book by james devita music and lyrics by bill francoeurbook by james devita music and lyrics by bill...

© Copyright 2002, JAMES DeVITA

PERFORMANCE LICENSEThe amateur acting rights to this play are controlled exclusively by PIONEER DRAMA SERVICE, INC., P.O. Box 4267, Englewood, Colorado 80155, without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind may be given. On all programs and advertising this notice must appear: “Produced by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado.”

COPyINg OR REPROduCINg ALL OR ANy PARt OF thIS bOOk IN ANy MANNER IS StRICtLy FORbIddEN by LAw.All other rights in this play, including those of professional production, radio broadcasting and motion picture rights, are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., to whom all inquiries should be addressed.

the Musical Misadventures of a girl Named Alicebased on the novel Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll

Book by JAMES DEVITAMusic and Lyrics by BILL FRANCOEUR

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wONdERLANd!The Musical Misadventures of a Girl Named Alice

Book by JAMES DEVITAMusic and Lyrics by BILL FRANCOEUR

based on the novel Through the Looking Glass byLEWIS CARROLL

CAST OF CHARACTERSALICE .............................................. the same one that chased the

rabbit down the holeTROUBADOUR* .............................. quite the singerMOTHER’S VOICE .......................... offstageRED KING ....................................... soporific monarchWHITE KING .................................... defender of the crownRED QUEEN .................................... vicious, nasty temperWHITE QUEEN ................................ befuddled but beneficentRED PAWNS .................................... pawns in the hands of their

queenWHITE PAWNS ................................ dittoDAISY .............................................. a talking flowerTIGER-LILY ...................................... alsoROSE ............................................... alsoPROPER AUTHORITY #1 ................ sees to it that everything is...

properPROPER AUTHORITY #2 ................ helps #1PROPER AUTHORITY #3 ................ alsoANNOUNCER .................................. #1’s alter egoUMP ................................................. #2’s alter egoCATCHER ........................................ #3’s alter egoVENDOR .......................................... generous popcorn sellerHATTA .............................................. White King’s messengerTWEEDLE DUM ............................... not a statue, nohowTWEEDLE DEE ............................... contrariwise; a poetTRAIN CONDUCTOR ...................... by-the-rules tour guideTOURISTS ....................................... slaves to their camerasTICKET SELLER .............................. sells tickets, of course

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HUMPTY DUMPTY .......................... just don’t tell him he looks like an egg

UNICORN ........................................ hungry for power (and cake)LION ................................................ likewiseWHITE KNIGHT ............................... defends his queen’s honorRED KNIGHT ................................... also defends the White

Queen’s honorEMCEE ............................................ masters the ceremonyTHE RESPONSIBILITIES ................ jazzy, southern Baptist,

Manhattan Transfer-style singing group of any size

CHORUS/EXTRAS .......................... as DANCERS, FANS and BASEBALL PLAYERS at baseball game, TOURISTS, the DIXIE CHICKENS, etc.

* If playing for small children, you may consider making the TROUBADOUR a White Rabbit wearing Renaissance garb.

SETTINGThe stage is bare but for the stage floor which has large black and white squares representing the rows and columns of a chessboard. If it is not possible to paint the stage floor, or represent these rows and columns in some other way, the play can be done with a single square—like the rubber home plate used in baseball games—which will represent all of the squares to come. Changes in location during the play will be established either by a shift in lighting, sound or by the ensemble actors bringing on and/or taking off set pieces. No large, fixed set pieces are used so as to facilitate the fluid and rapid movement of one scene to another. The play should have a very improvisational feel to it. Any changes by the ensemble, costume or set, are done in full view of the audience as part of the action. The members of the ensemble are the storytellers of Alice’s imagination. A wall of flats is upstage with various odd shaped doors and windows for entrances and exits. These doors are not noticeable at the top of the show. Whatever design is painted on the flats and the way they are lit obscures them.

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SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERS

MC 1 Alice in Wonderland—Prologue ... Troubadour/EnsembleMC 1a Through the Looking Glass.......... InstrumentalMC 2 Jabberwocky ................................ White King and Queen/

Red King and Queen/Alice/Chess Pieces

MC 2a Trumpet Fanfare .......................... InstrumentalMC 3 Checkmate .................................. Red Queen/Alice/

Female Chess PiecesMC 3a Trumpet Fanfare .......................... InstrumentalMC 3b Take Me Out to the Ball Game .... InstrumentalMC 3c Take Me Out to the Ball Game .... InstrumentalMC 4 The Walrus and the Carpenter .... Tweedle Dee/Tweedle

Dum/AliceMC 5 Ride the Choo Choo .................... French Conductor/

Alice/TouristsMC 6 Anything’s Possible ..................... White Queen/Alice/

Male Chess PiecesMC 6a Humpty Dumpty ........................... AliceMC 7 I Was a Good Egg But Then I Done Went Bad .......... Humpty Dumpty/Dixie

ChickensMC 7a Alice in Wonderland—Reprise ..... Troubadour/Backstage

ChorusMC 8 Entr’Acte—Anything’s Possible .... InstrumentalMC 8a Trumpet Fanfare .......................... InstrumentalMC 9 Hip, Hip Hooray ........................... White King/Hatta/

Chess PiecesMC 10 Step by Step ................................ Alice/White Knight/Red

KnightMC 10a The Pageant ................................ InstrumentalMC 11 You Got Responsibility ................. The Responsibilities/

Chess PiecesMC 11a Exit Music .................................... InstrumentalMC 11b Through the Looking Glass.......... InstrumentalMC 12 Was it All Just a Dream—Finale .. Alice/Citizens of

WonderlandMC 13 Curtain Call .................................. InstrumentalMC 13a Alice in Wonderland—Epilogue ... Troubadour/Ensemble

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wONdERLANd!

ACT ONEAT RISE: The STAGE is DARK. MUSIC CUE 1: “Alice in Wonderland—Prologue.” The ENSEMBLE, except for the TROUBADOUR, ENTERS dressed in a uniform costume during the music introduction. (See PRODUCTION NOTES.) Other costume pieces will be added and taken away from the ENSEMBLE as they play various characters. The ENSEMBLE forms a group UPSTAGE behind ALICE, silhouetted in a freeze. LIGHTS UP to DIM to set a magical atmosphere. A rather tight spot reveals ALICE sitting in a large armchair CENTER STAGE. The chair has casters on it so it can be easily rolled off later. Beside it is a table with a large chessboard and slightly oversized chess pieces on it. A stuffed kitty is propped up on the opposite side of the board. Alice is playing chess with Kitty. There is also a red book on the chair which will match the red book the WHITE PAWN brings on in the next scene. ALICE occasionally leafs through the book as she plays chess with Kitty. A second SPOT reveals a TROUBADOUR in Renaissance attire, carrying a lute or guitar. He moves toward ALICE as he sings.tROubAdOuR: (Sings.) Alice in Wonderland,

Close your eyes and take my hand.You’ll find your NeverlandIs just a dream away!

Alice in Wonderland, Your every wish is my command.You’ll come to understand It’s a brand new day.

A fairytale? A fantasy?A quite illusive mystery.All will surely come to passThrough the magic looking glass! (LIGHTS COME UP. The rest of the ENSEMBLE UNFREEZES and slowly walks toward ALICE, forming a group around and/or behind her.)

tROubAdOuR/ENSEMbLE: (Except ALICE. Sing.)Alice in Wonderland, Close your eyes and take my hand.You’ll find your NeverlandIs just a dream away.

Alice in Wonderland,

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Your every wish is our command.You’ll come to understandIt’s a brand new day.

It’s a brand new day! (The ENSEMBLE begins to EXIT in various directions.)

tROubAdOuR: (Sings.) You’ll find your NeverlandIs just a dream away! (EXITS. LIGHTS UP.)

MOthER’S VOICE: (This voice is only heard from OFFSTAGE throughout the play.) Alice! Did you change yet? We’re leaving in five minutes! Alice!

ALICE: (Playing chess with Kitty.) It’s your turn, Kitty! Do hurry or we’ll never finish the game!

MOthER’S VOICE: Alice, get out of those clothes and put your dress on!

ALICE: In a minute, Mom! (To Kitty.) I hate leaving a game unfinished.

MOthER’S VOICE: And brush your hair. Did you brush your hair?!ALICE: Yes, I brushed my hair! (To Kitty.) What’s that, Kitty?

Goodness, I can’t understand a word you say. It’s a very inconvenient habit of yours, you know, that no matter what you say, you always purr. If you would only purr for “yes,” and mew for “no,” things would move along much easier. Now hurry, it’s your move!

MOthER’S VOICE: And take those boots off! Did you hear me? You are not getting out of this house with those boots on!

ALICE: All right, already! (Quieter.) Your Majesty. (She makes the Kitty knock over a chess piece.) Oh, you wicked, wicked little Kitty! Look what you’ve done! That’s not playing fair! You really ought to be punished, you know.

MOthER’S VOICE: Alice!ALICE: (Still to Kitty, ignoring mother.) But I’m saving all your—

don’t interrupt me—I’m saving up all your punishments! I’m not forgetting them, I—oh, dear, what if all my punishments were saved up? I should be sent to prison I suppose.

MOthER’S VOICE: Alice, are you ready yet?!ALICE: But I won’t send you to prison. I’ll put you through into

Wonderland! Then you’ll really be sorry, because everything there is backwards.

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MOthER’S VOICE: (Angry now.) Alice, dear, we’re going to be late! Do I have to come and get you?!

ALICE: (Angry also.) And, most of all, through the looking glass I give all the orders and I make up the rules! (MUSIC CUE 1a: “Through the Looking Glass.”) Oh, let’s pretend, Kitty! Let’s pretend we can get to the other side. I wish we could see the other side! Just for once I want to do what I want to do! I wish I could put myself right through and stay there forever! (The STAGE is transformed into Wonderland. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.] This is done in full view of the AUDIENCE. LIGHTS SHIFT wildly. ALL of the ACTORS that are in the next scene ENTER in costume as the CHESS PIECES. If EXTRAS are available they can ENTER also as DANCERS and take part in the choreographed chaos and scene change. They swirl about ALICE, quietly mumbling lines from the scene to come, as the following dialogue continues. As they swirl about the STAGE, an ACTOR wheels off the armchair in a circuitous route, as does ANOTHER with the table and Kitty. ALICE turns wildly on the STAGE as if in a whirlpool of wind, weaving in and out of the ENSEMBLE. Two other ACTORS hold a large full length mirror between them that is represented only by the frame. They too swirl about the STAGE. During this, the WHITE PAWN can either take the red book off of ALICE’S chair, or ENTER with one that matches it.)

ALICE: (During the transformation.) Oh, goodness! Kitty! Kitty, where are you?

MOthER’S VOICE: (Distorted.) Alice, where are you?! Alice!ALICE: What’s happening?! Help! Someone help!MOthER’S VOICE: (Overlapping.) Alice!ALICE: Kitty!MOthER’S VOICE: Alice! ALICE: Kitty? Where are you? Kitty? What happened? Where is

everything? (At this point the ACTORS who cleared the STAGE are back on—unless this was accomplished with EXTRAS and they don’t need to RE-ENTER. The ACTORS with the frame of the looking glass are right in front of ALICE. It is timed so she swirls right through the frame at the end of her previous line. As she does there should be a SOUND EFFECT—something magical, or the distorted shattering of glass, or a loud chime, etc., either taped or made by an ACTOR ONSTAGE. [NOTE: These SOUND EFFECTS are included on the pre-recorded music available from the publisher.] As ALICE steps through, the ACTORS continue

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OFF with the frame. If they are needed in the scene, they ENTER again as soon as they have cleared it. As ALICE regains her bearings after stepping through the looking glass, LIGHTS and MUSIC stop. She is in Wonderland. She spins around slowly, wondering what has happened and where she is. The backdrop is now lit to reveal wonderful, colorful designs. GENERAL LIGHTING is much BRIGHTER and more vibrant than the top of the show. The CHESS PIECES, to include at least RED KING and QUEEN, WHITE KING and QUEEN and some PAWNS, are chasing the WHITE PAWN around ALICE as they try to get the red book from him/her. They do not notice ALICE. If EXTRAS are available, they can also be present, i.e. the KNIGHTS and more PAWNS.)

REd kINg: (To the WHITE PAWN, who is carrying the red book.) I am the king! Give it here!

whItE kINg: I’m a king, too, you know.REd QuEEN: Oh, do be quiet.ALICE: (Talks to herself.) Maybe they can tell me where I am.whItE QuEEN: (To WHITE PAWN.) Come over here, dear.REd PAwN: (About the red book.) I found it! It’s mine!whItE PAwN: It belongs to everyone!ALICE: Excuse me, could you—?REd PAwN: No one can read it anyway! What’s the difference!REd kINg: Now, by my whiskers, the next person who—REd QuEEN: You don’t have any whiskers.REd kINg: Oh. REd PAwN: Give me! (Takes the book.)whItE QuEEN: (To WHITE KING.) I think you should do

something, dear.whItE kINg: Oh, uh, yes. Ahem—children, um, excuse me.

Children? (To RED PAWN.) Might I have a word with you? (PAWN stomps on his foot.) Ow!

whItE PAwN: (Grabs at RED PAWN’S book.) Give it back!ALICE: (Tries to get their attention.) Um, hello there.whItE kINg: It’s really not particularly nice to do that.ALICE: Hello, everyone.whItE kINg: Violence never solves anything.ALICE: Excuse me.

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whItE kINg: Not that anything needs solving.ALICE: (Louder.) I said, excuse me!ALL ChESS PIECES: (They ALL look at ALICE, and their bickering

suddenly stops. They ALL scream, stepping back in unison, frightened.) Ahh!

ALICE: Hello.REd QuEEN: (Steps forward and takes charge of the situation.)

Don’t you “hello” me.REd kINg: Who are you?!whItE QuEEN: Yes, little girl, who are you?whItE kINg: And what are you doing here?REd kINg: Yes!whItE QuEEN: What?REd QuEEN: What?REd kINg: What?ChESS PIECES: What are you doing here?! (A PAWN takes

ALICE’S measurements with a measuring tape and calls them out to the WHITE KING, who takes notes in a book. The others observe ALICE with things like binoculars, a magnifying glass, etc., calling things out: “Female, five foot three, hair-blonde, eyes-blue,” etc. The WHITE QUEEN peers at her through opera glasses.)

ALICE: (During the above exam.) What are you all doing? I—please don’t do that!

REd kINg: (Exam complete.) Conclusion?ChESS PIECES: Human! (A reaction of amazement from ALL.) REd kINg: Now, I’ll ask you again. What are you doing here?ALICE: Well, to begin with, I’m introducing myself.whItE kINg: How nice of you. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m—REd QuEEN: Oh, hush! That’s not what we meant at all.whItE QuEEN: Where did you come from, child?ALICE: I came through the looking glass.whItE kINg: Through the what?ALICE: The looking glass.REd QuEEN: I don’t see any looking glass!

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whItE QuEEN: (Very nurturing.) Poor child, she’s delirious. Let me talk to her. Hello, dear. Have you hit your head?

whItE kINg: Knocked your noggin?REd QuEEN: Cracked your crown?ALICE: No.whItE QuEEN: Are you sure?ALICE: Yes.whItE QuEEN: (To other CHESS PIECES.) All right, all right, all

right! (To ALICE.) Now, you say you came through a looking glass to... to what? Why would you do a thing like that?

ALICE: No reason. Just curious.REd QuEEN: Curious? whItE QuEEN: Just curious, you say? (They ALL echo the word

to each other very seriously.) ALICE: Yes.whItE kINg: Well, you know what they say about… (Serious

whisper.) ...curiosity!ALICE: No.REd QuEEN: Let me handle this, please.whItE kINg: (Shakes her head, feeling sorry for ALICE.)

Curiouser and curiouser.REd QuEEN: (Sharply.) Now, just where do you think you’re going,

young lady?ALICE: Well... I don’t really know. I—REd QuEEN: Look up, speak nicely and don’t twiddle your fingers

all the time. Now, where are you going?ALICE: I’m not sure. I seem to have lost my way.REd QuEEN: I don’t know what you mean by your way. All the ways

around here belong to me.whItE QuEEN: And me.REd QuEEN: And why did you come here at all? Curtsey while

you’re thinking what to say. It saves time.ALICE: (Curtsies clumsily.) I only—REd QuEEN: Open your mouth a little wider when you speak and

always say “Your Majesty.”ALICE: I was just pretending, Your Majesty, and then—

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REd kINg: A likely story.whItE QuEEN: On the contrary, I think it’s rather unlikely, if you

ask me.REd QuEEN: No one asked you. (To the PAWNS, who are doing

nothing.) Children! Stop that. (Viciously.) Do you want to be sent to your rooms with chocolate pudding and ice cream? Do you?!

PAwNS: (Shake their heads no.) Yes.REd QuEEN: Then stop being so good! (They start to fight over

the book again.) That’s better.ALICE: This is Wonderland! It really does exist.REd kINg: Of course it does. The question is, do you?ALICE: Do I what?REd kINg: Do you exist?ALICE: Of course I do.ChESS PIECES: Prove it.ALICE: (At a loss.) Well, I... I...ChESS PIECES: Hmmm?REd kINg: Just as I thought. She’s not here.REd QuEEN: You don’t exist. Good-bye.whItE kINg: (As if ALICE was no longer there.) Where were we?whItE QuEEN: The children were fighting, dear.whItE kINg: Oh, yes. Children? (The PAWNS pick up the fight

from where the RED PAWN had stomped on the KING’S foot.)ALICE: How utterly rude! (Grabs the book from one of the PAWNS

as he/she runs by her.) If I don’t exist, then who is holding this book?!

ChESS PIECES: (They consider this, then ad lib responses such as the following.) Hmmm... good point. I can see her side of it. Could be.

REd kINg: (Concedes.) Okay, you can exist.ALICE: Thank you. What is this you’re all fighting about?REd kINg: It’s a book. (Takes book.) Don’t they have books where

you come from?ALICE: Yes.whItE QuEEN: Can you read, child?ALICE: Yes.

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REd kINg: How many languages?ALICE: Only one, I’m afraid.REd kINg: (Shoves the book in her face.) Is this the one you read?ALICE: Well, I can’t read anything if it’s that close to my nose. (He

puts it in her hands.) Thank you.REd kINg: Well?ALICE: Yes, I can read this.whItE kINg: You can?!whItE QuEEN: She can read! (Celebration from ALL. They echo

“She can read!”)ALICE: Of course I can. Would you like to hear it?whItE QuEEN: Oh, yes, please!ChESS PIECES: Do, do! Yes! Read, read, read!ALICE: It says...ChESS PIECES: (They ad lib encouragement.) Yes, yes... go on...

read, read, read! ALICE: Ykcowrebbaj. Sevot yhitils eht dna—REd QuEEN: (Group disappointment. They start to EXIT.) Oh, for

goodness sake!REd kINg: We can all do that, young lady! whItE kINg: Do you know what it means?ALICE: I’m afraid not.REd kINg: Then why didn’t you say so?ALICE: You didn’t ask me.REd kINg: Oh.whItE QuEEN: (To PAWNS.) Come along, children.REd QuEEN: You’ve been a great help. (Starts to EXIT again.

[NOTE: If the PAWNS are double-cast as FLOWERS, they should EXIT at this point in order to get ready for that scene.])

ALICE: Wait! I know what it is! ChESS PIECES: (Ad lib with sarcasm.) Yes, I’m sure you do. Oh,

yeah. Sure.ALICE: Wait! No, really, I do! It’s a looking glass book!REd kINg: What did you say it was?ALICE: A looking glass book! All the words are backwards! If I only

had a mirror.

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whItE QuEEN: (Holds up a mirror which she produces from her costume.) Mirror!

ALICE: How fortunate. See? In the mirror they all go the right way.whItE QuEEN: Goodness, she’s right.REd QuEEN: Let me see that.whItE kINg: May I?REd kINg: Well, somebody read it already! (MUSIC CUE 2:

“Jabberwocky.” ALL FOUR gather around ALICE and the book.)ALL ChESS PIECES: (Sing.) Jabberwocky, talky, talky,

Can you comprehend every word I’m sayin’?Jabberwocky, talky, talky,Rappin’ every syllable, swing ’n’ swayin’.

Jabberwocky, talky, talky,The rhythm of the syntax’s quite appealin’.Jabberwocky, talky, talky,A purely nonsensical, illogical, funky feelin’!

whItE kINg: (Speaks in rap style with maximum expression throughout.) ’Twas brillig, and the slithy tovesDid gyre and gimble in the wabe;

ChESS PIECES: (Speak in rhythm.) In the wabe!whItE QuEEN: (Speaks in rhythm.) All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.ChESS PIECES: (Speak in rhythm.) Outgrabe!REd kINg: (Speaks in rhythm.)

“You best beware the Jabberwock, my son!The jaws that bite and the claws that catch!”

REd QuEEN: (Speaks in rhythm.) “Best beware the Jubjub bird, and shun...”

ChESS PIECES: (Speak in rhythm.) And shun!REd QuEEN: (Speaks in rhythm.) “The frumious…ChESS PIECES: (Speak in rhythm.) Frumious…REd QuEEN: (Speaks in rhythm.) …Bandersnatch!”ChESS PIECES: (Speak in rhythm.) Oh, my!

(Sing.) Jabberwocky, talky, talky,Can you comprehend every word I’m sayin’?Jabberwocky, talky, talky,Rappin’ every syllable, swing ’n’ swayin’.

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whItE kINg: (Speaks in rhythm.) He took his vorpal sword in hand:Long time the manxome foe he sought—

whItE QuEEN: (Speaks in rhythm.) So rested by the Tumtum tree,And stood awhile in thought.

ChESS PIECES: (Speak in rhythm.) In thought! (At this the RED KING, bored, falls asleep.)

REd QuEEN: (Speaks in rhythm.) And, as in uffish thought he stood,The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,And burbled...

whItE QuEEN: Burbled?whItE kINg: Burbled?ALICE: Burbled?REd QuEEN: (Speaks in rhythm.) ...burbled as it came.ALL ChESS PIECES: (Sing.) Jabberwocky, talky, talky,



whItE QuEEN: (Speaks in rhythm.) One, two!ChESS PIECES: (Speak in rhythm.) One, two!whItE QuEEN: (Speaks in rhythm.) And through and through,

The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!whItE kINg: (Speaks in rhythm.) He left it dead, and with its head

He went galumphing back.ChESS PIECES: (Speak in rhythm.) Oh, yeah!REd QuEEN: (Speaks in rhythm.)

“And hast thou slain the jabberwock?Come to my arms, my beamish boy!Oh, frabjous day!”

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ChESS PIECES: (Speak in rhythm.) “Callooh! Callay!”REd QuEEN: (Speaks in rhythm.) He chortled in his joy.ChESS PIECES: (Speak in rhythm.) Right on! Right on!ALICE: (Takes the book and reads; speaks in rhythm.)

’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves,Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

ALL ChESS PIECES: (Speak in rhythm.) In the wabe!ALICE: (Speaks in rhythm.) All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.ChESS PIECES: (Speak in rhythm.) Outgrabe!ALICE: (Speaks in rhythm.)

“You best beware the jabberwock, my son!The jaws that bite and the claws that catch!You best beware the jubjub bird, and shun...”

ChESS PIECES: (Speak in rhythm.) And shun!ALICE: (Speaks in rhythm.) “The frumious…whItE QuEEN: (Speaks in rhythm.) Frumious...ALICE: (Speaks in rhythm.) Frumious...whItE kINg: Frumious?ALICE: (Speaks in rhythm.) Frumious!REd QuEEN: Frumious?!ALICE: (Speaks in rhythm.) …Bandersnatch!”ChESS PIECES: Bandersnatch?!ALICE: (Speaks in rhythm.) Bandersnatch!ChESS PIECES: Oh, my!ALICE/ChESS PIECES: (Sing.) Jabberwocky, talky, talky,


Jabberwocky, talky, talky,The rhythm of the syntax’s quite appealin’.Jabberwocky, talky, talky,A purely nonsensical, illogical, funky feelin’! (ALL except ALICE and the RED KING EXIT. The RED KING now remains asleep for the rest of the play. [Consult PRODUCTION NOTES.])

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ALICE: (Calls after them.) Oh, must you go? I should very much like to play a game with you before I go home! Oh, well... good-bye! Glad I could be of help. It was a great song! (To herself.) But it is rather hard to understand. What on earth is “Mome raths outgrabe”?

ROSE: (ENTERS with TIGER-LILY and DAISY.) Mome: adjective; means something along the lines of “very, very serious.” (In the original production, the FLOWERS ENTERED through traps in the floor of the STAGE, revealing only the upper halves of their bodies. They simultaneously flapped open the doors in answer to ALICE’S question. If traps are not an option, a similar effect can be obtained by having them appear in several windows with hinged doors on them which open out of the UPSTAGE wall of flats.)

tIgER-LILy: Rath is a kind of turtle.dAISy: And to outgrabe means “to squeak.”tIgER-LILy: So altogether, mome raths outgrabe means something

like “the very serious turtles squeaked.”dAISy: Mome raths outgrabe sounds much more fun, though, don’t

you think?ROSE: What’s the matter? Why don’t you speak?ALICE: I—I’ve never seen flowers that could talk before.tIgER-LILy: Before? Before what?ALICE: I mean at all. Can all flowers talk? dAISy: Of course they can.ROSE: When there’s anybody worth talking to.dAISy: Are you worth talking to?ROSE: Are you a weed?ALICE: That’s not a very nice question.ROSE: I’m not a very nice flower.tIgER-LILy: Both of you stop acting like buds!ALICE: Yes, if you don’t hold your tongues, I’ll pick you! (They

freeze in fright. ALICE whispers to TIGER-LILY.) I really wouldn’t pick them. I just wanted to scare them. Is everyone so rude in Wonderland?

tIgER-LILy: Not everyone, just the rude ones. (To FLOWERS.) See now? You made the little human angry!

ALICE: Alice.

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tIgER-LILy: What’s that?ALICE: My name is Alice.tIgER-LILy: You’ve made the little human Alice angry! Let that be

a lesson. Now... where are you off to, child?ALICE: I don’t know. I should very much like to find the chess

pieces again. I do love the game so. Maybe they would let me play. Wouldn’t that be fun?

ROSE: Ho, hum.ALICE: I wouldn’t even mind being a pawn.dAISy: We’re all pawns, darling.ALICE: Though, of course, I should really like to be a queen best.ROSE: Everyone wants to be the queen.tIgER-LILy: Close your petals, the both of you! You’re enough

to make one wither the way you go on. (To ALICE.) You’d like to be queen... well, that can be easily managed. But you must first speak to The Legal Regal Royal Majesty Herself. Trumpets! (MUSIC CUE 2a: “Trumpet Fanfare.”)

ROSE/dAISy: I hate when she does that!ANNOuNCER’S VOICE: Her Majesty the Red Queen!REd QuEEN: (ENTERS gloriously.) Who has summoned... moi?FLOwERS: (Points at ALICE accusingly.) She has. It was her. She

did.REd QuEEN: Silence! (To ALICE.) You’re still here. What do you

want with me?dAISy: She wants to be a queen, like you!ROSE: She wants to be in the game!dAISy: Think of that!ALICE: (Nervous.) I really don’t have the time.REd QuEEN: No one asked you the time, child.ALICE: No, I mean I have to be going home. I was supposed to

leave for somewhere five minutes ago. I really can’t be late.REd QuEEN: You can’t be late in Wonderland.ALICE: I can’t?REd QuEEN: No, if you were supposed to leave for somewhere

five minutes ago, over here that means you left for somewhere five minutes ago. Why, you’re already there!

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ALICE: But... but... I’m here.REd QuEEN: Yes, you are.ROSE: Yes, she is.dAISy: For now.REd QuEEN: So, make the best of it. Now, you say you want to

be a queen?ALICE: Well, I wouldn’t mind being a pawn, either. I really just want

to be in the game. dAISy: Oh, you’re in the game, dear.ROSE: We all are.REd QuEEN: Silence.ALICE: Though... I would love to be a queen.REd QuEEN: (Considers.) Yes, yes... most do.ALICE: They’re so beautiful. Like you.REd QuEEN: (Flattered.) Well, of course you might be able to

become a queen. I could possibly show you the way and tell you the rules, but you’ll have to do the rest on your own. And you’ll have to start out as a pawn, a white one—sorry, none of mine have been captured. You must earn your queenship.

ALICE: Of course. (MUSIC CUE 3: “Checkmate.” Other CHESS PIECES ENTER.)

REd QuEEN: (Speaks.) Now listen closely and I’ll explain how it’s done.(Sings.) You’re on the second square,You ain’t got a care.But if you wanna be a queen, be seen,You gotta make it to the eighth square.

It’s only then you’ll haveA-just a-what it takes.You can travel anywhere, I swear,When you make it to the eighth square!(Speaks.) You see, Alice, if you can make it to the eighth square you’ll be a queen and then you’ll be able to run anywhere and go any place you want! No “one-square-at-a-time” for queens! But the real object of the game is to take out the enemy king. When you have accomplished that you simply shout out… checkmate!

ALICE: (Speaks.) Checkmate?

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REd QuEEN: (Speaks.) That’s right. It means the king has been captured, game over!(Sings.) You gotta…

REd QuEEN/ChESS PIECES: (Sing.) Check, checkmate!REd QuEEN: (Sings.)

First you gotta slide your pieces ’cross the board.REd QuEEN/ChESS PIECES: (Sing.) Check, checkmate!REd QuEEN: (Sings.)

And if they block your way gotta use your sword!REd QuEEN/ChESS PIECES: (Sing.) Check, checkmate!REd QuEEN: (Sings.) Little by little gotta infiltrate!REd QuEEN/ChESS PIECES: (Sing.) Check, checkmate!REd QuEEN: (Sings.)

An’ if you wanna be queen, better not be late! (MUSIC continues under dialogue. Speaks.) Now pay attention. A pawn, you know, can move two squares on the first move, so you should find yourself in the fourth square in no time. Now that square belongs to Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee. Are you listening?

ALICE: (Speaks.) Yes, Your Majesty.REd QuEEN: Do you think it’s easy being a queen?ALICE: No.REd QuEEN: It isn’t! So listen closely. (ALICE steps forward, RED

QUEEN steps back.) Closer. (ALICE takes a step back.) Good. Now to continue…(Sings.) You gotta move them knightsYou gotta move them pawns,And when you’re in the nitty-gritty, and it ain’t lookin’ pretty, Gotta move on!

You better make your break, a little shimmy ’n’ shake.You’ll be a blue jean queen, I swear,When you make it to the eighth square!You gotta…

REd QuEEN/ChESS PIECES: (Sing.) Check, checkmate!REd QuEEN: (Sings.) You gotta run your enemies off the board.REd QuEEN/ChESS PIECES: (Sing.) Check, checkmate!REd QuEEN: (Sings.)

And if they won’t back off, gotta use that sword!

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REd QuEEN/ChESS PIECES: (Sing.) Check, checkmate!REd QuEEN: (Sings.) One by one you gotta dominate!REd QuEEN/ChESS PIECES: (Sing.) Check, checkmate!REd QuEEN: (Sings.) An’ if you wanna be queen, better not be

late! (Speaks.) The fifth square as everyone knows, is home to Humpty Dumpty, the sixth belongs to all the king’s men, the seventh square is… (Tries to remember.) The seventh square is… (Slaps her backside.) Well, slap my groove thing, I forgot what the seventh square is! Oh, well, it’s not important. Let’s move on…(Sings.) Now when you talk the talkAn’ when you walk the walk,You’ll be a-rollin’ and a-strollin’ on the castle grounds,The new chick on the block!

And then it’s fun and games,It won’t be the same.We’re gonna frolic every night, I swear,When you make it to the eighth square! (Speaks.) And you shall give all the orders and you shall make all the rules! And don’t you forget… If you want to be a queen, you must finish the game. If you can’t finish something, don’t start it! But above all, Alice, you must remember…(Sings.) You gotta…

REd QuEEN/ ChESS PIECES: (Sings.) Check, checkmate!ALICE: (Sings.) I gotta slide myself right ’cross the board!REd QuEEN/ChESS PIECES: (Sing.) Check, checkmate!ALICE: (Sings.) An’ if they block my way gotta use my sword!REd QuEEN/ChESS PIECES: (Sing.) Check, checkmate!ALICE: (Sings.) One by one I’m gonna subjugate!REd QuEEN/ChESS PIECES: (Sing.) Check, checkmate!REd QuEEN: (Sings.) So if you wanna be queen, better not be late!

(Speaks.) Bye-bye, everyone! (ALICE and CHESS PIECES say their good-byes and then watch amused as the RED QUEEN begins to EXIT. Raps as she heads towards the EXIT, DANCING comically. CHESS PIECES follow, also DANCING as they EXIT.)Good Golly! Miss Molly!I’m off my trolley!Gonna shake and bake, gonna dance and swing, Gonna shake my groovy groove thing!

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We got Alice…In the palace!Feel so good! Feel so fine!Wanna—Hah!—jump back and kiss myself! (The RED QUEEN strikes a sassy pose. Hold for applause then immediately into MUSIC CUE 3a: “Trumpet Fanfare,” during which she regains her regal composure and EXITS with nose in the air.)

ROSE: I hate when she does that.ALICE: Goodness, she’s a whirlwind. Do you think I can make it to

the eighth square?tIgER-LILy: It’s been done before.ALICE: I should get home soon, but it does sound so exciting!tIgER-LILy: It certainly does.ALICE: (She pauses a beat. Then she makes a decisive

announcement.) I shall have a look.FLOwERS: (Ad lib.) Oh, very good! Brave girl!tIgER-LILy: Stay where you are and I shall inform the proper

authorities.ALICE: Very well! Thanks for your help!tIgER-LILy: Good luck! Watch out for the Red Queen’s Knight!dAISy: Watch out for the Red Queen!ROSE: (Sarcastic.) Queen Alice?! (Laughs. The FLOWERS EXIT.)ALICE: Flowers that talk! What will I run into next? (Three PROPER

AUTHORITIES ENTER, making sure everything is... proper. Perhaps they measure out the squares, or have a compass, map, etc. They also pull on a large wheeled bin which will contain various costume pieces and props for the upcoming baseball scene. [NOTE: These same ACTORS can play the ANNOUNCER, CATCHER and UMP if desired.])

PROPER AuthORIty #1: Nothing too hard, I hope!PROPER AuthORIty #2: Is she the one?PROPER AuthORIty #1: Look at the map.PROPER AuthORIty #3: Yup, she’s the one! Fits the description!PROPER AuthORIty #1: Good.ALICE: Who are you?PROPER AuthORIty #1: We’re the proper authorities. Now, as

you know, you can move two squares on your first move... but which two?

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PROPER AuthORIty #2: And in what direction?PROPER AuthORIty #3: Every which way looks the same,

doesn’t it?PROPER AuthORIty #1: Which way is forward?ALL thREE: The choice is up to you.ALICE: Well, let’s see... (Points the four directions.) One, two,

three, four... That means I have one chance in four of being right no matter which way I go.

ALL thREE: Yes, yes.ALICE: That’s pretty good. (She closes her eyes, twirls, then stops

and points.) I say this way!ALL thREE: She says this way!PROPER AuthORIty #1: Good. Now, would you prefer to leap to

the fourth square or slide?PROPER AuthORIty #2: You can leap directly from two to four

and skip three altogether.PROPER AuthORIty #3: Or slide through and have a look-see

at three.ALL thREE: (Speaking all at once, they ad-lib comments such as

the following.) Well? What do you say? Quickly, now. What’ll it be?PROPER AuthORIty #1: If you slide you may wrinkle those lovely

clothes and muss up your hair a little.ALICE: I think I should still prefer to slide.ALL thREE: She’s a slider! (Cheers! MUSIC CUE 3b: “Take

Me Out to the Ball Game.” They open a bin containing baseball equipment and take out baseball caps and mitts, a plastic bat, a catcher’s mask, maybe a large broom to sweep the plate, etc. The PROPER AUTHORITIES position ALICE for the mock baseball game at the top of the square she is starting from. They put a cap on her and take positions themselves as the CATCHER, UMP and ANNOUNCER. Or, if EXTRAS are available, they can play the CATCHER, UMP, ANNOUNCER and FANS, if desired. The PITCHER can be played by an EXTRA or can be imaginary. Again, none of this is meant to be hidden from the AUDIENCE. All costume changes and location changes are seen by the audience and are part of ALICE’S story—they can be as zany and as fun as your imagination allows. As EVERYONE is getting the game set up, they ad lib: “She’s no batter!” “Put her away!” “He’s

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no catcher!“ And so on. If EXTRAS are available as FANS, they can do crowd reactions throughout the game, waving pennants, cheering, doing the “wave,” etc.)

ANNOuNCER: (ENTERS in the midst of the above action and stands DOWNSTAGE. As the ANNOUNCER narrates the game, the “BASEBALL PLAYERS” act out what he’s saying and the FANS react to it.) Next up at the plate is Alice! (Cheers or boos from the FANS.) Hitting for the Wonderland Gamesters. Bottom of the ninth, one out, no one on base—heeere’s the pitch! She lets it go by... it’s a strike! Two outs! The fans are not happy... the pressure is on. It’s her last chance. She’s taking her time... wiping her hands on her clothes... Okay, she’s ready now... heeere’s the pitch... a swing and a miss! Wait—wait! The catcher dropped the ball. He dropped the ball! She’s going! She’s running! She’s going to try and steal fourth! Here she comes... she’s sliding! Yes! Yes! I think she’s going to make it! I’ve never seen anything like it! She’s stealing home! (ALICE runs around the imaginary bases and slides into the same square she started from.)

uMP: Safe! (CROWD reactions. “Home” is now the fourth square. Again, this square will be used for ALL of the squares to come, i.e. fifth, sixth, seventh and eighth. The ACTORS, as indicated, will take circuitous routes but will always return ALICE back to the same square. Each time she does arrive, however, the square is called by its new number. It is important that the ACTOR who announces the number does so in a way that EVERYONE knows exactly which square ALICE is on. [NOTE: The original production also accented her arrival on each square with a SOUND and LIGHT effect and available ACTORS ad-libbing her arrival.])

CAtChER: She’s out by a mile!ALICE: I am not!uMP: I said she’s safe!CAtChER: You’re blind!uMP: You’re outta here! (EVERYONE who is available gets into

the argument.)uMP: Seventh inning stretch! (EVERYONE immediately stops

fighting and stretches. ALL very pleasant to each other.)VENdOR: (ENTERS.) Hot dogs! Getcha hot dogs! Peanuts!

Popcorn! Hot dogs!ALICE: Popcorn, please.VENdOR: (Hands her a bag of popcorn.) Hey, there, little lady,

that’s on me. Nice slide.

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ALICE: Why, thank you.VENdOR: Welcome to the fourth square! Hot dogs! Getcha hot

dogs! Peanuts! Popcorn! (MUSIC CUE 3c: “Take Me Out to the Ball Game—Reprise.” EVERYONE lines up, like players at the end of a high school game, and shakes hands with ALICE, congratulating her on arriving at the fourth square, ad-libbing appropriately. As they pass her, they EXIT. When she turns around after the last congratulations, she is alone. Besides her popcorn, she’s also left holding a pennant or wearing a baseball cap which someone has handed to her during the handshakes. HATTA ENTERS with a signpost. It has four messages: an arrow pointing to the right that says “TO TWEEDLE DUM’S HOUSE,” another arrow below it pointing in the same direction saying, “TO THE HOUSE OF TWEEDLE DEE,” below that another arrow pointing to the left which says “TO HOME” and beneath that, an arrow pointing both right and left that says, “YOU CHOOSE.” HATTA sets it down on the STAGE.)

ALICE: Hello.hAttA: Hello.ALICE: You look vaguely familiar.hAttA: I daresay, one can look vague or one can look familiar, but

I fail to see how one could look both at the same time.ALICE: Do I know you?hAttA: You do now.ALICE: I could swear we’ve met before.hAttA: Possibly. Possibly. I’m messenger to the king. Do you know

any kings?ALICE: Vaguely.hAttA: There’s that word again.ALICE: What’s that you have there?hAttA: Why, it’s a signpost, silly.ALICE: Well, I know that. (Reads.) “You choose”?hAttA: No, you choose.ALICE: What do I choose?hAttA: Your choice of course.ALICE: I choose my choice?hAttA: Well, that goes without saying.ALICE: What does?

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hAttA: You choose your choice.ALICE: Of course.hAttA: Exactly.ALICE: I choose to choose.hAttA: Of course.ALICE: But which course?hAttA: That’s your choice.ALICE: Of course.hAttA: Exactly. Ciao!ALICE: Chow?hAttA: Don’t mind if I do. (Takes ALICE’S popcorn left from the

baseball game and EXITS, leaving the signpost. [NOTE: If desired, HATTA can also take ALICE’S pennant or baseball cap.])

ALICE: (Studies the sign.) I really ought to be going home, I know. But then that should be the end of my adventures for the day. (Ponders the sign again.) What’s best to do? (She pauses a beat, then decides to continue.) I shall press on! (She turns and runs smack into DEE and DUM, who have timed their ENTRANCE to do so.) Oh, dear! Excuse! I—I didn’t see you. Are you—? Hello? Hello? Can you speak? (She examines them.) Hmm. Can you hear? Let’s see... (Reads their shirts.) What’s this? Dee and... Dum. I wonder if Tweedle is written on the back?

duM: If you think we’re statues, you ought to buy a ticket, you know!

ALICE: (Startled.) Oh!dEE: Contrary-wise, if you think we’re alive, you ought to speak!ALICE: I’m... I’m sure I’m very sorry. I’m on my way to the eighth

square, and I thought maybe you could tell me if I’m heading the right way. I’m going to be a queen.

dEE: Wrong!duM: You’ve begun all wrong! The first thing to do when you meet

someone for the first time is to say, “How d’ye do?” and shake hands.

dEE: Like this.duM: (To DEE.) How d’ye do? (DEE and DUM hug, then shake.)dEE: Now you try it.ALICE: How d’ye do? (DEE and DUM hug each other again and

extend opposite hands to ALICE.)

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duM: Now shake.dEE: Shake.ALICE: Shake? (ALICE shakes both their hands at once. They

dance in a circle singing “Here We Go ’Round the Mulberry Bush.”)

duM: (Breathes hard.) That’s enough for me.ALICE: I hope you’re not much tired.duM: Nohow!dEE: (Breathes hard.) Contrary-wise! But thank you very much for

asking.duM: Yes, so much obliged.ALICE: You’re welcome. Now, as I was asking, I’d very much like

to know how to get to the eighth square. Do you think you could help me?

bOth: Mmmmmaybe.ALICE: I really have to get home before dark, and it’s getting late

already. Could you please tell me? (DEE and DUM look at each other and grin. They fold their arms and refuse to answer, shaking their heads “no.”) Why, you’re acting like two school boys. Well... then I shall treat you like that. (Points at them as she speaks.) First boy!

duM: Nohow!ALICE: Next boy!dEE: Contrary-wise!duM: Do you like music?ALICE: Do you know where the eighth square is?duM: Do you like music?ALICE: Ye-es, pretty well—some music, that is.dEE: What shall I sing for her?duM: “The Walrus and the Carpenter.” You’re so good at it.dEE: Oh, stop.duM: No, you are.dEE: Thank you. You flatter me.duM: It’s true and you know it.dEE: I know… but only if you sing with me.duM: Oh, all right.

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ALICE: If this is going to take very long, could you please tell me first which direction—

dEE: (Starts to introduce song.) “The Walrus and the Carpenter”— (There is a NOISE. It is the RED KING snoring.)

ALICE: What’s that?duM: It’s nothing.dEE: (Again.) “The Walrus and the Carpenter”— (We hear the

NOISE again.)ALICE: There it is again.duM: No, it wasn’t.ALICE: Yes, it—dEE: (Abruptly.) Ignore it! (MUSIC CUE 4: “The Walrus and the

Carpenter.”) Now, where was I? Oh, yes…(Sings.) The Walrus and the Carpenter,Were walkin’, talkin’ ’long the sand.“O, Oysters, come and walk with us!Come on along and join us close at hand.”

duM: (Sings.) The oysters scurried, hurried up,They all were eager for a treat.Now this was odd because you know,Them teenie, weenie oysters had no feet!

dEE: (Sings.)You’ll be grinnin’ while you’re spinnin’ with Tweedle Dee!

duM: (Sings.) Rompin’ while you’re stompin’ with Tweedle Dum!dEE/duM: (Sing.) Swing a little, shake a little, dance with me,

To the chink-a, chank-a, chink-a, chank-a guitar strum!dEE: (Sings.) “The time had come,” the Walrus said,

“To talk of oh so many things;duM: (Sings.) Of shoes and ships and sealing wax,dEE/duM: (Sing.) Of cabbages and mighty royal kings!”dEE: (Sings.)

You’ll be groovin’ while you’re movin’ with Tweedle Dee!duM: (Sings.) Strollin’ while you’re rollin’ with Tweedle Dum!dEE/duM: (Sing.) Swing a little, shake a little, dance with me,

To the crash-boom-bim-bam, bangin ’ drum! (DANCE/INSTRUMENTAL INTERLUDE. DEE and DUM take turns dancing with ALICE.)

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dEE: (Sings.) “O Oysters,” said the Carpenter,“We’re happy that you all could come.

duM: (Sings.) Now, are you hungry? Shall we eat?”dEE/duM: (Sing.) When answer came there really wasn’t none.dEE: (Sings.) And this was scarcely odd, because,dEE/duM: (Sing.) They’d eaten everyone!dEE: (Sings.) You’ll be slidin’ while you’re glidin’ with Tweedle Dee!duM: (Sings.) Steppin’ while you’re schleppin’ with Tweedle Dum!dEE/duM: (Sing.) Swing a little, shake a little, dance with me,

To the chink-a, chank-a, chink-a, chank-a guitar strum!dEE/duM/ALICE: (Sing.)

You’ll be grinnin’ while you’re spinnin’ with Tweedle Dee!Rompin’ while you’re stompin’ with Tweedle Dum!Swing a little, shake a little, dance with me,To the chink-a, chank-a, chink-a, chank-a guitar strum! (ALL THREE DANCE to the end of MUSIC. Then a loud whisper on LAST CHORD.) Yeah! (MUSIC OUT. Again, the NOISE.)

ALICE: (Speaks.) There it is again.duM: (Speaks.) Oh, it’s only the Red King snoring.dEE: Does it all the time.duM: Sleeps half the day!dEE: Sleep, sleep, sleep.duM: Snore, snore, snore.dEE: Come, shall we have a look at him?duM: Let’s do!bOth: (They lead her over to where the RED KING is sleeping.)

This way. Over here. Watch your step.dEE: Here we go, now... shhh... don’t want to wake him.duM: Isn’t he a lovely sight?dEE: Fit to snore his head off!duM: He’s dreaming now.ALICE: What do you think he’s dreaming about?duM: Why, you don’t know?dEE: Why, he’s dreaming about you!duM: He’s dreaming you right now!

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dEE: Now, if he stopped dreaming you, then where do you think you’d be?

ALICE: Right where I am now.dEE: Contrary-wise! You’d be nowhere!duM: You’re only a thing in his dream!ALICE: That’s not true!dEE: Is too!ALICE: Is not!duM: If that there king was to wake, you’d go out—bang!dEE: Bang!duM: Just like that!ALICE: I would not! Besides, if I’m only a thing in his dream, then

what are you?duM: Ditto!dEE: Ditto, ditto!duM: If you don’t believe us, then why don’t you just wake him up.dEE: Yes, go ahead... wake him... and then, poof!duM: Poof!dEE: We’re all gone. Just like that!ALICE: Shh! You’ll wake him up.dEE: What do you care?duM: See? She doubts! You know very well you’re not real.ALICE: I am too!bOth: No, you’re not!ALICE: Yes, I am!bOth: Not!ALICE: Please, I really have to be going home. Could you—dEE: Good-bye, then. Make sure you write!duM: Write legibly. And don’t repeat yourself—dEE: Repeat yourself—duM: Repeat yourself—dEE: Repeat yourself. And never, never cross anything out!duM: Don’t eat the oysters! So long!dEE: Love to mother! (They EXIT.)

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ALICE: Well, they were no help at all. Which way now? I guess I’ll just keep on the same way I’ve been going. (A TRAIN CONDUCTOR ENTERS and stops her. [NOTE: The TRAIN CONDUCTOR might have a French accent.])

CONduCtOR: Ticket, please. (ALICE searches her pockets for a ticket. PASSENGERS ENTER and form a line behind ALICE. They are dressed like TOURISTS, most with cameras.) All aboard! All aboard for the fifth square! One stop only. Change there for the Queensburg Express. All aboard! Come on, kid, you’re holding up the line.

ALICE: Just a minute. I can’t seem to—CONduCtOR: All aboard for the fifth square! Have your tickets

ready! Last train leaving today! Express to Queensburg!tOuRIStS: (Ad lib. Annoyed.) Come on, already! I’m going to be

late! What’s the holdup?CONduCtOR: Look, kid—ALICE: I seem to have lost my ticket.CONduCtOR: (To TOURISTS in line.) She doesn’t have a ticket!tOuRIStS: End of the line.ALICE: But—tOuRIStS: End of the line!ALICE: Please... I have so little time before I have to be home.

Couldn’t you—CONduCtOR: Look, kid, I can’t make any exceptions. You’re not

special. I’ve heard you may not even exist! (TOURISTS react.) Everyone has to have a ticket.

ALICE: Well, where can I get one?tICkEt SELLER: (ENTERS. During ALICE’S exchange with the

TICKET SELLER, the line of TOURISTS silently continue to give their tickets to the CONDUCTOR and get “on the train.” This is simply a line behind the CONDUCTOR.) Get your tickets! Tickets, here! Get your tickets! One way or round trip to the fifth square!

ALICE: How fortunate!tICkEt SELLER: Tickets for sale!ALICE: One way to the fifth square, please. How much is it?tICkEt SELLER: How much you got?ALICE: Nothing.

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tICkEt SELLER: All righty! (Pulls out an enormous ticket.) There you go, miss. Have a nice trip.

ALICE: Heavens! That’s a big ticket. (She goes to the CONDUCTOR and hands it to him.) Here you go.

CONduCtOR: All aboard! (MUSIC CUE 5: “Ride the Choo Choo.” ALICE gets “on the train,” squeezing in amongst the tourists. Sings.) Ride the choo choo through Wonderland,Climb on board and find yourself a seat,On the choo choo through Wonderland,We got the train to make your trip complete. (As the “train” lurches forward it begins to travel in a big circle around the STAGE. This is done simply with the TOURISTS and ALICE in a line behind the CONDUCTOR moving in unison and circling their arms in the motion of a train’s wheels. [NOTE: The LATIN MUSIC makes the “train” suggest a “conga line.”]

CONduCtOR/tOuRIStS/ALICE: (Imitate sound of a train. Slow.) Choo choo choo choo!Choo choo choo choo!Choo choo choo choo!Choo choo!

(Grow faster.) Choo choo choo choo!Choo choo choo choo!Choo choo choo choo!Choo choo!

(And faster.) Choo choo choo choo!Choo choo choo choo!Choo choo choo choo!Choo choo!



(And faster still.) Choo choo choo choo!Choo choo choo choo!

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Choo choo choo choo!Choo choo!

(Sing.) Ride the choo choo through Wonderland,Rollin, rollin’, rollin’ down the track.We’re on the choo choo through Wonderland,Huffin’ puffin’ goes the chimney stack!

Choo, choo, choo!Choo, choo, choo!Choo, choo, choo!Choo, choo, choo!

(Sing.) Ride the choo choo through Wonderland,Clickety clack, click clack, go the wheels!We’re on the choo choo through Wonderland!Ten tons of rumblin’ tumblin’ movin’ steel!

PARt ONE: Choo choo choo!Choo choo choo!Choo choo choo!Choo choo choo!

PARt twO: Clickety clack!PARt ONE: Choo choo choo!PARt twO: Clickety clack!PARt ONE: Choo choo choo!PARt twO: Clickety clack!PARt ONE: Choo choo choo!PARt twO: Clickety clack!PARt ONE: Choo choo choo!PARt twO: Clickety clack!PARt thREE: Clang, clang!PARt ONE: Choo choo choo!PARt twO: Clickety clack!PARt thREE: Clang, clang!PARt ONE: Choo choo choo!PARt twO: Clickety clack!PARt thREE: Clang, clang!PARt ONE: Choo choo choo!

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PARt twO: Clickety clack!PARt thREE: Clang, clang! (The rhythm develops into a double

time feel. Repeat the following pattern SEVEN TIMES. [See MUSIC SCORE.])

PARt ONE: Shsss choo, choo, choo!PARt twO: Clickety-Clack!

Click Clack!Clang! Clang!Clang! Clang! (Then back to the original rhythmic pattern. Repeat pattern FIVE TIMES growing slower and slower)

PARt ONE: Choo, choo, choo!PARt twO: Clickety-clack!PARt thREE: Clang! Clang! (After the train has traveled in a large

circle right back to where it started, it lurches to a stop. NOTE: TRAIN EFFECTS are repeated until train comes to a stop.)

ALL: (Like steam as train stops.) Shsssssssssssssss! (MUSIC OUT. ALICE, CONDUCTOR and TOURISTS ALL take a big step in unison as if stepping “off” of the train. We are now in the fifth square. The TOURISTS become a tour group, with the CONDUCTOR leading the tour.)

CONduCtOR: Everyone off for the fifth square! (Optional flashing LIGHT and SOUND indicates arrival on the fifth square.) Now, to your right you can see the ancient ruins of the White King’s castle. Captured by a rook in the thirty-sixth move of the game. Please remember to stay with the group, everyone! (ALICE splits off from the GROUP. CONDUCTOR continues talking as he leads the TOUR GROUP OFF.) Further down the road we’ll be coming up to the spot where three knights and a bishop held a great battle to rescue the White King from check in the fifty-eighth move. (They are OUT.)

whItE QuEEN: (Runs IN. She has a shawl carelessly draped over her shoulders and a brush caught up in her tangled hair. She is a mess, breathless.) Oh! Excuse me, child. Are you all right?

ALICE: Yes, Your Majesty.whItE QuEEN: Very good, then. Where is my—?ALICE: (Helps her with her shawl, which keeps falling off.) Here

you are.whItE QuEEN: Oh, thank you.ALICE: Am I addressing the White Queen?

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whItE QuEEN: Well, yes, if you call that a-dressing. I’ve been a-dressing myself for the last two hours, and every single thing is crooked!

ALICE: Dear me, what a state your hair is in!whItE QuEEN: Oh, don’t I know it. My brush got tangled in it! And

I lost my comb!ALICE: (Untangles the brush from her hair.) Hold still a moment.

I’ll get it for you.whItE QuEEN: It’s been a day.ALICE: You look rather better already.whItE QuEEN: Do I? Really?ALICE: You look positively regal.whItE QuEEN: Thank you, I’m supposed to. Why, you must be

my new pawn.ALICE: Yes, I am. My name is Alice.whItE QuEEN: So very pleased to meet you, Alice. Why, you’ve

done rather well. You’re at the fifth square already. Three more and you’ll be a queen. If you don’t give up.

ALICE: Oh, I won’t give up. I never leave a game unfinished.whItE QuEEN: Good, it’s so hard by myself, and the Red Queen

can be so very testy at times. Oh, oh, oh! My finger’s bleeding! Oh!

ALICE: What’s the matter? Did you cut yourself?whItE QuEEN: No, no! Not yet! But I soon shall. Oh, oh, oh!ALICE: How do you know that?whItE QuEEN: It’s one of the troubles with living backwards, you

remember things before they happen. Oh, oh!ALICE: Living backwards? I’ve never heard of such a thing!whItE QuEEN: Yes, you have, I just told you. Oh! Oh!ALICE: You mean to say, you haven’t cut your finger yet?whItE QuEEN: No.ALICE: When do you expect to do it?whItE QuEEN: When I fasten my shawl again. See, there’s a pin

in it, and when I go to close it like this—ow! See, I told you. Now you understand the way things happen around here.

ALICE: It’s very hard to believe.

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whItE QuEEN: Is it? Try again. Draw a long breath and shut your eyes.

ALICE: All right.whItE QuEEN: Deep breaths... all right, do you believe it now?ALICE: No. It’s no use trying, I can’t believe impossible things.whItE QuEEN: I daresay you haven’t had much practice then.

Why, when I was your age, I believed impossible things for half an hour a day. Sometimes I believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. (MUSIC CUE 6: “Anything’s Possible.” MALE CHORUS ENTERS. Speaks.) You must remember, Alice. As impossible as things may seem, anything’s possible! (Sings.) Can a camel live in Alaska?

ALICE: (Speaks.) No.whItE QuEEN: (Sings.) Can a palm tree grow in Maine?ALICE: (Speaks.) Of course not.whItE QuEEN: (Sings.) Can a surfer surf in Nebraska,

Hangin’ ten down a country lane?ALICE: (Speaks.) I don’t think so.whItE QuEEN: (Sings.) Can you dig for clams in Montana?ALICE: (Speaks.) What?!whItE QuEEN: (Sings.) Can a cactus grow in Vermont?ALICE: No way!whItE QuEEN: (Sings.) I’m here to tell you it’s possible,

You can always dream what you want.whItE QuEEN: (Sings.) MALE ChORuS: (Sings.)

Anything’s possible! It’s possible, possible!Anything’s possible! It’s possible, possible!Close your eyes, dream with me. Ah! Ah! You’ll be amazed at what you’ll see! Ah! Sha na na na!

whItE QuEEN: (Sings.) MALE ChORuS: (Sings.)Anything’s possible It’s possible, possible!When you come to realize It’s possible, possible!

whItE QuEEN/MALE ChORuS: (Sing.)Any bridge is crossable, yes, it’s possible.

whItE QuEEN: (Sings.) Just trust in your heart!MALE ChORuS: (Sings.) Ah!

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whItE QuEEN/MALE ChORuS: (Sing.) Ah! (The following THREE PARTS are sung as a TRIO.)

whItE QuEEN: (Sings.) Can the moon come out in the daytime?Can the sun come out at night?Can you sing and dance on a rainbow,If you wish with all your might?

Can you ride the stars in the heavens?Can you sail upon a cloud?I tell you truly, it’s possible,If you only say it out loud.

MALE ChORuS I: (Sings.)Sha doo bee doo, doo wop sha wada wada!Sha doo bee doo, doo wop sha wada wada!Sha doo bee doo, doo wop sha wada wada!Sha doo bee doo, doo wop sha wada wada!

Sha doo bee doo, doo wop sha wada wada!Sha doo bee doo, doo wop sha wada wada!Ah!Bahp! Bahp! Bahp!

MALE ChORuS II: (Sings.)Sha doo bee doo, doo wop sha wada wada!Sha doo bee doo, doo wop sha wada wada!Sha doo bee doo, doo wop sha wada wada!Sha doo bee doo, doo ba doo ba doo ba doo ba!Sha doo bee doo, doo wop sha wada wada!Sha doo bee doo, doo wop sha wada wada!Ah!Bahp! Bahp! Bahp! (The following THREE PARTS are sung as TRIO. [NOTE: See optional high falsetto part in SCORE.])

whItE QuEEN: (Sings.) Anything’s possible! ALICE: (Sings.) Anything’s possible!whItE QuEEN: (Sings.) Anything’s possible! ALICE: (Sings.) Anything’s possible!whItE QuEEN: (Sings.) Close your eyes, dream with me,

You’ll be amazed at what you’ll see!MALE ChORuS I: (Sings.) It’s possible, possible!

It’s possible, possible!It’s possible, possible!Sha na na na!

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MALE ChORuS II: (Sings.)Sha doo bee doo, doo wop sha wada wada!Sha doo bee doo, doo wop sha wada wada!Sha doo bee doo, doo wop sha wada wada!Sha na na na! (The following THREE PARTS are again sung as a TRIO.)

whItE QuEEN: (Sings.) Anything’s possible!ALICE: (Sings.) Anything’s possible!whItE QuEEN/ALICE: (Sing.) When you come to realize,MALE ChORuS I: (Sings.) It’s possible, possible!

It’s possible, possible!MALE ChORuS II: (Sings.)

Sha doo bee doo, doo wop sha wada wada!Sha doo bee doo, doo wop sha wop!

ALL: (Sing.) Any bridge is crossable, yes, it’s possible,Just trust in your heart!Any bridge is crossable, yes, it’s possible,

whItE QuEEN/ALICE: (Sing.) Just trust in your heart!MALE ChORuS: (Sings.) Ah!ALL: (Sing.) Ah!

Just trust in your heart! (MUSIC OUT.)whItE QuEEN: Well, I must be off now to look after the king.

(Starts OFF.) He can’t move as well as I, you know. I’m constantly running around for him. (EXITS with MALE CHORUS.)

ALICE: (Calls after the WHITE QUEEN.) Am I going the right way? Your Majesty! (To self.) Goodness, how fast she moves. Well... whichever way I’m going, I’m meeting some very interesting people. (The TOUR GROUP comes back ON, still led by the CONDUCTOR. ALICE hides. The CONDUCTOR carries a sign that says “QUIET!”)

CONduCtOR: Please stay close, everyone. I don’t want to lose anyone else. Quiet, please. We’re entering a quiet zone. Now, next on the list of spots we’ll be visiting is the Great Wall. Mr. Dumpty has promised me that we could have a glance of him, if we promise to take no photos and that we all whisper in his presence. We’ll make a stop for refreshments now and meet again in ten minutes. Thank you. (CONDUCTOR places the sign down. They EXIT. ALICE sneaks across the STAGE.)

huMPty: (Pops up on top of a wall. He is dressed in western wear. [NOTE: In the original production, this “wall” was recessed in

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the upstage flat and pushed out as the TOUR GROUP exited. HUMPTY’S egg-like costume sat on the wall and had false legs that dangled over the front edge of it. The ACTOR stood behind the half wall, the upper half of his body in the upper half of the costume. When he first ENTERED behind the wall, he simply flipped the false legs over the front of it. This can also be accomplished with ENSEMBLE actors pushing on a half-wall with HUMPTY already perched atop it. The actor playing HUMPTY would walk sideways as the wall was pushed on. See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) Shhhh!

ALICE: What was that?huMPty: Shhh!!ALICE: Who’s shushing me? (HUMPTY points to the sign that says

“Quiet.”) Sorry. I didn’t see it.huMPty: Obviously.ALICE: Why, you’re—you—you’re Humpty Dumpty!huMPty: Obviously. What are you?ALICE: I’m a pawn. I can’t believe I’m actually talking to Humpty

Dumpty!huMPty: Yesss, well...ALICE: The Humpty Dumpty! How exactly like an egg you are!huMPty: It’s very provoking to be likened to an egg!ALICE: I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t know what that word means.huMPty: You don’t know what an egg is? Why did you call me

one, then?ALICE: No, the other word... provoking?huMPty: Provoking: adjective; that which angers or irritates. Shall

I be plain, young miss? It’s irritating to be likened to an egg!ALICE: I only said you looked like an egg, sir. And some eggs are

very, very pretty, you know.huMPty: And some people have such little, little sense, you know.

Now, state your name and your business.ALICE: My name is Alice.huMPty: It’s a stupid name enough! What does it mean?ALICE: Must a name mean something?huMPty: Of course it must. My name sounds like the shape I

am—and a good, handsome shape it is, too. With a name like yours, you might be any shape at all.

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ALICE: Why do you sit out here all alone?huMPty: Because there’s nobody with me! Ha! Did you think I

wouldn’t know the answer to that? Ask another.ALICE: Don’t you think you’d be safer on the ground?huMPty: What tremendously easy riddles you ask. Of course I

don’t think so! Why if ever I did fall off—which there’s no chance of, absolutely none at all—but if I did—if I did fall, the king has promised me with his very own mouth—

ALICE: To send all of his horses and all of his men.huMPty: Exactly so. I am one who has spoken to a King, I am.

And to show you I’m not proud, you may shake my hand.ALICE: (Shaking his hand.) What a beautiful tie!huMPty: Yes, I know. It’s a present from the White King and

Queen. They gave it to me for an un-birthday present.ALICE: I beg your pardon?huMPty: It’s not polite to beg.ALICE: No, I mean what is an un-birthday present?huMPty: Why, a present given when it isn’t your birthday, of

course.ALICE: I like birthday presents best.huMPty: No, you don’t.ALICE: Yes, I do. (They go on a bit: “I do.” “Don’t.” “Do.” “Don’t.”

etc.)huMPty: You don’t know what you’re talking about, child. How

many days are there in a year?ALICE: Three hundred sixty-five.huMPty: And how many birthdays do you have?ALICE: One.huMPty: And if you subtract one from three hundred sixty-five,

what remains?ALICE: Three hundred sixty-four.huMPty: Hmm... I’d rather see that done on paper. (He hands her

a small notebook and pencil.)ALICE: (Figures it for him and hands it back.) Very well... see?huMPty: Hmm... hmm... yes, that seems to be done right. Now, as

I was saying, there are three hundred sixty-four days when you might get un-birthday presents—

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ALICE: Yes.huMPty: And only one for birthday presents. I rest my case! Shall

I sing for you?ALICE: Actually, I really must be going. I was wondering if you could

tell me if this is the way to—huMPty: (Offended.) Sorry. Can’t do it. Good-bye.ALICE: Well, that’s rather sudden. (MUSIC CUE 6a: “Humpty

Dumpty.” Sees she has hurt his feelings. Speaks.) Oh, all right. If you must sing, then sing the song about you.

huMPty: Oh, paleese, not that again!ALICE: But I’m rather fond of that song…

(Sings.) Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,All the king’s horses and all the king’s men,Couldn’t put Humpty together again! (MUSIC OUT.)

huMPty: (Sarcastic.) Right! The truth of it is, I did get down off this wall once. (Quickly.) But I didn’t fall!

ALICE: You didn’t?huMPty: Absolutely not. You see it all grew out of a sense of

frustration.ALICE: Frustration?huMPty: That’s right! (Strikes a pose.) You try bein’ a fairytale

star, sittin’ up here year after year! And the worst of it is listening to children sing that ridiculous nursery rhyme over and over and over again! (MUSIC CUE 7: “I Was A Good Egg But Then I Done Went Bad.” Speaks in rhythm.) I had enough! Feelin’ tough!This egg was getting’ ready! Feelin’ rock steady!Gettin’ in the groove! Feelin’ mighty pumped! The fact of the matter is… I jumped!(Speaks.) I made up my mind, Alice. I was leaving this gig. I was gonna be a country star!

(Sings.) I been sittin’ on the wall, sittin’ up tall,Summer, fall, winter, spring, doin’ my thing.Year in, year out, you never heard me pout!Rain or shine I’d never whine.

I was an easy-goin’, zen-flowin’, meditatin’ right kinda dude.But I knew if I was gonna break loose, I’d need a new attitude.(Speaks in rhythm.) And then it hit me! Hit me!

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Reared right up and bit me!Had to change my occupationBefore I ended up in rehabilitation!That’s when I became…

(Sings.) A barnyard, two-steppin’ country-fried son-of-an-hen!A Nashville grad.I was a good egg, but then I done went bad!(Speaks.) Why, I can remember it like it was yesterday. Travelin’ on the bus with my manager, Colonel Omelet, my band the Nashville Egg Beaters and those gorgeous backup singers… The Dixie Chickens! (The DIXIE CHICKENS ENTER.)

huMPty: (Sings.) dIXIE ChICkENS: (Sing.)Yes, I been sittin’ on the wall, Cluck! Cluck!Sittin’ up tall, Doin’ my bid for every cute little kid. Cluck! Cluck! Some days I felt scrambled, Cluck! Cluck!Some days I felt poached, But my sense of dedication Cluck! Cluck!Was above reproach.

huMPty: (Sings.)I was an easy-goin’ zen-flowin’ meditatin’ right kinda dude.

dIXIE ChICkENS: (Sing.) He was a meditatin’ right kinda dude!huMPty: (Sings.) dIXIE ChICkENS: (Sing.)

But I knew if I was gonna break loose, Ah!I’d need a new attitude.

dIXIE ChICkENS: (Sing.) He’d need a new attitude!huMPty: (Speaks in rhythm.) And then it hit me!dIXIE ChICkENS: (A chicken squawk.) Pa-kaw!huMPty: (Speaks in rhythm.) Hit me!dIXIE ChICkENS: (Another chicken squawk.) Pa-kaw!huMPty: (Speaks in rhythm.) Reared right up and bit me!dIXIE ChICkENS: (Another chicken squawk.) Pa-kaw!huMPty: (Speaks in rhythm.) Had to change my situation

Before I ended up in rehabilitation!(Sings.) I was a…

huMPty/dIXIE ChICkENS: (Sing.)…Barnyard, two-steppin’, hard-boiled son-of-a-hen!

dIXIE ChICkENS: (Sing.) A Nashville grad!

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huMPty: (Sings.) I was a…huMPty/dIXIE ChICkENS: (Sing.) …Good egg!huMPty: (Sings.) But then I done went bad!dIXIE ChICkENS: (Sings.) But then he done went bad!huMPty: (Sings.) dIXIE ChICkENS: (Sing.)

I was a fine grade A! Organic all the way! Ah! Cluck! Cluck!You’d never hear me beg! I was a Ah!

huMPty/dIXIE ChICkENS: (Sing.) Egg’s egg!huMPty: (Sings.) dIXIE ChICkENS: (Sing.)

It weren’t no scam! It weren’t no joke! Ah! Cluck! Cluck!I was a huffin’ puffin’ Cluck!stud-muffin down to the yoke!(DANCE INTERLUDE. DIXIE CHICKENS may dance with AUDIENCE MEMBERS or have their own choreographed “Chicken Dance” while HUMPTY “grooves” on the wall.)

huMPty: (Speaks in rhythm.) And then it hit me!dIXIE ChICkENS: (A chicken squawk.) Pa-kaw!huMPty: (Speaks in rhythm.) Hit me!dIXIE ChICkENS: (Another chicken squawk.) Pa-kaw!huMPty: (Speaks in rhythm.) Reared right up and bit me!dIXIE ChICkENS: (Another chicken squawk.) Pa-kaw!huMPty: (Speaks in rhythm.) Had to change my occupation

Before I ended up in rehabilitation!I was a…

huMPty/dIXIE ChICkENS: (Sing.)…Barnyard, two-steppin’, country-fried, son-of-a-hen!

dIXIE ChICkENS: (Sing.) A Nashville grad!huMPty: (Sings.) I was a…huMPty/dIXIE ChICkENS: (Sing.) …Good egg!huMPty: (Sings.) But then I done went bad!dIXIE ChICkENS: (Sing.) But then he done went bad!huMPty: (Sings.) I was a…huMPty/dIXIE ChICkENS: (Sings.) …Good egg!huMPty: (Sings.) But then I done went bad!dIXIE ChICkENS: (Sing.) Cluck! Cluck! (MUSIC OUT. After one

measure pause.)

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huMPty: (Shouts.) One! Two! Three! Four! (MUSIC IN again. This is the DIXIE CHICKENS TRAVELING MUSIC. They EXIT.)

huMPty: (Speaks over MUSIC.) So you see, Alice, I’m not an over easy kinda guy! I’m as hard-boiled as they come! I made up my mind, Alice. I’m goin’ on the road again. I can see it now… (As if reading a marquee.) Wynona… Naomi… and Humpty! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! (MUSIC OUT. [NOTE: Use the names of any country stars you desire. For example, Waylon and Willie and Humpty, etc. Just be sure they are names that are well-known to the general public.])

CONduCtOR: (ENTERS with TOUR GROUP. Quietly.) This way, this way. Please remember, the use of recording devices and taking of photographs is strictly prohibited. (As soon as the TOUR GROUP sees HUMPTY, they scream and begin taking photographs, excited as if seeing a famous movie star. The flash bulbs startle HUMPTY. He complains, tells them to stop, shields his eyes from the flashes and falls backwards. [NOTE: The ACTOR, of course, doesn’t actually fall, as he is only in half of the costume. He manipulates the costume to look as if it totters and then rolls off the wall backwards.] As he does, EVERYONE panics and yells. They rush to help. If the “wall” has come out of a recessed portion of the upstage wall, it is pushed back in as ALL rush to see him. This also masks HUMPTY’S EXIT. If another element is used for this scene, it and HUMPTY can be carried and/or pushed off by the TOUR GROUP in the ensuing chaos of the moment. In this confusion and mayhem, ALARMS SOUND or possibly we hear the SOUND of an AMBULANCE. ALL except ALICE EXIT for help, calling for the king’s horses and the king’s men. ALICE runs in a big circle in the opposite direction that the train went and winds up back in the same position she started. She doesn’t realize that she is on the sixth square. As she steps on it, LIGHTS and SOUND indicate her arrival. She looks about, confused. HATTA runs ON, out of breath, and gives ALICE a note.)

ALICE: Why, hello, Hatta. What are you doing here?hAttA: Message from the king. Remember? I’m the king’s

messenger. Have you seen him by any chance?ALICE: No. (Reads note.) “You have just reached the sixth square.

Congratulations.” Oh! I’m on the sixth square! Only two to go!hAttA: (Unenthusiastically tosses confetti, toots a horn or twirls a

noise-maker, then runs OFF shouting.) Yea. Yea. Congratulations from the king. Yea.

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whItE kINg: (Runs ON, excited.) I’ve sent them all! Every last one of them! Did you happen to meet any of my soldiers, my dear, as you came through the wood? Did you?

ALICE: No.whItE kINg: Four thousand two hundred seven, that’s the exact

number!ALICE: No, sir.whItE kINg: Oh, well—between us—I couldn’t actually send all

the king’s horses and all the king’s men because... you see, I need some to protect the queen and myself from all the other kings’ horses and all the other kings’ men. You understand. Yes?

ALICE: Yes, sir.whItE kINg: Very good. Do be a dear, would you, and look down

the road for me? Tell me if you can see my messenger.ALICE: I don’t see anyone.whItE kINg: I’m not looking for anyone, I’m looking for my

messenger, Hatta. Do you see him?ALICE: I see nobody on the road.whItE kINg: Oh, if I only had your eyes! To be able to see nobody!

Why, it’s as much as I can do to see real people!ALICE: I see somebody now! (HATTA ENTERS, too out of breath

to speak.)whItE kINg: Are you all right, Hatta? What are you trying to

say? Speak up, man! You alarm me! I feel faint—give me a ham sandwich! (HATTA pulls some hay out of his bag and hands it to the WHITE KING. To ALICE.) Would you like some?

ALICE: No, thank you.hAttA: (Still panting.) There’s nothing but… hay left.whItE kINg: Hay, then! There’s nothing like eating hay when

you’re feeling faint. (To HATTA.) Here, try some. Good, yes? Feeling better? All right, then. Now, who did you pass on the road?

hAttA: Nobody.whItE kINg: Quite right, this young lady saw him too. So I would

assume that nobody walks slower than you.hAttA: I assure you, nobody walks faster than I do!whItE kINg: Well, if he did, then he would have been here

first. However, now that you’ve got your breath, tell me what’s happening in town.

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hAttA: (Whispers in WHITE KING’S ear.) They’re at it again.whItE kINg: Stop yelling!hAttA: (Yells.) They’re at it again!whItE kINg: Thank you.ALICE: Who are at it again?whItE kINg: Why, the Lion and the Unicorn.hAttA: Fighting for the crown.whItE kINg: For my crown, I might add, Idea! Idea! Let’s run

and see them! Follow me! (Starts to go OFF while reciting the following. HATTA and ALICE follow him.)The lion and the unicorn were fighting for the crown.The lion beat the unicorn all around the town.Some gave them white bread, some gave them brown.Some gave them chocolate cake and drummed them out of town. (They’re OUT. LIGHTS DIM. MUSIC CUE 7a: “Alice in Wonderland—Reprise.”)

tROubAdOuR: (ENTERS in a SPOTLIGHT. Sings.)Alice in Wonderland, Close your eyes and take my hand.You’ll find your NeverlandIs just a dream away!

A fairytale? A fantasy?A quite illusive mystery.All will surely come to passThrough the magic looking glass!

tROubAdOuR/bACkStAgE ChORuS: (Sing.) Alice in Wonderland, Your every wish is my command.You’ll come to understand, It’s a brand new day.It’s a brand new day!

tROubAdOuR: (Sings.) You’ll find your NeverlandIs just a dream away! (LIGHTS FADE to BLACK on TROUBADOUR.)

End of ACT ONEACT TWO

MUSIC CUE 8: “Entr’Acte.”AT RISE: After the intermission the WHITE KING, HATTA and ALICE come back ON, along with UNICORN and LION in mid-fight,

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a REFEREE and a CROWD OF ONLOOKERS surrounding them. ONLOOKERS are cheering one or the other and taking bets on the winner.whItE kINg: There they are! The lion and the unicorn!ALICE: Does the one that wins get the crown?whItE kINg: Dear me, no! What an idea! I surely hope not. Hatta,

go see how they’re getting on with the fight. (Crosses to CROWD.)hAttA: Very well, Your Majesty.whItE kINg: As long as they keep on fighting amongst themselves,

I’m safe.hAttA: (Returns to WHITE KING.) Each of them has been down

eighty-seven times.whItE kINg: Ten minutes allowed for refreshments! (This line is

echoed twice OFFSTAGE. Then we hear a LOUD CLANGING BELL like the ones used in boxing matches. The fight stops as the ONLOOKERS disperse. The WHITE QUEEN runs ON.)

ALICE: Look! Look! There goes the White Queen!whItE kINg: Hello, dear! (She waves as she continues across

and EXITS.)ALICE: How fast she can run!whItE kINg: Bye, dear! There’s somebody after her, no doubt.ALICE: Aren’t you going to run and help her?whItE kINg: No use, no use. I’d never catch her. I’m not allowed

to run, you know. One square at a time, as they say, just take each game one step at a time.

uNICORN: (Crosses to WHITE KING and threatens him.) I had the best of it this time.

whItE kINg: Oh, yes? Did you? The best of it?uNICORN: Yeeess… weren’t you watching?whItE kINg: Oh, yes! Watching—of course! A little—I mean, yes,

I was. Yes!uNICORN: (Notices ALICE with disgust.) What… is… that… thing…

there?hAttA: That is a human! We only found it today.uNICORN: I thought humans were only a thing of dreams. Is it

alive?hAttA: Certainly. It can talk.

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uNICORN: Talk, human.ALICE: I thought unicorns were only a thing of dreams.uNICORN: (Confidentially.) Well, now that we’ve seen each other...

if you believe in me, I’ll believe in you. What do you say?ALICE: If you like.uNICORN: It’s a bargain. (To WHITE KING.) Fetch out the

chocolate cake, man!whItE kINg: Certainly, certainly. We have it right here—no need

to get upset.uNICORN: I’m not upset. Would you like to see me upset? (LION

crosses to WHITE KING.)whItE kINg: Oh, no! No! I’ve got it here. (Frantic.) Hatta, the

cake! (HATTA pulls out hay.) The cake, man! (Sees LION.) Lion. Big Lion coming!

LION: (Of ALICE.) What… is… that… thing… there?uNICORN: You’ll never guess.LION: Don’t tell me. I love riddles.uNICORN: I won’t.LION: Are you edible? Vegetable or mineral?uNICORN: It’s a human!LION: I wanted to guess!uNICORN: Well, I told you. It’s a human! Ha!whItE kINg: Cake! We’re having cake! Can’t fight with cake in

your mouth!LION: Then give me a piece! And everyone sit down!whItE kINg: Well, now that you mention it, we do seem to be

having a little trouble.LION ANd uNICORN: Sit!whItE kINg: Very well. As you please. (He sits.) Sitting… sitting…

sat!LION: (Notices the WHITE KING’S crown.) Ooooh... look at that

crown!uNICORN: Mmmm... what a fight we might have for it right now!LION: Yeess... wouldn’t that be... something! (They prepare to fight.)hAttA: Found it! (Produces a plastic cake and a cake knife from

his bag.)

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ALICE: Hatta, quick, go and get the White Queen! (HATTA runs OFF, leaving the cake and knife with ALICE.)

whItE kINg: Give it to them, child, give it to them. Let them eat cake!

LION: First, a little cake, and then we fight for the crown!whItE kINg: Shouldn’t fight right after cake. Cramps, you know.

Better to wait an hour.uNICORN: Well, let’s fight first then and get it over with!LION: Fine with me!whItE kINg: No! Please! Help! (HATTA ENTERS with the WHITE

QUEEN and CHESS PIECES.)ALICE: This way, Your Majesty! Over here!whItE QuEEN: Backwards! (Meaning “Forward!”)whItE kINg: Good thinking, child! Rescue!ALICE: (LION takes the WHITE KING’S crown.) Leave him alone!LION: (Sees the cake knife.) She’s got a knife!ALICE: (Gestures to the crown.) Put it back!whItE QuEEN: Retreat! (WHITE QUEEN and CHESS PIECES

advance. MUSIC CUE 8a: “Trumpet Fanfare.” The WHITE QUEEN and ALICE rescue the WHITE KING’S crown and chase LION and UNICORN OFF. ALICE returns the crown to the WHITE KING.)

hAttA: Congratulations! You saved the day! Three cheers for Alice! (MUSIC CUE 9: “Hip, Hip Hooray!”)

whItE kINg: (Shouts.) Hip!ALL: (Shout.) Hooray, Hooray!whItE kINg: (Shouts.) Hip!ALL: (Shout.) Hooray, hooray!whItE kINg: (Shouts.) Hip!ALL: (Shout.) Hooray, hooray!whItE kINg: (Sings; melodramatic.)

She’s a girl who, simply said, is proud and brave.(Holds up ALICE’S hand with the cake knife still in it.)Fearlessly, with sword in hand she gave. Yes, this child of renown, single-handed saved the crown,She sent the enemy packing,Turned their whole world right side up!

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(Acts out the fight. Sings.) Heroically she fought them one by one!Stoically she had them on the run!She tangled and she fought, left them mangled and distraught!To this spunky little warrior, I do humbly raise my cup!(Starts with the cup up then lowers it to toast.)

hAttA: (Interrupts. Sings in a madcap country style.)To Alice! Oh, Alice!The girl done up and saved the day!To Alice! Oh, Alice!Hip, hip, hip, hooray!

hAttA/ChESS PIECES: (Except WHITE KING who is perturbed at the interruption. Sing.)To Alice! Oh, Alice!The girl done up and saved the day!To Alice! Oh, Alice!Hip, hip, hip, hooray!

whItE kINg: (Takes control. Speaks.) Hatta, please, restrain yourself!(Sings.) She’s a girl who’s shown the courage of her heart,Yes, her wisdom and her strength set her apart.In the moment of the fray, Alice never lost her way.No, she never let us down, indeed, she gave us back the crown!

hAttA: (Again interrupting, sings. WHITE KING rolls his eyes in frustration.) She’s Alice! Hey, Alice!You fought yer fight and saved the day!She’s Alice! Hey, Alice!Hip, hip, hip, hooray!

hAttA/ChESS PIECES: (Sing.) She’s Alice! Hey, Alice!You fought yer fight and saved the day!She’s Alice! Hey, Alice!Hip, hip, hip, hooray! (DANCE INTERLUDE: HOEDOWN. The WHITE KING throws his hands up as if to say, “What’s the use?” and merrily joins in. During the last chorus ALL except ALICE begin to EXIT. ALICE is in her own little world dancing DOWNSTAGE by herself and doesn’t notice they are leaving.)

hAttA/ChESS PIECES: (Sing.) She’s Alice! Oh, Alice!The girl done up and saved the day!To Alice! Oh, Alice!Hip, hip, hip, hooray!Alice saved the day!Hip, hip, hooray!

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(A shout.) Hooray! (ALL have EXITED by the last chord, leaving ALICE alone DOWNSTAGE. She doesn’t notice they are gone until she approaches the seventh square, which, again, is the very one she started out from. The LIGHTS SHIFT. They should be very different from anything we’ve seen before: darker, more dangerous. Possibly a suggestion of a forest. It is very quiet. We hear a taped voice. Possibly something creepy, like Hal’s voice in the movie “2001.”)

VOICE: You are about to enter the seventh square. Proceed at your own risk. I repeat, proceed at your own risk.

ALICE: This must be the forest the Red Queen spoke of. I don’t see anyone. (As ALICE steps on the seventh square, we hear a SIREN. Possibly like the dive bell for a submarine or a fire house or burglar alarm. The RED KNIGHT ENTERS, pretending to be riding a horse, or with a stick or broom between his legs using it as a hobby horse.)

REd kNIght: Ahoy! Ahoy there! Stop! Ahoy!ALICE: What’s this?REd kNIght: Ahoy! Check! You’re my prisoner! (He falls.)ALICE: Are you all right? REd kNIght: Oh, this stupid armor. One can’t even walk in it, let

alone run and capture someone. (She helps him up.) Thank you. Now, as I was saying, you’re my prisoner! I capture you in the name of the Red King and all his—

whItE kNIght: (ENTERS on pretend horse same as above. He wears glasses.) Ahoy! Ahoy! Check! (Falls. They help him up.) Thank you, young man. And you, child.

REd kNIght: Fix your helmet. whItE kNIght: (He does.) Ah, yes, thank you. How’s that?REd kNIght: Better.ALICE: Your glasses. whItE kNIght: (Fixes glasses.) Thank you. Very well, then.

(Adversaries again.) Ahoy! Check!REd kNIght: Ahoy, check yourself! She’s my prisoner!whItE kNIght: Yes, but I’ve come to rescue her!REd kNIght: (Overjoyed.) Well, we must fight for her then. (He

draws his sword.)whItE kNIght: Must we?

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REd kNIght: I’m afraid so.whItE kNIght: Very well, then. (Draws his sword. The swords

should look quite foolish. Perhaps plastic, wood or, as in the original production, plastic “Star Wars” light sabers.) You will observe the proper rules of battle, of course?

REd kNIght: I always do.whItE kNIght: Thank you.REd kNIght: You’re welcome. After you.whItE kNIght: No, please, after you. REd kNIght: No, you.whItE kNIght: I said you go first!REd kNIght: I’ll go when I want to!bOth: Ahhh! (They both strike the first blow at the same time. The

fight is very dramatic and very fake looking, like children fighting in slow motion, emoting whenever possible. The WHITE KNIGHT eventually gets the better of the RED KNIGHT.)

whItE kNIght: Beg for mercy!REd kNIght: Never!whItE kNIght: (Not speaking in the high language.) You can

stop now, I won. (Back to the high language; and the same throughout.) Beg for mercy!

REd kNIght: Never!whItE kNIght: Young man, if you don’t beg for mercy I shall have

to wallop your head off.REd kNIght: Wallop away!whItE kNIght: Look here, my little friend, I really don’t want to

hurt you.REd kNIght: Wallop! Wallop!ALICE: Oh, dear.whItE kNIght: Look, lad, the rules of engagement clearly state

that you must beg for mercy. All right? Good. Shall we have another go at it? Beg for mercy!

REd kNIght: Never!whItE kNIght: Oh, very well. (Lifts sword as if to strike him.)REd kNIght: Mercy!whItE kNIght: Okay. (Best of friends. Helps him up.) Watch your

step, there.

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REd kNIght: That was a good one, yes?whItE kNIght: Very.REd kNIght: What next?whItE kNIght: Well, you must now throw yourself on the mercy

of my queen-to-be, for it is she I fight for.REd kNIght: Gracious lady, I—whItE kNIght: Kneel.REd kNIght: (He does.) Gracious lady, I beg a boon.ALICE: Beg-a-boon?whItE kNIght: (Whispers to ALICE.) He’s asking you a favor.REd kNIght: Gracious lady, I beg a boon. Vanquished by your

champion—whItE kNIght: (To ALICE.) That’s me.REd kNIght: Vanquished by your champion, I beg mercy of your...

(WHITE KNIGHT whispers to him.) …of your almost royal self.whItE kNIght: Good. Very good.ALICE: (To WHITE KNIGHT.) What shall I say?whItE kNIght: You have the authority to say anything you like.ALICE: Arise, Knight... I forgive you. (To WHITE KNIGHT.) Was

that okay?whItE kNIght: Spoken like a true queen.REd kNIght: She has to send us on a quest now! I remember that!whItE kNIght: Yes, this is the best part. Now you get to command

us to do something for you. You have two champions now. (He kneels. Slaps the RED KNIGHT to kneel too.)

ALICE: I command you—well, if you like, I mean... it would be very nice if you—

whItE kNIght: Command, you have to command us.ALICE: I command you to lead me to the eighth square!whItE kNIght: (Hops up, on a mission.) Very good. Here we go.

(To RED KNIGHT.) Up with you, lad.ALICE: You know where it is?whItE kNIght: Of course I do. ALICE: Oh, how positively wonderful!

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whItE kNIght: (To RED KNIGHT.) Give a hand here, son. Come on, make yourself useful. (Takes out a runway carpet that has been hidden ONSTAGE, either under or behind some scenery element, and starts unrolling it, presumably leading to the eighth square.)

REd kNIght: (Under his breath.) Oh, sure, I’m doing all the dirty work.

whItE kNIght: Knights never complain! Rules of Chivalry, chapter 24, section nine.

ALICE: Where is the eighth square? Is it far?whItE kNIght: Oh, no. We’re very close. We shall see you to the

end of the wood, and then you’re on your own.ALICE: Might you do me a favor?REd kNIght: (Corrects her.) Beg a boon!ALICE: Might I beg a boon of you?whItE kNIght: Command me, future sovereign.ALICE: Might you stand guard at the end of the wood in case

anyone else tries to capture me? We are in the thick of the Red King’s territory at present.

whItE kNIght: It would be my honor. Good strategy. You sound more like a queen every minute. Now, right down there is the eighth square... a little hop and you’re home. And then... queendom for you.

ALICE: Thank you. Thank you so very much.whItE kNIght: Oh, it was nothing really, it was my move anyway.ALICE: (To RED KNIGHT.) And thank you, too! (He waves in reply.

She stands looking down the runway.) I don’t see anything.whItE kNIght: You can’t see it till you get there, milady.ALICE: Might not one of you go along with me?whItE kNIght: I’m sorry, milady, these last steps you must take

on your own. I’ve finished my move, you know. You’ll be fine. Only a few yards to go and then you’ll be a queen. A queen! (MUSIC CUE 10: “Step by Step.” Speaks.) My, my, you’ve grown up so fast. Why, just today you were only a pawn, and now look at you. Don’t be frightened. It’s your time now. (He and the RED KNIGHT stand at attention. She starts to go.)

ALICE: (Sings.) Right foot first, left foot then.Step by step, gotta keep moving.

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Head held high, finally on my way.It’s about sharing, it’s about caring.

Almost there, one more step,Can’t look back, gotta keep moving.Seems so long I’ve waited for this day.It’s about knowing, it’s about growing.

And so I wait and I wonder,What tomorrow holds for me,And though I may be deep in slumber,I know I’ll find my destiny.

I will be true, I will be loyal,Above all else I will be fair.And royalty will all agree,I’ve earned my square!Right foot first…

whItE kNIght/REd kNIght: (Sing.) You’re right on track.ALICE: (Sings.) Left foot then.whItE kNIght/REd kNIght: (Sing.) You’ve got the knack.ALICE: (Sings.) Step by step.whItE kNIght/REd kNIght: (Sing.) Don’t dare look back.ALICE/whItE kNIght/REd kNIght: (Sing.) Gotta keep moving.ALICE: (Sings.) Head held high.whItE kNIght/REd kNIght: (Sing.) You’re almost there.ALICE: (Sings.) Finally on my way.whItE kNIght/REd kNIght: (Sing.) Just one more square.ALICE: (Sings.) It’s about giving.ALICE/whItE kNIght/REd kNIght: (Sing.) It’s about living.ALICE: (Sings.) Someday I’ll wake…whItE kNIght/REd kNIght: (Sing.) Someday you’ll wake…ALICE: (Sings.) …and discover…whItE kNIght/REd kNIght: (Sing.) …and discover…ALICE: (Sings.) …I’m all grown up…whItE kNIght/REd kNIght: (Sing.) …you’re all grown up…ALICE: (Sings.) …and on my own.

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whItE kNIght/REd kNIght: (Sing.) …and on your own.ALICE: (Sings.) Just like a knight…whItE kNIght/REd kNIght: (Sing.) Just like a knight…ALICE: (Sings.) …in shining armor,whItE kNIght/REd kNIght: (Sing.) …in shining armor,ALICE: (Sings.) …I’ll forge into…whItE kNIght/REd kNIght: (Sing.) …you’ll forge into…ALICE/whItE kNIght/REd kNIght: (Sing.) …the great unknown.ALICE: (Sings.) I’ll be a queen, I’ll be a lady,

A regal woman of renown.And royalty will all agree,I’ve earned my crown.

whItE kNIght/REd kNIght: (Sing.) She’s earned her crown!ALICE: (Speaks.) Good-bye.REd kNIght: (Gently corrects her.) Farewell.ALICE: Farewell. (RED KNIGHT bows in response.)whItE kNIght: (Bows. Speaks.) Farewell, milady. (Rises. Softly.)

Farewell, child. (MUSIC OUT. ALICE stands looking down the runway. The end of the carpet should fall at the eighth square, which is the same one as she started out on. It looks a little foreboding to her. She walks slowly down it. She hesitates for a moment at the end of it... and then steps into the eighth square. As soon as she does, we hear joyous pandemonium. It is the crowning of Miss America! MUSIC CUE 10a: “The Pageant.” EVERYONE available rushes ON. Some carry roses and hand them to her. ANOTHER hangs a banner across her chest that reads “QUEEN.” Still ANOTHER places a crown upon her head.)

EMCEE: (With microphone in hand.) And the new queen for (insert appropriate year here) is Alice! (Joyous reactions.)

ALICE: Oh, thank you. Thank you! This is simply grand! Thank you all so much.

EMCEE: A few words for your public, Your Majesty?ALICE: Well—is this on? (Microphone static, feedback.) Oh, dear.EMCEE: Sorry. Sorry. Try it now.ALICE: Testing—hello? Testing.EMCEE: It’s fine. Go ahead.

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ALICE: Um... I don’t know what to say. I just want to thank everyone who has helped me along the way. There are so many... I couldn’t even begin to name them.

EMCEE: And what will you do now that you are queen?ALICE: (Very Miss America-like.) I promise to promote world peace

across the board, for all pieces, whether Red or White. I will insist that all games be played fair, and I will devote my free time to charitable works, encouraging all men and women alike to know that each and every one of them can make it to the eighth square of their dreams. (The RED QUEEN ENTERS and pulls the plug on the microphone. The mood ONSTAGE shifts instantly.)

whItE kINg: Uh, oh.ALICE: Oh. I didn’t see you.REd QuEEN: They never do.ALICE: I just arrived.REd QuEEN: Speak when you’re spoken to!ALICE: I’m a queen. You can’t speak to me like that.REd QuEEN: You can’t be a queen until you’ve passed the proper

examination.ALICE: Nobody told me anything about that!REd QuEEN: (Very nasty.) Oh, well, life’s just unfair, isn’t it, you

poor little thing.ALICE: No, but I think you are!REd QuEEN: (To WHITE QUEEN.) See that? A nasty, vicious

temper! Someone has skipped a few lessons in manners, haven’t they?

whItE QuEEN: Sorry, my child, it’s the rules. Now, question number one: Can you do addition?

REd QuEEN: (She has a stop watch and whistle. Speaks very quickly.) What’s one and one and one and... one and one and one and one and one and one and one?

ALICE: Um... uh—can you say that again?REd QuEEN: (Blows whistle.) Can’t do addition!whItE QuEEN: Question number two: Can you do subtraction?REd QuEEN: Take a dog from a bone.ALICE: Well, I—REd QuEEN: (Blows whistle!) She can’t do subtraction!

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whItE QuEEN: Do give her a chance, will you? Question number three: Can you divide?

REd QuEEN: Divide a loaf of bread by a knife!ALICE: I suppose—REd QuEEN: (Blows whistle!) Can’t do division either! Next section!whItE QuEEN: But she—REd QuEEN: Next section!whItE QuEEN: Now, think carefully. How is bread made?ALICE: I know that! You take some flour—REd QuEEN: Where do you pick the flower from?ALICE: It isn’t picked at all. It’s ground.whItE QuEEN: How many acres of ground? You mustn’t leave so

many things out if you want to pass.REd QuEEN: (Big whistle.) No coaching!!whItE QuEEN: (Her feelings terribly hurt.) Don’t let us quarrel.

Please. Please! I hate quarreling! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it... (Continues to sob.)

REd QuEEN: Oh, very well... she can be a queen. You pass. And now, I capture you in the name of the Red King! Check!

ALICE: What? You can’t do that!REd QuEEN: Oh, yes I can! Check!ALICE: Rescue! Rescue! (The RED QUEEN tries to take ALICE’S

crown, but the WHITE KNIGHT runs ON to save her.)whItE kNIght: Rescue, my queen! Rescue! Ahoy! Check!REd QuEEN: Ahh!REd kNIght: (ENTERS.) Ahoy! Check!REd QuEEN: (Aghast.) Traitor!whItE kNIght: (To ALICE.) Run! Run, my queen! You don’t have

to move one square at a time anymore! Run! Ahoy! Check!REd QuEEN: (Runs away.) Rescue! Rescue! (The KNIGHTS run

OFF after her.)ALICE: I can’t believe she tried that.whItE QuEEN: She usually does.ALICE: Let the fun and feasting begin!whItE QuEEN: Fun and feasting? Who said anything about that?

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ALICE: Why, the Red Queen did.whItE QuEEN: Oh, she’s such a kidder. There’s precious little

time for fun and feasting. You’ve got responsibilities now that you’re a queen.

ALICE: Responsibilities? (MUSIC CUE 11: “You Got Responsibility.”)EMCEE: (Speaks.) Ladies and gentleman, you’ve all heard of

them! You’ve all avoided them! The numerous! The inevitable! The undeniable! The Responsibilities! (The RESPONSIBILITIES ENTER. They are a gospel-style singing group. There is much cheering and clapping from ALL ONSTAGE. [NOTE: You may have as many or as few soloists as you desire.])

SOLOISt ONE: (Sings.)Now we got the power, people, come and see!

SOLOISt twO: (Sings.) Gonna take you to the land where we all are free!

SOLOISt thREE: (Sings.) You got to follow, follow, people, gotta follow, follow me…

SOLOISt FOuR: (Sings.) …to the land of sun and fun.ALL SOLOIStS: (Sing.) And possibility!ALL RESPONSIbILItIES: (Sing.) Wait! Wait!SOLOISt ONE: (Sings.) Whatcha doin’, my friend?

The kingdom’s fallin’ down, there’s disagreements to mend!SOLOISt twO: (Sings.)

The knights are needing armor, Humpty Dumpty’s a mess!Red Queen’s makin’ trouble, time to talk to the press!

ALL RESPONSIbILItIES: (Sing.)Bein’ queen ain’t easy as you think it might be.Hey, hey, babe, you got responsibility!Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

SOLOISt thREE: (Sings.)The bishop’s got the congregation ready to flee.The rose got up and ran off with the willow tree!

SOLOISt FOuR: (Sings.)They’re talkin’ and they’re squakin’ and they’re makin’ a fuss!The pawns are stealin’ hubcaps, better listen to us!

ALL RESPONSIbILItIES: (Sing.)Bein’ queen ain’t easy as you think it might be.Hey, hey, babe, you got responsibility!

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RESPONSIbILItIES/ChESS PIECES: (Sing.)Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

SOLOISt ONE: (Sings.) The lion beat the unicorn around the town!SOLOISt twO: (Sings.)

They’re fightin’ and they’re bitin’ ’cause they want that crown!SOLOISt thREE: (Sings.)

The daisy mugged the brothers, Tweedle Dum and Dee!SOLOISt FOuR: (Sings.)

He tied ’em up and covered them with…(Speaks.) ...graffiti?

ALL RESPONSIbILItIES: (Sing.)You gotta act, you gotta choose, decide and decree!Hey, hey, babe, you got responsibility!You gotta make decisions and make ’em sound!That’s your job now when you wear that crown!

They’ll be no time for crumpets, no time for tea!Hey, hey, babe, you got responsibility! (This last section should be as wild and crazy as you can make it. Lots of dancing, throwing arms up in the air, hand-clapping, running up and down the aisle of the theater if you desire. If you have any gymnasts in your cast use them to your advantage. Hand springs, back flips, cartwheels etc., will add to the excitement.)

RESPONSIbILItIES/ChESS PIECES: (Sing.)Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!Hey there, Alice, girl, you got responsibil i ty! (Segue to MUSIC CUE 11a: “You Got Responsibility—Exit Music.” The RESPONSIBILITIES EXIT amidst much hoopla, applause and cheering from ONSTAGE ACTORS. MUSIC OUT. The CROWD closes in on ALICE, begging her for favors, asking her questions, making complaints about the kingdom. It is all too much for ALICE, and she tries to get away from them. They follow her. During this, two ACTORS ENTER with a large door. This can be a lightweight frame with a thin wood or cardboard door, or just a door. The RED QUEEN ENTERS with them, staying behind the door. They stand it on the stage and remain holding it up. There is a small window three quarters of the way up the door which can be opened from the back side of it. ALICE, seeing the door, rushes to it. EMCEE and CONDUCTOR act like reporters. OTHERS ad-lib like an unruly crowd.)

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ALICE: Open up! Open the door!EMCEE: What’s your position on child care for pawns?ALICE: No comment.CONduCtOR: Is Mr. Dumpty covered by the new health plan?ALICE: No comment.EMCEE: What about violence in our streets?CONduCtOR: The lion? The unicorn?ALICE: No comment. No comment! Open the door!REd QuEEN: (Opens the little window in the door.) Nope. (Slams

it.)whItE QuEEN: But, dear, this is your responsibility now.ALICE: Take their names. Open the door!REd QuEEN: (Opens the little window again.) The people have a

right to know! (Closes it.)ALL: Yes! Yes, we do! It’s our right! (They continue ad-libbing.)ALICE: People! Just—one at a time! Everyone will get a chance

to speak. Please, if you would just—one at a time! (Nasty.) I command everyone to be quiet! Now! (Offended crowd reactions: “She didn’t have to yell.” “I was just asking.” “You don’t have to be mean,” etc.)

REd QuEEN: (Opens the actual large door to let the people “in.”) What did I tell you about her? Nasty, vicious temper.

ALICE: I am not nasty! No one will listen to me!REd QuEEN: (To CROWD.) Poor dears, come on in. (They “enter”

through the door frame and then ACTORS carry it OFF. GUESTS stand in a line or sit on the STAGE floor, shoulder to shoulder as if at a banquet table.)

whItE QuEEN: (Tries to keep things under control.) Shall we have some refreshments?

whItE kINg: Oh, good. Yes!whItE QuEEN: (Produces a plastic champagne glass or paper

cup.) I would like to make a toast to welcome our newest queen... Alice! (No one toasts.) I said to our newest queen. (To RED QUEEN.) After all, we must be good losers as well as good winners now. Yes?

whItE kINg: Bring out the turkey! (An ACTOR from OFFSTAGE quickly brings on the turkey. It is a paper, fold up turkey on a plastic lunch tray.)

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ALICE: Well, this is a little better.REd QuEEN: You look a little shy, let me introduce you. Turkey,

Alice. Alice, turkey.ALICE: (To RED QUEEN.) Thank you. Would you like a slice?REd QuEEN: It isn’t polite to slice up somebody you’ve been

introduced to. Remove the turkey!ALICE: But—whItE kINg: Bring out the chocolate pudding! (Another ACTOR

from OFFSTAGE quickly runs ON with the pudding.) ALICE: Please don’t introduce me to the pudding, I do love it so.REd QuEEN: (Quickly.) Pudding, Alice. Alice, pudding. Remove

the pudding! whItE kINg: I like pudding.CONduCtOR: So do I.EMCEE/REd kNIght: So do we!ALICE: Bring back the pudding! (To RED QUEEN.) I’m a queen

too, you know.REd QuEEN: Remove the pudding! I’m a bigger queen!CROwd: We want pudding!ALICE: Bring back the pudding! I’m in command now!REd QuEEN: Who told you that?ALICE: You did! You said when I was queen I could give the orders!REd QuEEN: Well, I lied! What do you think of that?ALICE: (Really angry.) That’s not fair! (CROWD reacts. ACTORS

take up their respective sides. Some agree with RED QUEEN. The rest agree and sympathize with ALICE.)

REd QuEEN: Look at her—unfit to be a queen.ALICE: I’m not unfit! I followed the rules!REd QuEEN: And you think you deserve something for that? You

think life owes you something? Silly child, you don’t deserve to wear that crown! (Starts for the crown.)

ALICE: Leave me alone!whItE QuEEN: (Moves in to help.) This really isn’t very fair.REd QuEEN: Do shut up, darling!whItE QuEEN: (Everything on stage stops suddenly.) What did

you say?

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REd QuEEN: You heard me.whItE QuEEN: (Advances on RED QUEEN. A drastic shift in her

usually demure demeanor.) Hey, I’ve had just about enough out of you!

REd QuEEN: Don’t you touch me!whItE kNIght: (To WHITE QUEEN.) Your majesty—whItE QuEEN: (Really angry now.) Back off! Everybody just

back off!ALICE: Please! Don’t fight! Please—whItE QuEEN: (To RED QUEEN, raises fists to fight. Street tough

now.) What, you want a piece of this? Huh? (They begin to circle each other.) Is that what you want?

REd QuEEN: Don’t touch me!whItE QuEEN: Don’t tell me what to do!REd QuEEN: Don’t touch me! Somebody get that crown!whItE QuEEN: Over my dead body!REd QuEEN: Get the crown or you’ll all answer to me! (WHITE

QUEEN and RED QUEEN fight. OTHERS try to break it up, encourage it, stay out of the way or chase after ALICE for the crown.)

ALICE: Please stop it! All of you just stop it!CROwd: We want pudding!REd QuEEN: (Indicates ALICE’S crown.) Get it!whItE QuEEN: Leave it!ALICE: Everyone, stop! You’re acting like a bunch of children!

Somebody’s going to get hurt! Please! (During the fight the RED KING has woken up. If the sliding drawer in the UPSTAGE wall is used, the ACTOR has positioned himself back in it by this time and pushes it open. He stretches, yawns and wanders through the melee. As EACH PERSON notices him, they stop and stare until ALL ONSTAGE are absolutely still. He passes by ALICE.)

REd kINg: Not so easy being a queen, is it? (Continues on by and EXITS. ALL look after him. A beat. ALICE looks back at EVERYONE. A beat. The fight resumes right where it left off.)

ALL: Ahhh!ALICE: You’re acting like a bunch of children! Somebody’s going

to get hurt! Please!REd QuEEN: The crown! Someone get the crown!

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CONduCtOR: The pudding! Someone get the pudding!ALICE: Oh, for goodness sake, if you’re going to act like this, I

don’t want to play anymore! Take it! Take it! I don’t want your stupid crown! (She takes her crown off and throws it to the floor. MUSIC CUE 11b: “Through The Looking Glass.” As soon as the crown hits, we immediately start to transform back through the Looking Glass. Same LIGHT and SOUND EFFECTS as at the first transformation scene at the top of the play. Same kind of whirlwind movement by the ACTORS as if they are being blown or pulled about the STAGE. During this, they either EXIT, clearing the STAGE of anything that needs to be struck, or EXIT to grab the armchair, Kitty, red book and table with chessboard on it that need to be re-set. The set pieces are danced/twirled back on just as they were taken off in the beginning. LIGHTS, SOUND and ad-libbing continuing until the change is complete. ALL ad-lib: “What’s going on?” “Help!,” the distorted calls of “Alice?” as in the first transformation changes back to just a voice OFFSTAGE after we return. Dialogue between ALICE and MOTHER’S VOICE continues during transformation. We’re back where we started, with ALICE in chair, chessboard and Kitty.)

ALICE: Help!MOthER’S VOICE: (Distorted.) Alice!ALICE: I’m over here!MOthER’S VOICE: Alice, where are you?ALICE: I’m over here!MOthER’S VOICE: (Back to normal.) Alice, are you ready yet?ALICE: What?MOthER’S VOICE: We’re leaving in five minutes.ALICE: Okay! (MUSIC OUT. Beat.) What in the world was all that?

Kitty? Kitty, where are you? Oh, there you are. Goodness, you gave me a fright. Kitty, I just had the most remarkable dream! I mean, I think it was a dream. It must have been. I was a queen! And there was a unicorn! And knights in armor! And flowers that talked! And—oh… of course, it could have been the Red King’s dream… Well, I had fun no matter whose dream it was. It’s a shame you couldn’t see it, Kitty. I met such very interesting people, and I made it all the way to the eighth square! Though to be honest with you, it wasn’t all that much fun once I got there. No, I much preferred the adventures along the way. (Beat. MUSIC CUE 12: “Was It All Just a Dream?” Speaks.) It all seemed so real, Kitty… I wonder…

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(Sings.) Was it all just a dream,A fanciful illusion?Has it all been a scheme,To help me grow and see?

Why worry where the path might end?What matters is the journey.I’d live it over once againNow that I’ve learned how to play.

Was it all just a dream,A wonderland of wonders?Has it all been a scheme,A life-long test for me?

To all the friends who were so kind,I thank you for your wisdom.You never let me fall behind,Thank you for showing the way.

Was it all just a dream?Was it all just a dream?Was it all just a dream?

MOthER’S VOICE: (Speaks.) Alice?ALICE: (Speaks.) Coming! (She EXITS running. The two ACTORS

holding the Looking Glass frame at the top of the play secretly ENTER ALICE’S domain. ALL the CITIZENS of Wonderland begin filing through the frame into ALICE’S world. The WHITE QUEEN carries ALICE’S crown, which should not be revealed to the AUDIENCE at this time. They sing as they ENTER.)

ENSEMbLE: (Except ALICE; sing.) Someday you’ll wake up and discover,You’re all grown up and on your own.Just like a knight in shining armor,You’ll forge into the great unknown.

You’ll be a queen, you’ll be a lady,A regal woman of renown,And royalty will all agree,

whItE QuEEN/REd QuEEN: (Sing.) You’ve earned your crown! (WHITE QUEEN places the crown on the chair.)

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ALL OthERS: (Sing.) You’ve earned your crown! (The CITIZENS begin EXITING back through the Looking Glass, back to Wonderland, as the LIGHTS SLOWLY FADE, leaving only a TIGHT SPOT on the crown. CURTAIN. COMPANY prepares for CURTAIN CALL.)

END OF MUSICALMUSIC CUE 13: “Curtain Call.” Direct segue to MUSIC CUE 13a:

“Alice in Wonderland—Epilogue.”ENSEMbLE: (Sings.) Alice in Wonderland,

Close your eyes and take my hand.You’ll find your NeverlandIs just a dream away!

A fairytale? A fantasy?A quite illusive mystery.All will surely come to passThrough the magic looking glass!

Alice in Wonderland, Your every wish is our command.You’ll come to understand, It’s a brand new day.It’s a brand new day!

tROubAdOuR: (Sings.) You’ll find your NeverlandIs just a dream away! (Final bows.)

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PROduCtION NOtES

PROPERTIESONSTAGE, Prologue: Large armchair on casters, small table (with or without casters) with a large chessboard (the chessboard should match the design on the stage floor if there is one) and slightly oversized chess pieces on it, stuffed kitten, red book.BROUGHT ON, Prologue: Lute or guitar (TROUBADOUR).BROUGHT ON, Wonderland, First Square: Red book (WHITE PAWN); measuring tape, binoculars, magnifying glass, and other measuring devices (RED and WHITE PAWNS, KNIGHTS, etc.); notebook and pencil (WHITE KING); hand mirror (WHITE QUEEN), opera glasses (WHITE QUEEN).BROUGHT ON, Second Square: Measuring devices, compass, map, wheeled bin containing baseball equipment: mitts, caps, plastic bat, catcher’s mask and pads, umpire’s mask and pads, pennants, large hand broom to sweep the plate (PROPER AUTHORITIES); vendor cart or tray with foil-wrapped “hot dogs” and bag of real popcorn (VENDOR).BROUGHT ON, Fourth Square: Signpost (HATTA); cameras (TOURISTS); enormous ticket (TICKET SELLER).BROUGHT ON, Fifth Square: Shawl, brush (WHITE QUEEN); sign reading “Quiet,” small notebook and pencil (HUMPTY).BROUGHT ON, Sixth Square: Note, confetti, party horn or noise-maker, bag containing hay, plastic cake and cake knife (HATTA); confetti or flags (WHITE KNIGHT and PAWNS), drum, flute or other miscellaneous instruments; lute or guitar (TROUBADOUR).ONSTAGE, Seventh Square: Runway carpet (hidden until brought out by WHITE KNIGHT).BROUGHT ON, Eighth Square: Bells, roses, banner reading “Queen,” crown (VARIOUS CHARACTERS); microphone with cord (EMCEE); stop watch and whistle (RED QUEEN); champagne glass or Dixie cup (WHITE QUEEN); paper fold-out turkey on tray, “chocolate pudding”, door frame or door, (WHOEVER IS AVAILABLE).

SOUND EFFECTS[NOTE: If using pre-recorded music for production, some sound effects are included.] First Square: trumpets blare; Fifth Square: alarms sound or ambulance siren; Sixth Square: loud clanging bell; Seventh Square: siren. In addition, the transformation in and out of Wonderland should be accompanied by some sound effects.

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They can be magical sounds or a combination of the sounds listed above—a sort of chaotic cacophony of noises which lasts until the transformation is complete. Upon entering Wonderland, there should be a distorted sound of shattering of glass or a loud chime. Also, the progression to each new square should be accented with some sort of sound effect.

COSTUMESThe original production used a uniform costume (i.e. jumpsuits, or overalls, or identical jeans and sweatshirts, etc.) as the base costume of the ENSEMBLE. Another production had the ENSEMBLE and ALICE in camouflaged hunting pants, Army boots and wild colored sweatshirts, making the play have a very contemporary look from the very beginning. To this they added costumes pieces as they were needed. Most of these changes are done in view of the audience. For many of the smaller characters, only small additions are necessary. For example: the CONDUCTOR can be as simple as a conductor’s hat; TOURISTS can simply have cameras, sunglasses and flowered Hawaiian shirts; PROPER AUTHORITIES could just have police hats and badges; THE RESPONSIBILITIES can have mirrored sunglasses and matching jackets of some sort. These should all have the look of being pulled out of a trunk—and they actually can be pulled out of a trunk. The larger characters can be costumed simply or more substantially. Some suggestions: ALICE: Can be traditional or take on a more contemporary look to match the style of the play. Don’t be afraid to try something new and original here.CHESS PIECES: These can simply be appropriately colored T-shirts and hats denoting their rank, or they can be more fully costumed. They can actually look like chess pieces, or look more like real kings and queens, or look like what a child would dress up like if they were to play a king and queen. One production costumed the WHITE QUEEN in a wedding dress and tiara, and the RED QUEEN in a red evening gown. Another production had the QUEENS in appropriately colored business suits and the KNIGHTS in military uniforms with sashes of red or white delineating their alliance. It’s open to many possibilities. The main thing is to clearly denote everyone’s color and rank.FLOWERS: The original production created head pieces with huge petals extending from them. They also had petals around their wrists.UMP: Wears a chest protector and baseball cap backwards.CATCHER: Catcher’s mask and baseball glove.

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HATTA: Should have a substantial amount of white on him as he is the messenger for the WHITE KING. The original production costumed him much like the Mad Hatter. Another production costumed him like a UPS delivery man, another as a mailman.TWEEDLE DUM and TWEEDLE DEE: Corpulent and identical. Have a ball with these two.HUMPTY DUMPTY: Wears a western-style bolo tie, an over-sized cowboy hat and cowboy boots on his fake legs. One production simply pulled the actor’s sweatshirt up over his head so that the collar ringed tightly around his face—his face was still visible. He then held a large egg in his hands. LION AND UNICORN: Headpieces of some sort to distinguish them. One production simply had a party hat for the UNICORN and the head of a mop tied to the LION’S head as a mane. Another production had more elaborate head pieces built. They can also wear boxing gloves when we first see them, if so desired.THE KNIGHTS: The original production used plastic helmets from a children’s store (which were intentionally too small for the actors), and they rode in with brooms between their legs like hobby horses. The WHITE KNIGHT wears glasses as well as a helmet. Both KNIGHTS wear swords in scabbards. A nice touch would be plastic light sabers instead of swords.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGMany of the parts may be double-cast (or more). One possible combination for multiple casting is as follows: WHITE QUEEN/TWEEDLE DEE/MOTHER’S VOICE/PROPER AUTHORITY #1/UMPIRERED QUEEN/TWEEDLE DUM/TOURISTTIGER-LILY/UNICORN/TICKET SELLER/EMCEE/RESPONSIBILITYRED KING/HATTAWHITE KNIGHT/HUMPTY DUMPTY/PROPER AUTHORITY #2/ANNOUNCER/ RESPONSIBILITYRED KNIGHT/DAISY/VENDOR/RESPONSIBILITY/TOURISTWHITE KING/PROPER AUTHORITY #3/CATCHER/TOURISTROSE/LION/CONDUCTOR/RESPONSIBILITYChildren or other extras as PAWNS

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ALICE’S PROGRESSION THROUGH THE SQUARESThere are a number of times in the play where Alice makes the decision to continue her adventure. Each time should be highlighted in some way. The script indicates some possibilities. This is, of course, wide open to the imagination of director and actors. The ensemble, as storytellers, is free to cheer Alice on, or be disappointed when she wants to go home. Sound cues can be added to punctuate Alice’s decisions to go forward. Each new square should also be highlighted in some way upon her arrival, either with lights, sound or action on stage. The ensemble can all yell the number of the square as she steps on it, they can enter with signs with the number of the square written on it, blow party horns, or ad-lib appropriately such as “She’s made it! Another square! Only two more to go! Alice!” etc. Again, it should all have a zany, improvisational feel to it and it doesn’t need big production values. It’s important that we track Alice’s progress through the game and that the Eighth Square be the biggest event other than the transformations in and out of Wonderland—i.e. pageantry music, lights sweeping the stage (flashlights or spots), flashbulbs popping, paparazzi... basically whatever your imagination and resources allow.

THE SLEEPING RED KINGWhen the Red King falls asleep during the “Jabberwocky” number, he needs to be established as being asleep for the rest of the play. The original production showed him sleeping in a drawer on casters which was pulled out of the upstage flat and could be pushed back in. When the actors shut him back in they left a piece of his garment showing as a visual reminder and the actor playing the Red King was then free to play other parts. Some such conceit needs to be devised. It doesn’t need to be anything extravagant, but enough that we can remember, when he wakes up at the end of the play, that he has been asleep.

MISCELLANEOUSSome productions have costumed the play as a period piece, and others have made Alice very contemporary. While the script maintains the classic language of the original fairytale, the play is littered with modern-day illusions, and the eclectic music score lends itself to a more contemporary production, if desired. To modernize the script, Alice may be cast as a typical “hip” teenager, wearing jeans, a trendy dress, cheerleader outfit, etc. instead of the traditional blue and white dress. In this case, directors might also modify some of the traditional, proper English to reflect more current, colloquial speech.

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The play should have a jazzy, zany, improvisational quality to it. Actors and directors together are encouraged to add to the suggestions, build on them or come up with original solutions. Costuming, props and set can be as elaborate or as sparse as you feel appropriate for your production. The nature of the piece, however, lends itself to a certain sparseness, a suggestion of character and location as opposed to the too literal. It helps keep the show loose and quick and created in the moment right before the eyes of the audience.Some productions have made the red book in the beginning of the play clearly marked “Through the Looking Glass.” They then have Alice reading the book as she is waiting for Kitty to take her turn in the chess game. Right before the transformation she either nods off or actively wishes to the book to take her away from her present situation. The conceit of the play is then, did this really happen or is it all a dream?

ORIGINAL PRODUCTION CREDITSThe play was originally produced by First Stage Children’s Theater, Milwaukee, WI on February 21, 1997, directed by Norma Saldivar. Scenic design by John Story, lighting design by Michael Rourke, sound design by Doug Hillard, costume design by Karin Simonson Kopsishke, music direction by Jeff Shaetzke and stage management by Mary-Patricia Salm. The original cast was as follows:PAWN .................................................. Phillip BernsWHITE QUEEN, TWEEDLE DEE, ANNOUNCER, CATCHER ................... Catherine Lynn DavisRED QUEEN, TWEEDLE DUM,TOUR MEMBER .................................. Sarah DayALICE .................................................. Alison Mary ForbesTIGER LILY, UNICORN, TICKET SELLER, EMCEE, TOUR MEMBER .... Beth JohnstonRED KING, HATTA ............................... Michael LaGueWHITE KNIGHT, HUMPTY DUMPTY, SPORTS ANNOUNCER ...... Brian Robert ManiWHITE KING, CATCHER, TOUR MEMBER .................................. Jonathon WestROSE, LION, CONDUCTOR, JANITOR .............................................. Elaine Wyler

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book by james devita music and lyrics by bill francoeurbook by james devita music and lyrics by bill...

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