TM

CETERIS PARIBUS

Dear Jil,

Of course you've heard of the phrase, “Ceteris paribus.” It's a Latin phrase

meaning “other things being equal.” Another translation of “ceteris paribus” is

“all other things being constant,” or “all else unchanged.” It's a deploy of

economists in determining causation and isolating variables. It's almost like

freezing time. But it's not really real because in life other things are never equal.

In life all else don't remain unchanged, all other things are not constant, every

action provokes a reaction; a change occurs.

You seem to believe strongly in that phrase, “other things being equal” because

you never assume a reaction to the things you do. It's why you wilfully do

something wrong in your relationship and somehow expect other things to

remain equal on the other side. But that's not possible. When you wilfully do

things to hurt your partner other things can't remain unchanged. When you do

those things you hurt him. And he can choose from a number of reactions. He

can for example choose to absorb the hurt and just keep quiet; but be sure things

have changed. At least some things, or he can choose to express his hurt and let

you know his feelings; in which case things have really changed. Or he can be

quiet, absorb it, and notch it up in his compilation of things that affect your

relationship, things he hates, or he can go passive aggressive and not say a word

but you feel a negative hold back - things are no longer smooth; or he can quietly

@LekeAlder @jacknjilliveW jacknjillive.com talk2me@lekealder.comE Leke Alder 2016C

TM

determine it's one too many in a litany of constant hurts and pains, and decide to

suspend the relationship; or he can decide he's had enough with the

relationship and call it off! Which will come to you as a surprise.

You see, when we do hurtful things to people it's hard for those we hurt to

express those hurts in words. How do you describe pain? It's not always easy to

rationalise a feeling or emotion. There are things that are difficult to express in

words. And so when he does decide to opt out of the relationship it will be

difficult for him to explain his decision in words. More so when expressing those

things in words will make him seem petty. But he has his pain. He won't say a

word. But you'll both know the truth – you in particular. Which is why when you

do those things and you sense the effect, you quickly take steps to ameliorate the

issue. But has it occurred to you, you might be pushing the guy too far, that you

might be exhausting his elasticity? He's not infinitely elastic and so can't be

infinitely absorbent. No one is. As much as he likes you, you may force him to

that point in which you're not worth it anymore; though one must wonder why

you do these things. Why do you reply him tersely 'cause you just feel like it, or

ignore his texts? You do these things deliberately and if you're not careful,

you're setting up yourself for a shock. And instead of saying sorry when you

sense his hurt, you paper over the issue with pretentious care as if nothing ever

happened. All these things you do are actually very immature. They're in the

main negotiation of affection. You want the relationship to have an imbalance of

desire so you gain control of the relationship. You're withholding. All these

things are absolutely unnecessary. It's your insecurity and wilfulness showing

through.

/2

TM

Truth is, you NEED what you pretend to repudiate. You obviously need his

affection more. But you get him to lower his guard and want you, and then you

start all the games. It's so childish. Wilfulness won't get you far in life. It puts

people off, cuts you off life resources. And sometimes we've practiced a bad

habit for so long we're no longer sensitive to its effect on others. There's no

ceteris paribus in relationship. There's cause and effect. Things don't remain

unchanged after we do stuff to our partners.

Now, he can decide to forgive the hurt, but the proof things changed is the very

fact he decided to forgive. That your partner doesn't express hurt over what you

do doesn't mean he's not in pain over it. And this guy is bending over backwards,

being patient and accommodative of you. If you persist in this wilful and hurtful

stuff, at some point he's going to feel you're taking him for a fool; or he may read

it that you're taking him for granted and attempting to rubbish him. You see,

you won't see it as that, can't even see it as that. And that's not surprising.

Selfishness blinds us and makes us insensitive. You've got to change behaviour

or you'll keep giving this guy fear about marrying you, keep putting doubt in his

heart. A selfish disposition prevents us from putting ourselves in other people's

shoes. We can't feel the pinch we create. Stop approaching relationship from a

wilful perspective. It's an attempt at emotional oppression.

At the end of the day, all wilfulness engenders in the other party is the feeling of

being used. We end up using people in a relationship when our views are so

obfuscated by our selfish needs. A selfish person keeps what he or she has but

makes demands on the emotional and material assets of the other party. A

/3

TM

selfish person has a self-centred viewpoint in a relationship. It's a self-evident

truth. Selfishness not only blinds, it robs us of ability to sense the feelings of

others. Selfishness by nature does not permit or tolerate any other person's

interest, just one's self interest. Even on something that starts nobly, a selfish

person will somehow manage to substitute the goal with a self-agenda.

Selfishness demands stinginess of the soul, stinginess of emotions. It's never

about giving but what can be obtained. And when a selfish person gives, it's with

a view; it's never altruistic. The gift is economically dispensed so “control” can

be assumed. Emotional selfishness makes a lot of emotional demand but is

unwilling to give. When there's nothing to give emotionally but there is a lot

expected of the other party, you come across as vicious in demand. Even to

oblige the other party a minor emotional gift becomes a tedious bargaining

process. That's selfishness for you. At some point such un-giving will weigh

heavily on the soul of your partner. The cost of the relationship will be too high

and you'll lose it. Once the emotional cost of a relationship is too high, both the

partner and relationship lose value. Stop the deification of self. There's your

partner to consider.

Your mentor, LA

To view more letters kindly log on to jacknjillive.com

/4