NIGHTLY IN DEPTH DISCUSSIONS OF CUBS AND CHICAGO OCCUR AT WEAGHMAN’S PARK. WEAGHMAN’S PARK ONLY SERVES FOOD AND DRINK ORIGINATING FROM ABOVE THE WISCONSIN BORDER . . . SMALL NEIGHBORHOOD WRIGLEY FIELD BAR CALLED WEAGMAN’S PARK WITH ONLY WISCONSIN BEER AND SHEBOYGAN BRATS - A 20 SOMETHING HANGOUT. FOLLOW THE HISTORY OF THE CUBS, BEARS AND BULLS AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF JOSH, ELLIOT, SAM, KERI, MELANIE AND FRIENDS . . .

JOSHHEY WILL - HOW DO YOU THINK THE BEARS WILL FARE - THE BIG PUSH IN THE SECOND HALF OF THE SEASON IS HERE.

WILLI REALLY DONT’ KNOW. THEIR PERSONNEL VARY SO MUCH.

JOSHWELL LOTS OF TALK ABOUT GRIESE LEADING A 3 AND 5 TEAM INTO THE PLAYOFFS - WELL IT CAN BE DONE - EVERYONE JUST NEEDS TO STEP UP.

WILLI REALLY DON’T KNOW - THIS TEAM IS VERY HARD TO FIGURE OUT - I MEAN WE’VE GONE FROM THE #1 DEFENSE TO A SIEVE.

JOSHMANY OF THE GAMES LOOK LIKE FLAG FOOTBALL AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO.

WILLI’M STILL A BIG FAN AND WILL ROOT HARD FOR LOVIE AND THE TEAM - YA, MAYBE I SHOULD BE ON THE TEAM AND ALL THAT BUT I CAN’T CARRY GRUDGES FOREVER - I MEAN TO MAKE THE BEARS YOU HAVE TO BEAT OUT A MONEY GUY BY A TON - NOT EASY.

JOSHNO KIDDING - WITH BRIAN HITTING YOUR CHOPS EVERY SECOND HE CAN - HECK THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT HIM PLAYING MONSTER OR FREE SAFETY.

WILLTHEY’D HAVE TO CHANGE THE RULES IF URLACHER WAS A SAFETY - THEY COULDN’T BUILD A HOSPITAL LARGE ENOUGH IN ILLINOIS.

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JOSHYES, YOU’D HAVE TO WEAR ONE OF THOSE ANTI EXPLOSION UNIFORMS THEY WEAR IN IRAQ OF YOU CAUGHT A PASS ACROSS THE MIDDLE.

WILLMOST OF THE REPORTS THOUGH HAVE US STRUGGLING EVEN AGAINST THE RAIDERS - THOUGH THE RAIDERS ARE LOSING THEY COULD KILL US OUT THERE IN OAKLAND.

JOSHWELL WE’VE GOT KEY INJURIES WITH BROWN, HARRIS, VARDER, AND MCGOWAN OUT.

WILLWE SHOULD STILL BE ABLE TO TAKE THESE GUYS - ALL THEY HAVE IS A VERY GOOD FIELD GOAL KICKER - JANIKOWSKI.

JOSHYA - I REMEMBER WHEN DENVER FROZE JANIKOWSKI AT THE END OF A GAME ABOUT A MONTH AGO - AND HE MISSED AT THE BUZZER.

WILLWELL THEY RUN BETTER THAN WE DO - HECK BENSON IS ONLY AVERAGING 3.1 YARDS PER CARRY - A NAGURSKI TYPE BACK.

JOSHWELL - LOVIE HAD BETTER ABANDON HIS DECATUR STALEY TYPE OFFENSE AND GET WITH THE PROGRAM - OPENING IT UP A BIT FOR THESE GUYS TO DO SOMETHING.

WILLI FULLY AGREE - HECK THERE IS SOME GOOD BEAR BLOOD THERE AT COACHING WITH LUKE BUTKUS AS OFFENSIVE LINE ASSISTANT.

JOSHIS HE RELATED TO YOU KNOW WHOM ?

WILLYES - ABSOLUTELY - THAT’S WHY THEY GOT THIS GUY - SO HE’D COACH LIKE DICK BUTKUS PLAYED FOOTBALL - THE VERY BEST BEAR THERE EVER WAS, AND THE VERY BEST MIDDLE LINEBACKER THERE EVER WAS.

JOSHCOME ON WILL - DICK BUTKUS IS UP THERE - BUT HE WAS ONE OF MANY. I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THE VERY BEST.

WILLWELL BUTKUS AND RAY NITSCHKE RULED FOOTBALL FOR MANY YEARS ON DEFENSE AT THAT POSITION.

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JOSHYES I HEARD SOME ABOUT LUKE BUTKUS - BUT HE NEEDS TO STEP UP - LIKE GIVE CEDRIC A HOLE LARGER THAN AN INCH. I MEAN CEDRIC IS NOT THE MOST TALENTED FASTEST GUY YOU’LL EVER SEE - HE’S JUST NORTH SOUTH POWER.

WILLWELL LOVIE HAS INSTALLED THIS EAST COAST OFFENSE - MODIFIED NAGURSKI TACTICS. HOG THE BALL AND WIN 6 TO 3.

JOSHWELL THAT MAY WIN AGAINST SAY THE CANTON BULLDOGS - BUT NOT AGAINST ANYBODY IN OUR DIVISION THIS YEAR - I MEAN LOOK AT FAVRE, ADRIAN PETERSON, AND MARTZ’S BLITZKRIEG OFFENSE. WE DON’T STAND A CHANCE WITH THIS EAST COAST STUFF.

WILLWELL COACH LUKE HAS BEEN AROUND COLLEGE AND THE NFL - HE SHOULD BE TELLING LOVIE TO MIX IT UP - GET THE BALL TO DEVIN - HE’S ONLY LEADING THE LEAGUE IN PUNT RETURNS AT NEARLY 20 YARDS PER KICK.

JOSHLEAVING DEVIN ON THE BENCH MAKES NO SENSE - IT’S LIKE PLAYING GOLF WITHOUT A DRIVER. HE IS JUST LIGHTS OUT. GET HIM THE BALL LIKE THE SAINTS DO WITH REGGIE BUSH.

WILLWELL MAYBE LOVIE IS PLAYING FANTASY OR INTERNET FOOTBALL LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IS - MAYBE HE’S TRYING TO WIN THAT - WHO KNOWS.

JOSHALL I KNOW IS THERE ARE BUTKUS GENES ON THIS TEAM - EVEN IF WATERBOY - WE SHOULD WIN THE CENTRAL DIVISION. THE PACKERS ARE TOTALLY LUCKY. I MEAN FAVRE IS THE POSTER BOY OF THE NFL - THE TV CAMERAS ARE ON HIM AND HIS WIFE MORE THAN THE GAME. I GET SICK EVERY TIME HE’S ON TV.

WILLHEY - THERE IS A MONSTER GROUP COMING IN WITH WHITEWATER SWEATERS AND LETTER JACKETS - HOW SICK IS THAT. AND KERI IS COMING IN FOLLOWING THESE PEOPLE.

JOSHWE’LL TAKE BUSINESS ANY WAY WE CAN. THESE PEOPLE ARE ALL ABOUT NOTHING BUT BEER AND BRATS AND SOME ZUERCHER CHEESE.

WILLWELL IF THIS ONE CHEESEHEAD EATS ONE MORE LIPID MEAL HE’LL EXPLODE.

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KERIHEY JOSH - DOES WEAGHMAN’S PARK GO SO LOW AS TO HAVE WHITEWATER PEOPLE COME IN HERE ? WHAT’S’S GOING ON ? ARE YOU GUYS ADVERTISING NOW ?

JOSHI THINK THEY ALL COME FOR THE BEARS GAME AS THE PACKER TICKETS THIS YEAR ARE VERY HOT.

WILLHEY JOSH - THIS GUY OVER HERE WANTS A SPOTTED COW - DOES WEAGHMAN’S CARRY THAT ? ISN’T THAT FROM NEW GLARUS ?

JOSHWE THOUGHT ABOUT IT - BUT WE CAN’T CARRY EVERYTHING - WE EVEN HAVE REQUESTS FOR HUBER FROM MONROE - BUT AGAIN WE CAN’T CARRY EVERYTHING.

KERITHEY CAN FLAT OUT GO TO MONROE OR NEW GLARUS - WHEREVER THAT IS - IF THEY WANT THIS STUFF - I MEAN THEY HAVE NORTHWOODS LEINIES WITH ALL ITS DIFFERENT BRANDS AND THE RUSSIAN STOUT - WHAT ELSE DO THESE BORDER FOLKS WANT ? I MEAN THEY COME DOWN HERE TO DRINK THEIR BEER FROM UP THERE - AND THEN GO TO BEAR, CUB, AND BULL GAMES. DON’T THEY KNOW THE WAY TO MILWAUKEE ? I GUESS THEY DON’T SELL CARS WITH THE DIRECTIONS ON THE DASH UP THERE OR THESE BORDER PEOPLE CANNOT DO MAPQUEST.

JOSHCAN YOU BELIEVE IT - THIS GUY ORDERED 3 ZUERCHER CHEESE SANDWICHES ALL FOR HIMSELF - ONE COLBY - ONE AGED SWISS AND THE OTHER OLD BRICK. THEY’LL BE DOING CPR ON HIM IN THE MORNING.

KERIOK JOSH WHAT IS UP WITH THE PROTEST DOWNTOWN AGAINST THE BEARS OFFENSE ?

JOSHI FILED FOR A PERMIT ANYWHERE AROUND SOLDIER FIELD AND IT WAS REJECTED AS UNACCEPTABLE WITH NO EXPLANATION.

KERISO YOU’RE GOING TO COURT ?

JOSHYES I TALKED TO MY BOSS AND HE’S IN FAVOR OF TAKING THE CITY TO COURT AS THEY ARE CONTENT BASING THE PROTEST.

WILLWHAT IS THIS LEGAL JARGON STUFF ?

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JOSHWELL THE CITY CAN RESTRICT PERMITS FOR SPECIFIC NARROWLY TAILORED REASONS IF THEY SUBSERVE A SUBSTANTIAL STATE INTEREST, ARE NEUTRAL IN CONTENT, AND ALTERNATIVE METHODS OF PROTEST ARE AVAILABLE.

KERISO THEY MAY TELL YOU IN COURT THE CITY CAN BLOCK THIS BY SAYING IT WOULD TIE UP TRAFFIC OR YOU CAN TALK TO LOVIE OR IT’S IN THE GOVERNMENT’S BEST INTEREST NOT TO ROCK THE BOAT AND LET FLEETFOOT GRIESE RUN THE SHOW.

WILLDO YOU REALIZE JOSH YOU HAVE THE ENTIRE CITY OF CHICAGO AND THE STATE OF ILLINOIS RIDING ON THIS - WHAT MATTERS HEAR IS THAT MANY GUYS WILL HEAR IT FROM THEIR WIVES THAT THE SEASON IS OVER NOVEMBER FIRST EVERY YEAR UNLESS WE DEMAND AND GET AN OFFENSE.

KERIWE CANNOT PLAY EAST COAST OFFENSE ANY LONGER - THIS WILL GET LOVIE THE MESSAGE - MY GOD YOU’D THINK DALEY AND THESE GUYS DOWNTOWN WOULD WANT TO WIN SOME GAMES.

WILLTHE ANSWER MAYBE LUKE BUTKUS - HE WENT TO THE U. OF ILLINOIS - WHO KNOWS - MAYBE HE’S A PROTESTER.

KERIRIGHT WILL - THE ASSISTANT COACHES ARE GONNA JOIN US IN THE PROTEST. THAT WOULD BE NFL TREASON AND SEVERE CORPORAL PUNISHMENT WOULD ENSUE - LIKE THE DEATH SENTENCE.

JOSHWELL BUTKUS’S UNCLE DICK WAS NO ANGEL - MAYBE WE SHOULD AT LEAST GIVE HIM A CALL.

KERII WOULDN’T DO THAT BECAUSE THIS WILL TIP OFF THE BEARS AND THEY MIGHT BLOCK THIS WHOLE PROTEST THEMSELVES.

WILLJUST GO DOWN TO THE COURTHOUSE AND DEMAND A 1 HOUR TIME SLOT FOR THE PUBLIC UPRISING. WE’LL PLAN IT AND LET THE NETWORKS AND ESPN KNOW - MY GOD - THEY WOULD LOVE TO HAVE SOME OFFENSE OUT OF CHICAGO.

KERIIF THERE IS TIME WE MIGHT WANT TO SHOW SOME HIGHLIGHTS OF SOME REAL OFFENSES FROM THE PRESENT AND PAST TO DEMONSTRATE WHAT WE MEAN - LIKE AIR CORYELL FROM SAN DIEGO OR MARINO’S STUFF.

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JOSHWELL I HEARD WHO MY FIRST JUDGE WAS - AND HE WAS BEST FRIENDS WITH THE NAGURSKI FAMILY SO I ASKED FOR A RECUSE AS A CONFLICT OF INTEREST.

WILLWELL THAT JUDGE WOULD LOVE 3 YARDS AND A CLOUD OF DUST BETTER THAN WINS. MORE EAST COAST OFFENSE.

KERIYOU MAY WANT TO PHRASE THIS AS A PREVENT OFFENSE TO THE NEXT JUDGE - BECAUSE IF HE IS A GUY HE’LL UNDERSTAND - MOST GUYS HATE PREVENT DEFENSES.

JOSHNO - I’M GOING BACK TO THE DECATUR STALEYS WITH MY ARGUMENT - AS THEY ONLY RAN UP THE MIDDLE; AND TAKING IT THROUGH PAPA BEAR OFFENSES, AND THEN TO THIS YEAR SHOWING HOW CEDRIC IS JUST FLAT OUT BOTTLED UP IN THE MIDDLE - A SHERMAN TANK COULDN’T GET THROUGH THE LINE WITH THE PRESENT BEARS BLOCKING.

KERIREMEMBER THIS IS LUKE BUTKUS’S LINE - WE DON’T WANT TO LOSE THIS GUY - BECAUSE HE HAS GOOD DNA.

WILLJOSH, IS THAT BLOND BACK THERE THE GIRL FROM RACINE OR AM I DREAMING - SHE KEEPS LOOKING AT YOU.

JOSHMY GOSH - IT IS! SHE’S BACK BIG TIME - BUT I’M SO BUSY I CAN’T TALK TO HER.

KERISHE’S WITH SOME OF THOSE WHITEWATER PEOPLE - THEY ALL PROBABLY CAME ON A BUS SINCE NO ONE CAN FIND MILWAUKEE.

WILLSHOULD I HOLD HER AT BAY UNTIL YOU GET A CHANCE TO MAKE A MOVE ?

KERIIS SHE THE ONE WHO SAID SHE WAS GAY ?

JOSHYES, BUT REMEMBER YOU SAID KERI SHE DID THAT TO SEE HOW I WOULD RESPOND - TO SEE IF I WAS OPEN MINDED.

WILLYES KERI THAT IS A TEST. I KNEW SHE’D BE BACK. I JUST KNEW. JOSH HAS TOO MANY CREDENTIALS FOR HER TO TURN DOWN. HERE IS HER BIG

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CHANCE TO MOVE TO CHICAGO. YOU CAN BECOME A CITIZEN IF YOU ARE BORN HERE OR MARRY INTO THE CITY. SHE IS SNEAKY.

KERIWELL IT LOOKS AS IF IT IS THE 1 YEAR WHITEWATER REUNION FOR HER. YOU NEED TO MAKE A MOVE JOSH - AND DON’T DO SOMETHING STUPID - LIKE SAY DID YOU WATCH DANCING WITH THE STARS LAST WEEK. BE COOL AND SAY - ISN’T THAT ZUERCHER CHEESE UNBEATABLE ? BUT GOD SHE IS CUTE - I GUESS EVERY STATE HAS ONE CUTE GIRL AND THAT IS THE CHEESEHEAD’S MISS WISCONSIN RIGHT THERE.

JOSHI CAN’T GET AWAY AS THIS OTHER BORDER TABLE KEEPS POUNDING THE LEINIES.

WILLTHIS TABLE BACK HERE WANTS 12 ZUERCHER SANDWICHES - THEY SAY THEY NEVER DRINK ANYTHING BUT HUBER OR SPOTTED COW AND ARE ADJUSTING TO THE LEINIES.

KERIOH MY GOD JOSH MISS WISCONSIN IS LEAVING. CHASE HER. SHE IS UPSET. THIS WAS YOUR ONLY CHANCE.

WILLBOY THIS IS WEIRD - WHY WOULD SHE COME IN AND JUST GET UP AND LEAVE. I MEAN BERNIE’S IS NICE - BUT WEAGHMAN’S PARK HAS WHAT ALL THESE BORDER PEOPLE WANT.

KERIIT’S TOO LATE - SHE IS OBVIOUSLY PLAYING GAMES WITH YOU - AND WITH THE INTERNET PROBABLY KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU JOSH.

WILLMAYBE WE COULD ASK THE REMAINING FOLKS FROM WHITEWATER WHERE THEY ARE STAYING ?

JOSHOK WILL THAT WOULD BE COOL - GO TO THE HOTEL AND ASK THE MANAGER IF THEY COULD EVACUATE THE PLACE SO I COULD FIND MISS WISCONSIN.

WILLWELL YOU COULD PUT HIM ON A LOOKOUT MISSION. THESE GUYS KNOW EVERYTHING.

KERIGOOD GOD - SHE’S FLAT OUT GONE - POOF !

JOSHI’LL FIND HER SOMEHOW.

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KERIWELL IF YOU’RE GOING TO COURT TOMORROW ASK THE JUDGE FOR A SEARCH WARRANT BECAUSE SHE IS ACTUALLY SOLICITING YOU - THAT WOULD GET THE MANAGER TO AT LEAST REVEAL WHICH ROOMS THE WIHITEWATER TEAM OCCUPIES. AND IF YOU COULD FAKE A BOTCHED ROOM SERVICE - YOU MIGHT FIND HER - A ROMANTIC COMEDY TYPE APPROACH.

JOSHBAG IT YOU GUYS. SHE’S GONE.

KERINO JOSH SHE IS DOING HER HOMEWORK. SHE IS SPYING, FLIRTING, AND CONFIRMING YOUR BACKGROUND CHECK.

JOSHENOUGH - THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHERS OUT THERE - IN FACT I CAN’T AFFORD HER ANYWAY RIGHT NOW.

KERIONE THING IS FOR SURE - GIRLS LIKE IS TO BE CHASED - AND IF YOU DON’T SHE WILL LEAVE YOU - YOU MUST DO SOMETHING. CHIVALRY IS NEVER DEAD. SHE EXPECTS A CHASE.

WILLI’LL ASK THESE GUYS WHERE THE REUNION IS HEADING TO TONIGHT - AT LEAST THAT WILL GIVE US A CLUE.

JOSHI’M NOT GOING DOWN TO THE KNICKERBOCKER TONIGHT - NO WAY WILL !

WILLWELL IF YOU DON’T, I’M OFF DOWNTOWN.

KERIYOU GUYS ARE SO TACKY. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO JOSH IS TAKE THE L DOWNTOWN AND CHECK OUT THE KNICKERBOCKER - SHE’LL BE IN THE FRONT LOBBY WAITING FOR YOU. I KNOW. GET A BREAKFAST DATE. THAT IS COOL - AND DON’T TALK ABOUT DANCING WITH THE STARS.

WILLYOU’VE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE JOSH. SHE’LL PROBABLY BE THERE AND SHE’S WORTH CHASING - EVEN IF SHE IS FROM RACINE - I MEAN SOMEONE HAS TO BE FROM THERE.

KERIYOU CAN GET THE OWNER TO COVER YOU - JUST BE HONEST - HE WAS YOUNG ONCE AND YOU’VE BEEN SOLID. HE HAD HORMONES AT ONE TIME.

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WILLI’LL HELP OUT AT WEAGHMAN’S PARK IF I CAN FOR YOU.

JOSHWILL, I REALLY DON’T WANT YOU WORKING HERE. THIS IS MY GIG. WE WILL END UP NOT BEING FRIENDS AS WE’D ONLY GET TOO CLOSE IF WE WERE FELLOW EMPLOYEES - ALL SPECIES FIGHT IF TOO CLOSE.

KERIWELL CHECK WITH THE OWNER IN AN HOUR AS THIS WILL GIVE HER TIME TO FRESHEN UP BEFORE SHE COMES DOWN TO THE LOBBY AT THE KNICKERBOCKER.

JOSHOK, I’LL GO FOR IT IF MY OWNER ALLOWS IT - AND HE MAY NOT. HE’LL SAY GO AFTER HER TOMORROW AS I HAVE A BUSINESS TO RUN AND THERE IS NO FLIRTING WHILE ON THE JOB - AND THIS WOULD INTIMATE I WAS FLIRTING.

KERINO SHE WAS FLIRTING - BUT I’LL SEE HIS POINT. MAYBE WILL AND OR MYSELF SHOULD GO DOWN TO THE KNICKERBOCKER AND CHECK IT OUT - AND LET YOU KNOW IF SHE IS LOBBYING.

JOSHYA, THAT’S COOL. I CAN GET THERE IN ABOUT 25 MINUTES FROM HERE WITH THE L AND A CAB. WHY DON’T YOU GUYS HEAD OUT.

WILLOK KERI - LET’S GO CHECK IT OUT.

KERIWE’RE OUT OF HERE JOSH. HERE COMES ELLIOTT - MAYBE HE’LL HAVE SOME INSIGHT INTO THE RACINE GIRL.

WILLHOW WOULD ELLIOTTPER KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT GIRLS - HE’S HALF GAY.

KERIWILL SHUT UP - AT LEAST HE’S HONEST - HE’LL FIGURE IT OUT - JUST LET HIM BE - HE’S A GOOD GUY. DO YOU WANT TO DRIVE WILL OR SHOULD WE TAKE THE L OR A CAB ?

WILLTHERE’S THE L PULLING UP - LET’S HOP ON.

JOSHHEY ELLIOTT - HOW YA DOIN TONIGHT ?

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ELLIOTTNOT VERY GOOD. I’M SITUATIONALLY DEPRESSED AND MY DOCTOR WANTS ME ON SSRI DRUGS. THIS GUY BACK HERE WANTS A BRAT WITH EXTRA ONIONS JOSH.

JOSHWHAT IS THAT - SOUNDS INTENSE. SSRI DRUGS - I’VE SEEN THOSE ON TV. MAYBE THEY SHOULD ADVERTISE THOSE AT CUBS GAME AFTER OUR SWEEP.

ELLIOTTYES, IT WAS REALLY SICK SEEING THOSE ARIZONA PEOPLE WITH BROOMSTICKS IN THE FRONT ROW. HOW BAD IS THAT ?

JOSHWELL WE DIDN’T PLAY - I MEAN RAMIREZ WAS 0 FOR 12 OR SOMETHING, ALFONSO COULDN’T HIT A SLOW PITCH BALL IF THEY PUT IT ON A TEE BALL PLATFORM, AND OUR PITCHERS PLAYED AWFUL. BUT I STILL THINK LOU IS THE ANSWER.

ELLIOTTWELL THE SSRI DRUGS BLOCK THE REUPTAKE OF SEROTONIN AT THE BRAIN CELL SYNAPSE OR CONNECTION.

JOSHSO WHAT DOES THAT DO THEN ?

ELLIOTTIT MAKES YOU NOT BE DEPRESSED - AND FEEL GOOD WHEN YOU SHOULD BE DEPRESSED.

JOSHSO IF WE GAVE IT TO RAMIREZ AT THIRD HE’D THINK HE WAS 8 FOR 12 IN THE ARIZONA SERIES AND THE BROOMSTICKS WERE JUST WRIGLEY JANITORS ON THE EVENING SHIFT ?

ELLIOTTWELL KINDA. I MEAN WHO WANTS TO WALK AROUND SULKING - FEELING DOWN - OVERCAST SKY KINDA FEELING.

JOSHWAIT A SECOND ELLIOTTPER.

ELLIOTTOK - YOUR WEAGHMAN’S PARK CLUB CAN CALL ME ELLIOTT - I’M OK WITH IT NOW THAT I’M ON PAXIL. IT DOESN’T BOTHER ME THAT MUCH - EVEN THOUGH MY NAME IS ELLIOTT.

JOSH

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SETTLE DOWN ELLIOTTPER. I’M JUST ASKING ABOUT THE DRUGS - SINCE I’M REAL WEAK IN MEDICINE - REMEMBER I’M MBA/LAW - THAT IS ABOUT AS FAR AWAY FROM DRUGS AS YOU CAN GET.

ELLIOTTTHIS BORDER GUY OVER HERE SAYS HE’S ON IT ALSO. SAYS IT SAVED HIS LIFE.

JOSHWAIT A SECOND - ALL THESE SSRI DRUGS RUNNING AROUND - YOU GUYS MEAN PROZAC AND ALL THE OTHER DERIVATIVES ON THE MARKET - I HAVE SEEN THOSE DRUGS OUT THERE ON TV AND IN THE MOVIES AND IN THE TRIBUNE AND ON THE RADIO - EVEN ON THE INTERNET. IN FACT DATING SERVICES TRY TO MATCH YOU UP WITH SOMEONE ALSO ON THESE DRUGS.

ELLIOTTALL I CAN SAY IS THAT IT HELPS ME A TON. I COULDN’T COME IN HERE WITHOUT THE DRUG.

JOSHWAIT A SECOND - I KNOW THERE ARE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ON THESE DRUGS - BUT WHAT DID PEOPLE DO BEFORE THESE DRUGS ? COME ON DEAL WITH LIFE ELLIOTTPER.

ELLIOTTIT WAS A HOLOCAUST OF DEPRESSION.

JOSHSO WE’D HAVE BODIES LYING ON CLARK STREET WITHOUT THESE DRUGS TODAY - LIFE IS JUST THAT TOUGH - NO ONE CAN DEAL WITH LIFE.

ELLIOTTABSOLUTELY CORRECT. YOU TAKE YOUR JUNIOR HIGH BAND TO MUNCIE AND GET TOLD THAT THIS ISN’T JV COMPETITION BY THE JUDGES AND SEE HOW YOU FEEL.

JOSHYOU MEAN THEY WROTE THAT ON THE EVALUATION ?

ELLIOTTNO - ONE OF THE PARENTS OVERHEARD THE JUDGES TALKING AND IT GOT TO THE KIDS - IT WAS A LONG BUS RIDE HOME. I’M ABOUT READY TO QUIT - I FLUNKED AT THE SHAKESPEARE THEATER - EVEN AS AN UNDERSTUDY SECOND STRING GUY - AND NOW THIS. I NEED PAXIL.

JOSHWELL I DON’T THINK I NEED ANY. I’M FINE. I MEAN I HAVE DOWN DAYS. EVEN THE CUTE GIRL FROM RACINE WHO KEEPS APPARENTLY TEASING ME.

ELLIOTTOH YOU MEAN THE GAY ONE.

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JOSHNO SHE’S PROBABLY NOT GAY - WILL AND KERI THINK THAT SHE SAID THAT JUST TO SEE HOW I REACT - AND IF I’M COOL WITH IT THE GIRL THEN THINKS SHE’S GOT AN OPEN MINDED GUY - IT’S AN OLD NEWER TYPE OF TRICK TO EVALUATE A GUY.

ELLIOTTI DOUBT THAT - SHE IS PROBABLY GAY - NO ONE WALKS AROUND AND OPENLY ADMITS TO THIS TYPE OF THING - ESPECIALLY AROUND HERE WHERE IT’S SO CONSERVATIVE - BUT MAYBE THEY DO DOWN NEAR SOX PARK - WHERE EVERYTHING IS VERY DIFFERENT.

JOSHWELL I DON’T THINK THEY WILL EVER FIND THIS GIRL AT THE KNICKERBOCKER, I THINK THE GIRL IS GORGEOUS AND A NUT, AND I ALSO FEEL YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE ON THESE SSRI DRUGS SHOULD IMMEDIATELY GET OFF THEM.

ELLIOTTI’D DIE IMMEDIATELY - AND YOU HAVE TO TAPER DOWN OR SUFFER WITHDRAWAL.

JOSHTHIS IS ALL BS ELLIOTTPER. YOU ARE FAKING LIFE. WE ALL HAVE TO DEAL WITH BAD STUFF - LIKE ARAMIS BEING ON THE DL FOR A SORE LEFT KNEE IN THE EARLY PART OF THE SEASON. BLANCO HAVING A HERNIATED NECK DISC AND GOING TO THE MINORS FOR REHAB. THESE GUYS WOULD NEED SUPER DOSES OF SSRI DRUGS TO DEAL WITH THIS I SUPPOSE.

ELLIOTTIT’S NOT THAT SIMPLE. THE DOCS ARE SAYING THAT CERTAIN PEOPLE ARE MORE PRONE TO DEPRESSION - AND THEY NEED THE SSRI DRUGS TO KEEP PACE. I KNOW IT HAS HELPED ME - AGAIN I WOULDN’T BE HERE WITHOUT THE DRUGS - I GUARANTEE THIS.

JOSHHOW DID OUR PARENTS EVER GET THROUGH VIETNAM AND WATERGATE AND CHAPPAQUIDICK AND GOD KNOWS WHAT ALL.

ELLIOTTWELL THEY DIDN’T DO WELL WITH ANY OF THESE - IN EVERY INSTANCE PEOPLE DIED.

JOSHSO IF ALL THE SSRI USERS JUST LIKE QUIT TONIGHT - WE’D HAVE DEAD PEOPLE ON CLARK AND ADDISON AND IN FRONT OF WEAGHMAN’S PARK TOMORROW.

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ELLIOTTIT WOULDN’T HAPPEN AT ONCE = THEY WOULD SLOWLY ACCUMULATE - AND THEN IT WOULD BE TOO MUCH FOR THE CITY OF WRIGLEYVILLE TO HANDLE.

JOSHWELL ELLIOTTPER - HOW DO I KNOW I DON’T NEED THE SSRI DRUGS ?

ELLIOTTYOU OBVIOUSLY FLAT OUT DO NOT JOSH. YOU ARE TOO WELL ADJUSTED, HAVE THE BIG TIME DEGREES, AND WORK AT WEAGHMAN’S PARK. YOU KNOW EVERYBODY AND ARE SOCIALLY IN TUNE. YOUR FAMILY ISN’T HELICOPTERING OVER YOU. YOUR LIFE IS A COOL 20 SOMETHING.

JOSHI SO TOTALLY DISAGREE WITH YOU ELLIOTTPER. THAT JUDGE FROM MUNCIE WAS A TOTAL JERK - HE SHOULD HAVE NEVER HAD SAID THAT ABOUT YOUR BAND. AND SINCE HE DID - THAT SHOULD INSPIRE YOU AND YOUR BAND STUDENTS TO GO BACK THERE NEXT YEAR AND KICK BUTT. BLOW THE GYM, STUDIO, OR CONCERT HALL OR WHEREVER YOU GUYS PLAY TO LITTLE MOLECULES. SHOW THESE JUDGES YOUR BAND IS GREAT. YOU NEED TO MAN UP INSTEAD OF SEEING A PSYCHIATRIST AND IMBIBING THESE SSRI DRUGS.

ELLIOTTWELL I FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF NOW AND I FEEL IT’S THE DRUGS AND I PER MY READING HAVE AN INHERITED PREDISPOSITION TO CLINICAL DEPRESSION - I’M SHORT BRAIN SEROTONIN AND THE PAXIL MAKES UP FOR IT.

JOSHI NEED TO GET THIS BORDER GUY’S FAMILY OVER HERE SOME BRATS WITH MELTED ZUERCHER’S ON TOP OF IT - THIS IS THE ULTIMATE CHEESEHEAD MEAL.

ELLIOTTOK JOSH I’M ALSO NOT SEEING THE PSYCHIATRIST JUST FOR DEPRESSION. I’M ALSO HAVING.............

JOSHWAIT A SECOND ELLIOTT. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR SEXUALITY. THAT IS PRIVATE STUFF AND WHAT YOU HAVE IS FAR BEYOND ME. I’M SORRY YOU CAN’T FIGURE YOURSELF OUT - BUT I’D GO TO MOTHER KERI ON THIS ONE.

ELLIOTTBUT I.........

JOSH

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NO ELLIOTTPER - I DON’T WANT TO LISTEN TO THIS STUFF. YOU’VE ALREADY HALF CONVINCED ME THAT IF THE DRUG COMPANIES SHUT DOWN I’LL HAVE TO STUMBLE OVER BODIES ON CLARK STREET TO GET HOME. WE ARE TALKING BEARS TONIGHT AND MY ARGUMENT IN COURT IS TOMORROW MORNING. MY MOM IS CONCERNED THIS WILL DESTROY MY YOUNG CAREER.

ELLIOTTSO SHE IS HELICOPTERING AND HOVERING OVERHEAD.

JOSHNOT REALLY - SHE IS COOL AND TAKES IT IN STRIDE. I WAS INVOLVED IN A PROTEST AGAINST THE IRAQ WAR AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO - EVEN THOUGH I LIKED BUSH. I JUST DIDN’T SEE THE POINT OF INVADING A MIDDLE EASTERN COUNTRY AND ALL THE LATER IMPLICATIONS OF THE WAR. I HATED THE TORTURER SADAM THOUGH MUCH WORSE THAN ANY ONE I KNOW - I JUST FELT WE HAD OTHER WAYS TO CORRAL HIM.

ELLIOTTSO WE CAN TALK BEARS - I KNOW THE BEARS ARE TAKING ON A MUST WIN OAKLAND TEAM THIS WEEKEND AND I JUST DON’T SEE THEM WINNING.

JOSHNOT EVEN WITH LUKE BUTKUS AS COACH - I THINK WE’RE IN EVERY GAME WITH A NEPHEW OF MONSTER OF THE MIDWAY. LUKE HAS SOME OF DICK BUTKUS’S DNA.

ELLIOTTYES WITH ALL THAT WE SHOULD BE ROLLING UP YARDS FOR CEDRIC - BETTER THAN THE 3.1 AVERAGE. I MEAN THE OFFENSIVE LINE SHOULD HAVE A MONSTER PUSH VIRTUALLY EVERY PLAY.

JOSHTHE BORDER GUYS THINK 3 YARDS AND A CLOUD OF DUST HAS RETURNED TO CHICAGO - EXCEPT IT IS 3.1 YARDS. BUT WE STILL HAVE GRASS AND THEY NO LONGER CALL US THE DECATUR STALEYS.

ELLIOTTYES GORE WOULD REALLY APPROVE OF THE SOLDIER FIELD GRASS AND NOT HAVE THE USUAL FAKE GRASS LIKE ASTRO TURF OR TIRES UNDERNEATH SYNTHETIC NYLON.

JOSHWELL HOPEFULLY LOVIE WILL GET THE POINT REGARDING MORE OFFENSE - IF WE GET THE CHANCE TO PUBLICLY PROTEST THE BEARS OFFENSE.

ELLIOTTI THINK WE NEED MORE THAN LOVIE AND BUTKUS THOUGH. WE NEED MORE SPEED AND DEFENSE AND AERIAL ATTACK AND........WELL THE

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LIST GOES ON. WE ONLY HAVE LEAGUE BEST HESTER RETURNING KICKS WHEN WE’RE ABLE TO STOP SOMEONE. I AGREE WITH THE PROTEST - HECK MY PARENTS WOULD JOIN IN. BUT HONESTLY IT’S NOT JUST THE OFFENSE. AND THIS WON’T WRECK ANY BUSINESS OR LEGAL CAREER YOU HAVE ?

JOSHIN ESSENCE PINELLA PROTESTED THE WAY THE CUBS RAN THEIR ORGANIZATION AND DID WHAT HE COULD DO TO CORRECT IT. WE JUST WANT TO BE COMPETITIVE AND OFFENSIVELY I DON’T SEE THAT WITH THIS TEAM - EVEN WITH BUTKUS ON THE SIDELINES.

ELLIOTTHANG ON JOSH THIS GUY BACK THERE IS SIGNALING FOR ANOTHER RUSSIAN STOUT LEINIES. YOU’RE GOING THROUGH THAT STUFF LIKE WATER.

JOSHWELL THERE IS ANOTHER SHIPMENT FROM THE NORTHWOODS COMING TOMORROW. HOPEFULLY THE BEER TRUCK WON’T GET INTO AN ACCIDENT.

ELLIOTTBY THE WAY, WHAT IS WITH ALL THESE WHITEWATER JACKETS ANYWAY ? IS THIS A REUNION OF SORTS RIGHT HERE.

JOSHWELL THEY’RE ALL IN TOWN FOR THEATER, WEAGHMAN’S PARK, MICHIGAN AVENUE, GENOS - YOU KNOW THE WHOLE THING.

ELLIOTTIT JUST SEEMS ODD THAT EVERYONE HERE HAS A WHITEWATER SWEATER OR LETTER JACKET ON - I THOUGHT ALL THAT STUFF WENT OUT 30 YEARS AGO.

JOSHIT’S JUST MORE BUSINESS - THAT’S ALL. WE HAVEN’T EVEN BEGUN TO ADVERTISE MUCH AND THIS IS ALL WORD OF MOUTH - PEOPLE ON THE BORDER AND ABOVE COME DOWN HERE AND GO DOWNTOWN - BUT THE BUSES STOP HERE FIRST.

ELLIOTTSO ALL THESE FOLKS ARE STAYING AT THE KNICKERBOCKER - THEY DON’T LOOK LIKE KNICKERBOCKER CLIENTS.

JOSHWELL HECK IF THEY PAY THE KNICKERBOCKER BILL - THEY’RE KNICKERBOCKER CLIENTS. THAT IS MBA 101.

ELLIOTTI WONDER WHAT THEATER THEY’RE GOING TO ?

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JOSHTHE SHAKESPEARE - YES THESE CULTURED FOLKS ARE HEADING TO THE SHAKESPEARE THEATER TOMORROW NIGHT - WHERE YOU TRIED OUT AND FLUNKED.

ELLIOTTTHANKS JOSH - YOU WONDER WHY I TAKE PAXIL - THAT’S WHY - DO YOU THINK YOU COULD DEAL WITH STUDYING 3 MONTHS STRAIGHT ONE SOLO PART AND BE REWARDED WITH NOT EVEN A THIRD STRING POSITION. YOU’D BE OVERDOSING ON SSRI DRUGS - TRUST ME.

JOSHNO ELLIOTT, I WOULD PICK UP MY BOOTSTRAPS AND TRY OUT AT THE NEXT THEATER WHEN AN OPENING OCCURRED - MY GOD THERE ARE ONLY 30 THEATERS IN DOWNTOWN CHICAGO. ALL THE GREAT ACTORS FLUNKED MANY TRYOUTS. THEY DIDN’T USE THE SSRI DRUGS EITHER.

ELLIOTTHMMM...LET’S SEE JOSH - I GUESS THERE HAVEN’T BEEN ANY SUICIDES OR MUCH DRUG USE AMONGST THE ACTORS. WHAT ABOUT MARILYN MONROE, AUNTIE EM, FREDDIE PRINZE, ELLIOTT SMITH - MY GOD THE LIST GOES ON AND ON.

JOSHTHESE PEOPLE WERE ALL UNBALANCED FROM THE GET GO... AND BESIDES ON TV THE ADVERTISEMENTS SAY THAT SUICIDE RISK IS INCREASED WITH THESE DRUGS. AND MONROE DIDN’T COMMIT SUICIDE EITHER.

ELLIOTTWELL HOW DID THE GLAMOUR GIRL DIE THEN ?

JOSHSHE OBTAINED ORAL BARBITURATES FROM HER INTERNIST AFTER A STRESSFUL DAY - HOWEVER SHE WAS TOLERANT AND CALLED HER PSYCHIATRIST WHO ORDERED A BARBITURATE ENEMA - WHICH DID HER IN - THE PSYCHIATRIST NOT KNOWING SHE HAD JUST TAKEN A TON OF ORAL BARBS. HER AUTOPSY SHOWED BARBITURATE INTOXICATION ON THE DEATH CERTIFICATE AND THERE WERE WAS NOTHING IN HER GI TRACT BUT SHE HAD RECTAL TEARS FROM THE ENEMA.

ELLIOTTMY GOD YOU STUDIED THAT AT THE U. OF CHICAGO ?

JOSHOH WE HAD A PROFESSOR WHO TOLD US ALL KINDS OF TRIVIA STUFF ABOUT FAMOUS PEOPLE. I’LL ADMIT THIS WHOLE THING ABOUT MONROE IS PRETTY SICK.

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ELLIOTTI ONLY KNOW A LITTLE SPORTS TRIVIA AND THAT’S IT.

JOSHLAY ONE ON ME BECAUSE WE’RE GONNA CLOSE UP SHORTLY.

ELLIOTTWHO HOLDS THE US HIGH SCHOOL RECORD FOR KICKOFF RETURNS IN ONE GAME ?

JOSHI DON’T KNOW - I’LL GUESS JOHNNY MORRIS.

ELLIOTTWRONG - IT’S ROGER MARIS - 6 IN ONE GAME IN NORTH DAKOTA 6 MAN FOOTBALL. LOU WOULD’VE LOVED TO HAVE A GUY LIKE THAT PLAYING. HE WAS A REAL STAR.

JOSHWELL ELLIOTTPER, YOU GOT ME ON THAT ONE AND I’VE GOT YOU ON THIS ONE - WE’RE CLOSING AND YOU’RE OUTTA HERE.

End - EpisodE 5, Clark and addison