choosing a partner shared

CHOOSING YOUR LIFE PARTNERGuide Edition

ARE THEIR SMILES GENUINE?Why do you think so?

HOW TO CHOOSE A LIFE PARTNER

A FEW THOUGHTS ABOUT MARRIAGE

a group which consists of: a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two;

'We stay together, but we distrust one another.' 'Ah, yes...but isn't that a definition of marriage?'

Malcolm Bradbury (1932 - 2000)

A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.

Jane Austen (1775 - 1817)

A loving wife will do anything for her husband except stop criticising and trying to improve him.

J. B. Priestley (1894 - 1984)

It is a very good way to promote civilization - if you get a good wife you will be happy, if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher

Socrates

AND A FEW FIGHTS

I was chopping tomatoes for dinner and my husband thought I was doing it wrong. I finished cooking dinner and he refused to eat it. Instead, he ordered pizza with every single topping I don't like. — court&john

We had a standoff for almost a week to see who would give in first and finally buy toilet paper. For the record, I won. — steve+mel

How to pronounce Cameron Diaz's name. I said "dee-oz" and he insisted it was "dee-as." Who cares? I didn't speak to him for the rest of the night. — mcnam002

We got into a fight while assembling the furniture in our new house. If we made it through that, we'll make it through anything! — AubreyDub

Whether or not to tuck in the sheets at the end of the bed — every time I make the bed, I tuck them in, and every night, he untucks them. — KDTully

FIRST THINGS FIRST

Partner – An associate in an activity or endeavour or sphere of common interest

Life – The course of existence of an individual; the actions and events that occur in living A life partner can be understood to be one

who goes through the course of our existence with another because of a shared interest or common interest in the endeavour of life

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FAMILIES AND THEIR ROLES INSTRUMENTAL ROLE Traditional

views emphasized the role of he family as an institution whose function was to meet the needs of society

EXPRESSIVE ROLE – Modern views of the family tend to emphasize its role in fulfilling personal needs for emotional security and companionship

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DIVINELY INSTITUTED

Gen 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

King James Version (Red Letter)

UNDERSTAND WHAT CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE IS AND WHAT ITS NOT

GOD’S INVITATION TO EVERY ONE

MARRIAGE ORDAINED BY GOD

According to Scripture marriage is ordained by God as an intimate and permanent partnership between a man and a woman in which the two become one in the whole of life. The ideal is an active lifelong monogamous heterosexual relationship.

Sexual, emotional, physical and spiritual fulfillment are important goals of a marriage relationship that places God at its centre. Christian marriage is the ideal foundation for the birth and raising of children.

Some key biblical passages on marriage principles: Gen 1:26-28; 2:21-24; Mt 19:6; 1 Cor 7:1-40; 13:1-13; 2 Cor 6:14; Eph 5:21-33; 1 Th 4:3-7; Heb 13:4; 1 Pet 3:1-7.

WHAT IS MARRIAGE?

a. Ordained by God b. Must unconditionally be given time for enjoyment and

nurture c. True marriage attracts God’s favour d. Indispensable for preservation of the human race e. Jesus sees breaking marriage as a criminal act f. Marriage is an antidote for sexual temptation g. Marriage is not a sin. Marriage is the only thing that

express complete oneness i. Forbidding marriage is an act of the devil j. No one should remain unmarried without a biblically

acceptable reason k. Desecrating marriage is tantamount to God’s judgment.

A BIBLICAL PERSPECTIVE OF MARRIAGE

Biblical Framework for a God-pleasing marriage relationship

When these principles are chosen by a husband and wife in harmony with their relationship as born again believers, this brings about a Biblical marriage. This is not a lopsided relationship (a relationship where one is more important than the other), but one that is in balance with the concept of Christ as the head of the man and the wife together. Therefore, the Biblical concept of marriage is a oneness between two individuals that is a picture of the oneness relationship of Christ with His church.

God has placed men in the world, and it is their privilege to eat, to drink, to trade, to marry, and to be given in marriage; but it is safe to do these things only in the fear of God. We should live in this world with reference to the eternal world. Many take upon themselves the sacred vows as thoughtlessly as they would enter into a business transaction; true love is not the motive for the alliance.

Messages to Young People, p. 456. Ellen G White 1930

IS A HAPPY MARRIAGE POSSIBLE?

Sadly, so many enter marriage with no understanding, no preparation, no training and no idea of how to achieve a lifetime of happiness with their chosen partner. Many couples spend far more time planning for a one-day wedding than for the lifelong marriage that should follow it.

As a result, over half of all marriages fail, ending in divorce, often with former partners becoming mortal enemies! Other couples are just as unhappy, but perhaps cannot afford a divorce, or stay together only because of the children or other social or business reasons.

Question 1

HAVE YOU FACED THE MYTHS OF MARRIAGE HONESTLY?

MYTH 1: WE EXPECT THE SAME THINGS FROM MARRIAGE

Unspoken Rules Everyone lives by a set of rules that are

rarely spoken but always known Needless to say, unspoken rules become

more vocal when our spouse “breaks” them Unconscious Roles

Just as actors in a dramatic performance follows a script, so do married couples

These are from a blend of personal dispositions, family backgrounds and marital expectations

MYTH 2: EVERYTHING GOOD ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP WILL GET BETTER

Each of us constructs an idealized image of the person we marry. It is planted by our partner’s eager efforts to put his best foot forward but it takes root in the rich soil of our romantic fantasies.

We need to realize that our marriage is not a source of constant roomance so that we can enjoy those moments of romance that come to us from time to time

MYTH 3: EVERYTHING BAD IN MY LIFE WILL DISAPPEAR

Many people marry to escape from an unpleasant situation Marriage usually does not heal the soul or

massage the spirit It does not erase the way we felt – lonely,

fear, personal pain Marriage however, can become a

powerful healing agent or environment for Uncovering and Resolving issues

MYTH 4: MY SPOUSE WILL MAKE ME WHOLE

Enmeshed Relationships (A Frame) Characterized by a general reliance on the

spouse for continual support, assurance and wholeness

Disengaged Relationships (H Frame) Where partners attempt to earn sense of

wholeness by relying on no one, not even their spouses

Interdependent Relationships (M Frame) Where 2 people with self-respect and dignity

commit themselves to nurture their own spiritual growth as well as their spouse’s

KNOW WHAT LOVE IS AND IS NOT

LOVE IS…

WHAT IS LOVE?

A strong positive emotion of regard and affection

A deep feeling of sexual desire and attraction "their love left them indifferent to their

surroundings" Any object of warm affection or devotion

WHAT IS LOVE?

The very basic difference in real love and what is passed for love in our society is the truth that love is not a feeling, love is a decision, a commitment to a person. The idea that love is an emotion misleads many young people (and adults too, for that matter).

There is a feeling associated with this commitment to another person. That feeling is often called love. However, love is the commitment and remains established through whatever life throws at it. The emotion, on the other hand, may come and go depending upon the immediate circumstances.

That is why some people fall into and out of love as often as others of us change shirts. Hopefully, this will become more clear as you read and understand what the Bible calls love.

What is the difference?

LOVE VERSUS INFATUATION

THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND INFATUATION

. Consider these contrasts between the two and determine if the feeling you have is love or infatuation. Remember to keep the focus of your heart on the Lord Jesus and check often to see that the focus has not shifted or become blurred.

Infatuation Leaps Into Bloom. Love usually takes root slowly and grows with time. Two people do not fall into love, they grow into love. Love is not a feeling, it is a decision. Infatuation may be a sudden feeling.

Infatuation Is Accompanied By A Sense Of Uncertainty. You are thrilled and stimulated, but not really happy. You are miserable when he is absent, you can't wait to see him again. Love begins with a feeling of security, you are warm with a sense of his nearness, even when he is away. You want him near, but near or far, you know he's yours and you can wait.


Infatuation Says, "We Must Get Married Right Away. I can't risk losing him," or "I must go steady with him or some one else may take him away from me." Love says, "Don't rush into anything." You are sure of one another and you can plan your future with confidence.

Infatuation Has An Element Of Sexual Excitement. If you are honest, you will discover that it is difficult to enjoy one another unless you end in intimacy (anything from heavy petting on). Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers.


Infatuation Lacks Confidence. When he's away you wonder if he's with another girl, sometimes you even check up on him to make sure. Love means trust. You may fall into infatuation, but you never fall into love. Infatuation may lead you in to doing things for which you might be sorry, but love never will.

Love Leads You Up. It makes you look up, think up. It makes you a better person than you were before. Be sure to learn the difference between love and infatuation.


These thoughts on love are quite different from what the world says love is. Many times in Scripture, what God says is quite the opposite of what the world says. God has never yet been proven wrong or inaccurate (nor will He ever be), so it seems a better risk to believe God than to believe THE LIE of the world.

Where is the focus of your heart? Is it on the Lord Jesus or is it on popularity? Is it on acceptance by the crowd or the "well done" of the Lord Jesus? Examine your own heart carefully and in light of scripture. Where is the Focus of your Heart?

KNOW YOURSELF

KNOW YOURSELF

Your Background Physical Attributes, Career, Health, Finance, Family, Religion,

Background Your Personal Character And Values

Honesty Faithfulness Hardwork Wealth

Your Dislikes About Yourself

How You Feel About Children Touching Godly Living Talking

THIS DETERMINES WHAT YOU EXPECT What Do You Expect

Him To Be Christian Tall, Athletically Built, Sensitive, Affectionate, Stockbroker, Nurse, Wont be angry

forever

What Do Expect Her To Be Christian Figure-eight, Gentle, Artist, Empathetic, Hardworking Homemaker Considerate

YOUR PAST

Any past relationships? What lesson? What made you appreciate them?

Any role models of the opposite sex? What do you admire about them What have you learned from them What about people you dislike?

KNOW WHAT TO LOOK FOR ACCORDING TO PROVERBS

THE CHARACTER TRAITS OF A GOOD FRIEND


1. A GOOD FRIEND IS FAITHFUL. Fair weather friends are numerous, and Proverbs mentions these (cf. 14:20; 19:4,6,7). But a true friend is a person who is still there even when the going gets tough.

A friend loves at all times, And a brother is born for adversity (17:17)(18:24)(27:10). 2. A GOOD FRIEND REBUKES US WHEN NECESSARY. There are things which

may need to be said to a friend that are not easy to say. IA true friend is the one who is honest enough to tell us what we need to hear, rather than to flatter us.(29:5).

Better is open rebuke Than love that is concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy (27:5-6).

Why is it, then, that we seem to think that a wife should never criticize her husband? Is it not better to be corrected by our closest friend than by an enemy? Sometimes the kindest thing a wife can do for her husband is to tell him that his idea is absolutely ridiculous--in a gracious way, of course.

3. A GOOD FRIEND IS THOUGHTFUL AND TACTFUL. A good friend is sensitive to our needs and speaks in such a way that we are encouraged and enriched. His sensitivity is demonstrated in his understanding that gaiety and goodwill is not always appropriate nor appreciated. “It matters not only ‘what’ we say, but ‘how,’ ‘when’ and ‘why’ we say it.”34 (25:20) (27:14).

http://www.bible.org/page.asp?page_id=642


4. A GOOD FRIEND SHARPENS US. Not only do we need to be criticized when necessary, but sometimes we need to be probed or stretched in our thinking. A good friend does not allow us to become intellectually stagnant, but prods us on to higher and greater thoughts. Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another (27:17) (20:5). Isn’t this true to life? Don’t you seek to develop friendships with

those who will challenge your thinking and present you with new avenues of thought? Why should one of these friends not be your mate?

5. A GOOD FRIEND OFFERS US WISE COUNSEL. Those whom we choose as friends should be marked by wisdom and thus have godly counsel to offer. Oil and perfume make the heart glad, So a man’s counsel is sweet

to his friend (27:9). David, Nabal, and Abigail in 1 Samuel 25.


We should shun the following 1. WE OUGHT NOT ASSOCIATE WITH A FOOL.

He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will suffer harm (13:20).

Leave the presence of a fool, Or you will not discern words of knowledge (14:7).

2. WE OUGHT NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THOSE WHO HAVE AN UNCONTROLLABLE TEMPER. Do not associate with a man given to anger; Or go with a hot-

tempered man, Lest you learn his ways, And find a snare for yourself (22:24-25).

3. WE SHOULD NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THOSE WHO ARE EVIL: Do not be envious of evil men, Nor desire to be with them; For

their minds devise violence, And their lips talk of trouble (24:1-2). He who is a partner with a thief hates his own life; He hears the

oath but tells nothing (29:24).


4. WE SHOULD NOT ASSOCIATE WITH ONE WHO IS A REVOLUTIONARY. My son, fear the Lord and the king; Do not associate with those

who are given to change; For their calamity will rise suddenly, And who knows the ruin that comes from both of them? (24:21-22)

There are some who are always out to change things--society, government, other people. It is not wrong to try to improve things, but the revolutionary is more bent on removing than improving. The revolutionary wants change for the sake of change, not change for the sake of improvement. Incidentally, some seem bent on finding a mate who needs improving--a sort of life-long project. Proverbs does not recommend it.

5. WE SHOULD NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THOSE WHO HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THEIR APPETITES. He who keeps the law is a discerning son, But he who is a

companion of gluttons humiliates his father (28:7).

THE CHARACTER TRAITS OF A GODLY WIFE


1. A GODLY WIFE IS GODLY. Godliness begins with a proper relationship to God. A godly wife is, first and foremost, a woman who fears God.

Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised (31:30).

In contrast, the woman to avoid is the one who does not know or fear God. She is sometimes referred to as a “strange woman,” that is a foreigner, one who has no knowledge of the God of Israel (cf. 2:25; 5:3,20; 7:5) 5:6).

To keep you from the evil woman, From the smooth tongue of the adulteress (6:24).(12:4; 31:10).

2. A GODLY WIFE IS WISE. You will recall that wisdom is personified as a woman in the Book of Proverbs (cf. 1:20-33; 8:1-36; 9:1-6). So also the ideal wife is characterized as a woman of wisdom.

The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands (14:1).

She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue (31:26).

The opposite of the godly woman is the woman of folly. The woman of folly is boisterous, She is naive, and knows nothing (9:13). As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout, So is a beautiful woman who lacks discretion

(11:22).


3. A GODLY WIFE HONORS HER HUSBAND. A man who has married a godly wife has a wife who will bring honor to him. She is truly a helper to her husband. An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who shames

him is as rottenness in his bones (12:4). The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack, of

gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life (31:11-12). An ungodly wife humiliates and harasses her husband. She is not a

helper but a hindrance to her mate. She is “as rottenness in his bones” (12:4). By her haranguing, she makes him miserable: (19:13).

4. A GODLY WIFE IS GRACIOUS. One reason honor is given the godly woman is that she is known for her graciousness. A gracious woman attains honor, And violent men attain riches

(11:16). The ungodly woman is spoken of in very unbecoming terms. She is

vexing, due to her contentious nature: It is better to live in a corner of a roof, Than in a house shared with a

contentious woman (21:9; cf. 25:24)(21:19).


5. A GODLY WIFE IS FAITHFUL TO HER HUSBAND. This is most clearly shown by contrast with the woman of folly who is an adulteress. To deliver you from the strange woman, From the adulteress who

flatters with her words; That leaves the companion of her youth, And forgets the covenant of her God (2:16-17).

To keep you from the evil woman, From the smooth tongue of the adulteress (6:24).

“Come, let us drink our fill of love until morning; Let us delight ourselves with caresses For the man is not at home. . . ” (7:18-19).

While it is not stated explicitly, it is implied and assumed that a godly wife is one who maintains sexual purity. She is a woman who is virtuous or excellent (31:10), in whom her husband has complete trust (31:11). She does her husband only good and not evil (31:12).She teaches her son the virtues of sexual purity (31:3). Certainly she is a woman of sexual purity.

THE QUALITIES OF A GODLY HUSBAND


1. A wise husband is kind and compassionate (12:10).

2. A wise husband is honest (29:24). 3. A wise husband is hard-working (12:11;

27:23-27). 4. A wise husband is truthful (12:17,19). 5. A wise husband exercises self-control

(12:15; 16:32). 6. A wise husband has a gentle tongue (12:18;

15:1-2,4). 7. A wise husband is generous (14:21; 28:27).

THE QUALITIES OF A GODLY HUSBAND 8. A wise husband is willing to be corrected (even by

his wife) and listens to counsel (12:15; 15:12,31-32; 28:13; 29:1).

9. A wise husband is a man of integrity (19:1; 20:7). 10. A wise husband is faithful and reliable (17:17;

29:3; contrast 25:19; 31:3). 11. A wise husband is forgiving (19:11). 12. A wise husband is willing to admit he is wrong

(28:13). 13. A wise husband is humble (15:25,33; 16:18-19;

18:12; 29:23). 14. A wise husband is not contentious, but a

peacemaker (17:1; 18:1,19).


15. A wise husband has control of his temper (14:29; 16:32; 17:27; 29:11).

16. A wise husband is a man who avoids excesses (20:1; 23:20-21, 29-35; 31:3-9).

17. A wise husband has a concern for others, especially the poor and the oppressed (29:7).

18. A wise husband can keep a confidence (17:9; 26:20).

19. A wise husband fears God and is obedient to His Word (13:13; 14:26; 16:20; 28:25; 31:30).

20. A wise husband is not a jealous man (27:4). 21. A The wise husband has a positive outlook on life

(15:15; 17:22; 18:14).

A FEW OTHER IMPORTANT THINGS

A person who is hard working and persistent is likely to be financially well off or well on their way to it.

A person who has strong moral values is likely to be spiritual.

A person who is dogmatic and traditional may be religious.

A FEW OTHER IMPORTANT THINGS – WHAT QUALITIES SHOULD YOUR PARTNER HAVE?

Persistence? Industriousness? Compassion? Affection? Determination? Honesty? High Integrity? Sensuality? Sexuality? Self-discipline?

Which of these is most important?

Vivaciousness? Out-going? Intelligence? Wit? Worldliness? Knowledge? Conversant? Sociable? Entertaining? Loyal

Which of these is most important?In what order of importance?

CONSIDER WHAT HE/SHE MUST NOT HAVE

Dishonesty? Lack of integrity? Laziness? Social ineptitude? Disorderliness? Indiscipline?

KNOW WHERE TO LOOK

SOCIAL NETWORKS OFFLINE

At school At church At work

IN EACH CASE IT SEEMS MORE ADVANTAGEOUS TO MARRY AN OLD

FRIEND WHO IS NOT AFRAID TO SPEND THE REST OF THEIR LIVES WITH YOU

ONLINE SOCIAL NETWORKS

Face Book Yahoo Mail And Chat Rooms Online Groups These also abound with scammers and

419ers. So seeing is believing

CAN YOU TRUST YOUR JUDGEMENT?

God Yourself Your loving concerned parents An wise adult you have learned to trust

over the years An age mate who worships with you and

who can be trusted

All in all the buck finally stops with you but you must be considerate when making your final decision. Consider your family Consider your fiancé(e)’s family Statements made by well meaning

individuals including your parents. In Africa, we don’t marry individuals – we

marry whole families and communities.

WHICH OF THESE COUPLES ARE MATCHED AND WHICH ARE MATED?

Finally there must be An Urge on the Verge of a Merge. At the end of the day the two of you must be MATCHED and not MATED.

ANY QUESTIONS?

May you have a successful search that results in a satisfying match. Thank you very much.

choosing a partner shared

Spiritual

true marriage

lifelong marriage

desecrating marriage

breaking marriage

forbidding marriage

scripture marriage

definition of marriage

christian marriage isand