building blocks to a strong marriage

BUILDING BLOCKSTO A STRONGMARRIAGE

SSociety offers few answersto reverse the trends ofmarital unhappiness. But

there are answers—in the mostpublished book in history. Withthat confidence, RBC staff writerDavid Egner has written thisbooklet to summarize what theBible says about marriage. It is our prayer that through the answers found in thesepages, the love of many will be renewed and sustained.

Martin R. De Haan II

Managing Editor: David Sper Cover Photo: Jon Feingersh/Corbis Stock MarketScripture quotations are from the New King James Version, ©1979, 1980, 1982, ThomasNelson, Inc., PublishersCopyright ©1986, 2001 RBC Ministries, Grand Rapids, Michigan Printed in USA

CONTENTSWhat Some People Are Saying . . . . . . . . . . . 2It All Began With God . . . . . . . . . . . 4Ten Biblical Building Blocks. . . . . . . . 6

1. Lifelong Commitment . . . . . . . 7

2. Shared Identity . . . . . . 83.Absolute

Faithfulness . . . . . . . 104.Well-Defined

Roles . . . . . . . . . . . . 115. Unreserved Love. . . . 146. Mutual Submission . . 177. Sexual Fulfillment . . . 188. Open

Communication . . . . 219.Tender Respect . . . . . 23

10. Spiritual Companionship . . . . 25

Five Facts About Marriage . . . . . . 27Checklists ForHusbands And Wives . . 30Taking The First Step . . 32

© RBC Ministries. All rights reserved.

WHAT SOMEPEOPLE ARESAYING

WWhen thehoneymoon isover, many

husbands and wives findthemselves thinking andsaying words they neverexpected to say. Forexample:

• “I’m getting out. This isn’tthe person I thought Iwas marrying. Life is tooshort for all of this pain.We’re no longer good forone another.”

• “We’ve tried everything.Nothing seems to work.He just insists on havingeverything his own way.It’s hopeless. The onlything to do is bail out.”

• “This is the thirdmillennium. Marriage

doesn’t mean what it usedto. A lot of people aren’teven bothering with aceremony anymore. You tryit; and if it doesn’t work,you leave it. It’s nothing toget moralistic about.”

• “Look at how high the divorce rate is.Everybody’s getting adivorce—even prominentchurch leaders. So whyshould I suffer through abad marriage? There’s noneed for me to be theexception.”

• “Our marriage needs alittle excitement. We’retoo used to each other.Maybe if I have an affair,

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“Marriage isn’t so much finding the right person

as being the right person.”—Charlie Shedd


it will put the spice backinto our marriage.”

• “We’ve been going fromcounselor to counselor. I don’t know how muchmoney we’ve spent. Weeven went to a preacher.Somebody must have theright formula for us. Iguess we’ll just have tokeep searching.”

• “I know our marriage willeventually work. OnceI’ve had a few drinks, I can tolerate just aboutanything. It will help memake it until things getbetter.”

• “I guess I’m destined to a life of unhappiness.There’s nothing I can doabout my marriage.Maybe when the childrenall leave home I’ll havethe courage to get out.Until then, I’ll just haveto pretend everything’sokay.”

Divorce. Extramaritalaffairs. Counselors. Alcohol.Drugs. Resignation. Theseare just some of the wayspeople are trying to dealwith troubled marriages.But most of the time, effortsto kill the pain make a badsituation worse.

There is another way—abetter way. Even if you areready to call a lawyer. Evenif reconciliation seemshopeless. You can go toSomeone who understandsyour heart and yourtrouble. He made marriagein the first place. He alonecan offer you the innerstrength you need so thatyou can take the first step.

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“God’s the Onewho can make youinto the right kind

of husband orwife—the kind that

pleases Him.”


IT ALL BEGANWITH GOD

MMarriage was madein heaven. It allbegan in Paradise.

God saw that man’saloneness was not good, so He made him a “helpercomparable to him.” Andwhen God brought thewoman to him, the firstmarital relationship began.Adam and Eve shared thewonderful garden paradiseGod had created for themas husband and wife. Hereis how the Bible says it allbegan:

The Lord God said, “It is not good that manshould be alone; I willmake him a helpercomparable to him.” . . . And the Lord Godcaused a deep sleep tofall on Adam, and heslept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed upthe flesh in its place.

Then the rib which theLord God had takenfrom man He made into a woman, and Hebrought her to the man(Gen. 2:18,21-22).Eve was made to

be Adam’s “helpercomparable.” She isdescribed with the Englishword helper, which doesn’texpress all that is pouredinto the Hebrew term.Sometimes it refers tosomeone who helps anotherfind fulfillment. In oneinstance, it was used to tellof someone who came tothe rescue of another.

On another occasion it wasused of God Himself. It’s an expression of honor

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“The woman wasbrought to the man

to fulfill him—torescue him fromhis aloneness.”


showing that Eve wasbrought to the man tocomplete him and to rescuehim from his aloneness.

As a comparable helper,Eve was Adam’s qualified,corresponding partner. Godmade her to be a suitablefriend and companion tothe man. She was, asCharles Swindoll describedit, the “missing piece in thepuzzle of his life.”

In that first relationship,our Creator gave us arealistic pattern that set a course for both thechallenges and essentials of a healthy marriage.

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The Genesis account of thebeginning of marriageconcludes with a statementthat expresses four elementsthat should be part of everymarriage (see Gen. 2:24-25). They are as follows:

• A Cutting Off.“Therefore a man shallleave his father andmother.” The maritalpartners leave theirparents.

• A Bonding. “And bejoined to his wife.” Thepicture of the first marriageincludes the idea of agluing, a permanentbonding.

• A Unity. “And theyshall become one flesh.”The two are to seethemselves as one. The oldfamily units are broken; anew one begins.

• An Intimacy. “Andthey were both naked . . .and were not ashamed.”Their absence of self-consciousness enabledthem to enjoy one anotherand to meet each other’sneeds without any sense ofembarrassment or rejection.

“The Lord Godsaid, ‘It is not goodthat man should be alone; I willmake him a

helper comparableto him.’ ”

–Genesis 2:18


TEN BIBLICALBUILDINGBLOCKS

WWhen God mademarriage, Heformed a lifelong

relationship that was to findits strength and endurancein Him. Over time, He used the wisdom of HisWord to teach husbandsand wives how to be friends to their mates. Inthe process, He gave all ofus an understanding of theessential building blocks toa strong marriage. They are:1. Lifelong Commitment2. Shared Identity3. Absolute Faithfulness4. Well-Defined Roles5. Unreserved Love6. Mutual Submission7. Sexual Fulfillment8. Open Communication9. Tender Respect

10. Spiritual CompanionshipAs we think through

these 10 building blocks,

remember that they are notman-made. They are givento us by God Himself.Because they are, you canknow with certainty thatwhen you and your matefollow them, you will havea marriage that is strong.

But perhaps your maritalpartner is at a differentplace than you arespiritually or refuses toaccept the authority of theBible. If your partner iswilling to remain with you,this is your opportunity toshow your mate the kind ofhusband or wife God canhelp you to be (1 Cor. 7:12-16). So don’t put thebooklet down. We sincerelybelieve it will help.

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BUILDING BLOCK 1:Lifelong Commitment

The first biblical buildingblock for a strong marriageis for the man and womanto make a lifelongcommitment. The Scripturesmake it clear that God’sideal for marriage is oneman and one woman for alifetime. With this kind ofcommitment in view, theLord Jesus said:

Have you not read thatHe who made them at thebeginning made themmale and female, andsaid, “For this reason aman shall leave his fatherand mother and be joinedto his wife, and the twoshall become one flesh?”

So then, they are nolonger two but one flesh.Therefore what God has joined together, letnot man separate (Mt. 19:4-6).

Then, in response to aquestion about divorce,Jesus continued:

Moses, because of thehardness of your hearts,permitted you to divorceyour wives, but from thebeginning it was not so.And I say to you, whoeverdivorces his wife, exceptfor sexual immorality, and marries another,commits adultery; andwhoever marries her whois divorced commitsadultery (vv.8-9).Except for the serious

exception of maritalunfaithfulness, the marriage vow is a lifelongcommitment—a vow to Godand to each other that isnot to be broken (see Eccl.5:4-5). Marriage is for life.

Consider the following 7

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true story: A man andwoman had been marriedonly a year when she wasdiagnosed as a victim ofmultiple sclerosis. Afterthinking seriously about it,she told her husband shewas “setting him free.” Buthe did not leave her. Thetender care and love heshowered on her made herremaining years happy andspecial. Why did he do it?“Because,” he said, “when I

vowed before God ‘forbetter or for worse’ and ‘insickness and in health,’ Imeant it. And God madeboth of us unbelievablyhappy as a result.”

BUILDING BLOCK 2:Shared Identity

The second building blockfor a strong marriage is forhusband and wife to seethemselves as one. Nolonger is it a man living hislife for himself and a womanliving hers for herself. Thereis now a new union, a newfamily, a new unit. Adamexpressed this sharedidentity when God broughthim the woman. He said:

This is now bone of mybones and flesh of my flesh;she shall be called Woman,because she was taken outof Man (Gen. 2:23).

The next verse concludeswith the words, ”they shallbecome one flesh” (v.24).

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“The marriage vowis the expression

of a lifelongcommitment. ‘Fromthis day forward’

extends throughoutone’s lifetime.”


But it’s not always easyto live out that oneness ineveryday life. This isbecause the husband andwife have different habits,different backgrounds,different parents, differenteducation, differentpersonalities, and differentemotional scars.

Besides, Eve was not aclone of Adam. She wasunique, as every humanbeing is unique. She did notcome off some assemblyline. She was different, bothphysically and emotionally.She had different needs—needs Adam alone couldsatisfy. And she alone couldsatisfy Adam’s needs.

In marriage, a man andwoman are brought intounion. They become one,blending into each other’slives. It’s once-for-all, yet it’sa process. Time, love,patience, and forgivenessare needed to bring theshared identity of marriageinto maturity. And it haswonderful results. The manand woman are no longeralone. They are one, evenat a time when:• he’s in a motel room a

thousand miles away.• she’s in the pains of

childbirth.• he has just lost his job.• she has discovered a

mysterious lump.• he has received a good

promotion.• she has been offered

a new job.The two are one.

Although they are distinctpersons with vast differences,they have agreed to walk thepath of life as one. They havea shared identity.

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“The foundation of [oneness] is a

mutual commitmentto minister to oneanother’s personal

needs.”—Lawrence Crabb, Jr.


BUILDING BLOCK 3:Absolute Faithfulness

Not only is marriage alifelong commitment of twopeople who have a sharedidentity, it also calls fortotal fidelity on the part ofthe husband and the wife.They are to be true to eachother. The Bible gives noground on this issue. Theman is to be faithful to hiswife; she to him.

The writer of Proverbscautioned:

Can a man take fire to his bosom, and hisclothes not be burned?Can one walk on hotcoals, and his feet not beseared? So is he who goesin to his neighbor’s wife;

whoever touches her shall not be innocent(6:27-29).The Bible is

uncompromising in itsdemand for sexualfaithfulness. Paul told Titusto have the older womeninstruct the younger womenin the church “to love theirhusbands, to love theirchildren, to be discreet,chaste” (2:4-5). As awoman enters a marriagerelationship, she is to becommitted to giving herselfonly to her husband.

For our good and God’shonor, adultery is strictlyforbidden in the Bible. Theseventh commandmentgiven on Sinai was, “Youshall not commit adultery”(Ex. 20:14). Jesus mentionedthis commandment in Hisconversation with the richyoung ruler (Mt. 19:18). AndPaul named adultery first inhis list of the sins of theflesh (Gal. 5:19).

Marital faithfulness is 10

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the fulfillment of the vowmade before God and manduring the weddingceremony: “And to you Ipledge my faithfulness.”One writer said:

This is how we must loveone another, with avowed love that is notdependent on happinessnor any of the externalhallmarks of success.Where is such love tobegin if it does not beginwith the one closest tous, the life’s partnerwhom we have chosenout of all the otherpeople in the world asthe apple of our eye?(Mike Mason, TheMystery Of Marriage,p.106).Here are some

implications of absolutefaithfulness—the thirdbiblical building block ofmarriage:• We will save our hearts

for each other.• We will keep our

promise of loyalty.• We will not seek comfort

from a competitor.• We will let no one come

between us.• We will realize we are

not our own.By today’s standards,

absolute faithfulness “isn’tnatural.” Of course not—not in a fallen world. Butfor our first parents inParadise, it was as naturalas could be. And today it will be part of everymarriage that is strong andsuccessful.

BUILDING BLOCK 4:Well-Defined Roles

Today’s society has madean all-out assault on

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marriage. And one of itsattacks is on the traditionalroles within the family. Thewife is being told that sinceshe has the same rights asher husband, she doesn’thave to submit to anybody.Pressure is being put on thehusband to take care ofhimself and not to worryabout her. As a result,husbands and wives needdirection. They needanswers to basic questionsabout their specific roles.

Those answers are foundin the Bible. And when theyare expressed in love, theyreflect the wisdom of God.

The Husband’s Role.The Bible says that thehusband is the head of thewife. Paul wrote:

I want you to know thatthe head of every . . .woman is man, and thehead of Christ is God (1 Cor. 11:3). The husband is head ofthe wife (Eph. 5:23).While this principle is

one of the most misquotedand misused principles inScripture, it doesn’t need tobe. Biblical leadership isnot dictatorial or blindlyself-serving. Before God,this headship is:• to be provided in love

(Eph. 5:25; Col. 3:19).• to follow the example

of Christ’s love for thechurch (Eph. 5:25).

• to be done withunderstanding (1 Pet. 3:7).

• to be done withoutbitterness (Col. 3:19).

• to equal his love for hisown body (Eph. 5:28).Marital headship does

not mean that the husbandis superior. The same versethat says the man is headof the woman also says thatGod is the head of Christ (1 Cor. 11:3). And we knowThey are equal in nature.Both are fully God.

The husband’s headshipis functional. It helps themarriage work. When

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understood and expressedin the spirit of Christ, itprovides a servant role.Headship carries with itgreat responsibility. Thehusband is to provideloving, understanding, self-sacrificing, patient, God-honoring leadership.

The Wife’s Role. Thewoman is instructed in theBible to submit thoughtfullyand wisely to the leadershipof her husband:

Wives, submit to yourown husbands, as to theLord (Eph. 5:22; cp. Col. 3:18). Likewise you wives, besubmissive to your ownhusbands (1 Pet. 3:1).Admonish the youngwomen . . . to be . . . obedient to their own husbands (Ti. 2:4-5). God made man and

woman to come together in a fulfilling, satisfyingrelationship. He madeAdam first (1 Tim. 2:13),and He made him to be

head (1 Cor. 11:3; Eph.5:23). Adam was to use hisphysical strength and hisspiritual responsibilities forthe good of Eve; Eve was tobe ready to help Adamfulfill his God-given roleand responsibilities (Gen.2:18; 1 Cor. 11:8-9).

A woman who does notfind joy in helping a manprovide loving, thoughtfulleadership in the home isdoing so to her own harm.Even though she might findit difficult to accept evengood initiatives from herhusband, she needs toshow that her ultimateconfidence and trust is inGod Himself.

Marriage has its bestopportunity when bothhusband and wife accepttheir roles. It’s a functionalnecessity—a necessityexemplified within theGodhead itself. Considerthese words of Christ: “MyFather is greater than I” (Jn. 14:28). Yet He also

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said, “I and My Father areone” (Jn. 10:30).

Jesus came to earth tocarry out in exact detail thewill and plan of the Father.Although He was equal tothe Father, He submittedHimself to the Father’sleading.

This relationship withinthe Godhead is the patternthat provides a backgroundfor understanding heaven’spattern for marriage.

BUILDING BLOCK 5:Unreserved Love

The fifth building block for astrong marriage is love—genuine, heartfelt, through-thick-and-thin, till-death-us-do-part love. A husband and

wife are to love each otherwith the kind of unreservedlove that leads them tohonor each other, to esteemeach other, to consider eachother’s welfare above theirown, and to stay by eachother’s side through thehighs and lows and the upsand downs that come inevery married life.

The husband was toldspecifically in the Bible tolove his wife. Paul said itsuccinctly in Colossians3:19, “Husbands, love yourwives” (see also Eph. 5:25).

The wife also is expectedto love her husband. Youwill remember, for example,that the older women ofCrete were told to instructthe younger women to “lovetheir husbands” (Ti. 2:4).

The love between ahusband and wife thatgrows through the years ofmarriage does not happenautomatically with thesaying of the vows or thegiving of a ring. It must be

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worked at! True, manywonderful and deep feelingsare experienced by a couplewho court, fall in love, andmarry. As time goes on,however, they learn thatlove has a deeper and morepractical dimension thanthe romantic aspect. Theydiscover that they have towork at loving each other.

The biblical pattern forChristian love is spelled out in 1 Corinthians 13.Although the love definedin these familiar verses istrue of all relationships, itmay be especially appliedto marriage. Think aboutthe practical ways theelements of love seen inverses 4-8 apply to ahusband/wife relationship:• love is patient, enduring

his absentmindednessover and over again.

• love is kind, helping withthe housework whenshe’s had a hard day.

• love does not envy hisimportant position at

work or the praise shegets for her kindness.

• love does not boastabout getting the biggerpaycheck or makingfewer mistakes.

• love is not proud butadmits that she may beright about what’s wrongwith the car.

• love is not rude, for it speaks to herrespectfully in private as well as in public.

• love is not self-seeking,but it looks for anopportunity to be of help to the other.

• love is not easily angeredand doesn’t even raiseits voice when she does.

• love keeps no record ofwrongs and doesn’t raiseissues when it’s time tomove on.

• love does not delight inevil and does notpressure the partner intowrong behavior.

• love rejoices with the truth by facing

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reality and changingaccordingly.

• love always protects,without resorting tobitter, sarcastic criticism.

• love always trusts,believing that our realsecurity is in the Lord.

• love always hopes,holding to the shareddreams when his job isphased out.

• love always perseveres,growing even stronger inadversity and stress.

• love never fails, thoughyouth, health, and vigorfade away.“But wait a minute,” you

say. “I’m doing my part,but my partner is not doinghis. Do you expect me tokeep loving him when hedoesn’t love me in return?”

Disillusioned husband orwife, this love can changeyour life. It may not changeyour mate, but it will givehim every reason to realizethat you are still there forhim. These principles of

love aren’t given just tomake marriage work. Theyare given to us by a wiseheavenly Father who, aboveall, wants us to be in rightrelationship to Him.

Yes, it’s hard to lovewhen all the love seems tobe flowing one way. It’shard when you’re the onlyone doing the giving, thesacrificing, the holding on.It’s hard when yourpartner’s ego or pride orselfishness keeps your lovefrom being returned.You’ve tried talking aboutit but nothing happens.You’re ready to throw inthe towel.

If you’re thinking likethat, it might help you tothink about the Lord Jesussuffering for us. If anyoneever had a reason to stoploving, He did. But Heloved us withoutreservation, even to thepoint of dying on the crossin our behalf. That is thekind of love we are to have.

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BUILDING BLOCK 6:Mutual Submission

Some Bible interpreters havemade much of the fact thatwives are told in the Bible tosubmit to their husbands. In stressing the woman’sresponsibility, however, theyfail to see that the passagein Ephesians 5 is prefacedby the following importantwords:

Do not be drunk withwine, in which is dissipation; but be filledwith the Spirit, . . .submitting to one anotherin the fear of God (Eph. 5:18,21).These verses were written

to the entire community ofChrist. They were penned

almost 2,000 years ago bythe apostle Paul who wenton to apply the principle of mutual submission toseveral relationships. Notsurprisingly, he saw that thefirst relationship needingthis kind of mutual spiritwas marriage.

Submission and love go together. We know thatGod is love, but how do we know He loves us?Because with great humilityand submission, Christ wentto the cross (Phil. 2:5-8).

In a Christian marriage,husband and wife, becausethey love God, are submittedto what the will of God is forthem. They are in a processof letting go of themselvesand submitting to God andto each other. Having the“mind of Christ” producesmutual submission. Whilethere are countless ways ofexpressing this attitude it atleast means:• Marriage is give and

take—not just take.17

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• Marriage is often verydifficult.

• Marriage is rising aboveself-absorption.

• Marriage is being aservant.

• Marriage is seeing whenit is loving to give in.

• Marriage is helping whenshe’s tired.

• Marriage is caring abouteach others hurts. So, what does this

mean? It may mean that awife needs to see routinechores as something that is not “beneath her.” Inheaven’s eyes, she is farmore than the family maid.

But it also means that ahusband is not to view hishouse as his castle, and allof its inhabitants, includinghis wife, as his subjects.Rather, having the mind ofChrist, he is to see it as theplace where he has the bestopportunity of all to humblehimself—to be a servant.

After all, in every lifesituation—including the

home—that’s what followersof Christ are to be. Mutualsubmission is an importantbuilding block that willmake a marriage work!

BUILDING BLOCK 7:Sexual Fulfillment

In the garden paradisewhere it all began, Adamand Eve shared a wonderfulintimacy: “They were bothnaked, the man and hiswife, and were notashamed” (Gen. 2:25).Furthermore, the commandto replenish the earth camebefore the fall. Intimacy andmutual physical fulfillment,therefore, have always beenpart of the husband-wiferelationship.

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The husband and wife areto find sexual fulfillment ineach other. The Bible givesthe following perspectives:

It Is Protective. Thehusband and wife are toreserve this special intimacyfor each other, and they areto give it freely. Paul wrote,“Because of sexualimmorality, let each manhave his own wife, and leteach woman have her ownhusband” (1 Cor. 7:2).

No one needs to tell us that we are living in asexually promiscuous age.There are few restraints.From billboards totelevision to magazines,relationships are beingsexualized.

A husband and wife who maintain intimacy arehelping to protect eachother from a sexuallyobsessed society. Theyprotect their ownfaithfulness.

It Is Enjoyable. Afterdelivering a stern warning

about prostitution, the wiseauthor of Proverbs wrotethese words to younghusbands:

Drink water from yourown cistern, and running water from yourown well. Should yourfountains be dispersedabroad, streams of waterin the streets? Let them beonly your own, and notfor strangers with you. Letyour fountain be blessed,and rejoice with the wifeof your youth. As a lovingdeer and a graceful doe,let her breasts satisfy youat all times; and alwaysbe enraptured with herlove (5:15-19).

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“Thinking correctlyabout marital

intimacy lays thegroundwork forenjoying it fully.”—Charles Swindoll


The sexual aspect ofmarriage is not a necessaryevil to be endured for thepurpose of procreation. Itwas designed by God tobring continuing pleasure—an intimate, exhilarating,renewing part of thehusband-wife relationship.

It Is Expected. When aman and woman cometogether in marriage, eachhas a right to expect sexualfulfillment from the other.Paul wrote:

Let the husband render to his wife the affectiondue her, and likewise alsothe wife to her husband.The wife does not haveauthority over her ownbody, but the husbanddoes. And likewise thehusband does not haveauthority over his ownbody, but the wife does (1 Cor. 7:3-4).Paul went on to say

that if one marital partnerdecides to abstain, it is firstto be agreed upon with the

other. Furthermore, the timeof abstinence is to be brief.

Do not deprive oneanother except withconsent for a time, thatyou may give yourselvesto fasting and prayer; and come together againso that Satan does nottempt you because ofyour lack of self-control(1 Cor. 7:5).Mutual sexual

enjoyment is an importantpart of marriage. Maritalsexual experience that ismotivated by love is notevil. It must not be mademore important than it is;nor should it be minimized.It is part of the overallpicture—an intimate part of the shared identity of theman and woman who cometogether as husband andwife.

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BUILDING BLOCK 8:Open Communication

In a survey taken a fewyears ago, the FamilyServices Associationdiscovered that 87 percentof husbands and wivesinterviewed said that themain problem in theirmarriages wascommunication. Thepercentage would probablybe the same in Christianmarriages. The wife isfrustrated because she can’tget her husband to talk. Thehusband doesn’t feel it doesany good because his wifehas already made up hermind anyway.

Here are some of thereasons husbands and

wives do not communicateeffectively:• They take each other for

granted.• They want to avoid a

confrontation.• They are obsessed with

their own interests.• They feel that they are

being manipulated.• They are too hurried to

take the time.• They don’t want to hurt

the other person.For a marriage to be

strong, however, thebarriers to communicationmust be broken down. Andone way to accomplish thatis to follow the example ofChrist. You will rememberthat husbands wereinstructed to love theirwives as Christ loved thechurch. Two aspects of theSavior’s relationship to thechurch could be applied tomarriage.

Christ Is The GreatCommunicator. He is the living Word of God

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(Jn. 1:1-4). He came tomake God known by wordand by example. Herevealed the will andcharacter of God to man.

Christ is also involved in a continuing process ofcommunicating with thechurch. He is seated inheaven, inviting us to “comeboldly to the throne of grace”(Heb. 4:16) to tell God whatis on our hearts and to letHim know our needs.

How can Christ’s exampleof communication with Hischurch apply to a marriage?• Husbands need to talk

to their wives.• Wives need to talk to

their husbands.• Both should feel free to

respond honestly.• Every problem should be

talked through.• Opportunities for talking

should be valued.Without open and

healthy communication, itwill be hard for a marriageto be successful.

Christ Is The Head. Colossians 1:18 says thatChrist is “the head of thebody, the church.” A headmust be in touch with allparts of the body for it tofunction smoothly. Throughthe nervous system, itsends and receivesinformation. It tells thefinger when to move; it istold when the finger feelspain. If communication ismissing, the body cannotfunction as one.

The same is true of amarriage. The man, as head of the home, needs tocommunicate with his wife.And she in turn needs to befree to communicate withhim. Unless there is two-way communication, asbetween Christ and Hisown, the marriage willexperience difficulty.

Psychologist PaulTournier made thisobservation about maritalcommunication:

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husband and wife] dotalk about everything,but it is all objective, allabout facts and ideas,which is what a man isinterested in. For awoman, real dialoguemeans talking about herfeelings—her ownfeelings. But even moreimportantly, about herhusband’s feelings,which she wants tounderstand, but whichhe does not know how toexplain (“Listening ToHer,” Family Life Today,Nov. 1982, p.26).What can you do if you

feel your mate is notlistening? Here are foursuggestions:• Tell of your need to

communicate.• Don’t rehash old

conversations.• Start on the fact level.• Move on to the feeling

and conviction levels.It’s hard to converse

honestly on all levels, but

it’s worth the pain andeffort. Open communicationis an essential buildingblock of marriage!

BUILDING BLOCK 9:Tender Respect

Sometimes marital partnersare like Dr. Jekyll and Mr.Hyde. In public they areconsiderate, forgiving,patient, and sweet-tempered. But once they are behind the closed doorsof their own home, theyturn ill-tempered, surly, andunforgiving. Their matesonly wish they could betreated the way theirpartner treats others.

In Ephesians 4:31-32 the apostle Paul wrote:

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Let all bitterness, wrath,anger, clamor, and evilspeaking be put awayfrom you, with all malice.And be kind to oneanother, tenderhearted,forgiving one another, justas God in Christ alsoforgave you.This passage certainly

applies to husbands andwives in a marriagerelationship. Speaking towives, Paul said, “Let thewife see that she respectsher husband” (Eph. 5:33).Peter told wives to besubmissive to theirhusbands and even topattern their behavior afterSarah, who “obeyedAbraham, calling him lord”(1 Pet. 3:1,5-6)—a pictureof her respect for him.

Peter then spoke tohusbands in verse 7 andadvocated that they respecttheir wives as well. He gavethree instructions:

1. “Dwell with [yourwife] with understanding.”

He was saying, “Know yourwife well so that you canrespect her feelings.” Ahusband needs to make thishis goal. He should knowwhat pleases and comfortsher, and also what hurtsand angers her. This specialunderstanding can then beused in building her uprather than tearing herdown.

2. “Giving honor . . . asto the weaker vessel.” If aman is going to move fivecontainers and he knowsone of them is more fragilethan the others, he willhandle that one morecarefully. This is how ahusband should treat hiswife. He should give herspecial honor and respect.Husband, buy your wifegifts, send her flowers,remember her birthday, take her special places.

3. “As being heirstogether of the grace of life.”The gifts of life are not onlythe husband’s to enjoy.

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They are given by Godequally to both, and theyshould be shared together.A man must respect his wifeand not rob the joy of lifeGod created her to have.

BUILDING BLOCK 10:Spiritual Companionship

Finally, and perhaps mostimportant, a Christianhusband and wife shouldsee themselves as spiritualcompanions. They aremaking a spiritual journeythrough life together,walking hand in hand aschildren of God toward thewonderful eternity with Godthat awaits them. What adifference it makes when amarriage has a godly

husband and a dedicatedwife! No one can measurehow much they help eachother spiritually as theytravel life’s road together.

The spiritual dimensionwas included in thepassages about marriagewe’ve been discussing.Speaking to husbands abouttheir wives, Paul said:

Husbands, love yourwives, just as Christ alsoloved the church and gaveHimself for it, that Hemight sanctify and cleanseit with the washing ofwater by the word, thatHe might present it toHimself a glorious church,not having spot or wrinkleor any such thing, butthat it should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives astheir own bodies (Eph. 5:25-28).There is to be a purifying,

cleansing dimension to themarriage. Just as the church

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5 6 7

8 9

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2 3 4


is made pure because ofJesus Christ, so the wifeshould be made better byher relationship to herhusband.

And how is thataccomplished? The sameway Christ helped thechurch: He loved it andgave Himself for it. Loveand sacrifice—these set amarriage apart and makepossible a true spiritualcompanionship.

Peter also mentioned thespiritual dimension in hispassage on marriage. Heclosed it by saying, “thatyour prayers may not behindered” (1 Pet. 3:7). Asthe husband understandshis wife, giving her honorand seeing her as a joint-heir of the grace of life, hewill be able to pray withpower. If he does not, Petersays, his prayers will be“hindered.” He will lose theeasy freedom of unhinderedprayer.

Here are some qualities

that will be present in amarriage where husbandand wife are spiritualcompanions:• They both worship the

same God.• They both seek to do

the will of God.• They are both

accountable to Christ.• They raise their children

together.• They pray for each other.• They encourage each

other’s faith.As a husband and wife

draw closer to the Lordthrough prayer, Biblereading, fellowship, andsubmission to Christ, they will also draw closer to each other. This relationship may bevisualized as a triangle. As the husband and wifedraw closer to God, theywill also grow closer to eachother in a relationship thatpleases God.

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FIVE FACTSABOUTMARRIAGE

PPastors and marriagecounselors repeatedlyhear husbands and

wives make statements thatare not true. Here are fivefacts about marriage that areoften disputed by maritalpartners under stress.

1. You aren’t marriedto the wrong person. Sometimes it doesn’t takevery long before the wifebegins to wonder if shemarried the right guy, or thehusband begins to think hemade a mistake. This oftenhappens in that period ofadjustment while idealisticexpectations for marriageare being brought into linewith reality.• You find out she hates

to cook.• You find out he has no

mechanical ability.• You each learn that the

other can be stubborn,easily hurt, depressed, or angry.

• You have different viewsabout finances.So you begin to tell

yourself that you married thewrong person. But that’s nolonger an issue. You made alifelong commitment. Nowyour responsibility beforeGod, except in extreme casesof unfaithfulness, is to staywith the one you havemarried (Mt. 19:4-9; 1 Cor. 7:10-14).

2. His failure to leadisn’t your excuse. “Well,” the young womansaid emphatically, “if hewould only lead the wayhe’s supposed to, we couldwork things out. But hewon’t, so I have to makethe decisions. Then hecriticizes them. I can’t stand it any longer.”

She’s right about onething. Her husband shouldbe taking more loving,thoughtful initiative.

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He should be taking thelead, especially in spiritualmatters.

Even so, his failure tolead is no excuse for herdisobedience. Herresponsibility before theLord still calls for her to bea loving, spiritual woman ofgrowing inner beauty (1 Pet.3:1-6). If she uses what shesees as his failure to lead asan excuse for her own poorbehavior, she is failing everybit as much as he is.

3. Her failure tosubmit isn’t your excuse.Some husbands have abuilt-in excuse for everyshortcoming or failure—they blame their wives. • “She’s always so pious.

She corrects me everytime I try to lead familydevotions. It’s her faultwe don’t have themanymore.”

• “She had to have thishouse. I went aheadwith it because I knew itwould please her. It’s her

fault we’re havingfinancial trouble.”When a man starts

talking like this, he’srefusing to accept his ownresponsibility in the familydecision-making process.True, she did provide input.Perhaps she was insistent.But that’s not your excuse.You have to stop blamingher and begin to do what’sright before God.

4. Sex isn’t all hethinks about.Sometimes a hard-working,busy wife begins to thinkthat all her husband isinterested in is having hissexual desires met. Thisperception may becomeespecially pronounced ifany of the followingcircumstances are true:• He spends too much

time in his work.• She doesn’t have his

help around the house.• He ignores the needs of

the children.• Their schedule is full.

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While it’s true that hemay need an honestreminder that his wifebarely has the energy tokeep up with her work, it also may be true that shesometimes doesn’t botherwith her husband’s sexualinterest. In many cases,both need to do someadjusting. She needs to givehim the benefit of the doubtand also talk to him abouther needs. Some couplesneed to plan a regularevening together or, iffinances allow, a few daysaway without the children.

5. Appearance isn’t allshe thinks about. A fifth fact about marriageis that many women dothink about more thanaesthetics. But somehusbands don’t believe it.They argue:• “She always wants to

buy something new forthe house.”

• “It takes her too long topick out a dress.”

• “She insists that thekitchen cupboards needrestaining. They lookfine to me!”

• “It takes her forever toget ready to goanywhere. And thenwe’re always late!”

• “She loves to shop andspend my hard-earnedmoney on littleknickknacks anddoodads.”It’s true that many

women are more interestedin appearances than theirhusbands. And Peter didspeak bluntly to womenabout the danger of puttingtoo much emphasis onlooking good on the outsidewhen they should be payingattention to the “hiddenperson of the heart” (1 Pet. 3:4).

But let’s face it, men. Wedo need our wives to helpus. Some of us are slobs. Ifwe’re honest, we’ll admitwe’re glad for their attentionto detail.

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CHECKLIST FORHUSBANDS

HHusbands, now thatyou’ve read whatthe Bible teaches

about your role andresponsibilities in marriage,take a moment to evaluateyourself. Rate yourself bycircling the appropriatenumber: 5–excellent; 4–verygood; 3–good; 2–poor; 1–failing.

• I see myself as havingleft father and motherand as bonded to mywife. 1 2 3 4 5

• I see my wife as one withme in every phase of mylife. 1 2 3 4 5

• I do my best to befaithful to her in thoughtas well as in deed.1 2 3 4 5

• I provide my wife thekind of loving leadershipChrist gives the church.1 2 3 4 5

• I often sacrifice myinterests for my wife’swell-being.1 2 3 4 5

• I often tell her that I loveher and do little things toshow it.1 2 3 4 5

• I’m concerned about herfeelings, and I listenwhen she talks aboutthem.1 2 3 4 5

• I try to say somethingnice to my wife everyday and don’t go to sleepangry.1 2 3 4 5

• I do not use my wife’sshortcomings as excusesfor my own failures.1 2 3 4 5

• I talk about spiritualmatters with her, and Ioften pray for her andwith her.1 2 3 4 5

Now have your wifeevaluate you. Be open to areas that needimprovement.

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CHECKLIST FORWIVES

WWives, now thatyou’ve read what the Bible

teaches about your role andresponsibilities in marriage,you might want to stop and evaluate how you aredoing. Rate yourself bycircling the appropriatenumber: 5–excellent; 4–verygood; 3–good; 2–poor; 1–failing.

• I do not let myself thinkthat I have married thewrong person. 1 2 3 4 5

• I have left my father andmother and shareidentity with myhusband. 1 2 3 4 5

• I am committed tomaking our marriage lastuntil one of us dies. 1 2 3 4 5

• I do not use sexualfulfillment as a weapon

to get my own way. 1 2 3 4 5

• I am willing to submit to my husband’sresponsibility of headship. 1 2 3 4 5

• I feel that inner beauty ismore important thanphysical attractiveness.1 2 3 4 5

• I show respect for myhusband in my attitudesand my actions. 1 2 3 4 5

• I do little things for himthat I know will pleasehim. 1 2 3 4 5

• I don’t use my husband’sshort-comings as anexcuse for my failures. 1 2 3 4 5

• I see myself as myhusband’s spiritualcompanion, and I prayfor him and with him. 1 2 3 4 5

Now ask your husband to rate you in these areasand compare notes. Behonest, and be open toimprovement.

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TAKING THEFIRST STEP

FFor a marriage to be asGod designed it, bothpartners need to be

right with Him. He createdmarriage in part becauseHe saw that it wasn’t goodfor man to be alone.

Is your marriage a goodone? If there are serious,unresolved problems, is itbecause you have beentrying to make it on yourown? If so, let me urge you to turn back to your Creatorand Savior. Admit thatyou’ve made a mess of things and that you can’t livewithout Him. Turn from yourpride and stubbornindependence. Confess yourwrongs to God. Ask Him tohelp you build into yourmarriage the 10 biblicalbuilding blocks we’ve namedin this booklet. And let yourspouse know what you havedone—even if you have to be

broken in spirit to start anew.If you’re not a child of

God, the first step is to knowwhat Christ did for you. The starting place for ahealthy marriage experiencebegins with your ownpersonal relationship to Him. To know Hisforgiveness, you need toagree with Him about yoursin, admit that you can’tsave yourself, and thenbelieve that Christ died inyour place to take thepenalty for your sin and thenrose from the dead to proveit. Read the wonderfulpromise of John 3:16 andclaim it for yourself:

For God so loved theworld that He gave Hisonly begotten Son, thatwhoever believes in Himshould not perish buthave everlasting life. When you believe in

Him, you’ll have taken thefirst step in finding the kindof relationship you’ve beenlooking for.

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