bless you all! · check switches hands. two men push each other’s hands away and wrestle the...
TRANSCRIPT
BLESS YOU ALL!
Sketches by
ARNOLD AUERBACH
Music and Lyrics by
HAROLD ROME
Directed by
BEN WEST
Rehearsal Draft
Aug. 7, 2013
UnsungMusicalsCo. Inc.
P.O. Box 722
New York, New York 10159
© Auerbach/Rome www.unsungmusicals.org
CHARACTERS
Woman 1 (Entertainer)
Woman 2 (Supper Club Chanteuse)
Woman 3 (Singing Comic)
Woman 4 (Diva)
Woman 5 (Dance Specialty)
Man 1 (Dance Duo)
Man 2 (Dance Duo)
Man 3 (Top Banana)
Man 4 (Top Banana)
Man 5 (Second Banana)
Man 6 (Entertainer)
SKETCHES AND MUSICAL NUMBERS
“Bless You All” ....................................... W1, M1 & M2
I’ll Take the Check ................................... M3, M4 & M5
“When?” ........................................................ W4
“Summer Dresses” .......................................... M6 & W5
“Love Letter to Manhattan” ............................ W2, M1 & M2
Justice on the Lam .................................... M3, M4 & M5
“Bless You All” Reprise ............................... W1, M1 & M2
“A Rose is a Rose” ............................................. M6
“I Can Hear It Now” ............................................ W2
Southern Fried Chekhov ................................ M3, W3 & W1
“Don’t Wanna Write About the South” ................... M3, W3 & W1
T.V. Over the White House
“Love That Man!” ............................... W5, M4, M1 & M2
“Voting Blues” .............................................. W4
“Just a Little White House” ............................ M4 & W3
“Love That Man!” Reprise ............................... M1 & M2
“Take Off the Coat” ................................... W2, M6 & W5
“The Roaring Twenties Strike Back” .................... W1, M1 & M2
Without Reservations ..................... M3, M4, M5, W3 & Company
“You Never Know What Hit You” .................................. W4
Finale ................................................ W1, M1 & M2
BLESS YOU ALL! Rehearsal Draft 8/7/13 1
© Auerbach/Rome UnsungMusicalsCo. Inc.
BLESS YOU ALL
Whistle blows. Music launches into title
song as three performers bound onto the
stage. The house lights simultaneously bump
out. We should slam into the top of the
show with no blackout. The three performers
do a brief dance and then launch into the
lyric. This should be an exciting, full-
throttle, vaudevillian opening.
WOMAN ONE
THANK THE LORD FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU
WHO LIKE TO SEE A SHOW
THANKS FOR WHAT IT IS THAT MAKES YOU COME
TAKES YOU FROM YOUR RADIO
AND HOWDY DOODY
THANK YOU, YOU LOVELY CREATURES
FOR PASSING UP THE LOCAL DOUBLE FEATURES
YOU’RE THE KIND THAT KEEP SHOW BUSINESS
FROM BECOMING NO BUSINESS
SO EACH CURTAIN CALL
WE SAY:
“THANK YOU, SIR
AND THANK YOU, MA’AM
THANK YOU, SIR
AND THANK YOU, MA’AM
THANK YOU KINDLY SIR AND MA’AM
AND BLESS YOU ALL!”
MEN ONE & TWO
THANKS FOR LETTING NEITHER HAIL NOR SNOW NOR RAIN
DETAIN YOU
OR THE MANNERS OF THE MUGS IN THE BOX OFFICE
PAIN YOU
OR THE HAZARDS OF THE LATE SUBURBAN TRAIN
MAKE YOU REFRAIN...
ALL THREE
FROM THE TINSEL AND THE GLAMOUR OF THE DRAMMER!
WOMAN ONE
THANKS FOR NOT PERMITTING BABY SITTING PROBLEMS
TO UNNERVE YOU
HEAVEN KNOWS THAT THERE ARE LOTS OF BROADWAY SHOWS
THAT WANT TO SERVE YOU
ALL THREE
BUT YOU GOT HERE ALL THE SAME
AND WE’RE AWF’LLY GLAD YOU CAME!
IT’S A WONDER YOU APPEAR
HIP-HOO-RAY AND GIVE A CHEER!
YOU’RE OUR CHOICE FOR THE MAN
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AND THE WOMAN OF THE YEAR!
Dance break.
WOMAN ONE
YOU’RE THE KIND THAT KEEPS SHOW BUSINESS
FROM BECOMING NO BUSINESS
SO EACH CURTAIN CALL
WE SAY:
ALL THREE
“THANK YOU, SIR
AND THANK YOU, MA’AM
THANK YOU, SIR
AND THANK YOU, MA’AM
THANK YOU KINDLY SIR AND MA’AM
AND BLESS YOU...
BLESS YOU ALL!”
Blackout.
THE END
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I’LL TAKE THE CHECK
Lights restore on a small restaurant table.
Two men have finished dining and appear to
be laughing and enjoying the company.
ED
Doggone! It’s sure been swell seeing you again. (Calling.) Check
please.
Man 5 enters as Waiter with check.
JOE
Hold it, boy. This is on me.
ED
Next time. (Extends a bill to waiter.) Here you are.
JOE
Don’t take it, waiter. (Extends bill.) Here.
ED
Hey! Cut that out.
JOE
Put that away.
ED
(To waiter.) Don’t touch that.
JOE
You’re embarrassing me!
ED
Please!
Waiter has been holding out check first to
one, then the other. Bills switch hands.
Check switches hands. Two men push each
other’s hands away and wrestle the
respective bills back into each other’s
pocket. Waiter is confused; now no bills.
ED (Cont’d)
You old sonuvagun! Well, if it’ll make you feel any better, go
ahead.
Waiter approaches Joe.
JOE
No siree. I know when I’m licked.
Waiter back to Ed.
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ED
(To waiter.) My friend’s in charge.
JOE
(To waiter.) See the other gentleman.
ED
Don’t listen to him!
JOE
Don’t listen to HIM!
Waiter looks from one to the other.
ED
Joe, my boy, let’s be logical here. Who rang you up this morning
to make the date?
JOE
You did. But...
ED
That’s all, brother. I invited you. So it’s on me. Check, waiter.
Waiter registers approval that Ed is right.
Beaming his congratulations, he approached
him with the check.
JOE
Now, wait a minute. That day we met on the street, who said,
“Let’s get together for lunch some time?”
ED
You did. But...
JOE
Well! The whole thing was my idea! Check, please.
Waiter moves to Joe.
ED
Hold on. For months before I ran into you, I used to say to
Lucille...”Wonder what old Joe Baker’s doing. Gee, I’d like to
take him to lunch some day.”
Waiter goes back to Ed.
JOE
If you don’t mind my saying so, I think you’re quibbling.
ED
I’m not quibbling at all. I’m simply proving how long I’ve had
the idea. Check, waiter.
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JOE
Well, if it comes to that, I’ve probably had it for years! In my
subconscious! (Angrily, to waiter.) I’ll take that!
ED
Subconscious! Any minute you’ll be back to pre-natal influence!
JOE
I suppose there’s no such thing! If you’d keep an open mind,
instead of sneering at every modern theory...
ED
Who’s sneering?
JOE
You are. You’re adopting a very sneering tone!
ED
Okay. Have it your way. Back in your mother’s stomach, you only
wanted to get born so when you were [age] years old you could
take me to lunch! Now go ahead, wise guy. Be a big shot. Pay the
check.
He shoves the waiter over to Joe.
JOE
I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction!
Shoves waiter back.
ED
You always did have a stubborn streak.
JOE
Huh! I’m stubborn!
ED
You heard me!
JOE
I never liked you. Not even in high school.
ED
Oh, still bitter ‘cause you never made the debating team?!
JOE
Some bitter! Right now I’m making 15 thousand a year. I could buy
you and sell you.
ED
You could, huh? It may interest you to know that last year I made
16, five! Plus a Christmas bonus!
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JOE
Do you get an expense account?
ED
No.
JOE
Hah! I do!
ED
Mr. Moneybags, himself! And he outfumbles me for a lousy two
bucks! Check!
JOE
I’ll pay, you cheapskate! And I’ll show you what I care about
money! (To waiter as he passes with tray.) Waiter! (Grabs pie off
tray and puts it in Ed’s face.) Put that on the check!
Waiter is horrified. Put tray with other
pie on table and goes to pay for the check
himself. We see him taking money out of his
pocket as he leaves.
ED
Oh, I’m a cheapskate, am I?!
JOE
That’s what I said!
ED
Step out here!
JOE
Glad to!
They prepare to fight.
ED
Damn pighead!
JOE
Pot-bellied phony!
ED
Lucille was right! She always hated your guts!
Ed throws pie at Joe, but waiter has
returned with the receipt and gets the pie
in the face.
JOE
Oh! (Waiter shows paid bill.) You mean you... (Waiter nods
happily.) My God, Ed!
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ED
What a gesture!
JOE
We’ve been acting like children.
ED
Waiter, I’m ashamed of myself. (Looks at check.) Fifty-two Fifty!
And you insist on paying? (Waiter nods.) How about a tip? (Waiter
would be amenable.) Well, by Golly, the least you deserve is ten
bucks.
Ed reaches into his pocket. Joe grabs his
arm.
JOE
I’ll take it, Ed.
ED
No, no. I’ve got it.
JOE
I insist!
ED
I won’t hear of it!
Blackout.
THE END
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WHEN?
WOMAN FOUR
HERE I SIT ONCE MORE
WHILE THE EMPTY LONELY HOURS FLIT ONCE MORE
SOME GIRLS SEEM TO GET THE BREAKS
WHILE I’M PARKED WATCHING OTHER FOLKS’ MISTAKES
TIME GOES SLOW AGAIN
TUNING IN THE SAME OLD RADIO SHOW AGAIN
WATCHING AS THE T.V. TUBES GLOW AGAIN
SITTING ON MY WEARY STATUS QUO AGAIN
I’M TIRED OF READING ABOUT IT
FROM EV’RYWHERE
I’M TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT IT
UPON THE AIR
OF SITTING KNITTING, WAITING
WHEN AM I GONNA BE PARTICIPATING
I’M TIRED OF LEARNING ABOUT IT
FROM MAGAZINES
I’M TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT IT
IN MEZZANINES
WITH POPCORN FOR MY DIET
WHEN AM I GONNA GET A CHANCE TO TRY IT?
OH! MANY ARE THE HOURS THAT I’VE SAT AND SAT AND SAT
LOOKING AT LOVE’S CHILLS AND TERRORS
MY BASES ALL ARE LOADED BUT I NEVER GET TO BAT
NO HIT, NO RUNS, NO ERRORS!
I’M TIRED OF SIGHING TO BE IT
LIKE MOVIE QUEENS
I’M TIRED OF TRYING TO SEE IT
ON TEN INCH SCREENS
OF RUINING MY EYES TO IT
WHEN AM I GONNA GET MY CHANCE TO DO IT?
I’VE GOT THOSE SPECTATOR SPORTS BLUES
AND IT’S A SHAME
I’VE GOT THOSE SECOND HAND REPORTS BLUES
AND IT’S MUCH TOO TAME
MUCH TOO TAME
HOW LONG DOES A WENCH HAVE TO PARK ON THE BENCH
BEFORE SHE GET PUT IN THE GAME?!
I’M TIRED OF YAMMER ABOUT IT
HOW GREAT YOU FEEL
I’M TIRED OF DRAMMER ABOUT IT
FROM U.S. STEEL
OF WATCHING LOVE REHEARSIN’
WHEN AM I GONNA GET A CHANCE IN PERSON?
I’M TIRED OF PAINTING ABOUT IT
IN THIS WEEK’S LIFE
I’M TIRED OF FAINTING ABOUT IT
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WITH JOHN’S OTHER WIFE
OF SONGS HOW IT’S BEWITCHIN’
WHEN AM I GONNA GET A CHANCE TO PITCH IN?
I KNOW THE WAY THAT LOVE CAN LOOK
THE WAY THAT LOVE CAN SOUND
O.K., IT’S GREAT, I AGREE
I WISH I HAD A FELLER WHO WOULD SNUGGLE ME AROUND
AND LET THAT SET WATCH ME!
I’M TIRED OF PROGRAMS ABOUT IT
ALL DAY AND NIGHT
WHO CARES IF THEY MAKE IT IN COLOR
OR BLACK AND WHITE?
TO HECK WITH HOW YOU VIEW IT
OH WHEN CAN I FEEL ROMANCE THAT IS REAL
WITH NO COMMERCIAL SCATTERED THRU IT
WHEN AM I GONNA GET MY CHANCE TO DO IT?!
TAG AND SEGUE
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SUMMER DRESSES
MAN SIX
WHAT’S SO RARE AS A DAY IN JUNE?
THEN, IF EVER, THE WORLD’S IN TUNE
MISTER J. RUSSELL LOWELL SAID IT
AND YOU HAVE TO GIVE THE OLD BOY CREDIT
OH THE VERY AIR SEEMS TO SING
HI-YA SUMMER AND GOODBYE SPRING
AND IF YOU WILL ALL STEP THIS WAY FOLKS
YOU CAN HAVE A SIGHT
THAT’S BETTER THAN ANYTHING IN BAEDEKER
ANY DAY, FOLKS
BEATS THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE SEVEN SEAS
FROM THE HIMALAYAS TO THE HEBRIDES
FROM THE TAJ MAHAL TO BALI AND PAREE
COME AROUND AND SEE!
THE GIRLS IN THEIR GAY SUMMER DRESSES
GO BY ON THE AVENUE
WHILE JUNE’S LUCKY BREEZE BLOW CARESSES
OH WHAT A PLEASURE TO VIEW
THE LOVELY GIRLIES IN THEIR SWIRLY SUMMER DRESSES
LIKE A RAINBOW RENDEZVOUS
MY HEART SWELLS WITH PRIDE
FOR RIGHT HERE BY MY SIDE
THE PRIZE OF THEM ALL IS ON VIEW
OF THE GIRLS IN THEIR GAY SUMMER DRESSES
THE LOVELIEST ONE IS YOU
He and Girl dance. At the end of the dance,
they stroll offstage left, passing the next
performer who is entering.
DIRECT SEGUE
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LOVE LETTER TO MANHATTAN
WOMAN TWO
TRAVEL IS WONDERFUL
EUROPE IS FINE
LONDON WAS MAGNIFICENT
ROME, VENICE, FLORENCE WERE DIVINE
PARIS IS ALL THEY SAY IT IS
THRILLING TO SEE
FUNNY WITH BEAUTY ALL AROUND
HOW LONELY YOU CAN BE
THERE’S A LOVE LETTER TO MANHATTAN
THAT MY HEARTS KEEP WRITING EV’RY DAY
WHAT’S THE WORD?
HOW ARE THINGS, MANHATTAN?
MISS YOU MORE THAN I KNOW HOW TO SAY
MISS YOUR EYES BRIGHT WITH RAINBOW NEON
MISS THE TOWERS YOU WEAR LIKE A CROWN
THEY’LL NEVER BUILD ANOTHER LIKE YOU
TILL THE SANDS OF TIME RUN DOWN
TRULY YOURS, TILL WE MEET, MANHATTAN
I’M IN LOVE WITH A WONDERFUL TOWN!
I REMEMBER YOU IN YOUR MORNING SMILE
IN YOUR VEIL OF RAIN SHIMMERING DOWN
IN YOUR COAT OF SNOW
IN YOUR SPRINGTIME GLOW
IN YOUR GLEAMING EVENING GOWN
I HAVE THRILLED WITH YOU
THRILLED IN PRIDE WITH YOU
FELT YOUR LONELY SCORN AND BITTER CHILL
I HAVE LAUGHED WITH YOU
LAUGHED AND CRIED WITH YOU
AND NO MATTER WHERE I GO
YOU’RE WITH ME STILL!
Tempo bumps up and two boys enter to frame
our singer during the remaining movement.
THERE’S A LOVE LETTER TO MANHATTAN
THAT MY HEARTS KEEP WRITING EV’RY DAY
WHAT’S THE WORD?
HOW ARE THINGS, MANHATTAN?
MISS YOU MORE THAN I KNOW HOW TO SAY
MISS YOUR EYES BRIGHT WITH RAINBOW NEON
MISS THE TOWERS YOU WEAR LIKE A CROWN
THEY’LL NEVER BUILD ANOTHER LIKE YOU
TILL THE SANDS OF TIME RUN DOWN
TRULY YOURS, TILL WE MEET, MANHATTAN
I’M IN LOVE WITH A WONDERFUL TOWN!
THE END
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© Auerbach/Rome UnsungMusicalsCo. Inc.
JUSTICE ON THE LAM By Arnold Auerbach & Herman Wouk
Sirens. Whistles. The Police Sergeant
appears in a special at proscenium.
SERGEANT’S VOICE
Calling all cops! Calling all cops! Be on the lookout for a
fugitive from justice, Judge Peter J. McGillicudy. The Judge,
under indictment for bribery, fled from his bench today and is
reported to be hiding out in Central Park. Proceed to the park,
men. Find Judge McGillicudy.
Lights up on traditional Central Park
scene. Judge is hiding out. Cop passes by.
Judge emerges.
JUDGE
What a predicament. Caught in flagrante dilecto. This will set
back Fordham law school twenty years.
Johnson rushes on and startles the Judge.
JOHNSON
Your Honor! I’m glad I finally found you. Where have you been all
day?
JUDGE
Behind bushes, in bushes, under bushes. It’s been awful. The next
man I see with a dog, I’m going to let him have it.
JOHNSON
Your Honor, you don’t mean...
JUDGE
Alas, yes, Johnson. Three times today I’ve been the victim of
liquidation proceedings. What a comedown. I, Peter McGillicudy,
M.A., Ph.D., L.L.D., and now just A.D.
JOHNSON
A.D.?
JUDGE
Avoiding doody. It’s humiliating.
JOHNSON
Buck up, Your Honor! Us boys have a plan to save you. You see
that Cadillac parked by the gate there?
JUDGE
Yes.
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BLESS YOU ALL (CROSSOVER)
As the actors in the prior sketch run off
left, two dancing boys enter from right
with brooms. They sing and swipe in one out
left. A girl follows them. The boys return.
It is a stylized routine.
ALL THREE (BREAKDOWN TBC)
THANK THE LORD FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU
WHO LIKE TO SIT OUT THERE
THANKS FOR WHAT IT IS THAT MAKES YOU COME
TAKES YOU FROM YOUR EASY CHAIR
AND CANASTA
THANK YOU, MATER AND PATER
FOR LOVING THE LEGITIMATE THE-AY-TER
YOU’RE THE KIND THAT KEEPS SHOW BUSINESS
FROM BECOMING NO BUSINESS
SO EACH CURTAIN CALL
WE SAY:
“THANK YOU, SIR
AND THANK YOU, MA’AM
THANK YOU, SIR
AND THANK YOU, MA’AM
THANK YOU KINDLY SIR AND MA’AM
AND BLESS YOU ALL!”
DIRECT SEGUE
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A ROSE IS A ROSE
Boy appears with broom at proscenium as the
prior entertainers exit. He begins to sing
and goes into dance.
MAN SIX
POETRY USU’LLY DOESN’T MEAN A SINGLE THING TO ME
I GET ALONG WELL WITHOUT T.S. ELIOT
I CAN DO FINE WITHOUT GERTRUDE STEIN
EXCEPT SOMETIMES A LINE OR TWO
ALL OF A SUDDEN MAKES ME THINK OF YOU
A ROSE IS A ROSE IS A ROSE IS A ROSE
IF YOU SHOULD ASK ME
THEN I SUPPOSE
THAT MEANS THERE’S NOTHING QUITE LIKE A ROSE
A DREAM IS A DREAM
WHEN I DREAM ABOUT YOU
NO WORDS OR PHRASES I EVER KNEW
NO POETS PRAISES WILL EVER DO
JUST LIKE A “ROSE IS A ROSE” IS TRUE
DARLING YOU ARE YOU
ARE YOU ARE YOU ARE YOU
ARE YOU!
THE END
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I CAN HEAR IT NOW
WOMAN TWO
SOMETIMES FROM OUT THE PAST, A TOKEN
BRINGS BACK WORDS SPOKEN LONG AGO
YOU FIND A LONELY FADED SOUVENIR AND THEN
YOU CAN HEAR AGAIN
ALL THE OLD FAMILIAR SONGS
CLEAR AS CLEAR AGAIN
I CAN HEAR IT NOW
I CAN HEAR YOU SHYLY SAYING
“LIKE TO DANCE?”
THE BAND PLAYING:
“WHO – STOLE MY HEART AWAY”
I CAN SEE US NOW
IN THE RUMBLE SEAT SO GAILY
STRUMMING TO A UKELELE
“YOU’RE THE CREAM IN MY COFFEE”
I REMEMBER OUR FIRST KISS
TO “WHY DO I LOVE YOU?”
YOUR GRIN WHEN YOU GAVE ME YOUR PIN AND SANG
“I CAN’T GIVE YOU ANYTHING BUT LOVE, BABY”
I CAN HEAR IT NOW
HEAR THEM SAY: “THE BRIDE IS COMING”
DON’T KNOW WHY, BUT I WAS HUMMING
“WITH A SONG IN MY HEART
JUST AS CLEAR AS CLEAR
I CAN HEAR IT NOW
I CAN HEAR IT NOW
HEAR THE ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING
YOUR VOICE BRAVELY SAYING “I DO”
AS CLEAR AS CLEAR
I CAN HEAR IT
I CAN HEAR IT NOW
THE END
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SOUTHERN FRIED CHEKHOV
Colonel Jasper and his alcoholic wife Emmy
are reading their son’s latest novel. We
are in the south. The Deep South.
EMMY (WOMAN THREE)
“The old crone’s cackle pierced the gloom...Mirthless merriment
amidst the stinking rot.”
JASPER (MAN THREE)
Chapter Twelve. Our son is progressin’ nicely.
EMMY
Isn’t it wonderful, Jasper? Another author in the family.
JASPER
That’s our job, Emmaline. Our cotton may fail, and our tobacco –
but down south, by God, we kin always grow book-writer.
EMMY
But every year...bombardin’ the Yankees with novels, short
stories, plays...it doesn’t seem fair to ‘em.
JASPER
‘course it does! It’s our way o’ gettin’ even for the Civil War.
EMMY
Hmm. And it is a nice arrangement. We keep decayin’...the
children keep writin’.
JASPER
What a fall catalogue we’ll have. Jasper Junior, with Doubleday;
Marmaduke with Random House; and Elmer, the little feller, with
Reader’s Digest. If our confounded daughter would only...
EMMY
Now, Jasper, control yourself.
JASPER
How can I? I sat her down at a typewriter, dusted off the keys
and invited her to throw a fit. For two hours I stood outside,
but I didn’t hear a sound.
EMMY
Maybe she was changing the ribbon.
JASPER
Wishful thinkin’. When I finally peeked through the keyhole, what
do you think she was doin’? Hemmin’ the goddamn curtains!
EMMY
No!
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JASPER
Emmy, after all this time, we got us a curtain-hemmer. Our
daughter, and not the least bit abnormal.
EMMY
Give her a chance, Jasper. She’s still young.
JASPER
She’s sixteen, mother. Let’s face it. Our Marybelle’s the white
sheep of the family.
Marybelle enters skipping and laughing
girlishly. She carries flowers.
MARY (WOMAN ONE)
Ah declare, the magnolias are so fragrant! I jes’ never did see
their like, sho nuf! Mummy! Daddy! Why aren’t you out o’ doors,
sniffin’ the jasmine and trimmin’ the azalea bushes?
JASPER
Gal doesn’t even talk basic English! (To Mary.) Time for you to
git yo’ nose in the dung-heap! And write the right kind o’
writin’!
EMMY
How else are you gonna be banned in Boston?
MARY
I don’t want to be banned anywhere. Ah don’t even want to be
published!
EMMY
It’s enough to make a person sober.
JASPER
I’ll hoss-whip her! So help me Clifton Fadiman.
MARY
Ah don’t care. It’s time somebody started a trend. And that
somebody is me!
DON’T WANNA WRITE ABOUT THE SOUTH
MARY (Cont’d)
DON’T WANNA TO WRITE ABOUT THE SOUTH
I DON’T WANNA!
JASPER & EMMY
BUT, BABY, FOR HEAVEN’S SAKES!
MARY
AIN’T GONNA WRITE ABOUT THE SOUTH
I AIN’T GONNA!
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JASPER & EMMY
LOOK WHAT ERSKINE CALDWELL MAKES!
MARY
THOUGH YOU MAY THINK I’M ACTING FORMAL
I DON’T LIKE DECLINE AND DECAY
I’D RATHER BE GROWING UP NORMAL
SOUTH CA’LINA PLEASE TAKE IT AWAY!
JASPER & EMMY
AY, AY, AY
MARY
I’M NOT GONNA KNOCK
I’M A BOOSTER
KINDLY TELL THAT TO SIMON AND SHUSTER
I’M GONNA SHUT MY MOUTH
NOT WRITE A WORD ABOUT THE SOUTH-LAND
DOWN BY THE DELTY
JASPER & EMMY
HOW WE GONNA BREAK THE NEWS TO EUDORA WELTY?
MARY
DON’T WANNA WRITE ABOUT THE SOUTH
I DON’T WANNA!
JASPER & EMMY
BUT, BABY, AT LEAST A PLAY!
MARY
AIN’T GONNA WRITE ABOUT THE SOUTH
I AIN’T GONNA!
JASPER & EMMY
WHAT’LL TENNESSEE WILLIAMS SAY?!
MARY
I’D RATHER NOT TATTLE ON MOTHER
OR TELL WHAT PAW DOES LATE AT NIGHT
OR LIST THE QUAINT HABITS OF BROTHER
I SOMEHOW DON’T THINK IT’S POLITE
JASPER & EMMY
KRAFT-EBING
MARY
I WANT MY VIEWPOINT TO BE CHEERIER
SOMEONE ELSE GO CUT DOWN THE WISTERIA
I’M GONNA SHUT MY MOUTH
NOT WRITE A WORD ABOUT THE SOUTH-LAND!
I WON’T BE SLUTTY [SLUDDY]
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JASPER & EMMY
HOW WE GONNA BREAK THE NEWS TO TRUMAN CAPOTE?! [PUDDY]
MARY
DON’T WANNA WRITE ABOUT THE SOUTH
I DON’T WANNA!
JASPER & EMMY
JUST THINK ABOUT HOLLYWOOD!
MARY
AIN’T GONNA WRITE ABOUT THE SOUTH
I AIN’T GONNA
JASPER & EMMY
BUT, BABY, IT PAYS SO GOOD!
MARY
YOU CAN KEEP YOUR OLD MANSION AND SHANTY
YOUR COUSINS ROLLING IN HAY
DON’T GIVE A DAMN WHO’S RAPING AUNTY
NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT MIGHT PAY
JASPER & EMMY
SWEET JESUS!
MARY
PLEASE NOTIFY ALL BOOK REVIEWERS
THAT THEY’LL HAVE ONE LESS TRIP TO THE SEWERS
I’M GONNA SHUT MY MOUTH
NOT WRITE A WORD ABOUT THE SOUTH-LAND!
JASPER & EMMY
HEY, BABY
MARY
SOUTH-LAND!
JASPER & EMMY
SAY, BABY
WON’T YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND?
MARY
NO! NO! NO! NO!
ALL THREE
I/SHE AIN’T GONNA WRITE ABOUT THE SOUTH!
THE END
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T.V. OVER THE WHITE HOUSE
Lights up on the dressing room of
presidential candidate Joseph G. Blow.
DAN (MAN FIVE)
And remember, we’ve cut the foreign policy song and we took out
the capital-and-labor dance. That means you segue right to the
family sketch.
BLOW (MAN FOUR)
I got it.
DAN
Great. We go live in five minutes.
BLOW
What a way to run for president! On an all-television campaign!
DAN
Only way to do it, kid. Every voter has a television set. The
candidates stay here in Radio City, the people sit home in their
living rooms...and may the best profile win.
BLOW
But for months now, a show every night. I don’t know if I’m
Thomas Jefferson or Howdy Doody.
DAN
Steady, boy. We’re coming down the stretch. This is the last show
before Election. Once you’re in the White House, you can take a
nice long vacation.
BLOW
Huh! I was a lot happier as a Congressman. Then you fellows has
to start that boom at the Convention: “Joseph Gabriel Blow, the
Walking Dimple.”
DAN
But think of the honor-the first president in history to get into
Actor’s Equity.
BLOW
Wish you’d let me purge these gagmen. (Mocking.) What a bit!
Fulla belly laughs.
DAN
I know they’re corny but they’re only filling in till we sign
Paddy Chayefsky.
BLOW
The way they spot the guest stars. We should never have had a
Vishinski on the same show with Milton Berle.
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DAN
Well, who knew Milton would ad lib that hot-feet?
Fast-talking Broadway agent enters.
AGENT (WOMAN THREE)
Hi, sweetheart.
BLOW
Dammit, Sam, can’t you read the sign above the door? No agents
allowed in the presidential dressing room.
AGENT
But Joe, I got a new discovery. A terrific hunka talent. Make the
greatest little Secretary of State you ever saw.
BLOW
I told you to...Secretary of State, eh? There is a spot open
there.
AGENT
Wait till you see my boy. (Calling off.) C’mon in, sweetheart.
Enter a pompous windbag of a Senator
AGENT (Cont’d)
Meet Senator Bascomb T. Willoughby. Sensational personality,
ain’t he? I caught him at the crop control hearings – signed him
right up. Make with the smile, kid. (Senator flashes a toothy
grin.) See? Not a false tooth in his head! Looks great in
Technicolor, too.
DAN
What do you think, Joe?
BLOW
Could be. Let’s hear him.
AGENT
Check. (Senator prepares.) Now! Make out he’s coming over your
video screen. (To Senator.) Give ‘em the acceptance routine,
kid.
Blow and Dan appraise him like horse-
dealers.
SENATOR
My fellow-Americans, in assuming the onerous duties of this high
office, I am fully aware of the noble traditions surrounding it.
DAN
(To Blow.) Hmmm. Too fat.
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BLOW
Bad legs.
SENATOR
I do not wish to be Secretary of State. I am content to serve my
country in relative obscurity. But now that the call of duty has
reached my ears, who am I to withstand its clarion summons?
Blow and Dan are looking at each other
grimly.
SENATOR
Therefore, it is with a humble heart and a grateful spirit that I
accept this...
BLOW
Sorry, Senator.
SENATOR
Eh?
BLOW
You’re not quite the type.
SENATOR
(Crushed.) Please. I wasn’t in good voice today.
AGENT
He killed ‘em at the Ways and Means Committee.
BLOW
We’ll keep you in mind.
AGENT
He could grow a moustache.
BLOW
(Steering them out). Sorry. Come back in four years.
SENATOR
I’ll take something smaller—Secretary of Agriculture.
Blow pushes him out.
AGENT
We shoulda broken it in at Grossingers. (He leaves but pops back
in again.) He can play the harmonica!
He hastens out again.
BLOW
No wonder I can’t line up a cabinet. Who wants to pay that
character ten percent?
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ANNOUNCER (WOMAN FIVE)
Two minutes! Onstage!
DAN
This is it, kid. Give ‘em hell! (As they exit.) Gangway,
everyone! The walking dimple rides again!
Blackout. We are now onstage.
ANNOUNCER (WOMAN FIVE)
Good evening, folks. You’re going to have a high old time at our
little telecast! You bet you are. So take off your shoes and
enjoy the show ‘cause Joe Blow asks only one thing. That you sit
back and relax. And after he’s elected, you can relax even more.
Thank you. We wish to thank the makers of Vaseline Hair Tonic for
giving us their time on the air.
Music in.
LOVE THAT MAN!
WOMAN FIVE
LOVE THAT MAN!
MY, OH MY!
HOW I LOVE THAT MAN!
SWEETIE PIE – HOW I LOVE HIS FACE
LOVE HIS CLOTHES
LOVE THE WAY HE WRINKLES THAT ROMAN NOSE UP
EAST AND WEST
SOUTH AND NORTH SAY HE
MEETS THE TEST
BACK AND FORTH SAY HE IS THE BEST GUY
MONEY CAN BUY
LOVE THAT GENT
THAT FUTURE PRESIDENT
LOVE THAT LOVELY MAN
Blow enters flanked by two boys.
BLOW
HELLO AMERICA HELLO!
THE NAME IS JOSEPH GABRIEL BLOW
I’M HERE TO TELL EACH GOLDARN ONE OF YOU
I LOVE YOU TOO
TRULY I DO
LIKE A LITTLE INFANT LOVES ITS MOTHER
LIKE A SIAMESE TWIN LOVES HIS BROTHER
LIKE AN OCEAN LINER LOVES ITS RUDDER
LIKE A BABY MOO COW LOVES ITS UDDER
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ALL THREE
LIKE A BANKER LOVES THE LOANS HE’S OWED ON
LIKE A DRUNKARD LOVES TO GET A LOAD ON
LIKE A JOCKEY LOVES HIS NAG TO WIN
LIKE A GIN RUMMY PLAYER LOVES TO SAY GIN
BLOW
THAT’S HOW I LOVE YOU ALL
I WANT YOU TO KNOW
HELLO AMERICA HELLO!
MEN ONE & TWO
HELLO MISTER BLOW!
BLOW
SHUCKS, FELLERS
JUST CALL ME JOE
MEN ONE & TWO
HELLO JOE!
LOVE THAT MAN!
GOSH, OH GEE
HOW I LOVE THAT MAN!
GLORY BE HOW I LOVE HIS PEP
LOVE HIS DASH
LOVE HIS WAY
HE’S ALWAYS SO DOG GONE BASHFUL!
WHAT A CHARM
BABIES CRY FOR HIM
ON THE FARM
CORN IS HIGH FOR HIM
HE’S THE BEST GUY
MONEY CAN BUY
LOVE THAT GENT
THAT FUTURE PRESIDENT
LOVE THAT...
LOVE THAT MAN!
Direct segue as blues singer appears.
VOTING BLUES
WOMAN FOUR
THE SADDEST GIRL IN TOWN
MY CASTLES TUMBLED DOWN
FOR I FORGOT TO REGISTER
SO I CAN’T VOTE FOR JOE!
I FEEL THE TEAR-DROPS START
IT’S RAINING IN MY HEART
FOR I FORGOT TO REGISTER
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SO I CAN’T VOTE FOR JOE!
NOW YOU KNOW WHY I HIDE MY FACE
WEARING A SIGH FOREVER
GOT TO PASS BY
THAT POLLING PLACE
KNOWING I’LL NEVER
PULL ON THAT LEVER FOR JOE
OH MISERY!
THERE’S NOTHING LEFT FOR ME
FOR I FORGOT TO REGISTER
SO I CAN’T VOTE FOR JOE
FOR JOE G. BLOW!
Blow and the Boys take the stage again.
STILL LOVE THAT MAN!
BLOW
HELLO AMERICA HELLO!
THE NAME IS JOSEPH GABRIEL BLOW
I’M HERE TO TELL EACH GOLDARN ONE OF YOU
I LOVE YOU TOO
TRULY I DO
MEN ONE & TWO
ALL ABOARD, ABOARD FOR THAT WASHINGTON EXPRESS
ALL ABOARD, ABOARD FOR THE STATE OF HAPPINESS
ALL ABOARD, ABOARD
HEAR THAT WHISTLE SOUND!
I KNOW THAT YOU FOLKS WON’T LET MY MAN DOWN!
BLOW
THAT’S HOW I LOVE YOU ALL
I WANT YOU TO KNOW
HELLO AMERICA HELLO!
MEN ONE & TWO
HELLO MISTER BLOW!
BLOW
SHUCKS, FELLERS
JUST CALL ME JOE
MEN ONE & TWO
HELLO JOE!
LOVE THAT GENT
THAT FUTURE PRESIDENT
LOVE THAT...
LOVE THAT MAN!
Tag and into next sequence.
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ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, when you go to the polls next Tuesday, vote
for Joseph Gabriel Blow! He is a man of the people, a man of
honor...and above all else, our candidate is a family man. In
fact, let’s drop in on a typical domestic scene between Joseph
Blow and his charming wife.
Lights shift to home scene.
BLOW
Jane, these home-made biscuits are wonderful. With all your
charities and social work, you’re still a real home-body, mh-hm!
JANE (WOMAN THREE)
And with all your affairs of state, you’re still an affectionate
husband and father. Mh-hm!
BLOW
Well, dear, what did my busy little housewife do last night?
JANE
Oh, I pasted some recipes in my scrapbook. I darned some socks.
Then I made some of that typical American Apple Butter you’re so
crazy about.
Where is the jar of butter? Oh, there it
is. “Typical American Apple Butter.”
BOTH
(In relief) Mh-hm!
JANE
And remember, Joseph, you said after you got elected, you’d buy
little Billy a pup.
BLOW
Of course, dear. But I may not get elected. I do have an
opponent.
JANE
Oh, that’s right dear. I keep forgetting there are two
candidates?
BLOW
It’s our American way.
JANE
But Billy’s got a pup all picked out. He’s the cutest little
terrier you ever saw! Suppose you lose the election?!
BLOW
Don’t worry, dear. The people won’t let us down. They’ll help us
honey folks make a living dream come true. After all, what do we
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ask for? Just the plain, simple little things that bring
happiness.
JUST A LITTLE WHITE HOUSE
BLOW (Cont’d)
JUST A LITTLE WHITE HOUSE
NEAR THE CAPITAL DOME
THAT’S THE ONE PLACE WE LONG FOR
TO BE HOME SWEET HOME
WITH A LITTLE WHITE PORCH
WHERE OUR JUNIOR CAN PLAY
WHILE POP ROCKS WITH HIS SOCKS OFF
AT THE CLOSE OF THE DAY
THOUGH WE KNOW IT’S COLD AND RATHER OLD
AND THE PLUMBING MAY NOT DO
STILL WE WANT TO GO
TO ONE SIX OH OH PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE
TO THAT LITTLE WHITE HOUSE
OH, HOW HAPPY WE’D BE
POP AND MAMA TOGETHER
AND BABY MAKES THREE!
JUST A LITTLE WHITE HOUSE
JANE
I’LL BE BUSY YOU CAN BET
BLOW
NEAR THE CAPITAL DOME
JANE
COOKING FOR THE CABINET
BLOW
THAT’S THE ONE PLACE WE LONG FOR
JANE
OH JUST WAIT TILL THEY TRY
BLOW
TO BE HOME SWEET HOME
JANE
MY OPEN GOOSEBERRY PIE
BLOW
WITH A LITTLE WHITE PORCH
JANE
I CAN SEE YOU WITH YOUR BROOM
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BLOW
WHERE OUR JUNIOR CAN PLAY
JANE
SWEEPING UP THE OVAL ROOM
BLOW
WHILE POP ROCKS WITH HIS SOCKS OFF
JANE
OH HOW PEACEFUL WHEN WE’VE CREPT IN
BLOW
AT THE CLOSE OF THE DAY
JANE
THE BED THAT HOOVER SLEPT IN
BOTH
WITH JUST A FOUR YEAR LEASE
THAT MIGHT INCREASE
TO ANOTHER TERM OR TWO
HOW WE’D LOVE IT SO
AT ONE SIX OH OH PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE
IN THAT LITTLE WHITE HOUSE
TUMBLE DOWN WE DON’T CARE
IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR
WON’T YOU ALL SEND US THERE?
Tag and into next sequence.
BLOW
And now for our monster giveaway feature: Stop the Politics!
Stand by your telephones, Mr. and Mrs. Citizen! Even now our
operators are trying to contact one lucky voter who will receive
absolutely free, gratis and for nothing the most staggering array
of prizes every awarded!
ANNOUNCER
Mr. Blow, we’re ready with the call. Mr. Grover Tittle of Adam’s
Apple, Wisconsin!
BLOW
Hello, there, Mr. Tittle! This is Joe G. Blow calling from Stop
the Politics! Listen to your question. Now, you have to get two
out of three. What are the colors of the American flag? Red is
correct! Just one more, now. Yes, I’ll wait. (To audience.) Isn’t
that cute? He’s gone to ask the little boy. (Phone.) What’s that?
Blue is correct! And white! Isn’t that wonderful, folks? He only
had to name two colors, and he got all three! (Phone.)
Congratulations, Mr. Tittle! What’s your occupation? Lawyer? Oh,
you’re a lucky fellow. That just fits in with that I had in mind.
Mr. Grover Tittle, of Adam’s Apple, Wisconsin, you are going to
be my first appointment to the United States Supreme Court!
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Furthermore, we are sending you absolutely free, a handsome,
hand-carved, knotty pine, all-purpose gavel! As well as a form-
fitting, Brooks Brothers, exclusively tailored mink-lined judge’s
robe! Please hold the line for further details! (Accent.) But
seriously, folks... (Accent.) I want to sum up the main points of
my campaign: Low Budget! (Accent.) Socialized Medicine! (Accent.)
Stabilized Currency! (Accent.) National Defense! (Accent.) And
Atomic Energy!
LOVE THAT MAN! (REPRISE)
MEN ONE & TWO
LOVE THAT MAN!
GOSH, OH GEE
HOW I LOVE THAT MAN!
GLORY BE HOW I LOVE HIS PEP
LOVE HIS DASH
LOVE HIS WAY
HE’S ALWAYS SO DOG GONE BASHFUL!
WHAT A CHARM
BABIES CRY FOR HIM
ON THE FARM
CORN IS HIGH FOR HIM
HE’S THE BEST GUY
MONEY CAN BUY
LOVE THAT GENT
THAT FUTURE PRESIDENT
LOVE THAT...
LOVE THAT MAN!
THE END
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TAKE OFF THE COAT
WOMAN TWO
HE’S LATE, I KNOW, I KNOW
BUT OH, HE’LL BE HERE SOON
THIS TIME I’LL MAKE HIM STAY
TAKE CARE AND NOT SCARE HIM AWAY
I’LL BE SO FREE AND EASY
AS I SAY:
TAKE OFF THE COAT
MY FRIEND
TAKE OFF THE COAT
AND MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME
MY VERY GOOD FRIEND
SET YOURSELF DOWN A BIT
TELL ME WHAT’S NEW
WHILE I WARM MY COLD AND HUNGRY HEART
AT THE SIGHT OF YOU
Man Six & Woman Five enter and dance.
WHAT’S IN THE AIR
MY FRIEND?
WHAT’S IN THE AIR
THAT TAKES THE BREATH AWAY
MY VERY GOOD FRIEND?
IF THIS IS LOVE AT LAST
PLEASE DON’T LET IT END
TAKE OFF THE COAT
MY FRIEND
Dance break.
TALK ME SOME TALK
MY FRIEND
TALK ME SOME TALK
WE’LL HAVE A HEART TO HEART
MY VERY GOOD FRIEND
LET’S NOT CONCERN OURSELVES
WITH HOW IT WILL END
TAKE OFF THE COAT...
LET’S NOT CONCERN OURSELVES
WITH HOW IT WILL END
TAKE OFF THE COAT
MY FRIEND
THE END
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THE ROARING TWENTIES STRIKE BACK
ALL THREE
CHARLESTON! CHARLESTON!
BOY, AIN’T WE CUTE!
CHARLESTON! CHARLESTON!
HEY! ROOTY TOOT!
HOT CHA! HOT CHA!
RED HOT MOMMAS
WE’RE THE BEE’S KNEES
CAT’S PAJAMAS
BLACK BOTTOM
DOO-WACK-A-DOO
BLACK BOTTOM
POOP A DOO TOO
HAVE YOUR LAUGHS AT THEM TODAY
BUT THOSE FOLKS FROM THE TWENTIES
HAD PLENTY TO...DANCE!
They dance. Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance.
This is a dance specialty. A delicious
homage to the roaring twenties.
THE END
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WITHOUT RESERVATIONS
Lights up on the lobby of 22, a swanky New
York restaurant on east 52nd Street. At
rise, a gay party chattering guests are
obsequiously ushered in to a dining-room by
Pierre, the maitre’d. Harry Cooper enters
cheerfully from street.
PIERRE
Yes, Sir?
HARRY
Good evening. I have a table for two. Harry Cooper.
PIERRE
I’m sorry, sir. I have no reservation for Harry Cooper.
HARRY
That’s funny. This is 22, isn’t it?
PIERRE
Yes, sir.
HARRY
Well, I booked a table myself. Called up yesterday afternoon
about three.
PIERRE
Oh, I see. There’s a slight misunderstanding. At 3 o’clock I
took a reservation for Gary Cooper.
HARRY
Oh. Ha-ha-ha. Gary Cooper. And I’m Harry Cooper. Practically the
same thing. Except I don’t have a horse. Ha-ha-ha. Well, now that
everything’s straightened out, I’ll...
He starts to enter the dining room.
PIERRE
Just a moment, sir.
HARRY
Eh?
PIERRE
No one can enter 22 without reservations.
HARRY
But I’ve got a reservation. You got the name wrong that’s all.
PIERRE
I’m sorry, sir. Gary Cooper is 22 caliber. You, sir, are a
typographical error.
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He turns away loftily.
HARRY
Hey!
Pierre ignores him. Harry whistles shrilly
through his teeth. No response. Getting an
idea, Harry peels a bill from his roll and
walks around to Pierre, extending it.
PIERRE
Thank you, sir. (Pockets bill.) Goodbye.
HARRY
What about my table?
PIERRE
It’s all ready for you. At Schrafft’s.
Harry
Now look, Buster.
He grabs Pierre’s arm angrily.
PIERRE
I warn you, sir. I’m the Judo champion of 52nd Street.
HARRY
So what, dammit! I’m one of the leading buyers of women’s wear in
all Schenectady! And I’m very well-liked!
PIERRE
My dear sir. To be admitted to 22, one must be a person of
consequence. Look-Ernest Hemingway, Gertrude Lawrence, Red
Skeleton’s brother-in-law...
HARRY
Well, I’m as consequential as they are! Downtown they call me the
Rosselini of the garment center. (Pierre shrugs and turns away)
Listen, pal, this girl I’m expecting. She’s been brushin’ me off
for weeks! I only got the date ‘cause I promised to take her
here. I gotta get a table-understand?
He peels off a bill from his roll. Pierre
looks at him coldly, and he keeps peeling
till Pierre unbends.
PIERRE
(Taking money.) In view of the circumstances...I’ll call the
Character Committee Chairman.
Rings a little bell on his desk.
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HARRY
(Dashed.) Thanks. Anyway...no loyalty test.
An elegant gentleman enters.
PIERRE
Sir, I have a candidate for admission. (To Harry.) This is
Francois...headwaiter emeritus. (To Francois.) A Mr. Cooper, from
Schenectady.
FRANCOIS
(Suddenly.) Say something funny.
HARRY
Huh?
PIERRE
A guest of 22 must be capable of brilliant epigrams. Give the
committee a sample.
HARRY
Well, I...uh...one day last week, Mr. Hackenschmidt, he’s one of
the Jr. vice-presidents...had on a new suit. And I said to
him...Oh, I forgot to tell you, he’s kind of fat. Anyway, I said
to him...this is very funny if you know Horace J.
Hackenschmidt...I said, “Where’d you get that suit? Lane Bryant?”
Laughs heartily. Under their stony gaze,
his laughter dies.
PIERRE
(To Francois.) We’ll proceed with social background.
HARRY
Oh, I got plenty o’ that stuff. My family’s lived in Schenectady
since 17 hundred sixty...
PIERRE
We judge by “22” standards.
FRANCOIS
Ever had your name in Winchell’s column?
HARRY
No.
FRANCOIS
Ever been divorced?
HARRY
No.
FRANCOIS
Been slugged by Humphrey Bogart?
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HARRY
No!
PIERRE
Definitely the Schrafft’s type. Next phase. Fads and foibles.
FRANCOIS
Do you paint?
HARRY
No!
FRANCOIS
Play charades?
HARRY
No!
FRANCOIS
Who’s your psychoanalyst?
HARRY
I haven’t got one! I’ve never been psychoanalyzed!
PIERRE
(Aghast.) Practically a virgin.
HARRY
Look, I’ll get psychoanalyzed after dinner. Please! Gloria’ll be
here any minute, and...
PIERRE
Francois, have you reached a verdict?
He nods grimly. Thumbs down. Pierre nods,
motions offstage. Enter a burly-looking
bouncer, with pistol in holster. As bouncer
approaches Harry, latter gets desperate.
HARRY
No! No! If I don’t get a table, Gloria’ll walk out on me! Don’t
send me... (To the grille.) Behind the iron curtain! Please! I’ll
order the most expensive dishes in your joint! And I won’t even
touch ‘em! You can send ‘em back and sell ‘em all over again!
They ignore him. He runs from one to the
other, blubbering.
HARRY (Cont’d)
Fellers! Have a heart! I’ll do anything! I’ll wash my own
dishes! (Grovels before Pierre.) Your Excellency! You can seat me
near the radiator! On the radiator! In front of the men’s room!
In the...
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PIERRE
No!
Enter Gloria, a flashily-dressed girl.
GLORIA
Sorry I’m late butchkie, I... (Noting his disheveled state.) You
loaded already?
HARRY
No! I’ve been trying to get into the dining-room, but this guy...
GLORIA
I shoulda known. He won’t give you a table. After I been starvin’
myself for two days! Well, if you can’t get me into 22, I’ll find
me someone who can!
She starts to leave.
HARRY
(To Pierre, furiously.) There goes the best-looking model on 38th
Street! Okay! You asked for it!
Beside himself with rage, he wrenches the
bouncer’s gun from its holster and shoots
Pierre, who staggers and falls.
ALL
Pierre! What happened? He’s badly hurt! Get a doctor!
HARRY
I did it! Ha-ha-ha! But you won’t get me alive!
He shoots himself, falls, as more people
rush on from dining-room, including a
doctor, who runs first to Pierre, then
Harry, examines them. Among newcomers are a
columnist, pad and pencil out.
ALL
This is terrible! Horrible! Who is he? Etc.
GLORIA
He couldn’t get a table! So he shot him. Then himself! Oh,
Butchkie!
She sobs hysterically.
DOCTOR
It’s hopeless. They’re both dying.
COLUMNIST
(To Gloria.) What’s his name, honey?
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GLORIA
Harry Cooper. He’s from Schenectady.
COLUMNIST
Harry Cooper...Schenectady. Let’s go, Sam. Boy, what a story!
Front page stuff!
PIERRE
(To columnist.) Did you say...front page story?
COLUMNIST
Damn right. By tomorrow this guy’ll be famous.
PIERRE
Did you say...famous?
COLUMNIST
Damn right!
PIERRE
(To Harry.) Sir, your table is ready.
Blackout.
THE END
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YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT YOU
WOMAN FOUR
LOVE! LOVE!
YOU CAN FIND IT IN THE HEADLINES
YOU CAN GOSSIP IT ALL DAY
FROM SOAP OPERAS UPON THE AIR
YOU CAN GET IT PLAY BY PLAY
YOU CAN SING IT IN YOUR BALLADS
YOU CAN READ IT IN YOUR BOOKS
YOU CAN SIT IN AIR-COOLED MOVIES
AND SEE JUST HOW IT LOOKS
BUT GOSH WHEN LOVE STARTS COOKIN’
IT’S NOT THE SAME AS LOOKIN’
ONE MINUTE YOU THINK YOU CAN’T BE TOOK
THE NEXT MINUTE YOU ARE TOOKEN!
BEFORE YOU SHOW A SIGN OF DIZZINESS
LOVE HAS SNUCK UP FROM BEHIND
LIKE A DIRTY CAD AND GIVEN YOU THE BUSINESS!
BEFORE A CLOUD BURST YOU CAN SEE THE DARK CLOUDS
THEY WARN YOU OF A STORM DUE FROM ABOVE
AND WATCH DOGS IN THE NIGHT
WILL BARK BEFORE THEY BITE
BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT YOU WHEN IT’S LOVE!
ONE MINUTE YOU ARE CAREFREE
SO DEBONAIRE AND GAY
THEN YOU REACH FOR YOUR HEART
AND FIND WITH A START
IT HAS BEEN STOLEN AWAY!
A TAXI BLOWS ITS HORN BEFORE IT HITS YOU
THE PITCHER WINDS UP FIRST THEN THROWS THE BALL
THE LEADER LIFTS HIS HAND
AND THEN YOU HEAR THE BAND
BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT YOU AT ALL
WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE!
OUT IN THE NORTHWEST, LUMBERMEN YELL “TIMBER”
WHEN TREES COME CRASHING DOWN FROM UP ABOVE
YOU GET A CHANCE AT BAIL
BEFORE YOU LAND IN JAIL
BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT YOU WHEN IT’S LOVE
YOU’RE SITTING LIKE A BANKER
UP WHERE THE RITZY CLASS SITS
THEN LOVE LANDS WITH A CLANK
GOODBYE TO YOUR BANK
DON’T KNOW YOUR DEBITS FROM YOUR ASSETS
EXPECTANT PARENTS HAVE TIME TO GET READY
THEY GET A HINT BEFORE THE STORK WILL CALL
AND THEN THEY HAVE TO WAIT
TILL WINCHELL SETS THE DATE
BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT YOU AT ALL
WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE!
BLESS YOU ALL! Rehearsal Draft 8/7/13 42
© Auerbach/Rome UnsungMusicalsCo. Inc.
A PIGEON HAS TO DO SOME BILL AND COOING
BEFORE HE GETS TO FIRST BASE WITH A DOVE
THE HORSES THUNDER PAST
BEFORE YOURS COMES IN LAST
BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT YOU WHEN IT’S LOVE
ONE MINUTE YOU’RE THE RIDER
SO EASY IN THE SADDLE
VERY COSY AND SURE
THE NEXT MINUTE YOU’RE
UP THE CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE!
A WOLF INVITES A GIRL TO SEE HIS ETCHINGS
BEFORE HE TRIES TO MAKE HER GIVE HER ALL
THE HOUSE DICK KNOCKS BEFORE
HE BREAKS THE HOTEL DOOR
BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT YOU AT ALL
WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE!
THE END
BLESS YOU ALL! Rehearsal Draft 8/7/13 43
© Auerbach/Rome UnsungMusicalsCo. Inc.
FINALE (BLESS YOU ALL)
WOMAN ONE
YOU’RE THE KIND THAT KEEPS SHOW BUSINESS
FROM BECOMING NO BUSINESS
SO EACH CURTAIN CALL
WE SAY:
ALL THREE
“THANK YOU, SIR
AND THANK YOU, MA’AM
THANK YOU, SIR
AND THANK YOU, MA’AM
THANK YOU KINDLY SIR AND MA’AM
AND...
FAREWELL! FAREWELL!
ADIEU! ADIEU!
SO LONG! SO LONG!
TOODLE-OO! TOODLE-OO!
CHEERIO! CHEERIO!
TA-TA! TA-TA!
PIP-PIP! PIP-PIP!
AU REVOIR! AU REVOIR!
GOODBYE! GOODBYE!
AND BLESS YOU...
ALL!”
Curtain.
END OF PLAY