03 15 09 opening the door to effective communication part i keys to effective communication...

West Ridge Church Marriage MinistryWest Ridge Church Marriage Ministry

““Can You Hear Me Now?”Can You Hear Me Now?”

Communication Keys for CouplesCommunication Keys for Couples

I. Opening the Door to CommunicationI. Opening the Door to Communication

1. Goal of Communication in Marriage1. Goal of Communication in Marriage

What are you looking to get out of this course?What are you looking to get out of this course?

□ □ Learn to manipulate my spouse.Learn to manipulate my spouse.

□ □ Learn to converse without fighting so much.Learn to converse without fighting so much.

□ □ Learn to communicate more effectively.Learn to communicate more effectively.

□ □ Other _____________________________Other _____________________________


LevelLevel What We SayWhat We Say We RevealWe Reveal

Elevator TalkElevator Talk PleasantriesPleasantries Almost NothingAlmost Nothing

Reporter TalkReporter Talk FactsFacts KnowKnow

Intellectual TalkIntellectual Talk ThoughtsThoughts OpinionsOpinions

Emotional TalkEmotional TalkEmotionsEmotions FeelFeel

Intimate TalkIntimate Talk SecretsSecrets Desires/Fears/etcDesires/Fears/etc


The primary goal of The primary goal of

communication in communication in

marriage is to marriage is to

increase increase intimacy.intimacy.


So where are you right now?So where are you right now?

Elevator ReporterElevator Reporter Intellectual Intellectual Emotional Emotional Intimate Intimate

11 2 2 33 4 4 5 5

<---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> <--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->

If I had to guess, I’d rate our overall level as a: ________If I had to guess, I’d rate our overall level as a: ________


2. Our Words Have Power!2. Our Words Have Power!

With all due respect to Mom.....With all due respect to Mom.....

Words CAN and DO impact us!Words CAN and DO impact us!


Our words have power to impact others!Our words have power to impact others!

To To HurtHurt Others Others

Psalm 52:2Psalm 52:2Your tongue…..is like a sharpened razor….Your tongue…..is like a sharpened razor….

Proverbs 12:18Proverbs 12:18Reckless words pierce like a sword…Reckless words pierce like a sword…

Proverbs 15:1Proverbs 15:1……..a harsh word stirs up anger...a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 15:4Proverbs 15:4…….a deceitful tongue .a deceitful tongue crushes the spiritcrushes the spirit..



To To HurtHurt Others Others

James 3:5-9James 3:5-9The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. But no man can tame the tongue. It is a But no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.restless evil, full of deadly poison.



To To HELPHELP Others Others

Prov 12:6 Prov 12:6 …the speech of the upright rescues them. …the speech of the upright rescues them.

Prov 2:18Prov 2:18 …but the tongue of the wise brings healing.…but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Prov 12:25Prov 12:25 …a kind word cheers him up.…a kind word cheers him up.

Prov 5:1Prov 5:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath…A gentle answer turns away wrath…

Prov 15:4 Prov 15:4 tongue that brings healing is a tree of life…tongue that brings healing is a tree of life…


When words are spoken by When words are spoken by someonesomeone we we care aboutcare about , they have incredible , they have incredible power!power!


We We traintrain our spouse to reach our spouse to reach

– – or to restrict – these higher levels or to restrict – these higher levels

of communication by our of communication by our repetitiverepetitive responses.responses.


Can I trust you with Can I trust you with

the real me???the real me???


Barriers -- Destroy Intimacy & Cause U PAINBarriers -- Destroy Intimacy & Cause U PAIN



1. Unforgiveness1. Unforgiveness When we are unwilling to When we are unwilling to forgiveforgive, we doom our , we doom our

relationships !relationships !



1. Unforgiveness1. Unforgiveness

2. Pride2. Pride We inherently want our We inherently want our own wayown way….and often don’t ….and often don’t

even know it.even know it.




2. Pride2. Pride

3. Anger 3. Anger Our Our differencesdifferences often cause resentment after marriage. often cause resentment after marriage.




2. Pride2. Pride

3. Anger 3. Anger

4. Ignorance4. IgnoranceWe don’t understand basic communication We don’t understand basic communication skillsskills..




2. Pride2. Pride

3. Anger 3. Anger

4. Ignorance4. Ignorance

5. Neglect5. Neglectlonger married, more we take our spouse longer married, more we take our spouse for grantedfor granted..



Relationships are aRelationships are a little little like tangible things like tangible things (car, home, etc.) in that (car, home, etc.) in that

they must be they must be regularly maintainedregularly maintained to function to function properly. properly.

CommunicationCommunication is a key aspect of a is a key aspect of a “maintenance program.”“maintenance program.”


4. The Door to Intimacy – open or closed…4. The Door to Intimacy – open or closed…


4. The Door to Intimacy 4. The Door to Intimacy – open or closed…– open or closed…

Lack of Character

Distrust

Closed Off

Isolation

Person of Character

Trust

Openness

Intimacy



What does my Character have to do with What does my Character have to do with communication? communication? EVERYTHINGEVERYTHING!!

This is why some couples are married for This is why some couples are married for decades and yet live like sdecades and yet live like strangers.trangers.

Because every spouse wants to know the Because every spouse wants to know the answer to ONE question: answer to ONE question: Can I Can I trusttrust you with my you with my heartheart??



Communication Key #1:Communication Key #1:

The most important first step I can take to The most important first step I can take to improve communication with my spouse is to improve communication with my spouse is to focus on my own personal focus on my own personal character character developmentdevelopment ! !

This is a This is a lifelonglifelong journey toward a journey toward a destination that we destination that we nevernever arrive at. arrive at.


5. A Mature Person of Character5. A Mature Person of Character

MaturityMaturity1 Tim 4:12 1 Tim 4:12

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but are young, but set an example for the believers in set an example for the believers in speechspeech, in life, in love, and in purity., in life, in love, and in purity.

Hebrews 6:1Hebrews 6:1Therefore let us leave the elementary teachings Therefore let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity…about Christ and go on to maturity…

James 1:4James 1:4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.be mature and complete, not lacking anything.



MaturityMaturity

The key issue here is that we should be The key issue here is that we should be growinggrowing and and improvingimproving. .

Best example of what maturity is NOT:Best example of what maturity is NOT:

a babya baby



MaturityMaturity

Important Marks of MaturityImportant Marks of Maturity

(1) (1) Others orientation Others orientation

(2) (2) Delayed gratificationDelayed gratification (3) (3) Balanced PerspectiveBalanced Perspective

So we don’t always do what we So we don’t always do what we wantwant to do to do -- we do what we -- we do what we need need to do.to do.



Character/IntegrityCharacter/Integrity

The man of integrity walks securely, but he who The man of integrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out.takes crooked paths will be found out.

The integrity of the upright guides them, but the The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.

A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her.more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her.


Key Traits of a Maturing Person of CharacterKey Traits of a Maturing Person of Character



(1) (1) Honest Honest

Proverbs 12:22Proverbs 12:22

The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in menThe LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in menwho are truthful.who are truthful.

Proverbs 15:4Proverbs 15:4

The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but aThe tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but adeceitful tongue crushes the spirit.deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.

Proverbs 24:26Proverbs 24:26 An honest answer is like a kiss on the lipsAn honest answer is like a kiss on the lips..

Ephesians 4:15Ephesians 4:15

……speaking the truth in love, we will in all things growspeaking the truth in love, we will in all things growup into him…up into him…




Ephesians 4:25Ephesians 4:25Therefore each of you must put off falsehood andTherefore each of you must put off falsehood andspeak truthfully to his neighbor…speak truthfully to his neighbor…

1 Peter 3:101 Peter 3:10For, "Whoever would love life and see good days mustFor, "Whoever would love life and see good days mustkeep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitfulkeep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitfulspeech.speech.




Honesty is the Honesty is the foundationfoundation of all relationships! of all relationships!



(2) (2) ConsiderateConsiderate

1 Peter 3:71 Peter 3:7Husbands, in the same way Husbands, in the same way be consideratebe considerate as you live as you livewith your wives, and treat them with respect as thewith your wives, and treat them with respect as theweaker partner and as heirs with you of the graciousweaker partner and as heirs with you of the graciousgift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayersgift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers..

Ephesians 4:32Ephesians 4:32Be Be kind and compassionatekind and compassionate to one another, forgiving to one another, forgivingeach other, just as in Christ God forgave you.each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.



(2) (2) ConsiderateConsiderate

Colossians 3:12Colossians 3:12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearlyTherefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearlyloved, loved, clothe yourselvesclothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, with compassion, kindness,humility, gentleness and patience.humility, gentleness and patience.

Being considerate is first about Being considerate is first about consideringconsidering your yourspouse’s needs. spouse’s needs.

It is also about It is also about behaviorbehavior that demonstrates you have that demonstrates you havebeen thinking of them.been thinking of them.



(3) (3) Committed/TrustworthyCommitted/Trustworthy

1 Corinthians 4:21 Corinthians 4:2Now it is required that those who have been given a trustNow it is required that those who have been given a trustmust prove faithful.must prove faithful.

Galatians 5:22Galatians 5:22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience,But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience,kindness, goodness, kindness, goodness, faithfulnesfaithfulness,s,



(3) (3) Committed/TrustworthyCommitted/Trustworthy

Commitment = Commitment = faithfulnessfaithfulness to our spouse to our spouse – – won’t won’t bail bail when going gets rough.when going gets rough.

Nothing shuts down Nothing shuts down opennessopenness faster than revealing a faster than revealing a secret shared in confidencesecret shared in confidence..



(4) (4) HumbleHumble

Ephesians 4:2Ephesians 4:2Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing withBe completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing withone another in love.one another in love.

Philippians 2:3Philippians 2:3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but inDo nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but inhumility consider others better than yourselves.humility consider others better than yourselves.

Humility means that I see Humility means that I see myselfmyself and and othersothers as God as Godsees ussees us..


Five Major Keys of Effective CommunicationFive Major Keys of Effective Communication

1. 1. MaturingMaturing CharacterCharacter

Can I trust you with my heart?Can I trust you with my heart?

03 15 09 opening the door to effective communication part i keys to effective communication...

Spiritual

communication barriers

communication level

communication keys

closed communication

primary goal of communication

higher levels of communication

intimacy open

reckless words