Chapter 8:Communication in Families

1

Communication in the Family• It is impossible not to communicate

• Couples often cite communication difficulties

• Communication – complex process

• Why? One reason:

• Digital message – ___________

• _______________ – message contained in body language, facial expression, or way words are spoken _____________.

2

• Approx. ____ of the impact (meaning) comes from metamessage

• Interpret meaning of words using metamessage

• Leakage: Univ. of Oregan study – p.249 Couples asked to fake happiness

• Gottman exercise: Are you okay? p.242• Terribly hurt• Bizarre plan of action • Ready for a difficult physical challenge

3

What We Communicate: ______, Thoughts, ________, Observations Needs- biological and learned• The need to _______– Separateness or

independence vs. __________,connected,close (S/I) - Tannen

• Communication often reflects this S/I dimension • Wives - language of ___________; husbands -

language of ___________• Example.

4

• Needs -- partially unconscious• We do not say, “I am driven by my need…”

Instead, we behave, hoping… • our partner will respond appropriately. If this

happens… • So communication is often indirect. Why?• Tannen suggests:

1. Want others to know without having to tell them – same __________

2. Does not feel right; having to tell someone to care is a suspect kind of caring

3. Indirectness is safer.5

Ask partner to care turn away hurt damaged relationship

Being indirect protects self/relationship

“Would you like to . . .” Allows partner to refuse without provoking direct conflict

With needs – indirect com. common

Example – sexual desires/needs.

6

• The Need to Love and Be Loved The Five Love Languages – Chapman• Words of __________• Quality ____• Receiving ____• Acts of ______• Physical _____

• The Need for Respect and Worth• The Need for Power and Control• The Sexual Need

7

Thoughts, beliefs, ideas are also communicated

• Sometimes, prefaced by “I think.” sometimes not

• Thoughts may hurt others or we may disguise thoughts so as not to hurt others

• Wife asks, “What do you think of my new dress?” Husband may hesitate, choose words carefully.

8

Feelings are communicated • Little training in expressing feelings with

words

• Rather feelings come through in body language, facial expression, tone, and intensity of response

• Can be misinterpreted – mind reading

• Sharing feelings – risky

• Partner may fail to listen or make fun of feelings, cause hurt

9

• Observations are communicated• This is factual information• Usually straightforward and direct.

10

Analyzing CommunicationProblems related to sender

• Mistakes due to the sender’s failure to communicate intent clearly.

• Another mistakes: senders verbal and nonverbal message may not match

• Senders words correctly reflect thoughts but sender does not explain. Leaves receiver to infer thoughts

• Moods and feeling states 11

Problems related to the receiver

• Inattention

• Current mood states - feelings may carry over from hard day, past interactions

• Carry over - Positivity/negativity

• Gender differences

• These influence what is heard and how communication is interpreted

• Helping couples analyze com. impact

• (+) (0) (-)

• The relationship bank account/feelings 12

Communication impact: (+) (-) (0) One study: • Happily married couples – match between speaker intent

and receiver impact• Unhappy couples – much ___________ between speaker

intent and receiver impact• A pattern emerged – wives in unhappy marriages

interpreted husbands’ comments more ________ than husbands’ intent

• While husbands in unhappy marriages interpreted wives’ comments more _______ than wives’ intent

• Husband living in another world• The inflated currency in his relationship bank account was

bogus – not worth the paper it is printed on• Early warning signs of faulty communication. 13

How not to talk: Dan Wile

Common communication mistakes:

• Using “you” statements rather than ___ statements

• Using the words “never” and _______

• Responding before exhibiting _______ and understanding for partner’s view

• Making _____ reading responses

• Call partner name such as “neurotic” or “crazy”

• Bringing up old grievances from past (kitchen ______)

14

Core Issues that Underlie Conflict

• Goldberg

• Nurturance – _____ and love

• Intimacy – closeness and distance

• Power and Control – ______________

• Fidelity/faithfulness – ____

• Differences in Style

15

Communication Styles: Why we are different

• Past training• Personality and temperament differences• Gender differences

How we are different: male/female• Females – move toward others, attempting to share

feelings and be close (Involvement & connection)• Males – uncomfortable with closeness, expression of

feelings, and sharing personal concerns: talk about things- the game, the car, the stock market (separateness)

• Enjoy giving advise and opinion when ? arise. 16

Other Differences in Male and Female Communication Styles

Female Male

17

•Talking with someone about problems shows you value that person and that’s important even though topic may not be important.

•Talking about problems is helpful. It provides relief and leads to support and closeness.

•Talking does little good. Make a decision and move on.

•Talking about problems and negative things is not helpful. Is seen as complaining which leads no where.

18

Female Male

•You show interest by asking questions and others appreciate this.

•Letting others know that you understand their situation communicates support, closeness, and strengthens friendship.

•Don’t ask questions unless you want specific information. People don’t want you to pry.

•Bringing up someone’s problem makes the person uncomfortable. Indicates you feel sorry for them and this may be taken as a put down.

•Giving details helps others understand your point of view.

•Providing detail is unnecessary. Get to the point.

19

Female Male

•Silence means something is wrong. Talk about it.

•When friends share disappointments, even about romance, it strengthens friendship bonds.

•When there is silence, everything is fine. Why talk so much when talking makes things worse.

•Sharing disappointments about relationships does not help. Complaining about such things is pointless.

•When my partner tells me he loves me and how wonderful our relationship is, then I feel loved.

•Actions are what counts. She should know I love her because of what I do.

• Problems are often due to gender differences and communication background differences

• How can your awareness of differences be helpful?

• Allows you to see that differences are due to past training or gender rather than evil intent or intent to hurt

• If couple can be sensitive to differences this may lead to greater understanding.

20

Tannen on Gender Differences:

• Gaze and communication in children

• Creating connection and negotiating status

• Being direct and indirect in conversational style

• Talking at home and in public groups

• Ritual opposition

• Nagging and self-initiative

21

Communication When Conflicts Arise:

• Hendrix – the couple’s dialogue (p. 341)

• mirroring, ________, _______

• The PREP Approach – Markman, Stanley, Blumberg

• Rules for Handling Conflict

• The ______________Technique

• Problem Solving: Agenda-______ brainstorming, __________, follow-up.

22

• Distinguishing Between Events, Issues, and Hidden Issues

– An event: an everyday occurrence

Example– Events may trigger sensitive issues such as those

involving money, housework, time together, children

– Underlying these sensitivities may be hidden issues such as caring and love, intimacy, and power and control.

23

• PREP developers have noted several common hidden issues:

Power and control Needing and caring Recognition Commitment Integrity Acceptance.

24