Chapter II — Understanding Hostile Behavior Why They Do What They Do – Understanding Angry, Hostile and Abusive Customer Behavior

ChaptChapteer IIr II —— UnderUndersstanding Hostiletanding Hostile BehaBehaviorvior

WhWhy They Theyy Do What TheDo What Theyy DoDo –– UnderUndersstanding Angrtanding Angryy,, Hostile andHostile and AbusivAbusive Custe Customer Behaomer Behaviorvior

Think about some the difficult customers you have encountered.. What did they look like? What did they do? What unpleasant things did they say?

Here is an important question. What percentage of nasty customers you face are nasty ALL the time,

to everyone in their lives? If that percentage is high, let’s say CAUTION!90%, it means that most hostile and abusive customers are that way because of personality traits they bring with them

Not Personalitywherever they go. If that percentage is much lower, it means Don’t attribute bad customer behavior

that angry, hostile and abusive customer behavior is to personality, since that’s usually not “situational”. In other words, it’s triggered by circumstances the case. Doing so puts you into a

powerless and helpless victim place.and situations.

If nasty customer behavior is a result of “personality”, then we are in trouble because we can’t “change the personalities of difficult or abusive customers. We’d all be helpless.

Luckily, nasty customer behavior isn’t a result of “personality”. The percentage of nasty custom­ers who consistently behave badly all the time is rather small. That’s not to say consistently nasty human beings don’t exist. It’s just that they are in the vast minority. Most unpleasant customers CAN behave pleasantly and respectfully given the right situations.

How about you? Have you ever lost your temper, yelled at someone, or made an obscene gesture? Maybe you have argued aggressively or pressured someone to get your way? Of course you have. These lapses into ag­gression are part of being human. Wise Thoughts To Ponder

Does it mean that you have some kind of personality defect Striking Out:or character problem as a human being? No. It means, that Have you ever “struck out” verbally

you ARE a human being. So are your customers. at someone? Of course you have. Because of that you have it within

That doesn’t excuse aggressive or hostile behavior, though you to understand angry customers that’s small consolation for the recipient of the aggression. and be a little bit more understanding. What it does mean, though, is that your own angry behavior, just as with the angry behavior of your customers, is tied to the circumstances or situation you are in.

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Anger—The Feeling

Anger refers to an internal state (it’s a feeling) experienced by the person. An angry person experi­ences physiological changes, some invisible and some visible. Here are some important things about anger and angry people that will help you put customer anger in perspective.

People choose their emotional states, although it doesn’t Snapshot always feel that way to them. Their feelings of anger, or for

that matter, any feelings, BELONG TO THEM. As such the Whose Anger? emotional state of your customers isn’t your direct responsi-All emotions belong to the person bility. That doesn’t mean you ignore the feelings. Customer experiencing the emotion, and be-coming angry (or not) is a choice you emotions affect you through the angry person’s behavior. It’s CAN make. This applies to you as in your best interests to learn how to manage angry situa­well as your customer. tions.

By recognizing that you can’t directly control the emotions of another person, you are better able to step back from their anger, and not get caught up in it. What is your responsibility, however, is to ensure that you don’t knowingly, or even unknowingly do things that are likely to provoke anger unnecessarily.

You need to accept the fact that customers will get angry. Customers have the right (just as you do), to have angry feelings. What customers don’t have is the right to take the anger out in abusive, hostile or manipulative ways.

It’s important that you become relatively comfortable with the notion that people will be angry. If you spend all your time trying to make your every customer happy, you are doomed to failure.

Wise Thoughts To Ponder Angry Behavior

Customers express anger in various ways. Some raise their Everyone Happy? voices or become more animated. Others turn red, and throw It’s impossible for us to satisfy and

tantrums. Mild expressions of anger allow customers to vent make happy each and every customer. You do your best, but sometimes the a little steam. As with the feeling of anger, be reasonable in best outcome you can create is to terms of what offends you, and allow the angry customer minimize the impact of an unhappy some latitude in behavior before you deem the behavior un­customer. Agree?

acceptable.

There’s a clear reason for this. If you allow yourself to be of­fended every time you encounter angry customer behavior, you will be pretty darned miserable, and pretty damned ineffective dealing with those difficult customer situations. As you’ll see, the problems you must address have to do with hostile and abusive behavior, not angry behavior.

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From The Acceptable To The Non-Acceptable – Hostile and Abusive Behavior

There is a difference between reasonable expressions of anger (angry behavior) which is short lived and not aimed at you personally, and unacceptable behavior that we call hostile or abusive behav­ior. Not only are they different, but we may choose to handle these two different situations in dif­ferent ways.

Hostile and abusive is intended, consciously or uncon­sciously, to have some or all of the following effects: Snapshot • Put you off balance • Manipulate and control you Thou Shalt Not Be Too Easily Of-

fended: • Demean you in some way Allow yourself to be offended every • Cause you to feel guilty time you encounter angry customer

• Cause you to experience other negative emotions behavior, and will be pretty darned miserable, and pretty darned • Intimidate you ineffective dealing with those difficult customer situations.

It’s this kind of behavior that causes the greatest amount of stress for people who serve customers, because it in­volves ranting, insulting, and using intimidation tactics. Abusive behavior, because of the intent to elicit a reaction, involves pushing the buttons of cus­tomer service staff, making it more likely they will do something to makes the situation worse, not better.

While you may tolerate some degree of angry behavior with­out being concerned, hostile and abusive is something you do not want to accept. The primary goal, with abusive situa­tions, is to cause the abusive behavior to stop. Once that oc­curs then you can work to reduce the angry feelings of the customer, and address his or her problem. You cannot help a person who is acting out or being abusive. It’s virtually im­possible. So, first stop the bad behavior (and we’ll teach you how).

There are different “containers for abusive and hostile be­havior, starting with verbal abuse.

Verbal Abuse

Bet You Didn’t Know

Feelings & Behavior The feeling of anger can only harm the person being angry through physiological changes. What we need to concern ourselves with in others is not their feelings of anger, but their angry behavior. The latter can hurt others.

Verbal abuse takes many forms, from very subtle, to the more obvious, “in your face” behaviors. When we talk about verbal abuse we include the following:

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• Persistent swearing • Yelling • Sexist comments (both explicit and implied) • Racist comments (both explicit and implied) • Irrelevant personal remarks (e.g. about your appearance) • Threats (e.g. I’ll have you fired) • Intimidating silence • Accusations of various sorts (e.g. calling you a racist) • Comments about your competency, knowledge, dedication

These behaviors are intended to demean and control. As you go through this book, you will learn some ways to counter-control in the face of verbal abuse.

Non-Verbal Abuse

Non-verbal abuse includes manipulative behavior via body language, facial expressions, gestures, and physical outbursts like pounding on a counter. Unwanted physical touch/contact fits in this category.

Let’s make no mistake about this. Non-verbal abuse is intended to send a message to you, such as “I don’t like you”, or “I’m fed up”, or even “In my eyes you are worth nothing. Non-verbal abuse is also often used as an intimidation tactic. Here are some examples:

• Standing in your personal space • Starting at you (long eye contact) • Table pounding • Throwing things • Leaning over you (using height advantage) • Fearsome facial expressions • Loud sighing • Pointing, other offensive gestures

Keep in mind that the customer showing these behaviors may not consciously intend them as intimidating or demean-CAUTION! ing, but that doesn’t lessen the effects or make them more acceptable. Listen Up Cowboy:

Unless you are a trained enforcement As with verbal abuse, you want to take steps to stop those officer, do not ever confront someone behaviors. Later on we will discuss specific counter-physically, regardless of the size of

the other person. No exceptions. measures you can use to avoid being controlled by these non Check your ego at the door. -verbal techniques.

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The Extreme End – Violence

We can define violence as any action that is either intended to cause, or can cause physical harm to another person, be it you, a co-worker, or other customer. Some actions involving physical contact, such as arm

Wise Thoughts To Pondergrabbing or shoulder grabbing can be legally interpreted as assault, so we include them in this category, even if they cause no physical damage. Other actions, such as Behavior of a Four Year Old:

Angry, frustrated adults often appear throwing things, would be considered violent behavior if to act like spoiled four year olds. there is intent to cause harm, or harm is done. Why do you think that happens?

Think about it. We’ll explain it in the However, “acting-out” behavior such as ripping up pa- next chapter. pers and throwing them, or even sweeping things off a desk onto the floor are not “violent” within our defini­tion. Abusive, yes. Hostile, yes. Scary? Indeed!

Generally this kind of violent behavior doesn’t come out of the blue but is part of a sequence of events that involves verbal abuse. By learning to defuse hostility, and verbal abuse, you are more likely to reduce the potential for physical violence aimed at you. Learning to defuse customers can make you safer at work.

Your first priority is to ensure your own physical safety, and the safety of those around you. For this reason, most Snapshot organizations accept that you have a right to remove yourself from a situation, or request backup assistance in situations where you feel physically threatened. Focus on Behavior:

Throughout this book, we will focus You don’t have to be absolutely sure a physical threat on behavior, which is something we exists. Don’t take chances. can influence. Our first priority is to

assist the person in halting the abu-One final and critical point. Unless you are in a security sive and destructive behavior. It is

only once that is achieved that you do or “enforcement” type job, and properly trained to deal your job of helping solve a problem. with violence, you should never willingly engage in any

physical altercation with a customer. Even in extreme situations, where you see someone shop-lifting, it’s just plain dumb to pursue, confront, apprehend or get physically involved with the perpetrator, even if you have a significant size advantage. The reason is obvious. That slight, shoplifting teenager may be carrying a weapon in his pocket. It’s not your job to run the risk, and you aren’t trained for it.

Implications For You

Let’s summarize the implications for you— someone involved in customer service.

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1. While we all want people to like us, and not be angry with us, if we choose this as a goal, we are bound to be disappointed. Yes, it’s good to try to meet the needs of our customers, so they are happier. Sometimes being liked just isn’t in the cards.

2. Anger is an emotion that belongs to the other person. You cannot be responsible for chang­ing their emotions. It’s not a realistic goal. Hostile and abusive behavior is another story. Fo­cus your defusing efforts on reducing the amount and intensity of verbal and non-verbal hos­tile behavior. That is a realistic goal.

3. In a later chapter, we’ll examine the idea that abusive behavior is about control. The hostile customer tries to manipulate and control you, your emotions, and your decision-making. We want to make sure we don’t allow this, or otherwise reinforce or “reward bad behavior”. Later, we’ll introduce specific ways to “counter-control”.

4. You need to provide some leeway for people to express their anger, provided the expressions are not demeaning, insulting, or manipulative. If you react to every four-letter word, cus­tomer twitch, or raised voice, you’ll go nuts, and you won’t be very good at defusing abusive customer situations. In other words, over-reaction, and over-sensitivity will end up increas­ing the amount of abuse you receive in these situations.

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