Black Body Radiation And The

Ultraviolet Catastrophe

Jeffrey P. Brown

A Lulu, Inc. publication

Black Body Radiation and the Ultraviolet Catastrophe

A Lulu, Inc publication

All rights reserved Copyright © 2007 by Lulu, Inc

Cover Illustration © 2007 Clark Schaffer Back Cover Illustration © 2007 Chad Randall

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or

by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by and information storage and retrieval system, without the written permission of the publisher, except where permitted by law.

ISBN 978-1-4116-2223-4

To my wife Patricia, who makes all things possible. To my mom and dad, who made me possible.

To all who’ve sacrificed self to that of the greater good. God Bless.

Reader’s Comments

No hyped-up, overly self-inflated critics here. Just common folk getting their critique on.

A new book is on the market, and it’s one that audiences should

read with a different take on literature. I would not recommend one to read this book as a fictional adventure story. Doing so will not only furrow your brow, it will leave you skipping large portions of well-written essays in order to satisfy your story-telling needs.

It is, in my best judgment, a wonderful religious fictional essay. The characters almost get in the way if they didn’t serve as transitions for the next essay. When approaching the book from this direction, one may find it interesting and possibly life changing. It’s obvious that Brown has done many independent meditations on philosophy. Christopher “Marti” Martinez President, Zonked Arthropods Among Us

At first, I was not so thrilled with reading a science fiction / fantasy book about a fifteen year old boy. I can’t relate to a boy and science fiction / fantasy is not my favorite genre. However, after I read “One Witness’ Appeal,” I was intrigued because it changed my point of view. It probably wasn’t going to be like those cheesy, cheap science fiction novels. So I read and read slowly and found my interest level rising. I finished the book and had a totally different idea of what I thought it was going to be. This book is a religious / philosophical book about life. Every time I finished the reading I felt such an inner peace that love can conquer all and that people do care and are friendly. I felt motivated to do good, inspire people, help people to the best of their abilities.

I am not into the galaxy, aliens, and funky places, but in this book it didn’t bother me. I just took it in and it was good. This book has a lot of juicy information. This book covers far more aspects of life than other books I’ve read. If you are not into philosophy and purpose of life then this is not the book for you. However, with the funny and imaginative adventures Augustus has, it balances the philosophical ideas. The ideas are put in simple and understandable terms. The

narrator didn’t annoy me. It helped move the story along, something like the Princess Bride. I like what the novel has to say about life because I can relate to it. Sonia Vargas Member, Humans Humble Assembling Life

As a female and future mother, I applaud the effort offered in Jeff Brown’s Black Body Radiation and the Ultraviolet Catastrophe (2005) to urge us to develop compassion and eternal spirit to undermine the pernicious influence of materialism and self-interest in contemporary society. And Augustus, the eternal model, the hallmark human, espouses our eternal nature, suggesting we view our lives not from the temporal perspective, but that of the eternal.

Our focus on material concerns and our own interests have robbed us of our compassion toward others, our appreciation of life, and has undermined our faith. When the mysterious being visits Augustus initially, its only message is “Just here to tell you to keep the faith.” Augustus is not sure why he is selected to receive such a special visit, but eventually his magical and mystical experiences with a fish, Bebe, a young boy of great heart, and others like the closed-minded Mel, make him aware of his capacity for humility, appreciation, and most of all compassion.

Mel, a machine, longs for pain so he can feel the pleasure and joy of health. In a similar manner, Brown is suggesting we have had a life of too much material comfort that has inured us, in our machine-like capitalistic routines, to the pain of others and, thereby, decreased our own feeling of joy from living a life of compassionate service connected to the divine. As we are told Mel tells his friends on Gerund, “How I dream of feeling the sweet nectar of pain, then its subsiding and removal only to fully appreciate and understand the joy, comfort and pleasure of good health. Nasrin Zakeri Founder, FEMDEM (Future Mothers Digging Eternal Modeling)

What is this Black Body Radiation and the Ultraviolet

Catastrophe? Well, take Douglas Adam’s Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, cross-breed it with Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist, dress it up

with pop Buddhism and cosmology, and add some ping-pong dialog styled after the movie His Girl Friday, and you have some idea of the flavor of this book. It’s more quantum theoretical than Einsteinian, if you get my drift. Book analysis. The style of the novel is quite light hearted. Augustus’s adventures appear to serve largely as literary methods of taking him from one point—spiritually, intellectually, or geographically—to another, where the author can expound on his theories of cosmic causation, science, epistemology, and ontology. In fact, so frequently do these set-piece speeches occur that the reader becomes suspicious that the plot serves the author only as an excuse to set out his own philosophy. This style of exposition would be intensely boring but for the author’s frequent, colorful intrusions into the narrative. It is serious literature taken down a notch by down-to-earth-hey-we’re-just-imperfect-stumbling-humans humor that intrigues, absorbs and enraptures. Ganga Shrestha a human

One Witness’s Appeal I, Commander William Holtenzennerson, attest to the urgency and accuracy of the following message, herein conveyed to the general public via the authoritative author of record, the Auger supreme. Having been commissioned by and been in the employ of the son of the great Universal Auger and lecture circuit extraordinaire, I can attest to the integrity and sincerity of the message and character of the later via firsthand association with the former and observation of said author in my youth.

We are all aware of the great Augur’s message and the universal acceptance of it; however, as of late, as more time has passed, many have put his words in the realm of folklore and legend, lessening the import of his words, thus my reason for writing this prelude—a warning to all who are willing to pay heed. We, as a people, are bound to mistake and oversight, even after being instructed in the right. It is an unfortunate yet unavoidable part of our nature that after a fashion, we fall back on past mistakes—a forgetting or neglecting that is an all to prevalent part of human nature. We may be wooed and awed by great words and works of priests and prophets, but without the constant nourishment of want our need for the words of such men or beings wanes. During times of emotional and spiritual lack, we pine and search for great leaders who will bring us right and allow healing to commence. After a time, we do come to a greater understanding of what is essential, all things eternal over that of the temporal, and do prosper because of it. However, after our shortage of understanding has been cured and our want abates, we inevitably return to things material, a turning, once again, to the self and all its wanton desires—desires of the flesh and not of the greater, eternal spirit that resides within. I send this forward as a warning, a pleading for all those within its grasp to pay heed to its message and ask you to discipline yourselves to see its need and the need for constant nourishment to the eternal soul over that of the temporal flesh. I ask for your compliance in the humble hope that it may spark and maintain an intense interest in perpetuating that which the great Augur speaks of within. We may, I believe, through sheer effort and determination, through constant reminder and focus, be able to overcome that which has caused nation to rise against nation, world to war against world, galaxy to confront

galaxy. For the sake of all intelligent and eternal sentient beings, I ask for a serious consideration of that which the great Augur puts forth in the following pages. To all willing to comply may they find peace and prosperity and bring the same to those with war still in their hearts. Commander Holtenzennerson Zommertonplentyagogo, Twelve Revolutions Asunder, Third Quadrant, Rhombusvoid 4.2

1

There was a great, bright light coming from underneath Augustus’ bedroom door, a thick, heavy light. The kind of light the great religions talk about, light laden with hope and promise, unbounded light. The type of light honed by thousands of years of Eastern and Western testament to its power as a spiritual force. The same light that long ago scared St. Augustine off the spiritual path. It was a light like no other light Augustus had seen before. He approached it like he would his sister about to bite into the last piece of cake, that is, if he had one—a sister that is. More on this lack later. Because of the excitement, his senses were heightened. If a ladybug on Slim Fast fell on a dozen cotton balls, Augustus would have heard it. He reached for the doorknob and turned it with the firm gentleness of a racecar driver maneuvering through a deadly hairpin turn at optimum speed. It barely made a sound, but in his mind it went off like a hydrogen bomb. Nevertheless, his curiosity blinded him to any danger and he moved on, opening the door cautiously, exposing his room ever so slowly, inch by inch by inch until … he saw it. Amongst the massive light, floating above his bed was a being. It was glowing, light within light within light. Augustus had to shield his eyes, and as he did so he looked through his fingers trying to make out the being’s face, but there was too much light. Regardless of his inability to see, he was receiving an impression, one that conveyed profound wisdom, knowledge of the eternities, supreme compassion, a nimble and focused intellect. Just then … it spoke. “What am I, a Van Gogh or an intelligent being? You gonna talk to me or take notes, art boy?” Augustus froze, his mouth wide open and locked in position. “Oh, that’s handsome. Now I see why on Saturdays your pimples get more attention than the ladies. I’ll tell ya what, we toss a throw rug under ya, swing a plant from your lower lip and I think we’ve found your reason for being.”

Augustus tried to speak but the only thing that came out was “Burble, Burble.” “O.K. Fine, thanks, and how are you? You know, there’s this brook down the street that’s in need of some conversation. I’ll tell ya

2

what, Shakespeare, let’s take a step up the food chain and try communicating like a couple of barnyard foul. Can ya cluck? I don’t know ‘burble, burble’ but I do have a Cluck to English dictionary on me.” “I’m I’m I’m…” “That’s that’s that’s good good good but but but we we we talk talk talk like like like this this this and and and eternity eternity eternity is is is gonna gonna gonna take take take on on on a a a whole whole whole new new new meaning meaning meaning.” “Sorry.” “One thought, one word. You’re on my level now, Shakespeare.” “Who … who are you, or … what?” “Me? What am I? Up until a couple of weeks ago employed—at least regularly, that is. Since I was laid off from my full-time job, I’ve had only the occasional contract assignment. You know how it is these days with temp work on the rise in these economically unstable times. I used to have a steady gig, inspiring, protecting, soothing, match making. It was a great job, had great benefits too, dental, medical, and the life insurance? Well, I personally know the creator of the policy. Anyway, I’m here to give you a message.” “Wha—what is it?” “Oh, nothing really. Just here to tell you to keep the faith. Sorry, recent budget cuts don’t allow for additional cajoling and nudging.” “That’s it? For such a simple message, why all the light? The pyrotechnics? The unearthly glow?” “To tell you the truth, I don’t look so good in earth tones. But I can’t get into that right now. I’m late for an appointment.” “Go? You just got here, and you haven’t told me a thing!” “Well, it’s creative license. Us mysterious beings aren’t mysterious for nothing. See ya.” “Hey! You coming back?” “You bet cha Shakespeare.” And just like that he was gone. Augustus couldn’t believe what had just happened. This extraordinary being appears out of nowhere, says “keep the faith,” like some outdated hippie, makes a few derogatory comments about his intelligence and dating skills and then disappears without a trace.

3

He mulled over the possibilities as to why such a being of obvious import and intent would appear to him, a mere boy. Sure, a little unusual in his ability with science and such but still just a mere boy. (Note. This is your omnipresent narrator. Let’s get to it before much more time passes here. For your information, I’ll be checking in once in a while—as you may have already noticed—hopefully not messing too much with the flow of the story. But ya know, who really cares? I’ve been given license to do as I please by the guy writing this thing, and I’ll do as I please. Ya know that writers are the narrators, right? But they act like we don’t know. Suspend belief. Oh! we’re so tricked. Like sure, we’re such children. In this case, however, the writer doesn’t have a clue as to what I’m doing. Why did he give me full reign? Well, it’s a personal thing between him and me. Why? I’m not tellin’. Anyway, there ya have it. Story.) What could he possibly possess that would make a celestial being appear? Augustus went over his short life for some time but couldn’t find anything that stood out. He wasn’t a particularly religious person. He used to pray but hadn’t done so in years. His mom and dad were biannual Catholics, showing up on the most festive days when flowers adorned the church with great color—Easter and Christmas. But they never sat down with Augustus to discuss anything spiritual. They did tell him things like ‘an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth,’ ‘you’re the apple of my eye,’ ‘the salt of the earth,’ but that was it. No big lectures on anything of great spiritual intensity or insight. So why had this mysterious being appeared? Augustus had no clue, but he did know what to do in times of trouble—hit the Falafel Palace and order up a big and lumpy falafel with two sides to go. Hey, it wasn’t the solution, but with none in sight it was a good way to get away for some open air and contemplation, and to fill a void in one’s belly.

Augustus, still buzzing from the encounter, flew down the stairs past his parents—who were, as usual, working quietly and separately at their respective desks in the expansive den/library—out to the garage and vaulted onto his Huffy Motor-Cross XG Barracuda. As he sped away, he wondered how they hadn’t noticed such a great light coming from his room. But that was another problem. He had enough on his plate.

4

Before we go on, let’s get some background information on the little tyke, shall we? I know you’re waiting for the info, along with the author’s writing teacher, and all critics who expect such a thing. I digress. There are three things that upset Augustus the most (in ascending order), having to find a date for any big high school dance, people who insist on playing Nintendo Baseball Simulator 2000 in hyper mode, and extraterrestrials appearing for no apparent reason. He didn’t appreciate it when it happened in Orphan Factory From Dimension Quadra and he didn’t appreciate it now. He wasn’t sure why this upset him so much, but he felt it might have something to do with the fact that it put things in a state of imbalance. And he had enough of that in his life already, at least that’s what his counselor kept telling him. And he wasn’t sure how much he believed his counselor either. As Augustus peddled along he began to tire. All the worrying and intense white light had put a drain on him. He was down a quart physically and emotionally. He knew that scientifically speaking light of such brightness was pretty hot and it could drain one of energy. But his concern over what this mysterious being wanted of him caused the biggest drain. Oh, word of note. If you’re looking for some big time description and location verification, extensive flowery details on the boy, his mom and dad, home, hometown, and so on, forget it. Well, maybe once in a while, and I’ll get to some of it eventually. Hey, I may be the omnipresent narrator, but I ain’t no go by the rules, conformist, stuffed shirt. I’ll do as I please and you’ll like it. There. I’m done. Story.

He was approaching his high school and saw the tall, soft grass next to the practice field and found it quite inviting. It was a late Sunday afternoon and no one was around, so he parked his bike and flopped onto the grass. He continued to run his problem through his mind while lying on his back staring into the cloudy, blue sky, but before you could say angelic sighting he was out like a bright white light. Next thing he knew he was being chased by two giant lox. (Such is the case with dreams. They often don’t give much of a set up or lead in—obviously they haven’t spoken to the author’s writing teacher.) He quickly ducked under a solitary bench in a stark Gumby-esc

5

countertop scene. But before that scene could develop, he was in the kitchen with his mother washing dishes, Augustus was drying. All of a sudden a hoard of floating Anglo-Saxons, glowing nevertheless, began attacking from the back yard. Augustus did the only thing one could do in such a situation. He began tossing the Tungsten 2000 Exacto steak knives—and with alarming accuracy. Before he knew it, and before he could get in any good shots, the scene shifted and Augustus was sitting in the backyard up against the house—sans the marauding invaders, of course. He regretted this later because he would never know if he were capable of destroying those pesky Anglo-Saxons, therefore, modestly avenging the awful plundering and destruction of his Celtic ancestors. That’s another tale for another book. Sitting quietly now, Augustus felt empty and lonely. Not because the Anglo Saxons weren’t there anymore but for an entirely different reason. He felt like there was no one on earth who cared, loved, or possessed a triple digit I.Q. It amazed him that even in his dreams (yes, he realized he was dreaming; he’s a smart boy, ya know) these worries followed him. Augustus felt bleak, lost, and totally, completely, absolutely without hope. Right then and there he knew—like he knew whenever things got bleak in one of his dreams—that at any moment … they would come. And sure enough, he began to sense their presence. Ever so slowly, centimeter by centimeter, he moved his gaze upward, hesitantly at first and then more swiftly, anticipating the inevitable, horrific encounter. Like a passer-by viewing a violent, catastrophic, vehicular mosh-pit: vehicle after vehicle after vehicle slamming and smashing into each other and one not being able to look away. It was big time stuff. Certain history making front-page news.

Well, unless, of course, Superficials, that new restaurant owned by a bunch of supermodels opened the same morning. Not a likely chance. But one most men and other male beings would hope for, I’m sure. Augustus now sat horrified with his gaze fixed. There they were, thirty, forty, fifty, sixty or more. Like a massive flock of migrating birds moving ominously on the horizon, alien spacecraft arriving to sterilize the earth for takeover and habitation. Augustus now knew what the emptiness of a godless world felt like. Despair had just sucker punched hope and it looked like her knees were about to buckle.

6

He leapt to his feet and went sprinting into the house, heart jack-hammering in his chest, a monsoon of fear-laden sweat pouring off his neck and brow, drenching him, making his skin volatile, foreign and potentially uninhabitable for a reassuring, life preserving embrace from his mom—who would have been sitting in a chair but now was on her feet as her panic stricken son came stumbling into the room. “What’s wrong, dear?” “The—the sky it’s—it’s full of them!” Augustus fumbled forth. His mother looked toward the large sliding glass doors that led to the deck, which enabled one to see the expansive view of the backyard and quite a bit beyond: the horizon that stretched for miles, including the cranberry bog, private beachfront property and miles of open ocean. His mother saw nothing but knew better than to say so. “There, there dear. It’s quite alright,” said his mother as her face expanded and contracted in and out of focus, causing her red circus nose to look like a beach ball at times, which really contrasted nicely with her powder-white face, bright orange cheeks and huge orange hair. Augustus slowly began to recover. Eventually, there was enough space between sobs to squeak out, “Really?” Glub, glub, glub. “Yes, dear. There’s nothing to worry about.” Whoosh, whoosh, went the nose. “But—but they’re flying saucers. Flying saucers only come from other dimensions or other galaxies.” He looked at his mother with the lingering hope of a convicted felon on death row about to be read his last rights. She looked deep and reassuringly into his eyes: “Honey, if they were from another planet, why would they keep flashing the message, ‘Free coffee mug with every fill-up’?” Augustus looked at the window, squinted real hard while pleading, “They could be smart aliens who’ve researched our culture and need to make a buck to get supplies to fix their multi-dimensional hopping warp drive system.” His mother pursed her lips, tilted her head and looked at her son sideways. “I hate to disappoint you, Augustus, but I only see one thing in the sky and that thing is a human made aircraft, honey.” She looked at Augustus reassuringly and squeezed her nose twice. Honk. Honk. “Hey loser boy, get a life. Wooooooooowhoooooooo.” Honk. Honk.

7

Augustus woke with a snap, looking at the back end of a blue and white truck full of high school boys expressing themselves with waves and gestures that need not be explained or expanded upon here. These were bad boys, or at least they considered themselves so.

But seriously, put them, their jacked-up trucks and No Fear stickers in a country with an evil dictator who punishes acts of kindness with the death sentence and we’ll see how they consider themselves then, wont’ we? Sorry, I digress. Augustus shook his head to get the sleep out, feeling better after his quick nap.

But these dreams … they were often so vivid. He had once read something about how dreams could tell the dreamer what was bothering him, or maybe where he could look for solutions to problems. He had also heard how those with exceptional ability, some even being tied to the divine, could forecast the future through dreams. They could have visions and dream dreams. He often wondered if he might have this ability. He never mentioned it to anyone, but after this visit from the mysterious being, he found it the only connection to anything of spiritual significance in his life. On occasion, he did see some of his dreams come to light.

One night he had dreamed about a new student coming to his school, one who was fraught with great anguish. There was something of great weight on this boy’s mind, something dark and ominous. And when Augustus woke, he felt like he had been embraced too dearly by this insidious darkness. He remembered it taking some time before he was able to convince himself that it was just a dream and everything was all right.

Weeks passed, and Augustus had forgotten about the dream, until one day a new student was being introduced to the class. Augustus nearly lost his breakfast. It was the boy from his dream. And since his dreams were so vivid, Augustus noticed how the boy spoke, moved and looked identical to the boy in his dream. All the dark feelings that Augustus had talked himself out of that night came back full force. But it was weeks before Augustus discovered why the boy carried such a heavy, dark weight. As a matter of fact, there were few in the student body who knew anything about him for some time, for all were quite put off by this strange boy. However, there was one who knew the source of the boy’s darkness. Augustus discovered it quite by accident.

8

One day he was walking back to the locker room from the soccer field after gym class and discovered halfway there that he had forgotten his jacket and ran back to get it. All the other students had made the turn around the corner of the building, so as Augustus ran back to the field he was alone. And he hadn’t noticed the boy until after he had picked up his jacket and began jogging back; he was some fifty yards to Augustus’ left, hunched over near a clump of trees. Augustus jogged over to see if there was anything amiss. Just as he was about to address this person, Augustus noticed that it was the new boy and that there was something lying on the ground in front of him. What it was Augustus never found out, for both the boy and the object in question disappeared. But the strangest thing happened right before. The boy turned and with great calm he smiled a most radiant, benevolent smile. Whatever darkness Augustus and the other students had witnessed was no longer with the boy, at least for this brief period of time. Whatever lay at the bottom of the darkness appeared to be relieved by what the boy had taken with him.

One other point of note was the noise and massive energy influx Augustus witnessed before the boy and the object disappeared. If he wasn’t mistaken, Augustus believed that the anomaly may have been the source of the boy’s transportation. But he didn’t take the thought beyond this point, for he wanted to forget what he had seen. These were not things he could bring up to his parents, friends, teachers or counselor. Augustus felt it was just better to let things lie. And he did.

He jumped back on his bike and was soon in the middle of town

just moments away from his falafel fix. He was sitting at a light with his foot on the curb waiting for it to turn green as he envisioned his road to recovery via images of a soothing, fresh order of falafel with mushrooms and eggplant. As he daydreamed about his belly therapy, two girls in a brand new, yellow Mustang pulled up next to him. They were rather attractive. And if Augustus had noticed them, his falafel dream-bubble would have certainly burst. And the bursting of that bubble would have revealed another dream, for sure, but of the more significant variety. Anyway, let’s see how our boy is doing.

The girl with the gargantuan brown eyes and massive, wavy, brown hair breaking over her tanned and freckled shoulders noticed our young protagonist and greeted him with a raspy, “Hi there, handsome.” He looked and saw that dream; Augustus’ spirits soared.

9

Utilizing the jet aircraft simile, I’d say they flew like a S-3B Viking with two TF-34-GE-400B engines pushing 9,275 pounds of turbo thrust, or maybe even a F-16C/D with a single F100-PW-200/220 pushing 27,000 pounds of thrust, or, or, or … O.K., this is our little man Augustus. So maybe it was more like the tiny claymation thrust of Jay Jay the Jet Plane. Anyway … He quickly forgot all aeronautical and intergalactic concerns. He couldn’t believe his luck, but what would they want with him, these beautiful, should he say, women? They were at least juniors, probably seniors, why would they bother with a lowly freshman like him? The driver of the car spoke next. She was even more beautiful than the passenger. Dream within a dream within a dream. Mr. Freud, where are you when we need you?

“Hey, sweetie, why don’t you park the bike and come for a ride?”

Her smile melted the plastic on his handlebars. “Yeah,” said the passenger, “why don’t you park the bike and ask your mommy if you can come to our conference cookout tomorrow night? There’s only going to be thirty-eight girls there, all cheerleaders.”

She and her friend were now giggling with considerable force. However, Augustus was slightly distracted, for he was working on something.

Cheerleaders? That’s it! Augustus said to himself. They had made him so nervous he hadn’t realized who they

were, until now. They were the most popular cheerleaders in his high school’s conference. In the past when they came to town, he had even give up his scientific experiments for one night just to see them. He didn’t recognize them at first because they were out of uniform. But having them at his high school was like having supermodels in training visit your school.

He was beside himself. And everyone else he could cozy up to, I’m sure. The prettiest one said, “You might have to stay a second day, ya know.” Augustus lost his grip. “Yeah, because we’ll need a couple of days to teach you how to speak adult before we can hang out with you. Da do do do. Da da da da.”

10

Hysterical laughter followed as they punched the gas and sped off waving and sneering at Augustus’ expense. As he watched, the will to live suddenly departed from his frail frame and he tumbled to the ground. It was as if they had sucked his skeleton from his body and magically turned him into some type of non-vertebrate. A snake, perhaps. He couldn’t believe how quickly his luck had changed. They had just transported him to a plane of existence that he was sure only creatures from another dimension could inhabit, or Elvis, and then pulled the cosmic carpet right out from under him. Well, he didn’t care. He never understood girls anyway, all that primping in the rearview mirror with their heads tilted back and mouths wide open like baby birds waiting for their mother to stuff a big, fat night crawler down their gullets. Who needs them anyway. Augustus mumbled to the ground. He picked up his bike and headed home in disgust, being in such a state of disarray that he had totally forgotten about his falafel therapy.

2

Augustus arrived home. His mother and father remained glued to their desks. It appeared that they hadn’t gotten up since he had left over an hour ago. They acknowledged him with standard half-hearted hello and wave and went back to their respective piles of papers. Augustus went to his room and plunked himself down on his desk chair. He decided that nothing mattered to him anymore. He felt like the poster-boy for human despair. He put the right side of his face on the desk and flopped his arms down at his sides. He tried to think positively, but he couldn’t muster enough energy to think about feeling good never mind doing it. He was not a happy bright-summer-day-tent-in-the-woods-sitting-around-the-campfire-sing-alonger. But this was nothing new, for life had often not been too friendly to Augustus. He frequently experienced things like panic attacks, colds, headaches, indigestion, and numbing sensations coursing through his body, most of which could never be explained by his doctor. While he was feeling ill he couldn’t stand being with people. He felt they were all against him or that the only thing they were thinking about was how stupid he looked, or acted, or spoke. He rolled out of the chair and flopped onto the bed, immobilized, staring at the walls of his room. Those same walls covered with posters and pictures of some of the world’s greatest scientists: Einstein, Plank, Bohr, Newton, Maxwell, Fenymen, Hawking, among others. On surrounding tables were piles of research papers, models and scientific measuring devices, but it would be some time before he would have use for any of these things again. At times his life amazed him. Here he was, a boy of fifteen with parents who gave him everything he needed, at least materially. However, he virtually lived alone; ate whenever he wanted to, but usually by himself; came and went as he pleased but unobserved; had all he needed in his room, but one that sat at the far end of the house and one floor above his mother and father. He used to use the front door just to inform his parents where he was going, but they would merely wave a hand regardless of what he said. Now most of his exits went unannounced and unobserved. The reason his parents didn’t bother with him much was because he was a straight A student. His mother often told her friends that Augustus was never a problem: “How could he be? He gets

12

straight A’s.” As if good grades were a cure all. Sure, he had his share of problems. What fifteen-year-old didn’t? But going to his parents for advice was like asking his high school buddies what it was like to be out of work with car payments, mortgage and dwindling college funds for the kids. Not that his parents didn’t love him, or wouldn’t occasionally help him out, but he often felt more the parent than the child. He really had no one to turn to, not even a brother or sister. He was one lonely hombre. To give you an idea as to what he had to deal with, late one night he was in his room working, and his parents and a couple of their friends came over and started singing and playing the stereo very loud. It was well after midnight and most of the neighbors were already asleep, so Augustus had to go downstairs to quiet things down. The couple visiting was Mr. and Mrs. Templeton, and they were just as smashed as Augustus’ mom and dad. “Well now, what’s bothering you, Einstein?” was Mr. Templeton’s way of getting a laugh. “Don’t get your beaker in a bunch.” This of course got everyone laughing. Augustus could only give a frail smile and go to his room to wait for the police. They were over the house at least once a month and got to know his parents quite well. Augustus was seldom able to get his parents and their friends to quiet down, so he often called the police station posing as a disturbed neighbor who couldn’t sleep. Augustus had another problem on top of his unruly parents, his social life. He often wondered why he dedicated a greater portion of his life to science while most of the other kids were off playing. He only knew that there was something great that had to be discovered and he was driven to find it. He wasn’t exactly sure what it was, but he knew that someday he would reveal something to the world that would be of great importance. When performing his experiments, in his heart he often felt like an artist composing a masterpiece. But he knew that scientists were more like archeologists than artists. Even though there is a certain amount of creativity used in observing phenomenon and making that leap of logic that leads to a discovery, ultimately, scientists are merely interpreting what their training and intuition has given them the sensitivity to see—that which is already there. Augustus knew that Einstein was aware of this, for he had spoken of the great order of the universe and how its cohesiveness gave little doubt that a great and

13

omniscient mind exists, one that had set it all in motion. Even though Einstein was making discoveries he knew that he was merely revealing the mind of God (my term here; actually he wasn’t religious, but you get the point), or those things that had already been conceived and created. Augustus was drifting along on this line of thought when suddenly … he heard it. A sound. An expansive sound. A big ‘un. The type of sound the engine of a spaceship the size of the moon would make as it taxis just a couple hundred yards above you, as you lay on your back in the front yard almost belly to belly with its hugeness. It blocking the sun on a supposedly bright summer day. Rumble, rumble, rumble it intoned. It was a sound with attitude, a sound with bite. One that knew no one would ignore it. Like a burgeoning starlet at the Mann’s Chinese Theatre appearing for her first movie opening, replete with kisses and cooings, well planned swishes and sways: transient, affected, eye piercing gyrations and all. Augustus got up off the bed and ever so slowly moved towards the closet. The sound was so loud he could see the walls shaking. He was amazed that his parents hadn’t come crashing into his room. Nevertheless, he inched towards the closet with caution. His hand hung in the air within inches of the doorknob, not sure if he would take the plunge. Finally, he grabbed it, but because of the shaking his hand came off several times before he was finally able to maintain a hold. He held on with all his might, threw caution to the wind and flung the door open. From within the closet came a thunderous clap. A tremendous force greeted Augustus, sucking and pulling, sucking and pulling. He lost his grip on the door and disappeared into the closet in the blink of an eye—and then some. The force had amazing strength, paralyzing Augustus as it engulfed him in a pitch-black void. He felt he might get torn apart at any moment. If he was inside what he thought he might be in, then it was just a matter of seconds before he was shredded into millions of pieces. Through the tremendous trembling of his body and blinding flashes of electricity that surged through his mind, amazingly, Augustus was still able to consider how this black hole had formed in the back of his closet.

Yes, my friends, a black hole. Augustus felt that maybe it had been transported there by

creatures from another dimension, another time, or maybe by some

14

vicious adolescent girls. But if it were a black hole, he surely would have been ripped apart by now, wouldn’t he? All this was too much for him to bear. He felt consciousness coming and going, ebbing and flowing. But if it were a black hole, what should he do? Well, actually, he did know that it was a rather simple procedure to tame and capture a black hole. If one so desired. He had read about it in an article in one of his science magazines. After reading, he ran the procedure over in his mind, making the necessary adjustments in the formulas where he noticed errors. It was a rather simple procedure. Really! For all one needed was a negatively charged iron rod to place in the torus, or the center of the black hole, then fire millions of tones of charged particles at it so it can be maintained on the rod. And viola! you’ve got yourself black hole on a stick. But he didn’t have the necessary apparatus to accomplish this feat, so he did the next best thing. He passed out.

3 When he woke he felt groggy and disoriented, but after a few minutes, and a couple dozen shakes of the head, he was able to look around. The black hole was gone, and now he sat not amongst a churning mass of infinite energy but in the middle of a sun-lit field. As he looked about, he saw a half dozen huts sitting several hundred yards away. They were rather small, maybe thirty feet in length, and their steep angled roofs that nearly reached the ground were covered with thatch. The landscape around them was relatively flat, with the exception of a few mounds here and there. It was also treeless, except for a large clump that grew a good distance behind the huts. His eyes then fell on some unusual stones that ran alongside the dirt road in front of the huts. They seemed to have been put up on their ends as if marking something.

He didn’t spend much time thinking about all that lay before him when he decided it was time to move. However, he was feeling quite stiff and a little banged up from the journey. Attempting to stand he quickly fell back on his rump. He sat for several minutes before attempting another move. Very slowly, he rose to his feet upon mostly stable legs. Where he was he had no idea. He had traveled with his parents quite a bit throughout the states and never saw terrain like this. It looked quite foreign.

He began wandering in the direction of the huts, rather stiffly, pausing and turning here and there to observe his surroundings. There didn’t seem to be anyone around, when all of a sudden he heard a humming. Someone or something was humming a very somber tune. It was rather stilted and reminded Augustus of ceremonial songs from his youth.

A church choir at a very large cathedral in New York City had performed the songs. His mother had begged his father to go to the cathedral because she felt that her prayers had a better chance of being heard there than anywhere else. This was when they lived back east and Augustus’ father hadn’t yet struck it rich with his computer software company. Augustus often longed for those days when his parents would go to church on Sundays rather than sit at their desks working. Even though his parents still fought, before they moved west he remembered them doing so in a more lighthearted manner.

16

Augustus’ mother believed that this cathedral was the principal church of the diocese. With all the attention that was focused on the cathedral, God would surely be listening there, at least more so than at other places of worship. His parents weren’t very religious, but Augustus’ mother felt the occasional need to go in for what she called “a spiritual tune-up.” To appease her guilt, she would go to confessional one Saturday a month and tell the priest, “Forgive me father, for I’m going to start over again on Monday.” When Augustus’ dad started making money with his computer business, they moved to California, got rich, and stopped going to church, except for those days when the church was most pretty: Easter and Christmas.

Augustus began to walk toward the singing, and as he did so, two men on horses came bounding out of nowhere. They were moving at quite a rapid pace and were engaged in an intense conversation. When they came upon Augustus, they had to quickly rein in their horses to avoid running him over. As they settled the horses, they looked more annoyed than puzzled at seeing this child before them. Why puzzled? Well, they were wearing solid armor and chain mail with swords dangling from their sides. Augustus was wearing jeans, baseball cap and tee shirt. Because of this, the topic of conversation may have changed but the intensity remained the same.

As the warriors discussed, Augustus took note of something quite odd. Even though the language they spoke seemed unfamiliar, he was still able to place it. He thought that it seemed very old or runic.

Runic? Where did that word come from? Augustus thought to himself.

He knew the word connoted something ancient; otherwise, he had no idea what it meant. It just popped into his head; nevertheless, it did, for some reason, seem to describe the language accurately. Something else seemed odd. As the men spoke, Augustus was surprisingly able to understand every word.

It was a good thing too because in the coming minutes his life would depend on it.

“Dust thou think he was sent to us as sacrifice? Should not the great Nertus be fed a potent youth to praise and appease her? She protects us and sustains us with her forests and streams. Should we not appease the great Mother, her terrestrial holiness, for all that she has done for us?”

17

“Words of truth, good brother, yet look at his garb, does he not dress as the great Hermes, messenger of the gods? For look at his head, it does sprout wings, and his feet, the air breathes beneath and does sustain,” said the blond haired brother, his horse twisting about underneath him.

Augustus pondered this statement. Wings? Then he realized he was wearing his Thor, god of thunder,

baseball cap with protruding wings and handy drawstring, that if pulled made them flap. He also realized that his sneakers had rather thick, transparent souls that might make it seem to the uninitiated that he was floating a few inches off the ground.

It slowly dawned on Augustus that these men weren’t performing an ancient reenactment, but that he may have actually traveled back in time.

“If he is Hermes,” said the brown haired brother with an upturned chin “then let him speak.”

“I think I will. That is, if you don’t mind?” Augustus said timidly. The brothers merely crossed their arms and glared. “To tell you the truth,” Augustus continued, “I don’t think sacrificing me will do any good. Personally, I don’t think you should sacrifice anymore, permanently. O.K.? Real important now, listen up.” Augustus was gaining steam. “Not only is it going to come back on you in a few years because of the woman or child abuse issue … I assume you sacrifice women too?” Head nodding from the brothers here. Augustus continued. “Bottom line, putting a person to death to make a god happy is not a good trade off. Believe me, I study numbers and these don’t pan out.”

The brothers looked at each other inquisitively. “Really,” said Augustus, “think about it. By killing me you’re

just going to make a bunch of people real unhappy, like my mom and dad, grandma and grandpa … People like yourselves! Carbon based bipeds, not some master of the universe dealing with man by putting his heroes to sea for a couple of decades, torturing him with unrequited love, or making him roll rocks up a hill for eternity.”

The warriors looked at Augustus with blank stares. “Well, your gods may not have done those things, but I think

we can agree they come from the same gene pool, can’t we?” The blank stares lessened a little here. “Good.” Augustus straightened up

18

and continued. “Maybe it’s about time you thought about finding some more benevolent gods, or god! That’s an even better idea. Maybe you should cut down on the inventory. It’s a lot easier dealing with the number one. Believe me, it’s simplified my love life.”

“Look brother, he unlocks a word hoard,” said the fair-haired brother. Then he turned to Augustus with intensity and said, “Are you sent of the gods to try us, to see which way we will turn? A test, per chance, or maybe a trick? You are either wise or a fool and risk our anger by drawing a bow at a venture.”

“If he speaks not the truth,” said the dark-haired brother, “we will merely throw him in whale pasture—drowning fit for a heretic.”

“Yes, that we will do. Drag him over whale-road until monsters take him in to keep their living,” said the blond haired brother, taking a fist to the air for emphasis.

This didn’t sound good to Augustus. His pre-flight motor shoved the key in the ignition for him, for he was rather busy at the moment, thank you.

“Good brother, ponder,” said the brown-haired brother. “If we sacrifice one that is not beyond the flower of his youth, we will suffer at the hands of Aphrodite. For if we take one away before she has graced him our lives may be taken in trade.”

“My anger stands at the ready. I care not for what is done. Decide! Shall he be as sacrifice or not?”

“You respect your older brother little. And continuing so, hand payment will be applied to your tongue’s guardian.”

“I am tired, good brother, and the world’s candle burns hot. Let us resolve this matter promptly,” said the fair-haired brother brandishing a fist.

As the brothers continued to argue, Augustus was pretty sure that the only way out of this situation was flight. It was now or never. As he slowly began to back up, the brothers continued their heated debate. He was trying to move as smoothly as possible, hoping he could slip away unnoticed.

Just then he heard a noise. It came from the direction of the singing he had heard earlier.

“Psssssst,” it went. Augustus turned and saw a boy about his age peering out from

behind one of the huts. “Follow me,” the boy whispered.

19

Augustus did as the boy suggested and followed him into the clump of trees behind the huts. They began moving down a narrow trail at a substantial pace. As they did so, Augustus noticed that the trees above formed a perfect canopy over the trail. The boys were moving quite rapidly. Augustus was expecting to break into an opening any moment, for he estimated that the clump of trees couldn’t have been more than a hundred feet deep. But something strange was happening.

Not only were Augustus and this boy not breaking into the open but with every step they took the path behind them was closing, looking as if it had never been there. What was once a path blended in with the rest of the forest as quickly as the boys could run. It was as if the trees, shrubs, and grass were working together to cover their trail. They finally came to a stop where the path came to an end, or did it? At this point Augustus wasn’t sure of much.

“Under here,” the boy said. Augustus scrunched down and scooted under some low hanging

branches covered with ivy that were so thick they formed a wall, one that stretched as far as the eye could see in either direction. As he straightened up on the other side, Augustus saw something that astonished him. They now stood in a huge clearing, the trees forming a natural ceiling high overhead. Because the branches were so thick, Augustus surmised that if it rained no one would get wet. The ceiling rose some seventy feet into the air. The trees that made the ceiling formed a perfect circle, and in the center of the circle was a great commotion. Within was a thriving, miniature town.

Not only was the town small so were its occupants. After a moment, Augustus realized that they weren’t people but small woodland creatures. They all knew the boy, and as they scurried by they said things like, “Top of the morning, Bebe,” “Who’s the too-tall, Bebe?” “Hi Bebe, what’s with the new vertical?” The animals rushed about, moving here and there as they ran errands, stopping now and then to take a look at the new creature in town.

With a genuine smile the boy said, “Don’t mind them. They can be a little rude at first, but they’re very nice once they get used to you.”

He was about Augustus’ age and stood a few inches taller. His hair was short and fair, framing the upper portion of his face with gentle curls. He wore a robe with a detailed design about the cuffs and down the front where it fastened. But most impressive was the boy’s face. It shone with such confidence and grace, a grace beyond his years.

20

“What’s your name?” asked the boy. “Augustus.” “I’m Bebe, but you already know that, and this is the town of

Finn,” he said waving his hand before him. “What brings you here?” “Actually,” Augustus said demurely, “my closet.” “Yes, I’ve heard of such a thing,” said the boy with a wry smile. Quickly changing the subject, Augustus said, “Who were those

two men back there?” “Soldiers on patrol. Of late, the king has been much more wary

of strangers. There have been a lot of invasions in recent years. Sometimes they have a practical basis—food shortage, disease—other times it is just to show who wears the bigger trousers.”

Looking around, his mind working rapidly, stimulated by all the excitement, Augustus said, “You know, I could have sworn that when I looked at these woods from the outside they took up a lot less space than they appear to now.”

“Yes, that will happen. Some say it is the Old Ones, that they make large wooded areas seem smaller than they are so that woodsman won’t find them a desirable place to forest. Trees are quite sacred to the people of this land. The belief is that trees observe all they see and whisper among themselves. They are a source of great knowledge and wisdom. The people of this country believe that the divine resides in nature and that the Tuatha de Dannan, the keepers of the arts and magic, are responsible for the elements or gifts. The people use symbols to denote these gifts, such as the spear for air, the cauldron for fire, and stone for earth.”

“That’s why I saw those stones standing on end by the road back there, right?”

“Yes,” Bebe paused and looked about a moment. “Come, I was just about to eat. Are you hungry?”

“Very much so,” said Augustus. “Wait by the water, if you like,” Bebe said waving his hand in

the direction of a small lake, “I will prepare the food and be right back. You look like you could use a rest.”

Augustus agreed and walked to the small body of water that Bebe had pointed to. It was crystal clear and nothing like the water Augustus knew from home. But there was also a color to it that Augustus couldn’t quite place, and the feeling he was receiving was one of considerable calm. No pond or lake back home ever did this for

21

him. But he also realized that this calm had quietly been creeping up on him since his rough entry into this new world.

We’ll have to keep an eye on this development, eh? Story. He walked over to a tree that sat only a few feet from the

water’s edge and leaned up against it. The sun was high in the sky and was reflecting brightly off the lake’s surface. Strangely enough, looking at the lake now Augustus realized that it was quite large, much larger than initially perceived. As a matter of fact, now Augustus could barely see the other side from where he sat. As he pondered the unusual changes taking place in this strange land, he thought back to the lake in upper New York State he and his parents used to visit when he was younger and his parents were happier. They used to spend their time swimming, diving, boating and laughing. They would often go with another family and sit around the campfire at night singing songs. People from other campsites would often stop by and join in the singing. These were some of Augustus’ fondest memories—now, unfortunately, the saddest.

But the feeling he was getting from the lake and, actually, all of Finn was quite unusual. However, the feeling heightened upon entering the woods his new young friend had led him into. He couldn’t quite put a finger on it. It was another-world feeling, mystical and unpredictable. He was also sensing a change in himself. He wasn’t sure about this feeling either, but he would have to keep an eye on all this newness and let his scientific mind ponder the empirical data coming in.

For the moment, Augustus was content with forgetting these things; let the subconscious mind mull it over and brew its eureka for future consideration. Augustus took a deep, relaxing breath, picked up a few pebbles and started tossing them into the water.

Upon doing so, “Ouch” was what he heard. Augustus sat up quickly but didn’t see anyone around. And he

was certain his pebble couldn’t have hit anyone, for he had thrown it into the water and there was no one in the lake. It was deserted. This was certainly a strange place. He reclined on the tree again and lazily threw another pebble into the water as he contemplated his unusual surroundings.

“Ouch!” There it was again.

This time Augustus sat up and said, “Who’s there?” “I am,” said the ouch voice.

22

Strange, if he were back home and even the slightest chance arose that someone was picking on him he would begin to sweat, and the tension would cause his ears to ring and his face to turn red. Meeting new people, especially adults, had a similar effect on him. However, in this land and time, wherever, whenever, he felt different. He was not feeling panic, and he didn’t even know what was confronting him, which was an added bonus in the all-of-a-sudden-I’m-not-scared-stiff department.

He was actually feeling, shall I say, quite at ease. It felt like a dream, and it also felt as if he actually had the ability to control events here. Well, maybe not, but let’s just say our boy was feeling pretty good about himself. Maybe even a little over the top and unrealistically good. But let’s give him a break. Let him enjoy his moment and we’ll just see what gives.

“Show yourself. I’m not in the mood to play games.” See, he’s even kinda uppity! Interesting as to what may

transpire, eh? Let’s check it out. “I’m right here,” said the ouch voice. “Where is here?’ said Augustus looking about. “How come I

can not see you?” He said in a slow, measured pace. He was now talking like his mom when she was mad, using non-

contraction-emphasize-it-because-I’m-angry speak. You know what I mean? Not “Where’s here” but “WHERE IS HERE.” Coming mother! Oops! Sorry. Even I’m getting scared. Let’s see how our hero is doing.

“You can’t see me because you’re looking in the wrong direction,” said the ouch voice. “Look down, here in the water.”

Augustus looked down, and what he saw made his heart jump. In the water was a fish with his chin (do fish have chins? stay tuned) resting on a good-sized branch that lay moored in the sand. The fish was smiling at Augustus. Actually, it was more like grinning, like the way people do when they are being sarcastic. However, Augustus didn’t perceive even the slightest animosity coming from this fish. It was more like it was appeasing a lesser creature in this human that stood before him and that he understood its cruel and savage mind, but because of his higher intelligence and focus on enlightenment revenge was not in the cards.

“It seems to me that you have misplaced a few of the stones that once resided upon the shore,” said fish. “Are they mine to keep, along

23

with the welts, or would you like them back? Fine either way with me. I’m really quite the generous sort.”

The fish said this with such a balance of courtesy and sarcasm that Augustus was caught off guard.

“I’m sorry, am I disturbing you? A momentary lapse in barbarism?” said fish with a metaphysical flip of his fin. “Maybe you are speechless because of the purely sinful joy of that initial exposure to insight, creative euphoria, a thought perchance? Oh, that sinfully rejuvenating eureka! And if one should venture to continue to probe deeper … Yes, yes, yes, yes. It really is quite something else to ponder the metaphysical, isn’t it?” flip, flip, flip, wiggle (that last one was his tail). “However, if one does, the question arises, should the individual seek out meaning in the specific and supply insight via enlargement of said specific through juxtaposition with the universal or should that logic be reversed? Ah, but philosophy? What is its worth? And its cousin religion? Is there anything that philosophy has given us that hasn’t been taken away by theology and its narrow mindedness of political control and subjugation of the proletariat? Those of greatest thought and truth are often stifled by the ignorant and evil who say they desire that which is best for the people but, meanwhile, talk out the sides of their faces to better their own lot.” Flip, flop, wiggle, fli … (that last one’s an unfinished flip, with his fin stuck in mid flip. I think you see it. Good.).

Wow! This fish could talk. The only other fish Augustus knew that could talk were the lox in his dreams. Well, they didn’t actually talk. It was more like mime, but that made sense because the dreams they appeared in were Gumbyesque and a good percentage of the special guests on the Gumby and Poky Show didn’t talk anyway. But this fish could, phew, could he ever!

“I’m sorry, Mr. Fish, I didn’t think I would hit anyone by throwing a pebble in the water,” said Augustus with apologetic shoulders reaching for the skies.

“Well, I’m not just any fish, you know. My name isn’t Mr. Fish, even though I know a dentist by that name who runs a reputable practice and is married to a rather attractive woman who has given him two lovely daughters. My name, by the by my good sir, is Diatha Cameron of Loch. And to whom do I have the good fortune to be speaking to?”

24

“I’m Augustus. Nice to meet you, Mr. Cameron,” he said with a nod.

“Please, call me Diatha,” he said returning the nod. “What brings you to Finn?”

“Well, I don’t know for sure, but I do know that since I’ve been here I have never felt so at peace.”

“And for all that is good you are justified in being so. This is a place free of persecution and disturbance, a place of study where one can meditate and contemplate, not only things universal but things particular as well.”

“I see,” said Augustus. “Are you here to pursue these things?” “Yes I am, good sir,” flip, flip. “Yes, I am. And I’ve spent

twenty years on these matters before imparting that which I’ve acquired, and even though I teach, I find myself more often in the role of observer than instructor. Conversely, as much as I love to learn, there is a great deal to be said for bestowal of intellectual gifts. It helps the soul to breathe.”

Considering what Diatha said while gazing at his surroundings, Augustus said, “I think that I may like it here. I’ve got some things that have been bothering me for quite some time, and I need to work them out.”

“What are they, may I ask?” Pausing briefly before he spoke, Augustus said while kicking at the sand, “Well, first off, to be honest, I have to say I feel rather strange … talking to you.” Diatha lifted his snout in regard to this comment. “Why? Never conversed with a salmon before? I guess you don’t get out much.”

Augustus smiled politely. “No … it’s just that I’ve had some very unusual dreams with … with, well…” “Tell me son. I have heard most everything.” “Well, my dreams often involve salmon, and even though they don’t speak as eloquently as you, I find they impart great wisdom and comfort, but I always end up…” Augustus sat looking at Diatha feeling like he had just sentenced his entire fish family to death. “Eating them,” Diatha said without hesitation. Augustus’ head shot up as he exclaimed, “Why, yes! How did you know?”

25

“Well, my son, what else do you do with salmon, engage them in conversation?” Diatha winked but Augustus could only look away. “Just as people eat salmon so are they consumed by their demons. There is something of great importance troubling you, and the reoccurring salmon indicates that you are in dire need of enlightenment in this area. Dreams allow us to see symbolically what is of the greatest concern in our lives. They may even predict the future. Many have seen great events occur in the abstract world of the dream before coming to light in reality. Tell me, what’s on your mind?” “Well…” Augustus fidgeted and kicked at the pebbles at his feet. “What is troubling you? What is that which bothers you most?” “Well, my parents, for starters. I feel like they had me just for the tax write off. Not that they don’t give me things, but that’s all I get from them—things. I come and go as I please. My friends think I’m lucky, but I don’t feel that way in the least. And in school I consistently get high marks; however, when it comes to girls, I could never be further from knowing the first thing about them. It just doesn’t make any sense.” “Sounds like a serious case of trans-cultural, early animation chaos, and common experience verification immediacy,” said Diatha with a wiggle and a twist. “What?” “Adolescence,” said Mr. Cameron. “I do love the pop-psychology psychobabble of your time period.” “How do you know about my time?” “Something to be discussed later. Let me qualify the statement I’ve just made, as every good critical thinker should. Even though what you are experiencing is common for creatures of your age, and are usually worked out in due time, nevertheless, there is the possibility of carrying these problems into later years, and if this occurs, things can get seriously out of hand.” “What do I have to do?” “First, one needs to gain perspective. Most of that which is worried over is insignificant. How important can temporal worries be when one is dealing with an infinitesimal fraction of time here on earth compared, of course, to endless being beyond the grave? And most of what man thinks is important is quite valueless. Yes, quite,” wiggle,

26

flip, flip, plop. That last one was a fin set hard into the water to emphasize his point.

“In varying degrees,” Diatha continued, “his greatest cravings are for power, fame, material and monetary abundance, but these things are of a fleeting nature, their value short lived. This quality is born out by the fact that they are constantly changing hands because there are many who desire and compete for these temporal, transitory things and few that hold onto them. It is universal law that they do not stay with the possessor for long, for the lesson of eternal significance is in their loss not their retention. A point to be taken is that among all that have died, the spiritual portal that accommodates anything more than one’s thoughts and deeds has yet to be discovered.”

“Let’s consider another point,” said the fanciful fish. “These things of the world are difficult to hold onto, and even if their possessors voluntarily relinquish a portion their lot decreases, there is no gain. For instance, if I give someone power or authority because I can only be responsible for so much, my lot is reduced by that which I have given away. I may still have ultimate power, but how my power is administered, through those I have given a portion too, cannot be watched over as closely as before. It has diminished to some degree. Also, the struggle to maintain these things of the world—power, fame, riches, prestige—is contentious and runs counter to the spirit. In contrast, the value of those things pertaining to the eternities—those things spiritual in nature—is much greater, for when one gives of their lot there is not only increase but it is mutual.”

“How do you mean?” asked Augustus, in flipless fashion. “Notice,” flippity, flop, fling, flang, flippity, flew (wow! that’s

some emphasis), “when one relinquishes spiritual gifts the recipient gains from it, but the giver does as well, maybe more so. For the recipient there is wisdom which enlightens and enlivens, for the giver the gift of giving betters the heart; therefore, because of the stirring and strengthening of emotions the chance of reaching out to others increases for both. Those they’ve reached out to will reach out to others, who will reach out to others, and so on and so on. And, ultimately, these spiritual things are of much greater merit, for they stay with the soul and are eternal, not like material or temporal things of the world.”

“So … these things of the spirit are shared and are of greater value because of their exponential value?” said Augustus.

27

“Correct,” flip, flip, flap-a-flipper. “Things of the spirit are shared. Things temporal in nature are exclusive, or are, to a great degree, retained only by one person at a time, or a limited number. If I have a dollar, property, material good, their relative value, in relation to things spiritual, are quite limited. Certainly, more than one possessor may retain these material things but their value is not as transportable as things spiritual.”

“Another point to ponder…” flippity-a-flap-flip. “The main problem down through the ages, however, has been man’s insufferable insistence in looking at the immediate over that of the eternal. It is a weakness that must be overcome in order for one to obtain endless grace. And the only way one can discover what is important in life, or infinite truth, is by spending the time needed in meditation, prayer, study, or silent contemplation to acquire it. Something your day and age is considerably short on.”

Augustus nodded his head in agreement. “As you search, you will find calm within your grasp. Infinite truth not only resides within each of us and guides us in personal matters but it informs us about the eternal as well—if we are willing to listen. But without infinite truth one can not gain a proper perspective on life, and by life I mean that which continues beyond the grave, or complete life.” “What is so important about this perspective in regards to this life?” asked Augustus. “How does this perspective aid us in the here and now?” “Lack of perspective is the main cause for anger, impatience, confusion, struggle for dominance and so on, for we do not have a connection with the calming element, the divine, the inner knowing that resides in all of us. Infinite truth is the mind of the divine, an unwavering standard by which we differentiate right from wrong and not that which is merely created for the moment to benefit a particular situation.” Diatha looked at the Augustus’ mild puzzlement and knew he would need to explain more. “For example, one should not say that it is wrong to lie and then qualify that statement when it is convenient to do so. By creating multiple standards, or mores, chaos ensues, resulting in social upheaval: war, pestilence, crime. For example, what if some decide a stop sign means go, to others it means speed up and again to others it

28

means yield? The rate of accidents increases, just as the rate of accidents will increase in the political and social realm with multiple standards.” “Stop signs? I thought that was a modern phenomenon,” said Augustus. “Yes, and I will explain how I know about them momentarily, as well as other things about your time. Let me continue, if I may.” Augustus smiled politely and Diatha continued. “We must reach toward the absolute. The great sin is qualification. From his sermon on the mount, Christ said, “Be ye perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” The ideal of Mahayana Buddhism is the bodhisattva, one whose essence is perfect wisdom, the fully enlightened one, he who having reached the brink of nirvana returns to the world to aid others in their strivings for perfection, a continual and focused giving of the self. Only by believing that one can grow toward perfection will one grow. Many are spiritually misbegotten in their lack of belief. Few think that moral betterment is essential or necessary, especially with those who qualify their actions and say, ‘But if I am always honest and pure, I will be left behind in this world.’ If one says, ‘It is not wrong to lie a little and cheat a little, as long as one breaks not the greater laws,’ if one stretches the truth, where does one end?” “As I mentioned before, infinite truth is the informer of right and wrong. It is the world and man’s weaknesses that create distancing from infinite truth. Nevertheless, one can find the peace I speak of by removing oneself from distraction—excessive entertainment, socializing, thrill seeking and the like—and become spiritually active.” Augustus looked doleful, as if he thought this was impossible. How can humans overcome such an innate selfish nature to the degree of selflessness Diatha described? This was a tall order Diatha was asking for. “Don’t be afraid of being a leader in this sense,” Diatha said. Leader, thought Augustus. I’m lucky if I can get out of my own way. “Many crave to be unique and desirable to their friends and the world, yet these attributes are of a trivial nature and not of eternal substance. These desires are centered on the self and one cannot concentrate on the self for long, for the self is too small an object for perpetual interest. In order to be truly unique one must sacrifice self

29

and time to find and connect to the inner knowing. Here is where you will not only find your true voice, but a universal voice that speaks a common language to all, a voice free of self-want and personal aggrandizement. Freedom of thought will come by connecting to the inner voice. It is not accomplished by listening to those who are self-anointed, those who declare they have your answers. Answers that you seek on a personal level, as well as those universal, can only be found through a one to one conversation with the divine, clear of commotion, spiritual passivity, selfish desire and the world.” Diatha added a nice little combination of flips and trills as he finished his point. “I understand,” said Augustus, “and find what you have to say of utmost importance, and I’m sure that when one applies what you have spoken, it will be of great benefit to those who do so; however, I must ask, don’t you think that there is merit to the here and now, to the intellect, in obtaining success in personal endeavors, in pushing oneself to perfection in the pursuit of these goals?” “Improving the intellect,” said Diatha, “one’s ability to reason and expanding one’s knowledge base are of great importance when it comes to taking responsibility for one’s welfare and the welfare of others—emotionally, financially, physically—however, these things are only of temporal or of passing importance. These things are important to our temporal existence, but they are not paramount when considering the complete life. Let me explain,” flip, wiggle, flop, plop. “Our mind is a very finite instrument. We forget eighty percent of what we read within twenty-four hours. We can only process data in strings of threes and fours. Try looking twice through a series of sixteen unrelated numbers and letters and see how many you recall. Most cannot recall all without error. Even the greatest minds study a lifetime only to understand a small niche in their chosen field. An expert is just that and little else. We are all equal in our infinite ignorance.” Diatha’s thoughts were coming fast and furious. “Think about all the knowledge that exists and is yet to come. What portion of that will man obtain in a lifetime? Go to any library and consider how much you know of all the books within and to what level of accuracy.” “Our real talent lies in our emotions, our capacity for compassion, understanding, and the ability to heal with a look or embrace where all else has failed. When someone sings a moving song, renders a stirring story, or excites with the promise of love, we are consumed with a desire for life. How many would turn as frequently to

30

a lecture from a scholar or philosopher or a treatise on the understanding of heavenly bodies? It is much more immediate for us to love than it is for us to pull up reams of data and facts and to debate endlessly about true statements that can never be proven so. I refer to your century’s Kurt Godel, a great mathematician, who stated that it is impossible to prove all true statements. Man was given fundamental limitations in his ability to understand and predict for a purpose. He was designed with a superior ability to love not to reason the mind of the divine.” Augustus let this sink in a moment and then said, “I noticed you mentioned my century. How do you know about these things?” “I have traveled to your century the same way in which you have traveled to mine.” “The black hole?” “Yes.” “Then it’s true!” “Yes, your theory about the black hole is correct,” said Diatha.

“You even know what I’ve been thinking, how weird.” “Yes, weird, the modern form of our “wyrd,” or the web of life and the weavers of that web, the Fates; however, I have seen too much to believe we have little to say about our destiny. Nevertheless, if one desires knowledge and understanding, as well as other gifts, one will obtain them as anything is obtained, through work and the belief that they will be able to do so.” “So, why did the black hole appear in my closet? And why aren’t there more people time traveling?” asked Augustus. Diatha smiled at Augustus’ impatience, that is, if fish can smile, can they?

“My understanding of this phenomenon is not complete. I can only state what I believe to be true. First, when one travels in time there are great responsibilities that the traveler is beholden to—especially when moving back in time. The person’s actions could have great repercussions on future events, altering history, possibly creating worldwide chaos.” “But aren’t the traveler’s actions already a part of history if he goes within his own history” asked Augustus, “since he is coming from the future? Wouldn’t his actions be predetermined since they have already been recorded?”

31

“This is where the problem lies,” said Diatha. “My limited exposure to time travel only allows for conjecture. There are two theories: the consistent history hypothesis—which you alluded to—and the alternative history hypothesis. There is the belief that one may travel back in time and act freely, creating alternate events from those that have already been recorded, resulting in a separate history. And this is where the problem arises. Is an alternate dimension created splitting space-time? And if this occurs, does it run counter to a unified theory of existence that wasn’t meant to be played with? I am of the impression that if this occurred then chaos would result. Who is to say that the alternate histories created will run separately? There is the possibility that they may overlap at points creating universal chaos.” A rather slow, majestic, foreboding flip of the fin here. “You’ve got a very good point there. But if existence operates on a unified theory, then how could time travel be allowed to occur in the first place?” “I am of the mind that time travel allowed is limited, and that there is a single purpose for this occurring. This is not a random occurrence. I have been permitted to travel, to learn first hand particular events that have occurred throughout time for a specific reason. I am sure that this information given me pertains to something of significance. However, I was given strict instructions on what to do with the bits of knowledge gained—to reveal some to retain others. And these instructions were given to me by the most unusual being.” “Was he glowing? Full of light with a bad attitude?” “Yes, as a matter of fact, he was. Did this same being visit you?” “Oh, yeah, MB! He appeared in my room not a day or two before I arrived here.”

“MB?” “Yeah. Mysterious Being.” Augustus said with a slight smirk.

“He really is quite the most unusual fellow … er, being.” “Yes, he is. He did not give me much information.” “Yeah, mostly lip. The only thing he told me was to keep the

faith. My grandmother used to say that.” “Yes, he is a being of few words, but what he imparted to me

was the message that there is something of great importance about to occur in your time. He also instructed me to keep an eye on you and to

32

make sure that you understood the weight of those things about to occur.”

“What things?” “He would not give me specifics. He only told me to keep an

eye on you and to make sure that I answered any questions you may have and that you keep your interactions with those of this time to a minimum.” A concerned and weighty flip, flop.

“And what about Bebe,” asked Augustus, “how does he fit into this?”

“He is a youth of your age, a most remarkable youth. He has great powers of perception and insight, but most of all, I have never met one with a heart of such magnitude. I am amazed that one so young already carries the weight of the universe on his shoulders. He is one that has been given great responsibility. He was called to this grove along with me to meet you.”

“I don’t understand how two fifteen year old boys and a fish can be involved in something so universally important.” Augustus caught himself, realizing what he just said. “I mean … Well, even if you were human, you’d be the most remarkable person I’ve ever met.”

“No offense taken, and thank you.” “What about discovering what our mission is all about?”

“Do not set your mind to worry. I believe that all that one needs to know will be revealed in due time,” said Diatha.

“Well, my good Augustus, with all this talk I’ve worked up an appetite. I am quite hungry and must find something to eat.”

“Me too. I wonder if Bebe has cooked up some lox for lunch. That’s my favorite…” Augustus turned red. With contorted face and shrugging shoulders he blurted, “I mean … I …well ...”

“No offense taken, Augustus. Good day.” And with that Diatha flipped his tail towards Augustus and dove

into the soapy deep for a bite of lunch.

4 Augustus and Bebe had eaten a leisurely lunch and now were

outside lazing in the sun leaning up against one of the small huts at the center of town. There was less activity at this time than when he had arrived, for most of the woodland creatures had left.

“Tell me something Bebe, what were all those animals doing here earlier?” Augustus asked as he rocked back and picked at his teeth with a twig.

“Well, you arrived midmorning, the busiest time of the day for stocking.”

“Stocking of what?” “A sacred grove, such as this one, is where the Druids, or high

priests, convene to teach the practices of science, history, natural laws and universal wisdom, as well as magic. Their religion is based on pantheism, or belief that the divine resides in nature. This pagan religion was all but snuffed out by the end of the seventh century. And I say pagan as regards your century’s definition, for during the Roman Empire Christians were labeled pagan. I am from the eighth century and have come to this time, the fifth century, to study first hand the accounts of the Celts, as well as to meet with you, of course.”

Augustus smiled, pleased that this graceful youth had included him in his plans.

“Animals play an important role in the sacred grove,” Bebe continued, “and are the main providers for the Druids. They move about busily making sure that all the necessary supplies are provided for daily activities. The birds are amongst those that are the earliest to rise. Their industry is commendable.”

“Why, yes,” said Augustus, “the birds seem to be the first ones up each morning, awakening the sleepyheads.”

“Yes, and even though their song is pretty, the Druids believe they presage that of coming misfortune. Fortunately, that is not their only purpose. For instance, here is a sparrow small in stature but of great strength and good fortune.”

As Bebe said this a sparrow hopped by with several pounds of flower.

“Top of the morning flagpoles,” said the sparrow. “Don’t mind me, I’ll just pull these sacks by myself as you sit there comfortably

34

out-muscling me a hundred to one. And if you ever see me struggling to pull a worm from the ground just pass me by. Hernias are my friends. Yes sir, me and hernias we’ve got a thiiiiiiiiiiiing goin’ on,” sung the sparrow as it struggled by with its load.

“Now I see why they may enjoy telling men about their coming misfortune,” said Augustus.

“Well, their tongues belie the goodness in their hearts. They are more mischievous than malicious.”

Just as Bebe finished speaking, from behind someone spoke: “Good morning Bebe, and whom do we have here?”

As Augustus turned he laid his eyes on the largest boar he had ever seen, and because of his great surprise he toppled from his chair into a heap on the ground. This set the boar to snorting most horrendously. So powerful was its sound that Augustus flinched and ducked thinking he may be under attack.

“Well, well, well, I am truly sorry,” said the boar. “I didn’t mean to send you scurrying. Here, let me help you up.”

The boar got behind Augustus and gave him a gentle push on his backside that righted him with surprising gentle deftness.

“Thank you,” said Augustus. “It seems to me that we have an initiate in our midst. I ask that

you forgive me for my rudeness. My name is Garrett McPoppin.” “Yes. Hello. Thank you ... ahhhh ... My name is Augustus. Nice

to meet you,” he said dusting himself off. “Hello Garrett,” said Bebe. “Are you heading off to any battles

this morning?” “No, but I am putting together a petition. Would you like to

sign?” Smiling, Bebe asked cautiously “What is it for?”

“I’m glad you asked,” said the boar as he whipped his head about to add emphasis.

Bebe looked at Augustus with a get-prepared-for-this look. “It’s to lessen the misuse of shape shifting into boars in Celtic

mythology. I feel that the boar has been maligned and misused, but most of all misunderstood. Every misguided soldier thinks he can win a war by placing the misappropriated horns of my brothers on their battle helmets. Such foolishness!” Garrett said this with such force that it put Augustus back on his heels. “There is a real need for our

35

getting back to our roots and to a basic respect for boars and their contribution to not only mythology but to society as a whole.”

“Wow!” Augustus spat forth. “Do you really think so?” “No,” said McPoppin, “just kidding.” He said with a wink and a

nudge. “Bebe told me about your century’s political correctness, and it’s just that I find it so humorous and ...” Garrett paused for effect, “barbaric.” This set Garrett to snorting and doubling over in hysterics as he stumbled off. It sent Augustus scrambling for cover.

5

After his run in with Mr. McPoppin, Augustus had taken a leisurely stroll of the grounds with Bebe discussing for some time things of nature and science. He continued these discussion the following day with Bebe and Diatha.

Augustus had slept the first night in a comfortable bed made for beings of his height and weight. However, the following night, because of extenuating circumstances, he had to sleep in a hollowed out trunk of a large old oak tree. After showing Augustus where he would sleep, Bebe said that he was sorry there were no normal sized places left, but there were seldom any unexpected guests, and all the larger facilities were occupied by a convention of priests that had just arrived.

Upon seeing the inside of the tree for the first time, Augustus felt that at any moment Piglet of Winnie the Pooh fame would walk right through the door. There was miniature furniture, appliances, and knickknacks half the size—maybe even smaller—of those made for human use.

Bebe had given Augustus enough blankets, comforters, and pillows to create a luxurious, impromptu bed. Augustus was enjoying the peace and solitude of the morning and wasn’t planning on moving for some time, until he heard voices outside. He pulled the covers off, had his big stretch, and quietly sidled over to the door. Outside, Augustus spied a most unusual sight. Several feet from the front door, sitting up against a section of tree trunk that had been cut out to make a bench, was an owl and a chipmunk dressed in what appeared to be robes and baggy pants, looking like a couple of samurai primate wannabes. The owl was speaking.

“Student, when you say ‘yes’ you get thirty lashes with my staff. When you say ‘no’ you get thirty lashes with my staff.”

“And if I say ‘maybe’?” asked chipmunk. “Well then, you have entered into peace. It is where many

Buddha attorneys exist. It is known as karma loophole.” The chipmunk bared his teeth and gums and nodded his head in

acknowledgement. “When you have a walking stick,” continued the owl, “I will

give you one. When you have none I will take it from you.” “What if I have one on layaway?”

37

“Then you are wise Kmart shopper.” “Am I correct in understanding Buddha,” inquired the

chipmunk, “that all talk, however trivial or demeaning, belongs to ultimate truth?”

“Yes, you are correct.” “Then, master, may I say you are a donkey?” “Yes chippy; however, your sense of pain must be heightened.” At this point the owl smacked the chipmunk on the head with

his stick. The chipmunk retaliated by attempting to poke the owl’s eyes with two of his claws. The owl put up a wing and blocked the attack, then brought his left wing down on his right one, which went flying around in a wide circle and coming from behind his head landed on top of the chipmunk’s head with a resounding thump. Rubbing the two new welts the chipmunk said:

“We must do things that are not of karma. We dress. We eat. How do we escape from this?”

“We dress. We eat,” said the owl. “I don’t understand,” said the perplexed chippy. “If you do not understand,” shouted the owl, “then smile in a

hurricane and feel your laughter rip you asunder like ...” “Master!” “Sorry, was receiving karma of Dice Clay.” The chipmunk quickly recovered from his shock and asked,

“What is Buddha, master?” “Buddha is state lotto, is incorrect change for lunch, is bogie on

the back nine, is bad comedy making good money. But most of all Buddha is very confusing.”

“I don’t understand?” The owl stared at the chipmunk incredulously. “While living be dead,” said the owl. “Be very dead. Be as dead

as you like and all will be well.” “Soooooo, I don’t need life insurance?” “You must die before you can live, so run in front of car and

then call Prudential.” “How do I know that this knowledge you have is not like Ginzu

knives in the hands of Jeffrey Dahmer?” asked the student. “Good analogy, Lotus Blossom.” “That’s Lotus123,” said the chipmunk.

38

Augustus sat back after this last exchange and decided it was time to get out and enjoy the day before he was subjected to any more of this bazaar performance. While he cleansed himself, he pondered the fact that there was little that the animals of Finn were assimilating from the twentieth century other than pop culture and sardonic wit. Nothing of merit seemed to be taking hold. They would make exemplary humans, thought Augustus. He finished his morning activity by cleaning up his bedding and then stepped outside. The owl and chipmunk interrupted their routine to address Augustus.

“Good morning, latitudinal,” said chipmunk. “Good morning,” Augustus said with a nod and a half smile to

the chipmunk and then to the owl. “Your vastness,” replied the owl. “I couldn’t help notice your interaction this morning. Are you

practicing for a play of some sort?” Augustus said rubbing his temple. “A play?” inquired the owl as he looked at the chipmunk

searchingly. The chipmunk gave him a ‘you know’ look. The owl quickly responded, “Oh, yes, of course, a play. We enjoy so many of your human endeavors, especially those from your century. We love ...” The owl looked at the chipmunk for help.

“Yes, we love the purity of human invention, especially that which religion affords us,” said the chipmunk. “Here, you are able to take the best of the human condition and nurture and refine its essence.”

“Oh yes,” said the owl, “it is most remarkable. We stay up nights pondering the usefulness of such an invention.”

“Yes we do,” said the chipmunk. “Just imagine if animals had something like religion. It would be priceless! For instance, a ransacking pack of wolves would seem so much more civilized, wouldn’t they?” The chipmunk looked at the owl who nodded his head in agreement. “Yes, of course they would. Why, instead of the shaky explanation ‘they killed out of instinct,’ it would be said that all the deaths were for a righteous cause.”

“Yes, yes, yes,” said the owl. “How true! And think how the lion would seem so much more pragmatic as he terrorized and controlled the plains if he was given divine edict to do so based on a consensus of holy patriarchs.”

39

“Splendid, splendid. So many in the animal kingdom would benefit,” said the chipmunk. “The killer whale of the mighty seas and the Portuguese man-of-war.”

“And the mongoose,” said the owl, excitedly, “the barracuda, the lion or leopard, perhaps the crocodile, or even the cheetah, and let us not forget the massively impressive variety of potentially dangerous marsupials.”

“Yes, yes, yes ...” said chipmunk, walking on its hind legs, bending its head down towards its front paws now and again, deep in thought.

Augustus left them to their devices and walked towards Bebe’s hut. Just as he was getting ready to knock on the door, Bebe walked out.

“Good morning, Augustus.” “Good morning, Bebe.” “Did you sleep well?” asked Bebe. “Yes, remarkably well. This grove is truly a blessing for my

nerves.” “Yes, it can be of great comfort.” Augustus paused and then said, “I just had the most unusual

run-in with an owl and a chipmunk, and it brought to mind how remarkable the animals of Finn are. They are able to render my century’s idioms and dispositions with great precision. It does seem, however, that this is all they have assimilated; otherwise, they don’t have much of a historical perspective.”

“Yes, I am aware of this,” said Bebe. “Diatha and I have told them much about our travels to the future. They have a curious nature and are only able to speak in the grove, so we felt it would not be of harm to expose them to these things. However, they are quite innocent and childlike, and, like children, are attracted to brashness and pomp, such as that which dominates your time. Seeing how they have behaved has reminded us of their childlike nature, and we are now more careful with reproducing the cultural phenomenon of your time. Their innocence is precious and must be preserved; it is a priceless commodity. It is the source of one’s peace.”

“What do you mean?” “Let me explain,” said Bebe. “As we age, progressively

distancing ourselves from innocence, we move closer and closer to discord. We fail time and again because our lack of innocence

40

inhibits our ability to believe, to believe in the unseen and touch upon the peace that resides at the center of our chaotic lives. We become limited in our ability to see beyond the senses and end up adhering to conventional beliefs. But why shouldn’t we believe that great peace exists? Believe so that we are able to see those things grand of gesture and grace and truth. Better yet, why have we stopped believing?”

“I don’t know,” Augustus said distractedly, “but I find that my parents are becoming less and less childlike as they focus more on their work. They give me all that I need materially, but, to tell you the truth, I’d rather have my old mom and dad back. They were much more fun.”

“Yes, a key example of how focus on the temporal and transitory can destroy the essence of our true nature.” Bebe paused, and while deep in thought drew in the sand as he continued. “When children, our minds are full of imagination, possibility, love and wonder. There is belief in those things such as Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, as in your time. The source of our ability to believe lies in our innocence. Our innocence gives us the ability to have a leap of faith, or to look beyond the doubt and reason of a worrisome world to the discoveries of profound wisdom and solace. Faith is creation, or the ability to create, as the young child through innocence of heart creates—a child who can sit endlessly with little more than her imagination and produce infinite scenarios. Creation is a leap of logic. The scientist, philosopher, poet, musician creates when his mind is idle, in a state of play. Creation, like faith, requires one to look beyond what is there to what could be. Einstein said that without creation knowledge would not exist, and in order to create knowledge there must be faith. All things grand and great come from faith. This is the only sure way to find your way out of here alive, alive in spirit and alive in mind. The true purpose of nature.”

“Now that you mention it,” said Augustus, “I do see a connection between creation and faith that I hadn’t noticed before. Both require one to see something that does not yet exist.” Augustus looked reflective for a moment and said, “So, is the artist, the scientist, the creator closer to the divine because of this? And if so, why are only a few blessed with this ability that binds one to this calming element? Even though I love science I don’t see myself as

41

the next Einstein or Stephen Hawking, or, for that matter, the next Gandhi or Buddha.”

“The creator, or artist,” said Bebe, “has been known to experience a sense of euphoria as a result of creating. And, true, we are not all of great talent, but we all have the ability to connect to the divine and find peace. In general, we first encounter difficulty by focusing on things of the world, desiring things that only bring temporary satisfaction. There is nothing wrong with desiring, even desiring the wrong things, for first hand experience is the best way to learn. And that is why we are here, to learn. At the hands of all suffering is great knowledge. It is a paradox that as we strive for happiness, it is actually adversity that is our greatest teacher and benefactor.”

Bebe paused and reflected for a moment. Waving his hand before him he said “Listen to people speak of their trials. How frequently do they mention prosperity when describing personal growth? It is only through adversity that we grow, that we gain compassion, understanding, patience, endurance—things of eternal importance. Pleasure in small amounts helps one to partake of life’s great fortune; however, pleasure is essentially private—even when in the company of others—and the self is too small for extensive interest. This is why as we age there is a tendency to reach out to others. After all, we are by nature social creatures. Enjoying one another’s company is pleasurable; however, real joy comes in reaching out to others in need. This is an innate and eternal phenomenon. Once again, ask people about those times in which they have felt most rewarded, was it while enjoying the company of friends or was it when they were bringing that troubled youth back from the edge, encouraging and enabling him to fully benefit from life?”

Bebe paused, for he could see that Augustus was considering what he had just said.

“But what about desiring success in life?” said Augustus. “Is it not important to strive for personal growth and to benefit our families?”

“There is nothing wrong with success. It is priority that matters. When one fixates on monetary, intellectual, social or political success this is when one gets into trouble. Hunger for success can be insatiable. These are things that people do not really desire. They are

42

deluded by the world and what it deems primary or most important. One can never have enough of that which one really doesn’t want.”

“Think about financial success. When is one satisfied when the focus is on money, if that is one’s primary concern? Never. However, when one gives of the self to benefit another there is a real feeling of satisfaction. The desire to do so is natural and easy; it does not run counter to the spirit and consume like the desire for money. The emptiness one feels even after acquiring that which he thought he wanted is due to the insignificance of the self. Focus here is not where one reaps the greatest rewards. Focus outside the self and on the welfare of others enhances and blesses the individual and builds him up emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. If one does not look outward toward others then he remains a child. Spiritual growth is stunted and one remains as an infant fixated on pleasure or the toys of life. Consider, a child without toys is sad, sadder still is an adult fixated at this same level.”

“I can see,” said Augustus, “that these things are of great importance to us as tools for development and growth. However, like most things, will they not be forgotten shortly after they have been taught? How does one keep them fresh in the mind?”

“This is important,” Bebe said with deliberation. “People are prone to forget. Think about that first course in mathematics, or science, or history, how much of it do you remember?”

“Very little.” “Correct. These things have to become a part of our lives. They

must be ingrained in us and become second nature. And the only way to do this is to gather on a regular basis with like minded individuals to remind and encourage one another of these things of eternal importance.”

“Sounds like religion to me.” “Yes. Unfortunately, religion over the centuries, up into the

twenty-first, has involved political control and struggle for power. It is most unfortunate that spiritual things are not left to the individual and personal choice made paramount over that of the dictations of a small segment of politically motivated elite.”

“True,” said Augustus, looking restless. “Well, even though I love being here, and I find Diatha and the bevy of animals fascinating, I do feel the need to stretch. How do I get outside Finn for a stretch of the legs?”

43

“I will tell you, but before you go I’d like to show you something.” Bebe waved to his right. “ It is a section of the grove that is most important to contemplative and introspective thought.”

Augustus smiled and said, “I’d love to see it.” “Fine. Let’s go.” Bebe led Augustus to a section of the grove that looked no

different from the rest, for a while. But before the obvious physical change Augustus noticed another type of change.

They were walking through an area that was relatively open, a smattering of trees and bushes here and there with field grass the dominant feature. After walking roughly one hundred yards, Augustus began to feel more than see a change come over the grove. It was still beautiful, plush and peaceful, like the rest of Finn, but something was different.

They moved out of the opening, into a cluster of trees and down a narrow path, not unlike the one Bebe had led Augustus upon his arrival. As they walked, Augustus began to feel the presence of something. At first he thought maybe he was just imagining things, but the further he went the more real the presence became. At times Augustus was so sure something else was walking with them that he turned to see what it was. He was going to say something, but because he didn’t see or hear anything, he didn’t want Bebe to think he was simply losing his mind.

They continued to walk, and Augustus continued to look back over his shoulder at that which wasn’t, until one time he turned and caught a glimpse of something flashing across the path. Before he could set his eyes on it, or before he could blurt out a noise of warning and surprise, it was gone. He still didn’t say anything to Bebe, but more so this time because he was concentrating on keeping a close watch for that which previously wasn’t but now was.

Suddenly, there it was again. Augustus swung around and faced it squarely, but before he

could get any specifics on what had appeared, it was gone. This happened three more times before Augustus finally lay eyes on what was following them. He realized that upon each appearance it hadn’t made a sound, which made Augustus think it was some sort of apparition. It was also doing the strangest thing. One moment it would appear some sixty feet behind them, then seconds later appear only fifteen, twenty feet away. It was at these times Augustus was

44

able to see what it was or what they were, for even though he only saw one thing or creature at a time it appeared to change shape. Or maybe it had friends.

There appeared to be four creatures. There was a lion, calf, man-beast and something that looked like an eagle. That was all fine and dandy, as far as weird appearances by things you could identify were concerned, but there was something about them that set them apart. Each beast had six wings, and these wings were full of eyes. On top of all that, they seemed to be the most holy and reverent beings, for Augustus felt they were singing, singing in a prayerful and reverent fashion as they floated across the path, even though they made not a sound.

Then, just as Augustus was going to finally reveal his discovery to Bebe, the eagle appeared within several feet of Augustus and whispered, “Keep the faith,” and vanished.

Augustus flew into the woods. Not that he ran or anything. It was the surprise and shock that sent him flying. He reacted like a character in a cartoon that is spooked by something, and to show he is scared or surprised the animator has him fly through the air onto his backside. Well, this was no cartoon, but Augustus did fly and land with a rather resounding thump.

Bebe heard the noise and turned to see his guest some ten feet off the trail rolling around in ferns and brush.

“Are you alright?” asked Bebe. Augustus rolled onto his side and shook his head to clear it. “Physically, maybe.” Bebe was now at his side and helped Augustus to his feet. “What did you see?” asked Bebe. “You knew they were there?” Augustus said with surprise. “I knew you had called forth something.” “Call forth? I didn’t call anything. They just appeared.” “Yes, well, let me explain,” said Bebe helping to brush

Augustus off. “This section of the woods is more, shall we say, enchanted than the rest. Here is not only where one comes to contemplate but to be informed. The woods read your thoughts and produce or reproduce that which it reads. The woods produce images to aid you in your understanding of that which is within the core of your being, that which is essential to self-awareness, understanding of things eternal. The woods aid you in your study of universal

45

principles or truths that burn in your bosom, those things that are of foremost concern to your eternal progress.”

“But what I saw was beyond anything I’ve ever seen or imagined. How are these images supposed to help me?”

“These images are private. They are for you to retain for consideration. The metaphors, analogies or symbols are not necessarily to be understood immediately. Some take considerable time, contemplation, meditation or prayer to comprehend. That which is of greatest importance cannot be revealed to the initiate all at once, nor can pearls be cast before swine. One needs to work at and earn understanding.”

“I see.” Augustus paused, looked away and then said, “Things seem to just get more challenging and difficult as I move along the path of understanding.”

“One does not learn by being challenged at the same rate. As one grows the challenges grow, as does learning and understanding. The universe is not an easy taskmaster. If one desires ultimate truth, one must give ultimate sacrifice to achieve it, to take it within one’s bosom, allowing it to gestate so that one may be inspired to share ultimate truth with others. Emotional and spiritual maturity requires a sober and dedicated spirit. It requires time, and as one learns the message of eternal purpose growth occurs, and the keeper of this purpose desires to share, share with one, then another, and another until there is an unquenchable need to inform all of the great purpose that resides within each of us.”

“Wow! I guess I’ve got a lot to learn. And a lot to prepare for.” “Yes, Augustus, yes you do,” Bebe said with a smile and a

wave of the hand, implying that they should move on. They continued their walk and within minutes were moving

down a slight grade that became steeper and steeper as they went. After a good fifteen minutes they reached the bottom and moved into a clearing. What Augustus saw stopped him in his tracks.

Before him stood the most beautiful panoramic vista he had ever laid eyes on. Before him were mountains and streams and foliage of unlimited variety and color. There was red, yellow, blue, green, orange, in all their varieties and hues. There was so much color he wasn’t sure what foliage was producing which. He also saw animals in all their varieties. There were giraffes, elephants, bears, deer, jaguars, sheep, horses, cats, dogs, wolves all playing and living

46

in harmony. It was like a zoo, but there were no fences or gates. Augustus could only muster a weak “Wow!” All his energy being consumed by the wonder before him.

“This is ... breathtaking,” said Augustus. “Yes, Augustus, it is. This is Nexus Vale, a place where the

Druid priests and special guests come to contemplate the difficulties and wonder of the universe. I bring you here now because of the great challenge that lies before you.”

Augustus swung around to face Bebe and blurted out. “You’ve spoken to MB! What did he tell you?” Augustus had nearly come out of his clothes in anticipation of

what Bebe had to say. Smiling warmly while gently placing his hands on Augustus’

shoulders Bebe said, “Yes, I spoke to the one who glows as the morning sun.”

“What—what did he say to you?” Augustus was now almost on top of Bebe. Bebe chuckled and

put his arm around Augustus. “His advice and comments were for my ears only, as is that

which informs you here. Things have to be revealed to you in their due time, at the right time. You must be prepared before you learn that which is to come.”

“I can’t believe this,” said Augustus looking down dejectedly. “With all that is happening, no one will give me a head start on anything? Am I supposed to just stumble along and learn things by chance?”

“Not quite. You have that which is needed in you. You were given it before you came to this world. You merely must allow that which is within to be released at its proper time by experience and understanding that you will obtain along the way, at the right time, at the right place.”

Augustus sighed heavily and said, “I guess you’re right. It’s just that all this is ... so much to handle. I’m getting a sense that what is required of me is very big and important. I guess I’m just feeling anxious.”

“That’s expected,” Bebe said placing his hands on Augustus’ shoulders as Augustus looked down. “Know this...” At this point Augustus looked up and felt great intensity and compassion coming through the eyes that bore down on him. “Diatha and I will always be

47

here for you. We are here to council and aid you in your understanding. Don’t ever feel that you are alone in this endeavor.”

At this point Augustus reached forward and hugged Bebe. “Thank you, Bebe. That means a lot to me.” “Good. If you would like,” said Bebe, “I can leave you here and

return later if you desire to contemplate.” “That would be great. Thank you, Bebe.” Bebe gave Augustus a soft squeeze of the shoulder and began

the short journey back to the huts. Augustus was looking down lost in thought when his head

snapped up. “How will you know when I’m ready to come back?” he asked. Bebe turned slowly and said, “I’ll know.” As Bebe turned and walked away, Augustus looked up at the

sky and the great mix of clouds and colors that resided there. And as he did so he saw a most unusual sight. Floating by on the clouds was a castle, one made of brilliant alabaster glowing like the sun. And riding forth from the castle gates were several men on horses. Leading them was a man of great stature, one who exuded great dignity and grace. His men road about him with a protective and respectful air, a feeling of great love and devotion radiated from their countenances. As they rode off and out of sight, the king turned to Augustus and fixed him with a haunting yet benevolent gaze. One word came to mind, a word that stood on its own, expanding exponentially in its meaning and implication: Camelot.

Augustus gently sat back against a tree and considered the great wonder that surrounded him, as well as the great wonder to come.

6

Bebe had returned and was now escorting Augustus to one of the grove’s exits. Augustus was feeling much calmer about things and told Bebe that the time he had spent contemplating was miraculous and wonderful. The things that he had seen were beyond measure. However, Augustus noticed that Bebe was distracted by something and asked him what it was.

“I think it is time I made you aware of something,” said Bebe. “Not letting you know about this . . . thing has caused me some distress,” he said looking down at his feet with concern.

“Yes? Is it anything bad?” Augustus said, emphasizing the word “bad.”

“Nothing life threatening, but I find it a deception that can go on no longer. It concerns the time you spent contemplating in Nexus Vale. Did you notice anything unusual about your time there, as far as the duration is concerned?” Bebe spoke slowly in an attempt to soften the blow of his announcement.

“Well, I only spent a few hours there, but it was the most enjoyable time I’ve spent anywhere.”

Bebe smiled gently and said, “I must tell you, Augustus, that you weren’t there for only a couple of ... hours.”

“No? Then how long? Four, five hours?” Augustus said casually.

“No,” Bebe said, stretching out the “n”. “Well, in standard earth time you were actually there one year.”

Augustus had been nonchalantly kicking at the dirt, not too worried about what he felt was Bebe merely overreacting to something insignificant. Until now.

“A year! How could it be one year?” Augustus was now pacing nervously and snapping quick looks

back and forth between Bebe and the ground. His face was closing in on the shade of a ripe, juicy, plump and barely hanging on the tree Macintosh, one that farmer Brown better get to in the next couple minutes before it hits the ground and is rendered unsaleable.

“Each hour spent in Nexus Vale, Augustus, is equal to three earth months. Because of its calming and reviving nature, each hour passes with such ease and one is so full of purpose that the passage of

49

time goes virtually unnoticed. Your modern expression ‘time flies when you’re having fun’ applies here,” said Bebe smiling demurely.

Augustus began to calm down, and after looking at Bebe with some semblance of sanity returning to his eyes said, “Well, why am I worrying? I guess it doesn’t matter. Even if I spent nine years here and never lived another day they would be the best years of my life.”

“Then you are not upset?” “No, but I’d really like to go for a little walk to clear my head

about things. I need to know what to do next. Since I’ve been here a year, who knows what I’ve learned? because I don’t,” Augustus said with a perplexed half-smile, “I need to find out where I fit into all of this,” he said sweeping his hands in front of him. “This great big important plan that I seem to be a part of.”

“Very well. Let me show you the closest access/egress point.” Bebe guided Augustus to the quickest way to enter and exit

Finn without being detected. As Augustus left Bebe warned him, “And remember, it is vital that you keep your words to a minimum. Don’t forget that history has already been recorded, as far as you’re concerned.”

“Don’t worry, Bebe,” Augustus said with a wave and a smile. “I totally understand the situation. There is no chance whatsoever of something going wrong.”

7 Something was seriously wrong. Augustus was in a panic. He

couldn’t remember what he had said, nor could he remember the exact sequence of events. He only knew one thing, that the family he met on the road back to Finn had never heard the word “hootenanny” before. Shortly after Augustus had uttered it, and after briefly staring into several blank faces, it happened. For some reason this had created a rift in the time / space continuum, allowing his old friend the black hole—he of infinite density and endless mischief—to come back into his life.

For the first time Augustus got a good look at it. He noticed its dimensions were about twenty by twenty by twelve feet, about the size of a small bedroom. And it was in the shape of a doughnut, for the center was hollow, at least it appeared to be; however, its dimensions were not constant as they ebbed and flowed by several feet.

The black hole was hovering a few feet above the ground some thirty yards from Augustus, as if it were sizing him up for an attack, at least this was the impression he was getting. And then the most unusual thing happened. It started to chase him. Augustus ran at top speed all the way back to the grove with the black hole maintaining a twenty-foot distance. Augustus didn’t feel like getting sucked in and ending up in some alternate dimension where people may seem normal, but in actuality they are into putting together big hoedowns where they lynch new arrivals for weekend entertainment. That was actually an episode of The Twilight Zone Augustus had seen back in the twenty-first century, which at the time had scared the pants off him.

As Augustus made his way back to Finn, he hoped that the black hole would follow him into the grove. He felt that maybe somewhere in its infinite denseness where complete chaos reigned the absolute calm of Finn would counter the effect rendering it null and void.

Fat chance. Once he got into Finn it seemed to gain in intensity and

tenacity, and now it even appeared to be annoyed (are black holes sapient? stay tuned). It was chasing Augustus around the center of the grove causing him to scream for help.

51

“Help! Help!” Yeah, just like that. Bebe appeared on the scene and couldn’t believe what he saw.

Augustus was swerving and diving, skipping and ducking, climbing up, over, beyond and through things. O.K. maybe not through, but he certainly was of a mind to do so. All the while this black hole, that which appeared to be the size of a good Cadillac or two or three—that is if you balled them up semi-symmetrically—stayed right on his tail. It seemed to be waiting on something, for it was obvious to Bebe that it had the speed to catch Augustus, but for the moment it was merely tailing him until something happened.

“What happened?” screamed Bebe. He had to because the black hole was not only fast, agile, dense,

big, bouncy and black, it was loud. There was a great sucking sound coming from it. However, the force seemed to be in check at the moment as it waited for that “something” to happen.

“This thing started following me after I said something to a family I met on the road,” Augustus said leaping and ducking, zigging and zagging.

“What did you say?” “Well,” huff, huff, huff, “I only said, ‘Where are you people

going, to a hootenanny?’ Why would that cause so much trouble?” Puff, puff, puff.

“There are a myriad reasons. Maybe by bringing the word into the lexicon too soon it caused something to happen out of sequence, before its time, thus altering future events, thereby creating an alternate history, a rift in the space/time continuum, or another dimension.”

“Do you think that this thing is trying to take me there?” “That’s possible.” “But why?” yelled Augustus. Just as he said this someone else appeared on the scene. But this

wasn’t another talking animal. It was a man Augustus had never seen before, the only other human besides Bebe that Augustus had seen in the grove. At least he thought so, considering the limited attention he could give the matter at the moment.

“There is only one thing to do, and I’m sure of it,” said the stranger. “You must jump into the black hole. And it must be done soon or else the space/time opening will close and you will not be able to leap. And by being in the alternate history, or whatever has been

52

created, this will be the only way to seal the rift. I don’t know what you will have to do, Augustus, but I do know that you will determine what it is and that you will mend the situation. I have nothing but the utmost faith in you.” The man paused for a moment and said, “The only reason the black hole has not caught up to you and taken you within is because you must make the decision yourself, but as you can see by all the chasing, it thinks that would be the wisest decision.”

“That may be true, but who are you? How do I know what you say has any merit,” said Augustus as he barely avoided taking a tree head on.

“You know me well, my son, for we have spoken extensively since your first day at Finn, and whether you realize it or not you have made great progress. You have a great mind, agile and perceptive. You only need to increase faith in your own abilities. And when you do so you will be nothing short of spectacular.”

“But,” huff, huff, huff, “who are you?” As Augustus said this the stranger began taking on the forms of

other familiar creatures: first an owl, then a boar, next a sparrow, and finally a fish. Not just any fish, mind you, but Augustus’ favorite.

“Salmon! Diatha! You’re not an animal. You’re human!” “Yes. And strangely enough, when in the form of an animal

many here have often said to me in disgust ‘You’re nothing but a human.’ But never you mind that, Augustus, it’s time for you to go.”

Augustus finally stopped his running. Strangely enough the black hole did the same.

Well, not running, but you know. Possibly it did so out of respect, acknowledgement, appreciation and understanding of that which this brave young man was about to embark. Actually, it was simply tired. Hey, black holes get tired too, you know.

And just as Augustus was about to be sucked in amongst the roaring chaos he heard one last remark, and it went like this, “Augustus. Keep the faith.”

Swoooooooooooooooooooooosh!

8

Augustus remembered reading in a science journal at school that rapidly spinning black holes turn into a torus or doughnut shape. The center of the torus is the calm at the eye of the storm and resides outside the event horizon; therefore, the gravitational field is very low, which means that something placed within it may not get torn apart, in theory. Augustus believed that to a certain extent this was why he was not being obliterated. But, then again, how did he get past that part of the black hole outside the torus that could tear him apart. Regardless, he was inside, and what kept him from falling into the spinning chaos was the rest of the story. Whatever it was, it wasn’t visible, for it was pitch black where he sat. Why the center or torus was pitch black when inside the black hole but appeared empty or lit when outside was a mystery to Augustus. When he touched where he sat, it actually felt like a cushion on his parent’s couch. Very comfortable. But he was sure that he hadn’t read anything about couch cushions existing within a black hole. He had no better guess as to what he was sitting on or how he was being supported, nor did he care, as long as it kept him in one piece.

Augustus was also aware that in order to return to the dimension and time he originally came from, there was need for a tremendous power source, one that could create a quantum fluctuation that would enable him to travel through time. Only a black hole has that required energy. So even though it was temperamental and somewhat unpredictable, Augustus was glad it was around. There was also something else for him to think about as he traveled through space/time. This being his second ride he knew there would be some discomfort upon departure, so he had devised a method to help preserve his current physical state. And due to the fact that he was under the impression that he was about to be “dropped off,” he began to rapidly go over his plan for egress.

Seats in forward positions, kiddies, we’re about to hit pay dirt, or at least dirt, and most of that up the nose and in the ears and eyes. Ouch! He thought the best thing he could do to avoid serious physical discomfort was to roll himself into a ball immediately after impact. Hopefully, impact with flat and giving ground. He wasn’t sure how

54

much it was going to protect him. But he had taken one skydiving lesson where he learned to roll to decrease chance of injury, and he felt this might be the appropriate time for practical application. Within seconds of completing this thought, light burst through the consuming darkness of the black hole, meaning his trip was just about to . . . wwwwwwwwwwwwwWWWWWWWooooooooooooooo Sssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww (say these quickly) womp, womp, womp, womp, womp, (slow down here) thud, thud, thud, (slower), thud (good), thud, WACK! (end). When one is dropped off by a black hole (a ride one up on those given by your mom or dad) the sound and sensation of the event is similar to that of one’s ears unclogging after a two-hour swim in the ocean. Yeah, I’d say about two hours worth of ocean collecting and sloshing about in your head is correct—and then released, of course. You know how it is? As water drains sound comes wwwooooosssshing back. Well, this was happening to Augustus; however, the effect was probably ten times that which you’ve experienced on the beach during your average head cleaning session. And not only did he have to deal with the deafening and distracting sights and sounds of black hole departure, but amongst the mayhem he had to concentrate on mentally preparing himself for the big ball-tuck-and-roll, which he did. Well, kind of. He hit the ground, brought his knees to his chest and was just about to wrap his arms around them when he was rudely interrupted. Actually, even before he could go for the knees his chin was planted like a bucket of begonias. Like some extraterrestrial botanical soufflé his head was put in the mix. Oh yes! Pistils, stems, and stalk, oh my! that had to hurt. His brains were scrambled, or at least beaten to a fluffy, tender consistency. Just add a side of parsley and serve. And it wasn’t just a single stick into mother terra either, but there were several short and quick bounces before the final planting. Kind of like the first time you rode your bike and you experienced the trauma of improper brake usage, or lack of said brake usage, and before learning what they were for you used the curb to bring everything to a halt. And this sent you over the handlebars, resulting in your face being used as a secondary breaking system, and you went thump, thump, thump, thump, wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka, WHUMP! Can you feel it? I knew you could. Let’s go back to our hero’s agony, shall we?

55

In an effort to better his chances of coming away from an encounter of the departing kind with fewer bumps and bruises, and just general plain old nasty black hole lag, he realized he may have exacerbated things. Unlike his first ride, this time he was conscious for the whole time. He didn’t black out, but considering the pain he was experiencing he kind of wished he were closer to comatose. Augustus slowly moved from the prone chin-planting position onto his back. He stared up at the sky and took several deep and calming breaths. Well, he thought, at least the sky looks the same, whatever that means and for whatever that’s worth (bear with him, he’s still a little groggy). He lay still for several minutes breathing deeply, enjoying the returning sensations to his legs and arms. At least he wasn’t paralyzed. Maybe the black hole was a little miffed at him for something, but at least it didn’t leave him like the vegetable he almost was. Augustus felt good enough now to move about. He slowly sat up. With legs straight out in front and arms locked behind, he surveyed the territory. Well, at least this time things were a little more familiar. The flora and fauna looked familiar, like that back in the states. He didn’t see any sign of modern civilization, but he didn’t see any soldiers either, yet. However, he really didn’t have much of an idea as to where he was, what century it was, really even what country he was in, or if he was on the same planet or in the same dimension. Who knew? Just because the greenery looked familiar didn’t mean all that much. Well, he certainly had some things to figure out. He also realized that he had to be extremely observant and not talk, or reveal much, until he knew the lay of the land, so to speak. It wouldn’t be good to go blabbering on about time travel, or do anything else to cause suspicion, or, most importantly, say something that might send him hurtling through more dark, ominous and vacuous space/time. He stood and stretched his legs, checking things, before slowly walking towards what looked to be a path out of the rather dense woods. After a short walk, he stumbled onto a paved road. At least this was in the time of asphalt, a good thing, and on earth close to the time from which he came; either that or it was a good facsimile. He hadn’t taken too close a look at his surroundings, not noticing much more than the pavement (after all, he was still a little dazed by the landing), deep in thought, when a blasting horn told him

56

he may want to consider more than just the material consistency that lay before him. Augustus jumped back as a large SUV flew by. It dawned on him that this was not the only car on this rather busy road. It was as if the blast of the horn had opened up his ears, like what happens when you stand on one leg at the beach and after shaking the water out ... We’ve gone over this analogy before, so you know what I mean. As he walked alongside the road, the cars continued to pass him, those of the modern and familiar variety, and then he spotted a most comforting sight—Clark Street, home of the Falafel King. He was home. He picked up the pace in anticipation of collecting on some well overdue falafel therapy. Augustus ran into the Falafel King and stepped up to the counter to place his order. “Hi,” said Augustus. “How are you?” The attendant behind the counter merely glared at Augustus. He was a large, bearded, surly man. One obviously not to be trifled with. “What do you mean by that?” “Nothing, really. Just ... being pleasant.” “Are you always so … pleasant?” The attendant spat out “pleasant” like it had a bug on it. Augustus wondered why he was making such a big deal out of a basic social nicety. “I guess,” said Augustus. “Alright then,” said the attendant with some resignation and suspicion in his voice. “What do you want?” Augustus gave the guy the benefit of the doubt and figured he was just having a bad day. “I’ll have the #2 with a side of eggplant and mushrooms, please.” Looking suspiciously at Augustus, the attendant said, “Alright, we’ll get to it when we can.” “About how long will it take?” “How ‘bout tomorrow, sound good?” Looking past Augustus the attendant shouted, “Next!” Augustus drifted back to a table and sat down. He didn’t know if the guy was serious or not. How rude could someone be? He watched the attendant handle the next customer to see if it wasn’t just him that incited this guy to rudeness.

57

“What do you want?” “How ‘bout you keep your mouth shut and I do the talking,” said the customer. This made the attendant smile. The customer was more rude than the attendant; however, this guy not only got prompt service but with a smile. What was going on? Augustus decided that after he got his falafel he would talk to the manager. Actually, he should do it now, he thought. Maybe he was never going to see his falafel. But before he could get up the manager walked out surveying the lay of the land. Without prompting, the manager said to the attendant, “Hey chowder head, you gonna get this guy his falafel today?” he said pointing to Augustus, “or does he have to be nice to you.” Stiffening up some, the attendant said, “But he was nice to me.” Looking at Augustus the manager said, “Nice? What are you, some kind of trouble maker, kid?” Exasperated, Augustus said meekly, “No, sir. I just want my falafel.” Looking surprised and baffled, the manager said, “Sir? That’s single-helixed cretin to you, brainiack.” Had this town gone nuts? Why was everybody so rude? And not only rude, but it seemed to be the order of the day. It was like every jerk you knew in grade school had infected the general population and had made the exception the rule. What a nightmare if everybody was like this. Augustus got up and left to the accompanying glares of the attendant and manager, and even some of the customers who had been listening, without further conversation. He decided he didn’t feel like dealing with any additional problems and went home to get some rest. Feeling tired and still a little beat up from the landing, when he arrived he went around back and straight up the stairs to his room, opened the door and flopped onto the bed. He went to sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

You know ... head ... pillow ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

9 When Augustus awoke, he felt well rested and happy to be back in his bed amongst familiar surroundings. He was also feeling famished, since he hadn’t gotten his meal at the Falafel King. Once again. If Augustus ever considered believing in karma, this was the time, what with two significant events tied to his lack of falafel sustenance. However, he never really considered himself a religious person, even though, like Einstein, he believed not in some sort of personality, some intelligence, who created the universe and has some special concern with life, in particular human life, but rather a more abstract, cosmic spirit of order and harmony.

Me? I’m thinking there’s got to be some great significance here, so let’s examine this phenomenon a bit. Shall we? For Augustus’ sake. OK? After all, he does need our help, and even if we don’t come up with an ultimate solution, any help will help. Won’t you help? It’d be a nice gesture, anyway. I knew you’d comply.

Shall we see if there is any mystical or metaphysical significance to this lack of falafel fulfillment? OK then, I’ll take your silence for meaning yes. Let’s look for profound, life enhancing event significance here by applying the ever reliable, rational, rigorous and empirically sound Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon Theory. Basically, you take any actor and connect said actor to another by appearance together in the same film, then in six tries you get back to Kevin Bacon (i.e.: this actor worked with another actor in a film, who worked with another actor in another film, who worked with another actor in yet another film, until you get to Kevin Bacon). This theory shows that there is great order and meaning to the events in our lives, the universe and to Kevin Bacon’s existence. And I’m not talking about his acting ability or potential election to governor or president but that of greater universal application. And I’m not gonna tell ya exactly what I mean. You figure it out. Just saying what it is makes me, shall we say, knee-knockin’, stutterin’ and stammerin’ tipsy. Your call.

OK, back to business. To see if Augustus should be concerned with any spiritual connection, anything of karmanic (my word) significance, or the moral law of cause and effect, let’s take a look at that word falafel (a word derived from the Arabic falāfil) a Middle Eastern delicacy, a spicy mixture of ground vegetables formed into balls or patties and then fried. Next, Arabic is a Semitic language of the

59

Arabs of the Hejaz and Nejd that is now the prevailing speech of a wide region of northern Africa and southwestern Asia. In southeastern Asia, specifically, Cambodia, Thailand, Burma, Vietnam, and, for arguments sake, China, the predominant religion is Buddhism, and the Buddha, or Siddhartha, based his philosophy on Hinduism. Hinduism is where we find karma, which gets us back to where we started in six steps, or six degrees. Therefore, we’ve maximized the potential truth of this theory by proving its worth via application alongside numerous other human beings who’ve tested its validity and have done so successfully. Therefore, you gotta go tell him.

Pause. Longer pause. Hey! Don’t look at me. I can’t break out of character and tell

him. I’m the omnipresent narrator. If he sees me or gets wind of my existence, it’ll be like you finding out there’s a supreme being who’s pulling all the strings behind a veil that needs to be in place so that you can prove yourself worthy of your existence based on faith and not knowledge of your divine heritage. Now, I’m no divine presence, never claimed to be or aspire to be, but you get the analogy, right? What do I mean by my analogy? Sorry, you’ll have to call the missionaries on that one and find out for yourself. Me? I’m stuck in limbo land telling this story. But if you’ve got a big heart, you’ll help. But don’t look to me. I’ve got no ideas.

Pause. Pause. Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal long pause. OK! OK! Maybe you can come up with a really neat idea for a character

and I’ll insert you into the story somewhere, briefly, so don’t get no ideas about stardom and a big head and a big career, and you can tell him.

Pause. Pause. Sniffle. Sniffle. What are you doing? Alright. Alright. You’re welcome. Chin up. Here’s a hanky. Let’s move on, shall we? Times a wastin’.

60

He went downstairs and headed for the kitchen (remember he’d just woken), and when he got there someone he had never seen before startled him. Not that it was unusual for his parents to have someone over, but he just happened to be caught off guard this time, what with the great intergalactic-time-traveling trauma that had just transpired. He decided not to say hello, for risk of offending, or not offending. He wasn’t sure how to respond in this unusual world he had stumbled upon. It was a woman in her late thirties sitting at the kitchen table. She was dressed in casual attire, jeans and a white dress shirt with sleeves rolled up reading the newspaper. Her elbows were on the table as she gently sipped a steaming cup of coffee that was pressed between her hands. She looked up at Augustus and put the cup down and began talking to him like she was a part of the family and she had lived with Augustus and his parents for years. “Well, Mr. Einstein, if you think I’m gonna make you dinner you’ve got another thing coming.” Augustus decided to play it safe. “Oh, keep your shirt on. I’ll do it myself.” This seemed to work. She went back to sipping her coffee without a word. As Augustus put something together to eat, he wondered who this woman was and how he should go about finding out. Another question he considered was, where were his mom and dad? It wasn’t like them to be out of the house this time of day. But, then again, nothing seemed normal in this dimension, or world, or wherever he was. His parents were usually sitting in front of the television having dinner at this time. He decided to take a stab at solving one of the mysteries, but felt he should start with the easier of the two. “It’s dinner time and I don’t see mom and dad around, what gives?” Augustus decided he would take the middle ground on rudeness. He wouldn’t be polite, but he wasn’t willing to sink to the accepted level of rudeness, either. Though in time it could happen, he thought. “Your mom and dad? What, are you mental?” said the lady, eyes down with a severely twisted and contorted brow. She may blow people. Get back! “You were told they wouldn’t be able to visit here anymore, that you’d have to go see them.” See them, thought Augustus, what was she talking about?

61

Well, he had to find out, but he had to do so tactfully. “I know. What I mean is that they should be here making me something. It’s not like I shouldn’t be waited on hand and foot.” “Yeah, well, don’t expect me to,” she said, keeping her eyes on the paper. “I’m just here under court order. You being a minor is the only reason I’m here, and, of course, I don’t have to pay rent.” “So, when are we going to see them? Because I have to get some money. I can’t live on brains alone, you know,” Augustus said with a tinge of sarcasm. He was getting the hang of this. “Well, you better take the bus again because I’m not going to drive you. Nothing in the court order about that.” “Yeah, but they’ve changed the bus route, so I don’t know which one to take anymore.” “Take whichever one goes downtown to the Morris Asylum, Einstein,” she said with more boredom than disgust. “I’m going to bed,” she said. “Don’t make any noise or I’ll sit on your beaker and sell your telescope.” “Microscope.” “Whatever. Just keep it quiet.” She put her cup down on the table and headed for his parent’s bedroom. Augustus couldn’t believe that his parents were both in an asylum. What had happened? What had they done? he thought. Maybe this woman drove them insane. He wondered if she had anything to do with it. Maybe a plot? Maybe she was out to take his mom and dad for all they had? They weren’t wealthy, but they did make a comfortable living and had some substantial investments. But first things first. Who was this woman? He decided to look around the house for clues. Where should he start? The mail. The most obvious place. He ran to the hallway by the living room where the mail was kept. He reached frantically for the drawer of the small desk. Nothing. Where would she put the mail? Of course, in her room. But how was he going to get in there now? He tiptoed to his parent’s room and stood outside the door. He listened carefully. He could hear the faint sound of running water. Great! She was taking a shower. But maybe she wasn’t in the shower yet. He had to make sure. Then Augustus thought he should wait until tomorrow, but his curiosity was getting the best of him. He wanted to know who this woman was. Now! He decided she must be in the shower by now and began turning the doorknob. Slowly, slowly... and with the door opened ever so

62

slightly he looked in. He didn’t see her, so he kept opening the door inch by inch until he was able to stick his head through. The coast was clear. He looked at the door to the bathroom and saw that it was ajar. He wasn’t sure how long she had actually been in the shower, so he had to work quickly. He went to the dresser to see if there was any mail. Nothing. Next he went to the desk. Nothing again. Suddenly the shower stopped. Now he not only had to work fast but quietly. He started to panic and thought he should just get out when his eyes fell upon a letter. It was addressed to her! He grabbed it and quickly scooted towards the door. He closed it as quietly as he could and ran down the hall and up to his room. Augustus lay on the bed with his heart pounding. After a couple of deep breaths he looked at the name on the envelope. What he saw astonished him. The last name on the envelope was the same as his mother’s maiden name; however, the shocker was the first name: Rose. This woman is his mother’s sister. Could it be? Augustus had never met his mother’s sister because she lived in Africa. His mother told him that she worked with the poor and disadvantaged. He couldn’t believe that this was the same woman. Everything he had heard about Aunt Rose was good. His mother said that she was a saint, one of the kindest and most giving people she knew. How could this rude woman in the kitchen be the same person? What was going on here? The more he experienced in this strange new world, the more confused he became.

He spent the greater portion of the day contemplating all that had transpired and what he should do. After what seemed to be endless hours of walking through the mall, skipping stones on the pond at the park, and riding his bike, he decided that he had had enough for the day, that he would sleep on it and go see his parents in the morning. They would straighten things out for him, hopefully, he thought with visions of calming answers dancing in his head.

10

Augustus got up early the next morning to catch the first bus into town. He stood waiting, his mind buzzing with questions. He slept decently but woke early from a strange dream. In it he was being chased by someone who wanted to do him bodily harm. He wasn’t sure if the person wanted him dead or not, but he wasn’t going to stick around long enough to find out, dream or no dream.

Considering the difficulty one often has in determining whether dreams are real or not, at least while dreaming, it’s a good general policy to run. Even if it is real life and no one is after you or it’s just a dream, you can always use the “Well, either that was one angry fruit fly or my name ain’t Jeremiah” excuse. It wasn’t and you aren’t. But don’t worry, you’ve messed up before. Back to the drama.

Augustus couldn’t recall everything that occurred, only the ending. He had just run into the woods by a housing development to avoid his aggressor. It appeared to be early fall, for the leaves were displaying their colors but they hadn’t started falling yet. He remembered jumping into a pond and submersing himself, and while floating on his back just under the surface of the water, he stuck a reed into his mouth for air. He was in the water for several minutes before feeling it was safe to come up. As he did so, a whitewashed brick wall that encircled him, which was maybe ten feet in diameter and about five feet high, replaced the anticipated surroundings of flora and fauna. It initially appeared to be some sort of well. Whatever it was he had to get out, but there was nothing solid beneath him to stand on, so he hunkered down in the water and lunged for the top of the wall. His left hand landed precariously, but he was able to hold on long enough to bring his right hand up to steady himself. After much straining and struggling he pulled himself up out of the well. What Augustus saw amazed him. A circular driveway surrounded him, and upon further observation he noticed that he was no longer in the country but somewhere within the confines of a city. The driveway that encircled him was for the huge arena that rose before him. As he pulled himself from the well he noticed that it was now a fountain, merely a few feet deep. Emerging, he looked at the large neon sign displaying the evening’s entertainment. Augustus was spelled out in white lights on a sign some fifty feet high by one hundred feet wide.

64

The next thing he knew he was inside the arena, and as he looked about there seemed to be in attendance every important and famous person imaginable. There were big name entertainers, politicians, scientists, businessmen ... the list went on and on. Augustus remembered it was like another dream he had when he was ten years old. The dream was quite brief. He merely opened the door to his room and looked inside. However, what he saw astonished him. On the bed and floor, on the desk and bureau, covering every square inch of his room were toys, gadgets, and every shinny, colorful and new thing that a boy of ten could possibly ever want. Well, at least this boy of ten. It was like a hundred Christmases wrapped into one. He remembered waking from the dream shortly after seeing all the goodies and feeling quite depressed that all the neat things in his room were not real.

The feeling Augustus had when he walked into the arena was similar to seeing all that neat stuff—a more mature boy’s dream. He was overwhelmed with excitement. And the most exciting thing about the arena dream was that everybody was there to see him. But he never found out why because shortly after arriving he woke.

So here he was again with cataclysmic excitement, overpowering wowishness, amazingly impressive, silly, jelly belly feelings of goofiness ... with no payoff. Kind of like that first date with all indicators that she likes you but at no point during the walk home does she take your hand. OK, so I’m pulling from an old Leave it to Beaver episode. Sue me for pining for a less jaded time.

But the strangest thing happened when he woke. For some reason, right before the dream ended, again he was submerged in the water on his back with the reed sticking out of his mouth. But when he came out of the water this time, instead of being in a well outside the arena he was back in the woods by the housing development. And as he shook water from his face and focused his gaze, there stood before him what appeared to be a man, the same aggressor who wanted to do Augustus some harm, the same man who was saying “You like French-fries, like LeAnn Rimes, like truck stops, yeah I’m all about selling shoes.” And as Augustus focused, the shock of seeing this strange and frightful man faded as the aggressor morphed into the lamp and chest of drawers that sat at the foot of his bed. And the strange thing the man was saying became the lyrics of a song being played on KWAC 1000, “Owner of the only hit list without a Rocko Sarduchie.”

65

As he got off the bus and headed into the asylum, Augustus was full of apprehension. What if his parents don’t recognize him, have entirely forgotten who he is as they linger in some mentally imbalanced, stuporous haze? The angst-ridden boy walked slowly to the entrance.

At the front desk he asked for his parents and was told that they were on the porch out back getting some sun. An attendant motioned Augustus toward him, and they were soon on their way walking across a plush, green lawn. Augustus thought briefly about asking why his parents were at the asylum but decided he couldn’t do it without potentially drawing suspicion, so he kept it to himself.

As he walked, he couldn’t help imagining them being tormented, sitting strapped to cold, hard, sterile benches with attendants hovering over them bearing all types of drugs and devices. This sitting on the porch, a short stay from their lengthy, horrific treatments.

The whoosh of the electronic door to the porch startled Augustus out of his daydream. He stepped briefly into another building, past security and back onto the lawn. He was again led to his right, and as quickly as they made the turn around the corner of yet another building he spotted them.

He was startled by what he saw. They looked ... happy? Augustus thought. As a matter of fact, they never looked happier. They were

sitting in the sun on a couple of chase lounges looking the picture of health. They were mutually beaming a remarkable radiance Augustus hadn’t seen since he had put eyes on that redhead climbing the jungle gym in sixth grade. She was the most radiant thing he had ever seen, with the exception, maybe, of the high school cheerleaders / supermodels in training. It was the first time he had stirrings for the opposite sex, and it turned his insides into a twenty-four seven, all explosive, ever expanding, galactic, malted milkshake sensation of the millennium. He was glad.

He approached his parents cautiously, like he had just used the good china for breeding spore cultures—because of the plates innate non-degenerative nature (they worked better than paper plates)—and he had to break the news that his science project required long term gestation on the eve of his parent’s annual, formal attire barbecue and beach ball event of the summer. Not that this ever happened to him in real life. No.

66

When they saw him coming, their beaming began to burn several hundred candela brighter than when they had been looking at each other. The radiance was blinding.

“Augustuuuuuuuuuuus,” bellowed his father. To Augustus he sounded like a dying walrus-balloon, emitting

its final gasp before ascending to the heavens, disappointing all potential little boy and girl proprietors.

“Hi dad ... and mom.” They’re insane, he thought. They both sat with outstretched arms, looking like a couple of

nestlings pleading for sustenance. He reservedly obliged. Not that he didn’t want to hug his parents, but since they hadn’t accepted hugs from him since his thirteenth birthday he was a bit out of practice. They had told him that he was becoming a young man and that “Young men don’t hug their parents like a child.”

“Ohhhhh Augustus,” beamed his mother as she hugged him. She then held him at arms length to study him closely. “Has your Aunt Rose been feeding you at all? You look as thin as a rail.”

Augustus paused for a minute because living with Aunt Rose consisted of an entire day. “She’s been giving me what I want. I just haven’t been eating much. I’m O.K., mom. Really, no problem.”

“Well, it’s important that you eat right. I mean, you want to grow up big and handsome like your dad, don’t you?” She turned to Augustus’ dad and they gave each other the googly-eyes.

Augustus couldn’t believe what he was seeing and hearing. He had never seen them like this. Not that they hadn’t shown affection towards each other in the past, but it was more like brother and sister than this. And Augustus remembered his father always being short tempered around his mother. She was generally a very sweet person, but her naiveté often wore on his father’s nerves. Augustus recalled one time when his mother was frustrated by something and she said, “Oh, sweet Mary and Peter.” His father corrected her and said “Joseph,” causing her to respond sweetly, “Oh, alright then, the whole family.”

On another occasion, a close friend of the family had died and Augustus’ mother felt it was her fault that the woman didn’t live longer because she didn’t pray to the proper saint when she had prayed to St. Jude. Augustus’ father said angrily, “Who should’ve you prayed to? The patron saint of additional time?”

67

Then Augustus remembered an incident when he was about ten-years old. He had just gotten a dog and his family was trying to come up with a name for it when Augustus’ mother suggested Speedy because the dog used to run circles around the house very quickly. Augustus’ father said, “Better yet, why don’t you call him Around the House and Craps on the Lawn?” His dad had just seen Dances With Wolves. Then one time the dog wasn’t feeling good, so Augustus’ mother brought him to the vet for a tummy tuck. She told his father, “It made him feel better.” His father said, “If you wanted to make him feel better, you should have just dropped him off at the Andersons. Fifi is in so much heat she’s inadvertently tanning the neighbors as they walk by.”

These memories were of parents who worked hard at not getting along, but this couple sitting before Augustus had turned over a new leaf, and they certainly didn’t fit in with the general attitude he had encountered since his return from Finn. His mom and dad were quite the opposite of what he had been experiencing, quite the opposite.

“Well,” Augustus’ mom said, “what brings you to the asylum?” Augustus was put off guard by the way she said “asylum” so

casually. He thought that maybe they were so far gone that they didn’t have any idea where they were, or why they were where they didn’t know they were. Got that?

“So ... you know where you are?” Augustus said hesitantly. “Of course we do, Augustus,” said his mother coyly. “We’ve

been put here because we’re happy,” she smiled through pursed lips. “Yes son,” said Augustus’ father, “we were just plain tired of

the same old, same old and opted for a little relief, and some free room and board.”

Augustus’ mom and dad looked at each other and did the googly thing again.

“So this is kind of like a vacation for you?” “Sure, we’re both tired of working and the world makes little

sense to us anymore. When you think about it, we’re born, get an education, a job, buy some material things, a kid here and there, seventy, eighty, ninety years, boom! you’re gone. What’s the big deal? So we’ve checked out. Your mother and I have had to work hard at fitting in all these years, and we just couldn’t do it anymore. Eventually we just got tired of constantly being harassed for civil violation.”

“You and mom have violated civil law?”

68

Augustus’ father looked at him mildly perplexed and said, “Actually, it’s the law of civility, which states one may be civil to another only when under supreme duress, siege, or are decreed to do so by federal law. Didn’t you take that class in high school?”

Augustus merely shrugged his shoulders. “It’s just too much a part of our nature to be happy and to do

kind things for others, but, of course, in this day and age that’s a federal offense, what with political incorrectness, the United Anti-apology League, and the rise of Sludge, Bilge and Bile.”

“What’s that?” Augustus asked. Augustus’ father looked at him oddly and said, “My goodness

son, you have a mind for math and science but your social studies certainly need tending to. They are the leading presidential candidates for the liberal majority. You need to pick up a paper now and then or maybe turn on the television. Maybe you should have become a journalist like I wanted you to; it would have kept you on top of current events, at least.” Augustus’ dad paused and waved his hand negating what he had just said, “But it doesn’t matter, you do what you like.” He smiled up at Augustus and grabbed him about the waist for a monster hug.

Augustus couldn’t remember his father ever telling him that he wanted him to become a journalist. His writing acumen was virtually non-existent. One of his few attempts at writing was torn apart by his ninth grade English teacher. She told him that he had a great mind for science, but when it came to writing she knew that he was not suited for it. Stick to empirical study, she advised. You and the rest of the world will be better off for it.

To expand upon the point, in tenth grade, Augustus had written a paper on a novel he had read and turned it into a thesis on time relativity. No matter how hard he tried, everything veered toward the realm of science and theoretical pondering. The opening statement went like this:

“‘It held no hope for the future,’ she would later say about her writing. Actually, for all we know, she has yet to write, will travel from the future and then write, and it’s us who would actually later read, independent of her relative time / space position within the continuum. Therefore, we’ve read before she wrote and before she talked about her writing. But who really knows? Maybe she didn’t say or write it at all. Maybe someone wrote it for her after reading her mind, or maybe she

69

was reticent and wouldn’t let someone read her mind and to preserve literary posterity they had to slap it out of her and then someone else wrote it down.”

So, you see why he stuck to science. An attendant came over with food and set down the tray he was

carrying. “Oh, thank you good nurse. You’re so kind to us, and we could

never repay you for all you’ve done over these many months,” Augustus’ father said with a lilting tone, brought home by a big league smile and hug. At this the attendant flinched and looked around to see if anyone was watching. He looked nervously at Augustus and quickly headed inside.

“Oh, they certainly do have a special way, don’t they?” Augustus’ mother said.

“Yes, they do. Yes, they do,” agreed father as he dug into the food.

Augustus saw that he wasn’t going to be able to accomplish anything here. He felt he was more likely to give away something he shouldn’t than get any useful information to aid him in resolving his problem. He had seen enough. Now he had to go back to his room and determine what his next move should be, not only to save his parents (even though he actually preferred them this way he knew it wasn’t really them) but to absolve this parallel universe, or at least get back to his real home.

“Mom, dad, I’ve got to go now.” Augustus’ dad looked at him incredulously. “But son, you just arrived and we were enjoying your company

so,” he beamed. Augustus wasn’t so sure he wanted this small segment of the parallel universe to end.

“Yes, son, please stay,” said Augustus’ mom. “We can play some table games after dinner and then go for a walk. They have such beautiful gardens here.”

Augustus had to focus all his energy just to tell them, “I’m sorry, but I’ve got to get back now. I’ll come and visit later in the week when I can stay longer.”

“Ohhhhhhh alright, Augustus. You’re such a little man of projects,” said his mother smiling and pinching his hand. “You’re right. We’ve got all the time in the world, and you just let us know when you’re coming and we’ll plan a very special day. OK, dear?”

70

Augustus did everything he could to keep his emotions in check.

“Yes, mom.” He bent over and gave her a hug. He did the same to his father

and headed for the exit. As he rode the bus home something came over him. There was

a calming, gentle burning that centered itself in the upper left portion of his chest over something that had been used solely for sustaining life. He discovered within that same utilitarian organ, tucked away deep inside somewhere within the nooks and crannies, words that he had read in poems and lyrics he had heard in songs that always seemed so flowery and superfluous and were in no way pertinent to his life. Now they woke and embraced and tickled and played about with their lost brother, one whom they desired to tell the world of their story, to help all feel the gift, that of the eternal and that of the potential boundless rapture begging for release from within.

♫ 11 ♫

Augustus didn’t go directly home. He spent the greater portion of the day walking and thinking. When he finally arrived it was dark and for the first time he fully took in his surroundings. He suddenly realized that he couldn’t remember where he had been. He was walking up the back stairs to his room as he tried to recall the ground he had covered when he looked up and saw a considerable amount of light pouring out from underneath his bedroom door. It was bountiful light, gobs of light; whatever, you know who was up there.

Augustus flew up the stairs and flung open the door. “Hey, Shake. How’s my little multidimensional, time hopping

lagomorph? Falafel free and funky fresh these days?” Augustus was so happy to see MB that not a word came out of

his mouth. “Why is it that every time I see you, you develop a brain

aneurysm?” Slowly, and with some difficulty, Augustus said, “It’s just that

I’m so glad to see you. I really need someone to talk to. I’ve been walking and thinking all day and ...” Augustus sputtered to a halt.

“Yeah, I know. You were making Dr. Scholls nervous about his footwear guarantee. Were you just out walking or were you trying to cover the million man march by yourself?”

“I did walk for some time,” Augustus said slowly while looking at his shoes, “but I can’t recall where I’ve been. Like I said, I’ve had a lot on my mind.”

“Me too, Shake ‘n Bake. I was dealing with this guy who just recently arrived. Died in a car accident in Boston. He went through a red light. Some guy from Florida rammed him. Killed instantly. A bit of a troublemaker. A little self-righteous. Felt out-of-towners should always be on the look out for him. He told me, ‘Purely Florida’s fault. I’m from the area. I have the right of way to ignorance.’ I told the guy pride, pride kills more people than questionable footwear—Dr. Scholls excluded.” MB winked.

“But that’s not the end of it. He’s exacting revenge from the grave. Had his brother enroll Florida in the Columbia House Music club. The guy keeps forgetting to mail back those order form cards. Been getting the selection of the month for years.” MB lowered his voice and leaned towards Augustus. “Nobody returns them on time, do

72

they?” Straightening up he continued. “Now he has a collection that’s most likely to make you commit suicide. You know, Celine Dion, Britney Spears, The Best of American Idol and Beyond.” MB pursed his lips, closed his eyes and shook his head in little back and forth motions.

“So the guy from Boston is really upset about his death?” Augustus said with little conviction. He knew MB would keep talking anyway, but he asked just for window dressing.

“Not really. He was actually pretty happy. Was looking forward to the after life because he said that if you’re like most of us, just an average person, you end up spending eternity doing small favors for Elvis.”

“Sounds like he’s got it all worked out,” Augustus said, almost unconscious from desperation for answers to his pressing questions. But he knew better.

How Augustus treated MB here was similar to the way John Boy Walton and friend treated the little old ladies when asking for gas in the original made for TV movie The Waltons. They had broken down in the middle of the night in a snowstorm outside the little old ladies’ house. The friend said that you don’t rush these kind and gracious ladies into a favor. Of course, after an hour of song and conversation the friend finally asks for gas and one of the ladies says, “Why didn’t you just say so in the first place?” Hmmmm, maybe a lesson here for Augustus.

“Well, the guy from Boston did have a few problems, initially,” said MB. “As he was going over his sins Sigmund Freud kept interjecting: that one’s sexual, that one’s sexual. Also, when his spirit first left his body it was accidentally astroprojected into the back of a Dodge pickup, which didn’t harm him and actually improved his off road performance.”

“So, what’s it like in heaven? What’s he doing now?” Augustus was actually gaining interest in MB’s story. Hmmmmm, maybe MB wasn’t just a big blabbermouth after all. Keep reading.

“It’s not much different from earth bound life, you know. You’ve got to make a living. Can’t just sit around idle. He’s got a job now. Says he’s never been happier. Feels like he’s finally come into his own. However, he’s so happy he can’t stop telling his wife about it, and she’s kind of getting annoyed.”

“You mean he communicates to her? Like through a medium?”

73

MB looked at Augustus incredulously. “Of course not! Those guys are fakes, and they’re not exactly

tapped into the most honorable forces, if you know what I mean? No, he communicates to her the normal way, through dreams. However, he’s beside himself with joy and can’t stop telling her about what he’s experiencing. One time she’s daydreaming about Kevin Costner when Boston drops in. He gets upset. He can’t believe his wife’s already seeing other guys. She tells him, ‘It’s a daydream, you idiot. Do you think I’d be with Kevin Costner in real life? You’ve got to get the facts. Don’t you get the Enquirer up there?’”

“I guess some things never change,” said Augustus, falling back into a malaise.

“Yeah,” MB commiserated. “I understand that this guy wasn’t too good to his wife when he was alive. When she found out that he was all revved up about his job she lost it. She said, ‘You mean to tell me it took you getting killed before you’d finally seek employment? Did I have it backwards all those years saying, it wouldn’t kill you to get a job. I should have killed you to get you a job! Who knew murder would have put a little food on the table!’ This missy was miffed.”

“So, what kind of work does this guy do?” Augustus seemed to be perking up again. “Is he like you? Appearing amongst massive light and helping earthbound humans?”

“No, that job takes a little more training and experience. Actually, he has a very interesting and responsible position. He’s working in the voices department. He appears as a voice or as a thought to the living. Like sometimes you have a thought and wonder where it comes from? It’s him.” “How does it work?” Augustus said with enthusiasm. And you thought MB was just telling this story because he likes to talk. Think again, oh sage of the shallow and unperceiving. “Well, for instance, say you mess up really bad on a regular basis and you ask yourself ‘What am I? A complete idiot?’ He responds, ‘No, but one more screw up and you’ve graduated.’ He does a lot of work with people who talk to themselves, like the unemployed, children with invisible playmates, and, of course, all those women who blew it by not marrying for money the first time. Sometimes he’s the voice of correction. Unfortunately, people don’t always hear him after they’ve said one thing and he tells them they actually mean something else. He does a lot of work with politicians.”

74

“So how often does he communicate with his wife now that she’s read him the riot act?” asked Augustus. “Well, he’s much more considerate of her time and understanding of her need to get on with her life. And because of this they’ve struck up regular conversation, that which appears to have the Mrs. quite happy about their relationship. Actually said that she’s never enjoyed his company so much in her life or his afterlife.” MB lowered his head in Augustus’ direction and said, “Goes to show you what a little time and distance can do for a relationship.” Straitening up MB continued. “Lately, he’s been telling her about what goes on in heaven.” “Do you allow that?” Augustus said. “I mean, if everyone was communicating with their deceased about heaven, wouldn’t we end up knowing what it was like? I thought it was supposed to be a secret?” “Well, even though the deceased are allowed to communicate with the living, after they have done so the minds of the living are blanked or washed clean of anything they shouldn’t know.” “Like the undercover guys in Men in Black who use the flash of light to erase the memory of someone who has seen them and sundry aliens.” “Yes. Where do you think they got the idea?” “Ah,” said Augustus. “I see. So what has he been telling her about heaven?” Augustus was totally caught up in the story now. “We really don’t allow him to give specifics, only general information, or information that is insignificant, even though the occasional secret is revealed—therefore our memory eraser. But what he’s been telling her is that all the miscommunication that goes on between the races, the sexes, the social and financial classes is actually preparation for the after life. He had an interesting way of describing it. He told her heaven is actually like one big communications seminar. Just like group therapy, but without fees or time limits.” “That’s an interesting way to put it,” said Augustus. “Well, what he’s talking about is the debriefing people get upon returning to heaven once they’ve dropped off their mortal coil at the check in desk.” At this point MB changed direction and said, “Let me ask you, do you remember much before the age of five or so?” “No, and I’ve often wondered why. I’ve heard that you are so fresh from the oven, so to speak, so pure that you are still able to see

75

angels. And I’ve heard that when babies seem to be smiling to themselves it’s actually someone not unlike yourself that they are seeing or listening to.” “Very good,” said MB, “you’ve learned well. But you only have half the story. Babies are actually quite a bit smarter and more perceptive than they are given credit for. Just because they haven’t developed speech, do little other than eat, sleep, and spit up doesn’t mean that there’s nothing going on, that they are null and void. No sir. They are seeing angels, and the angels are actually giving babies their final briefing on what life is all about, or the general lowdown on some of the challenges and trials they’re going to face. They also give them some words of wisdom and thoughts to live by.” “Really? But we don’t remember any of it, do we? I can’t say I do.” “The information remains in your memory and is only used in time of need. You will recall specific information on an as-need basis, but you will not remember its source. It’s a failsafe set up. Kind of like mortality insurance.” “I see,” said Augustus. “So you were going to tell me more about what the man from Boston was telling his wife about heaven.” “Right,” said MB. “Anyway, what he was talking about was the debriefing that goes on after one has completed mortality and returns to heaven. He told his wife that Sigmund Freud originally ran the debriefing seminar he was attending, but now it’s being run by Elvis, who had become bored with his job as entertainment director. Elvis told those in charge, ‘Why do you think I committed suicide in the first place?’ But no one wanted him to lead the seminar. Everyone loves him. He’s a great guy, but they all felt Sigmund was better qualified, of course. So in order to keep the job, Elvis had to cut a deal. He said, ‘You give me Siggie’s job I’ll stop showing my movies.’ They quickly accepted his offer. But they told him that he’d have to do them a favor and sing one more song, “Spirit in the Sky.” An afterlife favorite. Unfortunately, entertaining this one last time put him over the edge. He got really depressed. He was doing so poorly at one point that it was felt the only way to save him would be to bring him back to life, which is actually illegal in heaven because they still haven’t passed the life penalty.”

76

Augustus smiled briefly, but his smile quickly faded to a mouth—eventually, rest of face and posture—expressing concern and thoughtfulness.

Distractions can only last so long when dealing with matters of the utmost importance. They can, however, create a nice little break. “What’s with the long face,” said MB.

As if he didn’t know. “First off, it’s being in this strange dimension. It seems that

everyone here thinks a bad attitude is good and a good attitude worthy of institutionalization. Secondly, I have to figure out what I need to do to mend the rift that I created so this dimension is dissolved, or so I can at least get out of here. Finally, and most unfortunately, my parents in this dimension are the kindest, most loveable, fun loving people I’ve ever met. I’ve never seen happier people, but I can’t stand ninety-nine percent of the rest of existence here. I’m lost. For a guy that’s supposed to have a brilliant and agile mind, I feel pretty stupid.”

“Hey, don’t feel bad. You’re in good company. Einstein often felt inadequate.”

“Yeah?” Augustus said dejectedly. “Sure. A person’s genius is often limited. Did you know

Einstein flunked math in his early years?” Augustus lifted an unenthusiastic eyebrow. “Sure, and he used to forget where he lived on a regular basis.”

“I thought those stories were made up only to make him seem more human,” said Augustus.

“Human?” said MB. “Human? I’ll give you human. He was more human than a lot of people, and not because of his genius but because of his humility. He may have been brilliant but that to me is his least impressive attribute. I’ll take a humble person, any level of intellect, over someone with a superiority attitude anytime. But just because he was a genius in one field doesn’t mean he had the same acumen in all areas of life. Mozart, the same thing. He was a brilliant musician but he was no engineer or scientist. Einstein was a brilliant scientist but had no ability for politics. Michelangelo, a great painter and sculptor but absolutely no business sense. That which drives a person, that which consumes does just that, and most of the rest of life doesn’t interest, nor does human limitations allow for much else. Man’s finite brain is really quite restricted. It’s a very forgetful, low volume, linear processing machine. So don’t ever feel bad about your

77

inadequacies. You were given these limitations to see your humanity, to make you humble so that you would see what is really important.”

“Ok, but what about getting out of here?” I guess he wasn’t in the mood for a philosophy lesson. “Well, that’s up to you to figure out,” said MB. Augustus looked at MB incredulously. “But you’re the one with all the answers. Years—centuries of

experience, insight and know-how that has to count for something.” “Sorry, you’re on your own.” Before Augustus could protest MB held up his hand. “I know that logically, with limited experience, it looks like I

should step in here, but believe me that’s not the case.” MB adjusted amongst his spiritualness and continued. “You see, kid, I’m not going to be able to tell you anything you

don’t already know. I know, cliché, but there’s not much I can do. I can tell you what you want to hear or what you should actually do to get out of this jam, but there’s one thing missing in the equation.”

“What’s that?” Augustus said like a kid—or the kid he was. “You. Yes, you.” MB paused for affect. “If I told you what to

do or went along with you and guided you, adjusting for wind angle and speed, so to speak, it would help you get there but it would stop you from getting there, as in the big there—experience for the soul.” MB paused and said, “You’ve read that one, haven’t you? It’s right next to Chicken Soup for the Soul at Barnes and Nobles.”

No response from Augustus. Seeing that Augustus was not in the mood for jest MB continued.

“Now, consider that I may aid you and let you know what’s up. How’s this not going to help you? Just like not being there when history was made so you don’t really learn it, not going through a challenge on your own, or with minimal help, steals from the impact and authenticity of the moment. To clarify, what have you learned more from, you’re A’s and B’s or D’s and F’s?”

“Never got ‘em,” Augustus said, referring to the latter two grades.

“OK, that one usually works most of the time. Let’s try this. What grades do you remember the most?”

“The wrong one’s the teachers gave me.” “OK. OK,” MB said with measured slowness. “Now we’re

getting somewhere. Regardless, it’s this grade, that performance, that

78

speech, this, that whatever that isn’t quite up to snuff that humans have a tendency to remember. Now, if you were always perfect, never failing, how would that affect the learning process?”

“I guess I wouldn’t appreciate my successes as much.” “Bingo! Without the dark you don’t appreciate the light:

sickness, health; sadness, happiness; and so on. The Taoist talks about it in the Ying/Yang, the Hindu in actualizing the human potential or yoga, the Buddhist in overcoming the wheel of life—to exceed sorrow you must experience it first—the Christian in the theme that all things have their opposite and so on. It’s experience that gives you the greatest benefit, emotional or spiritual or soul enhancing, if you will, growth. Now, you may struggle, and struggle mightily, but it is only by overcoming difficulties that one grows best. Why climb Kilimanjaro? Why seek fame and fortune? Why open your own business? Sure, for the thrill, for profit, but more significant than a mere thrill or maximizing monetary gain is the challenge of the process. Preference of process over result, so to speak. Those who love challenges often lose enthusiasm after success has settled in, then they look for new challenges. It’s all about stretching, growing and learning, and an education for the brain is nice but education for the soul is oh so edifying and eternal. For what do you take with you when you’re gone, after you’ve spent your time here on this earth, a mere spit in the cosmic bucket of time? I’ll tell ya. Your thoughts. You don’t take your money, buildings, degrees, and titles with ya.”

“I always think it’s funny,” MB continued, “how people talk about their desire to leave a legacy, accomplishments that the world will remember them by. Well, if you’re lucky, a few people may remember you for a minute or two out of their lifetimes, but what does that matter? Zilch. You want to leave something? Leave lessons of love. Teach those you know how to love and it will catch on exponentially. Nothing catches fire like love. And I’m not just talking about kissing and hugging. I’m talking about laughing but not at the expense of others; not taking yourself too seriously but the sacred do honor; allowing others to be and have a say and not always being so ready to put your two cents in; keeping your mouth shut and your heart open to the quiet, grace laden voice floating gently above the din—the tumult of the ignorance of gratuitous profit. Here is the Great Informer, one who can not be found anywhere on this earth but who lives in the hero’s self sacrifice in tales of adventure and wonder, in the father

79

coming home exhausted and stressed bending to lift and embrace his child with a smile and purpose, the teacher instructing and encouraging after most have gone home, the mother aching in body and heart as she pats and strokes a child to health. One does not learn how to love through books or instruction. It must be learned by doing. So do.”

Augustus knew now what he must do. It was more evident to him than anything he had ever considered. As MB spoke Augustus began to feel a light, a burning sensation within, and the fear and doubt he had experienced before receded and fled. He was looking down at his feet for the last few minutes MB had been speaking and now Augustus looked up to tell him all the great things that spun and twisted warmly through his heart. But to no avail. MB was gone.

12 When Augustus woke the next morning, the first thing he did was call information to get the number of the Morris Asylum. He got the front desk and asked for his parents. He spoke to his mother, who was glad to hear from him, and asked her if it would be alright for him to come out for a visit. She was beside herself with joy and told Augustus that surprisingly enough there was nothing on their agenda for the day. They said their good-byes and Augustus bounded down the stairs and out to the bus stop. His mother was the first one he saw at the asylum. His father was not in sight. Looking at his mother as she sat on the porch on a chase lounge with a glass of lemonade and a magazine, Augustus considered how bizarre it was that in this world such positive, lively people were “put away.” “Hi dear. How are you?” “Good, mom.” He bent over and gave her a kiss. “Where’s dad?” “He’s down by the pond painting.” “Painting?”

Augustus couldn’t imagine his father painting. This was the same guy who had never picked up a paintbrush, instrument or anything remotely related to, as his father called it, the “artsy fartsy.” The same guy who sat in front of the TV on Sundays watching football and calling every player a “mommies-boy” or “sissy” who didn’t try to end another player’s life with a blinding hit. The same guy who wanted to eliminate fine arts from high school curriculums to save money for more important things, like a larger football stadium at Augustus’ high school. “It’s terrible,” he said once, “you can’t enjoy the blood after a good hit. Need more fans. More noise. I’ll tell ya, nothing like the crisp crack of a femur on a fall afternoon, boy.” “Sure, it’s been his favorite way to relax for years,” said his mother. “Are you alright? You’ve been a little distracted these last couple of visits, honey.”

Augustus looked at his mother and thought, confusion has a tendency to do that.

“Nothing important, mom, just a science project I’ve been working on.”

His mom smiled and tweaked his cheek.

81

“Oh, my little man of projects.” This made Augustus blush. “Well, let’s go down and see what masterpiece your father has concocted today.” She grabbed Augustus’ hand and walked down to the brook.

When they got there his father was sitting with his back to them. Looking at the painting over his father’s shoulder, Augustus took note of the brilliant colors and graceful, flowing lines. He was sure it was something that could be shown at any museum of art. He couldn’t believe that the sensitivity displayed in this painting came from the same man who once winged a bag of golf clubs at his head and said, “Your little friend Laura is more of a man than you!”

He heard the approaching steps and turned around to greet his admirers.

“Well, hello there. How long have you two been planning an attack, eh?”

Augustus’ dad put his head down and looked around like there were still others that may bust in on him at any moment.

“Want to appropriate my masterpiece and offer it to the highest bidder, do ya? Well, ya ain’t gonna take me or my painting alive.”

He sprung from his stool and began waving the paintbrush at Augustus and his mother like he was d’Artagnan protecting a lady in waiting from a scorned lover.

Of course, some of the attendants saw this and came flying over to remedy a potentially dangerous situation. They were on Augustus’ father quickly, wrestling the dangerous weapon from his hand. Augustus’ mom put her hand to her mouth and tittered.

“Don’t worry. Don’t worry gentlemen. I was only playing,” said Augustus’ father.

The attendants glanced at each other with confused looks. “What? You’ve never seen a person at play?” said Augustus’

dad. “Well, I’m truly sorry for you boys. You must have had the most uneventful and sad childhoods.” This made Augustus’ mother titter again. “I’ll tell ya what, though. You come by someday and we’ll play. Ever play blind man’s bluff or Marco Polo? Me and the misses still play that one in the bath.”

“Stop, dear, you’re embarrassing me,” blushed Augustus’ mom. Without a word, the attendants let their captive go and returned

to policing the dangerous happy people.

82

“Well, son, what do you think of my masterpiece? I call it, A Painting by Some Crazy Old Guy of a Brook at an Asylum.”

This made Augustus’ mother titter once again. “To tell you the truth, dad, I’ve never seen anything so well

done existing outside a museum of art,” Augustus said with a shy grin. “Of course, that comes from a pure amateur.”

“I’ll tell ya, honey, we ought to have him around more often. You can be our boy-joy elixir mixer.” Augustus looked at him questioningly. “Sure, don’t think I’ve listened to all those Fat Frame Junk Jams and Boy Chunky Funk recordings for nothing,” he said while spinning on his heels and shaking about. He finished up by dancing around Augustus as his legs performed funkified fluctuations between straight and get down akimbo. When he stopped he punched Augustus on the arm and gave him an expansive hug.

Augustus smiled, but quickly lost it. “Dad?” Augustus said with some concern, “hypothetically

speaking, if we were able to ... like, travel to another dimension where having a positive attitude was appreciated, do you think you would stay the same as you are now?” His father looked at him with an inquisitive smile. “Well, I don’t mean you specifically, but . . . I know it sounds kind of stupid, but I guess what I’m trying to ask is more scientifically based than anything else. I guess what I’m saying is, if there were another dimension where a positive attitude was desired over that of a negative one, do you think that the attitude of the people coming from the negative dimension would change? Even if it were positive?”

Augustus’ father tilted his head back and considered the question.

“Like, what would happen to your mom and I if we traveled to this positive dimension?”

Augustus gulped and said, “Yeah.” “You know, son, I believe so. I believe so, and I’ll give you my

reasoning in a moment; however, the question must be asked, what happens to the person in the positive dimension when the person from the negative dimension arrives? Do these two combine and the opposing attitudes cancel each other out, resulting in a void? Or does the positive reign as the negative is vanquished? The answer is forthcoming. Let me explain. I assume these people in the positive dimension, if you are talking about your mother and I, are of the negative mindset, since one positive mindset precludes having another

83

positive mindset existing within a single history. Of course, this logic is based on the fact that you are advocating the alternative histories hypothesis of Feynman’s quantum theory as a sum over histories, over that of the consistent history hypothesis.”

“Right,” said Augustus. “It then follows that there can be only one alternative history,

because of the existence of paired particles/antiparticles in empty space. Those through which one would have to pass in order to time travel—or travel to another dimension—that influence and dictate the existence of complete time/space systems that exist only in opposing pairs.”

“Exactly,” said Augustus. “Well, let me give you my reasoning as to why the positive

attitude of people coming from the negative dimension would annihilate the negative mindset of people in the positive dimension. Have we got that so far?” He looked at Augustus and his mother who nodded in the affirmative.

“There are basic laws that govern the universe, correct?” Nodding. “And we know that these physical laws, I’m talking about the

limited known laws, are well ordered and have been born out and made evident by the great physicists. Einstein, through observation of these limited laws, stated that because of the abundance of order that reigns in the universe, a supreme intelligence must exist. With me so far?”

Nodding. “It would then follow that this supreme intelligence is

omniscient and omnipotent, or divine—for the complexity of the laws require sentient intelligence to design, implement, and maintain—and being divine would desire the higher ideal of order preservation and perpetuation. The physical laws of the universe, as we know them, are self-preserving. There is a certain amount of destructive force that exists; however, overall, the force that dominates is that which preserves, or the positive force which is of superior intelligence and energy to that of the cumbersome and confused chaos of the negative. And it has been deemed true and necessary that without a supreme unwavering, regulating influence of superior intelligence and design, matter would not form the planets and stars, you and me.”

“These positive, preserving forces exist in the physical as well as the spiritual or human realm, which I will now shift to. In this realm,

84

the negative or destructive force exists as well; however, it is utilized as a refining force, one that bears down on the unhealthy, weeding the chaff from the healthy. The negative may rule and dominate for a time (as we’ve seen in the conquests of the Roman Caesars, British monarchs, Spanish conquistadors, imperial Britain, European communism); however, it is not given power enough to reign over the good indefinitely. It only dominates long enough to refine the good and teach it of its erroneous ways. And this is why true good has patience. It knows these things and waits for the negative to play out, so that it can be happy and productive again, all the time using the negative for its own ends to strengthen itself in understanding, compassion, patience, tolerance, so on and so on. Those things that the dominant, well ordered forces of the universe are founded on.”

“Now, some may say that evil is evil and it has nothing to do with the refining of the good. This, of course, is a limited temporal perspective. If we look at the larger picture, we can see why certain peoples are subjugated or why the failure of the fathers is passed onto the sons and onto their sons and so forth. Divine vision is one of the eternal and not of the shortsighted temporal.”

“These positive things are the foundation to a self-sustaining, strong and enduring universe. Therefore, as the positive person from the negative dimension encounters its negative counterpart in the positive dimension, the positive will annihilate the negative. And time is of no concern, for the positive is of superior patience, intelligence, and understanding. In the end it will reign.”

“The philosopher Diogenes said, as he sat naked in a tub in the desert staring up at Alexander the Great, whom he just told to move for he was blocking the sun: ‘I know who you are, but I tell you to move without trepidation, for an honest man has no fear.’ Alexander was so impressed with this response that he told Diogenes he would give him anything he desired. Diogenes said, “I desire you to move for you are blocking the sun.’ This is why the positive, the good, the truthful is destined to reign. Its power is magnificent and eternal.”

Augustus’ mother applauded and then spread her arms wide, giving her cerebral mate an invitation to a highly pressurized confirmation. She hugged him.

“Oh, my, you and Augustus are my little men of ideas,” she said tweaking her husband’s cheek.

“Thank you dear. You are so kind.”

85

“Dad, I couldn’t have said it better myself. That was brilliant.” “Thanks son.” “And I want to thank you for helping me with this problem.

You don’t know how much I’ve been puzzling over it.” “Is this problem one that was posed by your science teacher?”

asked Augustus’ father. “Ah ... yeah. It was. Not that there is a right answer ... of course.

But he just wanted us to think it through to a valid and logical conclusion,” Augustus sweated forth.

“Well, I hope I get some credit for your grade. It could help my overall cum. in the school of life.”

“Oh, sure, dad. I’ll make sure you get credit. My teacher would know I didn’t come up with such a brilliant theory on my own, anyway.”

“Come now, Augustus. You’re pulling my leg. You have one of the greatest young minds I’ve ever encountered, and I’m not just saying that because you’re my handsome and brilliant son.” He grabbed Augustus around the shoulders and gave him a heavy-duty hug.

“Thanks, dad,” Augustus said blushing. “So,” said Augustus’ mother, “what shall we do? Is anyone

hungry?” “I am,” said Augustus. “I didn’t have any breakfast.” “Well,” said Augustus’ dad, “we shall remedy the situation with

some brunch at the commissary here at the friendly confines of Morris Asylum. Right this way, gentlefolk.” As he spoke he waved his hand, gesturing towards the walkway to the main building.

As they walked, Augustus realized that with his parents being so open this would be the only time he would be able to talk to them about things that he only dreamed talking about when he was living with their counterparts in the original dimension. He often had seen other families together laughing and hugging. He had even been told by some of his friends at school that they actually looked forward to spending time with their parents because they had so much fun. Until now, Augustus felt they were coerced into saying so by threatening parents and if his friends didn’t comply there would be dire consequences. Maybe something like no homework for a week and television eight hours a day. Well, Augustus felt this would encroach upon a good time.

86

Augustus was reminded of a time he was invited to church by a friend who called him an “investigator,” like some alligator with trench coat and spyglass. He was listening to a congregant give a talk about working with his son one weekend around the house. The father was painting his son’s bedroom when his son, who was only nine years old, asked if he could help. The father told him it was all right but decided he would paint over any mistakes that his son was bound to make, and as he did so he had a thought. He wondered what was more important, the paint job or the feeling of self-worth his son was developing by helping his father paint. He decided that the paint job was the one that would suffer, and he stopped touching up after his son and concentrated on the joy of watching him grow in self-esteem.

This made a profound impression on Augustus, for he knew that his father would have browbeat him for even the slightest mistake. But not this father who walked beside him now. This father whose presence he desired more than anything in the world.

“Here we are. What shall it be, my son? We have before us the most elaborate selection of food this side of sanity,” Augustus’ father said as he crossed his eyes, waggled his head and scratched his sides like a chimpanzee.

“Honey!” said Augustus’ mom. “They’re going to think we’re crazy.”

“A little too late for that, my love,” Augustus’ father said as he squeezed his roommate.

Everyone grabbed a plate and a selection of food and moved to a table out on the porch. An umbrella with large swirling yellow and white swatches sat atop it. The porch overlooked the expansive and well-kept grounds of the asylum. Out on the lawn, Augustus saw people playing croquet, horseshoes, tennis and the like. If this was an asylum, he felt it might be worth being nice, not only for the accommodations but so that he could spend more time with his parents.

“Dad? If this place is so paradisiacal, isn’t it like they’re saying it’s OK to be nice or crazy or to run counter to the norm?”

“Well, son, the philosophy, or should I say the psychology, is to put people who suffer from chaffaphobia, or fear of unpleasantness, in surroundings that will motivate them to heights of euphoria. Then once they have maximized their euphoria the belief is that the person will break down and revert to ground zero, or back to acceptable social

87

behavior. It’s kind of like ancient blood letting, where the idea was to purge the system of contaminants.”

“But you’re perfectly sane, and you and mom aren’t going to reach a maximum state of “euphoria” and then revert to acceptable behavior because your norm is not theirs.”

“That’s true. We are quite the rebels, aren’t we dear?” Augustus’ dad said to his partner in crime.

“That’s right, dear, and I hope we’re able to break the laws well into retirement so that we can enjoy our little piece of asylum heaven,” said Augustus’ mom. “But the point is that we’ve spent most of our lives in a lie, and we just don’t have the strength to keep it going anymore. Besides, this is better than any retirement we could have mustered, and it’s free.”

“But isn’t it going to eventually end? Aren’t they expecting you to euphoriaphize within some reasonable time frame? And then what?”

“Son,” said Augustus’ dad, “some cases have been known to last fifty years. That’s about how long we’ve been on this planet. Believe me, son, we’re set for life.”

“But don’t you want to get out on occasion? Aren’t you tired of always being stuck behind these walls?”

“Well, to tell you the truth, my entire world exists right here,” Augustus’ father said as he squeezed his spouse. “There’s nothing else I’m in need of. We’ve been all over the world, seen everything we’ve needed to see, and done all we’ve needed to do. Besides, all I desire now is to paint, write and be with your mom. I’m doing it all, so it doesn’t matter that I’m not getting out that much.”

“So, you do get out.” “Sure, sometimes they have trips here and there to museums

and what not, but your mother and I also have a way of departing via less conventional means.”

“What do you mean?” “Well, Augustus, on occasion your father and I exit the grounds

for a little moonlight activity.” “You bet ‘cha. The missus and I get out for an occasional night

on the town. We have our needs, you know.” “But won’t you get caught?” “No chance. We practically own this town,” Augustus’ father

said mimicking the speech of a cowboy. “We’ve got friends in high places, and let’s leave it at that.”

88

Augustus cocked a smile and shook his head in appreciation of their ingenuity and energy.

“Can I ask you guys a question?” “Sure, Augustuo,” said his father. “When I was growing up, we had a lot of good times, didn’t

we?” “Sure did, buddy.” “So what were some of your favorites?” Augustus turned to his

mother “Mom?” “Well, what I can remember as being my favorites didn’t

involve any extravagant trips or outlays of money. My favorite times were the more simple times, like when your father and I would sit down with you to tell you stories. You especially liked the ones your father made up.” She turned to Augustus’ father and smiled. “Then there were the times you came to me for comfort after you had injured yourself or someone at school had been rude and hurt your feelings. We’ve always been a family that didn’t care much for maliciousness, but it’s kind of difficult to express such feelings when it’s so unacceptable.”

“So has it always been this way? Where people expect each other to be rude? Was there ever a time when kindness was good?” asked Augustus.

“If I remember my history correctly,” said Augustus’ father, “all the credit goes back to a fifth century English game call Hitananny. Where any available nanny was used as the target of choice.”

“What would they do? Would they actually hit her? Was that part of the game?” said Augustus.

“No, they didn’t hit her with their hands, they used their tongues. A hit was considered good if you came up with something rude to say to her. And the ruder it was the more points you received. The object of the game was to make her so upset that she turned tail and never desired to nurture again. Of course, in recent years with the rise to nearly eighty percent of the women nationwide participating in the workforce, nannies have been in high demand. Nannies, almost literally, became the sole source of nurturing or lack of nurturing, and this lack eventually spread and is considered the main reason rudeness reigns today.”

“That’s crazy,” said Augustus.

89

“Say that too loud and you’ll be in here with us,” said Augustus’ mother.

“It’s a theory that’s never been proven conclusive. However, its origin is said to be sometime in the fifth century. No one’s sure where it started, but rudeness has grown to a worldwide, trans-cultural phenomenon. It took quite some time to develop, but by now, as you known, it’s filtered into every aspect of life.”

As Augustus’ father completed his thoughts, an attendant came over and informed them that visitation hours were over.

“Well, my son, it was great seeing you, and I hope you’re able to come by again soon.”

“Yes, dear,” said Augustus’ mom as she placed her hands on his cheeks and gave him a kiss. “Don’t be a stranger.”

“I won’t. I’ll give you a call later in the week, and we’ll get together then.”

“All right, dear. You take care,” said Augustus’ mom. “Yes, son, and if you need any more help with your science

project just drop me a line. Love you.” Augustus returned his love and walked towards the exit of the

commissary, and before going through the door he turned and waved. As he did so he realized there weren’t two people in this world he desired to be with more. He stepped through the doorway on shaky legs, powered by a sputtering and vacuous heart.

As Augustus rode the bus home he was deep in blissful reverie, when out of nowhere the word Hitananny flashed amongst thoughts of his parents for some jarring and rude reason. As it did so, a strange and cold sensation began to form at the pit of his stomach and shortly began working its ominous way into his chest and shivering shoulders. It sat there and mocked any healthy, safe and happy thoughts he was having.

It kind of went, ‘Mock! Mock! Mock! Mock!’ Yeah, kind of like that, but it sounded more angry, like a rooster that had to leave the friendly confines of his happy hen-harem an hour earlier now because daylight savings time was done saving some ... well, daylight. And this cock-a-doodle-doer was one ferocious dandered up fella. It was hotter than one particular tin roof that a cat was on. It was madder than a well-known hatter. It was miffed, huffy and bombastic fantastic. There was no getting around it. There was going to be no ignoring it.

90

Hitananny. Hitananny. Hitananny. Augustus’ mind pounded with pondering. HITANANNY. HITANANNY. HITANANNY. Fifth century. Hitananny.

HOOTENANNY! “They just got it wrong! My Lord! I’M RESPONSIBLE FOR

ALL THIS!” Sorry, can’t tell ya much more because the main character of

this story just passed out. Goodnight Augustus. “Merf mumph,” drool, “gloffenndoffemervenbreven.” THUD!

13

Augustus was at a Lakers game in LA. He wasn’t sure when the game was taking place, but just like the dream about his name appearing in lights, once again he was the center of attention. There were celebrities and hangers-on all about. Jack was there, Madonna, Spike (even though the Knicks weren’t playing), all the known-by-one-namers. The music was blasting. His head was pounding. The cheerleaders were cheering. On each arm was a beautiful woman, both of whom he had never seen before. As one of the women busied herself fawning over Augustus she kept calling him Youngman. It must have been some nickname he had picked up on his way to fame and fortune. She kept saying, “Youngman, you’re alright. Youngman, you’re all right. Youngman ...” “Young man, are you alright?” Augustus woke with a start. He lifted his head and looked in the direction of the voice and didn’t see a young starlet but a woman in her sixties. “Well, I thought we had lost you. You hit your head pretty hard there,” she said. And as she treated him with kindness the others in the bus looked at her suspiciously. “I’m alright. Thank you.” As Augustus’ head cleared he realized he had no idea how long he had been unconscious. “What town are we in? Have we gone past Shelton’s?” “Not yet. Are you going to be alright?” said the woman.

“Yes, I feel fine. Thank you.” “Well, I better get back to my seat before these people decide it’s time to put me away,” said the woman, as she made her way back.

A short while later, Augustus arrived at his stop still groggy, but only a little worse for wear, yet certainly way too groggy to think about how hootenanny ever became hitananny. Somehow the word was misinterpreted and became hitananny. And somehow people thought that this should become a game, and this game took on way too much importance in the alternate dimension, and and and ... Well, you don’t need to know the specifics, do you? No. To make a long story short, things just got nasty and nannies lost their touch ... errr, ability to ... nanny. You know. Story.

Upon reaching home, it dawned on Augustus that he hadn’t seen his Aunt Rose for some time. Instead of going through the back door this time he went through the front.

92

“Hello.” No one answered. He looked around the house and didn’t see

any sign of her, except for a coffee cup on the kitchen table. Well, he had more pressing matters to attend to at the moment. He went up to his room and decided he needed some omniscient assistance. MB was the only person or being that could help. But the problem was, could he summon MB? His other appearances came without prompting. And even if MB were willing to answer his call, how would Augustus go about placing it? Augustus did the only thing he could think of.

“MB!” he yelled. He waited. Nothing. He tried again and again. Nothing. He

varied his calling patterns; sometimes he waited several seconds, sometimes several minutes. He tried rapid-fire bursts. He tried slow and deliberate. He tried calling on his head. He tried calling on his bed. He could not reach MB, reader ma’am. He could not reach mysterious being man.

Augustus plopped down on his bed exasperated. “You don’t have to yell. I hate yelling.” Augustus leapt up facing the intruder in combat ready stance. “Oh, I see how it’s going to be. Put ‘em up. You temporals are so impatient. Come on dander boy, let’s mix it up,” MB said as he bounded about the room. Augustus relaxed and said, “Sorry, you scared me. I was expecting a great burst of light.” “Pyrotechnics? It’s basically for show if used after the first meeting. Feeds off your Hollywood sense of the dramatic, don’t ya know, but with you moderns and your microscopic attention spans we usually have to advertise just to show up on radar. And without the excessive light we’d be just another undetected blip on the screen of boundless activity. It took the guys in marketing years to come up with the blinding light. You know, in the old days before television, all we had to do was say ‘Hey,’ maybe a little shuffle ball change, we’re in. Anyway, what’s up blood?” “Well, there’s a new development.” “You mean the hootenanny controversy?” “You know?” “Sure”

93

“Well, what do I have to do? Do I have to create another rift in the time/space continuum and counter my mistake by flooding said dimension with negatively charged ions thereby creating a negative/negative environment, resulting in the desired negation of all negative dimensions leaving the positive outcome?” “What do you think this is, an Isaac Asimov novel? The guy writing this story couldn’t find a corner to paint himself into. Relax, it’s no big deal. All you have to do is go back in time a few minutes prior to meeting the fifth century family, don’t say the word hootenanny and continue on as if nothing ever happened.” “That’s it?” “Easy as that. You just walk by ‘em, maybe a wave and a nod, no hootenanny, presto ... the world is right again. Back to uno dimension.” “If it was that easy, why didn’t you just tell me when I first got to this dimension?” “That’s like saying, if you knew I was going to die, why did you give me life in the first place? Why do you think you’re here? And I don’t mean just this dimension. Why do you think you’re alive?” “Well, I would assume to learn something.” “Correct. And what is learned varies from person to person, but generally it’s the same stuff. That’s why you’ve had this experience. It was strictly for your edification. Comprende?” “Yes, but what was the lesson?” “Ah, you see, it’s not that easy. It’s not second hand knowledge that sustains and transforms but knowledge earned by first hand experience. Nothing can take the place of experience. And answers don’t come right away, but if you work at them—and that’s part of the reason you’re here, to learn how to work and be responsible—then you will be rewarded and blessed with insight. And not only that, but you’ll be a happier person because you worked it out by yourself. Of course, you may need an occasional hint or tidbit of info to bump you out of a quandary rut, but in general you’re on your own. That’s part of freedom. You can’t expect to be a free agent unto yourself without putting forth some effort.” “I could answer your question, all your questions, but it would defeat an ingenious device. As you acquire knowledge and build your experience database, the best way to grow as a spiritually based being is by using your gift of reflection and contemplation, or prayer—and

94

prayer isn’t just on your knees at night, it’s whenever you contemplate personal betterment—and work out in your mind, with the aid of your acquired experience, what you should do. This is what it’s all about, really.” “I see,” said Augustus. “So I use the knowledge I’ve acquired from personal experience and utilize that experience database to infer solutions to problems encountered in new solutions. And as I acquire more and more experience / knowledge, I am able to create bridges more rapidly between problem and solution.” “You’ve got it. Well, if you don’t mind, I’ve got to go.” With considerable trepidation Augustus said, “But ... how do I get back to the fifth century, and what about my parents here? Can I somehow transfer their positive mindsets to my parents in the original dimension?” “Too many questions, Luke. You must trust in the force. Go within yourself Grasshopper and you will find the answers.” In offstage whisper. “Let’s see, what else is there? Oh yeah!” Normal volume. “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.” As vestiges of MB faded he was heard to say “Don’t forget, Augustus, keep the faith.” Then in a most St. Nicholasy voice, “And to all the good children, all a good night.”

And he was gone. Augustus sat on his bed deep in thought. He knew that he had to get back to the original dimension, so it was time for the continuing adventures of time travel and the misspent youth of his friend Blackie the hole. Not that black holes are young—they’re actually old stars that have collapsed—but young in the sense of a new form, like the butterfly. Old but new. Got it? Good.

Now, it had appeared whenever it was necessary for him to be transported, so why shouldn’t it do so again? He decided he would just trust in what MB said and wait for his transportation. As for his parents, he knew that he desired nothing more than to be with the version that existed in this dimension, and as he thought this a feeling came over him that he hadn’t experienced before. Deep inside—somewhere amongst the festering weed encrusted, creepy crawling ivy of discontent that pummeled potential happiness—grew a small and quiet burning. It wasn’t a singeing burn, but a warm and comforting one. At first it didn’t say much, just kind of a hesitant, wee-little “h-h-h-h-hi.” But as Augustus focused on it, it grew. He liked this feeling

95

and curled up in bed with it and absconded any and all hurries and worries, anything that tapped Augustus on the shoulder and said, “Me! Me! Me! Think about me! I’ll get that stomach in a knot. I can do it! I can do it!” All vexations. He merely opened the exit door and said “Thank you for coming. Exit’s to your left. Safe ride home. Door’s on your backside.” And as simple as that they were gone. And he was asleep. And dreams anticipated his arrival with open, nurturing, adventuresome arms.

14 Now, you know what it’s like as you sit on the cusp of reality and dreamland, yes? It’s when you’re dreaming about having to go to the bathroom real bad while getting a manicure, and just as you’re thinking this you vaguely become aware of your brother sitting next to you on the bed holding your hand in a bucket of water. Yeah! That’s the place I’m talking about. Augustus was there. He was in the middle of traipsing through a supermodel, cheerleader, celebrity babe-a-thon when he got the distinct impression that outside there was a storm of preposterous dimensions making a humongous distraction. He couldn’t believe that he was shortly going to be taken from his blissful dream. He couldn’t believe that something in that unwanted, bland and euphoria smashing outside world was demanding his attention. As he moved out of dreamland and more and more into reality he realized that the sound he heard was familiar. Quite familiar. And as his eyes lazily rolled open he became aware that his room was shaking with considerable force. It could mean only one thing. Blackie was back. He snapped the covers off his bed and ran to the closet, and, sure enough, there it was. Not that he could see anything, since the closet was pitch black and the black hole only added to the blackness, but he knew. Even if the room had not been shaking, Augustus felt he could feel the black hole’s presence. It was as if he was now creating a bond with it. Even though it challenged the adhering properties of flesh and bone upon departure, Augustus knew that without it he had no chance of setting the world right, especially when it came to bringing the mom and dad of this dimension back with him to his home dimension. However, something was different about this appearance. Even though the room was shaking and there was considerable noise, it seemed as if the black hole was more contained than it had been—especially considering its first visit. Was it actually gaining respect and curbing its destructive powers? Augustus wasn’t sure about the respect part, but he knew that this time the black hole was sitting in the back of his closet more like a cabby waiting for a fare than an unbridled, chaotic, collapsing star. Anyway, enough thinking. Augustus quickly got dressed, boarded his buddy and shortly was on his way. He didn’t mind the ride,

97

but, once again, he thought ahead to the departure and was filled with images of impending cuts, scrapes and bruises. Speaking his thoughts out loud, Augustus said, “You know, I don’t mind the noise and the shaking, and I do appreciate not being torn to pieces by the infinite density of the event horizon and all that, but I just wish the landings were a little more humane.” “You need only to request as such.” This sent Augustus scurrying for the exit, or a way out, or to get away. Someway of escape. Of course, he had nowhere to go. The seating compartment was rather small. In his effort to escape, he merely banged off one dead end after another until the futility of it all became obvious. Kind of like that pet fish you have that bounces off the walls of the six by six by four inch container you have to put him in until you’ve finished cleaning the fish tank water, and he finally flops to a relatively motionless state of ‘I’m done’ and gets the idea that he ain’t goin’ nowhere. Augustus was ready to speak now. “Who’s that?” Good question, don’t you think? Considering the circumstances. “Mass you sit within.” Good answer. Grammar’s a little shaky, but it’s a black hole not an English professor. Augustus quickly looked up and down, left and right, and all about the mass that surrounded him. Don’t we do the stupidest things when we’re scared and confronted by the unknown? “You? The black hole?” And say the stupidest things. “Yes, a label employed by your scientists. I prefer Fudge.” “Fudge?” “Yes. I have pondered the stars and numerous objects I have consumed over time. I have taken much within, that which will be released in its essential elements upon my demise; however, I have done little with my existence other than destroy. I have never felt other than massive, swirling energy; subtlety has eluded me, and this is why I desire to have taste.” “I don’t think you mean taste as in the olfactory.” “I was instructed by a being such as yourself that an entity transforms by having taste.”

98

“Don’t get me wrong,” said Augustus, “if I were to have a particular taste, I’d prefer fudge, nothing’s tastier, but I think what you’re talking about is discrimination or the state of being cultured.” “I have consumed many cultures throughout time. They are no different from hydrogen based masses.” “By culture, I mean art, philosophy, literature ... never mind. There are more important things than taste.” “What are they?” “Well ... love. It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever felt—subtle or not,” said Augustus. “Love? I have consumed that.” “Consumed it?” “Yes. It is an overpowering attraction towards another object, is it not?” “That is one aspect of love.” “I have felt this when a large mass has been within my gravitational field. Stars six times the mass of your sun I have consumed in a spiral dance.” “Well, that’s not the same thing. Love can be an attraction, but it’s more about giving of the self than consuming.” “Others have loved me. They have given themselves completely to me.” “Ah, not the same thing. Love is really about turning off that little voice in your head that keeps saying me, myself, and mine and instead you make it say you, yours and thine. Pretty neat, huh?” “Meaning is not clear.” “You’ll see, Fudge. It’ll take some time. So let me ask you something. “Yes.” “You’re a black hole and all, and as you said you’ve consumed quite a bit, so why not me? Not that I’m giving you any suggestions.” “There is no answer.” “Well, maybe you can tell me what led up to this desire to preserve me. Did someone or something tell you to do so?”

“Yes.” “Who?” “There is no answer.” Augustus dropped his head and sighed.

99

“Well, let’s start at the beginning. What was it like growing up, or, should I say, expanding?” “It was all very heady ...” Augustus tittered. “Is something amiss?” “Well, you said heady. I just thought it sounded funny coming from a black hole.” “Fudge.” “Fudge,” said Augustus. “Heady, as pertaining to violent, as was the beginning.” There was an extended pause. “I’m sorry. Go ahead,” Augustus said sheepishly. “I formed as a typical star, gasses collapsing. My mass was above the Chandrasekhar limit. I was destined for greatness.” “A leader or something,” Augustus chimed in. “Molecular density. I ultimately obtained over 30 solar masses. I was of a mass the universe had not experienced. I generated great quantities of heat and light. All shivered in my presence.” “I think that was due to the serious gravitational force such a humongous mass would generate. Such pull would make any mass vibrate or shake and shiver, if you know what I mean,” said Augustus. Silence. More silence.

Extended silence. Nervously, Augustus said, “Go ahead.” “I was superior to all. There were none who could molest or make afraid. Yet, as time passed being as such did not transform. As I have moved into myself I have experienced others much greater.” “You’ve been humbled.” Pause. Long pause. “Sorry.” “Over time recently passed, a being has communicated a need for appropriation of my energy, that which enables accelerated movement amongst times passage.” “Time travel,” intoned Augustus. Long pause. “Sorry. Last time.”

100

“I have done as required. There is that which now moves within, a different light.” “That’s it!” squeaked Augustus. “That’s what I was talking about. A giving of self over that of one’s own desires.” “This is the love you speak of?”

“Yes.” “It is of a positive flavor,” Fudge rumbled. “Yes, yes, yes it is. Let me ask you something. What did this being look like, by the way? Was he full of light? Emitting considerably more light than the other humans you’ve encountered?” “Yes.” “No doubt,” Augustus said under his breath. “Your response?” “Oh, nothing. It’s just that I know who the being is. He’s a personal friend of mine.” Augustus thought about this for a moment and then said, “So, where are we heading?” “There is no answer.” “Well, who cares. Things have worked out so far. I guess I’m just along for the ride. Oh, just one thing more. When we are done traveling and I must depart, could you be a little more gentle when releasing me. I’d appreciate it.” “Gentle?” “At the point of departure, when I am no longer within your mass, I hit the ground with too much force. I would like you to decrease the force, as well as make sure the matter I land on has the lowest possible density.” “You desire not to be damaged.” “Yes! Not damaged. That’s it!” “Energy outlay to accomplish will be minimal.” “You mean it will be easy.” “Easy.” “Easy,” repeated Augustus. Just as Augustus finished forming the word an opening in Fudge appeared. The black hole was hovering quietly and safely several feet above the ground waiting for Augustus’ departure. “Just curious,” said Augustus looking at the ground as it lay harmlessly beneath him. “Why didn’t you release me like this before?” “Not necessary.”

101

“Why?” “There was no request.” Augustus merely raised his eyebrows and stepped out. “Well, on the ride home I’d like to ...” Augustus turned around, but when he looked behind him Fudge was gone. “I guess he’s not up on social graces.” Augustus looked about and noticed he was on the same road where he had met the fifth century family that started all the multi-dimensional trouble. Looking up the road, he spotted them a couple hundred yards away walking in his direction. As he walked toward them Augustus was aware that he would soon be rid of one problem, that of eliminating an alternate history; however, in getting rid of one problem he still had another, which was just as serious as the first, if not more so. How was he ever going to bring his parents from the alternate history back to the original or one he had come from? He didn’t think he could live without them, never mind live with his uncaring parents. After seeing what it was like to have real loving and fun parents, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to seal off the alternate dimension. As Augustus pondered this, the family moved to within one hundred yards. He next considered the fact that negativity reigned in the alternative universe. This was not something he wanted to deal with nor did he want to keep it in existence. Why did things always have to be so complicated? Augustus then thought about how he had felt lately. All that he had learned from Bebe and Diatha and even MB was having considerable impact on him. He was starting to see the bigger picture more clearly. Somehow this was giving him a sense of calm, and he was feeling a lot more focused. And, as odd as it may seem, the thing that stuck in his mind most of all was MB’s trite phrase “keep the faith.” As he pondered all this, it dawned on him that maybe just knowing what he wanted now was more important than the physical machinations of making it so, or worrying too much about forcing it to happen. As the family closed within thirty yards Augustus decided he would ‘keep the faith,’ that he would trust in his just desires and the concept of faith and its unseen world. Augustus felt that there was something to this believing without seeing to this confidence that good

102

will happen because you believe it will and because you have lived a just life. He also made up his mind that if he couldn’t deal with the hand he had been dealt, meaning his parents in the original dimension, then he would be avoiding reality. And in doing so he would be copping out on taking responsibility for what was happening to him. He decided that it was more important to work with what he had and improve it with his own effort and ingenuity than it was to avoid it all by taking the easy way out. Besides, he thought, there must be a reason we are given the one life we have and not the anomalous choice to go from one dimension to another until we find something that suits our needs. It was probably the same reason most girls said no when they were asked out. It was all of the same karma, he thought. HEY! HEY! He said KARMA! Where are you, reader ma’am? There you are. OK. Remember what we talked about? How you need to tell him something of importance is related to his falafel frustration? Now, get ready. I’m going to put you in. Remember, you’ve just got a couple lines. Very simple. Not an opportunity here to show your drama aptitude. This ain’t no theatrical resume opportunity. Head nodding. OK. Here we go.

The family was now only some fifty yards away. As Augustus contemplated possible outcomes and events, a loud rustling came from the bushes to his left. He turned and saw a young woman come out of the thicket dressed in a ground-length dress carrying a basket with an apron tied prominently about her waist. As he pondered this sight he received the impression that she was a nanny. A considerably glowing warmth leapt from his chest and greeted her good morning. She sensed this and perceptively said, “A heartfelt good morning to you, my good sir.” Augustus merely bowed and returned the warmth through smile and posture. As she walked by she said one more thing, “Falafel karma.” Quickly, Augustus looked up with surprise, turned and said ... Well, he didn’t say anything because the young lady was gone. Another dimension hopper, he said to himself.

103

Narrator winks at reader ma’am. Reader ma’am curtsies with warmth and grace. With that thought soundlessly stated, his mind presented another for consideration that took precedence. “Falafel karma.” She’s right, said his mind. She’s right, agreed the rest of Augustus. From head to toe he knew what she meant.

There certainly were some significant events connected to my falafel frustration. First, I was on my way to falafel satisfaction, then I happened upon those cheerleaders, who sent me home to my encounter with Fudge, which led me to Finn, which led me to Diatha and Bebe, which led me to the discovery of some great mission ahead of me.

Was that six? You count. I’m busy. Next time, I encountered the rude attendant, which led to my

encounter with my alternative dimension parents, which led to my much needed encounter with MB who told me that we humans learn best by firsthand experience, which led me to my dad giving me great insight into the positive nature of the universe, which led me to a second lecture from MB who told me how to get out of this dimension, which aided me in my understanding of our greater spiritual nature—the spirit supercedes the flesh.

That’s six. I counted them this time. Augusts was now deep in contemplation.

Sorry kids, this stuff’s too deep. Even us omnipresent narrators can’t go where he’s going. This is deep soul. Unavailable atman. Owner only territory. Sorry, form a line behind the rope. Step back. Keep your distance. Go home, people. Nothing here to see. Keep moving. Won’t help to ... OK, he’s ready. You can see this stuff. Augustus began to recall his vision from the sacred grove. He recalled the calf, eagle, man-beast and lion, all with six wings bejeweled with eyes. Augustus remembered something in regards to these beasts from the Bible. Where was it from? He pondered the lessons he had in his youth. He remembered the stories of Job, Noah and the Ark, Moses parting the seas, but that was the Old Testament or Torah. He knew that these beasts were from the New Testament and that there was a dark, foreboding feeling connected to the story ... That’s it! Revelations. What was the significance of the beasts in Revelations? They were those about the throne of God who worshiped Him. The rest of the chapter speaks of the end of the world, the final

104

judgment and how God’s elect would be saved and those who followed the beast or Satan would be destroyed. But what did this mean? How did this relate to Augustus? Actually, he didn’t have time to consider this any further. The family was now only yards away. As Augustus looked at them he thought about Bebe and Diatha and how much he missed them and felt a strong desire to be with them. They were the family he had never had.

Speaking of family, they had just walked by and bowed their heads as they said good morning. Augustus bowed and walked on without a word. Within seconds of passing them he vanished. The next thing he knew he was sitting upon the ground in a wooden grove. Augustus swung his head back and forth with a startled look on his face.

“How—how—what happened? How’d I get here? Where—where’s Fudge? How’d I ... Did I travel alone? I can’t travel without him, can I?”

“That’s obviously a rhetorical question.” Augustus looked up and saw his good friends. “Bebe! Diatha! Man it’s great to see you guys.” “It is of great pleasure seeing you again, Augustus,” said Diatha. “Yes, a great pleasure,” said Bebe. They hugged him warmly. Diatha was now in human form,

which prompted Augustus to say, “Diatha, you look great as a human. Not that you looked bad as a salmon, owl or boar; however,” he said, showing mock concern, “I’m not sure if I can forgive you for that bump on the rear end, Mr. McPoppin.”

“Well, I’m sure you’d prefer that over a play put on by an owl and chipmunk anytime,” Diatha winked.

Smiling warmly, Augustus said, “Well, all niceties aside, how did I transport without Fudge?”

“You have made great leaps in your knowledge and understanding of the universe,” said Diatha. “The reason for your not requiring Fudge to transport you is simple. At first one may need training wheels to ride a bike—as is said in your time—but after one has acquired balance the wheels are no longer necessary and are cast off. Just as a child who’s grown no longer depends on his parents.”

105

“So, I am able to transport myself through time now just because I’ve done it twice? I don’t understand. Neither do I understand the specifics of how I got here. I don’t remember making a request.”

“In your heart,” said Bebe, “you desired to be here. In your heart you have begun to believe more in the just coming to light, and by doing so you have pushed back the dark, allowing the light to shine where it was not able to do so before. You are in control of the dark, and the extent to which you decrease it is all within your power.”

Augustus bobbed his head in understanding and said, “Wow, I think I see the light.”

“That is a good thing,” said Bebe. Everyone chuckled. “So, you’re saying that the more I believe in good happening,

and the more I show commitment to that belief by my actions, the more I will be aided by the good or positive that resides within the universe.”

“That is correct,” said Bebe. “You know, I have noticed a change in my thinking lately. I

have felt a greater calm, and you’re right, I do feel it’s because I’m beginning to believe that which I desire to happen will happen and because that which I desire is just.”

“You have hit upon one of the basic tenets of the universe,” said Bebe. “The Tao speaks of it, the Hindu, Buddhist and Christian. I am talking harmonious and just actions of a positive, uplifting spirit that are essential for progression and reside within the universe waiting to be utilized to empower those that do so. If the negative dominates, ultimately it will destroy a well-ordered and purposeful universe. It is imperative for the sake of the universe that the positive reign. Actually, there is no choice. The positive is dominant by default.” “All the negative that is sent out,” Bebe continued, “feeds and increases the negative exponentially. I am mean to one person, that person is mean to three others, these three are each mean to three others, so on and so on. However, being positive or just towards someone follows the same principle. It is essential that the positive be promoted. And it will be so. There is no choice. There are those elected to feed its need, but if they do not do the job, others will fill their shoes, for the positive will be promoted—considerably above and beyond that of the negative.” “I understand,” said Augustus. “However, there is something I don’t understand. Now that I have sealed the rift in the space/time

106

continuum, and I have eliminated the opposing dimension, there is still the problem of my parents. The parents I met in the negative universe, or anti-universe, were not only the nicest, most interesting and fun loving people I’ve ever met but they were my parents. I understand that to return order to the universe it was necessary to seal the alternate dimension, but I am finding it difficult dealing with having met the prototype parents when I now have to go back and be with the original and wanting version. I know I should deal with what I’ve been handed. That’s great in theory but applying it to reality isn’t so easy.” “There is great personal growth to be found in dealing with adversity,” said Diatha. “No one has ever gained more by suffering less. It is a most interesting conundrum, that in order to gain in wisdom, understanding, compassion, patience, love, one must first encounter the difficulty of trials. As you have encountered these trials you have learned quickly the lessons inherent in them. You are fortunate, Augustus, for there are few that have been blessed with such a discerning and agile mind as yours. Most with this rare combination have gone on to be great men of thought and leaders in their chosen field.” “I don’t know,” said Augustus. “Everyone keeps telling me these things, but it seems the more I learn, the more I’m aware that I really don’t know much of anything.” “Fools and fanatics are forever sure of themselves and the wise full of doubt. You have great potential, Augustus. Don’t let your limitations keep you from serving your talents.” Augustus smiled softly. Putting his hand on Diatha’s shoulder he said, “Well, you’ll have to excuse me, but time travel really takes a lot out of me. I’m going to lie down for a while.” “That is fine,” said Bebe. “We will see you after you have rested.” “Yes, have a good rest, Augustus.” “Thank you, Diatha.” Augustus waved to his friends and walked into the nearest structure. He found a large feather bed, and as he shouldered his way into it he sunk softly into the fluffy mattress. Within minutes he was asleep.

15 When he woke, he stretched and cleared his head and stepped outside. What seemed like a short fifteen-minute nap to Augustus was actually a solid three hour snooze. It was a little overcast upon his arrival at Finn, but it was now bright and sunny. He looked around for Bebe and Diatha but didn’t see them anywhere. He thought nothing of it and decided to go down to the water to enjoy the beautiful weather. He walked to the water’s edge where he had met Diatha and leaned up against the tree from which he had thrown pebbles that first day at Finn. Gazing up at the brilliant sky he took a deep breath. It was blue, bluer than anything he had ever seen. Of course, all of Finn was beautiful beyond measure. Each time he stopped to ponder its beauty he was equally impressed, if not more so. The flowers, grass, and water were the most brilliant colors. Augustus felt this was because of the superior essence of life that existed here. Feeling relaxed and quite at ease, he put his head back on the tree and closed his eyes. Even though he wasn’t sure what was in store for the future, he decided he wasn’t going to worry, that he was just going to let things happen and he would rely on his “discerning” and “agile” mind to handle things as they arose. Well, they’ve arosen. Get on your thinking fedora and cerebral running shoes because the backside of slumber land is about to rock. Augustus wasn’t quite aware of it yet, so let’s allow him to have a few more winks. But there was something happening out on the little lake of Finn that was going to catch his attention. In a big way. You see boys and girls, when considering time travel and access to other dimensions, so far we’ve been dealing primarily with accessing said dimensions from earth, yes? (Good. I like participation.) Now, consider there is also the possibility of time travel on, say, Uranus, Jupiter, Mars or maybe even Pluto. Well, that’s kind of where I’m going but not exactly. I guess what I’m trying to say is ... to go where no man has gone before … to search out new worlds to discover new life to ... ahhhhhhhhh AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ahhhhhh ahhhhhh ahhhhhh ahhhhhhh. I’m a writer Jim not a composer. I think you get the picture.

You see, hovering over the little lake of Finn was something from very far away. Something very big. Huge. Enormous. Immense. Ponderous, prodigious, and precise. She’s a killer queen. Gunpowder.

108

Guillotine. Dynamite with a laser beam. Guaranteed to blow your mind. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it was Queen Ogaboom and her mighty warrior minions from many a galaxy removed, floating a couple hundred feet above the waters of Finn in their. . . ohhhhh, pretty good sized ship. The queen was no Munchkin herself. But that ship! This thing was big enough to give the moon a run for its money. Why even the mere size of it might improve moon’s disposition if it were feeling a little thick in the hips that day. I’d even say that the battle cruiser from Star Wars would be asking for structural supplements to keep up. I’m talkin’ big mama. It was hovering above Augustus now, and if he were to look up at this moment he would swear the entire observable sky was made of trellium diazide. But we know better than that, don’t we? Now, do you think we should wake him up, possibly give him a little warning so that he doesn’t ... “HOLY # $#!” Never mind. Augustus was up on his feet looking for some Handy Wipes because he was in a mess. Well, there was a mess somewhere. Just as he uttered his expletive deleted, the ship opened up a small portal on its undercarriage. And out of it stuck a little alien head with a big alien question. “Zevbez oggell dwoop,” it intoned. Augustus starred with jaws a flappin’. It tried again.

“¥ØÅ φعتتثجشД ὦὟὯЩ☻ζδ” (Or something to that effect. It’s been a while and I’ve forgotten the language. Don’t travel as much as I used to.) And then it made a series of clicks, clops, barks and pops, all kinds of weird sounds, as Augustus continued his poor impersonation of a human being. Finally it said, “Excuse me, good sir, do you know where Beta Bot is?” Seems the little fella was lost. Augustus said ... Well, I’m not even going to try and spell it for you. What he said was pretty inane, for his calm hadn’t quite caught up with his crazy. Hey, you’d be in the crazy-crack-up realm too if you just saw something that huge. Don’t tell me no. I’ve seen a fly buzzin’ your noggin send you freakin’. Don’t lie to me, Mr. and Mrs. Reader.

109

The alien went right back to his language device. He punched up page after page but couldn’t find what he had just heard or anything like it. At this point the queen appeared. She smacked the language device out of the little soldier’s hand and said, “He’s scared and he’s just talking gibberish. Don’t you know anything?” “Sorry, your Dishyness.” The queen pushed the soldier aside. “Young man. It is quite all right. We do have a rather large ship, and I know how impressive it is and ... Well, we promise not to rest it on your planet. We won’t be staying long. We are merely looking for someone who can aid us in getting to the desired galaxy. Do you know of anyone who can do so?” Augustus was overcoming his bout with space shock and was ready to make a statement that only a great ambassador for the planet earth could make when speaking for the first time to a highly evolved and intellectually superior creature from another planet. He spoke that which would make every human proud to be an earthling. He was stellar. He was an oratory genius. He said:

“I ... I ... I ... yeah.” There ya go Augusto!

“Quite well,” said the queen. “We shall be right down.” Not just the royal “we,” as in just she was coming right down. She also meant a couple of her crew would be attending her. They did the old Star Trek thing and beamed down into a mass of slowly re-adhering molecules.

Sorry for the lack of imagination, but creating this scene has really taxed the creative juices, and, besides, I’m not in the mood to come up with some unique form of transportation just to keep you people entertained. I’m just really sick ... Whoops! Sorry. It’s just that this Queen Ogaboom and company makes me nervous, or at least I’m feeling nervous for Augustus, aren’t you? Let’s get back to the story. “Hello, my name is Queen Ogaboom.” Waving her hand in the direction of her attendants, she said, “This is commander Hydrox and these are my foot guards Scholls and Desenex.” Sorry. “Nice to meet you,” Augustus said as they shook appendages.

110

Well, I guess it’s time for the obligatory alien description. They were actually quite attractive, as far as aliens go. It’s been a while but I still know a good-looking alien when I see one, or, in this case, four. Queen Ogaboom was the biggest of the bunch. But don’t get me wrong; she wasn’t big as in overweight. She was more like Xena-amazon-woman big. Meaning she was also quite a looker. Actually, her most remarkable quality was her beauty. She made her men look like they were of a different species in the looks department. Maybe like human or something unsightly like that. Her skin was fair; her facial features exotic. Her hair was blond; her eyes blue. She wore a beautiful blue and white gown that revealed her ample cleavage and marauding curves (which have plundered not a few galactic hearts, I’m sure). It clung to her like a five-year old to his mother his first day of school. The guards wore bright gold armor that was so formfitting it appeared as though they bore gold metallic skin. On their chests was a crest that resembled some type of griffin/dragon beast. They also carried weapons similar to Arabian knight swords, but thicker, with tips bearing holes that more than likely shot some type of ammunition. Don’t be surprised if it’s a beam or ray that could vaporize you in one short blast. “We have been traveling about your solar system for nano-seconds,” said the queen, “because the driver refused to stop and ask for directions. But maybe you can help us. We are looking for Beta Bot. Do you know of the system?” Not only was Augustus stunned by the fact that he was talking to a group of stray aliens, but he also had a tough time concentrating, for the queen’s beauty was beyond compare. Augustus decided that if you put all the super-models, cheerleaders and celebrity babes together and siphoned off their beauty, you would have that which stood before him. He was mesmerized. “I’m sorry. Did I not make myself clear?” asked the queen. “Ah ... er ... um ... No! No! You’re perfectly clear. I can’t help you, but I do know someone who might,” Augustus stammered forth. He tried to call Diatha and Bebe, but he had forgotten their names, and, not only that, he wasn’t even sure if they weren’t something he had conjured up from his imagination, for whatever reason.

Not to worry.

111

“Good day, Queen Ogaboom,” said the much more together voice. “I am Diatha.” “And I am Bebe. Welcome to Finn.” The queen bowed. “Good day and thank you. Finn is quite lovely.” Augustus stared at the queen like she might explode at any moment. Diatha diffused that bomb. “Thank you,” he said. “If I may inquire, what brings you to our planet?” “We have been traversing the solar system, for our planet has reached a social and spiritual impasse. Since the dawn of our civilization we have been lead by the Odyssie priests. And for years a select priest, or Augur, born of divine edict, has lead the people. Upon immanent demise of past Augurs, the surviving priests have made their selection for a new leader through extensive fasting and prayer. At this time our current Augur is near death. In searching for our next spiritual leader it has been revealed to the priests that he will not be of our home planet Doufear or of its solar system, that he will be of the solar system Beta Bot, and his potential is much beyond that of merely residing over one planet or galaxy as spiritual leader. This is why we desire to locate this system.” “I see,” said Bebe. “Diatha and I are men inspired by the divine. On this planet we are priests in our own right, working within the limited capacities with which we have been afforded. We have pondered the spiritual and metaphysical with sincere and searching hearts, as I am sure your priest’s have done so in kind. To be led by those in tune with such devotion is essential for any race. I am most receptive to your situation. Diatha and I, as I have mentioned, ponder things spiritual, and I am afraid our scientific leanings are minimal. However, our friend Augustus here is of exceptional talent and prudence in this area.” Augustus looked at Bebe like he had just told the world he wasn’t wearing pants. Augustus never considered himself anything but average when it came to science, but his father, and now Bebe, obviously saw something he didn’t. Considering that which he said next could affect an entire race he made a sincere effort to believe in what he had been told. “Well,” said Augustus, “I am not aware of the system you’ve labeled Beta Bot, but obviously that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. But

112

let me ask you something before I continue. How can a race with such superior intelligence not currently have scientists and astronomers who are able to locate this system you seek?”

“Yes, I understand your question,” said the queen. “I have not told you the whole story. Let me expound. We have lived as a civilized people for some eight thousand years, and in that time have steadily progressed in many aspects of life. However, our major downfall has been our warring nature. This is something we have not been able to fully overcome. Over the years we have moved through periods of prosperity and want. As my people adhere to the words of the Augur we prosper; however, our focus ultimately turns towards the material gain we have been blessed with because of our faithfulness. This in turn eventually results in an all-consuming desire for additional wealth, which results in the weakening of the Augur’s leadership and his eventual banishment, as well as that of his fellow priests. Without direct connection to the divine, which the Augur provides, we lose direction and flounder, spiritually and materially. Chaos eventually ensues, resulting in civil unrest and war, and due to plundering and the ravishes of war over time, we have also lost essential bits and pieces of valuable knowledge gained at the hands of our brightest minds.” “This is why we are at a loss in our effort to find Beta Bot. In recent years we have prospered because of our faithfulness; however, the previous period was one of unrest, and races from other warring planets destroyed knowledge gained by some of our greatest minds of science. Not only was this knowledge destroyed but nearly was our entire race—a plan for genocide nearly brought to fruition. Our warring neighbors were intent on decisive action in an attempt to make sure future generations were not privy to that which would be harmful to these outlanders—science was their target, not so much destruction of a people. Technologically, we were nearly bombed back to the age of solar robotrey.”

“Science and the knowledge gained is our Achilles heel, as it is for most advanced worlds. Scientists have attempted to piece together that which has been lost, but, as you know, only the great visionary can fully understand that which he’s seen. And once he is gone, without his brilliance, it is almost impossible to reconstruct that which has been destroyed. And even something as mundane as mapping the stars cannot be reconstructed without knowing where to look. We are not only at a loss in this area but other key technological and scientific

113

areas, as well. Fortunately, there are some discoveries, such as propulsion for space travel, that survived.”

Queen Ogaboom paused and looked intensely at Augustus. “Would you be willing to aid us in our effort to reconstruct the

star maps we desire, as well as aid us in acquiring the scientific knowledge our civilization so desperately needs?” Augustus froze, looking at Diatha and Bebe for help. “Augustus has great potential,” said Diatha, “not only as a man of science but his acumen for wisdom is strong as well.” Augustus’ knees buckled. “I have the utmost confidence in his ability to perform in both realms.” With even greater intensity, Queen Ogaboom looked at Augustus and said, “Then I must ask you, Augustus, if you would be willing to assist in our efforts to locate Beta Bot, and I’d like to extend you the offer to reside at Doufear for a time deemed appropriate by you and my scientists.” Augustus looked at Diatha and Bebe who only smiled in return. He was amazed that this queen, whom he had just met, would trust the navigation of her ship to a neophyte scientist. He hadn’t even taken freshman astronomy or any of the basic college science classes. Of course, he probably could teach them all, but that didn’t mean he could compete with a civilization whose science has been around for thousands of years more than that of earth’s. However, just the mere prospect of traveling through time and space, the sights and experiences he would have, were too great to resist. Even if he were found to be incompetent and put to death for uselessness, having the experience almost outweighed such a final sentence. Almost. “Your highness ...” “Call me Zebedee.” “Yes, ah ... Zebedee. I would be glad to attend you in your efforts to locate Beta Bot, as well as offer a hand anyway I can, but I am only a boy, and even though I’ve excelled in the field of science, I have much to learn.” “It was said by one of your wise men,” she said, “that fools and fanatics are sure of themselves while the wise are full of doubt.” Augustus looked at Diatha who winked in return. “Your knowledge may be limited due to your age; however, with such a probing mind as yours, whether it be of a scientist, artist, philosopher, or theologian, the greatest insights come to those who see the universe as it is, sans

114

egocentricity. Your Einstein, Feynman, Hawkins and others have been blessed with great insight; however, their greatest asset has been the ability to see the universe for what it is, looking to discovery over that of notoriety.” The queen saw Augustus’ questioning look and said, “We’ve known of your world for some time and have observed your transmissions on numerous occasions.” Smiling, Augustus said, “I thank you for your kind words. I can only tell you that I will do my best to serve you and ask that you expect nothing more.” “That is all I ask.” Looking more somber the queen said, “We have considerable work ahead of us; therefore, let us depart.” She turned to Diatha and Bebe and said, “It was good to make your acquaintance.” “Yes, the same, Queen Ogaboom. Safe travels,” said Diatha. He closed his eyes and bowed. “We would be honored to have you visit again. It was a pleasure meeting you,” said Bebe as he bowed to the queen. “Thank you,” said the queen, slightly tilting her head in acknowledgment. “Augustus,” said Diatha, “you are in our hearts, and when troubles arise may you seek comfort in that which connects us all and resides in her who is at the foundation of all existence.” “Thank you, Diatha.” “Yes, my son,” said Bebe. “Your journey being magnified has taken on considerable importance, not only for the queen and her people but in other ways as well, ways that will become clearer to you as you progress. Godspeed. You are always in our hearts.” “Thank you,” said Augustus. He embraced Bebe and Diatha and stood back. “You are the closest thing I have ever had to family, with the exception of my alternative dimension mom and dad, and I am grateful for all that you have taught me. It is invaluable.” He turned to the queen who motioned her company to move towards the ship for transportation. “Good bye,” said Augustus. “Good bye,” said Bebe. “Safe journey,” said Diatha.

The queen and company, along with Augustus, moved back, distancing themselves from Bebe and Diatha. Commander Hydrox

115

communicated to the ship that they were ready for transport and within moments the party was gone.

They materialized within the ship, and the first thing Augustus noticed was how bright it was inside. They were standing in what he assumed was the transportation dock, and right next to it was the engine room, which was full of activity. However, when the queen appeared all activity ceased, and her subjects paid their respects with bows and head gestures.

“If I may be so bold, your highness, what name are your people known by,” said Augustus.

“We are called Derivatians and come from the galaxy Trembling. It resides some twenty three million million miles from your galaxy.”

“To be able to travel through space so many light years from your planet, your understanding of the universe must be so much greater than ours.”

“Yes, your scientists have put the number of galaxies to be somewhere in the order of one hundred thousand million. That is only a small percentage of all that exists. Our scientists have observed close to one hundred times that number. However, our understanding of the universe may be superior to yours but sometimes an increase in knowledge only leads to an increase in questions.”

“That is true,” said Augustus. “Our scientists believe that there is a unifying theory that will explain the universe, its reason for being as well as ours—human life. Currently, quantum mechanics and relativity are those that are used to understand the universe; however, these theories are not in complete agreement with each other. Therefore, it is felt that a single unified theory must exist that precludes any and all theories. It is also felt that once this theory is found all phenomenon will be predictable, even that of human action. This is where I get off the boat, for I know that there is only one being who can know the actions of man before they occur. I also know that in taking away this unknown it would be the downfall of man. It would defeat a major purpose for our existence, for we learn best by trial and error, and knowing outcomes beforehand would defeat this most valuable tool.”

The queen looked at Augustus as if she were a proud mother seeing a gift she had always suspected her son possessed come to fruition.

116

“Yes, Augustus, this is very true.” “Even though there may be a proportional increase in questions

and answers,” said Augustus, “it would still be fascinating to travel to the far reaches of space. It would provide us with more accurate solutions that can only be estimated because of our lack of mobility and range.” Augustus paused and said, “I was wondering, how are you able to travel such great distances with such a large ship. Does the ship not reach an insurmountable weight as you move at light speed?”

“Actually,” said the queen, “we are able to move at speeds beyond that of light. Our scientists have developed a weight-negating device that enables the ship to weigh a mere fraction of its actual weight. They have also devised a fuel that virtually ignores mass and is able to generate power to propel us to speeds several times that of light.”

“That is phenomenal,” said Augustus. However, after hearing about the great scientific discoveries and

advancements it left him feeling inadequate and at a total loss as to why beings of such advanced technical ability would have such a need for someone so lacking in knowledge and experience.

With a look of concern the queen said, “What is wrong, Augustus? You seem troubled.”

“It’s just that I feel so inadequate, considering all that you must know compared to my limited knowledge. I don’t see myself ever being of much use to your people.”

“Oftentimes, knowledge is not as valuable as some think.” The queen smiled softly. “There are those who have considerable amounts but because of a lack of wisdom never come to the truth. Sometimes it is more important to know the difference between right and wrong than it is to merely stockpile information. It was your Einstein who said that without creativity knowledge would not exist. The most insightful—those who see what most others don’t—are wise creators and not simple disseminators of mere fact.”

“That is very wise in itself,” said Augustus. “It is a certain level of wisdom but not that of genius. This level

is where our spiritual leader should reside.” “I can only hope that your search to find such a being is

fulfilled.”

117

“Thank you, Augustus. Come, let us put such universe shattering talk aside for now. I am famished. Let us retire to the dining area.”

“That sounds wonderful,” said Augustus. The queen clapped her hands and several servants bowed and

ran off quickly to the inner area of the ship. The queen motioned Augustus to follow her. After a short while they arrived at a luxurious and spacious room. In the middle of the room was a table that could seat some thirty people. The queen clapped her hands and several attendants came forth with trays full of food. This was one lady who could make things happen.

“Have a seat, Augustus. I would like you to meet my children.” Augustus sat down, and no sooner had he come to rest when a

large group of children began to file in. The queen waved her hand and they formed a line and stood looking intently at Augustus. Several of the children tittered and elbowed each other.

“Children, I’d like you to meet Augustus.” The children bowed. Augustus returned the bow with a nod and

they began to file before him and the queen. “Augustus, this is Mild,” and Mild bowed and passed, and in

succession each child did the same. “Avail ... Abide ... Nourish ... Mention ... Season ... Abundance

... Accord ... Difference ... Urge ... Console ... Necessity ... Mend ... Balance ... Cleanse ... Guide ... Belief ... and my youngest, Increase.”

Augustus bowed to Increase and couldn’t help following her with his eyes as she walked to her seat. She was as lovely as the queen and nothing like the girls he had seen on earth. But it wasn’t just her looks that made her different. There was something about her. Of course she was from a galaxy far removed, but there was something else besides her mere alien-ness. There was a familiarity about her but he knew not why. She didn’t look like anyone he knew, and he for sure hadn’t run into her before. As he continued to look she sat and pulled in her chair and then took a quick look at Augustus, who quickly looked away. When he attempted another look she was looking at him and both quickly looked away. This looking, looking away, sideway glancing, glancing dancing would go on throughout the meal.

Turning to her children the queen said, “You may sit.” The children quickly sat down and just as quickly the attendants

began serving dinner. The food was oddly shaped and its coloring did

118

not make the food desirable to Augustus; however, its taste, he soon found out, was remarkable. There was one food in particular that looked like bright green star shaped noodles, of a slightly unusual texture, that tasted considerably better than a hamburger, fries and shake, Augustus noted. I’m talking good!

As Augustus ate, he couldn’t help continuing to glance over at Increase. And it seemed that each time he did so she was lifting her gaze in his direction. Their eyes would meet and immediately they would look away as their glances bounced off each other like magnets of opposing fields.

If Augustus’ mind had not been totally frazzled by the beauty of Increase he might have thought of the metaphor himself. I know he would appreciate it, for it is often said back on earth that opposites do attract. An omen? Maybe not. But a good thing? I’d say so.

After everyone had finished eating, the children were escorted out of the dining area. Increase was the last one to depart, of course. She couldn’t help taking her time and leaving Augustus with one big, healthy, long lasting you-know-that-I-know-that-you-know-we-know glance. The queen was not oblivious to all this glancing and took considerable pleasure in it. For not only did she really like this earth boy but, hey, let’s not forget she has got a rather large brood here, and she has got to pare it down with a little marriage activity here and there, here and there, here and there, here and there. Phew! That’s a lot of work just writing it out. I don’t envy you Queen Ogaboom.

After dismissing her children, the queen guided Augustus to the ship’s science officer. It was no short trip. They got onto a remarkably smooth operating lift that shot upward, moving rapidly past floor after floor. But it wasn’t that simple. Oh no! They moved horizontally, they moved vertically, they moved diagonally, they moved forward and backward, in and out, up and down, in and around. Did I miss anything? Eventually, they departed from the lift, Augustus looking a little green about the gills.

“Don’t worry,” said the queen “you’ll get used to it.” Finally, they stepped into the science lab. It was a play station

for super geeks. Augustus felt like he had just walked into the universe’s largest candy store. He had never seen so much science stuff. Some he recognized, but most was beyond anything he could have imagined. His imagination was a ninety-pound weakling compared to that of the behemoths that thought this stuff up.

119

The queen motioned to her science officer. “Augustus, this is my science office, Belshazzar.” Notice I didn’t call him Bob or nothin’ like that. Gots to have

those sci-fi names, ya know. Dig. Story. “It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance,” Belshazzar said,

extending his hand. “The pleasure is mine,” said Augustus. “If you don’t mind, gentlemen,” said the queen, “I must attend

to other matters. I’ll leave you two to get better acquainted.” Augustus and Belshazzar bowed as the queen departed. “I have never seen so much equipment in my life. This lab is

amazing,” said Augustus. “Yes, the size of our ship affords us the opportunity to bring all

that we need with us, and then some. We are currently examining rock samples from your earth. There are some outstanding mineral deposits. From what I can see, your planet is very rich in valuable minerals.”

“I’m not sure how we compare to other planets outside our galaxy, but yes we do have considerable natural resources,” said Augustus. He turned towards Belshazzar with an inquiring look. “May I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.” “I know how important science is to your race, as it is to mine;

however, I really can’t believe that the queen wants me to tag along. After all, I’m from a planet that is much less evolved than yours, and I’m just a kid.”

“Well, even though we may be technologically more advanced,” said Belshazzar, “we are still basically the same fallible and limited creatures of finite intellect as those of your race. We may have better toys but the limitations of the toy maker are the same. The queen obviously must have seen something in you; otherwise, she would not have brought you on board. I know that she is not a frivolous woman. And as far as your age is concerned, there are those of greatness who have done more before adulthood than most have done their entire life. So even though you may not see your importance and value in the scheme of things at this time, I would trust in the queen’s judgment. I have seldom seen her proven wrong, especially in matters of great importance.”

“Well, I will trust in what you say. If you don’t mind, I would love to see what you’re working on.”

120

“Certainly. If you would give me a minute, I have to see someone briefly.”

Augustus smiled; Belshazzar bowed and attended to his business.

Augustus still wasn’t convinced that his contributions were going to be earth shattering, or should that be Doufear shattering, but he really felt that this adventure was going to be quite interesting. He was also very pumped about meeting a really cute girl, one who actually seemed to be as crazy about him as he was about her. Ahhhhh, the stars are aligned, the moon is in the seventh house, and Venus is aligned with Mars. All is well. Or is it? We shall soon find out.

One quick aside, and I do this only because you humans are so dang limited. It really annoys me sometimes. You’d think you’d learn something and retain it for more than a day, once in a while. Remember, you forget 80% of what you read in 24 hours if you don’t review. Man that stinks. Me? I’ll probably forget ... Forget? Don’t know the word, babies. Well, enough stalling, put on your cerebral bibs and imbibe.

Remember how I told you about dreams and how they speak of coming events, and how those who are celestially enhanced and spiritually imbued will dream dreams and see visions? Remember that dream Augustus had about aliens invading earth when he was a kid? And how his mom with the big red nose, funky hair and clown makeup told him to settle, take it easy, no invasion imminent? Are you with me you infinitely finite freaks?

You’re looking at me like you’ve just misplaced your remote. Like you need more downtime. I’m ... Ahhhhhh, go wash out that useless shell of a cranium container, apply some thought adherent and stand in the corner ‘till I say so. Story.

16

Well folks, there she was, sitting on the grass of the spaceship’s arboretum amongst the poinsettias, philodendrons, ponsgosterrions, fults, fuelotts, ØÐ^¥¤¤, §ΘЂθ∏ℑΞ and other assorted galactic flora. And I know what the ladies are thinking: Dig it. That’s right, this is the scene all those of the fairer sex have been waiting for. I know. I know. It may be cliché, but more women read romance novels and watch soap operas than guys. Don’t they? And why? Because the ladies want it all. Don’t you ladies? Women, young ladies, those of the fairer sex, certainly desire action, intrigue and mystery in a good story, but what is it that they can’t live without? Romance. And they want the same thing in real life. Women may desire a man to be funny, fun loving, honest, forthright, sensitive, but what is it that women won’t live without? That’s right, romance. They can’t live without a continuous flow of love yous, your beautifuls, no one like yous ... Bottom line, they want it all. They may get the car, the cash, the house, the kids, the support of a wise and hardworking companion, but if they don’t get the intimate appreciation they so justly deserve and desire, then they’re checking out. And can anyone blame them? Guys, of course, can survive without all the romantic stuff. Actually, they’re pretty limited when it comes to romance. They just don’t have the verbal capacity or mental acuity to come up with much of the stuff on their own, so they need to be inspired and coaxed—and handed a few manuals on the subject once in a while. Yeah, they can build a sprawling suburban super-home, or a four-wheel drive behemoth master machine, conquer the world, mastermind a corporate take over but clueless is the address they live at until the Ms. comes along. “Hello,” she demurely inquires, “is this 1000 Clueless Lane? I’m looking for Mr. Almost Right. That’s Mr. Almost Right.” Well, ladies, this one’s for you.

Augustus couldn’t believe his luck, that a girl so beautiful was attracted to him. The night before, after he had left the lab, he sat thinking endlessly about her. Actually, he thought about her when he was talking to the queen, listening to Belshazzar, walking into walls and chairs and/or anything that didn’t have the sense to see that a newly born love-torn boy was heading its way. He even composed a poem. It was his first. He had never been inspired before, except when dealing with science, but that type of inspiration usually expressed itself in the form of a theory or mathematical model, not exactly romantic stuff. If I

122

may, I’d like to present his poem for consideration. That’s if it’s all right with you, Augustus?

Other hearts have tried to love,

but yours, desire bold, eclipsed and buried them. Weakened by self-serving design they saw only embers. Yours, emboldened white heat, interstellar immense, bellows pure. Your heart, a galaxy once touted by stick men who broke under the strain, finds me and flowers, a kitten luxuriating-- mother’s cleansing, nurturing tongue.

Thank you Augustus, that was very nice. It wasn’t quite finished; he felt he needed a little direct

inspiration to get him there, so he had set out to find Increase. As he sat looking at her, he didn’t feel like going over quite yet. His muse could wait. He was enjoying being able to focus completely on her without the distraction of conversation or nervousness forcing him to do the unwanted—look away. He loved the way her nose turned up and poked at the air with adorable, the way her wrists turned as she leaned on her arms behind her, and the starlight that fell on her brow asking for hints on brilliance and distinction. He finally decided that he couldn’t take it any more. He needed to be near. Be near me. Be near. He still wanted to soak her in, but he needed to do it at a skin-pore identifying distance. It was going to be difficult, since there were two other girls talking to her. As he moved closer, Increase finally became aware that he was in the arboretum. One of the girls she was talking to must have scanned him and reported the approximate heartthrob coordinates. And after doing so, the girl and her friend scurried away tittering and whispering. She spun on one arm to look at Augustus as he ambled forth. It was strange how slowly she appeared to be moving. Was this a made

123

for TV passionate moment where motion slows, the breeze picks up, blowing about the girl’s dress as she grabs it by the hem spinning about euphorically? Or was this happening because Augustus’ neurons were so unfamiliar with love that its novel molten sap was shorting all synaptic relays? I’m gonna’ go with option two, myself. He was now two feet away, her beauty maximized. He was just moments from unconsciousness. “Hi Augustus.” Augustus smiled nervously. He still wasn’t at the point of verbal response. Silence a safe haven for his panic.

Increase went right ahead with the one sided conversation, “Oh, I’m all right. Just sitting here admiring the plants, planets and stars. Isn’t it lovely?” Let’s hope he remembers that English is his native tongue. Maybe we’ll actually have a conversation here, as long as he doesn’t get to thinking about his inability to speak to girls (never mind one of intergalactic beauty, nevertheless), and just his general, all around, complete, utter, total lack of success with the opposite sex. “Blerb ber naught.” Then again ... “I’m sorry?” Increase inquired. Augustus couldn’t move. He had to talk to himself fast. Now (this is Augustus talking to himself; bear with me) this isn’t just any girl. She likes you, and not only that, she isn’t just some stupid earth girl who’s going to play a trick on you and then send you away hating yourself, stumbling off, whimpering, “how could someone so beautiful ever like me?” Besides, think about what Diatha and Bebe and MB have been teaching you, and your alternative dimension mom and dad. You’ve got it goin’ on, brainchild. Well, let’s not get carried away ... “Augustus, are you alright?” “Yeah ... sure.” Don’t blow it, mega medulla (Augustus to himself). “I was just enjoying the beautiful surroundings.” Increase looked around. “Yeah, it sure is beautiful in here.” “Back on earth,” Augustus fumbled slightly, “I used to sit outside and watch the stars for hours. I find looking at the sky ... peaceful.” Increase looked peacefully at Augustus, “Yeeeeahhhhh.” Augustus looked down at her and noticed that she was leaning back at a considerable angle with her legs crossed; the leg on top

124

bobbing up and down like a lure on the choppy surface of lake Gitcheoverhere Bigfella.

Augustus smiled shyly. “Did you ever think,” Increase asked dreamily, “how tough it would be to kiss in space?” Augustus suddenly dropped to his knees. “My gosh! Are you alright?” Increase helped him to a seat next to her. “Yeah, I think so.” “What happened?” “I ... ah ... sometimes my knees just give out. I think they were weakened by ... ah ... some serious illness I had when I was a kid. My mother told me about it, actually.” “Well, you better just sit right here next to me until they get better.” She had no idea how much he couldn’t move. It amazed Augustus that he was able to sit up and not flop about like a spineless, love torn anthropoid, not only after what she said but because now his leg was touching hers.

His leg touching a beautiful girl’s leg! You know what I mean? Man, how was he able to maintain consciousness? Let’s see how he’s doing it. He could do only one thing, take a deep breath and think math. Slowly he could feel his legs coming back as he pondered logarithm, sign, co-sign, tangent and co-tangent, mean, median, and mode. Mean, median and mode. Oh my! Deep breath. Mean, median and mode. Oh my! That’s it. Breathe deep Augusto. Hang in there. “You look better. Do you think you can stand?” Augustus was actually able to sit next to her now, legs touching, while actual thoughts floated and words emoted.

“I’m fine.” Just like that. “I’m actually feeling quite good,” Augustus Elizabethaned.

Surfacing were emotions for the ages, ancient emotions, society perpetuating emotions, but to Augustus they were exciting and new. The Looooooove Booooooat shiny and new ... Forget it. I’m not gonna’ sing it. “It’s very strange,” Augustus sat in deep contemplation, furrow browing it. “It’s as if the trauma of my legs going out has shifted my thoughts. It’s like a revitalizing, revelating burst of quantum energy.

125

I’m seeing something that has puzzled me for years come under an entirely different light.” Augustus spoke in a deep trance, barely aware that Increase was sitting at his side. Can you imagine that? What caused this? What has gotten into our Augustus? Let’s check back with the kids and find out. “All these years girls have made fun of me, or like most times have just ignored me. They would say things like “you’re cute” and then pull the rug out from under me, always leading me on. It was like the great adolescent-girl past time.” Increase just held his arm and looked at him admiringly. “Then I saw you.” Increase smiled widely at Augustus in one of those cute closed-mouth smiles girls give to their loved ones. “And you know what? I don’t care anymore. It’s like I’ve had some incurable disease and I’ve just been given a reprieve. Maybe all along I had that look, like I was asking to be buttered up and then dumped like a month old, moldy biscuit. Maybe I encouraged it. But that’s over with, very over with.” “It’s weird,” he continued. “I was even petrified of you. Some of it because of past experience, and some of it because you’re so beautiful that I couldn’t stand you rejecting me.” The smile continued. Maybe even getting a little broader and brighter here. “I don’t fully understand it, but I am so through with being the victim. I’ve got things to do, and I can’t waste my time thinking about whether I’m cool or not or liked and admired. I know what I’ve got going for me. I know what I can do, and what I’ve got is quite a bit more than most of those who’ve picked on me will ever get. And you have to think that if they’re spending so much time and energy on making other people feel stupid, then what does that say about the value of their existence? They should be so lucky that I even acknowledged them in the first place.” “Oh, Augustus, “ Increase tittered. And then the strangest thing happened. Each passing second his heart seemed to take on joules of heat almost exponentially. And not only was it heating up, but it felt like a couple dozen moms had just wrapped it in buttery-freshly-baked-just-out-of-the-oven-apple-pie-charmed hugs. And coursing through the rest of him were patches of heat here and patches of heat there. It felt like his body was a rack of ducks in a carnival shooting gallery. Pa ping! Pa ping! Pa ping! Pa ping! Pa ping! Pa ping! And you want to know why? Yes you do. I

126

would! Augustus had just received his first kiss. It was a rather auspicious kiss. Yes, yes it was. Had a lot of potential for the entire universe, I’d say. Can’t tell ya right now, but I’ll let you in on the secret, eventually. But didn’t I imply a while ago that things might not be well? I think I did, you know. I think I did. Keep reading troops. It’s the only thing you can do. Oh, and don’t be surprised if all of a sudden the ride gets a little bumpy. Can’t say I didn’t warn ya.

17

There it was, smack dab in the center of Beta Bot—Anxious. It’s known universe wide as ... WAIT A MINUTE! Yeah, I’m yellin’ here. Did you see that? Like, those words right before Anxious. Beta Bot! Wasn’t the queen looking for this galaxy? Isn’t this where they’ll find the great Augur? I mean, wha—wha—what’s up? She’s found it, no? Does she know? Maybe she doesn’t. Should I tell her? Let’s see a show of hands. One, two, three, four ... Nah, this will take forever. I don’t know what to do, but I’m thinking she knows more than she’s letting on because she’s no dummy, far from it. Even if she doesn’t know, isn’t there anyone on board amongst all those brains that could tell her? And she is here for a particular reason to see someone on a particular planet (more on this in a minute), so she must know. Can you know where a planet is but not what galaxy it’s in? Man, I’m stuck. Maybe I’ll just ... “Let the characters do the telling.” Narrator looks around and says, “Who’s that.” “Bebe.” “Bebe! Man, do I need your help.” “Just keep going and let the characters tell the story.” “That’s it?” “Yes. You need to increase your faith.” The narrator considers this for a moment and then says calmly, “You’re right. You’re right. You’re so wise, Bebe. I’m so glad you came forth.” “Not a problem.” Well, you heard the man. Let’s get back to the story.

It’s known universe wide as the strangest little orb ever to inhabit space. It is a rather small planet, no larger than our Mercury; however, its size may be the contributing factor in developing the eccentricity of its inhabitants. It’s possible that their inferiority complex was that which drove them to be, shall we say, unique.

The Anxtrins are one peculiar people. And the reason the queen desired to stop was not to find the next Augur but to visit her long lost brother, Nimfar. He was the black sheep of the family, a bit of a rebel

128

and a galaxy hopper from way back, but he and the queen were as thick as thieves. He may have been a bit out of the main stream, but his heart was made of gold. And lately he had decided to stop his galactic carousing and take on more responsibility when he accepted the position of head of the palace guard at Anxious. The queen decided to make the stop shore leave for the crew and sent them down in shifts. Most of them went to Obadiah, a kind of Las Vegas. The queen was excited by the prospect of seeing her older brother and had talked at length about him to Augustus. She had decided to take Augustus and Increase with her, as well as her foot guard and Commander Hydrox and a few of his men. There is nothing like a royal posse to impress outlanders, or is that the outlanders who are doing the impressing. I guess it depends on where you’re coming from, literally ... OK, I’m sorry. Story. They materialized on a walkway about a hundred yards from the reception party. It was close to a hundred feet wide and jetted out from the palace proper. Before them lay a pathway made of strawberry marble; guards clothed in brilliant dress blue stood on each side. The walkway was specifically designed for royal guests who while walking down it could take in the size and majesty of the palace. It was a huge structure. There seemed to be an endless number of floors below, for the walkway was at the very top of the palace some fourteen hundred feet above ground. It was also built atop the highest point on Anxious, and occasionally as guests walked along they might even find themselves right in the middle of a passing cloud. As they strolled past the line of guards, the queen said, “It’s been forever since I’ve seen your uncle, Increase. I have missed him tremendously. If he were living on Doufear he would be my most competent advisor. He has such an understanding of politics and how people interrelate—great intuitive insight. And not only that, he is the funniest man alive.” “I really don’t remember him that well,” said Increase, “but I do remember him being a lot of fun.” “Yes, his heart is one of galactic proportions.” The queen perked up. “There he is now.”

A handsome man of considerable stature with long, flowing blond hair, wearing a calf-length coat moved toward the landing party with a purposeful gait. He wore dress blues with red and gold trim and

129

calf high black boots. He looked like an intergalactic Clint Eastwood striding down the walkway. “Zebedee, you old battle-ax.” “Nimfar, you’re looking well,” said the queen as they embraced.

Break OK, let’s get something out of the way here. I know some of

you, probably less than I think (things usually work out that way), are wondering how all these beings from various intergalactic places are all speaking English. Well, pretty much the same reason some American movies set in other countries with non-English speaking characters start out giving you a sense of difference in language and then the remainder, or greater portion of the movie, is spoken in English. Because the people watching speak English. Like the people reading this story speak English, not some intergalactic hodge podge of languages.

Actually, if you want the truth, it’s just way too much work for the writer to create new languages and cultures with complete dictionary, maps and notes. We’ll leave the creating works of fictional authenticity, whole new worlds, to the more ambitious writers. After all, the author of this book is no J. R. R. Tolkien. Obviously.

There, just had to say that. Hmmm, feel much better now. Thanks. Probably something to do with feelings of inadequacy coming from some type of unfulfilled omniscient father / omnipresent son complex, but that’s a job for my therapist, not you. Un-break. “I’m sorry,” said Nimfar, “the king and queen couldn’t be here to greet you; they are in conference. It will be over shortly, though. They are truly looking forward to meeting you.” Nimfar then turned to Increase and said, “This can’t be Omaub Bethesa Increase Ogaboom, can it?” He reached down and picked her up like she was a child, squeezing her tightly. He was one big, strong hombre. Increase blushed deep red. “Hello, uncle Nimfar.” Putting Increase down he said, “And Hydrox, you’re looking well.” “Thank you, sir. It is good to see you again.”

130

“And who do we have here?” “This is Augustus,” said the queen. “He is from planet earth and is coming to Doufear to aid our scientists in their quest to recover lost knowledge.” “Nice to meet you, Augustus,” Nimfar said taking his hand. “You have quite the task ahead of you.”

Augustus pressed his lips together. “Yes I do . . . It’s nice to meet you, too,” he said releasing his grip.

Turning to the queen, Nimfar said, “As I said before, I will offer our assistance, for our records have been kept quite accurate over the years.” “No, as I’ve said before, it is essential that we obtain the data for ourselves.” And on this subject she said nothing more. Nimfar playfully said to Augustus, “I’m sure the queen has been filling your ears with tales of great adventures and heroic gestures.” “No,” interjected the queen, “I have not told him anything about myself, as of yet.” Chuckling, Nimfar said, “Ahhhh ... I see this is going to be a troublesome visit. Come, the king and queen will be ending their meeting shortly.” As the party moved along, Augustus and Increase lagged behind. “Why did he call you Omaub Bethesa Increase Ogaboom?” Augustus whispered. “That is my full name. Increase is my Odyssian name, or that of our belief, and one that is given by the regent to her posterity. It reflects the concerns and spiritual yearnings of the times. As the names of the queen’s children are announced to the Derivatians they are considered revelation or signs of the times.” “I see, and what does Increase imply?” “It means that within my lifetime there will be a period of great spiritual growth and understanding. According to our priests, the one my mother seeks is the one who will accomplish this. He is to bring not only our world but the universe in line with an understanding of our essential reason for being.” “Wow! This guy must be one exceptional being. He’s got to be some kind of spiritual genius. Maybe even some type of prophet or god.”

131

“We really don’t know that much about him, other than what’s been prophesized. We know that he is a great spiritual presence, but nothing more specific.” They moved inside the palace and were now approaching the main chamber where the queen and king were holding their meeting. The doors to the chamber stood ten feet tall and were opened by two guards. As they swung open, Augustus saw the most unusual sight. The king and queen were sitting before a group of people—mostly males standing about—and in the middle was a high wire. Atop it was a rather elderly male with what appeared to be a parasol as he awkwardly attempted to progress along the wire. “And I propose,” the male said, nearly tumbling off, “that there be not only more taxes but those with the largest incomes should be taxed the most, with the exception of the king and queen, of course. There is no doubt that this will benefit all concerned, and the polls indicate across the board that this is the only true and fair method.” The king studied the man intensely. The king was a handsome, heavyset man with a cropped white beard and full head of thick, wavy hair. His blue eyes sparkled as he pondered his next move. But what appeared to be deep contemplation working in those eyes often fell far short of its goal. “You know,” he said to the queen, “I really didn’t like the way he made that last turn.” “You’re right, dear, and he hasn’t even jumped around or anything. And where is his unicycle? All rather boring if you ask me.” The queen was an attractive physical equal to the king. She didn’t look so much like him when they married, but over time the depth of their love and internal closeness now bore itself in the physical. The king turned to the man and said, “Yes, yes, yes, all very well Fianue, but we find your proposal rather ... limited. Next, please.” The man was taken down from the wire and another entered the room with several balls in his hands. “Your majesty,” he said as he began to juggle, “I propose that Anxious decrease its military force to reduce the budget. It has been determined that the largest percentage of our budget is spent on troops and defense weaponry.” While speaking, the man had been juggling three balls but now added a toilet plunger, tennis racket, and bowling ball (or what looked

132

to be these objects), all of considerably bright colors, and a chartreuse and fuchsia stripped cat. “My goodness,” said the queen, “that is most impressive. And those colors ... remarkable.” “Yes, I believe his is the most winning argument.” At this point the king’s political advisor stepped in and spoke to the king in a very measured and halting tone, “Your highness, our galaxy is in a most unstable condition. There has never been a more likely chance that Anxious will be attacked. We can’t reduce our military budget now. Besides, your highness, we’ve discussed this and you’ve already proposed an increase in the military budget for the sole purpose of adding troops.” “Yes, thank you, Tillamuck,” the king said offhandedly. He turned to the queen, “I say we go with this one. He is most remarkable.”

The queen nodded in absent minded agreement, still mesmerized by the swirling colors. “Good Anxian,” said the king to the juggler, “your performance was most remarkable. Your proposal is accepted.” The man departed quickly, bowing and fawning as he backed out of the room.

The king turned his attention to Queen Ogaboom and her party. “Good day, Queen Ogaboom. It is splendid to see you.” Queen Ogaboom curtsied in the direction of the king and queen. “Gentlemen,” said the king, “please leave us. We will take up further proposals tomorrow.” The crowd departed, leaving the king and queen with Queen Ogaboom, Augustus, Increase and Nimfar. Hydrox and his men left with the others. The king motioned to the attendants to make his guests comfortable. They were directed to chairs and sat down. “It is wonderful to meet you, Queen Ogaboom,” said the king. “We have heard so much about you. Nimfar speaks ever so highly of you, and quite often.” “Thank you, King Dargon. It is a pleasure to meet you and the queen.” “Thank you,” said Queen Dargon. Turning to Augustus and Increase she said, “Who are these lovely young people attending you?” “This is my daughter, Increase, and this is our guest, Augustus.” “A pleasure to meet you,” said Queen Dargon.

133

“Thank you,” Augustus said bowing. “It is an honor meeting you, my queen.” “Yes,” said Increase, also bowing, “it is an honor.” The king and queen nodded in kind. “Come,” said King Dargon, “let us dine. You must all be famished.” The guards opened the main doors and the party exited the room and headed for the dining area. They were led to a rather large table where everyone sat, with the king and queen at the head of the table, of course. Queen Ogaboom and Nimfar sat to the queen’s left, while Augustus and Increase sat to the king’s right. Several attendants came and went leaving behind a sumptuous meal. “Well, Augustus,” said the king, “Queen Ogaboom tells me that you are a budding scientist of considerable promise.” “The queen is very gracious with her praise,” said Augustus. “I have been in science almost from birth. My mother tells me I was born with a microscope in my hand.” “Interesting, interesting. I myself am an amateur scientist, but those you must visit are at the Academy of Sciences. There you will find a collection of the greatest minds on Anxious. I attend their lectures on a regular basis, and I must say I find myself at a loss to describe their genius. If your stay is lengthy, you must attend a meeting as my guest.” “That sounds wonderful, your highness. I would be honored.” “All this talk of science,” said Queen Dargon. “Must we be so analytical? I believe such talk will make me incontinent.” She smiled politely in the direction of Queen Ogaboom. “Yes, let us turn to more genteel subjects,” said Queen Ogaboom. “I believe that I have never seen such an immense and magnificent palace.” “Oh, thank you, Queen Ogaboom,” said Queen Dargon. “The structure has been at this location for close to five hundred years. It was moved from its original location to this point for defense purposes. I must add that when the sun sets the view is breathtaking, a good enough reason alone to have moved it here.” “I thought that was the reason it was moved,” said King Dargon. “My goodness, I’m always the last to find things out. Nimfar, I’d like a briefing on this in the morning.” “Yes, your highness,” said Nimfar with a look of resignation.

134

“Well, it is getting rather late, and I’m sure our guests are tired from their travels,” said Queen Dargon. “Let us retire and we will get a fresh start in the morning.” I know this scene moved rather quickly and there wasn’t much description, or much anywhere in this book, but who cares? I’ve got a story to tell and not a desire to flex any long winded, descriptive skills, creating a “sense of place.” One of my writing teachers told me there wasn’t enough of a “sense of place” in my writing. Well, the only place I’m going is to the top of the national best-sellers list with this one, baby. That’s right. I’m about action and purpose of profundity. You want description go read some literature, and when you get back I’ll have some thought provoking, insightful, deep, life altering words for you in conjunction with entertainment of considerable color and joy to boot. So there, you stuffed shirt literalists, literaryist, literal people. Whatever. Enjoy, my pop-culturists. Hee, hee. That wasn’t the writer. That was actually me, omnipresent narrator. I just like making fun of the guy. He’s so ... uptight. Story. Now, I did say that there was going to be a few bumps in the road, didn’t I? Well, don’t worry, don’t worry they’re coming. But there is something even more important that you should keep your eyes open for, and it doesn’t have much to do with physical calamity. That which I am talking about is a burgeoning of the soul, a soul and soul. Kind of like two souls. Well, exactly like two souls. It is two souls. And it’s so neat how it happens. It is so cool, so cool. You’ve got to check it out. First, there’s the real growth part, where one goes through times of insecurity, want, frustration, disbelief and trial, and then it gets ... It gets ... Well, you’ll just have to see for yourself. I don’t want to give it away because if I did I’d be conveying a blurt it out—even better if you could before it happens—generic, television news copy, instead of a novel that uses your basic build, climax, resolve plot arch. I’ve got to let things take their course, so bear with me, bear with me. And don’t expect it to be revealed to you in one big, obvious, lump sum. Sorry, short-attention-span-Xbox-iPod-BlackBerry generationers. It will be there but in bits and pieces that you’ll have to put together yourself. Ah ha! you say. Well, got to get to work. I’m pulling my load; you’ll have

135

to put forth some effort as well, of course. I know you’ve laid down a pretty nickel for this book, but it’s mostly for your own good that I tell you this. So get to work, make some synaptic connections and build a few more neurons for old times sake, will you? Thanks. Enjoy!

18 Augustus and Increase arrived at the Academy of Sciences to meet with a professor Rudwink. The king was going to accompany them but had to back out at the last minute because of a big council meeting he was encouraged to attend by his political advisors. The king’s entire political staff was there. They were assembling to discuss the transfer of the king’s chambermaid. During the minutes of the meeting, which described what had occurred at the last meeting, it was stated that they had assembled a week ago to discuss the transfer of the king’s chambermaid. After this was noted the meeting began and lasted several days. As Augustus and Increase walked up the stairs to the academy, Augustus noticed the large sign above the entranceway: The Royal Academy of Sciences *. And then there was that asterisk. Augustus looked below the large lettering, and after much squinting was able to read the following:

The Academy of Quaint Ideas and Innocuous Inanities Where Mediocrity Makes Us Hoot

Stepping inside the academy, the first thing Augustus and Increase noticed was the immensity of its proportions. The ceilings rose some forty feet into the air, and the foyer was over twenty-five thousand square feet. The dimensions were breath taking, and from out of that great immensity came a small, gentle voice:

“Ah ... are you Augustus?” Augustus looked to his left, and at a considerable distance was the oldest and smallest man he had ever seen. He seemed to be well over one hundred years old and stood barely five feet tall. The dimensions of the building almost obscured the old man into nonexistence. “Yes, I am, and this is Increase. Are you professor Rudwink?” “Yes.”

“Good. The king said ...” “Please follow me,” the professor interrupted.

And he turned, and just like that disappeared into a small black opening.

137

Augustus and Increase hurried after the professor. When they got to the point where he had disappeared they noticed that the black opening was actually a good-sized hallway, down which they could see an endless number of doors. The immensity of the foyer made the slightly above average hallway seem like a mouse hole. Just as they got to the hallway, they saw a door closing and ran towards it. Upon reaching it, they opened it slowly and looked inside. It took a while for their eyes to adjust, for the lighting was very dim. When they were able to make things out more clearly they noticed a very cluttered lab, but no professor Rudwink. Then from somewhere in the room they heard:

“Well, are you coming in or are you just going to stand there?” Still not being able to see the professor, they walked slowly into the room towards his voice. They walked and walked. Still no professor. After a little more searching, Augustus noticed something and poked Increase while nodding to his left. There, deep in the back of the room, sat the professor hunched over his microscope, barely noticeable amongst the endless array of equipment. Augustus and Increase walked over to where he sat and introduced themselves. “Hello, professor. My name is Augustus and this is Increase.” “Increase. Interesting,” said the professor, keeping his head down on the microscope. “This is a rather impressive structure,” said Augustus. “And this lab is most impressive. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this much equipment in all my life, never mind all in one place.” “Thank you,” said the professor. Looking up he asked, “That is the proper response, yes?” He looked at Augustus and Increase with brief curiosity and then went back to work. “Well, we’ll have to trust that it is,” he said absentmindedly. “It might be of interest to inquire further some day,” he mumbled more to himself than to his company. “Professor,” said Augustus, “what is it that you are studying?” Finally he looked up. “Why, the reason for life, of course,” he said incredulously. “This lies at the foundation of all science, whether a scientist admits to it or not, and he who does not is destined for limitation to the breadth and depth of his inquiries.” “What specifically are you looking for, professor?” “We are studying random samples taken from planets across the universe. I am studying water samples. Professor Boil is studying soil

138

samples, Kimkar air and Daff thermal phenomenon. We are attempting to discover a unified theory that will explain the universe and our place in it. Professor Kimkar has come up with a formula and the other professors have concurred. We believe that the universe equals a constant times the frequency of the stars to the fifth power, all over a natural exponent, times a second constant, divided by time minus one. Of course, we’ve devised this equation to suit our beliefs and the anticipated results of our theory, but that is beside the point. It seems feasible, now we merely have to discover what it means.” Augustus turned to Increase and shrugged. Turning back to the professor he said, “Professor, I’m curious, don’t you feel that the chance of coming up with such a theory has its limits ... in the extreme?” “It is a theory like any other; even if one is discovered and determined to be quite rigorous there is always the possibility of disproving it. But that is the joy of science—its openendness. May discovery be forever more,” the professor said with considerable enthusiasm. “I see,” said Augustus. “But don’t you feel that something as important and intrinsic as man’s origin and ultimate destiny is that which can’t be left to mere interpretation? Does God play dice with man’s purpose?” “That is yet to be seen. We don’t know enough even to determine the importance of man’s existence. What if man is but God’s pet and our existence is no more than an excuse to walk the dog?” “I guess that depends on one’s innate understanding of how important he or she is. It is quite subjective, I concede, yet there are whisperings in our histories and in our souls that speak to our importance, above and beyond mere self-indulgence—a reaching out to comfort and enjoy others.” “Yes, yes, quite. However, ours is not to ask questions of the soul but to look to tangible, observable evidence that can with little doubt prove factual and fruitful.” Augustus paused and said abruptly, “Well, professor, it was a pleasure talking to you.” “Yes, I’m sure if I considered it I’d feel the same,” the professor said half listening. Augustus bowed and made his way for the door.

139

Increase noticed that something in Augustus had changed. She also noticed he was in deep contemplation and didn’t disturb him for some time as they walked back to the palace. Finally, she turned to him and said, “I’m curious, didn’t you want to ask him more about his theory or talk more science? It would seem to be a great opportunity to discover more about that which intrigues you.” “You know, it’s interesting, when I was on my way over I was really excited about going and looking forward to learning something. I was imagining myself spending endless hours asking questions and possibly using the lab for study and inquiry. But after the professor explained his unified theory something came over me. It was as if I was given this insight that science is not all it’s cracked up to be. It’s kind of the modern version of ancient philosophy where man tried to use mere reason to understand the universe and his reason for being. Science has taken over where philosophy has left off; it’s basically philosophy with math. I’m not talking all science, just abstract physics or mathematics. I’m not sure what it all means, but the impression I was getting when I was there was very strong. And it’s not like these thoughts are new. I’ve been pondering a new perspective ever sine I‘ve met Diatha and Bebe. As I’ve considered what they’ve been teaching me I’ve been moving away from man’s science and more towards a personal connection with the divine.” “What else was your impression saying?” “It’s also saying that science is going about the whole thing backwards. It seems to me that instead of going so far away from home to find the answers, it’s much closer and much simpler than we’ve been making it out to be. I’m not really sure how to express this right now or what it all implies, but the impression that the answers lie elsewhere was very strong back there. I don’t know, but I’ve got a feeling that this something—this something small is going to end up being something big, real big.” “Oh Augustus, you’re so wonderful. And before he could ask what Increase meant, she grabbed him by the collar and gave him a very big kiss.

Let’s give the kids some privacy, shall we?

19 The next morning Augustus woke early, for he was going to the annual Concessions of Consilience Conference, a unity of knowledge meeting at the Academy of Science. The king had invited Augustus but, once again, he couldn’t make it because of a pressing engagement. The monthly sock drawer meeting. Don’t ask. Augustus arrived fifteen minutes early and found a seat towards the middle of the meeting room. It was a good-sized room with enough seats for over eight hundred attendees. He was told that scientists, philosophers, anthropologists, and archeologists from many a planet would be in attendance, and, actually, anyone who was interested or curious. The core group, however, was made of scientists from the academy. As Augustus settled in, he noticed someone was already on the stage speaking. It appeared the meeting had already begun. “Furthermore,” said the male on the stage, “you scientists,” scientist being said rather mockingly here, “don’t know the difference between a photon and neutrino. You all think you’re genies emerging from a bottle of Ylem. I’ll tell ya what you are, all right, a bunch of babes sucking on the teat of cosmological indifference. You have nothing to say. You attempt to decipher the infinite code of the universe with minds infinitely finite. Events cannot be predicted beyond a certain extent but occur in a random and arbitrary manor. For a reason! Yes, my friends, a reason of great simplicity and infinite purpose.” Then two males went up on stage, gently placed their hands on the speaker’s arms and talked to him softly as they slowly escorted him to the edge of the stage. But the speaker would have none of this. He broke free and raced back to the front of the stage. Well, not exactly raced, and not in a straight line either. He zigged a little, zagged a little and stumbled a little. Several more males appeared on stage and before long were able to assist the speaker off. After a moment or two, while the man was speaking, Augustus had realized that it was none other than Dr. Rudwink. He seemed to have a change of tune overnight.

Why was he now opposed to a unified theory? thought Augustus. Especially since he’d been working on one for some time—if Augustus wasn’t mistaken. This little show sent quite a surge of energy through the audience. As the speaker was escorted to his seat, Augustus heard from

141

behind, “Well, Rudwink has done it again. This has become as much a part of the show as the presentation and discussion.” “Yes,” said another male. “I used to think they should let him speak again, but the tension of the chase and the unknown of impromptu commentary is too good to pass up.” From Augustus’ right he heard, “Is Rudwink still in the bottle?” “Oh, yeah,” said another male, “he’s been on the sauce for some time. Hasn’t written anything in years. Too bad; if he would sober up, I’d love to see a follow up to Quarks, Quasars, Quanta and other Quirks of the Universe.” “Certainly a brilliant being.” “Yes. Every time he hits the bottle he gives this little speech. And he’s either merely foolish or that liquor is a truth serum and his work on a unified theory is a cover up and excuse for grant money.” The buzz that had been circulating amongst the audience members quickly settled down as several males made their way to chairs situated in the center of the stage. One male moved to the microphone and began to speak. “Males and females. Anxians, Blundanese, Flouts, Contravenians, Backendians, Zees, Zonkedians, Plendians, and others, we welcome you to the thirty-fourth Concessions of Consilience Conference.” Light and polite applause. “I am your host, Dr. Rightsumtime. Thank you for coming on this wonderful morning. We are honored to have with us some of the greatest minds of the century. As you know, our purpose here is to find the missing link. At this time, the universe is defined by two theories—relativity and quantum. They, unfortunately, as we know, work separately but not in tandem. Therefore, we need to find that which will tie them together—the proposed string theory. However, there are those working on other theories, some that we will hear about this morning. Without further ado, let me introduce our distinguished panel.”

Pointing to his right Dr. Rightsumtime said, “I’m sure you’re all familiar with our first guest, Dr. Bumble of Trumble, renowned scientist, collector of questionable benchmarks, who enjoys tanning, an occasional game of fleg, and non-synchronized juggling. He has written numerous books, including Wormholes Ain’t to Worry and Quanta, Quanta, Now.

Light and polite applause.

142

“Next to him is Dr. Charlatan who has been researching the possibility of light at the end of big crunch singularity or finding hope in the inevitable collapse of the universe. He tells us that variety is the spice of life, therefore, its thirty-two flavors—apple to vanilla to up, down, strange, charmed, bottom and top. These last six “flavors,” quarks, are elementary flavors, if you will, the elements of life. Without them, says Dr. Charlatan, we swindle human perception, allowing limitation in life and imagination. Dr. Charlatan has three pet squid and a transportation pod named Mike.”

Light and polite applause. “Next to Dr. Charlatan is Dr. Whoops. He hails from

Tribbletania and loves to watch the roots of Tompus trees assimilate his oldest male, Timothy. He has been making mistakes in the field of theoretical physics now for over thirty years. He loves the fact that no theory can ever be absolute, and prides himself in knowing that if he does find the theory that binds that of relativity with quantum, he’s off the hook until he acquires all existing and future knowledge, can apply said theory with objective absoluteness, knowing all possible outcomes extending throughout time and eternity.” Turning to Dr. Whoops, Dr. Rightsumtime winked and said, “That’s a tall order, don’t you think William?”

Light and polite applause. Dr. Rightsumtime made several more introductions and then said, “And last, but not least, Dr. Fumbleena. He’s been known to ask answers before telling the question. He runs backwards up to five miles at a time. Knows the sound an unobserved tree falling in the woods makes, applauds with one hand, shoots bottle rockets from the sand, and has twenty-six places to put his tissue box. He’ll be our first speaker, Dr. Fumbleena.” Dr. Fumbleena walked with purpose to the front of the stage and stood before the microphone shuffling some papers. He was an extremely handsome man, stood about six four, and wore a tight red leather jumpsuit with a feather boa wrapped about his shoulders, graceful arching heels, and pink and turquoise handbag. Quite expressive, but why? His planet of origin and reason for dress will be discussed sometime later. Dr. Fumbleena. Dr. Fumbleena spoke for forty minutes, proposing how the string theory should work. Dr. Whoops, who was followed by Dr. Charlatan and five other scientists, followed him. Meanwhile, Augustus

143

shifted in his seat uncomfortably. The more he heard, the more he knew he couldn’t just sit and listen much longer. Something was prompting him, pushing him, shoving him to stand up and be counted. Meanwhile, Dr. Rightsumtime was at it again. It appeared that he had something else to say. “Ahem,” he spat into the microphone. “I am of the mind that our distinguished guests have proposed some of the most remarkable and potentially useful theories to date. I, as you know, have been of the old school, supporting and purporting that of a third theory, the string or a version thereof. However, the vanguard seeks a broader platform from which to work. I have just begun research in this area and would like to propose the following.”

Slight stir from the audience here. “We have been focusing almost exclusively in the realm of

science. I propose that we broaden our scope to include other disciplines, that we expand our vision to include religion, ethics, social science, biology, anthropology, accounting, business, hair care, car repair ...”

This brought forth some heated discussion from the audience. “Yes ...” Waiting for quiet. “Yes ... we, as scientists, believe that the universe is orderly and

can be explained by a limited number of natural laws. However, we have been frustrated to grasp that which appears to be forever just out of reach. Therein lies the problem, for we have not advanced on the two theories, relativity and quantum, that have been discovered time and again over the millennia from one isolated world to another; we still have not found a unification of knowledge—having enough certain knowledge that will allow us to know who we are and why we are here. A point of interest is that Earth, a planet in the Milky Way system, has only recently discovered these theories that explain the universe, and we have known of them for thousands of years and have yet to move beyond them in understanding. I feel that we need to broaden our horizons, to the ridiculous if need be, and move forward in our manifest destiny. If knowledge is unified, perhaps it will make itself known where we have not dared to look. Let us look not beyond the stars but to our backyard, perhaps, and perhaps this is why we stumble time and again, for we do not see the forest for the trees.”

144

“Consider the following, we are finite creatures of infinite potential, and we must find where that potential resides. We desire never to cease and take those within us who are no longer of the physical, promoting their spirits from generation to generation to generation. I propose that if the universe follows certain set laws in its perpetuation—energy is never made or destroyed; sentient beings are rife with electromagnetic energy—then how can any sentient being not believe in his or her eternal potential? However, first and foremost, we must not resign ourselves to ivory tower tactics, where we pass notes on wisps of winds of superiority and separation. I believe that our destiny lies in the obvious, in the tangible, on common ground, where few have dared to look and fewer still will go. For why should something so universal, so common as life itself, be left to the understanding of the few?” This brought on quite some discussion from the audience, of the loud and heated kind. “This is just the type of thinking that will do us in,” one scientist intoned. “What did he say, hair care?” said another. “There’s no reason to panic. Let’s stay the course. It’s the only reasonable thing to do,” another male was heard to say. “Is he implying that there is no predictable order to the universe?” Another. “Fool.” And another. “Anarchist.” And then, all of a sudden, there it was ...

“ahem” ... sitting all separate and apart.

The room began to settle. Say again?

“ahem” Who was that?

145

It appeared to be coming from somewhere in the middle of the audience. It was an ahem for the ages. It wasn’t particularly loud or abrasive. Actually, no ahem is loud enough to be heard over eight hundred plus speaking rather loudly, is it? As ahems go it was actually a rather quiet one. There was something unique about this ahem, though. It wasn’t just one’s ears that picked it up. It was being broadcast over another less overt frequency, one that couldn’t be picked up by the ear but by a more subtle receptor. Shall we say, the spirit? Remember the oversoul? That part of the spirit separate yet connecting all? The Hindu calls it the divine, and our individual souls, or atman, a reservoir of being that never dies, constantly looks to the Brahman or divine. It is along this pathway, the atman looking to its home, that Augustus was able to communicate his fate interuptus, for he may have a path the boys might want to follow. Let’s check in on the drama.

Everyone now had his or her eyes on Augustus. He got up from his seat and pardoned himself as he moved down the row. Slowly, yet without a sign of arrogance or intimidation, looking like he was on a stroll in the park, he moved to the dais. Dr. Fumbleena smiled politely and yielded up the microphone.

Augustus looked at the crowd for a moment and then said, “ahem.”

What’d you expect? “Gentlemen, my name is Augustus. I’m from the planet Earth in

the galaxy Milky Way.” “Human,” smattered throughout the audience. Augustus smiled politely and spoke—rather softly at a medium

pace. “I may be young but am a man of science. I have studied since

the age of six and have found science of great comfort and interest to my head, heart and soul. However, of late I have had a quantum shift, if you will, in my understanding. I believe that our abilities dictate our research, or where we should look for our answers and how we should proceed. Consider the following ...”

Lots of noise here, speaker pauses, waits ... Augustus? “We are beings of great ignorance, all equal in our infinite

ignorance. We are forever learning yet never coming to the truth, as Dr. Fumbleena has said. A being may be of particular brilliance in his or

146

her field of study, yet infinitely limited regarding comprehensive understanding. Our Einstein, for instance, labeled a genius in the field of theoretical physics, yet what did he know of the soft sciences, business, history, art, engineering, and so forth? He was a genius but his limitations far exceeded his abilities, like most beings. To continue, anyone can walk into a good sized library and be humbled by the fraction of knowledge he or she possesses in comparison to all in its books, and humbled even more so by the infinitesimal subset of universal knowledge known and the infinite unknown it represents. Why, then, do we seek ultimate understanding through the rational mind? Is it due to ignorance? Arrogance? Or a combination? Consider that in twenty-four hours we forget eighty percent of that which we’ve read. Consider that we, at least humans, some other sentient beings only slightly more, use only five to ten percent of our brains? What can we know? In contemplating a theory of some complexity, what portion of knowledge is not used or overlooked due to limitations—never mind all that is unknown. Our minds are extremely limited in their ability to absorb, retain, process and recall data. Supercomputer? Super-light computer, I say.”

Some intellectual tittering here. Nothing like a good cerebral guffaw amongst a bunch of old

scholarly dudes. Let’s continue. “And if we desire to know where we come from, why we are

here and where are we going, via some combination of theories, which can never be proven absolute—a fact that should send us scurrying immediately towards other avenues of investigation—why do we insist that we continue? I believe—I know that the answer to our destiny does lie elsewhere.”

You’d think this would bring forth some heated discussion, a comment or two, a whisper, perchance? Nothing. Actually, it was more quiet than an hour after the exterminator had fumigated the building, not a living soul, not even a bug was stirring. The smart dudes were mesmerized. Not a cough, drool, sneeze or scratch in sight. Need I say more?

“For arguments sake, let us look at desire. What is it that all sentient beings desire? Joy, no? Do we not desire contentment in our relationships, challenges in our cerebral pursuits, doing that which is interesting and rewarding, contributing, maybe a little adventure and

147

excitement here and there outside of these pursuits? But probably more than anything else we desire these things to last forever. If I may?”

“Now ... let us look to that which is paramount to the sentient’s soul. First of all, how can one determine that which one desires above all else? By asking the question at death’s door, certainly, for finality has a way of making profoundly thoughtful and honest beings of us all.”

Much head shaking and agreeing in the audience here. “When on one’s deathbed an overwhelming majority desires

two things—that they’ve loved and been loved. When on one’s deathbed the overwhelming majority thinks little of his or her accomplishments in the workplace, fame, fortune, all things temporal or material. The desire is to stay with or continue with relations. And what is at the foundation of all relations, that which is priceless, that which encourages, invigorates and lifts? Love. But how does love fit into the equation of ultimate understanding?”

“For arguments sake, we are creatures seeking perfection. No one likes being wrong or inadequate. These shortcomings drive most to seek power, fame and glory. Our limitations and fears drive us, not that which satisfies, for once one is satisfied he or she becomes inert. Fortunately, we are imperfect creatures with innate desires of perfection, continually seeking such. Look to my world, Earth. Those who are revered, idolized and scrutinized are those who have excelled and are at the head of their fields in sports, business, the arts, sciences and so forth. We revere and sometimes in the extreme worship these people. Why? For we seek the same in ourselves. Few if any desire to flunk out of school, fail in business, not make the team. It is this desire to be all we can be that drives us on. So if we desire perfection, can we ever consistently achieve it in our mortal, limited state? Certainly. How so? Through love. Whenever we reach out to aid, heal, comfort, encourage or enjoy another, can we be wrong? If done with purity of heart, without motivation of gain, a pure selfless act, then yes. We may fail when attempting to make decisions for others, or when postulating theories in social, political, theological or scientific realms. But if we desire perfection and reaching out in love is the only time we can be correct, absolute in our actions, I say answers of eternal import lie here.”

“For arguments sake, we were not put here to be geniuses, to seek answers to questions beyond our capacity to understand, to know

148

it all, but to know a little, that little that matters. When asked why we are here, Mother Teresa, at one time a great spiritual presence on earth, said, “To love and be loved.” We don’t have the capacity to know that which the master of the universe knows, that great intelligence behind universal law and order, a supreme if not perfect intelligence that Einstein knew existed, proving the existence of such an infinitely intricate and complex thing of beauty—the universe. And if we reach to perfect our ability to love, that area of life where we have the capacity to excel and exceed, maybe, just maybe, we will be given the answers of great eternal import that we so justly desire.”

“For arguments sake, is not the divine often seen as a parent? Do we, as parents, desire our children to have all they desire? And if we are His children, does He not desire us to have it all? What makes us think one of a superior and perfect mind would want anything less for us than that which we in our imperfection desire for ours?”

“I thank you for listening.” And just like that Augustus headed for the exit. No one came

after him to seek him out to ask him questions, to ask for his autograph, and neither did he desire the attention. It’s not that those in attendance didn’t want to seek him out but they couldn’t. Those in the audience were semi-comatose.

You’d be too, if you just heard a universe shattering speech. Well, I lied. Not about the seeking stuff but about no one coming after him. It seemed one sole, rather tipsy being was waiting outside the door.

“Good day,” said the being. Augustus turned and said, “Good day ... Dr. Rudwink?” “That was quite some talk.” “Thank you,” said Augustus. He went from looking pleased to perplexed. “After your statement this morning, I must say, that I don’t understand why you are working on a unity of knowledge theory? It doesn’t make sense.” “Well, being founder and organizer of the Concessions of Consilience Conference I thought it might be a good idea to keep up the image.” Augustus looked stunned. “Yes, it’s true. I used to think a lot like those at the academy, but had a revelation years ago, not unlike yours. And, yes, yes, I’ve spoken to them several times but they would not listen. It appears one

149

is deemed crazy by his peers when coming up with the new and overly simplistic, and that’s why I took to drink. Seems they would only listen to me if they thought I wasn’t of a proper mind. That’s why I keep up the charade of research. Not the best approach but at least they listen. I was hoping that after a period of time through mere exposure to the idea they’d get more comfortable with it and eventually give in to consider what I had to say. Of course, there are others who agree with me, like Dr. Rightsumtime, but they are few and far between. Interesting how after your talk they sat there like they’d never heard such a thing before. Goes to show you how stupid the intelligent can be.” Dr. Rudwink smiled wryly. “I’m aware of the same problem on our planet,” said Augustus. “Science and technology have become the new gods. Anything not hinging on the readily tangible, that proven by empirical study, is seen as primitive hogwash.” The doctor smiled knowingly and said, “I am quite glad you stopped by our planet.” “Me too.” “Well, I must be going, but I would like to stay in touch.” “Yes, I would like that.” “I know our paths will cross again, Augustus.” Augustus and Dr. Rudwink shook hands and went their separate ways.

Augustus was now feeling quite tired. Not physically, though. This tired was more of a spiritual drain. He knew the road ahead was going to be a difficult one. He headed back to the palace for some much needed rest.

20 The next day Queen Ogaboom decided it was time to go. Close to a week had passed, it was time to move on. As she stood with King and Queen Dargon, Nimfar, Augustus and Increase she was stating her final gesture of appreciation when ... it happened.

What is it you ask? It was one of the most serious attacks Anxious had ever seen. (I guess those predictions of war were correct.) For that matter, it was one of the greatest assaults Beta Bot had ever experienced. Beta Bot was one peaceful galaxy, like Canada but better. By our standards the attack wasn’t any big deal, but still, you’ve got to appreciate the relative anxiety it caused the people of Anxious. Do you really think that these people could handle the stress of an all out war-encrusted galaxy? Please! But before we go on, let’s get back to the mundane task of proper story telling before we get to it. Everyone quickly ran into the war room. Fortunately, the king’s desire to cut the military budget hadn’t been executed; the defense system was still intact. The palace’s shields were quickly put into place. It was discovered later that the reason the attack wasn’t picked up sooner was that the officers in charge of the tracking system had been intensely comparing the number of medals they had received for excellence in cooking. The king felt that war was not the answer, regardless of whether or not other galaxies thought so, had imperialistic intentions, bigger, badder weapons, so on and so forth. Instead of medals for bravery, honor, marksmanship, and what not the king encouraged the development of talents that would aid soldiers in their civilian life after service, service that could sometimes last several weeks. And since cooking was King Dargon’s favorite pastime, those who excelled at it got the most medals, and, should I mention, the prettiest. Actually, no one in Beta Bot ever died in combat because there never was any combat in Beta Bot. Sure, occasionally someone was punched or kicked but not much more. So why the military budget? Well, it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? First of all, it’s really neat to be able to talk strategy and strut like some war pig wannabe; I mean, the uniforms look really neat and the guns and stuff are really cool too, right? Do I have to explain the obvious? You were all kids once.

151

The king was in the war room with Nimfar and a full complement of military staff. The two queens, Augustus, and Increase were taken to the safety of the inner chambers. The king was in a tiffy. “I told you, there is no reason why we should be under attack,” pleaded the king. “I pay my staff on time. I’ve been good to the environment. I encourage equal participation amongst all peoples, even if some are poor and stupid.” “Sir, I don’t think it’s an internal attack. I think it’s coming from another planet,” said Nimfar. “Really? How can you tell?” “The spaceships, your highness.” “Oh ... yes. Very well done, Nimfar. You are certainly a man worth your hire.” Suddenly, the king looked quite concerned. “But what are we doing about the attack?” “We have the defense shields in place, your highness. They are holding the attackers at bay. We have taken only minor damage, and we have fifty battle cruisers at the ready.” “Yes, well, what are you waiting for? Attack!” “Your highness, I feel it would be best to make an attempt at contacting the aggressors, and then find out why they are attacking and whether or not they have any terms.” “Well done, Nimfar.” The king leaned in close and said quietly, “You know, you’re really good at this. Have you done this before? Maybe on Plotkin of Turnus? I’ve heard of this. It’s called diplomacy, isn’t it?” “Yes, your highness,” Nimfar said, rolling his eyes. “Oh, good. I like diplomacy” The king straightened up and said in a louder, more regal voice for all to hear, “We are going to contact the aggressors and discover their reason for the attack.”

The king looked pleased with his decision and in a quiet voice said to Nimfar, “You’ll do it for me, won’t you, Nimfar?” “If you would like, your highness.” “Yes, please. I’m not too good at first time things.” The king smiled demurely. “Lieutenant, contact the aggressors,” ordered Nimfar. “Yes, sir,” said the lieutenant, and in a moment said, “We have them on screen, sir.” “Very well.”

152

Up on the big screen, which was used to view the goings on outside the palace, appeared the ugliest and most visually abusive creature ever to make its way into the solar system. It was a creature from a race known as the Unohelix. They are a simple and idle race, not known for getting up before noon, and certainly not known for traveling to another galaxy simply to attack a peaceful nation for chump change and a little extra fodder for fireside anecdotes. However, they were prone to idiocy, so their trek may have merely been an ambition oversight. It was possible that they woke one morning and mistook themselves for Wargons, who would kill a clown if it made them laugh. Actually, laughing is very uncomfortable for the Wargons. Also it was recently discovered that belly vibrations are the main cause of cancer on Wargon. I’ve seen the report. The numbers are frightening. Anyway, Nimfar knew who these guys were and spoke to them firmly, for even though they were lazy and not too swift, they really knew how to accidentally steal superior ships and weaponry without being aware of what they had done. “My name is Nimfar. I am the king’s commander. Identify yourself,” he said looking quite annoyed. “I am the Nugatory, Chumbawumba of Wargon. Give us your women.” See, I told you so. “Our women? Why?” “We have fallen behind considerably in our housekeeping.” OK, so they weren’t a very advanced race either. “You have traveled all this way and provoked us without warning because you need cleaning help? It is within our power to crush you in seconds, and if you persist in attacking we may have to do so.” Chumbawumba began to look worried. “Oh ... don’t do that.”

I must interject here. After stating his name and purpose, I must mention what happened. I was going to tell you before but it would’ve ruined the flow of the moment (see flow above). After stating his name and purpose, Chumbawumba, actually . . . Shall I say it? Turned to those behind him and . . . Dare I say it? Giggled! What sort of obscene act was this? One who laughs in the face of someone else’s anguish? Fear? The nerve! The story.

153

“We are perfectly within our rights to do so,” said Nimfar. “You have attacked a perfectly peaceful nation without significant cause.” Nimfar paused, for Chumbawumba had turned around to talk to another Unohelix. He seemed to be searching through something. “What was that word again?” Showing mild annoyance, Nimfar said slowly, “What word?” “That sig thing. Sig—sigsnifigance ...” “Significant.” Nimfar was losing his patience. “Regardless, you must leave our air space at once or we will be forced to use aggressive measures.” Chumbawumba looked confused again. “Ah ... we’ll have to ah—er—attack.” No response. Frustrated, Nimfar said in a loud voice, “We’ll squish you like a big, fat, sloppy bug. Damnit!” “Hey! Relax,” said Chumbawumba—hands up, palms waving. “We’re trying. Give us a break. We’re even willing to look up some words now instead of asking what they mean. And why do you keep saying we’ve attacked you? We never attacked.” “Yes, you did.” “No, we didn’t.” “I’m afraid you did. What do you call these photon-beam blasts?” Nimfar said pointing to the video of Chumbawumba’s ship blasting the palace. “We did that?” Chumbawumba turned to his cohort. They whispered for a moment and under his breath said, “That’s what photon means? I thought it was some kind of camera.” Back to Nimfar, and sheepishly, “Sorry.” “Sorry! That’s all you can say? Fortunately, no one was killed, but there is damage, and if our response was not quick enough we may have had the largest wartime casualty count this galaxy has ever seen.” “Wow! How many would that be?” “Er ... one or two, but that’s beside the point,” Nimfar said sternly. “If you really need more help with cleaning you should simply ask.” “I did.” “No, you didn’t.” “Yes I did.” “No you didn’t. You said, and I quote: ‘Give us your women.’” “Did not.” “Did.” “Did not.”

154

“Now you’re just doing that on purpose.” “Am not.” “Yes you are.” “Am—” “Stop that! If you need help, we know of a planet nearby that does domestic cleaning.” “Really? Wow, you guys are alright.” “Thank you,” said the king. He whispered to Nimfar, “It’s important to put some royal authority into diplomacy. Really puts a stamp of power and command on it, don’t you think?” “Yes, your highness,” Nimfar said with resignation and extended exhale. “Who’s that,” asked Chumbawumba. “This is King Dargon,” said Nimfar. “Hello, your highness. Nice planet you have here, and I love your palace, beautiful. You got any postcards with a picture of it?” “Thank you, Chumbawumba. We do have a visitor’s center. It’s located at 1221 Dobterston, and while you’re there you can pick up a ...” Looking at Nimfar, who was now glaring at the king, he said sheepishly, “Please, continue.” Nimfar paused to collect himself and said, “I’ll give you the name of the cleaning service. They do excellent work.” “Gee, that’s great Mister Nimfar. You’ve been nothing but great.” “That’s quite alright.” Looking quite perplexed, Nimfar said, “Can I ask you something?” “Sure.” “I know your people are not known for their ... ah ... space travel. What made you come all the way to Beta Bot to find help with housecleaning?” “Don’t really know. We just happened to end up here. We were given this really neat ship by the Klingons, and we got so much into cloaking and uncloaking that we just lost track of where we were.” Nimfar exhaled slowly. “I see. Well, I am told that the information has been sent to your ship. I wish you success in your ... cleaning endeavors.” “Thanks, Nimfar. You’ve been great.” “Your welcome. Good travels.” “Goodbye, King Dargon.”

155

“Goodbye, Chumbawumba.” And just like that the crisis was over. Now, I’ve followed through on my promise. I did say the ride

was going to get rocky, and it did, relatively speaking. It wasn’t WWII, but when you’ve never had a war it may as well have been. So, now we get onto the soul stuff: soul searching, growth of the soul, intricacies of the soul. Why does the soul exist? What does it all mean? And why is the word that represents something that is so important to our existence sound just like the word that describes that which resides in an unpleasant shoe and gets banged on day, after day, after day? Could be a message there, you know. I’ll let you work it out. Anyway, I hope you’ll stick around and not accidentally put this book down by the campfire when you’re making smorz or roasting marshmallows and burn it to ashes. Actually, you’ll be dying to see how it ends, so you’ll have to buy another book anyway ... Say! that means more money for me, doesn’t it? So go ahead and put it nice and close to the fire. Closer ... Closer ... That’s it! Oh, life is nothing but a bowl full of book residuals, bomb fires and big, big, book residuals. Yes siree, bombastic book residuals for me. Everyone sing!

21 Everyone was back on board the ship, and as it left Anxious there was a feeling of relief amongst the crew. Even though Queen Ogaboom’s troops had been in much more dangerous situations, just the mere anxiety generated by the people of Anxious caused them to feel, well ... anxious. As I said, this was the Anxians first encounter with the potential mayhem of war, and I guess if you’ve been swinging a ten ounce bat most of your life and then one day step up to the plate with a forty ounce, swinging from your toes, Mark McGwire Louisville slugger extraordinaire, then it might put you a little off balance. These people were a little off balance to begin with—you know what I mean—and by making them nervous by exposing them to the complexities of war, now you merely have the silly with issues. Actually, this type of being is very common; I refer you to politicians on planet earth as a point of reference. Back to the story. Queen Ogaboom was sitting in the arboretum enjoying the warmth and organic essence of the plants. The room was kept moist and warm to preserve the plants, which were collected from across the universe. Queen Ogaboom returned to the arboretum when she was in need of recharging her Derivatianess, or when she needed other organic life to strengthen and reinforce her primal source. As the queen relaxed, Augustus walked into the solarium, desiring much of that which the queen sought there. He walked over to her and realized, more so than any other time, how much Increase looked like her mother. The queen didn’t seem more than a few years older than her daughter, and Augustus began to imagine being married to Increase with little ones running about. He was lost in his reverie when the queen spoke. “Hello, Augustus. It is beautiful in here, isn’t it?” Augustus slowly came out of his haze, and for a dizzying second he saw Increase as he looked at the queen. He quickly adjusted his perception to match that of reality. “Hello, Queen Ogaboom. Yes, it is beautiful.” “Please, Augustus, call me Zebedee. I am not really fond of my title to begin with, and since you may someday be family I suggest you get used to it.” Augustus’ heart nearly jumped out of his chest. “I’m sorry?” he said nervously.

157

“I have eyes, you know. I’ve seen love before, and I know what it looks like, especially when it is earnest. I had the same for my husband.” Seizing the opportunity to put the focus elsewhere, Augustus said, “Where is the king? I’ve never heard you mention him.” “He and I had a parting of the ways, and this trip was a good opportunity to allow for some time to think things through. Being king and queen puts quite a damper on any idea of separation.” “Is he back on Doufear?” “Yes,” said the queen, and then she looked at Augustus inquisitively and said, “Have you enjoyed your travels so far?” “Oh, I could never have imagined such sights and events. I am totally in your debt for everything.” “You are welcome.” Moving onto another subject she said, “I never asked you about your visit to the Royal Academy of Science, what did you think? Was there anything that sparked an interest?” Augustus paused. He wasn’t sure if he should tell the queen about his personal revelation. After all, she had invited him along to aid in her planet’s recovery of lost scientific data. How would she feel if he were to tell her that he now had considerable doubt about the importance of science in general? “Something is troubling you?” asked the queen. “Please tell me, and be completely honest, for the one thing that truly offends me is dishonesty.” “Well ...” Augustus paused. “When I was at the academy I was struck with an interesting personal revelation.” At this the queen perked up.

“Go on,” she said. “The professor I spoke to told me what he and the other professors were working on. They are attempting to come up with a unified theory that will explain and predict all phenomena. When he made this statement a very strong impression came over me. It was most unusual. And it’s not like I haven’t heard of this theory before; it’s also familiar to earth’s scientists. What struck me as strange is the deterministic aspect of the theory as it pertains to man, or other intelligent beings, and the belief that we will eventually be able to predict not only outward physical phenomena but the actions of man via this unified theory. I’ve talked about this before and the fact that I feel that there is only one being that has the superior mental faculties to

158

accomplish this, but this time the experience was much more profound. I’ve understood it intellectually but this time more ... experientially. Does that make sense?” “Yes,” the queen nodded calmly, not wanting to disrupt Augustus’ flow of thought.

“The logistics of determining future events with our limited faculties are unimaginable,” Augustus continued, caught up in thought. “Man with his finite mind and limited data acquisition and retention capabilities would never be able to accomplish such a feat without the cumbersome assistance of mathematics. Even then it would be like an ant trying to keep up with a jaguar. Besides, there is the principle of uncertainty that dictates that we can only estimate specific outcome. And I believe this is God’s way of saying, don’t worry about particles and matter, the answer lies elsewhere.” A small smile appeared on the queen’s lips, unobserved by the occupied Augustus. “Now, this desire to use the rational mind to discover the purpose of the universe and our place in it has made me think. I believe that the thing that lies at the core of modern man’s downfall—and other contemporary beings, as well—is that we have come to rely too much on the rational and have forgotten that we are emotional and spiritual based beings. We can rationalize all we want and argue subjective point counter point until we are blue in the face, but it gets us nowhere. It never has and I believe it never will. If everyone is stuck on his way of seeing things—and this is encouraged by society—then what you have are individuals standing alone and not individuals bonding as a mutually supporting and self-perpetuating group. Christ said that one should not contend one with another, for we are here to love, not to push our wants and desires and opinions down each other’s throats. I have seen this mindset bear itself out on talk shows, in political forums, in schoolyards and elsewhere, and the only thing it encourages is strife and destruction of the soul.” Augustus paused and looked at the queen. “That is most profound, Augustus, especially coming from a young man of your age. Do you see how unusual it is?” “Yes, I do,” said Augustus. He looked at his feet for a moment and then looked at the queen with concern and said, “Are you bothered by my sudden lack of faith in science? Considering that’s why you brought me here.” “Is it?”

159

Augustus looked puzzled. “I don’t understand.” “Do you think I would invite someone to my planet who I knew nothing about? A boy who merely tells me he has an interest in science, and based on that I decide that he can help my scientists, who have not only superior resources to pull from but years more experience? Do you think we would be so proud that we would traverse the universe looking to regain a map of the stars ourselves instead of asking neighboring beings for that same information? Or that the queen would go along on such a trivial journey?” “I’m not sure I get your meaning.” “Not that I don’t think that you have an excellent mind, one that can be used in the field of science, as well as elsewhere, but being practical, I had no evidence after our brief meeting that you would be able to contribute to our science significantly.” The queen rubbed her chin and looked thoughtful. “When I was young, there was great talk about an Augur who would come from another galaxy.” “Beta Bot,” interjected Augustus. “Yes.” The queen smiled and continued. “There was talk that he would be the most influential Augur of all time, and that as a young man he would have the insight of an ancient Augur. It was known beforehand who he was and his origin. I remember stories being told about his training, how it would involve travels through time and space, and how specifically trained mentors and instructors would be there to meet him and guide him without his being aware of who they were, or even of his own potential and eventual post.” Augustus looked at the queen with growing curiosity and wonder. “His training would extend throughout his childhood but would become intensified when he turned fifteen. At this point he would go through several years of intensive training pertaining to those things spiritual. He would learn quickly, and it was known that in a short period of time he would pass his mentors. They would become counselors as his insights exceeded theirs. The teachers would become the taught. It was also known that his origins were in Beta Bot but soon after his birth would go to the galaxy that nurtured as mother’s milk, for he is the great nurturer—one of great humility and compassion, born of great trials and an even greater heart. So you can see, Augustus, that I did not bring you along for your scientific insights, those which I

160

knew little about, but more for that which has been talked of throughout the centuries and made evident to me through the Augurs of my time.” Augustus sat in complete silence. He didn’t know if he would ever be able to move again. Me, he thought, the great Augur? This has to be some kind of mistake, or elaborate joke--much too elaborate. Putting her hand on his shoulder the queen said, “I know that this is a bit much to put on the shoulders of a young man who hasn’t even graduated from high school, especially one who wasn’t even aware of his calling, but many a great leader began at a tender age.”

She paused briefly, looking for the right words. “It was also necessary for your development and growth that

you were not made aware of your calling until now, for you have learned of the common man, and you have been taught as he has been taught, for they are the ones who you will serve throughout your life. It is the humble who knows those things pertaining to the eternities, not the man of temporal substance sitting separate and superior but he who knows what lies at the heart, at the foundation of man.” Augustus remained motionless, listening closely to all that he heard, hoping that eventually it would seem like it was him that she was talking about, not some far off pie in the sky fairytale of a man. “You have been ordained at the foundation of man to your calling. You were aware of your preordination before you came to this life, and only was that knowledge washed away when you arrived, so that you could learn those things that were necessary for your growth and gain, so that you may lead in humility and build the powers of hope. Even your name, Augustus, speaks of the greatness of Augur—he who will lead in righteousness.” Augustus remained immobilized. “But ... but ... why me? I’m no great shakes. What makes me so special? I’m just a very simple kid. I don’t have any superhuman mental or physical powers.” “If you did, you would not have the great humility that you exhibit,” said the queen. “In order to be given great power you have to learn of the responsibility and consequences of wielding such power. Such power is earned not merely given away. One must realize that superior knowledge and physical strength are not paramount to man. What is essential and of importance is the compassion one imparts to another. And the only way one can learn of this compassion is to be put in situations where one goes without it, where one hurts so severely

161

from its lack that one can only desire to dedicate his life to making sure that others will never go without it. This is the lesson and this is your life.” After a short time Augustus began to speak in slow, measured words. “I understand now. It is all becoming clear. You are right; helping others not to be as I’ve been is the only thing that matters to me. Science and things of the mind are interesting, and add great variety to life, yet service is the only thing that provides superior satisfaction and purpose. It’s actually the only time I’ve felt completely satisfied. When I don’t do these things I can feel myself turning inward and becoming less content and self-serving. I do understand what you are saying. I do.” “You proved your understanding well at the Concessions of Consilience Conference,” said the queen. Turning quickly toward the queen, Augustus blurted, “You were there?” “Yes,” said the queen nodding her head slowly, “and the main reason we went to Anxious was not to see my brother but to allow you the opportunity to practice and develop your skills and understanding. It was no mere coincidence that we landed on Anxious one day before the conference.” OK, now the cat’s out of the bag. So she may also know that she’s in the galaxy of Beta Bot. Ya think? “But how did you know I was going to say anything at the conference?” “I know who you are and where you are in your development. There was a much greater chance of you getting up and speaking than not. Actually, all indicators said that you couldn’t resist.” Augustus looked at his feet as thoughts swirled in his head. “Come along, Augustus, it is getting late. We will have plenty of time to discuss things when we get to Doufear.” Without thinking, Augustus said, “Yes, mother.” The queen smiled and gathered him to her side as they walked to the inner chambers of the ship.

22 So, everybody was getting some big blocks of well-needed rest. And the rotund ship was wafting along famously as everyone slept peacefully—with the exception of the crew that was navigating—when something a little odd happened. Let me set things up first, before we go any further. Setting up is a rather standard and reasonably accepted thing that we do to help people visualize in their mind’s eye something neat that we saw or to impart information that will enable them to be impressed by something we’ve done or have accomplished. I’m going with the former, since you all know how impressive I am already. Now ... Commander Hydrox had turned in for some shuteye, along with most of the crew. There was only a skeleton detail on deck, and they were a little bleary eyed to boot. To be totally honest, there was only one fully conscious entity on board at the moment, and it was a Gerund named Melfar. Now, I’m not going into too much detail about Mel (that’s what his friends call him, and nobody calls him that, so there you go) because he’s not going to appear in the story again, but I figured you might be interested in him; he’s kind of a quirky fellow, and, besides, this description helps set up the scene that is about to unfold. As I’ve mentioned, he’s from the planet Gerund, which is a happening place, or a place and a happening. And he is a very kind and open being; however, when it comes to brains he is painfully lacking, and how he was left the lone conscious entity in control of the ship is beyond me—and you too, I’m sure. So there he was going about his routine a dum-de-dumming it at sub light speed. He had not a care in the world, and this was not a good thing. For you see, if you think about it, considering that he held the lives of all on board in the tips of his gelatinous upper extremities, it should have made him a little concerned—that is, if he was at all aware of what a life is. I know by now you’re probably wondering about a few things. I’ll go into more detail a little later. If what I tell you doesn’t clear things up please hold your questions until the pre-test review on this chapter next week. You’ll catch on. Don’t worry. Well, we better check back on our life-challenged friend, shall we? It’s a good thing we did. Now hold on there fella! Don’t put your drink near that control—you drinker wannabe—because if you do

163

you may send a signal that you don’t really want sent. You keep looking at it like you’re remembering something, but you can’t quite put a finger on it—or, should I say, a fair representation thereof. You ask yourself, is this the buzzer for service? Will I now get wax added to my car wash? Gee, I’m quite confused, you think to yourself absentmindedly. Absentmindedly, because if you dealt with what was right in front of you now you would have a coronary, and coronaries are not high on your list of things to do, are they? But soon you will have to deal with the problem, and coronary you will have, a coronary you must. Look Mel! Look at the big screen where you can glimpse the wonderful world outside the friendly confines of the warm little ship you’re in. The warm little ship that currently consists of materials that are maintaining certain atomic densities and cohesiveness, which most on board would like to keep as such. And if you neglect your responsibilities and something bad occurs it could jeopardize their current state of comfy. Look Mel! It’s a message from another life form, one that could be heard if you turned up the volume on the console speakers. Or, should I say, if you looked up at the screen and saw the fellow there and then had a sudden jolt of courage which allowed you to bypass your paralyzing fear so that you could open a frequency. But you won’t, and you don’t, so here we go ... Berrrrrrrp, berrrrrrp, cheeeeep, cheeeeep, berrrrrrrrrp, beeep, or something like that. This was the sound Mel made when he subconsciously knew something was wrong but wouldn’t confess it to his conscious mind, or, should I say, circuits. Did I mention Mel is a machine? No? Sorry. Well, he is. Now, I did mention that his hands are gelatinous, didn’t I? The cause for this state is due to the fluid leaking from the base of his neck—which is in serious need of repair—down his arms onto his hands. It may be machine fluid, but to Mel it’s sweat. It seems that Mel, in his desire to be human, has sought to replicate certain aspects of human physiology. He actually partially unscrewed his head so that he could pretend the fluid was sweat, and, of course, this has caused circuitry problems he’s quite unaware of at this point. As I mentioned previously, he is from the planet Gerund, where work usually done by machines on earth—dispensing gum, crunching numbers, processing information, manufacturing cars—are done by organic, human-like

164

beings. And Mel, a big fan of these organic machines (he was often seen at the movies being quite demure with a lilting and dramatically decorated gumball dispenser), often pined for the day he could eat food, sweat, shave, and even catch an occasional disease. He thought getting sick was one of the best things that could happen to anyone, anything or any Gerrundian. He told his friends on Gerund, “What it must be like to sweat, toss and turn, and ache. Ohhhhhhh aching, how I dream of feeling the sweet nectar of pain then its subsiding and removal only to fully appreciate and understand the joy, comfort and pleasure of good health.” He was certainly a romantic. Well, let’s get back to our nervous Mel and the unfolding scene, shall we? Remember the control that he accidentally put his drink on? Well, by doing so he activated a message buoy, which could have any number of messages in it, depending on what was placed there last. Unfortunately, the last one was a threatening message to the Wargons. Remember the Wargons? Remember the Unohelix and how I said they were attacking (which they weren’t) because they may have mistook themselves for Wargons? Remember how Nimfar got Chumbawumba and the rest of the Unohelix some nice house cleaners to help them with their domestic quandary? And how the king felt it was neat that he could exert his authority, which he felt would put the royal stamp on the proceedings? On the sly, while Nimfar was negotiating with Chumbawumba, King Dargon had motioned to an aid to put a threatening message to the Wargons in the buoy, because he felt others might be along soon and he wanted to discourage similar aggressive actions, even though the aggressive actions were those of the Unohelix done so by mistake. But you see the king was also fooled into thinking that the Unohelix were Wargons. Silly king. Silly Unohelix. Regardless, the buoy had been sent into space by accident when Mel hit the control that releases it, and now a Wargon ship had intercepted the message and was calling to notify Mel’s ship—if I can be so bold as to call it that—that he and all on it were soon going to be blasted out of existence. Even though the queen’s ship did not hail from the planet Anxious it had recently left there and that was close enough for the Wargons. Hey, they’d pop a tiger lily in the stamen if its pollinating was seen as particularly elegant or graceful. Why? Don’t ask me. They’re just mean folk. Now, Wargons may be a little war happy, or gone on war—where their name comes from—but they are not wanting when it comes

165

to protocol. Not that those in Mel’s ship would have a better chance of surviving because of the notification, but it just might be nice to know why you’ve been blasted out of the sky, a warmongers courtesy if nothing else. Now, fortunately for those on board, Augustus was having a little trouble sleeping, and just as the Wargon was about to discontinue communication and blast the ship, he opened up a hailing frequency (remember Star Trek?) and caught the Wargon’s attention. “My good sir, may I be of assistance?” inquired Augustus. Augustus didn’t know the specifics of the problem at hand, but he had a serious feeling that something was wrong, which had prompted him to act with haste. The Wargon took a long look at Augustus before he spoke. “You’re not from around here, are you?” “No,” said Augustus. “Where are you from?” “Earth.” “Where’s that?” Hang in there. This conversation may take up a lot of paper. Get those page flipping muscles limber. “The Milky Way Galaxy.” “Where’s that?” Bear with me. It’ll get more interesting. Trust me. “It’s in the fourth quadrant perpendicular to Alpha Penultema, some fourteen trillion miles.” He’s just guessing here. But a good guess by my standards. Go Augustus! “Oh.” That was the Wargon. Extended pause. Real long pause.

Hey, buddy, how about some brain activity! “You wanna die?” There ya go. Augustus? “It’s not on the top of my list.” Good reply.

Now, you know about Wargons and humor, right? You know that laughing to them is very carcinogenic, right? Well, this Wargon was trying to decide whether or not Augustus was being funny or sarcastic. If he was funny like a clown, well, you know what happens.

166

But if he was being sarcastic, the Wargon was going to give Augustus a break and he might even start to like him a little. Just a little, and then he’d kill him. The Wargon spoke. “Errrrrrrrrahh.” Actually he grunted. Something they do if they are pleased. There’s a difference between being pleased and laughing. And if it was the former, it might actually give Augustus and the ship’s crew a few more minutes of life. You never know what you can do with a few more minutes of life in a life-threatening situation, until you get them. Augustus decided to let the Wargon speak first. He felt that by letting him control the situation it might diffuse things a bit. He was really getting a feeling for this diplomacy stuff. Oh, and let’s not forget Mel. All this time he’s been paralyzed like a marooned ship’s clamped down and rusted shut escape hatch. His wiring hadn’t sent a signal. He was one up tight tin can, but more on him later. Let’s get back to the confrontation. “You’re alright,” said the Wargon. Wow! This was unusual. Augustus may even get a reprieve. “Er,” intoned Augustus. At this the Wargon merely shook his head slowly, as if in deep contemplation. “Now you will die.” OK, so no reprieve. “Do you feel this necessary,” said Augustus. “It is in our blood.” “Maybe it’s time for a transfusion.” Once again, sarcasm or humor? The Wargon mulled it over. “You are an interesting creature,” said the Wargon. “We often destroy that which is useless and hunt that which is a challenge. We will give you a head start, then we will kill you.” “You honor us, but what ...” Augustus wasn’t able to finish his sentence because the screen went blank. He tried several times to reestablish a connection, but to no avail. He knew that there was only one thing to do. Panic. OK, panic and then wake everyone up. He hurried over to the red alert button and slammed his hand down. In a matter of seconds the entire crew was awake and the command deck was storming with activity.

167

“What is going on?” said Commander Hydrox, all bleary eyed and stumbling. “A Wargon ship is giving us a head start before they come after us to blast us out of space,” said Augustus as he fumbled with the controls. “We have to get out of here. It doesn’t matter where, but we have to get out of here.”

“Alright,” warbled Commander Hydrox. “Lieutenant Numlock, hail that Wargon ship.” “Yes, Commander.” “Ensign Caplock, set a course bearing six, five, seven-nine at warp nine.”

“Yes, Commander.” “Lieutenant Scrollock, get life-science up here immediately.” “Yes, Commander.” The crewmembers hurriedly went about their duty, and in a matter of seconds the life-science officer was on deck and reported to Commander Hydrox. “Yes, sir,” said the life-science officer. “Spot, I need to know the weaknesses of the Wargons when it comes to battle.” “I—I—don’t know, sir.” “What?” “My home planet, Hephaestus, went through a period of education reform the year I was to study them. The Hephaestus chamber of commerce deleted Wargons from the canon and added Wookies in their stead.”

“That is most unfortunate,” said Commander Hydrox. “If I may interject, Commander,” said Augustus. “By all means.” “I believe we may be able to use our superior intellect to overcome the Wargons.” “Please, go on.” “The Wargon I spoke to, who I assume is one of their commanding officers, took a liking to me. I may yet be able to persuade him to follow my lead. I have an idea. If you will give me your permission, Commander.”

Without hesitation Commander Hydrox said, “Yes, of course. Numlock, lend Augustus’ voice to the hailing of that ship.” “Yes, Commander.”

168

At this point Queen Ogaboom and Increase appeared on deck. The first thing they saw was the quite unattractive countenance of the Wargon. The queen knew that this could only mean trouble and that such a situation required swift and delicate diplomacy, that which she knew Augustus had in his possession. “Yes, earthling,” said the Wargon to Augustus. “I’m sorry to bother you in the middle of a good hunt, but there is something I’ve been wondering.” “Yes, earthling.” “How long has it been since you’ve spoken to your mother?” At this the Wargon was taken aback. For a moment it looked like he just might blast the ship out of existence right then and there. But after a few moments his face lightened and he spoke. “I—I—cannot say.” “Well, I thought it had been some time.” “How did you know?” “Your attitude.” “How do you mean?” The Wargon seemed really intrigued, like he might want to learn something—a most unusual thing in a Wargon. If it wasn’t weaponry, torture, or universal domination they generally didn’t care to know about it. “Well, the Wargons I’ve met have really been quite admirable in their desire to follow the standards set forth by intergalactic protocol. And their cooperation can only mean that they have their mother’s love in their hearts as they desire to fulfill all in righteousness.” At this the Wargon took exception, but then realized that he had no idea what Augustus was talking about. “This intergalactic protocol, is it new?” Once again, if it didn’t pertain to war and warlike stuff, then more than likely Wargons didn’t know about it. (Of course, they were cognizant of basic war protocol—like a warning before killing—but that was just done out of habit, no major forethought here. Kind of like a ‘bless you’ after a sneeze. Does anyone really have the authority to bless a sneezer? I think not. What? at some point in your benevolent career you were benighted St. Cold Slayer or something? Story.) It seems, however, that this Wargon actually had intellectual curiosity, but how he got past the PIT Agents (Perpetuators of Immorality and Thoughtlessness) of Wargon was a mystery.

169

“Certainly not,” said Augustus. “It’s been around since the dawn of beaming up and down and warp speed.” “I didn’t know that.” “That is right; however, a warrior of your importance should not concern himself with such things, never mind one of such a superior race.”

At this the Wargon actually began to look, shall we say, rather teary eyed?

“Are you alright, my friend,” said Augustus. That did it. Now he was amidst the throws of a full out balling

session. “I,” sniffle, sniffle, “have never had anyone call me friend, nor

speak to my importance.” Braaaaaap. Sniffle. “Why, it is obvious how special you are. Those who have failed

to mention this should be ashamed of their neglect of the obvious. How callous and heartless can one be?

Burble, burble ... Braaaaaap. The Wargon was making quite a mess, but what could he do?

There was no such thing as tissues on Wargon. Hey, they’re all about killin’ not cryin’.

“I am grateful for your words. We do not hear such words on our planet.”

“Is that so,” said Augustus, as he leaned on the console, supporting his face with open hands, extending pinkies over pursed lips.

“Yes, you see, we really are not expressive of any, as you earthlings call them, nurturing emotions.”

Ah, this guy’s been studying on the sly. Hey PIT agents, not doing your job? Or maybe some of you are getting soft and are letting this kind of “learning” go. I’m going to have to speak to your superiors. This is an outrage! I can’t let this ... Sorry. Story.

“Go on,” said Augustus, “tell me about it.” The Wargon leaned back in his chair and placed his feet on the

console in front of him. “You see, it all goes back to an ancient ritual which all Wargon

children experience at eight months. We are initiated into the cold harsh reality of the universe by being thrown into a semi-frozen river—one that must be moving at some fifteen knots, at least. The child then

170

must survive the cold and the ride downstream some fifteen hundred meters. If this occurs, then it is ready for life as a true Wargon warrior.”

“I see,” said Augustus. “Do you visit your folks often? How do you relate to them? If I may be so bold, my good friend.”

The Wargon pursed his lips and seemed to actually bring his cheeks up to what could be mistaken for a one-eight to one-quarter smile. Just a nudge in that direction. Let’s see if his white blood cell count has dropped off any.

“Yes, of course. We are taken from our parents at the twelfth year and are trained as warriors. We never see our parents again. We may talk to them, but extensive contact is discouraged.”

“You are allowed to see them then; it is not forbidden?” “No.”

“Do you desire to be with them,” said Augustus leaning forward, head on open palms.

“Yes,” roaring sobs, “there is nothing more that I desire.” “And this warring?” “It sucks.” “I see, then why don’t you go back home and contact your

parents and tell them how much you love them and how much you miss them. I think it will warm up that nasty little sub-zero abyss in your heart, my good friend. Now, be of good cheer, and remember that you are loved. All you need do is seek it and it will find you.”

“Thank you, earthling.” And at this the Wargon ship turned tail and sped away as

quickly as it possibly could, so that all on board could get home and embrace their moms and dads. Something that they all had wanted to do for some time but had held onto their desires like a bunch of macho adolescents watching a movie at school who laugh during the scene where the little boy’s dog gets killed (or insert your favorite animal here). They do so because it’s not “cool” to care, but if they’d lost a mom or dad, well, those are the silent ones. And if the laughing adolescents only knew how sad they could really be without a mom or dad around, and even though they may yell and ground you a lot, it sure beats being a warring, wailing Wargon with a wanting heart any day of the week.

So Augustus was able to help the Wargons bring some love into their lives. He actually began a trend that ended up saving the universe some extensive aggravation. It seems that over time the Wargons could

171

have easily become more and more and more mean. They were even planning on conquering the universe in an effort to purge themselves of some serious hate build up. But Augustus turned things around and the Wargons became quite a lovely race over the centuries, contributing considerable amounts of time to intergalactic charities and fund raising events. Now, I promised I’d give you a little more on Mel, our machine friend. He finally was able to relax enough so that he was able to pull away from the console and actually move a wiring or two, so to speak. He was so impressed with Augustus’ handling of the situation that he started to feel a little something welling up in his inferior circuitry. He decided that he didn’t have to be human in order to function at optimum capacity. He felt that maybe he should just screw his head back on and try his best at being all that he could be within the confines of that which his designers intended. And as he did so, he started to feel some warmth flow through his circuitry. It didn’t happen right off, but eventually he accepted his failings and by doing so he began to feel more and more secure in his role as crew member and machine, as well as his position within the cosmic realm of things. So anyway, all worked out well, not only for the welfare of those on board, due to Augustus and his ability to diffuse things between his ship and the Wargons, but Mel excelled in things also. Dare I say, spiritual things? Regardless, things were progressing nicely, and it was now time to set down on the planet Doufear.

23 It was a nice sized planet, as sizes of planets go. Outside of this, Augustus noticed the weather. If one judged perfect weather based on how one could feel comfortable with minimal clothing, this was it. It was minimal clothing warm. The sun shone brilliantly and reflected itself in the general dispositions of the Derivatians. The ship couldn’t be brought down to the planet because of its size, so it remained in space, orbiting Doufear like a small moon. Well, it may be a small moon for Doufear, but it’s actually a big moon for earthlings. Increase had told Augustus that when they landed she would show him all the neat sights and sounds. There was much to do and see, but the first order of business was to get Augustus settled.

The city itself was quite immense. Augustus was reminded of how it looked a lot like New York, but futuristic, of course. However, there were no flying cars or vehicles in the excess. Public transportation was the mode of travel. It appears advanced civilizations promote the concept of being frugal. There were, however, some expected futurisms, so to speak. You know, like stuff we wouldn’t see on earth and the like.

Point of note, I’m only giving you people this information because I kinda feel guilty about not providing enough of a sense of place throughout. I guess all this talk about love and stuff is getting to me. Let’s just say I’m in a giving mood. Dig.

Just a few of these futurisms for ya, OK? There were postal delivery pods—floating robotized

apparatuses—that delivered the mail to people in transit. Hey, it could be an important message from your Aunt Marge! With the PDP’s, the Derivatians had basically done away with mail theft. There was no way you could steal mail from a PDP. You were ID’ed through retinal, voice and dance recognition. Hey, no two people have the same moves. Believe me. It’s like snowflakes.

And if you had to sneeze and you didn’t have a hanky, the pleasantry patrol would provide—basically, a station one could stop at to be administered to. The pleasantry patrol could also provide small change, a shoelace, hat, extra billfold, bib or pacifier for the kid, directions (if you had forgotten your directional device at home), slap

173

on the back, or a slap up side the head—if you needed to remind an accompanying loved one to keep his hands and eyes solely on you.

Then there were the behemoth omnitroniscopters that floated around the city. These were basically temporary homebuilders for people who were homesick. Yes, kindness knows no expense. These things were huge, oblong robotized devices that would scan the metropolis looking for the homesick. And if they found you, they would read that part of your homesick mind that displayed the necessary layout and build accordingly. Within there would be hologram projectors providing you with the necessary relations. You would enter, hang out for a while, get your fix, and be on your way. Subsequently, in minutes the home is dismantled, on to the next customer. A very advanced society, to say the least.

OK, you’ve had your descriptional fill, let’s get back to the kids. Increase and Augustus had traversed the city to the palace,

which was a rather quaint structure, to say the least. Maybe the size of a small city library—two floors, some twenty-seven rooms (mostly bedrooms for the kids). No biggie. These people were about getting things done, not impressing one another, so grow up, will ya?

Increase was walking with Augustus from the public trans pod to the palace, just a few hundred feet away. (Ok, so royalty don’t have to take the larger, crowded public trans tube. Hey, they’re royalty. Would our royalty take the “public” anything? I rest my case.) As they walked, it was difficult for Augustus not to notice the stares. “Why are these people staring at me?”

“It’s not every day you get to see an earthling. We’ve only imagined what one would look like in our movies.” Then Increase said in a monotone voice, “Derivatian, take me to your leader.” Increase laughed, but when she looked at Augustus he was very somber. “Do they know about me?”

“About the great Milky Way Hope?” Increase asked. “Yeah,” responded Augustus. “There are some who believe, and then there are others who feel the story is a bunch of hooey. I picked up that word from one of your television transmissions. It’s amazing what you can learn from a planet’s entertainment.” Augustus still looked pensive.

174

“Don’t worry,” said Increase, “it’s not like on earth where great spiritual leaders get mobbed like rock stars. Derivatians are very respectful of their leaders. Plus, they don’t admire them like some star struck puppy. Got that from your TV, too. Besides, my mother didn’t tell anyone where she was really going or what she was going to be doing. I didn’t know the full story myself, until you and mother talked to me on the ship. But to tell you the truth, I knew something was special about you, and it wasn’t just your pretty face.” This made Augustus blush. “You’ve got to believe mother. When she told you the three of us are the only ones who know, she meant it. People are just staring because you look different. It has nothing to do with who you are because nobody knows.” Augustus brightened up. “I guess you’re right,” said Augustus. “Besides,” said Increase, “mother said that it was important for you to meet the Odyssian priests and for you to take some time getting used to being here, and, also, your time hasn’t come quite yet, as far as the universe knowing about you is concerned.” By this time, they were inside the palace walking through the foyer when Augustus stopped. “You’re right,” Augustus said, turning so that he was facing Increase squarely. “I just want to say how much I appreciate all that you’ve done for me, but, most of all, just the mere fact that you care about me is something that I don’t think I could ever take for granted. You are very special to me.” Increase lowered her gaze and said, “You are very special to me too, Augustus.” “And I know,” said Augustus, “that if I am going to do something important that there is no way I could ever do any of it without you.” This made Increase smile shyly, and as she did so Augustus leaned over and gave her a gentle kiss upon the cheek. “Ahem,” said the throat-clearing intruder. Increase and Augustus looked up to see a young woman standing and looking at them with raised eyebrows. It was one of Increase’s sisters, Council. “I hope we won’t be seeing too much of this public display of affection,” she said looking at them with a wry smile. “Only upon request,” said Augustus.

175

“Then I will have to remember not to make one.” She paused and said, “Mother would like to see you two,” and quietly turned and left. “She’s not one for conversation, is she?” said Augustus. “She’s not much of a talker, but she is wise beyond her years, and I love her very much. Well, we better get going. One thing you don’t want to do is keep mother waiting. Believe me.” They arrived at Queen Ogaboom’s meeting quarters and knocked on her door. She answered from within and told them to enter. In this room, the queen took care of business. It was not stately and impressive, maybe the size of your average personal library. Numerous books lined the shelves. There were a few stately statues, urns, lamps and such but nothing in the extreme. Behind a large desk made of a dark wood like material, Derivatian in nature, sat the queen. In one of the chairs opposite her sat a very distinguished gentleman. He struck Augustus as being very spiritual and guessed he must be a priest. Rising from her chair, the queen said, “Augustus, this is Obadee. He is an Odyssian priest.” “Pleasure to make your acquaintance,” said Augustus, taking the man’s hand. “The pleasure is mine,” said Obadee. “And, of course, you know my daughter, Increase,” said the queen. “Yes, good day Increase.” “Good day, Obadee.” “Obadee,” said the queen, “has studied your earth’s religions, and I told him that you wouldn’t mind discussing them with him.” “It would be a pleasure,” said Augustus. “Good,” said the queen. “Obadee, if you wouldn’t mind waiting outside for a moment, I’d like to talk to Augustus.” “That would be fine, Zebedee.” Obadee arose and bowed to the queen, and then smiled politely at Increase and Augustus. The queen waited for Obadee to depart and close the door. “He does not know anything about you, Augustus,” she said, “other than you are from earth and that you would be willing to answer some questions on earth’s religions. I desire your development to progress naturally, without distraction or interference from expectation. All will happen in due time, taking its proper course.”

176

Augustus felt the queen’s urgency and said quickly, “I understand. Then I will be on my way.”

“Good. Increase and I will see you when you get back.” Augusts and Obadee left the palace and walked towards the priest’s chambers, which were only a few structures distance from the palace. Upon arrival, Augustus saw many others who had a similar bearing to Obadee’s. These were males of significant spiritual demeanor. They walked and talked like each thought and deed was being weighed carefully. This made Augustus feel awkward, considering that he was supposed to be the next great spiritual leader. If he was supposed to lead, then why was he the one who felt like he should be doing the following? He was glad about the queen’s decision not to tell anyone who he was, and he was also starting to see more fully the great wisdom of the queen. However, he was feeling only more insecure about his role as leader in any capacity. They arrived at Obadee’s room and moved within. The room was small with books and artifacts scattered about. There was a single bed next to a small desk and chair by a window overlooking a courtyard. Obadee sat on the bed and motioned Augustus to the chair.

Augustus was so self-conscious about his extensive lack of spiritual experience that he sat down slowly, so as to not make a fool of himself by tumbling onto the floor into a tangled heap of sweating insecurity.

There you go, Augustus. Deep breathes. Lock the knees aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand ... you made it. OK. He is safely seated. We may continue.

Obadee settled into the bed and looked apprehensively at Augustus. He wore a gold lamé tunic studded with armasian spectulans and such (symbols of deep significance to Odyssian priests). He was a man who appeared to be in his late fifties, by earth standards.

Maybe life expectancy on Doufear is two hundred years and he’s actually ninety something, who knows? I’m omnipresent not omniscient, that’s my dad. You ask him. I’ve got a story to tell.

Obadee has something on his mind. Let’s get to it. “It is interesting,” said Obadee, “even though I am told that you are from earth, your look speaks of different beginnings.” “You feel that my birthplace is not of earth?” “Yes, but where? I’m not sure. I have not quite put my finger on it, but when I first saw you at the palace I was struck with this

177

impression. It is something I will have to ponder.” Obadee paused, cleared his throat and said, “Now, I am grateful that you are willing to take the time to consider my inquiries for response.” “I am honored to do so for such a reverent man as yourself, but I am sure I will be the one learning more from our discussion.” Obadee looked at Augustus with a slight and warm smile and said, “That is very gracious of you, and also said with great diplomacy. Have you had any such formal training in these matters on earth?” “Not specifically, but I have had the recent fortune to be blessed with several instructors who have enhanced my sensitivity toward such matters.” “Interesting, then you learn quickly.” Changing the subject, Obadee said, “Now, that which I wish to discuss with you does not relate to specific questions about your earth’s religions, but it is a question of a more general nature. I have noted that going back in your earth’s history several thousand years that there was, at the time, a handful of religious denominations, or major religions, and now there are hundreds if not thousands of sects that have branched off of them. I understand mostly because the country you come from, America, is governed by a philosophy that encourages freedom of thought, thus religion. But even elsewhere, over time, religions have proliferated. Why more than one interpretation? Why more than one god? Why so many groups to worship your gods?” “The belief of freedom of religion is very important to my people, Americans. Over the years, governments throughout our world have tried to suppress religious beliefs; however, ultimately, the freedom to choose how to worship and what to worship is winning.” “But why so many gods,” said Obadee, “and interpretations of a particular god? There is only one grand creator, dose he not converse with you? Instruct you in the error of your ways? Why would one god desire so many interpretations of his works? If there is only one god, then there should only be one religion. Am I not correct in saying so?” “True, and he has tried over the years to put us on the path to righteousness and has spoken to us through prophets, but time and time again we have fallen to the ways of the world and he has taken away this direct link to his word. His anger at our inability to listen has consequences. Reminders of his power and presence have come in the form of floods, famine, endless natural disasters, and lost blessings. He has spoken, but we have failed to listen, and fail to listen still. He is

178

losing patience, but, fortunately for us, he has not given up on us completely.” “So these religions do not come at the hand of his authority? He is not the author of your many interpretations?” “No. Man has created many religions because he disagrees with the beliefs of an established religion or sect,” said Augustus. “Even though the same god may be worshiped by fifty different sects, the respective rules and regulations have been made by men differing in opinion. Unfortunately, this has deluded religion and people have become distrusting of it, for it has too frequently been used for power, personal gain, and accentuation of differences rather than unconditional acceptance of the same.” “But if you do as he desires,” said Obadee, “then he will instruct you in the proper methods of living and peace will become a greater possibility, will it not? Unfortunately, I know this does not resolve all problems. There are other worlds that believe as your earth, and, as a result, we have been attacked for temporal gain: power, territory, resources and wealth. Even our world has gotten caught up in material gain and has had a history of falling away. Fortunately, however, we have not created other gods and religions, but that only makes us different not better. Many a society has fallen, for they turn from the grandness of eternal perspective to the pettiness of transient materialism and self-aggrandizement.”

“This is true,” said Augustus. “Throughout our history, he has given his authority to select individuals to bring his word to the people, but, as I have said, the people time and again have turned away, for the attractions of the world are strong.”

“There is also the concept of conditional love,” Augustus continued, “which aspired to can cure many ills. Yet it’s difficult for humans to put into action, as well as other beings, I’m sure. It is a much greater challenge to be kind than it is to be assertive and self-possessed, as I’m sure you know.” Obadee closed his eyes and gently nodded. “To be kind at every turn takes considerable restraint and selflessness, and also assistance from the divine. This assistance is paramount to our success, and, ultimately, to our progression, but what aids us in our progression? That of the eternal turning to the needs of others.”

Obadee straightened up, pondering Augustus’s words. “Consider the following,” Augustus said, “love is an eternal

concept. It is one of the few things we take with us beyond the grave.

179

All earthly gain falls away when we lose our physical being. Now, when we are in our daily toil to sustain this physical being—in the physical and temporary world—it is difficult to maintain awareness of the eternal aspect of love when, for instance, someone abuses you or disrespects you while you are tired and worn out from a difficult week of work and, perhaps, dealing with family. We do not have the mental and physical strength to maintain an eternal perspective on our own. The only way it can be accomplished is by admitting our limitations and asking for additional physical, mental and emotional strength from the source of these given abilities. And we know that he is the only one who can aid us in our time of need. There are endless self-help gurus who tell us how to be smarter, stronger, more patient, loving, more financially successful ... The list goes on. But the amount of time it would take to learn how to do these things by rote, never mind the effort needed to maintain them, is beyond our capacity. We only have so much time in our lives to help ourselves; our time and mental faculties are limited. We can’t fix ourselves by merely reading up on a problem. In our limited state we need outside help. We were given these limitations by design so that we would turn to Him; the only one who can help us. He can cure all our ills—by incorporating his love into lives—faster and more efficiently than all the self-help gurus in the world combined. However, people continue to disbelieve and remain frustrated and continue on in a limited and painful fashion.”

“So,” said Obadee, “do you believe that your people are starving for love? Is this why your world has so much strife?”

“Yes, I believe that most of what we do is for love, or a form of love. When we seek excess in money, degrees, titles, power, control, material wealth it is all for the praise and glory of man, or other sentient beings, for would a man seek them if he lived in solitude? We sometimes lack love in such great quantity that we seek it through extreme means. But this is all transient; it does not bring lasting joy. The only true joy, substantial joy, lasting joy, comes when one helps another or merely does something to validate another’s existence. And at the center of this joy is the family. The family and the teaching and nurturing of unconditional love are at the foundation of any stable society, world or universe. Most of those in prisons and institutions of restriction come from broken homes and battered lives. Many a psychologist will tell you the importance of nurturing at an early age, at the foundation of our lives. After all the wars have been fought, lands

180

conquered and people subjugated, the only thing that will be left standing is the family.”

“I understand to a degree,” Obadee said with considerable concern, “but how in the eternal perspective of things can the family be the sole source, the sole unit of this eternal joy?”

“It is here,” said Augustus, “where one may be taught the essential concerns of human relations, being, of course, at the foundation of any society. Psychologists have known for years that if a child does not receive essential nurturing at an early age it causes defects in character that the child will attempt to make up for the rest of its life, if someone does not illuminate the problem. Here is where the child learns self-worth, discipline, an appreciation for others and their welfare, a sense of fair play, understanding and compassion. Without this proper training and nurturing, the child grows into a needy, self-seeking and self-serving entity.”

“That is most remarkable,” said Obadee. “I have never heard it put so well, and by you, Augustus, a mere boy. I can only say that you are an exceptional young man, being of any age, for that matter.”

Obadee paused. Lost in thought he said, “Well, I would love to talk more. You have given me a lot to consider, but I have obligations elsewhere. Forgive me.” Standing and waving his hand toward the door he said, “May I see you out?”

“No, that is quite alright. I know the way. It was an honor and a pleasure to speak with you. Perhaps we can meet again.”

“Yes, that would be wonderful,” Obadee said bowing. “The pleasure has been all mine. Good night, Augustus.”

“Good night,” Augustus said, returning the bow. As Augustus walked back to the palace he was amazed at what

had just transpired. What he was able to communicate tonight and at the Concessions of Consilience Conference was, he thought, beyond his capability. It was as if he was only a mouthpiece, that he was being used as an instrument, for he had never heard such words come from his mouth before. He knew that what MB, Diatha and Bebe had taught him was there, but a good portion of that which he spoke came to him from an unnamed and unknown source. He sat back and savored the moment. He noticed a glow, a burning in his chest of substantial brilliance and warmth. It was of a very loving nature, comfortable and warm. He began to consider his blessings and could not understand

181

why someone so average and so unexceptional should have these great things happening to him, that he should be projected into such a role.

As he walked he noticed little; even the stares and the occasional hello fell on deaf ears. Before entering the palace he looked at the night sky and saw a falling star, and this made him think of a poem he had read back on earth when he was suffering from severe anguish one day. He didn’t completely understand what it meant, but somehow it had given him great peace that night.

I am out walking.

It is very late. Commotion has left the streets, offices, shipyards, warehouses, questioning its return. Insecure as to its need, here and there it dissipates in homes, playing out in vented word hoards and occasional hand payment (said to be in serious arrears), then traces in dreams for tomorrow’s plight. As I walk, I see the occasional yellow picture of light hanging on a home framed by its distant brothers and sisters speckling the sky.

Once, I swear a girl looked out and stared right at me. A chill shot through my shoulders and chest. I thought she might speak: “Trash dwells in their coffers of blight.” But I was mistaken. What I actually heard was a tear masquerading as a raindrop, falling into a bottomless and long forgotten well.

24 The next morning, the queen again asked to see Augustus in her

chambers. He did not sleep much the night before because he was buzzing from the great energy he had felt after his talk with Obadee. Even though he had gotten little sleep, he felt alert and ready for the day.

He knocked on her door and one of her attendants answered. He let Augustus in and left the room, quietly closing the door behind him. The queen was sitting in the corner working on some papers and turned around when she heard Augustus approach.

“Good morning, Augustus. I hope you slept well.” “Yes, I did ... Zebedee,” Augustus said slowly and awkwardly. “Ah, I see you have finally come around to addressing me with

the informal.” “If only because you desire it so. I still find it difficult not to

address you as queen.” “That is quite alright. You will get used to it. I don’t allow just

anyone to address me as such.” “Yes, you honor me by doing so,” Augustus said lowering his

gaze. “Very well, let us begin,” said Zebedee with a slight grin. “I

have arranged another meeting today with some ... advisors who will be briefing you on some essential facts, that which will be of great worth to you, and of great interest, I’m sure.”

“Who are these people, your high—” The queen gave Augustus the eye. “Ahhhhh ... Zebedee,” he said with a nervous smile.

“As I said, they are advisors. They will be talking to you about other galaxies and information pertinent to your understanding of things political and, more importantly, social.”

“Why is that queen ... Zebedee?” Smile. “These are all questions that will be answered by your

advisors.” The queen paused and changed her stream of thought. “Now, have you enjoyed your stay so far?”

“It has been wonderful.” “I know you have not had much time to spend with Increase,

something I’m sure you would prefer to be doing so early in your relationship.”

Augustus blushed a brilliant purple and red hue.

183

“Well, if you desire to spend substantial time with her, I suggest you get along to your meeting. Your advisors can be found waiting for you at the Acton building in Palace Square. My driver will take you there. Don’t feel obligated to come back and see me afterwards. Feel free to spend the day as you please. I only ask that you grace us for dinner.”

“I will. Thank you for all that you have done, Zebedee.” “See, that wasn’t so difficult,” said the queen as she

straightened Augustus’ bangs. Augustus reddened only slightly this time. “Have a good day, my son.”

“Thank you,” said Augustus, as he half bowed in Zebedee’s direction and left as she returned to her paperwork.

The drive to the Acton building was very short. Augustus was dropped off at the front steps by the queen’s aid. He had no idea who he was looking for, but the driver told him that the advisors would recognize him and that he should wait on the couch closest to the front entrance. Augustus entered the building and located the couch. He was only there a couple of minutes when he heard a somewhat familiar voice come from behind.

“Hello Augusto! Long time no see. How’s multidimensional life?”

“Dad! Mom! I—I—I ...” “I know how you feel. It’s great to see you,” said Augustus’

father. “But I thought you were stuck in another dimension. What are

you doing in this dimension? On Doufear?” “It’s a long story, but we have time,” said Augustus’ father.

Smiling, he said, “Well, are you just going to stand there or are you going to give your mother and me a hug?”

Augustus leapt over the couch and embraced his mother and father. He went back and forth hugging them over and over until Augustus’ mother said, “Alright, Augustus, don’t use up all your hugs. Let’s sit down and talk a while, shall we?”

“Sure,” said Augustus. They got comfortable, but Augustus couldn’t keep his curiosity

in check. “How—I mean, why—what ...”

184

“Alright, calm down,” said Augustus’ father. “I’ll tell you the story. Besides, Queen Ogaboom wouldn’t want her advisors to short change the recipient of their information.”

“You are the advisors that I’m supposed to meet?” Augustus’ eyes shot wide open.

“Yes,” said Augustus’ mother. “The queen wanted it to be a surprise.”

“I’ll say,” said Augustus. “Well, let’s begin with the beginning,” said Augustus’ father.

“Let’s get right to it. First off, you weren’t born on earth. You were born on the seventh planet from the star Goba in the galaxy Beta Bot. Even though some may call you the great Milky Way Hope, you actually came from a planet called Perilous.” Augustus mouthed the word Perilous as his father continued. “Your real mother is this woman before you. Her name is Gabby—short for Gabrielle.” Augustus reached for his mother and gave her a very generous hug. Gabby responded in kind. “My name is Adam,” continued Augustus’ father, “and I think you should know your last name. It’s Majesteek.” Augustus ran his name silently over his lips as he hugged his father.

“My first name is Augustus, isn’t it?” “Yes, it is,” said Gabby. “You can thank your mother. She named you. I was merely

along for the ride.” “Oh, Adam, you’re such a kidder,” Gabby said squeezing his

arm. “Now,” continued Adam, “in order for you to obtain optimum

experience it was vital for you to reside on the most vicious planet in the cosmos, and, of course, that is earth; the only planet that sees fit to consistently murder its greatest promoters of peace. How time and again its most despised and corrupt, more often than not, avoid a premature demise while the holy and just are murdered is privy only to he who has created all. But in keeping the wicked around maybe it is his way of paying us back for not heeding the call to do his bidding.”

“You could not have learned of the absolute importance of purity by living in the peaceful confines of Beta Bot. In order for you to learn how vital good is, it had to be juxtaposed by the most profound and consistent evil. Knowing the depth of purity in your heart, it was understood that this exposure to the fierce, prideful, contentious, disobedient, ungrateful, rebellious, unjust, all that which seeks the self

185

would only make your desire to fight these elements stronger, as is the case with all the pure of heart. They are driven by this exposure to defend all that is kind and admirable.”

“Also, you were left without siblings, and your pseudo parents gave you little in the way of support, plus your intelligence distanced you from most of your peers. These three factors led to your lack of a sense of self. Therefore, you were prone to take the slightest negative and blow it out of proportion. You became even more awkward and withdrawn, a state which others just as insecure—but without your compassion—preyed on to boost their suffering egos. You could not be like those who put others down to lift themselves because of your compassion. And in knowing firsthand what it’s like to suffer, your desire to reach out to help others has been heightened. Those without compassion turn bitter and seek revenge or desire to destroy that which is good.”

“This may all seem rather mean, but it was done for your benefit so that you could fully experience and learn of the emotional trauma of want first hand, to strengthen your compassion and desire to help all the innocent of heart, to fight for the cause of those suffering at the hand of the unjust.”

“As you mention this,” said Augustus, “it’s as if I have known that which you speak of all along, even though this is the first time I’ve heard it.”

“All truth resides within, and it is released from its hiding place in the heart when another speaks to it,” said Adam.

“I understand.” Augustus paused and said, “Even though you have revealed to me that you are my parents, I can’t help but wonder who were those who brought me up on earth. You called them ‘pseudo-parents.’”

“Well, Augustus,” said Gabby, “those were not ... people. They were replicas of your father and I, androids, and they were given the appropriate personalities, or programming, to benefit your training.”

Augustus rubbed his forehead and said, “This is all so amazing. I’m having a tough time absorbing all this at once.”

“Don’t worry,” said Adam, “in time you will be able to digest it. For now we are revealing just the essentials. There is even more that will be revealed to you in time.”

186

“And what about the alternate dimension,” said Augustus, “how was that created, and how about the hootenanny controversy and all of that?”

“It was an elaborate hologram created for your edification and experience,” said Adam. “As I said, in time all will be revealed. Do not worry so much about the logistics of your training. It was all carefully planned for your benefit. Your edification and resulting desire to better the lives of others is what is important, and not that of the intricacies of your training.”

“I think this will do for now,” said Augustus. “It will take me some time to mull over what you’ve given me.”

“Perhaps you’re right.” Turning to his wife, Adam said, “I think we’re long overdue for taking our son for an ice cream, aren’t we?”

“Certainly,” said Gabby. “They have ice cream on Doufear?” asked Augustus. “Well, if they don’t, then I’ve been eating some very tasty and

messy holograms,” said Adam. “In that case, what are we waiting for? Let’s go!” Augustus

shouted with joy. Augustus grabbed his mother and father, and like the child that

he truly was ran off with total abandonment, leaving behind universal care.

So what do you think so far? Pretty neat story, huh? Well, it only gets better because Augustus is juuuuuuuuuust starting to get his chops down. By the end of the story he’s gonna be doing some super fantastic, lovin’ spastic ... stuff. OK, so the pay off failed me there, but Augustus won’t leave you wanting. Ooooooooh no he won’t, because he’s the main character with the most; a yarn spinner who roasts; the tea and the toast of the town, state, county, continent, world, galaxy, universe, universes. You’ve got it. So kick back and enjoy. Hope you do. But here’s a break, and before you go on, why don’t you go and grab that sandwich you’ve had your mind on for the last half-hour. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Hmmmmmm, hmmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm. Dum, de, dum, dum, dum, de, dum, de dum, dum.

25

Augustus had spent most of the day with his parents, but remembered that Zebedee desired his presence for dinner. He asked his parents if they wanted to come but said they felt uncomfortable going since they hadn’t been invited. One doesn’t arrive uninvited for dinner with the queen, no matter how informal she may be or how well one knows her. So Augustus said his goodbyes and headed back to the palace. Once there, he and Increase ate dinner and made a plan to hit the town afterwards, but Augustus ate so much that his stomach became quite upset and he ended up going to bed early.

After some time, and some medication from the palace physician, his stomach settled enough for sleep. There was some initial tossing and turning but sleep eventually took over. However, he didn’t have a full night of restive sleep because some time early in the a.m., just this side of six o’clock, he was woken by the most horrific rumbling that hadn’t been heard for some time. A rumbling that rang a bell or two or three or four ... Well, you count ‘em, it’s really quite difficult for me to do so with all this shaking, plus I’ve got a story to tell here, if you don’t mind.

Where was I? Oh yes. It was an awfully familiar rumble, one that brought back pleasant and not so pleasant memories. Well, probably more pleasant than unpleasant. Yeah, I’d say mostly pleasant, not a whole lot more pleasant than unpleasant but ... OK! Stop yelling. I’ll get to the point.

Augustus threw the covers off and ran to the closet where he knew he would find the source of the rumbling. He threw open the door and was amazed by what he saw. It wasn’t a big black, sucking, morbid nothing. It was actually ... Well, it was kind of ... fuchsia and mauve.

“Fudge! Is that you?” “Yes, Augustus. Has your existence progressed with

satisfaction?” “Yes, and how about yours?” “Satisfaction is the correct response.” Augustus noticed that there was movement within Fudge. It was

two beings, and they were making their way out of the closet. Augustus stepped back, for one never knew where a black hole has been—or, should I say, a mostly purplish hole—and what it has ingested.

188

As the beings emerged from the swirling gaseous mass, their forms became more recognizable. And to Augustus’ great surprise and joy, it was two beings that he had missed greatly over time.

“Diatha! Bebe! It’s great to see you.” Emphasis on great. “It is wonderful to see you, Augustus,” said Bebe, embracing

Augustus. “Yes, Augustus, it is quite a joy,” said Diatha, doing the same. “You don’t know how glad I am to see you,” said Augustus.

“Even though everyone here has been nice to me, and more than supportive, it is always an uplifting experience to see you two.”

“And Fudge ... what exactly has happened to you? You have remarkable color. It—it’s breathtaking.”

“Thank you,” said Fudge. “That which has transpired has its origin in that which you spoke of at our last encounter and has achieved apex after numerous verbal exchanges with Diatha and Bebe. Generating for other entities, as opposed to consuming, has produced color, a result of extreme thermal expansion within.”

Augustus smiled and said, “Fudge, you’ve learned to love.” “It is that which I communicate.” “I must say, you wear it well.” “Thank you ... Augustus.” “And what brings you to Doufear?” Augustus said to Bebe and

Diatha. “Why you, of course,” said Diatha. “Yes,” said Bebe, “we have actually come to stay on as your

advisors, at the behest of Queen Ogaboom.” “She certainly is full of many a pleasant surprise,” said

Augustus. “That which she does for you is only small compensation for

that which you will accomplish for the ages,” said Diatha. “At one time I might have felt awkward and unworthy of such

comments, but now I find them inviting. I am starting to see the importance of my role, and the responsibility and necessity of my doing all within my power to enhance my abilities for the betterment of those who I will touch.”

“Spoken like a true Augur,” said Diatha. “Let me ask you something, if I may?” said Augustus. “Feel free,” said Bebe as Diatha nodded in agreement.

189

“How much a part of my training were you two involved in? When did you know that you would be training me to aid in my becoming Augur?”

“This was not something that we knew of until a few short years before our initial encounter. Diatha and I were selected from amongst thousands over time and were approached by Queen Ogaboom some five years before we met you ...” Bebe tilted his head and pursed his lips. “Well, before the second meeting.”

“Second meeting?” Augustus stiffened. “Yes,” said Diatha. “When Bebe says second meeting, he’s

talking about before our meeting at Finn.” “What do you mean?” asked Augustus. “On occasion we would look in on you to, shall we say, keep an

eye on your development. At the queen’s request.” Augustus was looking at Diatha with little emotion when his

eyes suddenly went wide with wonder. “You—you were the boy! The boy in my dreams who appeared

at school, and that day at school when I went back to get my jacket I saw you disappear.”

“Yes,” said Diatha. “Why was there such a darkness surrounding you? What was on

the ground in front of you right before you transported?” Diatha merely looked at Bebe. “It was you?” Augustus said to Bebe with disbelief. “Yes,” said Bebe, “we were relatively new to transporting

through time and space and were working with Fudge in perfecting the process. On occasion things would go wrong and one would get lost or injured. Because of the unlimited and unbridled source of power Fudge possesses it took some time before we were able to bridle his energy for safe transport. On this one occasion I was lost and Diatha suffered considerably, for he felt it was his error that had caused the problem.”

“Yes,” said Diatha, “and upon finding Bebe the darkness that resided in my soul was purged.”

“Wow,” said Augustus shaking his head. “In regards to finishing the answer to your question,” said

Diatha. “If I may?” “Yes, of course,” said Augustus. Diatha nodded and continued.

190

“Our education and training began shortly after our encounter with the queen, who impressed upon us the importance of our task at hand. It was vital that we come from a time early in the development of civilized man, to be at the foundation of his development and so as to have a true understanding of the nascent workings of the human mind and spirit. We have traveled through time extensively, and with the queen’s guidance and assistance, we have focused on the essential elements of man’s development, that which would help you understand your humanity and maximize your leadership abilities for not only those on earth or Doufear but for all sentient beings.”

“I see,” said Augustus, bowing his head in appreciation. “I am for ever in your debt.”

“You are welcome,” said Bebe. “However, I must admit that there is a double edged sword at play here. I have received great blessings and experience since agreeing to train you, and I find great pleasure in doing this work.”

“I agree wholeheartedly with Bebe,” said Diatha. “It is of great fortune that one of the tenets of performing great works is the joy one receives as reward. But I know that in order for that joy to come, one’s desire to do good works must be the focus and not the reward.”

“Yes,” said Augustus, “universal law, whether it be of the physical or spiritual realm, has shown me time and again the utter, complete and thorough perfection of the higher mind. I will be forever in his debt for his noble and just ways.”

At this point there came a rumble from Fudge. He cleared his gaseous throat and spoke.

“Gentlemen,” he had become quite the diplomat, “it has been of great satisfaction to transport you to your destinations; however, it is vital that I exist elsewhere, for I have numerous attendees soon to reside within my wake of time past.”

“Yes, of course, Fudge,” said Bebe. “We thank you for your assistance and wish you well in your new service vocation.”

“Yes,” said Augustus. “I wish you well, Fudge.” “Mostly the same,” said Diatha. “Diatha,” said Fudge. “Yes?” “May a vortex reside within your dispensable vascular organ.” “Why, thank you,” Diatha said with a chuckle. And with that Fudge was gone.

191

“What was that?” asked Augustus. “Humor?” “Yes,” said Diatha, “he has been learning quite a bit about the

greatness of the human condition.” “Well, my human condition right now is exhaustion,” said

Augusts. “I’m sure, gentlemen, that you are in need of some rest.” Diatha and Bebe both agreed. “Well then, let me set you up with some sleeping quarters and

we will continue our discussion at another time.”

26 The following day Queen Ogaboom summoned Diatha, Bebe

and Augustus. She was in a rather somber mood when they arrived at her quarters. The king had just returned from his travels, and it seemed to have dampened her spirits, for she had been quite herself previously. The king had been off administering to his kingdom and had returned for only a brief period.

He was actually quite the democratic-republic, monarch—using only the best of each political form, and then some (stuff earthlings don’t or won’t ever know about). What’d you expect? This is an advanced civilization, not some type of ummmmm ... Articles of Confederation. Whoops! Constitution. Whoops! Bill of Rights. Whoops! Amendments 11 through ad infinitum. Hey, these guys have it all worked out. No trial and error here. They have it going on, man. I digress. Story.

He planned to leave again in a few days. He said that it was vital for the king to keep in touch with his subjects and that one only gets to know the needs of his people by doing so first hand.

Of course, this was the first time he had ever felt the need to do so since his reign began (ok, so he’s not perfect), but you know how a relationship gone sour will get you out of the house—even if the football season has started and you’ve just gotten satellite hook up with a one-hundred-fifty game schedule on Direct TV.

The queen approached her guests and said good morning, without much sincerity. Her greeting was returned with added enthusiasm in hopes that it would somehow coax her into a better frame of mind.

“It sure is a lovely day,” shone Augustus. “Have you been outside, your highness? The flowers are in complete bloom.”

Augustus went with the formal moniker, feeling that its inherent respect might give a slight lift to the queen and wedge her out from amongst her woe. Besides, he wasn’t sure that her desire to keep things informal hadn’t evaporated with her sunny disposition. So he played it safe.

No good. “Yes, I’m sure it is,” the queen intoned absent-mindedly. “The

reason I have called you here is that I have an assignment for you. I desire that you visit our neighboring planet Kismet. It seems that they

193

have lost all inkling of common sense or reason. For so long they have lived their lives based on the sacred Tanka oracle. Every time a major decision is needed, whether private or public, the Tankan priests have provided insight to their people through interpretation of the Tankan; however, they have reached an impasse.”

“What’s wrong? Have they lost their faith?” asked Augustus. “No, they’ve run out of pages,” said the queen. “How are we to help? We know nothing of their religion,” said

Augustus. “That is precisely why I want you to go. You are to inspire them

to stop relying on what the priests believe is correct for everyone and enable them to see that they must allow their people to create a personal bond with the divine. It is essential that they learn to be responsible for their own lives. They will never progress if they don’t. The priests are like parents who won’t let their thirty year old son put away his roller skates and beanie.”

“Will you be coming with us, your highness?” said Augustus. “No, I have other duties I must attend to. I can’t always be off

gallivanting about the galaxy.” The queen paused to gather herself. “Now, be off. Commander Hydrox is waiting at the shuttle bay. He will get you there and answer questions that you may have about the Kismetians. Good day.”

And with that, the queen turned and headed towards the inner chambers.

“My,” said Augustus, “I’ve never seen her like this.” “Yes, she seemed most preoccupied,” said Bebe. “But I feel it is

essential that we obey her wishes. We should be off at once.” “Yes, yes, you’re right,” said Augustus. They headed towards the shuttle bay and when they arrived

commander Hydrox was waiting for them. They boarded a sub-space cruiser and flew to a larger ship that was docked at one of the space stations orbiting Doufear. Within no time they were on their way to Kismet. The Derivatian technology was so advanced that it took just slightly more than an hour before they arrived, a trip earth technology could only achieve in days. They docked at a space station and flew another shuttle to their destination on Kismet.

When the shuttle door opened, standing before them was one of the funkiest looking hombres to ever greet a landing party. It was an officer wearing a tight fitting gold lame jumpsuit, with what appeared

194

to be a chiffon leather boa that hung loosely about his shoulders, along with a very expressive pair of red pumps. He stood about thirty feet from the ship, and when he saw the shuttle doors open he began walking towards it.

Now, the next thing that one would be looking for did not occur. Based on what the gentleman was wearing, one would have a natural bias towards thinking that his gait might be something of a wispy sashay. Not a politically correct thought but at least an honest one. Actually, he walked more like a cowboy just coming in off the range after a couple months of chafing from severe saddle soreness. He was also a rather large man, which made his outfit seem rather, dare I say, comical. But he wasn’t the only chafer. Oh no! There were dozens of men walking about in similar garb. And the noise! My gosh! There was such a cacophony of chafing it sounded like a room full of rubber ducks … Well, rubbing together. The noise was deafening. What was going on?

He stopped in front of the landing party and saluted, presenting himself for salutation exchange, general niceties, and I am sure he was brimming with information on the local shopping scene as well. On top of the macho walk, when he spoke he sounded like he had been smoking a couple dozen cigarettes a day since birth. You get the picture.

“Good day, gentlemen,” he growled, “I am Commander Parsons, and I will be your escort for the interim. I hope your flight was an uneventful one.”

Now, if it was you or me standing there looking at Commander Parsons in his handsome apparel, and contrasting manly gait and voice, we know that it would be almost impossible not to let out a titter, or at least a snicker, more like a guffaw, but at least a snicker. Now, Augustus, Diatha, and Bebe didn’t even blink an eye or twitch a lip and allowed what may have been one of the most titter intensive sights to merely go without comment. Of course, that is why you and I are home reading this and not participating. It takes a mature person to deal with the particulars and peculiarities of intergalactic life, and not some hopped-up, adolescent-minded neophyte.

“Yes,” responded Augustus. “It was a brief and smooth ride. He then introduced Diatha, Bebe and himself to the commander. They exchanged mutual innocuous comments about the weather, star navigation, and whether or not Pluto was an essential character to the

195

Disney lineup. It seemed Commander Parsons was a big fan of earth pop culture, much to the chagrin of his culture-starved mind.

Commander Parsons suggested that they follow him to ground transportation that was waiting to take them to their lodgings. He told them that after they got settled he would send the car around to pick them up for lunch with the Tankan priests.

Now, aren’t you dying to know why the commander was wearing that unusual getup? I know I am. Unfortunately, I don’t know myself. Hey, I don’t know everything. I’m not the omniscient, omnipresent, omni-narrator you think I am. My dad’s the one you want to talk to (and I must qualify here, he’s all-knowing second in command, so he doesn’t know it all, but most). Actually, I certainly know a lot but not everything. And I did mention that I’d tell you later why these men (Commander Parsons, Dr. Fumbleena from the Concessions of Consilience Conference, and the other men of Kismet) were dressed so expressively. But I don’t know yet. My dad said he’d tell me soon. Now, I may not be omniscient but at least I can say I’ve never been wrong. There was that one time I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken. Why am I doing vaudeville all of a sudden? We have some serious themes and intergalactic quandaries to quench. Let’s continue with our story and see if we can find out why Commander Parsons was appareled so ... festively.

After getting settled, they were picked up by the car Commander Parsons had promised and were shuttled to the priest’s lodgings. It was a very modest looking structure inside and out. It had a very warm and cozy feeling, not that otherworld feel that is reminiscent of so many of the religious structures Augustus recalled from earth. No massive walls of glass. No gargantuan ancient towers with copious halls and foyers. No spiraling spirals spiraling out of control. No. These brothers were grandiose only on their insides. Dig.

A Tankan priest named Amet greeted them and led them to the master priests who were congregating in a large room. Around the perimeter of the room were a dozen or so statues, representing the essential gods of the Tankan’s. There were festive flowers displayed round about and colorful bowls of fruit and vegetables (to celebrate a traditional Kismetian holiday) that sat in the middle of a large wooden table where six priests dressed in bright attire were sitting. It looked more like an administrative meeting than a prayer circle or a gathering of spiritual intent. In front of each priest were several pieces of loose

196

paper. Only the priest at the head of the table had something different in front of him. It was a rather large book that was opened to the last page, and this was where the priest focused his gaze. On his face was one of the most forlorn and helpless looks Augustus had ever seen. When Augustus, Diatha and Bebe entered the room, the priest’s facial expression didn’t change one iota, or even a quark. Only his shoulders moved as they drooped in a more resigned sign of resignation as he looked up at his arriving guests.

“Ah,” the priest said, “you must be Augustus.” Hand shaking. “And you are Diatha and Bebe.” More hand shaking. “It is a great pleasure to meet you all. Queen Ogaboom has told me so much about you. I am Sir Mixalot of the honorable line of Ben Jessurit, Tankan Priest, Eva generation, thrice removed, twice bitten, once shy.”

“It is a pleasure to meet you, Sir Mixalot,” said Augustus. Bebe and Diatha greeted Sir Mixalot in kind. “In all the years that our brothers have been gathered in the

sacred name of the Tankan Wu,” said Sir Mixalot, “never have outlanders been allowed into this room. Only now, after great prayer and frustration and—”

“And chafing.” “Yes, Brother Tim.” Looking back at Augustus Sir Mixalot

said, “Only now have we found it appropriate to allow others into our prayer circle and become a part of the celestial influence of Eva, a Tankan privilege and right.”

“We are truly honored,” said Augustus. Bebe and Diatha nodded in agreement. “We have humbled ourselves and find that we have not all

answers at the ready,” said the priest. “Such humility,” said Augustus, “speaks to your insight and

strength and is commendable before the eyes of all that is holy.” “Your words are of grace and dignity and lift the stricken as all

that is of the Wu. You are truly of divine contrivance.” “And chafing.” “Yes, Brother Tim.” Sir Mixalot paused and then resumed with

added intensity. “I am struck by the charity in your voice. I see a heart that has been cauterized by significant trials and set free by resent revelation—a Phoenix, if you will—one disconnected and now brought in line with the over-soul, that which resides in all of us yet remains for most as distant as the stars.”

197

“As of late,” said Augusts, “I have made significant discoveries pertaining to the spirit. The precision of your description makes further utterance superfluous.”

“Grace,” said Sir Mixalot. “Grace,” said Augustus. Sir Mixalot nodded, recognizing kinship with this outlander, a

stranger of distant geographical origin only. He reached out with two fingers, and as he did so, Augustus raised his fingers in the proper order of reception and pressed them to Sir Mixalot’s.

Your ways will be as his own, thought Sir Mixalot. “I no longer question or doubt the appropriateness and gravity

of your presence,” said Sir Mixalot. “It weighs and binds as the shrill of the apocalyptic child and burns in my chest now only as the unbound universe in its bound infancy.”

“Yes, there is great work to be done,” said Augustus. “There is much that must be learned and even more that must be taught. I must admit that I have never met a man of the spirit whose sensitivity enables him to bring truth to the surface with such boundless speed, a surface refined to infinite tensile strength.” Augustus paused and looked about the room. “We come here at the behest of Queen Ogaboom, but I feel it was more of your doing, Sir Mixalot. Mark me if I am wrong.”

“You are quite correct. I became aware of your presence even before the queen spoke of you. Her telling me you were here was merely a confirmation. This awareness convinced me of your uniqueness.”

“Then I must ask if there is anything I can do for you?” “Specifically? I know not, but may I begin by asking about your

belief in the divine and how much that belief is a part of your everyday existence?”

“I believe that there are two essential precepts by which one should live, and they are ‘lighten up’ and ‘let go.’ And only by doing these things will one be able to love purely.”

“Please, explain,” said Sir Mixalot, focusing intensely. “When one ‘lightens up’ he or she allows all things insignificant

and fleeting to fall to the wayside, and the focus then naturally turns to the needs of others and that of the eternal or non-temporal. One will focus less on the inevitable failings of mankind and take on the higher mind of the divine and look to the heart of another over the influential

198

failings of the environment, family, society, and the imperfection of the individual himself or herself. Contention is at the root of all blocking, all that inhibits emotional, intellectual and spiritual growth. When one ‘lightens up,’ he or she spends less time trying to impress, take over, dominate, control, manipulate, conquer, and instead turns to charity. Not charity in the sense of giving to the poor but giving of the self: listening, not judging, being slow to anger, forgiving, not finding fault, and anything that looks first and foremost to him, her, they or them. For how can one who is just as imperfect as the next stand superior when in actuality by doing so it simply shows only superior ignorance?”

Sir Mixalot closed his eyes and nodded gently. “Now, when I say ‘let go,” I speak of one who holds onto a

grudge, a judgment, a failing, a mistake, a loss, a setback, a weakness, a fear, or any human failing that is brought to light by our own acknowledgement or by others. Whenever we hang onto these things we bind our insides, spiritual and otherwise, and inhibit growth and the reaching out to others in need. And I believe that the application of these two ideas will solve a greater portion of universal ill.”

Sir Mixalot stood motionless, looking off into the distance. He was as still as death. After several long minutes he spoke.

“That is one of the most succinct and profound statements I have ever heard. For centuries we have been attempting to contain a waste-paper-basket fire with a circus tent. We have used hundreds of laws and qualifications in proceeding. The solution to so many problems looms within two brief insights, of such considerable depth, of course. It is amazing.” Sir Mixalot turned to Augustus in full and took him by the hand. “It would greatly honor us if you and your friends would stay as my guests for a while, as long as you like.”

Augustus smiled warmly, increasing the warmth of his grasp. “It would be an honor, Sir Mixalot.”

“Then it is settled.” He clapped his hands and the doors opened and two male Kismetians walked in. “My good friends will be in need of lodgings. Please see to it.”

The males bowed and left the room. “Come, we must have something to eat. It is a great day and we

must celebrate. Besides, I am famished, and the only thing worse than spiritual hunger is physical hunger.”

“And chafing.” Sir Mixalot smiled softly. “Yes, Brother Tim, and chafing.”

199

The six priests, Augustus, Diatha, and Bebe walked to the dining area for a feast that would last into the wee hours of morning.

Well, what do you think? Did you see any expanding of a soul? Remember what I said some time back? That there would be great growth occurring for a particular soul. Well, I did say two souls, didn’t I? Keep your eyes open because the second one is coming. I also said that we would discover the reason for Commander Parsons wearing that most unusual garb that caused all that chafing, which brother Tim found such a dominant feature that time of year. Well, that will happen too. All in due time.

Now, before I go, just think about how far our little Augustus has come since the beginning of the story. Remember how fragile and universally useless he was? Well, look at him now, baby. Ain’t he the bomb? I’m not going to say anything more because I want the story to do the talking, so adieu for now my little word gobbling decrypters.

27

The next morning, Commander Parsons invited Augustus, Diatha and Bebe to breakfast. It seems that Sir Mixalot and his fellow priests were off celebrating a Tankan religious holiday. It was the Day of Cheers.

What is the Day of Cheers? Interesting you should ask. Back some nine hundred years or so, there was a severe lack of

celebrating—celebrating anything. It seems that celebration was thought to be evil on Kismet. It was felt if one encountered too much joy in life, self-inflicted or otherwise, then the joy received in the afterlife would be decreased by that amount many times over.

So, say you had about an hour of fun every day of your life. Considering the life span of your average Kismetian is one hundred twenty-five years that would come out, roughly, to 4.5 million hours or about five hundred twenty days of joy subtracted from eternity. Now, that may not seem like much, but you’ve got to realize that one day in the afterlife is equal to ten billion Kismetian years, and a Kismetian year has one thousand days. So, you do the math.

But that’s not the end of it. There were additional penalties, each varying in their severity and additional joy subtracted from the afterlife. Like, for instance, say you had a jovial reaction to your sister not getting the passkey to the transportation chamber for her date with the cerebral celebrant of your information center (what earthlings know as high school). Or you emit an unusually underscored guffaw when grandma places a huge outside bet on a Takette, whose spindly legs speak ever so loudly: I’M MID-RACE HERNIA MATERIAL. Don’t ever do that. You don’t want to know the penalty for that one. Or you let out a belly laugh when your little sister reaches for the zebtros dish and ends up prone on the floor, arms akimbo, because your pet meblot just spotted a trammel, and as he rushes after it, he knocks the chair out from under her. Don’t do that (parents observing said calamity may, based on personal judgment, hike the penalty double or triple fold—depending on your last grade listing or how frequently you’ve forgotten to take out the trash). But if you’re going to do any one of these by themselves, in combination, or even if you’re going to do them all, do as you will, but please, please, please, don’t disturb a worbell as it tmnbrtfts amongst blebebe during kemnoerftejm. If you want even

201

one ounce of joy, one moment of peace in the afterlife JUST DON’T DO IT. Please!

Thank you. This has been an eternal service announcement brought to you by the Chamber of Liger Longer in Love and Leisure for the Betterment of all Kismet Kind (CHILLLLBEKISKIND).

Anyway, eventually it was discovered that these beliefs were a bunch of hogwash and having joy in your life was all right. Putting it into Kismetian historical context for your edification, this occurred around the same time it was discovered that Kismet was spherical and not trapezoid. And, I must mention, it was also discovered at this time that female wear was much more comfortable than anything that male Kismetians had ever put on. So just like earthlings associating a Russian saint with the Christ Child because of timing, and a skinny, jolly elf becomes a fat St. Nick because that’s how Coca Cola portrayed him one year, the Day of Cheers became associated with women’s wear. And that, my friends, is why Commander Parsons was wearing his cute little chiffon number with the red-hot high heels, and why Dr. Fumbleena back on Anxious, you remember him, wore his tight red leather jumpsuit to the Concessions of Consilience Conference

Well, ah hem. Anyway, I ... er ... umm … Sorry, it’s just that I find this holiday very … ah ... disturbing and inappropriate. A commander should never, ever wear a chiffon leather boa with heels. It’s just so ... gouache, especially after Labor Day. Nevertheless, back to the story.

After breakfast, Sir Mixalot met privately with Augustus and discussed the possibility of him giving a talk to his congregates. Augustus was delighted and gave his talk, and the people of Kismet loved what he had to say. And as the years went by they began practicing what Augustus preached and discovered that something unusual and beautiful began to happen. Not only did their lives become simplified, but they began to see that a lot of what they were looking for from the Tankan priests had resided within them all the time, and that they very rarely had to go outside for anything again. Well maybe occasionally for nilk and gleggs, but other than that their needs were satisfied from within. But they also discovered that, that which resides within one also resides within everyone else, and even though each Kismetian is a unique entity, all share a common soul and spiritual

202

goal. And this is what began to solidify the Kismetian people and to help them obtain their halcyon years.

It was shortly after this that Augustus began to be known far and wide as the great Augur. The one that many had been waiting for. And many of the others who didn’t believe soon began to change their tune.

Well, it’s time for another short break, and by the time we get back to our story, Augustus will have grown to become a powerful, wealthy and wise young man. Next to his side will stand his faithful and loving companion, Increase, and, as she told Augustus, her name spoke of a time of great spiritual growth and expansion, so we can see that it has become so. But that’s not the end of the story. Oh no! We still have a ways to go, so don’t think about getting up from that chair just yet. Hang in there my little tale-touting commandos; the best is yet to come. Well, maybe not the best, but I thought that if I said so, it would keep you in your seat. Anyway, there’s still some neat stuff to come. Trust me.

28

So, here we are again. You got up, didn’t you? Probably went to get a sandwich. PB and J? Did you have some chips with it? I usually put them right in with the peanut butter and jelly. Yum, yum.

At this point, Augustus was making universe wide appearances. Beings near and far had not only seen him speak via visual transmission but they had also read his book.

The Universe and You

Or How to Make it Collapse By Lightening Up and Letting Go

It was a phenomenon to end all phenomenons. Individuals have

had varying degrees of success on their home planets with such writings, but never had there been such a universal desire to hear the thoughts and words of one insightful and wisdom imbued individual.

Today he was on the planet Memphis where everyone already had a song in their heart, but they wanted more. One can never get enough joy, it seems. Augustus’ approach was uniquely simple, and the Memphisites knew that they could increase their joy by using Augustus’ simplified technique. In addition, they not only wanted to hear what he had to say and understand it in full, but they wanted to meet the man who was in tune with the great silver lining of love that filled the boundless and unseen overcoat of universal joy.

And there he was, on the dais taking questions before the thousands that had gathered to hear him speak. Sitting behind him were his ever-present friends and advisors Bebe and Diatha. Next to them sat Increase and her new in-laws, Gabriel and Adam.

Oh! Did I mention that Augustus and Increase got married?

Well, a mere oversight on my part, if I didn’t. I know that all the females in the audience would have enjoyed a little more romance and a nice elongated and detailed description of the wedding ceremony—and I’m not just talking earthlings, but Derivitians, Memphisians, Doufearians, Wargons, Tempestuians, and, of course, Impatiens, and Can’twaitians.

Well, sorry for the lack of wedding pictures, but I felt it wasn’t essential to the message of the book. OK. OK. I know that weddings are

204

the most tuned in scenes on earth’s television daytime dramas, but believe me, it would probably detract from what I have to say at this point. Really! Trust me. OK, so you’re still looking at me like I’m some type of non-romantic Neanderthal. OK, so maybe I’ll write a follow-up to this story and title it Space Chicks and Their Love Interests. No? Oh great, now I’ve stirred up the members of NOW. I’m sorry, but can I get on with the story, please? I’ll throw in more romance and I’ll even make it totally PC. I promise. Oh, good, you’ve put down the pruning fork and sheers. I’ll go on now. He said sheepishly. One Memphisian was posing a question for Augustus. “Where did you get the title for your book?” “As we know, the universe is expanding,” said Augustus. “I pose the question, can we make it stop through love alone? I believe there is no other way.” “Interesting,” said the Memphisian. “Let me ask you a general question about the book. How did you come to such great and insightful knowledge, and how were you able to break it down to its most basic elements? It’s pure genius. I’ve read your book so many times now and know it so well I sometimes think I wrote it.” Chuckling from the audience. “Well, I must say that without the help of my friends and advisors, Bebe and Diatha, I wouldn’t be here today.” Warm applause. Bebe and Diatha had become celebrities in their own right. “Their knowledge and insight is at the foundation of my book, and without them I would be nothing. I simply took what they taught me and shaved it down to its essential elements.” “But that’s what defines genius,” said the Memphisian. “Well, thank you,” said Augustus. Next, a young female stepped to the microphone to address Augustus. “I have to say, Augustus, that you’re the sexiest being in the universe.” At this, the females in the crowd broke out into great whoops and cheers. Several of them swooned in excess and had to be held upright by their friends.

“No disrespect to Increase, of course,” she said. Increase waved good-naturedly to the crowd. Augustus blushed and asked the female if she had a question.

205

“Yes, I was wondering if you and Increase are going to have any children?” Augustus looked at Increase, who smiled with that closed lipped smile lovers are want to give one another. “Well, that’s something we’re working on.” Next, an older male stepped up to ask a question. “In reading your chapter, ‘Sympathy Is Your Pain in My Heart,’ I really came to the understanding that we are all in the same boat. We are all looking for some significance in our existence. I was just wondering, what is your insight regarding this phenomenon?” “Every intelligent being is looking, always looking. Some may block it out more than others, but it is a universal desire to understand one’s place in the cosmos. On my planet, as I’ve mentioned in my book, there are people who believe in astrology, numerology, the occult, and so on because they believe significance lies within these phenomena. People also attach significance to random events. For instance, a song which mentions a certain movie director is released days before he dies; some will attach great significance to this. An actor wins an award for a movie in which he plays a political figure, and he finds out later that during his acceptance speech this political figure has died.” “Beings, in general, take exception to events such as these and attach significance to them because they are searching for substantial meaning in their lives, that which lies outside the grasp of our finite minds. The mysterious and the unexplained is where people turn. But the meaning of life is not that mysterious. We are here to love and be loved. It is as simple at that. But doing so is not so simple, for it takes a concerted effort and the assistance of a divine, omniscient and perfect being to aid us and nudge us in the direction of emotional and spiritual betterment. Like a father or mother who desires to see their child progress, so God desires the same of us. And we can only do this through attempting to perfect our ability to love, and not by emphasizing perfection in other temporal areas of life.” “If we look at our limitations, we can see that mentally we are severely restricted. We can only process thought in a linear fashion. We are extremely forgetful, and emotion often clouds our ability to think clearly or to recall information accurately, or at all. When trying to solve a problem, whether it is political, social, theological, we can only process or have access to so much information and when we come to a

206

conclusion it is never absolutely accurate. As a theory is never absolute because even if it is proven correct a thousand times, the next time it may fail because of new knowledge or a new perspective.” “But there is one thing that we are capable of excelling at and this is love. Our ability to love successfully is immediately within every beings grasp. That is the greatness of love. We can see the intrinsic importance and value of love because it is the only thing we will take to the grave. There is little else that is of eternal significance.” “We are essentially eternal creatures. Can one ever stop desiring to love or be loved? Would a God who loves us as we love our own ever desire to see his children cease to exist? Would you ever desire to see your children cease to exist? And his love for us is born of the same love we have for our children. The answers, as always, lie in the questions of eternal inquiry and truth.” After Augustus spoke there was a prolonged silence, and slowly a spattering of applause began, which eventually swept about the auditorium, turning into a thunderous ovation. But Augustus did not bask in the applause. He merely mouthed the words thank you and returned to his seat. After the event, there was no book signing and picture taking session, no meeting with the press or other media, only Augustus staying as long as necessary to shake the hands of as many well-wishers as he could. After the assembly, everyone returned to their lodgings to get a good night’s rest, for there were still numerous stops to make. Augustus continued to tour the universe for the greater portion of the year, but eventually it was time to return to earth. And when he did so something unusual, something, you might say, frightening, something you could say spectacular happened. And if you finish the book you’ll find out. Maybe. Maybe I didn’t finish the book and all the rest of the pages are blank. Maybe Augustus gets lost and I can’t track him down to find out what happens. Maybe you’ll travel to another dimension, leave the book behind and never find out yourself. Maybe I’ll mutate into Steven King and turn this into a horror novel with blood, guts, gore and hate, hate, hate, hate, hate ... But you’ll never know until you turn the page. So please do.

29

Augustus returned to earth with his entourage and was very happy to be back home. Even though there were a lot of bad memories here he still loved earth, and it was the only place where he felt truly comfortable, or, shall we say, at home. His mom and dad had decided that they wanted to go on a tour of their own and had hopped on a cruise ship to take a three-month trip around the world. Not being from earth, and having lots of time and money, what would you do? Diatha and Bebe hadn’t spent much time in the twenty-first century on previous time travels and took advantage of their extended stay to see the sites and check out the local scene. However, they didn’t have the luxury of going on a three-month tour. After all, being a counselor to the great universal Augur one needed to be nearby in case, well, counseling was needed. And speaking of the Augur, Augustus had decided to take a little time off from the whirlwind tour and spend it with Increase and Jebba. Yes, you guessed it, they had a son. Story. One day, they were taking a nice stroll with Jebba in his baby carriage when a young lady stopped and began staring at Augustus. He thought it was just another fan, but the woman looked somewhat familiar to him. She was brunette, attractive and about the same age as Augustus. “Augustus?” said the woman. “Yes.” “Do you remember me?” Augustus searched his memory extensively but couldn’t come up with anything. “I’m sorry, no.” “I was a cheerleader back in high school. We used to play your school. You may not remember me because we only met once. My friend and I were in a car and you were on your bike.” “Yes, I do remember,” said Augustus, smiling at the memory. The pain of that experience had been demolished and covered over by an extended concern focused on the betterment of all beings universal, as opposed to one little insecure boy. Thinking back on it now, Augustus felt like that little boy was a stranger, a self-involved little insignificant blip on the screen of history. It amazed him that one’s focus could be so limited and could end up being so expansive if guided correctly.

208

“This is my wife, Increase,” said Augustus, waving his hand in her direction. “Yes, I know. You’re beautiful, even more so in person.” “Thank you,” said Increase, shaking the girl’s extended hand. Turning to Augustus she said, “I’ve read your book. I mean, who hasn’t?” Slight blush here. “And it’s amazing. It has completely changed my life, and I can’t believe that I said those things to you back when we were young. I was such an idiot. I was just following the crowd. And I’ve thought about you ever since I heard you talk on TV, especially after I read your book. It’s been bothering me for years, and I was hoping that some day we would meet so that I could apologize.” Augustus smiled warmly and said, “That’s alright, we were very young and insecure, and what we experienced is a major portion of what life is about. We are here to learn how to love, and sometimes we aren’t given correct or sufficient information on how to go about accomplishing the objective, so we stumble. But hopefully, we take the time to listen to that quiet, still voice inside that tells us we are doing something wrong, and that hurting others and seeking that of our own is less important than compassion and the sustaining of the greater good. Most eventually learn this to some degree. I only hope that I can inspire people to obtain an advanced degree in this area by those things I bring to the table.” The girl smiled warmly and said, “You have such great wisdom and are a truly blessed man. After meeting you I feel better that I was able to apologize, but at the same time I even feel more ridiculous for having hurt such an intelligent and sensitive man.” “That’s good,” said Augustus. The girl looked at him puzzled. “That you feel this guilt shows you are in tune with the spirit. Having a certain amount of guilt is healthy. It was given to us to help us stay on the path. We inherently know the difference between wrong and right, and it resides in all of us equally at birth, but if we do wrong long enough, because we have been wronged, or the lessons of the right and wrong are not taught to us or reinforced, then we lose sensitivity and become hardened to the good that resides in us.” “But you also must remember that it is not right to harm anyone, for within all of us is the potential for good, and the more we encourage it—especially in those who have little of it—the better off we will all be.”

209

“Thank you, Augustus. You’ve made me feel ... good, very good.” She lowered her head and smiled. “It was great meeting you, and you too, Increase.” “Thank you,” said Increase. Augustus shook her hand. She smiled warmly and then walked on. “That was interesting,” said Augustus. “How so?” said Increase. “Well, even though that experience was an uplifting one, I can’t help but feel ... I don’t know, apprehensive.” “Really?” “Yes. I don’t feel it coming from her, but I do feel it. And it’s not just your average gee-I-hope-I-don’t-forget-something-when-I-leave-the-house-to-go-on-vacation feeling, and you realize you’ve merely forgotten to bring the dog to the kennel. It’s big apprehension. Then again, it could just be something I ate.” “I wouldn’t worry about it dear. It’s probably nothing.” “You’re probably right,” said Augustus as he bent over to give Increase a kiss. “Well, we haven’t had much time to enjoy ourselves lately, so let’s go to it, shall we?” “Yes, your dishyness.” Augustus squeezed Increase as they set off to enjoy the day. They spent the greater part of it walking around the quaint shops of the quiet little town where they were staying (one quite removed from his home town). They did all that one is want to do on such a day. They had ice cream and fed some to Jebba, who put most of it on his shirt. And they ate at an outdoor café, feeding on sandwiches, cool drinks and sweet deserts. It was a very simple day, and not one that was likely to be remembered if it wasn’t for just one little incident. As they walked to their car to head home, a young man approached them. Augustus thought it was another fan and that he might have to sign an autograph, or that the young man might want to engage him in conversation. But what happened next was quite the opposite. Instead of asking for Augustus’ autograph and heaping praise on him, the young man took the soda that he was carrying, a super gulp, and tossed it on Augustus. He then ran away, and as he did so he said, “Take your oppressive brainwashing to another universe. We don’t need your kind here.”

210

This was most upsetting to Augustus, for he had never experienced anything but praise and joy from those who knew about his work. But the worst part of it was that it took place on his home planet. The last place he thought such a thing would happen. But nothing surprised Augustus anymore, and he didn’t attach too much significance to the incident. Increase was more upset than Augustus was, but she didn’t say anything. Without comment, he merely cleaned himself up and got into the car for the ride home. Meanwhile, Increase was in a mild state of shock.

As they drove away, she sat in a trance digesting what had just happened. After some time she suddenly came to.

In measured words, looking at the floor, she said, “Doesn’t it scare you? Maybe it’s just the tip of the iceberg and there’s an entire movement out there that wants you eliminated.” Her gaze drifted up to Augustus’s.

“You’ve been watching too many earth movies, dear.” Augustus gave her a reassuring look.

“But didn’t you say just shortly before it happened that you were feeling very apprehensive, more so than you could remember in recent times?”

“Yes, but I don’t think this impressionable young man is part of any serious movement to oust me. Why would anyone want to off me? I’m not bringing anything but a positive message that can only improve lives.”

Putting her hand on his knee, she said, “I know that, and most people know that, but there are those who don’t want to hear the truth, people who are a part of that element you spoke of who have lost sensitivity and abhor all good. Some of the most peaceful men on this planet have been targets of extremists.”

This took Augustus aback. “You’ve been keeping up on earth’s history. But I really don’t feel that I’m under attack by some anti-Augustus organization. I think this was just some random, angst ridden adolescent looking for some place to vent.”

“It doesn’t have to be an organization,” said Increase. “It could simply be one crazy individual who could do you in.”

Augustus took Increase by the hand. “Dear, I know you worry about me and I appreciate it, but if my life were in danger I think I would know. You know how accurate I am about sniffing these things out.”

211

“Yes I do, but this just feels a little too creepy for me.” “Don’t worry, my dear, Augustus is here.” With eyes on the road, he grabbed Increase with his free hand

and began applying strategic pressure to her tickly spots. She squirmed about the car as she screamed, “Stop that, you monster! You know how I hate being tickled.”

“This is not for your enjoyment, my dear. This is part of your education. I am conditioning you to respond appropriately so that in the future I don’t have to tell you what to think.”

“Oh, and I suppose that I don’t have an opinion,” she screamed and squirmed.

“Of course you do, but as you know it’s the same as mine.” At this point Increase squirmed out of Augustus’ grasp and laid

a huge pinch on his forearm, which sent his free hand quickly back to the wheel.

“Ouch! What cha do that for?” he said, rubbing his sore arm. “I am using my own conditioning methods.” “And what are you attempting to condition me with?” “With the fact that you are a big butthead.” “Oh, is that right? Well, here, take some more conditioning, and

some more, and some more.” This went on for some time and stopped only after Jebba

figured it was his turn for some attention and began to cry. They arrived home without further incident and went to bed

early that evening, for the next day they planned to leave the baby with a sitter and catch the latest matinee downtown. It was a play that Increase had been dying to see called Rise and Fall of the Bogus and Doting, Part III. It was a satire about the peace movement of the sixties.

Increase was fascinated by the fact that young humans at that time were so much into peace and love but equally into the counter culture and revolutionary movement. The thing that intrigued her most about humans was their ambivalence. She told Augustus that if the Derivatians on Doufear were as wishy washy—another earth phrase she had collected—the government would simply shut down until people began acting rational again. And the people would simply cooperate because if they were wrong, it would be obvious and they would just do what was right.

212

To give an example of cooperation on Doufear, she told Augustus that one time there was a mass misuse of government furnished toiletries, or boberdoffens, as they are known on Doufear. It seems that the containers they came in were labeled as first aid kits, and many at home and work tried to heal and bandage with toothpaste, mouthwash and toilet tissue. The government took exception to the situation because they felt that terrorists had tampered with the containers, that it was a subversive plot aimed at undermining the government’s authority to heal simple first-degree injuries. They really were supposed to be first aid kits, but it was actually the government that had made the mistake of putting toiletries in the containers instead of first-aid kit materials.

Anyway, before the government discovered its error, it attempted to quell the threat by promising to not plant tremblons, or flowers, on public transportation routes if people insisted on continued use of toiletries for first aid. The government said it would send first aid eventually, but it would take some time. It warned that using the toiletries supported the terrorists and if done enmasse may indicate a national rebellion was afoot. This upset the people so much that they immediately stopped taking care of their scrapes and bruises, mostly out of fear of losing something pretty to look at as they traveled. They did, however, apologize in person enmasse to their local government officials. They were going to rebel but in a conciliatory fashion. No burning of officials in effigy or tarring and feathering, you know.

It was known as the Flinch Rebellion, for every time a government official went by an uncovered cut or untreated bruise the bearer of said affliction would point it at the official and he or she would flinch something serious. One official was reported as saying, “Our meetings begin ten to twenty minutes later now, for want of ridding these horrific images from our mind’s eye.”

Eventually the government discovered its mistake and felt so bad about its blunder that it not only planted flowers along public transportation routes but in every good citizen’s front yard, regardless of whether they had one or not.

Because of this extreme cooperation between government and citizen on Doufear, it fascinated Increase that there could be such uncooperative behavior on earth. She wondered how a planet could survive so long without it.

213

They headed out to the matinee, and it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and Augustus and Increase felt good, enjoying the fact that they blended in with all the other couples at the show, that no one recognized them, and they could just kick back, relax and have a good time. They quickly got to their seats and settled in. In no time the curtain opened and the play began.

Two despondent sixties youths dressed in tattered clothes with long hair and love beads stood center stage. They were boyfriend and girlfriend of college age, standing outside a replica of a library. The girl spoke first.

“Wow, man, how long has it been dullsville around here? I can’t believe the establishment has been so cool lately.”

“Yeah,” said the boy, “it used to rock when they laid their heavy scene on us. Now it’s like ... weird.”

“Yeah, I’m hip.” The girl paused because she saw one of her professors coming their way. In a hushed tone she said, “Hey, check it out. Here comes Professor Herb. Like, I heard he’s got the best stuff in town.”

“Yeah, and he’s been hounded by the authorities because of it. Cool it, here he is.”

“Like, what’s happening, groovsters?” “Hey, professor Herb. What’s going down?” said the girl. “Oh, man,” said the professor, “I was out this weekend and saw

Purple Garden. They were golden. I can’t believe the massive wall of psychedelic sound they laid down.”

“Wow,” said the boy, “you saw Purple Garden! I thought you could only get tickets for that show if you knew the band. That was like a closed set, man.”

“I do know the band. I’m dating the drummer. She’s been my old lady for about three months now.”

Under his breath the boy said to the girl, “Like, wow, a long term relationship.”

“So, professor, I heard that ... ah, like ... well ...” said the boy. “That I have the best stuff in town?” “Yeah,” said the boy. “Well, I do. Why don’t you dudes come to my apartment about

seven tonight and I’ll show you my stash.” “Cool,” said the girl. “Far out,” said the boy.

214

“Intergalactic,” said Increase. At this point the narrator’s voice came over the loud speaker. It

was very dry and overly sincere. “Later that night, they showed up at the professor’s apartment.

To tell you the truth, they were psychedelically challenged by the groovyness of the rocking-cool happening that was just laid on them. OK, they were glad. As a matter of fact, they were so glad they accidentally did their homework and then helped Richard Nixon across campus. Here’s our little revolutionaries now.”

They walked onto the stage and up to a door. Behind the door and stage left was the professor bending over a large box. He was doing something to the contents with both arms in it up to his elbows. When the knock came he stopped what he was doing to open the door.

“Like, what’s happening prof?” said the boy. “Solid,” said the girl. “Welcome to my pad,” said the professor. “I’ve got the stash

over here.” “He guided them over to the box,” said the narrator, “and when

they laid a visual on the contents they freaked. OK, they were glad. There’s another plus to this scene. There were no sixties clichés immediately in evidence, like lava lamp, speed kills posters, or any anti-carnivore petitions about, so let’s check it out.”

“Here it is,” said the professor. And as he spoke he held up what was in the box. In his hands were several videotapes.

“Wow,” said the boy pulling one of the tapes from the professor’s hands, “you’ve got Gerry Garcia’s Sweating to the Psychedelics. If I owned this, I would never be out of shape. And you’ve also got Jefferson Starship’s Run White Rabbit, and Other Jogging Tips. Wow! Are these all bootlegs?”

“Wow! Look at this,” said the girl. “He’s even got the impossible to find Led Zeppelin’s Pakistani Pull Ups ‘Till Ya Puke. There’s no way I’d get hips if I had this tape.” “And check this out, dudette,” said the boy. “He’s also got Deep Purple’s “Investment Star,” and “401K Child.”

“Keep it down! Keep it down!” said the professor. “Now, I can cut these for you, if you have some blanks, but I’m not promising primo quality because the last time I dealt the whole batch went bad. You’d pop it in for the show and get nothing but snow. It was a total downer, man.”

215

“Oh, no man,” said the boy. “We’d give you only the finest quality, man. Nothing but chromium dioxide. It rocks, dude.”

“Cool. Well, see me after my four o’clock class tomorrow and I’ll set you up.”

“Solid,” said the girl. “Cool,” said the boy. “Frosty,” said Increase. Several more acts came and went and then it was time for

intermission. Augustus and Increase grabbed some drinks and went outside to catch some fresh air. They stood there amongst a nice little conversation.

“So what you’re trying to tell me,” said Increase, “is that it was the sixties that caused the current decline in this part of the continent’s culture.”

“Sure,” said Augustus, “it was all that free love and devil may care attitude that was at the foundation of the yuppie movement of the eighties, the corporate takeovers of the nineties, and the RV market crash of the two thousands. If it weren’t for the me, myself and I attitude of the sixties naturally progressing into simple greenback gluttony, then we wouldn’t have half the problems we have now. Of course, some other phenomenon would have probably replaced the ‘love in’ mindset, but it’s all we have to blame for now.”

“Are you sure it’s that simple? Don’t you think there are other socioeconomic factors or basic human failings that are involved? Aren’t people going to naturally lean towards temporal desires, considering how difficult it is to imagine an inevitable, preordained, perfect way of life after this existence, one where strife is eliminated? Look how difficult it is living in a world so full of supremely tangible struggles and overt horror. Don’t you think that people are going to naturally tend towards things in the here and now that will help them avoid those struggles, such as the buffer from strife that money provides? Of course, this all hinges on the fact that they believe a supreme and perfect being of superior intelligence, one who only has our eternal welfare in mind, doesn’t exist.”

“That’s true,” said Augustus, “and if he is of superior and perfect intelligence, then he would only have our welfare in mind, and all that happens to us in this mortal existence has purpose, from work, worship and play, right down to the simple tasks of daily cleansing and sustenance.”

216

“Even the most horrific events in our life have meaning,” said Increase.

“Sure. Think about all the time that you have grown as an individual. Has the greatest growth taken place during good times?”

“No, it’s usually when I’ve run up against difficulty in my life.” “Right,” said Augustus. “I don’t know if I’ve ever heard

someone say, ‘You know, I’ve really grown since I’ve been taking those biannual trips to Disneyland.’ Inevitably it happens when we have experienced some type of trial in our life, and, strangely enough, these trials make us stronger, wiser, more understanding and compassionate toward others, which, ultimately, leads to a greater understanding of our place in the world and our relationship to other beings. And ultimately to greater happiness, that is if we use adversity as a positive reinforcer.”

“Wow,” said Increase, “you mean that if I go out and gamble away all my money, or jump in front of a car, or stand in the cold and catch pneumonia that I’ll obtain greater happiness?”

“No, Miss Cerebral Celery, Queen of Vegetables, what I’m talking about doesn’t work that way. Interesting how universal law says that you’re only dense if you inflict such trials on yourself.”

“You calling me dense?” “If the stalk fits, wear it.” At this point Increase laid a roundhouse right into Augustus’

mid section. Of course, she let up at the last minute, only out of pity. “If you weren’t my meal ticket, I wouldn’t have held back.”

Stopping to ponder what she just said, she noted “Of course, my mom’s the richest person on my planet, so here ...” and she laid off and popped him one. Full on. Well, not really. After all, they were in love.

“Ooofff. You’ve been working the bag at the gym, haven’t you?”

“Yeah, and if you keep up with the stellar comments, celebrity boy, I’m gonna off ya.”

“Man, I’ve really got to get you away from those gangster movies.”

At this point Increase smiled her little mischievous grin and gave Augustus a big hug.

“You’re alright for an intergalactic wimp. Even so, I still love you,” said Increase.

217

“Thanks. Just don’t love me too much. I don’t think I’d survive.”

At this juncture in their quirky display of affection, a young woman in her early twenties approached. Augustus, being the eternal optimist, thought she was just another fan, but Increase saw the look on her face and felt otherwise.

“Hello,” Augustus said in a pleasant tone. “I don’t think that I desire to greet the great heel of the universe.

I only come with a simple warning. If you persist in sending forth your message, it will only create chaos and confusion. You are supplying inaccurate and poisonous information to a world that is already in chaos. If you persist, I can not be responsible for your welfare.”

And with that little note of encouragement, she was gone. “What was that?” said Increase. “Just another disturbed individual without hope in her life. I

only pray she has a change of heart someday.” “The only heart she wants is yours, on a silver platter,” Increase

said as she looked at Augustus with serious concern. He put his hands gently on her shoulders. “The only thing that

matters is that I am able to reach people. If there are some that deny my message and deny themselves a chance at permanent joy, then I can only pray that they have a change of heart. The message is the main focus. I can’t stop because there are a few who are angry and confused.”

“Oh, yes you can. If it means that your life is in danger, I think the only thing you can do is stop. Why don’t I call mother, at least, and have her send some of the palace guard to keep an eye on you. It can’t hurt.”

“At this time, I don’t see a few random confrontations as being a threat. I don’t want bodyguards. It would only convey a message counter to that of love and trust, which is at the center of my beliefs.”

“But if your life is being threatened, I don’t care about any lousy message,” said Increase with urgency.

Augustus looked thoughtful for a moment and then said, “I’ll tell you what. If this trend continues for say ... three or four more weeks, then we’ll talk to your mom about sending some palace guards. OK, sweetheart?”

At this Increase began to cheer up. “All right, but no more than four weeks,” she said poutingly.

218

“Agreed,” said Augustus. Augustus kissed Increase gently on the cheek and they headed

back into the theater for the conclusion of the play. Well, did you see it? Did you see it? Huh? I mean it’s not that

obvious, but if you think about it for a while you’ll probably get it. I know I said there were two, and I told you what the one was, but I must confess, even though the one is actually one the second one is one, but it also contains everyone, and if I were going to ... What? What? What? You’re looking at me with that scrunched up, how long has he been institutionalized look. Ohhhhhhhh! IIIIIII’m sorry. You’re probably wondering what the heck I’m talking about. Right. I forgot to tell you. My mistake. Your fault. Hey, it takes two to tango. I’m talking about the two souls that I said back a while ago you would see expanding. One is obviously Augustus, and if you said Increase is the second one you’re partially right, like maybe one zillionth of one-percent right. The other soul is actually the over-soul. You know, the part of the soul that connects us all? We have a soul but there’s a part of that soul that is connected to all the other souls, and it instructs and informs all of us about the difference between right and wrong, as well as connecting us all at the hip, or, should I say, the soul.

Like when you were a kid, and you saw someone getting beat up and it gave you a crummy, creepy feeling in your stomach? That was the part of the soul that connects to the other souls that was telling you, ‘Hey, not only is this not good for the person getting beat up, it’s not good for you, as well.’ Because it’s important that we protect and help others to be happy, healthy, wealthy, and wise too. You know, it’s that part of the soul that tells us about compassion, understanding, sympathy, and kindness.

Anyway, the over-soul is growing because of Augustus’ message. It’s been real happy lately that the people have been getting the word as to what it’s all about. But it’s not too happy about the latest development with these threats he’s been getting. So we’ll have to keep an eye on that part of the story, won’t we? Well, until next time your eyes meet the creative combinations of little letters, numbers and special characters that I masterfully put forth ... adieu.

30 Is it time? Is it time? I think so because you’re making sense of

this, aren’t you? Then that means your eyes are meeting my creative combinations of letters, etc. Welcome back. And let me tell ya that there is nothing but pure fun and joy in store, only greatness of heart, mind and soul to follow.

Who am I kidding? There’s actually some pretty ugly displays of stupidity and evil afoot, ain’t there? Well, if you remember where our hero was last, he had just encountered another detractor. Let’s take a look at what follows.

“Do you have some type of emotional problem, probably

abused as a child in some manner and now can’t function properly? Probably can’t hold onto that special someone, or two or three? How ‘bout your vocabulary, pretty limited? Is your only way to deal with life to scratch, scream and punch? Accommodate and compromise are just four letter words to you? Well, we sure would like to have you on our show because we’d just love to stir up you and your troubled loved ones like a raging nest of hornets before our viewing audience. And we’d be real happy if we could make things worse because we’d love to have you back a second time on our ‘Where Are They Now’ segment.

Augustus clicked the television to another station. “According to the latest figures, voter turnout since the year two

thousand has dwindled to twelve percent, but that’s actually over stated because in responding to the exit pole question, ‘Do you distrust your local politicians?’ there has been an almost manic response, where voters with glazed expressions and pencils firmly planted in tightly bunched fists vote over and over again in the affirmative as they are carted off to local psychology centers for recovering voters.”

Click. “Aggressive driving is up another two percent. That’s seventy

eight percent since nineteen ninety-nine. And another octogenarian was spotted attacking a driver with a prescription bottle. Third incident this week.”

Click. “So, do you really think you can afford to be without a

Mercedes? Feeling insignificant, unloved, or just plain angry with the endless number of inferior beings you run into day in and day out?

220

Why don’t you get the car that speaks volumes? The one that says, ‘Hey, I’ve got mine. Out of my way!’

“Buy Mercedes. We accept all major credit cards—individually or in combination. Sure, go into hock. What’s more important? Being broke or being a big shot in the eyes of all those who will see you on the road day in and day out. Live in a box, for all you care. How many will see where you live? Remember, once you’re on the road your visibility increases exponentially.

“Come on, nothing says I-take-care-of-my-own-before-I-worry-about-anyone-starving-on-the-street like Mercedes. Mercedes, it’s the car with class.”

Click. “You’re a stellar idiot, Jim. I can’t believe the Republicans

allow you to remain in their party. The major issue this term is obviously morality and ethical awareness. The people of this country are sick and tired of politicians like you who ride shotgun over partisans who say one thing to get elected and do just the opposite when in office. You should simply be hung and then tried.”

“You’ve got the insight of a water bug, Bob. Our newborn says more when he spits up and drools. What this country needs is someone with a superior interest in family values. There is nothing more important than bringing this issue to the forefront to resolve the breakdown in our society’s respect for authority and one another.”

“Oh, you’re a genius, Jim. How ‘bout you return your diploma from Joe’s Junior College citing lack of use.”

“Why don’t you make me?” “Why don’t you?” Click. “Genital Herpes ...” Click. “AIDS ...” Click. “Average striking ballplayer makes twelve million ...” Click. “Over fourteen billion spent on the NASA space shuttle to ...” Click. “Fourteen million are starving in ...” Click. “You’ve just got to buy a ...”

221

Click. “You’ve just got to own a ...” Click. “You simply can not live without a ...” Click. “Consumer spending and adolescent murders rose considerably.

High school SAT scores and community service volunteering way down. Don’t forget, everyone, just three-hundred shopping days ‘til Christmas.”

Click. “You’ve just got to have a ...” Click. Click. Click.

31 Augustus and Increase had enjoyed themselves during their little break, but it was time for Augustus to get back on the lecture circuit, for, as they say, America is waiting. Who are they? I don’t know. The generic they, OK? You, me, him, her, us, them, they. Got it? Good. Bebe and Diatha were in attendance now, and the four of them were riding in the back of a limo to the next site. Before the lecture ... Break OK, something’s been bothering me as omnipresent narrator, emphasis on narrator. I’m a little concerned about not presenting enough of a sense of place since Augustus’ return to earth. Reason? Let me tell ya. Not because of any literary obligation to do so, but for a much greater reason. Let’s start with a point of reference. You know how when you watch Seinfeld you think New York, Home Improvement you think Chicago, or Friends you think ... Where do they live, anyway? Well, you get the point. My problem is that if I have Augustus living back in Los Angeles or anywhere specific then some may not take him, our hero, our boy about town as “Theirs.” Why do I care? Why do I say this? It’s imperative to the story that we all relate to Augustus as the guy next door. He’s down to earth, loveable, and because of that we want to emulate him, be like him. And if in the story he’s in LA, how does that bode for people in Alaska, Wyoming, Idaho, the Dakotas, Mississippi, Florida, the Bahamas? He’s not “next door” then, is he? So like advertisers using vaguely generic terms (Extra bold taste! Whiter whites! Extra strength!) to allow the viewer to relate by filling in his or her concept of these non-specific terms, I do the same. Relate well, all. Unbreak ... there was going to be a celebration of Augustus’ return home. He was against it because he didn’t want to draw attention to himself and away from the message, but this was the return of the prodigal son, so he gave in. He knew snubbing his fellow earthlings was not a good idea. But there was to be more than just humans there. It had ended up being a kind of inter-galactic kickoff party and significant outlanders were going to be there as well. That all happens shortly; let’s see

223

what’s going on now. As we look in on our hero, he and his friends are discussing the current threats to his welfare in the back of the limo on their way to the celebration.

“I keep telling Increase that it’s only a fringe element, and anyone in the limelight is going to run into a weirdo now and then,” said Augustus. Increase looked at Augustus with concern. “I think you may be right,” said Bebe, “but it wouldn’t hurt to take some precautions. I really don’t think Increase’s idea about protection is a bad one. After all, even minor celebrities have their posse.” Augustus smiled and said, “OK, OK. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to have a little protection.” Increase smiled approvingly and squeezed Augustus’ arm. “That makes me feel so much better. I’ll contact mother tomorrow. She should have her guards here by the end of the week.” “Just a few, though,” said Augustus. “I don’t need an entire army. I really don’t want to make a production out of this.” “Don’t worry sweetheart,” said Increase squeezing his arm. “Mother will know how many to send.” Upon arriving at the arena, those in the limo noticed the huge crowd that had gathered out front, even though the lecture was still some six hours from commencing. The limo passed close enough so they could see the crowd, but not close enough to be spotted. They drove to a neighboring building and down to the underground parking lot. After exiting the limo, they were escorted into a tunnel that connected to the arena. Dignitaries or rock stars whose limo might get mobbed so badly that it would make passage impossible often used this entrance.

And one thing more, before I go on. That’s me, omnipresent narrator. I know some of you may be annoyed by the interruptions by now, or way before now, but that’s too bad. It’s my book and I’ve got stuff to say. You write your own book and do it your way. Hmph!

Anyway, as they drove by the arena, Augustus noticed his name in lights and harkened back to the dream he had a long time ago. Remember the one where he came out of the well after being chased by the guy through the swamp? He laid down with a reed in his mouth to avoid the guy and woke up inside a well that turned into a fountain outside an arena with his name in lights? Well, here’s that dream come

224

to light. A dream made real. Don’t think Augustus wasn’t freakin’ on this point. He was fully aware, even though he didn’t say a word. This was one he was keeping to himself. Story. They arrived at the arena’s guest suites and waited to be called by the host. This was big time stuff and had to be handled in a certain way. At this level, protocol dictated that one was to be introduced even at a party. This made Augustus quite nervous and ran counter to every fiber of his being, but he felt he should go along with it for now. About twenty minutes later a knock came at the door. It was the escort who was to lead Augustus’ group to the suite where the party was to be held, which she did. Upon arrival, she told the group to wait outside the door and went in. Several minutes later she returned and led them inside. The first thing Augustus noticed was the size of the room. It could probably contain a small house. Then he noticed the people. The who’s who of Hollywood, big business, and beyond were in attendance. As Augustus moved into the room, he was overwhelmed with greetings and well-wishers, most of whom he did not know. This made Augustus even more uncomfortable. He looked at Bebe and Diatha and noticed how fish-out-of-water they looked, too (please hold all Diatha jokes here). These were two men of great spiritual calm and resolve not interested in the least in celebrity but who looked like they were taking a stroll through an empty park as birds woke on a sunny Sunday morn. Admiration for his friends welled in his bosom. Meanwhile, Increase was squeezing his arm like they were about to fly down that first humungous hill on the Death Star Roller Coaster. “Hey, Augie Dogie, man, you rock the #&%* out of the stars, man,” said some fairly inebriated individual. Augustus raised his hand in acknowledgement. “Who’s that?” said Increase. “I don’t know. I think he’s a famous musician of some sort. Kid Jock or something.”

Others acknowledged Augustus with handshakes and raised voices as he made his way to the back of the room. Once they got there the host raised her hand and quieted the room. “Ladies and gentlemen,” she said, “our guest of honor, Augustus Majesteek.” Everyone raised their glasses and voices in acknowledgement, making Augustus wince.

225

“I think taking on a possible Wargon attack may be less nerve wracking than this party,” Augustus said to Increase, who acknowledged his comment with a nervous grin and fingernails that continued their search for bones beneath the pierced flesh of his arm. “Augustus, you are the reason for marked enlightenment. Your ability to sift the essence out of life’s purpose is prudence extraordinaire.” Augustus turned and shook the man’s hand. “Thank you.” “Allow me to introduce myself,” said the man. “I’m Richard Gere.” “Nice to meet you,” Augustus said looking a little lost. “I’m an actor. I’m sure you don’t have much time to waste on the insignificance of entertainment, but I just wanted to let you know how important your work is. Just an interested, average fan,” he said in a calm, monotone voice. Augustus thanked him as the actor moved on. “Augustus, how are you?” This time it was a woman with blond hair, perfect skin and not an ounce of excess fat anywhere in sight. “Hello,” said Augustus. “I’ve so much enjoyed reading your book. Being a mom has not only brought to the forefront the importance of motherhood, and the importance of life beyond my own, but your non-denominational approach to the spiritual has been a boon to my well being. I am forever in your debt.” “Thank you Miss... .” “Madonna.” “Miss Madonna.” “No, it’s just Madonna.” “Like the virgin?” “Yes.” “Pleased to meet you.” “The same.”

Now, I know what you’re thinking ... Hey! I’m getting pretty omniscient, aren’t I? Wow, I’ll have to give dad a call and give him a heads up on the new boy in town. Hee hee. Sorry, self-aggrandizement there. Anyway, what you’re thinking is that Augustus should know who

226

these famous people are, huh? Well, keep in mind that he’s been away for some time. Also, he’s a geek. OK, so maybe a reformed one now, but growing up he was more into books and experiments than MTV and Entertainment Tonight. Actually, he didn’t watch TV. Was a member of Turn Off Your TV Now, a group that advocates purposeful brain activity over cerebral celery enhancement. This kid’s a doer not a not a couch potatoer. Dig.

This went on for some time as celebrity after celebrity after

celebrity expressed their appreciation for his work. But there were more than celebrities in attendance. There were those ‘beyond,’ as I mentioned earlier. Who’s beyond celebrities and business types? Well, let’s check in with our newest celebrity, even though he’d kill me if he knew I was calling him that. “Augustus, it is a fine day to see you alive,” said a big, ominous voice from behind. Augustus turned to see none other than the Wargon who started it all. You remember Wargons, don’t you? Those beings gone on war? Well, not anymore, thanks to Augustus. “Well,” said Augustus, “it’s a great pleasure to see you here, ah ... I never got your name.” “Well, I used to be known as Zardoz the Merciless; however, my real name is Timothy Z Bottoms. My friends call me Timmy Z.” “Quite the difference. How are things going now? What are you doing?” “I’m into holistic medicine and basket weaving therapy. We have evening sessions for working mothers and fathers—we encourage all attendees to couple up—and Saturdays for those especially busy couples.” “That’s great, Timmy.” “Well, let me know if you know of anyone who’s interested,” said Timothy as he dug into his pocket. “Here’s my card.” “Thanks,” said Augustus. From Augustus’ right came another familiar voice. “Chumbawumba! How are you?”

“Great, your famousness.” He bent down and whispered in Augustus’ ear, “Lots of strong looking females on this planet.”

“Don’t even think about it.”

227

But before Augustus could say another thing Chumbawumba was off chatting to the women of interest.

And before Augustus could take another breath. “Good evening, Augustus.” Augustus turned to see yet another familiar intergalactic face. “Professor Rudwink! How are you?” “Fine.” “Those at the academy?” “Most have gone into horticulture. I see them working in their

gardens healthy and tanned, wearing their Augustus t-shirts.” But before he could get caught up in the conversation, the host

came by and told Augustus that his friends wanted him. He excused himself and met Diatha and Bebe who wanted to briefly go over the talk he was to give that evening. He excused himself from the party to do so. Being big time certainly kept one busy.

After much discussion with Bebe and Diatha, it was time for Augustus to give his talk. Never had there been such a turn out for a non-musical celebrity. Some were touting Augustus as a prophet or even the Messiah, a title that he devoutly denied and played down with considerable effort. Regardless, few saw him merely as a simple self-help guru. Many considered him a religious leader, even though he claimed no religion. He said he was a mere disseminator of information, and maybe he was preparing the groundwork for one to come that was greater than him. He did not know. There were great debates that went on amongst his followers and the media about his purpose and significance; however, this discussion only occurred on earth. All the other planets in the universe merely took his message as is, void of any deep religious or philosophical analysis. Augustus had made the walk from the party to the arena stage with Increase, Diatha, and Bebe. At the moment, he stood alone at the side of the stage behind the curtain. Looking at the number of people gathered, he thought how he had never seen so many people convened in one place before. However, he didn’t feel nervous or apprehensive, for by focusing on the message and not himself he found a greater reason for being and a greater calm.

The host finished with his statement and called Augustus. He appeared stage left, and as he walked to the dais was showered with applause and shouts of adulation by the twenty thousand or so in

228

attendance. After several minutes, the crowd settled and Augustus was finally able to speak. “Good evening. It is great to be here, and I am honored and humbled by your applause and grace. But I must remind you that the most important thing happening this evening has little to do with me. It is all about you and your ability to adhere to and foster the grace that resides in each and every one of you. Only by focusing on it and developing your capacity for charity and the ability to reach out to others in need will spiritual eminence be reached—joy to be passed from one generation to the next and for all time, that which obliterates any and all personal fame accomplished in man’s time.” At this point the place went nuts. The crowd gave Augustus a standing ovation, which lasted nearly three minutes. Finally, he was able to settle them down and continue. “I ask that you hold your applause. My message is not to promote any self-image or to garner praise, and by reacting in such a manner takes from the spirit. Let us create a calm and inviting environment by adhering to this simple request.” Many in attendance looked to each other and nodded in the affirmative. “I’ve come here tonight to not only bring you a message of hope but to make you aware of the work we have ahead of us. And it is for this reason that I ask for an environment that will promote solemn and thoughtful contemplation.” Augustus looked down to gather his thoughts. Looking up he said, “I was watching television the other day, and I was struck by the lack of direction inflicting this world. Time and again there was concern expressed for those things material over treasures of the heart and soul. I believe ... I should say, I know, that if we focus on reaching out to assist one another to obtain our emotional and spiritual potential, then we will have a much more solid foundation to work from. Thus providing a healthier source from which to operate, so that we as individuals—and, ultimately, as a whole—will gravitate toward our strengths and become more productive and useful citizens for a society that is in desperate need of all the help it can secure.”

The crowd applauded quietly. Augustus raised his hand to stifle it.

“Please.” The crowd quickly settled and he continued.

229

“On my travels, I have been studying the religions of the universe, and I have found that those with the following characteristics have been the most productive and useful to their respective societies. I will give a brief synopsis of each and then go into more detail.” “First and foremost is the centering of the family as a wellspring of emotional and spiritual inspiration and strength. Without this element you can kiss rapture goodbye. It has been shown time and again that beings without a secure nurturing environment from which to develop a solid foundation suffer emotionally a greater portion of their lives, and, ultimately, spiritually, if the problem is neglected.” “Next is service. Without this, one continually looks at the navel of their existence and remains in a childish state of selfish want and gain.” “Then there is work. It is vital that we do so, not only to provide for ourselves and to stay from being a burden on society, but it is there to help us learn self-control and discipline. Without these abilities in place, society will lose its cohesiveness and the resulting myriad of self-serving philosophies will lead to the decline of society at large. And this leads to my next point: morality.” “We innately know that which is right and wrong through the over-soul that connects and speaks to us all. However, over time its message has been clouded by want of personal gain. With varying degrees of right and wrong a society cannot exist. It will ultimately break down and fall in upon itself as a collapsing star, or black hole, creating a vortex of boundless, destructive energy.” “For instance, if I feel a stop sign means yield and someone else feels it means go and another feels it means stop, then eventually there will be an accident, or, in the most fatal situation, death. However, if we all agree that it means stop, as we innately know that’s what it symbolizes, and if we follow that definition without fail, there will never be an untimely death.” “Finally, there must be an understanding that this life is not the ultimate existence. We are in the here and now to be tested and tried. As we move from one lesson to the next we learn, expand and grow, and this is the essential aspect of our current existence, and one that will continue in the existence to come.” “And if anyone thinks that a few short years of mortality is all there is to life, then you have been living with your eyes closed, like a

230

fearful child who never opens them to experience the life confirming thrill of the roller-coaster ride.” “How can anyone think that mortality is the supreme existence when all you have to do is consider the limitless expanse of time that has passed and is yet to come? Do we really believe that such a vital, dynamic, loving, unique intelligence will ever cease to exist? The only reason, I said the only reason we believe this is because we have been conditioned by those who have damaged and inferior emotional and spiritual natures. They have convinced us that we are not important, smart, desirable, or unique—all eternal characteristics. And it is just this attitude that needs to be crushed, thwarted and obliterated from existence and all time. There is no excuse for it, no need for it, and certainly no support for it from anyone worth their weight in compassion, compassion, compassion.” OK, that was it. Augustus had ignored his own rules of engagement and went into Vince Lombardi territory with that repetitious statement. You think these people were going to sit quiet for that kind of tactic? Heck no. They broke into thunderous applause. Augustus had gotten his own-self caught up in the moment and let ‘er rip. Can you blame him? This is life changing, rearranging, all kind a estranging from bad elements kind of stuff. He’s human, after all. Well, not exactly, but you know what I mean. “This is war people.”

OK, so maybe he planned it this way. Keep ‘em quiet during the thinking stuff and then stir ‘em up with the emotional. Hey, lately he’d been reading a lot of Martin Luther King—master of the emotionally persuasive and intellectually objective argumentative tactic. Back to the tirade.

“It is war against the apathy toward kindness and gentleness and a call to bear arms to stand up and fight for promotion of the spirit. It is a war to be fought in the trenches of our heart and conscience. If anyone can continue to allow this abuse of the spirit and sympathy for the destruction of human kind to continue, then I suggest that you simply kick back and wait for the end to come at the hands of its detractors, for it will come. It is only a matter of time. Time ... a concept that is contrived of the temporal world. It is merely segments of eternity, and only when it stands still will you experience eternity. It happens when we are loving, being loved, giving, learning, dreaming,

231

hoping, all things we need in order to obtain and maintain eternal growth. So stop time and call forth change. Now!”

Some good, loud applause and shouting here. Augustus, like a coach at halftime about to send his team off to victory, didn’t wait for the noise to subside and shouted. “Put away your temporary concerns for the preservation of this brief existence!” Cheers and screams.

“Look to the permanence that resides in your heart and soul!” The same. “Seek its guidance and council!” Screamin’ and such. “It will not lead you astray!”

At this point the crowd stood and did so boisterously. Then, to the right of the stage, near the south entrance, a disturbance began. At first it appeared to be just more general, benign hysteria, but it shortly became obvious that it wasn’t a friendly element. There was a rather significant group that had begun to move through the crowd and toward the stage. They were shouting something in unison that Augustus couldn’t quite make out. Then it became clearer as they rapidly approached the stage. They were shouting ‘Heretic! Liar! Corrupter! Thief!’ They were chanting it over and over again. At first it appeared to be a dozen of so, but shortly it became evident that the number was closer to thirty or forty. Before Augustus could respond, they had crashed the stage, overturning speakers, electrical equipment and chairs. If it weren’t for Increase forcefully pulling Augustus from the dais, he would have been crushed by the mob. Along with Bebe and Diatha they ran to the back of the stage and were quickly ushered down the corridor to the safety of the basement and into the tunnel to their waiting limo, which whisked them away from the calamity of the scene and out of the city.

32

When Queen Ogaboom heard about Augustus’ problem, and the most recent mob event, she showed typical mother-in-law concern, and instead of sending a dozen men, she sent a small army to protect her son-in-law. After all, Augustus was not only her son-in-law but also the Augur she had spent most of her life preparing for. When Augustus saw the number of palace guards the queen had sent, he was not as upset as he would have been before the incident at the arena. It was now obvious that there was more than just an odd lunatic here and there to worry about, that the threat was actually organized. This was of considerable concern to Augustus, more so because of his message being inhibited than any concern for his life. But to Diatha and Bebe, Augustus’ life was the main concern. They were convened at Augustus’ home, sitting in the front room. Bebe and Diatha were in chairs to the right and left of the couch, upon which Augustus and Increase were sitting. It was early the next morning and the sun was just beginning to break through the clouds. “I know that you feel the message is vital,” said Bebe, “but if your life is taken, then the message will be taken with it.” “Only partially true,” said Augustus, sitting with elbows on knees, hands clenched. “At this point I am no more than a figure head. It was you and Diatha who taught me all I know. If my life is taken, then either of you would be more than qualified to carry on where I leave off.” “But the message is part of the messenger,” said Bebe, with considerable agitation, “and it is because of your compassion that you have been blessed with the ability to convey what people are dying to hear. No one can convey more readily and profoundly than he who deeply feels for those who are suffering. We may understand intellectually that which we have taught you, but you through personal experience and profound anguish of trials have lived it. It is one thing to understand intellectually and another to understand emotionally. Your talent lies considerably with the latter.” “That is true,” said Diatha, speaking in a calmer yet equally concerned tone. “It is precisely because of that which you have suffered first hand, in combination with your sensitive nature, that you are able to convey the message so convincingly and with passion. We may be able to express your ideas but we cannot express your compassion. If

233

we tried, it would be overtly insincere. And this is why it is vital that you bring the message to the people. The existence of a person of your unique insight, compassion and value should never be taken lightly. There are ever so few that have been able to convey such a priceless message as that which you bring. This is why your life is of such great value, and also, if I may add, because you are a great friend.” At this Augustus lowered his head and said, “I honor your words, whether they be of instruction or counsel, and I can do nothing but obey the overt wisdom and unfailing sense that they convey. I am bound by their wisdom and grace to do as counseled, for to do otherwise would be foolish.”

“I can only imagine the wisdom and strength you will gain by life’s end with such an unfailing humble heart,” said Bebe. “I am honored to be your friend and counsel.” “I as well,” said Diatha. “Therefore,” said Augustus, “I will take the number of palace guards that you deem necessary. I leave the logistics up to you as you wish. I have nothing but complete faith in all your decisions.” “Thank you,” said Bebe. “Yes,” said Diatha, moving onto other concerns. “Now, you’re next appearance will be before a very small crowd. Your closest followers have requested this meeting. It is of an informational nature, for they desire to organize and promote your message as broadly, thoroughly, and accurately as they are able. They desire to meet with you to get your approval and to obtain the necessary information and coaching to reach their goal. This meeting will take place Thursday of this week. It is of rather short notice, but I feel it will be a great step in the direction of bringing the word to a greater number.” “That will be fine,” said Augustus, looking haggard. “I will be looking forward to the meeting. Now, since this is such a small gathering, obviously of staunch supporters, then I think the guard will not be necessary.” At this Diatha shook his head, but when Augustus smiled he said, “Alright. I guess we don’t want to get paranoid.” “Good then, it’s settled,” said Augustus, rising to see his counselors off, for he was quite in need of some rest. That Thursday, Augustus showed up at the meeting with just Diatha and Bebe in attendance. It was held in a conference room in a building downtown. There were twenty-two people gathered, who were

234

all heads of their respective districts. They had been elected to represent their respective areas from across the nation—those that had enough supporters to warrant representation. Augustus was excited abut the meeting, for he now felt that he would be able to reach even more people with the good work and influence even more people to reach their spiritual potential. It was to be held at a small office that Diatha and Bebe had rented for the day. He arrived without incident, and only a few recognized him as he made his way to the meeting. Upon entering the room, Augustus greeted everyone and they quickly got down to business.

The first person to speak was a representative from Oklahoma. He was a rather tall man with shoulder length hair pulled back into a ponytail. He wore a shiny gold shirt and lime green pants that dropped about five inches short of his white deck shoes. There was enough grease on his forehead and hair to complete the lube job on my ninety-six Ford Taurus. OK, so my taste in cars is not sublime.

Something about this man rang a bell with Augustus. He didn’t know where he had seen him before, or maybe he had not, but with this supposed recognition came an odd, foreboding feeling. Augustus half listened as he considered the concern arising from this memory. “Mr. Augustus,” he intoned with excessive spittle, “I have been a follower of yours from day one, and I can only say what a great honor and blessing it is to be here with you in person. My being elected as a representative of the twenty-first district is a godsend, and I’d like to start off by saying that you are a complete and total inspiration to us all. And that we are nothing without you, sir.” “Thank you, Mr. . . .” “Greenspan.” “Greenspan ... but I can only be appreciated so far. What is most important here is the receiving of the message and the taking of it into one’s heart, its continual sharing with other generations and perpetuation from one generation to the next, and the building up of the kingdom of peace, Mr. Greenspan. I can only take so much credit for something that will work only if a number of great significance is able to promote and adhere to the greatness of the message.” “Spoken masterfully, Mr. Augustus. Spoken masterfully.” “Thank you. Now, what is it that you have prepared for us Mr. Greenspan?”

235

“Well, before I get into what I have to say, I actually have a little something I’d like to present for your consideration,” said Mr. Greenspan. At this point Mr. Greenspan reached into his coat jacket and pulled out something black and L shaped, about the size of a pocket dictionary. At least that’s how Augustus was to describe it later to the police. But before he did so Mr. Greenspan shot Augustus. He tumbled to the floor, and leaning up on one elbow he looked at his assailant with disbelief. Before Augustus lost consciousness, he saw Mr. Greenspan’s face superimposed by the face of the man, the aggressor from his dream, the one he had hid from in a swamp, and out of their perfectly matched mouths came the words, “You know, Mr. Augustus, you should of just left things the way they were. You really should of just left ‘em they way they were.”

33

Next day the headlines read:

The Greatest Religious Figure Since Gandhi, Martin Luther King, and Aphestus McGilicuty

Shot by Crazed Gunman

It’s always a crazed gunman, ain’t it? Why is it that those with the greatest potential to do some real good for this world or universe always end up looking down the barrel of a double digit IQ, mental midget’s gun? Why aren’t these crazies out harassing mobsters, or gangsters, or terrorists bent on amassing every monstrous, malicious, smash-mouth, vile act known to man—and vermin infested, worm turned, rotting pit viper to boot, for that matter. I know, I’m losing my patience with these people, how ‘bout you? Personally, I’m sick of it. And it kills me how you always hear about these guys being quiet when they were kids, with few friends and little if any family life, or if there was a family it was abusive. No kidding? Why do you think they end up having a desire to murder perfectly healthy and productive people? But I’ll tell ya, kids, I’m not the only one who’s lost patience, and my patience is nothing to brag about. We humans (I mean you humans. I’m omnipresent) have pretty limited mental capacities, and that includes almost a complete lack of foresight. Your prescient capabilities are pretty null and void, and are pretty much limited to reading the menu in the morning to see what’s for lunch. But there is another being of much superior patience who has tried and tried to warn us about things going on down here and ... well, before rambling on too long, let me have one of his representatives tell you all about the current state of affairs. We haven’t heard from him for a while, but it seems he has a little something he wants to get off his chest. Being a mysterious and superior being, his patience far exceeds yours or mine; however, even his pales in comparison to that of his master, but it appears even supreme beings have a limit, as we are about to find out. It was the day after Augustus was shot. He lay in intensive care and was still not out of the woods. Diatha, Bebe, Increase, Adam and

237

Gabby, and Queen Ogaboom were all in his room waiting by his bedside for a sign of life. Nothing so far. They had rallied to his side and each had resolved to stay with Augustus and not leave him alone. Someone would be there when he regained consciousness, for they all knew that he would recover. Or would he? They said they had no doubts, but was that lack of doubt a lack of desire to believe that he would or could die? Regardless, with that hope they felt that it was essential that one of them be there to bring him about, to be his connection to the world. Something in their insides told them that this was true and they believed it. It was their story and they were sticking to it. No doctor or doubter was going to tell them otherwise. They felt that there was a bigger something going on here that was beyond their control, a bigger something whose influence and presence they couldn’t ignore. Days came and went and still there was no sign of recovery. Weeks came and went. And as one week rolled into another, most outside the tight knit group began to lose hope and speculate that someone would need to replace Augustus so that his work could go on. However, those on other planets, with less of a hand-holding need to be inspired, had already put his words into works, and worlds were changing about the universe at a very non-earth pace. There were also the few-and-far-between others on earth that knew he would recover, and no matter how many weeks or months went by, their hope stayed alive. Some said they were the silly and weak, that they needed to believe because they didn’t have the strength to survive, but funny how many and most of these people were the doers and shakers in their segment of the world. They were the one’s that others losing hope and sanity and perspective came to for comfort and encouragement to go on. One evening, Queen Ogaboom, Adam and Increase were in the room watching Augustus. Diatha, Bebe and Gabby were out getting a bite to eat. Those in Augustus’ room agreed to stay behind until the others got back. The room group, like most on planet earth, was in a somber mood. We look in on them as Adam finishes telling a story about Augustus when he was a young boy, before they sent him to earth to be with his surrogate parents. Before the memory of his home planet was temporarily washed from memory. “It sounds like he was exceptional, even at a young age,” said Queen Ogaboom.

238

“Oh yes, he was very precocious,” said Adam. “It was so difficult to send him away for his training. He was such a joy, and still is, of course. We knew that his confidence would temporarily be shaken by the severity of the adverse conditions he was to experience here on earth, but we knew that in the long run the benefit to him and the universe would more than make up for any short term harm he would suffer.”

“I admire your courage and foresight,” said Queen Ogaboom. “Thank you,” said Adam. At this point there was a considerable span of silence; however, it was shortly interrupted by the noise of the television. It seems someone in the room had turned it on, or had they? The queen didn’t do it. Adam didn’t do it. Increase didn’t do it. So who did it? They all looked at each other, but no one had the remote, and no one was even close to the television. They looked at the screen, but all they could see was massive bright light.

What the heck was going on? “OK, you guys, listen up,” came the voice from the television. But that was it, just a voice, and a lot of bright light.

“OK. Hold on. Hold on. I’ve got to adjust the brightness,” said the voice. Something was taking form on the screen. All of a sudden the picture began to jump. “Hold on. Hold on,” said the voice in a distracted monotone. Then the picture on the screen began to squiggle, flip and wash out. “OK, OK. Give me a break,” said the distracted voice. “I was only on the audio / visual team in high school for a couple weeks. Never was the technical type. Plus I was allergic to celluloid. Nipped my movie career in the bud. Rather sad, I must say. Couldn’t be within twenty yards of a camera. Wasn’t around during the digital age. OK, so I’m dating myself, which isn’t so bad because it eliminates all those emotionally painful breakups.”

He was silent for a moment and then ... “OK, OK, think I got it.” Finally there was a picture. “OK, now ... I may be familiar to some of you who have been inspired, comforted or lifted spiritually in times of trouble. But if you don’t know who I am that’s no big deal. The important thing here is

239

what I’ve got to say not who I am. And if you know what’s good for you, you had better listen extreeeeeeeeeemly carefully. Now ... listen up.” MB paused for effect and continued. “This message is being transmitted around the world and is appearing on every visual device known to woman and man. Even movie screens. So I’ve made the big time at last. Figure that.” Those who had their movies interrupted in theatres throughout the world got the full effect of MB’s first cinematic appearance. “Anyway, what I have to say here has bearing on everyone’s life, so listen up.” “As you know, Augustus has been shot and is in the hospital in a state of unconsciousness. This is not good. And I must tell you right now that there is more than one person who pulled the trigger here. Ohhhhhhh, yes there is definitely more than one person. As a matter of fact, everyone listening to this pulled the trigger, and everyone not listening, and everyone who has ever been able to listen, who will listen, and then some, are responsible for Augustus’ condition. Do you guys know what I’m talking about? No? Well, pay attention and you may want to take notes or record this because if I were you I wouldn’t want to mess up again. Believe me, my superior has omnipotent reign but patience are not as prevalent around here as they used to be.” “Well, let me start by touching on what is familiar ground for most of you. I’m sure a greater number than not are familiar with the story of Abraham, right? (Other planets and peoples have their stories, this is yours) And how he and his posterity were to be blessed with great abundance and land if they kept their covenant with God? Now, contrary to some interpretations, this blessing was not meant just for Abraham’s immediate family or any “chosen people” but for all people. They may have been chosen to start things, but God is not prejudiced. That, my friends, is a human failing. He loves all his children equally, and he wants all of his children to get great blessings, if they do what he asks. Would he bless people simply because of their heritage? That would be like universities giving nepotism degrees at high school graduations. ‘Your mom and dad have college degrees? OK, here’s your bachelors. Next.’ Blessings simply because of bloodline would be a higher mind of interstellar dimension supporting a simple-minded, thug-like concept of racial bias. Give me a break, people. Get a clue. Well, I’m getting off the subject.” “The point is, that if you do as you are told by God, he will bless you, and he will bless your posterity for as long as they do good

240

or do what he asks. Now, here’s the interesting thing, the success of your posterity depends upon how well they relate to and encourage and support all human kind who obey God’s commandments. For the greatest commandment is to love God, and the second greatest is to love your neighbor as you love your Lord God. Did he say to love only your fellow Jew? Only Christian? Only Buddhist? Only Taoist? Only Muslim? No. Whoever you live next to or run into, all men and women. All are his children. Now, if this is true, don’t you think that God wants to give all fellow men and women the blessings of abundance and land too? Because he wouldn’t say that the second greatest commandment is to love your fellow man if he didn’t want to include all of them in his plan, would he? Come on, this stuff’s been around for thousands of years. How dense are you people? How much more do I have to spell it out for you? You Einsteins.” MB adjusted amongst his imbuedness. “Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that it is of the utmost importance that we all work together, and that no one is a stranger. The only thing that makes one a stranger is fear, which is put there by some creepy, base being who I’d rather not talk about. Capeche?” “But the real reason I’m talking to you all today is because I have a warning. You’ve been given a lot of chances to get it right, and a few of you have done good over the millenniums, but by and large it’s been a pretty shoddy showing, a real royal grandee goof up. You think the Titanic was a big disaster due to supreme pride and arrogance? Just keep it up, you’ll see disaster of Titanic proportions, for sure.” “And it’s not like you haven’t had warnings. Ever think about where you turn during times of crisis? You know earthquake, tornado, flood, plague, pestilence, blight, and so on. Do you think that these things happen just ... well, just because? Heck no! Nothing on earth happens just because. They are there to remind you who’s in charge around here, you know. You’d think that with all your modern genius—technology and science—that you would’ve figured it out by now, but intelligence doesn’t necessarily equal wisdom, does it? If I remember correctly, the philosophy I’m thinking of that relates here goes something like, and I paraphrase, man’s wisdom is foolish before the mind of God and because of this he is forever learning but never coming to the truth. Really. Read some of your philosophy and science after you’re in the know and you’ll cough up a cookie laughing. Good stuff. Good stuff. Comedy, you know. Anyway, I digress.”

241

“The reason I’m dropping a line is that you’d better get your act together. Chances are given and given and then ... whoops! No more. What happened there? You ask. Take a guess, Einsteins.” “All I’m saying is that you’d better take a look around, and if you see someone who is really doing a good job trying to help you get things right and then you go around forgetting what he’s told you, or you allow some people to interfere with his message, then you’d better think, disaster, film at eleven, because it’s gonna come down that way, baby. It’s gonna fall, so watch out. Remember what I said about chances and their limit. That’s it.” And just like that he was gone. The screen went blank. If Augustus was awake, he would be making some connections right now with what MB just said and the revelation he had about Revelations after he contemplated the images he had seen in the sacred grove back in Nexus Vale in Finn. He would be making a connection between the warning MB just gave and the talk in Revelations about judgment day and the end of the world and all that stuff.

But wait a minute. Doesn’t look like MB’s through. A few flickers of the screen and he was back.

“Reprieve, reprieve. I’ve just been informed that you have been given a second chance, as far as Augustus is concerned. If you want him back there’s something you have to do. I’m not saying specifically what it is, but I’ll give you a clue. In order to bring him back to his old self you better think about who’s responsible for his being here and show some type of appreciation, as well as some sorrow for the mess-up you’ve gotten this wacky little orb into. Capeche? Think on it.” Flicker. Flicker. Blink.

This time he didn’t come back.

34 The next day, all anyone could talk about was the appearance of the mysterious being. There were talks over water coolers, on the news, in the senate, at airports, bars, barmitzvas, gyms, Jim’s, Andy’s, Cindy’s ... People everywhere were talking about it. The number of Augustus supporters rose into the millions worldwide. It was as if Mark Maguire was closing in on the single season major league home run record and everyone in the world knew about it and was catching the fever. There was great discussion and debate about what should be done. What exactly was the mysterious being talking about when he said that the people of earth better appreciate who was responsible for their existence, as well as show sorrow for the chaos that reigns? Strange enough, even though everyone conjectured most knew the answer, but few revealed it publicly. People knew in their hearts that when they got home in the evening they had better find some solitude and seek that quiet, still voice they used to talk to when innocence and time were in abundance. That same voice that used to be quite audible to all many, many, many years ago, but over time had lost something amongst the din of shouts for self-serving praise and attention. Because of what the mysterious being said, most began to seek the calm of the voice and they experienced something remarkable, something subtle, something profound. They began to hear songs from their youth take on novelty. They looked at their pets and children and began to stomp their feet and make funny faces. They broke up the rush-hour breakdown lane blockade and let the guy who was trying to pass go by. They turned in their Mercedes, Jaguars and Lexus’ and donated their time and money to those without leather interiors, rack and pinion steering and cruise control. They saw more of their kids and less of their careers. They opened pop bottles with their teeth as their children warned them about chipping and cracking. They lost interest in bookkeeping, stocks and bonds, investment portfolios, inventory, cash flow, and advertising. And it is not like they didn’t care anymore. As a matter of fact, they cared about their future more than ever. And something that quiet still voice kept saying to them made their bellies feel like a malted milk shake royal supreme, with cherries and sprinkles and peanut M&Ms on

243

top. And it was the same thing that they had heard in their youth, which allowed them to be at play twenty-four seven. And even though there is no such thing as an instant cure for a problem of such magnitude, there began to spring up signs of real change and feelings of real hope, the kind that lasts longer than an election, and people for the first time in history collectively purged a lot of the garbage that was floating around in their heads, and pulled together more than ever before. And this made Augustus smile.

Smile? Wha-what gives? Yes, he—he, he’s alive. Now, remember back a bit, right when Augustus got shot, I said

that he described the gun to the police. But he had immediately gone into a coma after being shot. So, how did he do this? Telepathically? Through a dream? I know that you continuity freaks were asking, ‘Well, when could he have spoken to the police?’ So if you were really paying attention, you might have figured out at the time of the shooting, by the information given, that he would survive. So pay attention better in the future and you may be of greater help to more than most. Dig. So, Augustus had pulled out of it, but no one was there to see it. Augustus’ faithful watchers had become so enthralled with the current state of things, just like everyone else, that they forgot their pact and had gone out together to drink in the growing sights and sounds of the prospering hope and joy. But that’s all right because he wasn’t exactly alone now, was he? As he lay there in the hospital bed, conscious for the first time in close to a year, he was without fogginess or discomfort. As a matter of fact, he woke with such a restful and peaceful feeling that he just wanted to get up and take a walk in the park and enjoy the bright sun of this most joyous day. But before he could do that, there was someone who had just appeared in his room who wanted to talk to him. “Hi, MB,” said Augustus without opening his eyes. “Ah, I see you’ve learned the force well, Luke.” “How’s things on the flip side, home slice?”

“Well, my superior is more pleased now than I’ve seen him in many a millennia.” “Nice rhyme, Puddentine.” “That’s Clementine to you, Philistine.” “You know what is most interesting?” said Augustus, sitting up in bed.

244

“Yes?” said MB. “I’ve been laying here thinking about this whole good/bad, love/hate, virtue/vice, pleasure/pain thing, and I’ve come to an interesting conclusion. It’s all for our edification, but ...” “Yes?” MB in the house. “... it’s a complete and total, utterly magnanimous enigma.” “Really?” “Yes, it reminds me of the paradoxical result of the phenomenon labeled Black Body Radiation and the Ultraviolet Catastrophe. I really haven’t had much use for science of late, but I propose to use this as a metaphor for our existence here in this mortal state.” “Yes, professor, go on.” “The result predicted by the calculations for the experiment said one thing but reality said another. I’m not going into detail, but the experiment basically involved the interaction of radiation and matter as conveyed by experimental scientists. A formula was derived that agreed with the results of the experiment at low frequencies, but at high frequencies it predicted an infinite intensity for the ultraviolet region and beyond. Anyway, if the results were true then sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace would be a life-threatening situation. And of course we know that’s not so, considering all the marshmallows eaten and make out sessions that have transpired at said location.” “Yes, professor, go on,” said MB. “Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that how we learn while in this mortal existence is via a paradox. Think about it. If we didn’t experience pain, we would never fully appreciate pleasure. How can we truly know one without the other? If all we experienced was disease and we knew not of health, how could we truly comprehend either state’s worth? But we do have opposites: light / dark, pleasure / pain, sickness / health. Because we are well and get sick we desire the better half of the conditional pair. Because of all the hate and loneliness in the world it motivates us to seek out the love we’ve known and to maintain it. And because of all the bad we can really appreciate and admire those who are good. To support, it’s been shown statistically that ninety percent of television dramas have good characters winning time and again. They are the heroes and conquerors, and without fail they slay and eliminate evil to applause and the resulting increase of ratings.” MB softly smiled within his omnipresence.

245

“It’s just very strange that in order for us to excel at being good we must experience so much of the bad in order to progress, all the time having no desire whatever, and to avoid at all cost, that which will ultimately teach us the most—not a lesson of futility but one for the ages, one of an eternal nature.” Augustus paused. “And I know now why I had that vision of the beasts from Revelation and the end of the world prophesy.” “Yes,” MB said dragging out the word with head tilted in inquiry. “In order to abate the end, to lessen those who are to be “destroyed,” according to the prophesy, we need to heed these words, amongst the others, or parish. It’s as simple as that.” Smiling wryly while sitting comfortably amongst his omniscienceness, MB said “You know, for a human you’ve got some smarts.” “Thanks MB.” Augustus paused and then said, “Was there something you wanted to tell me?” “Ah ... yeah.” “What is it?” “Your dry cleaning is ready for pick up.” “Thanks.” “Don’t mention it.” Nodding at the narrator, MB said “Good job narrating, son.” “Thanks dad.” Augustus smiles and nods in narrator’s direction. “You bet,” said MB. “See you at the monthly Know and Tell.” “Right. Love ya,” said the narrator. Mutually enhancing smiles and nods.

35 So, the next day Augustus was out of the hospital, Queen Ogaboom said her good-byes and returned home, and Adam and Gabriel decided to finish their world cruise. Increase was beside herself with joy and convinced Augustus that he should stop his touring and set up a home office and work from there for a while. She told him that there would be plenty of time for personal appearances but that he should cut back because he had a family to look after now, as well as some health to recover. He was actually more than OK but agreed with Increase anyway. Since he was at home he decided to start another book, which would allow him time to spend with his ever increasing family. Increase was pregnant with their second child. Hey, they don’t call her Increase for nothing. Bebe and Diatha were also busy creating a wellness center, a place where people could get away from the world to study, meditate, pray and relax. It resides on a hundred acres of land and has places where one can fish and swim and play leisurely sporting activities; however, best of all, there is no other place in the world where everyone says hello and feels perfectly at peace with one another. The rest of the world wasn’t quite there yet, but it was getting better. Now, as far as the universe was concerned, had Augustus saved the day? Well, I can’t tell you that, you’ll just have to wait and see for yourself, and as you do so maybe you could speed things up by opening that door for crabby Mrs. Johnston, or maybe clipping those hedges for old Mr. Jones, or maybe even whistling a tune next time you see a set of hyper extended, pouting lips. So, what did you think of the story? Was it too long? Too preachy? Did it have too many big words in it? Like, was the dictionary a constant companion? Well, regardless, I hope that overall you enjoyed it because I had a real good time narrating. I actually stayed home a lot and missed out on a ton of worldly things to bring this to you, so it must have been special to me, don’t you think? I mean, I even missed out on some real good football games because the characters kept telling me to tell the story. Hey, omninarrators like sports too, ya know. And look at me, you notice how I’m less cranky than before? That Augustus, I tell ya. Gotta love him.

247

Well, maybe we’ll see Augustus and Increase, and Diatha and Bebe, and Queen Ogaboom, and Adam and Gabby again. Maybe in their same forms? Maybe in some other forms? Who knows? Anyway, it’s been great spending some time with you and it’s too bad I did all the talking. I really would have liked to hear what you were thinking as you read along, but the problem with books is that they aren’t telephones. Oh, one thing more. Why did the author allow me such license in telling this story? Remember at the beginning of the story when I introduced myself? (OK, top of page Three. You mortals are so limited. Geesh!) I told you I was given license to write this thing because of a deal I cut with the author? Well, you see, the author’s my brother. Oh yes he is. A little of an underachiever, I’d say, considering me and dad see it all and know it all. In that order. My brother, unfortunately, is … well … er … ah … human. I can’t say that too loud because it’s like a five letter word around here. Well, it exactly is, but you get what I mean. Anyway, humans are great and all, like you guys reading this book, but they’re so short on skills that my dad has taken to overcompensating in my brother’s favor. Now, my brother doesn’t like to be treated special, so he tried to write the book himself. Yeah, like that’s gonna happen. Geesh! He got so upset at his inability to be omniscient that he almost scrapped the project. What a hot head. Don’t get me wrong, I love him, you know. He’s a great guy. The best. But … well, I grabbed it and started writing without his knowing, and when he caught me I told him that if he didn’t like the job I did, he could scrap the whole book and do it himself.

So, Jeff? “Yeah, it’s good” Thanks bro. See you at the monthly Know and Tell. “Right.” Love ya. “The same.” Hugs. End

About the Author

The author is a writer, teacher, lecturer whose life revolves around research and learning. He has worked as a computer programmer, musician, and stand up comic. He loves reading all things human: philosophy, theology, math, history and science. He has been writing since he was a teenager: poetry, short stories, humor, and novels. He lives in California with his wife Patricia and their three children.