Church OfficersRector: The Revd Derek A Baines – Tel: 01772 641521; E-mail: baines5253@btinternet.comChurchwardensMr Eric Barker OBE JP – Tel: 614385; E-mail: BARKER21@aol.comMr Robert Hawthornthwaite – Tel: 612952PCC SecretaryMrs Andrea Susnik – Tel: 615336; E-mail: andrea.susnik@dwp.gsi.gov.ukPCC TreasurerMrs Barbara Wood – Tel: 617679: E-mail: bw12252@sky.comDeanery Synod RepresentativesMrs Avril Wright, Mrs Jane ElphickStewardship Recorder/Gift Aid SecretaryMr Philip Norton – Tel: 07970 798345; E-mail: filnorton@hotmail.comMagazine SecretaryMrs Elsie Kirkham – Tel: 615832.Flower SecretariesMrs Althea Slater – Tel: 614966, and Mrs E Wignall – Tel: 615675Electoral Roll SecretaryMrs Julie Tanham – Tel: 612992Verger: Mrs Irene Pickles – Tel: 615708 Assistant Verger: Mr Stuart Tighe – Tel: 612963Weekly Giving Envelopes: Please contact the Churchwardens.

OrganisationsSunday School – meets 10.15 in School, first three Sundays of the month.Leader: Mrs Kathleen Leigh – Tel: 612196.Hoole Church Ladies’ Group – meets 7.30pm, 3rd Tuesday, in School.Leader: Mrs Erika Penrose – Tel 613816; E-mail: jandepenrose@btinternet.comSt Michael’s Men’s Fellowship – meets 7.30pm, 2nd Tuesday, in School.Secretary: Mr Ted Hopkins – Tel: 617002.Friends of St. Michael’s – Caring for the fabric of our ancient churchChairman: Mr Eric Barker – Tel 614385. Secretary: Mr David Turner – Tel 617485.Social Committee – Contact: Sheila Taylor, Tel: 616850Hoole St Michael C E Primary SchoolHead Teacher: Mrs Jo Duckworth – Tel: 613219.1st St. Michael’s Hoole Scout and Guide Groups – Group Scout Leader: Mandy Clark – Tel: 617761; E-mail:gmjbclark@yahoo.co.uk.Church Web Sites: www.hoolevillage.com and www.hooleparishchurch.com

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The Rector’s Ramblings Alleluia; Christ is risen! – He is risen indeed; Alleluia!The joyful shout has gone up – we are saved, our sins are

forgiven and life is now full of purpose.Of course it is but we still have to work at it!

Sins are forgiven but we have to seek forgiveness from the person(s) that we have wronged and we then have to confess these sins to God really meaning it when we say ‘sorry’.

The joy of the Easter Day story then becomes meaningful and like the dead and dry seeds we begin to grow as we receive the nourishment that comes from Jesus.

We have just completed the Confirmation course and looked in detail at the sacraments. The children enjoyed dressing up in clerical clothes but more importantly they were in awe of the symbolism of the Eucharistic prayer, an emotion that we have all had at some point in our Christian lives that perhaps we should try and recognise on a regular basis.

Our Christian journey continues with Christ’s Ascension to Heaven and later the descent of the Holy Spirit onto the Disciples-become-Apostles at Pentecost. The journey, like all other journeys is not taken lightly; when we go to the shops we make sure that we have a bag; when we travel a distance we ensure that we have enough cash for our tickets or enough fuel in the car;

our holidays never see us leave without a suitcase & a guide book. And so it is as we follow Christ.

Those Pentecost flames sit with us. We are given, through our faith, the strength to learn, absorb and share the message of love that is Christ’s to give and he expects us to share it. Later in the year we will be holding a Stewardship campaign that will need the help of all of you at some point as we share God’s ministry and recognise the talents within the parish alongside the great need to look at our sacrificial giving of time and money to ensure that the church continues to be a place of worship as we use our energies as Apostles to bring others to Christ and try to ‘live’ the Gospel and its truths. Not easy – but that is why we pray “Come Holy Spirit and

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fill the hearts of your faithful people, kindle in us the fire of your love.”

As the church year moves on towards ordinary time we seek that strength continually as individuals and as church seeking forgiveness for past wrongs and looking forward as we set our mission parameters. Jesus loves us all and we have to repay that love by being the people that he wants us to be.

Of course that does mean looking outwards and breaching the parish boundaries as we recognise our place within the Church of England and I shall be discussing with you the report “Shape of things to come” and the response from parishes to the initial consultation which has led to the production of a leaflet “Reshaping Ministry for Mission” which works in the former report with the Diocesan ‘Going for Growth’ programme. We have a lot to do over the next 5 years to enhance our mission and to ensure that we play our part, filled with the Spirit, in the mission of the whole church and to share our talents and vocations with other parishes.

In Cursillo we use an ancient Spanish word, derived from Latin, which means ‘persevere’ or ‘onward’ and that is “Ultreya”. So when you hear any Cursillistas say this word it is an encouragement – a reminder that God is always with us whatever we take on; so this year perhaps ‘Onward’ should be our motto as we strive to enhance God’s kingdom here in the villages.Your brother pilgrim,Derek

Looking back, with a glance forward!

During April we have had the period of quiet excitement (if there is such a thing) after the celebrations of Easter – Didn’t the flowers look fantastic!

The Annual Parochial Church Council meeting had a disappointing turnout – very few non-PCC members in attendance. Perhaps next year we may look at a different day & time to encourage views from all.

Margaret & Kathleen enjoyed a fun filled and spiritual weekend at Whalley Abbey at the Cursillo weekend – the 57th such in Blackburn Diocese (Sharon & I attended no 7!). Ask them about

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it - no secrets we just don’t reveal all of the fun – don’t want to spoil surprises. The next weekend is in October but before that you are welcome to join us in our regular group reunions which we will be setting up shortly.

4 of our 5 children plus one adult and two children from New Longton All Saints were confirmed by Bishop John. Our fifth candidate will be confirmed at Leyland St John during June. This was a joyful event with, once again, superb refreshments in the school. I have always said that St Michael’s knows how to party, Thank you to all of you who supported this and worked so hard in the background.

We will have held our first get together of the study group to determine what we will study.

The trip to the National Arboretum will have taken place followed by the concert to celebrate the launch of the foodbank in Penwortham – thanks have come from Churches Together in Penwortham for your continuing support.

May sees the beginning of the nations ‘church fayre’ season and we are no exception with the United Churches Garden Party and on the same evening the Men’s Fellowship Race Night, also in Walmer Bridge. So let’s dig deep and support both of these events.

The Parish Amble is planned for 22nd May with a gentle walk followed by a meal.

Sharon & I are preparing for our trip to Uganda for the consecration of St Michael & All Angels, Okorom Tididiek. By the time this magazine is printed Stan will be well on his way to making a wooden cross for the church using some of the 19th Century wood that was removed when the chancel was renovated. I have checked with Elizabeth on import rules and the only thing we need is to make it Termite proof!

We will be visiting the school, the AIDS Centre, the Hospital, the Church, possibly a Diocesan clergy meeting and we will be asked to preach (a minimum ½ hour each time so watch out when we get back!!) plus other visits and activity. I am sure that between now and August there will be other suggestions for gifts to the church and I will be putting a couple of my own to the PCC in May.Derek

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Pilgrimage to the Holy Land September 2014

Derek & Sharon have arranged a pilgrimage to the Holy Land, with McCabe Pilgrimages, departing from Manchester Airport on Monday 1st September and returning on Thursday 11th September 2014.We will stay for six nights in Jerusalem at the Golden Walls Hotel and then move to Tiberius where we stay for four nights at the Ron Beach Hotel on the banks of the Sea of Galilee.This is an opportunity to see the places that Jesus knew, where he ministered and of course where his passion and resurrection occurred. We will also visit a couple of the McCabe Education Trust sponsored homes or schools.

During our visits to the holy sites we will have Communion services at one or two notable places such as at the lakeside in Galilee. The Pilgrimage is to be led by Derek & Sharon and the invitation will be to members of St Michael’s & St Leonard’s parishioners in the first instance.

We have received the draft itinerary and once we have agreed the final details with McCabe Pilgrimages we will hold an information evening either at St Leonard’s church hall or St Michael’s

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school depending on availability. We will offer 12 places to each church on a first come first served basis.

The cost of the Pilgrimage will be approx. £1,800 full board with gratuities. There are options available at extra cost which will be outlined on the evening’s presentation. Booking forms and full instructions for booking will be available at the information evening.Derek & Sharon

May 9: Ascension Day - 40 Days with the Risen Christ 40 days after Easter comes Ascension Day. It may seem

crazy to call it Eastertide when Easter is clearly over! - but these are the 40 days during which the Risen Christ appeared again and again to his disciples, following his death and resurrection.

The Gospels give us little of Christ’s teachings and deeds during those 40 days. Jesus was seen by numerous disciples: on the road to Emmaus, by the Sea of Galilee, in houses, etc. He strengthened and encouraged his disciples, and at last opened their eyes to all that the Scriptures had promised about the Messiah. Jesus also told them that as the Father had sent him, he was now going to send them – to all corners of the earth, as his witnesses.Here are some of the stories from the Gospel of St John –

The Empty TombEarly on the first day of the week, while it was still dark,

Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance. So she came running to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one Jesus loved, and said, “They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don’t know where they have put him!”

So Peter and the other disciple started for the tomb. 4 Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first.  He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in.  Then Simon Peter came along behind him

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and went straight into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, as well as the cloth that had been wrapped around Jesus’ head. The cloth was still lying in its place, separate from the linen. Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed. (They still did not understand from Scripture that Jesus had to rise from the dead.)  Then the disciples went back to where they were staying.

Jesus Appears to Mary Magdalene  Now Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus’ body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.

They asked her, “Woman, why are you crying?”“They have taken my Lord away,” she said, “and I don’t

know where they have put him.”  At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.

He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”

Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.” Jesus said to her, “Mary.”

She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means “Teacher”).  Jesus said, “Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet ascended to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’”

Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: “I have seen the Lord!” And she told them that he had said these things to her.

Jesus Appears to His DisciplesOn the evening of that first day of the week, when the

disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jewish leaders, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be

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with you!” After he said this, he showed them his hands and side. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord.Again Jesus said, “Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you.” 22 And with that he breathed on them and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone’s sins, their sins are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.”

Jesus Appears to ThomasNow Thomas (also known as Didymus), one of the Twelve,

was not with the disciples when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!”

But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”

A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”

Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!”Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you

have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

May 19: Pentecost/Whit Sunday – the birthday of the Church

Pentecost took place on the well-established Jewish festival of Firstfruits, which was observed at the beginning of the wheat harvest. It was exactly 50 days after the Passover, the time of Jesus’ crucifixion.

A feast day to celebrate the country’s wheat harvest does not sound exactly world-changing, but that year, it became one of the most important days in world history. For Pentecost was the day that Jesus sent the Holy Spirit - the day the Church was born.Jesus had told his apostles that something big was going to happen, and that they were to wait for it in Jerusalem, instead of returning to Galilee. Jesus had plans for his apostles – but he knew they could not do the work themselves; they would need his help.

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And so the apostles and disciples waited in Jerusalem, praying together for several days. And then on that fateful morning there was suddenly the sound as of a mighty rushing wind. Tongues of flame flickered on their heads, and they began to praise God in many tongues – to the astonishment of those who heard them. The curse of Babel (Genesis 11: 1- 9) was dramatically reversed that morning.

That morning the Holy Spirit came to indwell the apostles and disciples of Jesus: and the Church was born. The Christians were suddenly full of life and power, utterly different from their former fearful selves. The change in them was permanent.Peter gave the first ever sermon of the Christian church that morning: proclaiming Jesus was the Messiah. His boldness in the face of possible death was in marked contrast to the man who had denied Jesus 50 days before. And 3,000 people responded, were converted, and were baptised. How’s that for fast church growth!Of course Pentecost was not the first time the Holy Spirit had acted in this world. All through the Old Testament there are accounts of how God’s Spirit guided people and strengthened them. But now, because of Christ’s death and resurrection, he could INDWELL them. From now on, every Christian could have the confidence that Jesus was with them constantly, through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.

Services for May:5th May – 6th of Easter9.00 BCP Holy Communion10.30 CW Holy Communion3.00 BCP Evening Prayer4.00 Holy Communion (Old Mill Court) 12th May – 7th of Easter9.00 BCP Holy Communion10.30 Morning Prayer 19th May – Pentecost9.00 BCP Holy Communion10.30 CW Holy Communion3.00 BCP Evening Prayer

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26th May – Trinity Sunday9.00 BCP Holy Communion The Reverend Nick Procter10.30 FAMILY PRAISE The Reverend Nick Procter

No Evening prayer Monday or Communion on Thursday

2nd June – 1st after Trinity9.00 BCP Holy Communion The Reverend Nick Procter10.30 CW Holy Communion The Reverend Nick Procter3.00 BCP Evening Prayer The Reverend Nick Procter4.00 Holy Communion (OMC) The Reverend Nick Procter

No Evening prayer Monday or Communion on Thursday

Sundays 9th and 26th June will see a Baptism during the 10.30 service as we welcome two of our children into the family of Christ.

Please Note:Sunday 16th June the 10.30 service will be a joint service with the Methodist Community at St Michael’s; The Reverend Derek Baines will lead and preach. The Reverend Mark Slaney will celebrate the Holy Communion.

Mid-week services – 7.00 Monday: Evening Prayer and 10.15 Thursday: Holy Communion will continue through May unless advertised otherwise.

Parish Study GroupThere is still room to join our study group. By the time you

receive this magazine we will have met to determine what we wish

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to study and the frequency and venue for our meetings. If you are interested please see Derek for further details.

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SAINT OF THE MONTH (May 14): St Matthias If you’re saying to yourself, ‘Who?’ you’ll be in

good company. May 14th is the feast day of St Matthias the Apostle, and in describing him thus we have said just about all there is to know about him. He gets just one mention in the Bible, in the first chapter of Acts, immediately prior to the day of Pentecost, where it tells us that he was elected to take the place in the ranks of the twelve apostles recently vacated by the betrayer Judas Iscariot.

Eusebius, in the fourth century, says in his history of the apostolic era that Matthias was one of the seventy disciples sent out by Jesus (Luke 10:1), and that seems reasonable. When it was necessary to fill the vacancy among the apostles it would be natural to turn to someone who had followed Jesus from earlier years, as well as being a witness of the resurrection. Two names were suggested and prayed over. Then the apostles cast lots, following the Old Testament practice of the high priests Urim and Thummim, one assumes. When they did, ‘the lot fell on Matthias’.

Casting lots to fill vacancies on committees or councils, or even, I suppose, to appoint bishops, would seem to us a bizarre and risky practice, and it may be, as the great Victorian preacher Campbell Morgan suggested, that the eleven acted in haste and pre-empted God’s choice of Saul (later known as Paul), who at that time was busy persecuting the Church, arresting Christians and having them thrown into prison. He hadn’t yet travelled the Damascus Road.

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Be that as it may, Matthias was elected, and for us he can stand for all those excellent, consistent, reliable and faithful servants of Christ who never make a headline, not even in the parish magazine. He was chosen because he could be a ‘witness’, and so are we. Doubtless he fulfilled that responsibility admirably, without, as we say, ‘setting the Thames on fire’. Let’s salute him on his day - the ‘Unknown Apostle’.

Prayer intentions

Prayer for Pentecost Loving, generous Father, In your love you gave us Jesus – sent him out to bring us back to you. And when he had completed his work, by dying on the cross, rising again, and coming back to you, you hadn’t stopped giving. You gave us your Holy Spirit. You sent him at Pentecost and you send him today. Thank you Father.Fill us with your Sprit Lord. Equip us with the gifts of your Spirit that we need to serve you. Ripen in us the fruit of your Spirit, so that our lives will be witnesses that you are alive today in this world; that you have the power to renew and restore broken hearts and lives and all creation.Fill us with your Spirit Lord. Send us out in the Spirit’s power to live and work for you, to make your difference today, for your glory.Fill us with your Spirit Lord, we pray.Amen.

by Daphne Kitching

We pray for:

An end to acts of terrorism and violence in the world Church Unity Our community

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Our schools

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From the Parish Registers

Holy Baptism “We welcome into the Lord’s Family”March JOSHUA JAMES ELEMENT, son of Shaun James Element

and Lorna Element of Much Hoole

April MYLO DAVID MECONI, son of Jason Billy Meconi and Lisa Marie Robinson of Bamber Bridge

Holy Matrimony “Those whom God hath joined together”March ADAM JOHN STEWART and LYNISE CAROL TAYLOR both

of Loughborough

April RUSSEL CLARK and LOUISE ANNE WRIGHT both of Penwortham

The Departed “Rest eternal grant unto them”April RICHARD HUNT aged 90 years of Longton, formerly of

Hoole. Service followed by interment in the churchyard

From the Register of Services Attendance Communicants Collections

March 24th 146 31 £546.6031st 207 114 £733.70

April 7th 66 61 £495.2014th 128 30 £362.40

Collections from Baptisms, Weddings & Funerals: £140.39

Church FlowersDate Arrangers Donor

May 5th Mrs A Slater & Mrs E Kirkham Mr & Mrs Penrose12th Mrs M Clarkson & Mrs J Smallwood Ladies’ Group19th Mrs J Martland & Mrs J Wilson Vacant26th Mrs Aughton & Mrs Westell Mr D Baxter

Jun 2nd Mrs B Wignall & Mrs A Dalton Mrs K Ball9th Mrs H Johnson Mrs M Bowker

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Sidespersons’ Rota May 5th 9.00 Val Van Holsbeke

10.30 Beryl Blakeley, John & Jean Aughton3.00 Peter Smallwood

12th 9.00 Andrew Cornwell10.30 Jock Davidson, Norman Skellhorn,

Tom Wignall

19th 9.00 Ken Bishop10.30 Ted Hopkins, Gill Slinger, Peter Blakeley

3.00 Sylvia Douglas

26th 9.00 Henry Redshaw10.30 David Turner, Bill Carr, Philip Wilson

June 2nd 9.00 Rob McMurray10.30 Jean & John Aughton, Paul Johnson

3.00 Clifford Orritt

Readers’ Rota9.00 10.30

May 5th --- D Turner Acts 16: 9-15V Van Holsbeke G Slinger Revelations 21:10, 22-22.5

12th --- J Elphick Acts 16: 16-34M Redshaw S Eckersley Revelations 22: 12-14,

16-17, 20-21 19th --- M Kirkman Genesis 11: 1-9

J Wilson J Ashcroft Acts 2: 1-21 26th --- E Hopkins Proverbs 8: 1-4, 22-31

S Tighe Barbara Wood Romans 5: 1-5June 2nd --- C Bamber 1 Kings 8: 22-23, 41-43

V Van Holsbeke D Turner Galations 1: 1-12

Social CommitteeA parish amble is being organised to take place on Wednesday

22nd May. It will be an easy walk around our local area, and will be approximately 3 miles long. Further details will be issued nearer the time. Any queries contact Eric on 614385.

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Tea/Coffee Rota following our 10.30 servicesMay 5th Diane & Pauline

12th Kath & Iris19th Beryl & Rona26th Carole & Gill

June 2nd Althea & Erika9th Diane & PaulineIf you would like to join the rota of volunteers then please add

your name into any of the vacant dates on the notice board in the church porch.

If you are not available on the dates allocated or wish to change the published date can you please find a replacement or arrange a swap.Thanks. Kathleen Clarke – Tel: 01772 812349

Ladies’ Group Unfortunately our speaker couldn’t make it last month due to

illness. However, nothing daunted, and with only an hour to plan, Sheila, Joan and Heather put on a most entertaining evening, with monologues, quizzes and a fascinating talk about the Duke of Westminster’s head gamekeeper. Our most grateful thanks go to them all for rescuing the evening – turning up trumps in grand style!

At our meeting on 21st May, our talk is to be entitled “The Golden Age of Comedy” with speaker Brian Halliwell.

Thinking ahead to our Garden Party on 22nd June, please could you start collecting suitable prizes for the tombola and raffle – the more the merrier. It would also be much appreciated if you were able to supply a few plants/cuttings for the plant stall.

Contributions for the June magazine should be sent or given to Erika by Friday 17th May.

Diary Tues 14th May Men’s Fellowship AGM at 7.30pm at schoolSat 18th May United Churches’ Garden Party (see next page) Sat 18th May Race Night at Walmer Bridge VH organised by

the Men’s FellowshipTues 21st May Ladies’ Group at 7.30pm at school: “The Golden

Age of Comedy” with Brian Halliwell

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Wed 22nd May Parish Amble – see previous page

United Churches’ Garden Party – Gifts for the stalls and refreshments would be greatly appreciated

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The U in JesUs

Before U were thought of or time had begun,God even stuck U in the name of His Son.

And each time U pray, you'll see it's trueYou can't spell out JesUs and not include U.

You're a pretty big part of His wonderful name,For U, He was born; that's why He came.

And His great love for U is the reason He died.It even takes U to spell crUcified.

Isn't it thrilling and splendidly grandHe rose from the dead, with U in His plan?

The stones split away, the gold trUmpet blew,and this word resUrrection is spelled with a U.

When JesUs left earth at His upward ascension,He felt there was one thing He just had to mention.

"Now go into the world and tell them it's trueThat the love I have shown is not just for U."

So many great people are spelled with a U,Don't they have a right to know JesUs too?

It all depends now on what U will do,He'd like them to know,But it all starts with U.

Anon

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Before Pentecost the disciples found it hard to do easy things. After Pentecost they found it easy to do hard things. A J Gordon

Death has nothing terrible which life has not made so. A faithful Christian life in this world is the best preparation for the next. - Tryon Edwards

Our character is but the stamp on our souls of the free choices of good and evil we have made through life. Geikie

A little something from the ‘Uncle Eustace’ letters – St James the Least

I am sure that some will see the humour and note that I have listened! D

From the Editor of ‘the Parish Pump’: The Rev Dr Gary Bowness continues his tongue-in-cheek letters from ‘Uncle Eustace’… If you would like a copy of our published booklet of Uncle Eustace’s letters, please email us at: enquiries@parishpump.co.uk

Beware those modern choruses

The RectorySt. James the Least

My dear Nephew DarrenI am afraid we shall have to agree to disagree on yet

another topic – although I suspect the list of items we agree to agree on would be considerably shorter. I like to think my appreciation of hymns resembles a connoisseur of fine wines savouring a grand cru claret, yours seems to resemble a Russian female tractor driver who is a Hero of the Nation.

We at St. James the Least are more than happy with “Hymns Ancient & Modern” – the original 1861 edition, naturally - the later editions display a dangerous tendency towards

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modernism. Sadly, St. Paul was not able to sing “Onward, Christian soldiers,” but I am sure he regretted the fact that it had yet to be written. The hymns our grandparents pretended to sing when they were in church are quite good enough for the ones we pretend to sing when we sit in the same pews.

At least when we come to the last verse, we know that we can then sit down, mission accomplished. The last time I attended your church, just as I saw the last words and therefore the finishing line of one of your choruses coming into sight, we were told it would be splendid to sing the thing another three times. At least it gave me another analogy to use when I next preached on eternity in hell.

And your method of singing would plunge our congregation into an existential crisis. What do they do with their hands when they don’t have books to hold and are obliged to look at a screen? To be deprived of being able to hold a book in church is like a smoker who is trying to give up being unable to grasp a cigarette when in the pub.

The ladies do not know whether to clasp their handbags, which then makes it look as if they suspect the rest of the congregation of theft, or to hold some flowers, which looks a little too matrimonial. The men experiment with putting hands in pockets, which they then realise looks scruffy, so they try to hold on to the pew in front, which is inevitably too low, so they have to adopt some form of half crouch, which makes them look as if they have recently had hernia operations.

Your choral tradition – if I can flatter it with such a description – also seems to require half an hour before the Service spent singing for our congregation, that time is more usefully spent discussing Government incompetence, livestock prices and why Miss Threlfall always wears a red felt hat with her tangerine coat.

Should we ever have a joint Service, I can’t imagine how we’ll all get through the first hymn together. Your loving uncle,Eustace

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Kids’ Corner

St BONA of PISAMay 29th

Bona was born in Pisa, Italy in 1156. When she was 14 she made her first journey, going to see her father who was fighting in the crusades near Jerusalem. On the way back she was captured by pirates in the Mediterranean. Rescued, she set out again,

this time taking with her a large number of pilgrims to make the 1,000 mile journey to the shrine of St James at Compostella in Spain.

Bona became an official guide on this famous pilgrimage route and made the journey 9 times, "full of energy, helpful, and unselfish, ready to reassure with her smile those who were sick."

In recent times St Bona has come to be associated as the patron saint of travellers along with St Christopher; and in particular of couriers, guides and air-hostesses.

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TRAVELLING ON…There are lots of journeys recorded in the Bible. Can you find the answers to these travel questions? Answers at the bottom of the page.1. Where Paul was ship-wrecked on his journey to

Rome (Acts, chapt. 27)?2. Where was there no room for Mary and Joseph when

they journeyed from Nazareth?3. Which country did Joseph’s brothers travel to find

food? (Genesis, chapt.42)4. Why does the Bible always say that people were

‘going up’ to Jerusalem?5. When Moses led the people out of Egypt, what did

he take with him? (Exodus, chapt.13)6. Which of the 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse rides a

red horse? (Revelation)

What do you say to a hitch-hiking frog? Hop in!

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?Lost.

Answers: 1.Malta 2.In the inns of Bethlehem 3.Egypt 4.Because Jerusalem is built on a hill, so whatever direction you come from, you will always be going up

to it. 5. Joseph's bones 6. War.And finally

(One for Nick Procter perhaps)

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The Puppies A client brought a litter of Golden Retriever

puppies to the local veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups tumbled over and under one another in their box, the experienced vet realised it would be difficult to tell which had been treated and which hadn't. So the vet turned on the water tap, wet her fingers and gently moistened each dog's head as she finished giving it the necessary shots.

After the fourth puppy, the vet noticed her hitherto talkative client had grown silent and was looking rather reverent. As the animal doctor sprinkled the last pup's head, the owner leaned forward and whispered, "Thank you so much. I hadn’t realised you baptised them, too.”

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